OWN THE

LINE
Vlf

.th

JOHN HENRY

m HUGH
MC HUGH

Take a satchel and the tongs and haul it away

ice"

Page

OE CALIF. LIBRAHY, LOS AJiGSLES

DOWN THE

LINE

BY

HUGH McHUGH
"JOHN

AUTHOR OF

HENRY"

ILLUSTRATIONS BY McKEE BARCLAY.

G. W. PUBLISHERS

DILLINGHAM CO.
NEW YORK

COPYRIGHT,

1901,

BY

G. VV.

DILLINGHAM Co.

All rights reserved

Any

infringement of copyright will be strictiy

dealt with according to law-

DOWN THE LINE

WITH JOHN HENRY

To:
Pete and the Little Man, two of the best
ever
believe

me!
John Henry.

2137145

CONTENTS.
JOHN HENRY AT THE RACES,
-

13

JOHN HENRY AND THE DRUMMERS,

JOHN HENRY IN BOHEMIA,
-

29
-

47
63

JOHN HENRY AND THE HOTEL CLERK,

JOHN HENRY AND THE BENZINE BUGGY, 77

JOHN HENRY AT THE MUSICALE,

JOHN HENRY PLAYS GOLF,
-

89

99

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
TAKE A SATCHEL AND THE ICE-TONGS AND HAUL IT AWAY."
"A

BUNCH OF BRISK
ME!"

BOYS

BELIEVE

"

WHEN CLARA
MASS OF

JANE AROSE, SHE

"

WAS A

ICICLES

"WE

GET
"

IT

GOOD AND PLENTY EVERY

DAY
"FOR

SAID STEVE.

A CHASER SHE WORE ONE OF THOSE FEATHER BOAS."

"HE

GATHERED THE GOURD UP UNDER

CHIN."

His
"JAKE

INVITED

HER

TO

JOIN

THE

HUNTING

PARTY."

JOHN HENRY AT THE RACES

JOHN HENRY AT THE RACES.

WAS anxious to make Clara Jane

I
I

think that she was

all

the money,

so I boiled out a few plunks,

trotted over to the trolley,

and rushed

her to the race track.

a dub on the dope, but

it

was
the

my
I

play to be a

Wise Boy among

distance.

skates on this particular occasion,

and

went the whole

In the presence of

my

lady love I

knew every horse

harrow.
Isn
t it

that ever pulled a

cruel

how

a slob will cut the

14

JOHN HENRY

guy-ropes and go up in the air just because his Baby is by his side ?

Me

to the

mountain tops

Before the car got started I was tell ing her how Pittsburg Phil and I win
$18,000
last
"

summer on
Benzine."

a fried fish

they called

Then
I

confided to her the fact that

" "

Pink Toes doped a turtle named to win the next day, but he went over
the fence after a loose bunch of grass

and

I lose $23,680.

She wanted

to

know what

meant

by dope, and I told her it generally meant a sour dream, but she didn t seem
to grab.

When we
so
I

got to the track they were

first race,

bunching the bones for the

told

Clara Jane
to the ring

thought

crawl

down

and plaster two

AT THE RACES
or three thousand around needy.

15

among

the

Two

or three thousand, and

me
!

with

nothing but a five-spot in

the return ticket
"

my

jeans and

money

in that

Are you
Sure
"

really

going
"

to bet?

"

she

asked.
"

I said

ve got a pipe

"

"

Well, I hope you

won
"

smoke

it

near me.
"

I hate pipes
;

she said.
pipe

All right
the
"

ll

take

my

down

to

there

betting ring and smoke it I said, and we parted good

friends.

In front of the grand stand

met

Nash

Martinetti.

He was

holding a bunch of poppies

in the first race

and he picked out one and handed it to me.

l6

JOHN HENRY
"A

skinch!"

said Nash.

"Go

as

far as

you

like."

Then Ned Rose went

leptic state

into a cata

and handed
It

me
t

the win

ner

by a block.
it s

couldn

go wrong
real

unless
"

feet fell out.

are,

Here you
"

John Henry, the

"

Pietro

said

Ban Roberts
believe

play
!

Pump

Handle

straight and place

It s

the road to wealth

me!
"

All

the others are behind the

hill

ferent

Every Breezy Boy I met had a dif hunch and they called me into
I figured
it

the wharf and unloaded.

out that

if

had bet

$5 on each good thing they gave I would have lost $400,000.

me

Then
stein

ducked under, sopped up a of root beer and climbed up

I

again to the hurricane deck.

AT THE RACES
"Did

17

you

bet?"

inquired

Clara

Jane.
"

Only
o
shells."

$730,"

I said

"

mere bag

leave a call for 7.30 every

I

morn

ing and

suppose that

the reason I

was so swift with the

"

figures.
"

My

what a

lot of

money

said

the Fair

One
!

"

do point out the horse

be awfully inter
"

you bet on
Carlo
I I

I shall
!

ested in this race

!

you

re a

bad dog

lie

down

pointed out the favorite as the one

had

my

bundle on, and explained to

Clara Jane that the only

lose

way

it

could
to

was

for

some sore-head

get

out and turn the track around.

into port

Sure enough the favorite galloped and dropped anchor six hours

ahead of the other clams.

18

JOHN HENRY
I

win

over

$2,200

conversation
in

money

and Bonnie Brighteyes was

to

a frenzy of delight.

She wanted
save

know

if I

wasn

ing to be awfully careful with

it

it

go and

up

for a rainy day.

I

I told

her yes, but

expected

we d
she d

have a storm that afternoon.

I

had a nervous

chill for fear

declare herself in on the rake-off.

But she didn

t,

so I excused myself

and backed down the ladder to cash

in.

The boys were all out in the inquest room trying to find out what killed
the dead ones.

Then they stopped apologizing

to

themselves and began to pick things

out of the next race and push them

up

their sleeves.

AT THE RACES
I ran across

19

Harry Maddy and he

took

me up

to the roof with a line of

"Pretty Boy"

talk about a horse called

in the last race.
"

He

ll

be over 80 to
insisted.

I
"

and

it s

Harry bank when the doors open and grab all you can. Take a satchel and the ice-tongs and haul it away."
killing."

Get down

to the

was beginning to be impressed. fiver on Pretty Boy," Harry and you ll find yourself continued,
I
"

Put a

"

dropping over in the Pierp Morgan class before sun down."

"This

may

be a real

Alexander,"

said to myself.
"

Pretty
to

Boy can

stop in the stretch

still

do a song and dance and

houses,"

win by

a bunch of

Harry informed

me.

20
I
"

JOHN HENRY
began to think hard.

Don

miss

it,"

said Harry.

