Two Boys and One Girl

Chapter 1 August
The summer was coming to and end and Dylans
senior year in high school would be starting soon. A
persons senior year in high school seems like what
life has been building up to when they are still so
young. All the hard work and time put into studying
was now about ready to pay off. It was a moment
that defines from passing from child to adult in that
symbolic moment as they cross that stage and receive
that diploma. It is like life is saying, This is it kid,
no more games, adulthood is ready to begin.
This is the year of college applications and prom,
and leaving the nest. As one is leaving high school
they feel that it now will all come in college. College
is where you find yourself, become who you were
born to be. These past younger years have been
mostly about the genetics of growing up. You get
taller, hair in strange places, and zits like the stars.
You have insecurities, doubts, there are clicks that
seemed like they mattered so much that soon fade
from memory so very quickly. Those years soon fade
into what are called glory days. Most of your
conversations with past friends will always contain,
Remember when?
Dylan was like every other kid who dreams

about senior year. College was a real possibility, he

made great grades, and his parents made a decent
living. There was the prom that would be exciting,
and of course homecoming. But there was one thing
a little different about Dylan, not that it should be a
big deal, but to some it is. Dylan is gay.
Dylan was fortunate to be born to two parents
who loved him so much that him being gay had really
not been that big of a deal. Dylan had never been in
the closet, he had just been himself.
Dylans parents; Andy and Karen, were both
RNs, and had worked in psyche since Dylan had
been born. Andy and Karen had met at work and that
had been that. When Dylan was born both his
parents had been very proud. It was both of theirs
first child, and each of them were now in their
thirties. They made decent money and were educated
people. Both had expressed a desire for their child to
be an only child so they could lavish upon him all the
things they never had. They believed that by having
only one child they would then have the money it
took to educate him in private schools and provide
for him more exposure to culture.
Everyone told them that only childs are spoiled
and difficult, but Andy and Karen had just shrugged
that off.
Its about how you raise them, not the fact that
they are an only child. I have seen families of three

kids that totally act like little demons, Andy had

remarked to a friend.
That was true. Andy worked in pediatric psyche
and he had seen first hand children that are raised
improperly. He could say that 95% of the children
that came to his wing did so not because of actual
psyche issues, most were there because of behavior.
You did have children that had been born with
learning disabilities, and a majority of these cases
were due to the fact that their mothers had drank or
took drugs during their pregnancies. Some cases
were genetic, and due to unforeseeable factors that in
many cases were unknown to the parents. But there
was that 95% who were there because mom and dad
were just shitheads.
When you are discharging a kid and you have to
sit down with mom or dad and go over the childs
after care treatment you quickly learn why the kid
was there in the first place. Andy had lost count of
how many times he could tell, while speaking with
the parents, that they were either high or drunk. He
didnt care how politically incorrect it may sound, but
poverty, and little education walks hand in hand with
dysfunctionality. When you have tats covering every
square inch of your body then no wonder why it is
hard to get a job. Or if youre a single mom stop at
six kids please if you cant support them.
The parents were allowed to come to visit on

every second day once the child had been admitted.

Andy often thought of this one child, that while on
the unit was trouble, but could be handled, but after a
visit that same child would come back on the unit in
hurricane mode. Andy, himself, had at night to help
this little boy put on his one piece footy pajamas
because the kid was so unable to do so himself. The
little boy was actually adorable. Chubby, blue eyes
and curly blond hair.
Suck in your gut, Andy would say with a grin
as he zippered up the boys pajamas. The little boy
would then take in a deep breath as he sucked in his
chubby tummy with all his might as the zipper came
up.
But when this boys awesome mom showed up
for visitation the first thing she would do is buy him
everything he wanted out of the vending machines.
Soft drinks and candy for this already chubby little
man. And with all that sugar in him he would come
back to the unit in terror mode. Andy would only
shake his head and wonder what the mom thought
was the reason why her child was acting out at home?
Could it be all the sugar? Most kids with ADD dont
have ADD, they have sugaritis.
Think about this for a moment. The kid comes
home and you top of their tank with sugar and then
you flop your fat ass down in front of Judge Judy and
the kid throws a fit and you get mad. What did you

think was going to happen? You are too busy on your

phone updating your Facebook and your kid has so
much energy that you would think he was a meth
head with no real outlet for all that energy and you
get mad at him. One could only roll their eyes and
shake their head.
My kid isnt going to be like this, Andy would
say. Im not one of those hippy liberals, but Im
never taking my kid to McDonalds. Kids dont have
money, so when we go shopping I am not buying that
bull shit!
Lucky for Andy, Karen was a strong woman, and
the two of them had worked in psyche long enough to
see the issues when it comes to the mismanagement
of a child. So, Dylan ate home cooked meals, he got
sweets on special occasions, and his artistic and
creative emotions were nurtured. He was not pushed
into anything. He was exposed to something, and if
he took a liking to it, then it was encouraged. The
saying should not be spare the rod spoil the child, it
should be, Spare your brain when raising a child then
beat yourself to death with the rod because it is all
your fault mom and dad.
Both Andy and Karen knew that by the time
Dylan was three that he was gay. People that say you
are not born gay are idiots. I cant sugar coat that.
Now it could be genetics, or some miss match of the
chromosomes, or some other unknown factor, but you

are born homosexual. If you had been around as

many children in their careers as Andy and Karen had
been around then you would know this. It is in the
walk, the mannerisms, the toys they choose to play
with, and just their internal makeup. Its in the bones.
On Youtube you can see all those amazing
videos of children coming out to their parents and the
parents who smile and cry and say we always have
known. If you love your child you know everything
about them. You know their smell, that look in their
eye when they are telling you a lie, you know it.
Those parents that fane ignorance do so because they
themselves are in denial. How can you not know
your own child? This is your flesh, and you can say
that you were in the dark? Are you blind?
Another thing about Dylan was the fact that for a
boy, he had always been more frail than the other
boys his own age. He was not unhealthy, but he was
slim, he had a rounder face, dark piercing eyes, and
beautiful hair. Karen had let him grow it out when he
was younger and so often he had been mistaken for a
girl that it had just become common. Andy and
Karen had a son, but as he grew they both began to
notice how feminine he appeared. He had long
eyelashes, thin arms and slender fingers. His lips
were pouty, he was really pretty.
Once while on a doctor visit with Dylans
pediatrician they had brought this up to the doctor.

Hes perfectly healthy, he is perfectly formed,

the doctor had told them.
We are not upset about this fact, and we are
glad that he is healthy, but could it be an issue with
his chromosomes, maybe the X, XY ratios were off in
some way, Karen had asked?
I assure you, Dylan is perfectly healthy. A lot
of little boys do appear feminine looking before
puberty, but I am sure that once he gets older he will
grow into a fine young man, the doctor had said
with a smile.
Dylan had grown into a fine young man, but now
at almost 17, he still had some of those feminine
features. He was only about five foot six and only
weighed about 115. He wore his hair shorter, about
down to his nose in the front and his shirt collar in
the back. But his face had really never lost its
roundness and his lips and eyes were of a creation
that most women would die for. His friends called
him the white version of Selena Gomez, and he liked
this fact. Another great thing was that Dylan had
been raised in a great town in south Texas. Oh no, I
said south Texas, but remember they are not all
rednecks and hicks. Bayport was a lovely little town
of about 35,000 people right on the gulf coast. Dylan
now attended Brewer private school, and had done so
since he was in kindergarten. He had been raised
with all the same children and they knew him forever.

Sure, there is always a few that have to be asses and

bully, but most knew him and accepted him.
Dylan and his parents lived on Flamingo Drive
that was on a canal that passed through the
neighborhood. So, their house was right on the
water. They had lived in the same house since Dylan
had been born.
Dylans best friend, since he was in kindergarten,
was Seth, who had lived next to him his entire life.
His other bff was a girl named, Amy.
Seth and Dylan were the same age and had been
born only a month apart. Seths parents were named
Tim and Susan, and were good friends of Andy and
Karen. Sadly, Tim had gotten colon cancer two years
ago and had passed away. But Susan was a great
lady, and Tim and her had worked and saved money
and so Seths life had not been as disrupted as it
could have been.
The two little boys had sit out on the back dock
and fished with cane poles since they were small.
They had a thousand cookouts in both backyards and
shot fireworks into the canal every forth of July.
They had sleepovers and campouts, making smores
with their dads their whole lives. Seth was not a
jock, but he did love guitar and piano, and had started
his own garage band when he was 13. He called his
band Trashcan Lilies.
Trashcan Lilies, what does that mean, Dylan

had asked when Seth told him the name?

All great bands have a clever name, Seth had
said as they sat up in his room watching South Park.
Im not saying it isnt a cool name, but what
does it mean, Dylan enquired?
I was thinking what was ugly and smelly and
then beautiful, Seth began? Trashcans stink and
are all beat up, thats like heavy metal. Then lilies
are all pretty and soft and smell good, so it shows we
have depth, Seth said with a wink.
Dylan rolled his eyes and then laughed, You
have depth?
Shut up, Seth said with a grin. You know, I
am an artist, lilies and a trashcan, there is some
deeper meaning there.
Oh yeah, thats what I have been asking, what
does it mean, Dylan said as he sat forward on his
bed with his arms outstretched?
It means, Seth then paused as he thought for a
moment, we are ugly on the outside, rough and loud,
but on the inside we are beautiful and real musicians
like all that classical music that I play on the piano.
I see, Dylan said as he sat back, youve been
dreaming about your interview in Rolling Stone.
No, Seth said as he swiped his long bangs out
of his eyes, Bach and Beethoven are masters, their
music is classic. My band is like them, classic and
still hard and rough. Trashcan Lilies. Get it?

I get it, Dylan said, I really do.

