Report

THE COMMITMENT CAMPAIGN | NOVEMBER 2011

Commitment: The Answer to the Middles Questions on Marriage for Gay Couples
By Lanae Erickson

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or the first time, national polls indicate that a majority of Americans now support allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry. Our country has undergone an unprecedented shift on the issue, with support doubling in just a decade and a half. This evolution has been bolstered by a parallel transformation in Americans underlying attitudes towards gay people and couples, who were once seen as outsiders but are now increasingly accepted as part of the community. But despite the seismic shift in support for marriage, these gains are not yet locked ina sizable chunk of the support is still susceptible to the arguments of marriage opponents. Solidifying these supporters is crucial because, among other reasons, several court cases on marriage are working their way up to the Supreme Court level and could be decided in the next handful of years, and the Justices will pay attention to public opinion in making their decisions. In this report, we unravel the mysteries of the middle and set out a series of lessons gleaned from our qualitative and quantitative researchall aimed at moving the middle from supporters to solid and sustained allies on the path to marriage. The most important lesson is that advocating for marriage in terms of commitment, not rights, is paramount.

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SIX LESSONS FROM PUBLIC OPINION RESEARCH

When asked to rate their comfort level with allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry, respondents in our latest poll conducted by Grove Insight averaged a tepid 4.76 on a scale of 0 to 10.1 A full 15% rated themselves exactly in the middle at a 5, while another 15% of those on the supportive side ranked themselves a relatively soft 6 to 8. Only 26% labeled themselves a 9 or 10, compared to about 30% who said they were a 0 or 1. That means 44% were somewhere in the middle.
Comfort with Marriage for Gay Couples
0 to 1 30 13 2 to 4 5 15 6 to 8 9 to 10 15

These two questions illustrate the challenges facing supporters of marriage. One in four Americans would grudgingly accept it, and four in ten put themselves in the gray zonenot completely for it, not decidedly against it.

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They are struggling to understand the motivations of gay couples who wish to marry. Are they seeking to change the institution of marriage or join it? Are they marrying for similar reasons as other couples or for different reasonslike benefits, rights, or to make a political statement? Those in the middle are not fully resolved on what marriage would mean for kidsnot the kids of gay couples, but their own children. Will values about sex and marriage be taught in the home or elsewhere? And they have yet to reconcile their desire to be fair and inclusive toward gay couples with their religious convictions. Can I still be faithful to my religious beliefs and open to marriage for gay couples? These are legitimate and understandable questions. What follows are the six lessons we have identified for resolving these internal dilemmas and moving the middle on marriage so as to pave the way for a faster and smoother journey

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We learned after three years of exhaustive qualitative and quantitative research that those in the middle are grappling with a series of unresolved, conflicting internal values and complex beliefs when it comes to marriage.

Can we move 4s, 5s, and 6s to 8s, 9s, and 10s? Can we change people from grudging approval to gladly accepting? We are certain the answer is yes.

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When asked how they would feel: 32% said they would be glad if gay couples could marry, 23% said they would not like it but it would be acceptable to them, and 37% said it would not be acceptable.

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to equality. The first lesson is the most important to heed in order to move and solidify the middle, and the ones that follow bolster its advice.

LESSON #1
Commitment trumps rights.
Extending marriage to gay couples is in some ways about rights, and there are myriad legal protections that arise from marriage, but that is not how people see their own marriages. Most Americans think that marriage is about love, commitment, obligation, and responsibility. That is why the solemnity of the ceremony and vows are so importantbecause they represent a one-of-a-kind promise of lifetime commitment and fidelity, made publicly in front of family and friends. Yet advocates have often focused on rights and benefits, not commitment, when talking about why gay couples want to marry. This mismatch may have exacerbated an existing disconnect in the minds of the middle, perpetuating the notion that gay couples want to marry for different reasons than other couples or, worse, implying that gay couples dont truly understand what marriage is about. When asked in our poll why couples like you might want to get married, 58% said to publicly acknowledge their love and commitment to each other. Only 22% chose for rights and benefits, like tax advantages, hospital visitation, or sharing a spouses pension. But when asked why gay couples might want to get married, publicly acknowledging love and commitment lost 20 points, and respondents were split down the middle between commitment and rights (38% to 38%).

