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Discovering Family Constellations therapy with Marine has been one of the most profound
experiences of my healing path, allowing me to recognize and move on from the limits of
inherited family patterns in a way that is beyond words. Marine is a gifted and compassionate
facilitator, and reading about her own journey with Family Constellations is fascinating. I also
love the practical exercises she has included throughout her book, which open the door to
anybody invested in learning to understand and accept the unique family history that has brought
them to this place in their personal evolution. Ruby Warrington, The Numinous
This book by Marine Slne serves as an excellent introduction to the power of family
constellations therapy interwoven with the author's personal story and healing exercises for the
reader to do on his/her own. Full disclosure: I am acquainted with the author and have
participated in a number of her family constellations sessions. She is a light and an intuitive, kind
soul. Having said this, I am an avid reader and interested in many therapeutic modalities, so I feel
like I can spot a fake when I see one! Marine is the real deal: insightful, compassionate and clear
in her truth-telling. This book is a great beginning and I look forward to future tomes as she
continues to work with people in this context... In the meantime, if you are interested in family
constellations therapy, or on healing therapies in general, this book is worth the read. Isabelle

The Universe works so beautifully. An amazing person, Michelle Blechner that I am honored to
have her as my teacher and healer, suggested I read Marines book, "The Movement", to help me
understand more about the process of Family Constellations. As soon as I started reading it, I had
tears in my eyes feeling Marine's love during her writing. I couldn't put the book down until I
finished, as she explained in such a loving, and easy way how Family Constellations changed her
life and at the same time, how the system works. This book is a great healing tool for anyone.
Thank you Marine, I am so grateful for your work. Peggy
I am just finishing this very important and inspiring book. It is for lay people, psychotherapists,
coaches, anyone and everyone who might venture into the transformational knowing field of
Family Constellations. The process is deeply meaningful and I am starting now to use it with my
clients. This book has had a profound healing impact on me and just when I thought I had
unblocked the blocks...I found another one! While I subscribe to the law of karma and that
imprints have much to do with why we are compelled to do the things we do, Family
Constellations speaks to a process that can definitely be inclusive of our way of living. The
imprints from our parents and ancestors have a huge influence on our lives and unless we heal in
Love, we are destined to continue to repeat this same cycle of suffering. Thank you Marine
Slne for writing it. Well done. Malerie

The Movement
An authentic method to reconcile with your roots
and live the life you're meant to

Marine Slne

Dedicated to all the soul caretakers

There arent any unhappy adults, only misunderstood children.

Marine Slne

The author of this book is a qualified Family Constellations facilitator; she does not prescribe
medical advice or the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or
medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The authors
intent is to offer an introductory framework to the field of Family Constellations and general
information to help the reader in his/her quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event
the reader aims to personally use or apply the information in this book, the author and publisher
assume no responsibility.

All matters regarding health and familys issues should be consulted with appropriate
professionals like physicians. If you have chosen not to consult a licensed professional, you
acknowledge that you are participating at your own risk.
The author shall not be liable for any loss, injury, or damage allegedly arising from any
information or suggestion in this book.

Table of contents
An Encounter
Introduction: Life is a Collaboration of Ups & Downs
1 The Beginning
2 Imprint
Family tree
3 Sheltering the Inner Child
Family heritage
4 Order & Disorder
Create order
5 Continuity & Departure
A start depends on a finish
6 Bonding
Me in my place

7 Flow Back
8 Two Roots for One Seed
9 The Mother
The gift of life

10 The Father
The gift of life
11 Intimacy
12 The Bond: Love and Bonding are Different
Rock solid love
13 The Womb
The light that comes with mourning
14 The Interrupted Movement
Hold me tight
15 Adoption: Agreeing to What Is
16 We are all Different Together
You are. I am.
17 Root of All Evil
Scan your body
18 Feeding the Love
19 Birds in One Cage
Blossom by knowing your roots
20 Redirecting the Energy
Love them. Love their fate.

21 The Call of Ghosts

22 Survival Instinct
Forgiveness vs. Consenting
23 Who is Who?
Letter to let-her be
24 Toxic
A protective field
25 The Weight of Words
Fluid words
26 Money Motion
Abundance is a state of being
27 The Power of Dreams
Dream diary
28 Endless Movement
Love vision
29 Healing
Sparkling slivers
30 Harmony
Sheet music
31 Small Miracles and Moments of Grace
32 Surrender
Start anew

33 Commitment
Come meet me
References - Bibliography
Resources and Extra Support
About the Author

Marine called me for an energy reading. As I remember, what I read and strongly imprinted in
my mind was the word integrity, which seemingly contradicted the deep secrets I could detect
Marine was keeping; hermetically closed in her broken heart.
What I also envisioned that day via telephone, was the wealth of potential the young woman was
carrying: I just knew she could reach her authentic power and free the diamond hidden under the

rough rock. It would require a long journey into the dark nights of the soul, but it could be done.
I felt guided to take the challenge and act as a bridge: I invited her to join my weekly meditation
That following Wednesday, when exposed to her striking beauty and impressive presence, I was
relieved I already knew Marine's energy, or in other words her inner beauty and potential so I
could not be deceived by her perfect girl looks.
Her outer appearance was an easy distraction from her wounded soul and the deep sorrow that
she was hiding under her ice queen disguise and cool attitude.
The rest is history... and how I became deeply honored to influence Marine's ability to reestablish her "orders of love". Our relationship has had its moments: Marine often mirrored a
very young version of myself I spent many years to heal, but the deep bond we share has always
prevailed. Im proud to have been the catalyst to her

introduction to the Laws of Attraction and then, later on, Family Constellations.
When Marine moved to New York, I encouraged her to train with my friend and mentor Suzi
Tucker with whom I had just completed my own training. I knew Suzi would be the right fit for
Marine to continue to open and bloom as the flowers Bert Hellinger alludes to when he talks
about the many facilitators who find their way to the field and therefore benefit the process in
showing their own creativity. Marine gives us a taste of this in her very first literary attempt.
Today, I have the privilege to preface Marine's first book. I marvel at the clarity with which she
shares valuable information and offers tools to the growing community we witness in the United
States and rest of the world. The Movement is the perfect guide to get familiarized with the
approach; it also presents us with an original concept to look at the perpetual movement of life
and demonstrates how a Constellation follows the never-ending movement of the Soul.
Easy to follow, Marine's map of Family Constellations will help many to understand how
unconscious loyalties and entanglements they triggered can be healed by the "next chance child",
that is the one in the next generation who will seek answers; if as Marine has done, one is willing
to show courage and determination by stepping into the knowing field.
Michelle Blechner

An Encounter
The first day of the rest of my life happened randomly over tea time with one of my favorite
teachers, Michelle, a spiritual healer and joyologist as she likes to be called, and someone who
I consider to be like a maternal grandma to me.
Michelle was incredibly excited about a new discovery she had made during a trip to New York,
a method called Family Constellations.
Even though I couldnt entirely figure out what Family Constellations was or meant just yet, her
enthusiasm for it was so infectious that she got my full attention. Unknowingly, I was magnetized
to Family Constellations and I couldnt wait to experience it.
Later on, I would find that this day marked a turning point in my life.
A few weeks later, Michelle invited Natalie Berthold, a Family Constellations practitioner, to
facilitate some workshops at her place in Miami.
There were only four people in the first workshop. It was a small and private group, which was
perfect for me because I didnt know what to expect or how to act. I was very nervous but I have
to say that the professionalism and serene behavior of Natalie, my facilitator, helped me greatly to
trust her and the process.
Natalie asked what I wanted to work on. I said I wanted to attract the man of my life and figure
out why he was not here yet!

After asking a few more questions regarding my family history and dynamics, Natalie proposed I
choose one person to represent my mother and another person to represent my father. Then, I was
to place them both into what was being referred to as the field.
While I explain what a constellation is in the following chapters, we can start thinking of how the
Family Constellations process works through author and expert Joy Manns insights. In her book,
Family Constellations: A Practical Guide to Uncovering the Origins of Family Conflict, she
notes that the client sets up a constellation by placing the chosen representatives (sometimes
unknown to the client as to exactly who they represent) in certain spatial and directional
positions that represent their relationship with each other. Placing the representatives is an
intuitive process, done without thinking. After everyone is placed, the constellation emerges and
an autonomous energy field is created. Then, the client and representatives work through their
feelings in the field, as guided by the facilitators observations and questions, until a resolution is
reached or its clear that a resolution is not possible, which is a resolution in itself. What is a
resolution? The feeling of being unburdened in relation to the issue and other representatives that
was brought to light in the constellation field. It brings peace and contentment to the family
energy field, Mann states.
Going back to my first constellation, I dont remember who represented my mother but Charlie,
Michelles husband, represented my father. He was 90 at the time and had dementia. Charlie
was one of the sweetest men I have ever met and even though he couldnt remember what

happened just five minutes ago, he was an amazing representative.

When Charlie took his place as my father in the field, I was able to see my fathers soul through
his eyes. This deep connection was unexpected. How could Charlie represent my dad so well
without even knowing him or his background? I was speechless. All my fears surrounding this
new experience vanished immediately. In that moment, I was convinced something was happening
for my greater good.
Charlie was the perfect example to show that when you step into the field as a representative
(even with his dementia), you take on the energy, persona and true feelings of whoever you are
meant to.
For me, this was first proof of Family Constellations power. In the field, everyone is authentic
we speak and act out our true feelings rather than from our head or thoughts of what we should
do. We all benefit as soon as we connect with our heart, gut and intuition. We feel, experience,
resist and then consent to what is with love.
My first Family Constellations session lasted 40 minutes. The field showed me a truth I did not
want to see I was afraid of love and therefore, my future partner. Family Constellations
showed me that my heart was broken and I needed to repair it first.
Imagine my disappointment on one level, yet on another one, the immense relief to have a
solution. I had to work on myself, love myself and heal my past before I could find love. This
solution was my responsibility alone and it gave me strength to keep going.

After that first time, I did many Family Constellations sessions for my own healing journey. Along
the way, I started studying the Family Constellations approach so I could become a facilitator as
My life changed course. I no longer wanted to be in PR, I wanted to go back to my studies and
embrace this new career, as an integrative coach, specializing in Family Constellations. My prior
study and background in psychology helped prime me for this new path, which instantly felt
empowering and meaningful. This is how I started dedicating my life to serve others.
For me, Family Constellations was an epiphany. All of the secrets and burdens that bothered me
were finally revealed through love. In the field, I rebirthed.
To summarize the Family Constellations approach, I would say that each family has a heritage that
passes down from generation to generation. We share the same last name and sometimes even the
first name as our family members or ancestors; as well as the same bloodline, roots, culture and
stories. An invisible yarn links us all together and through this, we can feel things that we may
have never even personally experienced. Lets call this invisible yarn our loyal, internal family
Our negative behaviors and situations are often entangled with our family system dynamics that
have not yet been recognized. If we stay in these underlying entanglements, they will move into
the next generation.
Family Constellations is a way to break this chain of blind

Family Constellations enables us to open our eyes to this secret or unknown pattern at work in our
family. With this new awareness and perspective, we can free ourselves from entanglements we
may have with current and previous family members and find new ways to navigate. We will
learn why we repeat certain negative, antagonistic behaviors. We will release negative patterns.
We will analyze any issues blocking our way. We will cry. We will smile. We will feel
oppressed and experience feelings we dont want to face for the last time. Then, we will
experience new feelings that lead us to a new, beautiful and safe place. We will breathe again.
We will trust again. We will love again. We will believe in ourselves again. Our ancestors have
our back throughout this entire challenging journey. We will never be alone in the process.
Remember, The essential is invisible to the eyes, as Antoine de St Exupery expressed. Our
ancestors are here, even though we cant see them.
Family Constellations will bring love back into our life, mind and body. Then, it is up to us to
nurture this newfound love and sense of self. Its a commitment, not a miracle remedy.
My wish is that one-day; we will all experience fulfillment within. This means we finally
integrate the lesson that the past is the past and more importantly, that our story from the past
does not define who we are. Our story can mean holding onto those negative thoughts,
behaviors, or events we experienced to justify our current behaviors, addictions and why we
cant take responsibility for our lives. For example, the story could be I cant get close to
anyone because my mom never showed me love or how to

do it. Or I cant make money in my career because my parents never had enough money, so I
dont know how or I feel guilty [that is, for being successful or outshining parents]. Another
story could be Im aggressive and dominant towards men because my father treated my mother
like nothing, so I take revenge for her honor. These stories are often unconscious and ones we
arent aware of.
We are the only one who can define ourselves. Whatever happened to us before we must mourn
it, accept it and then keep living our life to the fullest. Lets become the person we want to be and
tell ourselves what we are capable of doing. We are in charge of our life, our destiny and can
choose the life we want to live.
This breakthrough will be a tremendous moment. It will be the beginning of something new a
rebirth and I urge us all to embrace it.
Ultimately, Family Constellations is a process of rebirthing.
A rebirth of love, truth and acceptance.
Family Constellations has changed my life.
While I believe the best way to truly feel the impact and power of Family Constellations is to
directly experience a constellation, there is much to learn from studying Bert Hellinger, the
founder of Family Constellations, and his observations treating families and individuals for more
than 50 years with this approach.
I have included a list of recommended books and resources in the appendix for those who are
interested to learn more about Family Constellations.
Marine Slne

If there is a book you really want to read but it hasnt been written yet, then you must write
Toni Morrison

Life is a Collaboration of Ups & Downs
When I was younger, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents during family vacations in a town
called Carnac in Brittany, France, famous for its dolmens.

Their home had a beautiful, blue porch swing on the patio, which was my own little heaven on
Perched on this porch, buoyed by its gentle rocking movements, I clocked up many precious
memories tea time with my dolls, breakfasts with grandma and naps with grandpa, to name a
few. These fond memories helped me through challenging times later on.
If I felt unhappy, all I had to do was jump on my swing and instantly, my sadness was gone! The
rhythm of the porch swing had this magical power to instantly calm me. It was a pleasant
reminder of when my mother cradled me.
The porch was my safe place. When I started doing therapy, I used this place as a visual comfort
blanket for my mind.
Life itself is a movement that goes up and down. When we think we have it all figured out, our
life will move again, placing us in front of a new obstacle or opportunity that requires our full
attention. Even though it is for our best, sometimes we can feel challenged, afraid, angry, lost or
even resistant towards this new experience. We might want to give up, walk away from this new
stage or let our ego take over. Yet we can overcome a new challenge and create something great
from it.

If we are still skeptical, at this point, I would invite us to reflect on our past for a few minutes
what have we already achieved in our life?
After this short retrospection, please, lets congratulate ourselves on our own unique journey so
I have been through many challenges and opportunities and all of them, positive and negative,
made me who I am today. These experiences allowed me to discover and become familiar with
my own life expression.
I met extraordinary people who gave me great tools and advice to keep going on my healing
journey or movement, as I like to say.
My mother was my first wonderful person. She always supported me and tried her best. My mom
was my strength and hope when I only saw darkness.
Then, I crossed the path of Emmanuelle Barr, a specialist in Eye Movement Desensitization and
Reprocessing (EMDR)*.
EMDR is a comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach that combines elements of
various psychotherapy treatments psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal,
experiential, and body-centered therapies in a structured way for maximum effect.
We worked together for three years. Emmanuelle allowed me to reveal my true feelings and speak
my truth. She was incredible. I will always feel a special connection with her.

After I moved to Miami, I met Michelle Blechner. She became my teacher on my spiritual
journey. She introduced me to Abraham Hicks, the Laws of Attraction, meditation and Family
Constellations. At first, Michelle made my head spin! I didnt understand what she was talking
about. Finally, one day, I woke up and all her teachings made sense to me. She is the one who
taught me to love myself as I am.
I will always remember when Michelle introduced me to Family Constellations. She was so
excited about it! She sung its praises: Marine, you have to try [it]! Its terrific! I was speechless!
I couldnt believe it!
For Michelle, Family Constellations was the missing link. For me, it was the beginning of a new
movement, an empowering movement that set up a tremendous life change.
Michelle was right. I was speechless after my first constellation. It blew my mind. In one session,
I understood so many things. I realized that this method was the final touch for my healing journey.
I was ready to accept my past and my different experiences. Family Constellations helped me
follow through. It was intense. I did many constellations. I cried a lot but every time, it was
followed by the same beautiful feeling: serenity. I released tons of bullshit, false beliefs, issues
and burdens. Step by step, I realigned my own movement to be true to myself. I dropped my heavy
weights. I liberated myself! Such a powerful sense of freedom!

Then one day, I felt the call to become a Family Constellations facilitator. I followed my intuition
and completed the Guided Learning course with Suzi Tucker at the Bert Hellinger Institute in New
York City, USA, where I started spreading the word about this tremendous approach.
I have facilitated numerous constellations now and every time, its a personal revelation. I feel so
honored to be part of the clients process. When they get their resolution, its always an
illuminating moment where even I feel the love that is coming back into their life. I love
witnessing their movement. I love seeing their enlightened face, thanks to the release of so many
I am truly passionate about Family Constellations. I have read widely to deepen my knowledge of
this practice and found that two key ideas form the crux of Bert Hellingers overall philosophy on
Family Constellations: firstly, the profound movement of bringing love back into the family
system, and secondly, that if there is one central key in life, it is Love.
In my book, I have added all the ingredients I gathered during my healing journey to create a
multi-layered recipe (a hint of this and a dash of that!); blending various techniques with Family
Constellations theory at the core. I hope it will give us the desire to go back into our past one
more time in order to move forward into our present, as well as find great ideas that we can
personalize for our own healing journey.

Because as soon as we know where we come from and entirely accept it, we can move onto our
lifes path in full swing.
Its only a small adjustment, but this only could make a huge difference in our life. Grab this
chance to deeply embrace the feeling of completion and achievement through knowing our roots.
I believe everyone deserves to live a happy life and embrace their purpose with excitement and
presence. Remember that life is supposed to be Fun!
My book is divided into 33 chapters to resemble the 33 vertebrae that make up our spine. Our
brain resides in our spine, which is why the spine can become twisted, arched or imprisoned to
support itself and the brains directives. Like a trees stump, we need our spine to grow up
straight while staying grounded in our world.
After reading my book, metaphorically, the spine will be completeand therefore holistically,
the brain that aligns with it. I truly love this image of having a beautiful, noble and strong spine as
a strong and noble family tree.
One last thing writing this book in English was a challenge! Three extraordinary women helped
and supported me during the long yet exciting process.
Alison Savary, Suzi Tucker and Sophie Coleman; thank you all so much for your trust, patience
and great insights. Without you all, this exciting new adventure wouldnt have been the same. I
bow to each one of you.

I wish you a delightful discovery of Family Constellations; maybe one day we will even share the
same field.
When the field enlightens your shadows, dont be afraid or run away from them. Be assured that
behind your shadows, there is your Love, waiting for you. Reach out for this Love and bring it
back into your life. This is what I call the Movement. The Movement of Love.
Marine Slne
* For more information about EMDR, please refer to the reading list in the appendix.

A little girl with a yellow dog, holding a red balloon was walking into the streets

To my parents, I could not have had better parents than you. I love you.