"

It s

a moral that
die rich

if you play him you ll and disgraced, like our friend

Andy, the Hoot

Mon

"

When
The

got back to the stand

air.

had

a preoccupied

five-spot in

my

jeans was crawl

ing around and begging for a change

of scene.

When
much
I

Clara Jane asked

me how
just about

had bet on the race

to start I could only think of $900.

When
horse
I

she wanted to

know which
one over

pointed

my

finger at every toad

"that

on the track and said

"

there
It

won.
the end of the third race I

At

was

$19,218 to the good.

AT THE RACES
Clara Jane had
it

21
in black

down

and

white on the back of an envelope in

figures that couldn
t lie.

She

said she
s

and that

was very proud of me, where my finish bowed po

really very

litely and stood waiting. She told me that it was

wrong
that

to bet

run of luck,

any more after such a and made me promise

I wouldn t wring another dollar from the trembling hands of the poor Bookmakers.

promised, but she didn

I

notice

that
I

had

my

fingers crossed.
to

simply had

have a

roll to flash

on the way home, so I took my lonely and went out into the Promised
after the nuggets
to.

Land

Maddy had

put

me

wise

22
"

JOHN HENRY
It will

be just like getting

Peter,"

money

from Uncle
"A

I figured.
Boy,"

small steak from Pretty

to
"

said

maker;

Wise Samuel, what s doing?

"

the

Book

Wise Samuel gave me

over.
"

the gay look-

Take the
said.

ferry for Sioux Falls

"

he
"

Nix on
"

the smart talk,

for the Pretty

Sammy
Boy
!

"

I said

Me

How
on a

much?"
"

bundle for a bite

"

you

re

cold plate

but he couldn
"

whispered Wise Samuel, t throw me.

don

see

any derricks to hoist

I

the price
"

with,"

tapped him.
ticket,

Write your own

then you

to the

woods

"

said

Sammy.
was up and
I

In a minute

my

fiver

AT THE RACES win $500 when cute one came romping home.

23

was on the card

to

my

went back to Clara Jane satisfied that in a few minutes I d have a roll
I

big enough to choke the tunnel.

"

Not having any money on

you can watch and
it

this

race

without the least

she said.

excitement, can
I said yes,

t you?"

all

the while I

was

scrapping with a lump in

the size of

my

throat

my
in

fist.

When
Pretty

the

horses got

away with

Boy

front I started in to

stand on

my

head, but changed

half

my
pro

mind and swallowed

gram.
Pretty

the

Boy

at the quarter!

Me

for

Rector

s till

they put the shutters up!

at the half!

Pretty

Boy

Me down

24
to Tiffany
tiaras
s

JOHN HENRY
in the
in

morning dragging
!

away

a dray

Pretty

Boy

at the three-quarter pole

all

Me

doing the free library gag

!

over

the place

But just as they came

Pretty

in the stretch

Boy forgot something and went

it.

back after

The roach

quit

me

cold at the very

door of the safety deposit vaults. I was under the water a long time.
Finally
"

Isn

it

heard Clara Jane saying, lucky you didn t bet on this

I

race.

I believe

you would have picked

"

that foolish looking horse that stopped

over there to bite the fence

"

done

turn
I

me

over

"

mur

mured, and then

rushed down

among
home.

the ramblers and

made

a swift touch

for the price of a couple of rides

AT THE RACES

25

On
me
I

the

way back

Clara Jane

made

promise again that I d be awfully,

awfully careful of

my
I

$19,218.

promised her

would.

JOHN HENRY WITH THE DRUMMERS.

A bunch of brisk boys believe me Page 29.

"

JOHN HENRY WITH THE DRUMMERS.

was a swift squad of sports
that
al

IT

climbed into a coach and

over the

lowed themselves to be yanked rails in the direction of Chica

last

go one morning

week.
believe

A bunch
Barnes

of brisk boys

me

Nick Dalrymple, Tod Stone, Slim say do you remember Slim ?

!

Travels for a clothing house in Cin

cinnati

and they

call

him Slim because

he

so fat that every time he turns

around he meets himself coming back.

30

JOHN HENRY

He s all to the good And such a cut-up

!

that

boy

is

Slim
there
s -

knows
a
-

more
-

"look-out!

lady

over

there

!"

stories

than any other

ness.

drummer

in the busi

Nick goes after the gilt things for a hardware house in Columbus and he

knows everybody
one
living.

in the

world

bar no

Nick has only one

trouble, he will

paddle after the ponies.

Whenever he makes
there
s

a town where

a pool

room

his

expense ac

count gets fat and beefy, and Nick be

gins to worry for fear he

may win

something.

He won

$12 in Cleveland once and

s

he spent $218 at a boozeologist

that

WITH THE DRUMMERS

night getting statistics on
pened.

31
it

how

hap

Tod Stone cuts ice for a match fac tory in Newark and he s the life of
a small party.

Tod

main hold

is

to creep into the

"reading

room

"

of a

Rube

hotel after

the chores are done of an evening

and

throw salve

at the

come-ons.
that their

Tod

tells

them

town

is

the brightest spot on the

map and
to

they

warm up

to

him and want

and root
beer.

buy him

sarsaparilla

Then when he
themselves he
"

gets

them stuck on
and

sells

them matches.
to quarters
all

Pipe the
"

gang

rubber

said Slim, about half an

hour

after the train pulled out.

In the seat ahead of us a somewhat

demure looking Proposition

in

rain-

32

JOHN HENRY
rags had been sampling the scen

bow

ery ever since

we

started.

We had all given her the glad glance

but she was very
so

much Cold

Storage,

we passed it up. As Slim spoke, the

Proposition was
loose

joined by a
face

young chap with a

who had

been out in the smoking

faithfully

room working

on one of

those pajama panatella cigars that bite

you on the ringer

sign of fear.

if

you show the

least

Just then the train stopped for a few

minutes and
fact that
it

we were put wise

to the

was an incurable case of

bride and groom.

"

Oh
!

Boozey
said

is

back

to

his
;

Birdie
"

"

the

brand new wife

"

did Boozey like his

smoky woky ?

Boozey opened a bunch of grins and

WITH THE DRUMMERS

sat

33

down

while wifey patted his cheek

:

and cooed
"

Is urns glad to get

"

back to urns

ittle

wifey-pifey?