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This disconnect was even more stark within certain key demographic groups: those who attend church once a week (26 point gap) or more than once a week

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Most Important Reason to Marry

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(33 point gap), Midwesterners under the age of 50 (31 point gap), and white voters without a college degree (25 point gap), among others. There is a direct line between how people answered this question and whether they were supportive of marriage. More than three-fifths of those who thought gay couples wanted to marry for rights and benefits put themselves on the uncomfortable side of our 0 to 10 comfort scalemost in the 0 or 1 categories. By contrast, more than three-fifths of those who thought gay couples wanted to marry for reasons of love and commitment placed themselves on the comfortable side of the scalemost in the 9 or 10 categories.

0 to 1

2 to 4

6 to 8

9 to 10

Gay Couples Marry for Love & Commitment 12 7 19 24

Gay Couples Marry for Rights & Benefits 46 16 10

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In our testing, we found that a message entirely based on the commitment framework was extremely effective. A solid 61% described it as convincing, including 37% who said it was very convincing:
Some people say that gay and lesbian couples who are truly committed to each other want similar things as the rest of usto build a life together based on love and commitment, staying together through thick and thin. The Golden Rule is one of the most important values we teach our childrento treat others as we want to be treated. So if a couple is willing to stand up in front of family and friends and make a lifetime promise to each other, its not for us to judge, or to deny them that opportunity.

Those who thought that statement was convincing included 64% of Independents, 79% of those who rated themselves a 5 on the comfort scale, and 80% of those who said marriage would be acceptable but they wouldnt like it (the grudging acceptors).

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The rights frame appeals to our base supporters, but at this point in the evolution of public opinion, we can already count on them. To move the middle, we must convince them that gay people seek similar things in marriage as they do. Leading with commitment will show the middle that gay people want to join the institution of marriage, not change it. And our research found that when voters thought gay couples were seeking to join marriage, not change it, support burgeoned.2

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Comfort with Marriage for Gay Couples

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By contrast, only a bare majority agreed that marriage is a basic human right that should not be denied to gay people (52%) and only slightly more thought that not allowing gay people to marry is discrimination. Based on these data, and bolstered by our previous qualitative findings, we believe this rights-based message has run its course and should be retired in favor of commitment when speaking to the middle.3 This lessonthe need to speak about marriage in terms of commitment and responsibility rather than rights and benefitsis the single biggest and most important finding from our research. But heeding it is not enough. In order to move and solidify the middle, there are a series of other things marriage advocates must demonstrate to show they are serious about commitment. Each of the following lessons is in that vein, and attending to each is crucial in order to persuade the middle that allowing gay couples to marry is about making a commitmentnot changing institutions.

LESSON #2
Kids move voters.

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For many people, what is at the heart of marriage and commitment is children. So when thinking about allowing gay couples to marry, kids are immediately on the middles mind. When confronted with the argument that allowing gay couples to marry would result in schools teaching second graders that boys can marry boys, 56% of respondents believed that message was a persuasive reason to oppose marriage, with 35% saying it was very persuasive. Strikingly, this included 57% of parents, who across other measures on the survey were more supportive of marriage than the general public.

Even among those who said they were comfortable with allowing gay couples to marry, this argument raised serious concerns. Nineteen percent of those who placed themselves at a 9 or 10 on the marriage comfort scale rated it convincing, as did 32% of those who were initially soft supporters (6-8s). Among those who rated themselves 5s on the comfort scale, a full 58% said the argument was convincing. This concern was evident in other poll questions as well, where 54% of respondents described the issue of marriage for gay couples as a topic that is hard to talk to children about, and the same number said they worry it would be confusing to children. Among those who were grudging acceptors, those numbers were 66% and 63%, and

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We found that underlying these concerns about children are deeply emotional fears about loss of parental control.

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among those who were 5s on the comfort scale with marriage, the numbers were 54% and 53%. In our past qualitative research, we found that underlying these concerns about children are deeply emotional fears about loss of parental control. These fears were also evident in the poll data. When asked about possible outcomes of allowing gay couples to marry, respondents ranked the following statement as the worst possible outcome that could happen: Parents would lose control over teaching their kids core values (2.4 on a 0 to 10 scale, where 0 is the worst and 10 is the best). Close behind were fears that Children would be taught about gay sex at an early age (2.6), Teachers would impose their views about this issue onto their students (2.9), It would change what gets taught in public schools, (3.0) and Parents would struggle with how to talk to their children about this issue (3.3).

63% said it was at least somewhat likely that parents would struggle with how to talk to their children (including 65% of Independents, 66% of parents, 67% of 5s on the comfort scale, and 70% of grudging acceptors); 52% said they thought marriage for gay couples would change what gets taught in public schools (including 50% of parents, 50% of grudging acceptors, 56% of Independents, and the same number of those who were 5s on the comfort scale);

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47% said that teachers would impose their views about the issue onto students (including 40% of grudging acceptors, 47% of 5s on the comfort scale, 47% of Independents, and 52% of parents).

