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I met a man who threw away his entire family for drugs. Years ago, he had a great
job, a nice home, two kids, and beautiful wife. Today, because of a bunch of chemicals
he was snorting through his nostrils, he destroyed his life. He’s lost his job and his home.
His kids hate him and his wife is seeing another man…
Why exchange all that for another whiff of shabu?
There’s no logic. It’s a foolish exchange.
One day, a woman asked for my help. She said, “My husband is a compulsive gambler.
He stole money from his office and used it to gamble. His boss found out about it and is
pressing charges. My husband’s going to jail!”
Why exchange a great job for another crack at the blackjack table?
Again, it’s a foolish exchange.
The list goes on.
· A chain-smoker, exchanging his health for another nicotine fix.
· A porn-addict, exchanging his dignity and mental-monogamy, for another
testosterone fantasy.
· A woman that gives her body to yet another man, just so that he would love her,
exchanging her self-respect for a fleeting embrace.
· A government employee taking a bribe, exchanging his honor for cash. After
years of doing it, he no longer feels any guilt, his conscience virtually dead.
One Power Skill Of Mature People
Let me ask you a question: What are you thinking of right now?
A Pink Elephant, of course.
People who want to overcome their addictions end up focusing on their addictions, and it
simply won’t work.
When a smoker says, “I won’t smoke anymore!” 300x a day, guess what fills his mind?
Smoking his favorite Marlboros, what else?
When a compulsive eater says, “I won’t eat!” 300x a day, guess what fills his mind?
Eating his favorite cheeseburgers and chocolate sundaes.
When you focus on your bad habits, you enter into a vicious cycle that buries you deeper
into your addiction. You end up depressed and helpless, draining your love tank even
more, making you open more to your addictions.
Look. I’m not saying you deny that you have an addiction. In fact, acknowledging that
you have an addiction is the first step to healing it. By admitting you’ve got a problem,
you solve 50% of your problem. But you see, there’s a big difference
betweenacknowledging it and focusing on it 24 hours a day.
A Simple Principle of The Universe
Let me share to you a simple, powerful, universal principle that has guided me in my
daily life:
What you focus on grows!
Let me sidetrack a bit and explain this principle to you.
I know some people who focus on the bad things in their day.
They wake up in the morning feeling lousy. “It’s a terrible day,” they mutter. They
ride to work complaining about how hot it is. They wade through the traffic complaining
about the crazy drivers on the streets. They arrive at their office complaining about the
work load on their desks. They complain about their boss, the low pay, the slow internet,
the over time, the terrible food at the cafeteria, and how cold the air-conditioning is.
I pity them. Because the more they complain, the more they feel miserable.
Sooner or later, they experience more problems. (Remember, what you focus on
grows.)
First, they may get sick. The Bible says a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a
crushed spirit dries up the bones.[2] Medical studies have shown that most of our
physical diseases are psychosomatic. A negative spirit may create ulcers, hypertension,
and other diseases. Simply because our bodies are blueprints of our emotional life.
Second, they may lose friends. Because no one wants to talk to a whiner. About
her, they’ll say, “She’s depressing and it may be contagious!”
Third, they may lose their job—or at the very least, a promotion. Someone who
doesn’t have passion in his work will not be rewarded. 200 CEO’s were asked what’s the
number one ability that they look for in their employee, and most of them said, “The
ability to work with others.” It’s not technical skills, but relational skills that’s prized in
companies.
Okay, my digression is enough. How does this apply to your hidden addiction?
Focus On Your Ambition
Instead of focusing on your addiction, focus on your ambition.
“Ambition” has a negative meaning today, so let me purify this word.
By ambition, I mean your vision for your future.
By ambition, I mean the dreams that God has placed in your heart.
So instead of saying, “I’ll stop smoking” 300x a day, say instead, “I’ll be healthy
and run the marathon” or “I’ll be healthy and be a Class B badminton player.”
Instead of saying, “I’ll stop eating”, say, “I’ll be healthy, weigh a healthy120
pounds, go to the gym three times a week, play badminton twice a week…”
Instead of saying, “I’ll stop shopping everyday,” say, “Starting next month, I’ll
save P5,000 a month, erase all credit card debt by December 2007, and start investing in
a mutual fund by January 2008, and accumulate P200,000 by June 2010.”
When you focus on your addiction, it depresses you.
When you focus on your ambition, it fuels you with passion.
And what happens when you do that? As you take baby steps towards fulfilling
your ambition, you value yourself more. You gain confidence. You gain self-respect.
Little by little, love is being poured into your Love Tank. The cravings are still there, but
they lose its urgency and intensity.
Make Your Dreams MAGIC Dreams
Each Sunday, I preach to almost two thousand people in Valle Verde Country
Club (Beside ULTRA) in Pasig, Metro Manla (For more information, call Tel (632)
7259999). Each Sunday, I teach them how to dream. So I wrote a Novena to God’s
Love Prayer Booklet and gave it to each of them.
In that Novena, I ask people to write 7 dreams that they will pray for everyday.
Believe me, people were excited writing down their dreams!