The Beginning
This first chapter provides the backbone to my healing journey and why I dedicated my life to
Family Constellations. Every following chapter will then highlight the most common patterns we
see in Family Constellations.
I was born into a wealthy, wonderful family. While we had our share of infidelity, alcoholism,
depression, gambling and so on, these issues never seemed to perturb our gleaming smiles. We
looked picture perfect on the outside but behind this, the story was different. The truth is, we are
good soldiers in my family. We take care of our afflicted members and that always engendered
respect by our neighbors, colleagues and friends. This is how my family system worked until I
stuck my nose in.
Did I break this beautiful image? Perhaps. I was simply trying to reorder things with love. I
wanted to release the secrets and pain that my beautiful family of soldiers had been carrying for a
long time. As my teacher Suzi Tucker said, Every child is a next best chance to realign the
family system. I guess I took my mission very seriously.
Why did I have this urge? Lets say that I wanted to understand where all the suffering and
burdens came from. The beautiful picture of my family didnt fool me. I felt uneasy sometimes and
for me, this was a clue that there was a chink in my family system. I was determined to find and
repair it.
At first, my main concern was my fathers side of the family, which seemed to be in great
disorder. The pieces of

the puzzle were all over the place and I wanted to understand why. Despite the information I
gleaned during adolescence, it was not enough for me. My knowledge of his family was cruelly
lacking for me. This hindered my ability to reconstruct my family story. I was determined to get
answers. Why was he so uncomfortable with his mother? Why did my grandfather disappear?
Why was my father so nostalgic and hypersensitive? Why was my father not a normal father?
Why didnt my grandmother love me but so admired my brother?
I completed the pieces of my family puzzle over 15 years, helped largely by Family
Constellations. When I placed the last piece, I felt whole and complete. I didnt get all of the
answers but I found everything I needed to know, which allowed me to make peace with where I
came from.
When I was introduced to Family Constellations, I saw it as a way to heal my family and myself,
as well as a means to reconnect with my father. My first Family Constellation blew me away. I
worked on relationship issues, convinced my problems with men only related to my father. I was
wrong. My mother and lineage of women in my family also played an important role in my love
life. Unconsciously of course, they were still very present and invisible ghosts for me at that time.
For me, the most magical, impactful part of the field was how it revealed the truth with respect
and love. There was no judgment or blame in the field, only love. In this sudden, new harmony, I
experienced profound relief; automatically followed by the thought I want to be part of this.
I fell in love with Family Constellations and had a strong desire to become a facilitator firmly
planted inside me. My

three main teachers: Mark Wolynn, Michelle Blechner and Suzi Tucker. I would also like to
honor all of the people I have worked with as a participant in the field for their different
interpretations of me and my family, which were always on point. Thanks to them, I was able to
clean up my story! Suzi Tucker was my mentor in my learning process and helped guide me
from where I was, to where I needed to go. I truly admire this woman for her vulnerability, where
her strength resides. I was captivated by her facility to conduct a constellation. She would float
into the field instead of merely enter.
My respect for Suzi grew even stronger on May 10th, 2014. Finally, after many different therapies,
Suzi was able to liberate my destructive pain. I am convinced that without all of the other
therapists and healers who took care of me before however, that I wouldnt have been able to
face what I had to face during this constellation.
When I registered for her Guided Learning course, I told Suzi my story. I felt it was important she
knew, so that I didnt have to talk about it again in front of a group.
A few workshops happened before I was willing to work on my issue. After approaching her,
Suzi responded to my request with I was waiting for you. A few minutes later, we were setting
up my constellation.
I picked someone to represent me. Then, she asked one man to enter the field. With my
representative, the issue appeared right away. After five minutes, Suzi asked if I was ready to
take my place. I was. In front of this guy, all of my suffering rose to the surface. It was violent,
cruel, and fierce; I could barely breathe and stand. Suzi asked all the women in the group to stand
behind me. Still, it was not

enough for me to stand up. My knees were weak. I could feel they wanted to split. I was crying
and screaming that I needed my mom. This pain was consuming and burning my entire self, while
simultaneously I trusted the process. I guess at this exact moment, Suzi understood that I clearly
needed my mother and she went into my field to represent her. I will always remember the
strength of this tiny woman holding me like my mother would have done. For the first time in my
life, I was facing my traumatic event with a strong person, my mother, holding me. It allowed me
to release my tears, my pain, my rage and my anger. I was freeing myself from this devil and it felt
so empowering. It took me 15 minutes or maybe more to start breathing again, slowly and calmly.
Suzi never stopped holding me with this particular, fierce strength.
Finally, my pain ended.
It took me 15 years to free my body and mind from being sexually abused at the age of 13. It was
my secret, my scar, my heavy weight. I never told anyone about it. When I was around 15, I
shared a few clues with my parents; however I also didnt want them to know. After all, this had
taken place on the trip that was meant to build a strong future for me: it was an exceptional gift
from my parents to have the opportunity to become bilingual. It was true love. How could I ruin
After the sexual abuse happened, I had a blackout and kept pretending I was a regular teenager. I
was pretty good at it. I had lovers but never good ones. By choosing the wrong man every time, I
kept on punishing myself. In my mind, I deserved it.

After my last important relationship (and marriage) ended, I made the decision to fall back in love
only when I was entirely healed. I was a young woman, exhausted by love and men. I was fed up
repeating the same behaviors and attracting violent, cheating or alcoholic partners. I finally chose
myself, on April 10th, 2009, to be exact.
After a few years of intense healing, I found myself again and truly became I.
For this reason, today, I am able to talk and write about my experiences. I made peace with that
part of my story. This occurrence does not define me. I am the one who defines me and this
understanding clearly improved and empowered my life.
Would I have become a facilitator and an integrative coach if I have not lived my past as it was
meant to be? I dont think so. I think the role of our past is to polish and prepare both our present
and future. All of those experiences brought me here today to New York. I am reopening my heart
more and more to love, as well making peace with my body. Sometimes, I tumble or feel dizzy;
nevertheless I know now that in my vulnerability resides my true strength, which is my true
How can we get over a rape or another traumatic event?
Our past events do not define us. We are born to shine.
I want to say that whatever happened, it was not our fault. Mourn this period and move on.
Somebody else needs us. Find this person. Be someone. Chest up my girl. Chest up my boy. Lets
be proud of ourselves. We deserve everything and more again.

Life goes on, influenced by our environment as much as aspects of our seen and unseen character.
I have no idea how I survived. I only know that my little girl Marine was determined to live. My
little girl had a bigger, better picture for me and she put her feet in mine, which gave me support
to keep on walking, even when I was crawling.
I believe it doesnt matter how we make it; what truly matters is our willpower to move beyond
failure and our determination to nurture the feeling that we have the right to live fully.
My inner child showed me the way to Family Constellations. The adult became one of its students
and facilitators.
For the past three years now, I have dedicated my life to becoming a better integrative coach and
facilitator every day.
With an open heart and strong desire to be fully authentic with my words, I dedicate my book to
all of us who want to heal and live life to the fullest. My book is here to show us ways to bring
trust, faith and love back.
Our choice of way doesnt matter, as long as we enjoy the ride.
As many healers say: healing is a journey, not a destination.

With love,
Marine Slne

In remembering the truth of where we came from,

we become more open to the truth of who we are.
Marianne Williamson

The first thing we learn in Family Constellations is the importance of acknowledging, respecting
and accepting our family as it is. This approach encourages us to accept and respect our past,
instead of disowning or romanticizing it.
As my teacher Suzi Tucker says, You can run or merge with it, it will be the same thing. You are
still not looking toward the life to come because what has past still transfixes you.
Family Constellations is a way to give us total freedom to choose the life we want to live and to
follow our destiny, without being held back by our lineage.
We belong to our family. I would also add that we belong to our community, culture, country and
the countries of our ancestors. When we honor this full package given to us by our previous
family generations, we experience a steady and powerful strength.
In Family Constellations, an image or role play is set up to illustrate that Dad is behind us on our
right side and Mom is behind us on our left side. Both of them are followed by their own parents,
grandparents and ancestors behind

them in the same pattern. This is an influential image that can imprint and affect our life for the
I was born in France. Even though my parents are both French, on my fathers side, my origins are
a nicely charged melting pot of three different countries: Prussia, Germany and Argentina.
I was raised by my parents and mainly by my mothers side of the family, who were very present
in my life.
At my parents wedding, my dad only had a few guests including just one family member: his
mom. The rest were all from my mothers side.
I knew my fathers mother but we were not very close.
For as long as I can remember, I was always clueless and full of questions about my paternal
lineage. I always felt that something was missing in my life.
My father, who I would describe as a mysterious and secretive person, would sometimes tell us
things about his childhood, but not much. Those rare moments when he did talk about his past
were very solemn and a privilege for me. When he shared his stories, I felt more accepted and
trusted by him. I felt that I was part of his life. But, still those little pieces of his story were not
enough for me.
I was ready to solve the mystery of my fathers lineage on my own; for me, it was like the board
game Clue, asking more and more questions to try and solve the enigma!
I was convinced that one day, I would bring my family together and finally my dad would be at
peace. I was

wrong. I understood it a few years ago that the past is the past and we cant do anything about it,
except accept it as it is, without any resentment or pain.
We dont have enough energy to live in the present and still try to resolve our past. If we keep
going back to our past, we will probably not be as happy as we could be on this Earth.
Unfortunately, my parents got divorced when I was 23 and my quest of solving the enigma brutally
ended. My dad decided to cut himself off from my brother and I then.
I was upset and angry towards him, albeit in a passive way. Then, this anger moved towards my
mother and finally to myself. What did I do wrong?
A lot of invasive thoughts and questions swirled in my mind, an intense roundabout that seemed to
have no end. I wanted to understand. I wanted to find answers. I wanted to see my father. I was
lost. I was confused about our sense of family belonging. Werent we supposed to be always
together? No matter what happened
The truth is family blood doesnt give us an automatic, unlimited connection. We can share the
same blood with our family members, yet our family can be toxic for our well-being sometimes,
so we need to detach ourselves from this bond with respect and find a new current with other
people. Its not always easy and pleasant to go through this process and shift onto another
vibration, but it can be a crucial step to take in order to have a happier life.
In all that confusion and endless questions without answers, a miracle happened.

In the end, my parents divorce sparked me to find my purpose and how I could serve the world.
Even though it took me a few years to understand the blessing in their divorce, thanks to that time
full of foggy, blurry situations, I gained the distance I needed to understand and make peace with
my father, giving birth to a bright new dawn. Then after eight years of silence, I finally
reconnected in a beautiful, unpredictable way with my father.
My father did not have an easy start in life. His dad abandoned him and my fathers dream of
becoming a pilot never came true.
His life seemed to repeat this pattern of rejection until he met my mom. His wife was his rock, a
chance to live instead of merely surviving. My parents formed this rare couple where no words
were needed to see that true love existed between them. How could I imagine that one day they
were going to divorce?
In my mind, my parents separation was impossible, even though sometimes during my childhood
I asked mom to divorce him because he had been mean and severe with me. As a child, this could
be quite common Im sure!
From my new perspective as a facilitator now, I can see why the divorce was inevitable in a way.
There was a missing piece in the family system and life will always find a new path to fill this
hole and heal it.
Of course, in leaving us, my father ended up doing to his children exactly what had been done to
him. He repeated the pattern of his first, most profound rejection of

abandonment by his father, carrying this forward in the system from inheritance to legacy.
A few months after the divorce, it was my turn to leave my country and therefore, my family. My
place was not in France anymore and I had this urge to move on and close this chapter of my life.
I wanted to break free from my family. I couldnt handle the new love of my mom, the suffering of
my brother and, as the icing on the cake, I had married and it was a disastrous relationship! So I
ran away. I needed to breathe! I hit rock bottom. The good news, I later learned, is that once we
hit rock bottom, up is the next logical direction! It may take days, months or even years but we
will make it. I know this because I made it!
For a long time, I oscillated between desperation and joy. One day, I was a mess; the next, a
tidy one. I was fighting for my present life, trying to build something from all the ruins of my
past. It was impossible to manage. Everything was frustrating. I was looking for my place and
role in my family and society. Thankfully, on this dark road, I met great people and discovered so
many new teachings, two especially that imprinted my recovery the most the Laws of Attraction
and Family Constellations.
Finally, these teachings gave me a concrete solution. I was able to see the light at the end of the
tunnel. It took a while to peel away the different layers of my suffering, but every new tiptoe
forward brought me closer to my rebirth.
The fireworks and final touch for my rebirth happened in New York. The move from Miami
helped me to quickly finish my healing work. I built strong foundations to ground me in my new
life, allowing me to reach my dreams and expand my career.

For this reason, I chose to serve others. I believe my past and all of my experiences are actually
my best business card to be a legitimate, authentic life coach and healer, which is very
important for me.
Those years focused on my own personal healing reinforced my sense of belonging to my family.
My healing showed me where I came from, so that I could move forward into my present moment.
It taught me that nothing lasts, neither the good nor the bad. Everything can become love in a
minute; its a matter of choice and claiming another perspective.
All of us are part of a Family Constellation. Every member of our family can be seen as a star.
With his or her own means, every person illuminates something. They share their story. The story
may be clumsy, violent, disappointing, funny, hilarious, loving, tender, dramatic, but be reassured
that every act and behavior comes from only one place: the place of love.
Honor and bow to each member of the family.
When we will feel depressed, angry, sad and so on, lean on the family. They will support us.
They will send us enough love to overcome whatever the issue is. The only behavior that allows
us to honor our ancestors in all their power is trust. Know that they are strong enough to take care
of us. We dont need to turn our back to our present to check if they are still there. They are. The
best way to feel their presence is to close our eyes and let them surround us.
Can you feel this wave of power and love?

All of this work and recognition leads to an absolute truth that everything and everyone is
perfectly placed.
Everything is in order.
Lets keep going on our task of healing -- and always keep going again.
We are protected. We are loved. We are trusted.
Affirmations can be a useful support through important life changes.
I have included affirmations that are specifically designed to help with the issues raised in each
chapter. Choose the affirmations that resonate with you the most and leave the rest.
We will start by recognizing and accepting your place in your family system:
I belong to my family system.
I only know myself through you.
I am your daughter/son. I am your sister/brother. I am your mother/father.
--If you feel any discomfort, tension or resentment, you can create other affirmations or stop for a

Family Tree
I have included a short exercise or reflection at the end of each chapter to help our self-discovery,
as well as clarify situations that we may not have fully understood when they first happened.
If you dont feel comfortable with my suggestions, you can always adjust the exercise or find
another one. Trust your inner voice, your best guidance.
For our first exercise, draw your family tree. On the tree, note the dates of birth and death of
family members, as well as any important or major events war, abortion, marriage, divorce,
murder, children given away, suicide, dramatic financial loss or gain, slavery, insanity, and so
When you are done, take a look at your family tree and look for any patterns or repetitions the
same date of birth or death among family members, repeated disorders, any traumatic events that
occurred at a similar age, or exclusions from the family through homosexuality, disabilities, or
being a single parent.
Circle the event that is the most traumatic, or strikes you the most when you look at it. Then circle
the event that gives you the most strength.
Let your different thoughts and insights come into your mind and pass through. Look at your family
tree with love. One by one, thank each member for being part of your family system. How do you

Sheltering the Inner Child

Over the generations, children are recruited by the family system to bring the family back into
balance. A child can be seen as another try to resolve anything that was not acknowledged in the
past family generations. Some children can be elected by the family soul to reclaim excluded
members, for example. This process, while unconscious, is real in the family system.
Even though it would be so much easier for us to live fully when our parents carry their own guilt
and when they bear the consequences of their acts, so we no longer have the compulsive urge to
atone or compensate for them; most of the time, it doesnt flow like this. We are loyal to our
This is why as a child; we will do everything to heal our mother, while we simultaneously chase
the thwarted dreams of our father. We work on both their behalves, whether we know it or not.
If our mother or father is depressed, we might become a funny clown or depressed as well. If our
father has committed suicide, we will probably commit suicide, either literally or in leading a
deadened life. If our mother had three abortions, we might abort as well or not desire to have
children at all. Again, these are unconscious movements that might create resentment or anger
towards them.
By acting like our parents; its our inner child who is still trying to fix its family. Because, every
child is the next best

chance for the world as Suzi Tucker, one of my teachers, likes to say, and so for the family, their
purpose is to bring back the order of love into the family system. Unfortunately, its a heavy
weight to carry.
In the field, we are able to drop this heavy weight and release any unconscious patterns that hold
us to this early designated mission. Plus, this work will deeply heal our inner child.
We have to remember that as an adult, our role is to serve and protect our inner child. If our inner
child is still sad, angry, disappointed or frustrated, we will be as well. All of our frustrations,
pains, worries, and doubts come from our past. By healing our inner child, we can drop our pain
and finally be free.
One last point: normally, our parents want the best for us. If this is not the case in our family, the
only thing we can do is to accept them as they are. Honor them and love them as they are. They
did the best they could. Now, its time to enjoy our life without this feeling of guilt that we
couldnt heal our parents. No one can heal his or her parents! The only person we can heal is
ourselves. This is an important gift that we make to our family as well. Because by healing
ourselves, we offer a space of healing for the next generations.
Accepting our parents as they were and are is not just a good idea our life may depend on it.
I follow my own path, not the fate of others.

I will do something great with my life.

I will let go today. I will bring myself back to the present. I don't need to make up stories in
my head.
Family Heritage
What is your family heritage? Your grandmothers joy? Your fathers anxiety? What is there to
pass on? What is there to keep? What is there to get rid of it? What is there to release?
Make three lists:
1. Positive and negative things that you have picked up from your family generations, past and
2. What do you want to keep and pass on?
3. What do you want to release?

Order & Disorder

In Family Constellations, we take great care to put things in order.
The most frequent family disorder issue I have witnessed in Family Constellations as a
facilitator, representative or observer is when the child takes care of his mother/father and
becomes the adult, while the adult becomes the child. This reversed role situation is very
common and can be resolved during one or several constellations.
We proceed by placing the parents of the client behind him or her, with the father on the right side

and mother on the left side. The clients parents will then be followed by their own parents and so
This is a beautiful picture to keep in mind to see and feel our ancestors behind us.
I have experienced this type of constellation, where I saw my lineage behind me and believe me,
it was a deep, emotional resolution that released so much in my life.
There is logic in the family system, so when things are back in order from generation to
generation, we can finally be in the present moment instead of the past. By reorganizing the past,
we bring a new image of the family order into the present. From that new image, a new energy
will emerge that will diffuse relief between every generation. And this is what we call a

The first important tenant of healing raised in Family Constellations is the importance of finding
the right distance between ourselves and our mom, and ourselves and our dad. Secondly, even
though we fit differently into our family, we all have a role to play. We are all important and
deserve to be recognized.
For this reason, it is vital to reset a new order to guarantee a continuous flow of prosperity,
happiness and love towards our own journey.
When I work with my clients to rehabilitate any missing order in the family system, I love giving
this example from one of my best friends.
This little tale shows how things have their own order in the system and the importance of
acknowledging this hierarchy within the order. This results in an endless, steady and prosperous
You have a vase. You place different sized stones and sand in it. If you start with the sand, you
wont have enough space to fit the different stones. You have to start with a strong foundation,
which is represented by the bigger stones. Then, the smaller ones, which are supported by the
strong base. And at the end, you put the sand in that easily finds a way to perfectly blend with the
strong and steady foundation. The sand is not blocking the foundation or other stones. The sand is
adapting itself to this system. And this is what life is.
When we have a strong and steady base, we can move on into our destiny and not pay attention to
whatever has happened in our family past. The role of our ancestors is to

have our back; this is the only appropriate manner to honor them. Then we can feel the lovely
presence of our parents behind us, they have our back as well. And here we are, full of strength,
leading our generation that will one day, give birth to a new one.
This is the cycle and purpose of life and our assignment is this: to live our life as it has been
gifted and aligned to us.
What I think is missing on the outside is within me waiting to be found.
By reordering things in me, I bring love back into my present.
I am whole. I am enough. I am complete.
Create Order
Create your own vase; it will be a nice reminder that as long as your family order is maintained,
everyone will be able to move on and be fully present in their life.
I did mine by using various buttons and sequins in different colors and sizes. But you can use
anything you are drawn to stones, shells, sand, soil or marbles. Its your vase, your order and
your creation.
Enjoy the craft!

Continuity & Departure

During one of my Guided Learning classes with Suzi Tucker, we talked about stepparents, half
siblings and stepsiblings. She asked us to raise our hands if we had stepparents. In this instant, I
became very confused! I didnt know where to stand.
My parents divorced when I was 23, so they had already raised me into adulthood by that stage
and taught me everything I needed to know. The job was done.
My mother remarried. From my perspective, her new husband was only a part of the new family
system they set up together, which I had nothing to do with as I already had my own family
Yet I still felt guilty about my hesitation. I wanted to know if my behavior toward him was okay

or if I had to make some adjustments.

I explained my situation to Suzi. Her answer was crystal clear and it helped me to accept him as
he was and not want to change him anymore. I was finally free to step back into my first position,
as my mothers daughter.
Suzis words brought peace back into my heart.
He is not your stepfather. He is your moms partner. She looks at you with this man at her side.
Find a way to open your heart to his heart so that you include him in your private sphere, with
healthy boundaries.

I truly loved this image of finding a way to open my heart. This simple approach worked perfectly
for me and brought me peace regarding my mothers new relationship.
Freedom is to just be who we want to be. I think we can apply this delightful teaching to other
relationships and situations that happened and will happen in our life. We will meet people who
we wont appreciate. However, with the power of an open heart and full acceptance of them as
they are, things will always flow.
A divorce is a difficult and intense period. No one is ready to experience the end of a marriage.
Yet because a start depends on a finish, this finish has to be done properly.
If parents divorce and remarry after 18, this generally means we wont have a stepparent in the
everyday sense. We are already on our own path. And if we think of the stepparent in this way,
we might be disrupting our family system by having them replace our biological mother/father
Is our father absent from our life? Are we close to our mother? Lets take a look at our family
system to see where the missing link is. Then we could ask ourselves, Am I displacing my
feelings? Am I looking to heal my relationship with my father with the new husband of my
If the answer is yes, I recommend that we make peace with our inner father/mother in a family
constellation or another approach. This allows us to move on in our own personal love life.

When I say inner father/mother, I am talking about the presence in our body, mind and spirit of our
parents. I am talking about the connection we have with them on a deeper and mystical level. Its
a connection that we make through our womb. This connection is instinctive when we first
understand that those two people are our parents and they gave us life.
Our body is liberated when we make peace with our inner parents. We will only carry the best
from them at this point, and release the burdens we carried for them previously.
Divorce is another dynamic if it happens before 18 years of age. Everything can work out well or
become The War of the Roses.
As Bert Hellinger said, Divorce is a matter between the parents and its not the childrens
I concur.
Unfortunately, most often the adults storm sweeps up the children. The parents ask them to
choose their camp, either overtly or covertly. They are put in the middle of this war and expected
to be a counselor or a mediator, which is inappropriate and devastating.
Here, Suzi Tucker advises: If the parents include each other even as they withdraw from one
another, the children have an easier transition.

