Fiction October 4, 2010 Issue

The Dungeon Master

BY SAM LIPSYTE

TheDungeonMasterhasdetention.Wewaitathishousebythecounty
road.TheDungeonMasterslittlebrotherMarcoputsoutcornchipsand
orangesoda.
Marcoisapaladin.HefightsforthegloryofChrist.Marcohasbeen
manypaladinssincewinterbreak.TheyareallnamedValentine,andthe
DungeonMastermakescertaintheydiewiththeleastpossibleamountof
dignity.
Itspainfulenoughwhenherollsthedice,announcesthatadrunkenorc
hasunspooledsomeValentinesgutsforsport.Worsearethesilly
accidents.OneValentinetrippedonafloorplankandcrackedhishead
onameadbucket.Hediedoftraumainthestable.
Takeit!theDungeonMastersaidthattime.Spitsprayedoverthetop
ofhislaminatedscreen.Eatyourfate,hesaid.Yourthreadjustgot
thesnippo!
TheDungeonMasterhasasecretlanguagethatwedontquite
understand.Theysayhesbeentreatedforit.
WhenevertheDungeonMasterkillsanotherValentine,Marcorunsoff
andcriestotheirfather.Dr.Varellinudgeshissonbackintothestudy,
stickshisbushyheadinthedoor,says,Playnice,mybeautiful
puppies.

Father,theDungeonMasterwillsay,staythefuckoutofmymind
realm.
Ihonoryourwish,mybeauty.
Dr.Varellisaysthingslikethat.Itsnotasecretlanguage,justan
embarrassingone.Maybethatswhyhiswifelefthim,leftMarcoandthe
DungeonMaster,too.Itsnotadecentreasontoleave,butasthe
DungeonMasterhopestoteachus,theworldisnotadecentplaceto
live.
Nowwesit,munchchips.
Iftheydidntsaycorn,Iwouldntthinkofthemascorn,Brendansays.
Hesathirdlevelwizard.
Detention?Cherninskysays,andstands,squats,stands,sits.Hesgot
blackbangsandfreckles,suffersfromthatdiseasewhereyoucantstay
inyourchair.
HechuckedaspazinSpanish,Isay.Iheardoneoftheseniors.
Theteacherrideshim,Marcosays.MarcodespisestheDungeon
Masterbutloveshisbrother.IlikeMarco,butImnofanofValentine.
Imathirdlevelranger.Ifightforthegloryofme.
Thedoorsmacksopen.

Ah,thedoomed.TheDungeonMasterstridespastus,shortandpasty
withafinebrownbeard.
Hesitsbehindhisscreen,whichhesorderedusnevertotouch.We
neverdo,notevenwhenhesatdetention.Heshufflessomepapershis
mapsandgrids.Diceclickinhisstubbyhand.Behindhim,onthewall,
hangDr.Varellisdiplomas.Thediplomassaythathesachild
psychiatrist,butheneverbringspatientshere,andImnotsureheever
leavesthehouse.
Whenlastwemet,theDungeonMasterbegins,Olafthethiefhad
beencaughtstealingaloafofpumpernickelfromthevillagebakery.A
halflingbakersboyhadcorneredourfriendwithabreadknife.Readyto
roll?
Idontwanttodiethisway,Cherninskysays.
Cherninskyalwaysdiesthiswaywealldoordieofsomethinglikeit,
butheseemsprettydesperatethisafternoon.Maybehesthinkingof
peoplewhoreallyhavedied,likehisbabysister.Shedrownedinthe
ocean.Nobodyevermentionsit.
Thissituationbegsthequestion,theDungeonMastersays,andsips
fromacanofstrawberrymilk.Isbreadthestaffoflifeorthestaffof
death?
Whatdoesthatmean?Cherninskyasks.
Readmore,theDungeonMastersays.Enrichyourself.