And as they pray for them, I ask them to also take baby steps towards fulfilling
them. (Can I make a plug? I’m mailing the Novena to God’s Love Prayer Booklet for
FREE to all KerygmaFamily members who give a monthly Love Offering to our
ministry. If you’re not yet a member, log onto www.kerygmafamily.com now!)
In the Novena, I also give instructions that their dreams should be….MAGIC!
By MAGIC, I mean…
M- Measurable
Don’t just write, “Have a happy family”; Write instead, “Have a happy family
by having separate weekly dates with my spouse and each child starting August
2007”; Don’t just write, “Have more money”; Write instead, “Earn an
additional P10T each month through a sideline by December 2007.”
A - Ambitious
Again, I use “ambition” without its negative meaning. By “ambition”, I simply
mean dreaming big dreams! Small dreams won’t excite you. But even if they’re
ambitious, let your dreams also be attainable at the same time.
G - Godly
Never dream from greed or selfish ego. They will make you empty and
miserable. Instead, discover the dreams that God has placed in your heart. The
fulfilment of these dreams should ultimately help you love God and others
more. (And don’t you notice? G is at the middle. God should be the center of
our dreams.)
I - Imaginative
Put details in your dream. Make it graphic. Don’t just write, “Own a house by
2009.” Describe what kind of house you want. “Own a 2-bedroom white house
with a small garden in Laguna by 2009.”
C – Complete
Have dreams that touch the most important aspects of your life: Spiritual, Family,
Financial, Physical… By succeeding in all areas, you attain Life Balance.
Wise Exchange, Anyone?
Yesterday, I read a beautiful story.
One day, a little girl named Jenny was with her mother in the grocery store. She saw a toy
pearl bracelet worth P20. She became giddy with excitement and asked her mother to buy
it for her. “Are you sure you like it?” her mother asked.
“Yes, Mommy! Please, please, please buy it for me!”
So the mother bought the toy pearls for little Jenny.
Jenny’s father, who loved her very much, read a bedtime story to Jenny each night. One
night, after reading to her, he asked her, “Jenny, do you love me?”
“Of course I love you, Daddy,” she said.
“Can you give me your pearl bracelet?” he asked.
Little Jenny pouted. “You can have my princess doll, Daddy, but not my pearl bracelet.
That’s my favorite.”
Daddy smiled, “That’s okay Jenny, I love you.” He kissed her good night.
Seven days later, after another reading session, the father asked again, “Jenny, do you
love me?’
“Daddy, you know that I love you,” the little girl said.
“Can you give me your pearl bracelet?” he smiled.
“No Daddy, please. You can have my brush, my violet pen, and my red hair band. But
not my pearl bracelet!”
He chuckled. “That’s okay, hon. I love you,” and kissed her goodnight.
But a few days later, a teary-eyed Jenny came to her father and said, “Daddy, I love you
very much,” and placed in his hand her toy pearl bracelet.
Her father gave her a big hug and said, “I have a very special gift for you, little girl.” He
pulled out from his pocket a beautiful velvet case with gold lining. He opened it, showing
to her a genuine pearl bracelet.“This is yours. No more toy pearl bracelet for you, my
princess. You deserve the real one.”
Friends, this is the kind of wise exchange that God wants to give to us.
Not foolish exchanges that the “Jacobs” and the “Red Stews” in our lives are offering to
us.
Instead, God wants to take what is cheap and fake in our lives (our addictions), so that He
could give us something much, much better (our holy ambitions).
Give up your addiction.
Give up what is counterfeit.
Give up what destroys you.
Give up what pulls you away from God and life and happiness.
Like Jenny, you deserve better.
Love The Sinner
And The Saint Within
Do You Want To Get Rid Of Your Destructive Bad Habits?
Love Yourself.
Would you believe?
I’ve been preaching for 27 years now.
And in the first fifteen years of my preaching ministry, from 1979 to 1994, I never once
preached about “loving yourself”. If you doubt me, look at my preaching notes and you’ll
find nothing of this idea. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Zip. Why?
Because I felt that loving oneself was another way of saying “selfishness”. So if
you told me that I would one day write an article about loving yourself, I would call you
nuts. “Blasphemy!” I’d say to you with the vehemence of a snorting bull.
That’s how I interpreted what Jesus said in the Bible,“If you want to be my disciple, carry
your cross, deny yourself, and follow me.” Because Jesus wanted us to die to ourselves,
how could I tell people to love themselves? Isn’t that the very opposite of what Jesus
wanted us to do?
Here was my belief then: The SELF was the enemy of GOD. So why love it?
So I told people to forget their own needs—even their basic, valid, legitimate needs. For
if Jesus gave His life on the cross for us, how can we not do otherwise?
I Was Trying To Love God—
But I Felt Miserable.
What Was I Doing Wrong?
Let me share with you four powerful ways of loving yourself that will change your life
forever:
1. Forgive Yourself
2. Accept Your Weaknesses
3. Feel Your Feelings
4. Trust Your Needs
Let me share these with you one by one…
1. Forgive Yourself
For years, I would fall into habitual sexual sins. And when I did, I had a hard time
believing that God would still forgive me. I was filled with disgust. I was so fed up with
my sin, I figured He was fed up with me too. I projected onto Him my disgust and
imagined that He was tired of forgiving me again and again.