The family system will stay the same in a divorce. While a divorce spells the end of a love story
between the parents, the love for the children should not be questioned. The family system will
always provide a safe platform if the parents remain together inside the children, that is, when
parents remain active in their roles as a mother and a father and keep their children out of
divorce. They are and will always be together for their children as a couple of parents couple.
Then regarding their couple as a man and woman in marriage, it is their own business and has to
stay like that.
Ultimately: a child must not interfere in the parents affairs. Parents have to bear their own
choices. We must stand in our role as the child and focus on our own future, so we dont live
in theirs.
Furthermore, Suzi Tucker provides an interesting thought: Rejecting the other parent is rejecting
the other parent inside the child.
I agree with her. If we dont accept our ex-wife or ex-husband with love and respect, how can we
imagine that we can properly love and accept our children as they are? That child has the
ingredients of both the mother and father!
Lets take a look at the stepparents side, which is not easy either. He or she arrives in an already
established family system. With the new partner, this person will set up a new and different
system with other rules and beliefs.
How can we find the accurate balance between the two family systems that now have to live

Why not see a stepparent as a positive new energy that can illuminate a new world?
As long as the stepparent doesnt try to be more than the biological parent, which is a
potentially threatening behavior to the fragile equilibrium that is trying to get stronger, it will
Like the children, the stepparent needs to stay in his place, respecting and honoring the biological
father or mother. This includes not saying any negative words or criticisms about him or her.
When it comes to younger children, parents need to pay attention to any behaviors that try to
oppose the adults authority. This can seem funny or harmless at the beginning because the
children think they might get more gifts or attention from their parents, but they will soon
experience more drama by impacting the parents roles.
They have to accept the decision of the divorce and recognize that it was an adult decision.
They cant free themselves from their parents by thinking they know more than them. Their parents
did the best they could and love them no matter what decisions they made. Dont stand between
them; receive the best of them.
Through my Family Constellations experiences, when everyone stays in their place, there is a
serene and established flow. Everything may not be perfect but at least when the family system is
in order, aligned with everyones roles, this lays the foundation for the present.
I simplify things in my life today.
My parents relationship as a couple is not my business.
As I respect my parents decisions, I respect myself.
A Start Depends on a Finish
For this topic, my suggestion is a reflection on any new starts that you had to take or new ones
In your journal, write down any thoughts that come to mind on new starts such as taking on a
new apartment, a new school, culture, or even a new bedroom can seem like a challenge at first.
You might think: why do /did I have to accept this situation when it wasnt my choice? Why do I
have to open my heart to this stranger? Why do I have to find a way to appropriate and integrate

this new chapter that has opened?

Everything is in movement. Nothing lasts forever. All lives evolve in an endless movement.
Every time a new circumstance occurs, the best thing to do is to stand before it with your own
truth, beliefs and love. Find a way in your shadows that will lead you to a new place full of light.
Adapt by taking the best from this new person or situation and tweaking it as you wish.

In Family Constellations, we notice how crucial anniversaries can be. The great impact the
age we were when we experienced a trauma can have in one of our descendants, or the way
our body reacts when we reach the age of a member of our system with whom we are
entangled. Each one of those strange occurrences often seen as coincidence by a less trained
eye becomes obvious when you start to understand the way the spirit mind moves.
Bert Hellinger

Every family dynamic has key dates connected to it. It could be the same date of birth or a
specific period where there is a tendency for the same events to reoccur. We need to pay attention
to these dates so we can illuminate and release the pattern.
As we discovered in the first chapters family tree exercise, a family tree can help us discern
various dates of birth and death of our ancestors, as well as any significant dates through the
different generations. We can ask our grandparents, parents or other family members questions
about particular events in their past such as war, miscarriages, suicides, weddings, abortions or
Family Constellations asserts that we can produce an impact over seven generations: three before
us, our current generation, and three after us. In fact, when we work on the emotional level, we
can create shifts in many places. So, are we ready to break the spell?

For my family, I made a few connections regarding things that occurred at similar ages. Here are
a few examples that I resolved through the help of the field.
A lot of tragedies happened in my family around the age of 13, especially on my fathers side.
My grandmother lost her father. My grandfather had to stay in France during World War II for
four years because his parents, who were in Argentina, were not able to bring him home. My
brother went to boarding school. And I was sexually abused in London at the age of 13.
So as we can see, there are definitely abandonment issues and traumas around this age for several
members of the family, me included. Could we have avoided this pattern? I think so and perhaps
any member of my family was ready to break this particular curse, however they were probably
not aware there was anything wrong at that age in the first place to acknowledge and bring to light
in the family system, which is what Family Constellations endeavors to do.
Another interesting period for my family occurred in the early 20s age period. When my mother
was 23, she wanted to move to the United States but because she was already married, she stayed
in Paris and kept on going with her life. And guess what? At 23, I married, moved to the United
States and then left my husband a few months later.
My behavior can be seen as a blind, loyal atonement for my mother. Because my mother was not
able to pursue her dream, I unconsciously did what she wanted to do, so then

my mission could be seen as a success from my inner childs perception.

I atoned for her because she did not follow her wish and thus, the order was reinstated in our
family dynamic through fulfilling an unacknowledged wish.
As we can see, the soul of a family will always create an event or find a way to close an
unfinished cycle.
Another key date in my family was when my dear maternal grandmother passed away on July 16th
at 1am. I am convinced that even though she had Alzheimers disease, she was aware of not dying
on the day of my birthday, which is July 15 th. Otherwise, my date of birth would have been
entangled with the death of my beloved grandmother.
One of the men in my family was born on the same day as his grandfather. He shared the same
issues of sex and alcohol addiction with his grandfather. They also shared many other
similarities, including having two marriages, a lot of lovers and dramas happening around the
same age.
Another outstanding fact was when my grandfather turned 80, he shared a few of his secrets with
us. I guess when we become older, our tongue loosens up!
The secret he told us was that before his wife (my maternal grandmother), he was with another
woman and they had a son together. Their son passed away at the age of six months.
Unfortunately, my grandfather had already left her and never knew about his son until the age of
79 when he met his first love again. She told him that she knew that one day, they would see each
other again and decided to wait for him. She never got married. The astonishing thing is that when
my mother was a little girl, she used to ask her

mother: Where is my brother? Of course, my grandmother always told her that she was her first
child so that she never had an older brother. I guess the little girl could feel the presence of her
half-brother. This is a remarkable example of the unconscious, invisible connection that we all
have with our family system.
I will always remember this special moment. It was Christmas in 2012 and while the disclosure
was a gift for us, the relief on my grandfathers face told us that it was a gift for him too.
Indeed, when a secret is revealed by the person or people involved with it, it can powerfully
impact the family systems well-being. Family members may make connections between the
confession and their behaviors and thoughts. This can lead to a deep shift and release many
burdens and misunderstandings.
However, sometimes we might know that something happened but never know the exact story or
details surrounding the secret. Even though this can cause frustration, our emergency exit is to
accept the secret as a fact and the silence in which it lives. More often, it is better to recognize a
secret or an exclusion with love and respect, without knowing its full story. Endlessly seeking out
the details can keep us in the past, in the sphere of the life that happened before us.
Besides the pattern of sharing a major event around the same age or date of birth with a family
member, giving a child the same name as a deceased family member could also have an
entangled impact on their life, that is a connected fate in some way. Indeed, giving someone the
same name can be linked with remaining in or repeating

the same fate (death at a similar age for example), if we dont acknowledge the person who died
While often this is seen as a noble act, as far as I am concerned, we have to deal with so many
things from our lineage already that ideally, we dont need to carry another aspect through the
name that can be avoided!
A newborn is a new life, beginning and cycle. Lets give him or her a chance to take the best part
of their lineage and create something great from it with a fresh start.
If you are in this situation, I recommend you learn about this part of your heritage. Recognize any
tragic events that occurred, then separate yourself with love from any entanglements that you
might have with the passed family member or child.
Its a wonderful adventure to truly know where we came from. My only recommendation is that
when that discovery process is no longer enjoyable, please let it be. This means our work is done
and that we know everything we are meant to know.
Its always important to know when to start and when to finish.
I can share the same date of birth [or name] of my However, I dont share his/her fate.
I have my own fate.
I belong to my family by living my own destiny.

Me in My Place

If your grandparents are still alive, I invite you to ask them if they would like to share something
from their past with you. Give them space to share what they want. If you get a no, respect their
decision without insisting. Communicate with respect and without judgment, as you would like
others to relate to you. This is a crucial key for the family dynamics well-being.
I hope this exercise will help you to get new insights about your decisions and the choices that
you have made. This way of looking into the family soul can expand your heart and ease anxiety.
Plus, it will allow you to feel more grounded in your place and role.

One of the foundational principles in constellations is that excluding a person who belongs
to the system creates suffering and that restoring his or her rightful place brings relief.
Daniel Booth Cohen

Flow Back
Absent people hold tremendous energy in the family system. They cause anxiety and fear, even
though its not deliberate. This is why it is so important to recognize any loss or absent people
in the family, be it through abortion, miscarriage, childbirth, suicide, murder or otherwise.
In Family Constellations, we can see when we are dealing with a missing person who has not yet
been recognized. Usually, all of the participants are looking down. Who are they looking at? Who
is missing?
Generally when a person is entangled with a deceased person, he or she unconsciously takes over
the fate of this absent member of the family and lives it out. So if we behave dangerously or have
many accidents, we could take a look at previous family generations to see if anyone died in a
dramatic way or at a young age. We might resonate with the event or pattern immediately.
I had the honor to be part of several constellations where people were lying down and needed to
be recognized by their family system.
For example, a woman was afraid to give birth because one of her great grandmothers passed
away while giving birth.

Another woman who experienced feelings of extreme rage had been entangled in the fate of her
father, who had murdered her grandfather. A man who attempted to kill himself five times was
entangled with a cousin who had committed suicide. And another man who was in a number of
car accidents was actually entangled with his father who had been in a serious car accident.
Plus, I have witnessed that when abortions are not recognized, this is dangerous for the family
systems equilibrium, and especially for the living siblings.
In all of these constellations, many tears were flowing. In all, the energy was very intense and
painful at first, however after a few minutes; we experienced a new flow of serenity and release
in the room. It was breathtaking, beautiful and a respectful ceremony towards this person who
was waiting to be recognized and accepted as a member of the family system.
When the dead have their place, they are peaceful and they are finally experienced as a positive
energy. Therefore, the flow of abundance, joy and love will come back into all the different
By taking care of our dead, we will take care of our next generation.
I will hold onto the gift of life you have given me as long as I may. Only when my time has
come will I follow you. Please give me your blessings if I continue to live my life.
I honor your fate.
I see you and I will give you a place in my heart.

Look at your family tree and check the dates of deaths or unknown dates. These are probably the
people for whom you will create the ceremonies. A recognition ceremony can be done with a
letter, a balloon, a fire, or some other form of ceremony to signify a farewell.
If you want to address a letter to the absent or deceased family member, you can start with I
acknowledge you and I am letting you go Then, trust your heart and write whatever you want
to share with this person.
For the balloon or fire ceremony, you can say, I honor your fate. I recognize you as a member
of my family and I give you a place in my heart. Then again, let your heart speak for you.
The only important thing is to feel very deeply inside of you: I am doing this ceremony for you
now; you can finally be at peace.

Two Roots for One Seed

In Family Constellations, we talk a lot about the diverse dynamics and entanglements between
past and present, and why it is so important to heal those two periods of time and accept them as
they are. As I said, healing is about finding the right distance between our parents and us.
However, there is another interesting character in this field to consider: our roots.
What do we know about our roots? From which country are our great grandparents or even
grandparents? Do we know the story of our familys journeys?
The silent impact that our roots can have on our behaviors is a big surprise.
For example, Austrians and Germans who carry many issues and burdens are often related to war
and Nazism. Many have to confront issues that involve victim stories or guilt for being alive.
In France, abortion has had a great influence. As one of the first countries to permit abortion,
many French women in the 1960s and 1970s had one or more abortions.
Abortion is one of our fundamental rights. Its not my role to judge women who had one or who
will. Accepting and honoring others as they are and their choices is one of my teachings and
strong beliefs; we see the importance of accepting others in the Family Constellations field as
well. Its their choice and so their freedom to be.

Having an abortion is a very delicate, painful moment for any woman. I have done many Family
Constellations on this pattern. Every time, tears are present when we recognize this pregnancy
and baby as it was, so the client can finally make peace with herself and her aborted baby.
And every time, the person representing the aborted child is always full of love for their mother.
Because, this child had a mission and when they feel recognized by their mother, they are happy
for her.
A woman can unconsciously carry the pain of an abortion through sabotaging her life until the end,
while the child will be always at peace because it was always aware of its mission.
There is always a meaning in being pregnant, and it is our role to understand its significance.
Family Constellations is a beautiful way to make peace with that event.
In Italy, the mama is very present in the family. Consequently, its hard for Italian men to
become independent from womens emotions because they have been connected and immersed in
the emotions of their mother. They need their mama so they will always look for the perfect
representation of their mother in another woman. This request can present a problem. Our lover is
not here to be the twin of one of our parents. Until we recognize that idea, our love life will
probably look more like a nightmare than a fairy tale.
In the Netherlands and Norway, there are a lot of sailor stories, that is, many fathers were
absent through their

occupation. So because the father did not fulfill the fathers role, a lot of sons embraced this
status. The masculine
serves the feminine. When a woman takes care of her family by herself, the masculine is
suppressed and not respected anymore. Boys who come from such families may display a
distorted form of masculine behavior because their sex is seen as useless by women/mothers.
Often these men develop an addiction to someone or something religion, sex, drugs as a way
of agreeing to their supposedly useless roles.
In the United States, the impact of immigration is a common story in many families. America has
always been seen as a New World, where people can pursue the American dream clich.
Many people left their country and immigrated to the US during and after WWII, or other wars.
For those family generations who were born after this immigration, it can be difficult for them to
find their place sometimes, whether intentional or not. More often, they think they have to pay a
price for their life. They might bear the guilt of their ancestors who survived a war or other
conflict. Here, a constellation could help give the guilt back to their ancestors in order to lift the
burden; allowing them to move forward without feeling ashamed about living well.
In Brazil, the displacement or integration of indigenous people could be an issue. These natives
sometimes have difficulty finding their place and role in the new society where there is no more
authentic, strong value for them or their culture. Their family and culture always lived in perfect
symbiosis with nature. The new culture, technology and habits can be foreign to them and their
ingrained ancestral way of life. Theres a huge gap between the two worlds and a clear loss of
their way of life. Often, they lose

their mind or commit suicide because they are not able to face this unknown world.
In several countries in Africa, there are patterns of rape, slavery and forced marriage. It can be
devastating to the womens lineage, as they have to somehow make peace with men despite these
feats. They carry a lot with them while also being brave and strong. These women live a beautiful
act of resilience.
Last but not least, when one country has been invaded by another and the invading countrys
culture takes over, men cant find their place in society anymore. So the resulting pattern may be
alcoholism or even violence towards women. There is an unconscious, rigid belief that because
they couldnt protect their country from the enemy, they lose their masculinity. Metaphorically
they have been emasculated. At the same time, women in these countries become strong while
being upset with their men. Its a complex, connected system of false beliefs that we have to
realign with the order of love.
As we see, its important to know about our family but also the history of our roots our culture
and our country at large. By having a bigger picture of our family tree, we will better understand
our entire family dynamic.
I am grounded.
By knowing the history of my country, I can be a messenger for the next generation.

I accept the blessings of my countrys past, the challenges and the pain, and will carry those
blessings with me.
You know where you came from but are you aware of your countrys history? If not, it might be
time to improve your knowledge. Go to the library, buy books on your country and talk with
elderly people who could tell you some very interesting stories. Its important to know your
countrys history so you can share it with your own kids, as the history of your country is their
history too, as well as with others. Dont forget, your mission is to take care of your generation in
order to prepare for the following ones.

The Mother
My first birthday far away from my family was at the age of 24. My mom sent me a birthday card
with a watercolor picture of Montmartre. On it, she wrote a note telling me to never forget my
roots, where I came from and who loves me. She finished her note with a few lyrics from the song
NOubliez Jamais [Never Forget] by Joe Cocker.
Lovingly enough, my mom used to dance to the same classic songs like these while my papa
played them.
I remember she always turned on the radio as soon as she went into the kitchen. Many of my best
memories with my mom happened in that room. Everything in the world seemed right while
cooking, dancing, singing, laughing, reading our horoscopes, understanding each other and
embracing our time together.
In the kitchen, I shared all of my thoughts, dreams, desires, doubts and fears with my mother.
Every time, she always found the best words to calm me down. Every little thing she did was
magic for me. She was my super-heroine, always smiling and loving life for what it is. Her
endless love and optimism towards me kept me alive.
In Family Constellations, the mother is always the first person that we look at. Even though we
ask general questions concerning the relationship that the client has with his parents, the mother
has a bigger role, for the only reason that she is the one who gives birth, the one who carries us
for nine months. She is the one who risks her own life to bring forth another one.

Maybe, our mother was not the mother that we were expecting and our relationship with her is
tough, filled with many misunderstandings and unsaid things. The essential thing to note is that one
day she gave us the gift of life. Through us, she believed in the power of life and love.
And for that alone, our role is to honor and respect our mother as she is. She did the best she
could with her own doubts, fears and past. Thats not easy, I think we have to be completely
faithful about life and jump out of our comfort zone knowing that no matter what we do, we will
always make clumsy mistakes and be criticized. Taking care of another human is probably the
most difficult and unrewarding task on one level.
If we embrace our role as a mother happily, our children will feel it. For sure, they will always
have complaints and make some remarks about our absence or the way we raised them, but as we
already know, this special and invisible bond between a mother and his child is unbreakable.
Through the relationship with my mother, I understand this last point. I have been unfair with my
mom and not only once! I was only focusing on my own emotions and perceptions, pretending that
because she was the adult and my mother, she had to understand my way of thinking; she had to
take care of me as I wanted and she had to love me as I expected. I was so wrong.
Before being my mother, she was a little girl, a teenager and then an adult. She was not only my
mother, she was at first a woman with multiple facets that gave birth to the

kind of mom she was. Not the opposite. And when I understood that my mom was not perfect, I
allowed her to make mistakes. I talked with her to understand her own way and this is something
that I really enjoyed and still do.
Playing together when we were younger was nice but I love having a beautiful mother-daughter
relationship as an adult now. I can talk with her about many subjects. We always have something
to say. Its relaxing. It feels safe.
I am aware she did the best she could in her own way. Her own way and manners perfectly
adapted for the young child that I was and the adult that I am now.
I chose her as she chose me and since then, my attention towards her reflects my choice a good
choice of love.
Sometimes, the love for our mother keeps us alive. My love for her permitted me to push back my
own limits, to expand my perception of my world, to believe in tomorrow, to love again and to
have unconditional faith about my talents and my own person.
Metaphorically and physically, she made me. I am a part of her and she is a part of me.
When we fully accept our mother, we fully accept ourselves. The same thing goes for our father.
We are our parents and we cant change this truth.
So, lets stop fighting against our parents and our love for them. Lets lay down our anger,
disappointment and pain towards them and just look at them as they are - a woman and a man
who one day were also two young children and teenagers. They learned, they fell, they made

but despite their past and maybe a relationship with their own parents that was not ideal, they
believed in their capacity to create another life through their love. They made a commitment
together that they could become parents, for better or for worse.
So please, let them dance and play their own music with profound respect. Give them their places
standing behind us our father on our right side and our mother on our left side and feel their
love and support. No matter what has happened between us, they will always be here for us and if
not physically, be reassured that we will be always connected energetically.
Mom and Dad, thank you for the gift of life. Through my brother and I, the music that you created
together will keep on growing forever.
Thank you mom for the gift of life.
You are my mother; I am your daughter (or son).
You did the best you could. I will take it from here.
The Gift of Life
Write a letter to your mom with your best memories of her and send it to her. This will be a fully
expressed gift of love without any expectations of a response from her.

The Father
In Family Constellations, we often witness that the father struggles to find his place in the new
relationship between his wife and their newborn. Normally the mother has already created a bond
with this new life, this new child during the nine months of pregnancy. Shes already established a
dialog with her future daughter/son. For the father, its another story.
Even though, he can be very present during the pregnancy period, he cannot fully understand
whats happening. For sure, he is aware of his new role coming but until the baby is born, he may
have difficulty perceiving himself as a father. He needs to see, touch, cuddle and feed the baby on
his own. He needs to create his own bond with his child. Unfortunately, the mother (sometimes)
does not give her husband a chance to bond right away with their new born. And, because of this
behavior, the father figure steps aside and loses his trust regarding his capacity to be a good
A wife needs to allow her husband to become a father, make room for him and trust him. A man
needs to be comforted in his capacity as a new father and guide for his family.