Nick Dalrymple and Tod Stone be gan to scream inwardly and Slim was
chuckling like a pet porpoise.
"

Sweetie

mustn
"

Petie, but Sweetie

ittle

is

angry with sitting on Petie s

be

whereup on Tod exploded and Slim began to

!

hand

said the bride,

grab for his breath. A Dutch brewer and his wife

sat

right ahead of Boozey and Birdie and every once in a while the old hop

puncher would turn around and beam

benignly over the gold rims at the
bride.
"

Boozie

closer to his Coozie

must snuggy-wuggy up and skeeze her

34
itty

JOHN HENRY

arm
!

no, no, not her waist

"

you

naughty naughty The brewer was back

!

at the bride

with

another
his

gold-rimmed

goo-goo

when
in:
"

wife got nervous and cut

Is id

you turn your face

"

to see

someding yes snapped, and the foam builder ducked to the window
?

she

and began

to eat scenery.
;

Dalrymple was almost out Tod was under the seat sparring for wind Slim
;

was giving an imitation of a coalbarge in a heavy sea, and the rest of

the passengers were in various stages

from hiccoughs
"

to convulsions.
his
itty

Is

Boozey comfy wif

Birdie?"

weeny teeny
bride.
"

chirped

the

Boozey

is

so

happy wif

his izzy

WITH THE DRUMMERS

"

35
"

wizzy

gurgled the husband

"

how

my
"

ittle

girley wirly

Oh

she
"

such a happy wappy

ittle

fing

giggled the dotty dame,

pinching her piggie

the brewer tried to

whereupon hand the bride an

s ear,

other gasoline gaze, but the old lady

caught him with the goods Is id to my face you go behind

:
"
"

my

back to make googley-googley eyes she growled, and ad somevun yes ?

in

a minute the brewer

brow was

busy with the

"

window

pane.

Sweetie looks at Petie and Sweetie

sees that Petie s

etty face
"

is

getting

sunburned, so
"

it

is

cuckooed Mrs.

Daffy

and Sweetie has a dood mind

"

to tiss him, too

They opened

a newspaper, crawled

36

JOHN HENRY
bite

under cover and began to

other on the chin.
"

each

Go

"

as far as

you

like

said Slim,

then he went

The man Weehawken famous had the window watching

"

down and out. who helped to make

his

head out
an
ice-

for

wagon, and Mrs. Brewer was indus

triously muttering

Du

bist ein

Narr

Du

bist ein

Narr

"

Just then the train pulled out and

saved out

lives.

Nick, Tod, Slim and

went over

near the water-cooler to rest up, and

in a

minute the three of them were

fanning each other with fairy tales

about the goods they sold.

back these three boys to dream longer than any other drummers on
I
ll

the track.

WITH THE DRUMMERS

It s

37

a pipe that they can

all

sell bills to

each other
up.

day and never wake

Slim turned the gas on to the limit

about hypnotizing a John

Wanamaker
Indi

merchant prince

in

Pikesville,

ana, to the extent of $200 for open

work

socks, farmer

size,

and Todd

Stone sent his balloon up by telling us

how he

sold the

Siegel-Coopers of

Bngsport, Iowa, $300 worth of Pana

ma

hats for horses.

session

The Hot Air Association was in full when Buck Jones caromed
us.

over from the other end of the car and

weighed-in with

Buck

is

a sweller.
all

He
bad.

thinks he strikes twelve on

is

occasions, but his clock

all

to the

38

JOHN HENRY

Buck

isn

drummer
!

nay! nay!

take back your gold

He
and

ll

look you straight in the eye

tell

you he

a travelling salesman
!

nix on the
I

drummer

think

Buck

sells

canned

shirt

waists for the Shine Brothers.

Buck

wife and a three-year-old

t

were traveling with him, but he wasn

giving
it

out through a megaphone.

is

Buck

one of those goose-headed

begin to scratch gravel and

guys who
start in to

make

a killing every time

girl.

they see a pretty

Across the

aisle sat

two

pet canaries

from

Plainfield,

New

Jersey.

They were members of the Soubrette Stinging Society and they were
en
route
to

the

West

to

join

the

WITH THE DRUMMERS

"

39

Bunch

of

Birds

Burlesque

Com
Tillie

pany."

Their names were Millie and

and they wore Florodora hats and did a sister act that contained more bad

grammar than an East

game.
Millie

Side pinochle

was

fully

aware that she

could back Duse off the map, and Tillie

was ready
she could

to bet a

week
storm

salary
feel

that

make Bernhardt
in the

like she

was out

we had

day before yesterday. Slim called them the Roast-Beef

Sisters,

Rare and Well-done.

In a minute the castors on

Buck

neck began to turn.

Slim put us wise with a wink so we lit the fire and began to cook it up.

40

JOHN HENRY

Buck
"

heart

was warming
"

for the

birds in the gilded cage.

The

real

Kibo

said Slim

"

it

a plain case of
is

over and they are yours,

Appomattox; Buck

the
!

war
"

Buck turned
"

a few

more

volts into

his twinkling lamps.

Lower your
;

mainsail, Buck,

and

drop alongside
ing,"

you ve made the land

and
bald

suggested Nick.
to feel his necktie

Buck began

play patty-cake

with the

little

spot on the top of his head.

"

Stop the hansom and

re at

get

out

you

your

corner,"

said Tod.

The Sweet Dreams

across the

way

were giving Buck the glorious eye-roll and he felt that dinner \vas ready.
"

Hang up your

hat,

Buck,

and

WITH THE DRUMMERS

gather the myrtle with
"

4!
I

Mary

chipped

in.

to

Then Buck bounced over and began show Millie and Tillie what a hand
at close quarters.

some brute he was

He

sat

on the arm of the

seat

and

steamed up. In less than a minute he crowded

the information on

them

that he

was a

millionaire

who had
in

escaped from Los

Angeles, Cal.,
to put
his
aisle
"

and he was just going

grand opera when

them both

three-year-old toddled

down

the

and grabbed him by the coat tail: Mama wants oo to det my Papa
!
"

bottle of milk
"
"

"

Stung Back

.shrieked Slim.
"

to

the

nursery

howled

Tod, and then as Buck crawled away to home and mother we let out a yell

42

JOHN HENRY

that caused the conductor to think the

train

had struck a Wild West show.

trip

During the rest of the was nailed to his seat.

Every time he
in his

Buck

tried to use the elastic

neck the wife would burn him

glitter.

with a hard, cold

The Roast-Beef
all

Sisters

seemed

to be

carved

up about

something

or

other.

We

were back to the shop

selling

things again when Sledgeheimer flut tered down among us. The boys call him putty because he s
the next thing to a pane.

He

such a stingy loosener that he

s

looks at you with one eye so

not to

waste the other.

If

you ask Sledgeheimer what time

WITH THE DRUMMERS

it

43

is

he takes off four minutes as his

telling you.

commission for
"

Barnes,"
"

said

Sledgeheimer.

"do

you smoke ? It was a knock-out.

In the annals of the road no one
could look back to the proud day

when

Sledgeheimer had coughed.

