00 How To Do Standup Comedy 83 Pages

St Matts Youth
How to do Standup Comedy

A resource book
How to tell a joke

Comebacks to die for
Christian jokes and one-liners
Outback jokes
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian;

well, theyre not laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse
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S t M a t t s Yo u t h
The St Matts Youth Humour Resource Book
Youve got to be Joking

Table of Contents
A guide to telling jokes
The seven Deadly Sins
Disaster management: the joke that flops
Handling nerves
When not to tell a joke
Introducing a speaker
Thanking a speaker
Humour
1.
2.
3.
4.
Lightning Ridge & the Bush

Christian
Random
One-liners
When in Rome
The colosseum was packed.
The lion approached the Christian and opened its slavering jaws, whereupon
the Christian leaned forward and whispered into the lions ear.
The lions head jerked backwards and the great beast, turning deathly pale
and shaking, looked around, backed unsteadily away from the grinning
Christian, turned around, leapt into the stands and bolted out the nearest
exit.
The emperor and the entire colosseum were stunned.
The emperor beckoned the Christian over and asked him what on earth just
happened.
I merely mentioned that, as of course is customary, he would be expected
to say a few words after dinner.
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Teamwork
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How to do Standup Comedy

I was born to be a comedian. When my dad first saw me he said,
Is this some kind of a joke?
Like everything else, there are a few tricks to joke-telling that will help you to relax and
enjoy the experience and add a lot to any event.
This guide makes sure that you will actually look forward to blowing it for it allows you
to use our sure-fire Disaster Recovery Kit guaranteed to work!
Contents:
Seven keys to telling a joke
The seven Deadly Sins of speaking
Disaster management: the joke that flops
Dos and the Donts
Maybe you are a bit like Jim Morrison: "I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive
human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the
most important moments."
Jim Morrison
So true!
So for those of you who feel a bit nervous about having a go, hopefully this guide
provides a few tips and takes off some of the pressure.
Enjoy!
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Seven keys to
telling a story
NOT a joke
The Tip of the
Change all jokes

anecdotes
specific groups,
and you:
into stories or
make it relate to
people, places, etc,
Triple the likelihood of success

Minimise the possibility of crashing and burning, and
Enjoy it much more yourself.
1. Relax - and almost hope that your story may go down like the Titanic.
If you have a good recovery strategy (and you have if you read Section 3 below), you
almost hope it will crash & burn.
If so, excellent: now you are in a win-win position.
You cant lose.
Start with one-liners. Easy to remember, easy to tell and if they dont work, the only
person to notice will be you. Our joke section has five one-liners in every section.
2. Only tell stories you personally enjoy.
You cant sell stuff you dont believe in. For example, you may like the one-liner;
Marrying a man for his looks is like buying a house for its paint.
Or you may prefer
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Its unlikely you like both so be selective. People can tell when you relish telling a joke or
story and when you are simply going through either (a) the motions or (b) agony.
3. Tell it as if you have never heard it before.

This may take some doing, especially as quite obviously you have heard it before. Taping
yourself and hearing it back will show you where your weak points are or tell it to a mirror.
Mirrors are very forgiving.
Here is one good exercise. Try saying five versions of:
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What is this thing called love

There are many totally different ways to say this line. For example,
Confused: (husband in the art gallery to his wife, looking at an abstract sculpture of a
kissing couple); What? Is this thing called Love??
Amorous: (French musketeer to a beautiful lady) What is this thing called looooove?
Bored: Middle aged slob to soul mate, on being given a plate of leftovers for dinner as he
watches television:
Whats this thing called, Love?
4. Try to personalise it for the audience.

Try to put the joke into a known setting.
Here is an example. The subject of the joke is the groom, who shall be named Greg, who
likes fishing and lives on the Murrumbidgee River
The original joke:
Bush mathematics
To figure out how heavy a pig is, you find a good stout plank and balance it on a fence. Tie
the pig onto one end of the plank, and then run around to the other side and put a rock on
the opposite end. Keep trying different rocks until you get one that balances with the pig.
Then all you have to do then is guess the weight of the rock.
.
The edited version
Bush mathematics for primary schoolers
To figure out how heavy a kangaroo (or your cousin Fred) is, you find a good stout plank
and balance it on a fence. Tie the kangaroo (or your cousin Fred) onto one end of the plank,
and then run around to the other side and put a rock on the opposite end. Keep trying
different rocks until Fred falls off or the kangaroo escapes or (best solution) until you get a
rock that balances with the kangaroo (or your cousin).
Then all you have to do then is guess the weight of the rock.
5. Timing is the jewel in the crown.

Dont rush. A fast delivery can be fatal.
Have a look at the jokes in section 5 where there is a comma, pause for half a second
(saying the word TICKTOC takes one second, so say it to yourself, then proceed with the
story).
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If a paragraph or full stop two TICKTOCs.

Lets give you an example.
The joke without the pauses: Isnt nature wonderful?
Isnt nature wonderful?
A Traralgon dairy farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he
noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking
in the whole event.
The farmer thought to himself, "Great, now I'm gunna have to explain the
'birds and bees'
After everything was over, the farmer walked over to his son and said, "Well
son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
"How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"
The joke with pauses:

A Traralgon dairy farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, (TICKTOC)
when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence, (TICKTOC)
wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event. (TICKTOC) (TICKTOC)
The farmer thought to himself, (TICKTOC) "Great, now I'm gunna have to
explain the 'birds and bees'(TICKTOC) (TICKTOC)
After everything was over, (TICKTOC) the farmer walked over to his son and
said, (TICKTOC) "Well son, (TICKTOC) do you have any
questions?" (TICKTOC) (TICKTOC)
"Just one," (TICKTOC) gasped the still wide-eyed lad. (TICKTOC) (TICKTOC)
"How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"
6. Pace yourself.
Point 5 above is so important that we will effectively say it again:
speak at a reasonable pace and above all, never rush the punch line.
7. Maintain eye contact.

If possible, each person should think that you are talking directly to them.
Change your eye contact so as not to focus on any one person, but never look at the floor,
ceiling or emergency exit.
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And thats it.

Youre ready to go
Although perhaps you might like to glance through the next section before you launch your
new career and give up the day job.
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The Seven Deadly Sins

It is important to know what NOT to do as this helps to put the positives into context.
First, the Two Nevers:
1. Never start off by saying that you are about to tell a joke.
This is a really silly idea. Just tell the story.
In addition...
2. Never start off by telling your audience that the story/joke is funny.
As with the above point, this unprofessional; comedians dont come out on stage and tell
the audience how funny they are, and neither should you.
3. Dont do a foreign accent unless you know you can do it well

Do you cringe when a tourist tries telling a story in an Australian accent? I do.
Do it right, or leave it out.

4. Also leave the funny faces and voices at home. For example, how to ruin a good story
Texas Air (Good)
747 Pilot:
Sydney Tower, this is Air Texas 444, 50 miles out and we have your
cute little island in sight.
Sydney Tower:
Air Texas 444, welcome and you are cleared to land after circling the
island
How to ruin it by trying the Funny Voices:

Texas Air (Bad)
747 Pilot:
(Texan drawl): Howdy-doody, Sydney, this is Aaair Texaaas 444, fifty

miles out and we have your cuuute lil islaaand in sight. Yahooo!.
Sydney Tower:
(Australian voice): Good morning, Air Texas 444, you are cleared to
land after circling the island.
Play it straight.
5. Do not under any circumstances interrupt or explain your own joke.
Jokes require timing. If you stop your own joke in the middle or try to explain something
within the joke youve killed your own momentum.
Example: original joke:
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Learner driver
Tom is taking his driving test. The examiner says,
"When I tap the dashboard I want you to show me what action youd take if a child ran out
in front of the car.
Yes, sir, replies Tom.
When he taps the dashboard, Tom screeches to a halt, leaps out of the car and screams,
Get out of the way, you stupid little idiot!
How to wreck the joke

Learner driver
Tom - thats a teenager, so it could be a girl or boy but, anyway, Tom is taking his driving test.
The examiner says,
Well, thats a good question, isnt it? So its back to our learner driver.
Yes, sir, replies Tom. I cant remember the last time I heard a kid say sir anyway,
When he taps the dashboard, Tom screeches to a halt, leaps out of the car and screams, oh, this is good! - Get out of the way, you stupid little idiot!
6. Do not laugh at your own joke at the start, in the middle or at the end.
If the audience responds positively after youve finished the joke, feel free to smile/grin/look
pleased - even laugh. But only after the audience does it never before.
Example: Good joke:

Elementary logic
After a major rugby game, the groundsman spotted a mobile phone lying on the field.
Here, he said to the referee, This must be yours.
What makes you think its my phone? asked the referee.
Easy, the groundsman said. It says you have 200 missed calls.
Bad joke:
Elementary logic
After a major rugby game, the groundsman spotted a mobile phone lying on the field.
Here, he said to the referee, This must be yours.
What makes you think its my phone? asked the referee.
Hee heee hee
Easy, the groundsman said. Hee hee hee It says you have 200 missed calls.
Finally,
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7. Dont take joke telling too seriously

If you enjoy telling it, they will enjoy listening to it. So relax then at least one person is
guaranteed to enjoy the performance you.
If the joke flops not
a problem!
Simply go to the next section disaster management. In the meantime
Stay calm!!
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Disaster management the key to relaxed joke telling

The Number 1 point about the key to humour is:
1. Relax - and almost hope that your joke may go down like the Titanic.
If you have a good recovery strategy you almost hope it will crash & burn.
If you suspect that you are about to tell an oldie but a goodie, you can always pre-empt the
reaction by saying something along the following lines:
When your story crashes & burns

There are two types of jokes those youve heard and those you haventand from that
reaction for most of you, that was a moment of nostalgia.
Great joke though and in my defence, to not tell it would have been like a symphony
conductor refusing to play Handels Messiah on the grounds that most people have already
heard it.
Failing that,
Memorise a few of the one-liners below in case of emergency.
Audiences are very forgiving if you as long as you retain your sense of humour and
optimism
a.
Now I know what the Titanic felt like when it tried to break the ice. Same result,
anyway.
b.
That was a bit like dynamiting fish.
c.
I have to say that I thought that joke was a great success.

