The Whole Nine Hours

By
Javier Torregrosa
With Contributions by Nicolas Torregrosa

Based on a Story by
Justin Roiland & Dan Harmon

February 2016 (c)

jayrex@hotmail.com

INT. SMITHS GARAGE - DAY

MORTY walks in, slightly startles RICK.
Rick sets down a soldering iron.
MORTY
Hey Rick, what you up to?
Rick watches a 3D monitor of another RICK2 in the garage.
RICK
(Whispers)
Shhh Morty, come here.
MORTY
Not again Rick.
other Ricks?

Are you spying on

RICK
Morty, would I do such a thing?
MORTY
Yeah.
RICK
Stop asking stupid questions and
stand next to me.
Rick grabs his portal gun, waits, then sees RICK2 walk
outside the garage.
Rick uses his PORTAL GUN, opens a portal into Rick2s
garage, then uses his hand to retrieve a gadget from Rick2s
worktop.
The portal closes.
Rick punches Mortys shoulder, then holds Morty close to
him.
MORTY
Ah!
RICK
(Whispers)
Shhh.
Rick looks at another monitor, that displays life signs.
Only Mortys life signal displays, masking Ricks life.
At the same time, Rick2 looks at his monitor, flicks a
switch, changing channels.

2.

A relieved Rick sets the gadget on the worktop.

MORTY
Why are you stealing from other
Ricks?
Rick attaches the stolen gadget to a DEVICE already on his
worktop.
RICK
You cant steal from yourself
Morty, its working smart,
borrowing.
Rick picks up the enlarged device, points to his half.
RICK
I made this half, he made the other
half. Why waste a day making this
when I can just work half the time
and get the same results?
MORTY
(Ponders)
Ahhh, youre right Rick, I never
thought of it like that.
RICK
Cheers Morty for the positive
feedback *burp*.
MORTY
Wont the other Rick find you?
Rick puts the device into his side pocket.
He pulls down a screen, points to the display.
RICK
All Ricks use a radioisotope to
track their work. I used you to
mask the element, disguising me and
the gadget.
MORTY
Oh ok. Mom said to see if you
wanted lunch?
Rick looks at his analog watch.
OCLOCK.

Its stopped at THREE

3.

RICK
Why would I? *burp*
oclock.

Its three

MORTY
Rick, its twelve noon.
coming or not?

Are you

RICK
One moment.
Rick presses a RED BUTTON, the ground opens up, a strange
damaged SPACESHIP rises up.
Ballsacks!
on?

RICK
What the fuck is going

Rick points to the ship.

RICK
I told you never to go for midnight
joyrides you little shit. Wheres
my ship Morty?!
MORTY
Dont call me that, how would I
know? I never know what you get up
to during the night, Ive got
school, remember?
RICK
School is for losers.
Rick opens the door of the spaceship.
paraphernalia fall out.
RICK
You coming Morty?
on the way.

Cans, bottles,

Well get pizza

MORTY
Sure.
They enter the ship.
INT. STRANGE SPACESHIP - DAY
A PHOTO of Rick and a mystery RED HEAD, sits on the
dashboard.

4.

RICK
Who the fuck is this?
Morty crosses his arms.
MORTY
You owe me an apology.
RICK
What?
MORTY
You accused me of stealing your
car!
RICK
Jesus Christ Im sorry. You really
need to work on whats important
Morty. Un-wedgie your ass crack
and chill.
Rick pulls his sleeve back, presses his watch phone.
RICK
Car, where are you?
INT. RICKS SPACECAR - DAY
The cars dashboards computer sensors turn on.
flashes.
CAR
Hello Rick, I am where you left me.
INT. STRANGE SPACESHIP - DAY
RICK
You little shit.
are you?

Where the fuck

INT. RICKS SPACECAR - DAY

CAR
You know I cannot reveal my
location. Youve stated many times
youre a genius, you dont need to
ask, you know.

