At the end of Feb 2014 I attended an appointment with my neurologist, feeling just slightly nervous

that I might have multiple sclerosis. I had had a strange feeling like ants running across my torso for
about 18 months, but Scott (my husband) had encouraged me that it was nothing and that, since my
mum dying, I had been a hypochondriac, and I was actually fine and to just ignore it. Finally it
reached a point where I felt I needed to get it checked out. When I eventually saw the neurologist,
after being the only person left in the waiting room, it was to the news that I had a brain tumour in
my mid brain, a tricky spot to reach. My neurologist also informed that he didnt know if it was
benign or malignant, and that I had moderate hydrocephalus (swelling of the brain) as my cerebro
spinal fluid was unable to flow through my ventricles at all, and that it was surprising I didnt have
nausea, vomiting and seizures.
I was in complete shock and it became apparent to me rather quickly after diagnosis that I wasnt
coping, a very normal reaction Im sure. Tears, loss of appetite (I lost 4kgs in a week because
everything literally tasted like cardboard), thoughts fixated on worst case scenarios, distraction from
being a mum and wife, sleeplessness. The terror was a horrid feeling. And I was truly terrified.
I knew almost immediately that there was actually only one place to go and that was to Jesus. As
supportive as my husband and family were, I knew that they actually had no say in my scenario and
no power to do anything about it. So the concept of running to God became very real, very quickly. I
was intensely seeking his comfort and his word and so within a couple of days I had typed up two
pages of bible verses to pray through (which eventually turned into six), was praying a lot, reading
the bible a lot and generally only getting any relief from my horrendous mind state by doing these
things.
It also became clear to me quite quickly that God was not going to let the situation be for nothing.
He had allowed it and he was going to use it for his purposes, whatever they may be.
I also realised that my faith had some serious cracks in it nothing like a complete disaster to shine
the light on what my faith really was like and that it was crumbling under this pressure. So as the
first couple weeks progressed, I felt that God was trying to teach me some things through what was
happening and reveal to me the areas of my faith that needed some serious work. There was a part
of me that felt this was pretty harsh. All I wanted from God was comfort and saving but he was
bringing things to my attention that were uncomfortable and that I didnt really want to deal with.
But Jesus knew these things had to be dealt with for me to get through what was going on. My faith
and my relationship with Jesus needed to be rock solid for me to get through this storm.
So in the period leading up to my going to Sydney (4 weeks after diagnosis) there were five things
that I realised God wanted to deal with in me through this situation and finally lay to rest, and they
were five things that had been an issue for most of my life.
1. The first was fear, worry and anxiety as a child I had been regularly very fearful of my mum
dying and had a period where I would follow her around and not let her out of my sight. I
would also lie in bed at night and not go to sleep until I heard her car come down the
driveway. When my mum died after a 16 month battle with Leukaemia when I was 22 my
worst fear had come true. And yet, God carried me through this time and also led me to
meet my now husband, who was a huge support. Then my fear moved onto worrying that
Scott would die, and when my kids were born, that something would happen to them. Fear
had been a constant companion even as I tried to give my fears to Jesus, rearing its ugly
head with regularity. It didnt stop me from doing things, but it certainly gave me a degree of
mental turmoil. My mind was not strong enough to hold off my fearful thoughts all the time
and I often wondered why I couldnt get on top of them even though I regularly handed
them to God. I recognised that I wasnt a particularly strong person mentally and
emotionally and I desperately wanted to be stronger. So when I got the news, and was
bombarded with such severe fear and anxiety, I knew that I would have to deal with my fear
properly and that there was only one place I knew I would find any relief in Jesus. And it
was essentially only when I was praying to him and spending time with him that I felt any
genuine relief. So I literally ran to God, as fast as I could. As I read the bible and the verses I
had typed out for myself it became very clear to me that not only did Jesus not want me to
worry, be fearful or be troubled, he literally was telling me not to. He was verbally telling me
to do something. I have often sought out Gods guidance and his voice but God has never
spoken to me in an audible way and I had always thought that the sense of his guidance that
I felt in my heart could easily be just my own desires and not really what God wanted me to
do. But what I realised through this time was that every single time I open up the bible, Jesus
speaks to me. Every. Single. Time. Whatever I read is him speaking to me, so actually I can
hear his voice as often as I want, and that is wonderful. And in reading through all the verses
about fear and worry (and there are a lot), I realised that he WAS speaking to me and he
wanted me to stop. As I meditated on the verses that speak against worry, I gradually began
to stop worrying, stop being anxious, stop thinking ahead; and every time I did start thinking
in these ways I would give it back to him.

