1

SIX SHORT CHRISTMAS PLAYS

By

Dale Andersen 27702 Crown Valley Parkway Suite 117, D-4 Ladera Ranch, CA 92694 (562) 508-5820 http://www.scribd.com/daleandersen andersen.dale@gmail.com

Table of Contents

A Dogs ChristmasPage 3 MissingPage 15 Merry Christmas, Bitch!Page 32 Christmas TrucePage 44 Thank YouPage 56 Mina, Youve a Customer Up FrontPage 68

A DOGS CHRISTMAS
Cast of Characters AliFemale, Mongrel, street-savvy ArtieMale, Pug, fiesty, leads with his mouth BrickMale, Akita, tough guy but not a leader CyrilMale, Russian Wolfhound, a dreamer, an artist Synopsis Its Christmas and four dogs in a pound contemplate life, death, happiness and the hereafter. Technical Requirements A table, four chairs, a deck of cards.

(Christmas Eve. waiting, a bowl Each biscuit is ribbon. A deck cards. He hums ARTIE & BRICK) Welcome! Welcome!

Animal Shelter. CYRIL sits of dog biscuits on table. tied with a Christmas of cards. He shuffles Jingle Bells. Enter ALI,

CYRIL: ARTIE: Ooooh, biscuits! Thank you, Cyril. Awww, Cyr. ALI: That is so sweet of you.

BRICK: You didnt have to. (They get seated. They munch on the fare)

4 ARTIE: (Mouth full of biscuit) Whats the deal with the ribbons? CYRIL: Its Christmas. ARTIE: Yeah, so? CYRIL: Havent you noticed how everyones gone? Thats right. BRICK: They all skedaddled just after lunch.

ALI: Now that I think on it, the only one left out there is Evelyn. ARTIE: Not that loser! ALI: Artie. Right. (Looks around. Smiles. Rubs hands together) We got the place to ourselves. (ARTIE picks up cards and shuffles, talking as he does) Dja all hear about Becky? So. BRICK: Yeah. It sucks! ARTIE: It just sucks! ALI: What about Becky? I tell ya. ARTIE: Chicks get all the breaks. Shes very nice. ARTIE:

5 Yeah right. Lucky us. what about Becky? It sucks! ALI: We get all the breaks. So

ARTIE: I mean, it just sucks! ALI: Try nursing seven pups.

Ill give you sucks.

CYRIL: Whats all this about Becky? ALI: Its nothing, Cyr. Just some type-A males venting about you know what. ARTIE: Hey, shut up! ALI: Ooooh, struck a nerve. ARTIE: Tell ya, you cant win. The fix is on. Game over, man. ALI: Can we move on and just cut the cards? ARTIE: Cut, Cyr. (Long silence. Cyril is having a wolfhound moment, his mind off in space somewhere) Cut! Uh Cyr. What? BRICK: Artie wants you should cut the cards. Oh. Yes. CYRIL: Sorry, Artie. ARTIE: Geez, Cyril.

6 CYRIL: I really am sorry. ARTIE: Willya just hurry up and cut? (Cyril cuts. Artie grabs deck and deals) That was a nice kid. A real nice little kid. With a pretty mom. They both had real nice smiles. I wouldda been so. Well. What am I thinking? (They play cards as they talk) Cyril: Of whom are we speaking? Becky! ARTIE: Who do you think were talking about?

ALI: Always blaming the female. Cherchez La Femme. BRICK: So. The mom and the little kid. look at you? ARTIE: They make em look at everybody. BRICK: Well, what happened? ARTIE: What happened? You wanna know what happened? Ill tell you what happened! They were passing my cage and I went to my sit position just like I practiced a million times. You know, butt down, head up, eyes alert. I could tell the little boy was impressed. I even tilted my head so I could give him a really intelligent smile. And then you know what Becky does? She wiggles her tush. Jumps around going Yap, yap, yap Crouches down on all fours. Rolls over. And her tongue is goin a thousand miles a minute. You cant compete with that! I tell you. Chicks get all the breaks. Did they stop and

7 Artie. BRICK: Dont get upset.

ALI: It is such a double standard around here. Were supposed to be attractive, but when a male wants to strut his stuff, were supposed to back away and be invisible. Wheres the justice? ARTIE: All Im asking is a chance. BRICK: Hes not asking much, Ali. Just a chance. ARTIE: I would be the best dog ever. I know I would. give me the chance. Please take me home for Christmas. Im Artie. Try me. Please. Relax, Artie. BRICK: Take it easy. Just

CYRIL: Its true. Being the dog at someones house is a wonderfully unique experience. It was like that for me when I lived with Miss Rosa. What a wonderful woman. ARTIE: You see? You see? Even Cyril had a shot. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with this picture? CYRIL: Did I say something wrong? Naw. Arties a pug. ALI: Pugs always whine.

BRICK: (Stage whisper to CYRIL & ALI) Listen! Will you two cut it out!? Arties got five days and if he doesnt find a home, theyre gonna. (Runs finger across throat in a slashing motion. ALI & CYRIL blink, gasp) So be nice to him. The key is, dont upset him.

8 (Silence. Hey, Cyril! CYRIL: (Making the effort to sound especially nice. ALI flashes a big smile) Yes, Artie. Just for the record. Artie. ARTIE: How dja hook up with Miss Rosa? They play cards. ARTIE: Then)

BRICK: Would you please just relax? ARTIE:

I am relaxed. BRICK: I dont want you getting upset. ARTIE: What are you talking about? I am relaxed! Very relaxed! Extremely relaxed! Im just trying to understand some stuff, OK? Just trying to get some clarification. Youre pissed. I am not pissed! BRICK: Yes, you are! ARTIE: Hey! Dont try and psychoanalyze me, OK? willya tell me about Miss Rosa? Please. Dont tell him, Cyril. BRICK: Itll upset him. Cyril, BRICK: I know when youre - ARTIE:

9 Cmon Cyr. ARTIE: Talk to your buddy Artie.

ALI: Hey! I thought this was gonna be a friendly card game. Anyone wanna play cards? BRICK: (Growls threateningly) Cyril. ARTIE: Now Brick, youre starting to piss me off. CYRIL: (Getting flustered and nervous) What do you want me to do? BRICK: Just go ahead and do what you damn well

Brick.

I give up! want.

ALI: Dont you just love how decisive males are? on, so take charge? ARTIE: Yeah, why doncha butt out, Brick? BRICK: OK, screw it then. ARTIE: Yeah, just screw it, jerkoff. BRICK: Right. Screw it.

So hands

CYRIL: Brick. Im really dont want you to be mad at me. didnt mean - BRICK: (Overlaps at mean) Its OK!

10 CYRIL: Youre certain. BRICK: I said it was OK! ALI: Didntja hear him say it was OK? OK. Uh, Artie. Its OK. Sheesh!

CYRIL: So what exactly did you want to know?

ARTIE: I wanna know all the details. And the details behind the details. Like. Whered Miss Rosa find you? Oh, ha ha. Say what? CYRIL: To put it succinctly, I walked into her yard. Walked in? ARTIE: Walked in from where? CYRIL: It was more like me finding her. ARTIE:

BRICK: His owners dumped him out in the sticks. Yes. Sad to say. day they didnt. CYRIL: One day they wanted me. The next

ARTIE: Wait a minute. Are you talking about Miss Rosa? thought you said - No. Artie. BRICK: This was before Miss Rosa.

11 ALI: (Indicates CYRIL) Its Cyrils story. Okay? BRICK: Everybodys dumpin on me. ARTIE: Good plan, doofus brain. CYRIL: It was a young couple. No children. Dual income, no kids. DINKs. And they were away all day. ARTIE: They left you alone? CYRIL: Theyd come back at night. They fought all the time and the woman would drink and kick me. ARTIE: You shouldda bit her! CYRIL: Thats not my style. To make a long story short, Christmas Day they were both home. They put me in the car and we went for a ride out on the country roads and - BRICK: And they threw him out of the car. ALI: (Shivers) That happened to me, too. CYRIL: Brick, it wasnt exactly like that! BRICK: All right, not exactly. They didnt throw him out. They pushed him out. Then they drove off. Guess Ill

Brick.

Well screw it. just shut up.

12 ARTIE: They did this on Christmas Day? CYRIL: Right after Miracle on 34th Street. ALI: My owners did it to me on Labor Day. ARTIE: The maggots! CYRIL: I started walking and I came to a house. And there were chickens in the yard and two skinny cats who hissed at me and a big tom turkey and there was Miss Rosa tossing seeds to the chickens and the turkey. And she turned to me and she said, Merry Christmas, big fella. You look hungry. ARTIE: Awright! CYRIL: I wasnt hungry but I nodded and opened my mouth. She went inside and came back out with the biggest soup bone I ever saw in my life. ARTIE: Oh man! CYRIL: She never cursed me. She never kicked me. She never scolded me. She always said, Good boy. Good dog. ALI: My female intuition is kicking in. (Takes a hanky, dabs her eyes) I know this is gonna have a sad ending. Hey! ARTIE: You wanna put a sock in it? So what happened? I was pregnant.

