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CHARACTERS ce CB’S SISTER ae DOG SEES GOD: rie CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE BLOCKHEAD vy Birk V Real (E208 “DEAR PEN PAL’ BEETHOVEN MARCY TRICIA VAN'S SISTER Lights up on a bandkome, however currently sullen, teenager His name is CB. CB. Dear Pen Pal. I know it been a few years since I last wrove you. Thope youte stil there. Pm nor sure you ever were. never got {ny lewers back from you when I was a kid. But in a way it was sways very therapeutic. Everyone els judges everything I say. And ere you ate: some anonymous person who never says “boo.” Maybe you just read my lewers and laughed or maybe you dda’ ‘ead my letters or maybe you donit even exis. It was prety eustrat- -ng when I was young, but now I'm glad that you won' respond. Just listen. Thac's what I want. (Beat) My dog died. I donit know you remember, but I had a beagle. He was @ good dog. My best ‘end, [d had him as far back as I could remember, but one day ast month, I went out to feed him and he didnt come bounding Dut of his red doghouse like usual, I called his name. Bue no -esponsc. knelt down and called out his name, Still nothing. 1 “ooked in the doghoute. There was blood everywhere, Cowering in the comer was my dog. His eyes were wild and there was an exces- sive amount of saliva coming out of his mouth, Hle was wnrecog. sizable, Both frightened and frightening ar che same time. The | slood belonged to alittle yellow bird that had always been around, My dog and the bird used to play together. Ina strange way it was, almost like they were bes fiends. I know that sounds stupid, but ‘Anyway, the bird had been mangled. Ripped apart. By my dog. ‘When he saw chat I could see what hed done, his face changed £0 6 7 i ee sadness and he let out 2 sound char fle like the word “help.” 1 feached my hand into his doghouse. I know ic was a dumb thing to do, bute looked like he needed me. His jaws snapped. jerked ‘my hand away before he could bite me. My parents called a center tnd they came and took him away. Later that day, hey put him co sleep. They gave me his corpse ina cardboard box. When my dog died, chat was when the ain cloud came back and everything went to ell... (CBE sister enters wearing what can only be described as 6 het... > Sout Dow PnPitin’e ( \Sne a Shor. Une She “CANIS EXEQUIAE” (CB and bis sister are standing beside each other and staring at the wooden cra. A lang silence pases. She taker a box of Cigarettes out of her purse (her is shaped lke a coffin) and aff one 10 him. CB, Mom wil kill you if she sees you smoking CB'S SISTER. (Lighting she cigereite,) We e does, hope you'll have the decency to pga me in a rmerery eather than the backyard. (Anothe IN silence you think we should say prayer or something™ CB. I guess SBS SISTER. Okay. You can say it CB, I don't wane wo. BSS SISTER. Well, neither do I! CB. dons know what co say. B'S SISTER. Oh, stop being so melodramatic, Charles. No one’s asking for a eulogy. Justa simple prayer. Ask the Earth to warch ‘over him. Or something, (CB, He dead, Theres nota whole lor ofthat necessary CB'S SISTER. You're so morbid. What about his nexe lif? | think wwe should pray to Hecate and ask her to make him a human. Someone we meet and become friends with. CB. Wha? CB'S SISTER. Hecate is the goddess of death, She also a goddess 8 ofreincamation, Is Wicean 8, Ob, vo youre Wicean ths week? Glad ha cleared up. eae eap your pesonaies straight Las week, you go with fiend vo NGfpue church, come home and proccd to cll Mom, Dad and for tat wee ging ts bell because we watch TV. A mere NINE DAYS LATER youte Eira, Mises ofthe Dak. We cat keep tp with you! FIND. ANC IDENTITY. GHSSISTER Youre one el! (G3. Whar could you posibly mean by thc Tim aways che same! ESSSISTEIC Venomonly) hack sothing re bag abou (Dear) Tisedrop i okay? You don ell me how tive my eand I wont telyou ow tre yur Sine) CB" Thoughe thee be a bigger urmout (She ie im a fmny Be ctl car Pious ied fm fs thovghe people would ataly show up to pay tei spect CBSSISTER. You invied our fends! CB. A few GBS SISTER. You ae 0 embarrasig! (GB. Youve dees lke the rie of Frankenstein and f embar- ring? GS SISTER. Shut up about my des! EB. (Sere voc of) Thi no the way he would've waned his finer CBSSISTER H aad lick themes jes faking dog (6B, yak Wel, he was MY fucking B'S SISTER. He as my fucking dog, , He never liked you CB's SISTER, suppose he tld you this (CB. He didn have to It was apparent, He barely cleated you. CBS SISTER. That you CB, Big ls GB's SISTER. Youre a dickhead, CB, (Ch. (Exploding JUST SAY YOUR FUCKING PRAYER! (Long ue) ES'S SISTER. He was you fucking dog, You fcking ay it. (She s+ Digcre. (Car Sparen FeDOG, Charles. They shi on the gry feremony is probably not key here. Hi 0, fuck you. uc you! (Beat) “NIRVANA” (CB and Van sit om the sad remnant of a brick wall. Van it smoking a joins, He offers it 9 CB. YVAN. You wanna hit chi? Cb. No Thank VAN. (Smiling) i kind bud, You sure, man? CB. Nah Tm god YVAN, ve Been meaning ot you — Tm sory about your do CB. Thankasebalerory ai sheet tg VAN. He wae good dog CB. Yeah. Hews YAY Dat he wa ol ea ng ps is ine Sll— ews good dog. I tuly wanted vo come to your funeral party thingy, Bur was wating ona dlvey from the Doobets CB. Whar do you think happens hen we dit YVAN. Do you mean ike, oT blo in heaven? CB. Yeh. VAN. Na, man. m2 Bais CB. Since whent VAN, es Kind of anew development CB, Well, whac do Buddhins bre happens when you di? VAN, Bua beleed tac one of to teigs happens Ether you arercbom or you dolve io neshingnse Oday enough, the. Imrispanisment and he ate eva. We Bais belie ha the corporeal boy isthe source ofall srng and a beraton From the body ine nethingness ox nian, heck way gs CCB. Done you find tha depressing? VAN. Liberation’ CB, Nothingness VAN Tekinke Ti kind of ike 0 be nothingness, Because even ashing something sigh? (esi is bende CB.) What a Holding in my hand? CB, Noshig, VAN. One would sy tha, yx Burin that nothingness isa thou: sand things right Parkland atoms and tens of thousands fF 10 things chat we might not even know about yet. I could be holding jn my hand the secrets of the universe and che answers to every- GB. You'e soned VAN. Damn snight, (CB laugh) Why this inerest in the afer Tig Is his abou your dog? GB. Jos curious VAN. Due, we ll have ro let go of things fiom our childhood. Do you remember when you and my ster burned my blanket to teach me tha? GB. Yeah, Leas only eo months ago. IFT known that it would Ted her being — well I wouldnt have ler her do AN. Iva 0 pised at you guys. (GB. The thing as fuckin nasty man VAN. (Pied) Sul. Yall ck {CBT think you were about o make a point VAN. Tes? CB, Nevermind. | think L goc i VAN. My poinis, Chuck Bhat ie — ie does go on. ven with. fat the things thar have been thet sine the beginning, The things that we think define ws, dont mean shit in the grand scheme oF things. Us defines us. Not things or other peopl or pets. Like, me Without my Blanket — irs sil me. [mise my fuckin: blanket, though. Thac wack thing y'all dd GB. ‘Tree words for you ro (One finger) P Lice (Thre finger.) Infeation. VAN. Coulve ben fed CB. Hey we lex you kp the ashes AN. Tsmoked “m. CB. You what? AN. [rolled “em with some good her and smoked that sic up CB. That’ ck. YAN. Now, my blanker and 1 ae like one forte. CB. That's eiouly disturbed, daw. YAN, Wall handle grein differene ways. CB. Cart be good for you VAN. Dude! Showed you two! Tryin! ro mest wth my sie. HAL CB. Hey, how is your sister doing? VAN. Shes good. The doctors say tha she geting bewer (Beat) Dama, [mis hat inch, CB. Sodol, (To fingers) VAN. This convertor é sa major downer, amigo, Ded Inger bunng anes: E a sour seeing ape CB. Like what? (They sit in silence. The lights fide slowly out.) Cue: While Feadimy Squr: Uitercinb San Volume: 8S" Strap: Unk CONT TERE SWINE LIVE” Coe! Lights out EXE ct! School Set NEG aeIs0/ am are ea Ean Serer aren awe party on Saturday? open: Cetera mani a youre all “into her.” Y'know I'm sayin’? (He humps the