Yet every time I prayed, something in me would say, “God isn’t like that.” And deeper in
my heart, I would hear His voice say, “Bo, nothing you do can ever diminish my love for
you.”
These words burned within me. I searched the Bible and found these words…and claimed
them for myself.
For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.[3]
I am he that blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and will not remember
your sins.[4]
If we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from
all unrighteousness.[5]
Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.[6]
Ultimately, it was this incredible love that healed me of my addiction.
Can You Be As Forgiving To Yourself?
In one large gathering, a young woman came up to me and asked, “Can you hear my
confession?” I shook my head, “I’m sorry, I’m not a priest.” But I saw desperation in her
eyes as she told me, “But can I still confess my sins to you?”
“I can listen to you, pray for you, but I can’t absolve your sins,” I said.
She said, “That’s fine. I just need someone to talk to…” We walked to a corner of
the hall and she poured her heart to me, sharing her guilt to me. As she did so, I felt an
urging from God to tell her, “My dear friend, God loves you more than you can ever
imagine,” and she began to cry almost uncontrollably.
She said, “Bo, I know God loves me. But I don’t love myself. I know God forgives
me. But I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done.”
Through the years, I’ve met many people like her who already asked for God’s
forgiveness, but can’t seem to forgive themselves. Even if the Bible says, Be merciful,
just as your Father is merciful,[7] it’s funny how people aren’t merciful to themselves.
So I told her, “Then you’re very proud of your sin.”
Her eyes bulged, obviously shocked.
“What did you say again?” she asked.
Are You Proud Of Your Sin?
I told her, “You fall into pride on three counts. First, you seem to think that your sin is
bigger than God’s love for you. That’s pride. Friend, God’s love is bigger than your
sin…”
“And second, you seem to think that your moral standards are higher than God’s
standards. That’s pride. Allow Him to love you in your brokenness. And give yourself
permission to love YOU. And third…”
“Did I hear it right? Give myself permission to love me?”
I knew that those words were new to her.
“Yes! And third, all this time, you’ve been focusing on your sin. Am I right?”
She nodded.
“You think God wants you to grieve and wallow in guilt? You’re wrong. When
you focus on your sin, you’re not focusing on God. Focus on God. Focus on God’s love
for you. Or you fall into despair.” I began to think of Judas and how despair killed him.
The Bible says Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.[8]
How do we fall? Let me count the ways…
What Happens If You Don’t Forgive Yourself
If you don’t forgive yourself, you may have these problems…
o You’ll have unresolved guilt nagging you
o You’ll always be recalling past failures
o You’ll be pessimistic and negative, or even suffer from chronic depression
o You’ll be seeking revenge toward yourself at different times
o You’ll manifest self-destructive behaviors.
o You’ll be disrespectful towards yourself
o You’ll be indifferent toward yourself and your needs
o You’ll be defensive and exhibit distant behavior towards others
o You’ll be controlled by your fear of failure, rejection, and non-approval
o You’ll have an emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown
o You’ll be suspicious about others’ motives when they’re accepting of you
o You’ll experience chronic hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism
It is a sad life!
Make a decision now to forgive yourself now.
Before Anything Else, Discern:
Are They Real Sins Or Imagined Sins?
Before we even forgive ourselves—or even ask forgiveness from God—answer one
question. Have you really sinned against God? Or have you just failed someone else’s
standards?
Sometimes, we can set up our selves for big-time guilt by making lots of rules that God
never wanted us to make.
For example, in the 1980’s, I used to teach my community members this spiritual
regimen: To pray one hour a day, read the Bible one hour a day, and read other spiritual
books one hour a day—for a total of 3 hours a day. I also encouraged them to go for daily
Mass, daily Rosary, and an hour before the Blessed Sacrament. I was still a young teen
then, and I could certainly do all of that, but I was oblivious to the fact that my members
had jobs and kids to take care of. Boy, did I set them up for a very long guilt trip!
(Forgive me, Lord.) None of them could ever measure up to my standards. But those
rules that I made were just mine, not God’s rules. (Leaders need to be careful not to set
people up to discouragement, or we rob them of joy in their life with God.)
I also remember a woman who felt guilty for disappointing her husband again and
again. She would constantly ask for forgiveness from God for being a terrible wife. But
when she described her husband to me, I instantly knew that he was the problem. He
wanted his clothes to be pressed in a particular way, his egg cooked in a particular way,
his newspaper laid out on the table each morning in a particular way. And if his wife will
not do it in this particular way, he labelled her as a disappointing wife. Not true! I told her
that she has not sinned and there was nothing to ask forgiveness from God.
But if we have indeed sinned against God, then let us take these next two steps…
Forgive Yourself Now!
Let’s pray.
Place your hands on your chest.
Step #1: Ask God For Forgiveness
Lord, forgive me now, in Jesus name. Forgive me for all my sins and failures. I
believe You love me. I believe that Your love is bigger than my sins and failures.
Today, I receive your forgiveness. Thank you for loving me!
