GIRLS&ICHASE aR 3 N : Sa Pe Wau Mn Ta HOW TO NOT FALL IN LOVE FIRSTarenes rey ne Rae lu The 9 Male Identities and How They Affect You with What to Do When a Girl eal eas ald On Entitlement wes Do arn naan elk to A ae : é Sane Co) mtaem\Velaia ven aot] eran Need | ea on: oC Macaca Fe neers Women re Does She ven 15 ae Ta oe emma How to Not Fall in Love of Woman-Speak Too Soon How to eiSSer— 1c) with Girls in Social Circle How To Pick Up Girls The Success Factor Part IIAttracting LAY Ly Dating Younger CiteIn Part | of this series on dating younger women, we addressed some of the bigger questions on the subject: do younger women actually like older men; are older men who date younger women ‘dirty’; are younger women dating older men all gold diggers? Some of the conclusions we came to include these: * Age is nature's proving grounds for male mate quality: a younger male is selected on the merits of his promise and potential; an older male, meanwhile, is selected on the degree of his proven, achieved success. There's a huge difference between exceptional older men, and ordinaryolder men - the former being most or all of fit, healthy, confident, charismatic, high status, and financially well-off; the latter being none or few of these * Awoman’s mating preferences are: top - proven (exceptional) older man;middle - unproven but promising, younger man; bottom - unproven and unpromising younger man (creepy guy) and ordinary (unexceptional) older man (dirty old man) How to date younger women, that is. So, grab your walking canes, gentlemen, and let’s talk about the mechanics of meeting, too). dating, sleeping with, and having relationships with younger women when you're an older man (and a little bit about this if you're a younger man, * Because most older men fall into the “ordinary older men” paradigm (ordinary is the norm, after all), most older men are not especially attractive to younger women, thus the ‘dirty old man’ wrap that some people are quick to label older men interested in younger women with Most real-life older man / younger woman couples are actually two decent, normal, attractive people happy and comfortable with each other and reasonably proud of each other - not many are the rich guy / gold digger couples modern popular media seems so eager to paint them as While the previous article was about answering the higher level questions - what's with the pushback in the West against older men dating younger women? Do women find older men attractive or not? Why would a woman choose an older man when she could have a younger one? - in this article, we focus on the how-to. Oh, and if you haven't read it yet, do check out Part | here, as well: “Dating Younger Women: Does It Make You ‘Dirty’?” Onwards, then.WHAT YOUNGER GALS FIND ATTRACTIVE “OMG, he’s sooo sexy.” “Ew, gross... he could be my father.” The first comment is one I've heard made repeatedly about Sean Connery by teenage girls. Not 1960s James Bond Sean Connery, mind you, but present day in-his-80s Sean Connery. The second comment is one I've heard several times by teenage girls about amorous men in their 40s or 50s. What's the difference? Well, Connery’s a celebrity, of course. But this isn’t the only path to sexy-older- man-dom - in the last article, | related the tale of a 59-year-old Navy Captain who did just fine with young, pretty, vibrant 20-somethings. And I've known my fair share of men in their 40s and 50s who regularly picked up and slept with and dated women in their 20s - some of them have even been students. of mine I’ve watched firsthand pick up girls in nightclubs and meet women on streets; some are guys who post on the discussion boards right here on the site today.|’ve had girlfriends of mine - beautiful, educated, charismatic girlfriends in their 20s - tell me they'd take a seasoned, attractive older man over me. | had one remark - while watching a recent Harrison Ford movie, where the senior was at one point in mortal danger - that she wanted to jump into the movie, save Harrison Ford... then leave me there and bring him back out with her instead. | watched a gorgeous 28-year-old ex-girlfriend of mine with a killer body and a great career date her boss, a bald, portly Frenchman in his 50s who'd been divorced three times. | listened as another girlfriend, 26 at the time and with a strong career in finance, told me about the man in his 40s she'd doggedly chased down for a relationship until he’d turned her down, telling her she was too young for him. Clearly, at least SOME younger women like older men. But what do you have to do and who do you have to be to make that be YOU?The Older Man Template When most people think about older men dating younger women, | think they mostly either picture a suave, well-to-do man in a suit jacket with a social climbing young girlfriend, or some creepy, predatory older man with money to throw around dating an obnoxious gold digger. While these templates are no doubt based on paradigms that do occur in the world, | haven't met people who much fit these descriptions myself, and they're pretty poor stereo- types for older man / younger woman pairings in general. In the real world, the kinds of older men women find attractive are every bit as diverse as the kinds of younger men they do. Here are the types of older men I've seen various attractive younger women fall for: * The spunky, vivacious guy bursting with energy and enthusiasm (that Navy Captain | told you about) * Smooth, charming, sexy, and playfully flirtatious (Sean Connery fits this bill, as do some of the older men I've known who did well with women) * Manly, brooding, and darkly humorous (Harrison Ford goes here - this one’s harder to get initial attraction with sometimes, but once a girl gets to know a guy like this she becomes nuts about him; George Clooney's somewhere in the middle between this one and the smooth, charming, sexy, flirty guy) Naturally, different types of women go for these different types of men: The spunky guy gets more submissive women * The smooth guy gets smooth women, or sometimes brooding women The manly, brooding guy gets spunkier women + I'm certain there are other “tem- plates” out there | haven't seen - had | not known my old Navy Captain, for instance, | wouldn't have thought that “spunky” worked for an older guy (or even that there WERE spunky older guys, for that matter). The point is though, there is not a one-size-fits-all version of the sexy older man you must be. Instead, you have some options, no matter what your base personality may be.What the Science Says Let's get into a bit more research. From “Winners, Losers, and Choosers: A Field Investigation of Dating Initiation”, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in 1984 about video- dating (a pre-Internet dating service): “Two studies on interpersonal attraction were conducted at a commercial video- dating service. Profiles of members were rated on age, physical attractiveness, status, humor and warmth. In the first study, significant differences were found between popular and unpopular males, physically attractive males being more popular. Popular females were found to be younger and more attractive than unpopular females. The second study investigated the dating choices and rejections of twenty new members. Higher status and physical attractiveness were significant predictors of males being chosen by females, whereas the only significant predictor of females being chosen by males was physical attractiveness. Males tended to choose and reject younger women. and females tended to choose and reject older men. There was also a tendency for both sexes to choose targets of higher social desirability and reject targets of lower social desirability. We concluded that the male-older, female- younger norm and physical attractiveness are important factors in dating initiation strategies for both sexes, although females also rely on status.” Here it’s found that women select for (at least in video dating): * Looks * Status * Older men (though how much older is unspecified) Nothing earth-shatteringly new there. From “Partner preferences across the life span: Online dating by older adults”, in the June 2009 edition of Psychology and Aging:“Stereotypes of older adults as withdrawn or asexual fail to recognize that romantic relationships in later life are increasingly common. The authors analyzed 600 Internet personal ads from 4 age groups: 20-34, 40-54, 60-74, and 75+ years. Predictions from evolutionary theory held true in later life, when reproduction is no longer a concern. Across the life span, men sought physical attractiveness and offered status-related information more than women; women were more selective than men and sought status more than men. With age, men desired women increasingly younger than themselves, whereas women desired older men until ages 75 and over, when they sought men younger than themselves.” So here the conclusions relevant to us are: * Men offer status information more than women * Women seek men with status more than men do * Men seek increasingly younger women as they age * Women desire older men (though again, no age specificity here) Although | can tell you from skimming online dating profiles (what the study authors did here), while I've seen women with more limited preferred age spans, I've also seen plenty of women with 25- to 30-year age spans for men they're looking for (say, 25 to 50 or so) - it’s not that uncommon to come across. A more interesting finding from the July 2001 edition of Evolution and Human Behavior is “Age preferences for mates as related to gender, own age, and involvement level”, with the following findings: “The present study examined desired minimum and maximum ages for mates across five different levels of relationship involvement (marriage, serious relationship, falling in love, casual sex, and sexual fantasies) comparing individuals of 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 years old. Consistent with previous findings, women preferred partners of their own age, regardless of their own age and regardless of the level of relationship involvement. Men, on the other hand, regardless of their own age, desired mates for short-term mating and for sexual fantasies who were in their reproductive years. However, with regard to long-term mates, men preferred mates who, although younger than them, were sometimes above the age of maximum fertility. Explanations for these findings are discussed.”According to this research: « Women desire partners their own age * Men desire short-term partners of reproductive age * Men desire long-term partners their own age The bullet about women preferring partners their own age contrasts with the earlier research, and with what I've seen myself - this survey largely seems to be self-reported, so that might be down to the difference between what women Say they want vs. actual real-world preferences (something we'll talk about in just a bit when we talk about women being reputation conscious and worried about what people might think). The more interesting notes here are older men’s preferences for filings with and fantasies about reproductive-aged women, but for commitment they select women their own age. My guess would be a fling with an older woman doesn’t provide much reproductive value (i.e., she’s likely to be infertile), but when you want a companion around for the long haul, you probably want someone you're able to relate with and connect to as much as possible - and that’s probably someone with a similar level of life experience to you. Now here’s the most interesting chunk of research of all: from a 1985 edition ofThe Journal of Social Psychology comes “Ratings of Physical Attractiveness as a Function of Age”: “Holmes and Hatch (1938) theorized that physical attractiveness is related to erotic desirability and to biological superiority with the result that through selective breeding, the species, Homo sapiens, is improved. Elaborating this theory, Symons (1979) suggested that over the life span of a single individual, the correlation between physical attractiveness, erotic desirability, and biological superiority would ensure that the individual would have children only during periods of superior fitness. He also suggested that physical attractiveness is more important to males in selecting sex partners than it is to females. To test the theorizing of Holmes, Hatch, and Symons, it was hypothesized that following puberty a negative relationship would be found between an individual’s age and ratings of physical attractiveness by judges of the opposite sex. Furthermore, the relationship would be more negative for ratings of women by men than for ratings of men by women.The negative relationship was found for ratings of women made by American men (n = 40) but not ratings of men made by American women (n = 40).”So, the researchers went in hypothesizing that age leads to a decline in one’s physical attractiveness as one advances in years, and that this decline would be steeper for women than for men. What the researchers found was that, while the decline in physical attractiveness for women as rated by men existed, men’s physical attractiveness ratings as judged by women did not go down at all as they aged. Now isn’t that interesting. When | had a long-running debate before with a friend of mine about older men’s desirability to younger women, the crux of his argument was, “Women want young hot men, because older men are ancient and ugly.” Apparently though, women themselves. beg to differ. Silverback Theory In the previous article, | mentioned how the only men | really see as tough competition anymore when | encounter them vying for a woman’s affections are attractive, put-together, exceptional older men. When I’m up. against these men, | lose. I look un-suave by comparison. Doesn't matter how smooth, slow, or mature lam. A suave older man still has me beat. | don’t know if it’s life experience, or more years in seduction, or simply the magnetic appeal of a stand-out older man, but | don’t like having to compete against a guy like this, and when | roll with a guy like this, it’s one of the very few times the lead female of any pairs or groups we meet goes for someone else (him) instead of for me.Women are attracted to the guy in charge. And when you put a 30-year-old guy next to a 50-year-old guy, it isn’t the 30-year-old guy who strikes you as the one in charge. | think of this as being rather similar to how things function mating-wise for gorillas. You see a band of gorillas, and it’s a family group of females and children, led by one dominant male: a silverback. The silverback is a mature, older male. He’s big, he’s strong, and he’s sharp - he knows how to maintain control of his group and keep it his. If you didn’t know better, you might think a younger gorilla would be able to take his band away from him - the younger gorilla is more energetic, he’s hungrier, he’s youthful. You'd think he’d be able to take on a silverback and win. But he can’t. He loses when he tries. Humans aren't gorillas, of course. A male gorilla has a comparably slower path toward maturing into dominant silverback material than a male human does to reaching proper adulthood. The advantage age brings is not quite as extreme in man. But even in humans - from everything I've seen - there doesn’t really appear to be anything more attractive to a ‘woman than a stand-out, exceptional, attractive, high status older male. The silverback takes all comers, and wins. HOW TO DATE YOUNGER WOMEN The biggest part of dating younger women, of course, is the same as dating any kind of women: having your fundamentals tied down tight. That's things like: * Your fashion / hairstyle / facial hair / body * Your body language / nonverbal communication / facial expressions * Your sexy vibe / sexual tension / general sexiness * Your conversational ability / deep diving / emotional connecting Your ability to lead women / take the reins / handle logistics... basically, everything we talked about in “How to Attract Women: The Guide.” Those are all the things we teach you to do all over this site, in the of it already. to keep in mind. programshere, and on the discussion boards. If you've been reading this site, you've got 95% However, there are a few other considerations Pressure on Younger Women to Conform One of the key things standing in the older man’s way, when it comes to dating younger women? Status, reputation, and social pressure. Women - especially young women, frequently enmeshed with large, fluid groups of opinionated friends - are extremely status conscious, and retain reputation management as perhaps their foremost social priority. Make a girl potentially look bad, and you will be thrown under the bus faster than you can say, “What just happened?” ... EVEN if she liked you and found you attractive. Because there is a lot of public sentiment in the West regarding older men interested in younger women as ‘dirty’ right now, and younger women interested in older men as ‘gold diggers’, even though most younger women don’t actually hold these views, they will fear their friends will when being approached by an older man around their social circles. What ends up happening much of the time when a girl is approached by an older man while with her social circle in the West is this: * Older man approaches younger woman in front of her friends * Younger woman panics internally; thinks, “Oh no; what if my friends think I’m a gold digger, or into dirty old men?!” Younger woman rejects older man to ensure she maintains her social status; gossips to her friends: “Can you believe that? He's old enough to be my father!” This reinforces to the group that older men are ‘dirty’ and need to be rejected by any of the group’s members on said older men’s approaches The larger and more cohesive the girl group, the stronger this effect is.But much of it is group- based; the effect goes away rather fast when a group disbands or a girl stops associating with a tight-knit group of judg- mental (or imagined to be judgmental) friends. That is to say, if you meet an 18-year-old in high school with her group of 7 besties, even if you're attractive and she might otherwise like you, you're walking into a bear trap as an older man and will easily be eviscerated. Conversely, if you meet an 18-year-old in college when she’s just recently arrived and doesn’t know anyone yet and there are no suspected social repercussions for her actions (she is anonymous), and you're attractive and she likes you, there’s a good probability things go quite well. Therefore, if you’re an older man who likes younger women, avoid approaching large, cohesive groups whenever and wherever possible. If you're a younger man, your odds are a bit better... but you are STILL a lot more likely to get ‘thrown under the bus by a girl in a tight group than a girl you approach who is alone or with a sole friend. The rule of thumb for older and younger men alike, then, but especially older men, is this: approach girls by themselves or with but one friend as your preferred choices. The girl with 2+ friends in-tow is less and less likely to be receptive, because she’s too worried about her reputation and too uninterested in however attractive you actually would be to her in another situation. Of course, if you see a girl you really like, and won't have a chance to meet her in more favorable conditions, give it a shot anyway. The worst she can do is laugh you off... but she'd do that to anybody in that situation.Approaching Younger Women Goes without saying, but same as any other advice on this site - don’t bother making excuses for yourself, qualifying yourself, or anything - it just makes it weird. That means, don’t try to explain why you’re approaching her, as if she’s going to think, “Isn't this guy too old to be talking to me?!” Just act like it’s the most normal thing in the world, and she’s a lot more likely to follow your lead. Eventually, you'll get comfort- able enough with approaching younger women that it WILL be the most normal thing in the world. Sprezzatura becomes ever more important as you age - a young man chasing a woman around is bad; an older man chasing a woman around is worse. Obey the Law of Least Effort. It’s crucial to coming across as a stand-out older man rather than an ordinary or washed up one. Is there a specific type of opener to use with younger women? No, not really. As usually, situationally relevant openers will get you into more interactions, more smoothly, and provide an easy entry into indirect game, while direct openers are more polarizing, and will lead to strong. disapproval from some women and strong instant attraction from others. Worth noting here: women will use the, “Aren't you too old for me?” or, “Aren't | a little young for you?” excuse to reject you when you are older than them and they are younger than you and they are not interested. Don’t take this at face value, any more than you would a woman telling you that she has a boyfriend or isn’t really dating right now or what have you. It’s just an excuse. Women will pick the first excuse at hand to reject you with when they aren't interested... but the real reason for the rejection is that they simply aren't interested. They almost never actually know why they aren’t, though. I've several times seen younger women reject a man with an, “I’m a little too young for you, don’t you think?” excuse, only for them to later end up with a man older than the one they rejected (usually one more charming than the first). Don't take it to heart when you get the “you're too old for me” rejection; it just means you were doing general at- traction things wrong, not that you’ve crossed some age threshold whereby you are no longer attractive to any women of her age bracket anymore.Differences Between Older Guy and Younger Guy Game Depending on your age, you'll treat younger women a little bit differently. Generally speaking, younger Western women like being teased. They respond well to it. They enjoy having a man gently nudge them in the ribs and delicately pop their egos. Teasing properly is an easy way of showing a younger woman you aren't putting her on a pedestal. The great masses of younger and older alike men are guilty of this; and usually, both younger and older men need to tease somewhat to differentiate themselves from the kiss-ups and supplicaters. Regardless of your age, it’s important to keep this teasing light and not too personal. You don’t want to send her into auto-rejection; you just want to tease her enough that she says, “Oh, good... he can be normal around me and isn't going to be tip-toeing around because he thinks I’m young, hot, and amazing.” Also regardless of your age, you will show interest in her potential, asking her things about what she does with her time, what she'd like to do, why she does the things she does and not the things she would rather be doing, etc. - everything we talked about in those conversation articles (if you need more, see “Conversation Example” and “What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her”). However, when you're younger and talking about yourself, you'll want to allude a bit more to qualities that paint you as wild, rebellious, adventurous, and ambitious - travel, sports, martial arts, getting arrested, starting a business, etc. When you're older, you want to allude more to things that imply you've “made it.” Not showboating, mind you; not even explicitly stating what is so great about you. But just implying via your communication that you are comfortable living the life of someone who's long since achieved success, and that is what you're accustomed to. Here's an example: Her: ... and if I'm really lucky, someday I'd like to start my own dance school. You: That's fantastic. Dance is a beautiful form of art. Her: How about you? You: Oh, me? Well | actually helped a friend set up her dance school, get it running and off the ground... that was a long time ago though.Her: No, | mean, what do you do? You: Ah. Well, | travel, admire art, and try to sample every reasonably good restaurant in whatever city I’m spending a fair chunk of time in. I'm a bit of a foodie... sometimes | have to hit the gym pretty hard after a big meal to not end up with a beer belly. Your body doesn't