Season 1 Episode 3.

5
TUPPERWARE PARTY

Written by
Mitch Garver

Created by
Abbi Jacobson & Ilana Glazer







First Draft
mcgarve@pointpark.edu
TEASER
EXT. FIFTH AVENUE, HARLEM - NIGHT
Dark here, almost too dark. ABBI (26) and ILANA (23) walk at
a hurried pace, arm-and-arm.
ILANA
I dont know, man! Maybe because
you have your hair up?
ABBI
Just because I have my hair in a
ponytail does not mean Im, like
all of the sudden a lesbian.
ILANA
Well, then it mustve just been the
overall progressive spirit that
oozes from your pores! Take it as a
compliment, dude! I mean, it takes
massive kahunas to walk up to an
eight like you and demand a date.
ABBI
I just wish someone with actual
kahunas would walk up to me and
demand a date. You know, like, a
dude.
(BEAT)
You think Im an eight?
ILANA
Seven point five. I round up.
ABBI
How much farther is the bus stop?
This part of town is a little too
CSI for my liking.
ILANA
Okay, first of all, you should
never feel unsafe when youre with
me on account of my double-jointed
limbs. Like, I can really kick some
ass. And two, you need to learn to
embrace the night, dude!
Ilana prances ahead, spinning, LAUGHING - think Julie Andrews
on a hillside.
ILANA (CONTD)
The nocturnal life is the life for
me! In the daytime Im like cyborg
Ilana, you know? Like, just another
sheep in the pride, but once that
sun sets and that big glorious moon
hits center stage it becomes my
spotlight and tonight is tech
rehearsal, you know? And Im, like
fucking the director and hes way
into butt-stuff, but still allows
me to feel like a lady. Am I
right?!
A BEAT, then-
ABBI
What the fuck are you talking
about, dude?
Ilana pulls a joint from her bag, lights it, tokes. On her
exhale-
ILANA
The night time. Its my shit. Here.
She passes to Abbi, they continue their trek.
ABBI
I really hope the new Hunger Games
is on Netflix, cause Ive-
A HOMELESS MAN appears from the shadows-
HOMELESS MAN
You girls like to feel good?
Abbi SCREAMS and Ilana KICKS the Man in the crotch - he goes
down hard.
The girls run away as we hold on the GROANING Homeless Man. A
BEAT and Ilana runs back to him.
ILANA
I am so sorry, sir. Im not usually
that aggressive, Ive just-
HOMELESS MAN
Let me munch on that kitty cat,
Curly-Q.
ILANA
Ew, what?!
2.
She DECKS the Man in the face, runs away. Off the Mans fetal
position we
SMASH TO TITLES.
ACT ONE
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Just down the hallway we can see a package in front of a door
- the girls mosey toward it, oblivious.
ABBI
Dude, youre not sleeping in my
bed, youre sleeping in the
bathtub!
ILANA
I swear to God Abbi, if you make me
sleep in that bathtub again I will
get up in the middle of the night
and purposely piss all over you
while youre sleeping!
They reach Abbis door. Abbi notices the package-
ABBI
What?
Ilana still unaware-
ILANA
Im going to mark my territory!
Golden showers, bitch!
ABBI
No, Ilana. Look.
They both investigate the package.
ILANA
Oh, okay. I am so drunk. This
package is drunk. Go home package.
ABBI
Okay, maybe you need a coffee?
Abbi unlocks her door, package in hand and enters, Ilana
follows-
ILANA
I need my bong.
3.
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
The girls enter to find BEVERS watching TV in the dark,
SOBBING into a pillow, surrounded by candles.
He regains his composure once he notices the girls.
ABBI
Ew, Bevers. Why are you crying?
She drops her stuff on a table, heads for the coffee maker in
the kitchenette. Ilana takes a seat next to Bevers-
BEVERS
Crying? Whos crying? Im not.
These eyes are dry. Theyre not
slightly moist, they just appear
that way because of my sea foam
green iris-is-es-sis.
ILANA
Why are you watching Greys
Anatomy?