A RED LIGHT

5.

RICK (O.S.)
Listen fuckwit, I got wasted last
night and cant remember. You know
where this signal is coming
from. Come here.
The cars MONITOR displays Ricks voice wave, alongside a
POLYGRAPH.
The word ANALYZING flashes.
A few moments later.
RESULT: GOVERNMENT HELD
CAR
Rick, Im unable to leave, you know
this.
INT. STRANGE SPACESHIP - DAY
RICK
You dumb excuse for an operating
system, youre not fucking *burp*
Windows. When I get a hold of you,
Im going to format your drive andRicks CAR hangs up on him.
RICK
You bastard! Now Im really going
to do it.
Rick closes the door.
RICK
Spaceship, on.
Nothing happens, he shakes his head.
RICK
Great, not even voice
activated. Must be a Ford.
INT. SMITHS LIVING ROOM - DAY
SUMMER sits on the couch watching television.
channels.
BETH and JERRY stand at the door.

She flicks

6.

BETH
When you see your grandpa and
Morty, tell them their lunch is in
the oven.
SUMMER
Okay.
JERRY
Well be back after midnight.
SUMMER
Okay.
JERRY
Arent you curious where were
going?
SUMMER
Not really. Just dont wake me
when youre back.
Beth opens the front door.
BETH
Lets go Jerry.
late sweetie.

Dont stay up too

SUMMER
Okay.
JERRY
(To Beth)
Yes hunny. Its going to be one
magical day.
Beth and Jerry leave.
Summer stops changing channels.
SUMMER
What the fuck!?
An advert comes on, Rick and Morty stand in a queue outside
a PIZZA place.
Summer grabs the GALAXY PHONE from behind the couch seat
cushions.

7.
INT. TELEVISION, ADVERT - NIGHT
A MAN whose chins so large he uses a wheelbarrow to help
walk, looks into the camera.
CHIN CHINNY
Im Chin Chinny here to tell you
Ive got the best pizzas in the
galaxy, no the universe! Ive got
thin pizzas, large, square, greasy,
cold, hot, and old pizzas. Weve
got all different types here!
Chin Chinny walks towards a massive queue of ALIENS outside
his PIZZERIA.
A sign on the ground states, Soup of the day = BEER.
EXT. CHIN CHINNYS PIZZERIA - NIGHT
He approaches Rick and Morty who stand at the front.
A SIGN FLASHES
SIGN:

CONGRATULATIONS / Three Hour Wait

CHIN CHINNY
Hello sir, out of all pizza
restaurants, takeaways, and frozen
shit, why did you pick us?
RICK
Im not here for the quality if
thats what youre angling for,
youre the cheapest. Also, if I
find one fly on any slice, I get
the pizza for free. Just look at
this place.

Rick jesters towards the restaurants poor hygiene

standards. Dead flies litter the inside of the windowsill.
INT. CHIN CHINNYS PIZZERIA - NIGHT
A FLY stands on its hind legs, knocks on the closed
window. It struggles for breath.
FLY
(Erratic)
Help me! Cant breath. Ate
something really bad. Oh my god
this place is a death trap.

8.

EXT. CHIN CHINNYS PIZZERIA - NIGHT

RICK
Theres a good chance pizzas on
you! *burp*
Ricks phone rings.
RICK
Hold on.
(He answers)
Hello?
INT. SMITHS LIVING ROOM - DAY
SUMMER
Rick, did you know youre in an
advert.
EXT. CHIN CHINNYS PIZZERIA - NIGHT
RICK
An advert? *burp* What the hell!
(Looks to the camera)
Aids!
He hangs up.
Chin Chinny grins for the camera, brings out a pad of
VOUCHERS.
CHIN CHINNY
Sir, with this voucher youll
receiveRICK
(To Chin Chinny)
Not interested, Ive lost my
appetite. *burp*
He walks off.
RICK
Come on Morty lets go. Cant let
the government know I was here.
MORTY
Aw Rick, were at the front of the
queue, Im really hungry.