Weallread,Brendansays.
Imeanbooks,theDungeonMastersays.Icantbelieveyourea
wizard.
Dontkillmeinabakery,Cherninskysays.
Dontstealbread.
Whatdoyouwant?Imathief.
Roll.
Cherninskyrolls,dies,hopsoutofhischair.
Sowhydyougetdetention?hesays.
WhendidIgetdetention?
Today,Isay.Yougotittoday.
TheDungeonMasterpeersatmeoverhisscreen.
Today,boldranger,Iwatchedasadlittlepickpocketbleedoutona
bakeryfloor.Thatstheonlythingthathashappenedtoday.Getit?
Gotit,Isay.

Iknowthatheisstrangeandnotassmartashepretends,butatleasthe
keepsthebordersofhismindrealmwellpatrolled.Thatmustcountfor
something.
Now,theDungeonMastersays,anyofyoufeebswanttotakeonthe
twerpwiththekitchenutensil?Orwouldyouratherconsideraback
alleyescape?
Backalleyescape,Marcosays.
ValentinetheTwentyseventh?theDungeonMastersays.
Twentyninth.
Dontgettooattached,brother.
Thereareotherkids,othercampaigns.Theyhavewhatteacherscall
imaginations.Someofthemareingifted.Theyplayintheofficialafter
schoolclub.
Ivegotaseventeenthlevelelfwizard,Erictellsmeinourfreshman
homeroom.ShefliesadragonnamedGreenStar.Wefoughtanarmyof
frostgiantslastweek.Whataboutyou?
Weneverevenseeadragon,letaloneflyone.Youhaveagirl
character?
Youplaywiththatpsychosenior,whatshisface.
TheDungeonMaster,Isay.

Hecallshimselfthat?Likeitshisname?
Hedoesntcallhimselfanything.
Iheardthatwhenhewaslittlehehitsomekidwithanaluminumbat.
Gavehimbraindamage.
Completelymadeup,Isay,thoughImprettysureitstrue.Hesvery
smart.
Hesnotingifted,Ericsays.
NeitheramI.
Goodpoint,Ericsays,andturnstotalktoLucyMantooth.
Mostdaysweplayuntilwereduehomefordinner.Butsometimes,if
wecallourhousesforpermission,Dr.Varellicooksforushamburgers,
spaghettiand,ifitsnotaschoolnight,wesleepover.Inthemorning
itspancakes,bacon,eggs,toast.
Eat,eat,mypuppies.
Wepuppieseatinthestudy.Sincewediesooften,wetakebreakswhile
oneofusmakesanewcharacter.
Oneday,whileMarcorollsValentinetheThirtysecondintobeing,I
wanderouttotheparlor.Dr.Varellisitsonthedivanwithashiny
woodenguitar.Hisfingersflutteroverthestrings,andhesings
somethinghighandweepy.Hestops,looksup.

ItsanItalianballad.Thereisshameinhisvoice,butitsnotaboutthe
song.
Ifollowhisgazetoanoldphotographonthewall.Ayoungwoman
posesbesideafountain.Pigeonsswoopoffitsstonerim.Marcoonce
toldmethatthiswomanishismother.
Sobeautiful,Isay.
Ofcourse,Dr.Varellisays.Romeisabeautifulcity.
Later,wegatherinthestudyforanewadventure.Ourcharacters
rendezvousataninncalledtheJaundicedChimera.Wevealldiedhere
before,inbrawlsanddaggerduels,ofpoisonedale,orevenjustof
infectionsborneonunwashedsteins.ButtheDungeonMasterinsiststhe
placehasthebestshepherdspiethissideoftheFlameLakes.
Webefriendablindman.Cherninskystealshissilver,butthepoorsap
doesntnotice,sowebefriendhimsomemore.Hetellsusofacavenear
thetopofMt.TotalWoe,ofadragoninthecave,andahoardbeneath
thedragon.
Soundsdangerous,Marcosays.
Thatsthepoint,Isay.
Itsatoughdecision,Brendansays.IbarelyknowBrendan.Hemet
Marcoatswimclassorsomething.Hesnice,forthemostpart,andkind
ofdim.Whereverhegoestoschool,Idoubtpeoplenoticehimenoughto
bullyhim.

