"MeeeI

I
Ihink Kitty Kelley's Moan?

Her

June 1991 Volume 5 Number B

INSIDE ¡HE PUMPEDUP, I

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 June 1991 Contents

\\ ;' 'i

Depaiiìiills
'/./ \;' GREAT EXPECTATIONS

NAKED CTV
Gcorge Bush, jokester; inside the I Icnson-Disncy feud; Liz Srniths sticky fingers. Laurie
Anderson eXj)Iaifls hcrselí to eight-year-olds. Exclusive slashings from Anierican Psycho! An interview
wich Britain's newest and teeniest Yankee cxpat. Saddam Hussein's
Ancrican moles. Plus: did Corporal Agarn die for our sins? ................ Q I
,;-
PARTYPOOP ......................
THECOVER
Arnold Schwarzenegçjir
photographed by Steve FatllIs
GranitzRETNA Ltd.
'PRESIDENT MITrERAND ON LINE Two, MR. GooFy"
Senators with star power, no litter, a huge budget surplus, and
(laity parades and fireworkssay, what if we skipped elections and simply
contracted the U.S. OVetnincflt OUt tO Disney JAMJIi MALANOWSKI looks
at an /\lnerlca where the monorails run on time ..................................
Do UNTO OTHERS BEFORE MARrY DAVIS DOES IT TO You
Temperamental, semiliterate, obsessed with "class ... I)ìck Snyder transformed Simon &
Schuster from a cheesy, comiììercial second-string publishing house into a cheesy, commercial first-
string pUhliShifl). house. L-le has authors I ike Ronald Reagan and Kitty Kelley an(lthe
daisPhilip Roth. Too bad somebody meaner, smarter aoci much more powerful than
Snyder is so mad at him. ADAM Bli;LEY reports ..................................
THE GEEKS WHO WOULD BE SCHWARZENEGGER
To tWO aging weight-lifting entrepreneurs and OflC middle-aged
multimillionaire pro-wrestling Jromotcr, the world of hyperdeveloped men slathcred in bab
oil is serious scuff. IRVIN MucliNicK does play-by-play on tile turf war that's raging as the ß
Peddlers WhO manufactured Schwarzenegger and Hulk I logan fight ftr TV contracts and ki
allowances..........................................................................................

HAMMERED AND SicKo

1'he reform fad lasted only an instant; ANNE WILLIAMSON was in MOSCOW the (lay i..
She examines the sick Russian soul: the heer-'n-bug-spray cocktails, geriatric PrOStitutes, (;tilag-
style rehab and big-studio movie crews unwittingly on location in the
thirteenth century ...............................................

CUhilhlIls

LAUREEN Houts on the macho man of 60 Minutes in The Webs;

CEIJA l3!.\L' on The Industry's horrible little secret; J. J. HUNSECKFR discovers
The Times n the throes ofspring fever ................. Q
JOHN CONNOLLY in'cstigates a casino-cocaine connection in Business; HUMPHREY
(;R1nDoN discovers there'll always he an Anglophile in Review of Reviewers; Ro BI.o1:Nr JR. finds
that Johnny Carson is a lot like Teddy Roosevelt in Life in These United States; and RUSTY UNGER
gets the shopgirls' lowdown ou l3ergdorf's in Fashion .......................... -

THESPYINDEX ...................

OVAL OFFICE DIARY

More notes toward a nonfiction novel, dictated by George
Bush and transcribed by GL0Rc.E KALo;ER,KIs ..................................

spy OSSN 0890- I 759) is puhlishcd nonthIy. excpt jiisuary and July. 1.}91 by SPY Corporation. Thc SPY building. ) Union .Squarc West. New York,
N.Y. 10003. Submissions: Senil wicis SASE so smc address. For .sdvcrdsjii5 a1ec, caii 2I2-633-(5O. Second-class postage paid a New York. N.Y., and
additional mailing othces. Annual ubscripion r.nes: U.S. and possessions, $14.75; Canada. US$25; foreign US$35. Poscmasrr: Send address
changes (o SPY. P.O. Box 57397, BoulderCO 80321.7397. For subscription information, call 1-800-333.8128. a6 Member, Audit Bureau olCirculacions.
,- 01 I«ÌI4vt)

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Gieat Exp&tations
IN JUNE, LIFE IMPROVES, ALMOST WITHOUT FAIL.
IT'S NOT QUITE Ti-lE
PURE YELP OF LIB-
cration that accompanied
the last day of classes in
grade school , or that
sense of giddy, terrified
anticipation as the count-
down to swim meets and
summer camp hean, but
J une is still as delicious
as our attenuated adult
lives regularly get. Sum-
mer begins, and we feel
vaguely Italianem-
ployeci, sure, but charmingly feckless, the usual button-down
anxiety leavened by a bit of irresponsibility; ,
willing ro take a drive up north, or stay
awake past I :00, or have another any-
thing. Get some sun in our skin and a lit-
tie topsoil on our hands, and suddenly we feel
like Kevin Costner. Well . maybe Jeff
. .

Bridges. Okay, Beau Bridges. Ah, the

sun in OU skin. It wasn't our imaginationwe
really have beCO tann i ng fistcr, the EPA floW

H JUHO, lito lifiPtO VOS

leads us to believe, thanks to the quickening destruction of
the ozone layer. So things are, environmentally, much worse
than we'd imagined? Not exactly: a new British study pooh-
1)OOhS the possibility of any long-term, widespread damage
from the Kuwaiti oìl-well fires. So things are much better than
WC'(l imagined!? Not exactly: the damage from the oil spilled

by the EXXOn Vi/ciez off Alaska will, it turns out, be more seri-
'
OUS than previously thought. Sc) things arc, overall, not
horrible but a little worse than we'd imagined? That depends
Ofl vherher yOu consi(ler the uterus half full or half empty: the
-
FI)A is now considering requests by
tWO manufacturers to use thalido-
mide, the great pharmaceutical evil :
of the i 950s, and another new ,'
..

study says that IUDs, the great '

Pharmaceutical evil of the 1970s. .

.

have got a bad rap. So it's good .

iieu'ssort of. And the recession

may be ending! And the Gulf War is
over! And Daryl Gates is history! But
not quite, and not exactly. Now that a
final postwar triumph in the Gull is
unattainable by killing a lot of people
("Its realty not a number I'm terribly
interested in," Colin Powell said of
any tally of iraqi dead), the afterglow
has become an aftermath that drags
on both tragically and boringly. And
Gates was back at work only a few
days after his temporary purge, and
two of the cops in the video promptly
filed for workcrs compensation,
claiming all the fuss had caused them
"acure anxiety and stress. " Things are
worse than we thought.
(Maybe much worse. During this
years Easter-egg roll on the White
House lawn, someone handed the vice
president a scrap of paper. Quayle
took che scrap, pretended to sign it
with his finger and handed it back;
his press secretary explained later that
the vice president, far from being
insane, had simply been giving the
universal sign for I-donr-have-a-pen.)
But beleaguered postwar Amen-
cans are, like the Brits in 1945, keep-
ing stiff upper lips. At a New York
fashion show this spring, a runway
model thought a gun had been fired
in the room but kept right on modeling;
fortunately, the sound was only the
ceiling collapsing.
Fashion seems stuck just now. Er-
satz I 960s clothes have been shown
every year since 88; each
season, the neo-Edie duds
are touted as fresh and
kicky. Nor is ir only lash-
ion: LSD is becoming sty!-
ish again, and Virginia
frac boys are getting bust-
ed by narcs for marijuana
crimeseven though, ac-
cording to Kitty Kelley,
Nancy and Ronald Rea-
gan once (enviably) smoked a joint
with George Burns and Jack Benny.
J ust say nostalgia: the problem is
that our strip-mining of the recent rast
has been proceeding way too fast
after we rediscovered the artifacts of
the 1920s, 30s, 4Os and 50s during
the '70s, all that was left for the '80s
was a rediscovery of the 'óOs and '70s.
Now we must wait until the 1980s
seem, in retrospect, campy and fetch-
ing. In other words, come I 993, break
out the cocaine and red suspenders.
Or, maybe, conìe late 1991 . A Bos-
ton leather-goods store has just start-
ed leasing $800 attaché cases for $38 a
day, and a certain discredited real es-
tate deve'oper
and casino op-
eraron has re-
emerged with
a vengeance.
'l've been do-
ing very well,
as you probably
know," he vol-
unteered to a
reporter recent-
ly. Then, a few days later, to another
reporter: "I am in much better shape
than almost all other developers."
Remember James Watt? This
spring an Interior Department ocial
called environmentalists "a bunch of
nuts" and said, "I don't believe in en-
dangered species. " Remember Drexel
Burnham Lambert' A federal
bankruptcy court is about to resurrect
that great engine ofthe 1980s. (Ir is a
reanimation with decidedly 9Os at-
mospherics, though: when the lawyers
told
Judge
FrancisConrad
down, he didnt ' won show? Danny Bonaduce, the un-
want them
Neu. York law-
yers working for
an inves/inent bankto get exhausted:
,'1 will order that no one is to work
Saturday or Sunday.') Meanwhile,
junk bonds have been soaring in
value. The 1980s are back.
Norman Schwarzkopf, who could
shortly earn more than $4 million for
his memoirs, returned to his home in
Florida just after the baseball players
had left. Frank Viola, who may shortly
be earning $4 millìon a year from the
Mers, had wanted to finish his salary
negotiations before the season got
under way, because, he said, "I'm too
sensitive for those kinds of scenes."
Darryl Strawberry, the ex-Met who
earns $4 million a year from the
- cartoon
Dodgers, has apparently
got too sensitive for al-
.- most any scene: he is "no
; longer dealing with the
natural world now, It's
the spirit realmthat's
the game I'm playing at."
Earning $25,000 per
' game for playing in the
-
.
.
spirit realm: things are
better than we thounot
exactly. According to a recent Gallup
Poll, 60 percent of Americans believe
in hell, slightly more than in 1952. Of
course, back then exorcisms weren't
on network TV. ABC's took place in
Palm Beach (Sacan, the Kennedy bac-
chanal. . . probably just a coincidence),
where the local Catholic bishop insist-
ed that broadcasting an exorcism in
prime time might hell) "counteract
diabolical activities around us,"
It's probably just another coinci-
dence that ABC has ordered an ani-
mated series called Hammer Man,
based on the mass-market rapper
M.C. Hammer. But the Antichrist's
very favorite new Saturday-morning
certainly be Siegfried
show will
& RoyMasters of the impossible, which
will depict two oily, German-born'
confirmed bachelors who live in Las
Vegas as superheroes fighting for
well, for environmental Lebensraum.
Wasn't there a Partridge Family car-
pleasantest Partridge, apparently
picked up a transvestite hooker in
Phoenix, robbed and beat him, añd
was found by police naked, hiding un-
der a pik of clothes in his apartment.
So which is it? Are things not as
bad as we thought? Or, in fact, worse?
Advertising Women of New York re-
cently gave out awards for the best ad
campaigns of 1990. At the posh Man-
hartan reception, the waiters were cos-
turned as transvestites and homeless
people. "The crowd," Adweek magazine
observed with a jolly wink, "seemed to
"
appreciate the joke. Worse.)
 Coiltribiltors

i
Dichotomy is the hail- (Ud Andersen E. Graydon Caner i
mark the "R' I

oIADAM BEGLEY, Thomas L. Phillips Jr.

-
1

author of tu ¡s issues '"'' .

I

profile of Simon &

Schuster strongman Dick
Susan Morrison
Snyder: there is Begley Xu I liVE LI)FT()K

the Romantic, who holds a Ph.D. in I

B.W.Honeycutt
Alci 1):Rr( iuK
I

American literature and resides in bu- Jamie M3Ianowski 1

AUOAI. Ffl(TO* I

colic Sagaponack, Long Island; and

LorraineCademartori
there is Begley the Pra,'rnatist, who I
MAMs(.TflT()
George Kalogerakis
lives il) Manhattan and writes about the I

wRtir
I

James Collins Joanne Gruber David Kamp

book-publishing industry for The New I

NfÖr it)II(JKS I

York Olnerver and also writes for The I

Harriet Barovick
01 II (Ç:,'K(
I

(tilu t

New York Times Magazine and Connais- I

I

re/ir. Both Begteys pian to marry this I

summer, albeit in a single ceremony. Nick Gostin Matthew Weingarden I

..I 'K tIt(>tY) KIsLAI( tiek )pY t lit I I

Marion Rosenfeld

.
_j_ As much as IRVIN MUCH-
NICK enjoys writing about
I
R)tX(.IIUNl)IU)K
Carter8urden Erwin Gorostiza I

A'M'.TAPT AKr nUcIctita,.

I

legitimate, wholesome John Brodie Michael Mamey

I
I

spo rts he p ro fi I ed J oc Ted Heller Francis Gasparini Wendell Smith I

Montana for the Tirne rllc)ro AJSTANT

Aimée Bell Josh Gillette
a.I:As(.IsIK
I
I

Magazine, after allhe I Ll)ITc)KlALA'cITANIs 1

ad m i ts that hfi rsr love is pro

is I
Nian Fish
IMHK,N J'flfltflt
Wendi Williams
RISAK, f
I

wrestling. In this issue he writes about I

Paul Elle Nancy Keating AndreaLockett
t()pY AsJtlM'l
Gregory Villepique I

the escalating war between America's I

Cathy Clarke Dave Moore Bill Wilson I

.K1 AJ.IAl.Th
rival wrestling and bodybuilding mafias. Walter Mosiheit' I

.%,rcENçLsc/crt:rK.t-I AKc.b
Deborah Michel
I

Angeles) Andrea Rider (Washington)

RusTY UNGER, a coeditor I
(Los
Kl tM)Nt1'1 I

of the parody Not the Daniel Carter Meg Cohen Robinson Everett Susan Homer Jonathan Napack
Brian Ritt Howard Robbins Maureen Shelly
describes
I

.
New York Times, INitRrs

herself as a humor
I

,
writera circumstance Andy Avon, Henry Alford, Sara Barrett, Harry Benson, Barry Butt, Roy Blount Jr.,
I

perhaps informed by the Celia Brady, John Connolly, Edward Jay Epstein, Bruce Feirstein, Drew Friedman, Tad Friend, Fred Goodman, I

fact that her given name is Rustine. Humphrey Greddon, Steven Guarnaccia, Bruce Handy, Tony Hendra, Lynn Hirschberg, Laureen Hobbs,
Ann Hodgnian, J. J. Hunsecker, Dafydd Jones, Eric Kaplan, Howard Kaplan, Meuh Kaylan, Mark Lasswell, I
I

"It's also the name of some kind of bi- I Natasha Lessnik, Guy Martin Patty Marx, Patrick McMullan, Mark O'Donnell, David Owen,
C. F. Payne, Joe aueenan, Steve Radlauer, Paul Rudnick, Harry Shearer, Randall Short, Paul Slarvsky,
I

cycle-repair product in France,' she

I
I

Richard Stengel, TodStiles,Taki, James Traub, Rachel Urquhart, Ellis Weiner, Philippe Weisbecker,
Philip Weiss, Ned Zerran and Edward Zuckerman, among others
says. In this
I

issue she looks deep inside I

(OKSKIKI'TIt«.. utirou

Bergdorf Goodman, the most shopper-

friendly upscale store in New York. I
Jeanine Moss Anne Rothschild I

For the past four years, IADVF.KiI,.tp't(. r,IKi.c.roKs Elaine Alimonti

I

Nt: VuR lANM.tit

ANNE WILLIAMSON has AdamDolgins
regularly shuttled in and MARKLT1M MA'.M,)K
I

L. P. Grant Patty Nasey Hllary Van Kleeck

out of the Soviet Union Gerrykreger(LosAngeles, 213.933.7211) I

AL)V!R7lSI(AtIREt'KL%JtTATIVL.
in the service ofThe Wall
i

Geoffrey Relu I

Street Journal, The New I (ENLKALMANAGEK I

Randall Stanton Jeltery Stevens

York Times, Travel & Leisure and spy, for I

MMEK (O?1KOLLLIt
I

whom she this month chronicles the I

Giiiaøuclayan
,)tFKr MANA(.tR
KrlstenRayner
&'.t.P.TANT PK(tI)t(TK)N MANA(k
I

disintegration of Moscow. She is cur-

I

Jeffrey Estilo Maija-Liisa Máklnen Ellen Rosenthal I

AuwtKTIsIN( ASISIANTt
rently at work on a novel entitled I

Qieg Bogomoinly
wx)KKrsprK
Colin Brown Richard Kanar Michael Upscomb Kristall Richardson
I

Chiezhdaya: A Great Riis.rian Novel in I uiitr AtIAI PUiI.tIItM MISANT 0

Michael Collins
English. Despite her abiding interest in A»VKIIINi INILKN
I

things Russian, Williamson insists that DesigtierType

1YI'fl(.RAPtIK* I
I

she is not what Senator Alan Simpson a

e
would call a sympathizer.) [ _____

lo SPYJIINE 1991
 Th ySay
Life is Just Like
High School,
Only With
More Money.

spy high.
a
make-believe
yearbook
of the
rich and
famous -

at bookstores.

SPY BOOKS I DOUBLEDAY

 F'IoI1I the SPY MaIrooiìi
If you're among the hundreds of
thousands of first-time readers lured by
spy's new, friendlier design, then the
name Habfìnger will mean nothing to
you. You will not know, for example,
that in the magazine's early years many
of the jokes were Haibfinger-driven;
that as the staff aged and started to
have children, roughly three out of
every four infants were given the
middle name Haibfinger; that the name
Halbfinger itself so delighted us-
Halbfinger!that we said it
("Halbfinger, Haiblinger") and printed
it (i-la/hunger, Halbfinger, Ha/bfínger)
at every opportunity, no matter how
contrived. In other words, there's a
Haibfinger history here, and all you
recent converts, you people who
couldn't make the effort to read sv
before it was easy to read, have got
some catching up to do.
Briefly, this is the story so far:
Young David Halbfinger was one of our
severest critics back when was a
pup. He wrote us with a condescension
that would have been unbecoming in a
tenured semiotics professor, never
mind a Yale undergraduate, which is
what he was. But we liked him all the
same. We even liked a certain "Mrs.
Halbfinger" who wrote us. Since both
Halbfingers identified themselves by
their various colleges and degrees
completed or anticipated we
concluded that they were related, and
very likely mother and son. Both,
needless to say, hated spy.
Although sv and the Haibfingers
have long since fallen out of touch, we
were still hurt not to have heard the
exciting, exciting news directly from
Haibfinger Central. The news is that
one "David M. Haibfinger, a Yale
University graduate," won first place in
Rolling Stone's 1990 College
Journalism Competition, General
Reporting category. We came upon the
announcement accidentally while
leafing through Rolling Stone (we think
it was the "100 Greatest Pedal-Steel-
I2SPYJUNE 1991
Letters to SPY
DacK to DaMafl
Your Dirty Dozen 1991 [by Bill Flana-
gan, March] was hysterical. You :s1
have plans to market it as a pOStCt ro
help the nation out of its recesoops,
significant economic downturn.
Griff Hathaway
Bethesda, Maryland
How could you have forgotten a war
correspondent for the l)irty Dozen's Iraqi
adventure No one could have senti-
rnencalized such an event better than
my hero, George Will. Best of all, he
could have stayed Stateside.
J on Lujan
Stunner, Washington
ihere Goes Our Karma
To refer to a sacred Buddhist structure
as "a giant Buddhist piñata" is disre-
specrful and fallacious ("Holy House-
wife!," by Susan Lehman, Marchi. Scu-
pas go back 2,500 years, to the time of
Buddha. They represent the enlight-
ened qualities of the Buddha: compas-
sion, wisdom, loving kindness, equa-
nimity. In Psycho-Cosmic Symbolism o/the
Buddhist Sin/ia, the following descrip-
tion is presented: stupa is a uni-
versal symbol of enlightened mind, a
familiar sight in all lands where Bud-
dhism has flourished, . . . Rightly inter-
preteci and understood by both reason
and intuition, it mirrors the harmony
and perfection of universal principles
and invites the human mind to awaken
its full capabilities." Please print an
apology for the benefit of those Bud-
(IhiSt practitioners who hold these sa-
cred monuments to be most precious.
Wib Middleton
Development director
Kunsang Odsal Palyul
Changchub Choeling
Poolesville, Maryland
We're sorry if our description of the stispa
caused discomfort to Buddhists. But what
have you got against piliatas?
A EÑO1, EïÌllsrnirny
My brother insists that in the event of
J erry Garcia's death, Deadheads will
turn to following the Aliman Brothers,
no' Little Feat ['We Make the Call:
SPY Forecasts the Trends of the
Nineties!," by David Kamp, March).
Laiera Elizabeth Pinto
Wjndso, Ontario. Canada
I'd like to congratulate David Kamp
for his beautifully executed example of
American society's continual degrada-
don of women in his description of
"the Maude Syndrome."
You describe the mounting frustra-
don of young men forced to wear con-
doms during sex. Well, boo-hoo. God
forbid men should have to shoulder any
of the responsibility in birth control
and disease prevention. You then re-
duce women, the implicit sexual part-
ners of your young men, to "disease and
pregnancy risks" and equate intimacy
with "condomless sex. " If your goal was
to illustrate how callous, insensitive
and self-centered men can be, you have
succeeded with me.
The notion you ridiculethat of
younger men having relationships with
older womenis widely practiced in
the reciprocal: older men and younger
women. Is it really so laughable that a
young man might find worth in a rela-
tionship with an older woman? No,
David Kamp, ¡t is your double stan-
dard that is laughable, and your insidi-
ous perpetuation of such chauvinism
makes me laugh until I cry.
J ennifer Sino/ka
Lot Angeles, California
David Kamp replies, "Though I would be 'D
grateful to any writer whose work m4de me o
laugh until I cried, I offer ny deepest apolo- C
gies to Ms. Sino/ka, and regret that she o
never sau.' my further prediction, edited from .0
the piece. that an invisible toxic cloud would
.0
soon descend upon Los Angeles. rendering its C
Citizens mad and unable to discern serious Q
"
opinionfrom light satire,
AI
Guitar Solos of 1970-75" special double
issue). But we would have heard soon
enough anyway, because a Michelle
Nicolosi faxed us the announcement,
along with this note: "Is this the same
boy that wrote terminally silly letters to
you? Did he brag to you about this
award already? When he interned at The
Times-Picayune (New Orleans), he just
could not stop talking about his sry
letters. We loved him, though...."
Sounds like our guy. As for the
photograph- well, we never actually
met him, and yet this looks just like
what we imagine a David Haibtinger to
look like. It's so Halbfingeresque that it
must be our David Haibtinger. So,
congratulations, David M. Haibfinger.
We'll all be working for you someday.
But you already expected that.
We'd like to devote the little
remaining space this month to news of a
non-Haibfingerian nature.
"My challenge to is to publish
the crotch of Donald Trump!" writes
"Helen of Hartford." Next letter.
"spy forecasts the return of milk
deliveries with the liquid separated into
layers of milk and cream NEVER
HAPPEN!," reads a note from Robert
Sommer of Manhattan, who'd just read
our March story on trend spotting and
predicting. "Homogenization occurs
because milk is pumped around dairies
at enormous pressure through 'A-inch
stainless-steel tubing. Any change in
process would entail humongous costs
and would not be all that useful." Now
that you've moved to the big city, Mr.
Sommer, do you still wake up at 4:00
a.m. with an urge to raise a barn?
The brief excerpt from The Missing
Linkthat ran in this column in February
("1 had been abducted by UFOs/ETs...
for cross-breeding purposes") piqued
Seattle reader Timothy Muck's interest
in that odd Washington-based
newsletter. "Please print more," he
writes. Will you settle instead for this
letter, written on the stationery of an
Alaska inn, with a Minneapolis
postmark? "Dear Spaigh," it begins,
authentically, "I hope you liked that
Missing Link I sent you. I hope you
subscribed. The February issue of
Missing Link is a real great tripyou
will want to send somebody out to the
upcoming convention in Tucson this
I4SPYJUNE 1991
May....It is sowow! crazy! wild!! You
won't wanna miss this!" It's all yours,
Timothy Muck. We're just going to back
out of the room slowly.
"Recently I wrote the Postal Service
complaining about late delivery of dated
materials," writes Luis Mejia of the
Bronx. "The letter was returned because
the offices of the Postal Service had
moved and had not left a forwarding
address." We don't know what to say,
apart from the obvious (be brave) and
the less obvious (we're always delighted
to hear from readers in the Bronx).
Hank Morgan, a Rotisserie League
Life player from Tuscaloosa, Alabama,
has developed "an irrational love for the
undoubtedly beautiful Marion" on the
RLL 900-line recording. He suggests a
contest for "a dream date with the
Rotisserie spokesperson of the winner's
choice." Well, Marion is remaining
noncommittal on this but says she'd
consider it "if he's cute."
David Rutman of Miami writes to say
that although Akira Kurosawa hasn't yet
directed an episode of Star Trek: The
Next Generation (see "Well, Why
Couldn't De Niro Appear on Doogie
Howser?," March), the show has in fact
already aired "a Rashomon episode
without so much as a tip of the galactic
hat to Kurosawa." Very interesting.
"I'm sure you've gotten lots of letters
from devoted Trekkies," Rutman adds.
Well, actually, Dave. ..you're the first.
Message to Timothy Rood of Oakland
regarding the March SPY List: We know
who Joey Spampinato is, and you told us
who Johnny Spampinato is, but. ..we
still can't tell you who Johnny
Stompanato is. That would ruin the fun
for you. (Hint: he's not in NRBQ or The
Incredible Casuals.)
Most shameless spy ripoff
sorry, homageof the month:
Entertainment Weekly's "Video All-
Stars," a collection of actors whose
movies do well on video done baseball-
card-style, with statistics on the back.
(spy did this with high-powered New York
lawyers and chefs in 1987 and 1988,
respectively.) For originality, we give
Entertainment Weekly a C + . (Runner-
up: the Daily News's Apple Sauce page
decided in March to find out from prison
authorities whether Mike Milken will be
able to wear his hairpiece in the
l_0110 Uve Jack Floe
Well, Why Coii/dni 1)e Niro Appeat
on Doogie Howser?" [March] was pretty
funny, all right, hut did you ever do
this' You call up a drugstore, an(l you
say, "Do you have Prince Albert in a
can?" And they say yes, and...
I..ar)) Eubank
JeJfersonvi//e. Indiana
/V1: Eiiha,ik, ¡hic is the eve,ìt/ time )ou'i.'e
u ritten iii in less ,L,,,i a ;;ea:
Even iii tue Annals of Prankdom, your
systematic torture of television execu-
tives in March was crue! and heartless.
Keep up the ¿ood work!
J ûhii i)iiiion
%sl i chuy. i%lassachiiseíts
vIrulQÌ 0031131
In describing your magazine to a
friend once, I said YOU were similar to
,NTationa/ La/1l/)OOfl hut fact-based and
actually amusing. You seem deter-
mined ro contradict me on both
COuntS. Your occasional tcrional
workfor example, A Casino Too
Far" [by Jamie Malanowski, August)
aral the new, monthly 'Oval Office
Diary" [by George Kalogerakis)pales
beside che fact-based articles.
Also, bring back The SPY Index.
Don Sauyer
Ilaììipton, Viiginia
We haven 'i lei you dozen as ;ìi:ich as you
think: A Casino Too Far" may have been
fiction, bui it was prescient fictiona loi of
it Caine tuie. the Oval Of//ce Dia')'.
1% ial
u hile fictional in tone, is based on fati and
has included s'erai real, otherwise unre-
ported anecdotes about our president. The
SPY Index is hack. Finally. u;ed like to
take the opportunity to confess about one
other little thing in s' that wasn't exactly
real. Remember that iii. STUPID GOES TO
VASHlNGTON awer back in 89? Vice Pres-
ic/ent Quayle refused to sit on Lincoln c lap
f O) our cameras. so ue had to superimpose.
Ei, Maria, TIIÌ' aAfls!
Donald Trump's hand signal for milk
["Okay, Now, What's the Sign for
Dcbt?Our Special Donald Trump
Sign-Language Translation Guide,"
February) requ ires more coordi nation
than one m i hr rhink î,-nm rkc ,i
gram provided. Unless Trump has
short-fingered right hands, the photo
shows that executing the sign depends
on having a flunky stand nearby and si-
(Wo
joe jackson
The new album Laughter & Lust. Everything you'd expect fronì Joe Jackson

multaneously gesture with the raised

thumb olhis or her right hand.
Doug Harris
Toronto. Ontario, Canada
Right ywi are. And now we?? all u'orried

that Trmnp may finally have something ac-

tionable on us.

llicíjastal Dis1urhuc
Hey! Im gonna be a .Iar! How do I
know? James Toback told me so! I was
coming out of a bookstore on Wilshire
Boulevard when I was accosted by a man
who informed me that he was "mes-
merized" by my beauty. What's more, he
was a director! He fished out a DGA
card and a New York driver's license to
prove it. "See?" he said, "It's me!"
He said be was in tOWfl making a
movie with Warren. He'd made lots of Available wherever musc iS sold on Vitgin
movies, he said, including Nastassja Compact Discs and Cassettes.
t 1991 Virgin Records America. Inc.
Kinski's big breakthrough, Exposed. We
were already getting along better than
he and Nastassja had the first time
theyd met, he said, when she'd punched
him in the face: "She thought I was
coming on to herand actually, I used
to come on to people a loi more directly
sexually than I do now ......
He asked il I (lid any sports, because
my walk had suchhe put his hands at
his hips, palms facing in, and thrust
them forward quickly"power!" He
had a black belt in karate, he said. He
put his hand on my shoulder and chal- L Froni the offíroadway stage
lenged me to try to bend his elbow, to the printed page comes Sex,
I)rugs, Rock & Roll, Eric Bogosian's
using both hands. I said that perhaps hilarious, poignant. always on-
Ed be comfortable doing something target chronicle of life in the
like that if we knew each other better. post-80s.
"Do you think we'll look back on this penetrating social
day," he asked, "and be amazed we
didn't know each other yet?" DRUGS observer. Brilliant. Sex, Drugs,
Rock & Roll is
journalismand more
realer than
He told me to rent Exposed,
and The Pick-up Artist; then we'd talk
about the movie he'd write for me. I
asked if I could bring my boyfriend.
"Oh. Well, when you're going to write
Fingers

RWK frightening. His funniest and

scariest yet."Frank Rich,
New York Times

Bogosian is one of those

magical writersperforniers. As
Shaw said of Shakespeare, the ear
a movie for somebody, you've got to
really get to know them, know what I
mean? I really think it would be better
if we just got to know each other
alone first."
When I told my boyfriend what had
J UIL
Whit 1ea Br.ci ws to tIe 1950s. lob Dytu to tie ISOlI. Woo
tic kosun cs th tTigM5j .o..t al dnit e o hsts
*11 the 19?Os-ths wÑt
-Ira* Ii&,

. -- _j j
,e 51t T.,,
is the key. Eric Bogosian's ear
is one of the most astute
and unique'Joseph Papp
Available at bookstores now
Soon to be a major motion picture
from Avenue Pictures

UarperCollinsPublishers
_ \o a'aIabtc from HarperCollïnsC4nJdaL:d.
happened, he delved into his spy collec-

JUNE 1991 SPY 15

 slammer exactly as had done ¡n
September 1987 and reprinted, ¡n case
Apple Sauce missed ¡t the first time, in
February 1990. Second runner-up: a tie.
Harper's and The New Republic both
recently tackled the curiously named
colors in the Tweeds catalog -just a year
after sv did ["A Rose Is a Rose," by
R. E. Neu, January 1990].)
Most shameless alleged ripoff by SPY:
according to Brian Gyqi of Manhattan,
Maddid a "MafiaCo Incorporated"
annual report in 1969 -21 years before
our "Cambino Group 1990 Annual
Report" (by John Brodie, November
1990). Coincidence, Mr. Gygi.
Remember, we acknowledged here ¡n
March that the Simpson Paper Company
of San Francisco had a similar idea in
1981. Besides, when Madpublished its
piece, John Brodie was three years old -
impressionable, yes, but probably too
young to be hoarding ideas in a clip file
for possible future use at satirical
magazines of the nineties.
Word reaches us that a casual March
18 West 16th Sc 1990 Datebook reference to "way-cool"
Now Cincinnati Symphony conductor Jesús
López-Cobos had serious reverberations:
the orchestra's management produced a
T-shirt with a likeness of the conductor
in Ray Bans, and the inscription 'WAY
COOL"SPYMAGAZNE. The shirts are
selling well. For what it's worth, we'd

RDXYS BISTRO like to see the money go to a timpanist

scholarship.
Finally, Lisa Werner writes from
Malmö, Sweden, to tell us that she paid
"the equivalent of $7 for spy. Slightly
more than for Redbook, slightly less
than for Fangoria." As usual, even in
Scandinavia, we've positioned ourselves
5:00 PM to I :OO.AM with pinpoint precision.
Sunday through Wednesday CORRECTIONS
5:00 PM to 3:00 AM The cover headline of the April issue,
Thursday, Friday. Saturday which read in part WERE WE NUTS?! A TIDY,
FIVE-DAY GULF WAR?, was incorrect. It
I I :30 AM to 4:00 RNA should have read WERE WE NUTS?! A
Saturday & Sunday MISERABLE, TREASURY-SAPPING, UNCEASING
QUAGMIRE OF A WAR THAT WOULD REND THE
FABRIC OF THE NATION FOR A GENERATION? In
May's Review of Reviewers, Esquire
editor in chief Terry McDonell's name
was misspelled. And the credits for our
May cover were omitted from the
Contents; the figures were
21 20 BROADWAY AT 7th Street 799-1 160
photographed by Carolyn Jones, and the
cover was styled by Irene Albright.