Its very important to create this balance. The woman gives birth. The man sets up a safe world
by being the guide to it.
The father also plays an important role in our future relationships. If a daughter has a serene,
respectful relationship with her father, she has a grand chance of creating beautiful relationships
with future partners. For a son, the relationship with his father impacts how he respects women
and the world; how he stands as a man, confident in his presence and authenticity.
A father is as essential as a mother. He has a different role than the mother but it is equally
important. A mother and a father create an equilibrium within the child and when this balance is
respected, the child will become a confident and happy adult.
Remember that to create a life, there needs to be two people and this extends to raising a child in
most cases ideally, there needs to be two.
For the first 20 years of my life, I had a very symbiotic relationship with my mother. For a while,
my father could not exist in this duo. Now, I can see that it was not healthy for all of us and thanks
to my different healings; I finally have an equal relationship with both of my parents. Everyone
has a place and this makes me feel more grounded and strong.
The father can also represent our feelings, behaviors and patterns towards love and other
significant one on one relationships, including business.

What was I seeking through all of the men I have encountered? Maybe a little bit of my father.
They were different in their flaws but all similar in their sufferings. They were broken. They were
like my father, with fewer secrets and less of my fathers presence that I wanted. They were a
chance to understand my father better. They were lost and confused about my expectations. I
wanted them to forgive my abandonment the repeating pattern of my father - and save me from
my shadows like superheroes. I wanted them to be passionately in love with me, while I remained
close and far away from them simultaneously. I wanted them to be different than they were. For
these reasons, none of my relationships were entirely filled with respect, love, communication
and peace. They were filled instead with destructive passion, lies, infidelity, violence, and drugs.
All of them were filled with fear. We were both already wrecks individually, so together we
lived in a dangerous bubble of shared denial.
I thought love gave up on me, but what if I was wrong? What if I actually gave up on love and
rejected love because I didnt want to deal with the pain of it anymore? My abuse experience at
13 years old - where I lost my innocence, dreams and future fairy tale fed into this attitude to
love as well.
I wanted to be the beauty, saved by the beast. I met a lot of beasts but none of them saved me.
They were proud of my beauty but clueless about me. I am aware of my love failures. I played my
role. I didnt want to be loved. I wanted to be rejected and excluded. I wanted to be brutalized.
After all, if I thought my father couldnt love me, why would another man?

For ten years, I sabotaged all of my relationships. I wanted to feel the pain to feel alive. I wanted
my father to save me. I wanted him to tell me how to act with men. I wanted him to tell me that I
was beautiful and he was proud of me. I wanted him to look at me. I wanted so many things from
my father that I did not get in the way I expected. However, today, I am fine with this statement.
Today, I understand and accept my father as he is. I realized that my resentment towards him was
only widening the gap between me and all men. I kept paying the same price.
Will I ever heal from my fathers absence? To figure it out, I need to continue on my path. I need
to feel love and give love again. I need to trust. I need to open my heart. I need to respect men.
Men are the guides of this world, while women carry life. Women give birth. Men lead our steps.
When we respect their fate, their entanglements, their doubts, their fears, we accept them and so
love will grow. The beauty of love lies in self-surrender, in the vulnerability of understanding
that love is both tenuous and enduring. The uncertainty creates the urgency to love deeper and
The game of love can be vibrant and painful, all at the same time. Is it worth it? Yes. Men serve
women as women serve men. Its an exchange. Its the pure essence of our roles.
I am thankful to all the men in my past: while our clumsy attempts at love didnt work for long, it
worked for the time of our relationship. They made me grow and become a woman. Thanks to all
of them, I surrendered my own limits. I discovered myself in our break-ups.

I have no regrets about any of the partners I had. We were meant to share something together. We
were soul mates for a portion of the journey.
I believe a soul mate is someone who is like a newsflash for ourselves; they show us something
thats missing. This person will leave a mark in our life and play his or her part - bringing that
missing piece into our life. A soul mate is only one piece of our puzzle, it could be the last piece
and we wont know until we live with him or her. A soul mate also has a piece of us. Its a gift of
self to them. It might appear irrational and unreal, but this person will help us to know ourselves
better. And one day, for sure, we will meet our last soul mate. He or she will be complete as we
are and together we will create another puzzle.
Lets remember that The One is not here to complete us. He or she is here to enlighten and
empower us.
This is what real love is, right?
I am ready for love.
I respect men. I respect women.
My man serves me as I serve him OR My woman serves me as I serve her.
The Gift of Life

Write a letter to your dad with your best memories of him and send it to him. This will be a fully
expressed gift of love without any expectations of a response from him.
Note from the author:
In 2013, after a lot of work on my relationship with my father through Family Constellations, I had
the urge to write him a letter. I was still uncertain about the possibility of ever reconciling with
my father. However, I wanted closure. I wanted a sense of relief because I was finally able to
understand why my father abandoned us. Or, to be more precise, I finally understood that it was
not my fault. So I wrote him a letter, outlining my hopes and love for our relationship, which
otherwise always seemed to get lost in misunderstandings.
Three years after, in 2015, my father and I reunited face to face in New York, completing the
endless movement of Family Constellations.
The four days we spent together were full of peace and acceptance. We did not talk about the
past; we only focused on the present moment and this new chance to create a balanced
I was just a daughter with her father, which felt very grounding and good.
Did this meeting finally happen thanks to Family Constellations? I believe its a combination of a
few things. In the end, the only thing that matters is that my father is back at his place, where he
always belongs.

Sexuality, as I am going to refer to it in this chapter, means sexual expression between consenting
Sexuality is a gift. A gift of love and deep, meaningful harmony between two people, who decide
to create a deeper connection using their two bodies, which can even create a new human.
We are born through an act of love. No matter what happens afterwards between the two lovers,
this moment of love cant be revoked. Its a profound engagement that unifies them until the end of
their lives.
Besides the fact that making love can create a new life, it is also a way to express our
vulnerability with someone. Indeed, sexuality can be seen as an expression of our true self.

We are naked emotionally just as much as we are physically. We surrender our self in this union.
We trust our partner. We unveil our main essence without a filter or safety net. Its us, fully as we
are, perfect in our imperfections.
For this reason, we have the right and choice to be with someone who is from the opposite sex or
the same as ours. There is no good or wrong way in sexuality, only one: the way of love. As soon
as we find someone else to share our inner sanctity with in pleasure and joy, this act will be
always magical.

In Family Constellations, sexuality is represented as an act of love, an act of giving and receiving.
However, sometimes, we might not be able to set up healthy boundaries.
Sexual intimacy is a privilege. When we share the details with our children, family or friends, we
lose this privilege. We break this silent contract that we made with our partner. This damages
respect, not only between the speaker and their partner who they share the sexual relationship
with, but also in the speaker-listener relationship.
Of course, we can have fun with our friends sharing funny anecdotes but we just need to
understand where the limit is and stop there. Otherwise, it creates another dynamic where
boundaries are breached and people who are not part of the relationship are included
If we are a parent, we have to respect the sexuality of our children. We cant interfere in their
process. During their childhood and adolescence, they will discover and adapt through
knowledge of their own sexuality. They will become aware of their own sexual preferences and
through this awareness; they will find their true self. Their sexuality might be different than ours
but in any case, it needs to be accepted. By welcoming them fully as they are instead of judging
them, our behavior reflects respect toward them. Adults respectful decisions allow our children
to feel more grounded.

No matter what our sexual preferences are, everyone in the family system is essentially connected
or plays a role in it. Everyone has an equal value in the functioning of our sexuality. We have to
understand that when we exclude someone, we actually exclude ourselves. Plus, when someone is
excluded from the family system because hes seen as different, this can have serious
consequences on the next generations.
While Bert Hellinger does not have any specific observations on gay women, his observations
regarding gay men indicate that they can take the place of a person who has been excluded from
the system. For example, this could result if a boy assumes the place or feelings of a deceased
sister when there are no female siblings in the family to do it.
So, if there was a child who died early and the child was a girl, and later on in the family there
are only boys, then one of the boys has to represent a girl. By doing this, he rebalances the family
system. And again, its an act of love. Its an act of pure love for the well-being of his family
Family Constellations is a great way to see exactly where the truth lies in this particular dynamic
because it is a method that avoids judgment and focuses only on healing, therefore allowing gay
men and women to gain greater understanding and clarity on their true self.
Homosexuality is not an illness and in no instance does healing mean changing someones

Healing comes from seeing and experiencing the underlying dynamic, integrating it and coming to
peace with it. Judgments have no place in constellations. It is absolutely not a means of
controlling and changing other people. It is only about Love and bringing it back into the family
system. Homosexuality is respected. It may be a gift of love for this person who was excluded
from the family, so they can be recognized and accepted.
In our family system, we need to find the right distance between ourselves and our parents.
Remember, alignment with our true self is all about standing in our right place.
Through our sexuality, we express our true identity. Our sexuality belongs to us. Its our inner
sanctity and a gift. Take care of it as is.
From the parent position:
I am the big one. You are the little one.
I am the adult. You are the child.
From the child position:
I set up boundaries with the private life of my parents.
I respect their couple relationship.

From 0 to 6 years old, we are fully exposed to anything that happens. We feel all of the
mysterious, dramatic events surrounding our family and therefore, ourselves. Our body registers if
love, attention, respect and kindness are present or lacking. We may not remember but our
subconscious does. This is how we imprint our issues and patterns internally.
For this reason, I propose that you write up all of your memories from 0 to 6 years old.
Then, make a list of the issues you currently face as an adult. Draw a parallel between the
childhood events and what you are experiencing right now in your life.
If you wish to go deeper in your healing, you can write a letter for every connection that you
For example, one issue in your adult life may be that you are always afraid of being abandoned.
See if during your childhood, any events happened that could explain this fear of abandonment.
Maybe your mom lost you at the supermarket? Or your dad was absent for one year and you never
knew the reason?
By expressing our true feelings and emotions about a particular event and releasing the pain, we
should experience deep relief after this exercise in our mind and body.

Love and Bonding Are Different

During a Family Constellation, we always ask the client if her/his parents were previously
married, engaged or involved in a close relationship.
Usually, within families where one or both of partners were involved in a close relationship
before their married partner, the former partner is usually represented by a child of their
The children take up the cause of the former partners in the family, and often make their parents
suffer for the injustice done to them. Children identify with the old partner, especially when they
have been treated disrespectfully.
While doing a Family Constellation, we will be able to see if we are entangled with these kinds
of situations. If so, the field will show us the dynamic and then we can work on a resolution.

Remember that in Family Constellations, resolutions always have to do with Love.

For example, if the husband leaves his wife for another woman, there is a risk that the first child
of this new union will carry the burden of the betrayed woman. Thus, the child could have a
difficult relationship with the father or stand between the parents, defending the former mother.
The child acts more as a lover than a child. Plus, in his or her own relationships, the dynamic of
a 3-way love affair might be possible.

Another entanglement can be seen when the parents get divorced. In order to repair the separation
between their parents, the child can unconsciously take on the role of the husband or wife, or if
they are old enough to get married or even pregnant, this might happen in order to fix the failed
relationship of their parents.
Generally, a woman is more likely to stay entangled with these past dynamics than a man.
We have to pay attention to the bond with our former partners. To be able to move on, its always
nice to gain closure with this person. Making peace with him or her internally will help you to be
available for a new relationship. Romanticizing the past or putting our ex-lover on a pedestal
wont help another relationship materialize. So lets make room for the new one!
Plus, we can become entangled with an object that represents the previous relationship, meaning
unconsciously, we can stay stuck and unable to create a new bond with another lover. This object
can be jewelry, a set of love letters or other mementos (theater tickets, flowers or clothing).
Dont get me wrong; we can always keep a few things from our past relationships however we
have to know why we keep them. Is it out of possession, frustration or love?
Love is never tricky but the ego can make us believe it is. The ego always wants more so when
we keep a bond with our past, its only in order to feed the ego not Love.

And believe me; it took me a long time to finally understand it!

The two last examples resonate a lot with my own personal life.
My parents got divorced in January 2008, seven months after, in August 15 th, 2008 I got married
in Las Vegas after only two months of being in a relationship with my partner. Eight months later,
I left him.
I married my partner because I wanted to fix him and show him he could trust me, instead of
marrying him for being the right man of my life. He was very jealous, possessive and violent
and I blamed myself for his feelings. A month after we met he told me I was the woman of his life
and wanted to get married in Las Vegas. The idea of getting married was exciting and gained
momentum in my head because I thought that Las Vegas weddings were only for fun. .
So, I said, Yes. Obviously, I was wrong. A few months of marriage is still a marriage. We
cant escape that fact. I cant escape it. As of today, my divorce is noted on my birth certificate.
Yet once again, this experience made me. It led me where I wanted to go. It gave me strength. It
was a chaotic revelation, but still a miracle. Sometimes, the best things in our life are born out of
our shadows.
Later on, during a constellation, I finally realized that I married this man to soothe my pain from
my parents divorce. It was an act of reparation

After the divorce, I kept my engagement ring and both wedding bands. I didnt want him to keep
his. My rationale at the time was that he couldnt respect the relationship with me as his wife, so
how could he value these symbols? I didnt realize that in doing this, I was keeping the bond alive
with my former husband. It took me five years to finally have an epiphany regarding my decision
to keep them.
One day, I woke up and I no longer felt attached to the rings. I was only attached to the protection
that they offered me. So, I detached myself from this symbolic idea and moved on. I threw the
rings away in the Hudson River. I love the link between emotions and water so I thought it was a
very significant act to do this letting go ceremony with the element of water.
Do we still feel entangled with one of our ex-lovers? Do we keep a symbol from one of our
previous relationships? Is the idea of selling or throwing this object away painful? Have we been
single for a long time now? Are we married to someone we dont love? Are we engaged to a man
but we think about another one?
Family Constellations will help us see more clearly and understand why we keep on repeating the
same behaviors.
As Mark Wolynn said, It did not start with you but it can end with you.
I will focus on loving relationships.

I forgive all past lovers; they were teachers showing me how to come home to myself.
Thank you for your love.

Rock Solid Love

We all want love. And we all deserve to have it. Whether were weighing up a decision to end a
relationship or are about to jump into a new one, or just want to get clear on what we actually
want, the following exercise will help us clarify what kind of a romantic partner we are looking
Grab your notebook and a pen and write down answers to the following questions (replacing
gender accordingly):
What qualities do you want your ideal partner to demonstrate?
How does he make me feel special?
His most important quality is...
How does he show affection?
How does he love me?
The best thing about him is...
How do you make him feel special?
Your most important quality is
How do you show him affection?
How do you love him?
List the qualities you bring to the relationship.
Imagine you and your lover five years into the future. Use the present tense to describe your life
with him.

Abortions leave a deep trace in the soul, a very deep trace. This is often denied, with all kinds
of plausible reasoning. The soul does not listen to these reasons. We say sometimes that
abortion is like a kind of contraception, in Japan for instance. Still, it is experienced the same
way there as it is with us here. There is no difference. It is experienced as a deep interference
in the soul. The aborted children belong to the family and they are experienced that way. If
this comes to light and the children are included in the family, it has a beneficial effect.
Bert Hellinger

The Womb
In Family Constellations, when we look at a persons current issues and relationships, the first
important person to consider is the mother. The second important person is the mother. The third
important person is the mother. The fourth person is the father.
The first three places are the three generations carried at the same time of the pregnancy.
Indeed, when a woman is pregnant, she carries three generations. Her generation, her future
childs generation and the generation following, which is already an aspect of her baby.
Through the role of giving birth and so the gift of life, a woman changes the world every time she
delivers a child.
Even though it could be seen as a movement of a butterflys wings, there is an impact on all of us.
Who will the child become? What will their mission be? We are all connected.

It is a domino effect. We only need one to bring down others surrounding, or one to be the
connecting bridge.
Women give birth to the next generations. Through this role of delivering life, women have the
most powerful impact on Earth. Without women giving birth every day, humanity would
This role of women strongly impacts their relationships with men. Women also risk their life
through every pregnancy and birth; therefore they can look like superheroes.
This is why its crucial that the mother gives her husband a place in the family and trusts him to be
a wonderful father.
We need two people to create a third one. And we need two people to raise a child. Its a
balance. Its our childs equilibrium. Of course, a mother and a father dont have the same roles;
they interlock their positions to form the parental unit.
It is important to value both people during the raising: and likewise during the pregnancy period.
No matter what happens - abortion, miscarriage, stillborn or full-term birth they are together. It
was a common decision. Two adults felt the strong desire to procreate, no matter how that life
ultimately unfolded.
By becoming parents, we face our own death; this is why we create another generation because
we know life is uncertain, so our children will survive us. Normally this is the order.
Unfortunately, sometimes life has another plan and our child dies before us. I cant imagine the
pain but the gift of life is precious and we must honor it. As we

respect our life, we respect the end of it. Once born, we already know that one day, we will die.
By accepting this fact, we grant ourselves permission to fully live our life.
In the case of an abortion, both parents must give a place to this child in their heart. Otherwise,
their relationship is likely to break up quickly. It has to be a common decision and one that is
deeply respected afterwards.
One very important observation is that a child who follows an abortion might feel anxious. This is
due to the fact that the child feels guilty about living. Why me? Why am I alive and not my
Parents should pay attention to this anxiety as it could lead to an addiction or some other risktaking behavior, with the hidden goal of assuaging the guilt. Generally, this dynamic happens
when a child follows an abortion; however, sometimes it takes place with a child who precedes
an abortion. In this case, the older sibling has the subconscious feeling that he or she should have
saved the younger sibling.
Miscarriage a horrible world as my teacher Suzi Tucker points out, could be rewritten as miscarry. The mother of course unconsciously feels that she did something wrong, that she didnt
carry the baby appropriately.
Again, we blame the mother. We judge her for her inability to carry this baby to full term. Often,
the father can blame the mother too. A separation can result from this dangerous, unfair and blind
It is a similar issue when we think about stillborn children; there can be plenty of reproaches
between the parents.

Instead of jointly bearing this fate, they assign the fault to each other. The pain of a repressed
mourning separates the parents but also the other children. A great parenthood finds its roots in
having children while simultaneously accepting the loss of a child and mutually bearing this
destiny. This allows the heart to have room for everyone.
When mourning has its place, Love can express itself.
All of the members of a family have the same right to belong to it and so the unborn child does
too. When we recognize the death, we accept our own destiny and its limits. By giving a place to
our unborn child, we allow him or her to be at peace and therefore, we make peace with our loss.
Agree to the childs fate. Let Love take care of everyone -- Mother, Father, living children and
those who did not make it.
Its also not recommended to stay focused on a childs death. By idealizing the deceased child,
we other children will feel excluded, and the idealized one will feel burdened.
The following stories illustrate the importance of self-care when we are pregnant, so there are no
repercussions on our childs life.
While I dont have enough distance and awareness to talk about twins in the context of Family
Constellations, I wanted to share this story.
One of my friends lost her twin when their mother was pregnant with them. One consequence of
this loss seems to be that now my friend always needs another person with her. She needs to
recreate a twinship, whether with a

friend or a lover. She simply needs to feel accompanied by another person.

Can we see how powerful it is to share the same space? How much impact it can have on our
life? Even though my friend never met her twin physically, she lived a spiritual and intimate
connection with her. A deep bond was made during this quick period of gestation.
When my mother was seven months pregnant, she fell under a train. She had the reflex to protect
her belly so to protect me. She was not hurt. When I was three months old, my mom went to pick
up my father at the train station. When the train was arriving, I cried out fearfully. For sure as a
fetus I felt the fear of my mother, and experienced my own trauma reaction inside the womb. The
subconscious remembers!
When one of my friends was pregnant, she established this lovely routine to dance every night to
the same song. She said that playing this music represented their moment, and to help especially
when her daughter felt anxious or angry. Indeed, it turned out that when her daughter was born, the
music magically calmed her down when she felt grumpy.
What about you? Do you have any lovely stories to share with your children?
Between the parents:
We bear this pain together.

We accept your destiny and we will keep following ours.

You belong to our family.
The Light that Comes with Mourning
For an abortion, miscarriage or stillbirth, the first meaningful thing to do is a little ceremony to
recognize the child and also acknowledge our own pain.
You can write a letter and even give your baby a name or you can write the name on a balloon
along with your wish for his or her life. Wherever your baby is, they will feel the love. When
Love is here, the pain will go away.
For the death of a child, you can place a picture of him or her in your kitchen or your family room,
so you can let him or her be at peace even as you mourn.
Recognizing our pain and our loss is a better, easier way to keep moving forward on the path of
our destiny.

The Interrupted Movement

When the childs movement to the mother is interrupted at an early age that is when the mother
is felt to be missing in the childs formative years the child becomes afraid and angry. The early
interrupted movement is a period from 0 to six years old where the child has been abandoned by
his mother and/or father, which could be due to a hospitalization, abandonment, adoption, or the
death of one of the parents. This comes through any kind of separation, because the very young
child cannot make a distinction between one kind of absence and another.
Generally, this interrupted movement is related to the mother; however we also see cases of an
interrupted movement with the father.