air. De eae re and ‘That's rough. Be Tere ee Seen annie ee Se or ore Ser eee aera Sipe a ee Page) Ua hae td Sarr aren set Sa uae er aT Saleh ingots pai annals ea ate erat thats bigger than you are Right? ee eet ae pple hates eprops R (CB. Right, (He pul ut bag of coke and dees bump.) MATT. You wane (CB. No, Thanks. (He shoves the bag back nt bis pocket) MACE Singing operascally 10 the tune of Handel “Hallelyiah Chorus) | LOVE PUSSY! I love pussy! Pus! Pass! (Beethoven mrs walking acros the age, caring scoolbooks. He rel is ot paar a be pas) Speaking of psy. (To Betoun.) What the Fick are you foking it, cocksucker? (To CB.) Did you see che way that fuckin faggot just Toked at me? (Shouting 1 Beethoven a be fs) You fuck Fry, (l kck your fuckin as fuckin hate that IHL (CBS ster charges one and pubes Mats. This time she wear ing ‘gangia bith are) CBSSISTER, Leave him alos Why ar you so mea thin? MATT. (Condeendingy) Arent you missing the Barbie Tea Par? (BS SISTER. Why are you SUCH a DICK2! MATT, What was tha? You sid you wanted o suck my dick? CB'SSISTER. You ae s0 gros. NATE. CB, ist okay if you ster sucks my dice GBS SISTER. (To CB) I cane believe you lex him alk co people Tike tae (GB. Fuck off, squire. (Mate mimes jerking off) MATT, “Squire being the operative word here. CB'SSISTER. You guysare disgusting (She starts to leave, ut then farms around. smile spread ares er fae) ley Matt. Question feryou. Where do swine live? (She runs oftage Mats clenches bis fits. Rage is coursing all trough bis body CB pars a band om bit ‘holder and be rele) MATT. (Through clenched teth) You know how fee about peo- pe calling me tha GB, Ese up. She didn say it. Deep breath, Lett go. (He tths a ‘dep bresh andi okay) MATT. Because shes YOUR sister and YOU'RE my bex fiend, Twonit bea che sic our of her. CGB, And then there's that whole thing about her being agit too. NATT. (Realizing) Right. CB, You do have a temper, dude MATT, And iall ated wich that ile faggot. | fackn' hate that lid, Hc albays looking at me like he in love with me. T fucking fate tha kid. (They ext.) Cre Racemy hecte hab 4d ESGSNTS: Suitnelveres Sil eee eee Vote 63° ape pla a OOO ee “THE PIANIST AND THE PLATYPUS” Beethoven walks acrass the stage, as before carying his books. (CBissiser ransom afer him. CB'S SISTER. Hey, Beethoven! Wai up! BEETHOVEN. (To himself) Oh God. (Despite his trying to get aay she catches up tim.) CBS SISTER. Hey, dont lec those guys get. you. BEETHOVEN. I dont. CBSS SISTER. ‘They're just assholes. BEETHOVEN. Olay. CBS SISTER. Where ae you going? BEETHOVEN. Ie’ lunch period. CBSS SISTER. Wanna st rogether? BEETHOVEN. I'm not going tothe caeceria. BSS SISTER. Where ae you going? BEETHOVEN. [ve got ... suff to do. BSS SISTER. Are you coming to the drama club meeting after school? BEETHOVEN, I'm not in the drama club, CBS SISTER. You should be! Is realy Fun! BEETHOVEN. Arent you the only member? CB'S SISTER. Well, yeah, bu its given me alot of time to work ‘on my one-woman show. I'm thinking about calling it Cocooning into Pasypas. Do you like tha ile? BEETHOVEN. (Toully uninterested.) Sure, why noe? BSS SISTER. Its about a carepillar who longs to evolve into a plarypus instead of a buteefly. Is sort of a metaphor for — BEETHOVEN. T've gotta go. (He starts to ex) BSS SISTER. Are you going to Marcy’s party on Saturday? BEETHOVEN. Ti rather gnaw off my left arm. (He leaves She call ut afer him.) BSS SISTER. Maybe we could get together this weekend. I could do your tarot cards or maybe we could go to a poetry reading or Roe aie cubey erg ne He a ee ct Soond: anil foty Volume: 40 Je “SPORK" Face Astdaic 4 Mai le oN TTRICIA. So, he wasal ike, “Woh woh woh, Woh woh. Woh woh, trol wowoh woh.” Heis such dd So, Tim like: “Excuse me, Me. Mon Peterkore, but jut because I cane define mecaphor dost these I dont know what one you stupid butewad! MARCY, You called Mr Von Peferkorn a buewad? ARICIA. No ofcourse not. add cae ro the try for dramat ic exe MARCY. Ob TTRICIA. 1 begged and pleaded to God not to put mein his class. Tyrie to bess Me Gains it clas. He gives Aco anyone with tis Bat, no 1 ge he fg MARCY. Do you rally think Me Von Pieferkor is fig TRICIA. Well if he were sighs, then obviously I woulda be filing his se MARCY. Toc ; TRICIA. The things: ally think that God i punishing me for sleeping wth Fay fat Fred boyfriend MARCY. You slop with Craig Kovelay TRICIA. [blew him. You knew tha Teotally tld you righ afer Pei ppencdt MARCY, You did no! TRICIA. Iso di! MARCY. Evo CTRICIA. Iwas drunk, okay? Speaking of i anybody looking? MARCY. No, sc TRICIA. (Condescendingh) Sweetie, youve gotta stop calling me thac, (Over the following dilegue, Tita races into her backpack tou prac ag bot of vodka. Se pour a large amount inher ‘milk carton, she pases it to Marcy, who does the same. Trica quickly ‘ats the bool back ino er backpack, Marcy produces a bole of Tethua fe her ackpat andthe pea thi acon. The tke their tartans se them aed sake vgorouy in union. Swing gear) 15 1 chink I did it, subconsciously, just because I fcking hate Freda Fatass. MARCY. Ob my God! I know, right?! TRICIA. Toray right! I mean, seriously, whenever one of us is upset over a real problem, she has to butt her fat ass in and start ‘crying about how she cant stop puking up her food. MARCY. Is so000 pathetic! ‘TRICIA. I swear to God, if| have to hear her bitch one more time about hove Craig won't sleep with her until she loses weight, I'm going to stick my foot up her ass. Thar, if can find the entrance she’ bulimic, will someone please ell me why she's such a heifer? I mean, come on, Frieda MARCY. ‘She told me the other day she was on a diet and I was thinking, like: What? You cant eat anything larger than your head? Survey says — MARCY and TRICIA. YOU'RE FAT) “MARCY, ‘Take your finger out of your throat and drag you ass to Lane Bryant. TRICIA. And speaking of her fashion sense, why is she always ‘wearing that shire thar says WWJD? What che hell is cha supposed. ‘to mean? Who wants jelly doughnuts? (Mare spits her drink all ver the place.) MARCY. (Laughing) I chink ies: What would Jesus do, TRICIA. Well, He wouldn't wear that ugly-ass shire with those nasty-ass spandex shorts. SPANDEX! Who wears Spandex! MARCY. Somebody needs to explain “camel roe” co her. TRICIA. Her body is vo gross! (Imitating Frieda.) “Tim not just the president of the Icy Bitty Tiey Commitee; Tim also a client!” Blecch! "Whar would Jesus do?” MARCY. He wouldsit let Darryl Farmer finger Him under the bleachers during a pep rally, thats for damn sutel TRICIA. Totally! Now, what should we drink co? MARCY. How about “lf liberty and the pursuit of happiness"? TRICIA, Marey, I hate t0 cell you this. Bus sometimes you are really bland, MARCY. Setew you! Lam not, ‘TRICIA. Well, hello! Theresa thoustnd things in this world co toast ro and you pick the lamest one ever! MARCY. Okay. Here's to... Looking dwn at her tay) Tate tots TRICIA. Well, chat’ slightly more interesting. (They “clink” car- sons and down their drinks) 6 MARCY, I'm buzzed. TRICIA. Me too. (They stare a cher plats. Tricia picks up her spork nd studi it) The spork isa great invention. Simple, but effective. TWslike, who came up with i? (Tricia makes them another round.) MARCY. The spork was invented in the 1940s, After the war, phen the USS. Army occupied Japan, General MacArthur decreed that the use of chopsticks was uncivilized, and the conquered should use forks and spoons like — quote — the civilized world, But fearing thar the Japanese might rise up, revolt and retake their ountry with their forks, he and the U.S. Army invented the much less dangerous spork, which was then introduced into the public schools. But really alla spork i, is a plastic descendant of the run- fible spoon. (Tricia i shocked.) TRICIA, Olay. Umm. How did you know that? MARCY, Can you keep a secret? TRICIA, Can Frieda eat a moon pie in only ewo bites? MARCY. No. Seriously. I'm the smartest person in the word. TRICIA, Yeah. And she's che skinniest. MARCY. No, its truc. I was part ofthis government experiment eeniay echool ie was dy yh sper Feats, Able to resin creryh EF IN ithe drug had aside effect TTRICIA (Without mizing a be) Backne? MARCY. Shop bic! You know in sensve abou that TTRICIA. Tam noc sory, giliend, Why dont you jus goto che Be adermabye: MARCY. (need) Can I plese finish ny sory? So this made taper genus og fcks wih al the Ki! rons and cums Genbody inc, lke horny chien Like, all hese shid grader Be ranning around bumping Hy eveything. (Tita dab Funded by i informacion) TRICIA. That is so weird! You WERE really smart when we were kkids! And really horny ... (Marcy bursts out laughing.) MARCY. Got you Fa ha Yu'e so fckng gull: TRICIA. You're a snatch! MARCY, Yo fle ayhig TRICIA. How did you know all chat stuff about the spork? MARCY. Duh! I looked it up on the Imeres, Brey time ve do crunk a echook you pick up a spork and sap "The spor Sicha grea invention | wonder whee it ame fom.” So decid ‘ed that | was going to be ready one day with the answer. 