1? SPYJUN1 1991
tion and found the March 1989 article
on Mr. Toback ["The Pickup Artist's
Guide to Picking Up Women," by Vin-
cenza Demetz), as well as your follow-
ups on him in March, May and Decem-
ber 1 990. 1 cannot describe the relief I
felt, knowing that nothing I had done
(beyond being female and having regu-
lar features) had provoked this man's
advances! To know that I was nor alonc!
Kamala White
Los Angeles, California
No, not alone - not hardly.

Orner Voices, Other euers

George Rush's report on G. David
Schine's path from Somebody to No-
body to Wanna-be ["The Red-Baiter
and the Billionaire," March] was fasci-
nating. However, it was just too short,
and America wants to know more. Did
Schine and Cohn remain friends as they
got older (and in Roy's case meaner)?
How does the author envision Schine's
life-style of the future: a Grey Gardens
fadeout, with Schine enduring the mid-
die stages of creeping norma desmondi-
tis? As the late Margaret Mitchell
might have said, tomorrow there's a
book in all ofthis, somewhere.
Cole Waddell
New York
wvAHQ4;1Q
on the heels of Alessandra Stanley's reí- u11i7
erence to Jesse Jackson as the "Zeug of
American politics," which won her a It serves you right.
$250 in-house prize (The Times,
November 1990), Elizabeth Koibert
drums up a new labe! for Mario
Cuomo: the "Hamlet of American poli-
tics" ("The State of the Governor," The
New York Times Magazine, February 10).
Does Ms. Kolbert lack (a) originality or
(b) pocket money?
Katie Le,nire
Washington, D.C.
lt's spreading beyond the Times: a month
later, Newsday called New York City
councilman Robert Dryfoos the "Zelig of
City Hall."

spy welcomes letters from its readers. Ad-

dress correspondence to spy, The SPY
Building, 5 Union Square West, New
York. N. Y ¡0003. Typewritten letters are
LrÍ
PAL
preferred. Please include your daytime tele- 9641 Sunset Boulevard, Beverly Hills, CA 90210 (213) 276-2251
phone number. Letters may be edited for Direct Reservations (800) 283-8885 Cable: BEVI-IILL Telex: 188586 TWX 910-490-2580
Ami,bOI CThéjçathrzgdïfotdsofthéWodd
length or clarity. )

JUNE 1991 SPY 7

 Th WebS

Doo Hewitt: O-Mioofe DD

Ever since CBS News president Eric Ober put a gag ofhce). Therc are two ways of dealing
ordcr Oíl former 60 A'Iimíies correspondent Meredith Vieira this with l)on," says a former CBS News
producer who worked vitli Hewitt for
springshe remains at CBS, earning $10,000 a weekher fir- many years. "You either suck his (lick
iìer boss, executive producer Don Hewitt, has been telling anyone or you Ratter him. Vieira did neither.
who will StO!) tO listen his version of why it was necessary to throw a Perhaps the most telling incident of
pregnant mother with a seriously ailing husband off his Show. the entire Vieira mess was F-lewitr's re-
\X"hile the press has dcl)ated the implications for workin mothers, no one aCtion tO Deirdre Fannings article on
has botlred to check Hewitt's explanation of the dismissal. His version is the aiThir in the Business Section of the
SO 11 i insy tlìat if 60 Minutes i tself vcre to scruti n ize the dissembi i ng exec- Sunday Neu Yo,k Tinies. The piece,
utive pro(lt1c(r, even Harry Reasoner which was mildly critical, sent Hewitt
could demolish his story. might do tWiCe as many. Hewitt ne- into hysteria. Hewitt called friends at
Generally regarded by colleagues as glected to mention that the male cor- tlic. Ti,iics to complain, then speculated
just another Cance-scented denizen of respondents were eariling ¡flore tlìan about a tliir(lhafl(l connection Fanning
CBS News, a major lioncho who rakes twice what Vieira was paid. and that has to Clark Clifford, the Washington
home $26,000 a week airer taxes. the lie had often made special allowances niiiience grise who had recently been
68-year-old Hewitt tried to porray for a few of them. When, for health or die subject of a tough 60 Minutes seg-
himself as a niiìcries kind oí boss. He personil reasons, the productivity of ment. Angry and abusive, Hewitt
told Vieira that she had the choice of Hewirrs middle-aged-to-elderly called Fanning repeatedly. l-le told
working at home or bringing her two- tigers" faltered, he was patient and Fanning, threateningly, that "Max is
year-old son, Ben, to the oflice. In fact, flexible. They 'vere guys, though. very upset," referring to Fannings
while pregnant with her next child and Ultiniattly, sources at CBS suggest, boss, Max Franke!. But apparently
sriO on maternity leave, Vieira did at- i lewitt's problem with Vieira had [ir Frankel and 1-lewitt liad never dis-
tempt to work at home, but Hewitt tie to (IO with competence CtJS5C(l Fannings Piece.
demanded that she start making more (although perhaps not tt then asked his
regular appearances at the 60 ,'\i,w,te brilliant Vieira is at least '. handful of female loyalists to
OffiCeS. To enforce better attcn(lance, a competent reporter). But ( . draft a letter to the 'Tï,ìi.c,
he îiiüvcd her office froni a sleepy cor- it (I id liave a lot ro do ,\1-lewi
which he 1101)ed vould run
.-

ncr of the floor into plain view of his Wi tl) li is ti iicn I ight- - on Easter Sunday. The
,
command post. ened view of .- .
letter was supposed to
\Xhen Hewi tt told E)zter!c(;/liIlenI in general. He lias .'.. he from the wonìcn
%Veek/y this spring that he had 'ser up always advanced the . of 60 i%t,,,i,tes and
a nursery so she could uurse her baby careers of those worn- was meant to pre-
in the office," lie was simply lying. en who interest sent Hewitt as a
According to sources at the show, and flatter him caring, sensitive
- ----
Doii

there never was a nursery set U for (He//o. Diaije.'). man Vli() would
Vieira. Vicira's detractors claim that There have been ciever, for instance,
the presence of Ben interfered with exceptions, hut Hewitt has a iways advanced drag a secretary
the broadcast, but this seems implan- many women at ó() into a iotocopy
. .
hni their
. the careers of those women who
sible. Vieira broutlit her sou to the /\i1)l//leS room for a quick
oiTce exactly three timesand one of Path is easier if interest ai id flatter him grope. All female
those occasions was the oce Christ- tlie' indulge their staffers at ()() Mm-
nias party. There are divorced fathers bosss Ilirtations. il/es were encour-
at CBS News whose children spend of the dozen or so female produc- aged to sign. Undoubtedly they were Q.
more time idling about the network ers currently employed at ó() /Vii,mte$, assured that a refusal to do so would
than Viciras SOfl ever lias. at least two were promoted froiii che have no effect on their careers. Eas-
Hewitt braved loudest when he rank ofsecretary after engaging in ap- ter morning dawned cool and clear, u
claimed that Vieira was not earning parently romant ic relationships with yet no letter appeared in the Times.
her S500,000-a-year salary. She Hewitt or another musky CBS News Hewitts supporters had been un-
worked on only about a dozen seg- niairi man (niaybe it means nothing, able to get enough signatures to
nients per season, Hewitt reminded us, but br years OflC of these women kept niake it worth mailing.
liile Mike Wallace or Morley Safer a leather bullwhip øii the wall of her Leetireen ¡1o/)bs

I8SPYJUNE 1991
 PILSNER UROUELL
CZECHOSLOVAKIA
The Oñgna Pilsne Since 1292

e'9 GIIINNESS UPOT CO. STAJAFO4W. CT

 The lildustly

Does Oscar Have a Nauhf little Secret?

Kevin Costner had only just been handed his Best an d advertising. And it was a pretty
Picture Oscar for Dances With Wolves (the regular-length movie ¿ od film. Its failure may indicate
at one of the very staples of the
that, with some slack in the editing, became an "epic"), and he ovie industrythe frothy, medium-
had hardly finished saying that next year he would still remember bi dget buddy comedyhas finally
what had won the award, when speculation
film (Dances With Wolves) ru n out of gas. . . . I am always amused
about next year began. Not about which films are early contenders. by Hollywood's willingness to em-
Rather, people are wondering if the Academy Awards are fixed. br ace advancing technology and adapt
Despite Price Waterhouse's reputation for integrity and thoroughness, it in ways suitable only to people in
the number of Academy voters (4,942) and all the crazed, competing in- tu e businessthe most popular of the
terests that argue against any effective To/) Gunlike telephone headsets are
conspiracy, rumors persist that prom- Whoopi Goldberg, say, got a nomina- th ose that clip onto the ear, eliminat-
ises are made and that somehow, don, it might swing a lot of votes." in the over-the-head wire that left an
undue influence by some organiza- These sentiments were echoed by ex- unrsightly imprint in the user's care-
tions is exercised in the voting pro- ecutives at both Fox and Warners. fu uy blow-dried hair. The Amtel ma-
cess. A well-known actress swears that Each of them was at first mildly cha- ch me is the latest Hollywood gadget.
one of the largest, most powerful agen- grined by the suggestion but then re- Es sentially a screen with a keyboard,
cies promised her an Oscar if she left marked that when it came to the l)0S it is particularly popular with agents
the small West Coast talent agency sibility of fudging the vote, it just an d quasi-harried studio executives.
that represents her. Hou' can you wouldnt surprise them. The Acade- W'hen an executive is on che phone
promise that? she asked, ro which the my's demographics are getting an d another call comes in, his secre-
agent trying co sign her replied, We younger. And since its rarv types in the callers name,
strongly suggest hou our clients who are members are the most suc- .

all(l it shows up on the screen.

meithers of the Acadenty should vote. In
other words: We tell our client.c hou to
Ilote. and we keep you working.
When the powers that be at CAA
wooed Dan Aykroyd away from Uber-
manager Bernie Brillstein, they report-
edly promised to deliver him a nom-
ination. CAA landed Aykroyd the role
cessful people in the husi- On the keyboard are such keys
ness, they're more reliant as YOU HANDLE. TAKE A MES-
on CAA for their wcll-bcing SA(,h. BRING IN FILE and HAVE
than on any other company. THEM HOLD ANI) WAIT; other
When the studios ran Holly- commands, such as WATER and
r
wood, it was said they con- the more comically generic
trolkd the Oscars. Now th.it 100D, are also popular....
agents run the business. .we!l,
.

'.-
At the industry dinner
of Boolie in Driving Miss Daisy, and he you make the call. "N after the Oscars, the
Paramount table was
.

got a Supporting Actor nomination. Tri,,i.c and !?ndc: Ordinarily.

.

.I!rr
(He may subsequently have diluted flops come out, pleased, naturally,
that goodwill by writing, directing flop and are for- ¿%ichaSJ. about Whoopi
and starring in the utter bomb Nothing gotten. The failure Goldberg's tri-
but Trouble, but at least by then CAA of tJniversal's Mi- iimphGhost was a
was getting the commissions.) chad J. FoxJames The agent said, We strongly Paramount picture.
Back to those thousands of Acade- \Voods comedy IIx suggest how our cile,its who are But what really gal-
my members, some of whom haven't Har/ W',j, is cans- vanized them was
left Sherman Oaks in 30 years: is it Ing upset stomachs members of the Academy the sight of Frank
really possible to fudge the Oscar pro- at the Ivy among should votie Mancusowho had
cess "When youre into that many the few in Holly- been sacked as
people for favors, and that many peo- wood who still go to lunch. Why? Pa.rarnount's chairman just five days .

plc are into you for favors, why not?'
someone high up on the Paramount
executive food chain said. 'You might
not be able to guarantee an award. But
if Mike [Ovitz) or one of his licuten-
When a film The Doors bombs, be fore and was preparing to sue the
people shrug get on with their sti.idiopresiding over the table, in
lives. But The liard Way is the kind of on e eyewitnesss words, 'like a don."
by-the-numbers movie that should lt was Mancus&s way of saying, This
have done business: an eminently is table. and zow that i 'ni going, these
,11y

ants were to let it be known through green-lightable, commercial, high- fte ip/e ui/I be going. t(iO.

their network of clients and associates concept idea; two highly viable stars; See you Monday night at Mortons.
that CAA would be pleased if tons olpre- and postrelcase promotion Celia Brady E

2OSPYJUNE 1991
 'J!I I1 ¡ [IÀ''II1l:1:TIYT1i
1 U ! I1 I P-I L' 'Y1 -I'

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TICKETMASTER: 307-4100 f
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:1
 ----- -.- --- --- -- -- -- ---

The Thnes

"Good Eveuin, Lathes and Gerifis..."

The solstice is near, the weather is balmy, the fireflies Sally Quinn. For his part, Hoge serves
are aglow, strawberries are in seasonPlease, Mr. Lelyveld, can't up a number of self-congratulatory
observations on the privilege of being
we work outside today?
Warren: "I am energetic and busy, and
What's gotten into the ordinarily dour, dispirited inhabitants of a I think I have put myself in a position
certain fortressiike building on West 43rd &reet? Springtime has to get lucky more than other people";
apparently brought with it a new New York Times, where L-O-V-E "The role Humphrey Bogart would
is where it's at and it's okay to cut loose, leave early and live life to its have played in the movies, I had in
fullest. Indeed we do have pink .ceersucker in a 47-stout, Mr. Rosenthal! real life"; and a personal favorite, I
Most infected by the giddiness is Titnes Magazine editor and house WASP can eat enormous amounts of food and
Warren Hoge, who in April threw never gain weight."
himself a 50th-birthday party at The manded him for being way too candid Art critic John Russell may not be
Russian Tea Room. The party's invita- in an Avenue magazine profile. If the the confessionalist crooner Hoge is,
rions featured a photograph of Hoge cabaret act could charitably be seen as but he too has been bitten by the love
as a babyone imagines his first word more che manifestation of a self-dep- bug that has been sending Timesrnen
was "No!"and promised live cabaret recating sense of humor than of into the stratosphere. When Russell's
music. lt sounded pleasant enough boundless vanity, the profile reveals very good churn Walter Annenberg
80 of Hoge's friends, including Jcrzy that Hoge does, in fact, find himself bequeathed his reportedly $1 billion
Kosinski, Diane Von Furstenberg and terribly fascinating. With Hoge's assis- art collection to the Metropolitan
Mark Goodman, all gathered for tance, the articles author, Judith Museum of Arton the condition
drinks and revelry. But when the Adler Hennessee, maps his wardrobe that Times publisher Punch Sulz-
guests arrived and the lights were from head to toe. We learn that Hoge berger. also the Met's chairman, l)lay
lowered and the spotlight shone upon wore jeans with white clogs in the story above the fold on the
center stage, the smiling, tuxedoed the sixties, and that he no lont pageit was Russell, and

performer behind the microphone wears a Baume & Mercier not his successor as the pa-
was. . .Warren "Silverthroat" Hoge. watch, "bright silk pocket per's regular art reviewer,
While the audience of Hoge associates squares," "body-hugging Michael Kimmelman, who
squirmed, the number three editor of shirts" and a "flat, quarter- was assigned to report on
The New York Times bravely crooned inch-wide silver bracelet the donation. (Kimmelman,
some 20 standards, holding the stage around his right wrist, a after all, has written critically
for almost an hour. And like any en- gift from a female friend.' )f Annenberg.) The story
tertainer worth his salt, he included a Suffused with descriptive mo ussell turned in heaped heavy
showstopper: his eight-year-old son, mentum, Hennessee con- raise on Annenbergand, by
Nicky, joined him for a rendition of
"
dudes, "It Isn't extension, on all the
"Together, Wherever We Go. that the clothes arc warrtfl fabulously wealthy
This diverting spectacle was not SO
eye-popping; people who give
the rash, impulsive act oían individu- it's the way he When the spotligh t shone upon their belongings to
al suddenly in the throes of male wears them. The museums in return
menopause or tee many marroonies. fit is flawless, center stage, the smi iling, tuxedoed for tax breaks. So
Hoge had for the past six months ac- which really makes hyperbolically
performer beliindthe
tually been going offafter work to re-
hearse with a piano accompanist. A
the lookHoge's
own sexy inter- I
iiuii.rupiwiuc VV a. . .
Narren Hoge
gushy was Russell's
pieceit read more
Whiffenpoof in his Yale days, Silver- national" preppy like bum-kissing
throat had long dreamed of perform- persona. Whew! And we thought Jim hagiography than like newsthat it
ing again, and his friends and Tinies Hoge was the cute one! Hennessee's had ro be toned down before it could
colleagues may have ro brace them- hor-and-borheredness is understand- be published. On the front page, of
selves for future intimate, very special abk, though. We learn farther down course. And above the fold.
evenings with Warrentwo-drink in the article that in his premarriage Frank Rich and Alex Witchel's im-
minimum. days Hoge was known as the East pending nuptials are perhaps most
C
o
None of this could have been too Coast Warren Be'acty, and that lie has representative of the new mood at the N

pleasing to Hoge's bosses at the Times, dated, among others, Candice Bergen, Times. For one thing, Frank is finally
who a few months earlier had repri- Polly Bergen. Sally Kellerman and settling down again. His banishment

22SPYJUNE 1991
from Orsopreviously mentioned in supplement featuring photographs of Of course, there remains one
this space as his regular lunchtime, all the sportswritersit turns out, province of the paper that's complete-
snacktime and dinnertime haunt alas, that most of them look like ly immune co spring's good vibes.
after it was discovered he was court- sportswritersand silly quotes from "Jews by faith or birth: Where are
ing the help (and sometimes succeed- them in categories like "Moment J you?" writes Abe Rosenthal in On My
ing) will go a long way to ensure that. first realized I loved sports" and "The Minci, his twice-weekly docu-
Like his fellow ex-Lotharin Hoge, funniest clung that ever happened to mentation of his encroaching senility.
Frank is also breaking into show busi- me while covering a sports story.' ,. Have
you forgotten already that
ness: assisted by Rosalie Swedlin, his Perhaps this glimpse into the news- when killers are finished with the prey
agent at Creative Artists Agency, room, this feeling of being made at hand, they always turn to you?...
Frank and his best pal Rafael Yglesias privy to an in-house newsletter, was J ews of Israel. I cup my car. This is
have just signed a contract to write a the brainchild of huggable editor-for- the rime co show Iraqi sufferers. chat .

romantic comedy for the screen, called hire Adam Moss. Moss, his very you are closer co them than many of
Everyone a Critic. Witchel's un-Times- youthfulness an emblem of nature's their brothers, and will cry out
¡an behavior is of a more professional rebirth in spring, has lately been hoy- against their own Hitlers." Amazing,
nature: On Stage, and Off, her column ering around the Sports department, but in the course of a single column
in Fridays Weekend section, has de- domain of the recently rehired Neil Rosenthal manages to trivialize two
veloped into a knowing, refreshingly Amdur. Amdur, bucking the new heinous, horrifying circumstances
bracing narrative of the snippy, high- spirit of che Times, finds Moss annoy- the Holocaust and the persecution of
strung, behind-the-scenes goings-on ing and resents having him around. destitute Iraqi Kurds and Shiites
in the theater world. It's such a good Moss will soon be moving on, howev- with shrill, l)ractically senseless prose
read, its a wonder the Times prints it. er. His next mission: to create a Sun- that one feels guilty about laughing
The Sports section, hitherto of the day Metro section modeled on 7 Days. at. Sadly, it seems the old fellow just
same quality as that of, oh, say, the The Times will have a rough time can't help himself: the news clerk who
Chattanooga News-Free Press, has also holding on to its elfin protégé, answers Rosenthal's phone has been
improved and lightened up. The Sun- thoughhe has boasted of having ordered by Abe's trouble and strife,
day before the Times unveiled its new, been besieged with job offers for the bosomy dirty-book writer Shirley
expanded, chockablock-with-comput- everything from position at Ran- Lord, to say, "The former executive
er-graphics Sports pages, the paper in- dom House to die New York ed icor- editor of The Neu' York Times is not
cluded a special pullout promotional ship of Playboy. in -J.]. Hyn.cecker

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JUNE 1991 SPY 23
 /\/;'k0
The 1JSIII1 Suspects
'Iirne: che present. Place: the White House. Mar-
ters ol grave consequence were under discussion.
George Bush passcd a note to che vice president.
"How do you titillate an ocelot?" the note read.
'You oscillate her tir a lot!' Not quite stupid
enough for you Well, just a ycar after Dan
Quayle purchased an anatomically exagg(ratcd
statuette in Chile, Bush no' has his very own piece
ofsmucty lolk art. Bushs COCS by way oía visirin
Third 'X"orld dignitary who, upon his arrival at tue
White House, gave he president a small wooden
table whose base is a carved representation
of a man with a large erect penis. At
first Bush chose ro display the gift in
the Oval Office, but then he hit
upon the z;en funnier idea of placiiig
the table in his executive bathroom.
Lately he has taken vast pleasure in
ordcrin aides, ParticularlY fema!'
ones, Do me a favo and ,«t those p.e -
perc I left on the table i/i ¡he bathroom.
2 ii__1
.
The \Valt Disney Company alread ha
reputation for autocratic control
and micromanagement (see page
36), but a federal lawsuit filedand set -
tied out of courtin April by Hensoi
Associates accused Disney of fraud
and trademark infringement in using
Kermit the Frog and other Henson
characters without a license after
negotiations for a Disney-Henson
merger disintegrated last winter.
What the suit didn't provide was
any of the curious details of those
(loomed negotiations. Disney, for
instance, wanted the contract to
guarantee that none ofJim Hen-
son's five children would ever creat
anything "Mupperhike," a stipulatie
24 SPYJUNt 19<)1
c;
Lt ha(l dOzens of lavyers trying to pin
(lOWfl that term (one attempt: "any
ho.ly-eyed creature with a
friendly disposition"). Disney also
sought a contractual assurance
that Sesame Street, which is pro-
duced independently of Henson,
ould never broadcast any skits paro-
-- dying Disney executives. When
most of the deal poiflts had been
settled, the Disney team repeatedly walked our of
IlCgC)( ia( iOnS en masse. Less than 24 hours after
su)rming Our of one meeting, Disney chairman
Michael Eisner and COO Frank Wells sum-
tnoned the Hensons and their lawyers to
Disneys boardroom in the middle of the
iiight. The 1-fenson forces arrived at the
studio, having found their way through
the (lark lot, only to have Eisner and
company stalk OUt after three minutes.
3
NOt even a new salary of several hundred
thotlsan(l dollars a year can check Liz Smiths
rl-,r
'.. '-' 'lnret
, . mcIricc
.', , . ... "a: th OAcit,fI)(( c,n
add larceny to her list of pathologies. This spring
she had the privilege of hobnobbing with real writ-
ers ìt the PEN Mont Blanc Literary Gala. Every
place setting was embellished with not only a name
card but also an expensive s toot Blanc fountain pen.
le culture swells such as Mario Vargas Llosa and
I Getfen milled about, Smith strode over to the
Jesignated for the novelist-poet Brad Leithauser
il I)istance) and filched his pen. Leithauser, see-
ing the crime as it was being committed, con-
fronted Smith, whose seat was not at his
table, and said, Hey. you just took my pen! -j
Smith snapped back, No. I didn't! Leirhaus-
er, insistent, grabbed his gift back. Smith o'
trudged away, surly and unrepentant, in
search ofcelebrities to compliment. )
"Sabu, Set Me Qewrite1ExpIongthesìnister Th Fille Plillt
by Jamie Malanowski
Hussein-Hachette Connection .

To close readers of cerrain publications, the report this spring that Sadclam Hussein
had allegedly invested millions ofdollars in the French company Hachette S.A. (pub- t'1 Son of
ushers of American Photo, Boating and cycle, among others) came as no surprise. For Not long ago, President
months they'd been detecting chilling evidence of the Butcher of Baghdad's hand: Bush nominated Tony
Hope, an insurance-corn-
"The enemy may be arrayed around rows when your enemy is equipped with pony executive and the
us. .but take heart. There also are forces
. assault rifles. " Car ana' Driver, March son of Bob Hope, to serve
for good at work in our world. There are as head of the National
"[Corvette ZR-i vs. Porsche 91 1 Turhol
people and organizations striving to keep is a territorial dispute, a grudge match Indian Gaming Commis-
the fires of automotive interest burning sion. The commission is
between two longtime enemies deter-
bright,
"
people striking blows for fair- mined to dominate one anotherand de- charged with regulating
ness. Car and Driver, January 1991 termined to gain control of the turf they certain types of garn-
"Noise-induced Hearing Loss can result have fought over for years.' blingbingo, poker
though not casino garn-
from a single loud noisea firecracker, for Car and Driver, April bling. When the Senate
example, or gunshot. . . . Even the home is "Muslim women have rinsed their hair held confirmation hear-
no safe haven. "Woman's Day, January 15
with henna for centuries." Elle, April ings, Hope acknowledged
'I discovered just how much I loved this Marshall Se/Ia that he had no gambling
expertise, but as for his
great vast country of In-
because it was mine,
I ou;ned it. " Car and dion life, he took a
Driver. March
Topsy-titivy backseat to no
one: "Although
"The thrill of chasing I'm not an Indian,
another pilot across my personal and
che sky, proving your professional back-
skills with stick, rud- ground make me
der and throttle, is empathetic to the
undeniable." condition of the
Indians. . . .1 grew
Flying, March
up in southern
"The lyrics arc... California, riding
filled with war, death, on horseback in
and devil images mountains and
but I don't care. I lis- valleys, many of
ten to Slayer not for which have long
enlightenment but since been paved
for intensity." over with our
Stereo Review, March homesites. When I
was a youth, I reg-
"The utter silences, ularly packed food
the constant desert and supplies to
wind, the sky still i 0,000-foot-high
dark purple over- lakes in the High
head. . . . Perhaps this Sierra for a week
is why all the great of fishing. . . .l have
religions began as fished the Gunni-
desert religions. Such son River in Col-
open places open up orado, ventured
the mind." on horseback into
Flying, March the wilds of Wyo-
ming and Canada,
"You can't win a war rofted with my fam-
wich bows and at- ily down. . .the '

JUNE 1991 SPY 25

TIu FINE PRINT CONTINUED
H\/;o' C>'
Salmon River in Idaho,
and even visited at the
casinos owned by the
Cabazon and Morongo
tribes. I have. . .hunted with
Indians in Texas and [here
it comes] con count
Cherokee among my
frIends." Hope was con-
firmed and has so far
served without obvious dis-
tinction or embarrassment.
IIlI Now, as Promised,
the Silver Lining
From Florida comes word
that a Rubicon of sorts
has been crossed in the
world of pitchmanship.
We have grown accus-
tomed to seeing entertc---
ers and athletes endors
products; now Sable
Laboratories of Porn-
pana Beach, the devel-
opers of what they call
the Hair Farming Sys-
tem, have broken the
mold and auditioned
as their celebrity
spokesman a former
Middle East hostage.
Frank Reed, a school
administrator, was a
hostage in Lebanon
from i 986 until
i 990 and suffered
much abuse and pri-
votion. He also lost
his hair. When Sable
announced it was
searching for a "bald
leading man" to rep-
resent its product in
commercials, the 58-year-
old Reed stepped forward.
"I don't know if Frank will
be the main spokesman,"
Jacqueline Sabal, the
company's owner, has
confessed. "I'd prefer Julio
Iglesias or Frank Sinatra."
For his part, Reed ex-
plained his willingness to
cooperate by saying, "I'm
not sure where I belong
now. I need to get on
26SPYJUNE 1991
The Rules of Suhiracilou
American Psycho:
Many great works of literature The Sernibowdlerízed Edition
owe as much to the guiding
hand of an editor as they do to any muse. For instance, Ezra Pound altered The Waste
Land of T. S. Eliot, then a pretentious young narcissist, beyond recognition, cutting
away tedious lists ofobscure foreign words and lengthy digressions on music and Indi-
an philosophy. In much the same way, Sonny Mehta, editor in chief of Alfred A.
Knopf, altered Anerican Psychoa work by another pretentious young narcissist, Bret
Easton Ellisslashing tedious lists ofobscure foreign designers names and lengthy di-
gressions on music and grooming products. Exactly what did Mehta do Exactly this:
In the original man- gash reference to provide a Bateman works has been
i .
uscript, the protagonist, bit of in-group literary ca- changed from Lehman
Patrick Bateman, has a chet, but bis editor appar- Brothers, an actual corn-
colleague named Ted Alla- ently disagreed. pany, to Pierce & Pierce,
gash. Tad Allagash, of which is the fictional firm
course, is a colleague of the where Sherman McCoy
Original manuscript: 'Price
.rpols Ted Allagash who is works in The Bonfire of the
'gainsi the rails in Vanities. Perhaps Ellis's
he room, wearing a editor felt chat a gratu-
-breasted wool tuxe- itous literary reference to
i wing collar cotton the work of a respected,
rr/from Paul Smith, commercially successful
bow tie and dim- author (Tom Wolfe) was
nerbund from Rain- more effective than a gra-
bow Neckwear, tuitous literary reference
diamond studs to che work of a vaguely
fr orn Trianon, embarrassing writer who
patent leather and doesn't sell books any-
grosgrain pumps more (Mclnerney).
by Ferragamo and
an antique Ham- 3. American Psycho contains
litan watch from three chapters devoted to
Saks ...... analyzing the rock lyrics
of, respectively, Genesis,
Published version: Whitney Houston, and
Price spots Ted Huey Lewis and the News.
[adison leaning In the published version,
ainst the railing in the lyrics themselves have
he back oft/ie room, been omitted.
earing a double-
breasted wool tuxedo. a 4. One reference to the
ulug-col/ar cotton shirt from dead photographer Weegee
Paul Smith, a bow tie and was dropped from the
protagonist in Bright cummerbund from Rainbow original version, while a
Lights, Big City, the one Neckwear, diamond studs from mention of the living pho-
good and successful book Trianon, patent-leather and tographer Cindy Sherman
by Ellis's friend Jay Mcm- grosgrain pumps by Ferra- remains.
erney. Mehta changed Ted gamo añd an antique Hamil-
Allagash to Ted Madison ton watch from Saks ...... Original manuscript: "A
in the edited version of round nineteenth-century
American Psycho. Ellis no 2. The name of the invest- Russian dining table sat in
doubt intended the Alla- ment firm where Patrick a room adjacent to the a+
 ROTISSERIE® AFTER JUNE 30, THE TEENAGi MUTANT
Ninja Turtles will still be fiCtitious annoy-
ances, the Ku Klux Klan will still be a
scary organization, Kim Basinger will still
LEAGUE LIFE be a sexpot, Donald Trump will still be a
greedy tycoon (well, greedy, any-
way), and youa veteran, know!-
edgeable news watcherwi!l .