Bevers, slightly offended-
BEVERS
Because the love Meredith has for
Dr. Shepherd is real!
(SOBS)
Whether he knows it or not!
Ilana moves away-
ILANA
Okay.
A BEEPING from the television-
BEVERS
(TO THE TV)
Oh my God! Call a code! Dont just
stand there! Page Dr. Bailey! Page
the Chief!
Abbi hands Ilana a mug, they move over to the package on the
table-
ABBI
Bevers, did somebody knock on the
door today?
4.
BEVERS
Yeah. A package came for you.
(TO THE TV)
CALL A CODE!
ABBI
And you left it in the hallway?
BEVERS
Yeah, I know how much you dont
like it when I touch your things.
(TO THE TV)
OH NO! HIS BP IS DROPPING!
ABBI
What?! You can touch things that --
er, just dont touch -- you know
what? Whatever. Its fine.
BEVERS
Cool!
ABBI
(UNDER BREATH)
Why are you even in my life?
ILANA
Sensual Sensations? Whos Abigail
Python?
Abbis eye widen - a low resonating TONE-
ABBI
What did you just say?
Everything slows down, complete horror comes over Abbi-
ILANA
(SLO-MO)
Abigail Python?
The TONE again - Abbis in shock. She loses her balance,
collapse onto the floor-
The sound of a FLATLINE from the TV.
BEVERS
NOOO!
ILANA
Dude, are you okay? Whats wrong?
(MORE FLATLINE)
ABBI?!
5.
Abbi rolls over-
ABBI
Sensual Sensations is the company
that hosted that naughty Tupperware
party we went to-
(BEAT)
And-
(BEAT)
I am Abigail Python.
Off Ilanas overly-shocked expression, the FLATLINE carries
us into
ACT TWO
EXT. NEW YORK STREET - NIGHT
The girls walk down a sidewalk, dressed business casual. Abbi
refers to a note on her iPhone-
ABBI (V.O.)
It happened three weeks ago, I
remember it vividly.
SUPER: THREE WEEKS AGO
BEVERS (V.O.)
Well, of course you remember it
vividly, three weeks ago isnt that
long of a time span.
ILANA (V.O.)
Yeah, and it wasnt even three
weeks ago, it was two weeks ago.
SUPER: TWO WEEKS AGO
ABBI (V.O.)
No, it was three.
SUPER: THREE WEEKS AGO
ILANA (V.O.)
Okay, dude. Whatevs.
Abbi and Ilana come to the front steps of a massive
Brownstone-
ABBI
This is it, 804. Im telling you
dude, Jeff at Bed, Bath and Beyond
swears by this stuff.
6.
ILANA
So, youre going to take advice
from some dude just because he
works at Bed, Bath and Beyond?
ABBI
If Jeff says that Tupperware Party
Tupperware is better than Bed, Bath
& Beyond Tupperware Im going to
believe him... and hes not just
some dude, hes-
ABBI (CONTD)
Jeff from Bed, Bath and
Beyond, and he truly goes
beyond for his customers.
ILANA
Jeff from Bed, Bath and
Beyond, and he truly goes
beyond for his customers.
ILANA
Yeah, youve said that before.
ABBI
Really?
ILANA
Yeah, at least six or seven times.
ABBI
Wow.
Ilana RINGS the doorbell-
ILANA
Youre just lucky that the alcohol
selection is typically primo at
these snore-paloozas.
ABBI
Okay, well lets just try to remain
classy, composed, ladies about
this, okay? We dont want another
Bryant-Park-2012-situation on our
hands.
ILANA
Oh my God! That was one time, and
there arent even any geese here
anyway, so...
The door opens and were greeted by a tall woman-
7.
INT. TOWNHOME - CONTINUOUS
WOMAN
Yay, more guests! Come in, come in,
come in! Im Jillian, your hostess!
JILLIAN (50s) offers a curtsey. The girls return the gesture
not quite as gracefully as Jillian-
ABBI
Im Abbi. This is Ilana.
ILANA
Yo.
