Community 209 Writers

"Adult Education"
By
Andy Bobrow
Writer's Draft
October 5, 2010
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. STUDY ROOM - EARLY EVENING
All minus Troy and Annie stand in the dark. There is a
birthday cake on the table. ANNIE runs in.
ANNIE
Okay, hes on the way. I love
surprise parties. I mean real
ones, not the kind where your
parents forget your birthday and
then three days later, surprise, a
really small teddy bear with a card
that both parents signed in Daddys
lady friends handwriting.
PIERCE
I dont know why Troy gets all this
hubub. My birthday was last week,
no party for me.
This is news to all. They exchange guilty glances, then...
BRITTA
(fake)
Oh, I get it. Youre pretending
you already forgot about that huge
party we threw you. Nice one.
PIERCE
(covering, has no idea)
Ha ha, gotcha!
JEFF
(sotto to Britta)
Good call on that.
Troy enters. Annie flicks on the lights.
EVERYONE
Surprise!
TROY
What? For me?
ANNIE
Well not technically for you. We
know Jehovahs Witnesses dont
celebrate birthdays.
(MORE)
So we just had them write Happy
Coincidence on the cake.
SHIRLEY
I dont see why it couldnt say
Happy Birthday. Whats the worst
that could happen, his soul
accidentally gets saved?
BRITTA
Shirley, were being respectful and
avoiding the specific two-word
phrase that is outlawed by the
cabal of men who run his religion
for profit.
JEFF
Okay, Ill take a stab at the
grownup version.
(to Troy)
Troy, we are honored to have you as
our friend, and we congratulate you
on turning 20.
ABED
Needle threaded. Perfect Winger.
TROY
So smooth. But you know what? Im
okay if you say Happy Birthday.
ALL
Happy Birthday!
SHIRLEY
Step into the light!
TROY
I was secretly hoping you all would
do this.
ABED
I told them.
TROY
I was secretly hoping you would!
ABED
You told me.
Annie hands Troy a gift bag.
ANNIE (CONT'D)
"Community" - #209 - "Adult Education" - writer's draft - 2.
ANNIE
This is from all of us except
Britta.
BRITTA
Geez, I said Im good for it.
PIERCE
When the hell did I pay?
Troy pulls out a Lego Duplo kit.
TROY
Lego Duplos! Theyre made for
little hands.
Abed hands him a video game, unwrapped.
ABED
And I got you this, too.
TROY
Kickpuncher Detroit! This is the
best party ever!
PIERCE
I think youre forgetting my party
last week.
SHIRLEY
So, the big Two-Oh, today!
TROY
Actually tomorrow. I was born
December 17th, 1989.
JEFF
You mean 1990.
TROY
Nope. 1989.
He pulls out his wallet and shows Jeff.
JEFF
Troy, that was 21 years ago.
TROY
Yeah, so that makes me 20.
(off their looks)
Because youre ten for two years.
(theyre still looking)
Because fifth grade is really
hard... for everyone.
(MORE)
(realizing)
Dammit. Is that one of those lies,
like, Mister Turtle is on a
business trip?
SHIRLEY
Troy, youre actually turning 21.
TROY
So Im turning into a man? Now?
JEFF
Yet it seems like just a little
while ago you were playing with
Legos and video games.
TROY
I dont know if Im ready.
BRITTA
Not ready? Arent you excited? I
couldnt wait to turn 21. Thats
why I did it when I was 14.
JEFF
Everyone, I think we should make
this a real 21st birthday and take
this man to the bar for a drink at
midnight.
All heartily agree, though Troys nervous.
SHIRLEY
Ooh, this sounds fun. I rarely
drink, but weve got something to
celebrate.
JEFF
I know just where I want to take
you. Little place called Johnny
Ps.
BRITTA
Ucch. That phony Yuppie aftershave
expo? Lets take him to Red Door.
JEFF
Were welcoming him to manhood, not
poser-hood.
BRITTA
Fine, lets just let Troy decide.
