Flores

MariaFlores
Prof.Melton
ENGL5
February26,2016
Essayaboutanessay
Canthetypeofpromptyouchoosedetermineyourfinalgrade?ThepromptIchoseandIsay
chosebecausewehadthreedifferenttopicstochoosefromandIthoughtIwentwiththe
easiestonebutitdidn'tturnoutwithgoodresultsasIhadhopedfor.Thisessaywaspartofan
examformyhistory17Aclass,itwasourveryfirstexamandIhatetimedessayssoIwasn't
feelingtooconfident.WhenIgottotheessayportion,therewasthreepromptoptionsandIgot
relievedtoseethatonehadtodowithwomenandtherolestheytookintherevolutionarywar.
Thetaskwassimple
itwaslargelyarecitationofthematerialwehavelearnedinclass
.I
rememberedwritingsomeinformationofitinmynotes,readingaboutitinthetextbook,andme
beingawomanandafeministthoughtthatchoosingthetopicaboutwomenwasgoingtobe
smoothsailing.IstartedwritingdownonthesideofthepaperalistofthethingsIknewthat
womendidduringtherevolutionarywarandcameupwithatleast6ofthem.ThefirstmistakeI
madewastosimplylistthosethingsthroughoutmyessayandnotgoingintodetailabouteach.I
nowrealizethatjustlistingthingsdidnotmakemelooksmartorshowedthatIknewmoreofthe
materialbutmademywritinglookandsoundbland.
IstartedthefirstsentenceoftheessaywithWomentookmanyrolesintherevolutionwhich
doesn'thaveahooktoitatall.Rightoffthebatmyessaymustofsoundeduninterestingtothe
readerandtheonlyreasonthatitwasconfinedtobereadwasbecausethereaderwasmy

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professorandheneededtogradeit.Ilistedthedifferentjobswomenhadduringtherevolutionin
myintroductionwhichwasaredflagbecauseIshouldn'thavelistedthem,butsavedeachone
formybodyparagraphsandgoneintodetailabouthowthosejobsmadeadifference.Reading
myintroductionnowI'mnotabletopredictwhatIwroteinthebodyparagraph(s)andthat'show
IknowI'vefailedtouseanarrativestyleefficientlyinmyessay
whichwashowitwasinstructed
tobewrittensincewehadtoaddalittleofourviewsandopinionsofthematerialattheend.
EventhoughIonlyhadfourparagraphs,Iusedthefiveparagraphessayformula.Whilethe
essaywastimedIstillfeltthatbyfollowingthatformula,Iwaslimitedinmywriting.Justlike
MarieFoley(232)statesinUnteachingTheFiveParagraphEssay,Thefabricatedstructure
invitesstudentstofillthefiveslotswithwhattheyalreadyknow,thusoftendeprivingthemof
thepleasureofdiscoveringnewideas.IfoundmyselfwithsometimeleftoverbutIthought
thatsinceIalreadyhadmyrequisitepoints,introduction,andconclusion,thatIwastherefore
done.IfeellikeIwould'vereceivedabettergradeifIhadbrokeoutoftheformulaandadded
oneortwomoreparagraphsgoingintodetailabouttheevidenceofchangethatwomenhadon
therevolutionarywarandotherkeyaspectsofit.
Somefeedbackonmyessaywashowdidwomenbecomepolitical?,toaddboycotts,
alreadysaidthis,evidenceofchange?,andfinallywaytoomuchmissinghere.Now
lookingbackandreadingmyessayIseethatitwaspoorlywrittenandIjumpedintotheprompt
withoutanywritingstyleinmindorclearprocessofwhatIwasgoingtodo.IthoughtI
understoodthepromptbutmaybeaskingforclarificationwouldofhelped.
Inthewordsof
NancySommers
,Goodwritingdisturbsitcreatesdissonance(Sommers387),that'sexactly
whatIfailedtoevokeinmyessay.EspeciallywiththepromptIchoseIcouldofmadethereader

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understandmyviewofitmebeingawomanwritingaboutdisprivilegedwomencouldofmade
myprofessorseethepathosbehindit.
Murraystates,
whotakesthenecessarystepback,studiestheworkcorrectly,returnstothetask,
stepsback,returns,stepsback,againandagain(Murray57).Thisquoteinthecoursereading
stuckouttomebecauseIdidn'ttakethatnecessarystepbackandrevisemyessaywhichwould
ofmadeallthedifference.IsawtheessayIwroteasmyfirstdraftanddidn'tfeellikeIneededto
gobackandreviseit,Ithoughtthatoncesomethingiswrittenthenthat'sit,whygobackand
checkit?IwassowrongtohavethatmindsetbecauseIshould'veseenthatasazerodraftlike
PeterF.Druckercallsitandgonebacktorereaditandseewhereitneededimprovement.Idon't
eventhinkIwentbacktorereadmyessayatall.Iwouldofdonethingssodifferentlyfor
example,organizemypoints/ideassothattheparagraphswouldflowneatly.Ialsofeltlikea
paragraphneededtobeacertainlengthandretainedtoaddmoreinformationthereforeleavinga
lotofthingsoutIwould'vechangedthatandwentfullinwitheverydetailIknewinaparagraph
regardlessofthelength.
Inconclusion,Ishould'vewrittenmyessaylikeastory,guidingthereaderwhilealsohooking
theminwithaprovokingopening,thebabystepswomentookatthebeginningoftherevolution,
theriseofwomen,allthewaytohowitimpactedtheworldtoday.Sincemyprofessorwrote
evidenceofchange?atthebottomofmyessayIbelievehemeantthatIshouldofnotonly
writtenaboutthetimeduringtherevolutionbuttheimpactwomencausedafteraswell.Ifailed
tomakemyreaderseemywritingasajourney,wherethere'sabeginning,middle,andendbut
insteadIwasallovertheplace.WhenIgotbackmyessayIsawthatIhadreceiveda68/100.It
didhitmeharshlybecauseIknewitwasn'tgoodbutthisscoremademebelievethatIwas

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incompetentofwriting.TakingEnglish5hasexposedmeasastudentwritertoavarietyof
differentwritingstylesandhasbeenavitalhelptomywritingprocessstrategiesforfuture
writing.NowwhenIwriteItrytoseethepromptfromallanglesanditspastandfuturetoonot
onlyitspresent.

Workcited:
Foley,Marie.UnteachingtheFiveParagraphEssay.
TeachingEnglishintheTwoYear
College
16.4(1989):231235.

Murray,DonaldM.TheMakersEye:RevisingYourOwnManuscripts.
TheMcGrawHill
Reader:
IssuesAcrossTheDisciplines.

Ed.GilbertH.Muller.NewYork:CUNY,2002.5660

Sommers,NancyI.RevisionStrategiesofStudentWritersandExperiencedAdultWriters.
CollegeCompositionandCommunication
31.4.(December1980)Washington,D.C.:National
InstituteofEducation,1982.Print.378388.