Whatever, Seth remarked.
No, I do dude. Youre saying dont judge a
book by its cover, right?
Yeah, Seth said as a sparkle rose in his eyes,
Yes, thats perfectly right!
I got it, Dylan said as he sat back with a smile,
told you.
The day after Tims funeral Dylan had looked
out his bedroom window to see his friend sitting on
the dock like they had done so many times before. It
was getting dark as he walked out and sat down next
to his long time friend.
Hey, Dylan said as he sat down allowing his
legs to dangle off the dock just above the water next
to Seth.
Whats up, Seth asked?
Im sorry Dylan began.
No, Seth snapped, dont you say it too, Seth
said as he looked at his friend. Everyone has been
treating me like Im some charity case since my dad
died.
We just love you, Dylan said.
Its not that, I know you guys love me. Im just
tired of being treated like I have the plague. My dad
died and that sucks, everyone is sorry, we are all
sorry, but that doesnt change things.
I didnt mean too, Dylan said softly.

No, I know that, Seth said as he looked at

Dylan, and then back to his own reflection in the
water bellow him. They can all be sorry, I just want
you and me to be the same, Im still the same guy,
Seth said as his wiped away the tears in his eyes.
He was angry and that was acceptable. This had
all been very hard on him. Tim had been his biggest
fan. Tim had exposed him to music at a young age.
Both of Seths parents taught at their school. His
mom taught English and Tim taught music. It had
been Tim that had first introduced Seth to classic
music and taught him to play the piano. From then
on it had been the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and
Eric Clapton. Tim bought him his first 6 string and
allowed him to play it as loud as he wanted in the
garage that he had converted into his sons own
studio and practice room.
Seth looked at Dylan, his eyes filled with tears
sparkling in the moonlight. Just you treat me the
same.
I promise, Dylan said as the two friends
hugged, and then sat into the night as the stars came
out and danced off the surface of the little canal
behind their house.
Chapter 2 September
God, I hate you, Amy said as she sat behind

Dylan who sat in front of his mirror in his room.

Why, Dylan said as he looked at her in the
mirror?
Cuz youre a boy and you are hotter than me,
Amy said.
Your dumb, Dylan said with a sly grin as he
looked at himself in the mirror.
Here, Amy said as he reached down into her
purse, some guy liner.
Dylan took the eyeliner and then began to apply
it to his eyes. Amy stared at him in the mirror as he
worked on his eyes. She was a cute girl, strawberry
blond hair and cute little freckles on her nose and
cheeks.
I hate my stupid freckles, Amy said as she took
a sponge from out her bag and began to cover her
freckles in concealer.
Why, I think they are cute, Dylan said as he
continued to line his eyes.
You do, Amy said with a roll of her eyes as she
patted the makeup to her face.
There, Dylan said as he finished applying the
eyeliner and sat back, what do you think?
Amys eyes studied him for a moment, Like I
said, I hate you.
Dylan only smiled at her in the mirror as he
turned on his chair and Amy plopped down to the
floor with her bag in her lap.

No guys ever pay me any attention, Amy

huffed as she grabbed her phone and began to stare
intently into it.
Thats not true, Dylan said.
All I know is the best guy out there for me is
gay, Amy said with a quick glance up at Dylan and
then back down to her phone.
Dylan just shook his head.
Dylan had known Amy for as long as he had
known Seth. But it had been around the age of 12
that their relationship had begun to change. Amy had
always followed Dylan around like a little puppy dog.
She had always loved him. And when the two had
begun to go through puberty her love for him had
turned sexual in nature.
It had happened on a family trip to the beach and
they had been playing in the water all day. It was
now getting dusk and their families had started a fire
on the beach and were cooking when Amy had pulled
Dylan out to the dunes. They had walked up and
over the sliding white sand until they had reached a
place where they were out of both eye and ear shot.
Right here, Amy had said as she turned and
through her arms up on Dylans shoulders.
What, Dylan had said as he stood there with
his arms at his side?
The perfect place, Amy said.
For what, Dylan asked?

Our first kiss, Amy said with a giggle!

But I dont think of you that way, Dylan
remarked.
Ok, I know that you are gay, but come on, we
are friends, Amy said.
But thats it, I am gay, I like other boys.
But we are friends, Amy said, dont you get
curious?
I do, but about guys, Dylan said as he took a
step back, but Amy just matched him and took a step
forward.
Come on, Amy forced, look around, its
almost dark, in the dark its just feelings.
But I know in my head.
Close your eyes, just for a minute, Amy
suggested as her arms seemed to tighten around his
neck.
Ok, Dylan said in the darkness of the dunes.
Good, Amy said softly as she leaned forward
and they kissed.
Her lips tasted salty from the ocean, but the
sensation of the kiss was not all bad. It was nice to
be close to another person, and Amy was his best girl
friend.
Was that bad, Amy asked quietly?
No, Dylan said.
See, we are friends, best friends, and us doing
things is not bad, its just friends learning together.

You and I are single, we are just learning, Amy said.

I guess, Dylan said softly.
Cool, Amy said as she dropped her arms from
around his neck and took his hand in hers, lets get
back, I am starving.
They were just 12 and in the height of puberty,
and for any child that is a strange time. There are all
these new feelings and changes happening to both
your body and mind. It is good to feel loved by
someone, it builds up your already thin shell of
confidence. Amy was right Dylan thought to himself
that night as he rode with his mom and dad back o
their house. They are friends, and even though she
was a girl, being touched and kissed did feel good.
The skin is just skin, it has a million little things that
tingle when touched. Yes, he was gay, but being
touched felt good. Was it wrong to feel good, when
his mom rubbed his back to help him fall asleep it felt
good, and that was his mom. It just felt good to be
touched. Being in puberty made it a thousand time
better.
Dylan, like any boy his age had been
masturbating for a while now, and any sensation was
a good one. Even though it was a girl that was
touching him, he could close his eyes and dream of
anyone. That is how it had started between them.
Amy would come over and they would be up in his
room and her hand would be on his body and his

hand would be on hers. Amy had been the first

person to make him come without the use of his own
hand. Lying on his bed he had felt her hand reach
down beneath the covers and into his jeans. She had
been rough at first as this was new to her as well.
She had been a little to eager and he had to take a
hold of her wrist and slow her hand. But as the
feelings began to rise he would close his eyes and
escape away to his own little world of fantasy.
His thoughts were not perverted like many think
a homosexuals might be. It was not strange or sick,
some perverse orgy with a million bouncing dicks. It
was just the face on one boy. The roughness of the
stubble that grew on his chin and cheeks. The way
his hair did that thing under the air of a blowing
ceiling fan. The veins in his arms that Dylans finger
glided over down to his hand. Then the feeling of his
hand as they held them tightly locked together and
they kissed as he had kissed Amy in the dunes. It
was simple, not like you see in some porno. It was
innocent, soft, gentle, it was two people, not boys or
girls, but just two people that stood in the darkness of
the dunes and loved one another. What is sexuality,
is it flaps of skin, skin and more skin. It is not in our
bodies, but in our mind, the most powerful sexual
muscle there is. It is in our heart, in the pit of our
stomach when we know that we need this person,
love this person, whether they be male or female. He

did not know why he loved how he loved, he just

knew in his own heart that this was the way that he
was made and it was okay to be this way.
Now, Amy said as she got up from the bed and
retrieved a washcloth and wiped off her hand. You
can do me.
His heart had been pounding as he had been
enraptured by his thoughts, but now it was her turn.
Amy was his friend, and he knew that even though
she liked this way more than him, he had to do his
part. Amy was straight and her hand on his dick was
something she liked, but his hand on her vagina was a
completely different story. He was nervous to say the
least.
Amy lay on the bed on her back as she reached
out for his hands, Here, she said as she brought
them under her shirt and too her breasts. Like this,
she instructed.
Her skin was hot and soft. He felt the little
lumps of her A cups and then the hardness of her
already erect nipples. Pinch them, she said softly
with her eyes closed and her head back in the pillow.
Dylan did as he was told as Amy arched her back
slightly as he touched her. Easy, she cooed as he
eased up a bit, nice and easy, she whispered.
This play only lasted a few moments before her
hand found his and began to slide them down her
body towards her vagina. Im already so wet, she

whispered as his hand disappeared into her shorts.

How, he said as he felt the warm wetness of
her vagina?
Like this, she showed him, one finger in and
out.
Dylan did as he was told and before long Amys
sighing had become full fledged moans. Her head
moved from side to side as in under 5 minutes her
body shuddered as she bit her lip, Oh God, she
exhaled.
This is how it had went for a long while as both
Dylan and Amy entered the awkward years of their
adolescents. They would watch porn on their tablets
and touch one another, but even this type of play has
its limits. It was not long before Amy was suggesting
they have sex or at least put their mouths on each
others bodies.
I cant do that, Dylan said as they sat on the
back swing.
Why not, Amy angrily asked?
Touching is just touching that feels good, but
having sex or eating you out is just not what I like,
Dylan tried to explain.
Its just me, I am ugly, Amy cried!
No, Dylan said as he turned to her and took her
hand in his own, you are not ugly, I am just gay, I
like guys. You are straight, and in your eyes I am just
a guy that makes you laugh and you think is hot. To

me you are Amy, my best friend, but you are not a

guy, and I am attracted to guys. I love you, but I love
you as a friend.
I just, Amy began before she stood from the
swing and marked out into the yard with her arms
around her own waist.
Dylan chased after her and placed his hands on
her narrow shoulders, You just what?
Amy turned with tears streaming down her pretty
face, I love you. God, she said in disgust, I know
that you are gay, but you are so great! You do make
me laugh, and yes, you are hot, but thats not all. You
touch me on my body, but you also touch me here,
Amy said as she placed her hand over her heart. In
here, I can feel it too.
I feel it too, Dylan said as he hugged her tight,
and I wish I wasnt gay.
No, Amy said as she pushed away and looked
at him, dont say that, I have been selfish, I wouldnt
never wish for you not to be gay, because being gay
is who you are, and thats the person I love.
Again the two friends embraced. They would
never play the sex games they had played before, but
forever they would love one another more than any
man or woman could love a member of the opposite
sex or the same.
Chapter 3 October