bounce back as fast when you're my age as it does when you're younger, you know. Her: Oh. Well, what | meant was what do you do for work? You: | have a small company that does software implementations. Nothing terribly huge, but it’s enough for me to have my freedom. Her: That's so cool; | really want to have my own business. You: What’s stopping you? Her: Well |... You can't play the mysterious/ traveling unemployed adventurer card as an older man; once you're past 33 or 34 or so, | think you've pretty much got to be a business. owner (best), retired (second best, or maybe tied for best), or reasonably high up in whatever you do for work.You also must be very wary of being the older “adventure” traveler; a woman is excited to meet a young man traveling the world for the sake of adventure, but when she meets an older man who's traveling, he must have a purpose for being there. Which brings us to a core difference between younger and older men: younger men are expected to be in search of a purpose; older men are expected to have one. Everything about you, as an older man, must communicate purpose, certainty, and self-assuredness. You must know not just the what of the things you do, but the why. You're not in Eastern Europe because you're a sex tourist. You're there because you're opening up a new branch of your bank from back home in Switzerland. You're not in South America be- cause you love Latinas. You're there because you're researching for the Great American Novel you're writing, and your main character is an immigrant from Brazil. You're not in East Asia because you've heard Asian women adore Western men. You're there because a Korean company brought you in to spearhead their marketing advertisements and Britons have a reputation for well-run advertising campaigns. This doesn’t just extend to travel, either; it extends to everything. You can get away with anything you want as an older man - even those things most older men can't - if you have a good reason. You're in a nightclub? Surely you must be chasing after young women - another dirty old man. Unless it’s because you're there to entertain a business client who happens to love nightclubs... or it’s your buddy's bachelor party (for his second wedding)... or you’re old friends with the manager of the club and you wanted to pay him a visit. Or maybe you just spent a great deal of time in nightclubs as a youth and you still like to come by and have a drink now and again for old time’s sake. You're approaching women on the street during day game? Well, you were on your way to the office, and you just couldn't help it: she’s beautiful; you had to meet her.You quickly see how have” as a younger chasing around after important it is as an older man meeting younger pretty young girls like man to have a social life women, butit’sa must he’s 22 years old. The that’s structured around — have for older men suave older gentleman your professional meeting them. One of is only there because endeavors, or other the big differences his mission has taken core callings in life. between a dirty old man him there - and while and a suave older there, he’s just happened Having reasons for gentleman is that the to notice this beautiful things is a “nice to dirty old man is just girl. Notes on Dating Younger Women as a Younger Man Some of the younger readers on this site have asked about how to do better with younger women as a younger man, since many younger women seem to go for men at least a few years older than them. Others have remarked that they don’t even like younger women, and find them annoying or trite, preferring women older than themselves. In fact, depending on how old you are, even as aman you'll frequently tend to prefer women older than yourself, at least until your early twenties or so:“The tendency for women to prefer older partners, and for men to prefer younger partners, has frequently been explained in terms of socialization to American sex-role norms specifying that men must be older and more powerful than their female partners. However, recent cross- cultural data reveal this same pattern in all societies studied, a finding more in line with an evolutionary life-history model. The evolutionary model assumes that what is attractive to males is not youth, per se, but features related to fertility. This perspective leads to a hypothesis concerning the development of age preferences among adolescents: teenage males should violate the normative pattern shown in adult males and express interest in females older than themselves. 209 teenagers (103 males, 106 females) ranging in age from 12 to 19 were surveyed regarding the age limits they would find acceptable in a dating partner, as well as the age of a dating partner they would find ideally attractive.Although teenage males were willing to date girls slightly younger than themselves, they indicated a much wider range of acceptability above their own ages, and also reported that their ideally attractive partners would be several years older than themselves. Preferences of teenage females were similar in pattern to those of adult females, ranging, on average, from their own age to several years older. When combined with the consistent adult data obtained from numerous cultures, these data suggest the utility of viewing the development of sex differences in mate preference from the perspective of an evolutionary life-history model.” That's from “Adolescents' Age Preferences for Dating Partners: Support for an Evolutionary Model of Life-History Strategies”, a 2008 article in the journal Child Development. Both younger men and younger women prefer older partners, according to the study. Personally, | did better with women in their mid-20s and up until | was about 26 or 27... it wasn’t until then that | started consistently sleeping with women in their late teens and early 20s. We simply didn’t have much to talk about, and weren't really what one another was looking for. If you're a younger guy interacting with younger girls, be aware that younger women can seem jarring and hard-to-get because they don’t have the smoother, better-calibrated social responses that more experienced older women have... instead, younger women are rough around the edges. They will be:* Seemingly rude sometimes when they're just trying to tease or flirt with you * Looking aloof and disinterested because they're very focused on saving face * Complaining and objecting, even about things they may want to do * Trying to treat you like you're being weird even when you're not This is partly why some guys do better with younger women as they get more experienced with women - when you don’t know where the lines are because you're not socially experienced enough yet, it’s hard to know if her reaction is correct or off/fake. Once you know though, it’s easy to give a girl the skeptical look until she drops the act and goes along with you. Think of it like this: younger women are all talk and little walk (and often don’t know what they want), while older women don't talk as much but are a lot firmer and more straightforward in what they want and communicate (or don’t). With younger women, keep the conversation to a minimum, keep things moving, and do not brag. Bragging is bad with older women; it communicates a guy is insecure and needs to build his status up. But it does something much worse with younger women: it makes you unrelatable. Most of the things men brag about, younger women cannot relate to, because they haven't had those life experiences yet. All you do with bragging around younger women is alienate them and blow yourself out. Relationships with Younger Women Here’s one | don’t have quite as much information on, but I'll relate some anecdotal data. When | see older men take younger long-term girlfriends and brides, the cutoff age seems to be about 27 as the minimum. | noticed it when | was pretty young; all these rich older men would always be marrying 27-year-old women. “What's wrong with a 20-year-old?” | used to think as a teen. “If | was some rich old guy, that’s who *1* would marry! 27 is so old!” | think the reason for this is, again, relatability; a woman who’s a long-term relationship partner of yours is someone who's. going to be very close with you, someone you're go- ing to spend a lot of time with, someone who will influence you quite a bit, and someone you'll talk with more than almost anyone else.And the fact of the matter is, if you're an exceptional older guy who's trying to do things with his life, a 20-year-old kid just isn’t going to have a lot of perspective yet to be able to contribute a whole lot to your mission. I'm positive this is why older men might like sleeping with much younger women, but will usually select as their more permanent mates women who aren't quite the youngest they could get. It's because, as much fun as that 18-year-old with her tight body was... she just doesn’t have much to say when you want to tell her about how things are going with your business, and that complicated merger you just pulled off, and whoa, look what your competitor is doing, isn’t that crazy. Unless you want to be her second father in the rela- tionship (and | doubt you do), you'll almost certainly end up dating a woman in her mid- to late-20s or up when you're already somewhere in your 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond. It’s an Older Man’s Game, Too One final piece of research to strip you of any last remaining reservations you might've had about dating younger women as an older man. This one’s from Research on Aging, and it’s entitled “The Nature and Functions of Dating in Later Life.” Here’s the abstract: “Using the National Survey of Families and Households, logistic regression analyses were conducted to identify factors that are significant predictors of dating for persons aged 60 years and older. Stepwise regressions were also conducted to determine the effects of dating on the psychological well-being of older daters. The strongest predictor of the propensity to date in later life is gender, with men significantly more likely to engage in dating. A number of gender differences were noted as they relate to the likelihood of dating. In particular, age and social role involvement tend to influence older men’s likelihood of dating, while health and mobility were significantly associated with dating among older women.” Older men (60+, in this study) are significantly more likely than older women to be dating. Of course, if older men were dating older women, those numbers would have to be equal... but they aren’t.They’re dating younger women. A good chunk of them, anyway. Biggest influencers on older men’s, dating were age (realistically-speaking, a 60-year-old is probably more likely to be dating than an 80-year-old) and social role - another way of saying social status. That is, if you want to know which older men are most likely to be dating, just look at whether they're ordinary men with mid-level social status... or exceptional men with exceptional status. Younger women are there and available to you as an older man, if you want them, and if you’re willing to work on yourself hard enough to become what they want. So get out there and show those whippersnappers how it's done. -by Chase Amanteny A The 9 Male Identities and How They Affect You with WomenOne of the pieces | promised sometime back was a write-up on identities, and the role these play in your social interactions, seductions, dating, and relationships. Identity is a huge, important topic with vast implications for how you move through because it’s difficult to conceptualize, and more difficult still to nail down. Nevertheless, having a grasp of what your identity is today, and what you'd like it to be tomorrow, helps shine a little more light on the direction you're headed in socially, and being aware of the different allows you to accurately pinpoint where you might be going right with a given identity, and where you may be going wrong. So, join me on this journey through the looking glass, and let's examine the sometimes- strange and always society, but it isn't one that’s much talked about gradations of identity interesting topic of your social identity. Sim —_ Your identity is, plainly and simply, what you identify as and aspire to be, and what other people pinpoint you as. identifying as and aspiring to be, and what they stereotype you as. To best understand how important identity is, we must first understand stereotyping, and the role this plays in our social dynamics. Stereotyping is a powerful, dominating social influence that impacts you far more than you're probably aware it does. And if you aren't actively cultivating an identity that affords you stereotyping you can best use to your advantage, you may be subject to the whims of negative stereotyping based on less consciously-chosen identities - maybe even identities that, instead of you choosing for yourself, other people have chosenfor you. Stereotyping: The Social Amplification System ster*e*o*type n 1.A conventional, formulaic, and oversimplified conception, opinion, or image. 2.One that is regarded as embodying or conforming to a set image or type.Stereotyping is a mental shortcut used by all human beings to place new individuals they meet into neat little boxes for choosing how to deal with and behave around those individuals. A lot of people get upset about stereotyping, because stereotypes are often heavy-handed and inaccurate, and are sometimes based on very incorrect information - however, because they are a core mental shortcut, no amount of pouting and screaming is going to do anything about them. Even the people who rail against stereotypes themselves make ample use of stereotypes. Some common examples of stereotypes are: * Men are more violent than women * Women are cattier and more gossipy than men « White people are boring and good at making money * Black people are confident and aggressive but more prone to criminality * Asian people are all smart, quiet, passive nerds * Americans are dumb, fat, arrogant, and uncultured British are cultured, unattractive, and stiff * French are eloquent, attractive, snobbish, and picky * Latins are unscrupulously sensual individuals in constant search of pleasure ..and so on and so forth. Obviously, these stereotypes are nowhere nearuniversally accurate... in fact, many of them may be quite off the mark for a large portion of the people they aim to neatly wrap up and pack away in a box. But if they're so often wrong, why are they so damn pervasive? A simple look at your close friends, colleagues, family members, and paramours probably shows you (assuming you don't live in a totally homogenous community) plenty of exceptions to the usual stereotypes who don’t fit that rule - your friend of XYZ race who's nothing like the stereotype for that race; your ex-girlfriend from ABC country who has only the slightest resemblance to her country’s stereotype, and you really have to try hard to make that box fit. Yet, when you meet NEW people from XYZ race or ABC country, you stillstereotype them regardless. How come? The reason why is because your brain is constantly looking for ways to both keep you away from dangerous or unfruitful situations and to drive you toward helpful or fruitful ones. That's the reason for the unconscious reaction and stereotype Jesse Jackson, the prominent black rights activist, admitted to realizing he held some years back:“There is nothing more painful to me... than to walk down the street and hear footsteps and start thinking about robbery, then look around and see somebody white and feel relieved.” It isn’t that Jackson believes that all black people are dangerous. It’s that he believes he’s much safer walking through a bad part of town if he turns around and finds a random white per- son behind him than if he turns around and finds a random black person. The clincher is this: if Jesse Jackson turned around and saw someone he knew, it wouldn't matter if the person behind him was black or white. Be- cause he'd know this person, and he'd know he was in no danger. In fact, he’d be even happier to see an acquain- tance, black or white, than he would a random white stranger. Stereotyping is used almost entirely in our assessments of those we don't yet know, to help us decide on the fly how we need to respond to this person: Is this person potentially a physical danger - might he try to hurt us or rob us? Is this person potentially a social danger - will being seen with him hurt our reputations? Is this person potentially a social boon - will having him in our life make our lives better in some way? Might he, then, become a valuable ally? * Is this person a potential mate - is she someone we could take to bed and be happy with? Those are just a few things we're assessing on the fly about someone new we've just encountered, and while they're often wrong, the mind isn’t focused on precision - it’s focused on avoiding potentially very bad situations and embracing potentially very good ones. e.g., seeing an angry-looking guy walking toward you and being afraid of him and getting away is probably silly 9 times out of 10 - there may well be a good explanation why some random guy is walking in your direction looking angry most of the time (he wants to fight that person just in front of you; he’s just having a bad day, and is walking home; etc.), but 1 time out of 10 you get attacked for no reason, and maybe even killed. Conversely, seeing a beautiful woman looking excitedly in your direction, and going over to meet her, may in fact not lead to anything substantial a huge chunk of the time - maybe she was just staring off into space thinking good thoughts, or maybe it was actually your buddy whose attraction she was trying to attract. Yet, the chunk of time you take action and end up with her in your bed makes all the times you took action and got nothing largely irrelevant.Stereotyping is focused on maximizing opportunities and minimizing threats. How Do Stereotypes Affect Us? You're constantly stereotyping everyone you see - “He’s fat, so he must be lazy,” “She's got a tramp stamp, so she must be a slut,” “He's wearing glasses, so he must be smart,” “She’s dressed quite elegantly, so she must be a real lady” - based on any number of different little tells they give off. You may be right some of the time, or even much of the time, but you almost certainly aren't right all of the time. But your stereotypes are not what we're concerned with here (and if you want to get rid of the worst negative effects of these, read the article on actor-observer bias); rather, what we’re concerned with is how are others’ stereotypes of YOU affecting you? Because | can guarantee you, the effect on you is quite large, and it's almost certainly larger than you know. From “Automaticity of social behavior: Direct effects of trait construct and stereotype activation on action”, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 1996:“Previous research has shown that trait concepts and stereotypes become active automatically in the presence of relevant behavior or stereotyped- Sroup features. Through the use of the same priming procedures as in previous impression formation research, Experiment 1 showed that participants whose concept of rudeness was primed interrupted the experimenter more quickly and frequently than did participants primed with polite-related stimuli. In Experiment 2, participants for whom an elderly stereotype was primed walked more slowly down the hallway when leaving the experi- ment than did control participants, consistent with the content of that stereotype. In Experiment 3, participants for whom the African American stereotype was primed subliminally reacted with more hostility toa vexatious request of the experimenter. Implications of this automatic behavior priming effect for self-fulfilling prophecies are discussed, as is whether social behavior is necessarily mediated by conscious choice processes.” Restated: * People who felt viewed as rude behaved more rudely People who felt viewed as elderly walked more slowly People who felt viewed as “stereotypical African Americans” became more impatient and more aggressive in response to annoying questions In other words, how you feel people view you actually dictates, to some extent, your actions and behavior... even to the point of be- coming ruder or more impatient or walking more slowly down the hallway because you think you're old. From “A model of (often mixed) stereotype content: Competence and warmth respectively follow from perceived status and competition”, another Journal of Personality and Social Psychology paper, this one published in 2002: =“Stereotype research emphasizes systematic processes over seemingly arbitrary contents, but content also may prove systematic. On the basis of stereotypes’ intergroup functions, the stereotype content model hypothesizes that (1) 2 primary dimensions are competence and warmth, (2) frequent mixed clusters combine high warmth with low competence (paternalistic) or high competence with low warmth (envious), and (3) distinct emotions (pity, envy, admiration, contempt) differentiate the 4 competence-warmth combinations. Stereotypically, (4) status predicts high competence, and competition predicts low warmth. Nine varied samples rated gender, ethnicity, race, class, age, and disability out-groups. Contrary to antipathy models, 2 dimensions mattered, and many stereotypes were mixed, either pitying (low competence, high warmth subordinates) or envying (high competence, low warmth competitors). Stereotypically, status predicted competence, and competition predicted low warmth.” The net finding here was: * People viewed as high status (superiors) are perceived enviously as high in competence and low in warmth; conversely, * People viewed as low status (subordinates) are perceived with pity as low in competence and high in warmth For our purposes, we can extrapolate this to mean that if someone views you as low status relative to herself, the main problem you have is demonstrating to her that you “get it”, and are not some naive putz; alternately, if someone views you as high status relative to herself, the main problem you have is demonstrating that you are, in fact, a warm person, and not some holier-than-thou high roller who's out of her league. In other words, the research on stereotypes ties back quite nicely to what we talk about with attainability and auto- rejection. Pretty cool, right? And here’s one more study, this one on the difference between the stereotyping of boys and that of girls, published in the May 2010 volume of Sex Roles:“Eagly’s social role theory (Eagly and Steffen 1984) was tested examining children’s gender role stereotypes via implicit information processing and memory measures. We explored whether children’s occupational stereotypes were less restrictive for females who engaged in counterstereotypic occupations (Mary-Doctor) compared to males who engaged in counterstereotypic occupations (Henry-Nurse). Fifty-seven American eight- and nine-year-olds from a southwestern city were orally presented with stereotypic male and female names paired with masculine and feminine occupations and asked to create sentences using the name-occupation pairs. We conducted analyses of the created sentences as well as tested children’s memories for the various pairings. Consistent with social role theory, the findings revealed that children’s gender role stereotypes were more restrictive for males, than for females.” If you read the news media, you may be aware of the constant clarion call for Western women to throw off their restrictive gender roles (as well as for Western men to “man up” and... toe the party line for their own gender roles), but in fact it’s the boys, not the girls, with the more restrictive roles here. Now, | didn’t find any research that was quite as cut-and-dry as this research for boy and girl stereotypes, though there are some interesting papers if you want to read more here: + Patterns of Gender Role Conflict and Strain: Sexism and Fear of Femininity in Men's Lives: a discussion of the gender conflict in men's lives as a result of men’s fear of being stereotyped as feminine Gender Role Conflict and Depression in College Men: Evidence for Compounded