Troy, what kind of man do you want
to be? Cool or douchy?
TROY (CONT'D)
TROY
This feels like a trick question.
I dont know enough yet. You have
to be a grownup to know these
things.
PIERCE
Forget the bar. You make a boy a
man by taking him to one hooker
after another until he learns to do
it without crying.
TROY
I cant do this. I cant turn 21
yet!
Troy runs out. A beat...
PIERCE
Well great, now Ive got hookers on
the brain.
FADE OUT.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. STUDY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
All are there except Troy.
JEFF
Who runs away from turning 21?
ABED
I know where he went. His thinking
spot.
PIERCE
So its confirmed. Hes not
thinking when hes anywhere else.
ABED
He goes there when he gets
flustered. Like when they
downgraded Pluto the planet and he
was worried what they would do to
Pluto the dog. I can show you
where it is.
JEFF
I dont need to know where it is.
Just go get him, were thirsty.
ABED
Jeff I believe whats required is a
man up speech. I mean, I can
give it if you want, but...
PIERCE
Ill go.
JEFF
Oh Geez. Ill go.
PIERCE
Ill get the next one.
JEFF
Guys, sit tight. Im going to see
if I can talk someone into having a
blast with his friends.
Jeff and Abed exit.
BRITTA
Damn, I want to party tonight.
SHIRLEY
Me too, and I really dont drink.
BRITTA
We get it, Shirley. Youre holier
than we are.
SHIRLEY
I didnt say that.
BRITTA
You didnt have to. Drinking is
acceptable to you only as an
asterisk attached to the reminder
that you really dont drink.
Just like how you dont like to
cuss when you cuss, and youre
not one to gossip when you
gossip. You use virtue as a free
sin card.
SHIRLEY
Girl, I do not approve of violence,
but Im about to whup you upside
the head.
ANNIE
I wish I could join you guys but
Im under age.
BRITTA
You dont have a fake i.d.? What
kind of college student are you?
ANNIE
I dont know, fake i.d., I wouldnt
even know how to--
Britta sees STARBURNS passing by.
BRITTA
Starburns. Fake i.d.?
Starburns pulls out a stack of drivers licenses and starts
flipping through them.
STAR-BURNS
Height and hair color?
INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Abed leads Jeff up to a vending machine sitting in a little
U-shaped inlet.
ABED
Here it is.
He gets down on all fours and looks under the machine, like
looking for a lost cat.
ABED (CONTD)
Yup, I see his feet.
(gently, like talking to a
cat)
Hey, Troy. Hey buddy.
TROY
(from behind machine)
Im thinking.
Jeff peeks into the space between the wall and the machine.
We see Troy standing back there. It seems impossible that he
even slipped in.
JEFF
Troy, I think Im understating it
when I say youre overreacting.
TROY
I just thought Id have more time
before I turned 21. I wanted to
learn jujitsu and martial arts.
JEFF
Well, were just asking you to back-
burner those things until after
tonight. Come on, its just a
drink with your friends.
TROY
But it seems so much bigger.
JEFF
Whatever. Im not gonna argue with
you. If you dont want to come,
dont come.
Jeff starts to walk away.
ABED
Reverse psychology. This is a new
weapon for you.
JEFF
Its not reverse psychology, its
just the truth. Hes making a huge
deal out of nothing.
TROY
I want to go, but it feels like a
test and I havent studied enough.
Jeff turns back.
JEFF
Of for Gods sake, man up!
ABED
Now were cooking.
JEFF
You know what? I lied. It is a
huge deal. Tonight is the night
you stop being scared of growing
up. Tonight you tell the world
youre as prepared as you need to
be. And in our culture, we signify
that moment by walking up to a bar
and ordering our first real drink
as an adult.
ABED
What hes selling, Im buying,
Troy.
JEFF
You get the keys to the rest of
your life tonight. There's nothing
you're not allowed to do. Youre
not sneaking beers in plastic cups
at high school keggers anymore.
Tonight sets the tone and if you
blow it off you dont get another
chance.