Interrupted mother-child bonding is dramatic and can have long-lasting effects. The child might
keep their anger or rage against the mother for leaving until the movement has been healed.
Indeed, the childs anger and rejection of the mother is fear-driven and deeply hidden in the
subconscious. The child learns that if he reaches out, nobody reaches back, so eventually the child
stops reaching out and even pushes others away in order to preempt their abandonment of him.
This anger is a protection against being hurt again. To be able to break the curse or pattern, the
child will need to live through this interrupted movement again and finally close it so that a
feeling of completion can take over.
If we are aware of the situation and the child is still young, we could do the following: sit him or
her on our lap and embrace the child tightly until we feel no more resistance. Repeat this
powerful hug of love in expectation of a

complete resolution in his or her behavior. Also, follow this new movement by paying attention to
being consistent in our behavior toward the child, like being on time to pick the child up, being
clear and regular about normal daily transitions going to bed, school and play dates. As we
embrace the child tightly, embrace this new behavioral shift tightly and consistently.
If we know we were separated from our mother at an early age, we can set up a Family
Constellation where the facilitator will ask the person representing our mother to embrace our
neck and make small circles on it with their hands, gently and lovingly. This recreates the
movement of love that was disrupted between our mother and us. We can also hold the right hand
of our mothers representative in the field and walk in circles together. This will lead to the
These two pieces of advice relate to the healing of the inner child/child. If our mother tried to
have an abortion or didnt want us when she was pregnant, we need to work on reconnecting with
our fetus because this area of the body is where the emotions of this trauma are stored. It takes
more time because we have to find our inner fetus in our body. It begins with the realization that
things that occur when we are very young may be forgotten by the mind, but not by the body.
Remember, its our job to keep sparking and growing our inner light regardless of our pain,
abuse, dramas or abandonment. It is one of our fundamental rights to be proud of our life. Lets
celebrate it every day! I understand this is always easier said than done, yet, this is the only way
to live an abundant, serene life.
The more willing we are to accept self-love and self-

respect from our inner mother, the easier it will be for us to come to a resolution.
If we dont accept our mother and nurture this link with our inner one, we may look for another
form of love through drugs, sex, alcohol or another addiction. When we reject our parents, we
reject ourselves because we are made from our parents.
We have the ability to heal all our scars through various ways that reveal our lifes importance
and our light to us.
We are important. We are loved. We are light.
I am loved.
I recreate the circle of love between my mother and me.
When I am connected with my inner mother, I am at peace.
Hold Me Tight
Ask your mother to embrace your neck and make small circles on it with her hands. If your mother
is not ready or you prefer, you can ask another person whom you trust and feel safe with, or even
do this yourself, making the circles as your inner mother until you feel peace inside you. If
touching your neck feels uncomfortable, ask for a tight, long hug.

It is important to mother our inner child as an adult. We are the guide. The inner child needs us to
heal and release any negative feelings that were experienced during childhood.
When our adult self steps in to provide shelter (or take responsibility/face up to things), our inner
child will be at peace and therefore our adult self in the present moment.
----If your child is agitated, violent or quick-tempered, I advise you to hug him or her tight when the
child is experiencing one of those out-of-control moments. At first, he or she will probably
refuse your embrace but dont let go. You will see your child relax and feel safe after time. Keep
embracing your child until the uncontrollable urge passes.
Love is the antidote for everything. The more we lose patience in front of our child, the more they
will become agitated.
We dont fight violence with more violence. We calm down violence with Love.

Was it the act of giving birth that made you a mother? Did you lose that label when you
relinquished your child? If people were measured by their deeds, on the one hand, I had a
woman who had chosen to give me up; on the other, I had a woman whod sat up with me at
night when I was sick as a child, whod cried with me over boyfriends, whod clapped fiercely
at my law school graduation. Which acts made you more of a mother? Both. I realized. Being a
parent wasnt just about bearing a child. It was about bearing witness to its life.
Jodi Picoult

Adoption: Agreeing to What Is

Adoption has many complex dynamics and movements behind the scenes that need to be known,
recognized and fully accepted, in order to provide stability for the adopted child once it is in a
new family system.
As Bert Hellinger said: People who were adopted are a challenge. They have blunted emotions.
It is much easier for them to act than to feel. A tree whose roots were cut has difficulty putting up
new roots. The stress of getting disconnected with parents is one of the most severe stresses in
life no matter how good the adoptive parents are.
For this reason and despite the beautiful act of love of adopting a child, adoptive parents have to
be aware of the principle of order, meaning biological parents are first. Without them, there
would be no child. There needs to be a silent agreement between them.
Even though the biological parents lose their rights, they dont lose their place. The adoptive
parents must respect the biological parents. Only in this esteem, can they respect the child. In this
process and in a conscientious way the adoptive parents should say silently to the biological
parents: Thanks to you I can become a parent, notes Suzi Tucker.

By doing this silent ceremony, the adoptive parents recognize the role of the biological parents,
thus the child will have enough room to love all of his parents in his heart. He or she will be fully
aware of the situation and will release their anger.
An adopted child is always angry on some level with the biological parents for abandoning them.
Deep within, the child is very upset with them and this resentment often transfers to the adoptive
parents. This transfer might create stressful, challenging situations in the adoptive family.
We have to understand that an adoption, energetically speaking, is like an abortion. We give the
child up and the child has to accept that he or she also needs to give their biological parents up in
order to live a more beautiful, serene life. The adopted child needs to consent to what the parents
decided. Only through this awareness and consent can an adopted child grow up serenely.
Despite this anger, the child has to accept that he or she can love its new parents without feeling
guilty. More often, an adopted child will feel its betraying its biological parents and therefore is
unable to appreciate and love his or her new home.
It is often more difficult when a couple adopts a child from another country with a different
culture to their own, as this removes the child from its natural family, community and nation.
Before adopting a child, we must check that it doesnt have other family members in the homeland
grandparents, aunts or uncles who could take care of it.

Only when there is no family member willing and able to take care of the child, can we seek other
parents or carers elsewhere. Generally, it is always better for the child to be raised in his or hers
native culture.
The biological parents must also bear their responsibility and choice entirely to avoid confusion
and blame. If the parents sit on the fence, it will be destructive for the child: I dont have time
for you now but I will be back. The child will be confused and unable to settle with this
ambivalence; he/ she wont know where to belong or have peace. This is why there is no
possible return for the biological parents after adoption has been decided. Adoption is the adults
decision. Their child has no responsibility in this act and doesnt have to bear this choice or atone
for them.
In the case of a surrogate for sterile or homosexual couples, the donor has to be recognized in the
family system. Without this recognition, the child will perhaps bear a heavy weight. Hellinger
doesnt have any more specific observations or insights on this dynamic yet. Nonetheless in this
century, we will soon discover whats going on inside this new family type.
Divorces and separations can often follow an adoption. It is not the regular system so the
agreement between the parents turns out differently. For example, the adoption is a reminder that
the woman is sterile, the man is unable or that the parents waited too long. Sometimes adoption
can push us back into our shadows and the different burdens that we had during childhood, so then
the couple becomes strangers to each other.

Its critical to share the truth with our child. We have to tell her or him that he/she was adopted.
We cant take away his or her right to know. How could we expect him or her to find their place?
The child will always know in one corner of its mind that something is askew.
If we are an adopted child, we may have to accept that our biological parents will refuse to see us
again. We cant take this personally. Their refusal often stems from the fact that they do not have
the courage to see their own guilt again in our eyes.
All of these insights on adoption aside, I concur with Suzi Tucker who says that adoption is the
best way the biological parents could find to parent and allow the child to live. So, its
essential that the biological and adoptive parents express silent gratitude for each other in a
reciprocal act. Secondly, if children are encouraged and allowed to love the biological parents
openly, they are less likely to find covert, destructive ways: Ill be a junkie like my junkie
mother!, or, I am a no-good idiot like my father so why try!
Acceptance, as always, is the fastest way to move on and wholeheartedly live our life.
For the adoptive parents:
Thanks to you I can become a parent.
I respect you as the biological father.

I respect you as the biological mother.

For the adopted child:
I have enough room in my heart to love all my parents.
By accepting and respecting your decision, I agree to move on.
I let you go with love.
If you are from a different culture and country than your adopted parents, it might be good for you
to plan a trip to your homeland. By discovering your roots and putting your feet on your natural
home ground, you might find your spiritual place in this world. It is important to know where
we came from to move forward on our path. You could also propose that your adopted parents
participate in this trip.
During your stay, bring a journal to write your thoughts and emotions. You could also collect a
few things, such as shells, plants, flowers, sand, or soil from your homeland to take back with
you. It could be anything or memento, as long as it feels important to you.
By reconnecting with your roots, you will feel more steady and grounded in your adopted country.

We Are All Different Together

Often, we think we cant deal with challenges or tough situations. The truth is: we can deal with
anything. We have enough strength to adapt to every incident that comes to us. Naturally, we can
sometimes feel devastated, lost, blocked or disappointed but if we keep moving, we realize that
we can make it. If we refuse to move, instead staying with old images and ideals, the challenges
may defeat us, not because they are so big but because we have stayed small and stuck.
Every missing link will be found, and all together, they create a complete life. Life can be seen as
a treasure hunt at the end, its what we found during the search that is the real treasure.
So focus on the search or journey, not the prize. The prize only represents all of the obstacles we
jumped over and embraced. We must value our endless commitment and movement for our life
above all. Enjoy the ride and focus on the journey over the destination, as the destination often
morphs into something different or opposite than we first envisioned, generally for the better.
Throughout our life, we will change, meet new people and say goodbye to others; we will love,
hate, believe, lose faith, celebrate a birth and mourn a dearly departed one. This is the cycle of
life with its ups and downs, narrow and spacious ways, expectations and disappointments, joys
and pains.

Life is not easy and can even be very uncomfortable at times but everything will make sense at the
end of the day. Are we all equals when it comes to achieving something? Yes. I believe everyone
has a specific, unique mission. This mission or purpose belongs to us and even though we may
want to achieve the same thing, each person will do it differently.
Our difference is precious. Through our differences, we learn from each other. Difference creates
unity unity between us, animals, Mother Nature and humankind. Its when we dont accept our
difference that a gap forms with other people.
We are all part of the same history. We are together in that. Our behavior has a rebound effect on
others. And this rebound behavior effect happens in family systems. One behavior, good or bad,
will always have a repercussion on the current generation, as well as the next ones that follow.
For as long as someone ignores or does not recognize this behavior or act, it will keep on going.
This behavior will actually happen in more situations to help us resolve and release the
underlying issue and if we are not able to see or acknowledge it, we resist and therefore continue
creating more dramas and painful situations.
We might become disabled in front of love, joy, abundance and so on, which means we are not
able to face and embrace it. Anger, sadness, revenge, meanness, resentment and more will begin
to be a part of our normal state, which is where disabilities come from. Physical and intellectual
differences can spur us on or sink us in the quicksand of negative feelings.

By not seeing love as it is and what life can offer, we become disabled and disconnected from the
world. We see ourselves as victims, causing internal chaos. At first, the rift may be small but by
feeding our rage, we enlarge the crack and create more and more disastrous situations.
The real obstacles are not the ones we see, they are the ones that hide inside and afflict us little
by little. These challenges hide in able and disabled bodies alike.
We are the only ones who can enable our goals and dreams. No one else has the power to guide
our life. We represent our own choices and if we think we cant do it, for sure, we wont. But, if
we know we can do it, no matter what crosses our road, we will overcome any challenges and
reach our goals.
We give ourselves the love that people show us. We give ourselves our own limits and
parameters. We make the best of the opportunities that come to us. We are a magnet; we attract
what we think we are. When we enable our mind to think bigger, a lot of great things will happen.
There are a hundred ways to accomplish something. Do we want to enable or disable all the
options by keeping a rigid view? The choice is ours.
This is our child. We will take care of him/her together and will respond to his/her needs as
his/her parents.
You belong to your family.

Thank you for bringing love back into our family.

You are. I am.

Put your book on the table and take a few minutes to look around you. Which color is most
dominant where you are right now? Do you smell anything in particular? A coffee, apple pie, or a
delicate perfume?
What about your body? Do you feel fully present in this moment? Do you feel connected with
yourself? Your thoughts? Your world?
What can you do right now to empower your day?
Make this pause and sensory check-in an essential part of your daily routine. It will allow you to
focus on the essential and tune into yourself, allowing you to perhaps make another decision or
take a few steps back from an unhealthy situation.
By making room for yourself, you claim your affiliation to this world; you claim your difference,
uniqueness and who you are.

Root of all Evil

The majority of our physical boo-boos, scratches, pains, diseases, grazes, injuries and hurts are
often linked with suppressing one of our negative emotions. All chronic physical problems have
systemic, internal roots. Our role: uproot them!
Are we angry? Sad? Depressed? Disappointed? If so, we could go beyond our present
circumstances to consider what happened in the past and ask ourselves: Why is my inner child X
(write your emotion angry / sad / hurt / jealous)? The root of this feeling can be blocked in our
inner child and our body is physically manifesting it and trying to get rid of it. This could just be
the flu, an ache or even more serious illnesses.
For example, Hellinger discovered in Family Constellations that sometimes breast cancer is an
atonement for the injustice done to a man. Food addictions (binge eating, anorexia, and bulimia)
are often related with abuse and sexual harassment. Degenerative diseases (Alzheimers,
Parkinsons, dementia) are connected to the desire to go back into childhood to escape the
difficulties of present daily life. In removing themselves from the present, people with these
conditions can be seen to heal their past and therefore their inner child in a way, who was
traumatized by a profound event, such as war, abuse, or suicide affecting either themselves or
their family system.
Headaches are usually caused by love that is unable to flow. Perhaps as a child, our access or
movement towards the mother was missing or perceived to be before we reached our goals or
had our needs met. Described in an

earlier chapter as 'The Interrupted Movement', this process refers to separation from our mother
or father in our early development phase (0 to 6 years old), as a result of abandonment,
hospitalization, divorce, death or some other kind of absent behavior (withdrawal or insufficient
attention due to another distraction). This is one possible cause of our headaches linked to
underlying anger or aggressiveness towards the mother.
Shoulders can hold feelings of anger and conflict with others in the body. If we are experiencing
pain in our shoulders, lets ask ourselves, Who do I want to slap? Generally, if the suffering is
located in our right side, the anger or conflict in the shoulder is against a man; on the left side, the
anger is against a woman.
If we ever think about committing suicide, we can ask: Who do I want to save? We are
probably entangled with someone who passed away before our birth and in loyalty to our family
system; we want to follow that person.
Backaches tend to represent the pain of not feeling supported by our family. Who do I have to
bow to? This is an important consideration, even though we think this person might not deserve
bowing to. Scoliosis is often caused by a divorce or by being raised by parents from different
cultures and because we cant make a choice. Our spine tries to adjust itself between two
different cultures or people. Rather than integrate, we try to balance separate entities.
Our eyes hold the soul of our parents. The left eye is our mothers soul and the right eye is our
fathers soul. When we have difficulty seeing, lets ask ourselves, What is it in my mother or
father that I dont want to face?

If we make a fist with our hands, this generally means we are repressing anger. Lets ask
ourselves, Why am I feeling angry while I am talking with him/her?
When our body shivers and we are not freezing temperature wise, this means our body is
expelling fears. The shaking releases repressed fears.
A heavy calf can describe an unspoken sadness.
Being anxious is the same feeling as being excited -- with a dash of fear -- What am I afraid of?
When we get sick, this is often because we arent feeling confident enough about a meeting, a
person or a situation and so to avoid it, we get sick!
To summarize, lets ask ourselves, Where do I feel pain?
Lets focus our mind on this pain and inhale and exhale very deeply until we feel it easing off. If
not, I recommend buying Louise Hays book, You Can Heal Your Life. This book provides great
insight into our body and our different pains.
Our body is our best doctor. Pay attention to its signs. By becoming our bodys friend, we will
avoid a lot of undesirable, useless suffering.
I love all my emotions. They all have a purpose.
I listen to my body.

I am worthy of experiencing my feelings.

Scan Your Body
Its time to listen to your body. Scan your body from head to toe. Where do you feel tension?
Describe the feeling linked to this tension. Give the feeling a color or a texture. Be as descriptive
as possible. The feeling youre describing is the old insecurity and fear that lives underneath your
need to control. That feeling was never healed so you think you need to control it. Take 60
seconds to just breathe into the feeling wherever it lives in your body, then let it go.
You can even silently talk to your body using these phrases: I calm my body, I liberate my
body, I am free from anger, fear and anxiety, I am aware of my whole body.

Feeding the Love

Finish your plate, then you can watch TV, If you dont eat your spinach, you wont become
strong, Dont eat cookies, you will become fat.
Having a peaceful relationship with food can be hard to put in practice as an adult, especially if
food was experienced as a manipulation, demand or even punishment in our childhood.
Until the age of 12, I had good memories sharing my meals with my family, grandparents and
friends. However, when my brother left for boarding school, I started feeling very uncomfortable
sitting down for lunch or dinner with my parents. I would eat faster to avoid my one-on-one time
with my parents. I had this feeling that I was not in my place. My brother missed me a lot; he was
the funny one in the family, always making jokes. He was my sunshine, my private comic. He was
my brother and I felt in balance in relation to my parents besides him at the dining table.
As soon as this familiar routine stopped, I started another one: bingeing. After I had finished my
meal, I would run to my bedroom and eat cookies compulsively. I was not hungry for food. I was
only hungry for Love. I was trying to feed myself to feel love inside of me and feel complete.
Without my brother, I did not feel like a sister anymore. I felt incomplete. In my mind, I remember
it as the beginning of the end of our family. Six years later, my parents got divorced.

I was aware of my behavior with food; I was aware of my pain however I didnt want to face it.
Years and years past before I could finally make peace with my body and its still a fragile
relationship. I feel like Bambi on the skating rink. I make great efforts but I am wary of falling.
The difference now is I am able to immediately recognize the precursory signs. Moody, sad,
lonely, depressed; these feelings can be a definite trigger to go hunting for cookies! Now
however, I am able to calm myself down and focus another activity to provide comfort, such as
meditating, running, reading, bathing. This works pretty well for me.
I still need to make peace with food and the idea of being the perfect woman according to the
rules of others or society at large. Again, this is just a matter of loving myself as I am! Nothing
else! I cook to create a relationship with food, I think its important to feel comfortable in a
kitchen and take pleasure in cooking.
When I started working on this issue, I realized that when you enjoy doing something its hard to
feel guilty.
Bingeing for me was a way to look for love. Overeating was a way to fill myself with love, to
feel full. The aftermath was the worst part of this behavior of course, where I only felt connected
to my old buddies guilt, shame and you look so fat! instead of lovenot really the result I
Through different therapies, I have learned that our relationship with our bodies and food is
entangled with the relationship we have to our mother. There is a strong correlation between our
weight and this relationship.

Again, poor mom we might think, for contributing to another pattern like an eating disorder!
Lets remember once again that our mother did the best she could.
So first, we need to heal the relationship with our mother, and then we can start doing the work on
Healing the relationship with our mom will immediately impact how we visualize ourselves.
Having an eating disorder is painful and hard to handle but I am convinced that with a lot of love
and compassion for our pattern, we can get better day after day.
Its still challenging for me but I try to indulge those moments and send more love to myself.
Patience is part of the process. Eating with pleasure marks the beginning of a new and serene
relationship with our body.
Please refer to the appendix for more resources on where to find help for an eating disorder.
My food is a blessing.
I celebrate the gift of life.
As I take care of my body, I take care of myself.

I used to be a pretty fast-paced lady: I talked fast, worked fast, ate fast and moved fast. I always
did things fast because I didnt like the idea of wasting my time. Finally, I had an aha moment
and realized that it was time to enjoy and savor my life! I became more mindful and present in my
now . I started eating more slowly and mindfully. Believe me, its an awesome experience!
Now, every time when I eat, I allow my taste buds to fully experience the flavors. I pay attention
to nothing other than what is going on in my mouth in that moment.
Its life changing!
So, for this reason, Id suggest you have a mindfulness date with your next meal. Cook something
that you love and take time to experience every mouthful. Feel your body fill up little by little.
Rediscover the taste of the food. Pick an adjective to describe the flavor of your food, be it an
apple or vodka pasta sauce
Be in the present moment!

