FEEDING THE MULTITUDE

(GLEN GAIR)
FEEDING THE MULTITUDE

(OPEN ON: ROUGHLY 2000 YEARS AGO. JESUS IS LEADING A CROWD OF

FOLLOWERS THROUGH DESERTED PASTURES.)
JOHN (V.O.)
Before the days of twitter,
devoted followers would simply
shadow a celebrity by foot,
and foot alone. Now a long
time ago, a crowd of Jesus
Christ's devotees shadowed him
from town to town, growing
hungrier and sicker along
their travels. As light began
to thin a disciple approached
our lord and saviour insisting
that he send the believers
back to nearby villages and
towns to rest and buy food.
A DISCIPLE APPROACHES JESUS.

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DISCIPLE
We should send them back to
get a McDonald's, or something
with a side order of French
fries, maybe afterwards settle
down at a Premier Inn.
JOHN (V.O.)
Jesus was a bold man, a great
man, some say the Dynamo of
his generation.
JESUS
That seems a bit harsh.
Theyve travelled far with us.
Just give them whatever food
you've got.
DISCIPLE
There are five thousand people
here. All we have are these
five loaves and two fish.
JESUS
...Shit.
JOHN (V.O.)
For Jesus opened his Jamie
Oliver recipe book and began

FEEDING THE MULTITUDE

to explore his culinary

options.
(CUT TO: A SCHOOL
CLASSROOM.)
MARK, MATTHEW AND JOHN ARE SAT
IN A ROW. MATTHEW IS PLAYING
WITH HIS PHONE UNDER THE DESK.
MARK
Thats not right.
JOHN
What isnt?
MARK
It was seven loaves and a few
small fish.
JOHN
Where are you getting your
facts from?
MARK
Matthew agrees with me, don't
you Matthew?
MATTHEW'S BEEN CAUGHT PLAYING
WITH HIS PHONE UNDER THE DESK.
MATTHEW
What?
MARK
You agree with me don't you?

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MATTHEW
(confused)
...Yes.
JOHN
He's too busy playing on his
phone to know what we're
talking about.
MARK
And another thing; it was four
thousand people, not five
thousand.
JOHN
No it wasn't. It was five
thousand.
MARK
Count them, did you? Now come
on let me hear what else
you've got.
JOHN
Fine. But I am right.
(CUT BACK TO: JESUS TALKING
TO HIS DISCIPLE.)
JESUS
Bring me the bread and fish
and I'll give the old wink up
to heaven. Have them seated on
+

FEEDING THE MULTITUDE

the grass and leave me to

prepare for a show.
DISCIPLE
Consider it done. Just quickly
though Sir, are you in
possession of a plastic bag?
JESUS
No, why would I have a plastic
bag?
DISCIPLE
There's dog poo on the grass
and well, I was just thinking
of the kids. Health and safety
and all that.
JESUS
Good thinking. Have another
disciple pick it up with his
coat.
DISCIPLE
Will do, Sir. I would like to
take this opportunity to tell
you how super grateful I am to
be apart of something
historic.

FEEDING THE MULTITUDE

(under his breath)

I love you.
JESUS
Sorry?
DISCIPLE
Didn't say anything, Sir. Not
a thing.
(CUT TO: MOMENTS LATER. THE
CROWD HAVE NOW GATHERED ON
THE GRASS AS JESUS HOLDS THE
BREAD AND FISH.)
JOHN (V.O.)
His friendly disciple fetched
the bread and fish as the
crowd of five thousand-MARK (V.O.)
Four thousand.
JOHN (V.O.)
Shut up-- gathered on the
grass in anticipation of a
feast.
JESUS
Prepare to feel no more
hunger, for I will provide you
all with a meal out of these
five--

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MARK (V.O.)
Seven.
JESUS
--loaves and two fish.
JESUS TAKES A BREATH, HOLDS
THE FISH AND BREAD OUT IN
FRONT OF HIM AND LOOKS UP TO
THE SKY.
FOLLOWER #1 (O.C.)
Hold up, I have a pig here. We
could have bacon.
THE CROWD GET EXCITED.
MARK (V.O.)
Bacon?
(CUT TO: CLASSROOM)
MARK
There were no pigs or offers
of bacon.
JOHN
There was too.
MARK
No way. Matthew, back me up on
this.
MATTHEW
I can't, Yahoo is running
slow.

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JOHN
Nobody uses Yahoo anymore.
MARK
Hes right for once.
JOHN
For once?
MARK
Go on finish your completely
fabricated version, bacon and
all.
(CUT BACK TO: JESUS AND HIS
FOLLOWERS.)
JESUS
No I don't think so, thank
you.
FOLLOWER #2
We want bacon!
THE FOLLOWERS VOCALLY SUPPORT
THIS NOTION.
JESUS
The fish is already dead.
Besides, I don't like bacon.
THE CROWD ARE STUNNED.
FOLLOWER #3
You dont like bacon?!

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JESUS
Thats right.
THE CROWD ARE GETTING
RESTLESS.
FOLLOWER #4
He's probably just on a kosher
diet.
THE FOLLOWERS ARE SWAYED
TOWARD THIS NOTION.
JESUS
No Im not.
THEY GASP.
FOLLOWER #2
You must be a pescatarian
then?
JESUS
Nope.
FOLLOWER #4
So you just don't like bacon?
JESUS
Im afraid not.
THE CROWD HAVE HEARD ENOUGH.
JESUS (CONTD)
What's wrong with that?

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FOLLOWER #1
Well if that's the case I'll
take him away then.
(to PIG)
Chop-chop Peppermint. Let's
go.
FOLLOWER #1 WALKS AWAY.
FOLLOWER #2
I say we follow the man with
the pig!
FOLLOWER #4
The bacon man is now our
saviour!
CROWD
(altogether)
All hale the bacon man!
THE CROWD FOLLOW HIM.
JESUS
Don't follow him! I'm about to
reveal my latest miracle. Oh
come back! I'll perform it
very quickly!
JESUS STARTS TO BREAK THE
LOAVES IN SEVERAL PIECES BUT
QUICKLY GIVES UP. THE CROWD
HAS DISPERSED. HIS DISCIPLES
APPROACH.

10

FEEDING THE MULTITUDE

JESUS
Bugger.
JOHN (V.O.)
Jesus asked his disciples to
do him a favour and spread the
word that his miracle worked
and bellies were satisfied.
(CUT TO: CLASSROOM)
MARK AND MATTHEW LOOK AT JOHN
IN UTTER BEMUSEMENT. MARK
THROWS HIS HAND UP TO GRAB THE
ATTENTION OF THE TEACHER.
MARK
Miss, Johns an atheist. He
made his story up.
JOHN THROWS HIS RUBBER AT
MARK.
MARK (CONTD)
Aw.
(OUT)

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