13 CYRIL: One morning I woke up early. I heard the cats in the kitchen. I knew something wasnt right. I walked in and I saw her there on the floor. The cats already knew she was gone. They were hissing and growling. I told them I was sorry. They rubbed against me and told me they were sorry too. That was the only time those cats ever spoke to me. BRICK: Freaking cats! ALI: (Sobbing) That is so sad. CYRIL: One of Miss Rosas sons came to the house around noon and they took her away. ARTIE: Im sorry, Cyr. ALI: (Sobbing) That is so sad. CYRIL: She was a saint. I loved her. (Tears well up) She was a saint. (Long reflective silence. quietly sob) ARTIE: Cyr? CYRIL: Yes, Artie. ARTIE: A good woman like Miss Rosa. Good to dogs. cats. Good to birds. Good to ALI continues to

14 BRICK: Freaking birds! ARTIE: Do you think shes you know. Somewhere? Out there?

CYRIL: Artie. I have no doubt shes up there looking down on us right now. ARTIE: Really? CYRIL: I believe a virtuous life is rewarded. Wow. So. in this? So. ARTIE: Are you including uh. You know. Dogs

CYRIL: There are virtuous dogs. Just like there are virtuous humans. And virtuous cows. BRICK: Freaking cows! ARTIE: Cyril. CYRIL: Yes, Artie. ARTIE: Do you think? CYRIL: Youre a good dog, Artie. Youre a shoo-in. End

15

MISSING
Cast of Characters LouiseFemale, early thirties, scruffy MartinMale, late thirties, scruffy Synopsis Take two marginal characters, a blown-up 7-Eleven, and a man who stores his dead uncle in the walk-in freezer. Mix in some threatening phone calls and a missing hand. Stir well. (A December morning. Downtown Fargo. Cold & crisp. Were in the parking lot of a blownup 7-Eleven. Yellow Police Line Keep Out tape. Inside the police tape, LOUISE in grubby clothes, a Christmas stocking cap slightly askew on her head. Shes picking up bits of debris, examining each bit, then depositing it in a garbage bag. A pouch hangs from her belt. She hums Jingle Bells. Her humming is slow and somber. MARTIN enters, stops at the tape, sees her and looks surprised. She senses someones watching. She stops, straightens up, turns) LOUISE: Well well. Marty Dean. MARTIN: Thank God youre alive.

Louise, youre alive! Course Im alive.

LOUISE: Why wouldnt I be?

16 MARTIN: Terrible thing. Terrible. You should consider yourself very, very lucky. LOUISE: Yup. Thats me. Lucky Louise. Lucky Louise, despite I never won a MegaBucks jackpot. Never even won a piddly little Daily Scratcher. MARTIN: I meant youre lucky to be. LOUISE: I know what you meant, Marty. MARTIN: Eyewitness News said it was a first. First 7-Eleven explosion ever in Fargo. First 7-Eleven explosion anywhere in North Dakota for that matter. LOUISE: Ill give you something else thats a first. Christmas for me without a job. MARTIN: Abduls not giving you your job back? LOUISE: It only blew up two days ago. Seeing as how we got ten days till Christmas, I just dont see the store standing tall in time for a visit from Santa. MARTIN: But he did promise you your job back. LOUISE: Hasnt been discussed, Marty. MARTIN: Thats wrong. That is very wrong. He shouldda notified you right away. Youre a key person, valued employee. You know where all the stuff is. First

17 LOUISE: Which is really useful. What with all the stuff scattered in the parking lot. MARTIN: Speaking of that. I saw on Eyewitness News where Abdul said he was looking for volunteers to help clean up. LOUISE: So? MARTIN: So here I am. Volunteering. You know what the commercial says. Like a good neighbor. LOUISE: Well, neighbor, youre a day late and a dollar short. Abduls cleanup was yesterday. Yesterday? MARTIN: So how come you still got a mess?

LOUISE: We got a mess cause not many neighbors showed up. MARTIN: How could that be? Abduls got thousands of customers. LOUISE: Hundreds, not thousands. Dont exaggerate. Okay. Im saying you this cause youre a regular. (He crosses his heart. its a big secret) She leans in, like

LOUISE: Seems some people dont like Abdul cause of his name. Well, I like it. MARTIN: His name, I mean.

LOUISE: Youre in the minority. Some people connect Abdul to the World Trade Center. One lady said, How do we know he wasnt making bombs back there? Maybe the explosion was a bomb that went off by accident.

18 MARTIN: Now thats ridiculous! He wasnt making bombs. Was he? LOUISE: Course not. But some people assumed. Makes you wonder what you gotta do to be an American around here when you got people assuming stuff about you. Assuming because of your name, you got all these crazy ideas. MARTIN: Never heard him talk crazy. Where is he anyway? LOUISE: Missing. MARTIN: You mean like dead? LOUISE: No. Missing. He came here just after, looked around, said he needed help. Then he skedaddled. Personally, I think hes lying low till the dust clears. MARTIN: Thats desertion. Leaving the scene of. Or something. LOUISE: Dont be so quick to throw stones. If your RV blew up and set some cars on fire and knocked down a power line, wouldnt you make yourself scarce for a while? MARTIN: Yeah. Guess I would. LOUISE: Trust cops to be cops. Abduls doing the right thing. You can always come in later, say you had a concussion and wandered in the woods till your memory came back. MARTIN: Well, anyway, glad nothing bad happened to you. (She makes like getting ready to go back to work picking up debris. He doesnt move)

19 LOUISE: I gotta do some stuff now. MARTIN: Not stopping you. LOUISE: I dont like if youre just gonna stare at me. MARTIN: You dont like me staring? So what about all those 2 ams? You saying I shouldda stayed away? LOUISE: Now dont get upset. MARTIN: Dont get upset. I was there for you cause I thought you were lonely. Running a 7-Eleven in the wee hours is lonely work. Thought youd appreciate some company. (She starts picking up debris) LOUISE: you were doing it for hot dogs. You wake up 1 am munchies. Show up at my counter at 2. walks in, I turn my back, another hot dogs With you, its all about hot dogs.

Fact is, with the Customer missing.

MARTIN: You got me wrong. You think everyone works an angle. LOUISE: Dont know anyone elses angle, but I sure know yours. MARTIN: More to life than hot dogs, Louise. I been a lot of places, seen a lot of stuff. One thing I know. Karmas gonna get you. Bad thoughts about other people will rebound unto yourself. Thats straight outta Buddha. Dont curse me, Marty. LOUISE: Dont like being cursed.

20 MARTIN: (Sees her slip an object into her pouch) What was that you just did? LOUISE: What? MARTIN: You picked up something, slipped it into your pouch. LOUISE: No. MARTIN: I saw you. LOUISE: Youre imagining things. MARTIN: Im telling you, I saw you. LOUISE: (Holds pouch behind her back) Not saying this again. Theres nothing in the bag. MARTIN: (Ducks under police tape, approaches her) Well. Then I guess you wont mind holding it out front, turning it upside down and shaking it out. LOUISE: Why you pushing this, Marty? MARTIN: (Trying to see behind her) Cause I think I got you pegged. LOUISE: (Backs away, blocks his view) Whats pegged?

Pegged?

MARTIN: Way I see it is, you want to work out here by yourself cause theres something of value here. See, when you try to fool Ole Marty, you open a big ole can of corn.

21 LOUISE: Marty, I thought we were friends. MARTIN: Starting to wonder what you mean by friends. Yessiree, theres something of value out here. I can smell it. LOUISE: Marty, you dont talk to a friend like that. MARTIN: Friend wouldnt tell a friend to stop staring. Uh. LOUISE: Youre. Youre right.

MARTIN: Friend wouldnt begrudge a friend a few hot dogs. Youre right. So what is it? Marty. LOUISE: Youre right again. MARTIN: Cash money? Bundle of twenties?

LOUISE: Its not what you think.

MARTIN: Cash. Gotta be cash. Safe blew up. Big roll of Franklins missing in action. Hundred dollar bills. LOUISE: Stop fantasizing, Marty. MARTIN: All I wants half. LOUISE: Half?!? MARTIN: Fairs fair. Or I might have to report this.

22 LOUISE: Friends dont threaten friends. MARTIN: Friends dont exclude friends. Friends dont cut friends out. Friends share the wealth. LOUISE: You dont even know what this is about. MARTIN: Whats to know? On the one hand, theres an explosion. Maybe a threat to the planet. And then theres your suspicious post-explosion activity. Or maybe its just an unfortunate event. But here you are, Abduls Girl Friday. And youre not here for your health. You know something. See, I can put B and C together and get D. D as in deal. So now, friend, whats the deal? LOUISE: The deal is, you are crazy! Youre nuts. MARTIN: You calling me nuts. Look at you. Trying to rip Abdul off. You dont want him knowing. Nosirree. You dont want me telling the Feds and them talking to Abdul. Havent you been reading the paper? Those Muslimsll cut your head off for looking at them crosseyed. LOUISE: You got it all wrong. Just give me half. MARTIN: And my lips are sealed.

LOUISE: So what if its half of nothing? Hey, come on. You know what? MARTIN: Youre talking to a friend. LOUISE: All those hot dogs gone to your brain.

23 MARTIN: Bottom line is, Im not going away. LOUISE: (Silence. Finally) All right. You win. MARTIN: Now youre talking. (LOUISE squats down, MARTIN squats down) LOUISE: (Holds up unopened pouch) I want your word this an absolute secret. MARTIN: Unlike some people I could name, my word is gold. LOUISE: You ready? MARTIN: Let her rip. (She takes the pouch and empties it. A plop sound is heard. MARTIN springs up) Jiminy Crickets! (He turns his back, looks over his shoulder) Jiminy Holy Cow Crickets! (Looks again. Stamps his foot) Thats a hand! Thats a human hand you got there! LOUISE: Said it wasnt what you thought. MARTIN: Yeah but. But what about the cash? Wheres my half? Now give.

Okay.

Hot dog!

LOUISE: There is no cash. (Puts hand back in pouch. Stands) Remember you promised. Youre keeping this a secret. What about the cops? MARTIN: What if they come around?

24 LOUISE: Why would they talk to you? Just say they did. MARTIN: What do I say?

LOUISE: Say you were asleep. Which is true most of the time. So uh. So is it? MARTIN: Is that a real hand?

LOUISE: Think I go around planting fake hands? MARTIN: I just meant, if its a real hand, Id think youd be scared. LOUISE: Think Im not scared? MARTIN: I dont like seeing you scared. You better not be scared. Youre not scared. Are you? (A worried look crosses her face) LOUISE: Thing is, stuffs been going on. his mind lately. Abduls had a lot on

MARTIN: I do admit to noticing him in the store less often. LOUISE: Hes seeing a Mexican girl. MARTIN: Oh, you mean the one who. LOUISE: Yeah, her. Shes Pentecostal. Hes serious about her. Hes been going to prayer meetings.

25 MARTIN: God works in mysterious ways.

You know what they say. Yeah, mysterious.

