Marriage and Family

February 2016

OPTION F: OLDER PERSON INTERVIEW

Sit down with an older person (Grandparent type) and ask them to talk about
the positive and negative aspects of family life in the "olden" days. Some
interesting areas to explore might be the role of women in the family, views
on the child's role in the family, the family's view of divorce and divorced
people, their perceptions of people who chose to stay single, or any other
topic that seems pertinent. Summarize your conversation.

I love to sit and talk with older people. I spent several years managing
an assisted living home and spent many hours sitting and talking with them.
I will include in this essay some of my favorite stories of the olden days I
remember from them; as well as, information I gathered from my mother-inlaw who is a grandmother to more than 25 grandchildren. Life has changed
over the years and believe it or not we are greatly influenced by our
upbringing. Such influence may be conscious or unconscious; may affect
behaviors and patterns of interaction as well as attitudes, beliefs, and selfesteem; and may remain even in the absence of contact with the family of

origin (Strong & Cohen p 252). It is important to know where you come from
and where some of your ideas and beliefs stem from.
What was life like for you when you were young? What was expected of
you as a child and how did that shape the person you are today? This is a
question I love asking especially older generations, because times have
changed so much but perhaps less than I think. I asked Peggy about her
childhood and where she was born. I found out that this sweet woman was
born in a sod hut on the plains of Colorado with no electricity in her home.
They burned cow chips to keep warm. When she was between five and seven
she would walk more than 7 miles a day with her basket to go collect cow
chips with her older cousin. Collecting cow chips was her job. She told
another story when she was a little older. She was often left behind to care
for her little sister. On one occasion there were gypsies that had set up camp
close to her home. She was frightened that the gypsies would take her little
sister if they knew she was there. In her attempt to hide her little sister she
hid her in a drawer when she started to cry. Her little sister started hollering
so loud she took her out because she thought for sure they would hear her
screaming. She was taught at a very young age that she was needed to help
take care of the family. She is no longer living but this sweet little old lady
worked so hard every day of her life.
We learn a lot from our upbringing Peggy who I mentioned above
continued making her own bed and hanging up her clothes even when she
could no longer see and barely had the strength to do it. As a result of the

war she had to go to work to help support her sick husband. She once talked
to me about her daughters black husband and how she didnt approve of her
decision to marry him. She was pretty harsh with her daughter about her
weight as well. Even though she was sweet and accommodating this style is
unassertive and cooperative (Strong &Cohen 2014 p. 253) most of the time
there were things that made her mad.
I asked my mother-in-law what are some of the positive aspects of
family life when you were a child? She answered,
I had a mom and a dad and they made me feel special and
loved. Mom was a snugger and gave me a fair amount of physical love,
and asked very little of me. Dad was more demanding, but his praise
was so important to me, that he had a pretty powerful influence on my
life and behavior. They were a good teamone strong where the other
was weak. We lived in a humble home, but I always had good food and
loving care and attention. I remember well Sunday afternoon/evening
meals with my family. When I smell a toasted tuna sandwich, Im back
at home with Mom and Dad and remember how safe and happy I felt.
My mother-in-law has done a very good job at loving her children and making
them feel safe and secure in her presence as her parents did the same for
her.
I then asked her what some of the positive aspects of family life were
after her children left home. She responded,

Not so much laundry!! No there were definite positives, such

as having more time to do church work or community work, which I
enjoy. And I happen to love my husband, so it was wonderful to be able
to travel with him, and have quiet dinners with him, and work on
projects with him, without too much interruption or drama. We
frequently disagreed on parenting issues, so when the children were
out of the home, we seldom argued a real bonus!
This comment has brought me hope. The text suggests that, once children
are gone, couples must re-create their family minus their children. Some
couples may divorce at this point if the children were the only reason the pair
remained together (Strong & Cohen 2014 p. 301). The thought that couples
separate after children leave home because they lose touch with each other
is sad. My mother-in-law stated that a big source of conflict in their marriage
was parenting styles. I know from experience that raising children can create
a lot of stress on a marriage. If couples dont start off with a deep
knowledge of each other, its easy for a marriage to lose its way when lives
shift suddenly and dramatically (Gottman & Silver 2015, p. 55). This
comment doesnt mean that you have to have known someone for a really
long time. Rather, once you devote yourself to someone, you continue to
grow together and get to know each other. Dating or spending time together
is one thing that can help couples stay connected.
I asked my mother-in-law, what some of the negative aspects of family
life were, when she was raising children. She replied,

The disagreements with my husband over parenting issues

werent good for us or the children. I also found the laundry and
housekeeping aspects of a large family very challenging. I wasnt
resentful just found it exhausting. When the children did something
wrong, I often took it very personally like I had failed as a mother. I
have since realized how very different all my children are and that they
have minds of their own, despite my best efforts. There was (and is)
jealousy in the family, which was (and is) a negative aspect of family
life. It was hard to give everyone the time and attention they wanted,
and they were always watching and noticing if someone else was
getting special attention.
She raised a family of four boys and four girls. There were plenty of children
at home and plenty of opportunities to feel inadequate. She had a love for
reading and read to her children often. The mention of jealousy is a constant
issue among her children to this day. The text states, Jealousy is often
related to personal feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. The source of such
jealousy lies within a person, not within a relationship (Strong & Cohen 2014
p. 172). This statement is a reminder that no matter who we are today those
feelings of years past affect who we become. We take our insecurities with us
into our relationships. We need this to be a reminder to watch out for our
own short comings and not judge each other too harshly.
We talked longer but the one last thing I wanted to include is the
advice she would give to her grandchildren regarding marriage.

Dont rush into marriage dont marry the first person that is
nice to you. Get to know as many potential partners as you can, but
once things become serious with one of them and you feel that they
are the one get married.
Put your spouse first. In other words look for ways to please
and support your spouse. Notice what they like, and dont like. They
should be number one in your life more important than work or
church or children or the family you have come from. Let them know
they are the most important person to you. Take care of yourself and
your needs, of course, but dont let anything be more important than
your spouse.
Express your love daily through words and actions.
Listen to your spouse without being judgmental. Try to see
where they are coming from. Talk about your differences with respect
and love. Talk, talk, talk. Dont assume anything talk. Spend time
alone specifically so you can talk and get to know what is happening in
each others lives. Listen with love and respect.
Dont talk to other people about your spouse. Your relationship is
sacred and you must not break the trust your spouse has in you. If you
cant say something nice about your spouse to others dont say
anything at all.

Love your spouses family. Dont put your family before your
spouses family, and visa versa. Both sets of parents should be treated
with love, respect and kindness.
If you are having troubles in your marriage seek help! There is
nothing shameful about seeing a counselor if you are unhappy about
things. Having fun together helps when you are struggling in a
marriage. Find something you both like to do and do it as often as you
can!
I include this because I believe these are words from a wise
woman. She has watched her children struggle with marriages and
conflict throughout their lives. Her marriage has not been without
conflict or hardship but it is because of the experiences in our lives
that make us what we are and who we will become.

Sources:
Gottman, John Mordechai., and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work. New York: Crown, 2015. Print.

Strong, Bryan, and Theodore F. Cohen. The Marriage and Family Experience:
Intimate Relationships in a Changing Society. 12th ed. Belmont: Wadsworth
Cenage Learning, 2014. Print.