June 07, 2004 Issue

Suckers
BY V. S. NAIPAUL

Myfatherwasill.Notyetclosetodying.IusedtogodownfromLondon
atweekendstoseehim.Iusedtothinkhowshabbyhishousewas,more
acottagethanahouse,howdustyandsmoky,howmuchinneedofa
coatofpaint,andthatwaswhatmyfatherthought,too.Hethoughtthatit
wastoolittletobeleftwithafteralifeofworkandworry.
Butdutyisduty,andoneofmybigworrieswasfindingsomeonetolook
afterthehouseformyfather.Therewasatimewhenasubstantial
portionofthepopulationwasindomesticservice.Therewasnoproblem
then.Acertainamountofcomingandgoing,butnolastingproblem.
Whenyoureadbooksfrombeforethewar,younotice,ifyouhavethis
particularworryonyourmind,thatpeoplequiteeasilylefttheirhouses
andwentawayvisitingfordaysandweeks.Servantsgavethemthat
freedom.
Nowtheservantclasshasvanished.Nooneknowswhattheservants
havemetamorphosedinto.Onethingwecanbesureofisthatwehave
notlostthem,thattheyarestillinvaryingwayswithus,incultureand
attitudesofdependence.Ineverytownandlargevillage,wenowhave
ancillarycouncilestates,clustersofsubsidizeddwellingsmeant
originallyforthepoor.Theseclustersarerecognizableevenfromthe
train.Theyhaveadeliberatesocialistugliness,aconscioussuppression
ofthoseideasofbeautyandhumanitythatrisenaturallyfromtheheart.
Therecanbenoabsolutematchofoneagewithanother,butIwouldnt
besurprisedifthepercentageofpeopleatonetimeindomesticservice
isntmatchednowbythenumbersonthesecouncilestates.

And,ofcourse,itistotheseplacesthatwehavetolookforhelpwithour
houses.Weputourpleadinglittlecardsinthelocalnewsagents
window.Induecourse,thecleaningpeoplecome.And,induecourse,
theygo.And,sincenoonekeepsaninventoryinhismindofallthathe
hasinhishouse,itisonlyaftertheyhaveleftthatwerealizethatthisis
missingandthathasgone.DickenssetFaginsthieveskitcheninthe
SevenDialsareaofLondon,aroundwhatisnowTottenhamCourtRoad,
withthebookshops.Fromthere,Faginsenthislittlepeopleouttopicka
patheticlittlepurseorliftaprettyhandkerchief.FearfultoDickens,these
wanderersabroad,buttoussoinnocent,sodaring.Today,circumstances
requireusactuallytoinvitetheArtfulDodgerandhiscrewintoour
house,andtheinsurancecompaniestellus,toolate,thatnothinglostin
thiswaycaneverberedeemed.Strangeandvariousneedsthemodern
Dodgershave:allthesugarinahouse,perhaps;allthecoffee;the
envelopes;halftheunderclothes;everypieceofpornography.
Lifeinthesecircumstancesbecomes,inasmallway,aconstantgamble
andananxiety.Wealllearntolivewithit.And,infact,aftermuch
comingandgoingweatlastfoundsomeonesuitableformyfathers
house.Jowasacountrygirl,butverymuchuptotheminute,single,with
acoupleofchildren,duallyfathered,ifthatisgrammaticallypossible,
whobroughtherquiteatidysumeveryweek.Shespokeofpeoplebeing
ofgoodstock,andsheseemedtosuggestthatafterherearlymistakes
shewasstrivingforhigherthings.
Thisdidntimpressme.Itookitasamarkofcriminality.Ihaveknown
criminalsallmyprofessionallife,andinmyexperiencethisishow
criminalsliketopresentthemselves.ButIwaswrongaboutthiswoman.
Shestayed,andwasgoodandreliable.Shewasinherthirties,educated,
abletowritereasonablywell,anelegantdresser(buyingstylishthings

cheapfrommailorderfirms),andhermannersweregood.Shestayedfor
six,seven,eightyears.Shebecameafixture.Ibeganalmosttotake
herforgranted.
Itookgoodcareallthistimetoshownointerestinherprivatelife.Iam
surethatitwasquitecomplicated,givenherlooks,butIneverwantedto
know.Ifearedbeingdraggeddownintothedetails.Ididntwantto
knowthatSimon,abuilder,waslikethis,orMichael,ataxidriver,was
likethat.
IusedtogodowntothecottageonFridayevenings.OneSaturday
morningshetoldme,withoutanyprompting,thatshehadhadahard
week.Sohardthatonenightshehadcometothecottage,parkedhercar
inthelittledrive,andcried.Iaskedwhyshehadcometothecottageto
cry.
Shesaid,Ihavenowhereelsetogo.Iknewthatyourfatherwouldnt
mind.AndafteralltheseyearsIregardthecottageasmyhome.
Iunderstoodwhatshemeant;ittoreatmyheart,buteventhenI
genuinelydidntwanttoknowthedetails.And,ofcourse,intimeshegot
overthatcrisisandwasassereneandstylishandwellmanneredasever.
Sometimepassed.AndthenagainIbegantounderstandthattherewas
somethingnewinJoslife.Notaman,butawoman.Someonenewon
thecouncilestate,orsomeonejustdiscovered.Theotherwomansname
wasMarian.Shewasartistic;shemadecurtainsandpaintedearthenware
plates.SheinfectedJowithawishtodosimilarthings.OnweekendsI
begantohearabouttheexpensivenessofkilns.Sixoreighthundred
pounds.IhadtheideathatIwasbeingasked,inthenameofartandJos

generalsocialendeavor,tospendsomemoneyonanelectrichomekiln.
Abusinessexpense,whichwouldapparentlyberecoveredinnotime.As
itwas,Jowasgettingalmostnoreturnonhercraftandart.Bythetime
shehadpaidfortheplainearthenwareplatesonwhichshedidher
painting,offlowersordogsortinykittensinteacups,andthenforthe
bakingofherpaintedplatesbyakilnowneronthecouncilestate,forthe
rentingofastallatacraftfair,forthetraveltothefairbythetimeshe
haddoneallthat,shewasshowingnoprofitatall.Iimaginedhersitting
forlornlybesidehergoodsatthefair,asanancestorinlongskirtsand
clogsmighthavesatinasimplertimebesidehereggsinavillage
market,readyattheendofthewearydaytoexchangeeverythingfora
handfulofmagicseeds.
SometimesinLondon,agoaheadyoungartdealerwhomyouhavejust
gottoknowinvitesyoutodinner.Anditseemsatfirstthateverythingin
hisausterelylaidouthouseorflatisexceptionallytastefulandwell
chosen,theenviablediscoveriesofanunusualeye.Whenatlastyoufeel
youmustremarkonthelongandlovelyoldoaktableonwhichyouare
dining,youaretoldthatitisforsale,alongwitheverythingelseyou
haveseen.Yourealizethenthatyouhavebeeninvitednotjusttodinner
buttoanexhibition,thewayadevelopermightaskyoutoashowhouse,
foralittlemorethanthepleasureofyourcompany.
SonowitwaswithJo.ShebeganonSaturdaymorningstoundobig,
heavybundlesofherworkpaintedplates,enamelandwirework,very
streakylandscapesandportraitsinwax,charcoaldrawingsofanimals,
watercolorsofriversandwillows.Everythingthatcouldbeframedwas
framed,withverybigmounts;thatwaswhythebundlesweresoheavy.