Once, so the legend runs, he gave
a porter a nickel, but
it

was

after

wards discovered that Sledgeheimer

was asleep and not responsible

time, so the porter gave
it

at the

back.

Sledgeheimer

tried to collect three

cents interest for the time the porter

kept the nickel, and the conductor had

to

punch

his mileage

and

his nose be

fore he d let go.

And now
Barnes
if

Sledgeheimer had asked he smoked.

44

JOHN HENRY
Slim was pale but game. he answered. Sometimes
"

"

"

Do you

like

"

goot

seegar ?

queried Sledgeheimer.

We
"

looked for the engine to hit a

cow any minute now.

Sure
"

said Slim,

weak

all

over.
"here

"Veil,"

said

Sledgeheimer,
s

is

my

brudder-in-law

card.

He

makes dot Grass Vidow seegar on Gif him a call und Sigsth Afenue.
mention
see you,

my

name.

He

vill

be glat to

yet."

Then Sledgeheimer went away back

and
,

sat

down.
so he got

The laugh was on Slim

busy with the button.

JOHN HENRY

IN

BOHEMIA

JOHN HENRY IN BOHEMIA.

OYS
!

let

me

put you wise

of?

If

you want to keep griddle don t ever

the
to

try

show your shy

little
"

lady friend

how

the birdies sing in

Bohemia."
if you do. months Clara Jane

You

ll

get stung
six

For the past

like to

has been handing out hints that she d

have

me

take her

down

the line
!

and

let

her Oh, listen to the band

in

one of those real devilish

restaurants.

New York
like to sit

She intimated that she d

in the

grand stand and hold the watch

48

JOHN HENRY

on those who are going the pace that

kills.

She wanted

to

know

if

thought

she could toy with a tenderloin steak

in a careless cafe without getting the
call

down from Uncle William.

s

Clara Jane

Uncle William hands

leaflets

out

the

lesson

in

Sunday

school and wrestles the Golden Rule

to a finish every Sabbath.

During the week he conducts a

sale.

fire

she was pleased.

"

m just crazy to take

among
the

lunch,
!

some
"

time,

Bohemians

she

gurgled.
I

told her

I
if

though she d have a

happier time

we tramped down

to

the tunnel and butted in

among

the

IN BOHEMIA
Italians

49
o clock

just

as

the

twelve

whistle

blew,

and

she

threw both

lamps
at

at

me good and

hard.

Clara Jane spent the

summer once

Sag Harbor and she s been a sub scriber for The Young Ladies Home
Companion, but outside of these her

young
ment.

life

has been devoid of excite

few days ago

"

took her to the

"

matinee

at

The New York

where
and

you have

to pinch off only 50 cents

then you re entitled to slosh around in

parlor furniture and eat up about $8

worth of comedy. That "New York" thing

believe

is

immense

me

Everything else has faded away. After the show we thought we d pat

50

JOHN HENRY

the pave for a few blocks and

who

should

we run into but Bud Phillips. Bud belongs to the Grand Lodge of Good Fellows.
So
far as
I

can size him up the

Good Fellow
trying to

puts in twelve hours a

stab himself to death day with gin rickeys, and the other twelve are devoted to yelling for help and ice-

water.

This

is

not a tap on the door.

Nix

on the knock.
It isn t

my
it

cue to aim the hammer.

to falling off the
bit

When

comes
I

water wagon
specialty in

can do a
lofty

of a

grand and

tumbling
all

that gets

a loud
of the

hand from

the

members
tion.

High Tide Associa

the knock.

So nix on

His father cut out the breathing

IN BOHEMIA

51
left

business about

two years ago and

Bud $100,000 and

the inside.

a long dry spell on

Bud
"As

has been in the lake ever since.

you were!
!

"said

Bud.

"Why,

it

s
?

pal

John Henry and then

"

touch thumbs, old

in a side speech

he

wanted
brette
If
finish

to

know what troupe

cutting-up with.

the sou-

wa s

Clara Jane had heard him

my

would have hopped over the fence then and there.

But she didn
t,

so I introduced

them

and quietly tipped Bud

that
it

off to the fact

will be a case of

wedding

bells
!

when
nice!

Willie gets a

wad

be nice

be

And Bud woke up to the You to the carryall

"

occasion.
"

he

said.

52
"

JOHN HENRY
ll

float
ll

you down

to

Muttheimer
"

and we
"

He s
I I

get busy with the beans out to cough for a few cook
!

ies,"
"

explained to Clara Jane.

s

never heard of Muttheimer

be

fore,"
"

said Clara Jane, on the side.

You
But

luck has given you a thrownI

down,"
"

said.

do hope
"

it s Bohemian,"

she

sighed.
"

Sure

I said.

hated to break

her heart.

Muttheimer

s is

one of those eateries

where the waiters look wi se because

they can
If
at
t

speak English.

you ask them a question they bark

in

you
It s

German.

supposed to be Bohemian be
s

cause there
the
flies

sawdust on the

floor

and

wear pajamas and

-say

"Pro-

IN
"

BOHEMIA

53

sit

before falling in the stuff that

you swallow to-day and taste to-mor

row.

Bud bunches
hug on

his hits

on the

bell

and

the low-forehead has a Fitzsimmons

the order

when Ikey Mincentable.

pizetrstein crawls into the harbor and

drops anchor at our

I

don

know

how

Ikey

ever

pressed close enough to get on

staff.

Bud

Ikey

is

a lazy loosener.
the waiter deals out the check

When
Ikey
is

the busiest talker in the bunch.

Whenever he
off his hat

passes a bank he takes

r

and w alks on
of a

his toes.

He
who

the sort

Sim Dempsey
tears

sheds

in-growing
spends

every
in

time anybody

money

his

neighborhood.

54

JOHN HENRY

He
why

hates to see

it

wasted, and that

his whiskers peep out of his face

and worry the wind.

But, then, a

Good Fellow doesn

fast

have
I

to

go

to sea to gather barnacles.

spoke

hrs

name

when

I intro

duced Ikey to Clara Jane but she was

busy trying to

live a swift life

it

by or
didn
t

dering a seltzer lemonade, so

make much
"

difference,

anyway.

What
"

is

he

"

she whispered after

"

bit,
"

a painter ?
!

Oh
"

he

a painter

all

right,"

said.

When some

one leads him up

"

to a
"

tub."

Water-colors or
Oil,"

oil ?

she asked.

"

said

"Fusel

oil."

"

Has
"

he

ever

done

any

good

thing?

said she.
I said; "Bud
Phillips."

"Yes,"

IN BOHEMIA
I

55

"Oh,

enjoying this so much!

