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McKenzie McClure
Jillian Bennion
English 1010

Final Choice
On average one person dies by suicide every 15.6 hours in the state of Utah. The rate of
suicide is highest in middle age white men in particular. In 2014, firearms were the most
common method of death by suicide, accounting for a little less than half (49.9%) of all suicide
deaths. Many suicide attempts go unreported or untreated. Surveys suggest that at least one
million people in the U.S. each year engage in intentionally inflicted self-harm.
Living after the death of a loved one is hard and can take a time to heal. Living after the
passing of a parent is life changing and can leave a hole no one can ever fill again. Living after a
parent has committed suicide is life altering, and the scars left behind are always there to remind
you of your pain.
June 13, 2005, is no longer just a date, its the day I received a phone call that changed
my world forever. I had just walked in my house when my cell rang. It was my cousin; I didnt
want to talk to her, just wanted to change my clothes and head to the gym and clear my mind
from a long day at work. The worst part is I think my cousin was praying I wouldnt answer, I
think she was hoping I knew and she wouldnt have to be the one to break my heart and set fire
to my world with four words, your dad shot himself.
I dont even remember hitting the floor; I just remember screaming. I didnt even sound
like me; I sounded like a wounded animal who had been run over and left to die on the side of
the road. I remember thinking that the carpet felt rough on my face and had a weird taste of tears

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and fabric. I started thinking my cousin had lied to me. I played out scenarios of my dad having
to go into hiding and that it was an elaborate ruse to trick people and that he would be calling any
minute to let me know he was safe. I was wrong. The world became meaningless and
overwhelming. Life made no sense. Denial is one of the first things I went through when I was
informed my father had shot himself. One of my first thoughts was maybe the gunshot did not
kill him. Denial is a defense against brutal reality. It dulls the impact of the loss, offers you a
temporary relief and allows you to process overwhelming feelings. On one level you recognize
that your loved one has died; on another level, youre unable to grasp all the ramifications of that
harsh and unwelcome reality. Before my fathers death, I did not know anyone who had died by
suicide. This was not something that existed in my life and not something that could have
imagined happening to my family. Thinking about my fathers death now still leaves me in a
state of shock.
Time stopped for me I entered into a new realm full of pain and confusion where no one
had answers, and I was alone. I dont remember calling my mother or breaking everything on my
bathroom counter When my mother arrived, I was still in a ball of pain lying on my floor
analyzing the texture and smell of my carpet. She picked me up and put me in her van, where I
continued into what I refer to as my in shock faze. I rambled on and on about needing to get my
laundry done and having work the next day. The ride over to my Nannas was spent reassuring
me that my laundry could wait and that I wouldnt be going into work the next day.
Often survivors of a suicide initial reaction are shock and disbelief. It gradually moves to
recognition and acceptance that the event is real, though for some, shock is repeatedly
experienced as the survivor revolves back and forth between recognition and denial.

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I tried to focus on the trees and the smell of wet grass and the rain drops running down
my window, this helped me not picture my father dead. I didnt want to face my family; I just
wanted to lay on the floor and cry, where I could focus on the smell and texture of the carpet. I
started to think about the last thing my dad said to me and the last time I saw him. What did I
miss? Could I have stopped him? My father was in the middle of a horrible divorce his business
was failing, and he was alone. I was 20 and busy with my life. I blamed myself for not seeing the
signs. Not asking why he started to give things away, not spending time with him when he was
alone and just wanted to stop by and watch a movie. I felt like I helped pull the trigger. The guilt
was overwhelming. I wanted to find a quiet place and never come out, that way I would never
have to deal with the feeling of loss. I wanted to close my eyes forever too; it seemed at the time
only fair. Although guilt serves a function for some people and is something they may need to
dwell on for a while, eventually it is helpful to examine evidence to the contrary of their
perceived shortcomings. Frequent reminders of the times when they went the extra distance to
support their relative, will eventually help move beyond this painful feeling.
When I got out of the van, I wanted to be strong for my family, but when my aunt walked
outside I lost control, seeing her was like hearing the words. Your dad is dead.. After I hit the
grass in front of my Nannas I started to worry about the neighbors hearing me screaming like I
was auditioning for a horror movie. How do you tell someone that your dad committed suicide?
Eventually, it will come up in conversation. I have tried many times not to go into how my father
died, but people ask, and I'm in the spot of telling them or saying I dont like to talk about it.
Theres a powerful stigma attached to mental illness (a factor in most suicides). Many religions
specifically condemn the act as a sin, so survivors may understandably be reluctant to
acknowledge or disclose the circumstances of such a death. Family differences over how to