LOUISE: Real mysterious. Then)

(Silence. They stare at the ground.

LOUISE: Well, shoot, guess I better ditch this hand someplace. MARTIN: You mean youre gonna throw it away? LOUISE: Thats the plan, Stan. MARTIN: Can I have it? LOUISE: What are you going to do with it? Dry it. MARTIN: Wear it off my belt.

LOUISE: It was Abduls uncles hand. You cant wear his uncles hand off your belt. MARTIN: His uncle? The old guy with the snuff and the tin can and the shawl? I thought he went back to - LOUISE: He kind of did. MARTIN: Yeah? LOUISE: And he kind of didnt.

26 MARTIN: (Starts to get nervous) Yeah? LOUISE: Know how you always mean to finish a job? You say Tomorrow, but tomorrow the piles even higher? It was Friday around six. Uncle Abdulla was sitting there spitting tobacco into a can. The Mexicans were cashing paychecks and buying beer. I saw Uncle Abdulla wasnt moving but I couldnt do anything. I was alone. The line was out the door. Abdul never works Fridays and Alice went home sick. So Abdul comes in at midnight to count cash and I tell him his uncle hasnt moved in four hours. So he puts a hand in front of the old guys mouth, shakes his head, drags him in the freezer and says, Ill take care of it tomorrow. MARTIN: What if he wasnt dead? LOUISE: We were pretty sure he was. Next day was Saturday which was the opening of trout season. All these guys were in and out buying beer and ice. The beer and ice trucks were coming and going. So Abdul just wraps uncle in plastic and pushes him behind the ice cream. MARTIN: You had a dead body behind the ice cream?!? LOUISE: It wasn't smelling up the freezer. It was wrapped in plastic, okay? Abdul kind of forgot about it. Out of sight, out of mind. Sometimes Id get the willies late at night and Id mention it to him. And hed say, Yeah yeah. Reflecting on it now, I dont think Abdul and his uncle were all that close. MARTIN: Wasnt anyone back in the old country saying anything?

27 LOUISE: His wifed call. Abdul would say, Hes in Detroit. Abdul likes Detroit. So whenever she called and it was me whod answer, Id say, Hes in Detroit. And shed say, Okay. Detroit was okay. For a while. But lately, thereve been a lot of phone calls. Different people. They wouldnt talk to me. They wanted Abdul or nobody. But Abdul wasnt taking phone calls anymore. Oh geez. MARTIN: I dont like this at all.

LOUISE: So last Friday, he shows up. MARTIN: But you said Abdul never comes in on Friday! LOUISE: Came this time. Early morning. Said he had a funeral arranged. So we put the body in the car. MARTIN: Dont you have to thaw it out first? LOUISE: How the heck would I know? Think Im a funeral director? Anyway, I didnt ask. Glad it was gone. Dead body behind the ice cream? Giving me the heebeejeebies. Later, Abdul calls. All agitated. Says the hands missing. Im thinking, it mustve snapped off while we were lugging Uncle Abdulla to the car. MARTIN: Oh yeah. Frozen solid. Itll snap right off. I read about a man in a cabin in Canada in a blizzard. He went outside to take a leak and. LOUISE: Anyway! I told him Id look. And hes screaming, Hurry! Please! And I said, Okay okay! Except, Id been snacking on hotdogs and chili all night. MARTIN: Oh yeah, I love that 7-Eleven chili.

28 LOUISE: And I kind of was doing the Aztec two-step? I know what you mean. MARTIN: Loosens you up.

LOUISE: And I always go next door to Burger King. MARTIN: See, I could never understand that about you. Eleven bathroom seems fine to me. You hit And man The 7-

LOUISE: dont see it like I do. Uncle Abdulla could never the mark. He was a sprayer. All over the place. after he bought the farm, I kept thinking, A dead took his dumps on this hopper. Yeah. MARTIN: Never thought of that.

Oh right.

LOUISE: They always got ten kids working at Burger King. Bathrooms immaculate. You could eat a whopper off the tile, its that clean. So I posted the Back in 15 minutes sign, went over there with the new Cosmo. I took a flashlight so I could hunt for the hand coming back. Im sitting there reading about Barbara Walters interviewing Paris Hilton when suddenly. Ka-Boom! Cops and firemen on the scene all night and all the next day. First chance I got to look for it was today. (Long silence. Then)

MARTIN: You dont think Abdul planted a bomb, do you? LOUISE: Marty, listen. Abduls the best. He wouldnt hurt me. Hes given me three raises in the last two years.

29 MARTIN: People change. On the one hand, you got this nice guy who gives you raises. On the other hand, you got a man who tosses his uncles body into the freezer without as much as a how do you do. LOUISE: I do admit, the freezer thing is a potential character flaw. You know, a funny thing? MARTIN: What? LOUISE: He was gonna have free hot dogs on Christmas Eve. MARTIN: Get out! LOUISE: Her idea. Pentecostals take Christmas real serious. MARTIN: Hot dogs on Christmas. I surely do like that concept. LOUISE: But it aint gonna happen. Too bad. MARTIN: Had my mouth set. He gonna rebuild?

LOUISE: Maybe, maybe not. What he is doing is learning Spanish. MARTIN: They speak Spanish in Mexico, dont they? Imagine they do. LOUISE: Abduls good at languages.

MARTIN: Speaks English bettern me. I heard him rip off influential and ornithologist like a spelling bee champ.

30 LOUISE: Face it. The mans in love. When youre in love, you already got one foot halfway out the door. MARTIN: And they could be halfway to Mexico by now. (Long silence. Then) Ever read of the pioneers? Folks who settled the west? LOUISE: Little. MARTIN: What I learned was, they kept moving. Theyd stop somewhere, work a piece of land. Then someone would come by on their way further out. And theyd get all antsy and move on. I guess they were scared theyd miss out. Theres that scared word. LOUISE: Bet they were never scared by a 7-Eleven blowing up. MARTIN: They had wild Indians and range wars and the Hole-InThe-Wall gang. Scared balances out. LOUISE: Well, theres no frontier anymore. Theres Alaska. Its all settled.

MARTIN: They call it, the last frontier.

LOUISE: I dont know anybody in Alaska. MARTIN: Who did you know when you came to Fargo? LOUISE: No one. MARTIN: Duh!

31 LOUISE: Maybe I should leave a note. MARTIN: No no no. No notes. LOUISE: But. But just saying Abduls still around and he comes back and doesnt see me. He might get worried. MARTIN: When he doesnt see you, hell say youre missing. LOUISE: They better have Lotto. I like to play a dollar a day. MARTIN: They got Mega Millions, Spinnits, CASHola, Pick 6, scratchers. They got oil money falling off the trees. Odds are easy. How about we play five dollars a day? LOUISE: So maybe I could be Lucky Louise up there. MARTIN: Or Lucky someone else. How about, while were driving up, we think up new names? LOUISE: Claudia. There was a girl at school and her name was Claudia. I like Claudia. (He starts to exit. He turns and beckons)

MARTIN: We got ten days to Christmas. Five days of hard driving, well be there. Should take a day or two to find work. Then itll be like any other year for you. Working at Christmas. And you know what itll say on your name tag? Hi, Im Claudia. Merry Christmas. (She takes the pouch and slings it as far as she can. Fade to black) End

32

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCH!

Cast of Characters Sondra SweetFemale,in her early 40s Duane ChampagneMale, in his 60s Laura LoveFemale, in her late 40s Synopsis A theatre owned by a Christmas Grinch is invaded by a troupe rehearsing Dickens' A Christmas Carol. And it isn't long before no one has the Christmas spirit.

(At Rise: A stage in an empty theatre. microphone on a stand)

SONDRA SWEET: (Strides to microphone. Big smile. A stopwatch in her hand. She counts silently, 1, 2, 3. Presses stopwatch) Hi everyone! Gosh, you all look great. What a great, great audience. Hey, its almost Christmas, isnt it? Everybody got their Christmas list written? Ready to hit the malls? Yeah? Yeah? Well, guess what? Im not. Fact is, holiday shopping torques me off bigtime. Not worth the aggravation. This year I decided to quit. Im gonna sit this puppy out. Im gonna get me a case of Southern Comfort and drink myself under the table. When I come back up for air, I want the Twelve Days of Christmas to be over and out. Hey, its not the gifts I got a problem with. Its the people. Theyre all so selfabsorbed, so touchy, so sensitive. Anything sets them off. My advice is, dont buy em anything. Anything you buy em, theyre gonna hate it anyway. Theyre gonna ask you for the receipt so they can take it back. Picky

33 SONDRA SWEET(Cont): bastards. Time was you could give them anything and it was fine. People were pleased as punch just to be on anyones Christmas list at all. It was an honor. A mark of distinction. Back then giving was emphasized. It was a less material age. You could giftwrap, say, a dried cow turd and put it under the tree and you would get a thank you. Guaranteed. Months later, theyd still be talking about it. Did I forget to thank you for the lovely Christmas turd? It was so thoughtful of you. William and I found so many uses for it. And we told all our friends. Those days will never come back. But you know, say what you will about Christmas, theres always the Christmas tree. And, girls, did you know, a Christmas tree is better than a man? Its true. I hear you saying, how can that be? Well, let me count the ways. First, a Christmas tree is always erect. Second, a Christmas tree looks good even with the lights on. It stays up for twelve days and twelve nights. And, it has cute balls. Thank you so very much. Youre a beautiful audience. Thank you. (Presses stopwatch button) Hmmm, not bad. Needs more work on the timing. Timing is everything. Hey! What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? Give up? Ornamental balls! Yesssss! (Enter LAURA LOVE and DUANE CHAMPAGNE in the aisle amongst the audience. DUANE wears a top hat and an old fashioned nightshirt) Yes? Whos there? Come out and show yourself! For your information, I am armed. To the teeth. So beware! Hello. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Hello up there. LAURA LOVE: Are we interrupting? SONDRA SWEET: I wish. LAURA LOVE: Were supposed to meet a Miss Sondra Sweet?

