Sarah Hatch

COMM 2110-001
Relational Change Project Final Report
Date: November 22, 2014
This paper describes my attempts and lessons from my personal change project. My goal was to
change some unwanted communication habits while listening that have been hurting my
interpersonal relationships. I have applied several strategies from the text that included focusing
on what the speaker is saying, using empathic listening skills and being other-oriented, and not
using overemotional reactions.
During this project I have become more aware of how I communicate especially through
listening. This paper describes my thoughts compared to how it really is. It also has taught me
about how and what I communicate to someone else can affect them and how they feel when
theyre around me and talking with me.
Unwanted Communication Pattern
I have a habit of trying to give the other person advice when I want to help them with what they
are trying to talk to me about. I want to change this habit because it can be confusing for the
other person especially when they dont want advice even though I think that they would
appreciate the advice. I also sometimes judge the person, sometimes in midsentence, and tell
them what they are doing wrong or right in their situation. This can cause a few problems
because I am not the one that is right all of the time and I can be wrong given they have a
different perspective. In these situations I am not actively listening to the communicator or even
considering their point of view before I fully understand them.
Here are two examples:
One situation happened when I was talking with my mom. I was running out the door to go to
class when she started calling my name on my way out. She usually does this a lot when she
wants to plan things with me and know my schedule for the day. Annoyed as I was, she wanted
to talk to me but I told her I couldnt talk because I had to go to class. She continued to talk to
me and I didnt want to listen to her and just said Mom youre going to have to catch me a
different time. Later that day did I realize she wanted to give me breakfast and tell me she
needed help with something after I went to school that I had promised her I would do earlier that
we had planned together. If I wouldve listened to her, I would have avoided the argument after
school and the fault towards me that it wasnt completed and it was too late. My mom had only
guessed that I had listened to everything that she had said.

The second situation happened about 3 months ago. I was talking with my friend Erin about a
problem or two that she was struggling with in her life. She started talking about her husband and
what she has had to put up with lately. Not thinking, I started to tell her that men just do those
things all of the time and gave her suggestions and interrupting her conversation with me. She
became frustrated with me, and also told me I was not being understanding towards what she
was telling me. I was confused after she told me that a second time that I didnt know what I was
talking about and didnt think I was seeing her point of view. I became frustrated because I
thought I had been helpful towards her giving her all kinds of advice about men that Ive had
experience with. We both just kind of brushed it aside and went and bought ice cream.
In both of these experiences, I had no idea of what being a proactive listener is and how
sometimes our point of view can affect the other person we are communicating with, especially
when we think we are right. In the first situation my ineffective listening made it so it seemed
like I did not care about my mom or respect her. In the second situation my ineffective listening
made it so that it looked like I could not relate to my sister or help her with her needs. In both of
these situations I had, I recognized the importance of effective listening and that I couldve had
better results or outcomes from my communication.
Strategies
When deciding that I wanted to change these habits of ineffective communication, I found the
following strategies to implement in my daily conversations of communication. I hoped to have
better feelings and impressions left with them. I desired to have a better and stronger relationship
with my family and friends because there seems to be a negative feeling when they would talk to
me, and I want to have a positive and happy impression instead of a negative one.
The first strategy I felt that would help me to overcome these habits is to focus on what they are
saying instead by using Active Listening skills to better understand the other person (Beebe,
2014, p.137-138). Instead of being distracted by other things I need to be physically and mentally
engaged in the conversation. This will help the listener to know that I am listening to them. Also,
I will try not to use overemotional reactions such as raising my voice in anger or sarcasm, or
carefully showing negative emotions. (Beebe, 2014, p. 136) These strategies are important
because it will help me to let the other person know how the message is affecting me. It will also
confirm to them that I understand what they are saying to me. With this change, it will help me
because then it can avoid some confusion or dissolve negative feelings I may have towards my
mom when she talks to me. If I had shown my mother in my face that I was listening to her then
she wouldnt have assumed or guessed that I was listening to her and understood everything I
had heard.
Second, I would like to study the listening styles to better understand how I, myself, and others
listen to effectively communicate (Beebe, 2014, p. 123-125) When I am aware of the listening

styles, I can know how they listen so I can know if they are listening to me as well. I can also
adapt it as one of my listening styles so that we can both sync together and understand each
other.
Third, I want to practice using empathic listening skills to better understand the other person
(Beebe, 2014, p. 134-137). Beebe (2014) outlines several factors involved in empathic listening:
1. Imagine what your partner is thinking (p. 135). This will paint a picture of what they
are telling me and will bring emotions that I have maybe felt before that they are feeling.
2. Think about how you would react (p. 136). Although I could react differently than
they would, it would help me to remain calmer, and not judge them so quickly to think
before I act to whatever we are talking about.
3. Reflect on what you know about the other person and consider how most people would
react (p. 136) Thinking about this could help me to warn myself of any behaviors they
have shown in the past and predict future ones. Also, predictions depending upon their
race or cultural norms could come into play with realization.
4. Listening Compassionately. (p.137) This strategy will help me to be open and
nonjudgmental to what they have to say to me so I can be more empathetic.
And lastly, I will try and be other-oriented to effectively understand and be interested in
what the other person is saying (Beebe, 2014, p. 130-131). By being other-oriented, I can
avoid thinking about myself and my feelings but focus on them as a whole with interest.
These strategies will help me to become a better listener because it will help me focus on
them instead of having the attention solely upon me. These strategies will help me break
these awful habits of mine because it will help me to be focused on the person and what
they are saying without any background noise from my life or at the moment instead of
interrupting them or pass judgment. It will help me accept them for who they are instead
of what they could be. It will also eliminate assumptions made by the listener or the
talker. For example, instead of thinking I am right, I can clarify their emotions and
feelings by listening instead of assuming.
Constraints
I ran into quite a few constraints that made my changes challenging as I attempted to
change some of these bad habits in communication. The factor that I recognized the most
was how we are taught in society about listening, or to say, the habits of listening.