However, the audience was a total failure.
d.
Well, weve all heard some great jokes, but apparently that wasnt one of them.
e.
Your reaction reminds me a lot of the last time I took part in an ambush.
f.
Well, that one went straight through to the keeper.
g.
Apparently, I dont have as many jokes as I thought I did.
And the bottom line the ultimate in insurance policies:

The great thing about joke-telling is that if you fail no one will laugh at you.
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Handling nerves
DO
1. Understand that nerves are normal. The comedian Eric Morecambes answer as to
his secret to great comedy was one word; Fear. Fear is good it gets the
adrenalin pumping and heightens the senses.
2. Treat fear as your friend. Reflexes are sharpened, energy boosted and awareness
heightened in fact, if you are not nervous, you should be it would help a lot.
3. Think positive. In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than
your fear of failure. Bill Cosby.
4. Keep things in perspective. As Mel Brooks put it, Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. No matter what happens,
billions of people couldnt care less. Otherwise, the jokes on you.
5. Take deep breaths. Its an old actors trick, helping to get mind and body in synch.
Try it now.
Isnt that great?
DONT
1. Dont use a hand microphone it can amplify any shakes
2. Dont fiddle or hold a glass your hands should not attract attention unless they are
part of the story
3. Dont hold on to your notes - leave them on the table. If you do need a memory
prompt or a security blanket, use a small card (cue card or business card) but
dont wave it around.
4. Dont drink caffeine or alcohol avoid that coke, and we dont mean drugs.
and above all ...
5. Dont tell the audience that you are nervous or not up to it. As Eleanor Roosevelt
said,
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
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Know when to hold them, know when to fold them
There are times when you really, really should not hang glide, bungie jump or attempt to
tell a joke. Here are three such times:
1. When you are the first speaker or opening a session
The silliest advice ever offered is: Always start with a joke.
Are they bonkers?
The audience is cold. It does not know you. You do not know its mood. You are like a
blindfolded man in a minefield.
The professionals always make sure the audience has been primed. For example, live
television comedy shows start 15 minutes before the cameras are turned on with a
comedian warming up the audience. Most of these jokes are failures, but no one cares it
is purely preparing the audience for the real thing.
If no one has warmed up your audience, play it straight.
2. When the previous speaker/ joke teller has just crashed & burned
There but for the grace of God, goes you so dont get into gallows humour.
The only one really able to resurrect the situation is the previous speaker see our section
on Disaster Recovery.
Otherwise, have some respect for the crashee.
3. When the audience is unknown or negative.
Its like telling a joke to an iceberg and it will get the same response.
Exception to the rule of never starting with a joke

You are entitled to start with a joke if someone has just introduced you and told a joke at
your expense or if you are the Master of Ceremonies (see later).
Everyone loves a come-back, so the odds for success are already on your side
For example, you may be introduced as follows:
What can I say about our next speaker that hasnt already been said about toxic waste?
You should not respond with an insult, but generously, say as follows:
Well, in order to make sure you dont confuse me with toxic waste, Ill try very hard to wind
up this speech some time before my official 250,000 years are up.
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Introducing a speaker:
but be careful! Humour is only to be used if audience is on side
Our next speaker needs no introduction.

[you immediately sit down without saying another word]
Of all the people I have ever introduced, my next guest is certainly one of them.
Our next speaker is someone you will remember for the rest of your life. If you have a
phenomenal memory. And absolutely nothing else to think about. And if you meet with a
fatal accident on your way home.
Our speaker tonight is a man whose wit is legendary, who is sought after by every
organisation, who honours us by his presence tonight, and who writes his own
introductions.
Our next speaker is guaranteed to add a great deal to the evening my best guess is
about 30 minutes.
There are some things that go without saying.
Fortunately, our next speaker is not one of them.
Our next speaker needs no introduction conclusion, yes; introduction no.
So here is ....
Of all the people I have ever introduced, my next guest is definitely the most recent.
I would now like to introduce the Prime Minister of Australia, the Honourable Tony Abbott
however, as hes not here, I cant so instead heres ..
Much has been said and written about Bill and he is here with us tonight to deny them. Of
course, theres a lot to be said in his favour. But its not nearly so interesting.
I have done a lot of research into Bill for tonight, starting with his name. Youll be
delighted to know that Connolly actually means handsome and intelligent.
Unfortunately Bill means Not very.
Bill is a man never at a loss for a few appropriated words
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Bill can brighten up an entire room simply by leaving a man who brings happiness
whenever he goes
Since I met Bill ten years ago there hasnt been a day I havent thought about him. And I
havent thought about him today, either.
In many ways Bills been like a son to me insolent, ungrateful, disrespectful but I
digress. I have to say that in all the years I have known him, no one has ever
questioned his intelligence. In fact, Ive never heard anyone mention it.
As an institution, Bill would sell for land value alone.
The MC was introducing the then Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd.
Ive made a study of names, said the MC, and I can tell you that Rudd means bright
and intelligent.
Unfortunately, Kevin means Not very,
Its not often that we get a speaker of the calibre, intelligence and wit of Bob Hope or Sir
Winston Churchill, and tonight is no exception
I would now like to introduce the Prime Minister of Australia, the Honourable Malcolm
Turnbull however, as hes not here, I cant so instead heres ..
Rob Stewart, Lightning Ridge 2014

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Thanking someone for your own introduction
After such an introduction, I cant wait to hear what Ive got to say.
Thank you for your generous introduction wonderfully restrained, I thought.
Or all the introductions I have ever received, that was definitely the most recent.
What a co-incidence! As you were saying all those really nice things, I was thinking
exactly the same.
Until I heard that introduction, I didnt realise just how perceptive the MC seems.
Thanks, Dad ( or, Thanks, Uncle Jim etc,etc)
Its really great to be here. I think youre marvellous. A superb meal. Absolutely
divine company.
But seriously, ladies & gentlemen
Thanking speakers
I wish Id said that in fact by the time Ive finished my next speech, I will have .
Rarely has so much been said so well in such a short time to so few. It is a pity we couldnt
have the speech stuffed and mounted.
I am speechless. Fortunately, you werent. A win-win situation, I believe.
Youve done this before, havent you?
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Bush humour
(mainly from the Lightning Ridge missions)
The flood
After a flash flood in Lightning Ridge, a tourist stops by a flooded section of the road and
asks a local how deep the water is.
A few centimetres says the local.
The tourist then drives forward and disappears in a seething mass of bubbles.
Thats odd, said the local, It only goes halfway up on those ducks.
The Lightning Ridge Goat Races

The Chief Organiser was worried about the Annual Lightning Ridge Goat Race Meeting.
Very few people seemed to be arriving.
Just at that moment, the phone rang.
Ive got a couple of buses full of tourists whove heard of your goat races, but we might not
be able to make it in time. When does the first race start?
Its scheduled for five minutes after you arrive.
Mechanical assistance
The motorists car broke down ten kilometres from Lightning Ridge and had the driver
puzzled as he tinkered under the bonnet looking for the problem.
I think its the carburettor, came a voice from behind him.
Startled, the driver looked around. There was no one there but a horse leaning over the
fence. Undo the red lead above the carby and clean out that reservoir bowl should do the
trick said the horse. Panic-stricken, the driver did as he was told, put the carburettor back
together again and tried to start the car. It fired up first go.
He raced into The Ridge as fast as possible and stopped at the first service station. You
wont believe it, he gasped to the attendant, I had carburettor trouble about ten kilometres
out of town and a horse told me how to fix it.
What colour horse? asked the attendant. Wh-white stammered the driver.
You were in luck, mate. Normally theres a grey horse in that paddock and he is absolutely
hopeless with carburettors.
Wet wet wet

"Did you have any trouble in the floods?"
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"I'll say. I had to float out of the band hall on my double bass."
"What about your wife?"
"She accompanied me on the piano."
Tour guide
During a tour of the opal fields for a group of American tourists and after a particularly longwinded and waffly explanation by the local guide of the legendary doings of the famous
Lightning Ridge bushrangers, poets, opal miners and so on, one of the otherwise gullible
tourists burst out: You, sir, are the biggest liar I have ever met!
He replied: and you, madam, are the most beautiful woman Ive ever met!
E-Mails to Tourism Australia, Lightning Ridge Branch

Q: (email from the USA) Can you give me some info about hippo racing in Lightning Ridge
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tral-ia is that big
country to your west...oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Goodooga. Mud wallows free.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia?
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here, and we'll send
the rest of the directions.
Q: (Another from USA) Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the
Vienna Boys Choir plays Tuesday night in Goodooga, straight after the hippo races.
Q: (Germany) Are there supermarkets in Lightning Ridge and is milk available all year
round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: (Canada) Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
A: Yes, but are you sure that will help much?
Pigs might fly

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them to Tibooburra for pig hunting. They were quite successful
in their venture and bagged six big pigs. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six pigs. But the pilot objected
and said, "The plane can only take four of your pigs; you will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to
put all aboard.
The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to
put all six aboard.
But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it
and they crashed into the bush.
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Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is near Wanaaring - about the same place
where we crashed last year."
Deep & Meaningful

Two men came upon an abandoned opal mine in the bush.
How deep do you think it is? asked one.
Dont know. Lets drop in a stone and find out said his mate.
They did so and waited, but there was no sound.
Throw in a rock. Again, no sound.
A short distance away they spotted an old railway sleeper. Each lifted an end and with great
difficulty, dropped it in. Still there was no sound. As they waited, a goat ran between them
and jumped into the hole.
They were standing there scratching their heads when a third fellow came up and asked,
Have you seen a goat?
Well yes, as a matter of fact, replied the first man, a goat just ran past and jumped into
that shaft.
It couldnt have been my goat, said the third fellow. Mine was tied to a railway sleeper.
Follow the instructions

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesnt
seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other man whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the
operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help.
First, are you sure hes dead.
Just a sec
There is a silence and then a shot is heard.
The mans voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, whats next?
Fast Driver
The kids mother had a "lead foot," so the kid was not surprised when a police car pulled
them over as we were speeding along the road to Walgett.
Hoping to get off with a warning, his mother tried to appear shocked when the policeman
walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do," he asked, "shoot the tyres out?"
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Guess Where
Every three months the Lightning Ridge Bowling Club has organised a Mystery Bus Tour
and each time there has also been a competition.
Each passenger paid $5 to guess the destination.
The driver has now won the competition three times in a row.
A tribute to the horse
Maureen was from the city and had never been on a horse before. Naturally she
asked for a horse that had never been ridden before.
Ah, yes, theres nothing like a horse to make you feel better off.
Rick named his horse Radish, so when he went to rodeos he could be introduced
as Heres Rick with his horse, Radish.
The American tourist was telling all & sundry about how bigger & better things were
in Texas. Call that a big cattle station? drawled the Texan. Why, I can get on mah
horse at dawn in Texas and bah dusk Im still not over to the other side! Yeah, said
Dave, I had a horse like that once.
The city slicker stormed into the stables and yelled: That horse you sold me
yesterday just dropped dead! Thats odd, said the local, in the 30 years Ive had
him hes never done that before.
How to install a wireless security system:

1. Go to Vinnies; buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo
magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish.

