SIXTY SHADES OF PAIN WITH A NARCISSIST

Have you ever met a narcissist ? Do you feel your significant other or spouse is a
Narcissist ? Possibly work with one ?
Narcissists are usually very charming and often very attractive. Which means that
people always trust them at the beginning. The are also very persuasive with lots of
promises about what they will give you in return for a small or large favor, but these
promises never materialize after they get what they want from you or anyone
else.LOVEBOMBING. Early in a relationship they use a tactic called
LOVEBOMBING to gain trust and a relationship that gives a Narcissist a source of
Energy or Supply. In other words, a person they can control, belittle and abuse ! If you
happen to go into a business venture with them often there is a decent return for the
money invested, this with be convincing enough to gain your trust. They plan another
venture which often times does not work out as planned, narcissists always make sure
any they always get more than anyone else,likely this is the last time you trust them at
all.
SADLY, THESE ADJECTIVES ARE TRUE
They are described having a God-like self image, greedy, lack empathy, verbally
abusive, physically abusive ,disrespectful, arrogant, predatory, highly volatile,
compulsive liars and very controlling. They can and will terrorize their families to keep
control of them. If they cannot control those around them or their situations they become
angry and abusive. Unfortunately these personalities are not able to experience normal
emotions such as empathy, as others do. They always are on the hunt for a supply of
energy that they drain from lovers, employees and business partners . They will use
psychological abuse to make those closest to them lose self esteem and the will to
question the narcissists actions. Additionally they remain in control of social situations
and finances by constant degradation of their spouses. Money is the most important
thing to Narcissists, often they will engage in illegal behavior to ensure business deals
go in their favor. In the work place narcissists initially are hard working up to a point
where they feel that they want to be in charge and in control. Eventually becoming
argumentative with co-workers and making the environment difficult to work in. It is no
surprise that this arrogant persona results in the Narcissist getting everything in life,
especially in legal situations. Their favorite motto is The squeaky wheel gets the oil
BRAIN WASHING, LOVE BOMBING AND GROOMING
Jennifer & Hameed :
This handsome fella and his charm made Jennifer feel as though she knew exactly
what she was getting into when she decided to marry someone from Iran. She loved his
family and how proper and generous everyone was. They all seemed to know exactly

how to behave in all social situations and were always very hospitable to Jennifer. They
made her feel welcome into the family early on. Hameed carefully made sure he was
generous to Jennifer and made her feel needed. This is called Love Bombing, it's a
form of Grooming. It began soon after they met , Hameed would give her money in an
attempt to influence her with lavish gestures and demonstrations of attention. He
suggested they buy a car together all while professing his love for her and no one else.
Jennifer began to fall for all of his lies and never doubted his sincerity. To the narcissist
personality this was how he gained trust and a New Supply, Hameed was attracted to
women who were energetic and had something he wanted. Jennifer was very
independent and to marry her it was a guaranteed Green Card, which would ensure
he could remain in the United States for as long as he wanted. The New Supply was
on the heels of a recently ended relationship which in fact was over-lapped for a while.
Love Bombingis commonly used by cult leaders and abusive predators, it's use is to
override the targets critical thinking skills and manipulate that person. She didn't
realize until many years later it was her sweet and trusting personality that he was
looking for in a wife. He wanted someone he could control and do virtually anything for
him and his family. Her nave demeanor was exactly what he needed. This would be the
predatory personality trait of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. theoretically Jennifer &
Hameed made the perfect couple if you were going to be a NARCISSIT HUSBAND.
Knowing him in college she often wondered why he chose to ask her to get married,
knowing he had several girlfriends before him. He had come to the US for his education
and had promised his family he would return and marry someone they chose for him.
She was surprised to get a proposal soon after he left, she decided it was a sound
decision and accepted. The new title of being engaged meant she was expected to do
many favors for his family because some of them wanted to immigrate to this country.
Hameed put her to work immediately. She was a very trusting person to the point of
being naive. It seems that Hameed had an agenda, he needed someone in this country to
help his family and he needed a Green Card to legally live in this country. Being the
narcissist that he was , his behavior was predatory and calculating. Jennifer was the
perfect target for his future needs.

WHAT IS A GREEN CARD MARRIAGE WORTH ?