Birds in One Cage

It is natural to experience various emotions in certain situations. Our emotions are necessary to
help us feel and express ourselves as human beings. Emotions only become a problem if they stay
frozen in a traumatic event and because we didnt have the chance to express ourselves at that
time, it becomes a burden.
From a Family Constellations perspective, if we suffer with an emotional issue, we may be
entangled with one or more family members, so it could be more than just a personal, internal
In my family, we didnt talk often about our emotions and feelings. We were very reserved
regarding our own personal struggles and troubles. When we wanted to share something, we
wrote letters and to show our love, we offered gifts. It was our family thing or way of
My brother and I express our feelings by sending songs. I wish I could talk with him more, but as
long as we still have a connection, I will accept this concept as a compromise.
Words can be fierce, so sometimes, its better to keep our words within and take our time to align
our words with more care, rather than just being reactive. Then we can have more constructive

I was afraid of my emotions and therefore, the power of my words. I didnt want to hurt my
mother or good friends so I kept my feelings and words inside me, repressed. Unfortunately, this
behavior led to my depression, which I experienced for almost a decade. Its important to realize
that with depression, we are not conscious when we start our descent into it. Depression is
shrouded in total denial. We know we are suffering but because we dont see any blood or cuts,
we think it will pass like a grumpy mood. Days can easily turn into months and even years, if the
depression is not recognized and treated.
Its always harder when we cant see things but only feel them. I felt lost, afraid and frozen. I had
no more appetite. I felt empty. I had no desire, no envy. In fact, the only one desire I had was to
protect my family. I felt good at it and maybe it was convenient for them as well. For me, this
silent agreement was an act of love and also a diversion or denial that if I didnt say I was
depressed out loud, that meant it did not exist.
I pretended I was fine but on the inside, my feelings of emptiness turned into sorrow. Sorrow at
not knowing what I wanted to do, sorrow at being dependent on others, sorrow at hiding my
emotions. This sorrow lay inside a huge scream that needed to come out but that I was repressing
more and more. I was burning up because I couldnt express my suffering. I will never forget the
sensation of having this heaviness sensation within my stomach. It was like carrying a huge ball of
depression, suffering and unhappiness every day. I cant clearly

remember when I dropped this ball but I know for sure that it is not a part of me anymore.
This ball of depression was my way to feel alive. When we feel pain, we know we are alive and
even though I was miserable, I still felt alive.
I dont know exactly how I got through that period. I know I had awesome friends and family, I
guess I took strength from them. I was more concerned about their suffering than mine and I am
sure it saved me.
I focused on them, not myself. They were my breath, my oxygen, my smile, my love and while I
had them, I could feel useful. And then I decided to move to America with my husband at the time.
I was no longer in love with him but I knew I needed him. I needed him to feel useful. He was
more destroyed than I was so as long as I was dedicated to taking care of his troubles; I was able
to comfortably distract myself from mine.
One day, the truth hit me. I couldnt help him anymore, otherwise I felt like I was killing myself,
little by little. So after another dispute, he left our place and during those few hours alone, I knew
that my cage had been left opened and it was my chance to leave him. I packed my things and left
with a heavy heart. I didnt know where to go but I knew that I was not alone in this new move. I
was like a little bird trying to fly on its own.
It was not easy. And truthfully, I went back to him a few times. Even now, I dont clearly know
why. I guess I needed

his pain to locate myself. As soon as I could catch him in my web, it was exhilarating. Actually,
it felt pretty pathetic but I didnt care. All I wanted was for him to look at me so I could see his
love for me. I loved this silent attachment between us. It was intense, dramatic, full of tears,
screaming and very sexual. I loved all of that. I was a dramatic heroine and I was addicted to this
role. I didnt want to leave the stage, to stop my movie, but fortunately, I grew tired of it. I
became aware that I was digging my hole deeper and deeper, and that I was the only one capable
of stopping the process.
To stop the process, I had to make peace with men and my past. I didnt want to be that woman,
who hates men, but I was on this road and I didnt know how to make a U-turn. I hated them. I
hated him. It was so unfair that at 13 years old a man had taken away my dreams, hope, youth and
my innocence. In my mind, that man equaled all men.
Sometimes, I have those moments when I ask myself, Where would I be today if nothing had
happened? What kind of woman would I have been? Would I be married already? And with
children? But then I remember that the past is the past.
We cant change our past, we just need to do our best and enjoy the ride.
My story from the past does not define who I am today; I am the one who defines myself.
I chose to survive and create something beautiful from my

experiences. I triumphed by moving and making small steps. I kept going in movement through my
pain, my scars, my oppression, my depression and my broken heart. It was hard but in the end it
was worth it. In those years, I kept believing in something that I couldnt see or touch a
conviction that I needed to save myself to serve the world.
I wanted to be someone and I am doing it right now. I dont remember when my depression went
away exactly, but one morning I woke up and felt different. I felt more grounded and connected.
There was no magic wand but I suddenly recognized the reward for staying with the movement,
where I gradually gathered strength, gratitude and belief in myself. Realistically I know that there
will be times when I will feel a bit depressed and moody but I will be fine because the worst is
behind me. My blind spots are part of the past. I know that I am strong now and the keeper of my
own boundaries.
We must protect and honor our own essence. We are beautiful. We are enough. We are smart.
What happened to us in the past or potentially in the future will never be our true identity. They
are only experiences and we have the power to change them in a positive way. How we paint the
events that occur is most important. We can paint our lifes experiences in black, or we can paint
them in other shades - pink, yellow, green or blue. Yes, sometimes black will be here but lets
see it as a reminder that our life is very colorful. Contradictions are beautiful. They are here to
show us our blessings. Without comparison, how could we be aware of all the options and the
more brightly colored events, people and times in our life?

During my rehabilitation, I read widely about depression and emotional issues. I resonated with
David Servan-Schreibers amazing book, The Instinct to Heal. Servan-Schreiber was the first
one to write about depression and he proposed that depression was not a fatality if we wanted
to heal from it, we had the capacity to do so. The main idea was that depression can be beaten by
taking actions; by being in movement.
When we are in movement, we dont think, we just act. We can be paralyzed by our thoughts but
never by our actions. And this truth helped me a lot in my recovery.
Throughout my learning process, I realized that depression is always a feeling of emptiness, not
sorrow. Sometimes depression is caused by internal conflict or unexpressed emotions, however
depression can also result from family dynamics that we are caught up in. This is especially valid
if one of the parents has been shut out through illness, absence or death. Identifying the dynamic
and situation that needs treatment can help to resolve the underlying stressors of depression and
other mental illnesses.
The best way is to accept our parents as they are. There is always healing when we give a place
to the excluded or rejected parent back in our heart. Again, we have to fully accept the parent as
he or she is and also understand that perhaps the depression was the best way we could find to
stay connected to them.

We wont lose our identity by accepting our mom or dad because depression is not our identity. It
is only a statement of where we are right now, when we feel powerless, lost or disconnected with
our life.
I love Family Constellations because it allows us to get to the root of an issue and resolve it
there, so that managing our emotions linked to that issue is no longer necessary and we can return
to good health. We are able to make the essential transformation from blind love to enlightened
love that Bert Hellinger identified.

I commit to supporting and strengthening myself and others today.
I am supported as I ask for help.
I will be in touch with my feelings
Blossom by Knowing Your Roots
Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to
high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know if there was an illness in your
family, or a terrible event that happened? Do you know the story of your birth? If not, its time to
ask your family questions! You will enjoy writing the story of your family. You could buy a
beautiful notebook to present to your children, grandchildren, and other family members, where
everyone can write

something about their own generation. It will become your family book to be passed down.

Redirecting the Energy

An addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (alcohol, cocaine,
nicotine) or engages in an activity (gambling) that can be pleasurable but the continued use of
which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work or
relationships, or ones health. Users may not be aware that their behavior is out of control
and causing problems for themselves and others. Psychology Today
Often, we think of addiction only in relation to drugs, alcohol and sex. Addiction is much broader
than that. We can be addicted to gambling, exercises, TV, food or cleanliness the list goes on!
Anything can become an addiction when we take a behavior beyond normal limits to the extreme.
For example, exercising a few hours a week is healthy. Spending four or five hours a day doing
cardio, boxing or yoga is not healthy if we are not a professional athlete. This is too much for our
body, it needs to rest. If we are in this pattern, we must ask ourselves what we are looking for
through this constant search for perfection.
Treating ourselves to the occasional cookie or cheese plate is healthy. But, when we follow an
extremely restrictive diet for example, to only eat greens or drink juices, this reflects a
disordered eating pattern in our life.

Watching our favorite TV show every Thursday is one thing, yet its another if we put off other
activities consistently to just watch TV. What are we afraid of? Contact with people or real life?
Its one thing to believe in astrology and angels. Its another thing to wait for signs and messages
from them before we get out of bed, cross the road or call this guy! Why cant we make the
decision on our own?
Addiction is defined by doing or taking something too much. Once it gets to this stage, there is no
more pleasure in the crutch of choice only dependence. I cant live without it. I cant feel good
in my own skin without it. I will lose my job without it. I cant be happy without it.
We may think a certain behavior or addiction is healthy, but personally I dont make a distinction
between someone who takes cocaine to someone who only eats strawberries or watches TV all
the time! An issue or something unresolved is hiding behind these behaviors. We might feel bad
about ourselves or uncomfortable with a particular someone or situation in our life, so our
addiction takes charge of it.
How do we know when a behavior is an addiction? When we cant get through our day without
doing this specific routine or behavior; when our emotional system needs the habit/s to feel safe.
An addiction is a metaphor for one or several of our fears. Addictions appear when we dont
have enough strength to deal with our life, when we are afraid to face it. Addiction is

like a cuddly toy except at a certain point; we begin to play dangerously with our life.
Life can be tough, disappointing, sad, unfair, and violent. Life can also be loving, joyful, happy,
fair, and fun. Its a question of perception.
I was addicted to anxiolytics for a couple years. I thought they were helping me face my world
and fears. However, I discovered that when their effects wore off, my fears came back. The
escape only lasted a few hours. So, I took another pill, then another and another. At the end of the
day, my world looked like a surreal Teletubbies world. I messed up my studies, first loves,
body, self-love, self-confidence and self-esteem. I was addicted to feeling good quickly but could
not find an enduring solution. I was afraid to cry or ask for help. I was scared to confess to my
family that I was suffering so much. So, I chose to be an addict and pretend that everything was
The truth is, life is not rainbows and butterflies every day. Life is tough but rest assured, we can
face the challenges and obstacles that appear in our way. We will handle them because we are
enough, complete and perfect as we are.
During Family Constellations workshops, when I have a client who comes for addictions, I
always ask myself: What happened to this persons little girl or little boy that makes them think
they are not worth it?
Being an addict is like holding a huge, troublesome flag every day, telling the world that we are
suffering and dont know what to do.
It took me several years to stop taking anxiolytics, so I know how hard it can be. To finally say
STOP takes great

courage. I cant guarantee it will be easy but by asking for help, we will take the first step toward
our recovery. One new movement can change our life. Take a different step and we will see how
our life responds with a new, wondrous path.
Lastly, for those who have a family member struggling with an addiction, the best advice I
received from my teacher Suzi Tucker is to: Love her. Love her fate. Love him. Love his fate.
We are here to be an example, not a judge. We are not here to fix neither save the world.
We have to respect the fate of our family, friends and others. They have a soul and purpose. Each
one of us has a level of consciousness that seeks to be expanded and their choice of expansion has
to be respected, honored and appreciated.
By seeing them as victims, we dishonor their journey. By seeing their suffering like they lack
something, we exclude them. Lets bow with a deep respect towards their experience, to their
contribution and let them go on to their destiny. This respects them instead of crying helplessly for
And this behavior will make all the difference.
I am not here to save the world neither to be saved.
I love you. I love your fate.

I am here to accept my family.

Love Them. Love Their Fate.

How can I help my sister? How can I help my father? You cant imagine how many times I have
heard this question from my clients who were feeling useless and helpless about a close family
member facing addiction.
My first question is: Does he/she want to be helped?
Often, the answer is No. And with a no you cant do anything for him or her. So in that
particular case, the advice that I give is Love him. Love his fate. Love her. Love her fate.
By accepting his/her destiny, you wont be in a position of judgment, so then the person may feel
safer to open her/his heart and finally ask for help.

The Call of Ghosts

Suicide is defined as The act or an instance of intentionally killing oneself, (The Free
Dictionary by Farlex)
My first question regarding this classic, textbook definition: Is it fully intentional?
I have some doubt on the inclusion of intentional in this definition, since studying Family
Constellations and Transgenerational therapy.
In Family Constellations, when someone wants to commit suicide, this often means that he or she
is entangled with someone in the family who may have been murdered, committed suicide or even
disappeared without any further acknowledgment by the family. In other words, when someone is
missing in the family system, someone has to atone for it. This can be discovered through signs
an awkward behavior, tendency to flirt with death through repetitive accidents such as car
accident, multiple fractures or a deep depression. The first questions we should consider are:
Who does he/she imitate? Who does he/she want to follow?
We can find suicide warning signs in behaviors that could seem normal or safe at first, but
actually have deeper emotional charges.
For example, if a child doesnt want to go to school anymore, ask him or her why? In his or her
subconscious, there could be some reason that stops him or her from

going: Why should I go to school if I am going to die soon? or What is the point of learning
new skills? Here, the child sees the simple routine of going to school as useless. The child has
no more desire to learn because he/ she has little energy to live. As we can see, this seemingly
innocent behavior, unless investigated, could hide a bigger situation where the child is actually
suffering a lot and trying to find a meaning for his or her life.
The reasons for suicide are often deeply unconscious and the very definition of suicide itself is
also one that lives outside the sphere of most peoples awareness. That is, one doesnt have to
jump from a bridge or swallow poison to be engaged in the process of stopping life.
In Western society, piercings and tattoos are other behaviors to pay attention to. For some people
and cultures even, piercings and tattoos can be a healthy adornment and expression of their own
personal style and self. However, for those who have numerous piercings, we may need to ask the
questions: Why do they want to suffer so many times? Why do they want to cover or transform
their body? The body is a natural house for life. So it could be said that drastic transformation of
ones body through these procedures reflects an abandoned respect for their life. Of course, this is
a personal choice for everyone that needs to be respected; however multiple tattoos and piercings
could be a sign that something is wrong at a deeper level. Some are probably trying to fix
something through the pain or embellishments. We could ask: Why cant they accept themselves
as they are?
One observation I noted through different workshops and talking with people is that many
teenagers who get piercings and tattoos in their self-discovery period, where

they push their limits to find their true identity, want to remove them after a few years. Is this
because they now feel free? Or do they understand something that they couldnt see clearly
In my understanding, once the piercings or tattoos are removed, a shift happens and they probably
dont feel the need to subconsciously self-sabotage anymore. They now truly accept their human
Again, this is just a general observation worth investigating for certain people, in case this shows
a predisposition towards suicide or another emotional issue that needs resolving. As tattoos and
piercings are important, honored traditions for many cultures around the world, such as Buddhist
monks in Thailand (tattoos), Massai tribe in Kenya (piercings) and lip plates in Ethiopia. Here,
piercings and tattoos are an honored symbol of peoples culture, beliefs and affiliations to their
community and roots.
Anorexia can also be seen as a slow suicide. By not feeding themselves, people with the
condition refuse the gift of life. Questions to ask: Why are they following this slow, painful
process towards death? Do they want to catch the attention of their parents? Is it a call for
help? Yes, most likely. Pay attention to the signs, ask questions and start the conversation. Dont
turn a deaf ear or a blind eye to this disorder.
If a mother has had an abortion, she will sometimes want to follow her child and subconsciously
die. Therefore one of her other children may unconsciously take care of her and want to die for
her: Dear Mom, I will die in your

place. Bert Hellinger made this one of his key observations of Family Constellations. Always
that a child is loyal to its parents and will do anything to release their pain.
Lastly, when a murder has not been recognized in the past, one member of the next generation
might atone for her/his fate and commit suicide to bring order back into the family soul.
All of these examples have the same goal: I will die in your place.
How can we release this family pressure?
With the help of Family Constellations, we can work with these invisible forces by rendering
them visible in the light of the field. With this acknowledgment, these forces become conscious
and the tension is released so everyone can see what is happening.
The family will start acting differently. It can be perceived as a spiritual act. A very powerful
Missing people need to be accepted, recognized and loved no matter what fate they chose to live.
By respecting their fate, we respect the order in our system and it will release the heavy weight of
secrets and accordingly, the unconscious desire to atone for someone or to balance the system
through a suicide.
Everyone has a place in their family system. Everyone has the right to be part of a lineage. Thats
the gift of belonging.

You have a place in my heart. All of you.
In front of me, there is my life and I embrace it.
I respect your decision and bow to your fate, and I honor you as my father/mother (or other
family member).
If you feel an empty desire to follow your path, or are still clueless about why you feel bored and
profoundly demotivated about your life, maybe its time to start asking your family questions.
They could know something that you were not aware of that feels like a missing piece.
Often the root of the problem lies in your lineage, not solely you.
Even if you do not get answers that seem to help, I would recommend that you create a little
ceremony to recognize any missing people in your family.
You can write a letter, burn a candle or even plant a new tree or rose bush. Whatever new
movement you initiate will trigger a shift that will contribute to a new beginning in your family
When you create a new flow of life, death [within the family system] will find peace. Marine

Survival Instinct
Abuse. Sexual violence. Rape. Incest.
When we participate in a Family Constellations workshop, we might be confronted with these
challenging issues and dynamics. We might even represent the perpetrator. I did. I represented an
incestuous grandfather and I could feel his guilt, shame and inability to understand why he did it.
Progressing into the field we then understood that he was a victim of his own grandfather as well.
It did not mean that he had to be forgiven but at least acceptance was brought back into the field
and he was able to say to his granddaughter through my voice, I am sorry. It was a powerful
resolution for their family but for me also regarding my past experience.
Often, the perpetrator is first a victim of another perpetrator, who was a victim of someone else
and so on.
I am aware that it is a sensitive subject; however, I have met too many women who have been
abused and just kept this destructive secret to themselves. As a result, some become very sexually
active with no respect for themselves. Other women distance themselves from men, or become
attracted to the same sex to feel safer.
In Family Constellations, we are not here to diminish this traumatic event, we are here to
acknowledge this difficult experience and allow the client to accept it as it is, so that she or he is
able to go and live her life fully, not just merely in survival mode.

Many women who I have spoken with on these issues remember the before and/or after
phases distinctly; in the before moment they remember intuitively feeling danger and knowing that
something was about to happen. In a way, they were prepared to live the worst. They couldnt
concretely explain this feeling but for most, they already knew. This is why they had this
willpower to generate a blackout to protect them. Some just got back to their lives without paying
attention to this accident anymore. There was an urge, a survival instinct to get back to normal;
a normal life avoiding what their body was trying to tell them.
The body and the mind do not forget these events. Sooner or later, the mind and body produce
nightmares, flashbacks, visions and words to remember what happened. At this moment, women
often turn to alcohol, drugs, and medication to numb the pain.
However, when the effects of the first dose or drink disappear, the only solution is to double the
next intake and of course, by doing this, we can gradually enter a vicious circle where it is very
difficult to get by and lead a full life.
We will never forget this kind of assault; it is imprinted in us. This event made us who we are,
just as much as the good experiences we have had. Its a piece of us but it does not define us. The
best way to deal with the event is to accept it as it is an occurrence, nothing less and nothing
more. Lets free ourselves from shame, guilt, and anger and see ourselves as strong women who
are empowered and

rise up to keep moving forward despite experiencing challenges.

By standing up, our voice and commitment for our own life will protect future generations of
Healing myself is my priority.
This event does not define who I am. I am the one who defines me.
I wont let my scars make me a victim.
Forgiveness Versus Consenting
Many times I thought that by forgiving my perpetrator, I would feel better, more serene and at
peace with what happened. I tried to forgive but I was never at peace. Actually, I was upset with
myself for always playing the role of the strongest one who could handle anything. I did not want
to be this person. I wanted to talk, understand and accept what happened.
My mind was an endless loop of racing thoughts. I felt only resentment and indigestion in my gut.
Regarding my abuse incident, forgiveness was hard for me to practice. At first, I tried exercises
like let it go, send love to this person, and see him as the little one he was, which helped
me more than the absolute concept of forgiveness. However, I still felt trapped and uneasy at
times, like I could not entirely digest the incident for good.

Finally, Family Constellations entered my life and I understood the power of consenting to what
is and then moving on from it. This was an epiphany for me.
You see, in Family Constellations, we dont forgive; we consent, accept and re-include. And this
is how we can get such a deep, liberating healing. Because the thing with forgiveness is, there is
an inequality. The one who starts the process of forgiveness will be seen as the bigger one and the
other one as the little one. And, sooner or later, it wont bring anything good because of this
In order to move forward, the situation has to find balance, a new harmony, a new center, and it
does not happen with forgiveness but only with consent toward what is. We know we cannot
change the past, thats a fact, yet we are still addicted to our need to change the past. Are we stuck
then? Only if we allow ourselves to be.
What can we do? Firstly, recognize what happened to us. To recognize means to listen. Listen to
our pain, memories, and feelings. Create a healthy bond with it. Then, consent to what happened
without trying to find the answer of Why? Dont fight anymore. It wont go anywhere. Surrender
to what is. Release with love and acceptance and finally re-include this episode in its place in the
past, where it belongs.
We cannot separate ourselves from our dramas. The more we will resist, the more the dramas
will be heavy to bear. When we accept our burdens, the associated heavy feelings are dropped

We cannot forgive the unforgivable but we can consent to it and make a statement that no matter
what happened to us, tomorrow is another day, another chance. Its up to us to define ourselves
and how we want to live our journey.
Consenting worked the best for me.
I hope by reflecting on this idea of consenting to what is will also help you in your own journey.