TROY
Thats why its so scary.
JEFF
Guess what, men used to have to
kill mammoths or jump off cliffs to
cross this threshold. Men gave
their lives to cross this
threshold. You dishonor them if
you say its too scary.
(MORE)
Now Id drag you there, but that
would defeat the purpose. The
decision is yours.
Jeff walks away.
ABED
One for the ages.
TROY
Youll be there to help me?
ABED
As much as Id love to, you know I
cant. It has to be your journey.
If I went it would be rompy.
A STUDENT comes up and sees the following exchange.
TROY
I want to romp with you.
ABED
Im sorry. Not tonight. Its for
your own good.
Abed leaves. The student walks up to the machine tentatively
and talks to it.
STUDENT
Um, Diet Coke, please?
TROY
Im not the machine, Im the guy
behind it.
INT. STUDY ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Annie studies a drivers license. Britta, Shirley and Pierce
are as before.
ANNIE
(Texas accent)
Okay, Yall, Im Jasmine Decker,
Im 23 years old and Im from
Corpus Christi, Texas.
PIERCE
So youve been lying to us this
whole time?
JEFF (CONT'D)
SHIRLEY
Pierce, whats your medication
situation these days? Are you
taking things as directed?
PIERCE
Ha. As directed. I have
graduated to as needed. You
wouldnt believe how many doctors I
had to go through to find one who
trusts me.
ANNIE
So lets see, Im a Scorpio, Im
donatin ma eyes, and ma hair was
shorter in this picture.
(losing accent)
Oh no, I better have a story for
that.
BRITTA
Annie, trust me, the only story you
need is, Im a cute girl, heres
my i.d.
ANNIE
Were talking about breaking the
law here, Britta. Im not going
into this unprepared. Oh my God, I
have to cram. I dont know a thing
about Corpus Christi.
She runs to a computer and starts surfing, writing down crib
notes on a sheet of paper as she goes. Jeff enters.
BRITTA
Are we on?
JEFF
I dont know if Troys in, but Im
up for it.
BRITTA
(for Shirleys benefit)
Well gee, if theres nothing to
celebrate, theres no point in
violating our long-held beliefs
about when its appropriate to sin.
SHIRLEY
Well hang on, it is the end of the
semester, too. We could celebrate
that.
BRITTA
Aha! You really want to drink.
SHIRLEY
Of course I want to drink.
(beat)
I do it so rarely.
Britta rolls her eyes. Troy enters.
TROY
Guys? Im in. Go me. Its my
birthday.
All congratulate Troy. They grab their coats and start to
file out.
JEFF
Lets do this. Were going to
Johnny Ps.
BRITTA
Were not going to Douchy Ps. Red
Door. Right, Troy?
JEFF
Dont listen to her. Be your own
man. Johnny Ps.
As they exit, Annie is still scrambling at the computer.
ANNIE
Wait for me, I just have to print
some pages. Do you think anyone
will ask about the average
rainfall?
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. FOYER OF BAR - THAT NIGHT
Its a bar called Buckets, a TGI Fridays kind of place.
JEFF
Buckets? Home of The Bucket?
Shirley, where the hell did you
take us?
SHIRLEY
Hey, I drive, I choose.
BRITTA
Ucch, we would have been better off
at Johnny Ps.
JEFF
You wouldnt even be allowed into
Johnny Ps.
BRITTA
Probably not because I refuse to
wear a friggin pencil skirt and
talk about Italy.
TROY
I dont understand why thats bad.
And whats wrong with this place?
JEFF
Trust me, its awful. Its exactly
what I didnt want for you tonight.
A middle-class megabar with plastic
menus.
TROY
Plastic menus are bad now? They
seem like a good idea. How do you
know these things?
ANNIE
Okay, its showtime, Yall.
Remember Im Jasmine Decker and Im
a Scorpio, and I cut ma hair on
accounta the heat down in Corpus,
yall know how it gits down there.
