Chapter One

The day was September 11th, 2001. This was the day that changed my life. I'm sure you've all heard about what happened. About the attacks in New York. Well my mother and I were on one of the planes. It was an uneventful flight, a boring takeoff, and a steady ascent. The plane smelled of rich mahogany and citrus pledge. There was a roaring fire in the fireplace and my father was sitting in his favorite armchair. "Sir!" one of the flight attendents rushed in to address my father, "Someone has hijacked the plane!" "Like hell they have," my father replied, standing up and making his way to his gun cabinet in the den. He retrieved his crossbow and made his way to the cockpit. "Housekeeping," he said, as he kicked in the door, sounding like a complete badass in the process. Inside was a terrible sight, one he was completely unprepared for. My mother. "Well, well, well. The tables have out of the bag on the other foot this time, wouldn't you say?" my mother asked in Sean Connery's voice. "No! That's impossible!" my father cheered "You're right," a voice said from behind him. He turned around to see my mother standing behind him. "Which of us is real?" she asked, also in Sean Connery's voice. "One of us is real, and the other one is a robot, shweethart," mother 1 said, quite like Sean Connery. "Neither," my father replied, placing the crossbow against his temple. "No!" both Sean Connery mothers shouted in unison, sounding like a bunch of Sean Connerys speaking simultaneously. There was a muffled 'twock' the crossbow released and all three of the people in the cockpit fell to the ground, quite dead. "So, that's it, then," I said, nonchalantly walking into the cockpit and sitting down at the controls. I typed at a keyboard or something for about twenty seconds until a voice filled the room "Autopilot activated. Destination: The World Trade Center," the voice proclaimed, followed by dramatic music and stuff. "How long do you think it will take?" I asked the autopilot, flirtatiously suggesting that there's something I'd rather be doing. "We have time," the autopilot replied, winking as she understood what I was getting at. She climbed onto my lap and we began kissing passionately. At this point, I was already nude because I was nude the whole time. "Emergency! Our radar is picking up a large explosive device on board the aircraft!" she cried, in between gasps of pleasure. "Yeah, I'll say," I said, or at least planned to say, as there was a large explosion as half of the aircraft exploded. I jumped up and grabbed my repair

kit. I had to fix the airplane before the Necromorphs could catch up with us. As I walked into the cabin, I realized it was too late. There were a large number of Necromorphs looking for me, but luckily they couldn't find me as I was wearing the invisibility cloak my father had left me when he died. The Necromorphs pushed past me and strode into the cockpit.

Chapter Two
I heard the scream of the autopilot, followed by the distinct sound of a Necromorph teleporter. It sounded almost exactly like a coffee maker when it first starts dripping coffee into the pot, but instead of a sizzle, it's more like a pop. I found a note that read:

Dear Duke Nukem, we have kidnapped your autopilot. If you don't come to our planet in the Alpha Centauri star system by 10:00pm Friday, we will kill her. Love, the Necromorphs.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I'm Duke Nukem. Without a second of hesitation, I sat down in the cockpit and said "Autopilot, set destination Alpha Centauri." It was a long, silent moment before it dawned on me why this wouldn't work. As I grabbed the controls and manually pulled up, a single tear rolled down my cheek. "Autopilot, I'm going to save you if it's the last thing I do," and I pressed the plane's hyperspeed button. "Sir," said a voice from behind me. I immediately pulled out my handgun and pointed it at what turned out to be the flight attendent that warned my dad of the hijackers. "Wasn't this story about 9/11? What the fuck are you even doing?" the flight attendent asked, punching the fourth wall in the face. I immediately shot him, as he had convinced me that the Necromorphs had brainwashed him. I resumed flying the plane after this. I estimated my arrival on the Necromorph's planet to be at about 3 pm Thursday, which left me plenty of time to book a hotel and get settled in.

Chapter Three
It's 2:50 pm Thursday. As I looked through the windshield I could see

the planet. It looked kind of like Earth only instead of water there was nothing and instead of green it was brown. It didn't look that much like Earth. I landed the plane and kicked open the door to get out. I exited the gate and had to go through security to leave the airport. I hailed a taxi and after kicking open the cab door and getting in, I told him "TAKE ME TO AUTOPILOT" "Right away, sir," the cabbie said. He then floored it and sped through traffic until we arrived at a large fortress looking building. I walked inside and talked to the receptionist. "Yes, hello I'm here for Autopilot," I said to the receptionist. "And who are you?" she snapped back. "I'm Duke Nukem," I retorted. "Ah, yes. Please step into the office. She's been waiting for you," the receptionist told me. As I walked in, I tripped over the doorframe and fell head first into the office. Before I knew it, a pair of gentle hands were around me helping me to my feet. I look up and see Autopilot. "Duke, are you okay?" she asks "Ye-yes," I choke out. I'm so embarassed. "Good," she says simply. She waves me further into the office, which is immaculately decorated with a dark-wood desk and floor-to-ceiling windows. I eye a series of breath-taking paintings. "Local artist. Do you like them?" she asks, eyeing me. "They're breathtaking." I murmur, distracted by both her and the paintings. "I couldn't agree more, Duke," she replies, her voice soft. For some inexplicable reason I find myself blushing. Then she locked me in her basement and hit me with a whip.

The End