FADE IN

INT APARTMENT KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING

In a Jersey City apartment, a black cauldron bubbles with
green liquid below a birdcage with a sleeping hawk in it
while an alarm clock blares.
SLAM CUT TO
BEDROOM
KELVIN, a 25-year-old wizard, sleeps awake in his bed.
His wizard hat is flopped over on his alarm clock. His eyes
open.
KELVIN
Crap.
Kelvin rolls out of bed and flops on the floor.
BATHROOM
Kelvin looks at himself in the mirror, magically using a
razor to shave himself. The razor glows with a light blue
aura as Kelvin idly twirls his fingers, manipulating it.
KITCHEN
Kelvin stumbles into the kitchen, briefly glancing at the
cauldron. He opens his fridge and levitates a cup of yogurt
out. He spoons some into his mouth with magic, swirling two
fingers in a scooping motion. The hawk softly crows, and
Kelvin tosses a mouse into its cage affectionately.
HALL
Kelvin stands in the doorway. He takes a step outside,
stops, and pats his head. Immediately, he reaches out a hand
and his hat flies towards him, hitting him in the face and
knocking him over.
He groans, gets up, and walks out the door.
THEME SONG (A 10-SECOND ELECTRIC-SOUNDING TUNE WITH NO
LYRICS AND A STRANGE BEAT) PLAYS

2.
INT PATH STATION - MORNING
Kelvin stands, waiting for a train, on a subway platform.
Beside him stand an attractive FEMALE ELF, a fat DWARF in a
business suit, and a GNOME in a track suit.
His train comes and he steps inside, sitting next to the
dwarf.
DWARF
(gruffly, with a Scottish
accent)
Ey. You a wizard?

Yep.

KELVIN
(annoyed)

DWARF
Ever since I slept with this gnome
hooker, I got dis itch on me dick.
Been bugging the hell out of me.
KELVIN
(shaking his head)
Not that kind of wizard.
DWARF
No, I aint askin for a medical
spell. I was just wondering if you
knew any wizards that could take
care of it for me.
Kelvin shakes his head again, avoiding the Dwarfs gaze.
DWARF
Come on, ya gotta know at least
one! The last guy I went ta charged
me fifty bucks to get rid of the
clap! I aint getting ripped off
like that again!
KELVIN
Look, try Doctor Wyvernburn. No
idea if he can help you with your
STD issues but hes good with
everything else.
Thank ya!

DWARF

Both parties sit in silence for a while. Kelvin settles down

in his seat, closing his eyes. His half-sleep is rudely
ended when the dwarf speaks again.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.
DWARF
You ever been with a gnome?
No.

KELVIN

DWARF
You should try it! Energetic little
buggers. Bet you get laid all the
time, though, what with the
wizarding and all.
FLASHBACK TO:
Kelvin sits at a computer in his apartment. He looks behind
him at his hawk cage. His hawk caws softly. Kelvin raises
his hands slightly, lifting a blanket off the ground.
Slowly, he drapes it over the cage. He reaches out for a
bottle of lotion on his desk, sighing.
BACK:
KELVIN
Yeah. All the time.
The dwarf slaps Kelvin on the back, almost knocking him out
of his chair.
DWARF
Thats a good lad!
Kelvins eyes wander to the attractive female elf from
earlier across the train as the dwarf continues to ramble.
She smirks when she notices, and he quickly looks away.
Luckily, hes rescued from the awkwardness by the trains
intercom
TRAIN INTERCOM
This stop is the 33rd street
station.
EXT. 33RD STREET, MORNING
Kelvin walks out of the subway and into the light. Around
him, the city bustles. Various fantasy races walk by in the
background, wearing modern attire.
We see a large crowd of dwarfs walk out of a bar, each
holding a giant flagon of beer, and an advertisement for "El
Rondo Hair Cream," with the subtitle of "look like youre
700 years old again!"
Kevin takes out his phone and taps screen to reveal a map,
which tells him to take a left.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