TheseSaturdayexhibitionsputmeonthespot.Iactuallywasinterested.
ItwasmovingtometoseethesestirringsofthespiritwhereIhad
expectednothing.Buttoexpressinterestwastoencouragethedisplayof
anotherbigbundlethefollowingSaturday.Tosaythenthattherewas
realtalentthereandthatitmightbeagoodideaforhertotakedrawing
orwatercolorlessonsdrewnoresponsefromher.Itwasnotwhatshe
wantedtohear.
Somehowtheideahadbeengiventoherthattalentwasnaturaland
couldntbeforcedortrained.WhenIsaidthatonepieceshowedabig
development,shesaid,Iguessitwasallthere.Shewasspeakingofthe
bubblingupofhertalent,andshewasnotboasting.Shemightaswell
havebeentalkingofsomethingoutsideherself.Ifeltthatthesesemi
politicalideasaboutthenaturalnessofartistictalentandits
classlessness:therewasmorethanahintofthathadbeengiventoher
bysomeone.IthoughtitmightbehernewfriendMarian.
IttookmealittletimetounderstandthatJohadbeenpresentingher
worktomenotformycriticismbutbecauseshewantedmetobuyher
work;shewantedmetotellmyLondonfriendsabouther.Iwasacraft
fairallonmyown.Andsowasmyfather.TheworkJobroughton
Saturdaymorningswasnothersalone.Thereweremanypiecesby
Marian,andshewasgenerousaboutthem.Nojealousythere.Ibeganto
feelthatthesetwowomen,oneencouragingtheother,hadbecomeawed
bythemselves.Theywereordinarypeople,buttheirtalentmadethem
remarkable,abovethecommonrunofwomen.Theylikedeveryartistic
thingtheydid.Eachpiecewastothemalittlemiracle.Ibecamenervous
ofthesewomen,andverymuchonmyguard.

Sometimestheylikedtoleaveworkinthecottage.Thiswasmoreformy
fatherthanforme.Howeverfiercehewaswithoutsiders,hewasgentle
withJo.Helikedtogivetheimpressionthathewasinherhands.He
actuallyneverwas.Thisbitofactingpleasedhim:alittlepowerplay
lettingthetwowomen,suppliantsinthismatterofartwork,thinkthathe
wasfeeblerthanhewas.TheideaofJoandMarianwasthatafteraweek
orsothebeautyofapiecewouldbeoverwhelmingandmyfatherwould
buy.Youcantblamethem;thisiswhatsomeLondondealersdo.
Animportantcraftfairwascomingup.Iheardaboutitweeksbeforehand
fromJo.ItwastobeonaSunday,andonthemorningofthatSundaya
Volvostationwagonpulledintothecottagedrive.AwomanIdidnt
knowwasdriving.ItookthistobeMarian.Jowassittingbesideher.
Theyhadcometotakeawaysomeoftheartworkthattheyhadleftfor
myfathertogetusedto.Jogotoutfirstand,verymuchthewomanwho
knewherwayaround,letherselfintothecottage.Shecameoutshortly
afterwardwithmyfather,who,overdoingthedodderiness,was
ineffectuallyhelpingtobringvariousawkwardlyshapedpieces(big
frames,bigmounts)outtotheporch.
Myroomwasattheotherendofthecottage,neartheentrancegateway,
atthebeginningofthesmallsemicirculardrive.SowhenMariangotout
ofthecartogreetmyfatherIsawherfromtheback.Herblack,tooloose
elasticpants,partofablackoutfit,hadslippedfardown.Andthat
energeticgettingoutoftheVolvo,usingthesteeringwheeltolever
herselfout,hadpulledthemaskewandevenlower.
Shesaidtomyfather,Ivebeenadmiringyourlovelyhouse.Iveheard
somuchaboutitfromJo.

Suchdirectness,suchsocialgracewasntatallwhatIhadbeen
expecting.NorwasthebigVolvo,handledwithamatchinggraceas,
sittinghigh,sheeaseditintothetight,awkwardcurveofourdrive.For
yearsafterward,Icouldrecallthatmoment.Shewastall,afurther
surprise,notplebeianorcouncilestateinfigurebutexercisedand
slender.Theglimpseofherlowerbody,thecoarseblackmaterial
contrastingwiththelovelyskin,fixedthemomentinmymind.Witha
quickrighthand,shestraightenedthebackofherpants,pullingthemout
anddownalittlemorebeforepullingthemup.Idoubtwhethersheknew
whatshehaddone.Butthemomentwaseverwithme.When,later,we
weretogether,itcouldbringaboutanimmediatedesireforher,orput
lifeintoalaggingperformance.
Iwatchedthemputtheirpiecesinthestationwagonanddriveaway.I
wastoonervoustocallouttoJo.AndsoithappenedthatforaweekI
wasobsessedbyawomanwhosefaceIhadntevenseen.
OnSaturday,IaskedJohowthefairhadgone.Shesaidthatithadnt
goneatall.SheandMarianhadsatalldayattheirstall(therentwas
twentyfivepounds)andnothinghadhappened.Towardtheendofthe
afternoon,somemenhadappearedtobeinterested,buttheywereonly
tryingtopickthemup.
Isaid,IsawMarianlastSundaymorningwhenshecamehere.
Ihadtriedtospeakasneutrallyaspossible.ButthelookonJosfacetold
methatIhadgivenmyselfaway.Womenaresharpaboutsexual
attraction,evenwhentheythemselvesarenotinvolved.Alltheirsenses
aretrainedtodetectthebeginningsofinterestandinclination,amans
lossofneutrality.