9.

RICK
Ive got Pop-Tarts in the car,
lets go.
MORTY
Youve had Pop-Tarts all along?
EXT. FUNFAIR - EVENING
Jerrys hands cover Beths eyes.
JERRY
Almost there.
BETH
Jerry I know where we are.
JERRY
You do?
BETH
I hear screams of teenagers on
rides with questionable health and
safety records.
Jerry uncovers Beths eyes.
JERRY
Surprise!
Beth looks around, stoned-faced.
JERRY
(Unsure)
Surprise honey, remember this
place? Its where I took you on
our first date.
BETH
I remember. Theres a five star
restaurant here?
JERRY
Em no. Its just rides, popcorn,
over sized toys.

10.

INT. RICKS SPACECAR - DAY

Rick flies over a heavily built up city.
The place looks like an overly political correct
civilization on overdrive.
MORTY
Rick, what is this place?
RICK
Its like having to wear protection
to use a bouncy castle, politically
correct madness on
cocaine. Pointless.
All the ALIENS are in wheelchairs.
MORTY
Why are we here?
RICK
Free samples! Jiblets,
concentrated rectumcranium
juice. *burp* Taste fucking great
on pancakes.
As Rick flies up the main street, the crowds of ALIENS
heavily build up.
All the Aliens are CYCLOPS who use WHEELCHAIRS due to their
balance disorder.
MORTY
Looks pretty busy, are you sure
theyll be any free samples left?
RICK
I fucking hate queues. Lazy
bastards, sitting there all
pompous, look at me roll.
*burp* Fuckers.
Rick flies past a DISABLE BAY, marked by a symbol of a HUMAN
standing up, located near the front of a HUGE WAREHOUSE.
He stops, hovers over the front of the queue, the ALIENS
look up, panic, jump out of their wheelchairs, some crash to
the ground.
Rick lands on top of some unlucky Aliens legs crushed under
the impact.

11.
RICK
Jiblets!
MORTY
Maybe you should let me drive Rick.
RICK
Maybe you should shut your fucking
mouth.
EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY
Rick steps out of the spaceship.
He sees a lot of ANGRY FACES.
Grabs his gun, slowly takes it out.
RICK
We dont want any heroes, dont
come any closer or else someones
getting a flat tire. And with so
many of you fuckers, your auto
repair service I know just sucks
ass. *burp*
The Aliens retreat, roll back a few yards.
MORTY
Were sorry, please dont kill us.
Rick puts his gun back, drinks from his flask.
RICK
(Dismissive)
No were not. *burp*
MORTY
Rick!
Rick turns around, ready to enter the WAREHOUSE.
RICK
Whatever he says.
MORTY
One of these days Rick these aliens
arent going to be so forgiving.
RICK
Bunch of pussies.
Rick points to the sky.

12.

RICK
Word of warning, this planets
ecosystem is weird. Mother nature
here just wants to look after her
people. Fruit loop.
MORTY
I dont understand.
RICK
I didnt expect you to. Just dont
think of things you want. Only
things you need.
MORTY
Like what?
RICK
For example, grandpa wants a red
head.
A RED HEAD falls from the sky, dies instantly in front of
them.
What the?!
poor lady.

MORTY
This is terrible.

That

RICK
Relax Morty, this planets
dangerous. Never think what you
want.
MORTY
Why would mother nature do
this? Its crazy!
RICK
I guess it stops people indulging
in crap or something like
that. This planets a real
bore. Its like watching late
night television on CBS.
A CHILD stares at Rick and Morty.
off her Child.
RINGET
(To Son)
Dont stare its rude.

The Childs MOTHER tells

13.