ABBI
A good friend of mine forwarded me
an invite, I hope its okay that-
JILLIAN
-Oh, please! The more the merrier!
Thats what I always say.
(TO ILANA)
Even in the bedroom, am I right,
Curly-Q?
She winks, Ilana recoils-
JILLIAN (CONTD)
I can take your coats. If you dont
mind me asking, what friend invited
you?
ABBI
Jeff from Bed, Bath & Beyond.
JILLIAN
I love Jeff! He really goes beyond
for his customers.
ABBI
Thats what I said!
Jillian hangs the girls coats in a closet and ushers them up
a stairway-
JILLIAN
Everybody is up here. Youre just
in time too, the demonstration is
about to begin.
ILANA
(TO ABBI)
Demonstration for Tupperware?
8.
ABBI
(TO ILANA)
Yeah, probably to see how they
stand up in microwaves, freezers,
its important because-
JILLIAN
-Ladies, we have two more frisky
friends!
The girls reach the top floor, the room is full of older
women - the women CATCALL, welcoming the girls-
ABBI
Hi there. Thank you for, er
good to have you. Hi. Thanks.
ILANA
What up? What up, ladies?
Lookin good, feelin fine.
JILLIAN (CONTD)
Okay, girls. Bars in the kitchen,
bathrooms down the hall and the
demonstration begins in five! Yay!
ABBI
Yay!
ILANA
Yay!
Jillian joins her friends in the living room where a table
draped by a sheet faces everybody.
Abbi turns to Ilana-
ABBI
Okay, I think that given the age-
range of our fellow party-goers we
should absolutely stick together
and-
ILANA
-I gotta go take a dump.
Ilana bolts down the hallway and before Abbie can even
pretend to keep cool-
JILLIAN
Abbi! Get over here, wallflower!
Meet the other ladies!
ABBI
What? Okay, let me just get a -- my
cell phone is -- I forgot that I
need to -- get on a phone call in
the -- the soon -- soon -- sooner?
I need to get on a phone call in
the sooner.
9.
And with that, embarrassed Abbi slides into the next room-
BATHROOM
The nicest bathroom Ilanas ever seen. First, she heads for
the medicine cabinet-
ILANA
Score!
BACK TO THE PRESENT
ILANA (CONTD)
Oh yeah! That was the night I
snorted those vitamin C tablets!
BEVERS
Why would you want to do that?
ILANA
I thought they were benzos.
ABBI
Yeah, she was trying to party, but
just ended up boosting her immune
system.
ILANA
Havent been sick since.
BACK TO TOWNHOME BATHROOM - THREE WEEKS AGO
The sound of something being SNORTED, Ilana raises her head,
a slightly orange powder decorating her nostrils-
She rubs some on her gums-
ILANA
Man this shit is good.
ILANA (V.O.)
And good for ya.
She references the bottle: FLINTSTONES...
She shrugs and pours the rest of the bottle into her bag and
returns it to the cabinet.
She spots something else-
ILANA
Yes!
10.
Something else-
ILANA (CONTD)
Nice!
KITCHEN
Abbi enters-
ABBI
I have to get on a phone call in
the sooner? What the fuck is wrong
with me?
Just ahead of Abbi a bar is set up on the kitchen island -
just behind it, a very handsome BARTENDER-
BARTENDER
What can I get you?
ABBI
What?
BARTENDER
Is there a drink I can make for
you?
Abbi checks behind her-
BARTENDER (CONTD)
Are you? Youre talking to me?
He LAUGHS-
BARTENDER (CONTD)
Yep-
ABBI
Wow, okay. Okay, great. Awesome. I
will take one-
Ilana bolts into the room-
ILANA
(TO THE MAN)
Two Irish car bombs, a
whiskey/ginger, a red wine, and
make something sweet for yourself,
Tiger.
ABBI
Ilana, what the fuck?
11.
ILANA
Dude, we may or may not have to
leave like right this second.
ABBI
Whats that smell?
ILANA
Nothing we should probably just go-
Abbi takes a whiff of Ilana-
ABBI
Is that Vicks Vapor Rub?
