Hey there!

My name is Steven Lansing and I am the leading historian of the McDonalds

fast food chain. Many other historians tell of two men who founded McDonalds because they
cooked some good hamburgers. Well Im here to blow that dumb myth out of the water. I am
here to bring to light the truth, and nothing but the truth. You might be wondering how I know
all this. There is a very simple answer to that question. I , Steven Lansing, had a dream that told
me the true story! So, here goes the tale of how the McDonalds franchise came to be, and how it
has dominated the wills of the obese since the dawn of time.
We begin on a cool autumn morning in the kingdom of appetence, an unruly kingdom
that is ruled by one of the fiercest monarchs known to man, the all mighty and powerful King
Daft. Ronald McDonald, you are hereby placed under arrest for witchcraft. This is the most
terrible crime that can be committed in our kingdom. This crime is punishable by death. You
must go before the great and genius king Daft where he will decide your final punishment. The
absolute law in all of the land, the kings police force put out all crime against the king with a
cold, iron fist. Their sleek, black uniforms helped them to stay hidden in the shadows. They were
always watching.
Ronald could feel his makeup smearing around his face. His collar became unusually
tight. His suit usually felt tight anyways, since the king liked to watch his jester be
uncomfortable. The king got quite a thrill from it. By the time they had made it to the palace the
citizens had amassed by the thousands to protest the beloved jesters arrest. These citizens, called
corpulents, represented a large part of society. Their word carried weight when they were upset
about something. King daft was definitely not a genius, but he knew enough about being a king
to know that you have to keep your people happy. Whenever they wanted something he made
sure they got whatever they wished. This time however, it all seemed different.

The great king meandered slowly out of the great people. He acted as if he wasnt even
aware of the current situation at hand. His plump figure was a site to behold in the womans lace
ball gown he was wearing. He finally tip-toed up to the podium, his six inch heels clicked all the
way up the stairs. He paused for a moment because he had forgotten what he was going to say.
After a few minutes, he had finally remembered what he had come there for. Youuh people
should not be such meanies. Iuhmm have strong reason tothink that Ronald McDonald, the
idiot who stands before us today is a witch! He has put all yous under a spell. My very own jester
has done this to us! The food he cooks you bends your uhmuhwills! It makes you become
in love with the food. Dont you peopleuhmsee the problem?! We are a slave to him, its
witchcraft! This is punishable by death! So Ronald McDonald must DIE!!!!
At this the corpulants were furious. WE LOVE RONALD! They chanted. These chants
continued only for a short time as they had already run out of breathe. But their chants had
terrified the king. D-d-dont yell at me! Stop being so mean! I will change my verdict right after
I change my pants. Said the king.. So the king did change is verdict, and yes his pants too. But
he had a trick up his sleeve. The kind placed Ronald as his private chef, instead of killing him.
This made it so McDonald could no longer sneak food to the corpulants. Instead, he could only
cook for the genius king. He no longer influenced the great number of people he did before. Now
he influences the most important person of them all. Ronald fed the king twelve meals a day. The
king became very addicted to Ronalds magic. He never stopped eating. All day long he stuffed
Big Macs and french-fries and mounds of grease into his mouth along with a diet coke. He felt as
if he needed to watch his weight. This happened for many months before the great King Daft
died of a heart attack. When the corpulants became aware of his death, they rescued Ronald from

the castle immediately. He became the supreme ruler of all the land. He forever had a firm grip
of all the corpulent people. But they did not care, as long as they could stuff their faces.
This is how the Ronald McDonald came to be. I told you I would use the truth, I firmly
believe this is the truth. As a matter of fact, there are still many descendants of the first
corpulants that McDonald still has control of. They still dont care. YOLO. McDonalds food is
just too good! It has the hearts of everybody.