7 TRICIA. (Sercaicali.) How brillant of you, (Theresa moment file, They boc fins off tir dink, Tia runs hers over and rathng comer ons She pul the Bote of veda out of er beg and owes silad of int the empty mill carton. Marcy sides be car- tom over and Tricia refi ers, aswell. Thy both begin to down the dodha) Tim depressed. (They lok at eachother and break ou into incbrite lugher CB and Mats enter with trays and st with them “Tica and Mary ty act normal) CB. Hey MATT, Whats up sus? TRICIA. You wish. MARCY. What’ up? CB, Nothing TRICIA. (16 CB, Sorry we couldn make cto your dogs funeral CB. Thats oy. MARCY. Bat, don you think its kindof weird? Having a funer al fora dog? CB. I guess. Whatever ‘TRICIA. ‘Well, es ina better place MARCY. Want a drink? CB. No thanks, MATT. (Realizing) Oh shit! You guys ae wasted! CB. What do you mean by "a better plcc"? TRICIA. Tort know. Like doggy heaven or something? (Mar iad Trica laghs) = mAb CB. Do you relly believe tha? TRICIA. Hel no. MARCY. Not a chance. TTRICIA, 1 was jus saying tt be polite CB, You dont belive in Reaver? ‘TRICIA. Well, yeah. For people. But dogs? I don think so, CB. So, what happens to them? TTRICIA and MARCY. Maggot food! (Squalng a he ne) Hove TTRICIA. Sorry, but thats what we think MARCY. Dog are gros TTRICIA. Ifthere are dogs in heaven, I want ro goto hel, MARCY. You'te probably going there anyway, bitch! TTRICIA. Yay! We can carpool! (The laugh again. CB realizes that this is an imposible convenaton) CB. Bxtng) See you guys. 18 TRICIA. (Plirtatiowly So, Matt are you coming to Marcy par? tahes outa bate of hand santicer from bis pokes and wes it) MATT. I dunno. Gora check my calendae. TTRICIA. You don’t even know how to read. MATT. (Feigning retarded.) Very funny, Tricia TRICIA. Thats okay. like ‘em dumb. You should bring CB with you. (MATT. CB said he'd only go iFyou give him head and let him cum fe your tts, (The gr shriek) TRICIA. Youre a pig! (Mast goes sift as before, Hei pised. Defensively.) hae 1 bide say it (He ls go of bis enger and miles ‘Mare tesa hand of tater tox from bis plate.) MATT. You cant touch my food lke chat! MARCY. (With her mouth fill) Wy no MATT, Aw mant Donte chew with your mouth open! That’ ing (Regaining comporure) Look. There are geems allover yo rs pero band i someone boo you Se taninare that persons food. And when you chew with your mouth fopen, litle pieces of gnashed food, mixed with your saliva in turn Aout of your mouth and onto other peopl plats. I gros And tow T cant ac this. (He stands and exes. Marcy and Tricia are just staring after hime) TRICIA Td ge i Ths isthe sme kid who sd wallow infilh, A virtual cloud of dire followed him everywhere he went lard now he’ like some germophobe. And the nickname thing! It’s Tike who cares? MARCY. He does ‘TRICIA. Fim so gonna have sex with him at your pary. MARCY. Do you think CB will come? TRICIA. On your tes, apparently (They giles lok a her empty tarsons and a longing novps over them.) MARCY. (Slurring) We should revolt. We shoul rise up with our sporks in hand and protest against... against TTRICIA. Fatey-fa-fat-fuckin -f-fatfaty-farassfuckin’ Frieda! MARCY. And Mr. Von Dfefferkorn! TRICIA. Agda and .. rater tot! Who the hell wanes ea these Ficking chidiMRQnyway! (She begins tosing seer tt all over the plc.) MARCY. Yeah ( tea table, chuck solar and drunkenly climb atop the cafe. ‘They hold their sporks high in the air. Van Coe. Bedand —— Grund Spore vere lyme PE) Final VOL ovina VAN. What are you rwo doing? MARCY and TRICIA, Were revolting! (They lok at each other Fade. Cena Beekroem acc EERE Ce BIS Sac cs ee eg “A SEGUE I SUPPOSE” Lights up on CB, who addveses the audience, continuing his letter CB. Theard a song, The song was simple. Much more simple than what he usually played. I was passing by the music room when 1 heard it. Beas, Tdon' know if Fredric Chopin had a dog, but maybe he did? And maybe he wroce that song because his dog died, too. (Thinking about thi) I done know. Maybe. (He ges las am ohe song) “THE VIPER’S NEST” Lights up on Beethoven playing Chopin "Prelude #4 in E ‘Minor, Op. 2814" onthe piano, He has a black ee. CB enters unseen by Beethoven. He stands and listens wo the msc as if Iypmoticed by i, He begins to ery silent, but then aciden- tally lets out a sb. Beethoven abruptly sop, spi around and ses him. CB pull himself together BEETHOVEN, Yat not upon bein ee. Ive prison te pac dung hc. Bar tye upon wf nb GE ie ten men yr cas, eae REETHOVEN. Cop Do ind ig i wi et od. Thins ely enburaning’ a) My dog dd. “Teepe oir apenas fla wt toe 20 Incemet. If an acute viral infection, Ws transmited Jnfected saliva guess he must have been bitten by some had i: Maybe a fox ora raccoon. Bas can have ito. I the bite to che spinal cord and the brain. Then the vi- a really high fover and unconollable exitement, chen ‘Boat mules. Thats what causes them ro salve. swallow water Another word for the infection is ja.” which of course means “fear of water.” Can you bing able to swallow? That must suck (Beginning. ars i always work. (Beat) We had a funeral for hi y sinter and me did. think I was supposed co say some- ie chink of anything to sy. Tjust stood there, an ioc. My brain went numb ang/thats never ape me before. I can, there's always something going on up ®t inthe subeons ope media to de eT done ge thas. dont ever want to havea clea sind Tas thinking By burying him, dat Pd have some his presence there or something and I didnt and that ime outso I dont know. T mean, have you evr had ra you de and you cat stop inking about them tshappened to them? es like youre stuck in this moxbid es 50. much death that you fel like your head is and ie makes you think that youe not even there youre dead too. (Beethoven slams bis fie down on the 1 cacephonous chord) What? (OVEN. Well, ics just that you haven spoken to me in 0 call me 2 ago” or to dislocate my shoulder and Me gee weet cfsooniouncs monogue sot ‘your dead dog while I'm tying to spend the only moments of my ‘day thar don’ truly SUCK. And, you se, there's some missing com- [ponent co this conversation, ocher than an attentive listener. A Sep, I suppose? Forgive my bluneness. Please dont hit me. But I give two sic sbour you ot your vacant mind or your morbid fies or your dea ficking dog, #0 why dont you jst leave islocated your shoulder! JOVEN. According to my doctor, you did. In shop cass spring, you owisted my arm behind my back and told me chat oun eg nd haan gute — "Tike og ‘Towa just playing around with you. 5 2 BEETHOVEN. That makes me fel alot bere! Ar leas I know jews ll in good fun. Now I remember. Through my screaming and the searing pan, I definitely recall hearing laughter. Anyway 1 an contribute the fan of the group CB. We were just messing with you. BEETHOVEN. Fuck you, CBI Id rather you say “we beat the shit gato yu pen at sand os anf oy yout messing” wi at implies light teasing o sigh opprobr out bevior. have had lunch in the eft ie an alt yeas for fea of going home with some part of iesmeate across my shire! T havent Been in a bathroom on campus since the time my head gor