(losing accent)
(MORE)
Oh God, I dont think I can do
this. I think Im doing more of a
West Texas accent.
BRITTA
Here.
Britta unbuttons a button on Annies blouse to show some
cleavage.
BRITTA (CONTD)
Now your accent is spot on. See
how it works.
Britta looks at her own chest and unbuttons one of her
buttons to compete. Then for good measure, she unbuttons
another.
PIERCE
Keep going, youll find them
eventually.
The group approaches the entrance guarded by a beefy all-
American BOUNCER. He waves everyone in, saying the same
thing to every patron.
BOUNCER
Hi, welcome to Buckets, home of The
Bucket. Hi, welcome to Buckets,
home of The Bucket...
Shirley goes in, then Annie, holding her i.d.
ANNIE
Hi Yall. Im visitin from--
BOUNCER
Hi, welcome to Buckets, home of The
Bucket.
ANNIE
Oh. Well okay, then.
She walks right in. Britta, Jeff and Pierce are left. There
is a small step that he cant get his wheelchair past.
PIERCE
Hey, a little help here?
CHAD
Oh Im sorry, Sir. The handicap
entrance is outside, around the
corner. I could wheel you over
there if you like.
ANNIE (CONT'D)
PIERCE
I can do it myself! Are you trying
to have sex with me?
Pierce rolls himself away. Britta and Jeff go in.
INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER
Jeff, Britta and Troy sit at a table near the bar. Shirley
turns to Annie.
SHIRLEY
Oh, Annie, were over here.
Annie doesnt respond.
SHIRLEY (CONTD)
Annie. Annie. Annie. Annie!
A few people around Annie take notice.
ANNIE
Ah dont know who youre talkin
to. Ma names Jasmine.
SHIRLEY
Oh, right, because of the fake--
ANNIE
Wooo! Partay! Texas style!
Annie runs off.
ON Jeff, Britta and Troy as Shirley wanders off a different
way.
JEFF
So Troy, have you given any thought
to your first order?
TROY
A beer?
JEFF
Beer? A beer changes nothing.
Youve already had beer. This is
about making a statement. Listen
carefully. Get yourself a Scotch.
BRITTA
Douche Juice.
JEFF
Single Malt.
BRITTA
Single Douche.
JEFF
Britta, we understand your position
on Scotch and douching. Now Troy,
do not look at a menu. Do not ask
what they have. And do not flag
down a waitress with your hand.
Watch.
Jeff catches the eye of a WAITRESS and gives her a subtle
nod. She comes over.
WAITRESS
Sir?
JEFF
If youve got a Talisker 21-year-
old, I would like one, please. If
not, a Glenlivet will do. And a
glass of cold water, not tap.
TROY
Wow.
BRITTA
Dont fall for that affected
Entrepreneur Magazine Cigar Club
crap.
(to waitress)
Vodka, any kind, in a big glass
with four olives. I like me some
olives.
WAITRESS
Vodka Neat?
BRITTA
Thats what you call it. Where I
drink they call it The Britta.
The waitress walks off.
JEFF
And you think Im affected? You
work twice as hard to fit in with
your coolio vintage eyewear friends
at Red Door.
TROY
I dont know what any of this
means!
JEFF
Thats what Im here to teach you,
just calm down and dont listen to
Coolio.
TROY
I think Ill just get a Bucket.
That seems to be their thing here.
JEFF/BRITTA
No!/No one here is getting a damn
Bucket.
Shirley sits down with a bucket. Its an oversized sweet
drink in a souvenir mug shaped like a bucket.
SHIRLEY
This is so fun! What a rare treat!
INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS
Annie sits at another end of the bar. The BARTENDER comes
up.
BARTENDER
Ill need to see some i.d. if
youre sitting at the bar.
ANNIE
Oh, well Im not fixin to drink
anything.
BARTENDER
Its Buckets policy.
Annie nervously hands him her fake i.d.
BARTENDER (CONTD)
(re: i.d.)
Corpus Christi, Texas.
