Revision Matrix

WP2: 4AM Thoughts

Text from my
initial WP
submission:
(a phrase,
sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move,
punctuation,
piece of
evidence, etc.)

An observation
or question I
received from De
Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote:
(ie, the
change[s] I
made to column
1)

How this change

impacts my
paper:

In Insomnia
Cures for
Teenagers Who
Cant Sleep, a
non-academic
Tumblr text, it
explains
insomnia through
a different point
of view and
offers a solution.

You haven't
mentioned
anything about
the (different)
points of view
yet, Jasmine.
Worth
mentioning,
briefly, what
their different
perspectives
are?

In Insomnia
Cures for
Teenagers Who
Cant Sleep, a
non-academic
Tumblr text, it
explains
insomnia through
a personal point
of view and
offers a solution
while academic
texts offer an
instructive
perspective.

Instead of being
vague and just
saying
something
without going
into any detail, I
changed my
sentence to show
the different
points of view in
the two types of
genres. This
impacted my
paper in that if
allowed me to
further lead to
my argument in
my thesis.

In order to
achieve this
purpose, it uses
different
rhetorical
features and
conventions.

Which ones? This

is a super-broad
claim.

In order to
achieve this
purpose, it uses
different
rhetorical
features and
conventions such
as detail, precise
diction, ethos,
and logos.

Adding the
specific
conventions that
I was going to
explain in my
paragraph
allowed the
reader to better
understand what
to expect in what
I was going to
include in my

paragraph.
This form of
detail is not in
imagery but in
numbers. It gives
statistical results
and facts that
furthers
knowledge in the
topic of
insomnia.

Tell me more
about this data.
What is it,
exactly? How
does it compare
to the other
pieces?

Through this fact

the reader is able
to understand
how many
people suffer
from insomnia.
Compared to a
sentence saying
most people
suffer from
insomnia
compared to this
sentence, it
differs greatly for
this is specific
and concise.

I added more
about how data
is important in
scientific writing
instead of just
declaring a
statement. I
really thought
about the role
data plays in this
type of writing
and what it
achieves. This
furthered
understanding of
the purpose of
why data is used.

This use of detail

allows the reader
to know the
exact
information as
well as credible
data.

Can you work in

a transition from
the previous
paragraph (and
the ideas in it) to
this paragraph
(and the ideas in
it)?Put another
way: why place
this paragraph
*here*?
How/why does it
build off of the
last one?
Dropping that
kind of
language/explan
ation into your
sentence here
could help me
see how the
parts fit together
-- that is, how
your argument is
unfolding.

This use of detail

allows the reader
to know the
exact
information as
well as credible
data especially
when used with
precise diction.
Clear cut diction
used with detail
allows for more
understanding
since it is now
more specific
than before.
These two
conventions
share the same
purpose of
sharing explicit
facts.

Jumping from
convention to
convention in
each paragraph
was hard for me
to connect the
transitions. When
I thought about
what each
transition was
trying to achieve
it allowed me to
understand that
they played the
same purpose of
improving
knowledge, this
allowed me to
transition it to
each other and
relate them
together before I
started a new
paragraph so my
reader can have
the connection.

Another reason
behind the
diction is to allow
for advance
knowledge and
further educate
the reader in all
aspects.

Two thoughts:
1, Can you
extend this
thought further?
(Just using "big
words" helps
advance
knowledge?)
2, Does this
relate back to
your central
argument/

Logos,
argument from
reason, usually
appeals to an
audiences
intellectual side
(Carroll 52), is
also commonly
used, as seen
through use of
data and facts
such as The
typical adult

How/why is this
evidence of
logos?

Another reason
behind the
diction is to allow
for advance
knowledge and
further educate
the reader in all
aspects. The
reader reads this
article to gain full
knowledge of
this topic. This
article is so
dense and
complete that
usually by the
end of this
article, the
reader has a
comprehensive
familiarity with
the subject. The
diction used is
detailed because
it needs to
describe the
topic in detail. It
aims to include
every fact in its
full form.

