An emergence into the real Rutvi- Inquiring into self

What is it that I love the most in my life? I have struggled with this question for about
five years. I have always aimed for perfection. I aimed for the perfect skin,perfect eyes, perfect
lips and perfect fairness when I was a young girl. Then, as an adolescent I aimed for perfect
grades, perfect moods, perfect consistency in work and relationships, perfect meditation. In
short, I aimed for a perfect life in every respect.
There are a lot of pages in my personal reflection journal in which I have highlighted the
words rich,healthy,compassionate,warm,friendly,secure, positive,confident,intelligent,talented
and passionate.When I referred my journal today for this essay, I first decided to write all about
my spiritual experiences in meditation. However, I couldnt do it.
Why? I asked this question to myself.Suddenly, I got an answer that I had already left
behind those life experiences. My meditation and visualization, my confusing infatuation for a
teacher in my school, my search for a passionate field of study that would make me feel happy
every single day, my thirst for a balanced,passionate and happy life-these were the life
experiences and life questions that are still in my memory but subconciously, out of my life.
I underwent a lot of frustration during my last two years of high school. Academics, the
central goal of my life, became a bit challenging for me during these two years. But, the most
challenging process for me during these two years was to accept my life as it is. I have never
been fond of difficulties,uncertainties and transition. However, life sometimes contains the
mixture of all these three elements in definite proportion to happiness, certainty and stability.

In the last two years of my school, I wanted to be passionate about my academics but I
felt exhausted after every class, exam and assignment. I wanted to be perfectly loving and
caring to all the people around me at all times, but, I could not do so always. I wanted to always
have vigor and passion in my being but I had repeated periods of dispiritedness.
During these years, there was a very intense image that played on my mental screen
every morning when I sat down to meditate and visualise. In this image was a little girl with
desperate eyes. She would run behind me on the golden,glimmering sands of a beach as if
trying to stop me. I kept racing away from her until one day, when I was curious to know who
this girl was in my daily visualizations.
I frequently imagined myself freely dancing, laughing and becoming a child in my
meditation. I could connect these images with the image of the girl chasing me on the beach.
Did these images reflect my inner child, my deepest inner self,as psychologists call it?, I
thought. I am not sure about the answer to this question even today.
Connected to this question is an experience that I believe most of us have had at some
or the other point in our lives.When I look at my childhood photos, I am in complete awe. There
is a huge smile that crosses my face. I feel really happy. I am grasped by the photos and the
feelings I associate with them- the feelings of being a child, completely new to the world and
always ready to explore.
What is it that I learn in the cute baby girl Rutvi? This is the little Rutvi who is completely
vulnerable. Her vulnerability does not make her fearful. Her face beams with a spark of curiosity
and her eyes shine with complete freedom, the freedom that makes her be who she wants to

be. Her face is innocent. Although she is completely unaware of the world, she is curious to
explore. She is ready to make mistakes, cry upon them and then amend them. She is ready to
walk even though she falls multiple times.
As I grew up, this little Rutvi inside me lost her voice. I started chasing perfection in
every aspect of my life while the little girl inside me always wanted to be herself.So, every time
I tried to emulate someone, I would fail. This someone could be anyone from my parents to
teachers to a few good friends or people who were successful and famous in todays world.
Today, I really dont want to aim for perfection because there is no definition for
perfection.
Why do I love a squirrel sneaking up and down the trees across Clark campus? This is
because I dont know anything about the squirrel. She is a complete mystery for me.Why was I
so excited to study in the United States four years ago? This is because I had never been there
and I thought that such a study experience would change my life.
How can I judge whether my life has changed because I am in the United States? I have
changed from a dependent to an independent girl. I have become more confident. So, I can see
changes in my life only when I have gone through the two opposites of life. Happiness can be
appreciated only when sorrow has been experienced. Love can be felt only when hatred has
been deeply felt.

Therefore, my goal right now in life is to be open and accepting to uncertainty,changes

as well as hardships.I want to get over my usual anxiety of making mistakes when I attempt
something new. Most importantly, I am trying to accept and understand myself completely.
Now,I would love to share who I really am. I am Rutvi Nandani, a typical Indian at heart.
I love watching Indian TV serials because most of them highlight troubled relationships that end
up in love. In fact, I love movies because every movie starts with something uncertain and ends
with something certain. I wish I could see my lifes movie too, all at once.
I am a shy girl outside, but a warm hearted and friendly girl inside. I love making people
realise how good they are. People who help me or praise me even a bit get an emotional corner
in my heart quite quickly. I may not show them but, I really start expecting a lot from them.
I have a tendency to go beyond the physical realm of life. I take life philosophically.
Music drives me away from my concious realm. The movement of the trees, the beats of a song
have the capacity to create imageries in my mind.
I am a person of words. I love expressing myself through a lot of writing. In fact, writing
helps me express much more than talking does.
You might have noticed that I have talked a lot about meditation and mental imageries
in my essay. Now, I would like to share my experiences with the above practices in the form of
a scene.

Scene
I am wearing my night dress and sitting comfortably with legs crossed, hands folded in a
receptive position. The room is dark and music is on.My eyes have closed and in front of me are
beautiful imageries. In these beautiful imageries, I see white light (spiritual light of purity and
positivity) surrounding my whole being and then permeating my being.Sometimes, I notice my
subtle breath going in and coming out. I recognise this rare moment of awareness. At some
point, I experience an energy circle, a chakra moving on the top of my forehead between my
eyebrows. Its a continuous movement of energy and the more I focus on it, the more does the
vibrational energy increase.
The above scene was an aggregate of all the type of experiences I had when I meditated.
At a point of time, I tried to discover what is the perfect way to meditate but I never got
answers. Meditation is in fact the process that helped me observe ups and downs in my life
with equanimity. It showed me that I need to be detached from perfect or postive outcomes.
This is all about me. My life moves around understanding various experiences deeply.
My goals as I said, are to accept my life as it is, to accept myself as I am and finally to accept
people in my life as they are.This is a slow process where I am my own teacher and my own
critic. None of the academic courses I have taken so far are as interesting as Life with its
intrigues-Balance and acceptance. Now, I am ready to plunge into this huge ocean of learning
called Life.
[My personal essay has a lot of basic concepts of acceptance and spirituality. As I know
them quite well, I did not refer them from any sources.]

Name:Rutvi Sameer Nandani