Excuse us.

34 SONDRA SWEET: Well, youre in luck today. Im a Miss Sondra Sweet. the only Miss Sondra Sweet in this neck of the woods. own this dump. LAURA LOVE: Oh no. Dont say dump. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: So intimate. Soso je ne sais Im I

Lovely little theater. quoi.

LAURA LOVE: We do like the props you have. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Indeed we do. SONDRA SWEET: Yeah? Well, thank you. I got this prop guru named Wendell. He comes in once a week to help set up the stage. Hes got lots of props. Whole mess of props. Works for beer and pussy. (Audible gasp from LAURA & DUANE) Ha ha. Thats a joke. Hey, you got a name, Sweetie? LAURA LOVE: Oh, forgive me. Im Laura Love? Director? Presbyterian Repertory? DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Were rehearsing Dickens A Christmas Carol. children of the parish. LAURA LOVE: Michael called you to reserve the stage? DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Wed like to do two hours rehearsal today if its - SONDRA SWEET: So whats his story? With the

For the

35 DUANE CHAMPAGNE: (Indicating his costume) Oh, my goodness, forgive us again. Im Duane Champagne. play Scrooge. SONDRA SWEET: Scrooge, huh? LAURA LOVE: Were so lucky to have Duane. Oh now now. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Stop it, Laura. Please.

LAURA LOVE: Hes very experienced. He's been Scrooge before. SONDRA SWEET: Been Scrooge before. No kidding? Hey, Duane! How many times you been Scrooge? Hey Duane! You like a kiss after you been Scrooge? Heyyyy, just kidding, Duane, OK? You know, I do comedy. I do standup. Really now? LAURA LOVE: Ive never met a real life comed - -

SONDRA SWEET: But Im so busy what with running the theater and then theres all my other commitments and oblig - LAURA LOVE: Oh yes, busy busy. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: We know what thats like. LAURA LOVE: With us its choir practice. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Prayer meetings. LAURA LOVE: So much activity and not enough time in the day. such a blur. Its all

36 DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Tick tock tick tock.

Time marches on.

SONDRA SWEET: I know what you mean. I get so many requests. I finally put my foot down. These days I only do intimate venues for discriminating audiences. Many call, but few are chosen. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Ah ha. SONDRA SWEET: Thats from the Bible, I think. LAURA LOVE: Oh yes. I dont read it. Verse. SONDRA SWEET: What? DUANE CHAMPAGNE: We dont say lines in the Bible. LAURA LOVE: We say verses. SONDRA SWEET: No shit. (Audible gasp from LAURA & DUANE) Personally, I think its a lot of hooey. Hooey? Yeah. LAURA LOVE: Did she say hooey? You know, hooey. SONDRA SWEET: Bullshit. SONDRA SWEET: A close friend gave me that line. LAURA LOVE:

(Long painful pause)

37 DUANE CHAMPAGNE: (Barely able to remain civil) I think we had best get started. LAURA LOVE: Yes, we better. SONDRA SWEET: Ready to start, are you? OK. You can use half the stage. LAURA LOVE: Half? DUANE CHAMPAGNE: But we need the whole - SONDRA SWEET: Didnt Michael explain? I said I had other things going on. I was very up front. The reason Im doing this at all is as a personal favor to Michael. And hey, because its Christmas. LAURA LOVE: I guess were missing something. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Who else needs to use the stage right now? SONDRA SWEET: Excuse me! Im rehearsing my Christmas bit. Im using stage right. LAURA LOVE: You cant hold off? DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Hold off for a couple of hours? SONDRA SWEET: Negative. Timing is everything in comedy. I hone my bits until they are letter perfect. Ill have you know my Christmas bits are legendary. By the way, do you have the fifty dollars? Right now.

Well.

38 LAURA LOVE & DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Fifty dollars? SONDRA SWEET: Yeah. I charge twenty five per. I told Michael. Twenty five per is industry standard. On the low end, actually. And I said cash. Cash on the barrel. Up front. LAURA LOVE: (Stage whisper. SONDRA cocks an ear) We cant rehearse at the church. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: (Stage whisper to Laura) Theyve four funerals and a wedding today. LAURA LOVE: This is ridiculous. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Well. LAURA LOVE: Well? DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Well, I have a twenty. LAURA LOVE: I have only three ones, but that was for lunch. SONDRA SWEET: Give it here. You can owe me the other twenty eight. OK. Good. Stage left is all yours. For two hours. And dont touch the microphone. Now I gotta go do something. Be back in a sec. (SONDRA SWEET exits) DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Thia is insane. LAURA LOVE: Im sorry.

No.

Not your fault. and money.

39 DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Horrid woman. All she talks about is sex

LAURA LOVE: Lets try making the best of it. Youre right. Half the stage. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Can you believe it? Shes not even using it. LAURA LOVE: She left. Ill bet she drinks. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Lets just block her out. LAURA LOVE:

DUANE CHAMPAGNE: No doubt she does. And this. This is so undignified! (SONDRA SWEET re-enters with bottle in paper sack from which she takes sips) Oh, hello there, Miss Sweet. Hey, dont mind me. SONDRA SWEET: Just go on doing what youre doing.

(DUANE & LAURA exchange a meaningful glance) Right, Laura. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Lets get on with it.

LAURA LOVE: All right. Page 24. We start with the scene in the Cratchit house. The Cratchit family is celebrating Christmas. The Ghost of Christmas Present has brought you here to show you the true meaning of Christmas. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: I got it. Im ready. You read LAURA LOVE: Ill read Bob Cratchit, Tiny Tim and the Ghost. the Scrooge lines.

40 (LAURA starts reading) Bob: A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears. us! Tiny Tim: God bless us every one! DUANE CHAMPAGNE: "Spirit, tell me if Tiny Tim will live." LAURA LOVE: Ghost: I see a vacant seat in the chimney-corner. And a crutch without an owner. If these shadows remain unaltered by the future, the child will die. "No, no. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Oh, no, kind Spirit! Say he will be spared." God bless

LAURA LOVE: Ghost: If these shadows remain unaltered by the future, none other will find him here. What then? If he be like to die, he had better do it quick. As the Ghost speaks those words, you are visibly overcome with grief and penitence. Then we go to blackout. Blackout? DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Why a blackout?

LAURA LOVE: It's a good place for one. The first time you express compassion. Its a pregnant moment. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: But. But I wouldnt put a blackout there. I would have a very tight light on me pondering and reflecting. I'll think about it. LAURA LOVE: Lets do another scene, shall we?

DUANE CHAMPAGNE: (Visibly unhappy at her response) Whatever. LAURA LOVE: Page 67, please. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Fine. Page 67.

41 LAURA LOVE: You wake up. The third ghost has come and gone. You feel wonderful. Filled with Christmas joy. Your only fear is that you may have missed Christmas. You throw open the window. You see a small boy in the street below. Ok. Go! DUANE CHAMPAGNE: "I dont know what day of the month it is! I dont know how long Ive been among the Spirits. I dont know anything. Hello there, young man! Whats today?" LAURA LOVE: "What did you say, sir?" DUANE CHAMPAGNE: "Whats today, my fine young fellow?" "Today! LAURA LOVE: Why, Christmas Day, sir. Its Christmas!"

DUANE CHAMPAGNE: "Its Christmas Day! I havent missed it. The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can. Of course they can. Here, my fine young fellow! Here is a shilling for you! Merry Christmas to you! Merry Christmas to everybody!" LAURA LOVE: Duane. You need to punch those words. Remember. Youre on a total Christmas high. Youve gone through a major personality transformation. Suddenly, you love all mankind. You want to explode with love. Give me an explosion. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: I thought I was perfect. This is the way Ive done it for years. SONDRA SWEET: I thought he sucked. LAURA LOVE: Please, Ms Sweet. Duane. I need more love. Christmas cheer. Punch the words. More

42 DUANE CHAMPAGNE: I do not suck. LAURA LOVE: I didnt say you sudidnt say you were bad, Duane. just. She said I sucked! Ms Sweet. Excuse me. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Nobody says that to me! Nobody! I

LAURA LOVE: You are interfering with my work. SONDRA SWEET: I thought I was giving honest feedback. LAURA LOVE:

Duane does not suck. SONDRA SWEET: I was just putting into words what you were thinking. Plain as day on your face. You? Duane! So! You too? Stop it. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: You think I suck? Is that what you think? LAURA LOVE: Stop it right now! DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Mata Hari! The truth finally comes out!

Backstabber!

Duane!

LAURA LOVE: You get back to your place. DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Duane Champagne is Scrooge! And Duane does

I am Scrooge! not suck! Duane!

LAURA LOVE: Youre acting like a small child!

DUANE CHAMPAGNE: Dont psychoanalyze me, youyou!

43 LAURA LOVE: Youre such an ass! DUANE CHAMPAGNE: (Slams top hat to floor) Duane quits! Duane is leaving!

Oh, my god!

Thats it.

SONDRA SWEET: Well, he sure punched those words. (DUANE exits) LAURA LOVE: Duane! Wait! You are a horrible, horrible woman! I hope you choke on your turkey. I hope Santa gives you a big lump of coal. (LAURA exits) SONDRA SWEET: Yeah, Merry Christmas, bitch. (SONDRA picks up top hat. Carries it in her hand. Goes to microphone) Hey, girls. Christmas is just around the corner. I got a great gift idea for that man in your life. Buying gifts for a man is so easy. Remember this. You cant go wrong with a cordless drill. Doesnt matter if he already has one. One guy I know has seventeen. A man can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. (She puts hat on) Andyou knowwhat with all the gift-giving and parties, isnt it true we sometimes forget about the true meaning of Christmas. Peace on earth? Giving to the less fortunate? Birth of Jesus? (Removes hat. Gives it a strange look) Naaaahhhhh. Speaking of Jesus. Three wise men arrive to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was kinda tall, bumped his head going through the low doorway. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary. It sure beats Clyde!" Thank you. Thank you very much. Youre all beautiful. I love you. END

44

CHRISTMAS TRUCE

Cast of Characters SolomonIn his 50s ClarissaIn her 50s TrevorMan UrsulaWoman

Synopsis: Think of George and Martha from Albee's "Virgina Woolf" and you'll have a fair idea of the yuletide lunacy in this short play.