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publicly discuss the death can make it difficult even for survivors who want to speak openly. The
decision to keep the suicide a secret from outsiders, children, or selected relatives can lead to
isolation, confusion, and shame that may last for years or even generations. Also, if relatives
blame one another thinking perhaps that particular actions or a failure to act may have
contributed to events that can significantly undermine a familys ability to provide mutual
support.
My Mom picked me up again and led me into the house where I had my Nanna, my
fathers mother trying to comfort me, this made me fill selfish and even more alone. She had just
lost her son, her child. I felt like I shouldve been taking care of her not her taking care of me.
She walked me into the bathroom where once again I decided to lay on the carpet. This carpet
was pink and smelled of my Nanna and was much softer than then my tear stained carpet that I
longed to get back to and curl back into my ball of pain. The rest of the night was just a blur. I
went home just like I did every night, got in bed just like I did every night. It felt wrong, I was
scared. I knew I would have to wake up and deal with the reality of never seeing my dad again.
Never seeing him dance around the room and trying to swing dance with me, never get the hey
just wanted to say I love you call ever again. Suicide can shatter the things you take for granted
about yourself, your relationships, and your world, says Dr. Jordan. Some survivors conduct a
psychological autopsy, finding out as much as they can about the circumstances and factors
leading to the suicide.
The next morning, I made the decision to go down to the mortuary and see my fathers
body. Originally I did not want to, I didnt know how bad the gunshot was and how bad the
damage would be. I didnt know if I would be able to recognize him, which was frightening and
made me feel like I couldnt breathe and that my heart was going to explode out of my chest.

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To this day when I drive by Larkin Mortuary I get anxiety and feel sick to my stomach.
Walking into the mortuary, I remember being led to a room and sitting in the red chair that
smelled like oak. I couldnt help but think about all the dead people that could be in the building
and how I would give anything for there to be a mistake and the body downstairs be someone
anyone other than my father.
I eventually was led down stairs where they kept the bodies. I walked into small dark
room. The room was cold and emotionless there was a man lying on a table covered by a sheet. I
froze and just stood there, I heard screaming that jolted me out of my frozen state, the screaming
was coming from me, a women walked in and tried to lead me back out of the room, but I pulled
myself together and apologized for my outburst. I walked up to the table and looked at my
fathers face, he looked normal like he was sleeping. He had a bandage on the side of his head
like he had just had a bump to the head. I reached out to touch his had but he had ice on his
finger tips and I couldnt bring myself to touch him. His feet were hanging out of the sheet and I
could see his birthmark on his ankle that looked like a heart. He used to joke that it was a tattoo,
that memory made me smile even though it quickly turned to anger.
As I survivor, I have spent a great deal of time in this stage. I was angry at myself for not
being more aware of the signs that my father had given me; angry at my father for choosing to
end his life. My anger masked the pain, and it helped me get through many days following my
fathers death. I still experience anger. I experience it when somebody says, I want to kill
myself The anger I experience today is different from the anger I felt in the aftermath of my
fathers death.
It took me over a year to come to terms with my fathers suicide. There are times when I
still think its not real. But I think it took a year for me to really believe it. And I think that it was

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because I surrounded myself with him, looking at pictures, and talking about him to everyone
that helped me come to terms with it in such a short period of time. I dont know if a year is a
short period of time or not, but it is very real to me today. You never get over a suicide. For
suicide survivors, the grief process is particularly long given the complexity of issues survivors
struggle with. This means that one year after the death, the griever may still be in the depths of
their grief, long after society expects people to be over their grief. For me I just learned to deal
with the pain. The worst part is not knowing why. If I could just say he had been depressed, or
seeing a shrink, or anything that might have explained it, it would have been better. But I still
wouldnt know why he did it. For this reason, patience on the part of friends and family is most
important. There is no way to speed up the grief process. One can only go through it. My friends
and family did a good job creating a safe and nonjudgmental environment where I was able to
begin healing.
Theres no single cause for suicide. Suicide most often occurs when stressors exceed
current coping abilities of someone suffering from a mental health condition. Depression is the
most common condition associated with suicide, and it is often undiagnosed or untreated.
Conditions like depression, anxiety and substance problems, especially when unaddressed,
increase risk for suicide. Yet its important to note that most people who actively manage their
mental health conditions lead fulfilling lives. Something to look out for when concerned that a
person may be suicidal is a change in behavior or the presence of entirely new behaviors.
My hope is that you read this to the story and it helps give you a better understanding of
what people go through during a suicide of a loved one. The mix of emotions can be so
overwhelming at times that it may be difficult to get people to identify just what it is they are

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feeling. Im always going to miss my dad and will probably always struggle with his loss. I dont
like the saying time heals everything. I like to say time makes the pain easier.

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Works Cited
2016 American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Web. 20 Mar. 2016.
<https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/>.
The Center for the Grief Journey. N.p.: n.p., 2013. N. page
Kbler Ross, Elisabeth, and David Kessler. N.p.: n.p., n.d. Web. 20 Mar. 2016
Cocke, Anna. N.p.: n.p., 2014. Web. 20 Mar. 2016.
The Center for the Grief Journey. N.p.: n.p., 2013. N. page.
Harvard Health Publications. N.p.: n.p., 2016. Harvard University. Web. 21 Mar. 2016