ILANA
Yeah, it was in the bathroom and I-
ABBI
-And you helped yourself? Youre
not even sick or congested or
anything!
ILANA
Yeah, not now!
She flashes Abbi the contents of her bag: the vapor rub, the
vitamins, q-tips, a bar of soap, a handful of tampons, a hand
towel, toothpaste...
ABBI
Ilana! Dude, what the fuck?!
ILANA
You know when I get nervous I
become a clepto!
Abbi pulls out a sink faucet handle from the bag-
ABBI
Why the hell would you want this?
ILANA
I don't know, man! It broke off in
the heat of it all. Im like really
buzzing on some shit I found in
there. I feel like my spine is on
fire right now!
ABBI
What? You werent even gone that
long.
The Bartender returns-
12.
BARTENDER
Car bombs, whiskey, red wine.
Anything else ladies?
ILANA
Yeah, your dick!
ABBI
Whoa there!
(FAKE LAUGH)
Your dick? His dick? What? Shes
crazy! Shes crazy! We dont want
your dick.
ILANA
Yeah we do. We want it bad.
ABBI
Nope! Shes just -- shes just a
jokester.
The bartender walks off-
ILANA
Abbi, get on my level, dude! No
more awkward Abbi! Cmon now!
With that, the girls take their car bombs, and by the time
they SLAM their empty glasses on the table-
JILLIAN (O.S.)
Demonstration time!
ABBI
Yes! Tupperware! I almost forgot!
We go into a DRUNKEN POV: leaving the kitchen and entering
the living room where every eye is on us.
JILLIAN
Sit. Sit. Sit.
We take a seat, just in front of us, the table covered by a
sheet.
JILLIAN (CONTD)
Lets get this naughty Tupperware
party started, ladies!
ABBI
Naughty?
13.
We leave the POV and Jillian whips the sheet off of the table
revealing sex toys galore: phallic vibrators, BUZZING dildos,
butt-plugs, anal beads, lube, bondage and S&M equipment...
ABBI (CONTD)
(HORRIFIED)
Oh. My. God.
ILANA
(THRILLED)
Oh. My. God!
ACT THREE
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT - PRESENT
Abbi, Ilana, and Bevers have moved to the couch, a few more
candles have been lit-
BEVERS
So, you went to a Tupperware party
you werent even invited to? Stole
vast amounts of toiletries and then
drunkenly purchased sex toys?
ABBI
Basically.
BEVERS
Well, lets open the package then!
I wanna see!
Abbi guards the box-
ABBI
No! No, you guys. I was highly
inebriated by the time I was making
my order. I dont even know whats
in here.
ILANA
This is no time for prudeness,
Abbi! Besides-
A BEAT, a CRACK of lightning, then-
ILANA (CONTD)
(MELODRAMATIC)
I know what you ordered.
ABBI
You do?
14.
BEVERS
You do?
Another CRACK of lightning-
LINCOLN
You do?
Everybody SCREAMS on account of Lincolns sudden appearance-
ABBI
Lincoln, how long have you been
there?
LINCOLN
Ive been here for the majority of
the story. Youre a wonderful
storyteller, Abbi.
ABBI
Thanks, I guess.
LINCOLN
Youre welcome.
ILANA
You should really announce yourself
to a room when you enter. Its just
polite.
LINCOLN
My bad.
ILANA
Anyway.
She CLEARS her throat-
ILANA (CONTD)
I know what you ordered!
BEVERS
You said that already!
LINCOLN
Yeah, go on!
ILANA
Fine.
15.
TOWNHOME - LIVING ROOM - THREE WEEKS AGO
Abbi is examining a leather whip while Ilana shows a circle
of eager women a few of the toys-
ILANA (V.O)
You guys were a lot more respectful
toward Abbi when she was telling
the story.
LINCOLN (V.O.)
Abbis just a natural storyteller.
ABBI (V.O.)
Thanks, Lincoln.
LINCOLN (V.O.)
Youre welcome.