Risk: a study found a higher risk of depression among men hewing closely to more traditional male gender roles Confirming Gender Stereotypes: A Social Role Perspective: a study finding that men in moments of high emotional vulnerability, men retreat to “safer” male gender roles, while women in moments of high emotional vulnerability make no effort to retreat to female gender roles Anyway, the point of all this is not to play “who's the bigger victim”; rather, it is to point out that men are every bit as “restricted” by their stereotypes than women are - more so, in fact. In other words, people stereotype men harder, and men get stuck deeper in their chosen identities... or, the ones chosen for them by others.Identity: Your Escape Hatch from Stereotypes There is, however, a way around all this stereotyping. Its something researchers from Indiana University refer to as an “escape hatch” - a way of pushing the eject button from a given stereotype- identity mix. That “escape hatch” is merely selecting a different identity to associate oneself with. From “Capitalizing on Multiple Social Identities to Prevent Stereotype Threat: The Moderating Role of Self-Esteem”, published in the February 2010 volume of the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin: “One troubling aspect of membership in a stigmatized group is that negative stereotypes about the group's performance affect one’s personal performance (i.e., stereotype threat). Women who are made aware of the negative stereotype that “women are bad at math” perform worse than women who are not made aware of this stereotype. However, women can use an “escape hatch” to avoid stereotype threat by identifying with another social identity (i.e., college students) that has positive stereotypes for math performance and having greater feelings of self-worth. This research shows that women who had greater self-esteem and were presented with an alternative, positive social identity were buffered from stereotype threat by eliminating working memory decrements responsible for poor math performance. Women lower in self- esteem, however, did not benefit from a positive, alternative social identity when it was available and thus fell prey to stereotype-based working memory and performance decrements.” The interesting thing to note here is that the women in the study who were low in self-esteem were unable to switch identities, and thus really were “stuck” in whatever stereotype others used to pigeonhole them with. High self-esteem women, conversely, were able to shut down negative stereotypes by switching to an identity with more positive stereotypes. On this site, we call this frame control, and it’s essentially down to how good you are at imposing your view of yourself, others, and the world on the people around you, versus how good they are at doing it to you. The more dominant individual tends to win here - Or, you might say, the individual who more strongly subscribes to his own view of the world, in which he makes the rules - the individual with the higher self-esteem. So, the bad news is, if you're low in self-esteem, you're probably not ina place yet where you'll be able to effectively switch identities and adopt strong positive stereotypes at will.The good news is though, if you’re high self-esteem, you very likely can - and even if you're lower in self-esteem, you can still chip away at them gradually and adopt enough of the traits and qualities of a separate identity that people begin to treat you that way and you begin to feel it and believe it yourself. at ee Before we get to what the 9 different identities are, | want to touch on three (3) different aspects of identity that impact your results with women, and just socially in general: *Gradation * Combination Vibe Gradation is where you fall status-wise in a given identity. For example, a wildly famous and well-liked rock star who's had a long and productive career would be near about the highest grade you're going to get for an artist; whereas, some guy just starting out playing music who can’t even cut achord on a guitar is sitting at the low end gradation-wise when it comes to artists. For our purposes, we'll re- fer to gradation as the “strength” of your identity - an identity with a higher grade is a stronger one. Combination is the combination of identities you hold - the more identities you hold of similar strengths, the harder it is to box you into any one identity (although, one very strong identity and a number of weaker ones will still find you get- ting stereotyped by the strong identity - e.g., if you're a tennis star but you also enjoy writing and have a small clothing label, you're still going to get viewed as an athlete, simply because your one very strong identity eclipses all the rest). There are both advantages and disadvantages to having, no clear #1 identity. Vibe is the general air about you above and beyond your identity, including things like: * Your sexual vibe * How smooth you are * Any edge you have * Your degree of warmth and humbleness * Adevil may care attitude * Anice guy attitude * Abad boy attitude * Ajerk attitude «and the like. Attitude has only a little to do with identity - while there are always some attitude expectations that go along with identity (e.g., an athlete identity comes with a certain expectation of “bad boy” or “jerk”; meanwhile, a regular guy identity carries a certain expectation of warmth, humility, and approachability), none of these are given - you can have a sexy rebel, and you can also have a very un-sexy, creepy one.So, don’t think that choosing a particular identity lets you off from having to maintain the right air about yourself - building the right vibe is every bit as key here too. The 9 Male Identities The 9 male identities we'll cover here - which all have innumerable sub-i dentities that we won't spend much time on (e.g., artist -> writer, painter, singer, actor, sculptor; athlete -> sports player, bodybuilder, runner, swimmer, mountain climber; etc.) - cover the full gamut of what you'll normally see socially. There are other identities we won't include here - holy man, crazy person, vagabond, male prostitute, etc. - but I'm assuming we don't have a whole lot of guys reading the site who'd fall into, or have much interest in falling into, one of these other groups. Our 9 identities, in no special order, are: 1. Rebel 2. Student 3. Tough 4. Regular Guy 5. Social Butterfly 6. Businessman 7. Intellectual 8. Athlete 9. Artist Let’s have a look at each one. Identity #1: The Rebel The rebel is most easily defined as. the guy who is “fighting the system.” He marches to the beat of a different drummer. He does things his own way. He doesn’t care about The Man - and The Man sure doesn’t care about him (he believes). The rebel holds a lot of contempt for anything remotely mainstream, and indeed, he positions himself precisely as everything that mainstream society is not. Some of the positives of the rebel identity are:* He’s cool * He’s independent * He's interesting, intriguing, and different * He’s not swayed by social pressure * He fits very easily into the bad boy mold * He usually exhibits a range of Byronic characteristics Some of the negatives of the rebel identity are: * He’s pessimistic * He’s an outsider * He’s sometimes looked down on by more socially plugged-in women * He has a harder time breaking into many social circles * Authority figures tend to like making life difficult for him A good way of thinking about the rebel’s strengths and weaknesses is that his strengths are the things he's picked up from operating independently on his own, while his weaknesses emerge any time he needs to use “The System” - that is, organized groups of other people with their own rules and routines he hasn't bothered to learn or adopt. Some of the more common variants of the rebel include: * Punks / goths / emos / hipsters * Solo inventors / mad scientists * Entrepreneurs * Hackers * Loners The rebel typically has an easier time sexualizing himself and being appealing to women than a variety of other male identities, mainly because he offers something - an escape from the mundane - that most of the other identities do not. Also, because he’s so used to operating “outside the system”, the rebel is one of the least likely identities to struggle with behaving in ways mainstream society tries telling him are “bad” - like sleeping with lots of girls and moving fast with them and not worrying a whole lot about committing to them unless he really, really likes them and wants to do this. Identity #2: The Student The student is anyone who’s in the process of learning something new. The easiest examples of students of course are those in their primary, secondary, or tertiary educations; however, you can be a 75-year-old martial arts or vocal student, as well. The student identity is one most typically of a certain degree of subservience and inelegance; you are there to do what your teachers tell you to do, and because you are not yet very learned, your performance and execution in any number of things is often sloppy and leaving something to be desired.Some of the positives of the student identity are:* He's actively upgrading himself * He's perceived as intelligent / curious * He’s someone with “potential” Some of the negatives of the student identity are: * He’s a follower, not a master * He’s a “bookworm’” - rather than doing something, he reads about it * He’s viewed as inexperienced and unworldly / unwise * He's rather boring and ordinary; unexceptional The student almost has a childlike identity, where people look favorably on him as someone who can do “anything”, someday... but he just isn’t there yet. Today, he must study; tomorrow, he can begin thinking about doing something with what he’s studied. Some of the more common variants of the student include: * School student * Specialty student (musical instrument, martial art, etc.) * Nerd (kind of a “super student”) Because of their childlike qualities, students can often be difficult to sexualize. Male students tend to struggle with trying to create a sexual, masculine identity, just as female students can really struggle to be taken seriously as fully grown, sexual, feminine creatures, and not just pupils. Nerds fall on the extreme end of the student identity - their grade is “strong” in student - and for this reason have an even more childlike air about themselves, and tend to be stereotyped as almost infantile in their behavior (temper tantrums, childlike fascination, dislike for or suspicion of girls - watch any “nerd” movie and you'll see these stereotypes). For this reason, even if you are a student in some way (and most of us are - heck, if nothing else, you're reading this website, which probably means you're a student of seduction and social dynamics), you’re best served adopting a different identity, at least for when it comes to meeting women. Identity #3: The Tough The tough is a fellow whose primary identity is as a hard ass. He’s aggressive, he’s imposing, and you do not want to get in his way... or on his bad side. He’s one not to be trifled with. Included in the tough identity are everyone from common criminals at the low end, to firemen, soldiers, and police offers at the nobler end. Some of the positives of the tough identity are:He’s high on perceived physical dominance - one of the key attraction signals He usually commands a fair bit of respect - even if some of it is grudging He frequently has a solid social circle of friends like him and women who like him His identity is usually very clear and very stable, because it’s so far removed from other identities Some of the negatives of the tough identity are: « Many women are more intimidated by him than attracted to him * His work is usually physically demanding and/or, and leaves him too exhausted or too busy much of the time to maintain solid long-term relationships * His proneness to violence, bravado, and taking things into his own hands frequently lead to run-ins with the authorities, legal problems, and sometimes jail time, in addition to fights with other toughs, unless he is one of the authorities (and sometimes even then) Because his identity is so clear, and his social circle so set, if he wants to switch to a different identity - say, student, or athlete - this can be quite difficult, and he can face a good deal of negative social pressure from those around him The tough is typically fine and does well enough with women so long as he sticks to “his” turf, what he’s familiar with, and what he knows. Toughs who. want to spread their wings and mingle with other crowds though can find this difficult, as most other types of people are cautious around their hard, aggressive demeanor and frequent inability to fit in with more “cultured” crowds. That said, well-dressed, more presentable toughs who've taken the time to cultivate a degree of some of the other male identities can still find a selection of women outside their usual circles that find them exciting, “dangerous” in an electrifying kind of way, and may even prefer them to the more boring, “less masculine” men those women are around the majority of the time. Some of the more common “disreputable” variants of the tough include: * Thug * Biker * Redneck * Drug dealer * Gang member Some of the more common “respectable” or “noble” variants of the tough include: * Some manual laborers * Fireman * Police officer * SoldierThe tough, like the rebel, has an easy association with edgy, masculine, bad boy qualities, and is one of the more easily sexualized identities. In fact, he’s a lot more likely to be viewed as mas- culine, aggressive, and dominant than either the rebel or the athlete is, and is probably the strongest of all the identities in these respects. On the downside, he's very frequently so strong in these areas that he becomes intimidating or unrelatable to most of the women outside of the circles he travels in; but so long as he sticks to the women who have a “thing” for guys like him, he'll usually have no problems whatsoever. Identity #4: The Regular Guy Ah, the poor regular guy. He goes about his life, just following the beaten path, not trying to cause any ripples or do anything too crazy, just like almost everybody else, but he just can't get no love. All the regular girls around him - and, just like most guys are regular guys, most girls are regular girls - want someother kind of guy... not him. The best way of describing the regular guy is “vanil- la” - he’s just bland. He's normal. He just... kinda there. No “passions”, no real drive, no motivation - he's not trying to change the world. He just wants to live a good enough life and not worry about all that pointless wall- climbing and barrier- breaking all those crazy people TV seems to glorify keep doing. Some of the positives of the regular guy identity are:* He’s very relatable * He’s not crazy or a misfit * He doesn’t have to worry about being judged as “too extreme” « He doesn't polarize women, so there are no women who really dislike him * Some of the negatives of the regular guy identity are: * He’s just like everybody else - he’s a dime a dozen * There’s not much about him that’s all that interesting to women * It's hard for him to meet new women because he won’t break social convention and cold approach, and his social circles usually tend to be quite limited « He doesn't polarize women, which means not only are there no women who really dislike him, but also that. there are no women who really like him, either The regular guy is the guy who's a student when he’s in school, and a regular guy once he’s out, and that’s pretty much all he ever is for his entire life. He frequently finds women frustrating, and is prone to being a nice guy and ending up in the friend zone, since it's hard for him to differentiate himself from other men and he ends up trying to compete by showing women how kind, thoughtful, and stable he is - things that 25 other men competing for the same women he’s competing for are competing with him on as well. Some common variants of the regular guy include: * Family man * Average Joe * Office workers and middle managers * The “down on his luck” guy on unemployment between jobs * Line workers and non-tough manual laborers The regular guy is probably the hardest of any of the identities to sexualize, outside of perhaps some sub-identities like the nerd. That’s because he just doesn’t have much going on ordinarily that lights up any of women’s sexual interest triggers. The good news for the regular guy is that because he really doesn’t have too strong of an identity, it’s usually pretty easy for him to begin adopting another identity - one that lends itself more readily to becoming sexually attractive to women, like the athlete, the artist, or the rebel. If he does this, the regular guy can often still maintain the things he already has in his life, while adding an entirely new dimension of good things. Identity #5: The Social Butterfly The social butterfly is a real connections guy. He’s always in good spirits, knows. a ton of different parties he can invite you to, and has dozens of people he wants you to meet. The social butterfly lives for people - meeting people, get- ting to know people, talking to people, entertaining people.Some of the positives of the social butterfly identity are: He’s friendly, social, and gregarious He’s optimistic, upbeat, and inspirational, with contagious energy He is always deeply plugged into the social circle, and is never an outsider He meets lots of new people, all the time... he’s never at a loss for new acquaintances Some of the negatives of the social butterfly identity are: * He’s often too busy networking to focus much on building very deep connections * He can have difficulty Zeroing in on one par- ticular person in social situations * People who aren't butterflies themselves often consider him shallow and trite * His social life is a revolving door... new people come in, but old people go out, too, or at least quickly move to positions of increas- ingly little prominence in his life You can most easily think of the social butterfly as “someone who needs to constantly be making new connections.” Connections for himself, and connections among the people he knows - little puts a smile on the social butterfly’s face more than connecting two people he knows whom he think will be a good fit. The person at the center of the majority of social circles is a social butterfly of some sort of another - he's just naturally a guy who likes bringing people together. Some of the more common variants of the social butterfly include: * Party host / emcee / promoter * Marketer / sales pro- fessional * Leader of the group or life of the party * “That guy” who loves talking to everyone and laughing and having a good time constantly The social butterfly is somewhere in the middle of the pack when it comes to how easily sexualized his image is... because he doesn’t zero in on people by default, it’s challenging for him to build the strong sexual tension that comes from an intensely focused gaze on and immersion in another person, and the identity of “social butterfly” itself inspires more friendly “gee, he’s a swell guy” feelings in women more than it does any burning, passionate, lusty desires. However, because the social butterfly is so socially experienced and so comfortable with people, it's often easy for him to adopt a more sexual identity to combine with his fluidity with other people that allows him to very easily rack up a number of lovers in a short span of time.Identity #6: The Businessman The businessman is all about work, efficiency, and production. He doesn’t care so much for social trifles, like the butterfly does, nor is he all that concerned with doing a lot of status jockeying or “proving himself” like the roughneck and the rebel, respectively. He also isn’t content living an ordinary life like the regular guy - the very idea sounds intrinsically boring to him. Instead, the businessman wants. success - usually defined as money - and he wants a lot of it. Some of the positives of the businessman identity are: He has a killer instinct that makes him good at seizing the things he wants He doesn't dilly-dally, and creates opportunities to move as efficiently as he can * He commands respect, mostly due to his effectiveness and no-nonsense demeanor He's down-to-Earth, blunt, usually honest, and straightforward He has a masculine aura about himself, and is generally regarded as powerful Some of the negatives of the businessman identity are: * He can be too boom-boom-boom, and scare off those who prefer a more relaxed pace He's often quick to write things off that aren’t panning out fast enough - sometimes leading to missed opportunities His lifestyle is generally one that’s more stressful than most of the other identities’ His relationships can be short-lived, due to his uncompromising and impatient nature He can be off-putting to more sensitive individuals who prefer more indirect communicationA good shortcut for wrapping your mind around the businessman identity is thinking of the businessman as a “let's make it happen” kind of guy. He’s fo- cused on concrete, tangible results, and sees everything else as a waste of time. This can make him less appreciative of some of the finer things of life, and he has a difficult time connecting with or maintaining relationships with people more interested in smelling the roses than in bulldozing them to put up a strip mall. Some of the more common variants of the businessman include: + Politician * Rising star (in business or politics) * Upper management / executive * Small business owner (non-lifestyle business) * General, admiral, or police chief * Flimflammer or conman The businessman is somewhat easily sexualized, due mainly to his masculinity and “take-no-prisoners” attitude. However, he’s normally very difficult to relate to for a large segment of the population, and his demeanor can screen out a number of women who might otherwise find him attractive, but instead find him overly terse and abrasive. If the businessman can adopt another attractive but more relatable identity in addition to his businessman identity - e.g., artist, athlete, etc. - he can take the edge off some of this harshness and lend himself the more “human” feel that’s lacking when he’s nothing but a results-oriented human steamroller. Identity #7: The Intellectual The intellectual lives in a world of the mind: ideas, philosophy, experiments, tactics, strategy, theories, hypotheses, arguments, and debates are his forte. The intellectual is a true “brains over brawn” type - he outmuscles the competition with thoughts and words more than fists and fury. At the top end, intellectuals command some of the most respected (and almost untouchable) positions in Western society. Some of the positives of the intellectual identity are: He's viewed as a leader / authority due to high perceived levels of competence His life is generally relatively stable, with stable career paths as a thought leader He carries a certain mystique that the other identities frequently lack He's one of the best of the identities at securing a “legacy” He's often “eccentric”, a close cousin of the rebel’s independence His otherworldly identity affords him much freedom from social pressureSome of the negatives of the intellectual identity are: * He can seem unrelatable to less- educated women He can have a difficult time breaking free from the stability he creates for himself His need for intellectual dominance often leads to falling outs with those who don't “toe the party line” he sets out for them intellectually He can be viewed as overly arrogant and haughty by some of those who do not share his love for ideas and the mind, and these may actively taunt, challenge, or work against him It's easy to think of the intellectual as a man who seeks to express his masculine dominance through the intellectual domination of others - he is right, and everyone else is wrong. Intellectuals establish their identities by winning academic “fights” and debates with challengers, using their ideas as the proof of their strength as men. Some of the more common variants of the intellectual include: * Teachers * Professors * Researchers * Academics * Nonfiction