slammed inc the wall. I believe you were there CB. Tide do chat BEETHOVEN. Yeah?! Well you didn't sop itches! And the fac tly doescare. You know what mao sic of heating? “They only pick on you because of thet own insecurities.” The classic guid ance counselor line! “Oh geez, Mss. Blank, since you put it that vay, my head doesnt hut So much anymore!” And what realy il ae is tha everybody wonders why kids bring guns to school and shoot you fuckers down, Maybe youre not the bully, but you stand ily by and watch. In my eyes that makes you even worse So — Please Just. Go, “Maybe ifyou did act so — BEETHOVEN. What What, CB? How do I ac? CB. Wal Gay BEETHOVEN. And how docs one act gay? (Silence) By payin the piano? Ob muse al thore mes oglethe ball ane Maybe I'l sop carrying around a pink purse. Or openly sucking dick in plain view of the enizeseudent Body! What?! What sie CB, Youre being hose and Tim jus eying co tall co you like 2 civilized — BEETHOVEN. dont wane to talk co yout! just want tobe left alone! I done need social poner. All [need ftom you isan apol ogy forthe five minutes tha youve stolen from my day! CB. See, this is why you dost have any fends BEETHOVEN. Think we both kiow why T dont have any friends CB. Oh, dont be so melodramatic! BEETHOVEN. Youte in here crying about a dead dog and IM being melodramatic? CCB. Just shut the fuck up about my dog, okay? (Beethoven ges up 2 - “in his fice.) x eres Bag Oe tt coed Th rere anne ore pada be can but CB in bung. Becthoven ree and bic Linh ard ish is eng bier and bigger) What's 0 BEETHOVEN. Tm sory. ~ © (CB. Nogitokay. I deserved ic (Beat. Promise me you wonit bring, oe Tat EETHOVEN. I dort know where to get one. (A silence) You tecone of my bes fends You al wer. jst dont get {CEL es no consolation, but — wel, can I be honest BEETHOVEN. Yeah, CCB, Noone lew what vo say wo you afer your dad got arested, BEETHOVEN. Ic vas more awkward for me cr that we were there for you BEETHOVEN. ‘That means aloe your ing seat sin. BEETHOVEN. No, | wasn ce SB ani Wad iho gi. his hand.) Truce? BEETHOVEN. I wasnt fighting a war, but okay. Truce. (He shakes Vishand. Their bands are tgerer for longer than expected. CB pulls Fisaaoey) CR Are you — 2 BEETHOVEN, 1 doce know. I've never had sex, soi would be BA tay at this poine. CE. Buc whar abou —? JOVEN, My dad? I dont think shar considered sex: (A thon average iene) "Do you remember how my dog wed r how whenever you the piano? |OVEN. Yeoh-jgvays found i prety nsling “He was soging (2A). What do you think happens to pes hey die 2B BEETHOVEN, They go wo heaven. CB, You believe heaven? BEETHOVEN. Sure. There has tobe some reward for having to lve chrough thi CCB. And you chink thre ate animale shes? In heaven? BEETHOVEN, "The wolf wl live wih the amb, the leopard willie down with he got, nd the calf and the Hon and the yest Ting together and ite child wil ead dem. "The cow wil feed wit te baa thir young wl ie down roetes, andthe Bon will {at sca ke theo. Te fa wil play ear he hole of the cobra, fd the young child put his and into the vipers mes.” Cb, But my dog killed ving hing. Wouldnt God ne mad? BEETHOVEN, He was sick, CB He coulda lp (War be al jing abot his fer? He lok at CB, sho los deposed) You know they sya dog ses Godin hit master A cat looker inthe mio. CB, (Chucking) Vhate cas BEETHOVEN, Meo, (CB stare at him fra long momen, hen ‘ile. He tend spond walls orth pana, Bests du and begins 10 play the bas part of song lke eae and Soul ™ Bie and ne ia pe bp of cour, solely CB spe, prompting Belov mel He ieteat bi agen fora long moment He grabs Becton and ies bi, long and pasonaey He ple ay CB tars at him, amos Bank the estan an exis, leaving Becloven ale out of ors Ligh ou) “DRAMA” Lights up on CBs ister She performs tothe audience. The fl- leaving can only be described as BAD. CBS SISTER. Metamorphosis. Transformation. Evolution. ‘Change. Evolution. Change. Changing evolution. I am a teenage caterpillar. Lenow of these things. For soon, spin cocoon, And From the slike café tha I will create, 2 magnificent creature will +S Sp No Sonn ening 0 meh ee 4 bcs branes area dime dons (eee No. Not a buster, For buen ae a die a done i etet hy r,s doy dead. Or kare os bya demoted ch. Or haves body pine 0 ine FPS ea cove and mated uercuth cheap ame Siac in the bathroom of a sdry woman who teks of Sef aed Vike Vapoth, Bt) I wi 00 be my te ANNOT be my fe wil become lage age erin never been done befoc€ Is om 2 mace PD I To acy cove nage, Mebane rere onan then fom 2 wallow tn dock a ash ee hacer plays. al jose 2 mater oF time. And ine FOE Fal att bone plstypu Tl ean cerry » Wig ks 00% So Volume: 4] | de Vyn*rly z “YOU'RE INVITED” D Lighes up on Marcy. A vibrant rune plays under the fllow- ing. indicating a party is about t0 happen. As Marcy delivers the following. the cast (with the exception of Beethoven) enters and postions themselves around the stage. As they get to their ‘marks they sana like statues, scattered around the space. Mace conily invited tothe prey ofthe yeas. My fas wens o Bal and lft my as ere. So what beer ayo get iy revenge, Ahan throwing 2 shindig that would make them both cinge? Tell have some ge, 2 chip in ome cu, Or ele us bring fom your paren sash Tam sure ha someone wl bing some gas Remember the rl: pul, pul pat Anyone who plans on dropping Nil Rave co bring pill fr me ‘And anyone up fora litle “pis,” Wal, you can se my parents bead So, Mommy and Daly Tim soe wil eset, 25 a eee Coe Sap ies) Fade at 0:24 +0 60’ Tm throwing 2 party youll never forget. lolume, 4 O “TRICIA, (To Mary) Oh. My. God. Did you sce Frieda? Naturally curly ait ny naurally skinny ast MARCY. She's such a wannabe TRICIA, And a neverwil-be! MARCY and TRICIA. T hate he! (They sueal because they sid it in union) V lve yu! (They queal again and grind harder) MATT. Dude! Yall should make out For CB here, Hes only gor a wee lef olive. Lethe guy die with a hardon. (The ree lie theyre going t do it) TRICIA. Mac. You so. dey MARCY. If CB wants a hard-on, Pm sute I can take care of tha, solo... (Matt and CB slp hands over Tricia and Marcy Suinting ‘of Is someone... Is someone defeating on the barbecue? Oh My: God. (Charging off the stage.) You cant do that! Thats disgust ing (Ua dames er Be is dani ea by fr ) VAN. Hey, angel ts, wanna dance —horizonally? B'S SISTER. Fuck off dick Tm waiting for someone, (She exits the stage He continues dancing — breakdancing, in fe) MARCY. (Reentering szething o Van.) Your ear lle brothers cooking his fees on my parents gil (She cage past to Tricia and diag her ay fom benwcen CB and Mate.) MARCY. Did CB say anything about the prom? TTRICIA. In, like, the fourteen seconds you were gone? Sorry, hon. MARCY. ici, just FIND OUT! Or I'l cut you. Looking off steg,) Franklin, gee that blunt away from Miss Kit this insta! MATT, Oh, dude, bring i over here! (Beethoven 480%, Toy “Hes holding a cup and sipping slowly Mate spr: him )Rha the fuck is HE doing here? ALL, (To Beethoven: except CB.) What the fuck afe YOU doing here! The music stops, Mats walks over Bethove and ges pin bis face) MATT. I chink you mus’ve missed the fine pine atthe bottom of the invitation that said: No queers. Sorry you came all chis way, x Petiderumbs back hat litle house of yous. (CB pulls Mast assay va Pett cin NRE We OmRe tien Seta ee raven end fils agains him.) TRG ire re rome is Hd tle er BROWN foi ha aioe on elite an ele lire ORTE on nS ving woyoore unl this ideSggoe has walked his faggory ass our of here! BESTHOVEN. (Angry) CB, shut up, I'm leaving. an MRE et tnt BM om ‘War the fuck are you doing, man? SS Ce Rare) ee VAN. Dude, turn him loose. He's your friend. CB. (Pointing to Beethoven.) So is Beethoven. eeeru Me cf ee pe ie iy reciente ain reece Benne De nossa pfory ‘one They all gasp, REALLY lond this time. Everything is sill. CB ss- es _ a 2 VAN, (Laughing.) Oh my God. MARCY. (Digguted.) Ob my God! MAT (hn total shock.) Oh my God. (Tricia comes to and sa) ‘TRICIA. Oh my God, yall, I think Tm gonna puke. ALL. (Except CB and Tria.) Me to. BEETHOVEN, (Sard CB) Wha i