4. Leave a note on the front veranda that says:
"Dear Chopper
Big Dave and I have gone to get more ammunition - back soon.
Meantime, on no account disturb the pit bulls - they've just been wormed."
Local Knowledge
The minister was standing at the front of his house when a stranger came across and
asked:
Do you know the way to Walgett?
No, said the minister, But hum a few bars and Ill see if I can pick it up.
The medical
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A bloke goes to the doctor and after the tests he jokes, All this smoking and so on and Im
still bullet-proof. So, how long do I have, Doc?
The doctor says, Ten. He bloke said, Ten what? Years? Months?
The doctor, watching him closely, says,
Nine, eight, seven ...
Hows that?
The expectant father was stuck up in the bush when a neighbour rang his mobile and told
him that his wife had unexpectedly gone into labour.
The bushie tried to contact the hospital to see how his wife was progressing.
Unfortunately, by mistake he rang the Lightning Ridge cricket ground.
Hows it going? he asked. Not bad, was the reply.
We should have them all out by lunch and the last one was a duck.
The genie
A genie appeared at the High School staff meeting and, in front of the entire (and
astonished) teaching staff, tells the Principal that because of his years of unselfish
dedication to his students, he is rewarded by his choice of either infinite wisdom OR infinite
beauty OR infinite wealth.
Without hesitation the Principal chooses infinite wisdom.
Done! says the genie, which promptly vanishes in a puff of smoke.
All heads now turn to the Principal, who sits surrounded by a faint glow of light.
One of the teachers whispers, Say something.
The Principal sighs and says, Now I realise I should have taken the money.
Mateship
A bloke is asleep in bed in Goodooga when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He looks at
the clock. It is three in the morning!
He rolls over and goes back to sleep.
A louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.
He gets up and opens the door. A stranger is standing there.
"G'day, mate", says the stranger, "can you give me a push?"
"No! Nick off! It's three in the morning and we're in bed!" says the man and shuts the door.
His wife had overheard the conversation and says "Dave, youve got to do something.
Remember the night we broke down in the pouring rain near Cumborah when taking the
kids to hospital and you had to knock on that guy's door to get him to give us a push to get
us started again? Where would we be if he had told us to nick off?"
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So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, grabs a torch and goes outside. Not being able
to see anyone, he shouts: "Hey mate, you still want a push?
A voice cries out: "Yeah, please mate."
Still unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
The stranger replies:
"I'm over here on the swing."
Down the mine

Two opal miners were working away underground .
All of a sudden one felt this great weight on his back and it was wriggling.
The miner screamed to his colleague Aaargh!! Whats that thing on my back?
His mate shrugged and replied, How should I know Im not a furrier.
Lost dog
The American tourist was in Lightning Ridge and somehow misplaced her pet poodle,
Fluffles.
After hours of fruitless searching she went into the local newspaper office and asked when
the next edition was due for publication.
Tomorrow morning, madam, said the editor.
In that case, please put in a Lost Dog notice for Fluffles heres his picture and offer a
$20,000 reward.
No problem madam, said the editor, Ill put it on the front page.
Early the next morning the American went to the newsagent but there was no local paper. It
appeared no one had a copy.
Angrily, she stormed into the newspaper offices and found it deserted except for a cleaning
lady. She approached the cleaning lady and demanded to know why the latest edition
wasnt on the streets as promised.
No idea, lady, she said. All I know is that the entire staff has been out all night looking for
some stupid dog.
Camel Facts of Life

A baby camel turned to his father and asked, Dad, why do we have humps on our back?
Well, son, replied the father, our humps contain the fat necessary to sustain us
throughout the days spent trekking in the desert.
25 | P a g e
Oh, said the baby camel. Dad, why do we have these long eyelashes?
They are to protect our eyes from the raging sand storms.
And the big padded feet?
Because the desert sand is so soft we need big feet to prevent us from sinking.
Thanks, Dad. So what are we doing in Taronga Zoo?
At the pub
A tourist goes into a pub in Walgett. He walks up to the bar, turns and faces the crowd of
drinkers and asks, Who owns that Great Dane out the front of the pub?
A shearer replies, Thats my dog.
Well, says the tourist, I have bad news your dogs dead.
Dead? exclaimed the shearer, How? My dog just killed it.
Good grief what sort of dog is it?
A Chihuahua.
WHAT?? Your Chihuahua just killed my Great Dane?
Ah, well, you see, explained the tourist, It got stuck in your dogs throat.
The factory
A tourist is being shown around the Top End when, out of the blue, they come across two
big buildings in the middle of the bush.
"What on earth is that?" said the tourist, pointing to the first building
"That's the crocodile processing factory. You know, wallets, shoes bags."
"Really? So how do you catch the crocodiles?" queried the tourist.
"Oh, you just sneak up behind them and give them a quick kick behind their ear. Bingo! All
over, red rover"
"Amazing," said the tourist. "So, what's the other [even bigger] building?"
"That one?" said the guide "That's the wooden leg factory."
Perspective
At the cattle sales, a bull had just been auctioned for an Australian record price in fact, so
big a price that it made headlines around the whole nation.
A reporter decided to visit the farmer who had spent so much money on one animal, but
when he arrived at the farm he saw that the farmer was out in the paddock with the bull
attached to a large plough and they were half way through ploughing up a four hectare field.
The reporter went up to the farmer and blurted out, Whats going on? You just paid
squillions for this prize bull and youve got him yoked up to a plough!
Teaching him the facts of life, replied the farmer. Hes got to learn that farming isnt just all
romance.
Oink
26 | P a g e
The tourist is driving past a farm when he thinks he sees a pig driving a tractor. So he turns
around and drives up to the farmhouse and sure enough, the tractor drives up, off hops a
three-legged pig which then proceeds to the dairy shed where he opens the gate and herds
the cows over to the top pasture.
At this point the farmer arrives and the tourist exclaims, That is unbelievable! That pig is
amazing!
Thats nothing, said the farmer, Hes recently enrolled in School of the Air and is learning
to touch type.
Extraordinary, responded the tourist. But I noticed he only has three legs. What
happened?
Well, replied the farmer, With a pig that smart, you wouldnt want to eat him all at once.
Postponement:
The Long Range Weather Forecasters' Annual Picnic scheduled for 3rd December 2017
has been postponed due to inclement weather
Is he losing it?
A small boy is helping his grandfather to dig up potatoes.
What I want to know, grumbled the boy
is why you buried the damn things in the first place.
Bush Fire Brigade

A farmer frantically calls the Rural Fire Brigade to report a fire in his tractor shed.
The dispatcher asks, "So how do we get there?"
The farmer, slightly taken aback, replies,
"Don't you still have those big red fire trucks?"
Pastoral visit
One morning the local minister walked up to the main farm building and knocked on the
front door. An eight year-old boy answered.
"Is your Dad home?" he asked the kid.
"Sure is. He's over in the shearing shed."
Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldnt. He's the only thing over there with two legs and a beard."
27 | P a g e
28 | P a g e
Christian
What if ...
The Salvation Army officer had been having a hard time in the pub with a fairly drunk patron
who had spent over an hour rubbishing the bible. Eventually he stumped the salvo when he
asked how Jonah survived three days in the belly of a fish.
I dont know, said the salvo, But when I get to heaven Ill ask him.
What if Jonah isnt in heaven? queried the man.
The salvo replied, Then you ask him.
A leap of faith
The missionary was wading through some mangrove trees when a crocodile suddenly
appeared downstream and started heading for him.
His only hope was to get up a willow tree - but the lowest branch was ten metres up! He
prayed He leapedHe missed!
Fortunately he was able to grab hold on the way down.
Commando Raid
Johnny had just returned from Sunday School and his father asked him what hed learned.
Johnny said, It was cool, Dad!
This guy Moses sent a force behind enemy lines near the Red Sea. The troops erected
some pontoon bridges over the Red Sea and all the people crossed over. Then when the
Egyptians tried to follow, Moses called in Air Support and blew the bridges to smithereens
and destroyed all the Egyptian troops and tanks.
Johnnys father was horrified. Did your teacher tell you all that?
Well, no, conceded Johnny, but you would not believe the version she came up with!
Curiosity
The teacher was wrapping up a session on the importance of asking questions.
After all, she said, if it wasnt for curiosity, where would we be?
Keen Student: In the Garden of Eden?
A Lot to Think About
The teacher was explaining how God had told Lot to take his wife and flee out of the city.
And above all, not to turn back.
Unfortunately, Lot's wife turned back and was turned into a pillar of salt.
Kid No. 1: "That's nothing. Yesterday we were driving with Mum. She looked around and
turned into a telegraph pole."
Kid No. 2 "What happened to the flea?"
29 | P a g e
Practice
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled
cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she asked, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused,
"Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, sweetheart," he said,
"God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Timing
The Sunday School teacher said to group of little children:
Stand up if you want to go to heaven!
All stood except one small boy.
Dont you want to go?
Yes but not yet.
Moses
A man was walking across a park when he heard a loud cry of: 'Praise the Lord! What a
miracle!'
He turned around and spotted a scruffy-looking teenager sitting under a tree with what was
obviously a bible sitting open on his lap. "Why the excitement, young man?" he asked.
"I've just become a Christian," replied the youth, "and so I thought I should read this book
that God's written. And I've got to this bit where this dude Moses has parted the Red Sea
and the Israelites have crossed over on dry land! Wow! What a miracle!". He grinne.
"Don't get carried away, son. I happen to be a bit of an expert on archaeology and modern
research has revealed that at that time the Red Sea was not really a sea as we know it, but
more of a swamp. So the Israelites would have crossed in no more than ten centimetres of
water."
"Ten centimetres?"
"I'm afraid so. You need to be careful of taking things at face value, young lad."
"Why thank you, Sir. I am most grateful to you. I could have made a serious error."
"My pleasure." Said the man smugly as he walked away.
He had only gone ten paces when he heard a loud
"Praise the Lord! What a miracle!" He turned on his heel and snapped: "What now?"
"Well, said the youth," I'm just reading how God just drowned an entire Egyptian army in
ten centimetres of water!"
30 | P a g e
Directions
Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a
sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy for directions to the post office.
After being told the way by the lad, the evangelist thanked him, adding: "If you'll come to
the church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"Whats the point?" the boy said. "You don't even know how to get to the post office."
Memories
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the
chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much
practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was very nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my
Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Making hay
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer struggling to load hay back
onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a
hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of
water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver.
Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get
this hay off him."
Power failure
There was a power cut during the sermon.
Unperturbed, the wardens and the minister calmly organised a large number of candles and
the minister returned to his lectern.
Now, where was I? he said to the congregation
From the rear of the church came a voice,
The second last paragraph.
31 | P a g e
Bit of a mouthful
Teacher: "What does the story of Jonah and the whale tell us?"
Sebastian: "You can't keep a good man down?"
You get the idea

