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Reflective Listening:
A Practice in Transforming Conflict
An enemy is someone whose story you have not heard. -- GeneKnudsen Hoffman
When engaging in important conversations or
navigating conflict, one of your greatest tools can
be the ability to listen fully to all those involved.
Often rather than fully listening, our attention is
divided. We may be half listening to the speaker
while at the same time trying to craft a rebuttal to
what they are saying. We may also be distracted
by the inner self-talk the running narrative
in your head that comments on and judges everything. This half listening and jumping to rapid
conclusions and assumptions can lead to fierce
debates, escalating emotions and tensions in the
conversation, or just plain misunderstanding.
Observe some of the conversations going on
around you and you often see people talking past
one another or reacting to what they thought the
person said rather than what the person actually
said. You might also see more passive, one-sided conversations where the listener may actually
be paying attention, but rather than actively engaging in the conversation, they simply assume
that theyve understood correctly and completely.
There are, however, other kinds of conversations,
those in which the speaker feels really heard and
understood. In those conversations there is a
high quality of listening reflective listening.
When using reflective listening you need to momentarily pause before reacting to what youve
heard; and in that newly created space, inquire
more deeply and seek to fully understand what
has actually been said. This creates the possibility
of transforming the situation improving mutual
understanding and inviting everyone to engage
as colleagues rather than as adversaries.
2. Demonstrate
an Objective
Perspective
Involved
3. Listen with an
4. Paraphrase
5. Explore the
Empathetic Mind,
Facts/Data,
Others Story
6. Speak with
Thoughtfulness
as well as a
Emotions, and
through Thought-
Strategic Mind
Values
ful Questioning
Keep your opinions, stories, or interpretations off the table in order to simply listen.
When you listen, your own perspectives, experiences, emotions, and even judgments often
cloud your understanding of what the speaker
has said. To top it off, you dont always have the
full context for the information youre receiving.
Therefore, its quite easy for misunderstandings
or assumptions to leave you with a false sense
of the speakers intended message. Paraphrasing not only helps to confirm and clarify what the
speaker is saying, it also demonstrates respect,
and shows the speaker that you are listening and
trying to understand. Use the following tips to
enhance your listening and understanding:
Summarize the facts and data to verify that
you have not misunderstood any of the
speakers main points;
If you sense that the speaker is expressing a
particular emotion, reflect what you are noticing and check to see if that is actually what
they are feeling - dont assume you know
what they are feeling;
Articulate the values that surfaced in the
speakers message; and
To further clarify, encourage the speaker to
expand on the information youve restated.
Things to Remember:
Listen intently until the speaker has finished.
Listen and respond with genuine sincerity.
Offer verbal and non-verbal cues that reflect
youre listening.
Understand the others culture enough to be
appropriate and respectful.
Be authentic.
Listen without judgment.
Remember that this conversation is about
the speakers story; not yours.
Allow the speaker space to solve his or her
own problem.
2Adapted from The Fourth Precept: Deep Listening and Loving Speech, by Thich
Nhat Hanh. Retrieved 11 August 2010. <http://dharma.ncf.ca/introduction/precepts/precept-4.html>
Recommended Readings
1. Compassionate Listening: An Exploratory Sourcebook about Conflict Transformation, by
Gene Knudsen Hoffman, Cynthia Monroe, and Leah Green, with editing by Dennis Rivers.
http://www.newconversation.net/listening; January 2008 Edition.
2. Listening With the Heart, a Guide to Compassionate Listening, by Carol Howshinsky,
Compassionate Listening Project, P.O. Box 17, Indianola, WA 98432. http://www.mideastdiplomacy.org.
3. Compassionate Listening: Healing Our World from the Inside Out, The Compassionate
Listening Project, P.O. Box 17 Indianola, WA 98342. http://www.compassionatelistening.
org.
4. Tools for Transformation, A Personal Study, by Adam Curle., Hawthorne Press, United
Kingdom, 1990.
5. Being Peace, by Thich Nhat Hanh, Paralax Press, P.O. Box 7455, Berkeley, CA 94707,
1987.