NottrueofCherninsky.Hemakesahabitofaskingforit,thoughsome
tormentorshangback.Theressomethingferalanduntutoredabouthis
schoolyardways.Yousensethathemighttakeabullyspunchestothe
death.Hesthekidpeoplewhisperhasnomotherorfatherathome,but
ofcoursehedoes,theyrejustoldandstoppedraisinghimyearsago,
maybewhenhissisterdrowned.Healwaysplaysathief,andeven
outsideofthegame,whenhesjustCherninsky,hestealsstufffromthe
storesonMain.HeandtheDungeonMasterarenotsodifferent,orthis
townhurtsthemthesame,whichisprobablywhytheysometimeshate
eachother.
Damnit,Brendan,Cherninskysaysnow.Atoughdecision?Isaywe
gotothatcaveandgetthegold.Andthenwegetwenches.
Wenches?Brendansays.
Tarts,Cherninskysays.Elfbeaver.
Itsallacharade,becausethereisnodecision.Thereisnoalternative.
WeshallscaleMt.TotalWoeordietrying.Mostlikelythelatter.
Weregoingtogreasethatdragon,Isay.
Grease?Brendansays.
Vietnam,Isay.
Oh,right.

ButnowtheDungeonMasterhasamysteriousappointment,whichDr.
Varellileansintoremindhisbeautifulpuppyof,andthegameadjourns.
CherninskyandIheadhome.Soonwerenearthereservoir,andwe
squishourselvesunderthefence.Westumbledownarockembankment
andstartthrowingthingsintothewater,whateverwecanfindrocks,
bottles,oldtoys,partsofcars.Weveallgrownupdoingthis.Iguessits
ourchildpsychiatry.
Cherninskydragsashreddedtiretowardtheshoreline.Hewavesoffmy
offertohelp.
Sowhatsyouropinion?heasks.ThinkthisMt.Woethingisgoing
tobeanydifferent?
Thetirewobblesinthewater,thenpitchesoverwithasplash.Iwhipa
golfballatitstreads.
Maybe,Isay.Itcouldbe.
SaddestthingishowMarcoandBrendanaresoscaredofdying.Its
justagame,buthesplayingwiththeirminds.HesbeentoBergen
Pines.Didyouknowthat?Certifiedmental.Imquittingsoon.This
gameisfordorks,gaylords,andpsychos,nooffense.
Nonetaken,Ilie.
Cherninskyclapsmyneck.
Wanttosmokeweed?

Nothanks.
Wanttowatchmyneighbortakeashower?Sheusuallydoesitaround
now.Shetakescareofherselfinthere.
Whatdoyoumean?
YouknowwhatImean.Oh,forgetit.Youwanttostartaband?Ihave
alltheequipment.
Wheredyougettheequipment?
Dontworryaboutthat.Wedneedaname.
HowaboutElfBeaver?
Thatsprettystupid,Cherninskysays.Thefactthatyouthoughtof
thatcouldbeasignyoureanimrod.Helpmewiththisothertire.
WeeatleftoverLondonbroilfrommymotherslastcateringjob.My
father,homefromhumanresources,hashishomefromworkworkshirt
on.Heslicescucumbersforthecucumbersalad,hisspecialty,whilemy
motherpullsatrayfromthestove.Upstairs,mysistersqueals.Shesall
phonecallsandbaggysweaters.
Todaymyrangernearlygotthesnippo.Agiantwarthogjumpedhimin
thewoods.Isthereevenawarthoginthegamemanual?Myrangerhis
nameisValium,justtoteaseMarcocutthebeastdown,butlostalotof
hitpoints.EvennowIcanpicturehimbentoverabrook,cuppingwater

ontohiswounds.Later,herestsintheshadeofanoak.Thewarthog
cracklesonaspit.
Howsitgoingoverthere?mymotherasks.
Here?Isay.Great.
Awesome,mysistersays,joiningus.Deadcow.Isthereanything
veggie?
Cucumbersalad,myfathersays.
Waytoexperimentwithnewdishes,Dad.
Waytoemploysarcasm,myfathersays.
Nothere,mymothersays.There.
Where?Isay.
TheVarellihouse.
Itsgoingfine,Isay.
Isitfun?mymotherasks.Iwantyoutohavefun,youknow.
Yeah,itsfun,Iguess.
Mymothergivesmyfatheroneofthosemeaningfullookswhichmean
nothingtomeyet.