'
still be able to predict how
Thìs Is YOUr often these folks will be in the ¿,
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news, But something will
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-I,;;;n- grabbing ability will no
Last Chance! longer offer you the chance to win
big bucks and show off your prognosticat-
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The season's alifiost over!!
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PLUS: Want to know how your score stands up against the 208 Ted Kennedy 41 1 LAPD GET-RICH-QUICK 904 Mel Gibson
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FICTITIOUS ANNOYANCE 502 congressional ethics 703 own the 61m rights Claudia Schiffer
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301 Agent Dale COElper 503 BilI Cosby 910 Andie MacDowell
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302 Freddy Krueger 504 health care 704 900" phone lines 91 L Kim BasingerlAlec
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303 Mickey Mouse 505 NATO 705 Simplesse Baldwin
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ADDITIONAL MINUTE.
THE FINE PRINT CONIINUEO
with the commercial as-
pect of my life."
Tales from
the Dark Side
lt mciv be the sheer r-ûunk-
,
mess that appeals to us,
but we would find it
difficult not to be im-
pressed with any mago-
zine that places opposite
its masthead an ad from
the Law Enforcement Sat-
ellite Training Network
that shows a facehalf fe-
male, half skulland
poses the question "Do
you have any unidentified
remains?" We, of course,
don't (apart from some
gelatinous material in an I
Can't Believe lt's Not But-
ter container ¡n the back
of the refrigeratorwe're
pretty sure that's food,
though), but that doesn't
ímc rrm rrirlirri rirt
appreciating The Amen-
can Journal of Forensic
Medicine and Pathology.
The magazine is full of
sensible tips. For example
o team of pathologists
from Strasbourg, France,
took up the problem of
how to perform toxicologi-
cat analyses on putrefied
cadavers, given that the
blood and urine have
evaporated or been
drained off. Their solution:
study the fly larvae that
have attached themselves
to the corpses. The au-
thors discuss at length
working with Piophiki
casei, "the well-known
'cheese-skipper.'"
There is also interest-
ing correspondence. "I
certainly enjoyed," Dr.
William Ober of the Medi-
cal Examiner's Office of
Bergen County, New Jer-
sey, begins his letter, sun-
nily enough, "your recent
article on anorectal
28SPYjUNE 1991
,\l//o7 C?1
Psycho (continued)
kitchen bia water). The great bulk of lished American Psycho
had no chairs.
Spooky photographs by WeeGee Mehta's editing consisted contains 32 substantial
and Cindy Sherman lined the of deleting these brand- editing changes. Curious-
(va/ls everywhere." name references. An odd 'y, aside from the omitted
choice, given that these rock lyrics, che second half
Published version: "A details are purportedly of the book contains only
rwiid nineteenth-century Rus- the point of the entire two very minor changes.
sian e/iniu)g table sat in a book: according to public- Long, mind-numbing lists
rooiui adjacent to the Aitchen. of nouvelle menu items
ity material, American Psy-
but had no chair.c. Spookj' cho is supposed to be "a and European designers
photographs by Cindy Sher- black comedy,' a "subtle like those trimmed from
ui/an liuzed the ¡ea/ls every- send-up of the blatant be- the first half of the manu-
where." havior of the eighties," and script have been left intact
Ellis himself claims that in che second haiL Maybe
5. Bcsides the drawn-our, the novel is about "spirito- it is a kind of postmoclern
deadpan scenes of hideousal...malaise," demon- jest, the ingenious Knopf
strated by the protago-
violence, Ellis's original editor's creation of a sub-
manuscript is noteworthy nis(s penchant for tie literary diptych. Or
for its long, repetitive lists "minute, numbing detail maybe after beginning
the task diligently,
of stylish fashion designers about everything he owns,
i
(Giorgio Armani was ong- everything he wears, ev- Mebta got to page 187
inally mentioned 50 times) enything lie eats." and, feeling a little grog-
and menu items (16 refer- gy, gave up.
ences to San Pellegrino The first half' of the pub- Jonaiha',ì Napack
---------1
.
1oroIIio ¡o Our Jie
;
"An elegant literary achievement."
)
George E Will on Henry Kissinger's The White Ho,use Years
: "A delight."
Kissinger on Will's The Pursuit ofVirtue & Other Tory Notions
_______
"When a scholar of John Kenneth Gaibraith's immense sagacity has a tale to tell, it is time
to put away our toys, sit quietly and attend with great care."
Harbara Ebrenreicli on John Kenneth Gaibraith's A Tenured Professor
"Very satisfying!"
Galhraith on Ehrenreich's The Worst Years ofOuir Lives
"This is a stirring book."
Richard l:Qr(l Joyce Carol Oates's I
()fl Lock 114y Door Upon Myself
"Beautifully imagined and crafted stories."
Oates on Ford's Rock Springs
"I know of no other writer who is at once so funny and so unsparing; one of the most astute
observers of American ways and personal muddle."
Diane Johnson on Francine Prose's Bigftot Dreams
"Brilliant....From the opening sentence one feels a shiver of menace."
l'r()SC Ofl )ohnsons Persian Howard Kaplan
Nights
 _____- .____
t

"Apil Yet You tafi Fiu SeIíiffluiìuhatiofl ¡O the

Dictiooary"
Performance Art's All-stars Define What Exactly ft Is They Do
Most people with a grade-school education could ex- that's not quite a concert, not quite a play and often
plain dance or sculpture or, for that matter. Oh. Kay! But not quite worth $17. Stumped in our efForts to
few of us have the facility with language to explain what straightforwardly define this art formwe kept mak-
performance art is. We do know char when we take a cab ¡ng roo-liberal use of the terms multimedia, monologuist,
to the East VilIaze, pay $17 and v'e" Iiirirn p,,,h,i.t;r . nA r,,,,.,neatsPY PUt the task to actual
staircase into a "performance spac icid. We asked them, How woíild
we're about to see sornechin ormance art Io an eight-year-old?

Performance-Art Expert: Angel- formance artists. Some guy told

¡ka Festa, NYU doctoral stu-
dent who explores "pain work";
once bound herself to a pole sus-
pended above the floor in an ar
gallery and remained there, with
ver tape over her eyes, for 24 hour
Definition: "I would never speak dc
to an eight-year-old. J wouldn't ti
to explain it, because they're doing
Kids' games are all about the themes
that performance art wants to ad-
dress: 'Who am P Why dO I not
have any power? Why is it so painful
to be alive?"
Performance-Art Expert: Martha Wil-
son, founder-director of the Franklin
Furnace, a major New York museum
and performance space
Definition: ' lt's like pornography. . . .1
know it when I sec ir."
Performance-Art Expert: Brian
Rouch, aka Harry Kipper, former
member of Kipper Kids, a perfor-
mance-art troupe; was once married
to Karen Finley; appears onstage
dressed only in his underwear and a
baby's bib and tells Bible stories
using stuffed animals and a dollhe
strangles the doll, then whips him-
seliwith a cat-o'-nine-cails
Definition: "People always point their
finger at performance artists and say
they're a bunch of sickos. But we're
not the ones who are sick. I think
it's just the opposite."
a Performance-Art Expert: Linda Mon-
rano, who spent an entire year tied to
e
fellow performance artist Techhing
Hsieh by an eight-foot-long rope
Bogosian Sprinkle Anderson
Definition: "Recipe for making a per-
formance: ( i ) Take what has been
bothering you your whole life; (2) re-
member what you love to do more
than anything else; (3) in private, act
out with abandon and ecstasy until
reaching the issue that is bothering
you; (4) use sound, movement,
movies, video, slides, puppets, food,
masturbation, costumes, mirrors;
(5) repeat this action until you have
transformed what is bothering you
into the beauty of truth; (6) if you
are in need of witnesses, invite
friends to your house and erform
the action for them without expect-
ing applause; (7) whenever an obsta-
ele or knot appears in your life, take
care of ir, and appreciate its pres-
ence, for it will move ro alchemy."
Performance-Art Expert: Ellen Stein-
berg, aka Annie Sprinkle, former
porn actress who, in her current
stage show, discusses her sexual his-
tory and invites the audience to view
her cervix through a speculum
Definition: "When I started having
sex, I wasn't a performer yet. But all
that time, sex was my art. J realized
it later when I met a couple of per-
me 1 was really a performance
artist. I said, 'What's that?' He
kinda told me, but I don't re-
riember what he said. To me, it's
perimenting with life in a fairly
eptable way."
formance-Art Expert: Laurie An-
.son, who has released five al-
bums of enervating, Sprechgesangy
music; has mounted several multi-
media stage shows, one of which be-
came a concert film; has publicly
played her violin while wearing ice
skates, the blades of which were em-
bedded in blocks of ice
Definition (provided on the condition
thai spy not "twist and pervert this and
make fun of" her): "I never had any
idea what it was, which is why I
enjoy doing it so much."
Performance-Art Expert: Eric Bo-
gosian, who has written and per-
formed several well-received one-
man shows, among them Sex. Drugs,
Rock & Roll and Drinking in America,
and the play Talk Radio; calls himself
a monologuist (which, he says, is
different from a performance artist)
Definition: 'You know, making fun
of performance artists is like David
Letterman calling up old people
and making fun of them because
they're halfdeaf. There will be mis-
takes. Most artists are not good, and
anything can he stupid. But some-
times something blooms out of it
that's inspirational. Performance art
is a naive form of theater made by
visual artiststhat's as close as I can
get to it." Constam'e Adler

---.-

JUNE 1991 SPY 29

THE FtNE PRINT CONTINUED
trauma... .The pho-
tographs are superb. I
thought I had seen my fair
share of such traumas,
but I hod never heard of
gerbiling or using mice.
What won't they think of
next?" Ober goes on to
describe his first en-
counter with a foreign ob-
jed in a patient's bowel,
an item that X rays re-
vealed to be an eight-
inch-long screwdriver.
"When I. . .asked [the pa-
tientj how it had gotten
there," Ober writes, "he
replied, 'Gee, i must hove
sat on
What won't they think
of next? In a report enti-
tied "Xenolingual Auto-
eroticism," the authors,
three pathologists from
North Carolina, describe o
"29-year-old woman
[who] come to an abor-
tion clinic. . complaining
of missed periods. . . . Upon
examination, a cylindrical
moss was easily recovered
from her vagina. . . .Patho-
T116 SPY List
Vocational Guidance
Jerome Brentar
Chapter Two: Tips General George Brown
for Aspiring Stewardesses
. Pat Buchanan
1_ Tension is best relieved through
effective nut distribution. Hodding Carter III
Roald Dahi
2. The passenger who asks you íor spiritual
advice is a passenger on whom it needs to be Loyal Davis
duties are essentially those
-r
w
impressed that
oía waitress on a very-fast-moving vehicle.
An air hostess eager to document her many
Edgar Degas
Paul de Man
T. S. Eliot
travels never passes up the opportunity to augment her
collection ofmidget soaps and lotions. Henry Ford
4_ Excessive fingernail length is the prime cause of Maria Gibbs
Towelette mishap. John Goelet
5_ No amount of lip gloss can mask inner turmoil. Professor Griff
6 Ascot Puff. Pocket Burst with Clasp Anchor. Neck Jesse Jackson
Wrap. Lapsed Bonnet. Just a taste of the magic that is
Charles Lindbergh
scarf arrangement.
Frederic Malek
7- When distributing oven mitts do much to
create the illusion of heat. H. L. Mencken
Masaaki Nakayama
8. The flight attendant who is excited about the possi-
I
bility of exploring foreign metropolises during lay- Gus Savage
overs is a flight attendant who has not fully considered
Joseph Sobran
the possibility ofspending time in Frankfurt.
i

Jim Wilson
Henry A/ford
logic examination re-
vealed a 7-cm-long, up to
3-cm-diameter, pale-gray I

tissue mass with a corru-

gated to populated mu-
cosol surface and o round-
ed mucoso-covered tip.
The cut surface was mod-
erately firm, homogenous
pale-brown, and appeared
muscular. Light-micro-
scopic examination re-
veoled o gently populated
squamous epithelium sur-
rounding delicately inter-
lacing bundles of skeletal
muscle. . . . Based on this
evidence, further historical
information was elicited,
confirming that the object
was a deer tongue used
for masturbation."
The Journal hos also
featured a study of 398 -. ..

casino-related deaths
TELEPTHLc Pe Rsc-r-
3OSPYJUNE 1991
 I\I2eo' C)'
The SPY Interview: lee EiseDher Oh, to Be In England,
Now That Our Favorite 36-Inch-High Editor Is There
Jr seems remarkable that the British male survived almost to the end of the twentieth century without a U.K. edi-
non of Esq#ire. During three years as editor in chief in New York, Lee Eisenberg steered Esquire to the enviable
point where criticism was pretty much unnecessary: each issue served as its own ready-made companion parody
issue. lt was, if nothing else, space-saving. Surely Eisenberg could perform the same miracle in Londo&
For those who missed out on the exciting launch three months ago of British Esquire, we have cobbled together
a Q&A with Eisenberg. All his quotes are from interviews with the British press; our questions have been added.
Unfair? Not at all. Weve made certain that this is one man youre hearing at his best.
Lee. is this any 11711e to start a magazine? But hou'sorr you were about to say something. ...
Maybe the economic moment is not good, but we What is the intersecting point chat makes a Saul Bel-
are convinced that the social and cultural moment is low story coexist with a fashion page?. . .There is a point
right. British men are prepared for a civilizing and en- at which the two cross. When the fashion pictures are
lightening magazine. of. . . the same compassion and insight. . .as a Saul Bellow
novel. [For example,) we did a fashion spread on the
Nou aside from its need to become civilized and enlightened,
White Shirt, and we used as models about six or eight
uìhy does Britain need Esquire specifically?
black men from Mississippi, just ordinary guys who
We've heard a great dealmostly constructive were very, enormously, handsome men. . . .The pages
from women and the feminist movement, but what
came offwith a sort of humanistic power.
men are about has not really been given voice to.
So your concern ii, in a zm,rd, men.
We hear you. Men have been oppressed long enoughdamn
[We) will also care about women, because men care
longand are now ready to have their views put forth.
about women. . . . Esquire can in no way be accused of
lt's not that we ever relinquich&1 -

power to feminismthat w meit's just too enlightened.

jokebut we nevertheless k
mouths shut. . . .The time ha
now for a reply.
We're beginning to understand u'i
cal/s for a magazine. Still. any
reasons why we need another Esqui
There ought to be a magazin
reflect what men [are] think i
about in a spiritual way and n
just in a material way. So far, n
magazine, or anything, for thai
matter, has been able to put into
words what this male experi-
ence is about and what it has
made us into. [Our readers]
are, in the best sense of the
word, men, and not in the
process of becoming men.
So your plan is
knou'-her_plumbing article you ran in
the States last year? Thai was-
-a positive, sincere attempt
to teach men. They should know
about the plumbing.
Okay. Before we finishwe noticed
you removed that paisley scarf when
nr photographer arrived. What gives?
I don't want people to think I'm
441eaP,i4
e kinda guy that wears scarves in
..
.
taurants ....... ve not tried to be-
°'/4efi,
. 6"-m6 ,,
e some kinda refined English-like
acter.
bQ//.47,k/
"4
'e not? Maybe a little bit. Last ques-
'hats your secret?
at does an editor do but see some-
nhen walking down the Street,
IP tO the light, turn it round a !it
LIC 4IIU Lome up with an insight?

is to say that " hey, we have all been through cer-

You're too modest. Surely not every editornot
tain things, and we have strong writers and journalists
who can put into words the drama of the experience." evemy magazinecan do this quite so distinctively.
Very few magazines, either here or in the U.S., have
Even if some of that strong writing must necessarily be about soul. They stem from marketing ideas, not vision.
scruffing lotion and socks.
So you and Esquire are in Britain becau.re...
We don't have anything against style, but we want
There is research to suggest that we are not crazy.
to suggest that there is a beating heart beneath the
surface, not just an undershirt.... George Kalogerakis

JUNE 1991 SPY 31

THE LNE PRINT CONTINUtD
¡n Atlantic City between
l9S2and 1986. The
wide-ranging investigation
included these findings:
only i percent of the
deaths were homicides;
83 percent were from car-
dioc arrest; a dispropor-
tionately high number of
deaths occurred in Octo-
ber, January and May; a
disproportionately high
number occurred between
2:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m.;
only one of the victims
had been brought to At-
lantic City in a limousine;
and one of the principal
problems affecting the ¡n-
vestigation of casino-rekit-
ed deaths is that "hotel
employees and/or prosti-
tutes" frequently con-
fiscate any drugs or alco-
hoi that were at the scene
of the death before inves-
tigators arrive. The article
also describes studies that
have found that the aver-
age gambler "is a
30- to 39-year-old,
Jewish- or Italian-
American, white
man of above-aver-
age or superior in-
telligence, who is
successful, strongly
competitive, friend-
'y, rebellious, and
superstitious with a
high energy level
and suffers from
feelings of mode-
quacy [and who is)
immature, compul-
sive and volatile...
demand(s) immedi-
ate gratification
and cannot tolerate
boredom." Intolera-
ble boredom,
screwdrivers, deer
tongues: we're just
forensic-medicine
buffs, but o larger
pattern seems to be
developing here. )
L
32SPYJUNE 1991
June Datehook
Events Upcoming Ulysses. "We're
thinking of turning
i The presidency of turns 50. the East Village
the United Nations 7 The annual into Dublin for the
Security Council ro- Kate Smith day," says organizer
tates to Ambassador Convention Helena Mulkerns.
Amara Essy of Côte featuring Kate Okay, but it sounds
d'ivoire, the world's Smith movies, overambitious to
leading producer of Kate Smith ushow are they
cocoa; scandal recordings, Kate going ro make the
erupts a few days Smith memora- East Village seem
later when the billa and oiga- convincingly
council's other nized visits to the Grand Army Plaza. blighted, litter-
members discover Bensonhurst resi- strewn, self-roman-
dirigible-esque
dents, furious, de- ticizing and overrun
their forged signa- singer's
tures on a resolu- clare themselves an
mausoleumgets by paupers?
tion authoriz- under way in independent duchy 17 Mario Cuomo re-
ing, "for reasons il , Lake Placid, under the soy- iterates that he has
of interna- - New York. ereignty of Tony no plans to run, and
donaI se- , 9 L.A. Law's Danza. no plans to make
curity," Jimmy Smits is 16 The Irish café plans. All three
the pur- crowned King Sin-é, located on St. local network affili-
chase of of Brooklyn at Marks Place, hosts a ates lead off their
12 million the ninth annual Bloomsday reading six &clock news-
Toblerone bars. Welcome Back to of passages from casts with his an-
2 Charlie Watts Brooklyn Festival; J ames Joyce's nouncement.
19 Pauline Kael ccl-
ebrates her 72nd
birthday, her first in
retirement. In her
Blurb- o-Mat diary she writes
Capsule Reviews fondly of Stephen
Schiffs gift of
by Walter Monhe1V1', shortbread squares
the Movie Publicist's Friend ("reserved, di-
gestiblelike
SHA11'ERED, starring Tom Berenger, Greta Scacchi, Joanne Whalley- zwieback but
Kilmer (MGM-Pathé) Pf*f'
without
Walter Monheit says. " Ooof! Wafly ' WhaHey-Kilmer, and Scacchi is unfor-
zwieback s
Greta-hIe! Now, here's a couple of pieces I wouldn't mind picking up!"
fussiness
anddi-
SOAPDISH, starring Kevin Kline, Sally Field, Whoopi Goldberg ..
(Paramount) PDf dacti-
Walter Monheit says, "Hit the showers, WarrenKevin's makin' Whoopi,
and your Shampoo looks milder than a paimful of Prell! Hubba-dub-dub!" E?uss
....
DUTCH, starring Ed O'Neil, JoBeth Williams (20th Century Fox) pç
Walter Alonheit says, "Read my tulips, friends: you can take a pal, take a
Bundt cake
date or even Van Gogh it alonebut whatever you do, go Dutch!"
as "crumbly and
ROCKETEER, starring Bill Campbell,Jennifer Connelly (BuenaVista) amateurish. He
%Valter Is1onheit says. "One small step for Bill, one giant leap for li'l makes you want to
Jento the dais, to meet Oscar! NASAmazing!" ring him up on the
telephone and
What the monocles iean: excel/vu: indisputably a dassk yell, 'Sift!")
--

a [oser Takes All,
- To the victor go the spoits, unless yo«re a Republican. Quid pro quo appointments to defeated
party loyalists are nothing new (Ambassadors Lodge and Scranton, Vice President Rockefeller),
but lately this tradition ofpresidential payback appears to have kicked into high gear. The surest
I
I
way to advance in the Grand Old Party these days may be to go down in flames at the polls.
Bill Brock: Lost Senate
seat (Tennj, 1976.
Appointed Republican
National Committee
chairman, 1977;
U.S. trade representative,
1981; secretary of
Labor, 1985.
James Baker: Lost race for
Texas attorney general,
1978. Appointed White
House chief of staff, i 98 1;
secretary of the Treasury,
1985; secretary of State,
1989.
Margaret Heckler: Lost
House seat (Mass.), I 982.
Appointed secretary of
Health and Human
what's 111 a Name?
Our Periodic
Anagram AnaIysis
PITRlOT MISSILE
MIIITARST POSE
PERSIIN GULF
SPRANG FUEL
BAGHDAD VERSUS RIYADH
BUSH HAD ADVERSARY, DIG?
THE COMMUNIST PARTY
UPSET ROMANTIC MYTH
JUDGE SOUTER
GEE JUST DOUR
DAVID HACKETT SOUTER
O VAST, UTTER DICKHEAD
THE GAMBINO FAMILY
THY AILING MOB FAME
POLICE CHIEF DARYL GATES
HEY ACT! FIRE SO-CALLED PIG
Andy Aaron
e OP
Way
Services, 1983;
ambassador to
Ireland, 1985.
Edward Derwinski: Lost
House seat (Ill.), 1982.
Appointed undersecretary
ofState, 1987; secretary of
Veterans Affairs, 1989.
Mack Mattingly: Lost
Senate seat (Ga.), 1986.
Appointed NATO
assistant secretary general
(Defense Support), 1987.
James Ahdnor: Lost Senate
seat (S.Dak.), 1986.
Appointed administrator,
Small Business
Administration, 1987.
ILtTLENÖN 7
LSZECHUA
_r C..OLLECTOR'S
CH%CKEN
.
4
Peter Gambaccini
Jack Kemp: Lost Illinois, lost Senate race,
presidential nomination, 1990. Appointed secretary
1988. Appointed secretary ofLabor, 1991.
of Housing and Urban
Development, 1989. Bob Martinez: Lost
gubernatorial seat (Fia.),
Edward Madigan: As 1990. Appointed director
congressman from Illinois, of Office of National Drug
lost race for House Control Policy ('drug
minority whip, 1989. czar"), 1991.
Appointed secretary of
Agriculture, 1991. George Bush: Lost Senate
race(Tex.), 1970.
Patricia Saiki: As Appointed ambassador to
congresswoman from UN, 1970; RNC
Hawaii, lost Senate race, chairman, 1973; American
1990. Appointed SBA envoy to China, 1974;
administrator, 1991. CIA director, 1976. Lost
presidential nomination,
Lynn Martin: As 1980. Appointed to
congresswoman from Republican ticket, 1980.)
DISHESJ
£
UNPLEASA?4T
CA\(ES
SALVA C'ED
Rce s.op
FtVEExuSS
4
)UNE 1991 SPY 33
 \I.i
-- ----__-
Dauces with Ooofballs

1f you've managed to avoid Dances With Wo1zie so far, you're not out of
thc: woods yet. In early fallaround the time Upper West Side fans
retire their new fringe jackets to mothballsit will appear on video-
cassette. Next (it has been threatened) comes a TV miniseries or an ex-
panded video version of an already overlong film. All of which we'd be
a lot happier about if Kevin Costner would only step forward and ac-
knowledge that Dances With Wolns is nothing more than a remake
ola seminal TV series from his own youth. Let's look at the facts.
DANCES WITH WOLVES l)uring the Civil War,
handsome young Union officer John
Dunhar (Costner), dazed from a foot )4
'
wound and feeling suicidal. charges .

entrenched Confederates. He
miraculously survives, and the Union ¿'
forces, inspired by what they mistake for
heroism, rally and defeat the rebels. .
g -
F TROOP I)uring the Civil War, handsome -
-

VUfl Union officer Wilton Parmenter (Ken

Berry), tangled in his reins during an allergy attack, charges attacking
Confederates. He miraculously survives, and the Union forces,
inspired by what they mistake for heroism, rally and defeat the rebels.
DANCES WITH WOLVES I)unhar is rewarded with command ola fort out
west. lJpoI) entering the territories, the young occr is shocked to
find crazy Major Fambrough (Maury Chaykin).
F TROOP Parmenter is rewarded with command ola (rt out west.
entering the territories, the young officer is shocked to find
Ll)()fl

crazy Corporal Agarn (Larry Storch).

DANCES WITH WOLVES After cleaning up his fort, I)unhar (lccidcs he
w I rfldke contact with the presumably hosti IC I ud RLflsUfl(l linds the
i

triendl', peace-k)ving and warm.

JO1lX

F TROOP After tryiIi to clean up his fort, Parmeriter decides he will

make contact with the presumably hostile Indiansand finds the
Hekawi friendly, peace-loving and a laff riot.
DANCES WITH WOLVES Expected to fight his Indian pals, I)unbar sides
vìtli the Sioux against the U.S. Army.
F TROOP Expected to fight his ludian pi1s Parmenrer and the kooky
tIX)l)CtS cook up schemes with the I Ickawi to fool the U.S. Arrn.
DANCES WITH WOLVES Way out in the wilderness, Dunhar is lucky
enough to hiìd romance with Stands With a Fist (Ì'Iary 1cl)unnell)
a lovely, Lakoa-speaking, buckskin-wearing white woman.
F TROOP Way out in the wilderness, Parmenter is lucky enough to

lind romance with Wrangler Jane (Melody Pawerson)a lovely, two-

fisted, buckskin-wearing white woman.
DANCES WITH WOLVES Acclaimed as motion-pictu re masterpiece,
sweeps Oscars, earns millions.
F TROOP Mocked by critics, ignored by Emmys, canceled after two
seasons. 13,1/ F/aìata,ì

SPYJUNE 1991
 ri
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A decade ago Walt Disney Productions was in decline, old-fashioned, a jokeits situation,
in short, not unlike that of a certain North American superpower. But under the smart, smiling
control of Michael Eisner, Disney has undergone a renaissance, and everyone is happy there.
Always. So we got to wondering, Hey why not put those guys ¡n charge of the whole show?
JAMIE MALANOWSKI (who clearly has been reading too much David Halberstam lately) looks ahead and

imagines what happened

Disney
lan
A Speculative History of the Near Future

keys and return to the main house,

DAWN CAME UP GRUDGINGLY IN
Wyoming on that fateful December
day in 1992, scratching only a few
roseate streaks into the leaden sky
abovejim Bakers ranch. Most of the
members of the presidential hunting
party who had come co the secretary
of States Pinedale ranch for a post-
reelection celebration were hoping
that the president, George Bush, complaints about harsh conditions
would soon tire of firing at wild tur-
where the working vacation might
proceed in greater comfort. Still, those
closest to Bushand they were all
close to Bush, he was that kind of Despite a still-sluggish economy,
man, it was impossible to work beside
him and not somehow grow close to
him, he was that fundamentally
likableknew that such hopes were
in vain. The president, hale and
hearty at age 68, and always an en-
thusiast for the outdoors, had tended
since the GulfWar of 1991 to dismiss
with a wave of his hand. Don't think
about it, he would say. Got the love of the
American people to keep me warm. In-
deed, that appeared to be true.
global tensions and persistent domes-
tic problems, those American people
had, just 34 days before the hunting
party began plowing across the
rutted, snowy hills beyond the Baker
family compound, reelected George
Bush by the largest majority in the his-
tory of the republic.
"Had George Bush lived;' wrote his
press secretary, Marlin Fitzwater, in
JUNE 1991 SPY 37
 his memoir ofhis \Vhitc
They Cal/Ale ìsrloiíthpiece, The death of President Bush threw the
Eisner's first innovation
House service, "he would have been our greatest was to replace tollbooth nation into turmoil. Although some critics
president. As we sat on the hood of a Range attendants with Audio. sharply contended that a president's killer
Rover that day; waiting for a flock of turkeys Animatronic characters. shouldnt replace his victim in office, no one
to roost, he told me his plans for rh future. formally challenged the legitimacy of Quayle's
Yknov Marlin, maybe were hitting Domestic Agenda ascension. and lie was sworn in. Ofcourse, the bigger
time. Ought to take a whack at this whole permanent- question was, what would happen next? By law Quayle
underclass thing. Poverty. Education. The ecology of the would serve just 44 days, untilJanuary 20, 1993, when
environment. Seems like it might be time to back the old the first Bush term was to have officially ended.
boldness truck up to Capitol Hill and punch the dump According to the Federal Election Commission,
button hard. Those were the last words he ever spoke if a president-elect dies before the electoral college
Though no other members of the presidential party can meet, his party is charged with nominating a
saw the pheasant at which then-vice president Quayle replacementwho does not necessarily have to be
said he was shooting, no one seriously believed he had the vice president-elect. Since a full convention could
aimed his Holland & Holland .30-'06 at George Bush not be assembled, the responsibility for selecting
with the intention of inflicting harm. Later some of the a replacement fell to the partys National Committee,
presidents men wished they liad been more careful, that a group of 165 veteran politicos. lt is probable that
they had taken time to scan the snowdusted firs and under other circumstances, the National Committee
locate the elusive bird, in order to put to rest public would have selected the dead incumbenrs chosen
doubts about Quayl&s story. But that vas hindsight. successor. But while the country may have been willing
"You know, your first reaction is to take care of the to put up with the president's accidental killer at 1600
president' John Sununu told a blue-ribbon investigative Pennsylvania Avenue for a few weeks, it would not
Panel after the incident, "and after that, you have to countenance giving Quayle a full, four-year term.
think about the vice president, and getting him to 5tO Consequently, chaos ensued. Within 48 hours, there
blubbering until he can take the oath ofoffice. What seemed to be almost as many candidates as electors.
can I tell you? Pretty much everybody agrees it would No fewer than 13 politicians hoped to avail themselves
have been better if hed hit the hird' of a once-in-a-lifetime shortcut to the White House.

