Embracing Intentional Families

Penned by Charles Burnell 2015

Delivered at the West Wind Unitarian Universalist Congregation

With the holiday season officially upon us many of us have begun making plans for family time. This
usually means spending time with the traditional family. Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins,
siblings, partners and children are what we customarily think of when we use the word family. What
I want to talk about today is not the traditional family, as much as the intentional family. When we
choose to surround ourselves by people who provide us with love, support, and acceptance, we are
creating family with intention. Yes- When two people choose to partner, they are creating a family with
intention, but soon that intentional family evolves into filling the role of traditional family.
Today, I am not talking about a couple with children. I am not talking about a single parent with
children. Regardless of sexual preference, these alternative families have become more common. We
have made a point to clarify, marriage between two people of the same gender is not gay marriage its
just marriage. The sexual preference of the individuals entering into a conventional arrangement does
not make the family less traditional. They still function the same way, more or less, as an equivelant
family with a heterosexual couple.
It is not my intention to dismiss the importance of traditional family. Our first principle, The inherent
worth and dignity of every person certainly includes the traditional family. Every generation is
valuable and important. For those of us with large families, the example of the interdependent web may
clearly be reflected by the family dynamic found in the traditional family. Folks who live an alternative
lifestyle may not feel supported or accepted by their traditional family. Which is why many of us
branch out and create intentional extended families. You have a friend so close that you introduce them
to your children as Aunt or Uncle, even though they are not related...
Folks who identify as lesbian, gay, or transgender, may have family members who use holiday family
gatherings as an opportunity to show their lack of acceptance or understanding. The same can be said
about folks whose spiritual or political beliefs do not closely match that of their genetic families. The
bullying that can occur within an unsupportive genetic family can add to feelings of alienation and
isolation. The interdependent web strikes again. What happens around us affects us greatly, which is

why we choose friends who accept us, who encourage us.

As a welcoming congregation, we have taken time to educate one another about different sexual and
gender identities within the LGBTQ spectrum. When we say that we welcome everyone, it is my
understanding that people who live a polyamorous lifestyle are automatically covered under that
umbrella, Although, this is not something that we have spent much time talking about. As someone
who identifies personally as polyamorous, I have no desire to hide my identity and have spoken to a
few of you individually about this already. For those of you who are not familiar, I will provide a brief
definition.
Polyamory is a word compounded from the Greek poly, meaning "many or several", and the
Latin amor, meaning "love". Dictionary.com defines polyamory as participation in multiple and
simultaneous loving relationships. Wikipedia addresses polyamory [summarized] as the practice,
desire, or acceptance of intimate relationships that are not exclusive with respect to other intimate
relationships. The wiki-explanation is much longer in its entirety and focuses mostly on sexual or
romantic relationships. It goes on to state that a crucial defining characteristic is the emphasis on ethics,
honesty, and transparency.
The foundation of polyamory is a beautiful, reflection of the first and second principles that are
displayed on the wall behind me. My experience interacting with everyone here has shown me that we
are truly a welcoming congregation. We do not welcome without question, but rather question for the
sake of education and gaining a better understanding. In an effort to better support one another, we
strive to learn from each other. For the sake of education, I wanted to share my personal philosophy on
polyamory.
How does this relate to us as group? By working so hard at being such a welcoming congregation, all
of us function much like a larger poly family. Not in the sexual sense, but in the spiritual and communal
sense. Which will be better illustrated as I continue.
Preparing for this sermon, I started my search looking for existing sermons on alternative families.
Searching the UUA website for sermons on alternative families, I found three that mentioned LGBTQ
issues. None of them exactly hit the mark I was looking for. Unsatisfied with the what I had found on
alternative families, I returned to Google and searched Unitarian, Universalist, Polyamory. I was
pleased to discover the UUPA (Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness), and to learn that, at

