Cassie Tolhurst

COMM 2110
Relational Change Project
Date: April, 24, 2015

This paper is an in-depth look at my personal change project. My objective for

this project was to improve my responses to feedback and other conversations with
my loved ones and those close to me. I utilized several strategies found in the text
to help me approach situations and achieve my goal. This knowledge helped me
focus on understanding, identifying emotional nose, and avoiding active verbal
responses, polarization, and selective listening. Over the course of this project I
have seen improvements in my responses, and that helps cultivate better
relationships in my personal life. While there always room for improvement, I am
happy with what has been accomplished thus far. In the future I would love to
continue these patterns, and also focus on responding with I messages instead of
you messages.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

When my loved ones give me feedback that I dont like, I usually get really
defensive and snap back at them. Even though they have the best intentions and
arent trying to hurt me, I usually still feel unfairly targeted and sometimes lash out
back at them and dismiss what they are saying. If I can learn to accept feedback
from them, it will improve our relationship, and help me improve my own self.

These detrimental habits arent good for healthy relationships. While conflict and
feeling are unavoidable, these reactions can quickly escalate simple conflicts into
ego conflicts. (Beebe, 2013, p. 228) When I act defensive I dont practice active
listening and I often dont hear what the other party is really trying to say.
Here are two real life examples

I was spending time with my boyfriend and I was having a really rough day. I
had been very tired lately and wasnt feeling very good about myself. I was
venting to him about my day and then I started talking about my self-esteem.
Of course he chimes in telling me I am beautiful, but I keep talking about my
problem with weight. I was already in a negative state of mind, and I kept
turning everything into a personal attack even though it wasnt. He
suggested that I should join a gym, and while in retrospect that is a very good
suggestion, but at the time I took it personal and like he was agreeing with
me about my weight problem. This really hurt my feelings, and it escalated
the conversation really fast. My boyfriend was pretty stunned, because he
was just trying to offer help. When he confronted me about it, he said he
didnt understand why I was overreacting. This again felt like an attack, even

though it wasnt meant as one.

At my previous job I was in management and felt really confident in my
abilities. I was struggling one month, and it was showing in my productivity
and my teams numbers. It was right after I had gotten promoted and I felt a
little overwhelmed. Since I was the only female in management in my
department I felt like I had a lot of hurdles and obstacles to overcome. One
day my supervisor took me into a meeting room and asked my about what
was going on. I instantly felt defensive, like I had to prove to him that I was

doing just fine even though I knew I was struggling a bit. He then continued
to talk to me about my performance, but I wasnt really understanding his
actual intent because I had already gone on the defensive and felt like he was
criticizing me.
In both of these situations I had people I who cared about me and how I was
doing approach me with feedback, and instead of seeing their good intentions
I only felt attacked. I didnt know how to lower my walls and understand their
true meaning. If I had utilized the tools that I have learned thus far in this
class the scenarios would have gone much smoother, and probably would
have strengthened my relationship with the other party.

Strategies
After I identified the communication habit that I wanted to improve on, I
looked for strategies that would help me achieve my goal. I wanted to bring in these
strategies not only in feedback situations, but in all aspects of communication in my
life.
The first strategy I chose to focus on was understanding and avoiding
selective listening. While this may seem like a very simple concept, it is incredibly
important to healthy communication. If I help cultivate my understanding of what is
being said by my loved one, I wont jump to conclusions and assign negative hurtful
meanings to the feedback I am given. (Beebe, 2013, p. 122) This practice is the first
basic step that I need to implement if I am going to improve my communication
skills. If the message isnt understood completely, it can be twisted and
manipulated with hurt feelings and turn into a completely different meaning. This

isnt helpful to the sender or the receiver, and presets a large roadblock in the
communication process. () If you focus on unbiased understanding, you can
approach a situation with clarity and it will be much easier to navigate. If you avoid
selective listening, you can understand the whole intended message instead of
focusing on the parts that you dont like or have conflict with. (Beebe, 2013, p. 127128)
Second I want to be aware of my personal emotional noise when approaching
a situation. Emotional noise can cloud the message, and make a situation charged if
it is about a sensitive subject. If I am aware of this, I can help navigate through it
and find the intended meaning. (Beebe, 2013, p. 127-128) Emotional noise can also
elicit active verbal responses. These are responses that are often sarcastic and
defensive, attacking the other person. These really hurt those involved in the
conversation and are often very emotionally charged. (Beebe, 2013, p. 295) If I
avoid those, my interactions will go a lot smoother for both parties.
I also will actively avoid internal polarization. This is often looked at as the
either you are with me or against me approach. I will look at criticism and
feedback as a dialogue instead of an attack on my character. (Beebe, 2013, p. 168)

Constraints
There were a couple constraints that I ran into on this project. First was the
fact that my unwanted communication pattern was responding to feedback, and
that doesnt happen that often. Interactions happen every day, but the type of
interaction that I was focusing on wasnt that common of an occurrence. The other
constraint I ran into was my preconditioned actions. I had such a habit of defending

myself constantly that it was hard to take a step back and implement the strategies.
It is much easier to default to comfortable patterns instead of actively trying to
improve your actions.