What?Isay.
TheVarellikid,mysistersays.Isnthetheonewhoflashedthose
girlsattheicerink.Andsethisturdsonfireintheschoolparkinglot?
Thatwasalongtimeago,Isay.
Itwaskindofcool,mysistersays.Inasickoway.
PoorVarelli,myfathersays.Hiswife.
Thatsthethingaboutit,mymothersays.
Thethingaboutwhat?Isay.
Myfatherturnstomysisterandmeasthoughhehadsomethingtosay
buthasforgottenitandisnowtryingtocomeupwithsomethingelse.
Iputsomethingspecialinthecucumbersalad.Canyoutasteit?
Veal?mysisterasks.
Ivegotnothingagainstyouhavingfunandusingyourimagination,
mymothersays.Butitsjusttoocrucialatimeinyourlifetoget
sidetrackedwithgames.Theywritethosearticles.Andthisonesalittle
creepy.Theywritearticlesaboutthat,too.
Mygradesaregood,Isay.

Itsmiddletrack,honey.Ofcourseyourgradesaregood.Butwere
tryingnottobemiddletrackpeople.
Later,myfatherandIdothedishes,scourthepansourpans,the
cateringpans.
Dontworry,hesays.EverythingwillbeO.K.
Maybehesthatguyattheoffice,toothereassurancedispenser,the
diplomat.Themiddlemanwiththemiddletrackson.
Areyouguysgettingadivorce?Iaskfornoreason.
Funnyyoushouldsaythat.
Myfatherinspectsthesudsyplatterinhisglovedhand.
Yes,hesaysfinally,wearegettingadivorce.
Istandthereforastunnedmoment,andthenhisweirdchirpylaughkicks
in.
Gotcha!
Hemustbethehumanresourcesjokesteraswell,thoughmaybeIhadit
coming.Nowhegetsserious.Mymotherscateringgigsaredryingup,
andtheraisehewascountingonhasfallenthrough.
MysisterandIwillhavetofindafterschooljobsifwemeantokeep
ourselvesincandyandmoviesandrockandroll,hesays.

Theresstillsometime,headds.Enjoyyourgame.Werejustsaying
youmightwanttofindsomebetterthingstodowhileyoucan.Youre
goingtobeplentybusy.
Idontreallyhavebetterthingstodo.IcoulddowhatIdidbeforeI
startedgoingtotheVarellis.Icouldcomehomeandeattoomuch
peanutbutterandhideinmyroom.Icouldlieinbedandthinkabout
LucyMantooth,strokeabatchoff,napuntildinnertime.Icouldwatch
TVandfakedoingmyhomework.ButImnotsurethatthosearebetter
things.
WetramppastthetreelineofMt.TotalWoe,reachastonyridge
shroudedinmist.Wehearoddbleatsonthewind,andourweaponsare
wetwiththebloodofminorbeastsweveslainalongthetrail.Deathbirds
squawkoverhead.ValentinetheWhateverscanstherockfacefor
possiblepointsofingress.
Itshardtoseefarinthemist.
Icouldweaveaspelltoclearit,Brendansays.
Whatifthegoatsareshapeshifters?Cherninskysays.
Whatgoats?Brendanasks.
Thosearegoats.Onlygoatsbleat.
Sheepbleat,Marcosays.