Who

is

the

man

with the fawn-like

eyes and the long hair at that other

table?"

she whispered.

the night-watchman of the house next door but I gave apartment her an easy speech to the effect that

He was

he was
old

Bill

Beethoven, a grandson of
the

man Beethoven who wrote

"

Mah Rainbow wedding march and Coon" and "Father Was a Gentleman
When Mother Wa s Not Near
several other gems.
"

and

She thought she was in Bohemia and having the time of her life, so I
let

her dream.

In the meantime ing to

Budd was busy

fire

try

put out the

in

the well

Ikey used for a neck.

Every time a waiter looked over

at

56
out table

JOHN HENRY

would blaze up. Clara Jane concluded she d broaden out a bit on Art and the Old Masters
s roll

Bud

so she asked Ikey

if

he

liked

Rem

brandt.

Ikey looked at her out of the cor

ner
of

one eye and

"

said,

Much
"

bliged, but I

up

to here

now

Then he went

to sleep.
to see double.

Bud was beginning

to whistle
"

Every once in a while he d stop trying

Sallie,

My

Hot

Tamale,"

and he d look over

at Clara

Jane and

hand her a

sad, sad smile.

Then he d
er
s

press

money

in the

wait

hand and wait for

hi s

music cue.

Clara Jane had about decided that

Bohemia was away up stage, but wouldn t let go. I wanted her

to

IN BOHEMIA

57

get the lesson of her

life,

and that

where

my

finish

began
in a

to get busy.

Tom
making
"

Barclay waltzed into the sub

way, saw

me and
hello,
I

minute he was
life.

the break of his

"Why,

Tom,
she
s

say,

John Henry!" said saw her to-day and

immense!

You

ve got a great

eye, old
I

man

"

tossed off a few wicked winks on

that great eye of

mine but

Tom

went

right along
"

to the funeral.
is

Lizzie B.

a peach, John

Henry

You
all

ve got the eye for the good

"

girls,

right, all right

he chortled.

Clara Jane began to freeze.

I

felt

like

a boiled potato in the

hands of an Irish policeman. She s every bit to the good, old

"

man

"

Tom

turned

it

on again

"

she

58

JOHN HENRY
all

makes
cage.

the other birds chatter in the

And
"

her feet

did you ever see

such feet
I

looked at Clara Jane

face,

but
for

there

was no

light in the

window

me.
"

You

certainly picked out a

warm

proposition

when you put your arms

I

around Lizzie B. and

for life for hauling
iot

your friend
in the char

me up
ll

with

you

what

you
I
"

have ?

"

croaked Tom.
"

Thirty-two bars
"

rest,"

whispered

hoarsely
"

cut

it

all

out
"

Cut out nothing

"We ll
ll

said the prize to

idiot;

drink

Lizzie
have?"

B.

What

your lady friend

When ma ss of
"

Clara Jane arose she was a

icicles.
!

Mr. John Henry

will

you have

She was

mass

of icicles

when she arose/

Page

58.

IN

BOHEMIA

59
"

the kindness to escort

me

to a car?

she said, giving

"

me

the glittering gig-

lamps,

then you

may

return and dis

cuss your affairs of the heart at your

leisure."
" "

said Bud, bringing his Stung hand down on the table so vigorously
!

that Ikey

woke up and ordered an

Badlands!
It

other high-ball.

Me

to the

took

me

three mortal hours to convince her that

Tom was

only talking about a horse.

Hereafter

for something swift I

when Clara Jane yearns ll take her down

and
by.

let

her watch the trolley cars go

JOHN HENRY AND THE HOTEL

CLERK.
Jim Wilkin were leaning over the counter talking to His
I

BARCLAY,

KEE
had eaten
"

son and

Nobs, the Hotel Clerk, when

Dan

the

Dyspeptic squeezed up and began to let a peep out of him about the pie he
for dinner.
"

Calm
"

yourself
tell

said
it

Smiling
bit
you."

Steve,

and

me where
time,

Steve has been throwing keys at

the wall for

some

and he knows

how
"

to

burn the beefers.

Bit

me

bit

me

"

snarled the old

66

JOHN HENRY
into the ring for the

Drummer, hopped
next round.

Willie peddles pickles for the fun

he gets of
It is

it.

Willie

joy and delight to get

"

a ginger ale bun on and recite

Joe."

Ostler

When
"

trained

down

to 95 flat Willie

can get up and beat the clapper off

Curfew Shall Not Ring

To-night."

When
on
"

Willie gets a strangle hold

s

Sheridan

Ride

"

you can hear

horses galloping outside.

It s the rest

of the
s

community get

ting out of
"

harm
"

way.

Any
is

mail

inquired Willie.

All the mail that Willie ever gets

a postal card from the pickle factory

if

every two weeks asking him

the

AND THE HOTEL CLERK

people along his route have
their appetites.
"

6^
all

lost

No

literature for

you,"

Steve an

swered.
"Strange,"

said Willie,

"my

lady
"

friends are very remiss, aren

"

they ?

Yes

it

looks like they were out

piano,"

to

drop you behind the

said

Steve.

Willie tore off a short rabbit laugh

and then inquired what time the next train left for New York.

The

pickle factory expects Willie to

make

Pocomoke

City,

Squashtown

Junction and Nubbinsville before next

out just to
there
"

Sunday, so he tossed the train gag show Steve that he knows

s

a place called

New

York.

At

7.45 over the D. L.

&

O.,"

said

Steve.

68
"What s
lie.
"At

JOHN HENRY
the
next?"

inquired

Wil

8.10 over the

H. B.

&

N.,"

Steve answered.
"Which

gets

there

first?"

Willie

asked.
"

The

engineer,"

sighed Steve.
"

"

Oh, you
pickle pusher
picks."
;

droll
"

chap

said

the

give

me some

tooth

Then Sweet William went over

stuck his feet up on the brass
toothpicks and thought he

to

the big window, burrowed into a chair,

rail,

ate

was IT.

got back to Steve he was dealing out the cards to a lady from Reading, Pa., and Kee and Jim had
I

When

ducked to the

billiard

room.
j>

Her husband had been up

with a

in the air

bum

automobile and when he

AND THE HOTEL CLERK

came down he was
shy.

69
sections

several

They found
bedded
couldn
t

monkey wrench im
which he
using when he

in his left shoulder

remember

tried to fix the machine.

She was traveling for

"

his health.
elevator,"

My
I

room

is

too near the

she informed Steve.

"

can give you a very nice room

floor

on the third
"

Front! show the

lady
"

Same
Yes,

size

room ?

"

"

Madam."

