Running head: The Rhetorics Effect

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:41

Kommentar [1]: Put this in caps. So
lame, but it's an APA convention.

The Rhetorics Effect On A Striving Young Person
Max A. Melin
Antioch University, Santa Barbara











THE RHETORICS EFFECT

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:41

Kommentar [2]: Max, "the rhetoric's
effect" doesn't really work here. Rhetoric's
effect does... or if you want to be more
specifc, something like "business
rhetoric's effect" does too...

I met my friend Logan Peterson for the first time almost a year ago. We have mutual
friends and since Santa Barbara is not the biggest of cities, we have stumbled on each other a

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:42

Kommentar [3]: "Met" and "for the first
time" are redundant. Pick one.

few times too. However, as he gladly accepted my interview request, I suddenly realized that
is was going to be a new way for us to get to know each other. Me being a curious
interviewer with questions regarding rhetoric at his workplace and Logan my friend, but
also an intern at Corrigan & Company, a third-party Life Insurance Company located here in
Santa Barbara. We met at his apartment, and it was actually my first visit, ever. Already, I
could sense how we were about to reveal qualities, opinions, and ideas to each other, which
we have never discussed before. This notion made me somewhat nervous, but at the same
time presently there, in the room, with only the intern Logan in focus. To briefly describe
Logan (note: I will portray Logan much more in depth throughout this essay), he is a humble,
hard-working student and professional, growing up on a ranch in Florida, with two older
brothers, and a younger sister. So, by analyzing Logans internal and external communication,
having him as an interviewee for thirty minutes, and reflect my experience and thoughts from

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:42

Kommentar [4]: True!

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:44

Kommentar [5]: This isn't a complete
sentence, Max. Here's one way that I'd
rearrange it. I'd tack it onto the end of the
previous sentence and do something like:

However, as he gladly accepted my
interview request, I suddenly realized that
is was going to be a new way for us to get
to know each other -- I assumed the role
of a curious interviewer with questions
regarding rhetoric at his workplace, and
Logan stepped further into his role an
intern at Corrigan & Company, a thirdparty Life Insurance Company located
here in Santa Barbara.
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:45
Kommentar [6]: To me, this is slowing
down your Intro a bit too much. I'd
consider adding this later on in your
context/background paragraph(s).
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:49

readings I have had in my academic writing class, I would say that Logans awareness of the

Kommentar [7]: What do you mean by

this?

intended audience in his professional writing is what determines his use of words, tone, and

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:49

Kommentar [8]: I don't think this is
necessary -- tell me what your argument's
gonna be, and then start laying down
evidence to convince me.

structure. It is also contributing to his professional performance as an intern. I will

successively provide evidence that supports my claim in this essay.
Prior to Logans internship, he was uncertain if he had what it takes to work in the life
insurance business. I did a lot of research on the whole life insurance business before saying
yes to the internship. Logan states when I asked him how he felt before setting a foot into the
world of life insurance. However, he is satisfied with his performance this far and proud that

THE RHETORICS EFFECT

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:50

Kommentar [9]: Nice job here, Max. :)
My one question to get this to the next
level would be: what *about* his words,
tone, and structure provides clues that he
has an awareness of his intended
audience? And what audience is that,
exactly? If you can get a little more
specific, this will be super-solid.
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:52
Kommentar [10]: Should this 2nd
sentence come before -- or ideally,
connected to -- the 1st sentence?

Id advise you to refrain from using freefloating quotes (ie, sentences that start
and end with a quote). The reader is
probably going to be left wondering, Who
is saying/citing this, and how/why is it
relevant? Wheres it coming from? Try
to introduce the quote and give it context.

he warmly embraced this challenge. When I asked him how long he had been there, and how
his overall professional experience is thus far he said: 2 months now. I love it, and its a
great atmosphere! I am able to apply stuff that I have learned in my past classes. And added:
It is good to be in a work environment, just to work with other professionals. As I believe

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:52

Kommentar [11]: How/does this relate
to your larger argument? Why am I
reading this?

that it is very important to be able to apply what you learn academically, to the professional
world, I felt that I only had scratched the surface of how essential Logans internship
experience is, where he creates qualities that stretch far wider than his cubicle.
Preceding my interview with Logan, he gave me some documents for me to analyze in
order to get a better gist on his professional rhetoric revolving around his workplace. One of
these artifacts was a cover letter that Corrigan & Company sends out as a prelude to their
actual message to clients. As I examined it, I immediately understood that it was business-

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:54

Kommentar [12]: Are these "I's"
necessary here? Do they enhance your
argument in any meaningful way? Are
they connected to your
data/evidence/research process?