Step #2: Forgive Yourself
Today, I make a choice to forgive ME. I know that God has forgiven me. I don’t
have to be perfect for me to love ME. I am a very good person because God made
me very good. As God loves me, so do I love ME. I no longer need to condemn me.
I am forgiven by God, and I forgive ME, in Jesus name. Amen.
Let’s now move to the second step of loving yourself…
What’s the difference between forgiving yourself and accepting your weakness?
Answer: We only forgive ourselves for our sin. We don’t forgive ourselves for
being weak. Because being weak isn’t a sin. It’s part of being a human being.
Let me give you an analogy. I know of some parents who scold (note: scream) at their
kids for being noisy and playful. At moments like these, I want to intervene and say,
“Mother, listen to yourself. You’re actually angry at them for beingkids?”
That’s what we do too to ourselves. Because we are our harshest critics.
If you want to love yourself, you need to celebrate who you are—your strengths
and weaknesses combined. Especially your weaknesses!
Fire Your Inner Parrot
Let me tell you a story.
On her way home, a woman was walking on the sidewalk. She saw a parrot in a pet shop
window. Upon seeing her, the parrot said, “Lady, you are really ugly!”
Shocked, the woman walked away in a huff.
The next day, she walked again on the same road. She saw again the parrot peering
through the pet shop window. And sure enough, when the parrot saw her, it said, “Lady,
you are really ugly!”
The woman couldn’t take it anymore. She barged in the pet shop and told the owner,
“Your bird outside has been telling me that I’m ugly. You better do something about that
parrot. When I walk here tomorrow, and that bird says the same thing about me, I’ll sue
you!” The owner was very apologetic and said, “It won’t happen again, Ma’am.”
The next day, she walked home on that same road. Once again, she sees the parrot, and
the parrot sees her. She stopped and with an icy stare asked, “Yes?”
The bird, strutting back and forth, cocked, “You know.”
Friends, many of us have an inner parrot that tells us, “You’re ugly.”
We have an inner parrot that we carry around within us, cruel and rude. We actually don’t
need the devil anymore to accuse us and damn us to Hell. Because we do it ourselves.
These feelings of shame drive us to our addictions.
Friend, fire your inner parrot. (Better yet, fry him with olive oil, a little garlic, and chilli.)
Start telling yourself the truth: That you’re God’s child and beautiful beyond
imagination. And that God will use even your worst weaknesses.
Remember: You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.
Your Weakness Is A Gift
But whatever it was, about this weakness, he said these immortal, mind-boggling
words. “At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I
did that, and then he told me, “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes
into its own in your weakness.”[9]
How can your weakness be gift?
A long time ago, I didn’t feel my feelings. I didn’t bother with them. If they became
intense, I shunned them.
To me, all desires were sinful. And all emotions were just part of the “flesh”, not of
the “spirit”. Feelings were the enemies of God. At the very least, they were bothersome
things that distracted me from doing God’s will.
No wonder I was in such an internal mess!
Because when we don’t feel our feelings, we treat ourselves with disrespect!
I was acting very rudely towards myself.
My Love Tank was empty because I wasn’t loving myself enough to even listen to my
feelings. Remember: Feelings are the windows of the soul. When I wasn’t feeling my
feelings, I didn’t have a clue what was happening inside me.
Again, self was an enemy of God, so why bother?
Just focus on God’s Word, and viola, everything will be solved, right?
How wrong I was.
Because God was speaking to me through my most negative emotions, and I wasn’t
listening.
Identify Your Feeling;
And Identify The Source Of Your Feelings
Sometimes, I can’t even identify what I was feeling.
I just knew it was a bad feeling—that’s why I was running away from it.
I didn’t know if it was sadness or fear or worry or anger.
But when I run away from my bad feelings, I run away from myself.
Today, I know what to do.
I sit down, be quiet for a while, and identify what I feel. I don’t just go rushing
about in my busy day.
When I identify it, then I feel the feeling. I feel it before God’s Presence.
I also try to identify the source of these feelings.
Why am I feeling this way?
Is there any action that I need to do?
Sometimes, this first step of “feeling my feelings” is all that’s needed. I don’t have
to do anything else.
By feeling what I feel, I respect myself.
By feeling what I feel, I heal myself.
It may take time for the painful feelings to pass, but ultimately, I rise from it whole
and peaceful.
Sometimes, I have to do something else. Perhaps I need to surrender to God.
Perhaps I need to do something concrete, like talk to someone or solve a problem.
In the End,
You Still Do What God Wants You To Do
No, I’m not supposed to follow my feelings blindly.
That’s from the crazy guys that preach, “Do what you feel. If you feel like
punching someone, then punch a pillow or wall. If you feel like screaming, then go inside
your room and scream like hell. If you want to get drunk, then drink…” I don’t buy that
strategy.
I didn’t say, “Do what you feel.” I said, “Feel what you feel.”
When you feel your feelings before the Presence of God’s love, in the end, you
still do what God wants you to do. But you allowed yourself to feel your painful feelings,
to validate them, and to listen to its inner messages.
This is a very important step of loving yourself.