It was almost Halloween, and the news had been

all crazy about how everyone was pissed that Tran
genders and transsexuals were wanting to use
bathrooms that did not correspond with the genitals
they had been born with. That is the one thing that
can you drive crazy is this hang up on skin. I use that
term all the time, but it really is just skin that is
arranged in some order on a atomic scale that makes
up the shapes you are most familiar with. And thats
the problem with straight people and how they will
never understand what it is like to be gay. When they
think of gay they think of all this weird sex and
perverseness like bestiality or pedophilia. Its not in
the skin, its in the brain. When a LGBT person
looks at the person they are attracted to it seems as
normal as breathing. If you are a straight male then a
guys hairy ass or big dick my look gross to you, but
to another gay man it looks just like a pair of big
boobs to a straight guy, just like heaven. And in
reality, sex, and what we see is really all fictional. If
you break it down everything that we see is due to
how our brains interpret the way light hits certain
objects. The light is where the color lives, where the
shape exists. Without light, and without sight, or
hearing, lets take away these things and you were
like Helen Keller, it would then just be about the
sensation and how your brain interrupted it. All you

would know is that this something either feels good

or feels bad, it would not matter if it was male or
female, only the feeling would be real since you can
not see it or hear it. To me that is strange, what sex is
Helen Keller, is she straight. Yes, technically she is
female, but does she know that, or does she know
that because we told her or she feels it in her heart?
Does she even know the difference of what being
male and female is? Even when we are children we
notice the slight differences. To begin with we are all
flat chested but there is a difference, that little thing
or absence of little thing between the legs. What
makes us male and female is truly the thing that
makes us human. It is the ability to know thine self
as Shakespeare put it. I know that I am male or
female and it has nothing to do with the wrapping or
what you see in the light. It has to do with what I feel
inside. So, what is all this nonsense about
bathrooms? Its not about what you see in the light
that causes you to see how you see so your brain can
interpret it, it is how my brain interprets who I am
really. If I am male in a female body then so be it.
The Halloween dance was tonight and Amy was
over at Dylans house putting the final touches on her
Miley Cyrus costume. She had tucked her hair up
under a short blond wig and covered herself in glitter
and sadness. Dylan had dressed up as 80s Miami
Vice with the peach under shirt and the white slacks

and jacket with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows

and the stubble added for effect since he grew very
little of his own.
You know, the 80s are hot right now, Dylan
said as he looked at himself in his mirror.
I know, is Seth going to be there, Amy asked
as she adjusted her wig?
Yeah, his band is playing the dance, Dylan
said.
Cool. Do you think Thomas will think I look
cute, Amy asked as she looked at Dylan?
Thomas was the new boy that Amy had pinned
her hopes on. She never could see how beautiful she
really was, but Dylan too understood how she felt
because being single was getting old. At least Amy
had options, for himself there were none. If there
was another gay boy at his school it was not known.
There were a few that he had his thoughts about, but
they themselves had not come to grip with their true
selves.
If Thomas doesnt think you look amazing then
he is an idiot, Dylan said with a smile.
Yeah youre right, Amy said as she adjusted
her wing one more time, then gave herself a final
look in the mirror before taking his hand. As they
headed out the door Amy made another one of her
quick remarks.
Im sure hell like me if I blow him.

Shut up, girl, Dylan said as they walked from

his bedroom.
Now it was picture time with mom and dad and
what felt like hours of rolling ones eyes and saying,
Okay, mom.
These days they dont call it Halloween at
schools, it the Fall festival, but it was still fun. Seth
was up on the stage, and he was already playing as
Dylan and Amy walked into the gym. All was
decked out in orange and black and there were
refreshments and many couples dancing and
cavorting.
Were you serious about what you said, Dylan
asked Amy as they stood at the back of the gym?
What do you mean, Amy asked all wide eyed
as she waved at another girl?
Youll blow him, Dylan asked?
Are you sexually repressed, Amy asked Dylan
as she looked at him with her eye brows drew in and
her face cocked to the side?
No Dylan stated.
Its no big deal, Amy said as she looked at her
phone. I can do what I want to.
You just dont wan to get a reputation.
A reputation, am I some big slut now, Amy
asked?
Thats not what I meant.
I just want him to like me, Amy remarked.

He will, Dylan said.

Whatever, Amy said, Okay, Ill see you in a
minute. With that Amy took off in the direction of
some other girls that were gathered up near the dance
floor.
Dylan just shook his head as he made his way
through the crowd to the left side of the stage near
where Seth was playing. Seths band was playing a
nice range of cover songs and they were doing a Foo
Fighter song as Dylan approached the stage. As he
stood there watching Seth playing Seth looked right
at him and gave him a nod as he continued his solo.
Amy was right, I just want him to like me. Seth was
Dylans friend, but when it came to his feelings
Dylan knew exactly how Amy had felt when it had
came to her feelings about him. The only difference
was that Dylan was to afraid to ever cross that bridge
with Seth. Seth was this truly amazing person that
played the piano and guitar, sung and beat him at
Xbox. They had sat out in his tent in the back yard
and watched it lightning in the west. They had fished
for hours on the back dock and had shot bottle
rockets at his dad together. But if there had ever been
a boy that he could say that he loved, it was Seth.
In Dylans eyes, Seth was beautiful. It was not
his body or his looks even though he was fine, it was
how he made him feel inside. Sometimes loving
someone can be a difficult thing. Loving someone

can be painful and have bad timing. Seth was his

friend and he could not betray that friendship line.
Yes, he had done that stuff with Amy, but most of that
was not even really sexual in nature, it was more
emotional. They were horny teens and it had stopped
years ago, but Seth was different. Seth was straight,
and when it came to straight boys there was much
difficulty. Some females could just switch it back
and forth like that. Dylan had spent enough time
with girls and he had seen them kiss for fun and grab
each other in ways no straight guy would ever grab
his straight friend. But he was gay and Seth knew
that, but still if he crossed that line could he ever go
back? Would his lust ruin their friendship. He felt so
guilty, but it was not all about lust, it was about love.
When he had comforted Seth out on the dock it had
not been sexual it had been about loving another
person. Why do straights have to do that to gay
people, always say that we cant have a gay guy in
the locker because he would try to screw us all? We
dont want to screw them all, just like straight guys
dont want to screw every girl they see. You like who
you like. Ugh, all this emotion crap and guilt is for
the birds, why not just say fuck it all and go live in a
cave like a monk.
As soon as Seth took a break he found Dylan in
the crowd.
So, what you think man, Seth asked as he took

a drink from out a cup in hand as he stood there

smiling with his face covered in sweat from all this
thrashing?
You guys are awesome, Dylan said.
Cool, Seth said as he shook his head and took
another drink, wheres Amy?
Looking for Thomas, Dylan said as he rolled
his eyes.
Why, Seth asked.
Because he is a guy, you know thats all she
needs, Dylan stated as he looked around the crowd
and then back to Seth.
Yeah, Seth said with a laugh. What you
doing after?
I dont know, Dylan said with a shrug.
Wait for me, dont leave okay.
Sure, Dylan said.
Cool, Seth said before he turned and headed
back to the stage.
For the next 20 minutes Dylan moved around the
gym in search of Amy. He asked every face if they
had seen her but none had? After a moment more he
walked out back to see if she was out there and that is
when he saw her sitting over on the playground in a
swing by herself.
Dylan walked across the mostly empty parking
lot and through the open gate onto the sandy field of
the playground. Amy was seated in the swing just

swaying a little like she was caught in a slight breeze.

I have been looking for you, Dylan said as he
walked up.
Amy looked up, her lipstick all smeared, Ive
been here for a minute.
What happened, Dylan asked?
I did it, she said simply.
You did what?
I saw Thomas and I walked up to him and said
hi, but he was too busy with his friends. So, I
whispered that I wanted to show him something
outside and if he came with me he would not be
disappointed, Amy began. He looked at me then
and smiled, and he looked so cute. We came out back
and started making out near the dumpsters.
The dumpsters, Dylan said.
I know, I am gross, Amy said as she huffed
with her knees drew into one another as her hands
held the chains of the swing so slightly. Then we
came over here to the playground and he sat on the
table over there and I sat on the bench and blew
him.
You fucking blew him, Dylan exploded!
Yeah, I blew him, Amy said as she jumped up
from the swing with her arms waving around! thats
what people do, they have sex! God, you sound like
my mom!
Then what happened, Dylan said as he

followed her off across the dark playground?

Then he fucking came and said he had to go,
thats it, Amy said as she turned back and then held
up her phone to look at herself. The light cast her
face in a harsh light, and with her makeup smeared
across her face and the glitter in her cheeks she
looked like some crazy glam hooker. God, look at
my makeup!
You and your makeup, you just blew some guy
that doesnt give a fuck about you and your all my
makeup, Dylan said the last two words in a mocking
tone.
Fuck you, Dylan, Amy slammed back, you
and I are the same.
No we are not!
We are! You wish you could blow Seth, but
you dont have the guts, at least I go for it, Amy
shouted!
Thats bull shit, Dylan said as he turned from
her.
Oh really, Amy said as she chased after him
and grabbed him by his arm, You and Seth are just
like me and you. I love you and tried, but it didnt
work. You never even tried with Seth.
Hes straight, Dylan shouted as he jerked away
from her!
How do you know, Amy asked him, youre
the one that agreed with me that it was just skin, just

feeling good when we messed around, how do you

know that he wouldnt think the same way?
Because hesDylan said but began to trail
off as he could not explain this conundrum.
What, a guy, Amy asked with her hands on her
hips?
Yes, Dylan said harshly, a guy!
Wow, Amy said as her hands fell to her sides,
you are the one who always says its all about
people loving people and without any senses how
would we define sexuality, but you know very well
how to define it. You never believed a word of your
own garbage. There is a difference, you are a gay
boy and he is a straight boy, you are different.
Its just different, Dylan stammered as he
wiped his hand down his face.
And thats the way the world will always be,
two different levels, the straights on top and the
LGBTs on bottom. Two different species that have
evolved in opposite directions. What about love, we
are all people, why do we have to be defined by
skin?
I am afraid, Dylan finally admitted. He
collapsed under the weight of those three words. He
was afraid. That is the worst part about loving
someone, the fear that comes with wondering if they
might love you back? Seth was the only boy that he
had ever loved. He loved him with a friends love,