oun? CB. Likniewe nee to ge aut OF HEE we Poy rn oft, Cue"os* Volume 75% op 8 Pewiermsh on its ow Py By \ “NOCTURNE” Light up on Beethoven and CB, BEETHOVEN. ‘That was a very stupid thing you did, CB. Was ie BEETHOVEN. You realize we cant go back to school now, don't you? Well, you can, bur I cane CB. Where do you wane to go? I have a cat. We can leave tonight. Tm game. Let's go. BEETHOVEN. Are you on crack? I'm not running away with youl I never want to see you aguin as long as vel Infact, I think that I HATE YOU! (Beat) What did you think that would accom- plish’! Did you not stop to think about what ie would mean for CB. Ate you sorry that I did ix? BEETHOVEN. YES! CB. That kissed you or that I kissed you in front of them? BEETHOVEN. BOTH! CB. Then I'm sorry. I thought chat you wanted me to. BEETHOVEN. Well, that’s mighty presumpruous of you. (Pulling 4 CD from hs poker) Here. I made you this mix, Ie all the Chopin you could ever want. Im kind of, like, going through this Chopin phase. Tis is all so weird, CB. Look, I'l ell dhem all hat ic was me ust ying to prove a point. BEETHOVEN. What point would that be? CB. I don't know: That its okay to be different BEETHOVEN, And you needed me asa visual aid! 28 TB tent CB. Leanfx ines BEERQVEN, cs nk yu con Bee aguy tryout That abt yous ou wane SOINOVEN, Sicane up for mew oe tng! Shing your reg thin tof ereayody gure wet at yea done hs tone Whar ng a! Pesta me (or mang rh) CPeTROVEN. Oy chee he ine CB and thy es Lights ow.) “THE HANGOVER” Cue? Before fgets 9° Seone Trrgen nse hepuer Olume = OF. eke Ovd Wn ou eephe MATT. Did ehac really happen lst night or did I dream ie? MARCY, No, We definiely had a threesome. Well, Tricia passed np cat on, MATT. No.1 cane the part sbout CB Ksing that. hing ls sigh. MARCY. hac happened to. BGA, Do you guys have oscam? Tame (Ty wernt caning) MARCY. Sorry, sect MATT. Tha’ focked up. We shower together afer practice, What Maines me or soveshing? IMARCR. “That isfocked up, but had relly good ime with you Hough MATT. 1 mean, CB! Come on! Who knew? MARCY. Mats have you thought about who yout aking cathe Pom TRICIA. (Incredulous.) Don‘. IMATT. Do you think they have sex and shig fe. Talk ata normal vol- 29 OO MARCY. Iwas thinking maybe we could go see a movie tonight or something? ‘TRICIA. Dees anyone have a iguete? MARCY. Do you emerber how you eld me you loved me as high Did you mean MATT, it doent make see TTRICLA I wan yogur MARCY. Hey Matt Why dont you and Igo get in the ho ub while cia go tote soe and ges you MATT Wav if he thinks about ine ene jerks of? TTRICIA. I dort wan ogo anywhere MARCY. Sue you dl She sand p and tart deg Tica wp.) TRICIA. Lerphot me es MATT, ‘Ths eal dali fags fa 1 dont know what he io CB, bn gonna fucking kl im, In gonna facing = MARCY. Ate you Sing MATE. No The sunt in ny eyes ‘TRICIA. Tdon fel good (ft ran fae and vomit. Many Pick up te bone of Mab ram and dee) MARCY. Do you thik he ino me TRICIA. Honey? MARCY. Since when are we honest wth each other TTRICIA. Oh. Yeah, Right Het TOTALLY ino you! (Ligh ou) “FIRE IS BAD” ’. whet Cue. VAN'S SISTER. Wall, i's abour mutherfucking time! CB. Well ia certain someone would stop getting thrown into soli- tary, then another cerain someone could come visit more often, VAN'S SISTER. (Warmly) Sit daw! Sie down! CB. (Reading the sign.) “The Doctor Is Tn.” VAN'S SISTER. Boy, i she ever. 30 roy Fade: nen Ge Rc Vale: {0 //. = OB. Very fanny VAN'SSISTER. I thought you might ike. How have you been! Hows everybody?! ER. Everybodys prety mach the same. How ate you? VAN'S SISTER. Tm grat. I'm doing really well Tve taken up Tring, know that sounds cheesy, but is been reilly good for the and I made you something! (She hold up a sar. but ih not tas insrsting asthe bande tat are reining ber band) 0B, es beau Wow! Thanks. il wear ic often. Dont he hand- fuffs seems ile unnecessary? VAN'SSISTER. Are you kidding? love chem! Theyre kinky and jou know me GB, Teo. VAN'S SISTER. (Mocking authoritative) Besides, ics for your arotetion. GB, Tim nor scared VAN'S SISTER. (Grinning) Maybe you shouldbe. {GB, When are you gecng out of here already? YAN'S SISTER. Assoon as I can say thre simple words: “Free Sad” But noc in any hurry to rush out of hte. They've gor me om great drugs! Can I just say: LOVE LITHIUM! Youve gota try 2 GB. Dont say shi lke chat. There are people who miss you out, ‘here. VAN'S SISTER. Those people out chere are just as crazy as the ‘nes in here. (She chinks on this.) Did thac sound cliche? GB. Maybe not as mach as “I ove lithium.” VAN'S SISTER. I miss yout! I think you should burn something dawn and you can join me here! We would have so much fun! GB. Uph! Fire. Is. Ba VAN'S SISTER. Ha ha. So, what’ going on in yout life? EB. (Bld) Not much. Tim filing like three classes. I kissed Beethoven. And my sisters decided she's Wiccan this week. But that’s jus cis week, I mean, she's gone completely — WAN'S SISTER, WHAT? OB. Wiccan. Is some sor: of spooky goth thing, I done realy geet WAN'S SISTER. You kissed WHO? EB. Te wasnt a big deal. [kissed him lastnight s¢ a pary. In fron sFeverybods. Although, it wasn che frst time. YAN'S SISTER, Waiewaitwait, Slow down. Beethoven?! Skinny, dorky Beethoven that we all make fun of 31 CB. Yeah, the same one you were in love with. VAN'S SISTER. When I was eight! This is a joke, right? My brother put you up to this, didnt he? CB. Nope. Teue sory. VAN'S SISTER. Wasi, lke, a dare or something? CB. No, VAN'S SISTER. You jus kissed him? Out of nowhere? CB. Sort of VAN'S SISTER. And you're okay with this? CB. chink so, VAN’S SISTER. So? CB. So? VAN'S SISTER. So, whar docs this mean? CB. Tdon’t know. VAN'S SISTER. Did you enjoy it? CB. I wanted to do it VAN'S SISTER. Why? CB. Because I fel ike it VAN’S SISTER. Major parts of his story are missing, CB. What HAPPENED? CB. Well, the firs time we were in the music room, VAN'S SISTER. At school? CCB. Yeah, and we were talking, Actually we were fighting and then we were talking and I just kissed him, VAN'S SISTER. And the second rime? CB. Party at Marcy’s house, \VAN'S SISTER. And people saw? CB. I wanted them to. VAN'S SISTER. Oh my God, I danit believe this. CB. Is ic so hard to believe? VAN'S SISTER. Yes! CB. Why? VAN'S SISTER. Because you did something different! You've allways been so... predicrable, CB. Oh great, Here we go, meshing that's 9 commplacln saci fos vou. ling for Stray ofa py guy — chalice soma Ps hon CB. What ifm nor straight? VAN'S SISTER. Are you coming out ofthe closet? 32 ee es ll Lida say tha. YANSSISTER Bon or yc {GB Noc nor saying something isn the sume assaying something. YAN'S SISTER. No offense, CB, but I dont think youte cool ‘enough tobe gay. Dontt get me wrong, I love you to death, but if had to imagine you giving a shit about home decoration of musical theatre, I just dot se ic "Now youte using stereotypes. YAN'SSISTER. Sort, Mis Manners, bus Finn ic ofa shock CB. Wehad sex, 1% YAN'S SISTER. Excfuckingscuse me!? OB, Yeah, After the parry. We lee and we had sex VANS SISTER. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! YOU'RE A HOMO, Bn (GB, Just because I did something cha I wanted to do docsne make me a homo. I've smoked por. Doesnt mean I'm a pothead. I've Sank plenty of beet. Doesnt make mea drunk. You sec tha ile fedheaded girl’ hair on fie. Doesnt make you a pyromaniac. VAN'S SISTER. (Correcting him.) Wel accallytechncaly i does. GB. Okay. Bad example. VAN'S SISTER. Are you going to do i again? GB. I dosit know. Maybe. vA it have Felings for him? cB. Cr Kee grown up questioning everything I do, Wher ds, everybody — mostly YOU — told me what | doing was wrong. t made me so sel-conscious about every- ‘hing: Good grief! I takes me an hour to get dressed every morn- ong! Tim always thinking about what people are going to say or ana they're going to think. And when I kissed him, I dda care fr wonder whac anyone was going to think, I just did ic VAN'S SISTER. Thae wasnt an answer. (A silence pases) EB, 1 can stop thinking about him, VANS SISTER. Ic sounds like love wo me. GB. Whar do I do? VAN'S SISTER. You have to tell him, GB. Lean. VANS SISTER. Then resign youre wo being alone for exci. That ll be five cents, plese. EB, Tove ic when we play doctor. (She laughs.) VAN'S SISTER. Smiling.) So, guess this means we'e not get- 33 ting back together when I get out. CB. Oh, s0-now you wanna get out of here, huh? VAN'S SISTER. Fuck yeah! | didnt realize whar T was missing! (Beat.) Oh, by the way. My brother told me about your dog Tim really sorry. (He had forgotten all about that.) CB. Oh. Yeah. Thanks, VAN'S SISTER. I's a shame I'm locked up in here, We could've cremated him. (Fe stares at her unimpresed.) Sorry. Bad joke. (A silence.) CB. Hey, why'd you do iv? VAN'S SISTER. “What? Bur the bitch hair of? Torch her tresses? Light her locks? CB. Tell me. \VAN'S SISTER. Her hair ea symbol of innocence and my lighter isa symbol of corruption. God told me to doit. The devil made me da it. Charles Manson is just so damn persuasive, She is Joan of Arc and 1 am the townspeople of Salem. I did it for Jodie Foster Boredom — plain and simple. Ie was a political sarement! Allegorical! Metaphorical A cry for help. A plea of insanity. (Flexing der forefinger) Redrum! Redeumn! CB. Be serious! VAN'S SISTER. Can't we just blame the governmene or the edu- cational system? Puberty? PMS.” My parents? CB. No. ‘VAN'S SISTER ig then, Id i because I fl ike it, I ASome GF You used it no less chan five minutes ago. CB. Pubic displays of affection and random acts of violence are «wo different things. VAN'S SISTER. Are they? (Beat) They say that love and hate are the closest wo emotions CB, T'llbite. Why do you hate the little redheaded girl? VAN'S SISTER. Because you used to lve her. CB. You did ie because of me? VAN’S SISTER. Yes, I just love you so intensely cha i bordelines peyehotic. You'e all I ever think of, CB, Seriously? VAN'S SISTER, Na, I'm just fucking with you. Ies the lithium talking CB. Suartng 0 stand.) Ym gonna go now, VAN'S SISTER, Wait! Doni! I was pregnant, 34 = Why ca you be honest with me ike Te been with you? GS SISTING Tan was pregnant ar) Don wor, ia Mth js gwen an boron the dy befor snd he nex ay Peay, ve werent leaning abou reproduction. nx Mae Ns Rainey wlling about flop bss, the wes Me Stim elo ick omy mach lead. Tiping te 2ne out See bing I can’ ol sare eading a ove over Mis Pana Ponca Souler and she cling her end (Apingperon) Bape sse ston sheb a vgn and at sh po Bi ce tro marted snd ow mp eS Beat our sic Wahu thinking Teche int ny poke Forse le ed Bic lighter and ihr ete, Herel aon I cy cy in tenn thy ak me Tin sony por and Hc Nomar dy hse a ae ne Bet Theyve male me sce | um offal sick, prycho, unre ron dod unenocsfal Te ban banded sropth sod T fave no choice but to believe i. (CB smiles at her) €B.Pregnant? VAN'S SISTER. Pregnant GUE: Line beforehendentfs “Sva— foie fucking with me pease Buon & faking i oso la oy 0. Visiting time is aver. ISTER. T'm gad you came GB. Yeah, me oo. VANS SISTER. Before you go—I gues I don' have to as how eveyone rected GB To your incarceration? VAN'S SISTER. I mean the kiss. GB Are you kidding? We hightailed ic out ofehere so fast, I did- titeven have ime to look. VAN'S SISTER. Smart kid. rita {CB Although hin my sister mouthed “I hope you di” at me Aha le is ning Bade ck king snd gues find ou how everybody else vores tomorrow a schoo. VAN'S SISTER. Good luck. CB Thanks. VANS SISTER. CB, I'm so proud of you for breaking through. For sewing one foor ouside the norm and giving, no apologies Premise me that you wont apologize. CB I wont VANS SISTER, I have futh in you. (They embrace.) And next 35 CUE! Line beferehandotts SHES time when you come, if you could just maybe stick a book of ‘matches up your as be your best frend forever. (CB get up and eaves, but not before saying —) CB. (Smiling) You alcady ar. (Light out. In darknes —) VAN'S SISTER. Hiy, Blackhead! You forgot your scaifl (The sound of cell dor closing) = I hed send hin ay. Sr They should sed him to Amsterdam. thnk lo of homes fo Amsterdam. I wanna goto Amitrdan. Noe beac in a ffomo. You can amoke everywhere in Amsterdam. 1 definitely Mena goo Amster CHS SISTER Youre reiaded MAN. (Smiling and nodding) Pthaps 1am. (Bea) ey you know Mier would be he pret evenge you had sex with your ros “OUR SISTER OF MERCY” Sound. Fre ner 906 HS GBSSISTER. T guess. Ive never done i before, How do I doit (od ACh Tes sort Volsme f5 7) SSSSTER fs 1h oe doe Ee SC Co CaN COUNTESS tf best fiend. (Pasting his arm around her) Guys relly hate that. EBS SISTER. Eww. Ti sot loins my virginity o you, YAN. Well, I chink held be equally upsee by you giving his bese fiend a blowjob. B'S SISTER. I hate him, VAN. Who? CB'S SISTER. My brother, you moron! VAN. Because he’ gay? CB’S SISTER. I cant believe thist Everybody’ treating me like & leper because I'm forced to shate the same house as him. We shate the same bathroom! What if I get some ... some ». gay disease? VAN. That would suck, Buc come on. Youire smarter than that. What is this really about? CBYS SISTER, He knows how I feel about Beethoven! VAN. Have you voiced your concemns to him? B'S SISTER. I donit want co elle to him! VAN. You wanna smoke? (He pull out a pipe.) CBS SISTER. 1 guess. Ive never done i before, How do I do it (He shows her the pipe.) YVAN. Here. I'll each you. This isthe carb, Put your finger over i Juse hold, suck, let go ofthe carb and continue sucking. (She does ‘this ashe lighs it for ber. She breathes in and keep tin like a pro.) CB'SSISTER. Te never smoked por before. (She exhale with eae) VAN. I smoked my blanket. CBYS SISTER. (Ignoring thar comment Its nos fir! Why does he hhave 10 be my brother? VAN. Maybe is becuse you have the same parents Or something, CBIS SISTER. Do you think should tell my parents? Maybe if 36 SSS CCC a sa Lights up on Marcy Tricia, Van and Matt eating lunch in he ‘cafeteria. They are eating in silence. MARCY, I hate Salisbury teak (No rapomie) Hey, dont you guys hie the obligatory scene in cen movies where someone describes allof the inhabitans of cach table? You know, ike, how they say The scones sic there. The cool kids sit here. The geeks sit there “The jocks sit there. Blah blah blah.” Is in every movie! Donit you hate that? Again, no response) ARICIA, I think wet all dodging certain topic here. One that Bethaps needs to be addresied. mean, we canta about this ike cults right I know I'm noe the only one with an opinion. And he ‘sour friend. So, all Ym saying is that — (New tatic.) Oh Jesus Grist WILL SOMEONE JUST FUCKING SAY SOME- THING ALREADY?! VAN. Abour whatz MARCY. CB, dumbass VAN, Ob. I's him in che halls. I ike che shire he’ wearing (Mat siz and seehe. The girl lo at Va ke bes insane) MARCY. ‘Well, the Bible sys that homosexuality isin. I think a7 STRICIA. Good This good go nex. im AOK with sing | gy! Bur with tha sai, 1 think is ell gross to se two guy kiss. rw hold ands. (Big cofasion) Drag qucene fghten me, (te 40 lost in thought. Snapping bac:) Would anyone cs like to share? (Silence,) Guys? (Silence) Anyone? (They all lok ar her like shes ats. Shes embarrased.) \ mea, yea, Uate Salsbury steak, too. VAN. Dude, you know what’ even worse than Salisbury steak? ‘Mexican pizza I Fuckin’ hate Mexican pizza! Ies like, they didn't invent ts why do they swoop into high-school cafeteria and try {o take cree fr ie IFT want Mexican food, il go get a taco! Not a pizza! I just doesnc make sense, right? Ie ike 1 dunno, like — Australian spaghetti — or some shit lke that. Tt just doesnt make sense. Fuck, man. Why dont we ever have tacos? Or like Burrito Day? If was css president, i insis on Butrto Day. Not this Mexican pizza shit. But you know what else is good? Hamburgers. Even in a high-school cafeteria, a. hamburgers always nice. You sore of cant go wrong with it Sure che meat’s always alittle tough and the bun’ always alice hard, but T can sxe hamburger, yo. Br onl if 8 — (Mar ped ec no ger contain i slams bis ft agans he table Thy al ok a im, shocked) eis cane MATT. (Through clenched reth,) es not right. AN, Sect He understands! There no such thing as