There is a reason that American spouses often get paid large sums of money to marry
foreign nationals, which would allow them to stay and live in this country. Of course
these are arrangements are made between couples who plan to stay married just long
enough to ensure that the Green Card is valid. I have heard of Americans getting
between $5,000.00 and $75,000.00 for signing their name on a marriage license. Do
you think that Jennifer was lucky enough to be compensated for her marriage to
Hameed ? It did not even cross her mind as she intended this marriage to be for

love and hoped it was forever. However these marriages are usually not nearly as
simple to arrange as a typical marriage. In Jennifer and Hameed's situation, there
were several family members who also wanted to come and live in the United States
as well. In all cases there was applications for visas, sponsorships, school
enrollments, housing and transportation arrangements, banking, host families and
even a petition for a Fiance Visa While Hameed was in Iran he would call
Jennifer to make these requests of her. This kept her incredibly busy and she had to
learn about the laws of immigration along the way.

CULTURAL IMMERSION
It was always very important to Jennifer to be liked by others. She often would do
favors for people, she was very agreeable and as sweet as can be. When she met Hameed
who was from Iran, she though it may be a bit challenging to fit in with his friends
and family because of the language barrier and cultural differences. When she met
his parents on their trip to see their son graduate from college, she paid very close
attention to all of the details of the food , entertainment & fashion preferences. Jennifer
would spend time in the kitchen with her future mother-in-law taking notes on recipes &
spices used in Iran. Over the years Jennifer became a very good Persian
cook.....occasionally she would improve on some of the very favorite dishes in this
culture. While she was learning about new a spice and their uses, she slowly began to
pick up the language as she would ask Hammed's mother what to buy when they would
grocery shop. She bought herself a few Persian cookbooks and studied them carefully,
she also found she loved the food and aromas. The habits of mealtimes she found very
interesting, often there were large gathering and lunches were more like large dinners
followed by a nap before returning to work. The serving of aromatic tea and pastries
after a huge meal was customary . She learned very soon about a custom of Taroffing
when a hostess will insist that her guest eat as much as she would serve them, it was
polite to not refuse the hostesses offers.
Jennifer was more than happy to run around making housing and transportation
arrangements for the family who were to arrive in Seattle very soon. In addition she
enrolled five kids in public school and promised to sponsor a couple of them. The
following year she was actually living in Iran with her fiance and his remaining family,
she found herself at the American Embassy asking permission to to bring his 15 year old
brother to the United States and promise to support him while he was here. She was
granted permission to enter the US with and enrolled him in school.
Jennifer returned to the US with Hameed's younger brother and was his official
guardian for a few months. He went to high school and moved in with another brother
for awhile. When Hameed eventually returned to the US to marry Jennifer, the four of
them rented a roomy house near the high school in a suburb of Seattle. The arrangement

was expected as the teenagers were now living in this country without their parents. For
Jennifer this was a lot of responsibility, she was a newlywed, working and found herself
expecting her first child. What she knew of Hameed's culture she assumed that family
was very important and the news of a new baby would be very welcomed. She
immediately found out that this news made Hameed very angry. He had a big fit when
he found out and ordered Jennifer to get an abortion. Jennifer was so stunned by his
reaction, she made an appointment with a local clinic for an abortion. But ten minutes
later she called back and canceled the appointment. She rehearsed how she would speak
to Hameed when he came home from work. She said to him : either life from now on
will be with the 3 of us, you, me and the baby, OR me and the baby, because I will not
terminate this pregnancy. You better decide whether you want to remain married.
Jennifer reasoned that she was not a teenager and was not an unwed person, why would
she even consider an abortion. Hameed stayed , if he didn't stay married for a minimum
of 2 years he would be deported back to Iran. He always wanted to be in control of all
decisions, and he felt completely out of control with this new turn of events So the first
year of marriage everyday life began to decline quickly. Hameed resented Jennifer for
having a child he felt he was not ready for. Instead of being supportive of her and her
difficult pregnancy, he yelled and criticized Jennifer constantly. The Honeymoon was
definitely over after a short 6 months.
Hameed's need to be in control of absolutely everything intensified year after year. If
the family needed a new car, Hameed would go buy one and bring it home without
Jennifer even being consulted. When Jennifer came home from work on payday,
Hameed would stand by the door with his hand out and demand to have it. He insisted
on controlling all the finances and seldom let her balance checkbooks. Later when he
started his construction company, he changed his personal address to his office so he
would control all of the bank statements. Hameed kept the keys to the office and never
allowed Jennifer a set. When income taxes were due, Hameed would bring the tax
returns home with little yellow tabs stuck to pages that needed Jennifer's signature.
When she asked to take a minute and review the return's , Hameed would slam his hand
loudly on the counter and yell that he was late for the post office, hurry up and sign it.
This behavior always intimidated Jennifer, and she would give up and sign so he would
leave the house.
Jennifer gave birth to a beautiful son before their first wedding anniversary. She was
so happy to have a boy thinking a daughter might have made Hameed a little angry. He
seemed to care for the boy but soon became jealous of his presence in the family.
Hameed's screaming and yelling whenever he was home got worse, Jennifer could never
do anything right. He criticized her for being a lousy housekeeper, told her was a terrible
cook, complained that she spent too much money and nagged her for putting on some
extra weight. Jennifer was so unhappy and was certain she had a mistake marrying