A man dreams that he has died and goes to heaven.
In the dream, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell
me about your faith and if you like, also all the good things you've done. I give you a certain
number of points for each item. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "My wife and I were together for 50 years and I was always faithful.
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with
my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Hmmm. How about this: I started a youth group at church and organised
monthly prayer meetings.
"Excellent, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries,
"At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
The eclipse
A missionary is on an expedition to Darkest Africa when he's captured by cannibals.
However, he is aware that there is a total eclipse of the sun is due the next day
around noon.
To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a prophet and threaten to extinguish the
sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right.
So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his
guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun
reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may
be cooked and ready for the evening meal." "Great," the missionary replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your
case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
Bedevilled Dad
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong sermon on the
devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied,
"Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. My money is on your dad."
32 | P a g e
Whats in a name?
A burglar broke into a house one night. When he picked up a wallet to place in a sack, a
disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Titus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked on a torch and shone it around. Finally, in the
corner of the room, the beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot said, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Lazarus," replied the bird.
"Lazarus?" the burglar laughed, "Must be Christians to name their bird Lazarus!"
The parrot replied, And their Rottweiler Titus."
Carols
A seven year old going to his first carol service demanded indignantly when the collection
plate came round, 'You mean we have to pay for this?'
Preachers & preaching
What a preacher! His sermons were like water to a drowning man.
Marvellous preacher! At the end of every sermon there was a tremendous awakening.
He preached like a Bishop his sermons seemed to only progress diagonally.
Some sermons are preached straight from the shoulder. Pity they didnt originate slightly
higher up.
Im not saying that his sermon was overly long, but it was sad that I didnt get the
opportunity to see my children growing up.
Q:
Who was unhappy about the return of the prodigal son?
A:
The fatted calf.
A Letter Home
Dearest Mother, Beloved Father
How can I, your dearest but errant son, heir and hypothetically only potential organ
donor , possibly ask my kind, generous and forgiving parents for a trivial but desperately
needed $200?
I feel miserable to even have to ask such loving and dear, doting parents, to whom I owe
my hereditary and environmental traits and yes! - even foibles.
33 | P a g e
I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your only beloved son,
Marvin.
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I
wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. Alas! I was too
late.
A few days later, he received a letter from his father. It said...
Dear son,
Your prayers have been answered. Your letter never arrived.
Dad
34 | P a g e
Editors favourites
Ten ways to terrorise a telemarketer

1. When they ask you how you are today, tell them. Take your time.
2. Instantly reply (male/female versions depending on who answers):
Judy! Judy! Is that you?
After all this time! We have so much to discuss... etc etc
3. Ask how they got a direct line to this prison cell.
4. Ask him/her to marry you. Demand it, in fact.
5. Insist its your best friend pretending to be a telemarketer
Come on, John I know its you, you know its you where did you think up that awful
accent? Anyway hows your mum? ... etc, etc.
6. Talk to them very, very slowly because you need to write every word down. Get them to
help with the spelling.
7. Ask him to talk for another minute or so as the police seem to be having trouble tracing
the call
8, 9 and 10: you get the idea by now. Good hunting and take no prisoners.
Gum boots in the gum trees

They had just finished school at the Beataroundabush Public School when the six year-lad
asked the teacher to help put on his gum boots for the wet & cold walk home only a few
hundred metres away, but everything was wet and getting wetter.
Even with him pulling and her pushing, they wouldnt go on. Finally, after a massive effort
they did it only for the kid to point out they were on the wrong feet.
Over a 10 minute sweat-drenched period the boots were heaved off & on again, at which
time the kid announced, These arent my boots.
Resisting (just) an overwhelming desire to scream, she said, Why didnt you say so
before? then pulled them off again.
As soon as she achieved this, he said, Theyre my brothers. Mum made me wear them.
Once more into the breach. The uneven struggles resumed.
At last the boots were on.
Helping the boy into his coat, she asked, Now, where are your gloves?
He said, I stuffed them in the toes of my boots.
Her trial starts next month.
35 | P a g e
Arguments
What do you mean, Come over here? - I am over here.
Hed argue with a signpost
There are two theories as to how to win an argument with a woman. Neither works.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with
experience.
To stop a domestic argument, simply re-arrange the following words into a well-known
phrase or sentence:
Dear
Yes
Love and courting
Men: beware of false advertising. When the assistant at the perfume counter says the stuff
is irresistible, ask her why shes still there.
Men: also beware of what is believed to be a new perfume so powerful that on the
label it tells you on no account to use it if youre bluffing.
He asked to see her home so often that eventually she sent him a photo of the house.
He: Im going to make you the happiest woman in the world
She: Ill miss you.
If a man prepares any dinner for you that contains two or more types of lettuce, he is really
serious.
She:
He:
She:
Would you like to go for a walk?

Id love to!
Well, dont let me detain you.
Marriage
I used to live in the fast lane, but I married a speed hump.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
When they first got married they were deliriously happy. Then, on the way back down the
aisle ...
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
An optimist is someone who looks forward to marriage a pessimist is a married optimist.
36 | P a g e
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they

agree to let her have her own way.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't while a man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
He: Ill make a lot of women very unhappy when I marry.
She: So, how many were you planning to marry?
As a reporter he was trained to ask Who? What? Where? When? and Why?
Unfortunately his first assignment turned out to be a wedding.
Marriage is like flies on a window those on the outside want in and those on the inside
want out.
Medical
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, do the others enjoy it?
A symptom of shingles is an uncontrollable urge to nail yourself to a roof.
Hospitals are enema territory
As I couldnt afford to have the operation my doctor touched up my X-rays instead.
Cure for insomnia: get more sleep.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Men
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.
Rita Mae Brown
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman

If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they just put them all there?
Hed been on so many blind dates, he got a free dog.
His ambition is to be the last man on earth - so he can find out if all those girls were telling
him the truth.
Work
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, youre still a rat.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
37 | P a g e
Lily Tomlin
The sooner you fall behind the more time youll have to catch up.
If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
Claude McDonald
Youth
Youth is wasted on the young.
These days, youths have all the answers - unfortunately, they don't get the questions.
To recapture your youth, simply cut off his financial support.
Parents of two youths were worried about their children's failing eyesight. Their
daughter couldn't find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes and their son can't
find anything to eat in a refrigerator full of food.
Youths are people who act like babies when theyre not treated like adults
Timely discussion
He was working away in his garden when his neighbour stuck his head over the fence and
asked him what he was doing.
"Putting up a sundial" he replied.
"Really?" said his friend, "How does that work?"
"Well, the sun hits this small triangle, which casts a shadow on this piece of stone. As the
sun moves, the shadow points to the numbers on the stone's calibrated dial, enabling me
to tell the time."
"Amazing," he said, "What will they think of next?"
Learner driver
Tom is taking his driving test. The examiner says,
Yes, sir, replies Tom.
When he taps the dashboard, Tom screeches to a halt, leaps out of the car and screams,
Get out of the way, you stupid little idiot!
38 | P a g e
Tee-shirt logos for teachers

Some mornings its just not worth chewing through the leather straps
No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldnt work anyway.
Ready.
Fire.
Aim.
Do not confuse your career with your life
You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, just try to answer the questions.
Middle East
The prime minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding
the resolution of the conflict. Prime Minister Sharon requests that he be allowed to begin
with a story.
Arafat replies, "Of course."
The prime minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land
and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began
complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream
appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the
stream to do some bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he
found that all his clothing was missing.
"'Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.
"'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites.
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of
Moses!"
"All right," replied the prime minister. "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our
negotiations."
If men ruled the world

Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Telephone calls would automatically cut out after 30 seconds
You could always find a flamethrower when you needed one
All remote controls would operate all entertainment systems
and
they still wouldnt understand women.
39 | P a g e
Ambition
Johnny: When I grow up I want to be a drummer.
Mum:
Now Johnny, you know that you cant do both.
Ten ways to know you are a teacher