Mexican piza! TRICIA. (Condes Sweetie, think he aking about Ci TCIM, Condens) king about CB, MARCY. Well, the Bible says — MATT. I dont give a shit about what the Bible says! Is just fack- ing wrong! Tt disgusting and is just — igs just WRONG! And | ficking hace cha kd for facking with my bes fiiend’s head! (He looks lke he might xy out of anger and fusnaion,) TRICIA. What are you going 10 do? MATT. Tm not going o sand by as my bestfriend becomes a — (He cant sy it) you know! TRICIA. Maybe you should havea tlle with Beethoven. MATT. Maybe I should beat his Fucking face in. TRICIA, Violence never solve anything. (Thinking about tic) Okay, Pm serong. Actualy i does. But for che sake of your fiend ship with CB, perhaps you should have a civilized conversation ‘with Beethoven, Something along the lines of, "Ie relly hurts me that yuie pursuing 2 sexual relationship with my fend. YVAN. ‘Tica’ right. Jose el him char — 38 _ MARCY. (Escted.) Oooh! Oooh! Tell him thac the Bible says it’s YAN! No el him that CB is, ik, dead or something! We could All pretend like he’s dead, but he's not really, but Beethoven will think that he is and then hell stop liking him! And chen we'l rll {EB that Beethoven is dead! And then theyll both think thac the others dead! es genius! I'm a fucking genius. (Mat stands up and Iesves his firs clenching A silence) MARCY. He seems really pissed, Do you think one of us should after him? ARICIA. Nah. I find its best not o interfere with Feuding lover. VAN. Are Beethoven and CB feuding? TRICIA. I meant Matt and CB, ding dong WARCY. Wait. What? TRICIA. Oh my God. You guys are so blind! Mates in love with (GB. That's what this is all about. Ie doesnt take Nancy Drew to selve that cas. I figured it out and T'm the stupid one. WAN. Tdorit buy it. (CBS sister enters and heads wards their able.) TRICIA. The only thing you buy comes in a baggie from 2 guy ‘oho calls himself “The Doober.” VAN, Blow me. (Thinking hei valking ro her, CB’ sister runs vay it shame.) TTRICIA. Repressed homosexual anger isnt all chat uncommon. Think about i. He’ always, lke, faggot this and faggot that. He's totally obsessed with CB and coually jealous of Beethoven. (Beat.) “Eere. Let me give you an example: Take fucking fate fat-fucking- Focass-Fricda [think we can all agree thac she's the biggest capet- Inuncher who's ever walked the face of th fucking earth, corect? VAN, She’ toallyin love with Crag Kovesky! UTRICIA. Wel, uh, well, she’s a ginormous fucking heifer of « ~ bi. “YAN. Frieda weighs like eighty pounds! TRICIA. Shu up, Van. Now, dont you think she’s jealous of us Because we'e pretty and Tm popular? So much so that she proba- ‘ly OBSESSES about how miuch she hates us all day long? YAN. She novels bout yo, Ba ou vas lk bus het Fung i out.) I's you thats obsessed with het TRICIA. Oh no no no, my liele stoned fiend. You've missed che tum and are heading towards a dead end. ‘VAN. No no no no no no no— move over, Nancy Drew! Scooby Doo’ drivin’ chs van! (Another genius ide.) So, following the logic 39 el, you so gniciously presented us with — represed homoseruaiyy rears its ugly head in the form of obsession and jealousy 50, holy shit! (Gap) Do you know what this means? ‘TRICIA and MARCY. WE'RE NOT LESBIANS! (Tricia and Ven look at Marcy sarge, who lots aoa balding aspanfal of Fella) MARCY. AC least Pm not TRICIA. What’ that supposed to mean, you TWAT? MARCY. Oh nothing. just think it ealyserange how you never sed to invite me co your sleepovers with her in eighth grade TTRICIA. That’ becatse you make Weird sex sounds whe you sleep! MARCY. IDO NOT! (To Van.) do not. (To herself) [do noe. TRICIA. You're both assholes! Tm not jealous of Frieda and Tm sor in love with her either! She and Craig Kovels can have each coche! Tope he gets lost in her FAT ROLLS! (She rt ber bg and Iti off) MARCY, TRISHI TRICIA, (Libs) Dont. (The et oheir lunch in silence.) MARCY. ( troubling hough. ) This isthe cool table, right (The lights fade out, as they continue eat ther anc.) “WARSAW WAR SONG” Sound Redutonae) Ede, Se Get Qses before ie ep Face wuato eangilve S.° (CB. (Excited, almost giddy) 1 read that Chopin was on his way to Fade eos 40 _ - ' Nowmes ec Lights up on Beethoven at the piano. He is playin ‘Revolutionary Etude” by Chopin. CB approaches with a brown paper sack. He starts unpacking lanch on the piano. B, I brough you lunch. (Bactboven stops He ies CB lok of Cea an raion) Hey, we made taley trough the day Sel only gor called» quee thee mes . BEETHOVEN. That becuse people ae scared youl beat chem IEE. Dont worry ve already started spreading the word that iF they mes with my boyfriend, Il be kicking some ass. (Heise the top ef Beethoven’ head) BEETHOVEN. Your boyiiend? CB, Wel, houghe the other night sort of sealed the deal BEETHOVEN. Slow down, CB: Ch, Why? A BEETHOVEN. Because I dont want a boyiiend CE, Nonsense! BEETHOVEN. We shared a moment. GB, (Laughing) We shared more than that. BEETHOVEN. This cant happen. CE. What ante BEETHOVEN, We cant jase sare a relationship. I mean, youve “gona be alice more realistic EEE Give people ine. Thoyl ge ued ose iden BEETHOVEN. How can I expec people” to get used co the idea ‘when Tm nor used to the idea! CB. (With « goofy grin) Tm filling in love with you. (Beethoven ‘ears bel bs blah, Hl naps back to reality) BEETHOVEN. This is earded. (CB pick up «carton of yogurt from the piano) GB. Do you like yogure BEETHOVEN. No. Ch. Shit. Neither do I. I was hoping you'd want ie. (Holding up toy sanduriches.) Ham ot bologna? a arom ae SECON Tn tg ee Bs erates Sey sent ee gir otienibe ernment een Ce an wa ney seer ate RGIS i yg ee Sates nora ins I step em octet ns eee aime Betis Tir ST ea tee es sera peten aneiat Samaria Nae, Sern oat Ca fr Sa agen naomi Se i, ry ag Se a py sound. Hees had tence she fic tat es ord) Sadareemocne! iar oon, moa nia BEETHOVEN. Just leave me alone, okay? Please. I didn't do SE any ot a | ea ri bord ing i te Bere gi fo play “Moonlight Sonata.” Matt becomes transfixed bythe music. So, © are you ow, like, a couple now? Are you going to parade around che Hae eee en eal EN Rs cen np an down on beers Kero plaing: Oden cae the pase) Cae 2 Ne cnt eorog tines Ee eo rte te tires he bins Deen Toaag ton denny wee Te eee er per? (Beethoven sops playing. Matt stars to exit) Sarno HT et er ec we pw) Wha di oj sr BEETHOVEN, I sid no. Pigpen. (Matt puts his hand in front of Sound: Slams Cue: Graes Plans handle. Nalume: \00°]o “TAPHEPHOBIA” | Sound: Beetwen Trans J) Valumes SS % He had «wo requests upon dying, He was terifid of being buried ale, he ested tha is etc be ema rom his boy Kew. Tt; entombed in a pillar in the Church of che Holy Gross in Warsaw. The second request was that Mozart’ "Requiem be sung, athis funeral. The picce requires female voices, but the Church of the Madeleine didnt let women sing in their choir. They delayed. the service for two weeks while the powers that be argued. In the fend, they honored his fina wish, (Long bea.) Beethoven did leave Atnote. $0, I don know if he had any lat requests. (A schol bell rip.) 8 Cue: BSec8 GHer Slams end “PEER COUNSELING” (Clasroom. CB takes his seat where CB sinter, Marcy, Tricia sand Van are seated. CB is mivenabl, He does not want t0 be ‘there Marcy is blubberin into a Kleenex. CBS ser is wear- ing for the fire time, what would be considered normal attire, despite the fact tha its black. The teacher whase wice ir the “woh-wobs" ofa trombone, asks « question. In reponse — TRICIA. Il go first. Beethoven was vey talented. I definitely connected with him on chat level. His suicide was an enormous shock to me, anyway. I mean, lke, I never thought he would do something like that ina milion yeas. (Sh thinks) Tha al. (The trombone sounds agen.) VAN. What do I chink about ie? Wall, I mean if had to go, 1 ‘would definitly wane it co be of an overdose. What kind of pis were they anyway? MARCY. ‘Does it matte? Oue good frend is dead! You're being really insensitive. I just wish that he had called me. T wouldve totally ike, cold him everything would be okay and seul I dont think he had my number, though. (The sombene.) (CB'S SISTER. I think Mate should be putin jal fr the est of his lie. Or executed MARCY. Why? He didn kil him, B'S SISTER. "What Mae did led Beethoven to do what he did! ‘TRICIA and MARCY. ‘Thats hearsay. B'S SISTER. And he gets suspended for a week. A slap on the wrist. 