Andanyway,Cherninskysays.Whyshouldwebelievethatblindguy
attheinn?
Ithinkhewaschaoticgood,Isay.Irecognizemyownkind.
Imsureyoudo,Marcosays.
Marcoscharacterislawfulgood.Itmakesforwhatyoudcall
personalityclashes.Buttodaysgameistoogoodtowastebickering.We
smitethefangedandscaly,stalktheuntoldrichestheblindmandid,in
fact,tellusabout.Meanwhile,norunawayoxcartsmearsusintothe
road.Wearenotnippedbyrabidsquirrels.Wedonotsuccumbslowly,
likeoneearlyValentine,torectalcancer.Thismustbewhattheofficial
afterschoolgameislikegiftedchildrendreamingupsplendors,not
middletrackerssquirmingbeneathanutsosmoods.
WhathascomeovertheDungeonMaster?Heseemsalmosthappy
behindhisscreen.
Brendansspellworks,hesays.Themistisclearing.Aboutahundred
yardsclosertothetopyoucanseeanoutcroppingandthemouthofa
cave.Guarded,yes,bygoats.
Weregoingintothatmountain,Isay.Icantbelieveweregoinginto
thatmountain.Letsstovesomeheads.
Andgetthegold,Cherninskysays.
Stove?Brendansays.

Hereads,theDungeonMastersays,andshootsmeagrinsorareitsa
benediction.IdecidenottotellhimthatIstolestovefromawhaling
movie.
Nowwereatthecavemouth.Thegoatssingtheirgoatsongsandpartat
ourapproach.Valentinetakesaprayerfulknee.
Enough,Cherninskysays.YoucanrimChristonthewayout.
Infidel,Marcosays.
Imahumanist,Cherninskysays.
Isthatlikehumanresources?Iask.
Maybe.
O.K.,Isay.Letsgointothefuckingcave.
Wegointothefuckingcave.Itsdarkandwelighttorches,listeningto
batsflapoff.Wehunchandshufflethroughthetunnelmaze.Putrid
fiendslurkateverydeadend.Thatshowyouknowitsadeadend:
somethingthatsmellslikerottensausagepopsupandclawsatyour
eyeballs.Thisiswhatwealwayswanted:thetopshelfmonsters,hydras
andgriffins,basilisks,giantworms.Thethiefandthewizardsettraps
anddecoys,castspellsofmisdirection.ValentineandValium,that
suddenlyferociousduo,berserkrightinwithmorningstarsandswords
ofdwarvensteel.Webashandslice.Monstersfallinquivering,sushi
likechunks.

TheDungeonMaster,healmostrootsforus.Heletseachsituation
develop,refrainsfromhisdirelessons,hismurderousintrusions.Were
steepedinthedire.Wewanttostabbeasts.
Weturnagranitecorner,andthere,loandbehold,webeholdhim.The
dragonlounges,obscenely,atopagreatapronofstone,hisvermillion
scalesablaze.Rainbowflamessnakefromhisnostrilswitheachdozy
breath.Heregardsusthroughtheslitsofhisslimyambereyes.
Thedragonstreasurespillsoutfrombeneathhimgold,silver,rubies,
jade.Justwhatsheapedaroundourfeetatthethresholdofthechamber
isaprincelysum.
Letstakethat,Cherninskysays.
Takewhat?Marcoasks
Whatsaroundourfeet.Justscoopitupandrun.
Notfightthedragon?theDungeonMasterasks.
Ilikeit,Brendansays.Thatsstrategy.
Thedragoncouldreallykillthehelloutofus,Marco,whowillnever
learn,explains.
No,letsfightthedragon,Isay,andtheDungeonMasternods.Its
partofthegame.Maybewecantamehimandridehim.
Ridehim?Cherninskysays.Areyououtofyourmind?

Peopledoit.
Itwouldbecool,Brendansays.
Igotonethingtosay,Cherninskydeclares,outofhischairnowand
pacing.Imnotgoingtodiehere.
Takeachance,Isay.Otherwiseitsjustboring.Youretheonewho
saidweshouldntbeafraidtodie.
WhendidIsaythat?
Downatthereservoir.
Thereservoir,theDungeonMastersays.Youguystalkaboutthe
campaigndownthere?Yousuckeachotherslittlebirddicksandtalk
tactics?
Yeah,Cherninskysays.WediditBergenPinesstyle.
Guys,Isay.Stopit.Comeon.Letsdecideaboutthedragon.You
reallywanttobail?
Bettersafethansorry,Marcosays.
Isthatanoldpaladinsaying?
Youreoutvoted,Cherninskysaystome.
Fine.