A guy nearby, TED, hears this and comes right over.
TED
No kiddin. You from Corpus?
Shit. Its showtime for Annie. She throws herself in.
ANNIE
Born and raised.
TED
Whereabouts?
ANNIE
Oh, a tiny little neighborhood
called Flour Bluff.
TED
Are you bullcrappin me? North
Bluff or South Bluff?
ANNIE
South, down by Castle Park.
TED
Yever go catch redfish down there
in Laguna Madre?
ANNIE
Yeah, the summers averaged 93.2
degrees.
TED
Well I cant believe Ive never
seen you.
Annie gets more nervous.
TED (CONT'D)
Im there all the time. They call
me the Mayor of Laguna Madre. Im
Ted Stanton.
ANNIE
Im Jasmine. Jasmine Decker.
TED
Jasmine Decker? I heard she passed
away.
Caught, overwhelmed, Annie just starts making out with him.
EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
Its a dangerous looking alley. No ones around. Pierce
sits in his wheelchair, pounding on the back door of Buckets.
Its locked and no one is answering.
PIERCE
Hey! Someones out here!
He starts to roll away but his wheel gets stuck in a crack.
He cant roll out of it.
PIERCE (CONT'D)
(yelling at the door)
This is how you treat handicappers?
(MORE)
This is not a safe entrance. I saw
blacks.
Pierce pulls out his pill bottle, pours out several pills and
takes them all.
INT. BAR - A WHILE LATER
Jeff, Britta, Troy and Shirley sit at their table, now with a
few cocktail glasses, some empty, some not. Shirley happily
slurps down her bucket. All except Troy are tipsy.
BRITTA
No way can you tell the difference.
JEFF
I just did.
BRITTA
No, you peeked. You know the only
difference between a five-dollar
vodka and a twenty-dollar vodka?
Thirty dollars.
JEFF
Boloney. There is a difference in
the distillation process.
BRITTA
Youre a douche-stillation process.
(calling out to waitress)
I need more olives!
SHIRLEY
(calling out too)
And Im supposed to get free
refills on my bucket!
JEFF
Troy, its getting close to
midnight. What are you gonna
order?
TROY
You know, Ive been thinking about
my uncle Carl. He played a big
role in my life. Taught me how to
throw a football. He passed away
this year, so I think Ill have
Uncle Carls favorite drink. A
Seven and Seven.
A beat, as this sinks in. Then Jeff and Britta both lay into
him:
PIERCE (CONT'D)
JEFF/BRITTA
Thats a pussy drink!/Dont get
that.
JEFF
Get something good. Single malt.
BRITTA
Vodka straight.
JEFF
Do not listen to her unless you
want to be hanging out at freaking
Red Door with the horn-rimmed poser
coolios for the rest of your life.
BRITTA
Dont listen to Douchy Houser.
TROY
I dont know the difference between
a douche and a poser and a pussy
and a coolio!
SHIRLEY
I think Ill just get another
bucket. My kids love these things.
Troy gets up to clear his head. He walks toward the
bathroom. He pulls out his phone and dials it.
TROY
Come on, Abed, pick up.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. ABEDS DORM ROOM
Tight on Abed. He looks at his caller i.d. It says Troy
Barnes. He hesitates, then picks it up.
ABED
(pretending)
This is Abed. Leave a message.
TROY
Abed, its you, its not your
voicemail, I can tell.
(beat)
I think I can tell. Its real
subtle.
ABED
We shouldnt be talking. This is
your journey.
TROY
But its getting so weird.
Everybodys drunk, Jeff and Britta
keep telling me what to do and I
think Shirleys an alcoholic.
Just then, Troy sees Annie at the bar making out with Ted.
TROY (CONTD)
And oh my God, Annie is giving a
lap dance to some guy she just met.
ABED
Youre in the belly of the whale
now. I cant help you.
Abed hangs up.
EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
Pierce is now high on his pain killers, talking to himself.
PIERCE
Help! Ive been left here to die!