I found that most people dont know the definition of listening. All they thought listening was is
hearing what someone says to you. I find that shocking because they can definitely tell from nonverbal behavior if someone is listening to you or not. It didnt occur to them that part of listening
is non-verbal behavior, and actually feeling what the other person is saying, etc. I had a hard time
myself keeping up with these habits trying to adapt from my new knowledge about listening.
When someone asked me if I was listening to them, I would let human nature take over and lie to
them. Then they would notice my lies because my non-verbal behavior would tell them the truth.
Another constraint or barrier I found hard to control was kind of mentioned earlier, human
nature. A lot of people have pride and dont know it. And when someone points it out to you, it
thickens and then you start not listening again and get angry. Pride is a bad quality and I am
happy I notice it especially when a conversation has gone wrong.
I dont think many people are used to being listened to, which leads to another factor I found
hard to accept. It started when I was trying to empathize with someone about their feelings and
they would suddenly get defensive or close up because they werent used to being listened
intently to. I realize I do this a lot, which makes it hard for me to communicate as well. I realize
that communication may never be perfect no matter how hard either side tries to be in tune with
the other.
Implementation
As I had mentioned above, it is hard to have perfect communication. This fact is challenging
because feelings could be hurt so sometimes we need to give up our own feelings to be
understood and focus on understanding the other person so that they can be understood. In
Stephen Coveys book entitled The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, it teaches about a
habit to Seek first to understand, then to be understood. I think this can be applied to any type
of listening strategy to implement in your daily communication skills.
As I tried to change my behaviors of listening to adapt to the new strategies mentioned earlier, I
tried to do some at the same time, which didnt go well. I learned quickly that changing takes
time. I have also learned that listening is hard to do especially when you dont want to listen. It is
also hard when the other person you are communicating with doesnt want to listen either.
Trying to change myself was hard enough as it is. I feel positive about my many successes, but I
know I have a long way to go to become a better listener. Although I have failed at times, there
are successes I am proud of. Here are a few examples:
A specific instance was about a few weeks after starting the experiment. I was talking with my
brother and he was talking about sports. I had attempted to use empathic listening, and realized I
was being other oriented as well. Although I hate sports, I listened anyway by showing attention

and having eye contact and tried to be positive.(Beebe, 2014, p.130-131) I also took into
consideration that I wanted to improve this relationship. There were a lot of distractions due to
being at a party and people were interrupting. However, I still showed interest in him by
engaging myself while conversing with him. (Beebe, 2014, p. 137-138) He gave me this big
warm hug I didnt expect from him and expressed gratitude for showing interest even though he
knew I didnt like sports.
Another instance was when I was having a hard day. This is an example of excellent listening
skills on both sides. I called my friend Cazador to vent to him. He actually came to my house and
listened to me vent. After what he thought was an end to my venting session, he started talking
about everything I had told him and started giving me advice. I tried to stop him from talking,
but he just kept on talking with firm eye contact. He looked away when I did, which made me
want to listen even more. So I decided to use active listening and to not use overemotional
reactions as well as finding fault and interrupting with my own opinion. (Beebe, 2014, p. 136138) He was so good at it he was really engaging with me in conversation and knew I was
listening. I knew he was listening to me too because I could tell in his eyes that he was observing
my body language and would say something that he observed that would answer a question I had
without really asking it. I have never had an experience like this before with someone. I am glad
I just kept listening and not saying anything because I proved to myself by doing so that no
matter how hard it may be, there are the rewards.
Results
As I implemented the strategies outlined above, I experienced a few disappointments and a lot of
positive interactions with those I love. When I was disappointed, I tried to focus on one strategy
at a time to help me not get so excited about changing myself to get a successful result. This
made it easier for me to have more happy results instead of negative ones. Also, when I focused
more on the other person instead of my needs, they usually would see my needs and my attention
more than they saw theirs, ironically enough. The magic of communication works! The changes I
have showed made it easier to avoid many negative experiences that I couldve had if I hadnt
even tried at all to have positive ones.
I have learned to be aware of my habits and new strategies to adapt while listening. Focusing on
one habit of listening led me to recognize more positive and negative ones in the future to
implement and work on. Although I was not able to perfect all of my goals in listening while
communicating, I have come to the realization that there are still chances to improve every day.
Recommendations
I have really enjoyed learning about stretching myself and my limitations to become a more
efficient communicator and listener. I have been both challenged and successful in this
experiment. I plan to continue to focus on improving these strategies while adapting to new ones
as I continue to learn how to effectively communicate. I will keep in mind my emotions can have
a positive or negative impact on the relationship and to not let emotions overrule my challenges.

One strategy I would like to adapt into my life is to use self talk. After learning about this
concept in class, I tried it out a few times without realizing it and it has helped me when I wanted
to get overemotional. Using self talk helps you to manage your emotions before doing something
you might regret. Beebe explains that thoughts are directly linked to feelings, and the messages
we tell ourselves play a major role in how we feel and respond to others. It continues to explain
what Eleanor Roosevelt said when saying that No one can make you feel inferior without your
consent. (Beebe, 2014, p. 245) This is a strategy I believe will help calm myself especially
when I get anxiety over conflicting messages with communication. I should become less
emotional in certain situations and think more clearly. I hope that as I strive to become better
than I will change in a more positive way as I have these past few weeks.
Works Cited
Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond. (2014). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others, 7th Ed.
Boston: Pearson Educaiton/ Allyn & Bacon.