BOBBATCHALETS
Ive never seen walkies before.
RINGET
Dont call them that, theyre
wheelchair challenged.
Rick and Morty stand at the front of the queue.
His car giving them space between themselves and the rest of
the Aliens.
An ALIEN, SANKIE, stands guard at the front of the entrance.
Sankie, looks like a round green reptilian with a flatulence
problem. Every time it farts, like a slug, leaves behind a
spongy trail.
EXT. FUNFAIR - EVENING
Jerry has again covered Beths eyes.
They stand outside two queues that are side by side.
One queue leads to the TUNNEL OF LOVE.
The other queue takes them on the HOUSE OF HORRORS.
JERRY
Youre going to love this.
(Laughs giddily)
With a hand on her hip, stuff toy under the other arm.
BETH
(Nonplussed)
Really.
A freaky looking WITCH covered in warts, stands at the
entrance of the Tunnel of Love.
A cute BLONDE wearing a red dress, holding roses, stands at
the entrance of the House of Horrors.
The CROWD hides the Witch.
cackles at Jerry.

She jumps out, arms up aloft,

WITCH
Argh, you look tasty.

14.

JERRY
Oh my goodness.
Distracted, he takes Beth down the House of Horrors queue.
EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
Sankie ushers Rick and Morty inside.
RICK
Wubba lubba dub dub!
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
The number of ALIENS inside outnumbers the huge queue
outside.
RICK
Aw shit.
MORTY
(Sighs)
Oh Jesus not again.
RICK
(Angry)
I fucking hate fucking queues.
INT. HOUSE OF HORRORS, CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Jerry lifts his hands.
JERRY
Surprise honey.
Beth looks down the dark corridor poorly lit by candles and
moonlight.
Water droplets splashes into a puddle in the distance,
echos, breaks the eerie silence.
BETH
For what? What is this suppose to
be, a joke?
JERRY
Dont you remember, this is the
first ride we tried.

15.

BETH
It was the tunnel of love you dope.
Beth walks ahead.
BETH
Come on.
Jerry looks around, screams emanate from a room next to
him. The door shakes, picture window rattles.
JERRY
Maybe we should go back?
He looks back, a GROUP OF TEENAGERS gawk at Jerry.
He scurries after Beth.
JERRY
Wait up honey.
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
An ALIEN with multiple arms and legs ushers Rick and Morty
to the counter.
BRASHINJER DINGBELLS
Next!
Everything the Alien touches leaves a sticky black ink mark.
Her white counter no longer shows.
She lifts a piece of paper thats stuck down.
BRASHINJER DINGBELLS
Fill this in. This lets us know
youve read the terms and
conditions, and that youre fully
aware this free sample may cause
blindness, irritable bowel
syndrome, alopecia, eczema, and
long periods of blackouts.
Rick fills in the form.
MORTY
Should you be filling that in?
RICK
Out here you dont ask
questions. You just do.

16.

Rick hands back the form.

Brashinjer Dingbells stamps the form, then pushes over a
huge pile of JIBLET JUICE.
*burp*

RICK
Thanks.

BRASHINJER DINGBELLS
Enjoy and please come back again,
normal price three ninety nine
smegs.
INT. HOUSE OF HORRORS, CORRIDOR - NIGHT
At the end of the corridor an ARROW points to an open door,
to the right.
BETH
Come on Jerry, lets get this over
and done with.
JERRY
Oh I dont know, should we be
following these arrows? You dont
know the trap its leading us into.
Jerry looks the other direction.
An inverted mirror reflects a sinister Jerry back, elongated
head, eyebrows, eyes, and nose all pointy.
Mouth revealing sharp pointy teeth.
Sinister laughs echoes from the mirror.
JERRY
Ahh, stop leaving me behind Beth.
INT. HOUSE OF HORRORS, ROOM A - NIGHT
A MANNEQUIN falls from the ceiling.
Jerry hides behind Beth.
JERRY
Watch out!
A stone-faced Beth turns to Jerry.