Josbrighteyesbecameshadedwithroguishnessandcomplicity.She
herselfwasdisplayinganewcharacter,asiftomatchwhatshehadseen
inme.
Iasked,WhatdoesMariando?
Sheisaswimmer.Sheworksatthebaths.Themunicipalbathsinour
markettown.
Thatexplainedtheexercisedbody.Ihadneverbeentothemunicipal
bathsandIimaginedmyselfinabiggishpoolwithbarefootMarianin
herswimsuitdoingherrounds,walkingafootortwoabovethelevelof
myhead.(ThoughIknewitwouldntbelikethat:shewouldmorelikely
beinasyntheticshellsuitofsomesort,sittinginachairbesidethesun
bleachedandwaterstainedplywoodteacounter,drinkingbadcoffeeor
tea,andreadingamagazine.)
Jo,asifreadingmythoughts,said,Sheslovely,isntshe?Generous,
asalways,aboutherfriend,butstillwiththenewcomplicitlook,as
thoughshewerereadyforanyadventurewithmethatmightincludeher
friend.
Ithoughtoftheexercisedandrelaxedbodystretchedoutinherbed,
cleanbodyoncleansheets,smellingofchlorineandwater,andIwas
deeplystirred.
Josaid,Shesmadeacoupleofmistakes.Liketherestofus.
Joslanguagewaslikethat,filledwithstrangeoldfashionedechoes:the
mistakeswerenodoubtchildrenbyunsuitablemen.

Shesaid,Shesbeenlivingwithsomeoneforages.
Shebegantotellmewhatthismandid,butIstoppedher.Ididntwant
toknowanymore.Ididntwanttogetapictureofhim.Itwouldhave
beenunbearable.
MypursuitofMarianwasthemosthumiliatingthingIhadeverexposed
myselfto.Andattheend,toaddtomyhumiliation,Idiscoveredthat
councilestatewomenofMariansagethoughtofsexinthemostmatter
offactwayinthecrudestway,youmightsay,orthesimplest,themost
natural,almostassomethingthattheyhadtogoshoppingforandinthe
samespiritofsportwithwhichtheywentshoppingforcutprice
groceries(oncertainevenings,whenthesupermarketsmarkeddown
perishableitems).
Mariantoldmelaterthatgroupsofyoungwomeninherareawouldform
apartyonThursdaysorFridaysorSaturdaysandgoouttothepubsand
clubs,trawlingforsexwithmentheyfanciedonsight.Fancied:thatwas
theword.Ifancyhim.Nowomanwantednottohaveamanshe
fancied.Theseoccasionscouldturnrough.Thefanciedmenwerealso
matteroffactaboutsex,andawomancouldeasilybeknockedabout.If
sheobjectedtooloudly,orwithtoomanyobscenities,shecouldbegiven
abeershampoo:abottleofbeeremptiedoverherhead.Itwasallpart
ofthesexgame.Almosteverywomanwhodidthiskindofweekend
clubbinghadatonetimeoranotherhadabeershampoo.Attheend,
therewassexforeveryone,howeverfat,howeverplain.
Marianwastellingmeonedayaboutsomeoneonherstreet,ayoung
woman,wholivedoncrispsandchocolatebarsandpizzasandburgers,
andwasimmenselyfat.Thiswomanhadthreechildren,alsoveryfat,by

threedifferentfathers.Ithoughtthatthiswasacriticalstoryfrom
Marian,theswimmer,aboutbaddietandfatness.ButIwaswrong.Most
ofthewomeninMariansareawerefat.Fatnessbyitselfwasntastory.
Thiswasastoryaboutthefatwomanssexualappetiteandsexual
success.ThemoraltoneIdthoughtIdetectedwasntthere.Marianwas
speaking,inhergossipyway,onlyofthepresumptionandabsurdityof
thefatwoman.Shesaid,ItslikeaChineselaundryinthathouse,with
men.Inandoutfast.
ThatwasMarianslanguagestyle.Sharp.Itwentwitheverythingelse
abouther.Tome,itallmadeawhole.
EvenifIdhadsomeorallofthisknowledgeaboutMarians
background,Idontthinkitwouldhavehelpedmeinmycourtship,to
usethatinappropriateword.Icouldnthaveadoptedtheattitudeofthe
fanciedmenofthepubs.Iwouldnthaveknownhowtoknockawoman
aboutorgiveherabeershampoo.Icouldonlybemyself,anddependon
suchartsofseductionasIpossessed.Theseartshardlyexisted.Mywife,
Perdita,andafewotherwomenlikePerditahad,asthesayingwas,
thrownthemselvesatme.Theyhadntdonesoforflagrantsexual
purposes.Theyddoneitonlyformarriage.Sexhadhardlyenteredinto
it.IwasO.K.,asapartnerorahusband,andthatwasall.SoIneverhad
toseekwomenoutorwinthem.Theyweresimplythere,andI
discoverednowthat,inthewinningofMarian,Ihadnotalentsof
seductionatall.
Menarenevermorefoolishorabsurdthanwhentheymakeapass.
Womenespeciallymockthem,thoughthesesamewomenwouldbe
mortifiedifnopasswasmadeatthem.Ifeltthisabsurditykeenly,andI
wouldnthavebeenabletopullitoffifJohadnthelpedme.She

preparedthegroundforme,sotospeak,sothatwhenMarianandI
finallymet,MarianknewthatIwasinterestedinher.Wemetinthe
loungeoftheoldcoachinginninthetown.Theidea,whichwasJos,
wasthatsheandMarianshouldbehavingcoffeeorteaonaSaturday
afternoon,andI,comingintothetownfromthecottage,shouldhappen
uponthem.Itwassimplicityitself,asJosaid,butitwaseasierforthe
womenthanforme.Iwasmorethanembarrassed.Icouldhardlybearto
lookatMarian.
Joleft.Marianstayedtohavealukewarmdrinkinthedark,low,almost
emptybar.Ipresentedmycase.Infact,thelegalanalogyhelpedmeto
doso.Everythingaboutherenchantedme,hernarrownessabovethe
waist,hervoice,heraccent,herlanguage,heraloofness.WheneverIfelt
mycouragefailing,Ithoughtofhercoarse,blackelasticatedpants
slippinglowwhenshegotoutoftheVolvostationwagon.Ithoughtit
wasimportantnottoletthingsdragonforanotherweek.Iwouldlose
momentum,perhapslosecouragealtogether,andshemightchangeher
mind.Sheagreedtostayfordinner;infact,sheseemedtothinkthatthat
hadalreadybeenagreedupon.Johaddoneherworkwell.BetterthanI
haddonemine.Ihadmadenoarrangements.Foraminuteorso,I
thoughtImighttakehertothecottage,butIknewthatthatwouldbe
calamitous;myfather,thoughdecayed,hadastrangecanninessstill.So
dinnerwasonlydinner.Therewasnoworkingtowardanythingelse
afterward.YoucouldsaythatMarianandIhadakindofcourtship.We
hadthehousewine;shelovedthat.Wearrangedtomeetforlunchthe
nextday.IfeltthatIcouldshowerJowithtreasureforallshehaddone
forme.
Ibookedaroomattheinnforthenextday.Ihadananxiousnight,anda
desperatemorning.IhavesearchedmyselftoseewhetherIhaveever