TINY SCOTT BAKULA (O.S.)
Pierce?
Pierce looks down. At his feet, we see TINY SCOTT BAKULA
ride up on a rat. He is wearing a tuxedo.
PIERCE
Oh hello, Scott Bakula. Here to
collect your poker money?
TINY SCOTT BAKULA
Nah, I know youre good for it. I
just thought you could use some
company.
PIERCE
I sure could.
TINY SCOTT BAKULA
You're in a tight spot, but youll
be just fine. The stars are out,
its a beautiful night. Why dont
you join me in a smoke?
Tiny Scott Bakula pulls out a tiny Sherlock Holmes pipe and
lights it up.
PIERCE
I dont have a Sherlock Holmes
pipe.
TINY SCOTT BAKULA
Sure you do. Right there.
He points to a normal-sized Sherlock Holmes pipe for Pierce.
Its on the ground right at his feet. Pierce leans down to
pick it up. Just then a HOMELESS MAN walks up.
HOMELESS MAN
Spare any change?
PIERCE
Cant you see were busy?
From the Homeless Mans POV, we see what Pierce really picked
up. A glass crack pipe. The homeless man backs away.
INT. BAR BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Troy splashes water on his face. We see that the Bathroom
Attendant is CHANG. He and Troy make silent, awkward eye
contact as Chang hands him a paper towel. Troy dries off.
Chang nods to the tip dish. Troy puts money in and leaves.
INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS
Troy walks up to the table. Jeff checks his watch.
JEFF
Troy, its midnight. Youre up.
Tonights the night you take the
keys... we used to hunt mammoths...
TROY
You did the speech already. Lets
just do this and get it over with.
Troy, Britta, Jeff and Shirley walk up to the bar, next to
Annie, who is still kissing Ted. Relieved she has help now,
she pulls away.
ANNIE
Ted, these are my friends. Yall,
this is Ted.
TED
Oh hey, are yall from Corpus too?
How do yall know Jasmine?
SHIRLEY
Who the hell is Jasmine?
Annie starts kissing him again.
TROY
Is everybody here? Wait a minute,
where is Pierce?
SHIRLEY
I havent seen him all night.
BRITTA
They told him to go around to the
handicap entrance.
JEFF
Yeah, hes fine.
TROY
Hes fine? Nobody went to help
him? Are you kidding me?
EXT. ALLEY - MOMENTS LATER
Troy bursts out the door just in time to catch Pierce
lighting the crack pipe. Troy grabs it and tosses it away.
TROY
No no no, thats a crack pipe.
INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER
Troy wheels Pierce up to the gang.
TROY
Dont worry, he only smoked a
little bit of crack.
(to bartender)
Okay, Seven and Seven.
JEFF
Glenfiddich!
BRITTA
Screw that. Do you know how to
make a Britta?
PIERCE
(to Shirley)
Hey, gimme some of your bucket.
Pierce starts to grab Shirleys bucket. She fends him off.
SHIRLEY
Get your own damn bucket! Im
having a special occasion up in
here!
They start slap-fighting. Troy tries to break it up.
TROY
Come on, be adults here.
Just then, Annie finally pulls away from Ted.
ANNIE
Im sorry, I cant do this. Im
not Jasmine Decker. I have a fake
i.d. Apparently stolen from a dead
girl.
TED
Hey, everyone has a secret or two.
Full disclosure, I'm happily
married. But that doesn't mean
this party has to stop, does it?
He goes to kiss her again.
ANNIE
What?! You scumbag!
She starts punching him. Troy has to break that up too.
TROY
Annie, no!
Just then, Britta grabs a customers drink and splashes it at
Jeff. They start fighting. And the rat in Pierces pocket
crawls onto the bar. The bouncer comes up and yells at Troy.
BOUNCER
You! Take your friends and get
them the hell out of here!
Troy grabs them all as best as he can and drags them out.
Pierce blows the Bouncer an angry air kiss as he passes by.
