A collection of letters never sent written for a broken heart

Dear Clarissa,
I dont know if you know this, but on the day you led me out through the back exit of the
Family Dollar on Bridge treet, crossed over the bike trail, ran ahead into the woods and
colla!sed in the weeds, you changed my life forever" All I could do was watch in terror as
the dam colla!sed" I felt myself lifted off the ground" I wasnt ready for such a rush of
water" And I got soaked" I nearly drowned in your words and in your tears as I tried to
sort it all out, but the current was too strong" I thought I could anchor myself somewhere
somehow and hold you steady" But there was nowhere to stand" #he weeds had all been
swe!t away, the trees, the sidewalk, the buildings" $verything" I tried to s!eak but the
water was cree!ing around my neck and smothering my words" %hat I really wanted to
tell you was I still like you, even though you had fucked everything u!" %hat I should
have told you was how much I care about you and how much I wanted to say the right
thing but couldnt and how badly I wanted to understand you and how scared I was of
losing you and how frustrated I was that you would do this to me and how angry I was at
my own stu!idity for ex!ecting you to be somehow flawless" %hat I really said was
nothing" #he water had rushed into my lungs" And so you got u! to call your mother" And
now Im lost in your ri!tide"
Dear strangers !assing in your cars,
Could you tell when we made eye contact that I was on the verge of tears& Allow me to
ex!lain" A girl tore herself o!en in front of me" And what I saw scared me to death"
Dear multitudes of blood'thirsty mos(uitoes,
)lease sto! biting at my ankles" Already six of you have sucked out my blood" I know
that you must have kids to feed but I think Ive been through enough tonight" At least tell
me this* does my blood taste bitter or stale& If so then allow me to ex!lain* my heart was
blackened and nearly broken"
Dear Bic Ball!oint )en Com!any,
%hen one of your !ens burst inside my !ocket and oo+ed black li(uid down the front of
my chest I couldve sworn it was my heart that was broken and leaking" Anyway, you
ruined one of my favorite flannel shirts" I think from now on Ill write with !a!er'mate"
Dear Clarissa,
Do you remember that game we used to !lay on the couch in my basement& #he one
where I would lie back and you would climb on to! of me and our legs would intertwine
almost naturally like vines as I would !ress forward and try to fit as much of my mouth
into yours and then you would !ress downward and do the same to me" ometimes it felt
more like we were wrestling than making'out" %ere you ha!!y then&
Dear Cu!id,
Could you !lease aim your arrows elsewhere& I dont think this one is ever coming out"
Dear woman with brown hair,
Im sorry you dro!!ed your recei!t as you ste!!ed out of the Family Dollar and Im sorry
my reflexes werent fast enough to grab it in the wind" But if I had snatched it off the
ground and given it back to you with a faint half'smile and com!limented your !retty
brown hair, then would you have sto!!ed to thank me and maybe listen to me talk a little
more& I needed someone to talk to then"
Dear frightened little !u!!y outside Bistro,
Could you sense the storm coming& Is that why you wouldnt sniff my hand when I
offered it to you& %ere you scared of what was about to ha!!en& If I had known like you
then I !robably would have run away as fast as I could without looking back"
Dear wall,
Im sorry for !unching you when I got home" But if it makes you feel any better, it hurt
me a lot more than it hurt you"
Dear Clarissa,
I dont understand why you kee! telling me you love me and yet you can never be with
me" I dont understand why youre so afraid of becoming attached to anyone" )lease ,ust
let me know the reason so I can make sense of this" Its not knowing why that scares me
the most"
Dear B) -il Com!any,
If you ever figure out how to sto! a leak, could you let me know& I find it es!ecially hard
to slee! at night on such a soggy !illow"
Dear Clarissa,
Do you remember that time we walked into the ,ewelry store and asked the clerk if we
could take a look at the engagement rings& I wonder if she knew that we were ,ust
!laying a game called find the ugliest engagement ring" %hether she knew if we were
serious, or even cared, or not, she unlocked the cases with a smile anyway before walking
away to hel! another gentlemen !ick out a necklace !ossibly for his wife or his daughter"
#he way those stones glistened and fragmented each ray of light from the fluorescent
bulbs above us into a thousand tiny strands, I will never forget that" And the way your
bright ha+el eyes, ga+ing into those beautiful minerals, seemed to am!lify their iridescent
glow, I will never forget that either"
Dear manager of ears de!artment store in .ing of )russia,
I dont know why you kee! your store at arctic tem!eratures" )erha!s the giant !lush