Remember what I said about the immediate cause of our addictions? Because we
want to escape our painful emotions.
But by entering into our painful feelings with boldness, we realize that they’re not as
terrifying as we feared them to be. After awhile, we no longer need our addictions.
Because we no longer need escape routes from our painful emotions.
Finally, we come to the fourth step of loving ourselves.
4. Trust Your Needs
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been taught by my brand of religion not to trust
my feelings—and not to trust my needs as well. Because I figured my desires are most
likely from the flesh, not from the spirit.
The message I received was this: “Fear yourself. Fear your desires. Fear your
selfishness. Don’t trust yourself. Instead, trust God. Trust your group. Trust your leader.
Trust the system…” (This is the reason why there is so much spiritual abuse happening in
religious groups.)
Oh, what a terrible thing to believe!
Priests, preachers, and pastors love to emphasize this message: “Don’t trust
yourself!” Directly or indirectly, they will ask their members to simply rely in the
leaders’ wisdom and decisions. Unintentionally, they produce people who are infants in
their emotional and spiritual growth.
Instead of freedom, religion shackles us to immaturity. (God calls us to be
childlike, not childish.)
God Trusts You—
When Will You Learn To Trust You?
Instead, we need to hear a new message.
What message? That You’re made in the image and likeness of God![11] That
you’re not just good. You’re very good![12] So trust yourself because God trusts you. He
trusts you by calling you His child. He trusts you by planting His Kingdom in you. He
trusts you by dwelling within you. He trusts you by commissioning you to be His presence
in the world. He trusts you to love the way He does…”
Wow! (Believe me, when I pray, when I read the Bible, when I listen to God’s voice in
the depths of my heart, I say “Wow!” many, many times.)
And one way of trusting yourself is to trust your needs.
Not your sinful needs. (That’s what you need to deny.) But your legitimate, valid,
and God-planted needs.
Meet those needs. Even your need for joy.
Some people view all pleasure as bad. Their unwritten motto: “If it feels good, it
must be bad.” That’s not true.
I believe life was given by God to be enjoyed to the full. To be savoured with
delight. So taste. Breathe. Relish. Dance. Sing. Live!
When we enjoy life, we allow others to enjoy as well. (Ever wondered why some
religious people are so stuck-up, they don’t allow anyone to enjoy life?)
Love yourself!
What is Draining You?
Get Rid Of It If You Can.
I don’t intend to write a complete list of how you need to care for yourself. (I’ll do
that in another article.)
But here’s a question I want you to ask yourself:What is draining you?
What person, thing, activity, group, habit, situation, and places in your life drains your
joy and life and energy and holiness? What sucks your happiness?
If you can get rid of that draining thing, do so!
By doing that, you’ll grow up and have more life and energy for the right things that God
wants you to do.
In other words, I’m asking you to set your boundaries.
Let me list the probable “draining” things in your life…
1. Take care of your emotional health.
o I spend a lot of time with “emotional vampires”—people who are so
dependent on me, or those who are exceedingly negative, or those who
emotionally manipulate me…
o I still hang on to a dead-end romantic relationship
o I don’t have close friends
o I watch too much TV
o I don’t have time just to rest and reflect, to read and plan
2. Take care of your family life
o My relationship with my spouse and kids is shallow
o I have a long-standing conflict with a family member
o My home environment is chaotic
o I feel I’m not a great mother (father, son, daughter…)
3. Take care of your professional life
o I don’t enjoy my job
o I feel that I’m not fulfilling my mission in my job
o I feel that my core gifts can be used elsewhere
o I can no longer work with my co-workers
o I don’t see a future in my career
4. Take care of your physical health
o I don’t eat the right food
o I don’t sleep enough
o I don’t exercise enough
o I have a vice that’s robbing me of my health
5. Take care of your financial health
o I let “parasites” depend on me instead of letting them stand on their own
o I have huge debts
o I pay my bills late
o I don’t know where my money is going each month
o I don’t have savings and investment plan
o I know I won’t have enough for my retirement and old age
6. Take care of your spiritual health
o I’m in bondage to an addiction that’s draining me spiritually
o I focus on my sin, not on God’s love for me
o I don’t spend time with God
o I lack a faith community of friends to support me
o I feel I’m not following my own moral compass
o I feel I’m not serving God and others
If you checked any of the items above, do something about it! Ask for help.
But don’t get drained to the point that there’s nothing to give anymore.
Love The Sinner And The Saint Within
We’re tempted to only see the sinner in us.
Remind yourself that there’s a saint in you too.
Last July, I had a few birthday parties among close friends.
It has been our tradition that we honor birthday celebrants—so it was my turn to be in the
hot seat.
I have to be honest with you. It’s always unnerving to be honored by friends for an
hour—but after awhile, I felt my Love Tank filled up.
For example, one friend recalled how I helped him during a time of need. (I did?
Really?) Another friend shared how she was so touched by my compassion. Another
friend honored me for how I stood by him even when everyone else rejected him.
I wish the Preacher In Blue Jeans camera was on! Too bad it wasn’t. No, not so that you
would hear their honoring. But so that I could replay them and I could hear them again—
especially during times of self-doubt. When I feel bad. When I feel I’m not worthy. (Yes,
I go through those times.)