but also with a lovers love. He knew what kind of

shampoo he used just by the smell of his hair. He
knew what kind of day he was having just by walking
in front of his garage and hearing him play either his
guitar or piano. And that night out on the dock after
his father had died and he had looked into his tear
filled eyes he loved him with a love that was
protective and powerful. It was the kind of love that
can walk through fire and cross oceans to rediscover.
And he was afraid to loose all that if he made a move
and Seth recoiled from him disgusted. Would all
those years of closeness then be a horror in Seths
eyes that Dylan would see reflected back at him?
Would Seth begin to think about all the close physical
times they had together and be sickened by them?
That is the biggest fear of being gay, the fear of being
thought of like some sort of plague. Was he looking
at me that time I spent the night, did he try to do
something when I was asleep? Seth might ask those
questions, and then he would run from him and might
disappear from his life forever. Even though Dylan
had been raised by parents that accepted him and
went to a school where he was not bullied, the world
still saw him as broken. He could not be broken, it
was like he had to be moral compass of the gay
community, because if he said or did anything it
might be thought of as perversion. If a straight boy
or girl has sex a girl might be called a slut or

whatever, but when it comes to being gay it is like

wearing a scarlet letter. It comes from all the porn
and news, people see gay men wearing leather hoods
with ass plugs and spreading disease like rats. You
could be out of the closet but locked in a bigger
closet by the rest of the world. It was fine to show a
man and woman making out on TV, but show two
gay men and its protest signs and gay bashing. The
world is like we accept you, just keep it behind
closed doors. Thats what the Good people say, I
dont care if youre gay, just do it behind closed
doors, like we are some kind of freaks. Today the
culture is all about the ass, all you see on TV or hear
in music is about her big ass, taking it in the ass, anal,
anal, anal! You take a man and woman that do anal
and its normal. You take two men and suddenly a
hush falls over the crowd and this big, bright
spotlight flashes on the two men and then the fingers
begin to point and then begins the whispering. It is
an abomination, an abomination. Ill tell you the real
abomination, saying you accept me then inside
slowly cringing when you think about my life in
privacy. A straight man or woman may lust over
what their straight neighbors are doing behind their
closed doors, but what I am doing is an abomination.
I would rather you hold up a sign that says God Hates
Fags!
Youre afraid, Amy said simply.

Yes, Dylan whispered.

Everyone is afraid. Thats what life is all about,
dealing with fear.
What if I loose him, Dylan asked softly?
In the end we loose it all, and thats the biggest
fear. You know whats even bigger than fear, Amy
asked?
What?
Regret.
Chapter 4 November
I love the beach in November. No one is
around and its like you are rich and on your own
private beach. All the tourists go home and
everything shuts down and its just you, the waves,
and the gulls.
It was a bright fall day and Seth and Dylan was
walking down the deserted beach looking down as
they moved along the shoreline. It was fall break and
they had some time to kill. Seth had got an older
friend to buy them some beer, and once they had
retrieved it from the car, they settled up in the dunes
and cracked open a can or two.
Seth drank as he sat with his knees up and his
arms resting on them. God, you can see so far
today.
Dylan squinted his eyes in the brightness of the

sunny day as he too peered out across the far

reaching blue. All the way to Mexico, he added
Yeah, Seth said with a slight chuckle.
So, whats your plan after school, Dylan asked
as he took a drink from his beer?
College, Seth said as he cut his eyes in Dylans
direction, I dont think so, I spent more time on
music than I did books.
Yeah. I dont know what I want to be, do you
ever have that thought?
Nope, Seth said to the point. Music, thats all
I ever wanted. I dont know why God would put
something in your heart that you feel so powerfully
and then not let you succeed.
So, then whats the plan, Dylan asked?
Well, Texas is right in the middle of the country,
so theres California or New York, what you think?
Yeah, Dylan said with a slight grin as he
looked back over the vastness of the ocean. I could
do Cali or New York.
Yep, thats me. From the third coast to the first
or second. Probably California, on the Sunset strip,
thats the road paved in gold, right, Seth questioned?
I just dont know for me, its really scary.
Youve got all these choices to make and you dont
know which one is the right one. Its really easier
being a kid, Dylan said as he took another sip.
You cant stay around here, right? You dont

want to be the guy that never left town and ended up

working at the Walmart, right, Seth said as he sat
back bracing himself with his hands in the sand?
Dylan laughed out loud, Hell no! He looked at
Seth for a long silent moment.
What, man, youre freaking me out, Seth said
as he looked at him?
Do you ever think about regret, Dylan asked
him?
Regret about what, Seth asked as he allowed
his head to fall back with his eyes closed?
I dont know, regret things you didnt do, or
were afraid to do?
Man I think regret comes later, what do I have
to regret now, Im just a kid. My entire life has been
paid for by my parents. This time is all about
learning. Shit we just learned to read what, 12 or 13
years ago? Weve just been learning about living,
about growing up, about what the sand feels like or
who we are. I still dont know that one. Regret is
something you do after 50 years and you look back
and you say is this all there is? I have lived 50 damn
years and I didnt take a chance, I didnt chase a
dream. That is when you regret.
Seth was right, that was the beauty inside him.
He was an innocent soul that heard music wherever
he went. He heard music in the wind, the waves, the
calls of the gulls. He walked a free path, a higher

path where nothing could touch him. His father had

died and yet he was free of all the burden. He
understood life and knew that there was time enough
for regrets.
Dylan watched as the sun shown off his dark
skin and his long brown hair swirled in the breeze.
How could he be without him in only 6 more months.
He knew that when Seth said he was going to
California he meant it. Seth would eat garbage and
sleep out in the rain if it meant he could play his
songs. He was a true artist. He didnt dream of
money or groupies, it was all about what he loved.
He was free in all the ways that Dylan was not.
I have regrets, Dylan stated.
About what?
Just bull shit, Dylan said as he stood from his
place in the dune and walked out onto the beach.
Seth looked up and then also stood and chased
after him.
What are you talking about, Seth asked as he
called out to him?
Dylan turned with his back to the water and his
shadow stretching out before him. You wouldnt
understand.
Seth walked up with his arms outstretched and
them embraced his friend as Dylan stood there with
his hands in his pocket. For a moment, that embrace
lasted forever. Dylan closed his eyes as he brought

up his arms slowly and then wrapped them around his

friend.
What is it, Seth asked as he pulled back and
then took his friends head in his hands at the back of
Dylans head?
Their faces were so close, I feel like I hate
myself sometimes, like I am no good.
Why do you think that, Seth asked as he gently
shook his head as Dylan stood there with his eyes
closed?
Because I lie. I lie to you, and I lie to myself.
What do you lie about, you are the most honest
person I know?
Dylan slowly opened his eyes as he stared into
Seths face. What am I going to do when you leave,
17 years and then you are gone, youve always been
right next door. What then?
Seth lips parted to revile his beautiful white teeth
as he smiled, Hey, youre right I do have regrets. I
regret that one thing out of all of my 17 years. But
what are we going to do, move in together and by His
and His towels?
Seth, why havent you ever had a girlfriend,
Dylan asked softly?
Slowly Seths smile began to fade and he
released Dylans head and took a step back breaking
their embrace. Dylans arms fell to his side.
I never took the time. Man I was always busy

playing music.
Is that it?
What are you asking me, Seth questioned?
Nothing, man.
Youre asking me if I am like you, Seth said.
Like me, what do you mean?
If I am gay?
In all the 17 years Seth and Dylan had never
spoken about the fact that Dylan was gay. It had
always been quietly known, but never discussed.
Is there something wrong with that?
Seth laughed a little, Man, this is you and me
out on the beach kicking back, drinking some brews,
what brought this up?
I just asked why you never had a girlfriend,
thats all.
Maybe I should fuck Amy, Seth said as his hair
swept up over his shoulders.
Do you like Amy, Dylan asked plainly?
You dont get it, man, Seth said as he pointed a
finger at Dylan. Out of all the people I thought you
would get me, but you dont. Its because all your
life is about being gay, being gay is you. Its not your
sexuality, its your entire being. My dick is not me,
its a part of me. I am about more than one
appendage. I am about creating something no one
has ever heard before. I am Mozart sitting at his desk
writing a new sound that no man ever heard before.

Have you ever heard the phrase sex life. It means

something separate from your real life. Sex does not
define me, it is a part of me, but why is the damn
world so hung up on it? Why cant we just be?
It is so big in my life because I am hated
because of who I choose to love, Dylan stated
emphatically!
Who hates you, man? Do I hate you, your
parents, people at school. Maybe you just hate
yourself, have you ever thought about that?
Boom! Like a brick to the face. Seth was right,
Dylan hated himself because he was gay. He loved
Seth, but was afraid to tell him. He had Amy, a
beautiful girl that worshipped the ground he walked
on and would do anything for him sexually, but he
was not attracted to her. He hated himself for what
he was. He had been so wrong, it was not just skin.
That sexual release he had gotten from Amy had only
heightened his every thought about what it would be
like to be with a boy. What would his touch feel like,
his hands on his body. And when it was his turn
would he be nervous like he was with Amy, or would
he jump at the chance to please his partner? He had
been mad at Amy for blowing Thomas because it was
something that he wanted to do himself. He wanted
to know what it felt like to have his lovers penis in
his mouth and to please him and feel the tenseness of
his body as he controlled each ripple of ecstasy that

ran up and down his soul. Amy had been only

gasoline thrown on an already raging fire. Her touch
had only teased him and he was never going to be
able to shake these feelings till he knew everything.
That afternoon when he and Seth got back,
Dylan rushed over to Amys house and up into her
room. He ran in without even letting her know that
he was coming.
Damn it, Amy cursed as she almost jumped off
the bed as Dylan ran in, you scared the hell out of
me!
You have to tell me then show me, Dylan said
as he jumped on her bed.
Tell you what and show you what, Amy asked
as she sat her phone down on her bed stand.
Tell me what it was like to blow Thomas, every
detail, then I want you to give me a blowjob! Ive
seen them on pornos, but I want to know what they
feel like.
Are you serious, Amy said as her eyes lit up
and her expression changed to one of confusion?
Totally!
Chapter 5 December
Here, Amy said as from her drawer she took
some pennies and handed them to Dylan.
Dylan took the pennies in his palm and looked at

them, and then back up at Amy, What are these for?