The other thing I had realised is that it was difficult for me to draw closer to God and feel his
touch on my life when I was hardly spending any time with him. So after the news, when I
was spending lots of time reading his words to me and praying, I began to feel much closer
to him and his words and direction became much more embedded in my brain and my
heart. At one stage I said to Scott that I was learning to not worry and not be anxious but my
thoughts would sometimes get away from me. Then as I meditated on the verse Phillipians
4: 6-9 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with
thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God and the peace of God, which transcends all
understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus it occurred to me that
this verse was actually saying that Gods peace would GUARD my heart and my mind, like a
sentinel, preventing anything horrid from taking away my peace from God. This took on new
meaning for me as I dwelt on the fact that God would guard my heart and mind to allow me
to have peace. Just so wonderful. Other verses that I spent time meditating on were
Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own
understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight. God
wants my trust despite my total lack of understanding about why this is happening (and
Gods plan is often not revealed to us. He is God. We probably couldnt handle it anyway,
but he was telling me to trust in him and not lean on my own lack of understanding, and I
loved that he was telling me to do this direction from God!) And then John 14:27 Peace I
leave you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be
troubled and do not be afraid. Reading this over and over and praying over it finally made it
real. I was not calm or anxiety free all of the time, and had many a tear as well, but I can
honestly say a lot of the time following that first week or so I felt fine. And when I felt my
thoughts drifting into the unknown I repeated these verses and took hold of them, knowing
that this is what God wanted for me.

The other thing that enabled me to have so much peace before Sydney was the prayers of
my Christian brothers and sisters. I have no doubt that God hears our prayers and responds,
and these prayers (and Gods response) sustained me in a way I never thought possible.

2. Control I like to be in control. And I had pretty much always felt that I was in control, to an
extent. I could control my home life, my work, our social life, what went on on a daily basis.
Even though I knew that things could happen that were out of my control, like my mum
dying, I generally felt like I had to be in control of anything I could, and hold tight to daily
control. But I realised that this situation was COMPLETELY out of my control. I was
powerless. I was totally weak. I had nothing. Nothing to give to this situation. No strength.
Like, nothing. But he said to me my grace is sufficient for you (it is, he has taken care of my
eternity and thats the biggest thing), for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore
I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christs power may rest on me
2 Corinthians 12:9. This verse has so much meaning for me. I am totally weak, powerless, out
of control and thats the best place to be for Gods power to be manifest and for Jesus
power to rest on me. So that became ok, no control became fine, because Gods power
would be made perfect in my weakness. God is good. Just so good. And I knew that this
battle was the Lords, not my own. Because I have no power or control and am totally weak,
I am daily giving this battle to him, with huge thankfulness, because I know that opens my
life up to his enormous power. I am happy to boast about my powerlessness and lack of
control in this situation because the bible says this is when Gods power is perfect. And the
times when I have felt at my absolute lowest, where I have felt I have gotten to the end of
myself, were the times when I desperately cried out to Jesus and he gave me new strength,
he was there at the end of my rope, that was when his power was most noticeable when I
was at my lowest ebb and all I had was him, he met me there and provided what I needed.

3. Superstition and incorrect thoughts these were some of my thoughts
Because Jesus healed my husband of his brain cyst, thats the only miracle we can
ask for so that means bad news for me
I had that judgemental/ hypocritical/ nasty thought about that person so now I
wont be healed
Because Ive been too grateful and always tried to do my best for God hes let this
happen to me, I should have just been a selfish cow my whole life then I wouldnt
have been attacked
Jesus didnt heal that other lovely Christian person so it would be unfair for him to
heal me
I dont deserve to be healed because Im not special
If I dont spend x number of hours a day praying I wont be healed
If I dont rely on God all the time and be superhuman about all this thats lack of
faith and I wont be healed