writers * Documentary makers * Movement leaders * Public speakers * Preachers The intellectual frequently finds himself having a not-so-difficult time being sexually appealing to a large chunk of women - typically who find his large degree of frame control and strong certainty about his purpose and the world to be very compelling and things that easily position him as an authority figure. Intellectuals very frequently find themselves in positions of leadership - whether commanding the public spotlight as a prominent thought leader, or commanding a group of unruly 6- year-olds as a kindergarten teacher. Because of this, they get very accustomed to telling others what to do, and very used tobeing challenged - and overcoming those challenges. If the intellectual really wants to up his results with women though, he'll take some time to cultivate another, more mundane identity - say, athlete, rebel, or even a touch of regular guy - to allow him to more easily relate to the population at large - and to those women who might ordinarily be intimidated by his normally towering (it seems to them) intellect.Identity #8: The Athlete The athlete, like the tough, relies on his brawn most of all, though unlike the tough, who uses his brawn in the wilds of day-to-day life, the athlete more typically channels his resources into excelling in the more rule-based and restricted realm of competitive sports. This actually makes him more approachable to a larger swath of wom- en than the tough is - he more closely fits the “safer”, rule-oriented life a regu- lar girl knows - though he sacrifices a degree of edge in order to get this (and you will often see many athletes trying to mimic tough behavior in order to try to attain some of the tough’s rawness - though they never quite get there). Some of the positives of the athlete identity are: * He's big, strong, and manly - things very attractive to women He’s physically dominant - another major attraction trigger He’s typically quite confident; espe- cially if he’s remained an athlete for a number of years, that’s probably be- cause he’s been enough of a winner to keep at it He’s used to working with and (often) commanding a team of similarly powerful, more dominant men, which makes dealing with most women fairly easy for him He offers a “bad boy experience” without the danger of a true tough or rebel Some of the negatives of the athlete identity are: * He's viewed as less intelligent, which can cause some women to write him off * He lacks the raw edge of a true tough and some rebels - his brawn is used only in constrained / artificial / hobby environments, rather than in the real world in dangerous situations as a way of daily life * He lacks the “pulling off impressive things with his mind” factor of the businessman, intellectual, and artist * He lacks the good-with-people persona of the social butterfly Essentially, you can think of the athlete as a one-trick pony; his trick is that he’s big and strong and reasonably successful at sports. This is both his blessing and his curse; there are a number of women who find him exciting for this, but often just for brief flings, and he will very often have a good deal of trouble holding onto women in rela- tionships. Some of the more common variants of the athlete include: * Bodybuilder * Sports player * Fighter / boxer / martial artist * Mountain climber * Swimmer * Runner * JockThe athlete usually has an easy time being sexually appealing to women; he has raw masculine sex appeal as a result of both his physique and his prowess at vanquishing other men or obstacles, as well as the show of discipline it takes to reach these heights. Where he’s lacking is in relationship staying power, and in consistently landing more educated / ambitious women; for these, he’s best served cultivating the businessman or intellectual side of his personality, which gives him a very strong one-two punch of brains and brawn. Identity #9: The Artist Rounding out our identities list is the artist, that creative soul who finds joy in bringing new works of beauty and profundity into the world. The artist holds an almost mythical status cultur- ally, as someone out there, magical, and sometimes all but driven by demons. Some of the positives of the artist identity are: * He’s creative - something that’s very closely tied with sexual attractiveness * He walks his own path and shrugs off social norms, like the rebel * He’s uncommon - women don’t meet artists every day * He’s intriguing; what is he creating? Why is he creating it? * He's seen as eccentric, and is able to get away with many things that would be seen as odd or incongruent for men with other identities - e.g., pull- ing women he's just met into unusual places for fast sex Some of the negatives of the artist identity are: * He’s something of a social dropout - some women are put off by his lack of “real world” credentials * His eccentricity can be a turn off to certain sections of women * He's often poor, with an unstable life, which can make long-term relationships more difficult* He can sometimes be dominated by toughs, businessmen, and other identities who consider his talents effete and “not worth doing” (though he may just slip the girl his number regardless when these men aren't looking) The artist is the dreamer of this bunch of identities. He’s an idealist, and longs for a “perfect” world where things are exactly as he thinks they should be. His art is an effort to render that world and merge the real world with the dream world, and for this reason he’s something of a captivating person - he's someone many women feel they can lose themselves into, caught up in his dreams and carried somewhere faraway and fantastic. Some of the more common variants of the artist include: * Singer * Painter * Novelist * Sculptor * Composer * Architect * Musician * — Director * Dancer * Actor The artist is usually easily sexualized, due to the intrigue he builds around himself. Intrigue combined with the clarity of his artistic vision makes him a captivating potential lover for a number of women, looking for an escape from their dreary lives. Like the athlete though, the artist suffers from poor long-term prospects, and can also be written off by certain types of women - in this case, those who view art as “not a real contribution / not something worth doing” - and, for the broadest desirability among the largest set of women, along with the best long-term prospects, he’s best taking. on a secondary identity with something both a little tougher and a little more material - the businessman and the rebel identities are usually the best complements to artist here. Selecting Your Identity(ies) How do you pick the right identity for you? Well, you'll of course want to select an identity that appeals to your natural inclinations. If you love competitive sports, you'll probably be a lot happier as an athlete than as an artist. If you love efficiency above all else, you'll be much better suited to a businessman identity than a social butterfly one. But once you have your identity established, and it is a firm one - that is, you have a high grade in it and are “strong” in that identity - you'll usually be best served developing a secondary or tertiary identity to your primary identity that is complementary of it.Having a complementary identity to your primary one allows you to compensate for some of the weaknesses of the primary identity, and makes you better able to connect with a broader array of women and people. Identity is a powerful phenomenon. Our behavior and perceptions of ourselves are shaped to a large degree by how others think of us and how they treat us. Yet, we can shape how others think of us and treat us by adopting different identities, and acting in ways or communicating about ourselves in ways that lead to those others then treating us differently. There's a great deal you can do with controlling how others view and interact with you, and identity is one of the biggest parts of it. So choose yours. wisely - its ripple effects will be felt in every aspect of your daily life, both now and in years to come. Always, ChaseWhat to Do When a Girl Doesn’t iis)ue BackA reader writes in: | found something strange. Every time I'm having long interactions with girls in pickups on the streets, | bomb. | mean, she doesn’t text back. It reminds me of Murphy's Law: If everything cant go wrong, IT WILL. | recently approached 10 women of which gave me attraction signals. They touched me, called me cute, called me the most interesting person, smiled, was high energy, stayed 20 minutes with me, and asked me to text them. | had good interactions with them and was smooth and confident. | bonded with them and made plans to see them. They never texted back and I don’t know why. ~ | did another experiment where | cut my interaction short about 3 minutes and asked for the number. Most of the shorter ones agreed on dates and texted back, and note, most of them gave me negative signs first. Is it because women use guys that they give fake “attraction signals?” Why do they seem so much into me at first but never bother to actually get into contact again? It happens over and over so much that when a girl give me signals that's too good to be true,| can almost predict that | will never hear from her again and I'm always right. | know it sounds counter-intuitive but | think the women who give you immediate signals are maybe time waster”? And what is your thoughts, do you find the same? aBrings back memories. When | stepped up my activity levels in 2006, | noticed an odd trend: the women | spoke to for longer periods of time, and seemed more into me, ended up being less likely to ever return my phone calls or texts. How bizarre, | thought to myself. This certainly doesn’t make much sense. But the numbers didn’t lie. So, | did the only logical thing | could think to do: | worked to shorten the time I'd spend with girls whose phone number | intended to grab, and only spend a longer time with girls | intended to take home that day or night. Almost overnight, the problem of girls not texting back and girls not calling back all but disappeared. But it still left me scratching my head a bit... why did spending more time with a girl and having her come to like you more lead to her falling off the face of the Earth and not returning text and calls later? Things That Lead to Unreturned Texts and Calls Think of a girl you met that you really liked, that you maybe spent 30 or 40 minutes talking to the first time you met her. She was charming, beautiful, exactly your type. Got her in your head? Good. Now, if you can, remember how you felt the first time you called her or texted her. Felt pretty darn nervous, didn't you? Heck, maybe you didn’t even text or call her at all. Hopefully that wasn’t the case, but there are plenty of guys out there that’s happened to... it happened to me, too. In fact, | was thisclose to never calling the girl who went on to become my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years; it was just too nerve- wracking to dial her number on the phone. | almost didn’t talk to her again after the night | met her. Guess what? Yep — that happens to girls, too. It isn’t always the reason, and in fact it’s only one of four main reasons we're going to take a look at that can cause a girl to not reply to your text. messages or phone calls. But girls being nervous and putting pressure on themselves is one of the Big 4 Reasons why they don't respond. It's probably the most surprising reason for a lot of guys, so that’s why | chose to lead off with it. But there are three other reasons, too. The four reasons women might not reply to you are:1. Too much anticipation / nervousness: if a girl really likes you, she might be too shy to reply to your correspon- dence. She might end up putting a great deal of pressure on herself to do well with you — or be too jittery to type out a reply or answer your call. She may really, really want to talk to you, but never end up doing so. 2.Too much of a state-shift: this one’s a little tougher to get your mind around at first, but if say you met a girl and both of you were really excited and high energy, and you call her back lat- er or text her when she’s feeling much lower energy than when you meet her, she's likely to look at that ringing, phone or blinking text message and think to herself, “I can’t talk to him right now; it's too much work.” 3.A bad ending: “The end is important in all things.” So goes one of my favorite quotes from the Hagakure. Even if you had a dynamite opener and the major- ity of the interaction went swimmingly, if the ending goes awkward or stale, the chances you never hear from a girl again go up dramatically. 4.She wasn't all that interested: this happens sometimes to everyone. Re- sist the temptation to attribute every non-responder to a girl not really being interested, as most guys do - it’s quite often one of the other three reasons that's too blame. But sometimes it’s really is just that she wasn’t as inter- ested as she'd seemed. It happens. Of these four reasons, #3 and #4 are the most easily correctable. #3 -— bad endings — gets fixed when you get your closing streamlined. Check out the post on getting a girl’s phone number and get more practice going for closes and you'll begin to self-correct and get smoother and more natural with time. #4 — getting contact info from girls who actually aren't all that interested — gets fixed as you become more attuned to the signals women are giving you. You become more aware of how to tell a girl is interested in you, and you plainly and simply stop taking contact info from girls you know aren't all that interested.#1 — girls being nervous to respond be- cause they really like you — is tougher to change. You have to do a lot to mini- mize nervousness and maximize com- fort while you're there in-person with a girl, and you've got to make sure that the text messages you send afterward or voicemails you leave are exceedingly warm and friendly. She needs to feel comfortable responding to you, above all. #2 — girls experiencing a state-shift be- tween how they felt when they first met you and how they feel when you call or text — is the hardest to change. It entails actually changing the way you interact with women when first meeting them so that when they receive your text or call later, in a calmer, lower energy state, they'll be a lot more likley to respond. That can mean you need to completely overhaul you interactions with women, especially if you’re an energetic, high energy guy. Fortunately, there’s a shortcut around all of these learning curves, however; and that shortcut is... Spend Less Time with Women and Get Them Rsponding More Sounds counterintuitive, | know, but bear with me on this one. Spending less time with a woman before you go for her contact information does something very special for you. It allows you to screen out the women who aren’t all that into you, while simultaneous eliminating the bad things — girls getting so into you they're too afraid to talk to you later, girls getting used to talking to you in a too-different energy level from their usual energy level, and bad endings to your interactions with girls. Said differently, it's about as close to a cure-all to the problem of a girl not texting back or a girl not calling back or answering as you can get. The women who seem very interested in you on first meeting you aren't time-wasters, and they're not being insincere. They really may enjoy the long conversation they have with you — or maybe they're trying to be polite and sociable with someone who's taken the time to come up and get to know them. But, it’s vitally important to note the difference between reactions and results. The two are different thing altogether, and reactions can oftentimes be misleading.A girl's smiling and laughing and chatting with you are mostly reactions. Her moving somewhere with you, or giving, you her number readily when you ask for it fast - those are a few examples of results. Results are what you ultimately need, regardless how promising (or not) your reactions may be. When you ask for the number fast, you get a real result. The girls who like you will happily give theirs; the ones who aren't so inclined will hesitate, or refuse outright. Very fast way of sifting the wheat from the chaff. When a Girl Doesn’t Text Back But, let’s say regardless how your interaction went when you met the girl the first time, you ended up with her number, but now you've called or texted her and she hasn't replied. What do to? When a girl doesn’t text back or when a girl doesn’t call back, the first thing you want to do is not panic. It’s not the end of the world, and it doesn’t mean you've lost her for good. It just means she hasn't gotten back to you yet. | once had an interaction with a girl where | texted her the night | met her and got no reply. Then | called her a day later, and got no answer. | shot her a text in lieu of leaving a voicemail, and she texted back apologizing for not answer but saying she hadn't realized it was me. A few days later, | tried calling her again. Again, no answer. | texted her again, and again she texted back later. One week after first meeting her, | called her. Again, no answer. | left a voicemail. She called me back, complained that she had nothing to do that night, and l invited her over to have dinner and drinks with me in my apartment, and a few hours after she came over, | took her as my lover. Persistence. It's the difference between the men who want it — and get it - and the men who don't. | had a guy | was mentoring who'd have women disappear and act completely disinterested, but he'd just persist relentlessly and eventually women would reappear, agree to meet up with him, and he'd finally take some of them to bed. Persistence via text or phone can work wonders... BUT, it's quite important that you persist in a cool, laid-back, socially Savvy way, because there are allkinds of wrong ways to persist, and men for some reason are particularly good at finding them. Don't fall into the traps that most. men do of getting needy, whiney, compalin-y, or pissed off at women for not replying; that guaranteesyou don't get a reply!a Instead, here are some things to keep in mind so that you're persisting in an intelligent, attractive way that'll make a girl far more likely to want to start talking to you again: * Don’t get mad or accusatory. Yes, it may seem rude that she hasn't replied, but... you’re a stranger! She doesn't know you from Jack yet, and doesn't realize what an awesome guy you are. Getting mad is 100% guaranteed to scare her off, so a SS refrain from anything like, “I don’t understand why you're being so standoffish.” Don't get whiney. Just as bad as mad is sad: whiney, complian-y men are a huge turn off to every woman on the planet. “I just want to talk to you — I'm not trying to be too pushy, but blah blah blah.” No. It isn't appealing to you to get something like that from a woman, and it isn’t appealing to a woman to get something like that from aman.DO be nonchalant. “Hey Karen, figured I'd drop you a line since we haven’t connected in a few weeks. Just got back from the East Coast and starting to delve back into work again... ugh. Hope life’s been treating you excellent... let me know what's new with you! - Chase” Treat the situation as if no one is to blame and the two of you are just reconnecting after a little time being busy with your own things. If you have some hurt feelings, stifle them; phone calls and text messages are not the places to be airing grievances or bandying about bad emotions. You want to be a breath of fresh air; a provider of good feelings and peace. That's the kind of thing that will make a woman want to pick up the phone and start talking to you, because she probably doesn’t get it anywhere else in her life. * DO refrain from being overly entertaining. “Just saw the most amazing movie today!” “OMG, think my head is going to explode, you'll never believe what just. happened to me...!!!” Anything like that is no good. That kind of stuff is okay — maybe — three or four texts into a conversation you're already having with a girl. But texting that to open a text conversation cold - as your text opener — drips of tryhard reaction-seeking. Worse, in my experience, it rarely works, and when it does it gets you attention from girls who are curious ~ rather than girls who are interested. Stick to normal stuff and you'll be fine. Finally, don't be afraid to give a girl a little time off if she doesn't reply for a while. My rule of thumb is something like this: * She doesn’t reply once: give her a day of radio silence. * She doesn't reply twice in a row: give her 2-3 days of radio silence. * She doesn't reply three times in a row: give her a week of radio silence. Then, if she’s still not replying, you may want to try something more bold and experimental, depending on the situation. There’s no one-shot, surefire way to reengage a girl who isn’t responding; it's going to vary enormously depending on why she isn't responding in the first place. If she’s too shy, a nice, warm voicemail might do the trick, or toning down your texting if you're coming across to entertaining or too “loud.” On the other hand, if it feels like too much of a state-shift for her, sharing some more normal details of your life and asking her about hers via text may turn out to be just what the doctor ordered for helping her to see you as more “human” and less a dynamo.It isn’t always possible to turn things around when a girl doesn’t text back... but sometimes it is. And, if you do things right, and you keep the time you spend with a girl you’re going to grab a number from to under 5 to 10 minutes, you might just find you substantially increase your phone number conversion rate... strange as that may seem! Always, Chase Amante‘< Why You Absolutely Need to Assume Attraction with WomenI've been seeing more of the writers and senior members on the discussion boards reminding guys that you must assume attraction recently. This is one of those things that comes second nature when you're farther along the path of doing great with girls, but can be an odd piece of advice to encounter when you're new. “Assume attraction” is a necessary ingredient in your seductions if you want those seductions to get anywhere. It’s what stops you from spending endless time deliberating about whether a girl is interested or not, whether she likes you, and whether you ought to advance things with her... or not. What happens is that most newer guys do not assume attraction, and instead spend their time looking for signs of attraction instead (without being all that adept at reading these signs). They are waiting for women to signal to them that they should move forward with their seductions. Yet, for similar reasons to what we covered in “The Paradox of the Flirty Girl” for why you shouldn't put too much stock in flirtation, if you’re sitting there trying to figure out if she likes you before you do anything, you’re going to fall flat. You're going to miss out on 95% of the women who really do like you. Because most of the time, they're going to be too busy being attracted to you to worry about signaling to you that they are. One Thing It’s Safe to Assume It's usually not good form to get in the habit of assuming things... that’s because much of the time, assumption only leads to inaccurate beliefs about the world. However, there are some things you pretty much need to assume, or you'll 0 crazy with doubt, hesitation, indecision, and second-guessing. One of these things you must simply assume is there is attraction. Why? Because most women just aren't going to come out and tell you they like you. Some of them will give you hints. Some of them won't. Some of them will hint they like you when they really just want you as a friend, while others will behave indifferently toward you while secretly burning with desire to be with you. If you're waiting for women to tell you they like you, instead of just assuming they do, you're in for some very uneventful days and evenings with them.Anumber of times | have had the experience of having women act bored or disinterested around me, or even actively telling me things like, “I don’t really like you,” or, “You're not the kind of guy | like,” yet within an hour or two I’ve slept with them. In the moment when receiving the seeming, -rejection, the thought process | have is typically like this: 1.