I was reading on Yahoo answers and this is
what a lot of people say semen tastes like. A
metallic, salty taste. I tried it and its close I guess,
Amy said as she sat back down on her bed.
Dylan shrugged his shoulders and then placed
the pennies in his mouth.
Swirl them around, get the full effect, Amy
said.
The pennies clinked around as they made contact
with Dylans teeth. It taste funny, Dylan said in a
garbled fashion.
Amy smiled, Yes, but its not so bad.
Dylan swirled them around a moment more and
then spat the pile into the palm of his hand.
I know, Amy said as she had a eureka moment,
you could taste your own!
Dylan made a ugly face, That would be weird,
he said.
You then would know for sure, Amy said.
I dont know, Dylan said as he put the pile of
wet pennies on the floor and then proceeded to wipe
his hand on the carpet.
So tell me the story, Dylan said looking up at
Amy on the edge of the bed.
Ok, Amy said as she whirled her long hair
around her hand and then put it up in a ponytail. He
sat on the top of the bench and I was sitting between

his legs. He was leaned forward and we were

kissing, but I could totally tell that he was wanting it.
He placed my hands on his dick and it was rock hard
in his jeans. While we were kissing I undid his jeans
with my hands and it popped up and the whole time
he was breathing real hard and making these little
noises. My mouth was so wet from kissing that by
the time I bent my head down I slobbered right on his
dick. But it was perfect because I was already
stroking him and it created the perfect lube. From
then on I just did my best not to scrape my teeth on
his dick. He would lean back and then sit forward
with his hands on my head like he was helping me
with the motion. He kept saying, Dont stop, please,
oh baby! I felt like I had all the power, it was so
cool. Oh, your hand, use the hand and your mouth
together, it really moves things along.
What do you mean, Dylan asked as he sat in
the floor with his knees drew into his chest and his
arms wrapped around them?
Some guys can last a long time, and your neck
and jaw can start to hurt, so your hand helps them
come quicker. I could soon tell that he was getting
real close. His breathing was faster and he was
moaning more now. Thats when you have to make
the decision about what you are going to do, swallow
or let him come in your mouth, or just jerk him off. I
dont want come getting on my face, hair, or clothes,

so I just did it in my mouth and swallowed. The

End, Amy said with a smile.
Did you like it, Dylan asked?
Amy shook her head, Yes, I had all the power
over him. Here is this big guy that can knock out
some other guy, and he was begging me like a little
kid. It turned me on.
Wow, Dylan said as he released his knees and
then stood up. He walked around the room and then
turned back and looked at Amy. Have you talked to
him since?
Amy flopped back on her bed with her arms
crossed across her midsection. Fuck no! And I
know he told his friends because Tony has been
texting me and hinting around about him wanting a
blowjob.
That sucks, Dylan said as he walked over and
sat on the bed and placed his hand on Amys arm.
Amy shot up and turned towards Dylan, Now,
what were you saying about wanting a blowjob?
Yeah, Dylan said as he looked away, well I
have seen them in pornos and I was just wanting to
know what they felt like in real life so I would know
how the guy was feeling if I was doing it right, you
know?
I know, Amy said excitedly, but what will you
do for me?
Dylans head collapsed a little on his neck, Ill

go down on you, he said weakly.

Awesome, Amy said happily as he leapt across
him and onto the floor where she got between his
legs that were hanging off the bed. I was thinking,
you can come in my mouth, and then I could spit it
back in yours so you could taste it!
Eww! Dylan remarked, I dont think so!
Whatever, Amy said as she began to rub his
penis beneath the fabric of his jeans. Just close your
eyes and Ill do the rest.
Dylan laid back and closed his eyes. Now he
would know he thought to himself.
In his minds eye all he could see was Seths
face. It was always this one boy, this one face that he
fantasized about. Maybe, if he lived in a bigger town
or went to a bigger school, it would not always be all
about this one boy. He was obsessive about this one
boy because his options were so limited he figured.
And the crazy thing was this boy wasnt even gay.
He really had no chance with this relationship ever
turning into a thing that could fulfill the need he was
missing. It was like loving a celebrity and forsaking
everyone else with the hopes that someday your paths
might cross and it would be instant love. It was all so
insane. Love really is like being depressed in a
sense. When you are in love just like when you are
depressed you cant quit thinking about that one
thing. You obsess over it, feel sick to your stomach,

and loose sleep at night. Every day you are

constantly deconstructing every moment, every
glance, every word said or not said. The person that
you love becomes your every waking thought. This
is why teenagers kill themselves he thought. Its
because you have all these raging hormones and
know way of understanding any of them. Its really a
nightmare. It is so horrible to love someone so much
and then not have them love you back. It was just
like Seth had said about his music. Why would God
give you a feeling so powerful and then not let you
do anything about it. It was real torture.
Even with his thoughts all jumbled up the intense
pleasure he was now feeling he could not mistake.
He felt a tingle run over his entire being in waves as
his muscles tightened and then relaxed and then
tightened again. The fluidity of the motion of her
mouth and hand on his dick was extreme! There was
that perfect amount of friction and pressure that was
causing his eyes to tighten ever more as he was now
breathing through clinched teeth. His hand came
down to her shoulder and clinched her flesh causing
Amy to let out a half sigh half, I know, sound as
her pace intensified.
Dylan sat up as his hands came to her face and
head, Im going to come, he gasped right before
it was complete. God, he exhaled as he fell back
on top the bed with his entire body shaking!

Amy then crawled from her place on the floor up

over his torso as he lay back on the bed. What did
you think?
Dylan laughed slightly, Intense, was all he
could manage to utter.
I told you, Amy said with a laugh as Dylan
wrapped his arms around her and then rolled her to
the side with him on top of her. I like this position,
Amy said.
Its all your fault, Dylan said
My fault, what do you mean?
I could have just been this gay dude quietly
masturbating in his room, but you have to expose me
to all this intensity, Dylan stated.
You were dead before, I woke you up, Amy
said.
I love you, Amy, but I am gay. I wish you were
a guy, Dylan said to her as he looked into her face.
Me too. But I got you out of your shell,
someday you will thank me for all this, Amy
remarked.
Will you help me with Seth, Dylan asked her?
Uggh, Amy said as she squirmed out from
under Dylan and stood up as she wiped her lips with
her wrist. What do you want to do, put something in
his drink?
No, of course not, Dylan said as he rolled over
onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. I just

want to show him.

No, you want to seduce him. Thats what all
this is about, you are hoping if you give him the most
amazing head in his entire life he will just fall into
your arms and you will live happily ever after, Amy
said as she tied up her hair again.
Thats not funny, Dylan said as he rolled over
on the bed facing her with his head supported by his
hand. I just want to make him happy, to love me!
Look what you did with me, sex can be very
powerful, you made a gay guy come.
Amy rolled her eyes, That was easy, its just
lube and repeated friction. I made you come, but do
you love me in that way, no. See, you and I are in the
same boat, we both love somebody that will never
love us back. Seth tortures you and you torture me.
Amy was right, for a little strawberry haired girl
with freckles she was like a wise old sage. Of course
she had made him feel intense feelings, but there was
no real love there. Sex was just sex, but love was an
entirely different beast altogether.
That was the funny thing about sex and love, on
a chemical level they werent really that different.
Both caused certain chemicals to be released in the
brain, pleasure hormones and chemicals that brought
on feelings of closeness. But there was one
difference when it came to humans above all other
creatures on the planet that have sex. Love lived in

the soul. God was so right when He said that He was

love. Love was indeed the most powerful thing on
the planet. Wars had been fought over love. Great
kings had lost their entire kingdoms because of love.
Love can actually cause you to murder the person
you love the most in the world because you dont
want them to live in the world without you. That
sounds insane, but that is what love can do to you.
It was now winter, and the sky was gray and
cloudy everyday. Even down on the gulf it can get
cold. It had all come to this. This final year, these
final few months until every thing was going to
change forever.
In a few more months it is all going to change.
We will all split up and head off on different paths.
We may never see each other again, Dylan said he
looked at Amy.
I know, Amy said as she sat down on the chair
in front of her makeup counter. Well go off across
the country and meet other people and just forget
about each other.
I could never forget, could you? Its all going
to change, but I could never forget, Dylan said as he
sat up on the edge of the bed with his hands in his
lap?
Amy half smiled at Dylan before she turned and
looked at herself in the mirror, No, youre right.
Maybe I should just go on Tinder and meet

some guy and get this all out of my system, Dylan

remarked as he sat on the bed.
Maybe you could, Amy said as he began to
mess with her makeup as she stared intently into the
mirror.
Maybe you and Seth should be together, Dylan
said plainly.
Amy stopped and looked right at Dylan, Me
and Seth, that would be weird.
Why, he is single and you are single. At least I
could do something for the two people I love the
most in the world.
Seth just wants to fuck a guitar, Amy said as
she went back to her makeup.
Dylan exhaled loudly as he pondered what Amy
had just said. Seth loved to finger his guitar and
pound the keys, but it was like the boy was asexual.
They had been friends forever and Dylan had only
heard him mention a girl in passing. In many ways
Seth was right, Dylan did define himself by his
sexuality. He had to get his mind of all this sex, sex,
sex. There is more to life than sex, but our culture
and media makes you think everyone is doing it but
you. How could a person ever have a loving
relationship without first figuring out who they really
are? That is what misery is about. You have to live a
great life and then people will naturally be drawn to
you. Dylan could no longer be Dylan who was gay,

he just now had to be Dylan. He had to create for

himself a life that was not just about his animalistic
appetites. He had to become a person who is defined
by his works and not just by some label given to him
by society and accepted by himself. That is what we
do in this world, we break everyone off into race, sex,
religion, and then loose sight of the person with all
these labels now attached to them. We have to kill all
the isims in our world. That is what Seth had meant
when he and Dylan had been sitting out on the dock
just after his dad had died. He didnt want to be
labeled the poor boy whos dad had died. He just
wanted to remain Seth. We do that too much, push
people off into groups and then create statistics
around them. We force it into their heads so much
that they then begin to blame society for their own
mistake and failures. Its not my fault, its because I
am black, or a woman, or gay. From now on Dylan
would just be plain ole Dylan.
Chapter 6 January
A new year, and new questions.
Dylan and Andy were out in the backyard sitting
under the porch just spending some time together.
Dad, Dylan began as he looked at Andy, was I
ever a disappointment?
A disappointment, why would you ask that,

Andy asked as he looked at his son?

