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HD 300 Journal #4: Adulthood

To conclude my journals, I interviewed my father, George. He is approximately one


month away from his seventy-fourth birthday, and is of Korean descent. He has resided in the
United States since he was a six-year old boy, and identifies himself more as American than as
Korean. For most of his adulthood, he has enjoyed a middle-class economic status, and although
he was born into a wealthy family, a series of drastic family and political events resulted in him
experiencing years of extreme poverty as a child and young adult. He never completed college,
and cited hunger and financial need as a factor that made seeking his education exceedingly
challenging and insurmountable. His financial restraints during those years limited him to
surviving on a budget of eighty cents per day, and he simply stated, Its hard to think when
youre that hungry. He later joined the Los Angeles Police Department as a young man, and
retired after twenty-nine years of service.
I would definitely place my dad in Ericksons psychosocial Stage 8. In my
observations, he has arrived at a point where he seems satisfied with his life. In looking back, he
humorously acknowledged his youthful idealism as having a save the world attitude. He
reflected with subdued pride when describing the optimism and enthusiasm of his younger years
as fueling his determination and his drive to swim upstream, in search of adventure and
excitement in life. He has also had a lifelong sense of integrity and justice, which contributed to
his strong need to do the right thing, and you know, chase bad guys.
He exhibited most, if not all of the traits which were related
to Ericksons Stage 8. He consistently displayed integrity, satisfaction, and a general ease in
accepting life. When asked to describe the ways in which he has changed the most, he stated,
Wow. I never really thought about thatI have become more accepting of things, less anal or

OCD. When I was young, I was an idealist, but no more. I have found some maturity, a broader
outlook. Life is what it is. Im not going to get upset at everything that doesnt fit into my ideals.
In the old days, it was usually, NO! but now its well maybecould be. I am less
judgmental.

His responses showed that his personality has consistently

been positive and goal oriented, despite his challenges. His outlook has generally been confident
and good-natured; he enjoys humor and frequently makes jokes. Socioeconomic factors which
resulted in him working from the time he delivered newspapers as a child, throughout his teens
and adulthood did not embitter him. He described being oblivious to the lavish lifestyles some of
his peers lived, explaining that in those days, fashionable teenagers returned from vacation
talking about Bal Week-their Balboa Island beach vacations-but he did not feel deprived. With
no car, and the necessity to work through school vacation periods, he says he did not get real
vacation, but I didnt miss it If it was a nice day, my friends and I would just go to the beach on
the bus. Excelling in gymnastics and wrestling in school gave him self-esteem and enjoyment,
and despite being low-income, he enjoyed many friends; not to brag, but I was very popular!
he laughed.
He further demonstrated traits of Ericksons Stage 8 characteristics by stating that he has
very few regrets. Sure, there are some regrets; I dont like to live in the past, to dwell in the
past. Its a waste of time. I try to live life with a sense of humor, even in sad or bad situations.
Life is destined-you lead the life you lead. I was supposed to lead it, and so I dont regret it. I
always try to see the positive. How can I know how life was supposed to be?! At stages in life,
you do certain things, but you cant go back and rewind.
This adult does remind me of myself, as I have always had more of my fathers traits than
my mothers. I took on my dads sense of integrity and right-doing, mostly because it was deeply

instilled-practically pounded into my psyche-from my earliest life/memories. Like my father, I


am also unconcerned with the socio-economic luxuries of others, and do not compare my
lifestyle to theirs, or feel that my life is lacking if it does not parallel those financial or material
comforts. Character, behavior, and treatment of others are more important in my life than
materialism, as is a sense of humor, which is critical; I enjoy laughing as much and as often as I
possibly can.
I am different than my father in that I was not a teenager who enjoyed traditional school
sports or activities or was at all concerned with popularity. At that stage, I was the opposite,
much more introverted, immersed in art and obscurity. I was more artistically inclined, more
anti-establishment; angry, rebellious and self-destructive.
In adulthood, I believe that I still have more fight left in my outlook and
ambitions than my father currently does. I generally fluctuate between Ericksons Stages 6 and 7although I can rapidly regress in bad temper, and I am now working on academic goals that
much younger people have often already completed by this stage. Other times, I truly feel old,
and can also relate to aspects of Stage 8, because I have reached a much more calm and
accepting place in my life and have experienced a lot of living. I share alcoholism with my
father, and thankfully, we also share recovery. That has undoubtedly given us both an enriched
perspective in life. It has given me more maturity, self-awareness and an immense sense of
gratitude on a day to day basis, especially in consideration of the many years that I was
developmentally and emotionally stunted, and deathly ill from alcoholism.
If I was responding to these questions, I believe that my
answers would be slightly less self-involved and more inclusive of important relationships, to be
perfectly blunt (I do share my fathers candor). My father viewed the accomplishments of his