spentsuchananxioustime,sofullofyearning,sofullofselfdistrust,
andIdontthinkIhave.Ifeltthateverythingdependedonseducingthis
woman,takinghertobed.Inothercrises,onehasanideaofwhatoneis
worthandwhatworkonehasdoneandwherethingsmightbegoing.But
inthisbusinessofseductionIhadnoexperience.Itwasthecompletest
gamble.Everythingdependedontheotherperson.Later,whenIgotto
knowmoreaboutthewaysofMarianandherfriends,thisanxietyof
mineappearedextraordinarilyfoolishandpathetic.But,asIhavesaid
before,evenifIhadknownaboutthosewaysitwouldnothavehelped.
Thelongnightended.Thelunchcame.Wewentafterwardtothebooked
room,withitsstrangedarkandmustyfurniture.Howterriblenowto
embraceastranger,justlikethat.Marianseemedveryslightlytorepel
me,andIwasrelieved.Weundressed.IundressedasthoughIwereat
thedoctors,beingexaminedforarash.Jacketonachair;thentrousers,
underpants,andshirt,allveryneatly.
Mariansarmpitsweredarkwithsilkyhair.
Isaid,Soyoudontshave.
Somebodyaskedmenottosometimeago.Somepeoplethinkits
disgusting.Theymakestrangefaceswhentheyseeit.
Iloveit.
Sheallowedmetostrokeit,tofeelitssilkiness.Itoverexcitedme,and
workedwiththeotherpicturesIhadofher.IcamealittlebeforeI
should.Shewascool.Foralongtime,sheremainedonherleftside,hip
high,waistsunken,herrightflanksmoothandexercisedandfirm.Her

leftarmpartlycoveredhersmallbreasts.Herrightarmwascrooked
aboveherhead,revealingherunderarmhair.Ontwoorthreefingersof
thehandthatcoveredherbreastsshehadrings:gifts,Ithought,from
previousworshippers,butIclosedmymindtothemnow.
Shesaid,inhercoolway,lookingdownatme,Arentyougoingto
buggerme?
Ididntknowwhattosay.
Shesaid,Ithoughtthatwaswhereyouweregoing.
Istilldidntknowwhattosay.
Shesaid,DidyougotoOxfordorCambridge?And,withagestureof
irritation,reachedacrossthebedforherbag.Easily,asthoughsheknew
whereitwas,shetookoutatubeoflipsalve.
Ihesitated.Shepassedthelipsalvetome,saying,Iamnotdoingthis
foryou.Youdoit.
Ihadntthoughtitpossibleforanaked,exposedwomantobeso
imperious.
Shecommanded.Iobeyed.HowwellIdidIdidntknow.Shedidnttell
me.
Whenweweredressedagain,shemoreorlessfully,Ionlypartially,
therewasaringatthedoor.Iremembered,toolate,thatinmyagitationI
hadnotputontheOccupiedlight.

Sheseemedtogrowinsane.Shesaid,You,gotothebathroom.She
calledouttothepersonoutsidetowait,andthenshebeganpeltingallmy
clothesintothebathroomjacket,shoes,everythingshecouldseeas
thoughshewishednosignofmetoremainintheroom.
Itwasonlyachambermaid,doingsomekindofchecking.
Iwasstandinginthecrampedbathroomlikeamaninafarce.
YetafterwardIwasmoreconcernedwithworkingoutMarians
behavior.Perhapsitwassomeshredofshameormorality,something
beyondhercontrol.PerhapsitwasbecauseIwasnotoneofthepeople
whogavethewomenoftheestatesabeershampoo.Sonewrules,new
mannersapplied,andperhapsevennewfeelingsmightbebroughtinto
play.
Sheneverexplained,andwhenIsaidthatIhopedwecouldmeetthe
followingweekendwhenIcamedownfromLondonshesaidyes,and
thenadded,inherhalfandhalf,contraryway,Letssee.
Iboughtheraprettypieceofjewelry,somethingwithopals.Itcostafew
hundredpounds.IwantedsomethingsubstantialbecauseIknewthatshe
wouldshowittoherfriends,andoneofthem,Joperhaps,wouldtellher
totakeittoTrethowans,thelocaljewellers,tohaveitvalued.Atthe
sametime,Iwantedtobefairtomyself:opalsarenotamongthemore
expensivestones.
ShewaspleasedwhenIgaveittoherthatFridayevening.Shehelditin
herhandandconsideredtheblueflashandsparkle,theunending

miniaturestorminthestone,andthoughherowneyeswereglinting,she
said,Theysaythatopalsareunlucky.
Ihadbookedaroominthehotelfortheweekend.ThestaffwereSpanish
andPortugueseandColombian.Colombians,throughsomekindof
network,hadpenetratedtoourmarkettown,meetingsomelocalneed
beyondthatofsimplelabor.TheywereMediterraneaninspirit,infinitely
tolerant,andMarianandIweretreatedasoldfriendsbythemandthe
others.Thisdidawaywithwhateverawkwardnesswemighthavefelt
aboutournewarrangement.
Infact,itwaswonderfulinthehotel.Itwaslikebeingonaforeign
holiday,beinganexotic,inonesownplace.Livingthelifeofbarand
diningroomandbedroom,andforeignlanguages,justafewmilesfrom
myfatherscottageandovergrowngarden,whichhadforsolongbeen
formeaplaceofgloom,oftarnishedceilingsandpicturesblurredbehind
grimyglass,aplaceofalifelivedoutandnowwithoutpossibility.
IhadbeenanxiousallweekaboutmeetingMarianagain.Almostas
anxiousasIdbeenaboutourfirstmeeting.Igottothehotelearly.AndI
satinthelowceilingedlounge(awealthofexposedbeams,asthe
hotelbrochurepromised),andlookedacrosstheoldmarketsquareto
where,hiddenaroundacorner,boththetaxirankandthebusstation
were.Shewassplendidwhensheappeared.Thatwasthewordthatcame
tome.Shewasinpaleprimrosetrousers,withthewaisthigh,sothather
legsseemedverylong.Theflareonthetrousersmadethem
overwhelming.Herwalkwasbriskandathletic.IdoubtedthatIhadthe
capacitytodealwiththissplendor.Butthenitcametome,asIwatched
herstridetowardthehotel,thatthetrouserswerenew,speciallybought
forthisoccasion.Therewassomethinglikeanironingmarkorafold