ILANA (V.O.)
So Abbi started to fill out the
order form when I was showing that
old Russian woman how to use the
remote control for the Dolphin 2.0.
ABBI (V.O.)
Oh, yeah.
ILANA
Now, be careful with that thing
Olga! Slow and steady!
She approaches Abbi-
ILANA (CONTD)
O.M.G! Youre buying something? I
thought for sure youd be all butt-
hurt about there not being any
Tupperware.
ABBI
I was. Until I sent a very heated
Facebook message to Jeff from Bed,
Bath, and Beyond. I feel better
now. That, and I think this Pinot
is helping too.
She downs the rest of her wine-
16.
ABBI (CONTD)
Im just going to get some lotions
and oil and other boring shit
because Im Abbi and thats the
sort of stuff Id get at a sex toy
party because Im boring-Abbi.
ABBI (V.O.)
I would never say something like
that!
ILANA (V.O)
Im telling the story now! So, when
Abbi thought she was done ordering
I took the liberty to add a few of
my recommendations.
ABBI (V.O.)
You what?
While Abbis back is turned, Ilana scribbles a few extra
things on Abbis order sheet.
Abbi turns back toward Ilana-
ABBI
I should probably use an alias,
shouldnt I?
ILANA
Great idea!
ABBI
Right? Like, I dont want Jeremy
from down the hall seeing that I
have a package from some sex-toy-
party-company. I dont want him to
think Im, like some sort of sex-
crazed nymphomaniac. Or do I?
ILANA
I know, right? Plus, these days,
you gotta weary of people finding
you online and these people are
complete freaks!
(TO PARTY-GOER)
Shawna, are you leaving? Oh, well
you take care and you let me know
how Harold feels about that ball-
gag. Bye, girl! Love you!
(BACK TO ABBI)
Complete. Freaks.
17.
JILLIAN
Excuse me! Did anybody happen to
accidentally take -- like, all the
toiletries from the bathroom?
ILANA
Yikes. Later!
Ilana eases out of sight.
Abbi grips the pen, hovers over the NAME box of the form. She
scribes ABIGAIL and drastically looks around the room for
inspiration-
She spots the anal beads -- no
The double-headed dildo -- no
The edible lingerie -- no
She spots the largest thing on the display table: a two foot
long black dildo with a name emblazon on the side: THE PYTHON
ABBI
(UNDER HER BREATH)
Perfect.
She finishes signing her new name, hands the form to Jillian-
JILLIAN
Thanks so much, Abbi! Hey, you
dont know where your friend went
to, do you? Its just, somebody
said that she smelled of vapor rub
and saw a few tampons sticking out
of her bag, and-
ABBI
Friend? What are you talking about?
I came to this party alone.
JILLIAN
What? No, no, your friend. Ilana?
ABBI
Oh my God. My mothers name was
Ilana, but she died when I was six.
Oh my God. You saw her?! With me?!
Are you a medium? Is she in the
room right now?
Abbi slowly backs away-
18.
ABBI (CONTD)
Mom? Mommy? Are you here? Mom?
She makes it to the stairwell where Ilana is waiting, they
SLAP five and head down the stairs.
ACT FOUR
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT
The gang has gathered around the coffee table, no one is
speaking, all eyes are on the unopened package.
A BEAT, then-
ILANA
I cant take this anymore!
She lunges for the box, Bevers joins in and begins scratching
at the tape-
BEVERS
Whats in the box?! WHATS IN THE
BOX?!
LINCOLN
You guys!
He grabs the package, hands it to Abbi-
LINCOLN (CONTD)
Abbis names is -- er, Abbis name
is sorta on the package so she
should be the one that opens it. We
must respect the federal mail
system.
ABBI
Thanks, Lincoln. I was starting to
feel like I was in the climax of
Se7ev.
BEVERS
Does that make me Brad?
ILANA
Shut up, Bevers.
She hands Abbi a pair of scissors-
ILANA (CONTD)
Here, girl!
19.
ABBI
You know what? Ilana, you should
open it. Its basically your order
and-
ILANA
Yes!