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You think people should require a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Valium.
You think caffeine should be available as an intravenous drip.
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
The rat
A visiting music lover wanders into a back street antique shop in Sydneys The Rocks.
Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of
a rat. The sculpture is so interesting that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it
costs.
Ten dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and ten thousand dollars more for the
story behind it.
You can keep the story, mate, He replies, But Ill take the rat.
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As
he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer and fall into
step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every
time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people
begin point and talk excitedly. He breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from
sewers, basements, and doorways. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he
approaches the wharves, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the
40 | P a g e
rats keep up, squealing hideously, now in their thousands, so by the time he reaches the
end of the wharf a trail of rats 300 metres long stretches behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a bollard and hurls the bronze rat into the harbour.
He watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the wharfs edge into
Sydney Harbour, where they drown.
Shaking and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
Ah, so youve come back for the rest of the story, says the owner.
No, says the music lover, I was wondering if you have a bronze banjo player.
Points to Ponder
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents; it is how he found out.
If you want to know more about paranoids follow them around.
How would we measure hail without golf balls?
I once had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Q:
How can you tell the twins apart?
A:
Her brother has a moustache.
A blind man was given a cheese grater for his birthday by his friend.
He emailed his thanks, and said it was certainly the most violent book Ive read in
years
41 | P a g e
Band Weapons
Be alert but not alarmed
Band Weapons of Mass Destruction may appear innocuous, but in the right hands
these insidious instruments present a threat of potentially disastrous proportions.
PICCOLO The diminutive dimensions of this weapon make it especially dangerous as it
is easily concealed and can be set off just about anywhere. This device emits a highpitched squeal that directly targets the inner ear, temporarily disorienting its victims.
Applied in concert with a second piccolo of slightly higher or lower pitch, the weapons
produce the effect of an ice pick through the eardrum and may cause widespread carnage
amongst music lovers.
FLUTE
Slightly less effective than the piccolo but nonetheless not to be trifled with.
The flute possesses the same destructive qualities as the piccolo but is required in greater
numbers to do so. Year 7and 8 females are especially vulnerable to flautists.
OBOE
The instrument's stealth qualities lure its intended victims into a false state of
security, and then hit them without mercy. The oboe is a weapon of tremendous power,
capable of producing a tone of laser-like intensity. Its sheer capabilities for volume have
been known to overpower an entire concert band.
CLARINET The Tasmanian Devil of the woodwind family, it is entirely uncontrollable and
unpredictable, its blunderbuss-like emissions occur without warning. It is as much a danger
to its owner as it is to the intended victim. Particularly dangerous in jazz basements.
SAXOPHONE
Devised by Adolph Sax following a dare by a drunken harpist, the sole
intended victim of this weapon is the concert band French horn player. Composers and
arrangers are to blame as much as the saxophone operators.
TRUMPET One would think that a trumpeter's greatest weapon is its ability to play high
notes at great volume. This is incorrect. The danger is not in the player who can play high.
The danger lies in the player who THINKS he can play high. Trumpeters inflated egos are a
danger to themselves and all around them.
TROMBONE The instrument itself is benign. What is truly dangerous is the trombone player
- the original "smart bomber". Insertion of one or more trombonists instantly lowers the
aggregate I.Q. in the room and within minutes of exposure, all within a 50-foot radius are
incapable of the simplest motor functions. Outlawed by the Geneva Convention in 1999.
TUBA A weapon of mass confusion, when detonated it produces a general feeling of

biliousness within its effective range. Additionally, if a sousaphone is attached to a marching
group, their Um-Pah-Pahs eventually reduce it to a crawl, so they rarely arrive at all.
DRUM
This weapon affects only a small demographic: teenage girls and the fathers
of these girls with steady jobs and liquid bank accounts. The drummers neanderthal inanity
and the accompanying primitive acoustics act like a computer worm. The drummer will
attach itself to an unsuspecting teenage girl and milk her and her father's finances in such a
way as to not be noticeable until it is far too late.
GUITAR
This weapon is a lot like a grenade: by the time you hear the noise, its too
late far, far too late. Guitar players have much in common with blind javelin throwers; both
command immediate attention and force everyone to move out of range (which is about 1.5
kilometres). Guitarists are highly strung and fret a lot, but they can be stopped
from playing simply by placing sheet music in front of them.
42 | P a g e
Splashing around
The old farmer went down to his dam, where he found a group of young female tourists had
trespassed and were skinny-dipping in the shallow end.
They immediately swam to the deeper end and yelled at him Were not coming out till you
leave!
The Bushie replied,
I didnt come down here to watch you ladies. Ive come to feed the crocodiles.
Entry requirements
A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon his arrival in Sydney he was interviewed by an
immigration officer.
The immigration officer asked, "Do you have a criminal record?"
The Scot looked slightly bewildered and replied, "Well no . . . I didn't realise you still
needed one to get in."
A better Mousetrap
MacPherson bought a brand new mousetrap but gagged at the cost of buying some
cheese to put in it.
He had the brainwave of cutting out a very realistic-looking picture of a piece of cheese
from a magazine and putting it in the trap.
Next morning he examined the trap and found he had caught a very realistic-looking
picture of a mouse.
In-Genie-ous
A Scotsman and an Englishman find an old bottle on a beach, give it a rub and, as usual,
out pops a genie. For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish each, says
the genie
The Englishman says, Im sick and tired of the Scots coming into England. I wish there was
a huge wall around England to keep them out. Poof! And its done.
The Scotsman says, So, tell me about this wall, genie. Well, says the genie, Its 500
feet high and 200 feet thick. Nothing can get in and nothing can get out.
Right, then, says the Scotsman. Fill it with water.
Golf Questions
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told
me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What
questions did you ask?
Mary: Well, for example, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
43 | P a g e
Time warp
A man was pacing back & forth. He looked at his watch yet again and yelled
upstairs to his wife, Darling, are you ready yet?
His wife shouted back, For goodness sake, Dear, Ive been telling you for the
past half hourIll be ready in a minute!
Crystal ball
In the dark & hazy room a mystic looks up from her crystal ball and delivers
grave news to her visitor
There is no easy way to tell you this, so Ill be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a
widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.
Visibly shaken, Laura stares at the fortune-tellers gnarled face in the light of
the flickering candle, takes some deep breaths and prepares to ask for the
answer to a question she simply has to ask.
Laura steadies herself, and in a quavering voice asks the old lady,
Will I be acquitted?
If
If they built buildings like governments govern, the first woodpecker would
destroy civilisation.
Local government, European-style

A few years ago a small Greek town twinned with a small Italian town.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the
palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could
afford such a house. The Italian said, See that bridge over there? The EU gave
us a grant to build a two-lane bridge but by building a single-lane bridge with
traffic lights at each end, this house could be built.
The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed
at the Greek mayors house gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.
When asked how this could be afforded, the Greek said:
You see that bridge over there?
The Italian replied, no.
School genius lines
School genius to his teacher:

People think it must be fun to be a genius, but they dont realise how hard it is
to put up with all the idiots in the world.
44 | P a g e
Teacher to school genius:

Isnt the zipper on your trousers supposed to be at the front?
School genius lines 2

School genius to his teacher: I cant seem to get the lid off this jar.
Teacher to school genius: Thats because its a tin.
Scottish Pick-up line:
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Me too
They were discussing death. One of them asked the others: "When you are in your casket
and friends and family are gathered around you, what would you most like to hear them say
about you?
The favourite answer: Look hes moving!
45 | P a g e
One liners - Table of

Contents
1.
Airlines
2.
Analogies
3.
Animals
4.
Arguments
5.
Armed & dangerous
6.
Army
7.
Atheism
8.
Australian Outback
9.
Babies
10.
Baby Boomers
11.
Bible
12.
Bores and boredom
13.
Careers
14.
Christians
15.
Church
16.
Clothing
17.
Computers &Technology
18.
Cooking
19.
Couples (husbands & wives)
20.
Critics
21.
Criticism
22.
Death
23.
Deep thoughts
24.
Diets
25.
Drink
26.
Economists
27.
Education
28.
England & the English
46 | P a g e
29.
English language
30.
Epitaphs & last words
31.
Experience
32.
Fitness & Exercise
33.
Food
34.
Gardening
35.
God
36.
Golf
37.
Government
38.
Health
39.
Housekeeping
40.
Idiots
41.
Insults
42.
Jobs
43.
Kids
44.
Kids on kids
45.
Latin
46.
Lawyers and the Law
47.
Learning & experience
48.
Little Known Facts
49.
Love & courting
50.
Marriage
51.
Marrying
52.
Mathematics
53.
Medical
54.
Men
55.
Military
56.
Mistakes
57.
Money
58.
Mothers
59.
Movies
60.
Music
61.
Opening lines
62.
Optimists
63.
Oxymorons
64.
Parents
47 | P a g e
65.
Pessimists
66.
Pets
67.
Points to Ponder
68.
Politicians
69.
Praise & Flattery
70.
71.
Puns
72.
Quizzes
73.
Quotations
74.
Referees recommendations
75.
Roasts
76.
School
77.
Science
78.
Scottish
79.
Sex
80.
Sickness
81.
Signs & sign writers
82.
Speeches & introductions
83.
Sport
84.
Statistics
85.
Success
86.
Taxes
87.
Teaching
88.
Technology
89.
Time
90.
Truth & lies
91.
Trivia
92.
Two of a kind
93.
University
94.
Unresolved issues
95.
Vets
96.
Weather
97.
Work
98.
Women
99.
Word plays
100.
Words of Wisdom
48 | P a g e
101.
49 | P a g e
Youth
Airlines & Airports

It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase:
'As pretty as an Airport' appear.
Douglas Adams
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How can anything that travels at 900 kilometres per hour be late?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a delay of about three hours.
If God had intended man to fly, He would not have invented Spanish Air Traffic Control.
Then there was the Kamikaze pilot who had seven successful missions
Analogies: Worst Analogies

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil, but unlike Phil, this plan just might
work.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a long time.
He was as lame as a real duck that was actually lame - maybe from stepping on a
landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog
at a fire hydrant.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to a wall.
Animals
If were not meant to eat them, why are they made out of meat?
I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain just to become a vegetarian.
Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Im not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
'Groucho' Marx
Horses have four horseshoes nailed to their feet; they should be the luckiest creatures in
the world.
50 | P a g e
Arguments
What do you mean, Come over here? - I am over here.
Hed argue with a signpost
There are two theories as to how to win an argument with a woman. Neither works.
experience.
To stop a domestic argument, simply re-arrange the following words into a well-known
phrase or sentence:
Dear
Yes
Army
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant - they may be low on ammo."
"Tracer works both ways."
- Infantry Journal
- Army Intelligence Briefing Note
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
Armed & dangerous

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend."
No matter how trivial, somebody will find a way to take it way too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a
solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is completely crazy.
Everyone believes that they are above average drivers.

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic
weapons."
(General Douglas MacArthur)
51 | P a g e
Atheism
Atheism is a sort of crutch for those who can't stand the reality of God.
I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
Atheist Dial-a-Prayer: you ring the number but no one ever answers
An atheist is a person with no invisible means of support
Australian outback
The drought was so bad that pubs were serving beer full-strength.
The grazier was so rich that when he wrote a cheque the bank bounced.
The farmer won $15,000,000 in a lottery, but decided not retire and just keep on
farming until it had all gone.
How come one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to light a
campfire?
He bought a farm 30 kilometres long but only 25 metres wide; he is planning to grow
spaghetti.
Babies
We dont know our new babys name yet we cant understand a thing he says.
The only time a woman wishes she was a year older is when she's expecting a baby.
A baby is an example of minority rule
Babies consist basically of a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at
the other
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two
hours?
52 | P a g e
Baby Boomers
My ambition is to be the last man on earth - so I can find out if all those girls were telling
me the truth.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - that is, as long as I die before
Thursday.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone
If Id realised how much fun grandchildren were, Id have had them first.
'It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.'
Scott Elledge.
Bores and boredom

The resort was so dull that one day the tide went out and didn't bother to come
back.
He could bore for England
Fresco's Law: If you knew what you were doing, youd probably be bored.
An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future
generations.
Charles de Montesquieu (1689 1755)
Soldiering consists of 99% boredom plus 1% utter terror
Careers & ambition
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
Life can sometimes appear like a dog sled team. If youre not the lead dog, the
scenery never changes.
It is very easy to confuse your career with your life.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
53 | P a g e
My boss always welcomes an exchange of opinions. He wants me to go in with mine

and come out with his.
Christian
Ah, Jonah you just cant keep a good man down.
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so
much.
Mother Teresa
God promises a safe landing, not a smooth passage.
Time after time the Bible says, and it came to pass. Not once does it say and it
came to stay.
Christians may be criticised for swimming against the tide, but even a dead dog can float
with the current.
Church
If Adam and Eve returned to earth now, the only thing theyd recognise would be the jokes.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Did the Thessalonians ever write back to Paul?
Someone might like to tell the chickens what we mean when we say someone has
crossed to the other side
Not been for a while? Dont wait till youre carried in by six large men.
Clothing
A pullover is a garment worn by a child when its mother feels cold.
He said that he bought the suit for a ridiculous price but in fact, he bought it for an
absurd figure.
The supermodel advised the second supermodel that she would look just supeb in
something long and flowing such as a river.
My wife says she has only two complaints: she has absolutely nothing to wear and is
completely out of wardrobe space to keep it in.
She was wearing a gownless evening strap it looked as if she had just thrown something
on and missed.
54 | P a g e
I have a suit for every day of the year and this is it.
Computers &Technology
Abandon Hope all Ye who press Enter here.
A computer is just a high-speed moron, which can reach the wrong conclusion 100,000
times faster than you can.
To err is human, to really foul up require computers
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean
idiot.
Computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the
consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
Doug Larson
Why is it that both drug addicts and computer aficionados are called users?
Cooking
The other day I made some Indian food. It was so authentic you couldn't even drink
the water.
And my cheesecake melts in your mouth. Oh, sure, it may take a day or so - but eventually
it melts in your mouth.
Put a ladle in my hand and you have two things of approximately equal intelligence.
If you eat pasta AND antipasti, the calories cancel each other out!
I read recipes the same as I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well,
that's not going to happen.'
Couples (Husbands & Wives)

Men try praising your wife. Even if it does frighten her at first.
After marriage, a womans sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her
husband without looking at him, and a mans so dull that he can look right through
his wife without seeing her.
Helen Rowland
There is no difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a supermodel
55 | P a g e
(if the pregnant womans husband knows whats good for him)
My wife does bird imitations. She watches me like a hawk
A man who thinks he is smarter than his wife has a very smart wife.
Take a greater interest in your husbands hobbies. Hire a detective.
Ive decided to go to an assertiveness training class but first I need to check with my wife.
Crime and punishment
The only way to ensure crime doesnt pay is to nationalise it
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
New York leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt
make a sudden move.
Notice on revolver case: For best results, do not leave at the Crime Scene
Im a criminal lawyer. Thank you for being so frank.
Critics
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them,
youre a mile away and you have their shoes.
A theatre critic is the man who stones the first cast

I got a free copy of the book and I still feel cheated
My seat, unfortunately, was facing the stage.
Ive had a wonderful evening, but this wasnt it. [Groucho Marx]
Ive seen more excitement at the opening of an umbrella.
Earl Wilson
He played the King as if someone else was about to play the ace.
[On an actor in the lead of King Lear]
Criticism
I saw it at a disadvantage. The curtain was up.
It had all the impact of banging together two damp dish cloths.
In case of fire, throw this in.
The final score was Sydney 5, Melbourne 0. Melbourne was lucky to get 0.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The Sydney Symphony Orchestra played Beethoven last night. Beethoven lost.
56 | P a g e
The show had a happy ending everyone was delighted when it was finally over.
This book should not be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. [Dorothy
Parker]
The scenery was beautiful. Alas, the actors got in front of it.
The play was so bad I asked the woman in front of me to put her hat on.
In California, they dont throw their garbage away. They recycle it into TV
programmes.
This film is so bad you would have to sit through it four times just to get your moneys
worth.
Death
Death is natures way of hinting that you should slow down a little.
He willed his body to science, but science is contesting the will.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
Life is great: without it, youd be dead.
I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by
departing patients than those of any other author.
Robert Benchley
Deep thoughts
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
How come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be
sure
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
Diets
Die tip: place scales in front of refrigerator.
57 | P a g e
Also, put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, you'll get at
least one thing done.
A diet is a programme for people who are thick & tired of it.
Dieters are wishful shrinkers
Vegetarian is an Aboriginal word for lousy hunter.
One of lifes mysteries is how a 200g box of chocolate can make you gain 500g.
Brain cells come, brain cells go, but fat cells live for ever.
Drink
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
If you drink, dont drive. Dont even putt.
The formula for drinking: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
Alcohol and petrol dont mix.
Well, they do but they taste horrible.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Economists
An econometrician is a person who, if you misplace a telephone number, will estimate one
for you.
Economists state the simple in terms of the incomprehensible
Economists are people who, if laid end-to-end, would not come to a conclusion
An economist knows all the answers he just doesnt understand the question.
Economics is forecasting the past
Theres no sense in being precise when you dont even know what youre talking
about.
John von Neumann
Education
Generally speaking, you arent learning much when your lips are moving
Education and intelligence are not the same thing.
If we keep on learning at this rate well soon know nothing at all.
Mark Twain
I can explain it to you but I cant understand it for you.
58 | P a g e
If you havent much education you must use your brain

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.
Robert Frost (1874 1963)
Donsen's Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he
knows everything about nothing; the generalist learns less and less about more and more
until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.
England & the English

England and America are two countries separated by a common language.
George Bernard Shaw
If you live in Birmingham [England], then being awake is not necessarily a desirable
state.
Tony Wilson
I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldnt trust an Englishman in
the dark.
Duncan Spaeth
England is filled with educated idiots. Some have knighthoods which makes it
official.
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.
James Agate
English language
If the pen is mightier than the sword & a picture is worth a thousand words, how
dangerous does that make Facebook?
The newspaper held a poetry contest where there were only two rules: the poem had to
rhyme, be brief and appeal to people.
The winner?
Pay
Day
The big advantage of a book is its very easy to rewind; close it and youre right back
at the beginning.
Jerry Seinfeld
Thats not writing, thats typing.
Truman Capote
He writes dialogues by cutting monologues in two.
Arthur 'Bugs' Baer
In my sentences I go where no man has gone before I am a boon to the English

language.
George W. Bush 43rd U.S. president
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley
59 | P a g e
Entertainment
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian; well, theyre not laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Art is anything you can get away with.
Fred Allen
Andy Warhol
Television is a device that permits people who havent anything to do to watch

people who cant do anything.
Fred Allen
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
Lily Tomlin
Epitaphs & last words
Blanchard's Newspaper Obituary Law: If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
The tombstone read: Here lies a referee and an honest man which was odd as its not
often they bury two people in the one grave.
C. Dracula
1236
1458
1527
1703
1823
1995
Last Words
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one
What duck?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
Give me liberty or give me death.
Hey that's not a violin.
This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
60 | P a g e
Experience
The trouble with experience is that it teaches you stuff you dont want to know.
Experience is what you have when you are too old to get a job.
Experience is what you get when you dont get what you want.
Experience is something you don't get until seconds after you need it.
Experience gives the test then presents the lesson.
Experience is the comb nature gives us when we are bald.
Fitness & Exercise

I'm more frantic than a one-legged Riverdancer.
I'm more active than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
I spent $500 on a Health Club course last year and didn't lose a gram. Apparently you
have to show up.
If you are going cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I went for a run in the car. It didn't really work. I kept banging my knees on the steering
wheel.
Food
Red meat is not bad for you. Now, grey-green meat, on the other hand
Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the way they sound. The others are
haggis and squid.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Whats red and invisible? No tomatoes.
In Australia, we have a special word for sushi bait.
Gardening
A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in
rows.
Doug Larson
61 | P a g e
Mens fool proof way to tell a weed from a plant:

Pull it up if it grows back, it's a weed!
As Adam said to Eve: "I wear the plants in this family!"
I owe my love of gardening to my mis-spent youth. At school I spent so much time
standing in the corner, I grew up thinking I was a fern.
A marijuana crop got mixed up with super phosphate; the crops rotated themselves.
Then there was the amateur gardener who thought rhubarb was celery with high
blood pressure.
62 | P a g e
God
Dear God, Thanks
Epitaph
God is dead. - Nietzsche

Nietzsche is dead. God
Church sign 1:
Tomorrows Forecast: God Reigns and the Son Shines.
Church sign 2:
Most People Want To Serve God - but only in an advisory capacity
In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did
not also limit his stupidity.
Konrad Adenauer(1876 1967) German statesman
Golf
Golf is the infallible test; the man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the
knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man
who will serve you faithfully and well.
P. G. Wodehouse
I bought some long distance golf balls. Its amazing how far out of bounds they can go.
The sand trap was notorious it even had headstones.
There are two key theories to explain the art of putting. Neither works.
He was so well-adjusted that he could play golf as if it was just a game.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to
get worse.
Government
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, Im from the government
and Im here to help.
Ronald Reagan
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of parliament. But then, I
repeat myself.
Mark Twain
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of
Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have
for dinner.
James Bovard
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
63 | P a g e
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an
interest in you.
Pericles (430 B.C.)
Health
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural
causes.
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you
weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me - Im afraid of widths.
Eat your spinach and you will grow up big and strong like Popeye.
You will also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyle.
There is no such thing as a little garlic.
Housekeeping
Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer do it yourself
If writing in the dust, please do not add the date.
Countless people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead fairly normal lives.
I am a marvellous housekeeper; every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Nature abhors a vacuum and so do I.
Anne Gibbons
Idiots
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
His elevator didnt quite make it to the top floor
There seems to be one kangaroo missing from the top paddock
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but theres no train.
He was:
One sheep short of a flock
A couple of tassels short of a sporran.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

experience.
64 | P a g e
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
I wouldnt want to see him working with sub-atomic particles.
Insults
If they ever put a price on your head, take it.
It's all right to donate your brain to science, but you should have waited till you died.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
He was as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a packed string section
I have to say that in all the years I have known him, no one has ever questioned his
intelligence. In fact, Ive never heard anyone mention it.
Jobs
Pride, commitment, teamwork; Words we use to get you to work for free.
If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
I pretend to work; They pretend to pay me.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
Ive found the perfect job total peace & quiet! Its managing the Complaints Department
at the parachute packing plant.
In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required - At work you
get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your
salary to pay for prisoners.
Kids
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you
shouldn't have said.
There are only two things kids will share willingly -- communicable diseases and
their mothers age.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school
clothes.
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from Children."
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Kids on kids
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
I live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry
because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their lives?
Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
When you get a bad report from school, show it to your mum when she's on the
phone.
Latin
The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world if they had been obliged
first to learn Latin.
Heinrich Heine(1797 1856)
French one-letter swaps

Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well known expression in a foreign
language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?
HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food
QUIP PRO QUO: A fast retort
MAZEL TON: Tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE: Don't leave your chateau without it
Lawyers
The problem with telling lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, and
nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Honesty is the best policy but insanity is a better defence.
If its true that were here to help others, what are the lawyers here for?
I was standing with my lawyer in front of a wishing well outside the courthouse when
suddenly he fell into the well. I never dreamed those things actually worked.
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Then there was the lawyer with so little hair that the barber charged him a search
fee.
Learning & experience

Ive learned to procrastinate now and not to put it off
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Aspirations: I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
If we really learned from our past mistakes, no one would get out of bed in the morning.
Little known facts

A nice box of chocolates provides your total daily intake of calories in one place.
Isn't that handy?
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a two bedroom flat to a depth of 3
centimetres. Isn't that interesting?
Did you know that no one really listens to anyone else? Try it for a while youll see
why.
It takes three sheep to make a pullover and I didnt even know that hey could knit
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
Love and courting

Men: beware of false advertising. When the assistant at the perfume counter says the stuff
is irresistible, ask her why shes still there.
Men: also beware of what is believed to be a new perfume so powerful that on the
label it tells you on no account to use it if youre bluffing.
He asked to see her home so often that eventually she sent him a photo of the house.
He: Im going to make you the happiest woman in the world
She: Ill miss you.
If a man prepares any dinner for you that contains two or more types of lettuce, he is really
serious.
She:
He:
She:
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Would you like to go for a walk?

Id love to!
Well, dont let me detain you.
Marriage
I used to live in the fast lane, but I married a speed hump.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
When they first got married they were deliriously happy. Then, on the way back down the
aisle ...
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
An optimist is someone who looks forward to marriage and a pessimist is a married
optimist.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they
agree to let her have her own way.
Marrying
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't while a man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
He: Ill make a lot of women very unhappy when I marry.
She: So, how many were you planning to marry?
As a reporter he was trained to ask Who? What? Where? When? and Why?
Unfortunately his first assignment turned out to be a wedding.
Marriage is like flies on a window those on the outside want in and those on the inside
want out.
Medical
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, do the others enjoy it?
A little known symptom of shingles is an uncontrollable urge to nail yourself to a
roof.
Hospitals are enema territory
As I couldnt afford to have the operation my doctor touched up my X-rays instead.
Cure for insomnia: get more sleep.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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Mathematics
All coordinate systems are equal, but some are more equal than others.
Algebra was easy for the Romans because "X" was always 10.
Maths problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].
There are 10 types of people in the country, those who understand binary and those who
don't
If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines
crashing together!
Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules
and no objectives.
If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much
longer.
Men
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.
Rita Mae Brown
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman

If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they just put them all there?
Hed been on so many blind dates, he got a free dog.
His ambition is to be the last man on earth - so he can find out if all those girls were telling
him the truth.
Military
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Who cares if a laser guided 500 kilo bomb is only accurate to within 2 metres?
Never trust an officer with a map.
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Mistakes
If you dont learn from your mistakes, whats the point in making them?
I am sorry I offended you with my critique. I should have lied.
Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same
mistake.
Alfred E. Neuman
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs but it is amazing how many
eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely fool
proof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Douglas Adams
Money
Money isn't everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Buy one for the price of two and get another one free!
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - that is, as long as I die before
Thursday.
To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it
Mothers
Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer do it yourself
If writing in the dust, please do not add the date.
Countless people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead fairly normal lives.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
Ask any woman her age and 9 times out of 10 shell guess wrong.
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Music
Piano teacher to unruly pupils:
Behave yourselves or Ill tell your parents you are genuinely gifted
I liked your opera. I think I will set it to music. [Ludwig van Beethoven]
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
['Groucho' Marx]
Bagpiping is where the music sounds the same after you have finished
learning to play them as it did when you started.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture
If I hadnt been a musician Id have wanted to be a drummer.
Neologisms
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers
are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners :
1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in
your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
9. Flatulence (n.) vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and
gets stuck there.
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Opening lines
Bulwer-Lytton Award: best worst opening lines.
For those of you who do not know, Bulwer-Lytton wrote The Last Days of Pompeii, which opens with
the famous line "It was a dark and stormy night." Hence the contest.
1) Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.
2) Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) As the fading light of a dying day filtered through the window blinds, Roger stood over his
victim with a smoking .45, surprised at the serenity that filled him after pumping six slugs
into the bloodless tyrant that mocked him day after day, and then he shuffled out of the
office with one last look back at the shattered computer terminal lying there like a silicon
armadillo left to rot on the information superhighway.
(1994 Winner)
4) Gerald beganbut was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten per
cent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the
eruption, not that it mattered much because for them permanently meant the next
ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ashto floss.
(2007 Winner)
5) The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sulkily and, buffing
her already impeccable nails--not for the first time since the journey began--pondered
snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other
holidays spent with Basil.
(1983 Winner)
Optimists
No one cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy
Its a good thing were all different. Otherwise they wouldnt sell many packets of
mixed biscuits.
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said Certainly can! You look great! The world's your oyster! Youre a winner! Go get em,
champ!
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on
the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
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Oxymorons
1. Act naturally
2. Found missing
3. Airline Food
4. Good grief
5. Same difference
6. Almost exactly
7. Government organization
8. Alone together
9. Military Intelligence
10."Now, then ..."
11. Clearly misunderstood
12.Temporary tax increase
13.Terribly pleased
14.Tight slacks
15.Definite maybe
16.Pretty ugly
17.Diet ice cream
18.Working vacation
19.Exact estimate
20.Microsoft Works
Parents
If you have any advice to give to your kids, give it to them while they are young enough to
believe you know what you are talking about.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you
shouldn't have said.
There are only two things kids will share willingly -- communicable diseases and their
mothers age.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
The best safety device is a rear view mirror with a police car in it.
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Pessimists
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative
My purpose in life is to serve as a grim warning to others.
A hotel chain decided to open a bar on the moon. It didnt work: no atmosphere.
If youve seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I dont want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it by not
dying. (Woody Allen)
Pets
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of some sort of cult.
Life can sometimes appear like a dog-sled team. If youre not the lead dog, the scenery
never changes.
Outside of a dog, a book is a mans best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read.
(Groucho Marx)
Why isnt there mouse-flavoured cat food?
A dog is better than a parent as the later you get home, the happier it is.
Points to ponder
Could someone ever get addicted to counselling? If so, how could you treat them?
Does anyone ever vanish with a trace?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?
Points to make
Never have a heart attack while playing charades
Want to make God laugh?
Tell Him your plans
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Politics & Politicians

Capitalism is dog eats dog. Communism is completely the reverse.
If politics may be the second oldest profession but it certainly has been heavily
influenced by the first.
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop (c. 620 564 BC) Greek slave and author
No matter who you vote for, you still end up with a politician
Politics:
Poly (many) + ticks (blood-sucking parasites).
Statesman: Dead politician (we need more statesmen!)
Apparently the key to political success is sincerity. If you can fake that, youve got it made.
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take
an interest in you.
Pericles (430 B.C.)
This Week: How to keep politicians honest
Next week: How to nail jelly to the ceiling
Question: Whats the difference between a politician and a sandwich?
Answer: A sandwich is only 2 centimetres thick.
Praise & flattery

Flattery is telling people exactly what they think of themselves.
Flattery is the sincerest form of lying; it is the art of saying the right thing for the
wrong reason.
God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick
ourselves too easily.
Having critics praise you feels a little like a hangman admiring your neck.
Somebody complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen
which read: 'Parking Fine.'
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The last time he gave a sermon he had the congregation glued to their seats which, in
hindsight, was a terribly good idea.
What a preacher! His sermons were like water to a drowning man.
Marvellous preacher! At the end of every sermon there was a tremendous awakening.
He preached like a Bishop his sermons seemed to only progress diagonally.
Some sermons are preached straight from the shoulder. Pity they didnt originate slightly
higher up.
Im not saying that his sermon was overly long, but it was sad that I didnt get the
opportunity to see my children growing up.
Puns
Two television aerials met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married. The wedding
ceremony wasnt much, but the reception was excellent.
A red ship and a blue ship collided. The survivors were marooned.
The incompetent navy ships captain: he grounds the warship he walks on.
The dental patient refused to be anaesthetised prior to having root canal work; he wanted
to transcend dental medication.
A man sent in 10 entries to a Pun Competition, in the hope that at least one would
win a prize; unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Quizzes
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Its not so much who invented Vegemite, as why?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Stupidity got us into this mess: why can't it get us out?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why is it called a building when its already built?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do "fat chance" & "slim chance" mean the same?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, who came up with: "Quit while you're
ahead?"
Why do "slow down" & "slow up" mean the same?
Why are "wise man" & "wise guy" opposites?
Why does "Yeah, right" mean wrong?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
If the pen is mightier than the sword & a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous
does that make a fax?
If its neither here nor there, where is it?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead
of just murdered?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put
wheels on luggage?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just
buy dinner?
If all the world is a stage, where do they put the audience?
Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
How can you have a civil war?
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How does the snow plough driver get to work?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
How do 'Don't Walk on the Grass' signs get there?
Is television called a medium because it's neither rare nor well done?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If the black box always survives, why don't they make the whole plane out of the stuff?
Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?
Quotations
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and
die.
Mel Brooks
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with
laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted
Mae West
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
References and recommendations