33SPYJLNE 1991
Besides Quayle, the candidates were Secretary Baker,
Defense secretary Cheney, HUD secretary Kemp, Joint
Chiefs chairman Powell, Chief of Staff Sununu, Senators
Dole and Simpson. Congressman Gingrich, Governor
Wilson ofCalifornia, Governor Duke ofLoulsiana, former
Delaware governor Pierre du Pont IV and columnist
Patrick Buchanan. The spectacle of a pack of candidates
clawing for the presidency just as the nation was at its
unsteadiest was unseemly, and commentators condemned
the process as a threat to the legitimacy of the government
itself. This great boil ofa crisis was lanced, astonishingly
enough, by Quayle, who, in a display of magnanimity of
which no one had suspected him capable, suggested a
compromise candidate: a nonpartisan executive to run
the government. Ät this very difficult time, I believe we
need a man of proven leadership ability, a man known
for his creativity a man ofvision, a man who embodies
family values, a man who knows how to make people in
this country and around the world extra happy. Where
might we find such a man? The same place I did
hosting The Disney Sunday Movie on NBC. My fellow
citizens, I nominate Michael Eisner, the chairman and
chief executive officer of the Walt Disney Company'
Q uayle's comment at first provoked chuckles. Then
consideration. Then nodding heads. His statesmanlike
proposal was breathtaking, courageous, inspired. In
no time, the other candidates moved to second his
nominationas did most prominent Democrats.
Practically as one, the nation's political leadership
turned to the 50-year-old entertainment
executive and pleaded for salvation.
MICHAEL EISNER WAS A BIG MAN, BIGGER
than most people, bigger than most people
imagined, with a big imagination and
big enthusiasm for big ideas. And yet he
was not so big as to be unapproachable;
he was amiable and unprepossessing but
authoritative, a man who could wear Mickey Mouse ears
in public good-naturedly and without embarrassment;
he was big hut not frightening; a tiad. He was also a
brilliant businessman. Eisner had taken the reins at
Disney in 1984, when the world-famous company was
in doldrums both financial and creative, and quickly
reenergized the moribund giant, breathing new life into
its core businesses of motion pictures and theme parks,
embarking on the construction of splendiferous hotels
and enchanting resorts, and entering publishing and
other businesses as well. When Eisner took command, a
share of Disney stock sold for $56; since then, its value
had increased eightfold. Under his leadership, the
quiescent animation division had produced The Little
Mermaid; the nascent Touchstone division had produced
Ruthless People and Dead Poets Society and Pretty Woman;
the company had opened the Disney-MGM Studios
Theme Park and complexes outside Tokyo and Paris, and
had become the world's leading patron of architecture;
the exclamation "I'm going to Disney World!" had
become part of the pop lexicon. At every turn, in every
way, Disney was showing verve and making money, and
Eisner was the man who had made it all happen.
When first approached about the presidency of the
United Stares, Michael Eisner hesitated; any fire in his
belly was for the Magic Kingdom, not the White House,
and it burned there still. Moreover, Eisner would have to
take a pay cut, a big one, perhaps as big a pay cut as
any man had ever willingly inflicted upon himself, from
a salary of $750,000, plus bonuses worth millions,
down to $200,000 and franking privileges. He would
also have to sacrifice the possibility ofstock options of
the sort that had earned him $21 million in 1988, since
at that time the U.S. government had not yet devised
procedures to reward its chief executive with stock
options. Although Eisner's name had been floated in
California in discussions of potential gubernatorial
candidates, and though he'd raised funds for such
middle-of-the-road Democrats as Bill Bradley, he was
not a political man. And yet he grasped immediately the
nature of the crisis, knew in his heart that he was the
best hope for a consensus candidate, sensed in his gut
that he was standing at one of those crossroads that
require a man to put aside his personal preferences
and forthrightly grasp the throttle of the great train
of history. After a day spent talking with leaders from
a cross section of American life, after receiving
encouragement from Baker and Cheney and Bradley,
from Barry Diller and Mike Ovitz and David Geffen
and Lew Wasserman, from Herbie Allen and Sid and
Robert Bass and Warren Buffett andJulia Roberts, and
after receiving permission from his wife and sons, he
agreed. And so it came to be that onJanuary 20, 1993,
Michael D. Eisner was sworn in as the 43rd president
of the United States, along with Jeffrey Katzenberg as
vice president.
ier would have to accept a pay
cutfrom $750,000 and
multimillion-dollar bonuses down
to $200,000 and franking privileges
IT CANNOT BE SAID THAT MICHAEL EiSNER HAD HIS
hand held throughout his first year as president. Still,
it was no secret to anyone, least of all him, that the
government's executive power was being exercised by
committee. But that was fine. At the G-7 meetings, at
various summits and legislative conferences, his team
pulled together, and the nation was governed, at least
not palpably worse than usual.
Still, Eisner was dissatisfied. He began to feel limited
in his role, frustrated by the narrow vision of his expert
advisers. Soon he came to believe that the entire American
nation was suffering from a lack of inspiration, from
being governed by presidents equipped with little more
than the cautious advice of experts and the dubious
gleanings of pollsters. There were nights when Eisner's
JUNE 199i SPY 39
wife, Jane, would awaken in the predawn hours and luid
licr husband standing at the window of their I)C(!fl)Olii
iii his bathrobe and Mickey Mouse slippers, staring
across tue \)'hjtc !li)USC lawn toward thc rotunda of tue
Capitol, a nian troul)led, a niaii at odds with Ids own
soul. He would tell her of his frustrations, of having
ideas but no way to implcnient them - so unlike his
days at Disne) when a ihalanx of aidcs would hang on
his every word, waiting to catch the ideas that shot from
his head like sparks from a torch, then rushing oíl to
PUt them in place hel()re thc' cooled. There was one
t)tit)fl Eisner had that UlS inipleniented, a small
one, really, one that WOUld flot have ¿nade any of created a whole new
his old colleagues SO much as hlink. Rep/ace
to//booth attendants on the nalíon higl, ways with
iiidiú-A liilliaIrofliC devices, liC adv ised It woald sa ve
. Harlem into Beatsville,
an eflor/liolls aìiioiinl in ¡ahi;: a,i/ there would he
enlertain,neiI t'allie ijyoîi 115e(/ ei liar/ely (iJ mode/s i?!
the /moih.r. Ì''iuch ro his surprise, someone in the
Tra nsportation Depa rtnient (leveloped a systeni ol state
trarits. and late in the year the robots began to appear
on turnpikes and toll bridges. The flrst ones were nade
(SPYJ1JNt: l')9
to look like American folk heroesDavy Crockett, Pa
Bunyan - hut the idea caught on, and various compan
(foremost atiiong thiCtfl Disney) donated the rights to
characters, tfld Soon t hecane a matter of sonic
aIiittsctiiclit to sec vlio would POP oUt of a tollbooth to
take your iúncy, and the whole program became a
subject of discussion in 'Vashington and the media fir
¿tecks. People marveled that the government 'as able
to (lo something SC) smart and entertaining. Michael
Eisner, oí course, didnt marvel. It was a matter of
crearivit tti(l it was siniple, and he began to wonder
vli' no OflC else in govcrnnicnt seetned to
Eisner
PSSeSS any. His frustrations grew.
kind of urban renewal in December 1993, just about a year into
by turning central his terni, Eisncrs problems 'erc resolved. He
had gone to Orlando to (Icliver a speech, and
a theme park devoted
to black culture.
instead of returning immediately to Washington
he decided to spend the day at 1)isney World.
It was in many respects a homecoming. I-le
van(lered through the \{agic Kingdom, through Mickcy
Starland, through Tomorrowland, relishi ng the
aniusenients and (liS)layS and the happy faces on the
tourists the way a parched man relishes a drink of water.
As night fell be found himself ¡n the I-Lati of Presidents.
There, sitting alone in the theater amid the Audio-
Animatronic models o Washington, Jefferson. Lincoln,
the two Roosevelts, Truman and the others, Eisner felt
the clouds of frustration and confusion begin to lift.
The best of these men had been daring, revolutionary
not timeservers. He concluded that the job hadn't come
to him, in that way and at that time, merely so that he
could act as a caretaker. No. he was there to take charge.
Stepping outside, he could see, in the skies above Epcot,
fireworks igniting the night.
IN EXPLAINING HIS NEW PROGRAMS 'I THE CABINET
and then Congress, Eisner began by recounting his first
days at Disnedaysof disbelief that bordered on
stupetaction. W1.y. ¡he wF.'o(e ¡bing was a ,ness.'
Disney was not exploiting its name, was
not maximizing its profits, was dissipating
its culture of creativity in sequels to The
Love Bag. No longer was Disney investing
in its future; instead, it was just trimming
costs.
Eisner explained that he saw the United States in much
the same way, as a country that was living off its past
and no longer investing in its future. "The government is
bloated, inefficient and poorly managed' Eisner said in
his 1994 State of the Union address. "lt doesn't educate
its children, it doesn't keep its work force competitive
or productive, it doesnt anticipate tomorrow, it doesnt
inspire the confidence of its citizens. Look at voter
participation. Dou'n. Look at respect for government.
Don',,. Look at people's expectations. Down. Look at the
amount of political material comics are doing in their
acts. Up. And yet America maintains fantastic core
assets - its resources, the ingenuity of its people, its
powerall ofwhich would make us an attractive
takeover candidate. You say, 'Well, we're lucky countries
aren't like businesses, lucky we can't be taken over And
I say it is happening. Foreign corporations are taking over
our companies, foreign nations are paying us to fight
their fights.
We can figure out ways to do better Eisner pledged.
Within the month, Eisner initiatives in tax reform were
pushed through; instead of a complicated arrangement
of federal and local taxes with escalating rates, the
government, taking a cue from a policy at Disney
World - admission to all the parks on one combo
ticketcharged all taxpayers a flat 25 percent of their
income, promising that one simple payment would
cover federal, state, local, PICA, the whole deal. And it
did! Then, after years of discussion, electromagnetic-
levitation transit systems were built on Long Island and
in San Diego. And they worked! Then, in order to
improve public morale, fireworks were set off in every
major city on every single Saturday night. And people
were happy! And then the Eisner administration really
went to work. Its accomplishments would be found in
almost every realm:
URBAN
RENEWAL In return for tuition subsidies,
150,000 college students in urban areas were recruited
to become members ofthe Teen Machine, an organization
ofUp With People-ish block watchers that was responsible
for developing a sense of cheerfulness, well.being,
cleanliness and safety. They dressed in bright DayGlo
yellow uniforms, greeted passersby, planted flowers,
and danced and sang. They swept up trash, and they
admonished litterers in a firm but polite, nonthreatening
way. They were taught CPR and summoned police
whenever trouble arose. And though public reaction at
first ranged from skeptical to scornfulJesseJackson
derided the plan as "hokum and bunkum and the ACLU
filed suit to stop the program, claiming that it posed a
threat to an individual's right not to be annoyed - change
was soon evident, as Eisner knew it would be. Eisner
understood the psychology ofDisneyland, understood that
most people craved order and would help enforce it,
that most people would respond to congeniality with
atzen berg explained the
White House's austerity plan
in a 28-page memo that was
leaked to The Washington
Post and, reflexively, Variety
congeniality. Within two years the 'léen Machine program
became self.supporting: spending on police and
sanitation was reduced, and tax revenues increased.
Later, to help law enforcement, funds were made
available for crowd.pleasing mounted police, and a
national closing time of 11:30 p.m. was instituted for
all streets, highways and mass-transit systems receiving
federal funds; local police departments could enforce
this curfew at their discretion.
\XPII.I:ARE
REFORM Under Eisners direction, the
Department of Health and Human Services mandated
that state welfare agencies enlarge the scope of their
responsibilities and do more to prepare their clients to
become self.sustaining. Welfare recipients were now
provided with educational services, job-training and
-placement services, and day care. This approach cost
more in the short run, but Eisner regarded it as a simple
business proposition - paying a little more up front to
avoid paying a lot more later. Besides, he would tell
skeptics, it's just common sense. "Have you seen Cinderella?"
he argued. "Did Fairy Godmother tell Cinderella to come
down to some crummy office and fill out form upon form
in order to get some miserable check? No. Fairy Godmother
provided the dress, the tiara, the coach, the horses, the
footman, the driver and the glass slippersall of the
tools Cinderella would need to give herself a chance to
attain success in a highly competitive environment.
JUNE 1991 SPY 41
 EcoNo1Ic
DEVELOPMENT Under the Eisner administration,
tourism was emphasized. Whenever Eisner visited New
York, he saw buses traveling to Harlem to take tourists
to Sylvia's Restaurant on Lenox Avenue for authentic
soul food. Go with it, Eisner reasoned; if people were
willing to go to Nashville for Opryland, they'd go to
Harlem for what he began to call Beatsville, USA,
what he saw as a four-square-mile theme park that
would celebrate black culture, particularly music. As
part of the Eisner plan, neighborhood residents would
be hired as guides, technicians, support personnel and
performerssingers, dancers, musicians, actors and
extras. If there was to be a street scene that depicted
daily life, Eisner reasoned, why not hire a teenage mother
to play a teenage mother, a gang member to play a gang
member? Of course, as at the Disney Company, anyone
hired would be required to observe certain standards:
performers would have to attend school, avoid drugs,
follow personal-grooming guidelines, stay out of trouble,
take blood-pressure medication when pre-
scribed and make visitors feel comfortable.
(Even those who declined to cooperate would
become part of the show: lawbreakers in
Beatsville would be detained behind glass
partitions in an exhibitdubbed "The Pirates
ofLenox Avenue)Thus could the underclass
begin to build productive, middle-class lives. O rt
In 1995, Beatsville opened; it directly employed 3,500
workersor cast members, as Eisner still liked to call
them - and attracted an average of 17,000 visitors a day.
By the end of that year, the government had hired The
actors to the House (Wilford Brimle
Rouse Company to establish smaller versions ofthe park
on the South Side of Chicago, in the Watts section of
Los Angeles, in Miami's Liberty City (the one development
that required no name change) and in five other cities.
DEFICIT
REDUCTION Eisner devised many new
revenue sources. After Ted ilirner set up his ground.
breaking 24-hour All.War Cable Network, Eisner sold
him the rights to televise U.S. military maneuvers in the
Moave Desert for $212 millionand then sold tickets
to the maneuvers, earning the government another
several million in admissions and concessions. Eisner
also instructed the attorney general to pursue royalties
and other proprietary rights over symbols of America.
Soon, every time a car dealership or department store or
hamburger chain wished to use the American flag in an
ad, or to mention the Fourth ofJuly or Uncle Sam, the
government got a cut. Thejustice Department became a
profit center.
Eisner also cut costs. Under the direction of Vice
President Katzenhergthe brainy, balding, hyperactive
New York native who had been president of the Disney
Studio - a premium was placed on cost-effectiveness.
For example, after the sudden departures ofJustices
Thurgood Marshall and Harry Blackmun created two
vacancies on the Supreme Court, Eisner, heeding
42 SPYJLJNE 1991
Katzenbergs advice, declined to fill either seat. Fewer
justices meant less debate and 22 percent lower
overhead, Katzenberg argued - less dissent, more
decisions. "We want quality justice;' the vice president
explained, "but we have to be thinking volume. I think
we're all happy when the Supreme Court sets an
important precedent, but I dont want the justices
thinking they have to set a precedent every time out of
the box. What we want is good, solid mass-appeal
decisions, and a lot of them' Later, Katzenberg won
praise for bringing back to government Theodore
Sorenson, Al Haig and other veterans who were thought
to be politically dead but came cheaper than "hot"
administrators, and who proved just as capable. In a
further move, $130 billion in pork.barrel projects were
eliminated from the 1995 budget; when Congress
squawked, Katzenberg explained the administration's
new tightfistedness in a 28-page "internal" memo that
was immediately leaked to The Washington Post and,
reflexively, Variety and the American people were
convinced. Nonetheless, it wasn't all cut and cut; after
closing the most poorly attended national parks, the
government opened in most cities a multimedia exhibit,
"The National Parks Experience;' through which people
could gain an appreciation of the wilderness.
04th Congress, Eisner sent headliri
of Utah, Paul Newman of Co
LEGISLATIVE
RlIoR1 Eisner thought it would be good
if people were interested in government, if they'd talk
about it the way they talked about movies and sports. But
he knew that Americans were bored by their gray leaders
in careful blue suits talking dull,legalistic boilerplate.
Eisner began to try to liven things up. He created for
senators and congressmen a pool ofout-of-work television
writers who could be called upon to spruce up speeches
with a theatrical flourish or humorous quip. The minimal
response to that gesture (it was used only by House
Speaker Tom Foley, whose writers developed a tag line
for him - That sure puts starch in ny shorts! ) forced Eisner
to escalate. I-le started meeting with legislators and, in a
gentle way, began to sell them on the notion that the
nation might be better off if they were no longer in
office. lt seems like you have a really hardjoh, Eisner would
say, commiserating with them about a post that required
managing a staff, mastering legislation, assisting
constituents, campaigning for votes and raising money.
a though you were working on a film, and you were star
and director and producer iiere an idea i have. ...
Eisner sugested that members of Congress become
their own chiefs of staff, jobs in which they could earn
the same money and continue to shape policy. The
representatives and senators, however, would be replaced
 by professional actors, who could better express the
passions of governing and pique the interest of the
American people. Once a bipartisan majority of legislators
agreed, Eisner sprung his plan, and with Katzenberg's
famously shrewd and cost-conscious eye for casting, the
104th Congress was remade. Headliners went to the
Senate (George C. Scott of New York, Robert Redford of
Utah, Paul Newman of Connecticut, Hal Holbrook of
California), character actors to the House (Darren
McGavin of Wyoming, Hector Elizondo of New Mexico,
Beatrice Arthur of Long Island. Donna Dixon of Aspen,
Wilford Brimley of Des Moines, Tone.Loc of Compton).
Public interest in the celebrity legislators soared, and
within months Steven Bochco, the television producer, bad
signed a deal with the government to develop a one-hour
dramatic series based on the personal and professional
lives of a group of these lawmakers. The series, On the
Hill, debuted in the fall of 1995 and won critical
acclaim for its ability to integrate steamy love scenes
with thoughtful discussions of current policy issues.
Eventually, of course, the whole legislative division, as
Eisner had begun to call Congress, was dc-emphasized.
The process of legislation, with its hearings and
amendments and endless procedural votes, took too long.
Eisner preferred a swifter decision-making process, though
to the Senate (Robert Redford
iecticut) and character
of Des Moines,Tone-Lôc of Corn pton)
one just as democratic. "Government should be run like
the movie business,' the president argued. "You hire bright
people, they read a script, they like it, they make it. The
public will tell you quickly enough whether they were
right. You make Roger Rabbit and Pretty Woman, you keep
your job. You make Hello Again and Blaze, and you're
out. lt's the ultimate democracy'
DEFENSE AND
FoREu;N POLICY Eisner was cautious about
defense. While recognizing the need for a strong military,
he instinctively feared the cost overruns inherent in
actually going to war. "1f we were to produce a war' he
would often tell associates, "I would want to do one like
the Gulf in '91: it was a winner, with good heroes, a good,
strong villain, good use of technology, good visuals and
special effects, good audience share; we didn't let the
war outlast the public's attention span; and we presold
to foreign partners to spread around the front-end risk:'
But while Eisner was cautious about defense, he was
strong and innovative in international affairs. Using the
tough negotiating tactics he'd learned at Disney, Eisner
set out to force thejapanese to ease their long-standing
trade restrictions. Without instituting U.S. tariffs or formal
barriers, Eisner signed an executive order decreeing that
all imports from a given country had to pass through
the same Customs office. Imports from Britain, for
example, had to pass through New York; those from
South Korea, through San Diego. Imports from Japan
had to pass through Manchester, New Hampshire. The
extra cost tojapanese manufacturers entailed in shipping
goods through the Panama Canal to Boston and then to
Manchester before they could be distributed meant that
a Goldstar television set sold for $150 less than the
comparable Sony model, that a South Korean Hyundai
went for $14,500 less than a Toyota Tercel. Eisner then
entered into negotiations with OPEC, offering to
provide U.S. Navy "protection" for tankers bound for
J apan. Such insurance would have tripledjapan's oil
bill, and before a deal could be completed, the Japanese
government found a way to lower the trade barriers.
Eisner was also committed to fostering democracy
throughout the world. Having opened Disney parks in
J apan and France, Eisner knew that what people outside
the United States admired most about America was not
its bauxite mines and water-filtration systems but its
pop life, the freedom and fun and spiritedness. The
world loved Mickey Mouse, Eisner knew, but the world
understood that Mickey could only be an American.
Why not work with that? Eisner commissioned a new
animated series, Yank 'n' Dnde LL. Dernocracy Doggies, in
which a pair ofcanine rappers, accompanied by their
deejay, a girl named Brittany, and their agent, an eagle
named Duke, traveled the globe, performing their hit
records as well as rescuing hostages from terrorists,
maintaining free and fair elections in tiny oligarchic
nations, overthrowing dictatorships and showing
primitive tribes the benefits of crop rotation. Although
the series became a huge hit domestically, Eisner
allowed foreign nations to broadcast it for free,
recouping the cost with the hundreds of millions
earned by licensing the characters for ancillary
products.
The success that Eisner achieved in reimagining
America was rewarded in 1996, when, running on both
the Republican and Democratic tickets, he was elected
to a second term, with 91 percent ofthe popular vote.
That is not to say he was without critics, although they
tended for the most part to be cynics and intellectuals
who felt constrained by an orderly, cheerful society
where the good of the many was placed above the good
of the individual, where extremes of behavior were
discouraged, where things ran predictably and well,
where a synthetic contentedness was valued above
realistic pain, where sex was always wholesome and rage
almost unknown, where everything was beautiful and
nothing hurt. Those critics tended to relocate to New
York City, which. with the exception of Beatsville,
seceded from the union in 1997 without any objection
from the rest of the state or nation. At this writing,
ratification is near for a constitutional amendment
that would exempt Michael Eisner from the 22nd
Amendment's two-term limit and allow him to continue
to exercise his benevolent dominion over this happy,
happy land.)
JUNE 1991 SPY43
 I

OMi
Petty, ferocious Medicine
behavior is nothing new to longtime Simon & Schuster boss Dick Snyder.

But this time he's on the receiving end, and his boss,

Paramount Communications's So MUCH HAS BEEN WRITTEN AND SAID AND TESTIFIED
about the ruthlessness ofRichard E. Snyder, the chairman of
Marty Davis, is the bully. Simon & Schuster, it's a wonder his hirelings haven't arisen
as one, like the victims of some egregious Central European
dictator, and toppled him. Legend proclaims him the mean-
est man in publishing. His temper has spawned an array of gallows-humor Dick Snyder jokes - Knock-knock! Whds
there? Yo#'refired! and a succession ofnicknames that constitutes a shorthand history ofdespotism since the overthrow
of the Shah: first he was likened to Khomeini, then he became "the Qaddafi of publishing' and now, of course, he's "the
Saddam of publishing' His fearsome image fits nicely with the philosophy he has articulated over his 20-plus years
running S&S: that publishing is a business, not a forum for expressing literary sensitivity
Snyder has got away with being publishing's most notorious tyrant because S&S has been a raging success under his
command. When he joined up as a salesman just over 30 years ago, S&S was a small, second-tier house that specialized
in crossword-puzzle books and topical nonfiction; since
Snyder took over, S&S has become the biggest publisher in
the country, with a trade department known for blockbuster
novels by the likes ofJackie and Joan Collins, nonfiction
best-sellers like Alithe President Men and OurBodies, Ourselves, Snyder (center) has victimized his employees for
years, but only recently has he become the victim.
and marketing miracles likeJane Fonda's Workota Book. It is

44 SPYJUNE 1991
 113
7/

'fi
 his vision and know-how that have made S&S
Random I-louses only serious rival 'ri the battle
for book-publishing supremacy.
But Snyder is not invinciblelot the simple
reason that he's not his own boss. S&S is owned
by Pa ramount Cominti nications, formerly known
as Gulf + Western, and Snyder reports to Mar.
tin Davis, Paramount's chairman. Davis has a
reputation for nastiness beside which Snyders
seems to pale. "If you take all the things you've
read and heard about Dick Snyder and multiply
them by says a former S&S executive who
has experienced both men in predator mode,
"you have Marty Davis' In 1984, when Fortune
included Snyder in a feature on "The Toughest
Bosses in America:' Davis was right in there with
Snyder seems barely him, "thrilled;' he told the magazine, to be so
able to contain a
grimace when posing, honored,
probably under orders. The coexistence at Paramount of these two
with his boss, Davis men, neither of whom much cares for the other,
(left), but he appears
a picture of serenity
when hobnobbing has thus far not quite resulted in an all.out King
with his publicity-and-
Kongvs.Godzilla battle royal of monstrous
revenue-generating
authoress Kitty egos, but two recent, very public controversies -
Kelley (rig/it). S&S's decision not to publish Bret Easton Ellis's
American Psycho. and Davis's ouster in March of
Frank Mancuso, the chairman of Paramount yer, Stanley Arkin, send py a letter offering "to
Picturessuggest that Davis ¡S exercising his review. . .the proposed article prior to its publi'
power over Snyder more aggressively and glee'
fully than ever before.
When S&S canceled American Psycho just
weeks before it was to appear in bookstores,
rumors abounded that Davis, Snyder, had is-
sued the order to stop the book's publication.
Both Snyder and Davis deny that Davis was pull-
ing the strings in the incident, but no one really
believes that Snyder would of his own volition
renege on publishing a manuscript for which
he'd already paid $300,000. When the press
asked how the manuscript got as far as it did,
Snyder played dumb and pinned the blame on
46SPYJUNF ')91
Charles Hayward, the head of S&S's trade de-
partment, and Robert Asahina, Ellis's editor,
Hayward and Asahina had made an "error in
judgment;' Snyder told The New York Times, "but
they're both brilliant young men, and this is part
of the process of acquiring experience:' Both
these young men are 40-ish, and between them
they have more than 20 years of publishing
experience.
Mancusds departure, first reported as a resig.
nation and subsequently portrayed as a sacking,
prompted rumors that Snyder was next. Like
Mancuso, Snyder has served his company faith-
fully for 30 years and generated considerable
profits; and like Mancuso - and, for that matter,
Paramount escapees Barry Diller, Michael Eis-
ner andJeffrey KatzenbergSnyder has a trou-
bled relationship with Davis. When Snyder
failed to show at an April PEN fundraising gala
ofwhich he was cochairman, many ofthose cdi-
tors and writers and
media somebodies
who did attend were
wondering the same
thing: I-las Dick been
canned?
He had not, yet
for the first time
since he rose to
prominence, it's pos-
sible to see Dick
Snyder as a victim -
the famous bully is
being bullied him-
self. So is it time to
give up hating and
fearing Snyder? Is
our appreciation of
his villainy diluted
by the knowledge that he too can become the
schlemiel?
It's hard to tell; Snyder declined our request
for an interview (As this article was being read-
ied for publication, however, Snyder had his law-
cation in order to ascertain its accuracy' Arkin's
letter was delivered the same day Kitty Kelley's
Nancy Reagan: The Unauthorized Biography which
S&S prepared for publication under an unprec'
edented veil of secrecy, went on sale in book-
stores.) Furthermore, his S&S employees, logi'
cally the best sources, catch only quick glimpses
ofhim, "Dick' says a former assistant, "is not an
executive who believes in circulating:' Typically,
his underlings' exposure to Snyder has come, ¡fat
all, in the elevators ofS&S's 19'floor ofhce build'
ing in Rockefeller Center. From thse awkward
encounters a new genre ofurban American folk.
 lore has developed, to be filed right alongside
the alligator- i n-the-sewer tales and the peei ng-
on-the-third-rail stories: the Dick-Snyder-in-the-
elevator anecdote.
" He's always been weird about the elevator. After
he moved up to the seventeenth floor, he tried to
arrange it so that there was ari express car, so that
he wouldn't have to stop on the way up. But for
sorne reason that didn't work out.
a former S&S executive
Snyder is a book-industry executive, not a gentle-
man l)ublisher a distinction underlined some
years ago when he moved his office from the
fourteenth floor ofthe S&S building, where the
editors work, to the seventeenth floor, where the
lawyers and business executives are. The fact that
he no longer oversees the day-to-day operation of
the trade department may help him to explain
American Psycho to Davis, and it may distance
him from the embarrassment caused by S&S's
$920,000 purchase of the spuriously John le
Carréendorsed first novelJiis: Killing Time, but
the same excuse can't cover every blunder. In
1989 the company's auditors discovered that
S&S had drastically overestimated the value of
its assets. This revelation forced S&S to declare a
$140 million write-down at the end ofthc fiscal
year, effectively wiping out 12 months worth of
c-arnings. One former high-level Paramount ex-
ecutive explains that a significant amount of the
write-down was attributable to books that failed
to earn back the advances paid out to the au-
thors. (Indeed, S&S's trade-book divisionthe
glamour precinct - is substantially less profitable
than its professional and textbook divisions, and
accounts for only 6 percent ofthe company's rev-
enues,) Snyder, however, claimed that the "vast
majority" ofthe write-down could be pinned on
the textbook division.
1hat same year, Paramount sold off its
financial-services unit for $2.6 billion, leading
some obscrvers to believe that the write-down
was not wholly unwelcome, that it would ease
Paramount's tax liability on the $2.6 billion.
A former Paramount executive dismisses this
notion: "(The write-down] was a kick in the
teeth, because it was unexpected. We vere tell-
ing Wall Street that we expected the publish-
inggroup to grow 15 percent every year in earn-
ings, and all of a sudden $140 million cornes
offthe
Some S&S employees suspected that the in-
stailment ofAndy Evans as S&S's chief financial
officer represented Davis's pu n ishment of Snyder
for the write-down embarrassment. Evans is a
former Paramount executive whose loyalties are
said to be with Davis - not Snyder.
While Snyder was learning che extent to which
his company's assets were overvalued, Davis was
trying to upset the proposed merger ofTime Inc.
and Warner Communications by making a hos-
tile bid for Time. The scheme backfired, and
Davis had to endure the humiliation of public
defeat and $55 million spent in vain. His over-
ambition was the key to this failure, but it wasn't
the only factor: in March 1989, when Time and
Warner announced their intention to merge,
Snyder had fired offa letter to NicholasJ. Nicho-
las Jr., Time's president, congratulating him on
"the greatest deal ever imaginable' Two months
later, Davis bid for Time and was rebuffèd. Thus
spurned, he went to court to block the Time-
Warner deal; he lost. So he decided to appeal the
court's ruling. At the appeal hearing, one of the
justices cited Snyder's letter to Nicholas and
aloud, Why should the cou;i bar a deal
that see,,zs so favorable io the head of a Paramouzt
"TAKE ALL THE THINGS VOU'VE
PFAfl ANfl HIAPfl
company? A former S&S executive says that the
mention of the letter "took [Davis's} side corn- ABOUT DICK
pletely by surprise' and Davis's lawyers were SNYDER AND
"stopped in their tracks:' Needless to say, Davis MULTIPLY THEM
lost the appeal. BY TEN," SAYS A
Why, one wonders, did Snyder neglect to tell
his boss about his letter to Nicholas? Did he FORMER S&S
understand its significance? The incident re- EXECUTIVE, "AND
mains somewhat mysterious. But there was no YOU HAVE
mystery about the upshot of Snyder's corre- MARTY DAVIS"
spondence's turning up in court: Davis went
through the ceiling,' says a former Paramount
executive.
" One morning Dick niarched straight frani the
elevator to his assistant's office and demanded to
know if the company had a dress code. 'What about
shorts?' he yelled. 'Go find the little girl I just came
up with and tell her to go home and change. ' Dick's
assistant found this baby editor wearing a modest
pair of culottesbut the real problem was she had
thick calves. The assistant told lier to stay away from
Dick's office and figured that was that. But Dick
followed up to make sure his assistant had carried
out the order, which might have been trouble if she
hadn't made him laugh by arguing it was wrong to
stigmatize an employee for having subpar legs.
a former S&S executive
A onetime PR man, Davis can't stand adverse
publicity"He's very paranoid about it,' says a
former Paramount executiveso 1989's boners,
on his and on Snyder's part, had left him cranky.
Things only got worse in 1990. In addition to
the American Psycho debacle, there was Snyder's
springtime divorce trial. While thc press and
JiNli 1991 sPY-i:
 a judge looked on, Snyder was forced to re- 18 months ago, the woman next had a fling
hash the dirty laundry of his failed marriage with the writer Fran Lebowitz. A close asso-
to former S&S trade-division president Joni ciate recalls the day the news reached Snyder.
"He loved it," the associate says. "His comment
THE WOMANIZER REPUTATION, was, 'Well, of course. It doesn't surprise me.
How could she go to another man after being
IMPROBABLE
Evans, who had since defected to Random with me?"
THOUGH IT House. Because choice scenes from their mar-
MAY BE, PLEASES ned life were played out in the confines of the '' Quite early ¡ri ISnyder's] tenure, he arid the sales
SNYDER, AND HE S&S buildingindeed, one of Snyder's coni- director, Al Reuben, arrived at the office at the
DOES HIS BEST TO
plaints was that all Evans ever did was work. same time one morning arid stepped into the
work, workthe trial brought out many un- elevator. . . .Al punched the button for his floor, 10,
PROMOTE IT
seemly details about life at S&S, Snyder's reputa- while Snyder did the same for 14, his floor. The
tion for meanness, his sponsorship of Evans's elevator ascended, went blithely by 10 without
career, even his sex life. pausing arid came to rest at 14. Dick stepped out,
The Dick-and-Joni wars have received ex- turned and tjave Al a sly smile. and said, 'Even
tensive coverage. Suffice it to say that theirs the elevator knows.'
is one of the more rancorous and litigious former S&S pithiislier Peter Scliwed
breakups in the history ofmodern marriage. Ac-
cording to Snyder's own testimony, he stopped The story ofSnyder's rise begins, as is requisite
for such tales, in Depression-era Brooklyn. But
this particular Horatio Alger story spares us
THE ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF HAI the usual sordid beginnings. Snyder was born in
1933, and his childhood was not an especially
\ 7!: Pou'er-Cwjfhig the I)ik Szyder \t'z;;
happy one, but his father made a good living
j:j manufacturing coats, and by all accounts the
Snyder household was quite comfortable. Snyder
likes to say lie was "an omnivorous reader" as
a boy, but if this is truly the case, his hunger
subsided sometime after he went into publish.
f-' ing. A few friends claim that he does some-
-: times actually read books, but no one says lie
The Suburban The Roller-Brush The Snow-Haired reads many.
Comb-Over, Bouffant, Statesman,
His life proceeded unremarkably: lie went
1975 1977 1987 to Tufts University, got C's; \;-ciit into the Army,
got out; started in a Doubleday training pro-
gram, got fired. 'l'ben, in 1960, lie took a job
as the third assistant to the sales manager at
having sex with Evans in 1983 or 84; by 1986 Golden Books, a children's-book subsidiary of
they were no longer living together; shortly S&S, and began his legendary ascent. While
thereafter they were squabbling over who got working in sales at Golden he attracted the
to use Linden Farm, their 75-acre Westchester approving attention of Leon Shimkin, who in
estate with its 14-room mansion; and even no 1966 bought out S&S cofounder Max Schus
four years after Evans filed for divorce, they're ter's interest in the company and became sole
still waiting for a judge to divide their mari- ow n er.
tal assets. The real action begins in 1968, when three
Lately, Snyder has been dating Laura York, an key S&S executives, including editor in chief
attractive S&S editor in her twenties who grew Robert Gottlieb, abruptly quit their jobs in
up on Park Avenue and is just a few years out order to work for Alfred A. Knopf. Gottlieb,
of Duke University. (York, incidentally, posed now tIme editor of The New Yorker, took a slew
for a cheesecakey pictorial with a group of her of star authors with him, among them Joseph
sorority sisters in the April issue of i1 Inc.) Heller, Doris Lessing and Chaim Potok. This
Snyder's improbable reputation as a woman- mass defection not only set the stage for S&S's
izer improbable because Snyder has bug eyes, bitter and enduring rivalry with Random
preternaturally florid skin and disco-era eye- House, which owns Knopf, but also created a
glasses and has been likened to a white Sammy power vacuum sufficient to suck Snyder out
Davis Jr.evidently pleases him, and he does of sales and marketing, smack into the heart
his best to promote it. When romance with of S&S.
a woman sonic 20 years his junior ended about On Shimkin's recommendation the 34-year-