(At rise: 9am. Inside costume shop. Dark. Sound of door opening, closing. Footsteps. Lights on. Big sign COSTUMES BY SOLOMON & CLARISSA Prop display on wall: pistols, swords, knives, movie posters. CLARISSA enters) CLARISSA: (Bangs shin on sturdy piece of furniture) Owww! Oh God! God! God! Owww! Oh God, that hurts! (Crouches holding her shin) Oh God oh God ow ow ow ow ow ow it hurts! SOLOMON: (Offstage, singing loudly) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh on the third day of Christmas My true love gave to me Three french hens, Two Oh darn it Sol! CLARISSA: Oh oh oh oh oh ow.

45
SOLOMON: (Offstage, sound coming closer) TURTLE DOVES! And a partridge in a pear tree. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh on the fourth day of Christmas My true love gave to me: Four calling birds, three CLARISSA: SOL! GET IN HERE! PLEEEEEEASE! He doesnt care. I tell you, he does not care. (Takes knife from prop display, holds it to throat. She is surprisingly spry despite her injury) Santas elves could be raping me right here with a knife to my throat and he would not care. (SOLOMON enters) SOLOMON: (Singing) THREE FRENCH HENS! Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear treeeeeeeeee. TA DAAAAAAA! (Sees CLARISSA, big smile, turns his back on her, proceeds to pour himself a drink from a bottle on a convenient stand) Clarissa dearest. I see youve switched to your distressed damsel mode. And for once with something besides a drink in your hand. Sol, please. Look. CLARISSA: My poor leg. Look at me.

SOLOMON: Ah yes, the unwelcome chestnut, having made its annual circuit about the zodiac, reappearing like a bad penny. The I hurt my leg, Solomon, youll have to press on without me bit. Where have I heard that before? Wasnt it last Christmas? Why yes, I believe it was. And back it is again just in time for the Nutcracker fittings. Yes, yes Clarissa. Im looking. Im looking. CLARISSA: Over here, Sol, Im over here. It really hurts. This time, its for real. My poor leg. Youre not looking. He never looks. SOLOMON: (Vacates space where bottle is, stares into his drink) Its shin, dear. Girls from respectable families say shin. CLARISSA: I can barely walk, Sol.

46
SOLOMON: Did you hear me? The cast of the Nutcracker will be here today for their costume fittings. And there you are, doing your shin thing again. Leaving me to deal alone with a pack of smelly pimply thespians. I tell you, Id rather die. In fact, Id kill (Grabs sword from prop display, blade to throat, declaims) myself, except for the dread of something after death, the undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveller returns (CLARISSA returns knife to prop display, limps to whiskey bottle, exaggerating her injury, pours a drink) Sol, please. Were a team. CLARISSA: Were supposed to help each other.

SOLOMON: (Removing sword from throat) Its a tad early, isnt it, to be playing the Were a team card? Which you customarily save for the third drink of the morn. CLARISSA: Can we not say even two kind words one to another without - SOLOMON: (Returns the sword to prop display) You always start it. Always when theres serious work to be done. Im delicate, dearest. CLARISSA: Mother told you I was delicate.

SOLOMON: Your mother said slim-hipped. She didnt say you were a fragile flower crying out for lebensraum in a garden of stinkweeds. CLARISSA: You see? There you go again. Dripping with bile. propose a Christmas truce? A truce. Exactly. Hmmm. SOLOMON: You mean like the Medieval kings? May I

CLARISSA: From now through the twelve days of Christmas. SOLOMON: What's in it for me?

A novel concept.

47
Oh please! CLARISSA: What happened to the soul of the artist I married? SOLOMON: What's in it for you?

All right then.

CLARISSA: I'll not dignify that with an answer. It would mean no whining. It would mean no sarcasm. No shirking or slacking. SOLOMON: SOLOMON: CLARISSA:

CLARISSA: Nothing but sweetness and light. Done! Done! (They shake hands. Lights out. Time passes. Lights up. SOLOMON & CLARISSA are busy fitting TREVOR for a costume. They stand facing each other with TREVOR between them. Fabric hangs loosely from him as they fiddle with needles, pins, scissors and thread) Lovely fabric, my pet. SOLOMON: Youve vastly outdone yourself. SOLOMON: CLARISSA:

CLARISSA: Why thank you, dearest Solomon. So kind of you to notice. SOLOMON: (To TREVOR) Shes quite the expert, you know. Incredible demand on her time. She has several patents pending sure to blow the lid off the masquerade ball as we know it. Consider yourself fortunate she could see you at all.

48
(Impressed) Indeed? TREVOR:

CLARISSA: Oh Solomon, stop it. (To TREVOR) Im not all those things. Im just a simple seamstress. I belong to the Guild. I read the monthly bulletin. Nuff said. (Disappointed) Indeed. TREVOR:

SOLOMON: Her expertise is exceeded only by her humility. (Steps back and for a long moment critically regards TREVOR who becomes visibly nervous. CLARISSA blithely continues doing fitting tasks as SOLOMON does this. Then) Hmmmmm. Ah, Clarissa dear, may I make a small observation? Of course, Solomon. CLARISSA: Each word from you is a pearl of wisdom.

SOLOMON: Theres something about the width of the shoulders. CLARISSA: The width of the shoulders, did you say? SOLOMON: Yes. In my view, I think you may have cut the fabric a bit too narrow. CLARISSA: Well, goodness gracious sakes alive, I dont see how I could. Look at the head, dearest. the head. Very well. I shall. SOLOMON: Walk off ten paces and regard CLARISSA: (CLARISSA walks to where SOLOMON stands. She critically regards TREVOR who becomes increasingly nervous) SOLOMON: You see what I mean?

49
Oh yes. I say. Now I see. CLARISSA: My Lord! Thats not good. Not good at all.

TREVOR: Is something seriously wrong?

SOLOMON: To me, it seems disproportionately large. Mmmmm yes. CLARISSA:

TREVOR: Just what the deuce is going on? SOLOMON: From my perspective, it could only be that way if the shoulders of the costume were cut too narrow. CLARISSA: A good point, sweetest Solomon. But I do believe Ive discovered the trouble spot in a different sphere. Ah! SOLOMON:

CLARISSA: Based on an alternate theory. SOLOMON: Indeed, an alternate theory. Well, Im all of a-twitter. share your discovery, so all and sundry may benefit. Excuse me! What am I? TREVOR: A potted plant? Do

CLARISSA: The problem, put briefly, is the head. The head. My head? SOLOMON: TREVOR:

50
CLARISSA: The fabric on the shoulders was not cut too narrow. Not to put too fine a point on it, but it was cut rather too perfectly. The issue is - Oh my yes. SOLOMON: Youre too too right, my dear. TREVOR: CLARISSA: Its like a pumpkin. Like a cabbage. SOLOMON: It is the head!

Whats wrong with my head?

TREVOR: Nothing is wrong with my head. Its a normal head. His mum and dad. SOLOMON:

CLARISSA: Must have been hideously deformed. SOLOMON: His childhood must have been miserable. TREVOR: My parents were lovely people. I was a very happy child. a teddy bear and a dog. SOLOMON: I believe weve gone as far as we can go with this. What? I agree. This. TREVOR: CLARISSA: I agree absolutely. TREVOR: SOLOMON: Under the circumstances. I had

This person.

This is an outrage!

51
CLARISSA: Taking all aspects into consideration. SOLOMON: All things being equal. You people are insane! An absolute no-hoper. A dud. Turkey?? CLARISSA: Best stop now and proceed to the next client. SOLOMON: Cut our losses, as it were. Oh, losses it will be! Lunch, my dear? Italian? Stop! CLARISSA: TREVOR: For you! This isnt the end of this! SOLOMON: A turkey. SOLOMON: TREVOR: TREVOR: CLARISSA:

TREVOR: You stop right there and hear me out! SOLOMON:

What about Sicilian?

(SOLOMON & CLARISSA start to exit. As they do, loose fabric starts to slide off TREVORS body, exposing his bare buttocks) TREVOR: You two will be hearing from my attorney! Tuscany. CLARISSA: What about Tuscan cuisine?

52
Calabrian. Calabrian! SOLOMON: CLARISSA: Of course, Calabrian! Solomon, you are the genius.

(They exit) TREVOR: (Holding the fabric up with difficulty, covering himself) Theres nothing amiss with my head. And theyre wrong, I was a happy child. My parents loved me. Especially my mum. And my grandparents loved me too. At Christmas, they gave me wonderful gifts. Mummys parents gave me bigger gifts than my daddys parents. And Id say, daddy, why do Mummys dad and mom give me bigger gifts? And daddy would get angry and make Mummy sleep in the garage and then hed go and get his rifle and kill squirrels and I would hide in the doghouse with Ruff until the police came. (Turns to exit. Fabric falls again exposing part of his bare buttocks) Oh, for Gods sake! (TREVOR exits. Lights out. Time passes. Lights up. SOLOMON & CLARISSA are busy fitting URSULA for a costume. They stand facing each other with URSULA between them. Fabric hangs loosely from her as they fiddle with needles, pins, scissors and thread) CLARISSA: (To URSULA in a commanding voice) so the key, you see, to Victorian style is the corset. corset is the sine qua non of the Victorian era.

The

URSULA: Oh yeah, corsets are kewl. My boyfriend Siegfried really digs corsets. He likes stilettos too. But the director said no stils in Nutcracker. The bitch! SOLOMON: The corset? Are you quite certain its the corset, Clarissa? It was always my understanding that the (Touches URSULAS arms rather too familiarly. URSULA gives him a not unfriendly glance, moving her breast close to his hand) gathered sleeves were the signifying mark of the Victorian era. URSULA: Oh wow, that feels like ahhh ohhhhhhhh.