17.
BETH
Really? You know these places
arent designed to kill you.
JERRY
Why do they have to make them look
so realistic?!
Beth rolls her eyes, shakes her head.
BETH
It doesnt have a face, just a few
limbs you doughnut.
Beth walks on, arms folded.
INT. HOUSE OF HORRORS, ROOM B - NIGHT
A dark room, cobwebs fill the room.
through.

Moonlight breaks

Ivory keys played slowly, chills the air with its eerie
sound. (Think Aphex Twin - Drukqs - Gwethy Mernans)
The floorboards creak.
A GHOST drifts across their path, from the wall to the
window on the other side.
Jerry hides behind Beth.
JERRY
Oh my god, I dont know how much
more I can take of this.
BETH
Get a grip Jerry, grow some balls
will you. Its only 3D tech. God
I wish you had a spine.
JERRY
Wheres the exit?
BETH
Weve been here for five
minutes. Give it another ten
fifteen.
Beth sees a faint light from the open door across the room.
She walks over the uneven surface.
Jerry creeps behind.

18.
An extremely UGLY MAN, sits on a chair next to the exit,
bored, bolts up once he sees Beth.
Jerry screams like a girl.
BETH
Relax Jerry, hes just really ugly.
Jerry laughs it off.
JERRY
I know that, Im not scared.
The Ugly Man pulls on a rope.
A wardrobes doors open, a TEENAGER dressed as a ZOMBIE
kisses a TEENAGE GIRL, theyre both covered in blood,
suddenly realize theyve got to work.
The Teenage Girl screams, falls to the ground.
The Zombie groans, stumbles towards Jerry.
Ah!

JERRY
Beth wait up!

INT. MYSTERY SPACESHIP - NIGHT

Every corner of the spaceship contains the Jiblet Juice.
Mortys pushed up against the windscreen.
MORTY
Where are we going now?
Rick veers the ship to the right.
RICK
The zoo. We need Pango vomit to
really make this juice zing. *burp*
EXT. ZOO, CORRIDOR - DAY
Rick and Morty both carry Jiblet Juice with them as they
walk past VARIOUS ENCLOSURES that contain ALIENS from all
over the universe.
They walk past two small windows that peer into an
enclosure. A PLUS SYMBOL displays between the windows, an
EQUALS SYMBOL leads onto another window, twice the size of
the previous two windows.

19.

MORTY
Wow, this place is amazing.
RICK
Youve not seen nothing yet.
until you see these Pangos.

Wait

A sign hangs on the wall LOST ALIEN.

As Rick walks past, pulls out a stamp, then stamps FOUND.
EXT. ZOO, HUMAN ENCLOSURE - DAY
Morty stops abruptly.
MORTY
Rick, whats going on?
humans in there.

Theres

A nonchalant Rick continues to walk.

RICK
Its rude to stare Morty, youll
only set them off.
Rick BURPS an extra loud and long one.
MORTY
Rick, we got to help them.
RICK
Intergalactic politics, you know I
hate fucking politics. This zoo
would only kidnap another family.
A sensor scans the faces of the HUMANS.
A warning sign flashes: ANGER
A tiny ROBOT rolls out from within a wall.
It rolls up to the Anger sign, unscrews the BLUE light bulb,
replaces it with a RED light bulb, then sticks on a letter D
in front of the sign to signal:
DANGER
The Robot turns to Morty, points away from the enclosure.
ROBOT
Danger danger, please continue on
with your visit.

20.

INT. ZOO, HUMAN ENCLOSURE - DAY

BILL and SARAH, their children, BOBBY and JILL, all bash the
soundproof window.
The family all shout.
BILL
(Hysterical)
Help us!
SARAH
Please help! Dont leave us
behind!
BOBBY
Help!
JILL
Help!
SHUTTERS slam down.
EXT. ZOO, PANGO ENCLOSURE - DAY
Rick and Morty stop outside the PANGO enclosure.
Ricks SPACECAR sits inside, crashed into a wall.
Various other ALIENS occupy the open enclosure.
STROBE LIGHTS, a DJ, FLOATING PLANTS, and a BAR decorate the
enclosure.
RICK
(To Morty)
Word of warning, these Pangos dont
take no for an answer, just go with
it.
MORTY
What?
RICK
The word doesnt exist in their
vocabulary, and theyre the party
aliens of the universe. You may
offend them.
MORTY
Im not in the mood to party Rick.