If not, I'd consider scrapping it.
Remember: in a thesis-driven, researchbased argument, everything that you write
needs to ultimately support/develop your
argument in some way; otherwise, it might
be irrelevant.
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:55

orientated, due to its authoritarian and informative tone, well-planned structure, professional
font, and use of words. These are also called conventions, and together they create a genre.
So, it makes it easier if you analyze the different parts of a text, in order to understand how
they fit together. Kerry Dirk explains that genres within writing are more complex than just
being referred to a specific form and rules to guide your writing within that genre. It could
take different forms, depending on the context, and it also recalls past experiences and
memories with reading and writing similar texts in similar situations (Dirk, 2010) Regarding
the analysis, I was not surprised, since this document dealt with life insurances. So, in order
for Corrigan & Company to express themselves professionally to their clients (in this case
their audience) it is essential for them to maintain a serious and business-related tone towards
the receiver (clients) when it regards life insurances. If Corrigan & Company would fail to
maintain a proficient attitude when communicating with their
THE RHETORICS EFFECT

Kommentar [13]: Great! Tell me what

they are -- provide a broad overview
before you get into the nitty gritty. Give
me a preview of what's coming up.

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:55

Kommentar [14]: Can you convince me
of this? Are there any pieces of direct
evidence/language you could cite to
support this claim?
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:56
Kommentar [15]: Doesn't... everything
(besides image/audio-only documents)
have words?
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:57
Kommentar [16]: I love how you're
weaving in Dirk and taking some to
describe the importance of genre, but right
now, it's buried a bit in the paragraph. Is it
worth separating this, structurally, and
analyzing what genres/conventions are in
more depth? Could that enhance your
(overall) argument?
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:58
Kommentar [17]: You're bouncing
around a bit here. Try to make sure not to
"over stuff" your paragraphs with ideas.
Take one at a time.

clients; I believe that it would hurt the business, dramatically. It is very important for any
businesses to be aware of how they are expressing themselves outwardly, and what would be
the most appropriate way of communication to the intended audience.
This is something I have recently realized and learned in my academic writing class,
and I also asked Logan how important writing and reading is in his profession, and he said I
am taking it [the reading], almost, sentence by sentence figuring out what they [life-insurance
companies] are saying, just like a contract. [] What is he/she trying to get out of this? I
believe this is extremely important to shift perspectives of the reading, from the readers to
the writers point of view, in order to enhance ones comprehension of a texts purpose and
exigence. A reading that advocates how important this is would be Mike Bunn.
One of my class readings was an essay by Bunn, where he demands the reader to
constantly stay inquisitive towards the writer. For example, what are the intended purpose,
audience, and tone for this text? And, why does the writer make you respond the way you do?
As you ask yourself these questions while you read, you become more active as a writer.
When being more active, you also become more aware of the writers procedure when writing

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 05:59

Kommentar [18]: Can you provide any
textual evidence for the relationship
between the artifacts/documents/language
and this attitude?

Convince me with evidence. Help me
*see* this stuff.
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:00
Kommentar [19]: Be careful when you
start sentences with "This." (Dont feel
badI do the same thing.) Two
suggestions: (1) Try to change it up -variety is the spice of life, and (2) When
you do use it, consider adding a noun right
after "this" so it's clear what you're
referring to, i.e., this idea... this plan... this
approach...
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:00
Kommentar [20]: You're misusing
brackets here, Max. You want [the
reading] to take the place of "it."
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:01
Kommentar [21]: Can you elaborate on
this quote some more? What's he mean
here? And how does that fit into your
greater argument?
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:02
Kommentar [22]: Nice connection here,
but I don't think you need "my class
readings" here. I'd like to just see you
present your interview/data/argument and
keep our 310 class out of it -- I don't think
it'll strengthen your argument in any
meaningful way.

the piece, and are able to imitate what the author did well. In order to effectively read like a
writer, you have to change your perspective from being a reader to a writer. As you are in the
writers shoes it is easier to acknowledge their intended structure, tone, use of words,
purpose, and exigence these features can also be called moves. While becoming aware of
these moves you start to collect and develop your own skills and moves into your own
writing, which is very beneficial both in your professional and academic career. Bunn states
[] reading as if you were an architect is a great way to think about RLW [Read Like a
Writer]. When you read like a writer, you are trying to figure out how the text you are reading
THE RHETORICS EFFECT

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:02

Kommentar [23]: Sure, sure... but how
does this relate to your interviewee and
his documents/artifacts?

was constructed so that you learn how to build one for yourself. (Bunn, 2011, p. 74) What
Bunn is arguing here is very much correct. You have to be able to distinguish the elements of
the text prior to learning how to build one for yourself.
Relating Mike Bunns main points to Logan and his internship at Corrigan & Company,
I was curious to know how Logan dealt with the life insurance business, and its complex and
formal language. When asking him, he stated:
In my notebook, I have a list what those [abbreviations] mean. When I

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:05

Kommentar [24]: This is only relevant if
you tie it back into your main argument
and what you've researched (your
informant and his documents).
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:05
Kommentar [25]: Also, please consider
that this is "slowing down" your focus a bit
too much -- the more time you spend
away from your main focus, the more your
reader might get distracted and lose focus.

