Text from my

initial WP
submission:
(a phrase,
sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move,
punctuation,
piece of
evidence, etc.)
According to
statistics, one
out of every four
college women
will be the victim
of sexual assault
during their
academic career.

An observation
or question I
received from
De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s)
How this
I made to what change impacts
I initially
my paper:
wrote: (ie, the
change[s] I made
to column 1)

I like this
"statistical
evidence move"
as an opener, but
(1) what
statistics,
exactly?, and (2)
you need to cite
this sort of stuff,
otherwise it
looks like you
could've just
made it up

The change I
made to column
1) According to
the Cleveland
Rape Crisis
Center.

Although each
newspaper
article is based
on the rhetorical
discourse of the
new legislation,
different
conventions and
rhetorical
analyses are
used to influence
the audiences
opinion. In
addition to the
previous no
means no
legislation, the
new yes means
yes bill is
designed to
reduce

I need more of
a specific,
driving thesis
statement. What
exactly are you
going to be
arguing here?
What about the
conventions
within this genre
will you be
emphasizing?
These aren't
super-long or
strangelycomplex
sentences/ideas,
so I think you'd
benefit from
combining them.

This change
impacts my
paper because it
shows that this
terrible fact has
actually been
recorded/observ
ed by a real
place. It also
establishes
credibility,
because I am
backing up
where I found
this information.
In addition to the This new and
previous no
improved thesis
means no
statement shows
legislation, the
the conventions
new yes means
that I will be
yes bill is
focusing on to
designed to
prove my point.
reduce
The audience
violent/nonviolen will now know
t sexual
what to expect
encounters
and how these
across college
conventions will
campuses,
prove my
however, the
argument.
articles contain
many
conventions such
as ethos, logos,
and
counterargumen
ts to illustrate

violent/nonviolen
t sexual
encounters
across college
campuses,
however, articles
from the
International
Business Times,
LA Times, and
USA Today are
skeptical of its
effectiveness
All three sources
followed the
same structure
of a large title
and many
short/choppy
paragraphs that
do not tend to
flow.

Unless the
author is
excessively lazy,
most news
sources are not
biased.

the bills
importance in
society, but still
remains
skeptical of its
impact on
students.

Why?

Bias happens
when authors
are lazy? You
sure

All three sources

followed the
same structure
of a large title
and many
short/choppy
paragraphs that
do not tend to
flow, because
they often jump
from idea to idea
without proper
use of
transitions.
Most of the time
newspaper
articles are
biased, because
the author will
gather more
information that
supports his/her
point of view.
However, if the
author is lazy
and is not
completely
interested in the
topic they are
writing about,
then the sources
appear to be a
bit more

It explains why
the paragraphs
do not flow,
instead of just
stating it. It also
provides a
reasoning on
how to fix the
choppy-ness (ex:
transitions).

This proper
explanation of
biased/unbiased
newspaper
articles will
benefit my paper
because I am no
longer
portraying false
information. I
also broke it
down into two
sentences to
elaborate more
on when authors
appear to be
unbiased or not.

The Origin of
the Freshman
15 Myth
written by Olga
Khazan, imposes
that this
phenomenon has
been completely
exacerbated.

I dont think
this verb is
working here.

In contrast,
there are many
apparent
differences
between the two
scholarly
articles, since
each discipline
has an opposing
approach to
studying college
weight gain.

This is a clear
topic sentence,
but I'd like to
know what some
of those
differences are.
Shine a little bit
more light on the
path for me at
the beginning.

I see them [my

roommates]
theyre all really
thin and theyre
like complaining
about how fat
they are

Youre misusing
brackets here

On the other
hand, when
comparing a
magazine article
to the two
scholarly
articles, many
similarities and
differences can

Too vague

unbiased.
The Origin of
the Freshman
15 Myth
written by Olga
Khazan, believes
that this
phenomenon has
been completely
exacerbated.

In contrast,
there are many
apparent
differences
such as the
diction and
structure of the
articlebetween
the two scholarly
articles, since
each discipline
has an opposing
approach to
studying college
weight gain.
I see [my
roommates]
theyre all really
thin and theyre
like complaining
about how fat
they are
On the other
hand, the
magazine article
is compiled from
different
research
methods than
scholarly
articles, which

It shows that this

is what the
article believes
to be true,
instead of
imposing. This
hedged language
creates a more
proper and
grammatically
correct
sentence.
Adding in two of
the main
differences in my
topic sentence
guides the
reader down a
smoother path. It
gives the
audience a heads
up on what is
coming up in the
paragraph.

It uses brackets
in a proper way,
and gives the
audience
additional info
needed to
understand who
the quote is
talking about.
It acknowledges
that scholarly
and nonscholarly articles
are written from
people from
different
disciplines and
motives, which

be pointed out
when analyzing
its rhetorical
features and
conventions.
Overall,
both disciplines
use many of the
same rhetorical
devices and
conventions to
prove the
superstition of
the Freshman
15.

leads to many
differences in
the way the
information is
presented.
Prove is such a
Overall,
loaded word -both disciplines
I'd steer clear of use many of the
that.
same rhetorical
devices and
conventions to
exemplify the
superstition of
the Freshman
15.

The researchers used

a chain effect move
to show that one little
thing, such as a
concern, can lead to
serious health issues.

No things

Notably, Khazan uses

many moves to keep
the text relatable for
her audience.

Is this related
to your main
argument? If so,
how?

will affect the

way their data is
presented.
Exemplifies is
more hedged
than prove
since it isnt
100%, because
prove is a strong
word.

The elimination
of the word thing
makes my paper
more straight to
the point, and
deletes the fluff
around my
statement.
Notably, Khazan uses Now, this topic
many moves to keep sentence relates
the text relatable for
to my argument
her audience, which
because it
are meant to persuade explains that
incoming college
incoming college
students to be aware
students are able
of college weight
to put
gain, but not to fear
themselves in
it.
the position
Khazan writes
about. This will
then lead them
to believe the
Freshman 15 is
not that drastic
of a weight gain,
and should not
be something
they are
constantly
worried about.
The researchers used
a chain effect move
to show that one little
concern, can lead to
serious health issues.