!enguins at the end of the aisle next to the beanbag chairs really are alive" But thanks
anyway" #he free+ing cold hel!ed to cool my anger a little bit"
Dear andman,
I know I must be making your ,ob rather difficult since whatever sand you !lace in my
eye at night is immediately washed away, but !lease dont sto! trying" lee! is the only
way I can get my mind off of her now"
Dear mom and dad,
Allow me to ex!lain why, when you came home that night and entered through the
basement door, you saw all of our clothes lying ha!ha+ardly across the floor" I know it
must have looked !retty bad" %e ,um!ed into the !ool because it was hot" And afterward
we were (uite cold and also wet" I gave her some !a,amas of mine to wear and also a
blanket to kee! warm" I !romise it wont ha!!en ever again"
Dear Clarissa,
I never sto!!ed thinking about what you whis!ered in my ear that night" It haunts me
still" %hat are we& I wish I knew the answer"
Dear te!hen /awking,
Do you think time travel is actually !ossible& If so then could I be the first to try it out&
#heres something awful in the !ast that needs to be corrected"
Dear Clarissa,
I cannot believe a word of what you ,ust said" I refuse" It hurts too much" I thought I knew
what was wrong and I thought I could hel!" I thought if I shared with you some of my
own !ain that we could work it all out and be ha!!y together" I thought those scars on
your arm were from a !ast thats dead and gone" 0ow I understand" I understand why we
can never be together" I understand why you can never get attached to anyone" But I will
never understand why this had to ha!!en to you"
Dear friends,
#he reason I disa!!eared that night, if you even noticed, while the rest of you were
watching a movie in the basement is because I was crying in the bathroom with the door
locked and the lights turned off"
Dear Clarissa,
Im sorry" Im sorry for every angry feeling I had towards you after you said we couldnt
be together" I didnt know" Im sorry I rushed things so fast in the beginning" I swear I had
no intentions" Im sorry the world is a shithole and everyone in it is so fucked u!" Im
sorry I wasnt there to beat the living /ell out of the man who took from you what was
never his" Im sorry my a!ologies dont mean shit to you or anyone else" I ,ust dont
know what else I can do" I am so, so sorry"
Dear Clarissa,
%hy couldnt we have broken u! like normal !eo!le are su!!osed to& %hy couldnt you
have ,ust said you werent interested in me anymore& %hy couldnt you say you hated
my guts& %hy couldnt you have cheated on me& And I could have said fuck off and that
would be the end of it" Its so much harder to break u! with someone when the only
words you can say are 1I love you"2 And the only words you hear back are 1I love you
too"2
Dear Clarissa,
I dont know what more I can say but I dont want to sto! writing to you" I wish you were
here now so I could hold you" 0o words would be said" #ime would eva!orate" #he
leather sofa and the beige wall and the blank television screen and the !icture of the
Detroit skyline would all !ull away from us" And at last I could gather the strength to
whis!er into your ear over and over" Beautiful" 3orgeous" )retty" 4es!lendent" 3leaming"
3lowing" tunning" triking" 5agnificent" Da++ling" 6ovely" $tcetera" $tcetera" $tcetera"
Dear 7niverse,
%hat kind of cruel sick ,oke is this that you would lead me to her knowing what would
ha!!en& Is this su!!osed to make me a better !erson& Is this all !art of some great
unforeseen !lan of yours& Im not sure I believe that" he didnt deserve what ha!!ened
to her" And how can I ever love someone else knowing how much I still care about her&
)lease forward this message to the stars, I wish you had aligned differently that day"
Dear 4eader,
If you knew her like I did your life would never be the same" $very waking moment you
would remember the laughs, the kisses, the smiles, the touches, the ha!!iness, the ,oy"
And every night as you lie motionless staring u! into the em!tiness of s!ace you would
begin reimagining that awful scene" 8ou would see her at that !arty next to the man who
was drinking !erha!s a bit too much" 8ou would see him advancing towards her with a
hideous grin on his face" 8ou would see her fighting back" 8ou would see her friends
trying to !ull her away in a futile effort" 8ou would see her forced into a room, watch the
door close in front of you, hear the lock click, and finally you would hear the screams"
And there would be no way of making it sto!" 8ou could try holding your fingers to your
ears but even then you would still hear her crying out to you for hel!" 8ou could try
yelling at the to! of your lungs, or blasting music, or drumming the wall with your fists
but nothing would be enough to drown out the awful noise" If you knew her like I did
youd give anything for a single moment of rest" 8oud give anything to close your eyes
and see nothing but blackness" 8oud give anything to sto! thinking about her for even a
second" Because I still havent"