LESSON #3
The home is our turf; schools are their turf.

The antidote to the kids attack is parents and the home. Simply put, when the middle is convinced that some other institutionlike schoolsis going to teach core values on sexuality and marriage, they buckle. When they are convinced these core values will continue to be instilled at home, they are bucked up.

49% thought that kids would be taught about sex at an early age (including 42% of grudging acceptors, 45% of 5s on the comfort scale, 46% of parents, and 47% of Independents); and,

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These rankings wouldnt matter if voters thought these outcomes were unlikely to occur in the real world. But while they arent certain that allowing gay couples to marry will affect kids and schools; they arent certain that it wont.

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Thus to combat this fear, and to de-claw the attack that allowing gay couples to marry will alter schools and curriculum, we must reassure parents of their sense of control. The most effective avenue is to reinforce the message that Parents are responsible for teaching their children core values, and allowing committed gay couples to marry isnt going to change that. A full 67% of respondents in our poll found that statement convincing, with 37% saying it was very convincing. Those who found it convincing included 65% of parents, 68% of Catholics (including 65% of Catholics who attend church regularly), 71% of Independents, and 79% of those who were a 5 on the comfort scale with marriage.

When compared directly to other possible responses to attacks around children, parents teaching core values ranks highest in persuasiveness. Seventy-six percent of those who moved in a positive direction throughout the survey found the parents are responsible for teaching core values message to be convincing. This echoes the findings from our qualitative research, where we tested multiple formulations of messages that addressed parental angst about loss of control by reinforcing the concept that parents teach core values to their children at home. One participant noted, The part relating to my children learning their values from my wife and I rings especially true. Another said, This ad speaks directly to core values being taught in the home where they should be. If theres strength in the family, then an issue being addressed like gay marriage should pose no more of an obstacle than any of the others. Reinforcing the notion that parents convey core values in the home was effective in shifting the dynamic and bringing respondents back to a more open and supportive place. By the end of the poll, concern that parents would

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Parents are responsible for teaching their children core values, and allowing committed gay couples to marry isnt going to change that.

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struggle with how to talk to their children about this issue declined among key demographic groups, decreasing by 22 points among Independent women, 14 points among mothers, 11 points among married Independents, and ten points among those who were undecided on marriage. Similarly, fears that parents would lose control over teaching their kids core values also decreased, declining 17 points among Independent women, 10 points among those who are married without a college degree, 8 points among those who were undecided, and 5 points among mothers.

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Our respondents were also clear that when they say they want to hear from parents, they dont mean gay parentsonly 5% chose gay parents as their first choice and 10% as their second choice for the messenger they trust most. And although it is tempting to use teachers to try and rebut attacks or overcome fears around the impact of marriage for gay couples on children and schools, a mere 7% of respondents chose teachers as the messenger they trust most on this issue. No matter how good the ad may be, focusing on teachers and schools instead of parents and the home does the oppositions work for them by bringing the discussion back onto their turf. To make the commitment framework most persuasive, marriage advocates must convince the middle that they share a conviction that values flow from the family. These two reassurances bolster each other: if gay couples want to marry for commitment, not out of protest or to use marriage as a political statement, then they are also showing they do not intend to supplant the family as the primary conveyer of values to children.

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Although it is tempting to use teachers to try and rebut attacks or overcome fears... a mere 7% of respondents chose teachers as the messenger they trust most.

Just as parents are the focal point of the message, they should also be visible as messengers in order to shore up support for marriage among soft supporters and those who are undecided. When asked who they would trust most to respond to concerns about how allowing gay couples to marry might impact children, 43% chose parents of school-aged children as their first (25%) or second (18%) choicefar outstripping any other messenger. Another 20% chose parents living in states where gay couples can marry as their first or second choice, and a similar number chose parent groups like PTAs. Combined, 45% chose one of these three parent options as their first choice for who they would trust most to respond to concerns around the potential impact on children.

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LESSON #4
On kidsturn down the heat.
Organizations that oppose allowing gay couples to marry frequently try to turn up the heat on the issue with attack ads and scare tactics. Theres a simple reason for that strategy: the higher the anxiety, the more those in the middle are susceptible to being peeled away, deciding that allowing gay couples to marry is just too risky. That means it is crucial for marriage supporters to turn the heat down. One effective way to do that is to remind those in the middle of something they already believe to be truethat kids will be kids, and in reality, they are much more interested in other things than they are in whether gay couples are allowed to marry. Sixty-four percent of respondents found this statement convincing:
The reality is that kids will be kids, and there are lots of things more important to them, like picking what game to play at recess or talking their parents into getting a family pet. This just isnt whats on their minds.