She STABS the box. One long gash and were in. Ilana is a kid
on Christmas morning. She upturns the box spewing its
contents onto the table-
The last object to fall, the largest, THE PYTHON. It lands
with a THUD, a unanimous GASP.
ABBI
You bought The Python?
ILANA
Well, technically you bought The
Python, but YES! I got it for me
and Lincoln.
Lincoln picks up the massive dildo-
LINCOLN
This aint right. Sex toys in
general aint right. Why do adults
need toys? Were not children.
ILANA
And Abbi, I got you this!
She hands her a small container. Abbi examines the container,
reading-
ABBI
Crystal Kegel Egg: Vaginal Exercise
Tool?
ILANA
Ever since you told me about
Dreadlock-Larry refusing to see you
again on account of your shy
butthole I figured we might as well
tighten up your front hole that way
guys will stop wanting to migrate
south on you and ultimately leaving
you. Alone. And empty.
20.
ABBI
Okay first off, just because I
think my poop shoot is a one way
street doesn't mean I have a shy
butthole, and secondly Im feeling
slightly creeped out by the nature
of this gift -- but, thanks -- I
suppose.
BEVERS
What did you get me?
ILANA
Oh, well. Bevers, youre not in my
life as a sexual being, you know?
Your sexual needs arent the first
sexual needs I think of when
prompted with a sex toy ordering
catalogue. Now, had we gone to a
party where you can buy gym shorts
and ranch-flavored junk food, I
definitely wouldve pulled through
for you, bro.
BEVERS
I see.
ABBI
Here Bevers, you can have this body
oil.
She tosses a bottle to Bevers-
BEVERS
Ooh, 100% natural botanical blend!
He exits to his bedroom, oil in hand.
Ilana turns to Lincoln, who is still inspecting The Python-
ILANA
Now, I know it seems like a
novelty, but Ive made a mental
checklist of ways we can really put
this baby to use. Well need a
ceiling fan, bungee chords and at
least a handful of seedless red
grapes.
ABBI
Ew, what?
21.
ILANA
Youre right.
(TO LINCOLN)
Make it two handfuls. Were going
to need our stamina.
Abbi gets up from the floor, heads toward her room.
ABBI
You guys do what you want. Im
passing out.
Ilana tosses Abbi her Kegel Egg-
ILANA
Dont forget your new best friend.
ABBI
I dont know, Ilana. I dont really
feel like putting anything inside
of me tonight, you know?
ILANA
Your vaginal wall will thank you!
ABBI
I highly doubt that!
She leaves. Ilana takes The Python from Lincolns hands and
they begin making out on the couch-
Lincoln takes The Python and sets it back down on the coffee
table. Ilana picks it back up. Lincoln takes it and returns
it to the coffee table.
Ilana picks it back up, Lincoln sets it down. Ilana picks it
back up, Lincoln sets it back down.
They stop kissing-
LINCOLN
Ilana, look. Im cool with this
whole friends-with-benefits thing
and I really enjoy your adventurous
charisma in the bedroom, but this
might be too much.
ILANA
What? I thought youd love it.
She slides the dildo across his face, he bats it away.
22.
LINCOLN
No! No, I do not love it. I guess I
just prefer to be the biggest dick
in the bed. I actually prefer to be
the only dick in the bed, if were
being honest.
ILANA
Whatever you want, dude. One big,
black dick is enough for me.
She tosses The Python. A CHIME, Ilana checks her phone-
ILANA (CONTD)
Its Abbi.
ON THE SCREEN: LADY EMERGENCY. GET. IN. HERE. NOW!
ILANA (CONTD)
Uh, Ill be right back.
ABBIS ROOM
Ilana enters to find half-naked Abbi squatting on her bed-
ILANA
Dude!
ABBI
Its not coming out!
ILANA
Whats not coming out?
ABBI
The cast of Glee! What the hell do
you think I mean? The egg!
(BEAT)
ITS STUCK!
Another CRACK of lightning.
ILANA
This is some weird weather weve
been having.