“Whoa, that was harsh... guess it’s done, then.” 2. “Wait, she's still hanging, around and not leaving, though she keeps VERBALLY being bitchy and difficult.” 3.“Okay, I’ve got to just assume she’s attracted and that this snippiness. is really just horniness, and do my best to keep moving things ahead with her regardless.” That's an extreme example. And there's a difference between a girl who rejects you and who then immediately creates distance with you, than one who says something verbally dismissive while still giving you her attention, or only partially turning away from you. But there are plenty of other times you'll do well to assume attraction too: * See a pretty girl walking down the street? Assume she will be attracted to you- go say “hi.” * Seems like the girl standing a few feet away from you is tossing approach invitations your way? Assume that’s what they are, because she's interested - and go open. Cute girl in social circle cornered you to get you into conversation? Assume she’s interested - and see where you can take things You're stumbling all over yourself with a girl, but she’s still hanging around and smiling? Assume she likes you too much to care - and get moving faster with her Going to text a girl and ask her for a date? Don’t get all twisted up trying to figure out if you need to re-interest her in you - just assume she already is and ask her outYou will not always be correct. In fact, sometimes you will try to move things forward with girls you assume are into you, only to find that they will not comply. Doesn't matter. The point is assuming attraction anyway to get yourself juiced enough to take the shot no matter what things seem like initially. The Overconfidence Effect I'm generally allergic to all the “just be confident!” people, who throw around confidence advice as the path to success with little detail given to how to acquire that confidence ("Just be successful!” “Just make your first million, and it's easy from there!”), while acting like confidence without the skills to back that confidence up is all you need, because the skill set is a distant second to the confidence. Yet... confidence itself actually IS an attractive trait socially, and one that conveys authority upon its bearers and ups both trust and attraction from women.And pride - extreme self- assurance - is the most attractive expression of all in men. What ends up happening is that by assuming attraction, you actually increase women's attraction for you by displaying a sort of sexual bravado in how confident you are that yes, clearly, this woman must want you. Now, obviously, if she isn’t interested in you at all and your fundamentals aren't on lock (that is, you're coming across unattractive and creepy), no amount of confidence in the world is going to help here, and actually may make things worse ("That creepy guy is so confident | want him - UGHI”). But if you are a reasonably attractive guy... and if she likes you, at least a little, or finds you a little intriguing... self-assurance in your attractiveness to her is another intrigue switch for her - often a BIG one. Big enough that it can snap her out of autopilot, and make her say, “Wait, | was rude to this guy... why’s he still acting like he thinks | like him? DO | like him? Hmm... he’s got some confidence, this guy!” And then you're off to the races. Not a Magic Pill Assuming attraction is not a magic pill for making women who didn’t want you previously change their minds to want you now. Instead, it’s more of a necessary mindset for finding the women you like who like you too while filtering out the ones who aren't interested. Imagine two girls, dealt with two different ways:* Girl Ais friendly and sociable and flirty, but not interested * Girl B is reserved, cool, and aloof, but interested In scenario #1, you do not assume attraction. If you do not assume attraction, you will wait until you're certain a girl is interested before doing anything crazy or bold. Chances are, your instincts will tell you that you should flirt with Girl A, and stay neutral with Girl B. Of course, since Girl A isn’t showing you any interest beyond flirtation, you also won't try for anything beyond that, since you can’t safely assume she likes you more than flirtation. Thus, without assuming, attraction, you get hung up at flirting with Girl A, who's happy to flirt with you and keep you around as an orbiter in the friend Zone (or, in this case perhaps, the “fan zone”), and completely ignore Girl B, who’s sad you didn’t make any attempts with her, but eventually moves on and finds someone else cute to crush on instead. In scenario #2, you do assume attraction. When you do assume attraction, you automatically assume that Girl A is friendly, probably because she's very into you. You also assume that Girl B is aloof because she’s just not super sociable... but she’s probably very into you too. So, what do you do? You immediately start treating both women like women you're going to date, get to know intimately, and take to bed. You begin progressing the interactions with Girls Aand B - asking them to come sit with you, getting into intimate one-on-one conversation, inviting them home or inviting them to meet up with you on a date - only for Girl A to squirm out of going any further, or get uncomfortable and bow out. Apparently, she was only being social - well, that’s why we assume attraction, to smoke those girls out! Girl B, on the other hand, despite her aloofness, comes along with you, complies, and warms up more and more as you progress the interaction further and further. She’d been waiting for a cute guy like you who actually knew what to do with her, and now she’s thrilled she finally found you.That's why you assume attraction. Guilty Until Proven Innocent Another way of thinking about the “assume attraction” mentality is thinking of every woman you meet as “guilty until proven innocent”... guilty of finding you blindingly, ravishingly, unspeakably attractive, that is. You'll find there are two mindsets, among men: L.Innocent Until Proven Guilty: attraction is not assumed. This is the mindset of inexperienced and unconfident men, who do things like tell themselves, “No, she was probably just adjusting her hair,” when they catch girls flipping their locks around them, or, “She probably has a boyfriend,” when that cute girl across the way seems to be eyeing them. To this man, interest in him must be PROVEN before it can be accepted as being there. 2.Guilty Until Proven Innocent: attraction is assumed. If she’s dressed nice, it's because she was hoping to meet her Dream Guy that day - in other words, him. If she’s fixing her hair, it’s because she’s noticed him. If she’s standing with erect posture, it's because she wants to make sure he notices her breasts and butt sticking out and checks out her figure. To this man, interest in him is ASSUMED TO BE THERE until he’s seen otherwise from her. But that second one... isn’t that a little... unrealistic and extreme? This is what | hear from inexperienced, unconfident men when discussing this with them (experienced, confident men just smile and nod their heads). If you say this around women on the Internet, they will chastise you for it: “How can you be SO pigheaded and egotistical to think that every woman WANTS you? Probably NO woman wants you!” If you say it around them in person - and you are a charming, attractive man - they will give youa more demure response, and say, “Well, not EVERY girl likes you...” (to which you can respond with a seductive gaze and say, “Are you sure?”, and they giggle). The fact is, these simply are different mindsets. Both the “innocent until proven guilty” guy and the “guilty until proven innocent guy” KNOW that some women out there are interested in them, and some women out there aren't. As a fact, they know it. But as for what they believe, emotionally? “Every girl wants me,” says the man who assumes attraction; “Women just like me as a friend, or are too busy to have me in their lives,” says the man who does not.And his reality reflects his belief. Can You Learn to Assume Attraction? I'll admit - even when | sucked with women, | just assumed they all wanted me but | simply didn’t know the right way to unlock that attraction. | grew up having pretty girls chase me, at least, even if | didn’t do so hot with them for a while, so | never had to deal with feeling unwanted. Certainly a healthy chunk of this mindset is just due to your life experiences, and you won't get it fully ironed out and concrete until you've made yourself sufficiently attractive to women that they really do all seem to like you. However... while | don’t normally advise trying to tweak your inner workings too much, and instead just focus on doing right actions and letting your beliefs bubble up as a result of the outcomes of those actions, this is one | think is worth meditating on if you don’t have it. If you do not assume attraction... if you assume women are NOT attracted to you... you need to work on reversing this belief. How do you do that? I'd suggest you go with visualization and verbalization. That is: 4.When you see a girl, imagine her responding very warmly to you 2.Then say to yourself, “That girl wants me so bad” I've used this at times with particularly beautiful or vivacious girls when my confidence failed me and needed a kick in the pants... imagining it, followed by verbalizing it, can at least make it a fun or funny enough situation that you will then take a stab at things to see what happens. And when it works — which, at least some of the time, it usually will - all you get is reinforcement for your assumptions. While the best way to holding the “assume attraction” mindset is through lots of success with girls very visibly showing you their inter- est, you can prod yourself along by visualizing and verbalizing. That way, you stop writing yourself off like the “innocent until proven guilty” guy does... presuming himself to NOT be a sexual threat. You should be presuming, the exact opposite: that you are dripping with desirability, and every woman in a three-mile radius wants a piece of that. Don't believe it yet? Start training yourself up TO believe it; it's one of the most beneficial mindsets for your progress you can have. Ciao, Chase*————~ What Does She Mean? —+ 15 Examples PiercingSince the dawn of time, men have made the fatal mistake of taking the words of women at face value. | can’t blame our kind, as we are logical beings who say what we mean and mean what we say. But women...women are masters of subtlety. Subtlety and subtext are their hallmarks. And until you become well-versed in the language of the female, you can easily find yourself dumbfounded and in a storm of fury. No treacherous territory should be tread without a map. And no reasonable man should allow himself to be saddened, deluded, or maddened by his inability to understand what a girl actually means. So today I'm going to lay out such a road map. I'm going to outline the common phrases you'll hear from women in various contexts and what they really mean. | hope this will prevent you from being confused, frustrated, dumbfounded, or from having to ask yourself: what does she mean? What DOES She Mean, Really? That Night | Really Got My Hopes Up When | was in the throes of college, | had started my final year with a bit of ennui. | had just broken up with the girl | was dating at the end of the previous year. She was one of the most dynamic and intelligent girls | had ever met - wholesome, religious, but also playful and highly sexual.| had met my fair share of girls in college, especially since at the time | was in the middle of being a fraternity president. But, | just knew that the chances of me replacing my ex were slim. Luckily, | wasn’t quite in a situation where | couldn't stop thinking about her, but it was more of a rational and emotional acceptance of the fact that no girl that year would reach her caliber. And then | met her...Simone. We got into a brief conversation on the quad and she told me that she enjoyed my performance at an event that happened earlier that night. | was pretty casual about my response. Simone didn’t blow me away, or leave me dumbstruck, but | felt like she was pretty cute. And then, for the next week, she became the talk of the town. She was a freshman, but everyone kept talking about how mature she was for her age, and how beautiful she was, and how every guy wanted to take her to bed. I'm usually not one to get carried away in the hype about a girl. And as a senior, | was particularly wary of falling into such a trap about a freshman. But, after a couple more encounters, | be- gan to see what everyone else saw. This girl was gorgeous; she was intelligent; she was socially gifted; and she didn’t take herself too seriously. But there was one key difference between me and everyone else on that campus in terms of Simone: she looked at me that way as well. | often heard tell of her talking about me, and she always seemed to be slightly star struck whenever | was around her. So, like any logical man, | asked her out. And we went on a couple of really great adventures. It seemed like she had been there for ages. And she was as remarkable as everyone said she was - so much so that | actually began to get quite nervous around her. And | began to feel more strongly than | had felt about my ex (probably because | was still in the infatuation stage). And being less grounded as | was, | moved slowly and failed to get physical. “But it’s okay. I'll just tell her how | feel”, is what | thought to myself. So | asked her out on a midnight walk, and wore my heart on my sleeve... Me: Simone, I've had a really, really great time hanging out with you the last few weeks. Her: Colt, | feel the exact same way. You're definitely a breath of fresh air to Say the least. Me: Hah, much appreciated. Well, | just wanted to add that | haven't felt this way about a girl in quite a while. And honestly, | really like you.Her: ...Colt, | really like you too. But to be honest, I'm kind of in the middle of a break up with a guy at another school. So we should just be friends for now. Maybe we can revisit this in a few weeks. Now, if Simone had just told me that we should be friends, | would’ve been disappointed, but | could've let it go. We'll re- visit this in a few weeks... no worries at all. That’s what I'd think to myself. But then the weeks turn into a month. And the month turned to two. And | barely ever saw Simone after that conversation. What did she mean when she said that we'll revisit? Temporal Truths If there's one thing that’s necessary to understand about women it’s that they live in temporal truths. Was Simone sincere in her words of wanting us to eventually get together? Absolutely. But as we know, attraction expires and girls’ feelings really do come and go. During month two of not really seeing her and wondering where things went wrong, one of my good friends pulled me aside and said: “Yo Colt, you’re a good friend of mine so | wanted you to hear this from me. | heard that Simone has been having sex with Mark from the fraternity across the street for the last couple of weeks. Sorry man.” ... it was much harder to hear that news than | could have ever anticipated. Eventually | randomly ran into her and confronted her about it: Me: | heard you've been hooking up with Mark. Her: Yeah... it started one night at a party. | was drunk and it was stupid. But... he’s a good guy. Me: I see. Her: I'm really sorry Colt. Me: It’s okay. But | do have one question. How come him? | mean... why not me? Her: You know it wouldn’t be the same between us. | guess... | just like you too much to sleep with you. #1. “I like you too much to sleep with you.” This phrase will open up our list of girl-speak. It can be one of the most confusing and frustrating set of words to hear from a female. Upon looking back on these events, | learned a couple of critical lessons about my situation: * | didn’t move fast enough with the physicality * | over-provided good feelings * | gave off way too much value| had spent a lot of time with Simone connecting on an emotional and intellectual level, but upon reflection, | had begun placing her on so high of a pedestal that | was nervous to even touch her. And while | wasn’t touching her, | was communicating my provider value in other ways and taking her on adventures. Essentially... | was digging my own lover grave. Let's look at the next phrase a girl might say that may trigger the “what does she mean?” thought in your head. #2. “I'm not really dating right now.” When a girl says this, it may be true in the sense that she’s not dating anyone at this exact moment. However, there is always a man in a girl's life. And if there isn’t a lover, you can bet your dollars that she is actively looking for one. So if she tells you that she’s not really dating... what she’s really saying is that she’s not really interested in dating you. A lot of guys hear this and think: “Oh, she’s not really dating. That makes sense. | don’t really want to pressure her into doing something she’s uncomfortable with. She’s probably dealing with something. Maybe someday!” And they obliviously carry on with the hope that one day they'll be able to “win her over”. #3. “It's fine.” No. No, it isn’t. I'm certain that any guy who has ever been in a relationship has heard this wonderful gem. When a girl tells you that something is fine it means that she is either disappointed or upset.If she is disappointed, then you either have to assuage her disappointment, or come up with a way to compromise/ make it up to her. If a girl is disappointed, then you have to get serious and find out what the root cause of her emotions is. Chase’s recent article on bridge building in conversations is a great tool to this end. And if you follow these steps while maintaining your masculine frame, things really will turn out just fine. #4. “I'm going to the bathroom/| have to find my friend.” Hahahaha... no she isn’t - and no she doesn't. Unless that’s not her primary motive. In the very rare case, a girl will give you one of these lines and actually come back. But, you should only take her for her word when she actually returns. Don’t even take her at her word if she adds a nice “but I'll be back”. This is quite often a smoke screen for her actual intentions. #5. “Maybe” or “Sometime” You ask a girl out and she gives you one of these responses. In both cases she’s giving you an unequivocal “never”. But she’s trying to be nice and spare your feelings by giving you the illusion of possibility. #6. “You’re such a great friend!” In other words: “I’m never, ever going to have sex with you!” Unfortunately, a lot of orbiters take this statement as positive reinforcement for their efforts and think that they are slowly “wearing down” the girl into enjoying them so much that she wants to jump in their bed. However, the only play he'll be getting is the one he takes her to. And the only physicality he'll be getting is her light pats on the shoulder or the occasions where she cries over another guy on him. #7. “| was so drunk.” Aclassic female plausible deniability response. In fact, the preeminent response. It really means “I definitely wanted to sleep with him - or at least did at the time - but | don’t want to be judged as a slut. And... | may even ‘get drunk’ around him again.” #8. “She is so ugly.” This really means “She's actually really pretty and I’m very jealous of her. She is a threatening presence and | need to do whatever is necessary to lower her sexual value.” If a girl is calling another girl ugly or bitchy,especially if this girl is a prospect of yours, then you’ve definitely got her jealousy meter running high. And if you can, definitely use that to your advantage if you want.| remember one of the most surprising instances of girl-bashing I've seen came from a girl that | really respect. She is asmart, mild, and generally high-value individual who is a good female friend of mine. However, one night | had been out and met a girl who formerly won our state beauty pageant. And after the night had concluded, | asked my friend what she thought about this girl. | expected a generally positive response. However, what I actually got was: “She was okay. Her hips were kind of wide and her makeup was a little off. But | guess she was nice enough.” | was shocked. | didn’t think this girl had one mean bone in her body. But competition is a funny thing. And that was the first time | felt sexual tension between the two of us. #9. “He is so creepy.” “Creepy” is a catch-all term that girls use for any guy they are not attracted to who came onto them in anything but a “nice guy” way. Sometimes the guy isactually creepy and he tries to feel her up in the corner of a club. But when girls talk about this type of guy, they'll actually be uneasy. However, what's more common to find is creepy used for a masculine man who made his intentions known, but that she didn’t want as a lover. Scenario 1. Actually creepy: “That guy just grabbed my butt and called me ‘baby’. It made me really uncomfortable. That was creepy. Let’s move to a different part of the bar.” Scenario 2. Fake creepy: “Jake keeps texting me about hanging out. He just can't take a hint. He’s so creepy.” Scenario 2 is an actual statement that a friend of mine made. |, in Colt fashion, proceeded to call her out about the fact that she gave him her number, and that if she wants him to stop, she should just say so.Her response was: “It’s just too much effort. And | don’t want to be mean. I'll just ignore him.” But what she was really saying was: “I like the attention and showing everyone that guys like me and validate me.” Fair play. But of course, she would never admit that! Creepy can mean anything. But it’s important to know that seven times out of ten that “creepy” guy is probably just a regular guy who came in with an uncalibrated approach. And unfortunately, some girls will throw you in the creep jail for that. #10. “What are you doing right now?” If a girl sends this text to you without any prior warning, then this means “I’m horny”. But of course, she’s not allowed to actually say this overtly. So it’s your job to infer what she means. #11. “I’m Tired.” Sometimes what she means is that she is actually tired. But other times - particularly in longer relationships - she means. that she’s lost motivation due to a lack of sexual excitement. So this case will mean bringing the spark back and turning on your significant other with raw sexual enthusiasm. If you do this, suddenly she'll have energy that “mysteriously” came to her. #12. “He and | are just friends.” This one is tricky. If you’re not with a girl and she makes a point of telling you that a guy (whom you think she has a lot of sexual chemistry with) is just her friend, it could mean many things. It could be that: * He is a secret lover, but she still wants to keep you as an option * He used to be a lover, but now she has lost interest * She’s interested in him, but wants to use this statement to gauge your reaction * She’s attracted to him, but wants to spare your feelings (in case you're jealous) Of course, these are only for the cases where there is clear chemistry between a girl anda guy you don’t know. Otherwise, just take her for her word. But if you know anything about men and women, you know that the man is probably an orbiter. But if you do see the signs of attraction, do delve a bit deeper and do your due diligence about the situation. #13. “Do | look fat?” This is another classic. Only the foolish would dare to answer yes. Sup- port her and encourage her. Even if she does need to drop a pound or two, now would not be the correct time to bring up such things.