And these were only the half of it. ALL of these thoughts are not of God. Not at all. God
needed to make superstition die in me. There is nothing I can do or not do that will make
God decide he wont heal me. There is nothing I can do or not do that will change Gods
infinite love for me. While I was yet a sinner he sent his son to die for me, he knows how
many hairs I have on my head, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, he knit me together in
my mothers womb, God delights in and cherishes me God LOVES me! These were all
verses that I meditated on. And the point I needed to get to was accepting that God has a
plan. I dont know this plan, but I do know its good (because the bible tells me that). God
has allowed me to go through this for a reason. I know the first reason its the refining of
my faith, which is worth more than gold, and which desperately needed to happen (in fact I
had been asking for some time that I would have a deeper relationship with Jesus). Of
course, I am praying that this refining of my faith will be for a purpose, that God will get me
through this and use this growth to enable me to be a living sacrifice for him. But if I dont
well Im going to heaven. Im still not okay with this, because I desperately want to watch my
children grow up and see my grandchildren (which my mum didnt get to do), but I dont
need to be okay with this right now. Because God gives me the strength I need for today.
Not tomorrow, or the next day, for today. None of us knows when our last day will be. Just
recently a Malaysian airline flight disappeared enroute. None of those people knew that day
would be their last. So God has shown me that I only need to think about today. Tomorrow
will bring enough trouble of its own and God will give me the strength I need for tomorrow,
tomorrow. Hes given me the strength I need for today and thats what matters. So living in
the moment and being thankful for the day has allowed me to make the most of the joyful
moments of each day and not be taken over by future fears.

4. Trust: Ive always felt that I have been able to trust God with my finances, with my job, with
the general direction my life has taken. But I have never felt I could trust God with my
health. Maybe because, despite all my faithful prayers, my mum died. And she appeared to
be just about the most loving Christian you could find. She was a pastor and loved and cared
for so many people, giving of herself sometimes exhaustively. And yet, despite many
prayers, God allowed her to die. When I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that with just a
word, he could have healed her. Why? I wont know the answer of that this side of heaven.
So maybe my lack of trust in Jesus regarding my health comes from this. But I realised that if
I didnt trust God, I was not going to have peace. During my prayer times I was meditating on
the verse from Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of
those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I began reading a
bible commentary from William Barclay that explained that essentially what this verse is
saying is that God seeks and desires only what is best for us, that God alone knows what is
best for us and that only Gods power can bring to pass that which is best for us. And this
resonated so strongly with me. So Im still working on the trust but Im much further along
on the journey.