markacrossthemiddle.Itwouldhavecomefromtheshop:agarment
foldedandwrappedintissueandplacedinaboxorabag.Iwasmoved
bythisevidenceofhercareandpreparation.Itgavemealittlecomfort.
Atthesametime,itmademefeelunworthy,wonderingaboutthe
challengesahead.SoIwasperhapsinagreaterstateofnervesthanIhad
beenatthebeginning.
Thereisnotragedylikethatofthebedroom:IbelieveTolstoyoncesaid
thattoafriend.Nooneknowswhathemeant.Therecurringshameful
need?Failure?Poorperformance?Rejection?Silentcondemnation?It
wasverymuchlikethatwithmelaterthatevening.IthoughtIhad
infectedMarianwithmyfeelingoftheluxuriousnessofthehotelinthe
marketsquare,thestrangefeelingitgave,withalltheforeignstaff,of
beingsomewhereabroad.Thewineatdinnerhadstrengthenedthat
feeling,Ithought.Butherdark,distantmoodreturnedatbedtime.It
mighthavebeenanotherpersonwhohadacceptedtheopalpieceand
beenpleasedbyit.
Sheundressedandofferedherself,andthenlaterexposedherselfas
before:thesunkenwaist,thelovelyhighhip,thedarkopenness,showing
methehairinherarmpits.Thistime,Iwasbetterpreparedtodowhat
sheclearlywantedmetodo.
ButIneverknewwhetherIwaspleasingher.IthoughtthatImustbe,
butsheneverleton.Perhapsshewasacting,perhapsitwasherstyle;
perhapsitwassomethingshehadlearnedfromoneofhertooboastful
friends;orsomethingthathadbeenforcedonherbyherroughchildhood
ontheestate,alittleremnantofnaturalmodesty,awayofdealingwith
thatlife.

Andthatsincethemindcandealwithmanythingsatthesametime
washowIreasonedwithmyselfwhileIwasquiteshakenwithdesire,
hardlybelievinginwhatwasbeingofferedme,wishingatthesametime
toseizeitall.
Later,whenIhadgrownupintothisfearfulunderminingofthesenses,I
wouldunderstandthatintheseearlydaysIhadnotdoneverywell.It
wouldhavedestroyedmeifIhadknown.Butatthetime,inthebedroom
ofthehotel,Ididntknow.
Midwaythroughtheevening,shesaid,Iseeyouvecomewithyour
belt.Doyouwanttobeatme?
Ihadsomeideawhatshemeant.Butitwastoofarawayfromme.Isaid
nothing.
Shesaid,Usethebelt.Dontuseanythingelse.
Whenwehaddonewiththatshesaid,Ismybottomblackandblue?
Itwasnt.Manyweekslater,thatwouldbetrue,butnotthen.
Shesaid,Diditgiveyouanicebig,fatcome?
Ithadnt.ButIdidntsay.
Shesaid,Ihadyournumber.Andsheswungherstronglegsoffthe
bed.

So,afterallthathadoccurredbetweenus,shekeptherdistance.I
thoughtthatthatwasthewholepointofherattitudeduringthistragedy
ofthebedroom,andIadmiredherforit.Iwillinglygrantedherthat
distance.IfIhadnt,itwouldhavebeenjustanotherrelationship,and
thatsimplywasntpossible.Apartfromthebedroom,andthatdarkening
ofhermood,therewasalmostnothingbetweenus.Wehadverylittleto
talkabout.
Somethingshehadread,somesaucybookormanual,orsome
conversationwithawomanfriend,hadgivenherherownideaofmy
specialneed,mynumber,asshesaid.Shewasonlyaquarterright.I
hadalwaysthoughtofmyselfasamanoflowsexualenergy.Thisidea
hadbecomepartofmycharacter.Itsimplifiedthingsforme.Theideaof
havingsexwithawoman,ofexposingmyselftothatkindofintimacy,
wasdistastefultome.Somepeopleinsistthatifyourenotonething
youretheother.TheybelievethatIminterestedinmen.Theoppositeis
true.Thefactisthatallsexualintimacyisdistastefultome.Ivealways
consideredmylowsexualenergyasakindoffreedom.Iamsurethat
therehavebeenmanypeoplelikeme.Ruskin,HenryJames.Theyare
strangeexamples,buttheyretheonesthatcomeimmediatelytomind.
Weshouldbeallowedtohaveourfreedom.
IwasinmyfortieswhenIfirstsawamodernmagazinewithsexual
photographs.Iwasshockedandfrightened.Thosemagazineshadbeenin
thenewsagentsshopsforyears,allmoreorlesswiththesamecovers,
andIhadnotthoughtoflookingatthem.Thisisabsolutelytrue.Some
timelater,Isawavarietyofmorespecializedpornographicmagazines.
Theymademeashamed.Theymademefeelthatwecouldallbetrained
intheseghastlyextensionsofsexualfeeling.Onlyafewbasicsexual
actsoccurspontaneously.Everythingelsehastobetaught.Fleshisflesh.

Wecanallbemadetolearn.Withouttraining,wewouldknownothing
ofcertainpractices.Ipreferrednottobetrained.
IbelievethatMariansawallofthisignoranceinme.Shewishedtodraw
meout,ofcourse,withinthelimitsofherownknowledge,withinthe
limitsofwhatsheherselfhadbeentrainedtodo,andtosomeextentshe
succeeded.
IhavesaidthattherewasnothingbetweenMarianandmeoutsidethe
bedroom.ButIwonderaboutthat.HavinggottoknowMarian,Iwished
toknownootherwomaninthatspecialway,andIwonderwhetherthat
cannotbedescribedasakindoflove:thesexualpreferenceforone
personaboveallothers.
Ifellintoanewpatternofliving.WeekdaysinLondon,weekendsinthe
countrywithMarian.IntimeIlostmyanxietywithher,thoughthere
wasalwaysthatdarknessanddistanceinherbedroommood.ThemoreI
gottoknowher,themoreIpushedmyselfsexuallywithher.Inever
wantedduringthoseweekendstowasteher,sotospeak;Ineverwanted
tobeidlewithher.BySundaymorning,Iwasalwayscloseto
enervation.Ilongedthentobefreeofher,tobeontheroadbackto
London.And,paradoxically,Sundayeveningswerethebesttimeofthe
weekforme,atimeofdeliciousrestandsolitudeandreflection,when
sexualexhaustionandreliefturnedslowlytoageneralfeelingof
optimism,andIbecamereadyfortheweekahead.ByThursday,Iwould
begrounddownagain,myheadoncemorefullofpicturesofMarian;
andIwouldbemorethaneageronFridayafternoontogetbacktoher.It
wasinitswayaperfectrelationship,withjustenoughseparationtokeep
desiregoing.