4SSPYJUNE 1991
old Snyder was named vice president. Snyder's
immediate superior, publisher Peter Schwed.
remembers feeling Snyder's "hot breath on the
back of my neck insofar as my own job was
concerned' A year later, Schwed ceded au-
thority to Snyder, and the young vice presi-
dent was effectively in control of the crippled
house.
Snyder's marketing savvy and financial know-
how quickly turned S&S profitable, but the
house still lacked class and distinction, which
were what Snyder wanted most. "He was ob-
sessed with class' says a friend from Snyder's
early days, "and he wanted S&S to be classy,
(Those who know Snyder well note, as evi-
dence of his preoccupation with social status,
hisfaiix-Kennedy accentpicked up, his own
mother once told an S&S editor, when he was
at Tufts.)
In 1972, a month before Richard Nixon's
landslide reelection, Snyder signed Bob Wood-
ward and Carl Bernstein, then two relatively
unknown Washington Post reporters, to a $55,000
contract for a book-length expansion of their
Post coverage of a suspicious break-in at the
Watergate hotel. After the scandal broke the fol-
lowing spring, the duo first weighed in with All
the Presidenú Alen, then followed up three years
later with The Final Days. Both books were
monumental best-sellers, with combined hard-
cover sales of nearly i million copies; Snyder
had put himself on the map.
But Snyder didn't become the boss of bosses
at S&S until Gulf+Western chairman Charles
Blubdorn bought the company in 1975. Af-
ter the deal had been put together, Snyder
was approached in private by G+W execu-
tives who wanted a
clearer picture of
what exactly Bluh-
dorn had bought. Im-
pressed by Snyder's
brains, energy and am-
bition, Bluhdorn's
lieutenants recom-
mended that he be
promoted to president
of the company.
Snyder has since
received two fur-
tner promotions
to chief executive
oflicer in 1979, and
to chairman in 1981. Since the Watergate books
he has worked several publishing miracles, the
most remarkable of which has been. perhaps,
his own survival. Of the big New York houses,
only S&S bas had the same boss for nearly a
quarter ofa cent urv.
' ' I'm sure you've heard the famous elevator story.
You knowthe one about how Dick came to the
office one morning and there was this guy who'd
collapsed right in front of the elevator and was lying
there. Well, Dick just stepped right over him. . ..
possibly apocryphal Dick-In-the-elevator
anecdote, as told by an S&S editor
In February 1983 the 56-year-old Bluhdorn
suffered heart attack and died. The news was
devastating to Snyder, not only because he and
Blubdorn were friendly but also because Martin
Davis, then an executive vice president at G+W,
promptly and adeptly cozied up to Bluhdorn's
widow in order to consolidate his own power
and corporate prospects.
Snyder had been reporting directly to G+W
president David Judelson since 1975, and in
that time the two had forged a very close rda-
tionship. But G+W's board of directors, per-
baps swayed by Bluhdorn's wido tapped judel-
son's archrival, the nefarious Davis, as the new
chairman. Two weeks later Judelson resigned.
Dismayed, Snyder looked for a way to buy S&S
back from G+W. A former S&S executive re-
members, "Dick was absolutely closeted with
Judelson through a great deal of that time'
Snyder's hopes of buying back S&S proved
futile, but he found another way to bolster his
control of the house: he diversified S&S, which
already owned the paperback behemoth Pocket
Books, by buying up other houses that special-
ized in educational and professional publish-
ing. After a yearlong buying spree in which he
gobbled up publishers both big (Esquire Inc. DICI<'S WOMEN: left,
for $190 million) and huge (Prentice Hall for with foruier wife
$710 million), he was suddenly managing 34 per- Joui Evans (far
right) at a party for
s&s editor in chief
cent ofGWs assets, compared with just 6 per- Michael Korda
cent the year before, and S&S had become the (second froiz left);
right, Snyder's
biggest publisher in the country. current paramour,
By March 1985, after S&S had spent nearly Laura York, as
$1 billion and Davis had forced out Snyder's im- featured in an M inc.
mediate superior, Barry Diller, G+W's chair- pictorial
JUNE 1991 SPY 49
 MR. SNyDER? MR. DAvis Wouw LIKE TO SEE Vou IN His OFFiCEIMMEDIATELy"
The py Line on Who Going to Get the Hook bì I 993

I:Ç1Ilu1,JIJ$js

Mikhail Gorbachev, president Secessionist fever in provinces; disintegrating economy; food shortages; Boris Ye'tsin; 1-1
of the USSR pretended to be a democrat; met with Nixon in April

Daryl Gates, chief of the Los Angeles Videotaped beating of Rodney King; history of racism and paramilitarism; has promised to 3-2
Police Department resign if civilian review board finds him delinquent in duty

Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq Kurdish and Shiite unrest; infrastructure in ruins; USA kicked ass 2-1

Richard E. Snyder, chairman of Simon Unsympathetic boss; American Psycho fa'lout; poor publishing performance blamed for 4-1
& Schuster Paramount losses in second quarter of 1991
-
Fidel Castro, president Soviet aid curtailed; old allies such as Angola turning their backs; fuel and food scarce; 10-1
%. .
of Cuba 4
radical-chic beard-and-fatigues look is passé
"- "-
,, John Sununu, White House chief of Languished in background during Gulf War; irrevocably cast as bad-faith negotiator after 15-1
t, staff 1990 tax summit; rumors that Robert Teeter might take his place; overweight

Kim II Sung, president of North Korea Soviet aid curtailed; inability to make peace with South Korea f"S 18-1

Mike Ditka, Chicago Bears head coach Hasn't won a Super Bowl since 1985; heart condition 24-1
j,
'
Martin Davis, chairman of Paramount Loss of confidence among Wall Street analysts; rumors of Paramount 27-1
Ç'
Communications takeover bids gaining momentum A
Aimée lie/I ii/Joih (,,//ettë

flau announced a reorganlz4tion of tile corn- says Green. "For a certain period oftime, Dick
pany: publishing operations would be split off was the head of a company where you could be
from che entertainment-and-communications as terrific as you wanted to be. It cost, mostly in
division and placed into a separate group wear and tear, but you could do it. That's very
headed by Richard E. Snyder. rare in businessthe system works against it'
Green's testimony is all the more remarkable
" The people who work down ori 9 and 10the people
because for nearly a decade he served as Snyder's
whipping boy, promoted and demoted like an
froni sales, production and personnelhave their
own elevator bank, and those elevators don't go
executive yo-yo. "Over the years' says a former
colleague, "Dick was able to pick up Dan when
beyond 10. The creative types ori 12, 13, 14, can
lie needed him and drop him when lie didn't
stop at any S&S floor, including 17Snyder's floor.
and Dan took it' Stories of how Snyder would
Anyway, one morning a contracts assistant made
the mistake of riding tip with Snyder ori ari elevator
contrive to humiliate Green are legion - the day,
frani the wrong bank. She liad the audacity to push
for instance, when Snyder ridiculed Green in
10 and actually get off. So Dick fired lier.
front of his colleagues for chewing on his tie.
One associate characterizes the relationship as
- possibly apocryphal Oick-in-the-elevator
anecdote. as fold by an S&S editor
sadomasochistic; another comments, "I'm not a
psychologist, but it satisfied botti of them:'
Snyders hard work notwithstanding, some credit Snyder lias good working relationships with
for S&S's reputation as a first-rate house must go Michael Korda and Alice Mayhew, respectively the
to the people who work for him - or used to. editor in chiefand the editorial director of S&S.
There is what management euphemistically re- Both editors have earned Snyder's goodwill by dint
fers to as a "turnover problem:' and it's said that of talent: Korda has been at S&S longer than
practically every major house in New York has at Snyder and is responsible for acquiring many of
least one S&S refugee thriving in a prominent the house's most prominent authors; Mayhew lias
position. Working for Snyder is not necessarily a been S&S's "Washington editor" since the glory
nightmare experience, though. Former executive days ofWoodward and Bernstein, and was Kitty
vice president Dan Green, a talented editor Kelley's editor on the Nancy Reagan biography.
whose 23-year career at S&S ended in 1985. But as the late Pocket Books president Ronald
speaks reverently of his ex-boss's ability to in- Busch discovered in 1985, you can plug away
spire and lead. "He absolutely respected taIent faithfully at S&S for a number ofyears and still

SPYJLJNE 1991
 lose your job in the blink oían eye. One day that
year, as Busch and Snyder rode in the elevator (of
course), Snyder informed Busch that he was be
Ing relieved ofhis duties at Pocket. Busch wasn't
exactly fired in the elevatorjust stripped of ance - and Snyder was commanded to be present.
power and kicked upstairs, as the nominal head
oían amorphous "international division:' Was
Snyder compassionately keeping a loyal long-
time employee on the payroll? No: it turns out
that Busch owed S&S money he'd borrowed
from the company to buy his Sutton Place
co-opand Snyder didn't want to lose sight of
him until he made good on his loan.
" I came in one morning when I'd just started, and
this guard stiff-armed me as I was about to step
into an open elevator. The door closed, and the
guard said, 'Mr. Snyder's in there.' At first I
thought maybe this was corporate policy, but later
I realized the guard was just doing me a favor.
a former S&S employee
These days Snyder seems less the abuser than the
abusee, Davis's mistreatment of him mirroring
his own mistreatment of Dan Green and count-
less other subordinates. Indeed, last December,
Snyder actually commiserated with a recent vic-
tim of Davis's ill favor, a nonpublishing Para-
mount executive with whom he'd never been
particularly friendly. I know bow yoifeel, Snyder
told the newly unemployed executive. I've gotten
screwed by that guy a few ti,nes nyself So why hasn't
Davis simply done away with Snyder?
For one thing, Snyder ¡s a careful blame
shirker. "Dick comes up with a new idea, and he
rallies the troops around, and everybody says,
'Great idea, let's do it" says a former Paramount
executive who has worked closely with Snyder.
"And Dick asks all the right questions, he signs
offon it, what have youand then it's a failure,
and Dick is part oíthat failure. The corporation
gets very upset about what happened. And Dick
turns around and blames everybody else and not
himself, He could never get himself ro walk in
and say, 'You know what? I made a mistake:"
In the case ofAmerican Ps)tho, Snyder was finally
forced to take the fall by publicly accepting "full
responsibility'a mea culpa that was not only
grudging but richly ironic, given that Snyder had
never read the manuscript in the first place. The
Ellis flap had another unforeseen consequence: the
temporary empowerment ofJohn Calvin Batch-
clot, a novelist who had written the books Gordon
Liddy Is My Muse and Walking the Cat for S&S.
Angry over the sudden and unexplained firing last
fall of his editor, Allen H. Peacock, Batchelor
wrote Davis a mash note ("1 congratulate you for
acting firmly once. . .the true nature of [the Psy-
cho controversy) came to your attention") and
suggested that he intercede to reinstate Peacock.
Davis read the letter and arranged a breakfast
meeting at Paramount headquarters, on Colum-
bus Circle, at which Batchelor could air his griev-
According to Batchelor, it was clear that Davis
had no intention ofrehiring Peacock and had ar-
ranged the rendezvous simply to torture Snyder.
Batchelor says, "Snyder walked in about 15 mm-
utes late, circled the table and said, 'I like that
suit, Martin, is that new?' Davis was wearing a
wide pinstripe. His suspenders were visible. He
looked down and said, 'No. You wanna buy ir?"
There followed an hour more ofsuch edgy babble.
Snyder tried repeatedly to wrap up the meeting,
but Davis, in no hurry and evidently relishing
Snyder's discomfort, kept saying to Batchelor, "Tell
us more:' The following day the manuscript of
Batchelor's new novel, on which S&S had an op-
non, was returned with regrets to his agent. Snyder
might not have been able to get even with Davis,
but he could still lash out at somebody smaller,
Davis's nuanced assault on Snyder continues
in other ways. In January, Jonathan Newcomb,
S&S's executive vice president ofoperations, was
appointed chief operating officer of the company;
the S&S group presidents, who had reported to
Snyder, now report to Newcomb. "The promo-
tion of Newcomb was really something that was
pushed on Snyder' says a former Paramount ex-
ecutive. But it doesn't necessarily mean Davis is
planning to replace Snyder. "There has always
MARTY AND DICK ARE STUCK
WITH r.w flfl-IIP
been speculation that Davis sees Dick as a neces-
sary evil' says a former S&S executive. "[But) there Two TYRANTS
are lots ofpeople who think that ifDavis had the APPARENTLY
right guy, he'd get rid of Snyder in a minute:' DAMNED TO SPEND
So far no worthy successor ro Snyder has ap-
THE REMAINDER
peared on the horizon. Davis and Snyder may be
stuck with each other, two tyrants damned to OF THEIR CAREERS
spend the remainder oftheir careers together. A TOGETHER
few days after Frank Mancuso was let go, Snyder
read aloud a public statementat Davis's insis-
tence - that noted he had just signed a new five-
year contract, one that's presumably more lucra-
tive than the contract that paid him $1.6 million
in the late 1980s, His obedient, uninspired tone
recalled that ofone ofthe U.S. POWs whom the
Iraqis forced to read antiwar statements on tele-
vision. "1 intend to fulfill [the contract) and corn-
plete my career in publishing at Simon &
Schuster' Snyder read, "and I have absolutely no
intention to resign, and. . .anything you have
heard to that degree is erroneous and false:' He
added that his relationship with Davis was "close
and comfortable:' Maybe Dick Snyder has some-
one who loves him after all. )
JUNE 1991 SPY 51
The grim, borderline-pornographic world of professional bodybuilding

the world that gave us Arnold Schwarzeneggerhas been

.
controlled for years by two elderly brothers. Now Vince McMahon, the,

uh, brains behind Hulk Hogan's crossover stardom, is moving

in on the brothers' turf. IRVIN MUCHNICK reports on pumped-up,

steroid-fueled marketing war between 'hjthe

the impresarios who make megabucks

Ihave remote control, a

cable hookup and way too
much free time, you know Vince
McMahon. He's the tuxedoed,
shellac-haired, Nautilized emcee
ofthe syndicated program Super-
Jtars of Wreciling, the USA net-
vorlfs Prime Tigne Wrestling and
NBCs Saturday Night's Main
Filent, all produced under the
aegis of the World Wrestling
Federation (WWF). McMahon's
is an uncharismatic, ilhe-manly,
TV presence; he's 'I.V wrestling's
Zeppo Marx, looking on, dead-
pan, while Hulk Ilogan and Ser-
geant Slaughter shove fingers in
each other's faces and pretend to
argue. But like Bill Cosby and
Mery Griffin, whose on-screen
personalities are equally unpre-
ON
sumptuous, McMahon is actually
a shrewd, tenacious business-
man with a multimillion-dollar
empire. TitanSports Inc., his
$150-million-a-year company
(and the parent company of the
WWF), has a brand-new, $9 mil-
lion oflice complex in Stamford,
Connecticut, complete with
state-of-the-art TV-production
facilities. In addition to the cable
and network shows, there are
nightly live wrestling exhibitions
and fou r-times-yea ny arena ex-
travaganzas, broadcast over pay-
per-view for up to $30 a pop
WrestleMania V, staged in 1989,
grossed nearly $21 million.
There are WWF videocassettes,
posters, toys, apparel, a WWF
A'lagazine, even WWF ice cream
bars, molded in the images of
WWF wrestlers. And there are
WWF stars who have managed
to cross over into more conven-
donai realms: Rowdy Roddy
Piper landed the lead in the
1988 movie They Live; Jesse
"the Body" Ventura was last fall
elected mayor of Brooklyn Park,
Minnesota; and Hulk Hogan has
starred in both feature films (the

52 SPY TuNE 1991

 The battle of tire
¡,:ilqes: Wrestlinq

fort h c orn i ng ( ,omiian/o mogul arid three-piece-
and 1989s No !!o/a Barred)
a commercial for Right (uard
deodorant. Add it all ui and
yoW.c: got an nrertaiiiinent on-
glotnrrate of tortnidtbIc finan-
cia! might.
1Imis. L})f)LrrrIt!\'.
enough For i\IcÎ4ahon. 1-laying
expamided wrcstIimmgs
beyond 12-year-olds and trailer-
park rowdies to include parents
and condo dwellers. having out-
ma neuvered kd iii mer ( whose
\X'orld Championship 'X'restling
organization lags 14r behind th(-
\YJ'VF in attendance. 1)av-per-
suit huff McMahon view and merchandising reve-
and convinced
(left) is
IRLeS), McMahon is now diver-
that his fledqlinq
World Bodybuildiiiq sifying imito I)od1'/)/Ii/el/ng. The
Federation can 'WF kingpin's fetish tor pump-
niurderize the venerable ing up is evident when he and
Internationa
his aides gather at one of their
Federation of Body
IS HOI Builders. run by Joe
houses to screen liirncrs PaY-
Welder (riqht). per-vi%%' otìerings. "During un-
mtzdicnce i In portant matches or i ntt-rv iews.
Vince :il1 go into another rooi
rjt)i pair of dumnbbclls' says
a stafler. "I 1c1l conic back all
sweaty with his shirt off and his
chest and arns all pumped Lif).
olic of the guys will invariably
say. Vince. you look better than
your wrestlers! and hell hcari
1_ast year IbtC tIahon an-
nounced the formation of the
World BodvhLlilding Federation
('sX1BF), -hiclm would do for
Berry "time Flexing Dutchman"
DcMev and iioy "Top Guns
Zuccolotto what the \V«'F h-ad
done for Andre the Giant and
Randy "Madia Man" Savage. At
the inaugural press conference ¡n
Januar: at 'lht- Plaza. I'vIcI'vlahon
introduced ibm Platz, a blond
lormer isIr, Universe known in
his prime as the Golden i:agk

fU\I .
SPY '
 odybuilding," goes Ben Weider's rl
and now the WBF's director of
talent development. "I look for-
ward to the day,' Platz said,
"when a WBF superstar is on an
airplane and a tall black man
looks over and says, Hey, I saw
you on TV last night: And that
tall black man is MagicJohnson'
Waiting in the wings were 13
male bodybuilders, the WBFs
first signees, clad in black-and-
neon-green jackets, skintight
tank tops and black boxer shorts.
Tony Pearson, known as Michael
With Muscles because of his re-
semblance to Michael Jackson,
flexed for the gathered journal-
ists and said, "This is the nineties.
We have the opportunity to show
bodybuilding is a sport and an
art form:' Danny "the Giant
Killer" Padilla, a mere 62 inches
tall but with washboard abs,
spoke about his seven brothers
and sisters and his dog, Bruno.
Mike Quinn, whose pectorals
have the consistency of fibrocys-
tic boulders, struck a few poses
and shouted, "Get ready to rock
'n' roll!"
Platz promised that WBF
shows would be less stifT than
other bodybuilding
tournaments and
would pioneer the
use of theatrical val.
ues - implying that
other shows were too
naturalistic and un-
derstated. "We're go-
ing to take the char-
acteristics inherent
in these guys and
h/ow ¿hem "p," he said.
When asked if WBF
contests would con-
tain any elements of
WWF-style pro wres-
ding, Platz, his voice firm, said,
"No. The best bodies will still
win. Our bodybuilders will not
become professional wrestlers:'
At that point McMahon
glared at Platz, rendering the
Golden Eagle a 97-pound weak-
ling. Platz blanched and said,
"Uh, what I mean is, uh, there
54SPYJUNE 1991
won't be any body slams on the
stage'
the bodybuilding world has
its own history, older than
the WWF's, and its own
McMahonish control-freak im-
presario: Joe Weider. Weider
(pronounced "weeder"), the son
of a Jewish pants presser who
emigrated from Poland to Mon-
treal, has been in the muscle
business since 1942, when at
the age of 19 he started mimeo-
graphing and circulating a news-
letter called Your Physique. Along
with his brother Ben, with
whom he cofounded the Inter-
national Federation of Body
Builders (IFBB) in 1946, Weider
is responsible for publishing the
m u sc le inags Muscle & Fitness,
Flex, Shape and Men's Fitness and
for the superstardom ofLou (The
Incredible Hulk) Ferrigno and, in
his pre-Hollywood days, Arnold
Schwarzenegger. (Were it not
for Weidcr's mentoring abilities,
young Arnold's quest for fame
and Hyannis Port credentials
might have ended at the 1965
J unior Mr. Europe competition.)
McMabon's formation of the
WBF was tantambunt to a decla-
ration of war on the Weiders,
complete with a gangland-style
opening salvo. The story un-
folds, appropriately, in Chicago,
where, four months prior to
the Plaza Hotel press confer-
ence, McMahon spent $5,000 to
set up a booth at the Weiders'
Mr. Olympia competition to
promote Bodybuilding Lifestyles,
the WBF's then unpublished fit-
ness magazine. The contest pro-
ceeded as expected: Lee Haney,
Schwarzeneggers not-quite-so-
Hubba-hunka!: Six- bankable successor as the sul-
time Ms. Olympia and tan ofsinew, walked offwith his
potential WBF signee record-tyi ng seventh title, worth
Cory Everson
$70,000; as usual, some fans
grumbled that Lee Labrada, the
runner-up, had better legs, bi-
ceps, proportion, symmetry and
posing skill. The weekend's most
interesting moment actually
took place offstage, where four
ofthe 20 bodybuilders were dis-
qualified for failing a drug test
administered by International
Olympic Committeeaccredited
technicians. The crackdown re-
inforced the Weiders' newfound
scrupulousness on the steroid
issue; a few months earlier the
IFBB had stripped Shawn Ray of
the title he'd won in Columbus,
Ohio, at the Arnold Classic
yes, such a thing existsfor a
similar violation.
The closing ceremony, at
Chicagds Arie Crown Theatre,
was vintage Weider full of lame,
self-congratulatory Elks Club
chatter filtered through a hor-
rible audio system. The audi-
ence, a 4,600-strong collection
of groupies, gym rats and girl-
friends of the aforementioned,
paid little attention to what was
going on onstage. Each of the
competition's sponsors was allot-
ted a few minutes to talk up its
products. Tom Platz, the desig-
nated spokesman for Bodybuild-
ing Lifestyles, said, "I have a very
important announcement to
make. We at TitanSports and
Bodybuilding Lifestyles magazine
arc pleased to announce the for-
mation ofthe World Bodybuild-
ing Federation. And we're going
to kick the IFBB ass!" The audi-
torium fell silent, and leggy
models in slinky black evening
gowns and Bodybuilding Lifestyles
sashes emerged from the wings
to distribute handbills promis-
ing "bodybuilding as it was
meant to be" a code phrase,
some thought, for "no drug
testing'
Vince McMahon had thor-
oughly upstaged the Weiders at
their own event, and he still had
one more trick up his sleeve: that
evening, when the bodybuilding
contestants returned to their
rooms at the McCormick Center
Hotel, they found WBF contract
offers slipped under their doors.
Ba-ba-ba-BING! Ba-ba-ba-BOOM!
The war was on.
Dt
'm not angryyou can
quote me;' says Ben Weidet,
sounding not at all like a
wronged crime boss who
has just dispatched a lieutenant
(o deliver a fish wrapped in
newspaper. "I'm not even dis-
appointed. But let's put it this
way: it wasn't a very sophisti-
cated or very honorable thing
to do' To demonstrate his lack
ofanger Ben has promised life-
time suspensions from the IFBB
to any bodybuilders who sign
WBF contracts. "If we'd wanted
to, we could have turned off
Platz's microphone or stopped
his people from distributing
their literature;' he says. "put
what the heck, we let them have
their fun:'
A stumpy, mustachioed sex-
agenarian with a tanned, friendly
face, Ben tries hard to sound un-
worried: "Other federations have
come and gone before. lt took us
a lifetime of dedication, sweat
and blood, and millions of dol-
lars of investment, to get where
we are. We're a serious and
quote meethical sport.'
Identified on IFBB stationery
as "Ben Weider, C.M., Ph.IY'
the CM. for his membership in
the Order of Canada, the Ph.D.
for his honorary doctorate in
sports science from the U.S.
Sports Academy in Daphne, Ala-
bamaBen spends much of his
time traveling around the world
and cozying up to the dilettantes
of sporting goodwill. (His oft-
repeated slogan is "Bodybuilding
is important for nation-build-
ing') He has earned his self-
aggrandizing, for-profit organi-
zation shocking international
legitimacy: the IFBB is now rec-
ognized by 74 national Olympic
committees, bas 132 member
countries and recently forged re-
lationships with the Soviet Union
and China. Three years ago he
was invited to address the execu-
tive board of the International
Olympic Committee. "I was given
nation-building"
only 15 minutes to speak;' he
says. "You may be sure it was
hard to condense 43 years of
hard work into 15 minutes!" Alas,
the board was not sufficiently
moved to make bodybuilding a
Summer Olympics event, or
even an exhibition sport; but
Ben is still working to make
Olympic pumping-up a reality.
A true Renaissance man, he's
also a founding member of the
Napoleonic Society of America
and has coauthored a book, The
Murder ofNapoleon, which retails
a Swedish dentist's theory that
Bonaparte was poisoned with
arsenic by a member of his en-
tourage.Jack Nicholson controls
the movie rights.
If Ben Weidet is the IFBB's
brains,Joe is its brawn. In 1951,
when he was 27, he entered the
At an early-1970s Mr. Mr. Universe contest himself,
Olympia competition, just to prove that he practiced
Joe and Ben Weider
peer into the what he preached. Of course, he
rippling triceps of the was the only contestant in the
superstar they tourney's history to compete
created, Arnold with his legs covered by suit
Schwarzenegger- pants. When he started print-
ing his first newsletter in 1942,
bodybuilding as we know it
didn't exist; posing exhibitions
were annexed to Amateur Ath-
letic Unionsanctioned weight-
lifting contests, and the domi-
nant muscle magazines were
published by the York Barbell
Company. ButJoe was on a mis-
sion. In 1949 he moved from
Canada to New Jersey to begin
his entrepreneurial career in ear-
nest, and now he rules a corn-
pany that he claims grosses
nearly $200 million a year, most
of it in equipment and health-
food-supplement sales.
The magazines, glorified cata-
logs of Weider products, at first
appealed primarily to consumers
of gay porn; some of the early
titles, like The Young Physique
and Derni-Gods, plumbed this
theme quite explicitly. It took
four decades and the 1977 docu-
mentary Pumping Iron for them
to achieve mainstream, super-
JUNE 1991 SPY 55
 ven more than McMahon eIies ori
market-checkout-line success. In
1980, ¡%'luscIe Bui/de;; the lead
magazine, became Muscle & Fit-
ness, and cover cheesecake was
added to the beefcake. (The
homoerotic undertones persist,
however. According to a mid-
1980s study by the Northeastern
University sociologist Alan Klein,
between 40 and 75 percent of
the pilgrims to bodybuilding's
mecca, Venice,Californiahome
of Muscle Beach and the flag-
ships of the Gold's and World
Gym chains - still supported
their lift-all-day life-style through
gay prostitution and other forms
of hustling.)
Inside the magazines it's an
ongoing tribute to the Master
Blaster, asJoe likes to be called:
articles by, about or pertaining
to Joe; photographs ofJoe with
Schwarzenegger and George
Bush, and of trophies and vita-
min bottles bearing Joe's like-
nessby one count, 224 refer-
ences toJoe in a single 250-page
issue of IvluscIe â Fitness. (The
groups general-interest magazine, ______.
'
M&F has an international circu-
lation of 600,000. Flex is aimed
at hardcore bodybuilders. Shape
is for women.) But far from a
brutish authoritarian,Joe seems
Captain Kangaroo-ish, almost
avuncular, with a salt-and-pepper ______.:
mustache and a wavy pompa-
dour. "Strive for excellence, he
'
I/
&
writes, "exceed yourself, love your
friend, speak the truth, practice
fidelity and honor your father
and mother'
Hef has his mansion; Joe and McMahon's
Ben have a swanky office build- Bodybuildifly Lifestyles
ing in Woodland 1-luis, Califor- magazine hasyet to
make serious inroads
. .
nia, that features a 20-foot-high ¡rito the 600 000-
waterfall on a marble wall. In the reader circulation of
lobby is a bronze bust of the the Weiders' beefcake- FCC). In 1982, two years before
Master Blaster (Weider concedes and-T&A extravaganza his father died, Vince bought
it is actually a representation Muscle & Fitiiess.
of his head atop the neck and
shoulders of Robby Robinson, a
veteran black bodybuilder).
Some former associates say
J oc fixes his contests to suit the
needs ofliis business empire. He
56SPYJt:NF 1991
practically admitted as much in
1970, when associates asked him
why Schwarzenegger had won
that year's Mr. Olympia title
when Sergio Olivia, a black
Cuban, had clearly had tue bet-
ter physique. Joe smiled and
said, in his clipped Quebecois-
by-way-of-the-shtetl accent, "I
put Sergio on the cover, I sell x
magazines. I put Arnold on the
cover, I sell 3x magazines'
Bodybuilding receives only a
smattering of TV coverage these
days, mostly on cable. Network
shows like NBC's SportiWorid no
longer pick up the Mr. Olympia
contests, largely because those
tournaments are stiffand anach-
ronistic. Rochelle Larkin, the
founding editor of Bodybuilding
Lifestyles (Vince McMahon dis-
missed her in March), says the
Weiders "never grasped the signif-
icance ofthe fitness craze. Think
about it. How many bodybuilders
,.
. arewell known to thegeneral pub-
lic? OneSchwarzenegger'
"We are what we are,' Ben says.
"1f we wanted to make funny
shows, we could make funny
shows. We will not, for the sake
of money, reduce bodybuilding
to some kind of show business'
how business is in
Vince McMahon's
blood. His grandfather was a
boxing and wrestling promoter
who started out in the l920s.
His father controlled much of
'
the Northeast pro-wrestling dr-
cuit in the 1960s and '70s, when
small-time promoters still di-
vided the country into Mafia-like
fiefdoms(a practiceended bythe
advent of cable TV and the de-
regulatory actions taken by the
his stock in the WWF and
began aggressively expanding
operations across the country.
Dick Ebersol, president oINBC
Sports and original co-executive
producer ofSaturday Night Main
Eventwhich in its six years on
NBC lias consistently drawn a
larger audience share than the
show it irregularly replaces, Sat-
iirda'y Night Livecalls McMa-
hon "the greatest promoter since
P. T Barnum.' Despite McMa-
hon's shaky beginnings in the
field - he was behind the coast-
to-coast closed-circuit screenings
of the 1974 Evel Knievel Snake
River Canyon jump and the '76
mixed match between Muham-
mad Ali and thejapanese wres-
tler Antonio Inoki - he has since
developed into, depending on
your estimation of his intellect,
either a gifted ironist with a con-
noisseur's eye for camp or a
schlockmeister with genuine
affection for B-list celebrities.
Or both. In 1984 he sent a
camera crew to shoot, of all
things, a Ms.-magazine banquet.
Cyndi Lauper, then in her music-
video heyday and involved in a
public shtick with wrestling per.
sonality Captain Lou Albano, re-
ceived one of the magazine's
Woman-of-the-Year awards. An
other award went to Geraldine
Ferraro. Lauper and McMahon's
crew begged Ferraro and Gloria
Steinern to film promotional
shots for the WWE Ferraro duti-
fully turned to the camera and
said, as she'd been instructed,
"Rowdy Roddy Piper, why don't
you fight like a man?" Steinern re-
cited an old WWF catcall about
how Piper's kilts resembled a
skirt. Doubtless both women
imagined that their spectacularly
undignified promos would be
seen only by a few insomniacs up
at 2:00 a.m. A year later MTV
aired a live broadcast ola Madi-
son Square Garden WWF show
in prime time; Ferrards and
Steinern's comments had been
edited to give the impression
they were in the crowd.
The scene at the most recent
WrestleMania, which took place
at the L.A. Sports Arena in
March, was equally improbable.
Maria Maples conducted an in-
terview with the Nasty Boys, a
kitsch, he relies on endo-
bad-guy tag team, and
was guest timekeeper for
the main event, a show-
down between Hulk Ho-
gan and Sergeant Sia ugh-
ter. Willie Nelson, despite
his ongoing difIìculties
with the IRS, was on hand
to sing Amcrica the Beau-
tifui George Steinbren-
ncr debated with NBC
football announcer Paul
Maguire over the validity
of the instant replay as a
means of overturning
wrestling penalties.
McMahon may have
pushed his manic, low-culture
sense of humor too far this time,
though. WrestleMania VII had
been moved at the last minute
from LA:s Coliseum, which seats
l0000ø to the Sports Arena,
which seats 16,000advance
ticket sales were slov and the
WWF had been criticized for ex-
ploiting the GuifWar. McMahon
had rescripted the Sergeant
Slaughter character as a Saddam
1-lussein sym path izer, a nd I-logan
had been dispatched to visit US.
military bases as a pro-America
hell-raiser. McMahon tried to
save face with a story about how
fear of terrorism had motivated
the move to the smaller, more
easily guarded arena.
more than he
even relics on the allure
of ctiasi celebrity
and mock violence, McMahon re-
lies on endocrinology. 'I'hc WWF
encourages the young, money-
hungry dumbbells in its employ
to do anything they please to
their bodies. According to Super-
star Billy Graham, a retired
WWF champ crippled by bone
and joint degeneration from ste-
roid use, and Bruno Sammartino,
who has had a falling-out with
McMahon, nearly ali of today's
WWF stars are on "the juice:' "i
love this business, and it's really
sad to see what's happened to it'
Sammartino says. "With all the
drugs they take, the guys now are
like zombies:' WrestlerJim Hell- WWF concoctions
wiga former chiropractor and
onetime Venice Beach habitué
who calls himself l'hc Ultimate
Warrior - is perhaps the ulti-
mate example ofthe WWF's big-
ger-is-better ethic, Even though
he can barely pose and mug
yjjt}oL1t getting winded, Hellwig
was last year given the lead in the
WWF troupe when Hogan was
temporarily detained by his
Hollywood commitments. "I eat
the chemical toxins that other
men fear,' the Warrior huffed
and puffed in one TV interview.
Dave Meltzer, wrestling columnist
for The Nationa/and publisher of
a newsletter called The Wrestling
Observer, flOW refers to Hellwig as
The Anabolic Warrior.
The IFBB, -
the other hand,
has stiffened its position against
steroids. The Weiders, in their
quest to get bodybuilding into
the OlympicsAtlanta, 1996?
are no longer afraid to suspend
or punish their star athletes, as
they did Shawn Ray. "We want
bodybuilders to be seen as true
athletes, not chemical athletes:'
Ben says. "Bodybuilding is not
body destruction. Quote me'
the IFBB has also begun ro
fight back against McMahon.
After the Mr. Olympia debacle in
Chicago, Ben Weider issued an
advisory memorandum to his ein-
rinology
ployees. McMahon's bodybuild-
ers, Ben pointed out, make as
many as 50 promotional appear-
ances a yearfar fewer than pro
wrestlers but grueling for body-
builders, most of whom appear
in only a handful ofshows annu-
ally. Ifa WBF bodybuilder wins
the publicized prize money at an
event, it counts toward his guar-
anteed salary and is not necessar-
ily paid over and above it. Fur-
thermore, WBF bodybuilders'
percentages of earnings from li-
censed products, videos and other
merchandise are based on net
profits rather than gross revenues.
But foremost among Ben
Weider's criticisms of McMahon
The Ultimate Warrior is that everything he touches
and Hulk Hogan turns to kitsch. "The opinion
and Sergeant
(left),
Slaughter (right)
of most people is that wres-
tling as organized by the [WWF)
has been turned into a circus,'
Weider writes in his memo.
To Ben and Joe's delight. the
expected mass exodus of body-
builders from the IFBB to the
WBF has not happened. lt also
a ppears that the pro-wrestling
boom that made McMahon a
multimillionaire in the 1980s
has crested. Pay-per-view rev-
enues for the last two Wrestle-
Manias were significantly lower
than the 1989 record, and live-
wrestling gates have fallen from
an estimated $43 million in 1988
to around $30 million last year.
But Vince McMahon presses
Ofl.Rumors are afoot that Lou
Ferrigno is about to end his 17-
year association with the Weiders
to sign with the WBF. McMahon
is also wooing Cory Everson, a
six-time Ms. Olympia married
.to an editor at the Weiders' Mus-
de & Fitness. The WBF's first live
competition is scheduled to take
place this month in Atlantic City
atnaturally--the Trump Taj
Mahal; another is promised for
later this year, and at least four
moreareslatedfor 1992."l'mdo-
ing this for the athletes' McMa-
hon has declared. "I just want to
see them get a fair shake:' )
JUNE 1991 SPY r

