ENG 120 MWA 1 Revision

December 7, 2014
Dear Reader,
The following is a major revision of the first Major Writing Assignment (MWA #1)
assigned to Ms. Larsens English 120 class at the University of New Mexico. The prompt for the
original assignment was as follows: Imagine that your employer wants to participate in the ALS
Ice Bucket Challenge to also bring good press to the company. You have been asked by your
employer to review and create a rhetorical analysis of a particularly popular video of the ALS Ice
Bucket Challengethe rhetorical analysis will work to inform your supervisor about the
rhetorical strategies used in making the video popular. The purpose of the assignment was to
perform a rhetorical analysis that summarizes the genre of this type of communication and
informs your supervisor about the intent, audience, style, and rhetorical strategies used to create
a popular video and communicate findings through a memo format. The original analysis
received positive feedback, but of course, there is always room for improvement; hence the
revision.
Surface-level changes were the first to take place. I gave the supervisor a name, which I
failed to do the first time around. Several grammatical corrections needed to be made. For
example, in the original memo, in the paragraph addressing pathos, the definition of ALS said it
affected the spiral cord and not the spinal cord. An article was missing here and there, and a
few punctuation marks were changed. I made a few different word choices as well like where I
reference the water cycle. It went from do its thing to carry on, because it flows a little
better. I also removed clichd phrases like above and beyond. After correcting simple, surface
level errors, I focused on elaborating where possible.
The word revise means to alter something already written or printed, in order to make
corrections, improve, or update in light of seeing something again. Watching my chosen ALS
Ice Bucket Challenge video again several times, after not having seen it in a while considering
that the assignment was so long ago, allowed me to see something new that I hadnt previously
noticed. This led to me writing over five hundred words of elaboration on points I made in the
original memo. One of the main differences you may notice between this revision and the

original is the length. I provided a background on the ALS Ice Bucket challenge and the typical
steps. I devoted an entire paragraph to discussing the genre of the Ice Bucket Challenge Videos
as a whole. I even included an entirely new point: Bissonnettes video is effective even for those
who have no idea who he is. I looked deeper into the choices that Bissonnette made, like why he
did the challenge nearly naked, or why he used a particular phrase, and analyzed the impact that
his choices had on his viewers on a deeper level. The elaboration hopefully increases the readers
understanding of my analysis.
I only took a slightly different angle. Instead of revising the memo and pretending it was
still written in September, I rewrote it in the present time. Its now December, and I wrote it as
such. I stuck to my original conclusion that Bissonnettes video was beautifully done and should
be used as a good example, but I recommended doing the challenge anyway despite the fact that
it is now winter take advantage of the frigid temperatures.
Organizational differences werent too extensive. The paper follows the same order it
originally did. However, some paragraphs were combined to avoid repetition, some were
extended to provide more information. I inserted new information strategically, to increase
reader understanding of the points I was making. Finally, I changed the spacing of the memo.
Due to the elaboration, the revision is now two pages longer than before. So I changed the
spacing from singled spaced to 1.5 spaced so that the readers do not feel overwhelmed.
I hope that you, dear reader, notice significant changes between the first and second
versions of the memo, and that the 2nd meets your expectations or exceeds them. The goal of the
revision was to provide a more in depth analysis with a better flow, and I believe that I achieved
that. Enjoy.

Sincerely,

Ana McElroy