O.K.,CherninskysaystotheDungeonMaster.Welljustscoopup
whatsnearourfeetandnotrilethedragon.Canyourollfornotriling
thedragon?
Sureyouwanttodothis?theDungeonMasterasks.Thismoment
mightnevercomeagain.
Weresure.
Listen,theDungeonMastersays.IknowIvebeenhardonallofyou.
Iwanttobemoreeasygoingfromnowon.Iwantyoutohavefun.
Thisisfun,Brendansays.Really.Thankyou.Thisissoexciting.But
Ithinkrightnowweshouldjustgrabalittlegoldandleavethecave.
Thisispathetic,Isay.Itsweenis.
Youdontknowanythingaboutrealviolence,Brendansays.
What?
Youheard.
Itsadragon,man!
InoticeCherninskyslideascrapofpaperovertotheDungeonMaster.
TheDungeonMasterdropsdiceinhisleathercup,theonereservedfor
themostfatefulrolls.Thedicethumponthedeskblotter.
Considerthedragonofficiallyriled.

No,Brendansays.No,no.
Getthegold!Cherninskysays.
Idrawmytwohandedswordandbrandishitatthedragonwhilethe
othersshoveltreasureandflee.
Comeon!theycall.
Go,Isay.Illcatchup.Ivegotasuddencravingfordragonburgers.
AsmilewaversontheDungeonMastersface.BecauseIambrave,I
realize,hewillspareme.
Ichargethedragon,leapwithmyswordforhisthroat.Rainbowflames
pourovermymagicchainmail.
TheDungeonMasterflickshiseyesatmyroll.
Youredead.Deepfried.
Huh?
Acravingfordragonburgers?Youthinkyoureinamovie?
No,Isay.Agame.AndIhavemagicchainmail.
Bogusmagicchainmail,theDungeonMastersays.Youboughtitoff
thatwinomonk.

ItsheldupO.K.untilnow.
Youthoughtyoucouldkilladragon?Sorry,myfriend.Longmaywe
honorthememoryofValium.
Thisisbullshit.
Bullshit?theDungeonMastersays.Heswoundup.Hereallyisnt
thatwell.Itsnotbullshit.Itsprobability.What,yougonnakwy?You
gonnakwylikemylittlebrutha?Lifeisnasty,brutish,and,moretothe
point,itsucks.Getit,birddick?Howsyourtwohandedbirddick
now?
ItsO.K.,Isay.
Theremainderofthegroupmakesitoutofthemountainmaze,butthe
goatsturnouttobeshapeshifters,justasCherninskywarned.They
transformintoogreswithhugespikedmaces.Itshardlyafight.Before
hedies,Cherninskysthiefdoesmanagetostickanogrewithhisdirk.
Theogreturnsbackintoagoat,thenintoCherninskysdeadsister,
drenched,drapedinseaweed.
Justalittlegirl,theDungeonMastersays.
Youfreak,Isay.
Cherninskysgothispenout,andIthinkhesabouttogoforthe
DungeonMastersneck,butthenhestartstobawl.
Cryitout,sweetheart,theDungeonMastersays.

Leavehimalone,Isay.
Thisdoesntconcernyou,theDungeonMastersays.Justbackoff.
Youhavenoclue.
O.K.,Marcosays.ItllbeO.K.
Hesoundslikemyfather.
Thehellitwill,theDungeonMastersays.
TheDungeonMasterholdsupthenoteCherninskypassedhim.
Waittillyouhearthis,hesays.Yourpalwasplanningtosteal
everybodysgold.Hewantedmetorollforit.
Hesathief,Isay.
Goahead,defendhim.
Iam.
Brendanfreezesinhischair.Cherninskykeepsweeping.Marcobobsup
anddown,mumblesaprayerofO.K.
Istand,whackthescreenofftheDungeonMastersdesk,seethedice,
thesheetsofgraphpaper,themanualsandnumericaltables.Thereare
doodlesontheblotter.Giantvaginaswithangelwings,mostly.They
soarthroughballpointclouds.