The purpose of
this paragraph is
to describe the
role of diction in
scientific articles
and how that
accomplishes the
purpose. The
diction is very
complex and the
choice of words
is very precise. I
continued this
thought by going
into further
knowledge into
why that is and
what that
accomplishes

This is logos
because it is
giving data and
then explaining it
thus reasoning to
the reader.
Statistics creates
the effect of
credibility and a
strong argument
because it
furthers the
understanding of

Instead of just
stating
something
general. I explain
my reasoning
behind my
statement. This
is important
because instead
of just giving my
argument I
define it for the
reader to

circadian period
is 24.1 hours,
compared to an
adolescents
circadian period
of 24.27 hours;
this longer
period makes it
easier for the
bedtime to shift
later (Hersher
and Cherrin)
The use of data
creates the
effect of
credibility and a
strong argument
because it
furthers the
understanding of
insomnia and
gives explicit
details

Can you go a
step further, past
"they use
statistics"? What
*kinds* of stats?

The audience
can determine
the type of
language used,
formality of the
discourse, and
medium or
delivery of the
rhetoric. (Carroll
49).

Id advise you to
refrain from
using freefloating quotes
(ie, sentences
that start and
end with a
quote). The
reader is
probably going to
be left
wondering, Who
is saying/citing

How do these
different folks
attempt to
understand
insomnia in
different ways???
What do they
find important??

insomnia and
gives explicit
details

understand and
why I am saying
what I am.

The statistics
given usually
explain who are
affected and how
many, this is
given in numbers
or by
percentages.
After giving this
statistic, they go
on to say why
there is this
number. They
attempt to
understand
insomnia through
scientific facts

Throughout this
paper one major
problem I have is
stating
something
without saying
my reasoning
behind it. I said
that statistics
further the
argument and I
never explained
how. I added this
section on to
explain what
statistics are
used and why
the help educate
the reader.

Its important to
understand the
expectations of
the audience for
that determines
what content the
writer should
include. The
audience can
determine the
type of language
used, formality of
the discourse,

I did not
transition to this
quote and thus
left the reader
wondering why it
is put there. I
added a
sentence the
explains why this
quote is
important which
is to say that
understanding

this, and
how/why is it
relevant?
Wheres it
coming from?
Try to introduce
the quote and
give it context.

and medium or
delivery of the
rhetoric. (Carroll
49).

the audience is
vital to the
paper. Alluding
to the quote
allowed my
quote to provide
another source
that agrees with
my argument.

The author chose

to use a
definition to
begin their
article and
hopefully attract
the reader. This
is to create
interest by
having an
introduction that
is different than
the normal.

How do the ideas

in the two
sentences/paragr
aphs relate to
one another?

This differs
from the
scientific article
because the
scientific article
doesnt need to
create interest
since the reader
is reading it
because they
want to. The
Tumblr post
doesnt have the
incentive from
the reader
therefore has to
create it by using
a hook.

I did not connect

how this
paragraph
supports my
main argument
originally. I
changed this by
comparing it to
my earlier topic
of scientific
articles and
creating a
connection
between the two.

Imagery is seen
in the Tumblr
post as, cozy
atmosphere and
avoid annoying
breezes that slip
under doorways
or available
windows that
allow in summer
time warmth.

How do the ideas

in the two
sentences/paragr
aphs relate to
one another?
How are they
connected??

Another
difference in
Tumblr posts
compared to
scientific articles
is that it uses
imagery instead
of facts.

The paragraphs
were not
connected at all.
This may confuse
the reader and
lead them away
from the topic. I
connected the
paragraphs by
allowing them to
lead on to each
other. I
compared the
two forms of
articles and
showed how
imagery is

Imagery is seen
in the Tumblr
post as, cozy
atmosphere and
avoid annoying
breezes that slip
under doorways
or available
windows that

allow in summer
time warmth.

another different
convention used.