This is a universal experience.
Let me end by sharing a beautiful story I read in theChicken Soup series…
Step #1:
Say No to Toxic People
There are many types of Toxic Persons, but let me focus on 6 types that you should
avoid:
Toxic Person #1: Those who encourage your addiction
Toxic Person #2: Those who constantly hurt you
Toxic Person #3: Those who control you through force
Toxic Person #4: Those who control you through manipulation
Toxic Person #5: Those who pass their responsibilities to you
Toxic Person #6: Those who whine about life and invalidate you
Do you have Toxic People in your life? God says,Blessed is the man that walks not
in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the
scornful.[2]
Let’s heed those wise words!
Let’s find out if you have Toxic People in your life…
Toxic Person #1:
Those Who Encourage Your Addiction
You know this story very well because it happens too often.
My friend “Jim” was a drug addict. He entered a rehab for a year. In that entire
year, Jim didn’t touch the drug. He went back home a new man.
Not a few days after, an old friend who used to take drugs with Jim visited him at
home and offered him shabu. Jim said no, “I don’t take that anymore.” But as the days
progressed, he kept on meeting his old friends. After only three months, Jim snorted
shabu again—and his addiction was more severe than before.
Question: What caused his downfall?
Answer: He shaped his inner world, but he didn’t shape his outer world.
He needed a new set of friends. He needed a new itinerary. He also needed new
hobbies, new music, new activities…
It’s pretty obvious. If you’re an alcoholic, stop hanging out with friends who drink.
Hang out with new friends who don’t. If you’re a gambler, cut friendships with other
gamblers. Hang out with people who don’t gamble. And so on.
Many people don’t use their power to choose their friends. They just accept the people
who call up, visit, and appear on their doorstep.
Big mistake. Don’t do that. Jesus says If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it
out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your
whole body to be thrown into hell.[3]
Go out and choose the kind of people you like to become. (More on this later.)
Toxic Person #2:
Those Who Constantly Hurt You
Do you avoid danger?
If you see a rabid Doberman, foaming in the mouth, sharp fangs exposed, racing
towards you at top speed, would you run away as fast as Flash? Or would you stand there
with a smile, stretch out your hand and say, “Here kitty, kitty…”
I bet you’d run faster than you ever did in your entire life.
Unless you have a death wish.
The Wise Book says a prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple
(foolish) keep going and suffer for it.[4]
Here’s a sad fact. After my years of counselling hordes of people, I’ve realized
many have a death wish when it comes to choosing their boyfriends, girlfriends,
husbands, wives, business partners, spiritual leaders, organizations, and friends.
Because they choose abusers.
They get physically abused. Verbally abused. Emotionally abused. Spiritually
abused.
And after an abusive relationship breaks up, they jump into another abusive
relationship. Insane, I tell you. But after 27 years in ministry, it’s more common than you
think.
I have only one explanation for this crazy phenomenon: Victims like being victims.
Why? Perhaps because they want to pay for their sins. Or perhaps they feel they deserve
the punishment. Or perhaps they feel superior to the abuser. Or perhaps that’s how they
get the empathy from other people.
But this is sick.
Let me shout this to the rooftops: Get rid of all abusers in you life!
Don’t Just Stand There—Do Something!
If your spouse is an abuser, get away as far as possible from him or her. I’m not
saying get a divorce right away. But don’t live in the same house with an abuser until the
person gets help and gets healed.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend is an abuser, what are you doing still sticking with
that person? You should have left the first time abuse took place.
If your organization, fraternity, club, prayer group, or church demeans you,
manipulates you, drains you, abuses you—why are you still there? Look for a group that
blesses you and nourishes you.
If your business partner steals from you, cheats on you, or disrespects you—get
out, sell out, and find another business partner.
Remember: When you’re with an abuser, you create more inner pain, and inner
pain can produce more hidden addictions.
Jesus says, Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do,
they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.[5] You are
sacred. You are the pearls. So don’t throw yourself to dogs and pigs.
Some people however may not be obviously abusers, but they abuse you in a less obvious
way…
Toxic Person #3:
Those Who Control You Through Force
There are people who control you through subtle aggression. They intimidate you.
They’re bigger. They’re louder. They’re scary. They’re bullies in nice clothes.
The Controller could be your husband. Or your grandmother. Or your friend. Or
your boss.
Let me tell you a story I read recently…
One day, a young guy was walking on a dark street. Suddenly, out of an Acacia
tree, an old man wrapped in a black robe appeared. His eyes were fierce, his face pale, his
beard unkempt. He pushed a black book towards the young man and ordered, “You need
to read this book! Buy it for P700.”
The young man was shocked and mumbled, “I don’t have P700…”
But the elderly man spoke with a louder voice, “You need to read this book! Give me
P700.” So with shaking hands, the lad fumbled with his wallet and handed P700 to him.
The mysterious man placed the black book in the chap’s hand and said, “Whatever you
do, never look at the last page. Or you will regret it.” He then walked towards the field
behind them and suddenly disappeared!
