Comments Essay #2

1. I wanted to delete this sentence because below the different

parts are discussed in terms of Wardles article. I believe being
too repetitive can lead to the audience being very bored and
potentially have them stop reading. I like how it is formally
explained below therefore mentioning it above isnt necessary.
2. I tweaked this sentence because I felt a few words that were in
there before did not sound professional at all. I want my essays
to sound very formal and not be full of low vocabulary. I was able
to make this sentence sound a lot better by changing up the
wording just a little.
3. Before this sentence just wasnt very specific when talking about
parts. I felt I should add in what I meant by parts. This is why I
added in the every other parts of the activity system triangle
so that the audience knew that the skills chart affects all of the
parts of the triangle specifically.
****This paragraph was a sloppy mess before with examples thrown
everywhere making everything very confusing for the audience. I
was able to organize it first to talk about how the skills chart affects
each part of the triangle specifically.
4. Before I threw random examples about how the skills chart
affects the community. With this set of highlights I simply
described who is a part of our community and I gave a few
examples for the audience to be able to understand better.
Before I dont think the audience was able to see how the skills
chart can affect just the community.
5. I tweaked this sentence a little because I felt the way it was
worded made it hard for the understand to understand exactly
what this book is and what part of the activity system triangle it
is part of. I described the FHSSA rulebook in a simpler way this
time. I also had words in there such as double flips which I
realized my audience wouldnt understand so I took those out of
the sentence as well for that reason.
6. I added this little sentence in to explain the previous sentence a
little further. I stated previously we would lose the competition
but no one probably knew why and thats why I added in this
sentence. I wanted to describe that if you performed a skill that
wasnt in the handbook it is prohibited and that is why we would
lose.
7. I did not like the way I worded these sentences before I made
these changes. I flipped the first sentence to make it sound
better when the audience reads it. I believe stating the
vocabulary word first then defining it was a better way to go. I
also changed the way I describe how the skills chart affects the
subjects because I feel as if I described it poorly before. I think

the way I described it now by stating it has a domino affect may

make it better for the audience to understand.
8. I wanted to add this sentence in considering the whole paragraph
is about that. I wanted the audience to know what the paragraph
would be about before they actually read it. So I just figured
saying now I will talk about my discourse community and how it
applies to Johns six lenses will let the audience know that I will
describe each characteristic in my specific discourse community.
9. I saw a comment to talk more in depth about how these things
can create an identity for the cheerleaders. So here I added a
few sentences going into more depth about how these things
actually make people know who the cheerleaders are around my
school.
10.
I felt I jumped right into the whole changing every year
characteristic so discretely without even letting the audience
know. This is why I added in that the next characteristic is
changing over time so my audience would understand that is
what I am talking about.
11.
I was way to short when describing gatekeeping as you had
let me know that through a comment on my paper. This is why I
added in many sentences to go into more depth about how
gatekeeping works on my team. I also added in examples so that
the audience would be able to see how what I described is put
into action.
12.
I did not like the way I wrote this sentence before because I
said I use identity to analyze the skills chart which doesnt
make any sense. I changed it to I use the skills chart to analyze
two different identities because that sounded better and it also
shows the audience what my paragraph would be about before
they start reading it.
13.
When I wrote this paper the first time I was familiar with
the lenses and how they work in my discourse community but
now I am a lot more familiar. I described how the skills chart
portrays identity in a very confusing way that I did not like before
due to lack of understanding. Now I have re-described how it
portrays identity in a much better simpler way.
14.
I was less familiar with the subject of gatekeeping and how
it works in my community, which made everything I wrote before
confusing. I decided to re-write this part to make it much simpler
and a better way of relating the skills chart to gatekeeping.
15.
When I wrote my research questions before I was very
confused. I did not understand how to make a proper research
question until I met with you later on and you helped me. Now I
know how to make good research questions so I have re-wrote
two research questions.