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Turning down the heat in this way can help reinforce the commitment framework and remind the middle that allowing gay couples to marry does not threaten the principle that families should transmit values, not institutions.

LESSON #5
Give people permission to change their minds about why gay couple marry.

From the beginning, our research showed that Americans are on a journey when it comes to acceptance of gay people, gay couples, and ultimately, marriage. Using a third party testimonial to model that journey resonates with the middle and helps to further their own journeyespecially when that journey
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Sixty-three percent of parents also called this message convincing, as did 58% of Midwesterners, and 69% of Independents. Moreover, further statistical analysis reveals that this message drove support for marriage throughout the survey. We also tested this approach in our qualitative research, and the response was overwhelmingly positive. After watching an ad that conveyed this message, one participant observed, This made me feel less anxious about gay marriage being taught in the schools[it] made me feel like issues of family can come up in passing and kids really are not too concerned with the details of gay marriage. Another said, It shows what the kids are REALLY thinking about. And in contrast to opponents attacks, which are threatening and highintensity, this message served to turn down the volume and bring participants back to reality, helping to diffuse the situation, make it less intimidating, and remind them that if parents dont make it a big deal neither will the children.

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speaks directly to why gay couples want to marry. Marriage supporters can use a messenger with whom the middle can identify to deliver the information that we know changes their minds: gay couples want to marry for commitment, not rights. The following message incorporates both the commitment framework and the reassurance that parents teach core values to their childrenconcepts we explored earlier. The distinction here is that the supporter was once a skeptic:
My name is Bill Stevens. I was brought up thinking that marriage was between a man and a woman. I came to realize that gays and lesbians are born that way. After all, who would choose that harder path? I also know the value of my marriage and the vows and one-of-a-kind promises we made. So I understand why gay couples want to get marriedbecause it is such a unique and important commitment. When it comes to my children, I teach them not to judge others and to practice the Golden Rule. Im confident that they learn their values from my wife and me and allowing gay couples to marry isnt going to change that.

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LESSON #6
Religion is a hurdle, not a wall.

Another crucial reassurance marriage supporters must provide to the middle is the notion that allowing gay couples to marry is about making a commitmentnot changing religious institutions. Very religious voters are a long way from supporting marriage. However, for much of the middle faith is important, but it is not the only internal compass in their lives. Forty-two percent of the grudging acceptors attend church once a week or more, along with 39% of Independents, 35% of the 5s on the comfort scale, and the same number of those who identified as 6 through 8s on the com-

Using a messenger who could describe changing his own opinion on why gay couples want to marry modeled this positive evolution on the very issue that is most crucial to gaining support. It reinforced soft marriage supporters by mirroring their own evolution and gave those in the middle permission to reconsider their own beliefs about gay couples motivations for wanting to marry.

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The journey message also resonated in our qualitative research, bolstering those who felt that their feelings had evolved on the issue and providing a sense of community for those who had changed their mind. One participant said, It makes me feel more confident in my decision because this person feels the same way I do therefore I feel like I have more support on my views.

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Sixty percent of all respondents found this convincing, and further analysis shows that agreement with this message drove support for marriage throughout the survey. Those who found it convincing included 72% of grudging accepters and 77% of those who were 5s on the comfort scale.

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fort scale. By contrast, 69% of the 0s and 1s on the comfort scale attend church once a week or more, and 38% describe themselves as Evangelical Christians (compared to 15% of the 5s). When asked whether allowing gay couples to marry concerns them because of their religious beliefs, many of the groups in the middle were torn. By a margin of 53% to 37%, the grudging acceptors were concerned. But Independents were tied at 47% to 47%, and a plurality of those who were 5s on the comfort scale were not concerned, 44% to 39%. Soft supporters (6 through 8s) were even less concerned about conflicts with their religious beliefs, with only 22% saying they were concerned. But even among those groups in the middle who were more concerned about religion, overwhelming majorities said It is not for me to judge. Sixtyfour percent of Independents agreed with that statement, as did 76% of 5s on the comfort scale and 81% of grudging acceptors. In order to reassure these groups and allow them to resolve their conflicting feelings in favor of marriage, it is crucial to include reaffirmation of religious liberty protections as a significant part of supporters message framework. The success in passing marriage in New York State serves as one recent example of the importance of including a strong reaffirmation of existing First Amendment protections of religious freedom, to reassure lawmakers and voters that religious leaders and churches will be protected. And when those protections are explicitly incorporated into marriage advocates messages, support for marriage spikes. A 2008 study by Public Religion Research showed support jumping 14 points in a single poll with the inclusion of a religious liberty assurance.4 Again, the commitment framework is deeply intertwined with this reassurance. If those in the middle believe that gay couples want to marry to make a lifetime commitment of fidelitynot to use marriage as a political statement to change the precepts of religious institutionsthey will be more open to support for marriage. And if gay couples can show they are as committed to protecting religious liberty as they are to making a lifetime promise to each other in marriage, many in the middle with religious concerns can be swayed.