The young man went home, shaken to the core. In the evening, he started reading the
book. It was all about ghosts and werewolves and vampires! After awhile, he grew tired,
closed the book and went to bed.
But he couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning, the young man could only think of one
thing: What was on the last page of the book? What will I regret seeing there?
Finally, he couldn’t take the suspense any longer. With every ounce of courage he
could muster, he grabbed the black book. With trembling fingers, he opened it to the last
page…
And when he saw it, at once, waves of regret filled him!
The last page was empty.
Except for a small note that said, “P49.50, National Bookstore.”
Friend, never get intimidated to do what you don’t want to do.
Because often, you’ll get robbed.
Toxic Person #4:
Those Who Control You Through Manipulation
There is another kind of Controller that doesn’t do it through aggression but through
manipulation. In an even more subtle way, they will control you.
Here’s the truth: Samson may have been romantically attracted to Delilah, but he
really didn’t love her. If he really loved her, he would have told her off and shooed her
away. That was the kind of love she needed.
Toxic Person #5:
Those Who Pass Their Responsibilities To You
Some justify helping a parasite by quoting Galatians 6:2 when St. Paul says,
“Carry each other burdens…” But 3 verses later, St. Paul also says, “Each one should
carry his own load.” That means if a parasite asks for your help, the best way to help him
is to say ‘No’.
I give a lot. Dole outs are fine when there’s a real emergency. But I stop giving when his
daily life becomes an emergency. Because most of my giving is focused on teaching
people how to fish, not just giving fish. I give when I know the person will learn how to
stand on his own two feet one day.
There are people who are constantly negative—and they suck your energy dry. Believe
me, after talking with them, you feel as though the sky is darker, the world is uglier, and
life is more miserable than ever.
Whiners complain about everything. The heat. The cold. The boss. The money. The
government. On and on and on. It never stops.
Whiners are bad, but invalidators are worse. Invalidators are whiners too, but instead of
just criticizing the world, they specialize in criticizing you. When you mention a plan, a
dream, or an original idea, you’ll hear an invalidator say, “You? Do that?” He’ll roll up
his eyes, shake his head, and smirk. These pompous know-it-alls believe they know you
and your future more than God. Before an invalidator, you’ll always remain small. Size
up the invalidator’s “friends”, and you’ll discover other “small” people who bow down to
his majesty.
Whiners will steal away your joy. Invalidators will steal away your dreams. If you don’t
watch out, they’ll infect you with their virus and you’ll become a professional cynic like
them.
Whiners and invalidators are losers. If your friends are losers, get a new set of friends.
I’m not saying that you dump them. God wants you to love them. But you don’t have to
hangout with them. Instead, hangout with people who respect you. And people who
inspire you. And people who put their energies to build up rather than destroy. And
people of life and beauty and love.
By The Way, Are You The Toxic Person?
Avoiding toxic people is difficult.
Avoiding being the toxic person is even more difficult.
What if you’re the abuser, or controller, or manipulator, or parasite, or whiner, or
invalidator?
Ask people close by for their honest feedback.
If they say, “Yes,” own up to your behavior, quick. And get to work!
(What you’ll do is beyond the scope of this article, but I hope to discuss that another
time.)
Step #2:
Say Yes to Terrific People
What is shaping you now?
The Good Book says, Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his
friend.[7] If you’re with terrific people, then these terrific people are sharpening you….
Terrific Person #1: Those Who Nourish You Emotionally
Terrific Person #2: Those Who Nourish You Spiritually
Terrific Person #3: Those Who Nourish You Intellectually
Terrific Person #4: Spend Time With God, Who Else?
This is who you really are. Remind yourself of these 3 Self-Portraits, and your life
will change!
Your First Self-Portrait:
You’re More Important Than The Universe
Because You’re A Child Of God
But I’m asking you not just to hang a photo of an electric fan on your wall.
Use the power of pictures for a more important task: Hang a photo of yourself in your
heart—the kind of person God wants you to be in the future. Like Rudy, I want to you
focus on that photo—your Self-Portrait—and dream big dreams.
See yourself as a holy person.
See yourself as a loving person.
See yourself as a successful person.
And see yourself as a “truly rich” person.
Redefine yourself. Now.
Get Rid Of Toxic Faith
Does Your Religiosity Worsen Your Hidden Addictions?
Find Out By Looking For The 5 Symptoms Of Toxic Faith.
Sex scandals among Christian evangelists and pastors are not any different. How
can one forget the scandals of big names like Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggart, and most
recently, Ted Haggard?
Jim Bakker, President of the Praise The Lord (PTL) empire, was accused raping
his secretary Jessica Hahn and paying her $265,000 to remain silent.
Jimmy Swaggart, the biggest televangelist when I was growing up, called Jim
Bakker on Larry King Live a “cancer in the Body of Christ” for his sexual indiscretions.
He also exposed Pastor Marvin Gorman of having an adulterous affair with one his
parishioners. In retaliation, Pastor Gorman hired a private detective to follow Swaggart,
who photographed him leaving a motel with prostitute Debra Murphree. Swaggart
tearfully spoke to his church and apologized. But in 1991, he was found again with
another prostitute, Rosemarie Garcia.
