"A D ogs B es t F r ie n d f s Him s e lf " a story by Ronald M.

Haybron

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0 n th e su b j e ct o f d o gs, f have been eating cr ow 1ate1y. 0v er t h e y e a r s, a s I w a s n o t a dog owner or planning on becoming one, I m a d e a n u mb e r o f w h a t I thought wer e r ather penetr ating obs er vations their o n th e w a y mo st p eople tr ainedr d og s, a n d e vi d e n tl y I was a littIe or r ather fr eer did not tr ai n nV sentim ents with

t h a n w a s w i -se . 0 f co u rse I didn' t expect anyone to be listenin g anyway, but my wife has the uncanny knack of not hearing or at a l rn ost ever ything of im por tance that I sdV, a n y r a t e fo rg e tti n g , the few things of les s er m e a n w h i le re co rd i n g w i th per fect fidelity v a l u e t h at f u tte r. Pe r h a p s i t w a s a l l a n elabor ately contr ived plot, now th at f t h i n k o f i t. I ca n i n n o way be accused of seeking out the owner s h i p o f a d o g , a n d h a d w e never got one, f' d have been spar ed the o f re vi e w i n g so m any car eless pr onouncem ents on the s ubindignity j e c t , l Ve d o h a ve o n e th o u gh, a lar ge, ver y black one of the

B e l g i u m S h e e p d o g p e rsu a si on and it is his pr esence which has put m e i n t h e e mb a rra ssi n g p o s ition to which f have been r efer ing. M y mo th e r-i n -l a w p u rchased this dog last sum m er , and she f o u n d , f o r re a so n s o f h e a lth she claimedr that she could not to her heal th k e e p h i m. (f ma i n ta i n th a t the sole factor r elating w h i c h w a s p e rta i n e n t w a s that she eame to her senses. ) Ther eu po 1 1 r s h e ca l l e d my w i fe , w hom she evidently r egar ds as the m os t g u l 1 i b 1 e o f h e r d a u g h te rs, to offer this animal to us as a gi ft. M y w i f e th e n a ske d me i f s he could accept the dog' and f gentl y s a i d r "N o r" a n d th e h o ffe re d sever al scor e excellent r easons tendi n g t o p ro ve th a t i t w o u l d be unwise of us to consider the ow ner year s. The subject was, in r ny m i nd, s h i p o f a d o g fo r a b o u t fi fety c i o s e d , a n d I p a sse d o n to other pr oblems of the day and age. Sh ortl y a fte r th i s conver sationr W wife announced that s he h e r mo ther for a few days' but the subject of i n t e n d e d to vi si t t h e d o g w a s n o t to u e h e d u pon by either of us. f could not acc om p a n y h e r o n th i s tri p b e cause of wor k, but on the m or ning when s h e w a s d u e to l e a ve , f saunter ed up to her in m y insoucient w ay a n d , c o cki n g my h e a d p 1 a yful1y said,"No dogl "

- 2S h e l o o ke d sta rtl e d and a bit hur t and saidr "Of cour se nott " w i t h g r ea t e mp h a si s, a n d anyone not schooled in her ways woul d h a v e m a r ke d me d o w n ri g h t thing l i ke th a t. d a y s l a t er, ther e as a cad and a bounder , or som eI kn e w my adver sar y however , and so sever al I ra n d u p my mother - in- 1aw' s. num ber , and when my w i fe

w a s o n t h e w i re I sa i d so ftly, l f h en my w i fe p u 1 1 e d into

"No dog t " the dr iveway fr om her visit, ther e w a s a l a rg e , b l a ck a n i ma l in the back seat of the car . Close i ns p e c t i o n re ve A l e d th a t i t was a dog. As I said, f knew m y adv er sary, but apparently not quite well enough. I had been out-mane u v e r e d , p ro b a b l y ft fro m th e ver y star t.

sh o u l d b e a b u n d e ntly clear that I did not want this d og. f d i d n ' t e ve n l i ke h i s n a me, which was Jet, but ther e he was , and h e n o s o o n e r g o t o u t o f the car than he was embar ked on a camp a i g n t o w i n rn y a ffe cti o n s. He devoted ever y waking hour to p r ov i n g t o me th a t h e w a s a n extr aor dinar y cr eatur e in ever y w&Vr b ra ve , obedient; in shor t the whole scouts s t r o n g , fa i th fu l , o f d o g g y vi rtu e s a l l wer e come together in him. I was r es olist lute