Who is Who?
Who is the victim? Who is the perpetrator? Who is feeding the bond between them? Who is
challenging the other one to stay alive?
This dynamic between victim and perpetrator is very delicate and this is why I would like to
write about it with respectful care. Even though I have personally experienced this dynamic, I

need to respect the rights of other victims and perpetrators without judgment. Everyone has a
different story and a unique way to handle it.
First, a perpetrator is only a victim of another perpetrator and so on. Until the perpetrator is
acknowledged and given a place in the system, someone in a subsequent generation will become a
perpetrator. It is important to note that despising the perpetrator fuels the perpetrator energy in the
family system.
There must be peace for everyone, even the murderer, rapist or perpetrator. For this reason, it is
crucial to recognize and give them a place in our family dynamic. Be informed that the perpetrator
does not belong to it; he or she will only be recognized as they need to be. Its a form of deep
respect for what is. It is an acceptance of our fate. In this approach, we will find peace.
For fifteen years, I fed the bond between my perpetrator and me. When I read about rape or sexual
abuse, I would shake. I was so upset; I wanted to kill all men. I wanted to destroy them just as one
of them had destroyed me. I wanted revenge. Revenge for the young teenager I had been when it
happened. Finally, I came to a place where I

understood that my revenge was my condemnation. Through focusing on revenge, I condemned

myself to never accept love again. It gave more power to my perpetrator, which was, of course,
the opposite of my desire.
During my constellation, my facilitator placed the rapist out of my field and she added a scarf
around him. This scarf represented his own field with his guilt. Plus, he turned his back from me.
So I couldnt see his eyes. Respect was in my field and I felt safe to allow myself to finally drop
this destructive anger that kept me from trusting men.
I felt empty and whole at the same time. I felt lighter. I was breathing deeper. I was alive. I was
not challenging him anymore to be stand up and fight, to stay alive. I was free from him.
Despite the confronting nature of this constellation, it was a tremendous act of liberation.
I understood that I couldnt build something with revenge or anger. The only thing I could build
was more anger, aggression and craziness. I didnt want to become a bitter person holding on to
her pain as a right in order to survive. It does not define me. Its not my identity. Its a situation
that happened a long time ago and in fact, it probably unveiled my true purpose.
Through processing my experience in Family Constellations and other methods - such as EMDR,
yoga, guided meditation and the Law of Attraction teachings I was able to deal with this event
in a constructive, positive way. I decided to recreate something great from my terrible
experience. Ultimately, this rekindled sense of

positivity has given me the strength and courage to dream big and become the woman I am now.
When we face our shadows, they become smaller and then disappear. Living in our pain wont
give us any prize. Lets release our pain, yes! The main prize is to achieve meaningful things that
make us happy.
Happiness is an achievement of the soul. Its our choice. I dont minimize the effects of sexual
abuse because for 15 years of my life, I struggled with its different effects. I know there is another
way to acknowledge these effects and then move beyond the experience.
Lets release the shame from our story. We were innocent. Lets be proud of ourselves as women
and men and stop self-sabotaging, because someone pretended our life was not important in one
moment. This person couldnt even see us. He or she was only repeating something from his/her
own field.
We are significant. We are more than a reflection of our circumstances. We deserve to be happy
and to be loved deeply and sincerely by our future or present partner.
Lets reconnect the love back into ourselves. Accept our past and be free from it.
My only role here is to tell us: its worth it.
I am not my circumstances.

I am here and you are there.

I am free.
Letter to Let-her Be
I found one thing worked well in my healing process to help me let go of my abuse story.
It was to write a letter every week to myself.
My first few letters were very aggressive, violent and revengeful but finally through the process
of writing, I was able to open my heart and understand that it was not my fault. I was not the guilty
one and I should not be ashamed of it.
I recognized this event as it was. I discharged its impact and placed it where it belongs in my
After a few weeks, I finally dropped this burden.
Who says that we have to rush?
Take your time with this task of resilience so you dont feel overwhelmed. Its a process and a
long one maybe yet every letter-step will always lead you to a more peaceful place than
where you were before.

How can we protect ourselves from toxic people, especially when they are from our family
First of all, sharing the same family system doesnt mean we have to share their toxicity. Blood
does not create instinctive love. If we place ourselves and our life in the first position, our soul
will be grateful.
Its challenging when we have to deal with poisonous people. Its even more challenging and
hurtful when they are our mother, father or our sibling. If we adopt the role of victim, it will be
perceived as revenge. No one can achieve a resolution with a revenge behavior. Everything

comes from love. Our only option is to let go of any expectation of our parents. I know it might be
shocking to read this but it is the truth.
Even though we could think of our father as absent or our mother as selfish, we have to let these
perceptions go. We have our story and we are the writer of it, so please find other angles to
describe them, especially our mother. I am sure we can find at least one good thing about her
because theres us, and she makes up half of us!
When we feel bad for our parents, we feel bad for ourselves. This is why healing is always
about finding the right distance between our parents and ourselves. Its all about standing in our
right place.
We need to forget about whether our parent/s desired us or not at birth, as we cannot ever really
know what goes on inside another person. This detail is not significant because it causes us to
stay stuck in the past as a victim and
resentful. Since Bert Hellinger has given birth to Family Constellations, we can take care of it and
bring forth a wonderful and comforting resolution about our place in this world.
Complaining, blaming, and whining are toxic for our well-being. These defensive behaviors
undermine our power. When we cut them out, we make the choice to grant ourselves a higher
value and to stand up for our real self. Love is preceded by respect. When we respect ourselves,
we will automatically bring love back.
This is exactly what happens during a constellation. We allow respect to enter the family dynamic
so then love can enter. And so the miracle happens
I choose to remove the toxicity from my life.
Nothing is personal.
I am surrounding myself with my Guardian field.
A Protective Field
Dealing with toxic energy is a part of life sometimes, unfortunately. The best way to protect
ourselves and our mind from this is to mentally create a protective field. Name it and give it a
color. As soon as we feel the need to be surrounded by guardian energy, call it!

Be a soldier of love. We dont fight darkness by sending more darkness; we fight by sending more
Color significance:
White: Purity, uncrossing, removing obstacles
Grey: Mental clarity, healing
Red: Passion, strength, physical energy
Pink: Love, self-love, affection
Orange: Success, encouragement
Gold: Glory, happiness, wishes
Green: Money, prosperity, luck
Blue: Peace, relaxation, tranquility
Purple: Power, ambition, finances
Brown: Being grounded
Black: Absorption of negativity
Yellow: Clarity, positivity, optimism

The Weight of Words:

A small talk may cause a big disaster
We have no idea how important and intense our words are and the repercussions they can have in
our life. Our words represent what we think is right and our truth.
What is the truth? How can we differentiate between a truth that is driven by our ego and a truth
driven by our inner knowledge?
The truth today might not be the truth tomorrow. Whats true when we are married, change when
we are widowed. Whats true when we are a young child, changes when we are an adult.
As our truth is in constant movement, our words, too. Every day, our truth changes because our
life changes. Its an endless movement.
Whats true for us might not be true for someone else. However, we have to honor and accept
everyones truth as long as this truth does not hurt ourselves.
Everyone has their own truth and sometimes, they dont want to hear another truth because then
they will have to question themselves and their view.
You might not know what your loved ones are going through or whats truly happening inside
them. So, please, dont make any assumptions regarding your truth because it only belongs to you,
not to others, and be sure that when you want to speak your truth, it will come from a place of
love. Only then, your truth can help instead of hurt

someone. It takes guts to speak your truth. You could feel vulnerable because you may wonder if
your truth will be welcome or not, but ultimately, you will be at peace with it by not trying to
prove something to others.
This is why we think actions are better and more impactful than our words. This is why we may
talk too much sometimes, when the best way to calm a situation down is to keep quiet.
We over talk issues. We cross the line and it becomes difficult to go back once we have.
Sometimes it only takes one word.
As a matter of fact, we often wont remember the entire conversation, only specific words when
the discussion became difficult.
I once wanted to resolve a dispute with a friend and we ended up fighting even more, exchanging
words we wouldnt forget. Her words stuck with me for a long time.
From that time on, I always try to do my best when I have to confront someone, especially
someone I love.
Our words are powerful. They have the power to destroy or uplift the other person. Lets pay
attention to our words. With the rise of the Internet and social media, we often write without
thinking about the impact of our words or their permanence. To stay out of drama, lets take time
to read over our online, written responses. Think before acting or posting. We can even send a
draft to ourselves and then after several hours have passed, decide whether it is appropriate to

In Family Constellations, the weight of words is apparent. As facilitators, we have to choose

words wisely when we work on a resolution. The best way is to find simple, concise words.
For example, its always so powerful when an adult recognizes his father with the short
statement: Thank you for the gift of life. I am your son. You are my father.
Its a strong statement, a statement of love. Or when, someone says to a deceased family member
who they are mourning or entangled with: I will keep going on my life and I will see you when it
is my time.
Lets keep our words simple and true. We will avoid many tears and misunderstandings. Lets
talk with our heart. When we hesitate to talk to someone, accept this uncertainty and wait until
tomorrow. We will probably have better words to express what needs to be said.
Lastly, our words represent our thoughts and consequently, ourselves. When we pay attention to
our words, we pay attention to ourselves and therefore others.
Remember: our thoughts create our reality.
What reality do you want to live in?
Whats the real truth? Authenticity. Truth is authentic power. We understand this once we are our
whole, authentic selves.

Be authentic and pay attention to your words so they are always aligned with your true self.
I pay attention to my words -- I pay attention to my world.
My words become my thoughts. My thoughts become my actions.
As I give more meaning to my words, I give more love to my life.
Fluid Words
Pay special attention to your words. See where you can make more of an effort. Focus on the
reactions of family, friends, and co-workers when you talk with them. Listen to the tone of your
voice. Note when you feel aggressive and lose control of your words. Align with your own
personal self-expression; it will reinforce the clarity of your thoughts and observations.

Money Motion
While money does not buy total happiness, it can contribute to it. Money can be our best or worst
friend. Today, money might offer us a throne and crown; tomorrow, we might hit rock bottom.
In Family Constellations, financial issues are one of my clients top concerns. Usually, they come
to understand their financial loss or lack. The root of the issue is generally the same: the family
has not recognized someone in the family system who died young or the family survived a painful
event war, famine, natural disaster and so on - and feels guilty about it.
By avoiding this recognition, we increase our chances of experiencing financial rollercoasters.
We can be very wealthy for a few years and then experience a disastrous financial situation. We
may reach out, succeed and then lose it all.
Feeling guilty on a deep level about our survival may compel us to create or attract situations in
which we will be punished for living, especially living well. Punishment might come in the guise
of losing our job, money or partner. Punishment may take form when we work under conditions
that are unfair but we are afraid to stand up for ourselves.
For example, a few of my clients feel guilty and ashamed to have a job they like. So,
unconsciously, they accept a lower income or work many hours, or do not take any time off.
Often, this is so they can feed that unconscious loyalty toward their family. That pattern can comes
from a severe

incident in their family background, such as the Holocaust, slavery, and immigration caused by
war, or violent and repressive dictatorship. Or, people who came from a wealthy family might
not feel they are enough to take care of the inheritance, so they self-sabotage themselves.
To heal this situation, we need to recognize the deceased person or people and fall in love with
our life and ourselves. Know deeply that we are enough and important, gives us an infinite value.
Therefore there will be no shame regarding our skills, talents and how much we can make per
year. This will free the family system and allow the prosperity flow to swing back into motion
after it may have been interrupted for years.
Naturally, it is in our hands to nurture this new relationship with money. Once we heal the
stagnant financial situation, we must then follow through and be consistent with the new dynamic.
The healing will only last if we take care of it. Otherwise, the energized new flow we experience
will disappear sooner or later.
Be aware that we dont own money. Money is a current, a flow. We must liberate money, or it
will find a way to escape our catch and imprisonment. Money goes where it is needed most, and
stays when it is treated well. Our role is to reinvest and serve the world with our money to create
a flowing motion. We give, we receive; it is a movement that joins us all together. We belong to
the same community and world. We are together in this adventure.
So, lets be grateful for what we already have and we will attract more good things. Lets be
respectful of our money. Be ready to receive it. Know that we deserve to get paid.

On top of that, lets be proud of our value. People who value themselves attract people who value
them, too.
Remember that whatever we think about ourselves links directly to our feelings about money.
Money is a reflection of how we see ourselves.
By honoring our money story, we honor our ancestors, our lineage and thus, the importance of our
life. Lets create our own love affair with money and spread the Love!
I receive what I ask for.
Abundance is my birthright.
Money constantly flows into my life.
Abundance is a State of Being
The most important way to make money flow is to clear clutter!
Advice that has worked for me:
Respect your wallet. Pay attention to it and clean it. Your wallet reflects how
you treat your money. So if your wallet is in shreds or looking dirty and/or old, its
time to get another one! You could get a red or green one, as these colors represent
abundance in Feng-Shui. Then, organize your wallet clearly and properly and clear
out any clutter such as unnecessary receipts, papers or business cards. Do

this on a regular basis, so you can easily find your precious bills.

Rename your saving or checking account as your abundance or prosperity

account or even for one of your future projects or endeavors for example, your
wedding, a new car or a trip.
When you pay a bill: Say Thank you and feel it deeply inside. You can even
write it on your bill with a huge smiley face!

The interpretation of dreams is the royal road to knowledge of the unconscious activities
ofthe mind. Sigmund Freud

The Power of Dreams

Our subconscious expresses itself through our dreams when we are sleeping. Quietly and
peacefully, it sends us messages through our dreams. Sometimes, this could be through a
nightmare but it always has a purpose.
Nightmares can be terrifying. They can stay with us for the rest of our day. Nightmares stay latent,
underlying our thoughts before suddenly appearing as a vision in our sleeping brain. The furtive
nature of nightmares can shock and destabilize us on waking, often leaving us clueless about their
Why does a specific nightmare consume our mind? Whats the point? Where is the solution? Why
is it recurring?
A recurring dream or a nightmare happens when we dont pay attention to its hidden messages.
Nightmares are disguised, dramatized reflections of our own life story; existential questions
regarding family and professional conflicts.
Dreams and nightmares help us to deal with our internal conflicts and regulate our emotions. They
give us a chance to see a situation that looked foggy at first.
As my mom used to tell me when I was feeling uncertain or anxious about a situation: After a
good nights sleep, you will see clearer.

This is completely true. Our subconscious works for us. Our subconscious sends us new
messages and signs through our dreams. Therefore, when we wake up, we should pay attention to
these signals through journaling and reflection on their meaning to help us see a situation from
a different angle that we need guidance on.
When we sleep, we are so aware that we connect to our true self and thoughts; thoughts that can
otherwise paralyze us during our conscious state, when other factors, such as ego, enter the
equation. For example, we may have a strong intuitive urge to email a landlord about their place
because we had a good feeling about it, however if we let our ego take over with self-sabotaging
doubts or thoughts, we may not follow through and do anything. Yet, if you had a dream about this
house and yourself in there, you will know your true feelings about this place. Or, you may see
clues that help you see if you can trust a particular person or if you should take a job offer that in
the waking world, your ego may be pushing you to accept it or make a deal. But, through your
dreams metaphors, you will understand what your true self wants to do.
For this reason, I believe in prophetic dreams. We are involved with the non-physical world that
is connected with the Universe. This world can show us the truth about situations and people.
We need to decode our dreams because the meaning is always beyond our first impression and
perception. Go beyond the literal vision and story presented in our dreams; we need to dig deeper
to know the real significance of the symbols, people and events featured. We have to analyze our
present situation and make

parallels with our dreams. We have to see the metaphor behind the rational.
A dream is another dimension; it can represent the big picture forest perspective, behind the
narrow tree vision we see in our waking life.
If we understand our dreams, we will get a better understanding of ourselves. We could even
discover secrets from our familys past.
From a young age, I had a recurring dream that I finally understood at the age of 28. Its a very
simple dream but a dramatic one. The setting is during a period of war or massacre, and I hide
myself in a small room, cave or a secret place so no one can kill me. When it is completely quiet,
I come out of my hiding place and realize that I am the only survivor. All of my family were
killed. And then I wake up!
At 28, my mother told me a story about my paternal grandfather. When he was 13 years old, he
had to hide out during World War II to escape capture and persecution by the Nazis. He changed
his last name. Even though his family was not killed, in my subconscious I guess I am still
connected there. So many others were killed; the ones who didnt had to hide to survive. Was I
subconsciously carrying this weight, a heavy weight of a guilt that doesnt belong to me? This
could be why my dreams sent me the message to heal this part of my heritage.
In a way my interrogation became real during one of my Family Constellations. I didnt
constellate my dream; I constellated my guilt about wanting a beautiful, happy and abundant life.
The field showed me that I was entangled

with the guilt of a survivor. The survivor was my grandfather who I never met. But energetically
and especially during my dreams, I could feel this palpable feeling of guilt.
Survivors bear a lot of guilt during the rest of their life, asking, Why me and not the others?
This guilt could even drive them to insanity.
When we survive, we are not the hero. We are the lucky one. Because we think we need to atone
for it, we transmit this feeling down through the generations. Yet, we dont need to keep these
painful chains (or patterns) in our family. Suffering for something we didnt do or create doesnt
serve us or them. Give the guilt back to the family member or the past where it belongs, and move
on with profound respect and love.
Since I learned about this family story and came to terms with its significance, Ive never had that
nightmare again. I was able to stop hiding and come into the light, the light of my purpose.
Dreams can also mark the end of mourning. A few months after my maternal grandmother passed
away, she visited me in one of my dreams. It was so real; she was talking about everyone and
their feelings during her funeral. At the end of her monologue, she told me that it was time for her
to go and that I had to live my life in the now. I will never forget this dream. It was so deep and
so true. I always had a beautiful connection with my grandmother and this dream topped it off.
Another dream I had involved meeting a palm reader in Key West and moving to New York.
When I woke up, I

wrote down the assignments presented in the dream. Three days after, I was on the road for Key
West. Six months after, I was on a flight for New York.
That might sound crazy to follow a dream but this one was very charged and I decided to trust it.
Plus, my dreams have never betrayed me. I see them as an extension of my intuition. However, we
have to act on them appropriately.
When there is a persistent dream, take a few minutes to recount it. Let the pen flow on the sheet of
paper, writing down everything that pops into mind to describe it, so later on we can notice any
particular signs.
We reach our maximum capacity when we are aware of all our gifts. By gift, I mean our body
language, thoughts, dreams, afflictions and breath. We are a global entity, all united and connected
to everything together. We are completely whole and aware.
Our dreams whisper to our conscious every night. They take their time because they dont want to
frighten us; their aim is to show us something that needs to be unveiled. When the truth is
recognized, we can give birth to a new flow in our life, our roots and our generation. Its a fresh
impulse, offering us the chance to come closer to our true self.
Our dreams are the fastest way to reconnect with our true self and perceive things differently with
more distance.
Dreams are one way to resolve a recurring situation. This is also the purpose of Family
Constellations: to discover the truth and answers on our repetitive negative

behaviors. Its a treasure hunt and the treasure is: knowing ourselves better.
My dreams have meaning. I pay attention to them.
I open my heart to receive important messages from my dreams.
Dear dreams, guide me to the truth.
Dream Diary
Before falling asleep, ask your dreams to give you answers about any situations or people about
which or who you need guidance on. Maybe you wont get an answer the first night but sooner or
later you will. So repeat your request every night until you get the answer. Write down all the
details of your dreams that you can remember and wait. You dont have to think about it, if there
is a meaning it will appear in your mind instantly. Have faith in your dreams.

When you accept the happiness that comes to you and again leaves, you accept also the
gravity that is a part of life. And by welcoming in the sadness that comes through your door,
you may find that in time it turns into happiness that stays with you. By opening the door to the
sadness that comes to you, in time you may find that it is happiness that remains. Bert

Endless Movement
My grandfather, who is 82 years old, met another woman after he lost his wife three years ago.
This may seem surprising for some people. For him, it is a perfect way to stay alive and enjoy the
end of his life with someone. Its not about replacing my grandmother; its only about love.

Who am I to judge him? Who am I to say its wrong to be with another woman after more than 40
years of marriage to my grandmother who passed away? I am only his granddaughter and when
my grandfather is happy, I am happy for him. Plus, I believe my grandmother is reassured that her
husband is fine. Who knows, maybe wherever she is and with her new power (yes I love
imagining my grandma as a powerful angel), she played the matchmaker.
The best part in life is to be open to opportunities and experiences. It is never too late to live a
life we love. It is never too late to love again at any age.
I have clients who are 70 years old or more who want to work on their healing journey. They
have this urge to put things in order and live life to the fullest. They are a great inspiration for me.
They show me that life does not stop at any age and this lies in the power of the mind: when we

internally or subconsciously say Stop, then life stops. And this can happen at any age.
The truth is we can die at any age. For this reason, release your hesitations to love, enjoy, say
yes, take risks, follow your passions and listen to your heart more. You get my point! Be a little
more. Live each day like your last and I guarantee your life will be more than fun!
Love is a movement. Hate is roadblock. With love we will always evolve. With hate we will
always stay in our uncomfortable, grumpy zone. Love is wide, hate is narrow.
A person who doesnt love is afraid of love. When one loves truly, one forgets fear. Its like
being on a diving board: those on the platform are afraid but others are not.
So jump! Create a movement!
When we look at our fears, we make them smaller. Through the action of acknowledgement, we
will leave them behind. Fears only exist because we let ourselves be guided by them and run
away from them. As soon as we recognize our fears, we shift the focus and they fade away!
Replace this sense of fear with the sense of love. We will see how our life makes a tremendous
Love is connected with hopefulness, joyfulness, greatness, boundlessness, gratefulness, happiness
and so on. With love, we can achieve anything.
By creating a movement of love in our life, we create a better vibration within ourselves;
therefore we will attract good opportunities and encounters.