Wechangedhotelsafewtimes,thoughstayinginthegeneralarea:I
wishedalways,whilemyfatherlived,tobewithinreachofthecottage.
Inthebeginning,thischangingofhotelswastopreventMarianfrom
beingrecognizedbyherfriendsorrelations.Later,itwasmainlyforthe
novelty:newrooms,newstaff,newloungeandbar,newdiningroom.
Wethoughtforatimeofbuyingaflatorahouseinanoutlyingsmall
town,andtheideaexcitedusforsomemonths,butaswebegantogo
intothedetailsthethoughtofhousekeepinggrewmoreandmore
oppressivetobothofus.
AhousekeepingweekendwouldnothavebeenatallwhatIwanted.It
wouldhavebroughtoutthefamilysideofMarian,whichIhadclosed
mymindto.Thatfamilysidewasalwaysthereinthebackground;
sometimesIcouldfeelfamilyproblemspressingonMarian,butIwished
toknownothingofthem.Toknowmore,toseeMarianasadaytoday
councilestatehousewife,wouldhavedoneawaywiththeenchantmentI
foundinherroughwaysandherdeformedaccent,thingsthatwentso
strangelywithhercleansmellingswimmersbody.Buttheideaof
propertyhadexcitedher,andintheend,asakindofcompensation,I
boughthercouncilestatehouseforher.Thelawhadrecentlybeen
changedtoenablecouncilestatetenantstobuytheirhomes.Icouldput
nopriceonmyweekendswithMarian,andthepricethecouncilputon
herhousewasmorethanreasonable.
Justaspeoplelikemyfather,saycangraduallygetusedtoamedical
conditionthatifpresentedtothemallatoncewouldhavebeenlikean
overturningoftheirworld,ascalamitousaswarorinvasion,withevery
familiarroutineunderminedandsomethingsdestroyed,soIgrewinto
mynewsocialcondition:livingintenselyatweekendswithawoman

withwhomIcouldhavenotrueconversation,whomIhadnowishto
takeoutortopresenttoanyone.
AndthenImadealiterarydiscovery.Ireadselectionsfromthejournals
ofaVictoriangentlemancalledA.J.Munby,andfoundafellow.
Munbywasbornin1828anddiedin1910.Thismakeshimtheexact
contemporaryofTolstoy.Hewasahighlyeducatedman,afineandvivid
writerintheeffortlessVictorianway,andhewasdeepintheintellectual
andartisticlifeofhistime.Heknewmanyofthegreatnames.Some,
likeRuskinandWilliamMorris,heknewbysightorbetter.Whenhe
wasstillaveryyoungman,hecouldgreetDickensinthestreetandthen,
inafewwordsinhisjournal,hecouldpindownthephysicalappearance
ofthefiftyyearoldauthor:adandy,abitofanactor,vainofhisslender
figure,hishattiltedonhishead.
ButMunbylikeRuskinandlikeDickenshadasexualsecret.Hewas
passionatelyinterestedinworkingwomen.Helikedwomenwholiterally
gottheirhandsdirty.Helikedseeingservantwomenintheirdirt,ashe
said,withtheirhandsandfacesblackwithsootandgrime.Anditis
astonishingtoustodayhowmanydirtyjobsofthetime,cleaning
fireplacesandsoon,weredonebywomenwithouttools,withonlybare
anduncoveredhands.Whenthesehandswerewashed,theyshowed
roughandthickandred.Ladieshandswerewhiteandsmall.Munbys
preference,awayfromdrawingrooms,wasforthoseredhandswhich,
unlesscoveredbytheelbowlengthglovesoffashion,couldalwaysgive
aworkingwomanaway.
Munbytalkedtoanynumberofthesewomeninthestreet.Hesketched
them.Hehadphotographstakenofthem.Hewasanearlyamateurof

photography.Heposedwomencollieryworkersintheircoarse,heavily
patchedtrousers,legscrossedsometimes,leaningontheirmansize
shovels,lookinghardandbemusedatthephotographer,oneortwo
findingenoughvanityforasmile.Thereisnothingpornographicinthese
photographsanddrawings,thoughforMunbythesubjectwould
doubtlesshavehadsomeeroticcharge.
Formuchofhislifehehadasecretliaisonwithaservantwoman.She
wastallandrobust,aheadabovemostpeopleinthestreet.Munbyliked
womenofsizeandstrength.Helikedtheideaofthiswomanfriendofhis
continuingtoworkasaservantinotherhouses;andthoughshe
sometimescomplainedabouttheinconsideratenessofheremployers,he
wasnottooeagertoemancipateher.Sheunderstoodhisfetishanddidnt
mind:beforemeetingMunby,shehadlongedinadreamywaytohavea
gentlemanasaloverorahusband.Sometimes,thoughrarelyinthe
beginning,theylivedtogetherinthesamehouse.Then,whenpeople
called,thewomanhadtogetupfromherdrawingroomchairand
pretendtobethemaid.Inthejournal,thereisnohintofsexinthe
relationship,thoughthismighthavebeenonlyVictorianreticence.
ForamanofMunbystastes,VictorianLondonwouldhavebeenfullof
excitement.Whatpleasure,forinstance,inaBloomsburySquare,tosee
atsixintheeveningeverybasementwindowlitup,eachwithitsspecial
treasuredisplayedasifonastage:aservantwomansittingonachair,
waitingtobecalled.
AndjustasinMunbysjournalthereisasenseofanencirclingLondon
servantlife,fullofpainandpleasureforhim,soitwasforme,with
Marian;thoughIclosedmymindtowhatshedidwhenshewasntwith

