Tug1

Melise Tug
FHS-2400-400-Su14
Professor Mark Jarvis
July 3, 2014

Divorce & Love: Interview a person who has been divorced (it is even better if they have
remarried). Ask them how their definition of love changed as they went through the various
stages of dating, engagement, newlywed, married, divorce. As with other assignments, try NOT
to settle for "simple" answers. To do this assignment correctly you will probably need to spend
at least 30 minutes with the person you are interviewing.

For this question I chose to interview my mother because she has been married and
divorced twice. She began by saying that in the early stages of dating, she was looking for
someone she couldnt live without, but after a while you realize what you really need is someone
you can live with. You think its going to be all about him leaving you breathless, but in the
end what really matters is if he treats you with kindness, respect, and makes you feel safe. For
the most part, my mom chose to use her first marriage as a template for these questions, because,
she said, he was her first love, it never waned, and the attraction was immediate and lasting. My
mother commented on the newlywed stage saying that during this time your love grows much
deeper for the other person because you learn so many new things about them, and your
admiration for them grows as you see more of their good qualities. During the years and years of
marriage her commitment and connectedness cemented firmly for her husband. She took joy in
knowing hers as well as his commitment to the lives they had started were real. I believe my
mom falls under the category that most people do, in feeling that love includes commitment and
commitment includes love (Strong & Cohen, 2014, p. 161). The longest part of my interview
with my mother was the description of the end of her marriage and her divorce. She said that
during the last few months of her marriage, it felt like there was an enormous weight on her
shoulders. She knew she had to leave for the wellbeing of her children, and their futures. Her
definition of love didnt change, she said, it just shifted. When you realize the love you have for
someone is detrimental, you must shift the love back to yourself and your own self preservation.
I then asked her after all that has happened with two destructive marriages, where did she stand
now with the concept of love. She simply said, I am aware now how someone should love you
when they truly love you.


References:
1) Strong, B, & Cohen, T. F. (2014). The marriage and family experience: Intimate relationships
in a changing society (12th ed.). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth