EXT. SIXTH AVENUE FOOD CARTS - A FALL FRIDAY, 11AM LIZ LEMON, wearing a sweatshirt and army pants, waits in line. A VENDOR works the cart very fast. The VENDOR’s WIFE sits on a folding chair nearby. A GUY on a cell phone enters. He ignores the line and goes up to the side of the cart and waves money at the woman. She reluctantly stands to serve him. LIZ Whoa, whoa. Excuse me. There's a line, buddy. The guy points to where he’s standing. uy, There’s two lines. LIZ No, what? No. There's one line, we're in it. cuy, I’m only getting a hot dog. The guy goes back to talking on his cell phone. He holds his finger up to the vendor to wait. LIZ Were all getting hot dogs. you think there’s two lines and we all ghose to be in this one and you're the only genius who got in the other line? She looks to the others, who just shrug and avert their eyes. LIZ Do you believe this guy? The back half of the line goes and lines up behind the guy. LIZ (CONT'D) You’re kidding me. He screws you over and now you’re lining behind him? That’s not fair! nae OE Hey, shut up-- (into his phone) at ‘do you want on it? Shut up?!! Liz is now at the front of her line, boiling mad. LIZ Yeah, I want all the hot dogs (to, everyone) I’m buying all the hot dogs.Liz pulls out all her cash. The cell phone guy rolls his eyes. ALL What?! Come on, lady. Boo! Etc... LIZ It’s for the good of everyone EXT. 6TH AVENUE. - MOMENTS LATER A smiling Liz passes out hot dogs to TWO BUSINESS WOMEN. After she passes, they throw them away, suspicious. She gives them to the FALUN GONG PROTESTORS curled up on the pavement. She places one in the arms of a sleeping HOMELESS MAN, he wakes suddenly and lunges at her. She runs into... INT. 30 ROCKEFELLER PLAZA LOBBY She gives one to the security guard who eats it. she gets on the elevator and is giving them to people as the doors close. INT. 9TH FLOOOR ELEVATOR BANK. Liz gets off the elevator where KENNETH a bright and chirpy NEC page is giving a tour, He stands next to a life-size standee for “The Jenna DeCarlo show” featuring impish comedian Jenna DeCarlo. KENNETH And this is the set of "The Jenna Decarlo show." It’s a real funny ladies’ comedy show for ladies. TOURIST When's it on? KENNETH Friday nights at 10:30, sir, But seriously, it’s just for ladies. Candy qui! can anybody name other shows that only ladies like? TOURIST Desperate Housewives? KENNETH Yes. Kenneth throws the guy a piece of candy. TOURIST 2 “sex in The City?"KENNETH No. (throws candy) I’m sorry, it’s Sex and the City. I cannot’ accept that. Kenneth does not throw the guy candy. Liz enters carrying the remaining hot dogs. KENNETH (CONT'D) Hey, everybody, here's someone ‘ou'd never get to he head-writer of DeCarlo Show", Liz Lemon. Kenneth claps. The group stares blankly. Liz waves. LIZ Bi. Beat. A fat kid in the front burps. Liz rounds the corner and runs into PETE HORNBERGER, 43, her friend and producer. PETE What's up? Have you looked at that “Cat Lady” sketch? Cause it’s still seven minutes long. LIZ Yikes, okay. Hey, you gotta tell that BC page to take it down a notch. PETE who Kenneth? LIZ He just embarrassed me in front of a whole tour group. PETE. I'll talk to him. {looking in box) at's this? LIZ You know how TI get really mad when people cheat or break rules? PETE sure. LIZ And how I like to punish strangers and inanimate objects that I think have wronged me. PETE Yes, ma’am.LIZ Well, I just spent four hundred bucks on’wieners. PETE Good work. INT. WRITERS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS At a large conference table, TOOFER, 25, an African-American Harvard guy writer and FRANK, 27, réad the papers. In the corner, CERIE, a gorgeous 22 year old assistant answers the phone. ‘oofer and Prank stare at her. CERIE “Phe Jenna DeCarlo Show". Okay, hold on, I'll connect you. She somehow looks sexy transferring calls. Next call. CERIE (CONT'D) “The Jenna DeCarlo Show". Our fax number? Cerie kneels backwards on her chair to look at the fax machine, a lower back tattoo is revealed. Toofer gives Frank $5 (clearly, they had a bet.) Toofer complains to Liz. TOOFER Chumley, the beverage situation around here is reprehensible. LIZ Good morning. TOOFER I mean, surely our massive Congloinerate parent company could spring for a samovar of coffee. FRANK or, like, a big coffee dispenser. TOOFER That's what a samovar is. FRANK Are there other black nerds or is it just you and Urkel? LIZ cerie, you wanna call and get some coffee? CERIE No, thank you. Frank looks at the box of 50 wieners.JOSH, 23, Josh does FRANK can I have one of these or is this your lunch? enters. He is an adorable young cast member. JOSH Hey, who does this sound like? a good imitation of Christopher Walken. JOSH (CONT’D) (ag Walken) TilL give you a hint. | this, person is a famous actor but his rhythms. Are somewhat weird. TOOFER Sir Edmund Kean. gosH. (as Walken) No. FRANK Ron Jeremy? JOSH (as Walken) Guess... again. LIZ Christopher... Kristofferson. JosH No, it was supposed to be your mom. FRANK No. My mom's voice is way lower. INT. 9TH FLOOR ELEVATOR BANK HALL -SAME TIME Pete gently reprimanding Kenneth the page. PETE and you probably don't need to introdace the writers to the tour group. KENNETH agree. I thought they would find it interesting, but they really did not. PETE Yeah, Kenneth, if you pass a staff membér or a celebrity with the tour group, it’s best to respect their privacy.KENNETH I don't know. Conan O'Brien gets real mad if i don't make a big fuss over him. PETE Okay, well, other than Conan, just act Like you don’t even see them. KENNETS I promise I'll get it right, Mr. Hornberger. PETE I'm sure you will. KENNETH (tearing, up) I just love television so much. PETE We all do. INT. WRITER'S ROOM. - A LITTLE LATER Liz and Toofer work. Frank and Josh are sitting around. PRANK, can you do Seinfeld? gosH Aagh. What’s the deal? Aagh? CERIE Liz, they want you and Pete on the 50th floor. LIZ Who, Gary? Tell them we’ll be up in half an hour. CERIE No, they said now. FRANK If they have cookies up there, take some. TOOFER And get him to pay for my Samovar. FRANK can you do Ray Romano? JOSH Aaagh. Aaagh. Debra.INT. EXECUTIVE FLOOR ELEVATOR BANK - MOMENTS LATER Liz and Pete get off the elevator. Liz is on her cell. LIZ Yes, Frank. The cookies that look liké leaves. But not the pink ones. Got it. Liz hangs up and puts her phone in her pocket. LIZ Why are all the men in my life girls? PETE cause you like it that way. LIZ You're right, I do like it that way. INT. EXECUTIVE OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS The whole place is under noisy renovation. Workmen. everywhere. Pete and Liz step in to see JACK DONAGHY, 45, handsome and impeccably dressed, kick his way into the room through a partially ripped out wall. LIZ Where's Gary? JACK Gary's dead. I'm Jack Donaghy. New V.P. of development for NBC/GE/Oniversal/Vivendi/Kmart. PETE We own Kmart now? JACK No, we don't. So why are you dréssed like we do? Pete and Liz look at their overly casual work clothes. INT. JACK'S OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER Pete and Liz sit gingerly on the edge of the couch. Workmen work behind them.” Jack sits at his desk which has a lot of exposed wires hanging over it. Nearby we see the legs of a workman on a ladder. PETE I'm surprised you're renovating. This is such a nice office.JACK It’s a great office, But sometimes you have to change things that are perfectly good just to make them your own. Pete and Liz look a little worried. Jack's nerdy male assistant JONATHAN appears and hands Jack a note written on a post-it. SACK (CONT'D) I'll call her back, Is she at the White House number? Jonathan nods. He hands him another post-it. JACK (CONT'D) Tell them I need a 4 a.m. tee time. He hands him another post-it. JACK (CONT'D) About five inches, but it's thick. Pete and Liz look at each other. As he exits, Jonathan gets a little shock to the head from a dangling wite and flinches slightly. Jack turns his attention to Pete and Liz. JACK (CONT'D) Are you familiar with the award- winning GE Tri-vection oven? LIZ I don't cook very much. JACK Sure. I got you. New York third wave feminist. College-educated. Single and pretending to be happy about it. Over-scheduled, under— sexed, You buy any magazine that saya "healthy body image” on the cover, but your kitchen's got nothing but Ssnackwells and expired yogurts. You reject traditional female roles, but every two years you take up knitting for a week. PETE (impressed) That's dead on: LIZ Are you gonna guess my weight now? JACK You don’t want me to do that.PETE That knitting thing is just. uncanny. How do you do that? JACK Market research, my friend. Years and years of market research... that’ lead to my greatest triumph, the Tri-vection oven. PETE My wife wants one of those. The assistant reappears. Another post-it to read. JACK (to Jonathan) Get Pete an oven. PETE (pleased) Hey! JACK The Trivection oven cooks perfect food five times faster than a conventional oven, because it uses three kinds of heat: thermal technology, for consistent temperature; GE Precise Air™ convection technology, for optimal air circulation; and microwave technology, for’ unbelievable speed. th thrée’kinds of heat, you can cook a turkey in 22 minutes. PETE Wow. That's impressive. JACK The people upstairs agree. that’s why they promoted me. That’s why I’m here to re-tool your show. LIZ Re-tool what now? JACK I'm the new Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming. LIZ That sounds like you program microwave ovens. JACK I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.lo. Liz is offended. Some sparks literally fly, from the construction behind her. INT. 8TH FLOOR BACKSTAGE HALLWAY - SAME TIME Kenneth is giving another tour. KENNETH Rockefeller Center was built sometime in the 1930’s by--anyone? TOURIST The Rockefellers? Kenneth throws the a piece of candy. He has stopped the Targe tour group outside Jenna’s dressing room. KENNETH Now, these are the dressing rooms for’ “The Jenna DeCarlo Show.” Jenna has the best dressing room cause she’s the star! It has a couch, a microwave, and this private bathroom, ‘to be used by no one but er. Loud embarrassing toilet sounds emanate from within. KENNETH (CONT'D) ops! (chuckles nervously) Stars, they're just like us! JENNA DECARLO comes out of her dressing room and is surprised by the crowd. KENNETH Okay, no one look at her. Do not look! Some of the tour group recognize her and snap photos. Mortified, Jenna can't help but blurt out her thoughts. JENNA Hi, let me explain. I tried a new tapas restaurant in my neighborhood Jast night and it turned out to be ‘ind of grim-- The crowd nod politely. JENNA But I don't want people to think I'm not friendly or I’m bulimic or something. I'm just nauseous and 1 have stomach’ issies Jenna exits around a corner. Beat.qi. KENNETH How about that? Jenna DeCarlo, every-- Jenna comes back around. JENNA (CONT'D) Forget I said “stomach issues." That’s gross. Please don’t put this story on the internet, okay? Now you're gonna put on the internet that I was begging you not to put it on the internet, aren‘t you? A few people in the group nod. JENNA okay. Bye. She exits. She has toilet paper stuck to her shoe. INT. JACK’S OFFICE - SAME TIME Pete grins obsequiously. Liz looks at Pete, frustrated. JACK LIZ I've done several focus groups on your show and what Well, we’ve only been on the I’ve gleaned-- air 5 weeks. Jack quotes from a report on the coffee table. He hands Liz and Pete copies. JACK The “short, big-eyed girl” is popular with women and “older gays.” LIZ Jenna. That’s my friend Jenna. JACK And the kid with the funny hair is liked by women, but you’re not appealing to men. LIZ Tell me something I don’t know. JACK You're missing that third kind of heat. LIZ There's the kind of heat that rises from dog poop. Maybe we could--12. JACK Think about Lawrence Jordan. PETE The black guy? JACK The black movie star, I flew with him recently on a private jet to the Super Bowl and he was very entertaining. LIZ Isn't he, um... crazy’ JACK Lawrence has had his problems in the last few years. cur T0: EXT. CALIFORNIA FREEWAY - DAY African-American, comedy, star LAYRENCE JORDAN, 35, runs down through traffic in nothing but tighty whities. LAWRENCE I ama jedi! I ama jedi! CUT BACK TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE. JACK But it's important to remember that he was never charged with any crime. It's not illegal to fall asleep on your neighbor's roof. PETE Nor should it be. JACK Lawrence Jordan is the "third heat." PETE I don’t know where we find room in the budget for a guy Like Lawrence Jordan. JACK I do. Thig hangs in the air. Liz clears a place to lay down on the13. JACK (CONT'D) What are you doing? LIZ Sometimes when I have these stress dreams, if I go to sleep in the dream, 'I come out of it. The Assistant hands her a post-it. LIZ (CONT'D) (reads) “This is not a dream." JACK Lawrence Jordan is in New York foday. Liz) I'd like you to have lunch with him. LIZ We have a show tonight, Mr. Donaghy, I don’t know if your research covered this but we do a dress rehearsal, then a live show-- JACK At 10:30. “This is lunch. Tf it’s not a good fit, I/11 drop the whole thing. LIZ If I meet with Lawrence Jordan and we mutually agree that this is the worst idea ever, you'll back off? JACK I’m known for being reasonable. Pete looks at her and nods, like, “Do it.” JACK 2 PM at The Sea Grill. LIZ I’m not dressed for that. JACK You're dressed for Burger King. Should I change it to Burger King? Liz takes the hit. She and Pete start to leave. JACK Pete, hang back for me. PETE (hiding his fear) You got it.1a. Pete lingers. As Liz exits, a chunk of drywall falls on her head. INT. ELEVATOR BANK Liz gets off the elevator holding an ice pack to her head. She tosses the focus group report in the trash. a. (not a lot of weight is put on and it falls to the groun this] INT. WARDROBE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Great big teeth. JENNA Hey. What happened to your head? LIZ The sky is falling (referring to costume) Ann Coulter? JENNA Hilary Duff. LIZ The teeth are too small. (to ‘the wardrobe guy can I borrow a pair of dress pants or a skirt or something? She misses enters. Jenna is wearing a miniskirt, blonde wig and The WARDROBE GUY looks incredibly annoyed, then goes to get her some clothes. Liz puts some make-up on. JENNA Hey, I got that apartment. LIZ The two-bedroom on Jane Street? JENNA Yeah, I had to, put down a sick deposit cause it’s a co-op. I’m in crazy debt now, but I’m kind of peyched, “1 jugt feel like, 1’ iving in New York and T have my own tv show. Dreams do come true. Liz tries to look happy. JENNA Who's that? Liz looks out and sees Jack in the hall. she’s annoyed that he’s come down to the studio. LIZ He’s a network dude.1s. JENNA Emm, Not too shabs. He reminds me of Scotty from General Hospital. LIZ (horrified) No, Jenna, ew, do not like that man. He's a bad man. God, you have a gift. Jenna giggles. The wardrobe guy hands Liz a fussy Chanel style, suit, like something a rich Japanese lady would wear. Off Liz's reaction... INT. 30 ROCKEFELLER PLAZA LOBBY - SAME TIME Kenneth is answering questions from another tour group. KENNETH Yes, Katie Couric is real tiny in person. (stage whisper) But her boobs are a lot bigger than you would think. Pete sneaks past the tour carrying a box of his stuff. He gets on the elevator. As his elevator closes, another opens and out steps LAWRENCE JORDAN, 30, with a smail entourage, locking totally kickass. Kennéth Sees Lawrence [a big movie star!] and, panicking, diverts the group's attention. KENNETH (CONT’D) Now, if y'all look over here, you'll see a water fountain! Lawrence stops behind the group and waits for Kenneth to acknowledge him. Kenneth starts to sweat. KENNETH (CONT'D) Does anyone have any questions about it? Lawrence gives his posse a look like, “What the hell? why isn't this guy acknowledging me LAWRENCE, Yes, I have a question. big smile How do you feel, NBC Tour? Cause ou look like you came to get your reeeeeeak oococon! KENNETH (timialy) Lawrence Jordan, everybody. The group applauds excitedly. Cameras flash Lawrence goes over to the tour and greets a PREGNANT LADY.16. LAWRENCE, You're beautiful, little Mama. You're doing God's work. He talks in a “honky” voice to a MIDDLE AGED WHITE GUY. LAWRENCE (CONT’D) Don't I know you from the insurance meeting? We've got to sign those papers, Reginald. The guy laughs. Lawrence goes to a skinny, sullen, WHITE TEEN. He puts his arm around the kid very’ sincerely. LAWRENCE, (CONT'D) Listen. I know being your age is hard. “But don't you "put on the trench coat." You hear me? You have a problem, you call me. Don't put on that trench coat. The kid nods. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) (to. everyone) Live. Life. Love. Laugh! The group applauds. There is such a thing as "star quality." INT. STAGE AREA - SAME TIME Liz, wearing the fussy suit, hurries past Josh and Frank. LIZ Tell Pete I won't be more than an hour. Call my cell if you need me. Jos (as she passes) Liz, in Cat Lady, can I use my Mr. Wang voice? LIZ No. Liz sees Jack down the hall and rushes toward him, annoyed. Frank tries to talk to Cerie. Kenneth hovers near Fran! FRANK Are you into speed metal at all? CERIE You mean, like, cars?ay. FRANK feo Kenneth) What? KENNETH I am aware of a rumor. Liz comes up on Jack talking to the ANIMAL WRANGLERS who have cages full of house cats for the Cat Lady sketch. JACK Now are these ordinary cats or "show cats?” Liz rushes over and pulls Jack into a side hall. LIZ. at are you doing down here? JACK I’m known for being hands on. LIZ No. I don’t want my staff to see you, They’ll panic. The panickers. When they test the fire @lams, that quy puts on his “go- bag” and stands in the stairwell. She points to Toofer at the craft services table. He smells a cookie then throws it out. JACK I thought I'd introduce myself to everyone. LIZ, No! Listen, T agreed to meet with Lawrence Jordan and keep an open mind. So you gotta promise me pomething. I don’t want Jenna to hear anything about any of this. Got it? JACK (looking at her suit) That’s how you should dress for work, by the way. LIZ. What?! Yeah, if you're the president of the Philippines. INT. THE SEA GRILL - AFTERNOON Lawrence and his posse sit around a table for eight. They stand out in a sea of business people. Liz approachés as Lawrence talks to the waiter.1s. LAWRENCE, Do you have apple juice? WAITER No, sir. LAWRENCE Then let me have a vodka tonic. The waiter exite. Liz enters. She crosses the restaurant full of dread. LIZ Hi, I’m Liz Lemon. LAWRENCE I know who you are. They shake hands. She site. Liz looks around at Lawrence and hig buddies in their jeans, ‘sports jerseys and sneakers. he addresses the GIANT FRIEND’ next to her. LIZ I thought there was a strict dress code at this joint. He says nothing. Another WAITER passes. Lawrence stops him. LAWRENCE, My friend, you used to have steak tartar on’ this menu WAITER Yes, I apologize. We don’t serve that anymore. But T would recommend thé pumpkin ravioli. They’re very subtle. The waiter exits. Lawrence is stewing in his disappointment. LIZ So, Lawrence. This Jack Donaghy guy wanted me to talk to you about joining the cast of "The Jenna DeCarlo Show"=— LAWRENCE, Unh-unh. I can’t do this. All his guys immediately stand to leave. LIZ okay, then. That's settled-- LAWRENCE, I can’t eat here, I gotta go Someplace where they have food T like. Let’s go, Lemon. He walks out. Liz follows, bewildered.19. IN! EXT. LAWRENCE ’S RED BUMMER (MUSIC: HIP-HOP RADIO UNDER) Lawrence drives, Liz sits in the passenger seat. His guys are in back playing x-box. LIZ This is a_great car. What does it run on? Jet fuel? smaller cars? LAWRENCE It rune on fame juice. LIZ Wonderful. So, Lawrence, we should talk about the’ show. LAWRENCE, I’m only gonna do it, if I can do it my Way, you know what I’m saying? { want this show to be raw, HBO style content. LIZ, This isn’t HBO, it’s TV. LAWRENCE I wanna drop truth bombs. Do you know how pissed off T was when Us Weekly said I was on crack? That’s racist. I’m straight up mentally ill. LIZ sure. LAWRENCE, I have mental health issues. LIZ So_you took a nap on Ted Danson’s roof. Who hasn’t? Lawrence cackles. He likes this lady so far. cur To: INT. 8TH FLOOR BACKSTAGE HALLWAY Toofer is complaining to anyone that will listen. (In a monitor behind him is the rehearsal of some prostitute sketch with Jenna dressed like an old-timey hooker.) ‘TOOFER I will not work with Lawrence Jordan.20. FRANK It's just a rumor. TOOFER I worked with him at the MTV awards two years ago, where he found it endlessly amusing to show me his johnson. FRANK How was it? TOOFER Considerable. Have you seen any of his movies? “The guy's sensibility is just cretinous. CERIE I, saw the one where he plays, like, five different characters. JOSH "Black Cop/White Cop" CERIE No. gost "Who Dat ninja?" CERIE No, he was... He had to pretend to be’an old iady-- TOOFER EfELeYEE one points.” “¥* te Off their thinking... cur T0: EXT. DOORWAY A HOUSE. - DAY A clip from one of Lawrence Jordan's movies. He is dressed as a big fat white grandma a la Mre. Doubtfire. Unseen parties are throwing pies at him. LAWRENCE, Oh, gracious goodness! You hooligans better watch out! A pie hits him. He suddenly sounds masculine and black. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) Cause this honky grandma be Exippin CUT BACK TO:21. INT. STUDIO HALLWAY CERTE/JOSH (relieved to remember) “Honky Grandma Be Trippin’ ." FRANK That movie was hilarious. Toofer glares at him. Jenna walks up. JENNA What movie? JOSH Nothing. . .movie. EXT. A HARLEM CHICKEN AND WAFFLES RESTAURANT ~ AFTERNOON Lawrence is getting a hero’s welcome. ALL Lawrence Jordan's here! I love you, IJ! Hey, Who Dat Ninja, Lawrence?! Lawrence hugs and kisses the female employees. Lawrence, Liz are seated. His dudes sit at another table. LAWRENCE Bring us_two half chickens and some pecan waffles. LIZ I really shouldn’t. I had, Like, four hot dogs this morning-— cur To: FIVE MINUTES LATER. Liz is chowing down. LIZ (CONT’D) oh my God, this food is awesome. LAWRENCE Yes, eat. I hate skinny women. That’s why I had to leave L.A. Have you ever seen my wife? LIZ Yes, actually. Pretty, pretty, lady.22. LAWRENCE, Me and Angie been together 17 years, never once did she ask me, Do I’ look fat?" or stupid stuff like that. We were in L.A. two months and she started talking about getting her neck lipo-sucked. LIZ She doesn't need that. LAWRENCE, That's what I told her. I said save that money for when your titties iroop. Lawrence motions for another beer. LAWRENCE Four more beers. Liz looks worried. INT. STUDIO PAGE DESK Kenneth mans the desk. Toofer is on the phone. TOOFER Liz, it’s almost five. Where are you? Josh wants to do a Chinese accent. in the Cat Lady sketch, 1 told him that he is the “straight wan” in that pairing, but he’s being profoundly recalcitrant. Pete’s gone missing— Jenna comes out of the studio into the hall, she is complaining about the low-cut prostitute outfit to the wardrobe guy. Jack stands nearby, observing. JENNA (to Jack) Excuse me. Do you think this top is distracting? JACK Yes. JENNA (flirtatious) Thank you. I’m Jenna, by the way. Kenneth waves a small pharmacy bag at Jenna. KENNETH Qoh! Ms. DeCarlo, I got your diarrhea medicine.23. JENNA (mortified) Thank you, Kenneth. She takes the bag. Jack slips away. KENNETH And you owe me $1.10. Apparently the extra strength is more expensive. Also, Ms. DeCarlo, is this yours? It'has your namé on it. He hands her the focus group report that Liz threw near the trash. Jenna looks at it, curious. INT. RESTAURANT - HALF HOUR LATER Liz is trying to sour Lawrence on joining the show. Lig I don’t think you'd like it. you'd have to work a lot of hours: And it’s a live show, which is risky-- LAWRENCE, Yeah, yeah, I like risky. Cause ou and me, we play the game, We now how to be acceptable. “Hello, good meeting, I drink coffee, please.” But this show is our Chance to break the shackles! Cause the white dudes want us to fail. LIZ. What white dudes? LAWRENCE, All of them. Jack Donaghy, General Electric, Ted Danson, George Bush, Karl Robe. LIZ Karl Robe, you say. LAWRENCE, Affirmative Action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other. To distract us while the white man injects AIDS in our chicken nuggets. ‘That’s a metaphor. LIZ Sure. Have you shared these views with us Weekly? Cause I think it would help them-24. Lawrence stands suddenly and sings to the people on the restaurant. LAWRENCE OUR DAY WILL COME, AND WE'LL HAVE EVERYTHING! INT. STAGE AREA - SAME TIME Jenna, Josh, and Frank are gathered. Jenna and Josh read from the focus group memo. STAGE MANAGER (V.0.) 12 minutes to dress rehearsal. Twelve minutes to dress rehearsal. JOSH What “weird” hair? Do I have weird hair? FRANK only extremely. JENNA “the short big-eyed woman is popular with older gays.” oh m God, that’s my suicide note. That should be my suicide note. Toofer blows by. TOOFER Has anyone seen Pete or Liz? I mean, who is in charge in their absence? FRANK Not you. Jack emerges from a shadow. JACK I’m in charge. Josh, Toofer, and Frank are stunned. Jenna looks kind of turnéd on. EXT. STREET - DUSK Liz and Lawrence are getting back in the car. (His dudes are already in the car playing k-box.) LAWRENCE Lemon, you like karaoke? I know a joint+~25. LIZ No, I gotta wrap up this lunch meéting. We see the street, sign behind them, 142rd and Lenox ave. | Lic steps into the street to look for 4 cab. Lawrence laughs. LAWRENCE, I/ll take you. I'll take you. 1 just gotta make one stop first. INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT Liz and Lawrence at a VIP table drinking pifia coladas. LIZ When people say they have to make a quick’ stop, they usually mean at the store or the bank. LAWRENCE These are the best pifia coladas in The Bronx. LIZ, Yeah-- we’re in The Bronx now?! A dancer rubs up on Liz. LIZ (CONT'D) No, thank you! She puts a twenty in the girl’s bikini. LIZ (CONT’D) This is for computer classes. LAWRENCE You know why I should do this tv show? LIZ I veally don’t. LAWRENCE, To get you rich. Cause if you get me on there, it’s gonna blow up. LIZ How do you know I’m not rich? LAWRENCE Your teeth, You gotta think like these strippers, Lemon. These girls know the window of opportunity is only open for a short time. Get in while you're young, get the dollars, get out.26. LIZ Yeah, but I'm not a sex worker, Lawrence. I don't have sex for a living. The STRIPPER performing Lawrence’s lap dance is offended. STRIPPER Neither do wel LAWRENCE Neither do they! He winks at Liz and mouths the words “Yeah, they do.” Liz stands. LAWRENCE (CONT’D) ere you going? EXT. STRIP CLUB - CONTINUOUS Liz is in the street, looking for a cab. She rummages in her purse for her cell phone. LIZ (CONT’D) Ugh! Where is my phone Liz gasps. She realizes where her phone is. cur T0: INT. WARDROBE ROOM The blinking light of Liz’s phone in her army pants pocket, on the floor. CUT BACK TO: EXT. STREET - NIGHT LIZ (CONT’D) No! No! No! She collects herself and heads back into the strip club. INT. CLUB - CONTINUOUS Lawrence is now on stage doing karaoke, flanked by strippers.27. LAWRENCE, WE ARE YOUNG! HEARTACHE TO HEARTACHE, WE STAND! Lig, goes back to the table, takes out an incredibly bejeweled cell phone out of Lawrence's jacket pocket and dials. INT. 8TH FLOOR BACKSTAGE HALLWAY - SAME TIME Kenneth answers the phone. The hustle and bustle of a live show fills the background. The strip club is loud on Liz's end. KENNETH “The Jenna DeCarlo Show." LIZ Kenneth, it’s Liz. I need you to send me’a car. KENNETH It’s so weird that you're not here. We're in the middle of dress rehearsal and, if you ask me, Jenna lost them with that Hilary Duff impression- LIZ Kenneth. Send me a car, okay. KENNETH What is your location? LIZ I’m at-- (reads off table topper) “sin City” in The Bronx. KENNETH Ooh. The Bronx? There’s gonna be a wait. LIZ Let me talk to Pete. KENNETH Pete got fired this morning. That’S so weird that you don’t know that. L: is shocked. INT. STRIP CLUB/INT. STUDIO Montage: the strip club and the studio. STRIP CLUB: Liz standing in the street looking for her car.28. STUDIO: Josh has cornered Jack. gosH (Chinese accent) This character called Mr. wang. JACK That’s wonderful. Of course you should do that. STRIP CLUB: Liz uses Lawrence’s phone to call Pete. His outgoing message... PETE (V.0.) Hello. This is Pete. I'm not answering my phone right_now because I got’ fired and I’m very drunk, If this is Lis, don’t quit over this, okay? Don’t buy all the hot dogs, please. Cause then you just end’ up broke with a bunch of. aweaty old hot dogs. The voice mail beeps. Liz leaves this message... LIZ okay. STUDIO: In wardrobe, Jenna ig being refitted into the hooker costume. She has néurotically cornered Jack to go over her script with her. JENNA Liz wanted me to cut that line. JACK Then cut it. JENNA I just think it sets up my character. JACK Then keep it. ENYA But it is kind of forced. JACK Then cut it. JENNA, But Lee thinks it’s funny, don’t you, Lee? The wardrobe guy nods. JACK Then keep it.29. JENNA But is it bad to start with such a dirty joke? JACK Then cut it. Jenna starts crying. Jack is horrified. STRIP CLUB: Liz sits in the corner with a stripper and does the New York Post Sodoku while Lawrence has a push-ups contest with one of the dancers. STRIPPER That can’t be a six cause there's a six up here. STUDIO: Jack accidentally walks in front of the tv camera. Someone alerts him and he quickly moves... in front of another camera right as they cut to it. STRIP CLUB: Liz finally gives in to the whole thing and dances with some strippers to “Bombs Over Baghdad.” STUDIO: Toofer and the Cat Wrangler frantically find Jack. JACK Is Liz back yet? TOOFER No. How many cats do you want? JACK, I wanna say. ..50? STRIP CLUB: Heartsick, Liz watches the "The Jenna DeCarlo Show" CREDIT SEQUENCE’ start on the tv above the bar. She shakes hands with Lawrence’s posse as they leave. I/E. LAWRENCE’S HUMMER - NIGHT Liz is driving slowly down an empty street in the Bronx. all of a sudden, Lawrence says... LAWRENCE Pull over! Pull over! I gotta show you something. She pulls over abruptly. Lawrence jumps out and Liz follows. He points up to the third floor of a grim looking building. LAWRENCE That’s where I grew up. LIZ That’s the Jordan family estate?30. LAWRENCE, There’s no Jordan family nothing. That’s where I was in foster care. Me and two other dudes and a girl with messed up fingers. LIZ oh, sorry. LAWRENCE I stayed there for four years and my foster mother used to. feed us nothing but canned ravioli. LISA Ooh, I used to eat those in my dorm. I love those. LAWRENCE I don’t. I ate that mess cold every day for four years and 1 swore to God if I ever got rich, I would never eat food I didn’t like again. Ever. LIZ Aaah. I didn’t know that, Lawrence...that’s... There is a sound of running water off camera. LIZ Are you pissing? EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER. - NIGHT The Hummer pulls up to the studio entrance. They jump out. LIZ I can still make the last ten minutes. She runs in. Lawrence follows. INT. STUDIO The studio is dark except for the lights on the “Cat Lady” set. Jenna is dressed like an eccentric old lady. Josh, who should have been the straight man, is doing a Chinese accent. Lawrence and Liz walk onto the dark studio floor near Frank and Toofer, Toofer watches, appalled. Frank is laughing at how bad it’s going. JosH (Chinese accent) Miss Lady, you cannot bring dose cats in restaurant!31. JENNA (flat Chicago accent) Sir, ‘let me introduce myself. I’m Lurieen Katz and these are my cat: And where this old gray pussy goes, so do my cats. No laughs. A cough. LIZ (under ‘her breath) Ugh, I told her to cut that. Jack is on all fours at the edge of the set herding the live cats back onto it. Liz notices there are cats everywhere. LIZ Go out there. LAWRENCE, For real? LIZ Save them. LAWRENCE What do you want me to do? LIZ Just be famous. Lawrence enters the sketch. LAWRENCE, Excuse me, who is the manager? Huge recognition applause. what an exciting surprise cameo! LAWRENCE I’m here from the government. I need to inspect your chicken nuggets. Big laugh. Lawrence looks at Jenna in the old lady get up. LAWRENCE Uh-oh, look at shorty. This honky grandma be trippin.’ The audience go crazy for his catch phrase. Lawrence addresses the audience. LAWRENCE, What’s up, America?! I'm coming into your’ house. Lawrence removes his shirt. The audience are bewildered, but laughing. He’s killing.32. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) I'm coming into your house, America! Let me hear you say, we love you, Lawrence! AUDIENCE We love you, Lawrence! Lawrence grabs the camera and talke into the lens like Bono. LAWRENCE, I'm the third heat! I'm the third heat! “Let me hear you say, “Come into our homes!” Jack is now next to her, holding a cat like a Bond villain. JACK Come into our homes! (to Liz) He’s brilliant. Liz pulls Jack into the hall. She’s wearing the suit skirt and a Sin City T-shirt. Jack is rumpled. LIZ How dare you fire Pete? JACK How dare you disappear all night? LIZ Not so fun being “hands-on” with these bloodsuckers, is it? JACK We'll discuss it Monday. Jack starts to walk away. LIZ I want Pete back. I want it in writing that Jenna's job is safe. And I want a cappuccino machine for the writers’ room. JACK Fine. I expected you to quit. LIZ Yeah, well.’ You don’t know everything about me. JACK You weigh 127 pounds. Liz whips a water bottle at him. He’s right. He exits. cur To:33. INT. STUDIO HOMEBASE - GOODNIGHTS JENNA That’s all we got! Good night! Lawrence, Jenna, Josh, wave as the show theme plays. Lawrence’ turns to Jenha. LAWRENCE I can't wait to do this every week. Jenna stares in wide-eyed panic. Lawrence looks at the "The Jenna DeCarlo Show" sign on the set. LAWRENCE We're gonna need a new sign. EXT. 6TH AVE - A FEW MINUTES LATER Jenna, in the baby costume, running through traffic [much like Lawrence Jordan], out’of her mind. JENNA I ama jedi! I ama jedi! cur T0: INT. HALLWAY - AFTER THE SHOW Kenneth is leaving for the night. He passes Conan O’Brien. KENNETH Hi, Mr. O’Brien. Conan mocks him viciously with a hillbilly accent. CONAN 0/BRIEN “Hi, Mr. O’Brien.” You stupid hilibiliy. Where ya headed? Off to the old moonshine shack to make out with your mother? KENNETH No, sir. CONAN, O’BRIEN Here’s five dollars. Tell your tours I was People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, 1991. KENNETH Yes, sir. Conan slams Kenneth into a vending machine and leaves.