for I do not take matter s of pr incipl e a n d a l o o f a t fi rst, b u t b y-a n d -b y T was seduced and went to the com plete r elightly, v e r s e o f my fo rme r p o si ti o n. a s so o n a s f had becom e hopelessly sm itten wi th l o v e a n d a d mi ra ti o n fo r this most noble of God' s cr eatur es, he and then began to shed fir st h e a v e d a g re a t si g h o f, re l ief one a n d t h e n a n o th e r o f h i s g ood habits and vir tuous ways, until he h a d r e v e r te d to w h a t w a s so m anifestly his tr ue se1f, which had b e e n c u nn i n g l y h i d d e n fro m me until f had com m itted myself. I had b e e n t h e vi ctu m o f a n e l a bor ate subter fuge, but I could not, i n a l l f a i r n e ss h o l d th e d o g r esponsible for it. I knew that m y w i fe p u t h i m u p to it, and so f settled dor vn to being had certainly t h e o w n e r o f th e mo st d i sreputable dog in the neighbor hood. O n ce i t w a s fi rml y e s tablished that Jet was to be a par t of N a t u ra l l y, o u r f a m i l y, I mu st a d mi t that I settled down and became a cr e di ta b l e m a ste r, p l e se n tl y re signed if not exactly enthusiastie. I n e v e r w as w h a t yo u 'd ca l l a dog- hater r f was mor e of a dog- di s tr us ter .

-3$ r m o t h er a n d ste p -fa th e r had always been inveter ate dog- fanc i er s , a n d d o w n th ro u g h th e ye a rs they had owned some pr etty peculiar e x a m p t r e s o f th e sp e ci e s One of these in par ticular stands out i n m y m i n d . S h e w a s a d o g w e owned In Key W est, Flor ida, a typical m e m b e r o f th e mo n g re l b re ed which inhabited the island. W e cal l ed h e r Po o p si e , a n d sh e h a s to bear a major par t of the r esponsib i 1 i W f o r th e mi stru stfu l attitude f tve held for m ember s of the fo r mo st o f my life. P o op si e w a s my n o ti o n of what a dog- br eeder ' s w o u l d b e . T a ke n a s a w h o l e, she was shar p- snouted, big-bodied, a n d ta n -a n d -w hite. fn mor e detail, c a n i n e f arn i l y nightmar e shor t- hair ed,

she had ear s that l o p p e d h o rri b l y e ve ry w h i ch wBV, a fat and shapeless body with r o l l s a n d b u l g e s h e re a n d ther e, Br r d all this was per ched on s pi nd 1 y w h i t e l e g sr B S th o u g h her body had been pr opped up tem por ar ily. tail T h i s o d d -l o o ki n g co l l ection w i t h a w h i te ti p . was ter r ninated by a shor t, wirV

I r S rp a re n ts, w h e n p re ssed, always claimed they loved Poops i e f o r h e r mi n d a n d I co u l d c er tainly appr eciate not wanting to l ov e h e r b o d y . H o w e ve r, I w a s never sur e she had m uch of a r nind ei-ther . Sh e w a s an a l o o f a n i ma l -, who took little notice of her sur r oundi n g s e x c ep t fo r i te ms o f dir ect concer n to her . If pr esented w i th a n o c c u r en ce o f a tru e l y outlandish and unexpected natur e, she w o u l - d s o me ti me s w ri n kl e h er white br ow as if in disbelief, but h e r m a i n co n ta ct w i th th e outside wor ld was thr ough her over She was the most pompous dog d e v e l o p e d. se n se o f se tf-i mpor tance. I ever knew. D u r i n g th i s p e ri o d r rey'par ents wer e living in a Navy tr ai l or c o u r t i n K e y We st. l tl h e n I ar r ived for the summ er r hV step- father to ser ve as d e c i d e d to co n stru ct a p o rch attached to the tr ailor he a r o o m f o r me , a n d to o b tain r aw m ater ials for the pr oject, d e c i d e d to " b o rro w " so me wood fr om some of the a b a n d o n ed A rmy fo rt n e xt door . 0n this mission t h e d a y ha u l i n g w o o d o u t of the bar r acks, over t o t h e g ro w i n g l u mb e r p l l e . Poopsie walked with bar r acks in the we spent m ost of

the fence, and onus, to and fr o. S h e w a l k e d b e ca u se sh e se l dom r an. Her m ost r apid gait was usual l y w h i ch caused her skinny, white legs to tro t, a r n i n c i n g l i ttl e l o o k a s t h o u g h th e y w e re spar kling as she tapped along on her l ong'