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( iab1c 1iowtcr. at least for ilw .tvrr- 'Vehl. not bumg ex.ut i Is bug spruv
tgudy Itbr4I uiiivcrsitv gridiiate in tdIed U) a hoi ik of beer (hie resulting
X'(t. .Sd U/au! )f,lj !(ÌIl 4bv1!If LOckt4iI huems ihr kkk oi i third of i bøui k
tIL1!tIC11t goe;. 1)/it (I! fed.it tir /'roiig/it olvodka. Three sqLIirts onh remember
,l It! I ni',,, 1110 the lu oìtiI/ .t'?l/11r. eXperieii(c: hiLs shown thu iu,v timore uii
)nly probicrii is. lie diciiit . Ihe mon- be 1urah llioughu (ìorbut hey e%'emItLI4hhv
s. b1oodthirm y rvr1t ut rrsponibk ¡ib.i mudomied the mn i-.tk oh mol mn pa igim be-
(II% of zIlllh()L1s Of dcii lis Lcfl1tlIv gun Lw his predeesor, Vuiri Amudropuv
}1c1pe(1 ( rc4Ue imm lot) hu 1mt .tdveiiaed
t (S(Idd(111V reahiiiuig thai 'odkt produt non
ommiv LO LL)OL1tI 890. It i,. .t onntrv wherc iouniech for h8 pert rut of the (;NP.
.ou Lalmilot lind 'i1t. Ii is a t I)Im,Itrv vhcre nit- tovernineiii-drcreed dt»-.m rntion oh
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hundreds of ancient vineyards and vodka factories has left the Soviet
Union with a chronic alcohol shortage. Hence the following completely
authentic recipes for getting stinko in common use in the Soviet Union K',mw,ìoI kayi Pra z 'da reported
WI zen

in 1991: the eve o1 the (hilf \Var that 30()

Ofl

.., 'rake black shoe polish and spread it on a slice olbread, twice as thick SoViet VOfl)Cfl 118(1 refused to leave
Baghdad after learnin, rhevd be al-
as you would butter. Set the bread ou a radiator until dry. Scrape otf the toWed otil' 20 kilograms of luj.gaj.e. an
shoe polish and eat the bread. Servings: one. idea started raking shape in ti' ,ind.
Fill a small bowl with white bread and cover with cologne (citrus scents Sure, I knew that vives of Soviet oRi-
are said to be especially effective). Once the cologne is absorbed by the cers stationed in eastern Germany were
bread, serve immediately. Servings: three. dc'nionstrat i ng agai nsr he-i ng sen t honte
froii (;h<.)lLt( Land," but they weren't
r Squeeze some glue into one cup ofwater. Take a hand mixer and apply i Ill var ione. 'Iiwti
it to the mixture until the glue wraps around the beaters. Remove beaters
I remembered how
and drink. Servings: one.
.P
Soviets love to dis-
Squeeze toothpaste into a cup of water and mix. Let stand one day P1")' eflhl)ty \'1arI-
while the mixture divides, the paste rising to the top. Remove the paste boro cigarette l)dck-
and drink. Servings: one. cts and \X'cstcrn ler-
"p,

Combine one wooden table leg with some sugar in a saucepan and boil fume l)OXC5 LIOI1g-
mixture while collecting the resulting vapors in a homemade still. Keep at side their crystal and
it, and eventually you'll have something akin to vodka. chi na. Suddenly ir SATISFIED CUSTOMERS
all clicked: what bet- One Muscovite snuqg
Shave a small circle on your head about the size ola quarter or a I- ter place tO dispose up to a hatless Fredd1
ruble coin. Put on a tight woolen hat with a circle cut out over the shaved of ten years' worth of Krueger doll; another
skin. Apply shoe polish to the skin. Go for a walk in the fresh air and enjoy 1(('tIfllUlated house- digs for Western
the resulting high. Reapply shoe polish as needed. treasure in a Gap bag
hohl detritusaccu-
.

Maybe the Soviet Union does manufacture television sets (many of u) U IdtC(.l ¿1 nie,-ia,ì household detri tus
which explode), but a recent stay suggested thit Gogol and Dostoyevski than the Soviet Unio,i ? '(That E)c-ttcr
would, a century later, feel r.z1ìt at home. One difference: in their time, if place for a successful garage sale?
you asked Moscow schoolgirls what they wanted to be when they grew up. 'l'bere WdS OflC hitch. In tue Soviets'
70 percent would probably not have answered, ., currency prostitute' recent headlong rush to devc-lop a mar-
ket econoniv. huy forgot to legalize
t

lrivate property. Ihat me-ans it's a

Ihe police captain who was so helpful in smoothing the way for our crinle for an iilisidii,il io sell ti-
important sociological experiment, thegarage sale [see "One Coun- thuievcn a broken shower radio or
try's Trash:' right), has also arranged for me to spend a night driving old /7 (;/I1(/CSfl the Soviet Union.
around with Moscow's criminal-investigation unit - a sort of Rus- X'el I , I asked ini' Soviet friends,
sian Aa'am-12 operation. The police district, despite being home to could i we j i ist i i n load sonìewhere and
the Mezbdunarodnaya (Armand Hammer's glitzy hotelbusiness work reall' last1 "The ,,ii/it.ci, will ar-
center) and McDonald's, includes a poor, crime-ridden neighbor- rest 'oti within te nhinutes,' I sas
hood known as Shelepikha. Since the end ofWorld War li. Shelepikha has told. Okay. what about getting in the
been populated by ex-convicts and out-of-towners working illegally in car and hitting a succession of street
Moscow without a propiska (residency permit). corners' "'rlìe ,,i,/ii.ia will have the li-
The chief inspector, Andrei Evgenyevich, is a slight, thin-lipped man cense J)lLte within ten minutes and ar-
with enormous, weary blue eyes. The problems facing men like him are rest you by nightfall." I then suggested
daunting. The Moscow police force has 4,800 vacancies, and the pay visiting i biack narker ail bribing tlx'
is only around 280 rubles a month. Violent crime has been steadily in organizers. "The)' don't v.mt the corn-
creasing (crime statistics have been available only since 1987; before that petition. When )POLI open up your boxes
there was officially no crime in "the worker's paradise"), and it's easier for with fanc' stuff from the \X'est, they're
racketeers and well-armed gangs to thrive in a society in which people apt to kill ii'OU." 'Vhen I asked iii' con-
don't think to inform the police because they don't believe the police tact at the Interior Ministry. he suggesr-
will help them. ed I just forget the whole thing. Sorne-
'A police officer must deal with criminals who now have everything a body else said he had a friend who'd
dacha, technology, a car, a lover. What does a policeman have?' Andrei give tut' 5 .000 rubles for boxes. t lic

Evgenyevich asks, perhaps missing the point just a little. sight unseen. Nor iiu fiiii iii that. lì

A bit later, we are cruising with two other officers in a black Volga squad linallv, i friuiiI .iinc rli' ii itli

car. After successfully disarming a drunk we spot waving a long, sharp PerIc(I , t iaiì silìrnc. sPY
horotiglilv R i
knife. we pull up to the curb and chat with a lone old woman. Nina, 70 the I ii rriiìat ional Association of
years old with yellowish hair and highly rouged cheeks, is a street informer L____11-'

6OSYJUNE 1991
 Valentin Efremovich was convinced we
011o Coulliry's Trash Is ANother Coulltry's were reasonable people.
Now came the moment of decision.
S11us-Eohaociog ßric-a-brac Ile picked up his phonea bad sign
¡fou' Our Used L,,ii Brushes Fwmd Iheir Way 1,iio the Soviet Black ¡Il arket and tried to call the chairman ro ask

Cultural Workers, a Moscow artists' col-

lecuve, would join forces to "conduct a
* in the West that we intend to repli-
sociological experiment." The single ex-
ception to the Soviets' strict "no selling"
laws are the ba/n,chki (grandmothers)
who stand in every public market and
sell pathetic castoffsold unmatched
shoes from Bulgaria, for exampleto
catethe office party [see page 66),
which entails a rather large buffet and,
of course, liquor. Everyone vlrn assist-
ed in the garage sale would certainly
be welcome at the party. Suddenly
TIME AND PLACE December 23, 1990, 1:00 p.m. empty vegetable stand 'n
his advice. Luckily for us, Soviet
interoffice phones are about as efficient
as one would expect. After the retith
try, Valetitin Efremovich slammed
down the phone, snatched Up his pen
and signed the three permission forms.
To witness an apparatchik making a
decision all by himself macleperesiroika,
for one brief moment, a living thing.
;

supilenient their tiny state pensions.

Though the bab,,chki are technically ,m ?iinski Market, Moscow. TEMPERATURE: 8 degrees centigrade. CURRENCy: rubles ónTy.
A SELECTION OF OUR MERCHANDISE:

criminals, the authorities look tue other IIIj:

way. Our bold experiment: to see how 1Jçl1j['

an American selling pathetic castoffs- imitation Gucci purse in Leatherette 50 2ii
'
1.79
old unmatched shoes from K mart, for used eye-shadow kit 50 30 2.14 J

faded guiltedChristmas wreath 50 30 2.14

examplewould (lo stand ing among flat rubber sink stopper 15 10 - '

0.71
the bab,ichki.
J

Coors-beer pins with blinking lights 10 each 15 each 1.07

Flowery, convoluted rjuests in eige plastic exercise sandals 100 30 2.14
both English and Russian were drawn opened pack of back plasters 20 15 1.07
up on the proper stationery and signed 6 plastic swizzle sticks 10 5 0.36
with a flourish by the respective orga- CARAMBA T-shirt 150 100 7.14
nizations. Then, various official-look- half bottle of Paul Mitchell hair gel _75 50 3.57
airplane bottle of Bull's Head brandy 35 30 2.14
ing seals having been attached, the
documents were taken to the Krasnaya small, hatless Freddygdoll 10 3 0.21
broken shoehorn 3 1 0.07
Presnaya District Militsia Station. promotional Christmas ornament for bad
Somehow, we managed to charm tlic Sean Penn movie We're NoAngels 15 10 0.71
lieutenant on duty and were at once re- dirty white vinyl slip-on shoes 50 20 1.43
ceived by district captain Akxei Pante-
leyrnonovich. who thanked us profuse- used d!gjh 10 3 0.21
worn redhikini undei 3 1 0.07
ly t'or choosing his district for our im- Van Halen cassette 15 10 0.71
portant experiment. Yes, of course, it B&B Scotch matches 15 10 0.71
would be line for me to line up with
the babuchki, he said. He did. however, O

insist on assigning plainclothes securi-

ty for the event. The enthusiastic cap-
tain joined our delegation as we drove
to the district Soviet to get approval.
The chairman was out, so we had to
settle for the deputy chairman, one
Valentin Efremovich. This time the
captain did all the talking, explaining
that the militsia would be only too glad
to provide all assistance necessary for
our important experiment.
%Vhai u ¡/1 )'011 (/0 with ¡he 111011e)'?,
Valentin Efremovich wished to know.
Ah, we ex-
plained, thert
is a tradition
Ibough we were segregated from the
ba/ni.hki (the ,,iilit.cia thoughtfu I Iv
worried that we might put them out of
business), we .iuickly drew a substantial
crowd. To be in a Soviet mob is a bruis-
ing experience. Employing the same
strategy that defeated I litler, Soviets es-
chew flanking maneuvers and move
from A to B directly, Ut) matter what
obstacle lies in their path. The results of
the experiment vere conclusive: Soviets
are just as willing Americans to buy
LS
other peo-
pIe's trash.
F o r t y - fo u r
minutes after setting up, we sold out.
netting the magnificent sum of 5,OO()
rubles, which ecuals the salary oía Soviet
i':igineer for 18 monthsS8,333 at the
officia! accounting rate, $3,125 at the
commercial rate, $833 at the tourist
rate, or $250 at the then black-market
rate.
To really put the sum in perspective,
had our sale occurred a month later, on
J anuary 22, we would have lost ne-ar!y
everything: on that date. the 50- and
100-ruble notes we collected were de-
dared nonnegotiab!e by the Soviet goy-
ernrnent. A.W
*ß,tJ w, ihr iz'ragr S'tiri ' (/(tl/ Ulgr I 4 rub/r.
 i

commodity in the Soviet Union, and

it is not uncommon for quasi-
hygienic, recycling-mad citizens to
reuse each one up to three times.

who earns her living performing oral sex for 3 rubIes.

Back at the militsia station, the radio crackles with a report: a woman Smcc the West Coast of Ameri
has murdered her brother. Within ten minutes we are at the crime site, the most modern outpost of West-
searching the entryway's grimy walls for the building's electronic entry em civilization, and since the Soviet
code (residents almost always scratch their code somewhere on the outside Union has preserved so many medi-
wall in case they forget it when they stumble home drunk). The code dis- eval traditions, it should come as no
covered, we hurry up the urine-scented stairs to a tiny apartment on the surprise that the partnership between
third floor. Hollywood and Moscow did not be-
A skinny militsioner in a tall fur cap stands quietly by the door of gin well. The first joint American-Soviet
No. 23. Everything in the scene is timeless. The cramped room, with its film project born ofperestroika was a 1989
dirty wallpaper and crumbling ceiling, and the people assembled there, movie called Stalingrad, which starred
would hardly be diffèrent if it were 1890 or 1790 or, no doubt, 2090. Powers Boothe. lt was produced by Quincy
At a small dining table sit an intoxicated, sobbing woman of6O and her Jones with $2.5 million of Warner Bross
drunk, glassy-eyed daughter. The daughter's pudgy hands are covered in money. Only the strange imaginations of the
blood. Across her left wrist, "Slave ofthe CPSU [Communist Party of the Russian people and Hollywood executives
Soviet Unioni" is tattooed in Russian. On the table are a bottle of vodka, working in concert could possibly have
dirty shot glasses, the day's copy of TrudÇ'Labor") and some salted fish. The conceived a movie about Stalingrad that
stifles a yawn, points to the kitchen door and asks if I'd like
Pflilitsioner was produced by MichaelJackson's arranger.
to take a look. A pane of glass is missing from the door, and over the J ones's Russian director was one Yuri Ozerov,
opening hangs a tattered lace curtain. a Brezhnevite toady whose career is based
I pull back the curtain and see a slender man flat on back in the on six World War IIera epics that glorify
tiny kitchen. He is around 30 and shirtless. Two blue flames hiss on the Josef Stalin (one of them was at one time
stove, and drying laundry bangs from a line strung high across the room. officially required viewing for every Soviet
The light from a bare bulb reveals a seven-inch-long kitchen knife, covered citizen). But there's moreit turned out
with blood and bits of flesh, lying on the counter. (Earlier, the chief in- neither Warners nor Jones was really all
spector told me that the most popular murder weapon is the kitchen knife, that interested in making Stalingrad: Warner
followed by Raskolnikov's choice, the ax.) Anatoli Zazonovich, the half- Bros. was just smoothing the way to build
naked, still young man, lies in a half-gallon pool of blood, disemboweled. multiplexes in the Soviet Union and to cut
His skin is so very white that I can't believe he has been dead for only an deals with a Soviet record company; and
hour. Strangest ofall, there are no signs ofa struggle. There is an explana- J ones was using the movie as a test run for
tion for this: it seems the sister the pudgy girl with the tattoo managed the American-Soviet production of his
to do the job in such a tidy fashion, relatively speaking, because her dreams, a film biography of Aleksandr
brother was dead drunk. Pusbkin. Before shooting was completed,

Ó2SPYJUNE 1991
Stalingrad became mired in several thorny I,twsuits; the him was never
released in the West. This example did not discourage ¡novicmakcrs eager
to exploit Soviet chic, however.
One day last December, more than 100 bundled-up Muscovites could
be seen patiently riding the same, steep escalator at the Kievskaya metro
station up and down, over and over. They weren't waiting in some new
kind ofmobile food line; they were extras in 20th Century Foxs fall release
&wk in the USSR. With the state shops bare and a kilo of meat going for
30 rubles in the free market (and 50 rubles just a few months later),
15 rubles a day for riding an escalator didn't seem so bad.
Outside, in the well.appointed trailer he was sharing with Soviet starlet
iataiya iegoua Ll1tle Vera), rran wnaiey
(Robby Krieger in The Doors) sighed, "'L'hree
months and two weeks. That's how long l've been
here, and it seems like seven and a half years'
Back i,, the USSR, directed by the American
Deran Sarafian (Death Warrant), is the tale oían
American tourist who tries to smuggle a stolen
religious icon out ofthe country and gets mixed
up with Moscow's violent gang world. "This is
the closest l've been to a character," Whaley said,
"because I've literally been living the role. The
filmisaboutatouristwhogetstrappedhereand as o oi 0V
is nearly killed, and I thought that was sort of
happening to rne.' Evidently all the Americans
had been living the role. "We had a fake demonstration in the film:' recalls
Sarafian. "It was a protest in front of Pizza Hut about not enough bread in
the stores, and before I knew it, we had regular people joining in. The KGB
came Lii) and told us not to do this, that people's lives were threatened:'
'I'hc too-perfect final act ofthis adventure was an incident involving ex-
ecutive producer Lou Stroller (Scarface). As he was boarding a plane from
Moscow to New York, Stroller was detained at Customs for attempting to
smugjle out a valuable seventeenth-century icon. The icon in question was
only a fake the producer had bought at a local market. He had had it
wuched up by a Moscow artist and was bringing it back to the States so
that Sarafian could shoot the film's titles over it. After being thoroughly
searched and interrogated, and having had his cache ofRussian Christmas
presents confiscated, Stroller was allowed to departiconless.
Moscow's embrace of Tinseltown takes curious forms. I managed to
cadge an invitation to the Nika Awards, the three-year-old Soviet version
ofthe Oscars, held in the huge House ofCinema. Some ofthe nominated
films had appeared on the nation's screens as much as three years earlier.
'l'he program, which included an Egyptian-themed rap performance, be-
gan with a Parade ofvarious beauty queens (among them, Miss USSR Tele-
vision) gliding across the stage carrying the award statuettes. Although
the acceptance speeches were often no more than a nod, the presenters
rambled on endlessly. The Soviets seem to have taken the American model
too much to heart: it took five and a half hours to give out a mere 14
awards and they didn't even perform the Best Song nominees.
Minterview with the head oía government-sponsored Struggle
Against Alcohol campaign is testimony to the earnestness and
up-to-date competence with which the Soviet deals with
alcoholism: calling ahead to reconfirm, my contact learns that
the anti-alcoholism official ran into a friend with a bottle of
vodka and is now unconscious on the living-room sofa. In other
words, there is no interview. This, I'm told, should come as no
surprise. Leo Kiley, an American working in Moscow with the Soviet-
A iiìerican Alcoholism Conference, says
that the official study ofalcoholism is in its
infancy. In many cases it has become just
another excuse for well-connected Soviets
to come to America and buy VCRs. Kiley
helped arrange for one large group to visit
the Betty Ford Center, but upon arriving
in southern California, the Soviets simply
refused to tour the treatment center and
went to L.A. instead.
The social contract between the Soviet
s c oice e ax
government and its people requires that the
state provide the basic necessities of life
jobs, housing, shoddy clothing, bread, fatty
sausage, potatoes, tobacco and vodka - at
prices that, until April, subsidies ensured
were rock-bottom; in return, the people do
as they are told. The result is a society aller.
gic to work and awash in alcohol, "Male
society here is priinitive' says Kiley. "You
go from the factory or the institute and buy
a couple of bottles, and since there aren't
any bars, you go out behind some building,
and you pass the bottle around. l'here is no
notion of pleasure, of sitting down and re-
laxing and having a drink. And the state's
recent efforts to curb alcohol production
have only made the people's thirst more
desperate. That doesn't mean it's easy to be
an alcoholic in the Soviet Union. Not at
all. Drunks are arrested and then often
robbed and beaten. If arrested repeatedly,
a person is registered as an alcoholica
designation that is recorded on his or her
internal passport - and forcibly admitted
to a treatment center.
in the Soviet Union a particular branch
of medicine was developed to deal with
alcoholism - narcology. The most notable
feature of this primarily punitive disci-
pline is that none of its methods work. At
Moscow's Hospital No. 17, operated by
chief narcologist Eduard Drozdov, who
sets treatment policy for the entire Soviet
Union, 3,500 of the 6,500 patients are
JUNE 1')'?I SPY 6'
 *
Shouners carry chemlcal-treatefl uauer

LIPIDS Io slick into fruits

ann vegetables for a nuick toxicity reading

for a price, as is aversion therapy. One part
ofaversion therapy involves giving a patient
ipecac, an emetic, and setting him in front of
a bucket with a bottle ofvodka in view; while
the patient vomits, a nurse stands nearby and
insults him. After this, the patient is tossed
back into a society that drinks constantly yet
disdains the registered alcoholic and regards
h im as i rremed iably incompetent.
If all these methods fail, the registered
alcoholic is likely to be sent to the LTP pro-
gram: two years in a forced-labor camp
where no treatment is offered and all con-
tact with family is denied. One member of
Moscow's three-year-old Alcoholics Anony-
mous program told me that there are at
least 8,000 alcoholics in forced-labor pro-
grams in Moscow alone.
Progress, in the form of American
ATTENTION, SHOPPERS! "I'll take that leg of Iamb by the oil bucket." know-how, is slow to take hold. An experi-
The choicest meat is sold at a tailgate-style black market. Top: Commercial mental 40-bed, American-style treatment
Stores are comparatively well stocked. (Sorry, no matching parities.) center that Drozdov permitted to be estab-
lished with funds from U.S. Tobacco is
given twice-daily doses of sedatives such as phenobarbita! and then sent finally open after six months' delay. (Droz-
to spend their days working at a nearby munitions plant or ZIL auto- dov's group gets 1,500 rubles per patient.)
mobile factory. This is the standard six-month treatment program for alco- Ann Miller, a soft-spoken American who is
boucs who are turned over by the militsia. One American counselor who the director ofthe clinic, says, "The whole
has worked with Dr. Drozdov explains that of the money patients earn, foundation ofthis treatment center, which
they keep 30 percent; another 40 percent goes to the hospital for their is really based on AA and humanistic psy-
medicine, food and bed in a six-bed room. I never could find out where chotherapy, is that you have to take respon-
the other 30 percent goes. I do know that Drozdov has a new car and lives sibility for your own recovery. This is corn-
in a new and quite desirable housing complex. Not bad for a guy whose pletely different from anything in this soci-
salary is less than 1,000 rubles a month' This American compares current ety' Miller is encouraged by the first group
Soviet methodology for treating alcoholism to that ofthe U.S. circa 1950. to have completed a month's residency; she
Some patients also receive the 'torpedo' a chemical-filled capsule that is had only one walkout. 'At the end of 30
surgically implanted, usually in the upper arm. (lfyou drink and you have days, there were some people who wouldn't
these chemicals in your system, you become violently ill.) Soviets tell of leave. They had never in their life been
having seen people use their teeth to tear the torpedoes out oftheir arms. treated so well as they have been here'
Alcoholics who can afford to seek treatment on their own may retain
their anonymity and have several choices. Something called coding is offered
by a special facility within Hospital No. 17, under the direction oía narcol- Ihe medieval town of Zagorsk, a
ogist mockingly nicknamed Valba the Great by his patients. The client is tiny, fairy-tale place crowned by the
hypnotized and then bombarded with messages of socialist discipline" that golden cupolas of the Saint Sergius
are meant to instill guilt and shame "You cannot drink; you will let down Monastery, sits 75 kilometers north
Mother Russia, your family, yourself ...... This is supposed to result in a cure of Moscow. lt is also home to a
lasting up to five years. A two-hour session costs 300 rubles, a significant Soviet "holding prison' Under Soviet
piece ofchange for a Soviet. Valba the Great is also enthusiastic about con- law, a person suspected of a crime
ducting experiments on his patients using LSD. Blood cleansing is available can wait in such a prison for up to a year