Ted Haggard, senior pastor of a 14,000-member church and president of
the National Association of Evangelicals, was accused of enjoying the services of Mike
Jones, a male prostitute for 3 years and takingshabu to heighten the experience.
Ironically, before this, Ted Haggard condemned homosexuality very strongly in his TV
appearances.
Again, let me make this clear: I also believe most pastors and preachers are
wonderful people and great servants of God. But these scandals call us to look deeper
into our soul. Because whatever made Swaggart, Bakker, and Haggard fall is lurking
within all of us. No exemption.
Why do religious people have hidden addictions?
There are many causes.
One of the major ones is Toxic Faith.
The 5 Symptoms of Toxic Faith
What is Toxic Faith? How do you know if you have Toxic Faith?
Frankly, this requires an entire book to explore (and I’ll probably do that one day), but
here’s a brief exploration of this very explosive, highly controversial subject.
My friend “Ren” has cancer. For some time, she’s been praying for healing.
One day, she was prayed over by a Pastor of the Hyper-Faith variety. After praying
over her, this Pastor declared to her with the authority of an Old Testament prophet, “The
only reason why you’re still sick is because you lack faith.”
Ren was devastated. She felt guilty. Sad. Confused. And angry.
She felt guilty that she had little faith.
She was sad that she couldn’t make it grow after all these years.
She was confused because she didn’t know what to do.
And she was angry at God that He was giving her healing but placed it beyond the
reach of her small faith.
But what was the truth? I knew Ren. My friend hasgreat faith.
She trusted in God even in the midst of her sickness.
But Hyper-Faith will not allow that.
If You Want To Be Wealthy, Just Tithe?
This is their belief: If you’re close to God, you’ll be healthy and wealthy. You’ll
never get sick and you should never be poor.
I don’t teach Hyper-Faith. Instead, I preach real hope.
I also preach the practical things that people need to do to reach their
dreams. Some people call me a Prosperity Preacher. I’d rather that they call me a
Practical Preacher. Because not everything happens just by praying. (People criticize me
for that too. They say I’m too practical. Oh well, you can’t please everyone all the time.)
For example, some preachers say that tithing is the key to prosperity. I once read
an entire book of financial prosperity, and for 11 chapters straight, the author just talked
about giving and nothing else.
But here’s the big question: Why is it that there are people who tithe and remain
poor? Lack of faith again?
Here’s why: Because tithing is only one of the keys to prosperity. There are other
practical keys that one has to do to become prosperous. Like what? Like living simply;
And saving regularly; And learning how to invest and knowing where to invest; etc…
That’s the stuff that I love to teach people.
(Note: If you want to learn more about how to receive financial blessings, attend
my How To Be Truly Rich Seminar on November 3, 2007, 9am to 12noon. I want as
many people to learn how to reach financial freedom, so we made it very affordable.
Your learning investment is P475 only per person. Call Beckie at Tel. (02) 7229562
(Tuesdays to Fridays, 9am - 6pm) or email her at beaconlightevents@gmail.com Once
you graduate from that, you can apply for the Truly Rich Financial Coaching Program.)
That’s another distorted belief of Toxic Faith: Having true faith means not doing
anything but waiting on God to do it for me.
Let me give you other distorted beliefs…
Learned Power!
If there’s such a thing as “Learned Helplessness”, then there’s the phenomenon of
“Learned Power”. God has supplied you the power to change your life—you just have to
discover it within you.
Learned Helplessness happens one day at a time.
Learned Power happens one day at a time too.
But many Christians will tell me, “Bo, that smells like ‘willpower’ Christianity.
That doesn’t work. We need to depend on God alone.” I’ve also met Christians who tell
me, “Bo, I’ve tried my best to stop my sin. It doesn’t work. I’ve tried ‘willpower’
Christianity and failed miserably. So I’m now just surrendering everything to God…”
Hey, that’s fine—if “surrendering” means depending on God.
He is the source of all blessings.
But listen well: God’s infinite blessing will have to flow through a channel, and
one of His major channels is through your will. Because God works through your
choices.
And by the mere fact that He gave you freewill, don’t you think He wants you to
use it? Or is it some sick tool He gave you to prove that no matter how much you use it, it
won’t work? (Gosh, if that were true, God is cruel.)
The Bible says that you are blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly
world[3]. I believe that. And I believe that includes the power to decide to change your
life one day at a time.
Break The Rope One Strand At A Time
If I tied a single strand of thread around your two hands, would you be able to
break free? In a snap, right?
But what if I tied your hands with one hundred strands of thread—would it be as
easy?
No it won’t. Brute strength would be useless.
You need a strategy: You need to cut one piece of thread at a time.
It’s the same thing with a bad habit.
You have to do it one day at a time.
Tomorrow, do the same thing.
And the next day, do it again.
And pretty soon, you’ll be cutting the last strand.
Friend, you’re not helpless. You can change your life!
You can change your Spiritual life.
You can change your Family life.
You can change your Physical Life.
You can change your Financial life.
Starting today!