the 2014 General Assembly in Rhode Island, Two GA delegates, who are also members of UUPA,
proposed a bylaw amendment to insert the phrase "family and relationship structures" into the UUA's
non-discrimination statement, as part of a larger package of amendments. The assembled delegates
passed the amendment package without hesitation.
If you wish to familiarize yourself with the UUPA, their website provides some interesting articles and
links. Through this site I found an article entitled Loving More and More Loving, posted on a
blogsite called Earthly Religion.
Reverend Brad Carrier writes : It is so human to wonder and care and try and want and miss and hold.
We are born of love, love of our parents, love of all our ancestors, love of lifes yearning for itself. How
can we be better at love? As religious liberals allowed to honestly consider such topics, as Universalists
seeking to love all as God loves all, we can ask in the most cosmic sense and the most intimate, how
can we be loving more and be more loving? Love, the yearning to join and replicate, is built into the
chemical bonds that make life. From crystals to amino acids to cells to organisms to animals to us, love
builds us. From a crystal wanting to grow to our wanting another, love is built in, seeming to us as
attraction, appreciation, and affection...Are not chemistry, bonding, contending and succeeding not part
of what is in us?
I have spoken to several different people who identify as polyamorous. Each has their own unique
version, or definition. I liken these differences to the differences in spiritual beliefs. We agree upon
some universal truths, and then personalize our individual beliefs and practices in ways that guide us
each along the path to living authentically in our own unique ways.
While it is most frequently associated with a persons sexual lifestyle, For me personally, polyamory has
become an integral part of my spirituality. If love is god, and god is love, then all love is divine. No
love should be identified as bad or wrong. Therefore, it seems only natural to include all types of
love. As I see it, the most socially supportive of these variations of love is familial love. I strive to
respect, appreciate, and validate all of my loving relationships, regardless of whether romance plays an
active role in those relationships. And, taking it a step further, I do not invalidate existing loving
relationships, simply because I have begun developing a new romantic relationship. Each interpersonal
relationship grows and develops in its own unique way. So when a casual friendship develops a deeper
more loving bond, that person becomes part of my family. In this manner, my intentional family grows.

When the definition of family is strictly limited to those who are genetically related, we limit the
closeness that we can attain within our interpersonal relationships. By opening up the definition of
family, to those people in our lives with whom we develop deep and loving bonds, by respecting and
nurturing those bonds- our intentional family begins to reflect the characteristics of the interdependent
web.
As with traditional family, there is ebb and flow. You may not necessarily all agree all of the time. You
may have a cousin with whom you share your most intimate secrets, whereas, your uncle may not even
know your shoe size. But Ideally, there is equity and acceptance, support and encouragement and a
great deal of love.
Regardless of gender, age, or sexuality, if there are multiple layers of loving that are nurtured within
your intentional family dynamic, then you are doing it right. It is a blessing worth celebrating.
Adria Brooks, from Mountain Vista UU, writes As UUs we are often asked to define what spiritual
practice means to us. I am asked this as frequently as I am asked to explain my sexual identity.
Too many times I hear these two components of our lives defined not by what they are, but by what
they are not. Unitarian Universalism is not stringent to a particular dogma, it is not meant to oppress,
and it is not Christianity. Polyamory is not cheating, it is not promiscuity, and it is not monogamy. Why
do we not instead answer in the affirmative by saying what we are?
Brooks goes on to say: So why does a group of atheists and humanists attend a church with recent
roots in the Abrahamic religions? I guess that many of us would include in our answer that we attend
UU congregations to (a) build community and (b) nurture individual growth. For me, these two
elements of our spiritual practice are best expressed in our seventh principle: respect for the
interdependent web. Never have I known an interdependent web stronger than that of polyamorous
relationships.
Reverend Carrier states Im not for us breaking into a free-love frenzy. But I am for freeing love. he
suggests that Being human is becoming aware of how love pervades our very existence, enlivening
our private and communal souls. How is this relevent to our congregation? Why does it matter when
we have already proven to one another that we are open and accepting? We have already exhibited a
lack of judgement. We are supportive of one another regardless of our different home environments.

We are very clearly welcoming to all. What does polyamory have to do with this congregation?
Aside from working hard to welcome everyone, I see it as specifically relevent to us because we share
love with one another. Our congregation is an interdependent web of many loves, some more intimate
than others. And each interpersonal relationship is unique- and respected. We share our joys and fears,
our sorrows and accomplishments. We recognize the inherent worth and dignity of every person within
our congregational family and conduct ourselves with love and compassion. We show one another love,
acceptance, and encouragement in so many ways. And it is absolutely worth celebrating!
Thanksgiving will be here soon. Many families take this holiday as an opportunity to gather together, to
feast and celebrate, to give thanks for the blessing of their loving family. Our congregation is like a
family, an intentional family. And it is a beautiful blessing! I hope that you all enjoy your family time
on Thanksgiving. And I would like to invite you all to come join us in celebration the day after
Thanksgiving, Friday, November 27th for a congregational Thanksgiving potluck.