64 SPYJUNE 1991
and a half(and even that can be extended at a prosecutor's request) while
the state investigates the case and decides whether to bring charges. A 1990
innovation dictates that a suspect now has the right to request an attorney
upon arrest rather than after formal charges are filed. Because ofthe short.
age of attorneys, however, this new right remains largely theoretical.
I arranged a visit to the Zagorsk prison with the help oía contact at the
Interior Ministry. 1-laying at first declared it an outrage that an American
'ournalist should even think ofasking to visit a Soviet prison, a general in
the ministry eagerly signed the necessary papers once a bottle of duty-free
Drambuie was mentioned. So, accompanied by a major in the Interior
Ministry (he eagerly volunteered once begot wind ofthe Drainbuie), I set
offfor Zagorsk.
En route to the prison, the major, a grim, by-the-book sort, is eager to
clear up any misconceptions about his country's correctional institutions.
"Somehow he says, 'the idea of prisons in Russia got associated with the
concept of brutality' He admits that though Solzhenitsyn did tell 'some
truths" in The Gulag Archipelago, "for the most part, he lied.' When I ask
about standard police methodology, lie brushes the question aside, saying
it is "too complicated to discuss.
Zagorsk prison is a rambling, dilapidated, three-story structure of
colorless stucco. Two hundred years old, the building has never been re-
stored or remodeled - unless you count the time the Bolsheviks dynamited
the frison church. Entering the captain's office, the major and I are greeted
by a sweetly smiling trio: the captain, a low-key and well-spoken man of
about 50; the zampolit (political oflicer), a 30-ish charmer whose Tony Cur-
tis eyelashes shade "oily eyes" (what Russians identify as the first sign of
serious nipping); and, astonishingly, an archimandrite (a monastery ofli-
cial). Although the prison officers, unlike the major, are upbeat about my
visit (the short winter days must be long indeed in the Zagorsk prison), the
zaìipolii shoots down my first question by saying, "The system is very corn-
plicated. Ifwe explain it all, you'll only become confused:' The captain has
more confidence in me and volunteers the basic information: since this is
a holding prison, it houses suspects accused of a broad range of crimes,
from petty theft to murder. The inmates are separated according to sex,
age, severity ofcrime and number ofprevious offenses. The prisoners have
access to a prison library and are entitled to free newspaper subscriptions,
daily exercise and the rights to receive a ten-kilogram parcel once a month
from relatives and to purchase up to 20 rubles of food a month from the
prison store. The cells, lie says, are equipped with radios.
In an hour and a half not a word has been spoken about touring the
prison. Nevertheless, the captain now suggests we take a rest. The zampo/it
is out ofhis chair like a shot, beaming. We adjourn for lunch to a private
room at The Golden Ring, a nearby tourist restaurant named for the high-
way that links several picturesque medieval villages near Moscow. There is
a moment ofuneasiness before I understand the situation and suggest that
"perhaps a cupful ofsomething would be nice, ifit is not against ministry
regulations' Sudden smiles all around. A waitress comes in with a bottle
and glasses, and the toasts begin, each one washed down with vile Russian
brandy: to America, to the Soviet Union, to peace, to inutuì! understand-
ing. to Bush, to Gorbachev, to the Soviet correctional system, tO honest
journalists, to American womanhood. ..and so on.
After a meal that is extremely lavish for a small village like Zagorsk, I
am finally allowed to tour the prison. We reach the cells by passing through
a series of tight stairwells and corridors watched over by silent, sullen-
faced guards. I am taken to three cells that house, respectively, two women,
five teenage boys and ten adult men. All the cells are narrow (approxi-
mately 10 feet by 26 feet), exceedingly cramped, dark, damp and dirty. In
each cell, a long wooden bench runs alongside one wall, above which eight
metal cots fold out from the wall in two rows offour. I see no radios. Only
the cell with the two women comes close to
providing the minimum space required
per person in New York prisons. In the
ten-man cell, inmates sleep on the floor or
the men occupy the beds in turns.
The prisoners in the ten-man cell are sus-
pected ofsevere crimes - murder, rape and
speculation. They are not intimidated by the
major's blustering presence. One man says
they are prohibited from seeing their rda-
tives and are not allowed to send or receive
mail. He is curious about prison condi-
tions in the United States. The major does
not contradict the prisoner's charges, and I
am allowed to briefly explain the Amen-
can system. When one prisoner yells, "We
are grateful to our leaders for disorganiz-
ing the country!" the major hustles me out.
In the basement, where the isolation
cells are, the hallways are even narrower. A
heavy door swings open, and the major
and I step in. Before us stands a 21-year-
old blond man who averts his face. The cell
is so small that the three of us are almost
touching. There is no window and nothing
in the cell but a pipe, closed offby a hinged
cap, that protrudes from the floor. The
place smells like an open sewer.
"This young man refused to clean his
cell, and that is why he will stay here for ten
days' says the major, adding that the pris-
onen is allowed no diversion whatsoever.
I ask the young man what crime he is
charged with, and in a hoarse. low voice,
without looking at me, he says, "A military
crime, I was violent to my fellow soldiers,
the younger ones:' His is a quite common
crime: The Red Army is a brutal institu-
tion composed of 4.5 million conscripts.
The hazing of young soldiers is legendary
for its cruelty. Tens of thousands of boys
are robbed, beaten, maimed and even cas-
trated each year in the Army; the annual
peacetime death toll is around 7,000.
Though it's liard to feel sympathy for the
young man, I am uncomfortable witness-
ing his hurndiation and ask to leave.
011 the way back to Moscow the major
tells me that the number of Soviet prisons
is classified information, and as for the
number ofthe country's total prison popu-
lation, well, the major says, he's never
thought to ask. Capital punishment is ad-
ministered for treason, espionage, murder
and crimes that undermine the economic
health of the state. Under current execu-
tion procedure the condemned prisoner
is brought into a room and is shot in the
back ofthe head with a pistol.
JUNE 1991 SPY 65
 gasoline) and stop at Sadko, a hard-cur-
the proceeds from our experimental Aincrican.style garage rency grocery next to Pizza Hut, for clean-
sale, we threw an experimental American-style office party. Like ing supplies, toilet paper, four packages
the sale, the party went pretty imich the way it would have gone of spaghetti and a copy of Newsweek
in the Stares; it was the party preparations that proved u nique. ($28.79). Two helpers head into the metro
Since you can get anything for U.S. dollars in Mosco we de. in search of flowers; they ride two stops
cided that (or the sake of Soviet verisimilitude, we would buy and back and emerge with huge bouquets
iith party supplies with rubles only. We had a lordly 5,000 rubles to
blowthe equivalent oían engineer's salary for 18 monthsso frugality
of red and white carnations purchased
for 62 rubles. By five we're ready to cook
didn't play the same role it would have with typical Soviets. Availability, and decorate.
however, was as ever a key problem. A pack ofmatches, usually i kopeck, Though our shopping took the better
was going for 5 rubles, 500 times as much. "It's our latest shortage a friend part of two days, it was easy compared
said, smiling almost proudly. Here's how we got the job done. with what the average Soviet citizen would
Top priority: beverages, ofcourse. At 4:00 p.m. we hit the Garden Ring have endured. The same week in one of
Road, which encircles central Moscow, stop at a Commercial Store (one of the state stores, Gastronome No. 1, the
the few places where it is legal to sell goods not produced by the state) and only items available at the state price are
pick up an undistinguished bottle of bourbon (250 rubles) andfrom chickens and boxes of odious Turkish
India - a bottle of Carew's Premium Blue Riband Extra Dry gin (150 ru. tea (locals call it birdshit), though bad
bies). Next stop is a Commercial Store on Leninsky Prospekt: no alcohol smoked fish, filthy jars ofcloudy juice, jam,
here, but plenty ofDrum pipe tobacco, given to the state by the Dutch dur. tangerines and suprisingly good sausage
ing the recent tobacco crisis (the government is now selling the stuff for are available at extremely high prices.
9.8 rubles). Acting on a tip, we head to a store called Antiquities and score Ar No. 14 Kirova, a more typical store,
a bottle ofMetaxa for 250 rubles. We swing by the National Hotel, across the normally clattering abacus has long
from Red Square, where gypsy cabbies sell goods out of their trunks. lt's been silent. There is nothing but Turkish
7:20 p.m., and we learn that there may be beer at 8:00. While cruising tea, Yugoslavian cigarettes and unroasted
near the Rossiya theater, we spot a Commercial Store. After a quick taste coffee beans.
test, we snap up 25 cans ofcola and 15 cans oía Sprite-like drink from Perhaps because affordable food is so
Holland (600 rubles) and 12 tin ashtrays with
ads for Camel cigarettes on them (30 rubles).
Time to try the 'LLxi Park garages, which do a
brisk business in alcohol, cigarettes and spare
parts. The first one has only brandySoviet
*-
brandy. We head across town to Thxi Park No.
4 and learn that the last two bottles of vodka given phenobarflhlal ana
have just been sold. We double back by rh
gypsy cabbies - nO beer yet. Someone sug-
gests the Yugo.Zapadnaya metro station, on
work ai a ilL auto tacloPy
the outskirts ofthe city. 1-lere we pick up five
bottles ofchampagne for 125 rubles and decline to buy the girl the Geor- scarce, it becomes less obligatory for
gians are selling for 250 rubles. Heading back into the city, past a banner shoppers to carry their Indam kits, which
proclaimingcccP OPI.OT MIRA ("The USSR is the stronghold ofpeace"), we are sometimes available at pharmacies and
proceed to the Kievsky railroad station, where, now getting desperate, we food stores: an estimated 30 percent of
buy four quarter.liter bottles of vodka produced in Kiev (an exorbitant the country's fruit, vegetables and meat
40 rubles each). We are breaking a social code here, since only alcoholics is so contaminated with pesticides and
buy quarter-liter bottles. At 2:00 a.m., after ten hours and 1,565 rubles, nitrates (at last: the twentieth century!)
WC take our haul home and taste the Kiev vodka. "Just as I thought!" says that discriminating citizens buy these por-
one of my helpers, making a sour face. "They used petrol as a base!" table chemical-detection kits. The 25-
In the morning we set off to the high-priced Central Market and buy ruble Indam kits consist of thick, dotted-
25 kilos offood for 718 rubles. The beer problem still unsolved, we hurry gray paper strips that shoppers stick into
to Leninsky Prospekt, to one of the beuer black markets. The surging food for a quick toxicity reading before
street crowd is looking to buy beer, candy, sausage, anything for children, purchase. More-well-to-do Soviet citizens
but there is nothing except good Russian vodka - at 30 rubles a half liter. prefer to go shopping with small, por-
We groan at last night's profligacy. table laboratory kits not unlike a child's
By two in the afternoon, we still have no beer, no tonic, no mineral water chemistry set. These food-testing con-
or paper plates, cups or cutlery. Dollars, it seems. will have to be expended. sumers aren't just environmental alarm-
We head to a nearby Beriozka, the state-owned hard.currency store, and istsa few years ago a Soviet writer
have no trouble purchasing these remaining items along with a bottle reported on NPR that, uso inclined, a per-
of Black & White Scotchall for $218.60. Next we drop by a friend's son could successfully commit suicide by
place to pick up two empty Smirnoff bottles (decanters for the distilled eating 16 cucumbers. )

(SPYJUNE 1991
 rv
LUUIL what You've Been MIsS ing!
September 1987 October 1988 August 1989
'Ii \1 i io I)Iii \L) i }lI '1UIi . TiuSPY lOo Who WA Wiio
1)o M&hu Iawyrsoups, a//c'td ()iir aiinual roster of the I 00 most how time travel could really
Mafìi lawyers. i hat isrrally annoying, alarm ing ;Ln(l apall ing vork. The little mogul that
believe rhcyrc performing a !IT::p, lPtC. 1laccs and things, topped couldnt: awful moviemaking
public service? by Al Sharpton. with Dino DeLaurentils.

November 1987 November 1988 September 1989

K \\II)Y RA4IIN(,! VILLA6I IDiom
IIw unsold story ni l)&,ii Jcri). Mick & Keith. Henry Kissinger. Mort
Chappaquiddick and an interfaith Mailer ¿: VidaI. and more. The ZL1ckernI1 . Faye E)unaway and
svrnpsium: vI1 IL(l(I) burn in toughest W((01( in America: other rich-and-famous part-time
11(11 Rudolph (uiulíani. country mice make glamorous
nuisatwes of themselves.
I Ç- J)V1 March 1988 January-February 1989
1i FiÌ()IAX (ENIKAIIOS
i li&. :i i i-jii> (iti ' It) ASUIN(iR)%.! October 1989
Itì Oka'. Youre Late: tIu (etish Americas len Dopiest .I ii: sl'\ i o)

; tor personal . priori t iicI I if-st )'Ie I.awmakersalI those in favor. Our annual census of the I 00
n)aiiag(nThn(. Pitis. inside Mensa! .- say dish. Plus, terminal-impact most annoying. alarming and
energies of the stars! appa I I i ng people. places and
April 1988 rr- things.
I.iii. 1\iI( I i. March 1989
I larold Vashingtons diet nf' ' i, ir lKONR.' I't
November 1989
death. The SPY .tuide to A straigln-ficed look at the Irony WILl) ANI) (;RAz VIPs!
postmodern everything. The new l.pitlemic: how e'erything in the SPY goes undercover with l-Ienr
urban best ian'. Pl us. ghostwri ters! world turned funnyfrom Kissinger. Mery Griffin and
1wister to lwinkies. William 1. BuckleyJr. at
Y May 1988 Bohem ian Grovethe
sp j

WI:I.(OME I() RAI IApril 1989 cstabl ish ment s secret two-week
Th(y live in our walls. they chew ( iisii y GARHA;I! frat
:
.4J

through ør sheet nietal. they -

C()IILc ¿rounds nf the rich and
interoffice memos of the Y I December 1989
:
L : i.uuld uinw up through your I_y
tøilt the delinitive story on rats. _-
iiilfl()LiSa scientific. sanitary and ::'I B
'
liis MA(.A/1NE OR \\ U1.I.
I

-
not at all tiiiseemly investigation. I
Ri KN Tuis FI.AG
I

JuIy-Autjust 1988 I-. Our spectacular Bill of Rights

PRÍ (,l Vs! May 1989 La special. including eleven other
The First Annual Pro-Am I\ANAIt:SMA!
ways (besides burning) to
Irunman NiIìt1iie Decathlon. A special iiivestigative tribute to desecrate the flag.
The George BLISh brie1in book. Ivana Trump. and the LOO(l and
Pitas. rriirn tu ( had news aboLit cryonks. Plus: January 1990
the nubbi ns watch commences! Ht ,i.i'u; A HcriuK CEI.iKKIry
September 1988 SPYs nationwide, statistically
IJI I -\ I ViI I Li.i.i. Ot K SPR:IAL June 1989 valid poll reveals what America
l.( ) A N(,II.!S ISSt ri I .1 . :- %1 AKt A DIAl. X/iii i ii ir
wants from its celebrities. Plus,
S iciitific proof that if you move l(cal-Iif Fausts, from lid Koch to how tu talk like George Bush.
Io l_os Angeles. s'OLi will become J ackie Onassis, and media
J nan (:.11itis. Plus. inside I lef's zillionaires Norman and Fratices , February 1990
Le-ar. Plus. taste-testing dog food! PLAl
Js1(l!
Pt 11ie free-money well runs dry.
July 1989 10(1 \X'all Street goes wacko! Plus.
Si !MER l:tN lsst:r.!
gratuitous mime-bashing!
A really. reall' long article about
William F. Buckles' Jr.! Cooking

r---
sith suet: a culiiiary symposium
un the Fsvinkie!

!
SPY BACK ISSUES ORDER
AL
...ang morel

ISSUES S4OO. UNLESS OTIIERWISE INDICATED

1987 1988 1989 1990 1199i

Sept.($IO) Mar.$5) Sept.(S6) J I. Aug. jan.j IJuly !.J.IF.

E:
Nov.$Io) Apr. Oct.
Nov.
Mar. LPEJ
Oct.
Feb.
Mar.
_L Aug. Mar.
May $6 Apr. Sept. Apr.
J./A.($5) , May 1S6) Nov. Apr. : oct. May
J une Dec. Ma Nov.
I
July lune Dec.

PLEASE ENCLOSE PAYMENT WITH ORDER

\MI-_..--_

AI)I)RI%s ____________

Cv ----- iAII. ZIP

RAcK ISSIlS A'AILAIILI IN U.S. A\t) (;ANAIA Ot'LY. AM()t\T EM;i.osEn
PAn» Ai)i)iiK)NAI. S-1.00 PER IssI:E FOR IOREI(.N AIR-MAlI. ORDiR-.
 Blisilless bankrupt and reorganized under the
name Nimadthat's Da,,ii,i back-
varcl. Then Nirnad filed for bankrupt-
cy and, because Nimad backward
would he Dawi,, again. reorganized
this time as American Business Avia-
ai Joey tion. Capital Equipment had hard
luck. too. Its bonds are in default. He-
What Do Donald Trump, licopters were a good business, but
nothing's a sure thing.
Helicopters, the Federal Courts A t least the tough r i mes of
and Cocaine All Have in Common? bankruptcy were softened a little bit.
An executive at another helicopter
company says the Weichselbaums and
their people always 'spent money as if
they were printing it." For example,
Leasing hei icopters out of Weehawken, New Jer- after he left I)amin, Joey still received
sey, would have been a pretty good business five, six years ago. his S I 00,000 salary and a full-time
Wall Street types were commuting from Greenwich by heu- limo and driver. But he liad his own
copter the way they once took the 7:38 into Grand Central. Yu also problems. In November 1987, Joey
was sentenced to federal prison. He
had the casinos down in Atlantic City flying in high roIIcr. It was had been indicted in federal court in
part of the treatment. It was the eighties. Ohio back in 1985 for shipping large
In 1982, Joseph Weichselbaum went into the helicopter business in amounts of cocaine from Florida and
Weehawken with his brother, Franklyn. I larold Wachtel and Alan selling it in Kentucky and Ohio. It
Turtletatib were in with them. Turtktaub owns The Money Store, the wasn't Joey's first problem with the
place that finances more second mortgages on homes than any other law: In I 965 he had been found guilty
company in the United States. Phil Rizzuto does the ads. of grand larceny. After he was caught
Like any business, the helicopter
business can be simpleor you can
make it complicated. The Weichsel- tip of
baum brothers, Wachtel and Turtle-
taub wanted it complicated. They set
it LII) like this: Turtletaub owned a that (
company cal led Execut ive l-leI icopter. kind in
Bernie Lipshitz, Frank Weichsel-
baum's brother-in-law, ran the compa- Negati
ny. Executive bought heficopters and in Dece
resold them to Capital Equipment
D'

Associates. Frank Weichselbaum's

other brother-in-law. Robert Kirsch-
lier, ran Capital Equipment. In order pany,
to buy the helicopters, Capital Equip- direct
ment sold some helicopter-leasing tax
shelters to investors. But most of' thc Weichs
money came from tlìe tax-free bonds
comps
Capital Equipment sold through the
New Jersey Econom ic Development V
Administration. After buying the he- intere
licopters from Executive, Capital
Equipment leased them to Damm whir'
Aviation in Weehawken. All clear?
Damm Aviation was owned by
Frank Weichselhaurn, Wachtel and
TurtletaLib. From 1983 to 1986, Jocy
Weichselbaum was general manager. Joseph Weichselbaum, left
Damm did business with a number of
casinos, but it had hard luck. Ir went ' I . r c - f n r't f h
'

(1SPY(NI 1991
embezzling in 1979, hed had to
make restitution of S i 35,000 to S&S
Corrugated Paper Machinery. As far as
J oey's mob connections go, a Florida
police detective has said, "1 was con-
vinced Joey was pretty big. " Joey co-
operated with the authorities in the
1985 case. His seven co-conspirators
received sentences of up to 20 years.
A strange thing happened with
Joey's sentencing. He was going to
plead guilty, but suddenly he wanted a
(hange ofvenue from Ohio. It's unusu-
al to request a change of venue for a
plea bargain. "That would be unusual,'
says Fred Hafetz, a prominent crimi-
nal-defense attorney. Even more
strange was the place Jocy wound up.
Florida might have made sense, or
Manhattan, where Joey was domiciled.
Instead, his case went to federal district
court in Newark, New Jersey. It was
assigned to Judge Maryanne Trump
Barry. After abotit three weeks the case
was reassigned to Judge Harold Acker-
man. One person who wrote a lever to
Ackerman attesting to Joey's fine char-
acter was the real estate developer and
casino owner Donald Trump, Judge
Barrys brother. Trumps letter to the
federal court called Joey "a pretty nice
guy,' according to .Joey. Anyway, Joey
got three years.
Until he took up residence at the
Metropolitan Correctional Center on
J anuary 8, 1988, Joey's address was
the Trump Plaza, on 61st and Third.
Trump had arranged for him to lease
an apartment on a "half-cash, half-
barrer" basis, Joey says. The barter
part was use of Damins helicopters.
Trump needed helicopters to fly high
rollers to the Trump Castle and Trump
Plaza casinos in Atlantic City.
A high roller is a guy who owns,
say, an auto-parts-supply company. Or
maybe lies in construction or owns a
soft-drink bottler. He's from Buffalo or
Massapequa, and he might even still
drive a Lincoln, if he lìasnt bought a
Mercedes. When he comes to a casino
in Atlantic City. he's ready to drop at
least $20,000 or $30,000. What he
really wants is to be a wise guy for a
weekend. He wants to toss money
arotinci as if a few grand were chump
change. He wants to be a big shot. The
wants to treat him like a big
shot. Whatever he wants he gets, sup-
plied at absolutely no additional
charge. If he wants to come in by heu-
copter, the casino takes care of it.
Limos too. If he wants booze and wom-
en, aul he has to do is say the word.
And the eighties what a high roller
Iii
rmhahly wanted was not just a ride in
l helicopter and booze and women but
also cocaine. Sure, I was othred okc
gambling dowti diere," says one lìih
roller, referring to the
Trump Plaza and Trump
Castle. An employee at the
1h e
1
Castle has attended parties
at the casino where high
rollers were given cocaine. for the I ugh rollers Teitler still keeps an apart-
"lt happened all the time,"
the employee says. have to come
The little extras for the
huigh rollers have to come from so mewhere. free usealmost as if he
irorn somewhere. Let's take
the helicopters, for exam- Let's take the a Mercedes and a white
plc. From 1985 until the
fall of 1990, the Trump heIico
Plaza casino paia Damiiì
Aviation (and then Nirnad
ex Impie
and then American Busi-
ness Aviation) $80,000 a
month for helicopter service. The Cas-
de paid about 3 1 00,000 a month from
1986 until 1990. Joey also maintained
Trump's personal helicopter, the liana.
Something is strange here. If Trump
had wanted helicopter service, he had
a number of companies to choose
from. He didn't have to stick with one
that went bankrupt twice during the
time he was a client. And there is an-
other strange thing: Trump acquired
three Resorts International heI icopters
in I 988 and formed Trump Airbut
for some reason kept paying Joey's
company $180,000 a month for beh-
copter service.
Last June, after learning of a re-
porter's curiosity about Joey Weich-
selbaum, a senior law-enforcement
official suddenly appeared at an inter-
view the reporter was conducting
with a certain individual known to
this official. The oficial informed the
reporter of a "large-scale investigation
of the distribution of drugs in some
Atlantic City casinos."
J ocy was paroled around June
I 989. He is now cooperating with the
Drug Enforcement Agency, spy has
learned. In February of this year, he
made a trip to Miami for a secret
meeting with the Department of Jus-
tice. He has also moved to 725 Fifth
Avenue. You know the buildingit
says TRUMP TOWIiR in big gold letters
on the front. In January 1989, six
months before Joey's release from
prison, his girlfriend. Ronnee Lake
Teitler, paid $2.35 million in cash for
apartments 49A and 49B in Trump
Tower. Joey told srs' that
he does live at Trump
rower but that the apart-
i tie extras belong to Teitler,
whorìì he calls his fiancée.
ment on 57th Street, but
Joey didn't have much to
say about that. Joey has
owned them himselfof
Rolls-Royce registered to
ters, for Teitler's father.
A parole board likes to
see that you have a job be-
I
fore it lets you out of
prison. Joey told his board
he was going to be a helicopter consul-
tant to the real estate developer and
casino owner Donald Trump. Trump
declined to discussJoey with sPY.
.Joey has an answering service.
When SPY called him to arrange an
interview, we left only a first name
and an unlisted phone number with
the service. Jocy called back a few
days later. The day after that, we got a
call on the unlisted number from
Matthew Calamari. Trump's chief of
security. He said he was calling to
find out "what you want to know." He
gave two or three different explana-
tions of how he'd come to have the
unlisted phone number. Eventually,
Marty said Jocy Weichselbaum had
told a Trump executive (Matty didn't
remember precisely which Trump ex-
ecurive) that someone was asking
questions about Mr. Trump. For a he-
licoprer consultant, Joey lives pretty
well. For a helicopter consultant, he
seems pretty important to Matty Cala-
mari and the unnamed Trump execu-
tive. For Joey Weichselhaum, the he-
licopter business still looks like a
pretty good business. )
JUNE 1991 SPY 69
 RBvifw of Rweis Willard Scott: a lunch-pail lug who
should be shambling into the Cheers
bar to a chorus of Norm! " Entertain-
Filent WeekIj's TV critic, Ken Tucker,
complained that the networks' early
war coverage consisted mostly of
History in the Refflating "talking heads" and that "while ir was
obviously imPortant to cover the war
Glenn Close as the Scooter, in its first stages, given the lack of
Willard Scott as General Schwarzkopf. compelling film footage. this made for
bad television." How dull the Napo-
and Vanity Fairs Ancient Roots leonic Wars must have beenbefore
even radio! 'flicker said Schwarzkopf's
briefing was "a dazzling perfor-
uy HIiluhilirOy Greoll mance." Schwarzkopf was "dressed in
relegenic camouflage fatigues" (clear-
If The New York Times Magaziìie had asked me to ¡y, Tucker and Corliss disagree on
write about the cover subject of a men's spring fashion supple- sonic of the choices made by Ward-
robe). "So who would play Schwarz-
nient called 'Effortless Style" (one is as likely to read about kopf in our inevitable miniseries?,"
"efTortful style" as one is to witness an Ike Turner comeback), and Tucker asked. "Willard Scott? Jona-
that subject were Jeremy Irons, and I were a hyphenated English film than Winters?" No, Tucker would
director who had worked with !roflS on the effortlessly stylish but choose Ben Johnson. People, mean-
somewhat epicene Brideshead Reriiuicd, I know I would want to appear to while, would cast Scott. For the "in-
be what our American cousins call a "regular guy" and so would write the evitable movie epic, 'War iii the
following, as Michael Lindsay-Hogg did in exactly these circumstances: Gulf,' " Liz Smith saw Brian Dennehy
As Jeremy and I were on our second as Schwarzkopll Since these writers so
espresso (Would he like a drink? gave Irotis the Oscarthat in Rei eicai eagerly reduce Schwarzkopf to just an-
No, he was driving), another mcm- of Fortune he was not unlike an in- other cekb, you wonder whom they
ory from an entirely differern time fielder wearing high socks? And does worild really find more fascinating ro
and place seemed to with the
fir this nican Glenn Close reminds Lind- interview: Liz Taylor. or Cleopatra her-
idea I was trying to formulare say-Hogg of the Scooter' self, Corliss wrote, 'In the gulf, the
about him and what makes his Well, the reviews of Norman theater of war was also, maybe mainly,
style. When I was a boy growing Schwarzkopl are in. Playing a gruffly a theater." We await Frank Rich's pan.
Up ifl New York. my stepfather charming, all-powerful, sriprernely Liz Smith is OflC tiling, but you
used to take fl OUt to the stadium victorious general on TV, this gruffly WOuld hardly expect the editorial di-
to see the Yankees play. Their sec- charming. all-power- rector of Random
ond baseman from 1949 w 1951 lui, supremely victo- I louse to confuse Liz
was Jerry Coleman, and in a period nous general in real Taylor and Cleopatra.
when a lot of other Major Leaguers life gets raves, though Here is Jason Epstein
were starting o wear their uniform some wonder if the writing about the
pants long and baseball socks shor, part should have gone temples of Karnak for
he wore his like ballplayers from a to Willard Scott. In ConIé Nast Traz'e/er:
decade earlier, his socks almost up A Review: Perform-
to his knees. I suppose thats how ill' Norman at Center We were led by our
he thought a New York Yankee Stage," Time's Richard guide from temple
should look. But for those who saw Corliss to temple. on whose
him play. the reason you remember Schwarzkopfs post- walls and columns
his appearance, his style, is because war briefing, which the heroic deeds of
you remember his playing: his was actually released a the pharaohs who
agility and uncommon grace in the few weeks later on built them were re-
field, the deftness as lied star t
videotape (MPI. corded. As the guide
double play with Phil Rizzuto. lt 23.96): "No fellow interpreted these in-
was not unlike watchiii Jeremy do shaped like a nose numerable restimo-
what he does best. tackle is going to cut niais, it struck me
a chic figure in those descrt jammics. t ht great nobles of Egypt.
liar t

J see. Is this what the members of the You look for John Wayne, and you with their many wives and off-
Academy were tlnnking when they find Jonathan Winters crossed with spring. for alt the remote dignity

OSPYJLtNE 1991
 of their limestone effigies staring insecure American cousins in its read-
coldly straight ahead, were much ership. A good example o! the maga-
like our own demigods back in zines style appeared in a review of The
New York, lunching at Mortimers Atlas o/the Cr,,cadc, edited by the hy-
and Le Cirque; that che inscribed phenated Jonathan R i ley-Sm i th . The
walls and colLlmns of their temples anonymous reviewer generally ap-
are the remote ancestors ofour gos- proved of the book but remarked,
sip columns [except, ofcourse, that "The maps are clear andexcept on
gossip columns serve no page 8 1 , where Passau lias
structural purposel and mysteriously strayed from
television interviews and Bavaria into Burgundyac-
ghost-written autobiog- Did Random curate." Only in The &tjn
raphies. What I was see- O?illt would a reviewer pre-
ing...was the ancestral House editorial sume to comment on an
clone of celebrity journal- atlas as if he carried a de-
director Jason
ism, an early chapter in tailed geography of Europe
the changeless chronicle of Epstein neqiect aiicl the Middle East from
human vanity. the eleventh to the seven-
to wear a proper teenth centuries in his head
Did Epstein neglect to ( Yes. the napnakerc haze sor-
wear a proper head cover- head covering
ruy misplaced Passau on page
ing while out in the desert while out in 81 . bit all the Turkish rivers,
sund Perhaps, in compar- fo,. example. ana' a/I the Per-
ing the histories of the the Egyptian siai fou 'ns throughout the rest
Pharaohs to "Suzy," he was oJ the book. are exacily u'here
desert sun? they onghi to be). The Econo-
just trying to please Tina
Brown, the editor of the ,nistand, indeed, Eng-
celebrity magazine Vaiity Fair. She is landapparently forbids i ts reviewers
a colleague (Random House and to suggest that a book contains any-
Condé Nast, which publishes Vanity thing they didn't already know.
pair, share a proprietor), and her hus- Deirdre Carmody wrote a story for
band, Harold Evans, had just moved the Times about the transfer of The
from the editorship of Condé Nast Neu Yorker's archives to the New York
Trave/cr to the presidency of Random Public Library. Carmody quoted a
HOUSe when Epstein's story ran. With 1940 letter by S. J. Perelman. "I must
her aristocratic aspirations, Brown say, I was surprised meeting [Harold]
will be happy to learn that Vani!)' Ross," Perelman wrote, "as I liad ex-
Fairs pedigree goes back 2,000 years pected a much older man." A thor-
before the Norman Conquest (a war ough reporter, Carmody tells us that
that would have made terrible televi- Perelman sent his letter on a Friday
sion). Since her magazine relies on and addressed it to "someone called
pictures to convey most of its mean- Gus." "Gus" can only be Gustave Lo-
mg, the analogy to hieroglyphs is es- brano, who was Ross's second-in-corn-
pecially apt. mand for more than a decade and was
In a letter to the Times Book Re- considered an heir to the Neu Yorker
view, the economist Robert Reich editorship until the appointment of
took a jab at Robert J. Samuelson, the William Shawn. For a newspaper that
economics writer for Newsweek, who recently tOl(l us the American Express
had reviewed Reich's recent hook. 1, Card was "a charge card," leaving Gus
for one, don't get my economics news unidentified seems like a strange
from Neu'su'eek," Reich wrote snippily. lapse . s Al ;: Ha,'rison u rote to .coneone
..I rely on The Econwnistpublished in cal/ed Ringo on a Thesday in I 974...
London. ' If so, then Reich resembles Thornas Hoving. the editor of Con-
many semipretentious undergradu- noissellr, devoted his back-page column
ates, bankers and newsmagazine busi- in April to the recession and "how a
ness writers in this country. The orn- connoisseur should handle the situa-
niscient tone and pedantry of The tion. " " Buy spornng clothes of only
Economist certainly must impress the the highest quality," he instructed
gnomically. "Make a list of your most
discriminating friends, and share tips
on what is absolutely the best in any-
thing you might want to do or pur-
chase." His final piece of advice: "And,
of course, try to hold on to your job."
By the time the April issue of Connois-
setir was on newsstands, Hoving had
been fired.
As a campy, witty observer of the
club scene, Stephen Saban (of Details)
is to Michael Musto (of The Village
Voice) what Liz Taylor is to Cleopatra:
a garish caricature of the real thing
(Saban will probably take this as a
compliment). Details has retained
Sahan even as it has transformed itself
from a hip ¡nterz'ieu' into a hip GQ.
One of his campy, witty habits is to
mention the very campy liqueur
J ägermeister vhenever possible, by
my count seven times in the last ten
months: "In sunny, palm-strewn L.A.,
the Mondrian hotel, my Piet-à-terre
on Sunset, had stocked my pool-view
suite with a complimentary bottle of
J ägermeister, bless em. " Another
month: "Walter broke out the Jäger-
meister. And we settled in for an
evening we could identify with. We
love the nightlife." And another:
"There seems to be no end to Miami
Beach's nighitlife. And everywhere you
go, there's Jägermeister. lt made nie
crazy, it made me unconscious. " Jä-
germeister in Miamitoo ftinny; the
scene to which Saban devotes his life
has certainly come a long way since
the days ofcrystal medi at Max's,
The insanely prolific but genuinely
likable Ralph Novak of People was
praised hiere sorne months ago for
writing a review oa courtrooni drama
in the form of a courtroom drama; his
colleague Craig Tornashoff won corn-
rnendation by writing a review of an
album of rap songs in the form of a rap
song. One always worried what would
happen if Novak's invention fell into
the wrong hands. Now our worst fears
bave been realized. The play La Bête is
written in heroic couplets. John Simon
wrote his review of La Bête for Neu'
Yo,'k i n . . . heroic couplets: "Come now,
admit, you must have found it grip-
ping/When clever words from fleet
tongues corne a-tripping." Effortful
style! Bring on the Ikewes. )
)L1sI I'))I SPY'I
 Fashion

JOIN
Seller, Beware
The Brutal
THE DIG Backstage World
of Bergdorf Goodman

EAGUE$ LIV Rusty Uoer

Alcott & Andrews? Bankrupt. B. Altman?Bankrupt.