youth and his career as the most paramount components of his life. Being more emotionally
sensitive, I find other facets of life equally, if not more important to include. I especially value
the depth of relationships and personal connections that I share with family and other loved ones.
I am admittedly hyper-focused on my academic goals and future career plans as of late, but these
people (and my support animal, Lola) are crucial and so meaningful to me. They are absolute
necessities in my ability to function happily, healthfully and successfully. I felt a slight sting,
when my father made no mention of his two daughters when assessing his lifes most
outstanding highlights. However, this fails to make me love him any less. It merely reinforces
my tenacity in knowing that my journey of making continuous, forward progress in life is the
right one for me, as I continue to find my own worth, value and inner strengths.
In comparing my father to The Last Lecture, I do not believe that he
experiences the depth of emotional connection to his children that Dr. Pausch wrote about, or
perhaps he is unable to verbally express it. He certainly is on the opposite end of the spectrum in
comparing time management and efficiency that Dr. Pausch was impassioned with. My father
has no sense of urgency when it comes to time. In terms of similarities, he has a very positive
attitude which mirrors Dr. Pauschs quote of, We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how
we play the hand. This reminded me of my fathers comments about destiny and acceptance. I
also see a parallel in Pauschs concept of earnestness. He said, Earnestness is highly
underestimated. It comes from the core, while hip is trying to impress you with the surface. This
is definitely in line with my fathers philosophy. These similarities and differences are most
likely due to the differences in personality and also of course, the fact that thankfully, my father
is not dealing with a terminal illness.
A quote which stood out to me was, Halfhearted or insincere apologies

are often worse than not apologizing at all because recipients find them insulting. If youve done
something wrong in your dealings with another person, its as if theres an infection in your
relationship. A good apology is like and antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the
wound. This is applicable because I have made many mistakes in my life, but I have also had
the opportunity to learn to make proper apologies and follow them up with reparative action.
This accountability has been extraordinarily important in my growth by helping me learn to
empathize and more deeply respect others by coming to terms with my own faults and flaws. By
learning to identify them and not perpetually repeat my mistakes and cause damage to others, I
have garnered better self-esteem and sensitivity in my conduct.
The quote which was most moving to me was when his
wife whispered in his ear after the lecture, Please dont die. This is because I had a fianc who
died, and although his illness (addiction) took his life without such tangible advance warning, the
void that it has left in my existence was brought to the surface in relating to the pain that Jai
Pausch most certainly must have had felt when she begged this of her husband. It reminded me
of the countless times over the years that I have dreamt of my deceased fianc. Each time,
without fail I tell him as we embrace, AH! There you are; I knew you couldnt have really left
me, but after a short period of joy and of feeling whole again in my dream, I experience the
visceral pain and crushing grief of that loss over and over again, and I beg him not to go. I can
only imagine the pain that Dr. Pauschs widow felt, in losing her partner, who was also the father
to her three children. I am uncertain as to whether or not my father shares the same feelings as I
do in the meaningfulness of these quotes, although he has suffered loss, we all process it
differently.

This book related to my own life by the reminders

that it presented to me in its poignancy and its message of positivity. It reinforced my

appreciation for the brevity of life, and the need to live to the fullest and with meaning, in order
to make the most of ourselves and our time; especially to appreciate the ones we love and avoid
self-pity. It also reminded me of how quickly life can end, as one of my best girlfriends died
within less than eight weeks of her own diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. She also accepted her
condition with dignity, but as a single, childless woman, she absolutely did not have the fight that
Dr. Pausch so aggressively exerted in his efforts to live as long as possible.
There are no specific things that I disagree
with in this book, however, I did some additional research and found that Jai Pausch has written
about her experiences since her husbands passing. She disclosed more truths of the struggles
they both endured during his illness, not in an effort to deflate or tarnish his copious optimism,
but to give more hope and concrete means of support to others, especially caregivers for the
terminally ill. I admire that she rose above the pain of her loss to look toward helping others. She
does not attempt to deceive or sugarcoat the magnitude of her struggles, and those of her
children. In light of a heartbreaking situation, I think that they both succeeded in conveying their
message of positivity and reinforcing the importance of continuing to live life in the best ways
possible, no matter what.

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