Implementation
When I began this project I focused on the very basic strategy of
understanding. When I was interacting with someone and I was put in a situation
that I was receiving feedback I really did my best to understand their point of view,
and their actual meaning. Laying the fundamental ground layer of understanding, I
was able to build the other strategies on top of it much easier. (Beebe, 2013, p. 122)
To start understanding the intended message, I had to avoid selective
listening. I tried to open my mind to hear the entire message, instead of just a small
portion. I started this process in hopes of improving my relationship with my
boyfriend, family, and coworkers. I think I have seen the most improvement with my
interactions with my boyfriend, Dylan.
Dylan and I were trying to think of something to eat. For some reason grocery
stores really stress me out, and I like to have a meal or plan figured out ahead of
time but this time we just went in blind. We couldnt decide on what to make for
dinner, and it was giving me a lot of anxiety. He couldnt really understand why I
was getting so upset, and honestly I couldnt even explain it either. When he asked
me about it I used an active verbal response (Beebe, 2013, p. 295) I snapped back
with a sarcastic remark- which isnt good. I realized it right after, and I apologized. I
let him know that I was just getting stressed out and that I was sorry. We ended up
picking something simple and heading home. My boyfriend and I have been getting

along a lot better. We dont really fight that much, but I know that when we do- I
dont always handle it well. We are working on how to communicate better, and I
have been really focusing on my understanding. (Beebe, 2013, p. 122) I have been
trying to see what his intentions are behind what he saying, not is just interpreting
his words my own way.
I feel like my relationship with him has shown the most growth because I am
the most sensitive when it comes to him. The example I provided shows that I am
not perfect when it comes to implementing the strategies, but I have been able to
identify when I should use them better and what to avoid doing. If I notice myself
giving a combatant response, I can correct or apologize for it.
Another time I successfully implemented a strategy was when I was talking
with my mother. We were talking about our days and then we started talking about
cleaning. She made some comments about me keeping up on my laundry. Normally
in this situation I would get really upset, because it kind of feels like she is attacking
me- but I kept some strategies I learned in mind. I focused on avoiding internal
polarization (Beebe, 2013, p. 168), I did my best not to take it personal. I laughed it
off, and knew that she wasnt trying to personally attack me.
I managed to overcome the constraints mentioned above by taking a step
back when analyzing the situation, and applying the techniques I learned in multiple
situation. Instead of only using the strategies when I was given feedback, I used
them in multiple aspects and interactions in my life. For example, Dylan and I have
been dating a year, feel I felt that we had started to argue about more and more
things. Although, while I often have good reason- I would be the one who got hurt
feelings first and turned it into a conflict. That conflict then turned into an ego

conflict (Beebe, 2013, p. 228) with hurt feelings. I have started to use a combination
of these techniques to help me manage our interactions and we are much happier
as a couple.

Results
I feel that the outcome of this project was very successful. While I am
nowhere near perfect in my interactions, becoming more aware has helped me
improve several of my relationships. I was able to experience positive consequences
like less fighting, happier interactions, and emotional benefits. Some of the negative
consequences would be the fact that I had to sometimes swallow my pride.
Admitting you are wrong is never easy, but I had to apologize several times over the
course of this project. While it wasnt fun for me, I do think it helped strengthen my
relationship with the other party involved. I feel like my plans lined up very were
with the theory form the text explained it, but there will always be variances. I
might receive feedback that was actually meant maliciously, or other problems
might arise.

Recommendations
I look forward to continuing to implement the strategies and techniques I
have learned throughout my future communications. I feel that the overall project
was very successful, and if I keep doing my best I will achieve even better
relationships and interactions.

In the future I would also like to include I messages instead of you

messages. This theory will help me explain my feelings better if I do feel hurt or
upset by something that is said to me. When you use a you message, it places the
blame on the other party. If you use an I message, you take responsibility for your
own feelings and helps lower the defensiveness in the interaction. (Beebe, 2013, p.
175). If I continue to make progress on my original strategies, and implement and
refine new ones I think I will reach even more success in the future.

Works Cited
Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2013). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to
Others (7th Edition). Boston: Pearson HE, Inc.