I dont know, Ill be graduating soon and going
off to school and I just was wondering if you feel like
you missed out on things, Dylan asked with
sincerity?
I dont understand the question, Andy stated.
Because I am gay?
Oh, Andy said as he sat back in his chair, you
think maybe I missed out on some things because you
werent a big jock or out chasing girls. Let me tell
you something, Andy said as he reached over and
took Dylans hand in his own. I see kids everyday
that come in with cuts on their arms and thighs
because they feel that they have no other way to
express their feelings. These cuts are outwardly
expressions of the pain they keep inside. I had a kid
that came in just two days ago with rope burns
around his neck. His dad caught him in the act of
hanging himself. I had to talk with that father as he
stood there with tears in his eyes from the shock of
seeing his son hanging by a rope in their garage.
Thats what kids never understand, to moms and dads
we still see you as that little baby we brought home
from the hospital even though you have grown up
into these adult things. I love you, thats all, you are
not my gay son, you are just my son.
Dylan squeezed his fathers hand as he smiled, I
just get confused sometimes about my feelings.

Andy smiled warmly, Its not because you are

gay, we all get confused about our feelings just
because we are human beings.
Ive just had all this stuff coming up lately.
Everything is changing so fast, I feel like I am on a
rollercoaster headed for a brick wall, Dylan
explained.
Youre graduating and that can be scary.
Leaving old friends and having to make new ones.
But that is what makes life interesting, like I tell kids
feeling suicidal, there is always tomorrow when
every thing can change. Youre going to change a
thousand times in this life, things you like now you
want like when your 21, and when your 31 you want
like things you did at 21, and so on and so on. Youre
going to have people that hate you for no good
reason, and youre going to have people that break
you heart, but thats the good things in life. Those
bad things make all the good things that much
better.
Dylan combed his bangs out of his face as he
looked at Andy, Are there things you regret?
Andy thought about his sons question for a long
time before he spoke. When my dad was dying I sat
down with him and we talked about our entire time
together and the last thing we said to one another was
that we loved each other. We did that so we had no
regrets. No, son, I regret nothing. Dont have

regrets, they only eat holes in your heart. Say and do

what you need to do. Some things will work out and
some will not. Just dont sit around when youre old
with holes in your heart, thats what will kill you in
the end.
Dylan and Andy then gave each other a big hug
and Dylan went inside. He walked straight out the
front door and over to Seths house. As he
approached Seths house he could see that the garage
door was open and he peered inside.
Seth was seated inside among all his instruments
on a stool with a notepad and pencil in hand.
Hey, dude, Dylan called out.
Seth looked up, Oh, hey man, come on in and
pull up a chair.
Dylan walked into the darkened insides of the
garage and found an old five gallon bucket that he
flipped over and then sat down on. What you
doing?
Just working on a song, Seth remarked.
Cool, Dylan said as he sat there looking at
Seth, whats it about?
Just bull shit, Seth said as he slammed the
notepad and pencil down on the concrete floor! He
then jumped up from the stool and walked to the
entrance of the garage. It just pisses me off!
What, Dylan asked both concerned and startled
by Seths erratic behavior?

I just dont have it, Seth said as he turned with

his hands at the center of his chest and a saddened
look on his face. In here, he said as he slapped his
hands on his chest. My dad could sit down and
hammer out a tune and lyrics in thirty minutes, but
me, all I can do is jam some cover songs. I can sing
and play what other people wrote, but I have such a
hard time coming up with my own stuff. Wheres my
voice, I dont have any experiences to pull from, or
no damn imagination at least!
What are your influences, Dylan asked?
Thats just it, Seth said as he pointed at Dylan.
My influences are everyones influences. There is
nothing left to say, no note unwritten. I was born to
late. Its all yesterdays news.
You have a voice, its okay to mimic a style,
make it your own, Dylan said as he tried to comfort
his friend.
No! Seth yelled at him as he kicked the wall!
I dont want to copy, thats what mimicking is, just
copying something from the past.
But they all did. Elvis, the Beatles, the Rolling
Stones, they copied or mimicked the blues. Its all
taking something and making it your own.
Damn it, I dont want to take some old shit and
change it up. I want to be Bach, Beethoven, they
invented music, they did what no one else had ever
done. That is magical.

But youre not them, Dylan stated.

I know, Seth said as he slapped his hands
against his legs! Im just some kid in some stupid
garage with a passion pushed on him by his fucking
dead father! He pushed this shit on me, then he up
and died leaving me to deal with all this shit and no
talent. Seth walked up to the big kick drum that sat
behind where his practice area was set up and kicked
a huge hole right in the center of the thing. Boom!
Dylan jumped up from his bucket, Just calm the
fuck down!
There, Seth said with a shrug of his shoulders
as he looked over at Dylan, now its fucked!
Seth then turned and walked over to his guitar
and took it from its place. He held it softly in his
hands, cradling it might he do so with a lover. This
belonged to my dad, did you know he had a band,
Seth asked Dylan.
Yeah, Dylan stammered, the Fast, right?
Seth shook his head softly and he continued to
stroke his guitar. Fast, that was their name. He told
me once that he had always hoped to get a record
deal, but he married my mom and I came along 11
months later. Do you think he hated me for that?
Seth looked at Dylan with his long bangs hanging
down over his face. Seth the reached up and wiped
his hair from out of his face and the few tears that
clung to his cheeks. I fucked up his dream, and he

had to get this shitty job teaching music to a bunch of

stupid high school kids. He died and didnt
accomplish a thing.
He accomplished a lot, Dylan began, I bet if
you could ask him he would say you were his
greatest dream.
Yeah, Seth said with a half smile as he ran his
fingers down the taught strings. But you cant ask
him, hes fucking dead!
With that the time in the garage slowed to a
snails pace as in one motion Seth raised the guitar
above his head and then brought it down with all his
might on the hard cement floor just like one of his
idols, Pete Townshend.
No, Dylan yelled!
But it was all too late. The guitar exploded into
a thousand bits as the sound of the guitar hitting the
cement floor reverberated through Dylans head like
canon fire!
Seth stood there hold what was left of the broken
neck with strings dangling from the wood like
twisting snakes.
Hes dead, and this is fucked, Seth said, and
then dropped the rest of the neck on the floor before
he turned and walked into his house.
Dylan stood there for a moment in complete
shock. Then, he turned and walked slowly back to
his house.

Happy New Year!

Chapter 7 February
Seth was changing.
The next time Dylan saw Seth it was in the
bathroom at school. It was Dylan, Seth, Mark, and
Kyle.
Here, Kyle said as he reached into his pocket
and handed Seth something.
Seth then opened his hand and in the center of
his palm were two little pink pills. Whered you get
them dude, Seth questioned?
My mom hurt her back, Kyle remarked.
Get a book and your school ID, Seth said to
Mark.
Wait a damn minute, Mark said as he took the
two pills from out of Seths hand. They got this
coating on them, you got to suck it off. Mark then
placed the pills in his mouth and moved them around
for about a minute. He then spit them back in his
hand and they had changed from pink to white. See,
you gotta get that pink shit off before you crush
them.
Got it, Seth said as he took out his book and
sat it on the edge of the sink. He then proceeded to
crush the pills into a fine powder using his ID. Once
they had been crushed he lined them up into four

lines and then reached into his pocket and took out a
buck. He rolled it up and then held out the tube to
Dylan, Take a snort.
Fuck that, what is it?
Oxy, Seth said as he turned back to the lines,
if you dont want any thats two lines for me and
one each for Mark and Kyle.
Seth then bent over the book and snorted up two
lines of the white crushed up pill. Yes, he said as
he threw his head back with his hands on his nose, I
love that fucking burn!
It was like his heart had changed. Seth started
hanging out with Mark and Kyle more and before
long he was ditching school. He was drinking now,
and sometimes he smelled of cigarettes and weed.
His eyes were all blood shot and it didnt take long
before his mom noticed that his instruments were
beginning to come up missing.
Susan, Seths mother, knocked on his bedroom
door. There was no answer. Slowly, she pushed open
the door to find Seth in bed at two in the afternoon on
a Saturday. You okay, honey?
Yeah mom, just not feeling to good.
Do you need anything?
Just to sleep, Seth moaned.
I was in the garage, I noticed that some of the
instruments were gone, what happened?
Seth cut her off quickly, They are at Kyles, we

were jamming over there.

Oh, okay, well yell if you need anything,
Susan said as she closed his bedroom door.
The instruments were not at Kyles, they were in
the pawn shop. Oxys were not cheap, and the
constant use of them were causing Seth to go into
withdrawal. He was not looking good, he had lost a
lot of weight and his clothes appeared so baggy like
he was swimming in them. And when he was in
school he often failed to hand in assignments or often
just fell asleep with his head down on his desk.
Dylan sat a desk over staring at his friend, who lay
with his head down. Hey, you okay, Dylan asked
as he reached over and shook him?
Seth sat up looking around the room all red eyed,
What the fuck!
The bell rang, Dylan stated as he stood from
his chair with his bag over his shoulder, its lunch.
Cool, Seth said as he stood from his chair and
swayed a bit. He grabbed his book and headed out
the room with Dylan close on his heels.
Once they had entered the hallway Dylan caught
Seth by his shoulder, Whats up, man?
Fucking let go of my shirt, youre stretching it
the fuck out, Seth angrily said as he grabbed Dylan
by the wrist and threw his hand off him!
Man, look at you, youre loosing it, Dylan said
to his friend.

Fuck you, faggot, Seth cursed at him!