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CONCLUSION
Our country is moving in a supportive direction on the issue of allowing gay couples to marrya direction we believe should and will inevitably lead to marriage for these couples. But based on our comprehensive and groundbreaking research, it is crucial that advocates and champions of marriagefamilies, policymakers, organizational spokespeople, and many othersmake a lasting

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shift to a framework and message of commitment. Heeding this and the other lessons in this report will substantially help us to speed that journey. After hearing the commitment message during the course of our poll, respondents moved in favor of support for marriage. In fact, 15% of those who had put their comfort level at a 5 after hearing opponents attacks moved into the 6 through 8 category by the end of the survey. And nearly 1 in 10 of those who were soft supporters (6 through 8) after being exposed to arguments about effects on children moved to solid 9s or 10s by the end of the poll. By contrast, there was no significant movement in the opposite direction. The messages of love, commitment, responsibility, parents teaching core values to their children, and strong protections for religious liberty are effective strategies for moving and bolstering the middle on marriage. If marriage advocates utilize this framework, they will be able to shore up soft supporters, persuade those in the middle, and ultimately build a strong and sustainable majority in favor of allowing gay couples to marry across the country.

For more information about Third Way please visit www.thirdway.org.

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Third Way is a think tank that creates and advances moderate policy and political ideas. We advocate for private-sector economic growth, a tough and smart centrist security strategy, a clean energy revolution, and progress on divisive social issues, all through a moderate-led U.S. politics.

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Lanae Erickson is Deputy Director of the Third Way Social Policy & Politics Program and can be reached at lerickson@thirdway.org. ABOUT THIRD WAY

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THE AUTHOR

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ENDNOTES
1 Most of the quantitative findings in this paper come from our latest collaborative research with Grove Insight, who conducted a national poll completed July 12-17, 2011, of 1000 likely voters. 2 When asked whether gay couples who want to get married are trying to change the institution of marriage or join it, those who chose join were much more likely to support marriage for gay couples, and those who chose change were much more likely to oppose it. A full 64% of the changers rated themselves a 0 or 1 on the comfort scale (compared to 30% of all respondents), while only 9% of joiners called themselves a 0 or 1 and only 6% rated themselves a 2 through 4 to indicate even soft opposition. It is worth noting that the country as a whole is evolving quickly on this join versus change question in a positive direction. We asked the same question on a national poll in January 2009, and when you compare those numbers to our July 2011 poll, the joiners have gained 4 points and the changers have lost 7 points in the span of only two years. See Third Way Greenberg Quinlan Rosner National Poll, January 13-18, 2009, 917 likely voters.

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4 Support for marriage went from 29% to 43% after adding the phrase if the law guaranteed that no church or congregation would be required to perform marriages for gay couples. Robert P. Jones and Daniel Cox, American Attitudes on Marriage Equality: Findings from the 2008 Faith and American Politics Study, Public Religion Research, February 2008. Accessed September 5, 2011. Available at: http://www.publicreligion.org/objects/uploads/fck/ file/HRC%20Final%20Draft%281%29.pdf.

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3 There were several other commitment-related messages and statements that also demonstrated the frameworks effectiveness. For example, 60% of respondents in our poll agreed that allowing gay couples to marry would help committed couples take care of each other and their families. That included 63% of Independents, 78% of those who rated themselves 5s on the comfort scale, and the same number of grudging acceptors. And 61% of all respondents thought the following statement described the issue of marriage for gay couples very well or pretty well: I believe gay couples want to marry for similar reasons as anyone to make a public promise of love and commitment. That group included 80% of grudging acceptors, 77% of those who were 5s on the comfort scale, and 93% of soft supportersthose who had ranked themselves a 6 through 8.

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