Nuts

News
Melanie Fritz
February 18,
2015

Death by
Drowning
Our
investigations lead us
to a breaking news
story, topping all
headlines today. Some
say this is the most
shocking and
devastating event to
ever occur in history. A
familys goldfish has
died. He was only 2
weeks old. The family
of poor Goldie say that,
and I quote he was a
bright young lad.
Always swimming and
the happiest he could
be. After visiting the
scene of the tragic
accident, we got word
from the family on the
situation. Theresa
Smith and her son
Roger both stated that
they are truly
depressed with this
incident. Theresa said

that her son was

attached to the toilet
for days crying over
Goldies death while
she comforted him.
According to Roger, the
cause of death was
pronounced as a
drowning. The family
even is going to great
lengths to get a tomb
stone hedged onto the
back of their toilet
where the shrine of the
poor deceased goldfish
now lies. Today,
Theresa and Roger say
that Goldie may be
gone but never
forgotten and he is
always in their hearts
and now thanks to the
news and media, he is
in the memory of all
people everywhere as
well.

Exercises to
Keep America
lazy
Michele Obama
as paired up with many
organizations and
teamed up with the
school systems to
encourage your child to
get fit and feel better,
not only on the outside
but on the inside.
Parents are
encouraging this and

even helping out.

Renee Reed is the
mother of two
daughters, Heather and
Sara. She says that
every day she
encourages their
physical movement.
Heather and Sara are
the ideal picture of
health, according to
their mother. Both 52
and weighing in at 200
pounds each. Just as
teens are lazy and hate
the everyday struggle
of exercise, parents
around the globe are
baffled on what
possible method Renee
is using to get her
teens to exercise
regularly. She gave us
insight on the routine.
Every day consists of 3
different exercises.
They do arm curls,
Renee gives each an
extra-large Slurpee and
picking it up and
putting it down for 30
mins works out their
arms. Next they do
crunches, which consist
of 5-10 reps of hearing
the crunching noise of
chips as they chew.
Lastly they do cardio,
consisting of speed
walking to the vending
machine and squatting
down to get their treat.
Renee says this is the
best routine to follow to

ensure the health of

our children. She
encourages many other
mothers and families to
follow as it will help the
child live a full and fun
life.

Teen Pregnancy:
as bad as Ebola?
Headlining in the
news this morning is
word of a new and very
rapidly spreading
disease known as teen
pregnancy. This disease
is spreading between
females of the age of
15-19 with already
273,105 children born
so far to this age
group. Coming in
contact with these
infected teens will
cause your teen
daughter to become
infected as well and 9
months later pop out a
young child. We visited
Roswell High School in
Roswell, New Mexico to
get some insight on the
spreading of the
disease and how to
prevent it. New Mexico
had been known as the
state with the most
teen pregnancies. The
principle of the school,
James Tanner, said it
started with about 3

girls. The 3 had had

contact with boys prior
to their diagnosis of the
disease. The boys
didnt have any
symptoms or show
signs of catching the
disease. They seem to
be the carriers of it as
we would like to
predict. More and more
girls seemed to be
catching this. We are
truly devastated and in
a grieving time in need
of prayers. After
meeting with the
school, we headed off
to consult Doctor Drew,
an expert in teen
conception. He stated
that the boys are
indeed the cause of the
epidemic and the only
way to prevent and
protect your child from
bearing this disease is
to make sure they are
protected. Using
sources such as
condoms and birth
control medication will
lower your teens risk.
The most effective way
to prevent this is to put
your daughter in a
bubble to keep her
away from boys until
she is out of school.
Many families are
taking this caution
advice and have found
it effective. The
numbers have since

lowered and we are

seeing improvement in
the numbers.

Racism: its in
the womb
We cant control
the amount of racism
that occurs. We are all
spawn of a very racist
environment. No
matter what ethnicity
you are whether it be
Caucasian, Hispanic,
Jewish, or African
American let me tell
you, you are all hated
by one another. In a
recent study it was
shown that 75% of
African Americans are
racially discriminated in
many public places and
events such as
branches of the army.
Racism is what we are
born with. Mindy
Sanchez, a Hispanic
woman who is 8
months pregnant has
been confirmed by the
doctors that her little
baby girl inside of her
is indeed a racist. She
states that after the
conception of the child,
she knew something
didnt feel right. She
felt herself becoming
more hateful toward
other ethnicities and

after a visit to the

doctor and numerous
testing; they have
concluded that the
little girl inside her is
harnessing copious
amounts of rage and
anger toward many
different cultures. The
highest racial hate she
has is for, and get this,
her own kind.
Psychologists say that
this may be happening
due to the prenatal
environment of being
around a family of
Hispanics and hearing
and absorbing all this
into the womb. Born a
month later, little
Isabella is said to have
cried at the sight of
everyone when she
arrived out, even
crying at her Caucasian
doctor and at the
African American
nurses that delivered
her. They fear for when
she gets older and the
racism only
strengthens. Sources
are saying to let this be
a message for the
people of the world
that we influence
racism even in the
womb, possessing the
new life with views of
the society. For more
information please

contact the child within

your womb and teach
them a positive
outlook.

Homophobia: a
look on the other
side of the
rainbow
Charles Daley is
like any other southern
boy in his hometown of
Valdosta, GA; Young,
vulnerable, and mighty
afraid of gay people.
Since a young age his
mother said that he
cant even look at a
homosexual without
running and screaming
bloody murder. Since
he has such a bad fear
he has been taken to a
psychological research
center to be helped.
There they treat the
patients fear of gay
people by giving the
person a shot that
shows them what its
like to be a homosexual
in this time period. The
effect lasts until they
learn to accept other
people no matter their
sexual orientation. The
drug he is given is

called, in modern
terms, the rainbow
cure. Doctors say they
have given it to a
number of people to
cure their homophobic
ways. Some side
effects may be seeing
rainbows,
hallucinations of a gay
marriage ceremony,
and other ridiculous
mind tricks. After being
in the treatment center
for a few months,
Charles said that he
now is seeing the views
of the world through a
gay mans eyes.
Although still a little
hesitant, he knows the
world will always see
the same way even as
his views have
changed. The miracle
rainbow cure could
have enough power to
cure all the world of
their negative
discriminations of
homosexual people
everywhere. People will
see the rainbow, taste
the rainbow, and
become one with the
rainbow.