53
CLARISSA: (Forcefully removing SOLOMONs hand from URSULAs arm) No, Solomon. I think not. But. SOLOMON: But Im certain I read it somewhere. (SOLOMON touches URSULAs buttocks) URSULA: Ohhhhhhhhh godddddddddd yessssssss! fingers just goosed me. Read? Somebody with really big

CLARISSA: You? Youre joking, of course. You read nothing but (Tightens grip on URSULAs arm, holds stick pin in free hand) comic books and novels by Anonymous. URSULA: Hey, owww! (To SOLOMON) She stabbed me! Stand still, please. OWWW! CLARISSA: URSULA: (Jerks her arm away from CLARISSA. Moves behind SOLOMON and uses him as a shield. As the fabric covering her body starts fall away, she uses her hands to hold it up) Shes crazy. Shes trying to kill me! Make that bitch stop. CLARISSA: (Tries to get by SOLOMON, brandishes a pair of scissors) Oh, Ill stop. When I cut her arms off at the shoulder. (Rather enjoying it) Ladies! Ladies, please! SOLOMON:

(URSULA pushes SOLOMON into CLARISSA and turns and runs for the door. CLARISSA ducks past SOLOMON and chases her. URSULA trips on the loose fabric and falls next to the stage prop wall display. CLARISSA grabs a pistol prop from the display, fires several loud blanks at the ceiling and points it at

54 URSULA. URSULA looks down and sees that a second pistol prop has fallen on the floor near her hand. She looks at the pistol prop and then up at CLARISSA, then again at the pistol prop. She reaches her hand out to it. CLARISSA cocks her pistol prop. Ursula stops.)
CLARISSA: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, did she fire six shots or five? (URSULA gasps) Now, to be perfectly candid, I myself have no clear recollection due to the cacophonous nature of the proceedings. However, owing to the fact this is a .44 Magnum, a weapon which has the capability of decapitation in a nanosecond, it behooves one to query oneself thusly: do I feel lucky? Well, do you? Shes crazy. shrinks. URSULA: This womans loony! Call the cops. Call the

CLARISSA: Dont ever call me crazy! I am not insane! (Aims the pistol prop at her head) Well, go ahead, girl. Make my day. SOLOMON: (Walks between them. Takes the pistol prop from CLARISSA) There. I trust this defuses the situation. (Points pistol prop in air. Squeezes trigger. It goes click and a BANG flag comes out) As a point of information, Clarissa is not uh. Loony. In fact, she has a certificate from an asylum, attesting to the fact that she is sane. In other words, they wouldnt take her. All right. You may leave. URSULA: What? Get out of here! SOLOMON:

(URSULA gets up, trips over the loose fabic, finally makes it to the exit, exits) Well, that was invigorating. break? SOLOMON: Isnt it time for our afternoon

55
CLARISSA: I daresay it is, dearest. SOLOMON: Sprite or Seven Up, my sweet? CLARISSA: Seven Up. Always Seven Up. Goes perfectly with Seven Crowns. SOLOMON: The truce appears to be holding. Marvelous idea, dearest. CLARISSA: It takes two to make a truce. Half the credit goes to you. Well, thank you, dear. Yes, it is that. SOLOMON: And after all, it is Christmas.

CLARISSA: Comes but once a year. SOLOMON:

Thank God for that! (Blackout)

End

56

THANK YOU

Cast of Characters JoanFemale, age mid 20s ToniFemale, age early 20s Synopsis It is Christmas Eve and Joan and Toni are about to have their Commitment Ceremony. But first, some unfinished business. Technical Requirements A sofa, a chair, 2 doors, sound-effect of a Christmas party in next room.

(Inside a room. Sounds of a Christmas party in the next room. Two doors. One door leads to party. The other leads to a bathroom. JOAN paces, drink in her hand. She sips nervously, glances at watch) JOAN: Toni. Come on. Please, Toni. Please dont be late. Please dont be late for this. Toni, come on. I need you, Toni. Come on, Toni. Toni, walk through that door. Now. (Sends telepathic message to door) Door opens. Toni enters. Joan sighs. (Snaps finger, sees nothing has changed) Darn! (Sits, takes out cellphone) Love stinks. Sometimes. (Dials. Listens) Toni, where are you? Toni, please pick up. People are waiting. Im waiting. Mitch is waiting. No, darn you! I. I will not leave a message!

57 (Door opens, laughing voices, clinking glasses. Enter TONI, dressed Goth/Industrial, with drink in hand) TONI: Theyre serving cuba libres out there.1 JOAN: Well, hi stranger. TONI: So. You were trying to call me? JOAN: Yes. TONI: Lost my phone. JOAN: Lost your phone? Yeah. How? TONI: It was there one minute and. (Drains glass) Dog ate it, I guess. (Laughs at joke. Holds up empty glass) Oh oh. Empty. Gotta go refresh. Dunno. JOAN: Toni. TONI: Yeah?
(pronounced "KOO-buh-LEE-bray") contains 2 to 3 ounces of cola, the juice and hull of one lime, 1 ounce rum, half an ounce of gin, and two dashes of bitters.
1

Gonzo.

TONI: Like into thin air. JOAN:

58 JOAN: (Indicating TONIs glass) No more after this. TONI: Yeah. Right. JOAN: No more after this one. You know

I mean it, Toni. how you.

TONI: Listen, I dont need this from you. I work fucking hard. Between Jerry Bonneau and that weasel Simon riding my ass, I earned me some R & R. Now back off. JOAN: I know you work har. TONI: No, you dont. And dont say you do when you dont. And dont gimme no speech. Its Christmas. Its okay at Christmas. Im just one of Santas fucking elves. Just waiting for the sleigh to pass by so I can jump on. Whats the matter? Never seen a fucking elf? Okay. Sure. Go. JOAN: Go refresh. TONI: Fucking A. (Opens door, laughing voices, clinking glasses. TONI exits) JOAN: (Walks to an imaginary mirror. Mimes brushing her hair) We get one supremely magic night and we spend the remainder of our days trying to resurrect it. A part of us says, forget it, the effort is futile, while another part thinks our case might be the unique one. The exception to the rule. So we keep on keeping on, hoping against hope. Thats how it is with magic. Even so, you could have said something. It wouldnt

59 JOAN(Cont): have cost you to say something. I wish you had. It hurt you didnt notice I bought a pretty cocktail dress. And a pretty pair of heels. I recall I was dressed like this the night we. (Trails off. A short silence while she collects her thoughts) I so want things to be perfect tonight. I so want you to be proud. Why did you say nothing? (Door opens, laughing voices, clinking glasses. TONI re-enters carrying two drinks) TONI: (Holds one drink out to JOAN) Got you a fresh Shirley Temple. (Takes it. Thank you. TONI: (Holds her drink in front of her close to her. Covers top of glass with her hand) Im sorry. JOAN: Its okay. TONI: No. Its not okay. Look, Ill just kind of nurse this one along. Okay? JOAN: Okay. Nurse. from. TONI: Nursing a drink. I wonder where that came JOAN: I dont know. JOAN: Sips)

Look uh.

60 TONI: Youre the word person. You know the meanings of all the words. Why people say what they say. I just thought you might know. JOAN: No. Sorry. TONI: (Takes sip) Bogart said the worlds always three drinks behind. Did you know that? JOAN: No. (Silence. Im thinking. Yeah. JOAN: Thinking about New York. TONI: Yeah, think. Hey, I got one. we think, we are? JOAN: Did you hear me? TONI: Yeah. You said New York bla bla. And I said, who said, what we think, we are? bla bla JOAN: Im thinking about going back to New York. TONI: Guess. JOAN: I dont want to guess. Think. Who said, What Then) TONI:

61 TONI: I said guess. JOAN: No. TONI: Dammit, who said, What we think, we are? Oh for Gods sake. Which Kennedy? I dont know! I heard. JOAN: Toni, Im going to New. TONI: Were not going to New York! JOAN: No, Im going. TONI: No, youre not. JOAN: Why are you saying no? You dont want me. TONI: This is how it starts. When she wants to mix it up, she starts with the you dont want me. JOAN: Youre dressed like were going to a Goth club. You cant touch me without getting drunk. I bore you. TONI: And then she says bored. She doesnt know bored. I know bored. You want bored? Heres bored. Trivial Pursuit. Disco. Sushi. Thats bored. Everything else is a fucking huge galactic extravaganza, so awesome it makes me come just thinking about it. JOAN: Kennedy. TONI:

Three times.

62 JOAN: I dreamt I was in a cage. And you were watching me. I said, Toni, touch me and you looked away. TONI: Then she trots out the dreams and the psychic shit. touch her. Sometimes I touch her. See? (Touches JOANs arm. She jerks her arm away) Youre not going. JOAN: Yes. No. I am. TONI: Case closed. JOAN: You wont stop me. TONI: Buddha! JOAN: I mean it. TONI: It was Buddha! JOAN: This is dying. This thing. This thing we have. dying. Im dying. Youre dying. Were dying. Its I

TONI: Look at me. Do I look like Im dying? It was Buddha. Buddha said, What we think, we are. Now Buddhas a stupid fat fuck. A stupid fat fuck who sits and jacks off. Look how he sits. Crosslegged on the floor. With that shit-eating grin. Thats the jackoff position. But every so often, the fat boy comes up with a gem. Something simple. Something clean. What we think, we are. (Takes a sip. Sees her glass is half-full) Hey, guess what? I think Im a drink. Im gonna have them kind of top me off. You okay with that?

63 (Starts to exit) Please, Toni. JOAN: Please dont upset Mitch.

TONI: Brother Mitch can bite me. (TONI opens door, laughing voices, clinking glasses. TONI exits) JOAN: (Walks to imaginary mirror. Takes out handkerchief and dabs her makeup) I went to see Mitch last week. I didnt tell you. I wanted to see how we stood. Hes not like you say, Toni. Hes nice, hes a gentleman, he makes you feel important when hes talking to you. And he listens. I like that. He said, thank you, Joan. I was taken aback! Thank you? Thank you for what? Thank you, he said, for bringing some sanity to my sisters life. Thank you. Wow! That was a shocker. Its been a while since anyone said thank you to poor Joannie. (Door opens, laughing voices, clinking glasses. TONI enters carrying two drinks) See? Still sober. TONI: Got you a fresh Shirley Temple.