21.
RICK
They may kill you Morty, just go
with it *burp*. Lets fucking
party!
INT. ZOO, PANGO ENCLOSURE - DAY
Rick walks over to a PANGO. Its looks like a cuddly koala
bear with itchy balls, and a nervous disposition.
RICK
Hey mochacho wheres the freaks at?
The Pango nervously looks away.
PANGO
Theyre here, in the party
sanctuary!
The Pango goes off to dance, finds a corner to look at,
dances awkwardly.
RICK
Fucking freak.
Rick sees his car, crashed into a wall.
RICK
There you are you little shit.
He looks at the engine.
RICK
You must be out of your mind.
The engines damaged from the impact.
RICK
Car Im here, open up.
SPACECAR
No youre not.
RICK
Havent got time for this
shit. Wubba lubba dub dub, lets
party!
MORTY
Rick maybe we shouldnt be doing
this, remember you couldnt
remember?

22.
RICK
Quite a paradox Morty.
Rick sets the Jiblet Juice down, takes out his device, pours
some juice into it.
He sits down, aims the device into his eye.
MORTY
What you doing Rick? Doesnt that
stuff cause blindness and
blackouts?
RICK
What are you my mom? This device
converts any substance into light,
for easy consumption.
Ricks about to press the button, Morty slaps it out of his
hand.
MORTY
No!
Laser light flashes throughout the enclosure, Rick and Morty
duck as the light bounces off walls, kills all the ALIENS.
Before it crashs into Ricks spacecar, burns it to ASHES.
RICK
Jesus Morty, look what youve
done. Do you realize how long it
took me to build that car? Youve
cost me a months labor when it
would have taken me one hour to
fix.
MORTY
I done? Youre the one who tried
to decapitate himself. Youll only
steal another car.
RICK
As usual youve got it wrong
again. That light turns deadly if
it refracts Morty refracts! Once
the light bends, its constant
state changes, mixed in with all
these strobe lights, multiple
sources of various energy levels of
atoms, therefore changing a quality
party drug into a deadly laser.
A PORTAL opens up.

23.
A golf ball flies through, knocks Rick out cold.
Morty hides.
Rick2 comes through, grabs the DEVICE.
RICK2
Fucker, Im taking back whats
mine.
Rick2 kicks Rick.
RICK2
Lick lick lick my balls!
Rick2 disappears back through the portal.
Then a moment later, his head pops back.
RICK2
And thats the wwwwwwaaaaaay the
news goes!
THE END
CREDITS ROLL
INT. HOUSE OF HORRORS, LAST ROOM - NIGHT
Jerry and Beth see the exit on the far side of the room.
JERRY
There Beth, the exit, almost there!
BETH
Youre treating this like an
ordeal.
A coffin rests center of the room.
Jerry steps on floorboard that recedes deeper into the
ground. The coffins lid lifts up.
An EERIE MOAN reverberates, arms wrapped in white bandages
slowly rise.
The MUMMY sits up.
JERRY
(Laughs)
Thats the worst vampire costume
Ive ever seen!

24.

BETH
(Laughs)
Its a mummy you doughnut.
They continue to laugh as they exit.
The Mummy slumps in the coffin, takes out a cigarette, drops
the lighter, he pats himself down, avoids a fire.
He throws the cigarette.
It falls into some rubbish.
EXT. HOUSE OF HORRORS - NIGHT
Jerry and Beth hold hands as they continue to laugh.
The House of Horrors goes up in flames in the background.