Hameed. His culture did not allow for a divorce in the family.
Hameed lost his job soon after their son was born, so Jennifer returned to work and
he stayed home with the baby. Jennifer needed to return to work to take care of the
family and to share expenses with her two teenage brother in -laws. She really didn't
mind making her contribution to the family. She knew that in the future she would
always be treated equally by her husband after all they were a team now. What Jennifer
didn't realize was that she was married to someone who was a pathological liar a conartist and a very greedy person, a text book Narcissist.
Seven years after they were married her father in-law passed away. She knew that he
had a very large estate in Iran. She asked Hameed if he received any inheritance from his
father, he told her no. He said things were tied up and complicated, maybe later he
would see something come his way. For the remainder of the marriage Jennifer never
heard one word about any inheritance money. Hameed in actuality was getting his
inheritance but kept it to himself. If Jennifer ever got a little extra money like a 20
thousand dollar settlement for an auto injury, he would say he was broke and needed the
money from her, with promises to re-pay it later. He was getting a few million in
inheritance and felt he needed to take money from Jennifer as well. Twenty thousand
dollars was a lot of money to Jennifer and she fully expected he would pay her back
when he had the money...little did she know he had money coming in from his late
father. He was so clever to not spend any of the inheritance on anything lavish. He kept
all bank statements at his office, he put exactly $2,000.00 each month into their joint
checking account. This allowed him complete control of exactly the money Jennifer
could spend on all household expenses, and all expenses in regard to the children.
However Jennifer began to notice that his brothers wives seemed to have more money
spend on anything important, nicer homes, nicer cars, better vacations. She wondered
how this was possible given all brothers had similar positions in the workplace with
similar salaries. Jennifer would occasionally play bingo with her friends, she would be
so excited when she won $25.00, because this was a little bit of cash Hameed did know
that she had in her purse. Even after they sold their first home for a $20,000.00 profit,
Jennifer never saw any of this money. Hameed took the profits and put it into his new
construction business. Four years later they sold their second house for a nice little profit
of $70,000.00, again Jennifer saw not one cent of this money, Hameed immediately
wrote a check to his company for $70,000.00. Whenever she questioned him about
money he would yell at her and spit in her face. He was very happy to intimidate her
however he could, he actually seemed to get some sort of pleasure out of inflicting
psychological pain on her and the two sons they had. Every evening when Hameed
returned from work he would walk into the house and start screaming about anything
that came to mind, house is a mess, food is awful, You are a terrible mother. The
entire house lived on pins and needles trying to figure out ways to keep peace in the
family . These confrontations often escalated to full blown yelling arguments,

occasionally becoming very physical...Hameed would throw Jennifer to the floor and sit
on her stomach so that he could choke her with both of his hands. On at the occasions
she called the police,this was in the 80's and if there were no bruises the police did
nothing except give lawyer advice.
BRAINWASHING BEGINS
When does a person decide that they need to brain wash someone close to them and
who loves them , are they born with this capability ? It begins with not telling the truth
and hiding so much about themselves, it eventually becomes a compulsion. In Hameeds
case it started soon after they were married. Jennifer was not aware until a few decades
later that Hameed started affairs only five years into the marriage. Maybe it was
because he was upset that he was no longer the center of Jennifer;s attention with the
new son in the family. One of the most effective techniques was the absolute silence
about Hammeds activities while away from the house. Jennifer spent years assuming he
was always working far too much when he would return each evening well after eleven
pm. She felt bad for him and empathized with him. She would encourage him to come
home early and join the family for dinner, that seldom happened.
STATE OF MINDS