As they leave, we see the bartender set Troys drink down on
the bar. We stay on that full glass as we:
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT. SHIRLEYS MINIVAN - THAT NIGHT
Troy drives. Angry and disappointed. Annie is in the front
seat next to him, still recovering from Ted. Everyone else
is drunk. Shirley still sipping her Bucket.
SHIRLEY
This was fun, why did we leave so
soon?
TROY
We left because you all ruined my
21st birthday. I hope youre
happy.
JEFF
Troy, Troy, Im really sorry it
didnt work out. But this is not
my fault. Everything would have
been perfect if you would have let
me call the shots.
TROY
I thought it was about me calling
the shots.
JEFF
It was supposed to be, but you
didnt step up.
BRITTA
Leave him alone, hes just a kid.
PIERCE
Ill tell you what ruined tonight,
it was that gay bouncer.
Jeff sees something through the windshield (O.C.)
JEFF
There! Theres where we should
have gone! Thats Johnny Ps right
there.
BRITTA
That is not Johnny Ps.
JEFF
It sure is, look at the sign.
INSERT shot of Johnny Ps Bar.
BRITTA
That place? We always called it
Red Door because of the red door.
TROY
What?! The?! F?!
Troy pulls off the road to a screeching stop. He turns and
lays into them.
TROY (CONTD)
All this time, you two have been
arguing about THE SAME DAMN BAR?!
BRITTA
Hey, Johnny Ps is Red Door, how
about that?
TROY
No! No how about that? I looked
up to you people! I thought you
knew things. I wanted to be like
you. You're just making it up as
you go.
SHIRLEY
Youre right, theyre a couple of
phonies.
TROY
Oh dont you start, Shirley. This
was not a special occasion for
you, it was a Thursday! And no one
stepped up to look after Pierce,
who was talking to a rat. Now Im
going to turn this car around and
take you all home, and then Im
going to do what I should have done
for my birthday, which is play a
video game with my friend.
A beat, then:
BRITTA
What has two olives?
She proudly points her two thumbs at herself, each has an
olive stuck on it.
BRITTA (CONT'D)
This guy!
Britta and Jeff crack up as Troy pulls out.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ANNIES APARTMENT - A LITTLE LATER
Troy helps Annie out of the passenger side door.
ANNIE
Thanks for driving us. And for
convincing Pierce he didnt leave
his house key in my butt. And for
stopping and getting Shirley that
milk shake on the way to her place.
TROY
Well she wasnt gonna shut up about
it.
ANNIE
Hows it feel to be 21?
TROY
Not like I thought it would.
Theres a moment as they connect. She reaches to shake his
hand. They hug.
TROY (CONTD)
Good night.
EXT. SHIRLEYS MINIVAN
Troy is driving. A sloppy drunk Britta leans up to talk to
him, as a sloppy drunk Jeff nibbles at her ear.
BRITTA
Hey. Troy.
TROY
Yeah?
BRITTA
Why dont you just, uh, just go to
Jeffs place.
TROY
Take Jeff home first?
BRITTA
No, just go to Jeffs.
(giggling, to Jeff)
Do you have olives?
JEFF
Well Ill have to check the
fridge...
His head disappears as he kisses her down the neck and
beyond. Off Troys look of horror, we CUT TO:
INT. ABEDS DORM ROOM/TROYS BEDROOM - SPLITSCREEN - LATER
Abed and Troy both wear headsets as they play their videogame
together.
ABED
So, how did tonight go?
TROY
You know what? It was okay. I was
afraid of turning 21 because I
thought Id have to have things
figured out by then. But I leaned
that no one has anything figured
out. No one knows a damn thing.
ABED
Cool. I knew it had to be your
journey. Those guys are dorks.
TROY
You said it. Hey, when you turn
21, were gonna do it right.
ABED
Im 28.
TROY
Okay this relationship just got a
little creepier.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT THREE
TAG
INT. STUDY ROOM - DAY
Troy and Abed sit at the table, each holding a stack of
Polaroids like playing cards.
TROY
Got any

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