JOAN: I just dont want you being sick. TONI: Dont start on me, Joan. Mitch says we go in ten. JOAN: No. Okay, fine. No. TONI: Make it twenty minutes. JOAN:

64 TONI: What do you mean, no? JOAN: I mean. TONI: No way youre standing me up with Mitch out there. That dickhead would ride me till my dying day. Toni. Toni, please. JOAN: Lets just.

TONI: No! Were gonna do this. No is not an option. Youre gonna back me up. Remember, youre on my side. (Drinks half her glass) Were gonna go out, hand in hand, just like we said. Im gonna look at you and smile and say bla-bla-bla. JOAN: (Starts slowly backing toward the bathroom) No. TONI: (Advancing toward her, hand outstretched) Youre gonna smile and flutter your eyelashes. JOAN: (Backing away) No. TONI: (Advancing) Yes. Mitch is gonna grin from ear to ear. All the guestie-guests are gonna go, awwww, aint that sweet? JOAN: (Backing away) No. TONI: Yes. (Advancing) Now come on, lets do it. Lets roll.

Yes.

65 JOAN: (slips inside bathroom) No. TONI: Hey come on. Dont do this to me. (JOAN closes bathroom door. Locks it) Oh shit, she did it. (Knocks on door) Joan. Come on. Come on out. Joan, please, we got to do this thing. We got to do this thing right now. Mitch is getting everybody ready. We gotta be there. Cause this is for us. They cant have it without us. So please come on out. (Pounds on door) Damn it, Joan! You cant leave me alone and naked! You get your ass out here and stand by me. (Silence, then) We have good times. Sometimes we do. Good times. Fun times. Maybe not like we used to. But. Well. Right now theres this one thing. She wants me to go to meetings. She wont go. Says Im the one with the problem. So I have to go. Well, they. They want you to go together to these things. Someones gonna say, wheres your mate? And see, Id have to invent something. Well, Im not going to do that. I dont make up stories. Thats not my way. (Knocks softly on bathroom door) Uh look, Im sorry. Sorry Im a bit drunk. Sorry I rained on your parade. I know, I know. Dont have to say it. Im like one of those jerks who dances with his wife maybe once every ten years and has to be shitfaced to do it. Im clumsy, awkward. I fall over stuff. I dont know how to act. Sure, I admit it. Like a bull in a China shop. All thumbs? Yeah, thats me. A stumbler? A bumbler? You got my number. But you gotta remember, Joan. You picked me. Out of all the women you could have picked, you picked Toni. And, let me tell you, I want to thank you. I know I dont show it so good, but I want you to know its an honor to be with you. To know people are saying, You see her? Thats Toni. Her and that Joan chick got a thing going. They all talk about how Joan is so cool, so reserved, so controlled. And I have to tell

66 TONI(Cont): you it drives me a little crazy sometimes. Like I dont know how to act around you. Im like the noise and the racket on the the edge of your calm. I need your calm. I need you touching me so I know its okay. I need some rules so I dont act stupid. I dont need someone to stand back and watch me fall on my face and say, Just look at her. Thats Toni, that dumb bitch. Im scared, Joan. I need you. I need you with me. I need you next to me. I need you now. (Door opens. Say. JOAN enters)

JOAN: Youre Toni, arent you? TONI: Im Toni.

Yeah, thats me.

JOAN: Dont you and this Joan chick have something going? Yeah, we sure do. TONI: Shes some gem.

JOAN: I heard you two are doing the thing tonight. TONI: You heard that? JOAN: Everyones heard. Talk of the town. commitments are special. Yeah. TONI: That was Joans idea. Christmas Eve

Shes smart that way.

JOAN: She must be. I just had to come. I hope Im not late. TONI: (Offering arm) Youre right on time. Its just about to start. Ill escort you in. Youll get the best seat in the house.

67 JOAN: (Takes arm) Thank you. TONI: Oh, say. JOAN: Yes? Thats a nice dress. Thank you. (They walk together arm in arm. End Blackout) TONI: Nice shoes too. JOAN: Real classy.

68

MINA, YOUVE A CUSTOMER UP FRONT

Cast of Characters Manager Male, 40-something Mina1 Female, 50ish Mina2 Female, early 20s Synopsis Think of Are You Being Served? meeting The Twilight Zone and youll have a rough idea of this play.

(Inside a womens clothing store decorated for Christmas. Christmas music plays on the PA system.) MANAGER: Youre late. Christmas shopping. Always an excuse. activity. So Im sorry. MINA1: Got a life too, you know. MANAGER: Always some vaguely-defined outside

MINA1: So dock my pay.

MANAGER: You always say youre sor - Hey! MINA1: Said I was sorry. OK?

69 MANAGER: As if that somehow absolves you from - VOICE ON PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM: Mina, youve a customer up front. (She pretends she didnt hear) MANAGER: Well, what are you waiting for? A gilt invitation? You have a customer. Get on up there. (MINA1 exits, grumbling. MINA2 enters, all perky and vivacious, wearing athletic shoes and a backpack. She carries a lunch bag) MINA2: Excuse me, Mister Zahigian, sir? MANAGER: Good Lord, you know my name! Are you a process server? An assassin? An assassin? No! MINA2: No, sir. Im Mina? From the agency?

MANAGER: Ah, Mina from the agency. So. The agencyy. Tell me, Mina, did the agency suggest you be five minutes late? MINA2: Sir, I had trouble finding a parking and - MANAGER: Always something innocuous like parking. Whats wrong with people? Do you think Joseph said, Sorry, Mary. Cant stay at the Inn. Parking lot's jammed. Where would Christmas be if that had occurred? Suffice to say J & M applied a little teamwork and toughed it out. No whining. No weaseling. No excuses. Henceforth, I expect to see you in here early, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Christmas is the time of the big push. Forty percent of our profits are made right now. And late is not a word youll find in the lexicon of a cutting-edge enterprise like mine, no sirree.

70 MINA2: Sorry, sir. MANAGER: Everyones always sorry. The world slouches blindly along on a blanket apology. I hope the agency didnt say it was permissible to wear tennis shoes on the sales floor. MINA2: Oh no, sir. I have my nice things in my backpack. And I brought my lunch. MANAGER: Ah. Lunch. Lunch is another of my pet bugaboos. Thirty minutes. No more. No less. Alright. Heres your nametag. (Writes on it with a magic marker) Mina in nice bold block lettering. Now go. Go change into your nice things. And hurry right back. Time is tick tick ticking away. MINA2: Yes, sir. (She exits in a rush) MANAGER: (Calling after her) Be back in five minutes. Remember. minutes, not six. (Enter MINA1) MANAGER: Well? MINA1: Well. MANAGER: What about your customer?

I said five

71 MINA1: They say theyre gonna think about it. Think? Oh jeez. MANAGER: Whatever do they have to think about? Come on. MINA1: Gimme a break.

MANAGER: Five days until Christmas. They have cookies to bake, trees to decorate, carols to sing. Theres no time to think. Thinking is unacceptable. Look. less. MINA1: They said Ann Taylor has it for ten dollars They want to see if - -

MANAGER: Now that is incorrect. Ann Taylor does not have it. MINA1: So Im sposed to call them a pack of liars? MANAGER: Ann Taylor has a cheap knockoff made in a Chinese prison. Imagine if you will, Chinese rapists and pedophiles fondling it, sniffing it, rubbing their bodies against it until it - MINAI: You are grossing me out! MANAGER: Imagine Chinese rapists leaving phone numbers and email addresses on scraps of paper in the pockets. Did you tell them that? MINA1: I sure as heck did not. MANAGER: Well, go back and tell them.

72 Too late. MINA1: Theyre gone, thank God.

MANAGER: Oh bless you, bless you, bless you for making the Chinese pedophiles Christmas so merry. Noel! Noel! Thanks to you, theyre dancing a lively jig round the Yuletide tree at Red Star Prison Number Six. MINA1: (Walking away, hands over ears) Im not hearing this. Im not hearing this. Im not hearing this. Not hearing this. Not hearing this. (MINA1 exits) MANAGER: (Calling after her) Look at me. Behold my sad visage and answer me this. What have you done for my Christmas? Where is the yuletide joy at my hearth and home? Mind you, Im not greedy. Just a taste is all I ask. Consider my poor children. Little Aram with his runny nose, and little Norma with her pigeon toes, staring up at me, tears welling up in their trusting Tiny Tim eyes, Daddy, why a lump of coal in our stockings hung by the chimney with care? And I tell them, as I must, My dear children. This pains me to no end. Christmas is a sham and a flimflam. A cynical manipulation of market forces. Santa reduced to shilling for the multinationals. His elves, unindicted co-conspirators in a series of dot com scams. Its a vicious world out there, my dear ones. Its feast or famine, boom or bust. A single roll of the dice. This year, a lump of coal was the best your poor father could do. Yes, I see your tears. I feel your pain. If your little hearts sink under the weight of this manifest betrayal and deceit, look to NAFTA, globalization, Chinese prison labor and a salesperson named Mina for redress. (He sighs, shakes his head. The PA system plays a song. He hums along. He writes in his journal. Time passes. MINA2 enters, looking very professional in a neat navy blue pantsuit. She smiles)

73 VOICE ON PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM: Mina, youve a customer up front. (MINA2 starts to exit as MINA1 enters from the opposite side) MINA1: (Enters. Points at MINA2) Who the hell was that? MANAGER: Who was who? MINA1: Her. (MINA2 exits) MANAGER: Oh, yes, her. Well. The agency sent her. to help us pick up the slack. Slack? Theres slack? Shes here

MINA1: I dont see any slack.

(Enter MINA2 with a check & 2 pieces of ID) Excuse me, sir. MINA2: Do we take personal checks?