He has the creativity of a photocopier.
His team would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this candidate.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was
previously in there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
She would be out of her depth in a car park puddle.
He reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace,
but not really going anywhere.
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This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.
She would argue with a signpost
Hes as big as a gorilla and as strong as a gorilla; if he was as smart as a gorilla hed
be fine.
If he were any stupider, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Roasts
This man is all tip no iceberg
Ill never forget the first time I met Bill and dont think I havent tried.
Since I met Bill ten years ago there hasnt been a day I havent thought about him.
And I havent thought about him today, either.
In many ways Bills been like a son to me insolent, ungrateful, disrespectful but I
digress.
As an institution, Bill would sell for land value alone
Bill is a humble and modest man and with good reason.
Actually, hes an inspiration to us all. Lets face it, if he can make it, then anyone can.
He was so vain that he joined the navy so the world could see him.
School
The HSC were the happiest three years of my life.
At school I spent so much time standing in the corner, I grew up thinking I was a fern
When you get a bad report from school, show it to your mum when she's on the
phone.
Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Mum to dad at breakfast table: It certainly is easier to get Lachlan up for school
since he got his nose ring.
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Science
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
If it wasnt for electricity wed all be watching television by candlelight.
Research causes cancer in rats.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them that Einstein thought
of it first.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate
Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)
And God said: E = +mv^2 - Ze^2/r ...and there *WAS* light!
Scottish
Old Scottish recipe 1: First, borrow three eggs.
Old Scottish recipe 2: First, steal a sheep.
Heard about the Scotsman who thought the film was so bad, he had to sit through it
three times just to get his money's worth?
Bargain: Then there was the Scotsman who bought six canaries because they were going
cheep.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went in to a bar.
The barman said: Is this some kind of a joke?
Jock was so mean that when he found a box of corn plasters, he went out and borrowed a
pair of tight shoes.
Sex
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I dont believe the kids should be
given homework.
Bill Cosby
Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.
How many husbands have I had? do you mean apart from my own?
Zsa Zsa Gabor
It takes two to get one in trouble.
Mae West
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.
John Barrymore (1882 1942) actor
80 | P a g e
Familiarity breeds children
Sickness
A hospital is no place to be sick.
Samuel Goldwyn
Seasickness is crossing the ocean by rail

A sure cure for seasickness: sit under a tree.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
Signs & SignWriters

In a non-smoking area,
If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door, Push, Push, Push.
In an optometrists window,
If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.
On a desk in a reception room,
We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
In a cafeteria,
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Speeches & introductions

Be sincere; be brief; be seated.
Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 1945)
Our next speaker is someone you will remember for the rest of your life. If you have a
phenomenal memory. And absolutely nothing else to think about. And if you meet with a
fatal accident on your way home.
You have no idea what it feels like to come to the end of a brilliantly presented
speech. Alas, neither do I.
A public speaker of the highest calibre, a man whose wit is legendary, who is sought after
by every organisation, who honours us by his presence tonight, and who writes his own
introductions.
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Of all the people I have ever introduced, bar none, the next speaker is definitely the
most recent.
Sport
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
If practice makes perfect, but nobodys perfect, why practice?
[Warning: Kids! Dont try this line on your parents]
Disguise the fact that youre on anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Ive started watching the test cricket. My doctor says I should avoid any excitement
I would have been a great cricketer except for my captain. He kept putting me in the middle
of hat trick attempts.
Supporting the Australian cricket side is great preparation for real life. It teaches you
not to expect too much.
Statistics
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up about 75% of the world's
population.
72.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Including this one.
99 per cent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Every 1 minute two seconds, a women gives birth somewhere in India and weve got to
find that woman and stop her!
A statistician can work out the probability of anything and the value of nothing
Success
If at first you succeed, try not to look astonished
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
If at first you dont succeed, hang-gliding is not for you
You do not need a parachute to successfully skydive. You only need a parachute to
successfully skydive twice.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
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I bet you I could stop gambling.
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Taxes
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the
skin.
Mark Twain
Why does a slight tax increase cost me $200 and a substantial tax cut save me 50c?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a
bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one
party of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end
and no responsibility at the other.
Ronald Reagan
Teaching
Education and intelligence are not the same thing. So, when in doubt, look intelligent.
The world is filled with educated idiots
I can explain it to you but I cant understand it for you.
Generally speaking, you arent learning much when your lips are moving
The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with.
Technology
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer
A Programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way
you don't understand.
It's not a bug: it's a feature!
I gave my nephew a book for his birthday. He spent 6 months looking for where to
put the batteries.
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Time
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
Everything is within walking distance if you have the time.
A watched clock never boils.
Ive resigned from Neighbourhood Watch. People kept knocking on my door and asking for
the time.
There are worse things than getting a call for the wrong number at 4 a.m. - it could
be the right number.
Doug Larson
Cayo's Law:
The only things that start on time are those that youre late for.
Truth & lies

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Two wrongs dont make a right, but three lefts do.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
If I am the biggest liar youve ever met, then you must be the most beautiful women
Ive ever met.
Trivia
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If
you're ambidextrous, split the difference)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (which, on balance, is a Good Thing)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
At least 75% of people who have just read this will try to lick their elbow.
85 | P a g e
Two of a kind
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One turned to the other and said:
Can you smell fish?
(Think about it)
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: Can you drive this thing?
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Two blondes walk into a building. Youd have thought at least one of them would
have seen it.
Two lions are walking down the aisle in a supermarket. One turns to the other and says:
Quiet in here today, isnt it?
Two hamburgers walk into a bar in Alice Springs and order a beer. The bartender
said: Sorry, we dont serve food.
Two muffins are under the griller. The first muffin says, Boy, its hot under here!
The second muffin says, I dont believe it! A talking muffin!
Two television aerials met on a rooftop fell in love and got married. The wedding
ceremony wasnt much, but the reception was excellent.
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says,
"Do you smell carrots?"
Two grains of sand were sitting in a desert.
One turned to the other and said: Crowded out here, isnt it?
University
An academic is a person educated beyond his/ her intelligence
Academic: A person who has forgotten the meaning of the word irrelevant.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a
hole in a boat?
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Education is the process of going from cocksure ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty
Unresolved issues
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (H L
Mencken)
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
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Why is the alphabet in that order?

Veterinarians
Yesterday I couldnt even spell Veterinarian. Now I are one.
Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room, "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
The vet went into partnership with a taxidermist.
Their slogan? Either way, you get your pet back.
The vet crossed a chicken with a road an got the answer weve all been looking for.
The patient in the vets surgery with a lettuce on a leash had merely forgotten his glasses he thought it was a collie.
Weather
If the weather didnt change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldnt start a
conversation.
If the thermometer had been an inch longer wed all have frozen to death.
Mark Twain
The judge fined the speeding meteorologist motorist fifty dollars and told him if he
was caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow
What does the word meteorologist mean in English? it means liar.
Lewis Black
In the spelling contest, one of the words the first graders had to spell was "weather".
Little Johnny wrote: WWEEAYFFERR - which is one of the worst spells of weather we've
had for some time.
Women
The best five years of my life were between 29 and 30.
Ive resigned from Neighbourhood Watch. People kept knocking on my door and
asking for the time.
Sometimes the only way I can make up my mind is to powder my forehead.
Not only have I nothing to wear, but Ive run out of wardrobe space to keep it in.
Ask any woman her age and 9 times out of 10 shell guess wrong.
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Word play
The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with.
Two wrongs dont make a right, but three lefts do.
Home is where the house is.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
On the other hand, you have different fingers
One day, obsolescence will be a thing of the past
The trouble with being punctual is that there is no one there to appreciate it.
Cast your bread upon the waters but make sure the tide is coming in.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere out in the universe is that they havent
bothered to contact us.
Words of Wisdom
A word to the wise is unnecessary.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
I don't get evenjust odder.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge
If marriage was made illegal, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Only one thing is certain - that nothing is certain. If this statement is true, it is also
false. (Ancient paradox which must therefore be a modern truism or not.)
Its a shame that the people who actually know how to run Australia are so busy
driving taxis and cutting hair.
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Work
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, youre still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
Westheimer's Rule
To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take,
multiply by two, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. (Example:
allocate two days for a one-hour task)
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb (1775 1834) English critic & essayist
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
The sooner you fall behind the more time youll have to catch up.
If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
Claude McDonald
Youth
Youth is wasted on the young.
These days, youths have all the answers - unfortunately, they don't get the
questions.
To recapture your youth, simply cut off his financial support.
Parents of two youths were worried about their children's failing eyesight. Their
daughter couldn't find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes and their son can't
find anything to eat in a refrigerator full of food.
Youths are people who act like babies when theyre not treated like adults
Share
the
gift of
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eternal life
90 | P a g e

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St Matts Youth

How to do Standup Comedy

How to tell a joke

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian;

The St Matts Youth Humour Resource Book

Youve got to be Joking

Lightning Ridge & the Bush

How to do Standup Comedy

Seven keys to telling a joke

The seven Deadly Sins of speaking

Disaster management: the joke that flops

Dos and the Donts

When not to tell a joke

The Tip of the

Change all jokes

Triple the likelihood of success

3. Tell it as if you have never heard it before.

What is this thing called love

4. Try to personalise it for the audience.

5. Timing is the jewel in the crown.

If a paragraph or full stop two TICKTOCs.

The joke with pauses:

7. Maintain eye contact.

And thats it.

The Seven Deadly Sins

3. Dont do a foreign accent unless you know you can do it well

Do it right, or leave it out.

How to ruin it by trying the Funny Voices:

(Texan drawl): Howdy-doody, Sydney, this is Aaair Texaaas 444, fifty

How to wreck the joke

Example: Good joke:

7. Dont take joke telling too seriously

If the joke flops not

Simply go to the next section disaster management. In the meantime

Disaster management the key to relaxed joke telling

When your story crashes & burns

That was a bit like dynamiting fish.

I have to say that I thought that joke was a great success.

Well, that one went straight through to the keeper.

Apparently, I dont have as many jokes as I thought I did.

And the bottom line the ultimate in insurance policies:

and above all ...

When not to tell a joke

Exception to the rule of never starting with a joke

but be careful! Humour is only to be used if audience is on side

Our next speaker needs no introduction.

Rob Stewart, Lightning Ridge 2014

Thanking someone for your own introduction

The Lightning Ridge Goat Races

Wet wet wet

E-Mails to Tourism Australia, Lightning Ridge Branch

Pigs might fly

Deep & Meaningful

Follow the instructions

A tribute to the horse

How to install a wireless security system:

3. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish.

Down the mine

Camel Facts of Life

Bush Fire Brigade

You get the idea

Who was unhappy about the return of the prodigal son?