me,therecamefragments,developingafteratimeintoafullpicture,ofa
frighteningandbrutalcouncilestatelifeIhadneverreallyknown.
Duringtheweek,Marianlivedinhercouncilhousewiththemistakes
Johadmentionedtomerightatthebeginning.Themistakesweretwo:
twochildrenbydifferentmen.Igatheredearlyonthatthefirstofthose
menwasadrifter.ItwasoneofMarianswords;shemadeitsound
almosttechnical,almostanoccupationthatmightbeenteredonSocial
Securityorothergovernmentforms.Occupation:Drifter.Thedrifterwas
darkhaired.Thehairwasimportant:Marianmentioneditmorethan
once,asifitexplainedeverything.
Marianherselfhadbeenoneoffourmistakesthathermotherhadmade
withthreedifferentmen.Afterthesefourmistakes,Mariansmother,still
onlyinhertwenties,hadcomeuponamanshereallyfancied.Itwas
whatshehadbeenwaitingforallherlife.Love:itwasherdestiny.She
didnthesitate.Sheleftthefourmistakesandwentoffwiththemanto
anotherhouseonthecouncilestate.Therewassometroublewiththe
authoritiesthen,becauseMariansmotherwantedtogoonclaimingthe
benefitsthatthefourmistakeshadbroughther.Somehowthatmatter
wassmoothedover,andMariansmotherlivedwithhermanuntilhegot
tiredofherandranoffwithsomebodyelse.Itwasthewayoflifedown
there.
Thiskindofthinghappenselsewhereaswell,butwhatisinterestingto
meisthatatnostagewasMariansmotherrequiredbyanyonein
authoritytolivewiththematerialorfinancialconsequencesofher
decisions.Therewasalwaysacouncilhouseavailable,andalwaysa
benefitofsomesort.YoumightsaythatMariansmotherseveryaction
broughtanofficialreward.Thepeoplewhopaidwerethechildren,the

mistakes.AndIsupposeitcanbesaidthattheywerentbeingpunished
inanyspecialway:theywereonlybeingtrainedforcouncilestatelife,
thewaythatMarianspoormotherhadbeentrainedinherchildhood,by
otherpeopleandotherevents.
Marianandtheothermistakesweretakenintocare.Aterrible
technicalword,andthiswasthemostterriblepartofMarianschildhood.
Itwasastoryofbeatingsandsexualabuseandrepeatedhopelessrunning
away.Somehowthechildenduredandwentthroughthegovernment
mill.Shewenttovariouscorrectionalschools.Atoneofthem,she
learnedtoswim.Itbecamethegreatestthinginherlife.Andallthis
whilethereweredayswhenMariansawhermotherdrivingby,living
outherotherlife.
Whenthatlifecametoanend,hermotherreappeared,andtherewasthen
somethinglikeafamilylifeagain,inanothercouncilhouse.Aspartof
thatlifeMarianandtheothersweresometimestakenbytheirmotheron
shopliftingexcursionstosupermarketsandlocalstores.Theydidvery
well.Sometimestheywerecaught,butthenMarianandtheother
mistakesdidwhattheyhadbeentoldtodo:theyscreamedthestore
down,andtheywerealwaysletgo.Intime,theseexcursionsstopped.
EveryoneMarianknewontheestatehadalifethatwasaversionofher
own.
LearningaboutthisearlylifeofMarians,Ibegantounderstandher
withdrawnbedroommood:thedeadeyes,theshutteredmind.AndthenI
wishedthatIdidntknowwhatIhadcometoknow.Iassociateditwith
anawfulandpatheticepisodeIcameuponinMunby.Alittleparagraph,
whichIwishedIhadntread.Munby,oneday,eitherinaprivatehouse

towhichhehadbeenadmittedorinahotel,enteredaroomandsawa
chambermaidstandingwithherbacktohim.Hespoketoherandshe
turned.Shewasyoungandhadasweetface,withmannerstomatch.She
washoldingachamberpotwithonehandandstirringthecontentswith
herotheruncoveredhand:suggestingthatthereweresolidsinthe
chamberpot.
SomethingofthissorrowanddisgustcametomewhenIthoughtof
Marianspast.Itcameuponmeatourmostintimatemoments.
Iknewthecouncilestatewherethebaddramaofherchildhoodhadbeen
playedout.Toher,atthetime,thatdramawouldhaveseemedunending.
Ihadpassedmanytimestheveryordinaryplacewhereshehadbeen
takenintocareandfromwhichshehadtriedtorunaway.Itwasas
though,forher,butnotforme,whodrovebyunseeing,unknowing,
unthinking,existingalmostinaseparateage,anexactmoralparallelof
theDickensworldstillexisted.Thatparallelwasconcealedfromtherest
ofusbythebrightpaintofthecouncilhouses,theparkedmotorcars,and
ourtooeasyideasofsocialchange.
Once,veryslowly,overtheperiodofayearortwo,thecouncilhouses
wererefurbished.Ihadnoticeditonlywithaquarterofmymind,
wondering,withalittleanxietyaboutbuilders,abouttheworkthathadto
bedoneonmyhouseinSt.JohnsWood.
OneFridayevening,ataxidriverfromthetrainstationranksaidtome
aswedroveby,Youcanchangethehouses.Youcantchangethe
people.

Whathesaidwaswitty,butIwassurehehadgotitfromsomebodyelse.
Hewasacouncilestateman.Hehadtoldmeso,andIknewthat,inhis
semicriminalway,hewasspeakingtomeastoanoutsider,tellingme
whathethoughtIwantedtohear.
Thesethingshavetoend,Isuppose.Butthroughafoolishremnantof
socialvanityIhastenedtheendofmyaffairwithMarian.Ithappened
likethis.
Jodecidedthatshewantedtohaveaproperweddingwiththecookshe
hadbeenlivingwithforsomeyears,andbywhomshehadalreadyhada
profitablemistakeortwo.Shewantedtheworks:church,decoratedbig
car,whiteribbonsrunningfromrooftoradiator,tophatandmorning
coat,shinywhiteweddingdress,bouquet,photographer,receptionatthe
localpubwheretheydothesecouncilestatereceptions.Theworks.And
shewantedmetocome.Shehadlookedaftermyfatherandhishouse,
anditwasthisrelationship,ratherthanherfriendshipwithMarian,that
sheclaimedasthestrongerbondbetweenus.Itcouldbesaidthatinthe
pettiestwayshewasafamilyretainer.Itpleasedhertomakethepoint,
andoutofamostfoolishkindofvanityandwitheverykindofmisgiving
nooneknowsbetterthanIthatmostclassideasarenowoutofperiod
Iwent.
Itwasasghastlyaparodyascouldbeexpected:Josbrutishconsortin
tophatandalltherest,Josfaceglisteningwithmakeup,eyelashes
twinklingwithglitterdust.Andyetthewomanbelowallofthatwas
tremblingwithrealemotion.
Ikepttomyself,pretendednottoseeMarianand,moreparticularly,not
toseewhowaswithher.ItwaspartofthedealwithMarianandJo.Igot

awayassoonasIcould,beforethespeeches,andthefullmerrimentof
thereception.
WhenIgottothecar,somedistanceaway,Ifounditdreadfully
scratchedup.Onthefrontseats,inwhitepaintorsomestickywhite
pigmentfromathickmarker,therewas,inacarefulchildishhand:Piss
offandstopscrooingmymother,andPissofforelse.
Itwasabadmoment.Thatchildishhand:Ithoughtofthemaidwiththe
chamberpotinMunby.
IlearnedlaterfromMarianthatthechildsfatherhadbeenwatchingfor
me.JohadtoldsomepeoplethatIwascomingtothewedding,never
dreamingoftheconsequences.
Thewhitepaintthatthechildhadusedhadaspecial,clingingquality.It
wasalmostimpossibletowipeaway;itmighthavebeendevisedfor
graffitiartistswhowishedtoprotecttheirworkagainstsmokeand
weatheranderasure.Itfilledeveryminutedepressionintheimitation
leatherofthecarseats;onthesmoothersurface,evenafterithadbeen
scrubbedoff,itleftacleartrace,likethedragofasnail,glintingwhen
thelightfellonitatacertainangle.
ThepersecutionthatbeganthatSaturdaygrewweekendbyweekend.I
wasknown;mycarwasknown.Iwasfollowed.Iwastelephoned,and
whenIansweredIwasabusedbythechild.Thefeeblenessofthemanin
thebackground,thefatherofthechild,hidingbehindthechild,became
moreandmoresinistertome.