Kevin walks through the city as music plays. He walks by a

DRAGON SALESMAN behind a taco cart.
DRAGON SALESMAN
Bronzewings fire-breathing salsa!
Hottest salsa this side of Mexico!
So hot even Lancelot couldnt slay
it!
Kevin looks slightly uneasy as he passes by the cart. He
comes to a crosswalk and nervously checks his watch.
Groaning, he casts a flashy levitation spell (causing
several bystanders to yell at him) and floats over the
traffic, which includes a truck full of gnomes holding
various gardening equipment.
He touches down in front of a large office building, made of
metal, glass, and some sort of glowing stone. He steps
inside.
INT. LEFAY BUILDING, MORNING
Kevin walks into the building, pulling out his phone to
check it again. His lack of attention causes him to walk
into a medium-sized female dragon, RADIANTSCALES CAPUT, more
commonly known as RADE. He stumbles backwards and falls on
the floor, intimidated.
RADE
(angry)
Watch where youre goingRade notices his hat, on the floor beside him. She rolls her
eyes.
RADE
Oh, a wizard. Nevermind.
KELVIN
(offended)
Whats that supposed to mean?
RADE
You people are always clumsy.
KELVIN
Thats incredibly offensive.
Wizards arent allKelvin accidentally pulls a rabbit out of his hat while
trying to put it back on. He sighs and opens the door,
letting it hop outside. Its promptly picked up and eaten by
an Orc.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

KELVIN
That proves nothing.
Mmmhhhmm.

RADE

They sit in awkward silence, waiting for the elevator.

KELVIN
You work here?
Yes.

RADE

KELVIN
Oh. What trading company?
RADE
(offended)
Oh, now look whos being
stereotypical! Not all dragons work
with money!
KELVIN
(nervous)
R-Right. Sorry. So what do you do?
RADE
Im an electrical engineer at
Quik-Flight.
Kelvin flinches.
KELVIN
Really? Well, uh, Guess well be
seeing more of each other.
What?

RADE

(beat)
Oh! Youre the new magical
engineer?
Thats me.

KELVIN

RADE
(sarcastically)
After what happened to the last guy
Im sure that you were just jumping
at the job.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

Last guy?

KELVIN
CUTAWAY:

A much older wizard is sitting at a cauldron, which

explodes. He rockets through the air, breaks through a
window, and falls to his death.
BACK:
RADE
(smirking)
Dont worry about it.
The elevator doors open with a ding, and a few elves walk
out. The elevator compartment looks too small for Rade to
fit in at all, much less with Kelvin.
Kelvin looks awkwardly at Rade.
KELVIN
You go first, you were here first.
RADE
First? We can both fit in that,
easily.
Kelvin looks at the elevator, then back to her.
KELVIN
Uh... Alright. So I justRADE
(interrupting him)
Get in, Ill squeeze in after.
Kelvin walks inside the elevator, pressing himself against
the wall. Rade slinks in after him, pinning him to the wall
with the side of her body as she curls like a snake. She
presses the button for the top floor with a claw.
RADE
So, where you from?
KELVIN
(gasping for air)
New Jersey.
Where?

RADE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

KELVIN
Atlantic City.
RADE
Really? You?
Kelvin squirms, trying to free his lungs.
Yeah.
Hm.

KELVIN
RADE

The elevator doors open...

INT QUIKFLIGHT OFFICE ENTRANCE, MORNING
...revealing JOSEPH A. RENIBUS III, a dwarf with a giant,
graying beard wearing a business suit. Chest hair pokes out
from the spaces in his dress shirt.
RENIBUS
(in a heavy Scottish accent)
Ah, Rade! Youre ten minutes early!
Yes, sir.

RADE

RENIBUS
Workin hard! Theres a good lass!
Renibus claps her hard on the back as she walks out of the
elevator. This action surprises her, causing a few wisps of
flame to fly out her nostrils. Kelvin collapses to ground,
panting.
RENIBUS
Who are you?
Kelvin looks up and tries to answer, but is panting too
hard.
RADE
Thats the new wizard, sir.
RENIBUS
Really? Scrawny little fella.
RADE
They often are, sir.

(CONTINUED)