At that exact moment Amy was walking up and
she went past Dylan and pushed Seth back, Watch
your mouth, asshole, she screamed at him!
Seth laughed as he dropped his book to the floor
with a slam. Watch your bitch man! Why does a
fag need a bitch anyway, there aint no fucking going
on, or are you two doing the scissor thing?
By this time those kids in the hall had gathered
around and all looked at Dylan with shock as those
words spilled out of Seths mouth.
You dick, Amy cursed as she swung at Seth!
Seth just stepped back causing Amy to strike
nothing but empty air. Why dont you suck my
dick, you suck everyone else, Seth said to Amy as
he grabbed his dick.
Shut up, Dylan screamed as he pushed Seth
with all his might! Dylan was a little guy, but he was
still a guy, and that push almost caused Seth to
stumble to the ground as he tripped over his own two
feet.
As Seth regained his balance he was now very
mad as his face showed all his anger. He then pushed
Amy hard sending her to the floor on her knees and
grabbed Dylan up by his shirt and slammed him
against the wall!
Is this what you want queer bait, Seth yelled as
he held Dylan against the wall with his teeth exposed

like a snarling, barking dog? What you going to do,

slap me to death, you couldnt do shit with that weak
limp wrist of yours. We are fucking done.Faggot!
Seth then slammed Dylan back one last time
before releasing him and walking off down the hall
pushing past those gathered around.
Amy quickly returned to Dylan and took him by
his hands, Fuck you, dickhead, she screamed at
Seth!
Dylan had tears in his eyes that he quickly wiped
with his sleeve. He was not crying because he was
hurt or because he was gay. He was crying because
his best friend in all his life, the only boy that he had
ever loved had just now shattered his heart into a
million pieces with just one word. Faggot was all he
could hear in his ears!
Forget about him, hes a asshole, Amy said as
she sat on her bed placing a little band aid over a
scrape she had gotten on her knee when Seth had
pushed her to the floor.
Hes sick, hes taking all those drugs and
drinking. There is really something wrong with
him, Dylan said sorrowfully.
There you go, always defending him. Im sick
of it, Amy said as her lips curled! Are you blind
and deaf, dont you remember what he called you?
He didnt mean it, Dylan said as he shook his
head.

He did! That was the truth in his mind, all that

coming out wasnt the drugs. He wasnt high or
drunk when he called you that name. That was his
true self.
Damn it, Amy, Dylan cursed at her. Do you
think that I am stupid? I cant believe that he would
say those things and mean them. We have been
friends since we were in diapers. It would be like if
you turned on me, its a knife in my heart!
Amy went to speak but thought better of it as she
just crossed her arms and huffed a bit.
Okay, he wasnt high or drunk at the time, but he
was suffering from the effects of the drugs. He was
just in a bad place. Dylan knew that Seths words
came from a place of pain. He had been sick, dope
sick and soul sick. Seth had never really grieved for
the death of his father, and now all those emotions
were hitting him in the face like a brick. He didnt
need hate, he needed help. The people you love are
the people that hurt you the most. It was all
frustration and self doubt that had sent Seth on this
downward spiral. Dylan knew that he needed to help
him, but he didnt know how. He could tell his mom
and dad, thats what he had to do.
With Amy by his side, Dylan asked for his mom
and dad to come and sit in the living room for a
minute. Both Karen and Andy looked at one another
with a splash of worry across their faces, but they did

as they were asked.

Dylan sat on the couch with Amy close by his
side.
What is it, son, Andy asked as he and Karen
looked intently at both Amy and Dylan?
I know you are both worried, Dylan began as
he looked at his parents, this is not so much about
me, its about Seth.
Dylan laid out all that had happened and all that
he had witnessed himself with an interjection or two
from Amy. Both Karen and Andy listened intently to
Dylans story. When all was said and done it was
decided that Andy and Karen would both approach
Susan and Andy suggested that Seth be brought to the
hospital where he and Karen worked because not
only did they deal with psyche, but also substance
abuse. Dylan was afraid that Seth would hate him,
but he knew that was a chance he would have to take
if he truly loved his friend.
The following day Andy and Karen went and
talked to Susan. The three of them then went up and
searched Seths room and found a little bit of weed,
and then something that frightened them all. Just like
I said before, oxys are expensive, but heroin is
cheap. Tucked up in his closet, Andy found a baggie
of heroin and a syringe wrapped up in tin foil. Susan
cried, and Karen comforted her. Andy knew this was
serious and so arrangements were made, and when

Seth came home the cops were waiting. He was not

really arrested, but he was handcuffed and placed in
the back of a squad car. Then Susan followed the
cops as they took Seth to the hospital where Susan
had him committed for treatment for drug
dependency and depression. All this Dylan watched
from the front window of his house. He stood with
the curtain in his hands as he peeked out. Three or
four times he saw Seth look back over his shoulder at
the house. He knew what he was thinking, that
faggot told on me. That was okay, at least he was
alive and he was going to get the help he needed.
When you truly love someone sometimes you have to
make hard decisions. Seth could hate him for right
now, but in a few weeks his mind would change and
he would see that this was all for the best. Dylan was
going to miss him, but this was so much better
because he knew that someday he would see him
again. How would he had felt if Seth had overdosed
and died? How terrible would that had been? How
could he ever forgive himself after seeing all that he
had seen and then not do anything? It would have
killed him too. He could have just climbed inside
that coffin by his side and been planted just the same.
That would have been the real definition of regret,
and nothing, no one, no where could have ever taken
it back.
You did the right thing, Andy said as he

entered the house and saw Dylan standing at the

window.
Does he know that it was me that told?
We didnt tell him that, but I think he does,
Andy said.
Oh, Dylan said softly as he walked over to the
couch with his head bowed and took a seat, he
probably hates me now.
Let him, Andy said as he sat by his son and
placed his arm around his neck. But you saved his
life.
Dylan looked up as a single tear ran down his
cheek, Hell never trust me anymore.
Oh, son, Andy said as he hugged his boy as
Dylan began to weep.
Its okay to cry, and its okay to feel bad. Right
now Dylan was feeling all those moments that he had
Seth had shared over the years. If we are lucky
enough we all find that one friend we are able to
share anything with. That friend that does not judge
us. All the things they had shared together, dreams,
fears, sorrows, and happiness. Out in that backyard
out on that deck with their bare feet dangling down in
the water. Looking up at the stars they had confessed
their souls. All had been said except one big thing.
Dylan never confessed his love for Seth. He had
always held back, and that had been the one thing he
had wanted to shout from the roof tops. He never

could say it, I love you. But what he had just done
might have been how he said he loved Seth the most
without really saying it the way he had wanted to.
Chapter 8 Mapril
Spring, the time of renewal and rebirth. March
and April might as well have been called Mapril as
far as Dylan was concerned. All of March he had
been consumed with thoughts of Seth and his time in
the hospital. Everyday he would catch his mom and
dad at the door when they came home and ask them
for any info. They would just look at him and say,
Hes fine, and that was it. It was even more
difficult because the spring had always been their
favorite time of the year. It was a time for cookouts,
fishing off the dock, and camp outs in the backyard.
This spring was very quiet and boring. There
was no fun, it was just rainy days and hours up in his
room alone. The only real news was that Amy had
finally given into Tonys texts, and could you believe
it, they were now dating! Tony had heard the story
from Thomas, and that might have spurred his initial
interest, but after a date or two Amy could be seen
walking the halls wearing his letterman jacket. They
really made a cute couple, and Amy was happier than
Dylan had every seen her. She was now all about
talk of the upcoming prom and her excitement and

plans for that special night with Tony.

Dylan was glad that she was happy, and that she
had found someone, but her couple hood only
enforced the fact that Dylan was perpetually single.
Now that Amy had found Tony, Dylan found
himself even more alone. Both his best friends had
now been taken from him. What a great wrap up to
his senior year.
Dylan was sitting up in his room on a particular
rainy spring afternoon when there came a knock at
his door.
Yes, he said in a melancholy tone.
The door opened and in walked Seth, Hey,
dude.
Dylan leapt from his bed, Seth, he shrieked!
Seth smiled lightly as he and Dylan embraced.
Man! How you doing, Dylan asked as he
smiled from ear to ear?
Good. Good, Seth said as he shook his head
and looked at Dylan. I got some things to say, is
that cool?
Yes, Dylan said a he shook his head and
backed up and sat on the edge of his bed. Whats
up?
Seth stood there with his hands in his pockets.
He looked better, like he had put back on a few
pounds, but his face was still solemn and he appeared
to be distant. I need to say I am sorry. I shouldnt

have called you those names, and I was uncool, Seth

said as he swallowed.
Its fine, Dylan said.
And, Im glad you did what you did, youre a
real friend.
Dylan stood quickly, I wasnt trying to get you
in trouble.
No. I know that you werent. I wish I could
explain to you all the thoughts that have been going
through my head lately. Theres been a lot with the
year coming to the end, schools almost over, its
things that I never dealt with.
I understand, Dylan said as he reached out his
hand towards Seth. Seth pulled away, I just wanted
to say thanks, but I cant talk about it now.
Seth looked at Dylan, Try to understand, okay.
I do man, Dylan said, I do, he said as his
voice cracked.
Youre my best friend in the world, and I love
you, but no, you dont, and I pray you never do,
Seth said with a slight smile before and turned and
walked away.
Dylan took a step forward, but Seth walked out
and closed the door. What had just happened Dylan
thought to himself? What did I do?
It was hard for Dylan to understand, but what
Seth had said to him had been his own way of telling
him how much he cared for him. He was saying that

he hoped he never had to loose a parent and deal with

that pain. Eventually we all loose our mom and dad,
but we all hope it is after many years and many good
times filled with grandkids and good times.
A boy loves his mom dearly, but at Seths age his
father is a person that he desperately needs. To a boy
his father is his first hero. That strong guy that
wrestles with you on the floor and teaches you cool
things. Dad teaches you to drive a stick shift, fire a
gun, bait a hook. Dad gives you that first sip out of
his beer and then tells you not to tell mom. Dad is
the guy you can be real with. You can say shit and
damn, and he listens and doesnt interrupt because
you said a curse word because you are feeling
emotional about something. And when dad says,
Im proud of you son, you feel a thousand feet tall
and finally a man
Chapter 9 May 1st
Dylan had seen little of Seth for the past few
weeks. He had been given a special dispensation for
school and his mom brought in work and picked up
work weekly. Even through he lived right next door,
he had been much like a ghost.
Jason Neely was throwing a big end of the year
bash, and it was big news all over the school. It was
Friday night and Amy and Tony picked Dylan up at 9

p.m. to take him to the party.

