Text from my

initial WP
submission:

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote: (ie,
the change[s] I made
to column 1)

How this change

impacts my paper:

non-scholarly article
from collectiveevolution discussing
musical benefits in
general,

What's this, Jimmy B?

If/when it's not
something that's
obvious, it might be
worth explaining -even if it's super-brief.

as well as a nonscholarly article from the

website collectiveevolution discussing
musical benefits with a
more general frame,

Here, I added the

website before
Collective-Evolution to
make it clear for the
reader that collective
evolution is a website.
This helps the flow of my
ideas make sense to the
reader.

The pieces I chose

[discussing the benefits
of music] possessed
conventions that were
rather different with
respect to content.

Brackets are only used

to "massage" quotes. I
think you wanted to use
parentheses here, but
I'm not they'd really do
anything for you
here...I'm looking for a
mini-road map in your
topic sentence -- where
will I be traveling in
this paragraph? Gimme
some more specificity.

The scholarly
publications and the nonscholarly article, all
discussing benefits of
music, possessed
conventions that differed
with respect to tone.

First, eliminating the

brackets and adding in
commas, to include that
the pieces all discuss the
benefits of music, makes
the sentence
grammatically correct.
Next, I changed the end
of the sentence in order to
tell the reader,
specifically, that the
paragraph will be about
the difference in tone
between the three pieces.
This is essential in order
to have an effective topic
sentence.

(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move, punctuation,
piece of evidence,
etc.)

The publication with

the psychological
discipline began
with ...

I don't know too much

about this publication,
JB -- the title, the
author, what they were
interested in...

So, I decided to
analyze two scholarly
publications, one
discussing the benefits of
music from a
psychological standpoint,
Practicing Shouldnt
Don't you think it'd help Feel Boring, and the
to know this stuff from other from a sociological
standpoint, The
the get-go? That way I
can make more sense of perceived benefits of
the finer points of your participative music
making for non-music
argument?
university students: a
comparison with music
students, as well as a
non-scholarly article
from the website
collective-evolution
discussing musical
benefits with a more
general frame, 7 Ways
Music Benefits Your
Heart, Brain, & Health,
and compare their
rhetorical features to
understand how they are
similar and different.

Because this statement in

the second paragraph
leaves the reader unclear
about the publications, I
included the names of the
articles along with the
discipline they discuss in
the first paragraph in
order to give the reader a
clearer understanding of
the articles I analyzed,
increasing their
comprehension of my
paper as a whole.

The publication from

the sociological
discipline began with
presenting the reader
with research facts and
possessed a more
formal tone.

Example/evidence for
this? Help me see it.

Here, including evidence

to exemplify the tones of
each piece makes it more
comprehensive for the
reader. For every article
that I discuss in this
paragraph, I include an
example from the text to
exemplify tone, and
reference the course
reader to prove whether
the piece conforms to the
conventional tone of its
genre or not. This
organizes my paragraph
and supports my
argument as well.

Also, I think you're

jumping around a bit.

The publication
with the psychological
discipline began with a
story from the authors
childhood and had a
more-casual tone, giving
the reader a sense of
personality. The author
introduces, I started
figure skating at the age
of ten. It strays from the
conventional tone of its
genre, however, because
according to the article
Navigating Genres,
scholarly pieces will
possess more formal
tones(course reader).

The psychological
publication provided
proven facts about the
benefits of music...

Well, what were they?

This sounds interesting
and important!

The psychological
publication provided
facts about memory
improvement related to
music, proving that they
go hand-in-hand, and
presented the reader
with...

Including what the facts

were about, more
specifically, gives the
reader a sense of what the
psychological article is
about. This increases the
readers level of
comprehension and
understanding because
this paragraph is about the
articles content.

It included the
surveyed responses of
test victims, and
furthermore discussed
how music can
positively impact
people personally and
socially.

Victims? Of what?

In contrast, the
sociological publication
presented an experiment
on the different social
benefits related to music
with a methods and
results section included
to prove its validity. It
included responses of the
test victims from the
experiment who were
surveyed on how music
had benefited them, and
furthermore discussed
how music can positively
impact people personally
and socially.

Here, including where the

test victims are from(the
experiment on the
different social benefits
related to music) makes
my statement clear for the
reader. It creates flow in
my paragraph, too,
without confusing the
reader and straying them
from the main point of my
paragraph.

Aside from the

conventions regarding
content, each piece
possessed structural
conventions that were
both similar and
different.

Again, more direction

would be helpful to me as
a reader.

Aside from the

conventions regarding
content, each piece
possessed structural
conventions that were
fairly similar.

Initially, my topic
sentence was a bit
ambiguous and didnt
possess direction. My
paragraph solely talks
about the structural
similarities, so stating that
these articles have
structural conventions
that are fairly similar
gives the reader a clear
idea of what they will be
reading about in the
paragraph.

Consistent with these,

the non-scholarly
article was split into
sections too, but didnt
include diagrams or
charts. Instead, it
provided the reader
with a video at the
bottom of the page
explaining facts and
research behind
musical benefits.

What all of these

Could this be connected
with an aspect of visual factual conventions have in
common is that they are
literacy/rhetoric?

This article uses

Such as?
moderate language that
could fit a more
general audience, but
because the content
discusses health
benefits derived from
music, it seems to be
focussed toward a
more mature audience
who could apply these
findings to both
themselves and their
kids.

used to provide the reader

with clear, visual evidence
in order to prove the
argument's validity (music
has many benefits). In the
article Spaces for
Writing(In the Course
Reader), it states,
nineteenth-century books
on rhetoric often
incorporated illustrations
and diagrams to help their
readers become better
speakers and writers.(pg.
10). In essence, these
diagrams and illustrations
increased readers
understanding which
evidently improved the way
they learned to speak and
write. This parallels the
function of the visuals used
in each piece.

For Example,
the article informs,
Music is capable of a
number of health
benefits including
lowering stress levels,
raising states of
consciousness, changing
moods, accessing
different states of mind,
developing the brain and
is useful in meditation
-which has a ton of
health benefits. Here, It
talks about the
capabilities of music
without bringing in
sophisticated health
terms

After explaining the

different methods each
article used to incorporate
visual literacy, I
referenced the course
reader in order to show
how this visual literacy is
effective and how
including these visuals in
the articles increase the
readers overall
comprehension.

Including an example of
the moderate language
and explaining it adds
credibility to my
statement and shows the
reader that it is, indeed,
moderate language. This
ties into the readers
understanding of the piece
as a whole without being
left wondering how or
why the the audience is
who it is.

To complement the
authors moves
embedded in each of
these pieces, the way
they are constructed
plays a key role in their
effectiveness.

What do you mean by

"they" here? The moves?
Or the pieces?

Whenever you use

pronouns -- it, they, them
-- try to make sure it's
clear what you're referring
to.

To complement the
authors moves
embedded in each of
these pieces, the way
each article is
constructed plays a key
role in their
effectiveness.

Replacing they with

each article clarifies
what Im talking about
being constructed. This
creates flow and clarity in
my paragraph without
confusing the reader and
straying them from the
main point.