"Same
"

colored carpet on the floor?

it

"

I believe
"

has

Front

show

the

lady
"

Southern exposure?
Yes,

"

"

Madam,

it

s at

the end of the

hall."

70
"

JOHN HENRY
I

want a room near the

always the way
get

elevator,

that

in these hotels!

One can never

wants
deed
!

just

what one
hall,

At the end of the

in

"

And

with this she gave Steve

the Society sting with both eyes and

flounced out.

Steve bit the end off a pen holder

and said the

Just

rest internally.

then

couple

of

troupers

trailed in.

They were with

Co.,"

the

"

Bandit

Bride

and the way had been long and

double ?
"

weary.
"

What have you

got

asked the
"

villain of the piece.

Two

dollars

and up

"

said Steve.

"Nothing

better?"

inquired

Low

Comedy

he was making a crack but

nobody caught him.

AND THE HOTEL CLERK

"

71

Four

dollars,

with

bath,"

Steve

suggested.
"

Board ?

"

asked the

villain.

"

Nothing but the sleeps and a fresh

soap,"

cake of
"

said Steve.
"

"

in

Low Comedy put Ring down Why, we lived a whole week in

!

Pittsburg for less than

"

that."

You

can turn the same trick here

sleep

if

you carry your own coke and

Park,"

in the
"

said Steve.

What

the

name

of this mint

"

asked the

villain.

Steve told him.

"

To

the tow-path
"

"

said

Barrett
the
life

Macready
lines.

we

re

outside
it

thought wurst Hotel where they throw things

We

was the Liver-

your appetite for $i a day, double. To the left, wheel Forward, march
at
!

!"

72

JOHN HENRY
its

and once more the drama was on

way.

As Low Comedy turned proudly on

his heel

he threw upon the counter

a printed card.

Steve had

it

framed and glued

to the

wall next day.

It

read as follows.

HOTEL RULES HELP YOURSELF.

RULE
Papa.
I.

We
Eat

cash no checks drawn on

He s
2.

a dead one.
all

RULE RULE
first
tite.

our booze you want

to,

but go elsewhere and select your snakes.

3.

Don
She

call the waitress

name.

s liable to spoil

by her your appe

RULE

4.

Guests
will find

who
the
!

desire

to
in

have
the

nightmare

harness

restaurant, so back up

AND THE HOTEL CLERK

73

We

RULE 5. To prevent guests from carry ing fruit from the table we ll have no fruit. re lucky to have the table. RULE
and
sit
6.

If

you

feel tired,

go away back

down.
of
the
fire

RULE 7. In case window and turn to RULE

from what
8.

jump out

the

left.

Breakfast from 4 to 3; dinner

to

hand
s left

mouth,

and supper from

over.

RULE
office

9.

Hug
don
t

as

many

please, but

wave

high-balls as you the red flag in the

you might disturb Harold Spotwood, the room clerk. He was out late last
night.

RULE

10.

If

kick the bell-boy.

you don t Apply

like

your room,

at the office for

spiked shoes.

RULE
want ask
hard!

ii.

If
it

for

you don t see what you and you ll get it good and

RULE
have
tides.

12.

one
It

the bar-keeper to let you our justly celebrated high will do you good.

Ask

of

74

JOHN HENRY
13.

RULE

Try our boneless potato

salad;

apply to the night watchman.

RULE
RULE
you.

14.

All the shines are not in the

barber shop.
15.

Lie down, Fido.

That

will

be about

all

from

JOHN HENRY AND THE BENZINE BUGGY.

JOHN HENRY AND THE BEN

ZINE BUGGY.
dub

ACROSS-COUNTRY doing the Shine specialty

around Clara Jane
lately.

named Montrose has been

began to call evenings and a bunch of ready-grown flowers bring

with him as big as a hay stack.

He

Then he d spread around

and
tell

the parlor

her

how he won
jump

the long-dis

tance running
class.

in the

01 Yale

As you approached him from

the

78
front the

JOHN HENRY
first

name you saw was

Edgerton

Clar

ence

Clarence
t

Montrose.

Wouldn
I

that slap

you

don

think Clara Jane considered

him the
fast

real kittens, but

he could talk

and use long words and she found and shade

I

him

pleasant company. She said she loved to

sit

her eyes with the $8 fan

gave her

and

listen to

Clarence Edgerton Mont-

rose while he discoursed about Pales

tine
If

and the Holy Land. he was ever there he went

in a

hack.

That

the

trouble

with

some of

those college come-outs!

fessors beat

The Pro

them over the head with

a geography and then as soon as they get a

crowd around they begin

to

go

AND THE BENZINE BUGGY

to the places that struck
est.

79

them hard

As an
was

honest, hard-working

man

it

my

duty to put the boots to

Ed-

gerton and run him

down

the lane as

far as the eye could see.

So
with

framed up Clarence
attention to detail.

finish

much

I looked over Clara Jane s dates ahead and found that Clarence had

rented the house

matinee, so
I

for

Wednesday
in

hired one of those horse

less carriage things

and pulled up

front of the

windows

just about the

time

thought His Feathers would

be playing the overture.

I
cel

knew

that Clara Jane

would can
mutt that

the contract with the

in just as

mixed

soon as she saw the

automobile snap.

8o
I

JOHN HENRY
figured that the picture entitled

"The

True Lover
"

Departure

in the in

Dream Wagon
It

would put a crimp

Clarence about the size of a barn door.

was my

third or fourth time be

hind the lever of the busy barouche, but I was wise that you pulled the plug this way when you wanted it to go ahead, and you shoved it back when

you wanted

it

to stop.

When
I felt that

it

came

to benzine buggies

my

education was complete.

real

was George Gazazza, the

Ro

lando,

when

pulled up in front of
s

my

lady friend

front gate.

My

market price was

$18,000

square inch. In six minutes by the watch Clara

Jane was down and

caravan.

in

the kerosene

For a chaser she wore one of those feather boas." Page 81.

AND THE BENZINE BUGGY

Clarence hadn
t

81

arrived.

Somebody must have put him next, but I knew where he lived and I fig
ured
it

out that after

we came back

from Lonely Lane I d send the landau around and around the block he

camped

in

till

made him

dizzy.

Clara Jane was the feature of the

game. She was the

goods.

limit in ladies

dress

For a chaser she wore one of those

feather

boas that

feel

cool

because

they look so warm.

Well,

turned the horseless gag into

the shell road and cut loose.

were doing about 43 miles an hour and the birdies were singing on
the way.

We

Clarence

Edgerton Montrose was

82

JOHN HENRY
in

working
mines

Shaft No.

3,

back

in the
so.
life.

my

lady friend told

me

She was having the time of her I was her candy boy for sure.
Just then
the

something snapped and

started
for

machine

Portland,
in eight

Maine, on the basis of a mile

seconds.