Isaidnevertouchthescreen,theDungeonMasterhisses.
AndIsaydontflashgirlsyouwillneverhaveattheicerink.Dontset
firetoyourshitsintheparkinglot.Youreamentalcase.Theyshould
havekeptyoulockedup.
TheDungeonMastercomesaroundthedeskandIthinkhesaboutto
makeaspeech,buthelowershisheadandspearsmeinthegut.Wecrash
togethertothefloor.Hesqueezesmythroat.Ipalmhischinandpush.
Marcoscreams,andImalmostoutofairwhenBrendanclimbsthe
DungeonMastersbackandbiteshishead.Theybothtumbleaway.The
doorbangsopenandDr.Varellileansin.
Playnice,yougoddampuppies!hebellows,thenshutsthedoor.
Weliethere,heaving.Mywristthrobs.Ismellraspberrysodainthe
carpet.
TheDungeonMasterpawsatthebloodonhishead.Brendanrubshis
tooth.
Youchildren,theDungeonMastersays,thenrises,andlumbersoff.
Wehearhimscreamathisfatherinthekitchen.Hecallshimaloser,a
lesbian.
Itsbeenalittledifficultaroundhere,Marcosays.
Icrawlovertothewindow.Inthenextyard,somekidskickaball.It
looksamazing.

Mybrokenwristtakesalongtimetoheal.IstayclearoftheVarelli
house,andatschoolonlyEricsignsmycast.Heputshisinitialsonit,as
thoughhisfullnamewouldannouncetooheavyanassociation.Thedeal
isthatIdonthavetogetajobuntilthecastcomesoff.
Ijointheafterschoolclub,rollarangercalledValiumtheSecond,but
nobodythinksitsfunny.Whywouldthey?LucyMantoothplaysa
wizardthief.Itsclearthatshedoesntwantmeintheclub.
Ericlivesnearme,andsometimeswewalkpartofthewayhome
together.HelikestocutthroughsometreesonapathneartheVarellis
house,andIdontsayanything.OnedayweseetheDungeonMasters
Corvetteinthedriveway.Hisfatherboughtitforhimlastyear,butthe
DungeonMasterhasneverdrivenit.Hedoesntevenhavealicense.
Youlikeourgamesofar?Ericasks.
Itscool.
Itiscool,despitethedeathstaresfromLucyMantooth.Weflydragons,
battlegiants,buildcastles,raisearmiesandfamiliesandcrops.But
somethingismissing.Nogoblinchildwillshankyouforyourcoin
pouch.Youllneverdiefromabadpotato.
IthinkLucylikesyou,Ericsays.
Whatsthegiveaway?Thefactthatshenevertalkstomeorthatshe
rollshereyeswheneverIsayanything?
Both.

IguessIdontknowmuchaboutgirls.
Youlllearn,Ericsays.Youvebeenhangingoutwiththose
weirdos.
Everythingsweirdifyoustareatit,Isay.
Idontknowaboutthat,Ericsays.Weresponsoredbytheschool,
justlikethechessteam.
IgetboredwithEricsgame.LucyMantoothneverwarmsup.Her
wizardthiefleavesmefordeadinacollapsingwormhole.Wasthere
somethingIwassupposedtosay?Iresumemyoldroutine:peanut
butter,batch,nap.
OnedayImheadedhometodojustthat.Asportscarpullsuptothe
sidewalk,amidnightblueCorvette.
Needaride?theDungeonMasterasks.
Idont,butslideinanyway.IveneverbeeninaCorvette.
Wedrivearoundtownforawhile,pastmyschool,thehobbyshop.
Thoughtyoudidnthavealicense,Isay.
WhosaidIdo?
TheDungeonMastersmiles.