Idecidedintheendtoputastoptoourcountryweekendsandtobuya
flatforMarianinLondon.Theideadelightedher,delightedhersomuch
thatthepersecutioncouldhavebeenpartofaplan:shehadalways
wantedtoliveinLondon,tobeneartheshopsinsteadofhavingtotravel
uptothem.
ButLondonisanenormouscity.IhadnoideawhereImightbuya
modestbutsuitableflat.ThatwaswhenIopenedmyselftooneofthe
youngerpartnersinmyfirm.Itoldhimofmyneed,andtoldhimalittle
morethanIshouldhave.HelivedinwestLondon,inoneofthesmart
NormanShaworArtsandCraftshousesnearTurnhamGreen.Hewas
friendly,evenconspiratorial.Hedidnotlookdownonmebecauseofmy
relationshipwithMarian.HetoldmethatTurnhamGreenwastheplace
tolook.MostoftheVictorianorEdwardianhousesinthatareawere
beingturnedintoflats;theywereaquarterorathirdthepriceofflats
nearerthecenter.
AndTurnhamGreenagoodjourneysouthandwestofSt.JohnsWood
waswhereIbought.Marianrelishedthename;shespokeitagainand
again,asthoughitwereamagicalnameinafairytale.Andwhenshe
learnedthattherewasanUndergroundrailwaylinethatwouldtakeher
fromTurnhamGreenstraighttoPiccadillyCircusintwentyortwenty
fiveminutesitwasalmostmorethanshecouldbear.Wedecidedto
forgetthecouncilhouseinthecountry,toleaveittoMariansmistakes
andthefatherofhersecondchild.BecauseMarian,likehermother
beforeher,wishednow,withthisvisionofLondonbeforeher,tobefree
ofhermistakes.
Asanyonecouldhaveforeseen,thatmovetoLondonwascalamitousfor
meandforher.Nowthatshewas,sotospeak,alwaysthere,therewas

nolongerthatweekendintensity,andwithoutthatintensityshebecame
banal.Evensexually,whichIwouldneverhavethoughtpossible.The
wholepatternofmylifehadbeenbroken.
Itwasafailureofimaginationonmypart.Somanycalamities,bigand
small,are:thefailureorinabilitytoworkoutthedaytoday
consequences,overaperiod,ofouractions.Afewyearsago,Igotto
knowawriter.HeworkedallweekattheBritishMuseumreadingroom
anddidhiswritingattheweekend.Allweek,sittinghighinthereading
room,hehadawholeworldunderhisdirectgaze;allweekhis
imaginationwasfed.Theweekendfictionhedidwasimmensely
successful.Peoplewouldgotothereadingroomjusttohaveaglimpse
ofthefamousmanathisordinaryweekdayduties:beakyfaced,making
small,abrupt,nervousmovements.Insomesuchway,twocenturies
before,theraggedpoorwouldgototheFrenchroyalpalacestoseethe
kingdineorgetreadyforbed.And,indeed,alittleliketheking,the
writertookhispositiontoomuchforgrantedthecelebrity,thetalent.
HebegantofeelcrampedbyhisjobintheBritishMuseum.Hegaveit
upandretiredtothecountryandsethimselfupasafulltimewriter.His
writingchanged.Henolongerhadaworldunderhisgaze.His
imaginationbecamestarved.Hiswritingbecameoverblown.Thegreat
books,whichwouldhavekeptthegoodearlybooksalive,nevercame.
Hediedpenniless.Hisbookshavevanished.Icouldseethiswriters
predicamentveryclearly.ButIcouldntseemyown.
AndthesamecouldbesaidofMarian.Shehadneverseenthepossibility
ofsolitudeinLondon.Shehadneverseenthattherewasonlysomuchof
adaythatcouldbespentlookingattheshops.Shehadneverimagined
thatTurnhamGreen,ofthebeautiful,verdantname,couldbecomea
prison.Shebegantolongforwhatshehadleftbehind.Shebecame

irritable.Iwasstillalwaysgladtogetawayfromher,butnowtherewas
nointensity,nosexualfatigue.Ourtimetogetherbecamepointless.We
couldseeeachotherveryclearly,andwedidntlikewhatwesaw.Soit
wouldnthavematteredifIdidassheendlesslyasked,andspentmore
timewithher;thatreallywasntwhatshewanted.Shewantedtogoback
home.Shewantedheroldfriends.Shewaslikethosepeoplewhoretire
toaplacewheretheyhaveholidayed,andinthisholidayplacebecome
franticwithboredomandsolitude.
Itwouldhavebeenbetterif,likeMariansmotherorlikemanyof
Mariansfriends,Ihadmadeacleanbreak.ButIdidnthavethe
courageorthebrutality.Itwasntinmynatureorupbringing.Ihungon,
attemptingreconciliationsthatwereempty,andintheprocesskilling
everylastpossibilityofrenewedpassion,sincethesexualdeliriumthat
hadalteredtheotherpersonformesimplywasnttherenow,andIsaw
theotherpersonplain.
ItwasinthismoodthatIintroducedMariantothefriendandlegal
colleaguewholivedinTurnhamGreen.Iwashopingtoberidofher,
andthatwashowitworkedout.Hedangledbeautifulnewnamesand
oldromanticideasbeforeher:Paris,theSouthofFrance.Andoutof
thatsocialgreedwhichIhadknownandlovedforsolongsheranto
him.SoIwasfreeofher,butatthesametimeIknewthemostpainful
kindofjealousy.IdidtheworkIhadtodo,butmyheadwasfullof
sexualpicturesfromthetimeofmypassion,thepassionwhichwasnow
beyondme.Iimaginedherwords.Ineverthoughtitwaspossibleto
suffersomuch.