ABBI
Shut up, just help me!
ILANA
Right, right, right.
23.
INT. ABBIS ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Abbi has taken to lying on her back, both of her legs propped
up as though shes minutes away from giving birth.
Ilanas playing doctor-
ILANA
Oh holy shit, dude! I see it!
ABBI
Just get it out of me!
She WAILS in pain-
Lincoln enters-
LINCOLN
Yall cant be screaming like this.
Its four oclock in the morning.
You gotta be considerate of your
neighbors.
(BEAT)
Whoa. Abbi, are you having a baby
right now?
ILANA
You gotta give me a big push, Ab!
LINCOLN
Oh my god, Lincoln. Please, please
get out.
ILANA
Hes a medical professional!
ABBI
Hes a dentist!
She SCREAMS again-
ILANA
(TO LINCOLN)
Its stuck.
(TO ABBI)
Hes not going to look, Abbi. Hes
just here for moral support. No
woman should have to go through
this alone. Havent you ever seen
Where the Heart Is? Natalie Portman
gave birth in a Costco, dude! You
got this!
24.
ABBI
You guys know, Im not really
having a baby right now, right?
ILANA
Do it for Natalie!
(BEAT)
Okay, weve gotta head!
ABBI
What?
Another WAIL-
Beavers enters this time. Hes panicked, hes nearly naked,
hes covered in oil-
SLO-MO
BEVERS
Whats going on?
He starts to slip on some oil-
BEVERS (CONTD)
Whoa-
His foot catches The Python, throwing him into a slippery
free-fall.
Bevers SCREAMS, Abbi SCREAMS - Bevers lands directly onto
Abbi. With a very unnatural POP the egg SHOOTS out of Abbi
Nailing Ilana right in the skull.
ABBI
(SIGH OF RELIEF)
Oh thank god.
Ilana goes down hard landing next to Bevers who has wound up
in a oil slick next to the bed.
Everybody MOANS in pain, save for Lincoln-
LINCOLN
You know, Im not really one for
saying I told you so
(BEAT)
But, I did. Tell you guys so. I
told all of you so. Now look at
you.
ILANA (O.S.)
I might concussion have. Tomato
soup dreidel...
25.
TAG
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING
Abbi is packing up the sex toys back into their original
package. On a Post-it she has written ONLY USED ONCE. Signed,
UNSATISFIED CUSTOMER.
She places the Post-It onto the egg.
Abbis video chat RINGTONE - she grabs her laptop, answers.
Its Ilana.
INT. ILANAS APARTMENT
Ilanas wearing only a towel, has an ace bandage wrapped
around her head where the egg hit her, and is cradling her
bong.
INTERCUT BETWEEN
ABBI
What up?
ILANA
Dude! Apparently, I have health
insurance!
ABBI
Wow, congratulations. Hows the
head?
ILANA
Good as new, my friend.
She CLICK her tongue and knocks on the wound, GRIMACES in
pain-
ABBI
Yeah, I wouldnt touch that.
ILANA
No worries. I got all the pain
killers I could need.
She displays her bong-
ILANA (CONTD)
What are you doing?
Abbi shows the box-
26.
ABBI
Im sending these booby traps back
to where they came from.
ILANA
(GIGGLING)
Boobies.
(BEAT)
Good riddance, dude! Lincoln was
right. We are adults. We do not
play with toys.
ABBI
Right.
ILANA
We play with each other!
She shakes her chest for the camera.
ABBI
Okay.
ILANA
So, I was thinking. I did you a
major solid by not only thinking of
you and your vaginal health by
getting you the egg in the first
place, but also by helping you get
it out when it got stuck and then
also by taking a huge one for the
team by literally allowing you to
shoot said egg from your lady
tunnel directly into my skull
leaving me concuss.
(GASP FOR AIR)
Sooooo, I need a favor from you
now.
ABBI
Fine, what is it?
Ilana drops her towel revealing her breast-
ILANA
Hows my nip to areola ratio?
ABBI
Oh my God, Ilana!
FADE TO BLACK.
27.