Therearerumorsandthereisthetruthandtherearetruerumors.You
wanttherundown?heasks.Herestherundown.Hitakidwithabat
andgavehimbraindamage,yes.Flashing,yes.Burningmybowel
movements,no.HaveIbeentothebughouse?Ivebeentothebughouse.
AmIinsane?Doesmyopinionevencount?Rememberallthenewspaper
storiesabouthowthegamemakeskidscrazy?Makesthemdohorrible
things?
Mymomclipsthemforme.
Lovethose.Take,forexample,suicides.Thegamedoesntcreate
suicides.Ifanything,itpostponesthem.Imean,theworldgivesyou
manyreasonstosnuffit,gottoadmit.
Imfourteen,Isay.IdontknowwhatIadmit.
Inanotherageyoucouldbeafatheralready.Inanotherneighborhood,
even.
Wedriveforawhile.Wereafewtownseast.
Nobodysseenyoulately,theDungeonMastersays.Marcosaysyou
playwithsomesnottyfaggotsatschool.
Istopped.
YouhearaboutCherninsky?Hegotcaughtwithallthisstolenmusical
stuffinhisgarage.Ampsandguitarsanddrums,thewholedeal.Triedto
dumpitinthereservoir,butthecopsgotmostofit.Nowhisdadmight
gotojail.

Hisdad?Isay.
Harsh,right?Anyway,wereintowargamingnow.Realtechnicalshit.
Itsnotthesame.Brendancanbarelyhandleit.WeredoingTobruk.Im
Rommel.
TheDesertFox.
Youread,theDungeonMastersays,thoughIpickedupthenamefrom
anoldtankmovie.ThatswhatIlikeaboutyou.ThatswhyIthoughtI
couldteachyou.
Teachmewhat?
Wepullintoasceniclookout,thePalisades.Pastthebushesinfrontof
usthecliffdropssheertosomerocksintheHudson.TheCorvetteidles,
andIwonderifImadeamistakewhenIacceptedthisride.TheDungeon
Masterlooksoffacrosstheriverasthoughreadytojumpit.
Teachmewhat?Iask.
TheDungeonMastergunstheengine.Iturntohimthatpaleskin,the
finespunbeard,thebright,bittereyes.
Teachmewhat?
Hisanswerisanotherrev.Hisfingersdrumonthegearknob.Were
goingtoflyadragon,afterall.Partofmeisready.Maybeitsthepart
thatkeptmeinDr.Varellisstudysolong.

Whoa,theDungeonMasterlaughs.Youreshaking.
Heshiftsintoreverseandswingsthecararound.Soonwerebackon
townstreets.
Hadyoushitting,hesays.
Youdid.
Imdoingthatforrealatsomepoint.
Oh,Isay.
Butnotforawhile.
Thatsgood.
Mydadskickingmeoutaftergraduation.Ithinkitllbebetterfor
Marco.Thatkidneedstobloom.
Wherewillyougo?Yourmomshouse?
Mymomdoesnthaveahouse.ShediedwhenMarcowasborn.
Really?Imsorry.Ifiguredshejustleft.
Well,guessthatstrueinaway.No,IvegotacousininCanada.We
mightroomtogether.
Thatllbecool.

Probablynot.Hereweare.
O.K.,Isay.Thanksforthelift.
YouwerealmosthomewhenIpickedyouup.
Still,thanks.
ImcuttingacrosstheyardwhentheDungeonMastercallsmyname.
Nohardfeelings,O.K.?hesays.
Istop,picturinghimtherebehindmewithhisridiculousheadsticking
outofthepassengersidewindow,butIcannotturnaround.Imstill
tremblingfromourdrive.DoIhaveanalmostuncannysenseinthis
instantofwhatstocome,somecoldswirlingvisionwhoseprovenanceI
donotcomprehendbutinwhichIseetheDungeonMaster,blue
cheeked,hangingbyhisCommuniontieinDr.Varellisstudy,and
Cherninsky,hisdadinprison,panhandlingwiththescrawnypunks,the
pinstuckrunawaysinAlphabetCity,andme,BurgerCastleemployeeof
themonthforthemonthofOctober,degunkingthefryolatorinthe
lateautumnlight?
OfcourseIdont.
Really,theDungeonMastercallsagain.Nohardfeelings.
Itmustbethedumbestthingheseversaid.Nohardfeelings?What
couldeverbeharderthanfeelings?

Iwanttotellhimthis,butevenasIturnbacktheCorvettepeelsaway.