Show dont tell!

Descriptive Paragraph
Global concerns
1. Description - captures the essence of its subject, using sensory
detail and showing the reader (10 points) /Comments:

Points
6.5

2. Paragraph has clear direction, support, unity, coherence? (10

points) /Comments:

6.5

Okay, Baraa. Youve done a great job of using some concrete, sensory detail and
figurative language in your subjective description of your mother.
Your objective paragraph, however, suggests that you still dont understand
clearly the difference between objective and subjective. Most of the description is
your objective paragraph is subjective. It is not a neutral description; it reflects
value judgement and opinion more often rather than observation.

Your opening sentences provide some direction to your paragraph. How might you
have made them stronger by providing a clearer controlling idea for each
paragraph?
You provide a set of supporting details for each paragraph.
How could you have established stronger coherence using logical order and
transitional signals?

Local concerns
3. Contains careful, concise language (5 points) /Comments:

Watch out for cliche, hyperbole (language that uses exaggeration or is over)
and fluff, like
a precious gift from God, I love her more than anything
Work on showing rather than telling: how could you show that she is responsible,
good, well-dressed?

3.5

4. Shows a clear grasp of English grammar, spelling, and

punctuation (5 points) /Comments:

TOTAL

19.5/30

Please double space!

Work on correct use of pronouns, word forms and eliminating run-ons. You will
need to do some intensive work on your own to get up to speed with your
grammar, Baraa. Begin with the posting on Ritaj Extra Help with Sentence
Structure (22 October) for guidance. If you need further help, please see me or
contact me via Ritaj.
Please keep one-inch margins on both sides of your paper.

Nice start, Baraa, but NQTY! Keep writing.

Writing I (ENGL 233)

Sharry Lapp