In Family Constellations, we move things from the hidden part of the mind to the open through
language. When things are explicit they can be used in favor of the client. When the client can
express his true feelings about any member of his family or his experiences, love will return.
When love returns we find resolution. Again, Family Constellations are about love, nothing else.
Its the lack of love that creates depression, anger, fear, doubt, aggression, inconsistence, cruelty,
grief, pain, victimization, misunderstanding, murder and disease.
If our grandfather wants to love again, encourage him!
If we want to embrace our true passion, embrace it!
If we want love, spread it!
If we want to be a soldier of love, be an example!
The opposite of love is hate. In my mind, indifference is a more brutal response. With hate, we
still keep feeling something. With indifference, we just sink into a state of numbness.
I would say that with hate, there is still the belief that tomorrow will be better. With indifference,
the question is closed.
Nothing lasts and everything is solvable. As soon as our perception is aligned with love and
being for and not against, we will be grounded with our true self, that is Love.

I am love.
I choose love.
I love Love.
Love Vision
Create a vision statement.
Ask yourself: What would my life be like if I knew I was always being guided by love?
Surrender to your boldest creative thoughts and imagine what life would be like if you knew you
were always being guided. If you feel even the slightest sense of peace after reading your vision
statement, then you are tapping into your truth.
What are you waiting for to experience the life you just described?
Let Love be your guide.

Healing: where you arrive is where it begins

After experiencing a resolution in the field, we always feel high. We finally understand many
aspects and it feels empowering and magical. Our first thought could be Wow, I am healed! In
a way, its true. However, we need to keep our guard up. This lightness and feel good sensation
generally only last for a few weeks. When the resolution is completely integrated internally, the
orgasmic feeling disappears. We may retain the happiness but not the magic. When we become
addicted to that enlightenment and resist going back to a normal state, do we know what that
means? It means we are probably more concerned about feeling high than healed.
A heroin addict knows heroin isnt good for their health; however the thrilling, fulfilling feelings
they get from a hit is so good that they dont think about the next day or consequences, death
To heal, we must overcome our addiction to being high. To be high, we need to suffer and if we
heal, we wont suffer anymore. Its a vicious circle to monitor carefully.
This is why we need to be committed to our healing. It is the most important aspect of growth.
Without our commitment, our helpers dedication will be useless. We have to work continuously
and not look for rainbows and butterflies.

The goal of therapy or healing techniques is not to cover the pain by getting a hit from aha
moment resolutions; its to reveal the pain, acknowledge it, accept it and move forward.
Happiness is an achievement of the soul. Its not a superficial, quick fix deal. Its an endless
state. We have to be super realistic in our healing journey and approach it from a mindful, adult
perspective. We have to be aware that happiness takes time, it wont happen in a day and we must
be willing to commit to it for the rest of our life.
We need to practice happiness every day. This will be the difference between where we are
standing right now and where we want to go.
We feel good because we want to feel good. We find a way to align with what we want to feel
good. This is the real life experience.
Lets open our eyes to beauty. Focus on joy. Think of positive things. Follow the impulse to be
Lets be aware of where we are vibrationally. Lets speak our truth.
Engagement, commitment and practice are the three invaluable keys for deep healing. Love
surrounds these keys above all.
Its easy to love ourselves when everything flows. The devotion to our goal of happiness will be
harder when things arise to challenge us. When those days come, see them as training, and above
all lets love ourselves more.

One of my favorite quotes:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We must ask ourselves,
who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. You playing small doesnt serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not in just some of us; it's
in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do
the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson
I am worthy of happiness.
I choose what makes me happy today.
My vulnerability is my true strength.
Sparkling Slivers
A healing journey is a process. It cant happen in one day. You have to be consistent and
committed to your healing. Some days, you will want to give up. During those days when your
energy is down, think about why you started your journey. Why did you make the choice to
become a

better version of yourself every day? Happiness is only a perception, and this is why you have to
nurture the perception every day with small things. Pay attention to the little things each day a
smile from a stranger, a cupcake, a sunray on your balcony these are messages of love. Notice
and be thankful for them.
Be grateful and thankful for the beauty in your life. Every morning or night, write down 10 things
that you are grateful for. Do this for at least 40 consecutive days. By paying attention to your
blessings, you will reinforce your healing journey.

When the family system is in order, there is a feeling of relief and peace. All of our life
experiences start working harmoniously together again.
Every time I receive a new resolution, it is always a meaningful moment.
A year ago, I experienced a beautiful resolution that will always keep an important place in my
The night before the resolution, I had an ocular migraine, which caused blurred vision and a
headache. I went to bed and slept for 12 hours!
The next day, when I arrived at the workshop, the first thing I heard was a woman who was
participating to the workshop, talking about the significance of the eyes: the soul of the father
is in the right eye and the mothers is the left
At that moment, I knew this journey was going to be special.
We were in a circle and one by one, we described the issue we wanted to work on. When it was
one mans turn, I looked at him for the first time. I hadnt seen or noticed him until then. I could
only see his profile. However, suddenly he caught my attention. There was something about him
that was very disconcerting for me.
I realized he bore an uncanny resemblance to my father. I was hypnotized. He wore the same
glasses, jeans, and

luxury shoes. He had the same grey hair, height and made the same gesture of touching his
stomach. Maybe I was trying to convince myself that there was a part of my father in him but no! I
spent six hours with this man and I guarantee that I was not insane or wishful; I was not trying to
see my father in him. I seized this chance to speak with my father through this man in silence.
When he stood up to represent someone in the field, I was swamped by a huge wave of emotions.
I started talking to my inner father, silently within. I used this man to finally have my talk with
him. Several times, tears came to my eyes.
During the entire day, I kept him in my field of vision. I was gripped by this sign I believe my
angels gave me. Truthfully, I wasnt present in the circle. I felt selfish in this workshop. I just
wanted to speak to my father through this man. However, sometimes thats how we are able to
give by first taking care of our needs in a real, open way.
At the end of the day, I went over to this man to get his business card. He gave me his card and
here was the final touch. His name was William, the same as my brother. I was so shocked that he
asked me if there was something wrong with his name. I told him the truth about my resolution. He
just hugged me and I whispered, Thank you.
Thank you William, for representing my father in silence, exactly how he is.
This was a harmonious day that added a new note to the sheet music that my dad and I have
shared since my birth, whether he is present or not.

In every situation, I see a means to resolve one of my shadows.
Resolutions bring me peace.
I open my mind and my heart to receive guidance that will lead me to a resolution.
Sheet Music
It is always trickier to make peace with someone who is still alive and doesnt want to see you,
or, when the lines of communication are down in a particular relationship. First, you need to
accept the decision, then you will be able to send love.
To help you in this process, create a list of a family members or significant others you are/feel
estranged from or are having difficulty communicating with. Note all of the things you are grateful
to him or her for. Write down all the good memories of this person. See the good in this person.
If its your mother or father, at the very least, they gave you everything life!
Every time you experience a moment of doubt, read your gratitude list about this person and you
will see your energy rise quickly!

Small Miracles and Moments of Grace

I have experienced many insights into family system dynamics since I became involved in Family
Constellations. Every time, I have been amazed to see what appeared in the field. I would like to
share a few of these stories to illustrate the power of this healing modality.
1) A woman had five abortions. She was clueless about her behavior. She didnt
know why she was repeating the same issue, even though she wanted to have a baby
one day. The field revealed to her that she was loyal to her mother. Indeed, her
mother has six kids. The client was the youngest one. The mom tried to abort the first
five children without success. When she got pregnant with her last daughter however,
she decided to follow through with the pregnancy without entertaining any thoughts of
abortion. However, the youngest daughter always heard her talking about her five
unsuccessful abortions. When the client got the resolution, her face became radiant.
In bringing everything to awareness she could understand herself, take responsibility,
love herself, and begin to imagine moving on.
2) A woman was desperate to attract her soul mate. She didnt understand why she
was so attracted to bad guys. When the facilitator set up her constellation, the client
just ran away from the person representing her soul mate. She would have actually
left the room she was that scared of him and his love for her. She was scared to
suffer again. She was just not ready for him. When she saw this

3) dynamic she understood that it was not mens fault, rather, she needed to heal
herself first. This was a huge relief for her. As Bert Hellinger says, The wrong
way is endless.
4) A gay man lost his dad when he was seven years old. Everyone in his family
often told him that his dad would never have accepted his sexuality. He felt very
guilty about it. The field revealed that his dad was already aware of his sons
sexuality and he wasnt upset by it, at all. It was a huge breakthrough for the client.
He was finally able to accept himself entirely without any guilt.
5) A woman always thought that she had an older brother. She wanted to know if
the field would show this dynamic. It did. According to the field, her father had a
first child and he was likely an unborn baby or a miscarriage. She got her resolution
and a few weeks later during a family dinner, her dad told the family that before he
met his wife, he had a relationship with someone else. He left her without knowing
that she was pregnant. She had a baby, a son, who unfortunately died after six
These few examples alone illustrate the power we can experience through a Family Constellation.
When I participate in Family Constellations, I am always speechless. Every time, I get a different
resolution about an issue that allows me to be more present in my life. I have felt grounded ever
since I discovered Family Constellations.

I loved the exploration into my roots and who I am. The process of putting my family puzzle
pieces together transformed from hidden alleys of fear initially into a fascinating journey. Try it!
I celebrate synchronistic moments when the mysterious flow of life brings me to the right
place, at the right time.
I trust that an invisible hand is guiding me and enjoy each moment in peace.
The Universe has my back.
What about you? Can you make any connections between your actual behavior and the behaviors
of your ancestors? Are you unwittingly imitating someone in your family? Or do you repeat the
same behavior without having any clues as to why?
If you made your family tree in the first chapter, take another look at it and see if you can make
any connections between one destiny and another. Let your intuition guide you into the labyrinth of
your roots.

When was the last time we surrendered entirely to ourselves? When did we simply trust the flow
of our path, without knowing anything about where the path was heading?
This means experiencing life without a safety net and having faith in our day. Letting things run
their course, without doubt.
When did we last surrender? If we cant remember, its time to bring trust back into our life.
When we trust, we have faith to surrender all of our fears, doubts and worries.
By letting the Universe (or the entity that is meaningful to us) guide us with signs, messages and
whispers from our inner voice, we completely appreciate being alive. We will see things
differently. We will be satisfied with particular or casual situations. Our breath will become
deeper and more grounded. We will feel rooted and fully present. We will be able to experience
the power of now that could give us spectacular shifts for our healing and spiritual journey.
This ultimate surrender can be seen as an epiphany. In this clarity, we will acknowledge our true
self and the power of our thoughts will be unlimited. We will make great choices for ourselves
and automatically, this beautifully impacts our environment and people who surround us
By letting go, we allow others to do the same. We create a movement. This movement is a wave
of love, trust and serenity. We will savor bliss even during challenges,

because we know how to overcome our shadows and fears. We will be surrounded by a light that
guides our way.
Our body and aura will radiate confidence and love, thereby attracting great opportunities and
encounters, further feeding our happiness.
With this feeling of empowerment, we may release and surrender, disconnecting from people who
no longer serve us. We will see more clearly who is here for us and who is not. Habits that are
no longer useful will be released too.
We will be entirely involved in every moment of our life. We will make love with passion and
devotion to our lover. We will give without expectation of others. We will receive without any
guilt. We will embrace our meaning without any shame. We will look people in the eyes. We will
speak our truth. We will follow our desire. We will dream bigger and bigger because we will
know that we are unlimited.
If we want to experience this feeling of unlimited power, Family Constellations can help us to
achieve our quest.
When we enter into the field and start constellating our family system --or any issue that we have
to deal with-- the authentic truth that emerges can free us from old chains. This understanding will
allow us to release the string so that we can accept and love ourselves. This is the breakthrough,
through invisible walls without the need to change our story.
Family Constellations can guide us in our healing venture. This philosophy gives us permission to
be fully aligned with our emotions and feelings about events and people. Only love is present in
the field. There is no place for

judgment, accusation, violence or rejection. Those old ways are what caused troubled dynamics
in the first place. Everyone will be recognized and loved. We will make peace with our past and
the effects on our present shall be tremendous!
When will we understand that our power lies in our surrendering mindset? When will we accept
to just be? When will we understand that surrendering is the start? The start of freedom, the start
of happiness, the start of joy and so many more amazing things! Surrender and then you will be in
full power. Controlling is only resistance and we are never powerful when we are resistant to
life. We are tired, frustrated, angry, depressed and dont look at being happy!
When we surrender, we get the answers that we were looking for.
So, repeat after me: I surrender to the power that is mine.
Just be. Be in the now. Youre seen, youre heard and, yes, you belong to us. You can be
vulnerable because your real strength is there. You can be who you are. So, please, surrender to
your true self.
I will slowly let go of the people who no longer serve my life and who I can no longer serve.
I am surrendering.
I am in the now.

Start Anew
Imagine that you have the capacity to surrender whatever is blocking your way, right now. This
new approach to your life gives you a fresh aura and power. You are indestructible. You can
attract everything you want.
What will you dare to do? Which new resolutions will you make? What will your next actions
See yourself filled with capacity and dream big!
In your notebook, write down your answers to the above questions, so step by step, you can start
creating the life of your dreams,
You are capable. You are enough. Spread your wings.

Here we are in the last chapter, number 33, symbolizing the last vertebra.
We have been working on our spinal cord throughout this book and it is almost in movement.
Hopefully our back is already feeling stronger and our feet more grounded. Even if we havent
done all the exercises or affirmations so far, we can commit to this maxim: Today is the first day
of the rest our life.
Today is a new chapter, a new beginning. Lets commit to ourselves. I like the way the word
commitment sounds like come meet me, an apt description for the commitment and compromise
needed to reach your true self.
Two things are really important. The first is to take what personally resonates throughout reading
this book and leave the rest. Secondly, we must always be in movement that is move forward
with our decisions and actions. By being in continuous movement, our mind will focus on the
essential tasks and steps required to move on instead of focusing on useless thoughts or behaviors
from the past that do not serve us.
As soon as we feel stuck: lets Dance, Move, Laugh, Run, Walk, Make Love, Sing, or Write
Lets create a wave of hope and revive our energy.
In action, we feel courage over fear. We feel discovery over loss. We feel love over hate. We
feel willpower over despair. We feel support over rejection. We feel the

present moment over the past and future. We feel alive over being sick.
The fear of change blocks us from embracing our lifes honesty and our incredible power! What
if? is a phrase that could be banished from our mind! Something will happen but why focus on
the worst case scenario instead of the best? Whats the point? Where is the pleasure in imagining
burdens and sufferings that dont even exist yet?
As my teacher, Michelle said: A happy ending cannot happen in the middle of the story. So,
live the story wake up, breathe and make the choice to be happy every day.
Today, I choose to be happy, abundant, fierce, prosperous, funny (pick your words!)
Dare to have the life that you want and fall fearlessly in love with it.
In this new beginning, dare to be YOU.
I live my life to the fullest.
I start to let go of the things that are not serving me well.
I embrace my new beginning.
Come Meet Me
Experience a Family Constellations session!

Please refer to the list in the appendix for resources on finding a facilitator in your area.

After three years, I finally have the book that I wanted to read when I was starting my journey.
Its a part of me, my family, love life, experiences and so much more. Thank you to all of you who
contributed to it. You were my teachers; you helped me to become this woman that I wanted to be.
The polishing is still in process but I can proudly say without a doubt that I finally love it!
Thank you to all of my angels who had a tiny or huge impact in my life - without you it wouldnt
have been the same.
My love especially goes to my.
Parents. You were and are still amazing. I love you so much.
Brother. I love you.
Little girl. We are doing a great job! I love you.
Grandparents. Thank you for your love, patience and teachings. Mam, one day, I will teach my
children, how to talk to roses
Godson. Thank you for your love and being unique. Never let anyone tell you what you are
capable of because you can achieve whatever you want. I love you.
To my family and cousins, especially Nono. I will always remember our conversations that make
me smile.
To my friends I am so grateful to have so many good, talented and fascinating friends. Thank
you for your support, laughs, tears, love, confidences, strengths and so

much more. You are my treasures. Anne-Cecile, Laetitia, Deborah, Celine, Leslie, Cecilia,
Elodie, Marie, Isabelle, Christelle, Michele, Alison, Denise, Medhi, Romain, Antoine, Baptiste,
Claire, Priscilla, Amy, Marietou, Jessica, Jennifer, Erika, Delphine, Alexia, Dan, Laurence,
Cme, Eva, Veronique, Lydie, Marion, Ellen, Galle and Jenny.
To my teachers and healers Emmanuelle, Michelle, Mariola, Phillia, John, Stuart, Amanda,
Nina, Sabine, Mimi, Johanna, Nikki, Danielle, Kenny, Suzi, Natalie, Georgette, Erika and Ruby.
To my lovers and to you my love, who makes every new day spent with you magical.
To Maha Rose and Awakening in Greenpoint, Brooklyn; the first healing centers that believed in
me. Thank you for your trust.
To RKA Ink Team. Thank you for your amazing work on my website and book cover. You rock!
To Namaste Bookshop.
Finally, I thank all of my clients who have shared their stories and opened their hearts with me
over the years. Its been a complete honor, with many astonishing moments. I bow to each and
every one of you.

References / Bibliography
Page 13: Toni Morrison. (n.d.). Retrieved November 17, 2015, from
Website :
Page 23: Marianne Williamson, 2004, The Gift of Change, Harper Collins Publisher, New York,
Page 35: Bert Hellinger, 2001, Loves Own Truths, Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, Inc, Phoenix, AZ
Page 38: Bert Hellinger, 2001, Loves Own Truths, Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, Inc, Phoenix, AZ
Page 41: Daniel Booth Cohen, Messengers of Healing: The Family Constellations of Bert
Hellinger Through the Eyes of a New Generation of Practitioners, Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, Inc
and J. Edward Lynch, Phoenix, AZ

Page 59: Bert Hellinger, 2001, Loves Own Truths, Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, Inc, Phoenix, AZ
Page 64: Jodi Picoult, 2009, Handle With Care: A Novel, Atria Books, New York, NY
Page 86: Suicide 2015. In the Free Dictionary by Farlex, Dictionary online.
Retrieved from :

Page 109: Bert Hellinger, 1998, Love's Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in
Relationships, Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, Inc, Phoenix, AZ
Page 112: Marianne Williamson, 1992, A Return to Love, Harper Collins Publisher, New York,

Resources and Extra Support

Francine Shapiro, 2001, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Basic
Principles, Protocols, and Procedures, The Guilford Press, New York
Francine Shapiro, 2012, Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life With Self-Help
Techniques From EMDR Therapy, Rodale, New York
Family Constellations
Joy Manne, 2009, Family Constellations: A Practical Guide to Uncovering the Origins of
Family Conflict, North Atlantic Books, California
Bert Hellinger, 1998, Loves Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Relationships, Zeig,
Tucker & Theisen, Inc, Phoenix, AZ
Bert Hellinger, 2001, Loves Own Truths, Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, Inc, Phoenix, AZ
Bert Hellinger, 2014, Looking Into the Souls of Children, Hellinger Publications, Germany
Find a facilitator
New York State:
Marine Slne

Suzi Tucker
Natalie Berthold
Mark Wolynn
Michelle Blechner
John Moore
Family Constellations Therapy US:
Bert Hellinger Founder of Family Constellations
Eating Disorders
National Eating Disorder Association (to find a specialist / therapist in your

The books that made a difference for me

Psychomagic by Alejandro Jodorowsky
The Zahir by Paolo Coelho
May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Reconciliation by Thich Nhat Hanh
Essential Ayurveda by Shubhra Krishan
The Instinct to Heal by David Servan-Schreiber
And Never Stop Dancing by Gordon Livington
The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
The Why Caf by John P. Strelecky
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
The 8 Human Talents by Gurmukh
A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
The Man Who Wanted to be Happy by Laurent Gounelle
Wild by Cheryl Strayed
Les Lumires de lInvisible by Patricia Darr (Only french version)

About the Author

Marine Slne is the creator of an inspirational approach to life and holistic healing service,
through, her dedicated online resource; personalized coaching programs,
Family Constellations, Organizational workshops and The Happiness Movement (In-person
Happiness Lab and other fun enlightening workshops).
As an integrative coach, Family Constellations facilitator, Reiki practitioner and motivational
speaker she helps and guides her clients to a point where they can fly on their own.
Her approach is simple: create a life of fulfillment, a life that is constantly moving in the direction
of pure joy, empowerment and accomplishment.
Her background in communications and psychology, as well as her own challenges thinking she
was not-enough led her to develop her own tools and tips that form part of her own business
you see today at and in her practice. She unlocked, released and healed all the
patterns and burdens that were blocking her path to become the happy girl that she was meant to
Her energy, passion and dedication to healing and empowering beliefs is contagious.