Clara Jane grabbed

me around
lever.

the

neck and
"

The

eccentric
"

grabbed the has

I

buckled

the

thingamajig!

yelled,

pushing the

lever over to stop the carryall.

The thing gave me the horse jumped over a telegraph pole,

laugh,
bit its

way

through a barb-wire fence and

then started

down

the road at the rate

of 2,000,000 miles a minute.

"

Why don t you

lady friend.

"

stop

it ?

screamed

my

AND THE BENZINE BUGGY

"I

83

ll
"

be the goat; what

I said,

the an

swer ?

clawing the lever and

ducking the low bridges. We met a man on a bicycle and the

last I

saw of him

as

we whizzed by he

had found a
four blocks
into
it

soft spot in a field about

away and he was going

first.
it

head

We

kept his bicycle and carried

along on our smoke stack. I couldn t stop the thing to save

my

life.

Every time I yanked the lever the snap would let a chortle out of it s
puzzle

department and

fly

400

feet

straight through the air.

We

were headed for an old ash

heap, and

my

market price had gone

"

down to Don
"

three cents a ton.

t

jump

yelled to

my

lady

84

JOHN HENRY

friend, but the

wind whisked the

first

half of

my

sentence away.

Clara Jane gathered her skirts in

a bunch and did a flying leap out of
the crazy cab.

She landed right

that

in the

middle of

heap of fresh ashes

and she

made good.
All I could see was a great, gray

cloud as

pushed on to the next stand.

About half a mile further down the

road the machine concluded to turn
into a farm-yard
folks a treat.
It

and give the home

in the

went through a window

barn, out through a skylight, did the

hula dance over the lawn, and then

in the well

fell

and stayed
its

there, panting

as

though would break.

little

gas-engine heart

AND THE BENZINE BUGGY

85

When

limped back to Clara Jane

the storm signals were flying.

The
ser

She was away out on the ice. feather boa looked like the haw
on a canal boat, and the ashes had

changed the pattern of her dress goods. We were stingy talkers on the road
home.
It will

take

me two

years to square

myself.

Hereafter,

me

to the trolley

Me
I

to the saucy stage coach when due to gallop away and away
!

No more
sincerely
!

benzine buggies for yours

ouche
I

Never again for the bughouse bar Not me.

!

have only one consolation:

pried off the bicycle

The

chap we

was Clar

ence Edgerton Montrose.

86
It will

JOHN HENRY
take

him about three years

to find all the spots

and two months

that foolish-wagon

knocked
to

off

him.
Clara

Meantime,
Jane
s

hope

be

sugar buyer again.

JOHN HENRY AT THE MUSICALE.

JOHN HENRY AT THE

MUSICALE.
you ever get ready and go

DID
They

to a musicalef

Isn

t it

the velvet goods?

pulled off one at Jack Froth-

ingham s last Wednesday evening and I had to walk up and down the aisle
with the rest of the bunch.

Mind
tion.

you, I like Jack, so this

is

no

secret conclave of the

Anvil Associa

Only, I wish to put him wise that

when he

gives his next musicale

my

90
address
is

JOHN HENRY
Forest

Avenue,

in

the

woods.

When
Burnish

reached Jack
Brothers

house the

grabbing groutchy music out of a guitar that didn t want to give up, and the mad
revel

were

was on. The Burnish Brothers

Post
"

part
"

their

hair in the middle and always do

The
their

Washington
If

march on

mandolins for an encore.

Mr. Sousa ever catches them

ll

there

be a couple of shine chord-

squeezers

away

to the bad.

When

the Burnish Brothers took a

off

bow and backed

we were

all

in

vited to listen to a soprano solo by Miss Imogene Lukewarm. Somebody went around and locked

AT THE MUSICALE
the doors, so
die
I

91
to

made up my mind

game.
foolish friend once told

Imogene

she could sing, so she went out and

bought up a bunch of tra-la-la s and began to beat them around the parlor.

When Imogene
faces at herself.
If she needs a

sings

she

makes

after like she

was

high note she goes calling the dach

"

shund

in to dinner.

Imogene sang Sleep, Sweetly Sleep," and then kept us awake with
her voice.

After Imogene crept back to her

cave
ing,

we had

the

first treat

of the even
it

and the shock was so sudden

jarred us.

violin

Uncle Mil came out and quivered a The Lost obligato entitled
"

92

JOHN HENRY
in the Mountain,"
is.

Sheep
all

and

it

was

there

Uncle Mil was the only green spot

in the desert.

When

he gathered the gourd up un

der his chin and allowed the

tiptoe over the bridge

bow

to

you could hear

its

the nightingale calling to

I

mate.

wanted

to get

up a

petition asking

Uncle Mil

to play all the evening

all

and

make us
wouldn
t

happy, but Will Bruce

let

me.
t

Will said he wasn

feeling very well

and he wanted

to hear the rest of the

program and

feel

worse.

He

got his wish.

Sybil,

The next thing we had was

the Illusionist.

Sybil did a lot of

mouldy

tricks with
fell

cards and every few minutes she

He gathered the gourd up under his chin." Page 92.

AT THE MUSICALE

93
of

down and
hand.
Sybil

sprained

her

sleight

was a

polish for sure.

Then Swift McGee,

and
It

the

Boy Mono-

loguist, flung himself in the breach

told a

bunch of Bixbys.
cruel occasion.

was a

Swift had an idea that

to cracking

when

it

came

pull

Lew

merry booboos he could Dockstader off the horse and

the fence.

leave

him under

As

a monologuist Swift thought he

had George Fuller Golden half way across the bay, and Fred Niblo was
screaming for help. Swift often told himself that he
could
give

Marshall

P.

Wilder six

sure-fires

and beat him down to the

wire.

Swift

is

one of those low-foreheads

94

JOHN HENRY
"

who
"

write their
"

own

"

stuff

and say

done

it

After Swift had talked the audience

pushed on and left us with a stone bruise on our memories.

into a chill, he

Then we had Rufus Nelson,

parlor prestidigitator.

the

Rufus was a bad boy.

He

cooked an omelet

in a silk hat

and when he gave the hat back to Ed. Walker the poached eggs fell out and
cuddled up
in

Ed

s hair.

Rufus apologized and

the trick over again
if

said he d do

someone

else

would lend him a

nothing doing.

hat, but there

was

When
bells
in

the contralto crawled under

tell

the ropes and began to the village

us that the

rang ding-ding-

AT THE MUSICALE

95

dong
Bird.

was busy watching a Goo-goo

Did you ever spot one of those

Glance-Givers
?

This

chap

name was Llewellyn

Joyce, and he considered himself a

perfect hellyon.