find one that I dont understand, I either Google it, or ask someone at the
office. Sometimes, it almost feels like a lawyers writing. It is very
formal and business-orientated. For example Stephanie [Logans
coordinator] wrote something in hand one time, and the company we sent
it to rejected it and were totally against it. Hand writing to me is more
personal. However, they keep it in that manner where they want it
professional with abbreviations. So, it is almost as a code that you need
to know in order to fully understand the message.
As Logan said this, I realized that it is essential for Logan to break the words down, find
their meaning, and create an abbreviation-list in order to successfully manage his job. It also
important for him to ensure that he fully understands the senders message, and it is also an
alternative way for Logan to change his perspective, from the readers to the writers.
Furthermore, what Logan stated in this quote parallels with Corrigan & Companys way of
communication towards their clients. As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, their texts
and structure context regarding life insurances has to meet the texts genre. Meaning that by
sending everything typed with abbreviations Corrigan & Company uses the business jargon.
THE RHETORICS EFFECT

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:06

Kommentar [26]: This is taking up a
substantial chunk of the paper. Is it all
necessary? Can you bring out the most
important specific parts?

By jargon, I mean words and expressions that are used by a particular profession or group.
The communication is therefore related to the people and the environment within a particular
situation.
Those who have work experience and have had other colleagues at their work place
agrees with me that the workers rhetoric, use of words, and the communication in general
differs depending on if the conversation is external or internal. By external and internal

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:08

Kommentar [27]: Who agrees with you?
Stick to your data.

communication, I mean how my conversation differentiates depending on the intended

receiver. For example, if I ask a question to one of my colleagues, I will not think twice on
how I am phrasing my question. However, if the intended receiver is a potential customer, a

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:09

Kommentar [28]: Not sure what you
mean here.

collaborator, or such, and I have a question, the way I am phrasing and expressing my
question would vary.
Our communication is constantly depending on our relationship with the intended
receiver. So, the same example could be made between strangers and close friends. As I did
mention earlier, prior to my interview with Logan, I analyzed artifacts that are related to the
rhetoric at his work place. When I collected these from Logan, I realized that one of the
documents was different, compared to the others, due to its typing, structure, form, use of
words, and tone. This document was internal, while the other documents were external. This
divergence between the artifacts, made me want to ask what Logan thought of this, and how
his writing differs, depending on the intended recipient. As I asked him, he responded: In the
office, it is very informal. Still, An external document can sometimes be informal.
Especially when sending emails requesting a document of some sort. Otherwise, most of the
external communication towards clients is very formal and informative. However, the phone
calls at our office are often informal and personal. As I though, Logans and the companys
THE RHETORICS EFFECT

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:11

Kommentar [29]: OK, but can you tie
this back to Logan? The more it seems
like this could be written without having an
interview and collecting/analyzing specific
documents, the weaker your overall paper
will be. Try to think of it this way: you
*don't* want this to be a paper that you
could just write in your living room, without
looking back at anything specific (the
artifacts and the interview data). That's
called being an "armchair philosopher"; I
want you to be a writing/communication
researcher.

(And you're doing a very, very good job for
the most part here, Max -- I'm just trying to
help you get this to the next level.)
Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:12
Kommentar [30]: How? Convince me!

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:12

Kommentar [31]: How? In what
way(s)?

way of communicating depends on the anticipated recipient. In order to deliver the message
successfully and professionally, the communication used is cared for. Also, this ties neatly in
with a reading by Losh and Alexander that describes this very same pattern in our
communication and writing. We, as writers, leap into different identities in our writing and it
is important to use tone and voice correctly when addressing a specific audiences
appropriately. As we are practicing this in our everyday life, constantly, we become unaware

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:12

Kommentar [32]: So true! Can you tie
this back into different identities that
Logan steps into? And how/why?

of how we are using different identities depending on the receiver, our exigence, and purpose
behind what we write. It is also essential for the writers progress and advancements to be
conscious about these transferences between identities (2013).
Logans gained knowledge and experience regarding effective professional writing
with his internship have contributed to his successful performance at Corrigan & Company,
and also shaped his perception on professional rhetoric and its essentialities. Since we are
constantly using writing in our professions, our everyday life, and academically, it is
important to not take it for granted. By remaining inquisitive and active as a reader, you are
able to imitate other writers fruitful moves. This process of gathering rhetorical moves just
like Logan can truly be used as an advantage in various situations. As the great Sir Francis
Bacon once said, Knowledge is power, I would argue that knowledge regarding rhetoric
creates power as well. However, in order to gain this advantage among career striving peers
and contestants present in ones life, it is critical to be able to alter the perspective of the both
the reading and the writing, but also adapt to the expected receiver in ones way of
communicating.

Zack De Piero 2015-12-2 06:13

Kommentar [33]: Nice work here, Max!
:) Check out my comments on how to get
this even better for the portfolio.