As Dylan and Amy walked in the front door the
living room was filled with kids from school and loud
music. It was a good time and Dylan was excited,
but his heart really began to beat with he saw Seth
standing at the far side of the room.
Its Seth, Dylan said to Amy as he hurried
through the crowd in Seths direction.
He didnt take his eyes of him as he pushed
through the people with the biggest smile on his face.
With his eyes locked on him he watched as Seth
pulled a bottle from out his pocket and take a big
swing. It was straight vodka.
Seth, Dylan called out as he confronted him!
Seth wiped his mouth with his sleeve, Oh man,
he said as he rolled his eyes. You aint going to tell
on me again, he said with a drunken chuckle.
I thought you were better, Dylan said as he
took Seth by his arm, what are you thinking?
Better, Seth cried out, there aint no getting
better. This is me, I did my time, but this is what I
like. I have changed, Dylan. Dont you understand,
those times of fishing off the back dock and camping
out in the back yard are over. That shit is just kids
stuff anyway.
Shut up, Dylan said as he held Seths arm tight
in his hand and then proceeded to drag him back to
an empty bedroom. He pushed him inside and closed

the door. Dylan turned and faced down his friend,

Im sick of hearing this shit! You were the one that
told me that you didnt want to be that poor kid that
everyone felt sorry for, but look at you now. You
dont need us feeling sorry for you, you feel sorry
enough for yourself.
OOOOhhh, Seth mocked as he placed the
bottle back up to his lips.
Damn this, Dylan shouted as he snatched the
bottle from out of Seths hand and tossed it to the
floor!
What the hell, man, Seth protested as he
watched the vodka spilling into the carpet of the
room!
What you going to do, Dylan shouted with his
arms out by his side held into the air! He got right in
Seths face, You going to kick my ass, called me a
fag? Do it then, fuck it, I dont care!
Seth stared at Dylan, and then he began to laugh
in his drunken stupor, You fags are really
emotional!
Thats right, make fun, us fags are emotional,
and we speak with a lisp, yeah I have heard it all
before. Whatever, have your fun, but you aint
drinking that shit in front of me!
Seth then stepped up and took Dylan by his shirt
and pushed him back against the door, What the
fuck do you care?

Because I am your friend, you dumb ass. You

can give up on yourself, but I am never going to give
up on you, Dylan stated as he held his ground.
Seth placed his face just inches from Dylans
face as his lips curled back, Stop it!
No. I owe it to your dad, Dylan said.
Dont say a word about him, Seth said through
clichd teeth!
You said I dont understand, but I do. I loved
your dad, he was a great guy. When he died I cried
because I loved him.
Shut the fuck up!
No, Dylan said as he brought his hands up on
Seths back as he embraced him, its okay to cry
because we loved him. Im not going to let you take
that from me. I loved him and I miss him.
Shut., Seths face fell on Dylans shoulder
as he took in a deep breath as his hands clinched
tightly on Dylans shirt! There was a deep breath,
and then he began to weep. With is face buried in
Dylans chest he cried for the first time. He let it all
out, and the two friends collapsed to the floor with
their arms wrapped around one another in hard
sobbing. There was healing in those tears, anger and
curses, followed by missing the person and at last,
acceptence.
Dylan held Seth tightly, this was the best
moment of his life. He thought it was all about sex,

but this closeness and intimacy filled his heart to the

point of bursting.
After many moments Seth pulled back and began
to wipe his face and nose on his sleeve, Now, Im
the fag, Seth said with a chuckle.
Dylan began to laugh as he wiped Seths bangs
out of his face, You are the fag!
The two of them now began to laugh so hard that
it hurt! Sitting there in the floor in one anothers
arms they began to really laugh. It was a great
moment, and they pushed and jabbed at each other as
they laughed!
Dylan then reached out and took Seth by his shirt
and pulled him close to him, Who you calling a
fag, he said intensely, and then began to laugh! They
both laughed with their foreheads touching!
You, man, Seth said as his hands came up, his
left on Dylans neck and his right on the side of his
face. He then looked up as the laughter was now
fading and the two friends looked into one anothers
eyes.
I.., Dylan began, but Seth quieted him with
just his finger.
Seth then leaned forward and their lips met for
the first time. Both of Seths hands came up and
cradled Dylans face as they kissed. Dylans arms
wrapped around Seths body and pulled him close.
Their kiss became intimate, both pressing harder

and harder into one another. It was tenderness and

passion locked together. It was taboo and secret, hot
and dirty, a new found thrill. It was long and it was
hot!
They broke from their kiss with their foreheads
touching.
Im sorry, Seth said
About what, Dylan whispered, breathless from
the moment?
I know we are just friends, Seth said.
I love you, and I have wanted this forever,
Dylan confessed. Finally he managed to say the
words.
Really, Seth said.
Forever, Dylan whispered.
I love you , too, Seth said quietly.
I love you.
They spent two hours together on the floor of
that room wrapped in each others arms. Both boys
did not know what they were doing, but nature and
instinct was in the drivers seat and things kind of just
fell into place. It was not dirty, it was not leather
masks and butt plugs. It was two people, any two
people in love and enjoying the person they loved. It
was passionate, it was pain, and in the end, it was all
very good.
The next day Seth came over to Dylans house
early.

Im going with mom over to my grandparents,

they have a gift for me for graduation and going to
the hospital, he explained to Dylan.
Dylan kissed his lips, Ill see you when you get
back.
Seth smiled, Ill see you.
They hugged tightly and then Seth turned and
headed to the door. Dylan stood there for a moment,
and then he rushed up and took Seth from behind as
he wrapped his arms tightly around him, I love you,
always, he whispered as he kissed him on his cheek
as he didnt want to let go.
Seth just rubbed Dylans arms, Ill see you in a
day. Dont worry, I love you too.
After a moment, Dylan released Seth and he was
gone.
Two days later Dylan saw Seths moms car
coming down the block. He ran out just as the car
was turning into the driveway. As Dylan looked on
he could see that only Susan was in the car.
As the car came to a stop, and Susan exited the
vehicle, Dylan approached her, Wheres Seth?
On his way to California, Susan said.
What?
My parents set up a job for him in L.A. with a
friend of theirs who owns a small club where Seth
can work and maybe play a gig or two. Hes even got
a little apartment in the back, Susan explained.

I didnt even get to say goodbye, Dylan said as

his heart just borke.
Here, Susan said as she reached into her purse
and handed over an envelope.
Whats this, Dylan said as he took the letter?
Its from Seth. This is good for him, you should
be happy for him.
Dylan took the letter and walked back to his
house in a daze. He walked out back to the dock
where he sat down with his feet dangling over the
water. His entire world had just collapsed.
Dylan then tore open the envelope and pulled out
the letter. He began to read: I didnt know this was
going to happen, but how can I say no. This has been
my dream forever, and I know you will understand.
Its so sad that we have just found each other, but I
have to go. I know that out of all the people in my
life you are the one who knows me the best. I know
that you are happy for me. I know you love me. I
love you. Its not forever, its just for a little while.
This isnt the end, its only the beginning. We arent
dead, our lives are just starting out. Weve got time,
we are young and theres still time. I love you, dont
be mad. I will see you again. Love, Seth
Dylan folded the letter up and then held it over
his heart as he clinched it tightly. Seth was right,
they are young and there is still time. They would
see each other again. This wasnt the end, it was just

the beginning. He began to smile as he looked at his

reflection in the water. He was happy.
Chapter 10 The End of May
Dreams are just dreams, and fantasies are our
special wishes for ourselves. We all dream and
fantasize about different things, winning the lottery,
becoming famous, and falling in love. Sometimes we
have to fantasize because life can sometimes be cruel.
May the 1st had been Dylans little fantasy. His
perfect dream of a special moment that he shared
with the love of his life. It was perfect in his mind, at
first all dramatic, then tears followed by laughter, and
finally relazation of a secret, long time coming love.
It was perfect in his mind, and it was beautiful and
unselfish. He said what he had to say, had his
moment, and then allowed his love to follow the path
meant for his life. It was all bittersweet.
The end of May was reality, it was life in living
color. It was true that Seth had been distant since he
came home. Dylan had not even seen him since that
moment they had shared in his room just after Seth
had come back from the hospital. That was their last
real moment.
A week before graduation and the big party, a
womans scream could be heard coming from Seths
house. Andy and Karen ran from their house next

door. Dylan hesitated for a moment, but he had to

go. As he came out the front door his mother was
emerging from the garage with tears streaming down
her face. She grabbed Dylan and stopped him from
going any further.
What is it, mom, Dylan demanded as she
grabbed a hold of him!
Dont look, dont go, Karen wept as she held
him tightly.
What is it, Dylan screamed as he fought
against his mother as she clung to his shirt!
No, honey, Karen begged him.
Dylans shirt tore as he broke away as he ran to
the open garage. He turned the corner to see Seth in
Andys arms as he was holding him up and yelling at
Susan, Get on the ladder, undo the rope!
Susan was hysterical, but she got up on the rope
and undid it from the rafter. My poor son, she kept
screaming over and over again!
Andy then laid Seths limp body on the floor as
he began to preform CPR. Call 911, Susan, Andy
told her as he blew into Seths mouth and then began
to do compression on his chest.
Dylan was in shock, his face was frozen in a look
of terror, he could not believe this was happening, it
was surreal.
Seth left just a few words scratched on a piece of
a paper that stated: I love you mom, sorry. Dad

converted this garage for me to play music and I was

no good. Tell everyone I am sorry.
Dylan stood with his family and Amy at his side
with her hand held tightly in his own hand at the
graveside service. He just stood there looking at the
casket not really hearing any of the words being said
with only one thought running through his head over
and over again. I never told him how I felt, I
thought there was more time. Why didnt I have the
guts? It is too late, too late.
He loved you, Amy told him as she wiped the
tears from her cheeks.
I know, Dylan said, but he never knew that I
loved him back.
Regret is a bitch. There is never enough time in
this life. Dont wait till tomorrow, tell the person that
you love tonight how you feel. Tell them right now.
Text them, call them, Facebook them, do whatever it
takes. Dont be afraid. The heart wants what the
heart wants.
The End