#14. “Do you want to... ?” Women will rarely ask for things directly, and this is one aspect that drives men absolutely crazy. For example, if you’re out at a restaurant with a woman and she wants dessert, but is unsure of how you'll react (maybe you're paying for the date), she'll just pose her desire as a question of your desire. “Do you want to grab dessert?” What does she mean? She is really saying: “I want to grab dessert but | don’t want to be rude or seem like a glutton, so you should suggest it.” And if you fail the test, get ready to feel the heat. #15. And last but not least... nothing at all. And last but certainly not least is women’s secret weapon: radio silence. In this tech-driven day and age, radio silence can communicate more loudly and clearly than any words coming out of a girl's mouth. If a girl suddenly goes cold on you, she just assumes that you'll get the point after try three or four. So if you don't hear from her... yeah... that's what she means. STD Te TMU Yalta OT STWrapping Up | did eventually rekindle the contact and connection with Simone, but the magic never really returned. In fact, after a couple of months, it was strange to see how much | could think of her as | did most other girls. Not 100%, but | did at least bring the pedestal out of the heavens. And one fateful night | ended up kissing her. It was short. And it was relatively unimpres- sive. And she gave me the “I just think of you as a friend” line. Fair enough. But | was happy | took action. | was happy | never had to live with the regret of wonder. It was too hard to reverse the bad precedent. But she set me on a path of much greater lessons - both difficult and illuminating. In fact, she was one of the main reasons why | decided to truly ramp up my skills and understand everything | could about women. That school year had been one of the catalysts for me finally reaching out to Chase after consuming his materials for quite a while. So in the end, | actually have a lot to thank Simone for. | tried to get her in person, but she was always too busy. So | had to send her a long text right before | made my final exit from the campus. | made one return to the alma mater a couple of years later, and | reached out to her. | knew she was enjoying a blossoming college experience and | wanted to catch up with her. So | reached out to her. And she agreed to catch up since | was only around for one night. And then... she flaked on me. Some things never change :). That was the last thing | ever said to her. | hope that she knew what | meant. And now you do too. Carpe diem, Written by Colt Williams Colt Williams is a poet-turned-pickup artist, whose fluidity with women is matched only by his skill as a wordsmith. He was the first African American member of the Girls Chase team, and boasts trips to Asia (Thailand, the Philippines), and a current home base in the American Rocky Mountains. Some of Colt’s specialities include dance floor game in nightclubs... and Tinder.On Entitlement: What Do You REALLY Bring to the Table?We talk about value quite a bit on this site: being a high value man, dating a high value woman (or two) and adding value to situations where you want to make friends or contacts. But does value really matter that much? The short answer is: yes. It matters a lot. Because while a lot of people feel entitled to things... just because you feel entitled doesn’t mean other people feel any obligation to give them to you. I've noticed a certain level of self- entitlement in men that have no skills with women, men who are beginners, and even somewhat with men who are intermediate. Today | want to take a deeper look at value and examine what we as men “deserve” from women and life. - ARE YOU ENTITLED? - | was speaking to an acquaintance of mine recently, and he was complaining to me about the litany of girl troubles that he’s been having lately (actually somewhat of a psychological vampire now that | think about it). He felt that women simply don’t appreciate how good of a guy he is, and he can’t find a woman who measures up to his standards. So, I decided to dig a little deeper into his mindset. Essentially the conversation went like this: Me: ...So what are you looking for in a girl? Haven’t you met a couple cool, cute girls lately? Him: Yeah but they just blow me off and play games, I’m so tired of it! They're so bitchy! Basically, | just want a girl who's smart - maybe even went to grad school, physically fit, hot and who will cook for me. Me: So you want a girl who maybe went to grad school? Him: Yea. Is that so much to ask for? Me: Did you go to grad school? Him: No, but we both know I’m intelligent.. Me: Hmm. Didn't you drop out of college? Him: Yea, and | started my own business. Me: That's right. How’s that going? Him: ...Me: And you want a girl who's physically fit...when's the last time you went to gym or played a sport...just out of curiosity? Him: | go all the time [a lie]! Plus, I'm not out of shape anyway! Me: So, let me just get all of this straight. You want a girl who is smart, fit, and will cook for you when you basically do none of those things yourself? Nor do you seem to spend that much on your business, fashion or anything like that? Is that fair? Him: Colt, you’re being an asshole! You should be on my side! Now, before | go on, let me say that | am as helpful and compassionate as can be with everyone | come into contact with. But as Chase so aptly put in his article on vampires, there’s just no boosting vampires with your positive energy. And after having tried to have a supportive conversation over a dozen times with this particular individual, | knew that | had to call him ‘on his nonsense. And | will never hesitate to call someone out when it gets to that point; I've always believed that honesty - used properly - is the best thing you can do for other people, especially negative ones. As men, we have the tendency to attack women on their hypocritical standards for guys. “Why should an overweight girl get to date a muscular, sexy man, like you seem to think she should get to do?” etc. But, as this acquaintance taught me,men are just as guilty of this crime as women are. And like those members of the fairer sex who are guilty of being entitled, we too are often not just guilty of it with the opposite sex, but with everything.- Misunderstanding and Jealousy - A good friend of mine became a high-level executive at a tech firm right out of college and started his career making more money than most people hope to make in all of their 20s. Instead of being proud of him as all of his closest friends and | were, | noticed a lot of the people whom he considered friends actually trashing his achievement. They would often grumble and say things like, “He doesn’t deserve such a prestigious job as his age,” and,“Why don’t I have a job like that? He’s just so lucky!” But the cold hard fact was that luck had nothing to do with it. As discussed in “How to Master Anything”, many average people who look at great achievers only see the final product. They only see the reward, the victory, the triumph. But what these fair weather friends didn’t see was the hours he put in every single day researching the latest trends in tech firms, reading white papers on developing technology, and getting his hands on whatever gadgets he needed to stay on top of the industry. What they didn’t see was how awkward he was when we were teenagers, and how many active hours he put into honing. his social skills to scalpel sharpness and improving his abilities with women - both of which boosted his confidence and granted him the ability to interact and charm pretty much anyone. The entitlement that everyone else felt was merely a form of jealousy. They saw themselves as his equal (or maybe even as better than him)... and they could not comprehend the fact that he was doing better in the job market. And | believe that all entitlement is a mixture of jealousy and insecurity. Average men see other “average to below average” men walking around with stunning girls, and feel deeply angry that they are not with a stunning girl. They secretly wonder if they are lacking in one area or another, but they would never admit that to themselves. In- stead they insult the man/woman and complain behind their backs instead of working to improve themselves. But the question: Do they deserve these girls?- WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON OFFER? - Prior to the minted coins of the Lydians around 650 BC, there was no such thing as money. They only way to get something you wanted was to exchange something that someone else wanted. That’s where the phrase “bringing something to table” comes from. You actively put something down and barter it with someone else. | believe that understanding this very concept of transactional value can greatly improve the life and mind of any man. If a girl chooses to be with you, she has very specific reasons (even if she’s not fully aware of them) as to why she is with you. What do you get from her? This: * The potential to birth a child and pass on your genes * Sex * Someone to nurture you as you recover from trying take over the world * Someone to fulfill your instincts of providing and protecting * Acompanion who shares (hopefully some of) your interests * A beautiful woman (assuming you follow the tips on this site) to make other men jealous What does she get from you? This: * Aman who will give her children able to attract beautiful women * Astrong man to protect her and her potential children * Someone to fulfill her instincts of nurture and care * Someone who can provide for the household (assuming you're the traditional type, but no judgment here) * Aman who can give her orgasms * Aman who she can join ona the path toa greater life purpose * Astylish, worldly man who will make other women jealous And how can she tell if you will provide these qualities? Like this: * Your fitness «Your facial expressions * Your social skills «Your sexy vibe *Your fashion Your job These are some of the factors - among many - that we cover on this site that she'll be judging you by. And if you don’t have these qualities, you simply don’t have enough trans- actional value to attract her. Just like my poor acquaintance, you simply don't offer enough value in exchange for what the woman is bringing to the table. Or in some cases, you don’t present the value in the right way - a problem that I’ve definitely grappled with. A couple of these things will make you good. All of them will make you great. But what makes you ex- ceptional is having some- thing that sets you apart from everyone else, even the great guys. And being exceptional only comes from mastery.= SS a cm Sy st ,— - Being Good Isn’t Good Enough - If you ask a guy why he should be with a certain girl or why he deserves to have a certain job, he will often begin by saying: “I’m a really good guy,” or, “People really like my personality,” or, “| work really hard” (hopefully this latter one isn’t the case with dealing with specific women). Unfortunately, the harsh truth is nobody but your mother cares that you’re a “good guy” unless you have something more to offer. The people of the world only care about what you bring to the table to fill their needs. If |need to have my car fixed, am | going to hire someone who is a “good guy” or “well-liked” or am | going to hire the man with his hands covered in grease who can tell me parts of a car that | didn’t even know existed? If a woman wants to find a man to give her offspring, is she going to have sex with a man who will “try really hard for her” or “be really nice,” or will she go for the guy who can give her amazing orgasms in ways that she didn’t know she was capable of and get what he wants and sing to her and be a nice, good listener? Hmm... One of my favorite scenes from any movie ever demonstrating the power of value is Alec Baldwin's speech from Glengarry Glen Ross. In the words of Biggie: relax and take notes.Always be closing. Always be understanding your goals and offering value to other people in order to benefit both parties. - Don’t Disappoint Women - Earlier this year, | needed to have a website designed for me. So | went to an online bidding site, and got bids from various web developers. There was a guy from India who had good credentials and seemed like he could really get the job done. So | selected him and gave him my instructions. After about a week - three days longer than the estimate - | got a really confused email from him. He didn’t understand a couple of things that | had laid out, so | had to re-explain my specifications. After a few more days, he still didn’t get it. And after even more days of muddled exchanges, he told me that he was unable to produce the final design for me - which was actually quite simple. The whole process left me feeling, slightly bitter, frustrated, misunderstood and wanting my desire fulfilled (| still didn't have my final website design).For the first time in my after taking a chance on And damn, what a ter- life, | clearly and him, realize that he just rible feeling that is. So distinctly understood doesn't get them and in don't do it. Learn your how women feel on a the end...can’t deliver skills, and bring the value regular basis. Theyseea the skills they thoughthe _—_- start to finish - to the man who seems so would. women of the world who promising, who seems so desperately need a like he’s going to fulfill He can't deliver the powerful man like the their desires, and goods. one you're becoming. - Bring Something to the Table - From now on, never get caught be. The good thing for you is that time empty-handed. is probably on your side. If you put in enough hours into anything, you will You need to make some friends? Bring become competent enough to set you unique value to the table. apart. You need a new job? Bring some unique value to the table. And as always, remember that the world owes you nothing. You need to bed a beautiful girl? Bring some unique value to the table. But if you focus on giving the world Let go of the jealousy when you feel it what it needs, you will get everything. creeping up. Let go of the entitlement. Put in the work necessary to become Carpe diem, the man that so many others never will Colt Written by Colt Williams Colt Williams is a poet-turned-pickup artist, whose fluidity with women is matched only by his skill as a wordsmith. He was the first African American member of the Girls Chase team, and boasts trips to Asia (Thailand, the Philippines), and a current home base in the American Rocky Mountains. Some of Colt’s specialities include dance floor game in nightclubs... and Tinder.FIELD REPORT Maat Date Went Great , Filed by: The Tool sy rdOur field report of the month section comes raw and un edited, straight from our boards on www.GirlsChase.com. If you would like to become part of our community, feel free to join today Because of School, Finals, and last minute projects | havnt gone on a date in 3-4 weeks or maybe longer cant quite recall. Soon things will calm down and ill be right back at er(winter break in 1 week im excited) So here is a post of my last date | went on a little over a month ago, thankfully | have excellent memory for the dialouge is still fresh. So essentially this ones for you freshman(| am going to write a long indepth one | got nothing to do today so it will be a long read but its worth it trust me), but anyone else who reads PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND CRITIQUE, | love that shit. So this all started when | got this girls number from work (back when | used to work in fast food) hadnt worked there in over a year and decided to visit some buddies that were still shoveling away at thee ole grime. At the counter was the girl whose # | got we will call her Liz (shes about an 8/10 on the scale) back when | worked with her she was extremely flirtasious and sexual but she had a boyfriend so it didnt go anywhere. (had her # for over a year and didnt text her once) Anyway when | got there | started to shoot the shit with one of my old buddies at the counter the store was slow we were talking and havin a good time. Suddenly Liz came out from the back room and | said to her “still slack- ing like always eh? cant believe theyve kept ya” to which she said “IM NOTA SLACKER haha, | remember someone being a slacker more than anyone here, as she gave me a glareing eye” To which | said “I mightov been a slacker but | was the sex appeal of the whole kitchen” she said “oh for sure but not anymore as she winked” My buddy heard this and said to me “oh you too are gettin flirty you should grab her number” She heard this and said to my buddy loud and with confidence “He already does” to which she walked away to the back. My buddy then looked at me and said “Get some” | took her saying “He already does” as a call to action so straying off Chase’s texting format | decided to have a bit of fun and a learning experience. So 2 days later | sent her a text saying “Hey Slacker, Better have cleaned those Ketchup dispensers after work correctly, Lord knows | always had to do them for you” Ill put the text in dialouge format belowHer “Who is this” Me: “your arch enemy the dishwasher” Her “ OHI! the tool right?” (note she actually said tool, That is my REAL nickname where | live so NO JOKE SHE CALLED ME A TOOL!!!) Me “Correct lol so what kind of mischief you up to today? or are you slacking like always?” Her “I AM NOT SLACKING, | just got done with school about to go to an interview” Me “Oh nice where at? id like to know because | am to warn them about how unproductive you are ;) Her “Oh shut it lol this is coming from you the king of all things unproductive” Me “I was a amazing worker” Her “what are you amazing at?” Me “Il am amazing at everything | do ;)” Her “everything you say?” Me “yes everthing ;)" Her. “OH GOD!!! LOL Me “ Indeed, Indeed, So hey was thinking you and | should grab a coffee sometime whats your schedule look like next week” Her “next week im pretty busy though so ill let you know” Me” sounds good” (I took this as an obvious blowout, | dont have time for that crap saw itas a lost cause and didnt text her for 2 weeks till she suddenly texted me” | was getting ready for a date with a girl that | was taking to starbucks getting dressed and all that jazz, about 2 hours till the date when | got a text. Liz “Hey Loser” Me didnt respond for 20 mins on purpose “ sup. slacker” Liz “...lol | told you im not a slacker!!! not much just chillin, youself?” Me “oh you know a little bit of this, little bit of that ;)” Liz “so exciting stuff eh lollclc” Me “always” Her “so what are you up too tonight?” | didnt respond, | was already on the date with the other girl. Long story short the date itself went excellent pulled her home all that jazz but didnt get exactly what | wanted if ya know what I mean, Dropped this girl off and texted liz back” Me “hey Liz Oh you know I'm up to trouble as always” Liz “haha yea you are trouble, but | am even more trouble” Me “glad to here it ;) say How about that coffee whats your schedule like next week” Liz “Sure! uhh next week | am off wednesday!” Me “alright coffee then. Wednesday. Starbucks. 7 oclock” Her “Ok, Better be PM if its AM | AINT GOIN!!!” Me “haha yes PM see ya there” Her “haha Ok” didnt text her again up untill 2 hours before the date. Me “hey Liz when you get to starbucks II| meet you by the front door”Her “We are really doing that? knowing, you | thought it was a jokel!” Me “a joke? | never joke about stuff like this, obviously you dont know me as well as you think you do ;)” Her “I guess not!! but ok!! im still game | just have to run a bit of errands ill probibly be at starbucks around 8” Me “Lol Alright see you there” 8 oclock rolled around and she ar- rived, and BOY WAS SHE DRESSED TO KILLIN! wearing high legging boots, pants they were essentially yoga pants, low cut top (excellent cleavege) Simply HOTH! She said hey | said How ya been, she said good as | opened the door for her and guided her in with my hand on the small of her back. At the ordering counter | orded and | asked her what shes getting and | lightly placed my hand on her shoulder, she said | am going to get the blabla” The guy asked me is this togeather or separate (it was 3.50 for coffee for her order so | just paid for it, dont critique me on that | did it, OH NO LOL! ) she said are you sure? and | said “yea its no biggy” Sat down at a quiet table away from everyone and | started small talk and quickly went into deep diving, III skip most of the dialouge | used and just put in the sexual frames and chase frames | used that | still rememberSome parts Her “at work | remember you used to cause alot of trouble” Me “yea but | know you like trouble” Her “ I love it, and | like to cause a bit of trouble myself” Me “ Yea, your angelic face has never fooled me for a second” (| remember reading this line from one of chases posts, had it handy and it worked) Her (smiled at me and | smiled at her) “continued deep diving ect, 10:00 came and she looked around and the place was empty, she said to me “oh no ones here, | wonder what time they close?” | said | believe they close at 11” Her “11 are you sure? | dont want to be one of those people that stays till close, that makes the employees angry” THIS WAS MY CALL TO ACTION ALARM WENT OFF IN MY HEAD! PULL, PULL, PULL. So | decided to pull her home. (I used the yes ladder to get her home, | know with this amount of obviousness | could have easily pulled her home without it, but screw it | used it anyway) Me “Yea we dont want to be those people, but I'm thinkin this night is too young to end dont you?” Her “Yea | think so” Me “And your having a good time right?” Her “yea” Me “and you like (TV show name here) right?” Her “Yea” ME “Then we should go watch (TV show name here)” Her “OK” We got up and her and | went outside, she said “should | follow you?” | said of course” so we got in our vehicals and she followed me. (1 was visiting my parents at this time so | was residing there)She came inside and | told her, please take your boots off, its house rules, to which she agreed. We went upstairs and into my room (No chairs. in my room, just my bed by my TV” She sat down on my bed and | got the TV show ready on my laptop, we had a little bit of small talk, we were seated next to eachother on my bed, backs against the wall, When | turned on the show, the opening scene was on and | looked at her and said “You smell good what kind of perfume is that?” She said “blabla” | said | really like it. | looked at the laptop then looked at her, I then implamented the Manhandle Kiss technique (this was within only 5 minutes of her being in my room | turned her chin towards me gently and placed a kiss on her, and slowly pulled my face back to look her in the eyes, her eyes got really wide, she smiled and | went in again, THis time she jammed her tounge down my throat with a firey passion, after a little bit of this | took my laptop closed it and placed it on the ground. | then took her and placed her ina position on my bed so | could get on top of her, | placed my knee right up against her vagina and used firm pressure and she loved it and the making out increased. | then started moving my hands allover her body, (not her chest) and | slowly made my way from her ass, to her in- ner thighs to her vagina (over her yoga pants) she let out a little laugh of joy and gave me no resistance as | began to rub her clit (pants were so thin it was if she had them off) | then tried to get my hands inside, to which she made a noise “nuh ah” so | backed off and went back to caressing my hands over her body, Next | went for her shirt, First | went over the shirt, then slowly under, | started caressing her tits over her bra, to which then | proceded to go under the bra, I then pulled her Bra down (I dont have time to take it off, screw that lol) After a bit of this | stopped kissing her and began to unbutton her overshirt, (it was a little crowshay type sweatshirt very small) As | was. doing this she looked at me and said in a happy/ giggly voice “we Shoulnt be doing this” | just smiled at her and let out a little laugh took it off and went back to making out. I then started to caress her vaginal area outside her pants and tried to make my way in again with my hands she said “nuh uh” again so | pulled back, After A bit of making out | went for it again, AND IT STUCK!! GOLDEN | WAS IN!!! from there is was smooth sailing, got pants off everything, badda bing badda boom. You know what happens this isa frickin LR lol SO here in this long post was the date, text, date, pull, become lovers.Escalate with Girls in.Social