1s pathetic bulls (The garbled voice sereams at ber, Shespshy) Sorry. just dott think its fit. (The garbled voce tals, ‘prompting CB to come out ofthe daze he wa in.) ‘CB. Huh? (She ass him the quetion) How docs his death make sme fe? Stupid. (The all lok a im srange.) Ob, come offi No one even liked him, Who cares? He’ dead! TRICIA, (neering) God, thats rade. CB, That life, Paty. The woeld is full of people who have tough live, But do you see them killing themselves? No, So, he could ply the piano anymore, Ther are people ou there who cant walk 4“ ! I \ 1 f 5. bull. Cant see. Do they give up? No. They keep going. “Pa shit” sis? Suicide is pathetic bullshit. les weak CB'S SISTER. Weak? You didat even goto his funeral! You did- tit even say goodbye to him! CB. (Losing his shiz) DID HE SAY GOODBYE TO ME# I wish the was sill here s0 I could twist his arm behind his back, shove his face in a tolecand tll him tha he sucks dick. They all begin ro ‘erate bis insensitivity in unison) Can we use stop talking (Pleading tuth chem.) This is exacly what he so selfishly wanted! For us sit around and pretend like he was still our best friend and sob about hhow much well miss him! CBS SISTER. CB. Stop this. CB. IF you miss him so much, why dont you go pray ro your witchcraft goddess and ask her to bring him back. Or Mate can dive back into the dit and dig the “faggot” up and break a few more bones. (Tirning to Ven.) Hey Van! We can get your sister, the ‘pyromaniac, to light him on fire and YOU can roll his ashes into a Big, fat joine and yall can all ec high. (Tuning to Mary and Tricia.) Marcy, Tricia — heres to “maggot food" (To the teacher) ‘And then well all come back here and well al about how we Fee! (He hits the wall and storms off. There is long silence. They al stare md: Ker dy ney, Lt Kl St 0b Fade Sree Value. 7 “CHANGING EVOLUTION” Tuo lgbs shine on CB and bis sister, who stand on opposite sides ofthe sage. They address the audience. BIS SISTER. And when I poked my head out of my cocoon, 1 realized I had stayed inside for toe long. I had, unwittingly, gone from platypus to beaver ro walrus to chimpanzee to aluman. Chad evolved much more than I ever wanted to. Now I would learn to speak and learn co think and ask questions and make friends and lose fends and cry and laugh and maybe fall in love one dy and maybe se that love go away and maybe climb a mountain. But I never wanted o do any ofthese things. Plarypuses dont feel things, do they? 4s CCB, The sa thing is ha is hands will ever heal. That the bro- ken part ofa dead body cannor hed CB'S SISTER. Now Im trapped in this body that wil EP know regret. A gel who should ve boon abut, but wou tl aways wane@ es pags, CB. {hope yout doing vel. Sorry Geld of this. (Forcing 1 smile) Ub this she longest ete ure poten. Thanks fot lieing. Sincerely, No, Yous ely. Ot Your pen pal. CB. (The fight henge and CB ter lok to him. The red daphne speared ‘and ovr with cobwebs eeting a mansolaan-ikeprnce) “BROTHERS AND SISTERS” B'S SISTER. Hey. CB. Hey B'S SISTER. (Canfilly) Are you olay? CB. Why does everyone keep asking me chat! I'm fine (CB climbs ‘atop the doghouse, Hi ser joins him.) GBS SISTER. Thnow you didst mean what you sid today CB. Youire wrong. I did CBS SISTER. T know that you loved him. CB. Look, [went through -.. something. Some sore of phase. 1 donc know what ic was, but Ti done with it now. Everything’ ‘okay, Pm back to normal. This a good thing (CBS SISTER. T dont believe that, CB, jus stop already, okay? Please. I want to move Forward. (CB'S SISTER. 1 know I was a real bitch about ... you two. It stung. That’ okay though. In time, I wouldve been okay with i. ‘wouldve been grea with it Were different — you and me, Wee Special. Wet not like them. CB. 1am like them. (Coreron,)1 want tobe like them. B'S SISTER. Thats sad (Bea) You know, when we were kids tied 10 look upto you. (CB. When Iwas a kid, Iwas a loser. B'S SISTER. No, you werent You were great. A ile different, bu great. Recent Te seen that quality in you again. CB. Do you ever feel like youre not areal person? That youte the 6 pia product of someone’ imagination and you cant think for yourself Because youte relly like just some “creation” and that somewhere there’ people laughing everytime you fai? CB'S SISTER. Laugh and the world laughs with you — CB. Cay and they laugh even harder. (She hss him om the chek and starts to ext) Do you think I'm gay? CBIS SISTER. Maybe. Maybe not. (Smiling) You know 1 cant Iecp up with you. (Mocking him.) Find. An. Kdeniy. (CB lenghs,) {Ohya ong. Tis came for you. (She ands him an envelope, then leaves. Heloks ati and the wind is knocked out ofbim.) Sand. Deas CSP FADE: Boag ORIN eye ALL, Dear CB. CB'S SISTER, How unexpected to get a lester from you afterall these years VAN'S SISTER. I chought you had forgotten about me. YVAN. sound ie youre ong hough a prey rough ime and having to deal wth situations that you feel like you cant handle — TTRICIA. Bat anyone is equipped to dea with ches higs, its you. VAN. I promis that things get beter. TRICIA, Hang io ther TRICIA and VAN. Be song. MATT, Tm 20 sorry for your loss MARCY, Twas talking co a gil the other day who told me of an incidene chat happened a her high school ALL. Thee was a boy. MATT. Ball TTRICIA and MARCY. Tormented MATT. ‘To the point of opening fie on their cafeeri aquiet and awloard. No one ever spoke to him unless it was to insulthim, He took the lives of many people. The gl rld me that, 7 ro one ever extended hand in friendship to this poor child. (Mate sual 0 the otbr side ofthe stage and stands on his own.) ALL. She adit. TTRICIA. She sad how she wished chat she hada eurned a blind «eye to what he was going through. MARCY. She thinks to hersel, how differenly things could have been through just one connection. No matter how great or small VAN'S SISTER. She lives where [live nw. A place where there is no violence. Everyone treats others with kindness. love and respect. Ifyou can imagine sucha place, I challenge you (0 do so. Think on i VAN. As for the questions chat you are asking yourself and others: Dorit concern yourself with death. Immerse yourself in life Enjoy ‘very moment that you'e allowed to but keep asking questions. My dear fiend. Dorit eve stop asking questions. (Van ess to the brick wall and stom ie) MARCY, Also, bear no malice forthe ones who leave you. TRICIA. The only regret they feel now isthe egret of not being able to tell you how they really fee. VAN'S SISTER. ‘They wish that they could say goodbye to the ‘ones they let behing. MARCY. But sometimes that's not possible. TRICIA. Even in perfect happiness — MARCY. Even in nirvana — ‘TRICIA, MARCY and VAN'S SISTER. They will always have this reget. (Marcy and Tricia st on the edge af the stage. Van ser ‘rose othe piano and leans on it.) (CBSS SISTER. A boy recently came to live down the street from me. He's had a tough life, but things are bewer for him now. He plays the piano like your fend. [often hear his music wafting from an open window, where asta yellow bird ss. Sometimes 1 czy when I hear it. Bue mostly I smile. (CB sister sts nxt to Van ‘and pusher bead om bis shoulder Beethoven ener. He cases to CB.) BEETHOVEN. He found a dog who likes sing along. He akes good cate of che dog. When we Tenew from where he used to lve, - ome hn ang Hs. 4 person that reminds me of you. ane) Ch. Taploge for noc being cere for you befor. And Tim not sur tht beable to wie you aga. Jst knw that there some nc othe thinking sbou ou Sorcone who ha ved ine 48 cst in your success, How I wish [had had the opportunity to meet T you who you reaches che end, he drops shes teen cloud eri Por i dag orbs End of Play 9

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