- 4g r e y t o e na i l s. T h e scre e n i n th e d o or to the bar acks had r usted out for m t h e p e r v a si ve sa l t a i r, l eaving only the wooden fr ame which was s t i l 1 c l o se d b y a ru sty spr ing. At eaeh entr ance into the buil di n g , a n d a g a i n u p o n e a ch exitr W step- father would open the d o o r a n d p a ss th ro u g h w h i l e Poopsie would tr ot thr ough with h i m , F r o r n t i m e to ti me , sh e w a s detained on some er r and or other a nd m i s s e d h i s p a ssi n g th ro u g h the door . At these tim es, she would saunter up to the door and standr panting gently and wagging her i n Ii ttl e , tail w h i te -ti p p e d switches, Ther eupor ir my stepfathe r w o u l d r e ach th ro u g h th e d oor and ur ge her to step thr ough the f r a m e b y tu g g i n g o n h e r collar so that finally she assimilated t h e f a c t th a t sh e co u l d p ass in and out fr eely without the do or b e i n g o p e n e d fo r h e r. I c a n 't re ca l l n o vl , but it is possible that a keen observ er m i g h t h a ve d e te e te d a fa i n t, musing expr ession on Poopsie' s bJ - and, just a bitr or m ay b r o w n - a n d -w h i te fa ce . P e rhaps her ear s lifted b e h e r b r o w to o k o n i t's dainty wr inkle for a moment when the not i o n s t r u ck h e r th a t th e s cr een door of the old ar ny building di d n o t i m p e d e h e r p a ssa g e i n and out of the building. I canft saVr bec a u s e a s f n o te d , sh e w a s such an a1oof, over - dignified cr eatur e t h a t s h e w o u l d n e ve r, i f she could help it, give any sign of hav i n g b e e n su rp ri se d . If sh e showed any signs of having m ade an i ni n r egar d to scr een door s, f missed it . S h e s e e m e d to b e h e r n o rmal self thr oughout the after noon. and I wer e seated in the tiny ste p- father L a t er th d d a yrrW dr inking iced- tea to cool us fr om our ) - i v i n g r o o m o f th e tra i l o r l a b o r s , wh i l e P o o p si e d o zed beneath the kitchen table. Pr esentl y , by in the str eet outside. Now, f a l a r g e , ye l l o w ca t stro l l e d h a v e n ' t me n ti o n e d i t, b u t Poopsie had a hobby; she liked to chas e w a s a n a b su rd p a st-tim e for her to be involved with, l {i th cats,ft h e r s p i n dl y l e g s a n d o ve rblown body she pr obably couldn' t have ever caught a cat with nore than two legs anyway, but she pursued t h e h a b i t n o n e -th e -1 e ss, rvith gr eat dedication if no tangible r es u 1 t . O n th i s d a y, h e r a p petite for the spor t was as keen as ev er , _ a n d a s t h e b i g fe l i n e stro de alnog, Poopsie' s head snapped up off of claw s sh e l u rch e d to her feet, and with a clatter the floor, tellectual b re a kth ro u g h

- 5on the linolium fl o o r sh e launched her self, secur e ln her new

u n d e r s t a nd i n g , o u t th ro u g h the closed scr een door r tear i- ng it f r o m i t ' s h i n g e s a n d p o ki ng her head and for elegs thr ough the screen. T h e si g h t o f P o o p si e , standing fr ozen in d.isbelief, with the s c r e e n d oo r a ro u n d h e r sh oulder s like a gr eat star ched collar , w i l l l i n ge r u n d i mme d i n my lnemor y when r nost other r ecollections have faded away. Her eyes popped and bulged from her head and her lopped ears worked up and down in a frenzy of wig-wagged stupification. I d o n 't t h a t d a y . It t h e m a t e ri a l S h e w a s to tally dum bfounded and utter ly m or tifi ed. th i n k sh e e n tir ely tr usted her power s of r eason after mu st h a ve se em ed to her that her under standing o f

w o rl d w a s fa telly awr y. W or se than thatr ?s she s tood t h e r e i n th e ru i n s o f th e door r w all laughed uncontr ollably a t h e r p erd i ca .me n t, a n d to a dog like Poopsie, that vr as sur ely the ultimate blorv. Ferhaps if she had had the good fortune to j u m p t h r o u g h th e d o o r u n o bser ved, she would have one day r egai ned h e r s e l f - i ma g e , b u t th e combination of cir cum stances seem od to h a v e o v e rw h e l me d h e r. S h e was never quite the sam e dog again.