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2 SPYJUNE 1991
Bonwit ? Bankrupt. Bloomingdale's? Bankrupt. Macy's ? Came
within an eyelash of being bankrupt. It seems that the only
thriving women's retailer left is the superfancy Bergdorf Goodman,
famous for the carved moldings and crystal chandeliers and comfort-
ing scale of its Fifth Avenue store. And, according The to New York
Times, it has been incredibly profitable. In an attempt to discover what
unique strategy Bergdorf's has used to achieve its success, py spoke with
"
Betty" and "Veronica," two women who had lost their jobsBetty had
taught sales techniques; Veronica had
sold bondsafter nearly ten years on V: You know people are stealing. You
Wall Street and had gone to work at look around and see hoards of mer-
BergdortT's as salespeople. Today they
are working at a nonprofit agency
chandise from other floors in places it
doesn't belong. You see salespeople
and writing freelance articles, re- who you know make no money wear-
ing $800 sweaters. They actually steal
vealed: imagine Lord of ¡he Flies them and wear them in the store....
rewritten by Judith Krantz, and you B: [Then there's] Bergdorf's return
may begin to understand Bergdorf's policyfir's] so across-the-board that
retailing magic. they'll take anything back even
though it might not have been pur-
Betty: There were 30 of US at the in- chased in the store, as long as they
doctrination, from every walk of life. have carried that style. . . .Clothes that
We were greeted by a 24-year-old fall off truckspeople try to return
trainer from the personnel department them to Bergdorf Goodman because
who simply said, 'Good morning. I'm the return policy is so liberal. .The
. .
going to show a videotape. ' And store will even take back bathing
the videotape was how employees suits and underwear. There were two
steal and how theyre caught. weird Christian Dior dresses, an 8
Veronica: They tell you right off the and a 6, which cost $7,500. I
bat that you're a criminal! First of all, thought, %Y'hai idiot would ever buy
who ever thought to steal? And second sonething like that? But one night I
i of all, they just taught us about 20
ways to do it. [One] example was the
was at a charity function and the
dress walked by on a woman. The
salesperson in cahoots with someone next morning, about ten-thirty, a
on the outside who buys one thing messenger brought that very same
while the salesperson slips in five other dress back into the store. The cashier
things that aren't paid for.
ZIP
put it UP tO her nose and said, "Ugh!
B: We were like, "God, these are great Someone has worn this." But back
ideas!" into our inventory it went without
even being dry-cleancd.
V: Women go through their closets
alter nine months and say, "God, I
havent gotten much wear out of this."
They return it, and Bergdorf's takes
it
back. They send it back with their
chauffeur or a messenger, or they put
it in the mail.
B: There were once grass stains and
menstrual blood on a dressand they
took it back.
V: [A well-known TV journalist appar-
ently) wore an $ I I 000 dress on nation-
al television and returned it the next
day. Her explanation was, at the very
last minute she got the same dress
from the designer, so why should she
pay for it? She is really a snot. She was
on my floor looking for a "plebeian
raincoat, something she could wear
when she's "working amongst the
masses," or words to that effect. But
Candice Bergen is great. Everyone
loves her. . . . Here's another good one:
the size 8, $5,000 Moschino suit. I
would say, conservatively, that I sold it
four times. I would sell it to a woman;
she'd wear it out to lunch and bring it
back. I'd sell it to another woman, and
she'd wear it out to lunch. It was as
though they'd all seen their friends in
it, and they had to wear it. The Suit
was like a revolving door. By the time
I quit, it was back again and looking
like a rag.. .
B: One of our salespeople sold about
$60,000 worth of clothing. . . to one
woman visiting New York. She had to
have one of her Thierry Mugler suits
altered, and it wasn't properly done.
She was so livid that she returned
every single item.
'
V: There's also "interview stealing.
know a woman who had been out of
work for a while and wanted to look
like she was still doing well for a Wall
Street interview. So she bought a
$1,500 coat and pinned the ticket up
the sleeve and just threw it over her
shouldersthen returned it the next
clay. . . You have to understand that
. because you know the clothes aient
some of these people are professional
shoppers. It gives customers personal
pleasure to have all these people fuss-
ing over them and cleaning up their
doggy's poo-poo.
B: I saw a dog take a leak in Ungaro.
V: People consider Bergdorf's so much
their personal home that you cant be- Take control
lieve itused condoms are found in
the dressing rooms. of your
B: There was a gorgeous young
woman and her equally gorgeous
Computer
man, and she was trying on these very
sheer, divine Armani blouses. She
would strut out of the dressing room Business
with her nipples getting harder and
harder. Finally, this poor man could
not stand one more minute and asked Applications
if we minded if he went in there with
her. After 20 minutes, out they came,
happy as two lovebirds. And the
ding-a-ling didn't buy a thing, either. Tired of running your business
There's a wonderful story about the utilizing tools designed for
call girl. someone else?
V: The woman spends $100,000 a
year in Bergdorf Goodman. She has Customized software is not as
fake breasts and shaved pubic hair, the expensive as you think...
whole nine yards. She's in her forties,
attractive and very well spoken. Not
only does she never return anything,
but she pays for everything on about
five different men's credit cards.
B: She stands there stark, raving
naked with shaved pubic hair and
'ci'
awl
I:_.i:;j
[jj
imuu
A 11(1
I
hands the cards over and says, "Divide
'em up."
V: There are women who have had
their breasts done who want you to SpecaIizing n
touch them. There is a story about custom applications
Pia Zadorahow apparently she just for Macintosh and
loves her body and took off all her
clothes; she wore no underwear and PC Systems
ran her hands up and down and
pranced around naked. I was also told
that Sigourney Weaver made an ap-
pointment to come in and try on cat
suits, and she showed up wearing no Call
underwear. You'll talk about any nor-
mal person you helped for weeks. If
I something wasnt returned, it was
considered a complete anomaly. 527-7869
B: In a recession, 40 percent of your
stuff comes back. The Germans were
wonderful. They believe the U.S. is
the mecca of good taste; they could
Woodmont
spend $30,000 in day.
V: You love to hear a foreign accent, Data
coming back.
B: They need salespeople for only one
Systems
reasonto baby-sit the boutiques so
that people don't rifle through the Ged Cornwall
clothes or steal them. Woodmont CT
V: It's the nastiest environment you
can imagine.)
JUNE 1991 SPY 73
 PHOTO CREDITS o

./ J., CATALOG
I THE BEST IN SOPHISTICATED

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_4 SPYJtiNE I')'))
 someone is buried in one ofyour ttixes.
Life 111 These lifted States Who else shoti Id be canonized ' I

would also welcome the following:

Some friends and acquaintances
of mine. Otherwise a certain chill
would develop in some of my rda-
rions, which would be a shame.
Let's Del LII Though I would understand.
Not all of my friends and ac-
Author Bares Dark Side, (luai n tances, though . That would take
some of the charm out of it for me. I
but to Do Well do not specify who should be immor-
talized and who not; Id rather not be
h Roy OIODAL JP.
put in that position.
PSI/as ¡'Ian,er. I feel this work
should be included for the same reason
There it was in Neizi'eek, a quote from the "legendary that I feel the military draft shOuld be
nice guy of the American theater," Neil Simon: "One of my reinstated: why should young PeoPle
t riends said, 'Neil is one of the nicest persons I've ever met and today get off easy?
. Shakespeare. I don't want to be
I hate him. I told hirn I was really a shit underneath. There's a making kiiowing allusions to i/am/el
Jekyll and Hyde side to me. I've experimented with becoming irre- and getting blank looks in return.
sponsible, morally and every other way. I wanted to see what's on Chekhov. flie tact that a writer is
the other side." extremely hot at the moment (or, con-
A Jekyll and Hyde ch/e? The man Who wrote must in
The Odd CoMp/e versely, isn't) doesn t mean he
fact be three iopIe. Or more. He may have a Romeo and Juliet side, a shouldn't last. Also, Chekhov is a for-
Simon and GarfLinkel side. a Simon & eigner, which gives us sorne balance.
Simon side. . . . But never mind that. Now, I knew that this was a very So far we have an unspecified
What really struck mc about the touchy business, pitting advocates of number of Americans, two English-
statement was its raw honesty. The multicultural ism agai nst defenders of men and a Russian. We don't know
truth is that every writer has an un- things people have been trying to tear lìøw many women, African Amen-
dcrsid.,: thc author. When people ask down since the Visigoths. And I did cans, Hispanic Americans or Asian
me what I want to accomplish with not want to spoil my legendary nice- Americans will be among the friends
my writing, I try to say something guy-of-the-American-essay image. So I and acquaintances of mine included,
dignified. But the truth is that when I said something I hoped might be con- but I should think plenty. And I'm
am talkinz about my writing, I am strued as either traditional or decon- sure some of the friends of mine who
not a writer. I am an author. And structive (I have both traditional and are included will know some Native
what I want to do is noreprodmi. deconstructive sides) about ' Americans. l'bis is some-
1 would never read a book," feeling reluctant, as a white tiling we could all get to-
Woodrow Wilson once said, " if it were male, to commit myself on gether and talk over pri-
possible to talk half an hour with the this issue until I am dead. vately, though nor at nìy
man who wrote ir." Sexism aside, this But if Doc Jekyll/Simon! house. I'd rather not be
is one of the dumbest things a presi- et al. can tell the truth, so put iii that position.
dent has ever said. Why would an au- can I: 'I'here should be a A booklet, which I
thor spend rime with anybody who canon. Absolutely. And I - could assemble myself for
wasn't going to buy the book? should be in it. Now. While the forthconi i ng school
On my last book tour an erudite I can enjoy it. year, en t it led Deco,l.ut;?,ilo,J
radio interviewer asked me what it was Not so much for the as D)'sIexla. The fly i n
a like to be on 'Ibe 'Ièinç'ht Show. i said ir honor as for the long-term anointment is that once
was like being on Mount Rushmore, book sales. Since Dante never pops up you're canon fodder (my booklet's
L only instead of George, 'rom, Abe and on the lists, I assume The D;z'iie Com'e- subtitle might be Ta/ei untold. Tropes
U.
Teddy it is Ed, Joan Collins, mc and (I)' never moves as briskly in a given Protested and P1,115 Uisp/in), academic
L
S. J ohnny, and were all capable of mov- week as All i Rea/I)' j\T io Know i critics take notice of youwhich is to
a ing slightly. Then he hic me with a learned Kiidergarien. But surely
I?) say they demonstrate, to their satisfac-
cluestion for the ages: shouki there be canon izationeven though many sui- tion, that you, the author, do not, in
q a canona body of required reading dents buy books secondhandwould any rigorous sense, exist.
3 that must appear on syllabi if college amount to a steady long-term income. I do eXist. And Im had.
students are to be truly educated? Like if you're in &wmalwear rental and II I don't say it, who will?

JINi I'ì') SPY

 POOP
Parly
The Many Faces of Marilyn Quayle The vice president's wife visits New York
Winter Anticues Show.

Manhattan Beach The official, entirely worthy purpose of the recent sock hop at The Plaza was to raise funds for
Central Park. But for the throng of celebrated wealthy people who ostentatiously moved and shook (often with
their eyes closed!) to the Beach Boys in front of a pack of photographers, the evening was a showcase for tricky aero-
bics moves and adolescent posturing.

Leave it to gay divorcée Ivana

Frug Me Tender Those hours
of windmill arm exercises
sure paid off for movie pro-
ducer Sherry Lansing!
l)ress designer Carolina Herrera does some
synchronized land-swimming with the
woman behind her.
Trump to be the 6rst person ever
to do the bump (and a particular-
ly, uh, emotional version of it) to
"Be True to Your School." Her
partner in pleasure is movie pro-
ducer Jack Haley Jr.

Good Vibrations, or Something Who knew that teeny overlever- Dude! Second banana Robert Trump acts
aged businessman Henry "Stumpy" Kravis had so much soul? OUt the BMOC fantasy his brother at-
tempted to live in high school.

SPYJLJNE 1991
 &3

,'
Tricks of the Trade (1) Motley Criie's

\ L4 Tommy Lee (the one married to

Heather Locklear) and (2) fellow
glitter-thug Billy Idol demonstrate
their grasp of the
extremely subtle
\j\.. theory of sublimi-
nat seduction. .

Separated at Birth? M.C. Hammer

unveils the action-hgure version of
himself. A few drops of oil each
week will keep your MC. doll as
shiny and LIflCtUOuS as the Hammer
himselfl

Who's more pleased with him-

self? Saul Bellow, showing off his
National Book Foundation Medal
for Distinguished Contribution to
American Letters Or fellow one-
time Canadian Mort Zuckerman,
showing off his very close Person-
al friendship witthe winner of
lì

the National Book Foundation

Medal for Distinguished Contri-
bution to American Letters?

V Is itcharming bashfulness
or just the glare from so much
dental ¡orcelaitì,
frosted lip gloss
and pearlized
blue eye shad-
Copycat Fashion Crime
ow? Media mo-
nopolist Si New-
The ni -on-the-
-1
t

head did Pat get it

tlìiiig:
house greets two
from Al. or (lid A! get it
of his most vixen-
from Pat?
ish colleagues.
best-selling Si
mon & Schuster
author Joan Col
linsand mod Tui
tie Bay Books ed-
itorjoni Evans.

JUNE 1991 SPY


A At The Plaza, semipro entertainer
Pia Zaiiora demonstrates a unique
way of using two small children to
achieve the effect oía push-up bra.
V What Becomes a Legend? Fifteen
year-old fl1OV1( actor Sage Stallone
bas ot it down pat: (1) never wash
your hair, (2) invest in a collection of
velveteen tuxedo jackets, and (3) re-
fine your signature into a completely
origina!, vaguely Japanese-looking
series of slashes.
u
Dances With Wolves Each year, (1) Liz Smith's pet
a]
charity, the Literacy Volunteers, engages in an
evening of ritual humiliation by paying good
money to dress up in public as one-sixth ofthe Vil-
lage People. (2) Pistol-packing Walter Cronkite.
ø;f A
who came as Andy Devine, feels a surge of manli-
ness as he studies his weapon. (3) Pizza and sheriffs
badge in hand, self-appointed TV pundit
A'
and hombre-about-town Mort Zuckerman
tells socialite Vartan Gregorian just how
hot those TV lights are. (4) Q: How can
you tell who at this table is not a native-
born American? A: An American would
never be suave and sophisticated enough
¡L
,.
to wear a bandana in his breast pocket.
(5) Hearst Books president Howard
Kaminsky had the distinction of being
the only luminary on the premises who
did not stay home the previous evening
pressing his blue jeans.
»-Ki V
:
__4
;.zti
'4
\
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ìi. .
1.
,)
 The SPY lildex
June
Alger, Horatio,
AlliReallyNeedlo Know!
Learned in Kindergarten,
All the President's Men,
Allen, Herbie, '9
Miman Brothers, the
as wir, > Gracc(ul l)cad il
Jerry Garcia dies. I 2
AmericaoPsycho, 26. 28.
Anderson, Laurie, 29
Andropov, Yuri s
Annenbery, Walter, 22
Armani, Giorgio, 28
Arnett, Peter, 80
Aykroyd, Dan, 20
Baker, James, 3, 39, 80
I'incdak, Wyoming, ranch
of. $7
Beatty, Warren, 22
Bellow, Saul, il
'1 fl tI,
Berenger, Tom, 2
Bergdorf Goodman, IO
.*5 liner box or ctsstomtis
(l(9.'S, 72
Bergen, Candice, 22
as respectable BcrdorÍ's
(usronflr. 7 2
Bergen, Polly, 22
Bernstein, Carl, 49
Blackmun, Harry, 42
Bochco, Steven, 1$
Bodybuilding Lifestyles,
Bogart, Humphrey
.1I,ct Ic)nal V(rR)fl of Carreii
Hogt. 22
'
Boqosian, Eric,
Bradley, Bill,
Brideshead Revisited,
Brillstein, Bernie, 20
Brimley, Wilford, 13
Brown, Tina,
Buchanan, Patrick, O, $9
Buckley, Pat,
Bunyan, Paul, ¡1)
Busch, Ronald, 50. 51
Bush, George, 25. 38, 65, 81)
.t, l(>M(, .).)
in Mmir & Fiintií
magazine, 56
shooting wild turkeys, 3
splmmc)ric sensibility of, 24
Calamari. Matthew, (,9
Carmody, Deirdre, 71
Carter, Hodding Ill, $()
Castro, Fidel, '()
Cheney, Dick, '9
Cinderella
as ptcflt USI model for wifarc
r' I Gulf + Western, 46, ì9
Clifford, Clark, 18
Close, Glenn
vukiii Phil Rizzuto, 70
Cohn, Roy, 1'
Collins, Jackie, 14
Collins, Joan, i. '5, , McMahon, Vince, 52-57
Condé Nast Traveler, 7 I
'
Connoisseur, i i :
Cosby, Bill
.titl ini,Iari co Vince
MÇMahOfl, 52
Costner, Kevin, 20, $4
Creative Artists Agency,
Crockett, Davy, 40 Hewitt, Don Mencken, H. L., Simon, Neil
Cronkite, Walter .'., 'i..trer l Canòe coltigne, I s Mitchell, Margaret, I 7 as victim o) jekyll/Hyde
t'
ndy Ikyine Hogan, Hulk, 52, 57 Moss, Adam syndrome, 75
uml,crsonacor. 78 Hoge, Warren as emblem ofspring, 23 Simpson, Alan, IO. 39
Cuomo, Mario, 17. 32 1Ì3%,iIIg lIl1t1)aIit for clatin Nakayama, Masaaki, 30) 60 Minutes, 18
Dahi. Roald. ()
Daly, Tim,
Dances With Wolves, 2(1
WOflI(fl
Holbrook, Hal, 13
Hope, Bob, '5
named Sally. 22 Negoda, Natalya, 63
Nelson, Willie
jis.l dilfiuulties with IRS, 57
Newhouse, S. I., 77
Slayer
int(.nsity nl. 25
Smith, Kate, 32
'I'. r&,n.*ke nl I I itrnp. :;4 Hope, Tony, 25 Smith, Liz, 70, 78
Dante Houston, Whitney, 26 Newman, Paul, i3 \tI( k5' ñngersoí, 24
Is non-best-selling author, 75 Hoving, Thomas, 71 Newsweek, 66, 7 I, 75 Smits, Jimmy, 32
Davis, Loyal, 0 Hussein, Saddam, 25, 44, 50 New York, Snyder, Richard, 10,44-51
Davis, Martin, 44-Sl idol, Billy, New Yorker, The, 18, I faux-Kenned)' accent of, 49
Degas, Edgar, 30 Irons, Jeremy New York Observer, The, IO trying co bully si'v, 46
de Man, Paul, 30) rss.LIIbIii1
hiKh-sxkL'd New York Public Library, Solzhenitsyn, Aleksandr, 65
Denby, David, $2 Ymnktt i,ilt'lder. 70 the, I
Souter, David,
De Niro, Robert, 13 Jackson, Jesse, I 7, 30,41 New York Times, The, H. Stalin, Josef, 58. 62
Dennehy, Brian Jackson, Michael, 34, 62 I2-2, It'. I Stallone. Sage, '8
1.1% iii lii horn t(X)1t51 by mad 't', i hr M u }ì,i,l V:thowi New York Times Magazine, The, Steinbrenner, George, 25, 57
gO%cip columnist, 70 Muscles, 54 10). 70) Steinern, Gloria, 56
Derwinski, Edward, 3.3 Jägermeister Nixon. Richard, Sulzberger, Punch, 22
Diller, Barry, $9. 46, 49 .Is (orn II. al t k of Scv,hvn Novak, Ralph, I
Sununu, John, 3H
Ditka, Mike, 50 Sab.n's. I Dates. Joyce Carol, :s 'Is embanled despot, 50
Dole, Bob, 39 Jane Fonda's Workout 800k, Ober, Eric, ¡8 as pr(-sidential hopeful, 39
Dou b I eday Jefferson, Thomas, Orso Sylvia's Restaurant, 42
t
!)k Snvdcr, 48 Jones, Quincy, 5,s .t, 'iiielime swingks haunt of Taylor, Liz, I) ' I
Ori ving Miss Daisy, 20 ObSCSSCd wich Pushkin. (,2 Frank Rich. 23 Toback, James, IS, ¡7
Dryfoos, Robert, 17 Joyce, James, 2 Dvitz, Michael, 20, .i9 Tone-Löc,
Duke, David, $0 Jtidelson, David, IO Pacino, Al Tonight Show, The
du Pont. Pierre 1V, 39 Kael, Pauline, tourniquet-on-the-head likened to Mount
77 Ebersol, Dick, 56 Kaminsky, Howard, '8 fashion statement of. Rushui,,ure, 75
Economist, The, 71 Katzenberg, Jeffrey, 9. Pablavi, Shah Mohammad Truman, Harry, II
Eisenberg, Lee >-14,46 Reza, 41 Trump, Donald, 68-69
comparing Sasil Bellows Kelley, Kitty, 46, 50, () Paramount Communications, ansI hand signals t'or ,spilk, I 3
novds to fashion Kemp, Jack, $3 6 'I7,Y Trump, ¡yana, 6
phorogr.phy, $1 Kent, Arthur, $4 Peacock, Allen H., I Tufts University, 48
Eisner, Michael, $7-43, 46 Khomeini, Ayatollah, 44 Perelman, S J., I
Turner, Ike, 70
Irankii ris'ileges of, .39 Kissinger, Henry, .2s Pizza Hut, (3. 66 Turner, Ted, i'. 53
rrnuhkd soul of, 40) Kline, Kevin, Platz, Tom 20th Century Fox, 20. 63
Eliot, T. S., 26. 30) Korda, Michael, $(i as Mr. Universe' turned UN Security Council, the
Elle Kosinski, Jerzy, 22 (OrjOfltte eXeCsitiVe. 5 3 ,. h'x,I.uç bii9.c ol, 32
,ts instrument ofchc Butcher Kravis, Henry "Stumpy" yearning for respect of Magic Vieira, Meredith, 18
of Baghdad. 25 \UUll,Ilfl('SS of, 76 Johnson. 54 Village People, the, 'S
Entertainment Weekly, I H, 70) L.A. Law, ' Pound, Ezra, 26 Von Furstenberg, Diane, 22
rippin' on «l'y, I
Lansing, $4. 76 Powell, Colin, ) Wallace, Mike, I S
Epstein, Jason, 70) Lauper, Cyndi, 56 Pushkin, Aleksandr, 62 Warner Bros., '0. (1
Evans, Harold, 71 Lebowitz, Fran lìaddafi, Muammar, fi Warner Communications, 17
Evans, Joui, 5, 77 dViI1). aifair vith formei Quayle, Dan, i. ,5, 39
2
Washington, George, I I
o Ferraro, Geraldine girlfriend of Dick Quayle, Marilyn, 76 Washington Post, The, 42. 49
cliidiiig Rowdy Ruddy Snyder's, 48 Random House, 23, .16, 71)-71 Wasserman, Lew, 39
Pippt. 'S6 Lee, Tommy, 77 Reagan, Nancy, 8(1 Watts, Charlie, ; 2
Ferrigno, Lou, 51, 57 Lelyveld, Joseph, 22 Reasoner, Harry, IS Wayne,John,
Fitzwater, Marlin, 37, 38 Lemmon, Jack, 3' Redford, Robert, 43 Weegee, 26
Foley, Tom, 2 Lessïng, Doris, s Reich, Robert, I having naine ifliS.Sf)clkd by
Ford, Henry, $0 Lewis, Huey, and the News, Rich, Frank, 2 '. Bru Ellis, 28
Ford, Richard, 28 Lincoln, Abraham, I
impending nupcials of, 22 Welder, Ben, 54-57
Fox, Michael J., 20) Lindbergh, Charles, iO Rizzuto, Phil, 68, 70 .' Renais',ance man, 55
Frankel, Max, I M Lindsay-Hoyg, Michael, 70 Roberts, Julia, $9 Weider, Joe, 5.1-57
Gaibraith, John Kenneth, Locklear, Heather, 77 Rolling Stone i.s only Mr. Universe
Garcia, Jerry, 12 Loh, John, 80 rewarding ss'ecnics, I 2 (()ntt'staflt to compete
Gates, Daryl, $3, 50 López-Cobos, Jesús Roosevelt, Franklin Delano, I I with legs coveted by suit
Gibbs, MarIa, $0) he',nt, ss'av COol,' 16 Roosevelt, Theodore, I
pants, 55
Gingrich, Newt, 39 Lordot'the Flies Rosenthal, Abe magnanimity of, 54
Glaspie, April, l) as possibkJudich Krame tuleroatlulog stiiilit> o), 23 Whaley, Frank, (H
Goldberg, Whoopi, 20, 32 kn(Kk-olf, 72 s'earinu pink seersucker, 2.' Whalley-Kilmer, Joanne, 32
Gorbachev, Mikhail, 50. 8,65 Lord, Shirley, 23 Russian Tea Room, The, 22 Who Framed Roger Rabbit,
Gottlieb, Robert, í8 Mancuso, 2 I. I Saban. Stephen, 71 Wiest, Dianne,
Gregorian, Vartan, 8 t1,Z' ,)t, 6 Safer, Morley, I Will. George, I. I
Griffin, Merv, 52 Maples, MarIa, 56 Savage, Gus, . Wilson, Woodrow
Marshall, Thurgood, i2 Scacchi, Greta, .' .(Lll)idu(V i. 75
Hachette SA., 25 Mayhew, Alice, ')Ú Schwarzenegger, Arnold, 54-5( Winters, Jonathan, 10
Hafetz, Fred, (,9 McDonell, 16 Schwarzkopf, Norman, St) Wolfe, Tom, 26
Haig, Al McGavin, Darren, 43 iv gruffly charming, all- Woodward, Bob,
,,, l)nIIt Kally dead but Mclnerney, Jay ¡ow.rful , supremely World Bodybuilding Federation.
i n(.xi,t.nçivt. ¡idminist rator, as embarrassing author, 26 victorious eeneral, 70 the, "13 57
Scott, Willard, () World Wrestling Federation,
Halberstani, David, 37 as "tuxedoed, shellac-haired, Shakespeare, William, 75 the, : 57
Haley, Jack Jr., '6 Naucilized emcee," 52 Shawn, William, 71 Young, Sean, ;i
Hammer, MC., OUtWifting Ted Turner. 53 Sherman, Cindy, 26, 28 Zadora, Pia
Hayward, Charles, 46 p. T. Barnum-like genius Simon & Schuster, 44-1 narcissism of, 73
Heller, Joseph, IS f: 56 Simon, John using children as PUShUP
Henley, Don, í Mehta, Sonny, 28 as fashioner of awkward bra, 78
i. .
Herrera, Carolina, 76 a Py1.v midwife, 26 couplets. 7 I Zuckerman, Mortimer. 7_75 )
lUNE 1991 SPY 79
 t va Idt1lce Notes a NOflIÌCtiOfl Nove'

TRANSCRIPTION OF GHWB
DICTAPHONE RECORDING
021-0491
Bonefish time at last.
Uh. . .
Dear
Glad that Dictaphone.
darn thing
mean, who the on my lip is
heck cares? At least clearing up, just so
that
Gotta admit it's above the waist people stop--I
something. About the [chuckles).
hard--post-hostilities, I mean. cleaning up, after
of the You know, "What Iraq, that it's kinda
no-sayers were happens now?" And, yeah,
warring, the right, that this is what would some
rebellioning,
Boy, I hate it when certain result:
amount of factions that are
a guy's own advisers sniping at. Chaos of
First, Glaspie and act like that. Just that nature.
who to dry here? Jimmy and the State hate it.
Possibly j arrt, and I Department--now, who is
although I think I'd know can understand that hanging out
look at the it if I
was being that devious. particular thinking,
Next comes the secretary--I almost (I
Gridiron never know it when he's personally would
dinner. Couldn't believe that in a devious
Arnett. Woulda walked mode.)
General Loh of the Air right out, but thought that they would
applaud
all the Force does walk out, there might be more
Schwarzkopf jokes. Says, but only 'cause food.
left. Not "Didn't the he's steamed about
enough Loh jokes, I Air Force win this
not like his guess. But I kinda war?" and
pilots sat on the understand his
you know what I mean, runway all day feelings. It's
that John Loh should but still, all you hear polishing is
their
fuselages, if
Well, we don't run for office? Schwarzkopf. Does
have one. We have Is there a General anyone say
the j
1h going on TV and video? (Is there?
Schwarzkopf.)
stopped the war when telling
he
Dan Frost how
his own
--big one--is General
did, doing that awful president should not have
Really Benedict
former living Arnold City around here all of a second-guessing?
Ronnie. Is the presidents by name. Seven-day sudden. Not to name
wily any
motionless while the grouse gonna wait seven wait--terrific, thanks a lot,
forms days, too, in the same shrub and
front on this go through? Thing of it
I'm one, but of course I is that I coulda
getting in behind. Behind couldn't, and now I'm stuck got out in
not even Mr.
president. But maybe it's I-Paid-for-This-Microphone looking like
Bar--it's a blessing, too, and now he's
probably just long run, and
snorted and Nancy thinking about anyway--said to
said, Well, I'm history again. And
Kitty Kelley book. And gonna get all the history Bar sort of
Feel I we both had a good I need when I read
gotta clear laugh. that
weeks something up, this
ago. Simply--I was simply thing with the third
happened was this: He saying it in grader a few
said, "Are 1anguag he can understand.
probably eight years old--so you really the What
guy?" And, okay, that is I say, "Yeah, did president?" And--this
you think I was a boy is
boy. So next not how I would
thing the press is probably talk, but this pretending
himself laughing, like why is this was a little
"pretending guy" and
lemme tell you, no fancy pulling out a driver's president calling
that words with license to
prove it? But
you're--what?--in this case, I don't eight-year-olds, can't just
incognito guy. But he would know, suppose I coulda say to them
Well, that's all for not understand said I was an
now. Gotta find Bar's that kind of
out page 507 before grown-up phrasing.
she realizes what copy of the
Kelley book and tear
happened to that old
GHWB: gk Le Baron.
April 1991
.------
; .

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