5. Negativity/ Pessimism: Most people who know me would say that Im a pretty positive
person. And when it relates to other people, generally I am. But when it comes to things to
do with myself, God showed me that I was really quite negative. My default position was to
fall into worst case scenario mode and dwell on all the horrid stuff that could be ahead of
me. I was positive if I considered other peoples healing, but not positive when it came to my
own. I actually had to fight back thoughts that maybe God wanted to knock me off (He loves
me and seeks and desires only what is best for me). Or that he was punishing me (There is
no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus). I realised that it was much easier to
think negative thoughts, that it took much more effort to think positive thoughts. I also
realised that I needed to be in control of my thoughts and not allow my emotions to be my
master, but rather be the master of my feelings and master what I thought about. This takes
practice but God has revealed it to me and I am determined, with his help, to no longer be
driven by fickle, changing emotions.
So God revealed all of these things to me and began working on them before I went to Sydney and
he had me in as good a place as I could be in, in preparation for that. I know without a shadow of
doubt that Jesus had his hand on the entire process from being given the news, to my surgery and
beyond. So many coincidences and amazing things lined up for me, and I know it was God.
Firstly, my sister had not lived in the same state or country as I had for half my life (17 years), but she
just happened to have moved back to Adelaide for 5 months on furlough and arrived three weeks
before I got the diagnosis. This was amazing as she was such a huge support to me and wasnt
working so we were able to spend a lot of time together, which I really needed. Also, it meant that
my children could stay with her while Scott and I went to Sydney. She had enrolled her children in
my daughters school for the two terms of living in Australia and had moved into a rental 4 houses
from the school so was easily able to walk the kids to school and drop my son at kindy just a couple
of kilometres away. This was especially fortunate as Scotts parents, who often care for our children,
were overseas at the time.
Secondly, my sisters best friend Julie just happened to be married to a neurosurgeon in the United
States (David), who worked closely with another neurosurgeon (Dr Benny Iskandar) who happened
to know Dr Charlie Teo personally. My sister informed her best friend of my diagnosis, who told her
husband, who told his colleague and within three days of being given my diagnosis Dr Iskandar, from
the State,s had requested to see my MRI films and my brother organised to have them shared via
the net. Julies husband David then called me from America (this was essentially a consult over the
phone within a few days of my diagnosis) to talk me through what the diagnosis meant, which was
just so wonderful. He answered many of my questions. This was also handy as I had been placed on
a waiting list for a consult at the Royal Adelaide Hospital and had no idea when I would be seen by a
neurosurgeon. David also informed me that there were many neurosurgeon hacks and that, given
the location of my tumour, there was only one person in Australia who he would trust to do my
surgery Dr Teo. Dr Iskandar then emailed Dr Teo on my behalf and I received a call from Dr Teos
secretary to say that I was booked in for 2 months time. I felt quite ok about this although the build-
up of stress of not knowing what was in my head was starting to get to me a bit. Dr Iskandar then
emailed Dr Teo again, without my knowledge, to see if I could see him earlier, and all of a sudden I
was booked in for a fortnight. Jesus is super amazing at coordinating this stuff and I am so grateful to
Julie, David and Benny for their care and concern.
Thirdly, we were fortunate that my mums cousin, Sue, lived in Syndey, around 10km from the
hospital where I would be staying and she offered for us to stay with her. Her house was a little
haven for us and Sue was helpful, driving us around to appointments, taking us out for dinner and
just basically being a caring and calm support person.
So we went to Sydney. Meeting Dr Teo was phenomenal. Mainly because, within a few minutes, he
had given my future back to me. He said straight out This tumour wont kill you, you can start
planning your childrens weddings. He said that he had seen many of them before and showed me
images of other peoples brains with the same tumour in the same location. He said that he did not
want to biopsy the tumour as this could leave me with double vision and that he was positive it was
a benign tumour that could stay there for a long time, unless it changed/ became malignant down
the track. He said that I still needed to have brain surgery to relieve the pressure in my brain from
the hydrocephalus, and that basically he would punch a hole in my membrane to allow the cerebro
spinal fluid to flow in my brain again as the tumour was blocking the normal path of the fluid. It was
just such a huge relief and Scott and I were both on a high after we left. The next day however, it hit
home to me that I still needed to have brain surgery and this was something that I was still hugely
fearful of going through. On the day of the surgery, when Scott had to leave me in the waiting bay, I
can honestly say I got to the end of myself, the end of my emotional and mental strength, and all I
wanted was to be given the anaesthetic so I could either die in surgery (and wake up in heaven with
Jesus and my mum) or wake up and be able to see my husband and kids again. I just literally couldnt
cope with being conscious anymore, my mental turmoil was so great.
But Jesus (and Dr Teo ) got me through it. We returned to Adelaide and I was overwhelmed with
relief to get home to my kids and just be with them and my family. A week after we returned though
I began to drop emotionally and mentally. I had some side effects from the surgery (pins and
needles, dizziness, weird sensations) and every time I felt them I began thinking has the tumour
grown? Whats happening in my brain? and got quite freaked out. I got to the point where I literally
felt like I was on the cusp of having a breakdown. And what was going through my head was why?
Ive been through the worst part, why am I feeling like this, Im a total failure. After allowing these
and other incorrect thoughts to torment me for about a week I realised that I thought it would all be
over when I got home; but it wasnt. I now had to live with this pea in my brain and hope it never
became malignant. And I was struggling with this hugely. So it was back to Jesus I went. Going back
to all the things I had learned before going to Sydney and all the things Jesus had been teaching me.
Im now at the point where I feel really good most days. I am trusting Jesus more and more every
day. I am continuing to spend more time with him, not just because I need to but because I want to.
I am eager to learn more about his character and how he wants to work in my life and especially
eager to learn more about his love for me and have it translate from my head to my heart. And he is
just so faithful. One of the things I struggled with was whether I could believe Dr Teo when he said I
wouldnt die of this. What if he was wrong? But I recognised that this was a pointless thought just
like many others. Trust means trust and Im going to trust in Jesus for the long haul with this. Jesus
knows me so well too and he is so loving and kind to me. He knows what I need. Just a few weeks
ago the 100 Most Trusted People in Australia list came out from Readers Digest, and guess who
was top of the list? Dr Teo. Just another little coincidence that I think is actually Jesus speaking to
me, saying Yes my darling daughter, you can trust what Dr Teo said, see? Hes the most trusted
man in Australia. Are you feeling better now? I arranged that just for you. I am blessed to know
such a man as Jesus and be loved by him. What a privilege to have him carry me through this
journey. He knows how many hairs I have on my head, and he knows how many I had shaved off for
surgery and he knows how many will go grey in my old age. Even I dont care about that and yet he
does; how wonderful.
Jasmine Berry