CircleAnd off she went. That girl from my social circle kissing behind the bushes with that other dude. It’s not like | was in love with her or anything, but damn I'd wanted to kiss her. When | was in high school this kind of scenario would play out with girls at parties and social gatherings all the time. | had next to no understanding, of what to do to actually attract these girls... and even had | known they were attracted, | had no idea how to move So how is social circle escalation different from cold approach escalation? Like so: * You will almost definitely see the girl again after you've hooked up with her, which obviously is not always the case if you're going the cold approach route Other people within the social circle will hear of your hook-up (or attempted hook-up in the case you should get rejected) and it will have implications as to what people think about you and future girls you may go after. This means that your escalation has to be smooth and well-received You generally have a lot more time with escalation windows, so it’s not SOCIAL CIRCLE FOUNDATION: THE ESCALATIONS the interaction forward. | eventually resigned myself to the belief that I'd only get what came my way by chance. You can probably relate to that in some way, shape, or form. In my first article on the ‘Pros’ and ‘Cons’ of social circle | gave you a broad overview of what to expect out of social circle. In this article we're going to get down to the nitty-gritty of what my adolescent self didn't know during my high school years: how to escalate on girls from your social circle. as do or die as cold approach; that doesn’t mean there aren't times to push the envelope, but it sometimes means you don’t move as fast Be Flirty It's important to flirt with all of the girls in the social circle. This sets the tone of how you're perceived. It’s best to be light, non-committal, and convey interest subtly. So what kind of things am | talking about? A lot of nonverbal stuff like this: + Lingering eye contact * Playful touching * Teasing *The ‘I know something you don't’ lookOccasionally you can throw in a verbal sign of interest but make sure to disqualify it immediately after. An example would look like this: Pete: Yeah, you're hot, shame you dance like Steve Urkel [wave a dismissive hand, smile and back turn. It’s very push-pull at this point] SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE: This is totally not cool if the girl has a boyfriend.Particularly if the boyfriend is your friend. | think this kind of goes without saying, but we'll get into more of this type of stuff in the coming reputation management article. Ideally, by doing this, you will have every girl attracted to you but none will be totally sure that you want them. Thus you have become ‘le Prize’. Essentially you are creating a competition within the social circle for your attention. This is otherwise known as using jealousy plotlines. If a girl sees another girl having a flirtatious interaction with you then that competition will have her invest further. This can be worked on a one-night basis but as you generally see social circle people at least semi- regularly you can continue to build this over time and it'll reach something of a critical mass where all the girls in the social circle will be receptive to you. Jealousy plotlines can manifest especially strongly in social circle (as op- posed to cold approach) so can be more helpful in seducing a particular girl... but can also be a potential source of drama. That is something we'll touch on further in the managing reputation piece. Your Frame What are frames? A frame is something that you can use to set howa particular person interprets a situation or person. If that sounds a little obtuse then humour me, you'll probably understand it better as | go.Your frame should be ‘I can have any girl in the circle, but if you arouse my interest and play your cards right then | might take you home’.You'll have created something like this frame in the mind of the girls already if you've been flirting with them correctly. So now all you need to do is to step into this frame in your own mind. If you're operating from it then your inner reality will match with the outer reality. Please don't use this as an excuse to be too cocky. Something like this should never be said aloud. Once you've chosen a girl you like, it’s time to stop flirting with everybody and start moving things forward with your preferred girl. Before you dive in headfirst, of course, you want to make sure the feeling is mutual... So let’s talk about some of your ‘hidden moves' first. Hidden Moves These are to test the water out before larger escalations. At some point you need to move past the playful, flirta- tious stage and take the interaction fur- ther. You can use ‘hidden moves’ to do that. These hidden moves can be especially exciting, particularly for the girl.You’ve built up the sexual tension and she’s attracted so when you take the next step, if you've been doing the first stage right then this should be vibealicious. You do need to signal your intentions more deliberately but you don’t want everybody seeing it, hence a hidden move. You don’t want people seeing it for two reasons: 1.It can make it harder to seduce other girls in the social circle if you are seen to be going round and doing this to lots of girls, especially in a short time period 2.If you get rejected it’ll not be as harmful for your social reputation You shouldn't really get rejected but even if you do the relatively innocuous nature of the first way I'm going to show you to do this (thankfully I've found it to be the most connective one too) means that it’s not going to be a really strong rejection that she'll laugh about with her friends. If anybody does see you escalating, don’t fret, play it like it’s no big deal. The hidden move should always be nonverbal, and of a more sexual nature. It's going to be dependent on where you are but here are a couple of ways to do this:* Take her hand secretly - my favourite of these. I've done this under a table at a bar, while sitting next to a girl when a social group was having a movie night, while standing behind a girl ata live-music venue etc. Basically, just do it secretly. Give her hand a gentle squeeze and caress Rub her leg secretly - same as above. Can be done in different situa- tions Grab her ass secretly - and again, just try to be secret. This is my least favoured but can also be the most sexual and brazen. It’s going to depend on the girl and the situation If she responds positively, which she should do as you're the boss man, then that’s your invitation to take the escalation further. Discretion Frames Before | take you into how to take an interaction further from there I'd like to get into something that you can do to proactively help out an interaction before it’s further down the sexual road. A discretion frame is used to show the girl that the two of you hooking up can be kept a secret. How do we set it? There are a few ways you can set up a discretion frame. You can do it in an implicit way or an explicit way. The implicit way would be by mentioning in passing things like, “I don’t kiss and tell,” or when you're telling a sex story you don’t divulge who is involved even if you're pressed on it. Explicitly, you can say something like, “If we do hang out, we should keep it a secret,” or, “This has to bea secret.” Sometimes a girl’s response to that will be to think, “Why does he want to keep me secret? Is he embarrassed of me?” which you will be able to tell quite easily because she'll probably ask you, “Why do you want it to be a secret?” This is quite easy to deal with. All you need to say is, “Just because | don’t think it should be any- body's business but our own; people talk. Be- sides, | think X, Y, or Z might get a liiiittle jealous.” This does two (2) things for you, both very helpful: 1.You've shown that you aren't hooking up with her for the kudos from the boys, which disarms one typical objection, and 2.You've also elevated her above the other girl you've just mentioned, which takes care of the bruised ego she might've had at suggesting that you wanted to keep her a secret It makes you a team and keeps the interaction in that “just you and her” bubble that you've already created with your hidden move.Alternately, if she agrees with your discretion frame immediately, then she’s already on your team and you're good to go (no other reassurances required). Why is this important? It's important because it can help disarm objections she may have about hooking up with you; namely, protecting her reputation, and the feeling she may have that she is just another number (which increasingly becomes an issue when you start to become more known as a lady-killer), but it’s also important because it allows you to work more girls in the social circle later on - it’s not only about the interaction at hand. If you don’t set a discretion frame before taking the interaction into sexual territory then don't lambaste yourself, it's not absolutely necessary... but it helps (sometimes lots). Taking the Escalation Further What to do next? You have to isolate her. You should never really be kissing, a girl in front of other people from your social circle (or, heaven forbid, doing anything further than kissing in front of them). Again, this allows you to work other girls in the social circle more easily following the current sexual adventure because while you might spike their attraction and jealousy by going with a girl in front of them, they'll probably have more objections to you hooking up with them after. The best way to do avoid this chaos with your circle and your girl is to invite her home or to a place where you and her will feel more comfortable getting sexual. Upon her consent to getting alone with you, verbal or nonverbal, this can be a good place to deliver your explicit discretion frame if you haven't already. GunThen you leave discreetly. At the most tension-filled of times that can be round the back of the house at a party or more usually at one of your houses. As you can probably start to see there is a certain synergy to all of this. It becomes a risqué game that you're BOTH playing on the rest of social circle. If it’s not possible to isolate her in this situation or you miss the chance to then simply invite her over in the following days. Since she already knows you in a social way she’ll likely feel comfortable enough to come straight to your house. Again, Chase has covered how to do this - see the articles on how to text girlsfor more on setting this up. As the more advanced guys will probably know this formula doesn’t have to be followed to the letter. If you feel that the interaction is solid enough without a hidden move or an overt sexual escalation you can simply invite her to hang out with you alone anyway. What's important here is discretion. Again, there are factors outside of this interaction between you and her that you can use to facilitate isolation and make her really want to come home with you. We'll be getting into that more in the reputation management article. Escalating with Social Circle Girls Okay lads, so we've gone into the best way to escalate in social circle... Let’s have a brief re-cap: Flirt with all girls in social circle (sans the ones with boyfriends). Keep it light Use an inner frame that matches the outside reality of how you're acting e.g. “I can have any girl in the social circle, and if you arouse my interest then | might take you home” Use a hidden move to take one of these light interactions further in a discrete manner so you can minimise rejection and the social ramifications of rejection, and help along future interactions by being all secret Set discretion frames to help her feel safer in getting sexual with you and to manage your reputation for future interactions Isolate her to move forward the interaction once you're at the appropriate point Use Chase's guides to inviting her over and getting her to bed A parting note - | don't mean to get overly moralistic with you guys, but it helps if you believe that discretion is a good thing. Sometimes it can be hard for a girl to ex- press herself sexually because of the truckload of societal condition- ing lumped on her back. Perhaps the biggest ob- jection girls from social circle will have is that they don’t want to be perceived as a hussy or just another number.They have their reputation within the group to think about.This objection exists more strongly in the social circle world than it does in the cold approach world because there are fewer social ramifications if a girl hooks up with a stranger, since she’s able to more easily keep it secret and not have it tarnish her social reputation. A girl who sleeps around a bit in her social circle is more often labelled a slut than a girl who may have slept with more people but outside her social groups. So treat her nicely, be discreet and don’t be a meanie afterwards. Not saying you will be, but it’s worth putting yourself in her shoes for just a second. Written by Peter Fontes And that’s a wrap for today. Tune in next time to find out how to manage your reputation post-seduction and how to help you grow that reputation so it makes working your social circles even easier. You read Girls Chase, so you're obviously quite clever, which means you've probably already started to notice how strongly reputation plays into my social circle know-how. This next article will really complement what you've just read and you'll begin to see the whole thing really coming together. If there are some of you reading this thinking, “Ok, this is all well and good, but there aren’t really any girls in my social circle,” then don’t despair. I'll be going over extended social circle and how to get access to yours in a future article. ‘Til next time, pals. Pete The social circle series continues in “Killer Reputation Management for Your Social Circle.” me Peter Fontes is an Australian world traveler who specializes in a mix of social circle and cold approach pickup. He’s spent a large amount of time picking up women in Europe and Russia, and enjoys bold, explicit, sexual game that puts women on their heels... and makes them curl their toes. He presently lives in Brisbane.ALCS TH DTU Alt WWW.PDFMAGAZINES.ORGIf 95% of all males don’t know about sites like this... How do they eventually end up with a girl, having little to no ‘game’?’ | THINK | know the answer. I’m assuming someone will say “they pick someone who is good enough, and live average ever after”. HOWEVER, If girls have SO many options, why do they pick someone that in return is average? Do they pick someone they are comfortable/familiar with, even though they aren't the greatest choice? - pickupq123 | think that the whole seduction is quite overrated, it mostly helps guys who have some underlying difficulties with girls such as shyness or so. Once the guy gets little bit more comfortable with girls he realizes that he doesnt really need that many skills to get a good girl. There already exist natural attraction between man and woman, you can't really “create” the attraction with some skills, it is already there. You put decent clothes on, take care of yourself little bit, perhaps exercise to keep fit, and then simply talk to more girls... You show that you like life, that you have something to live for and that you stand for something, you stop watching porn - and you will naturally get many girls without knowing anything about seduction. Knowing the seduction stuff of course helps, it gives you the understanding of what is going on in the background, it fine-tunes your skills with girls, but the bottom line remains the same - if you want to get girls you have to go out and talk to them... The problem in todays society is the men in general became mentally and physically weaker. It used to be that most men had to do physical work for living while today many have desk jobs. Office work is of course more comfortable, unfortunatelly by not moving we became more obese, and what more, we lost levels of testosterone and other hormones. Once you have higher levels it is much easier to talk to girls, you simply have bigger balls and are not so sensitive to rejections... When you have “bigger balls” your life becomes easier. You dont have problems with talking to girls, date them and have sex with them. You dont have problems with doing different activities, sports, business... You are more optimistic, you are more creative and active, you are more of a natural leader... All this is attractive, you are simply a man that modt women seek to be around...The question is, how to become that man (assuming that you are not)... You can imitate the attraction, you can copy what successful men do, you can learn all the seduction skills... Or you can simply work on becomming The Man... Girls have it difficult too, they want to chose “the right one”, meaning man who fits most of her expectations... Who is somehow outgoing, sexy, physically fit, has friends and access to resources, who is not uptight about sex, simply a man who. other girls want as well... She also wants to “con- trol” that guy, meaning she wants to be the one who holds the cards in the relationship. It may be quite a difficult combination to find in one guy because many of these characteristics are in contradiction. For example she may have much more fun with guy who wants sex only and is knowledgable about seduction, but because she is now older she prefers more stable guy who is not so exciting but is rather reliable provider for her potential kids. She knows that guy who is more attractive but wilder is more difficult to control in comparison to guy who is milder - so she choses the milder one because she can control him. She may also feel that the guy has knowledge about girls or seduction, which may be quite exciting on one side, but on the other she will chose someone without knowledge because he doesn't have many choices thus will likely be more faithful to her... It all depends... -DRCK | met a guy in Hungary who was from New York, who had a big problem with these sorts of web- sites, and communities about seduction and women, etc. Basically, | think it is true that 95% of guys don’t go out to websites like this for self development, but these guys are then again, smart enough to realize the numbers game. They keep on pushing, and know that when they fuck up, they can analyze their fuck up, and then next time, if encountered with the exact same problem, will hit a home run. Or if different, will do better. They also have friends to fall back on for advice.But as the previous poster said, this community is good to help people with their sticking points, hence, all these questions in the generals section ;) In conclusion, you are right, HENCE, why the divorce rate is so GD high. HENCE, why so many guys have problems with women and how all they want is their GD money. HENCE, it ain’t too tricky as long as you’re working on yourself, not being too self conscious about working on yourself, and making sure you don’t let a women take you for granted (and control you). Speaking from a lot of things I've learned in the past couple weeks. -Godsninja Exactly, that’s the whole illusion. She wants you to think that they settle for nice guys when it’s actually resources from “nice guys”, and sleeping with “bad boys”. The whole thing is a mess. -Zacadam Because most women are pretty average themselves? It is a bell-curve. Just because they are women dont automatically make them all reside in the top spectrum of the curve. :) - Gonzaleth Hello there! Awoman’s beauty is quite short-lived. Her peak is generally at age 20-30. Us men have the advantage here, as we have the ability to still look very good until, say, age 50 ;) So, when she’s past her peak and her beauty slowly dwindles, she realizes that herSexual Market Value is also decreasing. Thus, she just tries to finda good-enough man she can trade sex for security with (marriage). Another factor might be that all the highly desirable mates are all not interested in monogamy, out playing the field, or have settled themselves. Cheers! - Rafox You know, people who taught the stuff back in the late 1990s and 2000s, fig- ured this out on their own. And other guys have figured it out too...they just don't care to write about it, or don’t want to share the knowledge. Of the 5% of guys who read this stuff, | bet 90% don’t even act on it. And of the ten percent who do, easily more than 50% (probably a lot more) do a very, very bad job of it. But people aren't stupid. If you engage the world enough, you'll figure things out on your own.And the girls and boy who are settling on “average” usually aren't. They engaged the world and tested the waters enough to know where they belong, or know the life they want to live and the partner they need to live it. The only person who will probably end up settling in life is the one who stays behind his computer all day long as his life passes him by. - Metomeya | always thought getting a gf is hard, but after | started meeting women just about everywhere, | think it’s not as hard as everyone complained it to be. A girl doesn't really have that many options. u need to keep in mind that she wants a sexy and attractive man, which is pretty rare if uask me. She'll have a lot of orbiters to give her validations, but not men who know what they want and go after it. Sure, sex is not in scarcity for her, but she also needs other stuff in life that only a strong man can provide too. Just ask any couple how they met, it would most likely be through social circle or work. It's in women’s nature to build a family, and she only has about 20 years to find aman, so time is running out fast for her than it is for us men. | also blame internet porn, which is what’s stopping most guys to go out and meet girls, and also the media for telling men to supplicate. | cringe every time | watch a romantic movie. ( | swear watching too many of these can brain wash you into a beta male. Just watch it occasionally to get a good laugh out of it) So back to your question, even if most guys know about sites like this, they won't believe it because it goes against what the society has been telling them. -smithHow to Not Fall in Love (Too Soon) by Ricardus DominoNote from Chase: we’ve had a lot of requests on the site recently asking for more information on relationships - and we realize that's a gap here. Only a handful of the posts on the blog deal with relationships, and none of the programs on offer here do. So, we're working on correcting that - I’m writing a__ relationship book that I’m quite confident is going to blow most guys’ relationship thinking out of the water, and in the meantime we’re trying to get more posts up on GirlsChase.com about the topic. Ricardus has just sent me a batch of perhaps 7 posts dealing explicitly with. relationships, and over the next few weeks I'll be (Felting those up on is the first one of those posts, on “how to not fall soon)... enjoy. ere. This in love’ (at least, not too Tell me if you can relate to this... You've met a girl that is somehow pulling all the right strings with you ( and if not, this article will teach you how to find, meet, get and keep her). You don’t know what it is with her (or maybe you DO), but she’s got your heart atwitter and your mind in a knot just thinking about her. Your hard work has paid off... and you've hooked up with a girl who’s. EXACTLY your type... both in terms of looks and personality. Things couldn’t be much better... except, all the confidence and inner strength you had worked so hard to cultivate over the years are suddenly RIGHT out the window. Maybe you're even in a place where you know you could go out and pick up other girls if you wanted to, so it’s not an issue of scarcity (e.g., your girlfriend being hard to replace)... maybe you've had a lot of one-night stands, friends-with-benefits or open relationships before. And in those situations, you've always been cool... coolio like Fonzie. But around your new girl-friend, you’re suddenly weak at the knees. ESPECIALLY when something happens that gives you room for doubt... doubt whether she's really as much into you as you are into her. What causes this, and what can you DO