AP | 18th Century Satire | Prof.

Vermeule | January 29, 2007

Imitation of Swiftian Satire: The Former Tenant

On a cold January Morning, I arrived at my new Home, ready to unpack my

Things and settle into my Rooms, only to find that my new Apartment had already been

furnished with another person’s Things. My complete astonishment and Confusion can

barely be expressed. After a brief perusal of the various items littering the Rooms, I was

able to ascertain that they belonged to the previous Tenant. I explained the situation to my

Landlord, who apologized, explaining that he had not known the Things had been left,

but that he should have guessed, based on his extensive knowledge of the Former Tenant.

The Tenant had always been a problem, he explained, filling the building with the stench

of his Tobacco, and constantly entertaining guests of the strangest and most immoral

variety. The small, round, elderly gentleman from whom I was to rent my Rooms wrote a

letter to the previous Tenant, Sir Christopher Hanely, all the while alternating between

thoroughly abusing the young man and apologizing to me.

A letter in response to ours arrived the next day. I opened it eagerly, expecting to

find arrangements to move Sir Hanely’s Things from my Apartment. I cannot translate

either his Sentiment or his Attitude without his words, so I will now relate them directly.

It was, of course, directed to my Landlord.

Dear Sir,
I would greatly appreciate less expressions of formality, and more of
affection in your relations with me. I had hoped your other tenants would have
made it clear that formality is a great impediment to a healthy and proper
relationship with a tenant.
Firstly, I am not entirely certain as to your reasons for becoming
involved in this situation. To the best of my knowledge, it had already been
adequately resolved. If it, indeed, has not been, I simply must be informed by the
involved parties.
 Secondly, please explain, in detail, the particulars of this matter. If I am
required, as you say, to remove my Things, I would be pleased to know exactly
of what Things you are complaining.
Thirdly, I feel compelled to remind you that I cared deeply for you as a
Landlord, and I do not appreciate being reprimanded by someone for whom I
harbor a deep affection and call by the Title of “Friend.”
Furthermore, without regard to what is a “proper practice,” as you say,
for vacating an Apartment, I believe you will not hesitate to agree with me that it
is fairly absurd to expect me to remove all of my Things (although I must admit I
am still Unclear as to which Things you are referring) from Rooms I plan to take
again at some time in the Future. I am sure we can come to a proper arrangement,
as I would be loathe to bring this matter before a Judge, placing it on a far larger
scale than necessary.
I Remain, etc, etc,
Sir Christopher Hanely, Baron of Nosentia
I cannot fully express the surprise I felt upon reading my Landlord’s most recently

delivered correspondence. That glorious man explained that his Former Tenant had been

possessed of a certain sense of entitlement, and an exceeding interest in his own well-

being. His concern for others was far outstripped by his concern for himself. Keeping

such a character in mind, I assisted my Landlord in the composition of his response,

which I will spare the Reader the trouble of examining. We insisted that Sir Hanely make

some arrangement to remove his Things, which we had transferred from my apartment,

where they were contributing to the cramped atmosphere, to my Landlord’s Front Parlor,

where they were continuing to Inconvenience. We also apologized, to soothe the barb, for

not having the Space or Ability to keep his Things in the Rooms he was now very

unlikely to keep in any visible Future, despite my Landlord’s patient and forgiving

Nature. His reply solidified his enduring absence from the House.

Good and Gentle Sir,

 I greatly appreciate the explanation you have so kindly bestowed upon
your Humble Servant. It has made all the difference in the World. I am not one
for theatrics and overly dramatized scenes, and I am sure you can understand my
reaction was the only Natural one to the accusations flung at me without any
regard for my Person. I had not been in any way informed of the situation you
recounted in your letter prior to its receipt. I must emphatically state that I did
not, ever, in any way, request that my Things be removed from my former Rooms
and placed in your excellent Apartment. I strongly suggest you discuss this
development with your new Tenant. I do sympathize with your Plight, however,
as it is simply intolerable to have one’s Front Parlor obstructed in any way. I
can’t imagine any of your comfortable Rooms would be greatly disturbed by the
few small Things you mentioned in your last latter, but I know, more than most,
that to be Inconvenienced is to Suffer Injustice. I have enclosed a letter for your
new Tenant, requesting a full inventory, and his complete assistance in this
matter, and I await his response, which I am positive will declare his full
cooperation and bring a resolution to this trivial concern. If you feel, as I do, that
expediency is essential, I request you urge him to make haste and respond to my
letter as quickly as he is able. As soon as he agrees and acts accordingly, you will
no longer need to hold my Things in your Apartment. Although, if I am not much
mistaken, I am the only one of your Tenants to have left recently, and, as you
quite clearly have the space in which to hold my Things, I fail to see why you are
so reluctant to hold my Things in the otherwise wasted space until I return to my
own Rooms in your excellent House. I sincerely hope I am explaining myself
quite clearly and in a manner corresponding to your level of Understanding. I do
doubt it will come to this end, as I expect the current Tenant of my Apartment
will be entirely willing to cooperate fully with my simple requests, but if he does
not, it is possible that I will require the use of your Rooms as a place in which I
can continue to keep my Things until my return.
I do apologize for the development of this issue. If you find some need
for your Front Parlor before we have reached a resolution, I grant you my
complete Permission to relocate my Things to a less inconvenient part of your
House.
I Remain, Ever Grateful, etc, etc,
Sir Christopher Hanely, Baron of Nosentia