MANAGER: Do we take personal checks, she asks. We most certainly do. We take them with a hip hip hooray, tripping the light fantastic, as we scrutinize two pieces of ID, at least one of which must be pictorial. MINA2: (Handing him the items) Yes sir. I got her drivers license and American Express card for you.

74 MANAGER: (Scrutinizing the items) Superior work. Youre doing a fine job picking up the slack. I perceive youre an exceptionally experienced retail professional. Thank you, sir. MINA2: I worked at Ann Taylor before - -

MANAGER: (Pretending to sound impressed) Ann Taylor. Really. MINA1: What about the report of Ann Taylor using Chinese prison labor to undersell the competition? MINA2: (Gives MINA1 a who the hell are you? look) I didnt hear that one. I heard a lot of their nice stuff is from Pakistan or Zambia or Guatemala. They played a video at orientation. MANAGER: (Initials check. Hands it back to MINA2) Pakistan. Zambia. Guatemala. China. All the same. One vast conspiracy to cause food to vanish from my table. Thank you, Mina. Now please see to the needs (Gives MINA1 a meaningful look) of your cash-paying, no-need-to-think-about-it customer. (MINA2 exits triumphantly) MINA1: You called her Mina. Yes, I surely did. picking up slack? Minas my name. MANAGER: And isnt she an absolute gem at MINA1:

75 MANAGER: So it is. I see it there on your nametag. some confusion on your part? MINA1: Well, I - VOICE ON PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM: Mina, youve a customer up front. (No one moves) MANAGER: Go on up there. (She hesitates) (MINA1 exits. He sighs, shakes his head. The PA system plays a song. He hums along, writes in his journal. Time passes. MINA2 enters, distraught) MINA2: Sir sir! She threatened me, said I have to change my name, said I cant be Mina because she is the only Mina and you cant have two Minas on the floor because, because everybody would be confused so she said I have to change my name to Margaret, Margaret or, or Hazel. Well Im sorry but I cant be Hazel or, or Margaret. I cant. I just cant. The agency didnt say there was another Mina here. What am I to do? (Enter MINA1 waving a check and 2 IDs. MINA2, upon seeing her, abruptly clams up and turns her back) MINA1: (Hands items to MANAGER. Grins triumphantly at MINA2s back) Excuse me. I trust Im not interrupting something important. I have a personal check here needing your approval for a cash-paying, no-need-to-think-about-it customer. Is there

Well? Go!

76 (He quickly initials it and hands it back without making eye contact) MINA1: Thank you. Well, I guess Ill mosey back to the sales floor and look for some more slack to pick up. Oh, by the way, you really need to introduce me to the new girl from the agency. Ta ta. (MINA1 exits. MINA2 turns to face MANAGER) She is crazy, sir. MINA2: Insane.

MANAGER: Nonsense. Ive known her for what seems like more than an eternity. And I believe I can say, without fear of contradiction, that she is not insane. Feisty, quarrelsome, peevish, yes. But insane, I think not. MINA2: I looked into her eyes and it was like a looking into a lake of fire. It was quite frightening. MANAGER: I think you have an overly-active imagination. You need to relax. Why dont you go sell something? VOICE ON PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM: Mina, youve a customer up front. There, you see? MANAGER: A customer just when you need one.

(MINA2 exits with a look of foreboding on her face. MANAGER goes back to writing in his journal, humming along to the Christmas tune playing over the PA system. MINA1 enters) MINA1: She was talking about me, wasnt she? MANAGER: Who?

77 MINA1: Mina. MANAGER: Thats your name. MINA1: (Up right in his face) You know who I mean, dammit! MANAGER: All this spittle you launch into the air! And the spray and the fog and the attendant mist. Which, I might add, contributes to the humidity and ultimately to the depletion of the ozone layer. MINA1: Up your patootie! MANAGER: Wherever Madame wishes. Now as to your question, she did mention you, but only in passing. The vast totality of our conversation dealt with her mother, poor woman. Mina, saint that she is, takes care of her elderly mum. The woman has a veritable plethora of maladies, some physical, some psychological. For example, she talks to fruit. And they talk back to her, or so she believes. She says she gets lottery numbers from bananas. She told Mina that aliens are enroute from the Proxima Centauri galaxy to cure her gout. Their anticipated arrival date is - MINA1: Youre making this up. You think Im stupid. MANAGER: No, I dont think youre stupid. Other people may think youre stupid, but I dont think youre stupid. MINA1: You know? I could kill you and nobody would know.

78 MANAGER: Youre wrong. Every day at ten on the dot, my mother calls. But one day, three weeks ago, I failed to pick up on the first ring. She said she thought I was dead and you had killed me. Youre lucky I picked up on the third ring. She was this close to calling the police. VOICE ON PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM: Mina, youve a customer up front. (MINA1 opens her mouth as if to say something, then shakes her head, turns and walks away) MANAGER: (Calling after her) Tell them youre in a contest and all you need is another forty dollars in sales to spin the roulette wheel to win a blender. And say that one dollar out of every hundred goes for soup for the homeless. (MINA2 enters) Soup for the homeless? MINA2: Is that true?

MANAGER: It depends on the day. The Missus makes me sleep in the car when I go off the wagon, so I suppose that technically makes me homeless. And yes, there are soup stains inside my car. MINA2: Sorry to bring it up but did you talk to her about - MANAGER: I did. She says you can be Mina. But theres a catch. MINA2: A catch. MANAGER: We will have two Minas. She will be known as Big Mina. You will be Little Mina.

79 MINA2: Little Mina? MANAGER: Exactly. MINA2: But Im bigger than she is. How can I - MANAGER: Its not in reference to size. Its more like an expression of the totality of ones experiential footprint, as it were, including time in service, sales numbers, performance appraisals, etc, etc. Please give it a try. For me. Itll just be until this Christmas madness is over and done with. MINA2: Well, I suppose it cant hurt. Good girl! MANAGER: Thats the spirit!

VOICE ON PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM: Mina, youve a customer up front. MANAGER: Now get out there and sell, Little Mina! MINA2: Okay! Yes! Ill do it! (MINA2 dashes off, an eager smile on her face) MANAGER: (Calling after her) And tell them youre in a contest and if you sell another twenty dollars in merchandise, the company will send reconditioned skateboards to four deserving homeless kids in Sri Lanka. (MANAGER goes back to writing in his journal, humming along to the Christmas tune playing over the PA system. MINA1 enters)

80 MINA1: What is this bullshit? Big Mina and Little Mina? Maybe you think you can fool her, but youre not fooling me! This is laughable! Do you hear me? Laughable! Ha! MANAGER: Come here. Lets have a sniff at your breath. See if youve been sampling the Christmas sauce again. Hmmmm? MINA1: (Backing away) You back off! You aint no flamin teetotaler! (MINA2 enters) MINA2: What is going on? Youre driving away the customers! MINA1: I got something I wanna to make clear, just so nobody gets the wrong idea about what Im - MINA2: SHHHH! The customers! MINA1: Dont SHHHH me. And screw the customers! MINA2: Cant you do something about her? MANAGER: Best to just cover your ears, say sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me and hope she runs out of gas before - MINA1: (Turns to MINA2, a pleading tone) One day, I was out of sorts, not my usual self, and I said how nice it would be to have somebody to help pick up the slack. I was giving expression to a stray thought. Nothing more. It had no connection to reality. Ever since, hes thrown it back in my face and plotted my destruction. He hates me, hates me.

81 MANAGER: Untrue. MINA1: (Desperation in her voice) Liar! He hates me. He hates the fact I know all his secrets. I know about the false door. I know about the the cadavers. I know about the man in the cape. MANAGER: All untrue. MINA1: (Whispers, as if taking MINA2 into her confidence) And I know he lied on his employment application. I know he never graduated from Yale. But he put down that he did and they believed him and made him manager. MANAGER: For Gods sake, woman! MINA1: Im glad he didnt fool you with his mind games. MANAGER: Im warning you! MINA1: He warns me. Ha! Some people have a problem understanding me. Some people, (Glares at MANAGER, suddenly very loud) certain present company not excepted! (Back to MINA2, whispering) have the wrong impression. Like Im supposed to be a crazy psycho lunatic or something. Im glad youre different from the others. I like you. You know that? I get these very strong feelings about people and Im always right in my intuition. My first impression about you was, hey, I like this girl. And you know what? You and I are gonna do some wonderful stuff together. Some truly amazing stuff. As for the others. (Glares at MANAGER, very loud again)

82 MINA1 (Cont): The chickenshit ones with the bullshit games! I could just strangle them in their sleep and suck their bone marrow dry! I really could. (He begins slamming things down, muttering angrily under his breath) MINA1: Its OK, honey. Ignore old stodgypuss there. always like that. MANAGER: Like what? MINA1: Swear to God, hes like this every time we - (He slams hand on counter. MINA2 jumps) MANAGER: LIKE WHAT? MINA1: You see what I mean? MANAGER: (Face turning purple) Jesus Christ! MINA1: Theres no call to be crude! Or to take His Name in vain with you-know-what just around the corner. (Back to MINA2, whispering) Ignore him. Everyone else does. MANAGER: Thats enough, damn it! I have had it with you! (He exits in a rage. Sound of a door slamming. Then the sound of merchandise being thrown against a wall and smashed) Hes

83 MINA1: Its like this every Christmas. You learn to deal with it. MINA2: Uh. Would you excuse me? I think I forgot to lock my car. Ill be right back. (MINA2 exits in a rush. The sound of smashing merchandise continues for several seconds as MINA1 watches until shes sure MINA2 is gone. Then she raps on the wall. The MANAGER enters carrying a boombox playing smashing merchandise sounds. He presses a button on it and the noise ceases) MINA1: She won't be back. Good. MANAGER: Now where were we before she - -

MINA1: You were saying I was late. I answered I was Christmas shopping. And then you said that I always had an - MANAGER: (Getting into character) You always have an excuse. Always some vaguelydefined outside activity. So Im sorry. MINA1: So dock my pay.

MANAGER: You always say youre sor - MINA1: Said I was sorry. OK? Blackout) (The music swells. End