about it?Ah, Love: Old Insecurities, Cree As we've discussed in the article on relationship control, the feeling of being infatuated or even in love with someone is biochemically linked to the feeling ofbeing out of control. The very reason why people fall in love with each other is that they don’t initially know where they stand with the person they’re with. Once you show her that she OWNS. you... that's it. She'll lose the thrill of the chase, and start to “fall out of love”... And this goes both ways. Maybe you already know about that, and maybe you're always extra careful not to show her how much you like her... and especially, not to show her your fear that you might like her more than she likes you. You don't just need to know how to avoid acting like you're head-over-heels in love... you need to know how not to fall in love in the first place... at least, not fall in love too much. But this behavior is just another level of the same problem... it stems from the same basic, underlying insecurity. ’t Check Your Phone Now | I You KNOW you're in trouble if you’re constantly checking your phone to see if she’s messaged you. You know exactly what I’m talking about if you’ve been there... And if you have, the simple solution is to CHILL OUT. Don't let it get to you if she isn’t texting you all the time... keep in mind, girls play THE GAME too. They read all about how to manipulate a guy’s feelings in Cosmopolitan and a few dozen other magazines... they learn it from the soap operas they watch on TV and from the romance novels they read while you're watching porn... Chances are she’s checking her phone just as obsessively as you are. In any case... CHILL! | can assure you that this problem passes with experience and with the right mindset... years ago | would sometimes check my phone every half hour when | had a crush on a girl. It's not something that can’t be overcome... now, if anything, girls ask ME why *I* haven't texted back Let me show you the light.How to Not Fall in Love: Abun MCT eli ay | I So where did that abundance mindset go that you spent so much time and effort cultivating? How come there are all these girls around, but this ONE, for some reason, has suddenly become so important that your abundance has morphed into suffocating scarcity over night? Why is it you can’t stop thinking about her - what's so special about her? It is because women who trigger these kinds of feelings in you really ARE scarce... make no mistake about it. Maybe the thought will even creep into your head that “you will never find a girl like her again.” Well pal, | have good news and bad news... which one do you want first? Okay... The bad news is that you’re absolutely right. She really IS a unique little snow flake, there are NO other girls like her anywhere and you will NEVER find a girl just like her again. Bam! Now, for the good news. Have you ever seen that poster on despair.com that says: “Always remember... you're special. Just like everybody else.”Individuality Always Remember that You Are Unique. Just Like Everybody Else. That REALLY is the truth. While there are no other girls out there that are exactly like her, there ARE three billion women out there that are unique in their OWN ways... Every girl is so intriguing and fascinating in her own way that | can’t imagine NOT having broken up with (a.k.a. “lost’) my first girlfriend. Christ, | can’t fathom what | would have missed out on over the years... So keep that in mind, and also do keep your options open a bit. Talk to girls where you see them you don't need to cheat on your new girlfriend, but you KNOW she’s getting approached by guys, so it’s only fair that you should have a flirt with a girl here and there as well. The root cause of neediness is ALWAYS a lack of (perceived) options. And if you want to not fall in love and lose your edge with that amazing new girl, you need to keep those options open.Did you know that being “in love” has been likened to a psychosis by scientists? Biochemically, it is a very similar process... and in many ways, you are pretty much on drugs when you have a crush on someone. See the Los Angeles Times’ in-depth piece on “Brains in Love” for a sound tour-de- force of the science behind this. One might say you are unfit to plead in a court of law... and definitely unfit to make any important decisions about your relationship (or even about your text messages) at this point. Here's a parachute, a life line, if you will, that you should make FREQUENT use of... fatuated Are you freaking out? Checking your phone every thirty minutes and thinking about writing her again... because she hasn't replied yet to the text you sent her TWO HOURS ago? Sheesh... she’s probably busy at work, dude! Relax! Call your wingman instead... your buddy you go out to meet girls with He has a clear head... he can think straight, and view things more objectively and from a distance. He’ll slap the idea of sending her another text out of you pretty quickly. Watch this clip and let the lyrics sink inaT CCB OL: fy Whoa... the R word... out of Ricardus’s mouth? The guy who always talks about how to date multiple women? | know, calm down... | haven't always been the kind of guy who exclusively does non-exclusive deals... In fact, I've been in several long and very fulfilling monogamous relationships before... and | know that can be one of the greatest things this life has to offer. Being in love with a girl who’s also in love with you? The greatest rush this side of Eden... while it lasts. But, you need to set things up right... and you need to strike the right balance. When you first get into a relationship with a girl you have a crush on, you need to know how to not fall in love - at least not before she’s in love with you too;you obviously can’t be a weak push-over who calls her five times a day and rolls over when she gives the command. She'll lose all respect for you - and all attraction as well. On the other hand, however, a lot of the rules you've learned about dating go RIGHT out of the window as well... there does come a point when it's time to drop the “game”, if you ever hope to establish a good, open communication line and trust with your girl. Fea In dating, a lot of this “tip toe” dance goes on, where one person slips forward a step and then the other person goes forward, and so forth.... It's part of the fun, and you both don't really let on to your attraction until the other person has really won you over. Once you are in love though, the game changes and you need to start being more authentic... because everything else runs contrary to a great relationship.Pecingauthentio Most people are not 100% open with their hearts... but if you want to be in an exclusive relationship, the right confident kind of vulnerability can actually serve to make you MORE attractive — IF it is done right. It is also the main thing you need to address in HER, as she will likely be afraid to wear her heart on her sleeve, too. You see, here’s the thing. Everything could be really simple, in theory. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. When did it all get so complicated? Well, the problem is that we've all been hurt in the past... and so most people act out of fear. Everybody has baggage from previous relationships, from their childhood or their relationships with their parents, and it overshadows and complicates the intimacy they COULD experience today if they were only able to truly let go of the past One girl | used to date put it this way: “The first time one falls in love is always the best... because there are no scars yet, and no fear... so we allow ourselves to love fully, without reservations and without playing any games.” The problem, however, is that this baggage lies in the subconscious and therefore, below the level of our awareness. But if you can get over your own past, and allow yourself to love fully and yet be completely OUTCOME INDEPENDENT, then you will be able create an intensity in the relationship that makes women just crazy for you. DISCLAIMER: It is absolutely cruel to do this without loving intentions. Don’t do it with a girl that you aren't absolutely crazy about yourself... you can mess up years of her life and she will spend them pining for you. Don’t hurt a girl, and don’t lead women on. There's no need to hurt girls or lead them on about your intentions... if you only want a casual thing, she'll probably be fine with it... so long as you're honest about it.| | One common piece of advice in the world of dating and seduction is to simply push a girl away from you, and she will want you even more for it. One “guru” even went so far as to. saying that other guys are like rubber... if you push your girl onto them, she will bounce right back at you. And that is true... but only to a point. I've seen it happen several times that a guy told his girlfriend — “Hey, if you want to leave me for another guy, just go for it” He probably thought it made him look really secure in himself and like he didn’t need her... but this is not how not to fall in love. It’s a fool's gambit played by a man who's trying to appear in control when he knows he isn’t. In all cases where I’ve seen that happen - where the guy told the girl, “Hey, if you want to leave me for,” the girl took the green light and went ahead and cheated on the guy with somebody else eventually (me). It is essential to strike a balance... neither too needy, nor too indifferent.Or, in the words of David Shade: “A good man is exciting without being reckless... considerate without being boring... macho without being uninteresting... intelligent without being bland... and dominant without being demanding.” If that sounds like nothing more than an empty cliché to you, use these words on a woman some time... | once sent this exact line to a female friend of mine over instant messenger, and she was about ready to hop on a plane to come see me afterwards. Even a year later she still brought it up to me... because, as she said, “your words were strong.” Never underestimate the power of words... and never underestimate the attractiveness of a man who unites both sides of the yin and yang in his personality! Onward and upward, - Ricardus UPDATE: read the next article in the relationship series right here: How to Stop Playing Games (in Your Relationship). Written by Ricardus Domino @ ey Ricardus Domino has been studying and practicing seduction since 2002. Originally from Germany, he’s lived all over Europe, in North and South America, and Asia. Credits to his name include dating a Miss World contestant, a Coca-Cola model, and one of “Brazil's Next Top Models.” He's currently running a business in the language-learning space, tar- geting individuals interested in learning their first second language.ay N\ How to Pick Up Girls: The Success Factor, Part Il by Ricardus DominoRice Celt CT Id toa Ae) as) OM (ve OM aa ele) Girls: The Success Factor. Be sure to renal a oR Lael) CCU CMU RST ere} Factor, Part | first ele) mi -rle eR UL) Vole enon EVEr lel For the longest time, | believed in “game” as the most important factor in picking up girls myself... and | invested a lot of time working mostly on that part of the equation. And | got pretty damn good at it. The more experiences you make in the real world, however, the more likely you are to run into guys who apparently have no game to speak of, yet have a magic vibe that makes even the most idiotic lines work for them And once | came to that realization, | decided to focus all my efforts on decoding this piece of the puzzle. | was going to reverse engineer this X-factor like a mad scientist. | had some theories; | thought it must have a lot to do with how you FEEL about yourself and your life. Not just state, since state is something temporary... it had to be something much, much deeper than that; and something very subtle. State is how you feel RIGHT NOW. Whereas this magical vibe seemed to have something to do with how you feel about EVERYTHING. About your life, your status, your wealth, your future and your social connections. How happy you are, and how much you feel like you're in control of your life and in the flow with everything. That was, however, just a theory... | had to dig deeper.How to Pick Up Girls: The Foundation One thing that is very obvious about the men who have this magic charm is that they are VERY comfortable in their own skin. They don’t display any signs of insecurity... and they are not faking that, either. It's real... and it flows from adeep knowing within. We humans, in general, tend to do best at anything when we're completely comfortable with whatever it is we're doing. | once had the great fortune of getting to ask an internationally famous musician about this topic — | asked him, what is the secret of performing artists who never make any mistakes on stage? We're all just human, after all... and to err is human His response was — they play songs that are EASY for them. mistake Even a lower intermediate piano student will be able to play “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ without making any mistakes... because his real skill level is much higher than the song he is performing requires. People who seem to never make any mistakes have reached a level where the songs they're performing are ridiculously easy to them They are 100% comfortable with what they're doing. And just like you need to be very comfortable with a song in order to play it well, you need to be very comfortable with your own life to live it well. This is what creates this deep knowing within... that sense of certainty that women can pick up on from men with that magic vibe we're talking about. and NeThe Three Pillars of Life Mastery Now, in order to feel completely comfortable with your life, you need to feel like you're in charge of things. You need to feel like you're controlling events, and not that events are controlling you. It really helps if you can feel, in your gut, that everything is okay, and that you will be able to handle any challenge that life might throw at you. So what exactly does that mean — “everything is okay"? On the most basic level, that means that all your needs and desires are met. Self-actualization Esteem Physiological And if you look at the famous “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs”, you can quickly deduct that all the needs we need to meet fall into one of the following three categories: Health, Wealth and Relationships. Does that mean that you need to be a millionaire with an Adonis body and a harem of ten playmates? Is that what it takes to feel so comfortable with your life that you will project this magical aura we're talking about here? Well, maybe. morality, creativity, ‘spontaneit problem solving, lack of prejudice, of factsThe degree to which you have to meet these needs in order to feel comfortable with your life varies greatly from person to person. Some people are totally broke, but they don't have any worries about money because they don’t value financial abundance very highly. Other people have a six-figure income and are still stressed about their financial future. This explains why sometimes a car mechanic who lives from paycheck to paycheck can ooze a vibe of being in charge of his life... while an entrepreneur who rolls in twenty million a year might be totally depressed because he can’t make the 100 million he thinks he should be making. What are your needs? How much money do you need to fee! comfortable with your life? What kind of shape do you need your body to be in to feel sexually comfortable with your clothes off? What kind of social network do you need to feel well connected? aa In order to project that you're completely comfortable in your own skin, which is an important foundation of the X-Factor, your reality needs to match your blueprint for what your life should look like. You either have to adjust your reality to your expectations, i.e. become successful enough to be able to say... yes... I've made it. My life is exactly the way | want it to be. Or, if that's not possible — at least not in the short term — you have to adjust your expectations to be able to say... I’m okay as | am right now, and even though I’m still improving my situation, my life is already good enough as it is. Success breeds confidence... so build a life that allows you to feel successful in all three areas.Treille The next piece of the charisma puzzle is this: emotions are contagious. | have mentioned this in a previous post — since we humans are social animals, we have evolved mechanisms that allow us to pick up on other people’s emotions. And not only do we notice them, we also automatically mirror them... and experience them ourselves! When you’re around somebody who is angry, it is very easy to get sucked into that person’s emotional state and feel angry too. Another example - when you're in a church or temple full of people who are in contemplation, you might begin to feel a sense of serenity yourself. If somebody is always in such a good mood that they make you feel good just by being around them, you will want to be around them more in order to feel these emotions more. And in the same way, women gravitate to men who can create certain emotional states in themselves and transfer these states to them. People who have the “X-Factor” consistently FEEL emotions that other people want to feel. Women pick up on these emotions, and it draws them to these men like moths to the light. So the two big questions are 1. What emotions do Master Casanovas experience and transfer to the women they’re seducing? One hint: What emotions do you want her to experience? There is a rule in NLP: “You Go First.” Induce in yourself the emotions you want others to feel. Can you see how simple this makes everything? If you can make yourself feel completely relaxed, women will tend to relax around you. And if you can make yourself feel highly sexual and aroused, chances are women will experience the same emotional state — provided you do it in the right context. We will explore all of this in more depth later, particularly which emotions are best suited for the purpose of meeting, dating and seducing women. In the meantime, the second question is this: 2. How EXACTLY can you induce any emotions in yourself CONSISTENTLY? How can you control your own emotional state — is that even possible?If you ask 10 people on the street whether they have control over their own emotions and whether they can choose how they feel or whether feelings are something that happens to them, most of them will likely tell you that they don’t have a great deal of control over their emotions at all. There is a reason why this seems. difficult — but if you understand this reason, you can use a strategy that circumvents it. And with some practice, you can gain almost total control over your own emotions. Keep reading.State Control When “Pickup Artists” talk about state, they often mean how you feel when you're out at the club, looking to pick up women. They usually say that they're either “in state” or “out of state”. The state they refer to is not what we're looking for in this context. They usually mean being high-energy and sociable... and they may even approach several groups of people just to “warm up” and get into this state This can be effective in order to overcome approach anxiety and to become more extroverted... in fact, if you do it a couple of times, you might suddenly experience AA s “approach addiction” and feel the desire to approach more and more strangers. However, this state is not helpful to build the X-Factor, as it floods your blood with a ton of adrenaline and can easily make you come across as hyper... especially during the day, it will be counterproductive and hurt more than it helps. You want to be a sexual man... not a hyper man. If you manage to get girls to respond to you in this state, this will be based on ATTENTION, not based on ATTRACTION... in other words, reactions instead of results. I've experienced this state myself and it almost feels like a cocaine rush... you think that you're the SHIT! In the meantime, everybody else is just wondering what in the world you have been smoking. It is also not true state control at all, since you’re still drawing your state from the environment... you're not creating the state you want from within, but rather you're relying on the people around you as a crutch in order to influence how you feel Rather than switching from an introverted state to a hyperactive state that almost resembles being on drugs, and doing so by relying on other people, we want to develop a high degree of INTERNAL state control, where we can make ourselves feel any emotion we want... without relying on ANYTHING external at all. Sounds impossible? It is not... and | will prove it to youYour Brain Has a Hardware Conflict! If you've studied any evolutionary psychology, you may have come across the “Triune Brain Model”. In essence, it explains that the human brain evolved in phases. 1. The first animals to leave the water were reptiles, and their brains were very primitive survival machines. They only processed simple instinctual responses, such as eat, fight, flee and procreate. 2. The next stage of evolution were mammals... they have more complex brains that are capable of emotions, but these evolved ON TOP OF the reptile brain and still contain the more primitive instincts underneath their more sophisticated neurology capable of bonding and building social structures. 3. Finally, we humans evolved, and our brain is the most intricate on this planet so far. We are the first to have a third version of this brain, the neocortex. It is our rational mind, it is the part that allows us to think logically and make conscious decisions. Just like mammals also have the reptilian brain, we humans actually have all three of them, because they evolved on top of each other. We have: 1. The reptilian brain, which is our PHYSICAL brain... it is responsible for our more primitive instincts. 2. The mammalian brain, which is our EMOTIONAL brain... it handles our feelings and social bonds. 3. The neocortex, which is our LOGICAL brain... the part of the grey matter we actually “think” with. Now, as a rule, older brains are stronger than younger brains. That means that if something is threatening your life, if there is immediate danger, your reptile instinct will kick in IMMEDIATELY. Any thoughts and emotions you were having previously get “switched off’ and you're in fight or flight mode. The reptile brain has overpowered the other two brains. By the same token, your emotions will usually overpower your logic. Marketers know that we make decisions based on emotions and then rationalize them later... if you would like to know more about this topic, look up “self-deception or “confabulation” on Wikipedia. As you can imagine, at any one time, the three different brains might have three different needsThis is what creates a lot of internal conflict and friction, and it makes it difficult to be in control of our emotions simply by willing ourselves into feeling an emotion... or to disregard instinctual behaviors that would have helped us survive 20,000 years ago but that are counterproductive in the 21st century. The biggest challenge is that it is very hard to influence the mammalian brain directly. It is almost impossible to simply decide to have an emotion without a little detour through the other two brains. The good news, however, is that there IS a detour. If you know exactly HOW to use your neocortex and your reptile brain, you can influence your mammalian brain indirectly, THROUGH the other two... and THAT is the secret to choosing your emotions... and to creating any feeling inside yourself that you want. I'll go into exactly what that path to influence is next week, in Part Ill... stay tuned. Onward and upward, - Ricardus Written by Ricardus Domino Ricardus Domino has been studying and practicing seduction since 2002. Originally from Germany, he’s lived all over Europe, in North and South America, and Asia. Credits to his name include dating a Miss World contestant, a Coca-Cola model, and one of “Brazil's Next Top Models.” He's currently running a business in the language-learning space, tar- geting individuals interested in learning their first second language.