He

thought

all

he had to do was to

roll his

lamps

at a lassie

and she was

off the slate.

Llewellyn loved to

sit

around

at the

musicale and burn the belle of the

ball

with his goo-goo eyes.

Llewellyn
that
s

needed

swift

slap

what he needed.
and they were the boys that could
close
"

Next we had the Nonpariel Quar

tette,

eat

up the

harmony
Love,
I

They sang

am

"

Lonely

$6

JOHN HENRY
start to finish

from

without stopping

to call the

waiter.

Then we had
select recitations.

Clarissa Coldslaw in

She was

all

the money.
"

Clarissa grabbed
"

Hamlet

Solilo

between her pearly teeth and quy shook it to death.

ven

She got a half-Nelson on Poe s "Ra and put it out of the business.
"

Then she gave an

balcony scene from

imitation of the
Juliet.

Romeo and

If Juliet talked like that

dame

did,

no wonder she took poison. But when she let down her hair and
started in to give us a

mad

scene

me
It

to the

sand dunes

was a case of

flee as

a bird with

yours respectfully.

if

Those musicals things would be aces the music didji t set them back.

JOHN HENRY ON GOLF

JOHN HENRY ON GOLF.

EREAFTER
game
golf
!

is

the

for Gillis
for
!

Me
the brassie
fine

the niblick

and

Billy Baldwin, Harry Ford and

die Bartlett took

Ed

me

out last

summer

and put me wise

In
the
the
less

to the

whole lay-out.
I

than an hour

could play

game man that made

all

better than Doolan,

it.

and he

Golf has

the other

games slapped
it

to a sit-down.
I

know

it

because

played

once

and

Billy told

me

that as soon as a

IOO

JOHN HENRY
thistles

few Scotch

sprouted on

my

shins I d be the real rinakaboo!

Harry
enough
thought
I

told
to

me I own a

could drive good

hack,

and Eddie

was the

likeliest side-stepper

that ever did a grass-chopping special

ty.

The
It s

only drawback they found was

t

that I didn

hit the ball.

immense
to

for the chest

measure

ment

have the bunch hand you out

believe

the salve spiel

I

me!
the road I

took

my
last

lady friend out Westches-

ter

way

week and on

was
talk.
It s

Reckless

Robert with the big

a habit with

me

to

go up and

butt the ceiling every time

my

lady

friend

is

near enough to
of us

listen.

Most

young guys

are gushers

ON GOLF
with the loud language

101

when

the Best

and Only

is

in the building.

How we
she
s

do

like to

gather the gab

and hand out hints

to the heroine that

!

gating on the greatest ever When Clara Jane asked me

the

if

knew
to

game

told her that I used

room with
links.

the

man me

that built the

first

When
her
the
it

she asked

his

name

I told

was McDougall, because

of a head-waiter

that

name

who

helps

to spend

my
and

money.
if
"

She asked me
lofter is

knew what
I
!

I said,

Sure,

eat
"

them

for breakfast every

morning

When we
Hamburg.

reached Westchester

we

met a Society duck named Lionel von

102
I

JOHN HENRY
think his father invented the
steak.
all

Ham

burger

Lionel was

to the best.

He was Finnegan
sure.

the Fine Boy, for

One

of those tart

little

red coats

squeezed his shape, and around his

neck he had a pink stock that was waiting for a chance to choke him.

My
at a

lady friend met this gilly once

bean soiree and she was his even

star.

ing

They

sat

on the

stairs together

and

put a kink in the caramels.

When

the

gong sounded

for the ice

cream that night Lionel

her out a tubful,
liked

had dipped and he was sure she

him

for his boyish ways.

this occasion
it

So on

was Lionel

ON GOLF
play to give

103

me

the

low tackle and

claim the calico.

But
myself
couldn

something of a Mr. Fox on rare occasions, and I

see Lionel doing a two-step

through the farm lands with the meralda not through

glasses.

my

Es-

opera

Clara Jane introduced

me

to

His

Pinkness and he invited us in the club

house to throttle our

I

thirsts.

ordered a rickey, Clara Jane called

a lemonade,

for

and Lionel

guess

was

a pail of Vichy and milk.

the suds rolled

When
Vichy

up

gave the

stuff

the sad eye and Lionel

caught the gaze.

I could see that

he wanted to back

pedal right then, but he waited until

104
the next

JOHN HENRY
round and then he waded out

among
It

the high boys.

bluff of his
life.

was the
limit

His

on bug

bitters

was im

ported ginger ale with a piece of lime

in
it.

When
didn
t

he was out roystering and care what became of him he

the bartender to

would

tell

add a dash

of phosphates.

But now he made up his mind to splash around in the tide waters just
because the lady was looking on.
Lionel
stake
felt

that the future

was

at

and he must cut out the saw-dust

and get busy with the grown
first

extracts

up booze.
high ball Lionel be gan to chatter and mention money.
After the

The mocking

birds

were singing

ON GOLF

105

down on

the old bayou, and he began

to give Clara

Jane the loving leer. She grew a bit uneasy and wanted

to start the paddle wheels, but I sig

nalled to the waiter because I wished

her to see her Society slob at his best.

he insisted upon dragging out a basket of Ruinart, and he wanted

first

At

to order rubber boots so

we

could slosh

around

in

it.

But
the

I steered

him

off

and he went

all

way up

the

hill

and picked out

another high fellow.

When

the second high

was under

cover he reached over and patted Clara

Jane on the hand.

He wanted
could buy.

to lead her

away

to Paris

and show her everything that money

When

she gave him the

"Sir!"

gag

Io6

JOHN HENRY
t

he apologized and said he didn

Paris, he

mean
and

meant the Pan-American.

he
smiled
feverishly

Then

opened a package of hiccoughs.

Clara Jane and I moved out on the links Lionel was watching the floor and trying to pick out a spot
that didn
t go round and round. His chips were all in and he was

When

Simon with
"

the Souse, for sure.

"

Clara Jane said,

What
all

a ridiculous

person
that

but what she meant was, that

would be about
and started

from Lionel.

Then we chartered
die boys

a couple of cad

in to render a

few

choice selections on the clubs.

My
The

caddie boy

name was Mike,

I lost

and he looked the

first

part.

crack out of the box

ON GOLF

107
it

my
I

ball

and Mike found

under his

left eye.

self

gave him a quarter to square my and he said I could hit him on

the other eye for ten cents more.

I

made

the

first

hole in 26, and feu

to live

that there
for.

was nothing more

Clara Jane could have

84, but she

made

it

in

used up her nerve watch

in the lot

ing a

cow

about two miles

away.

My
comes

lady friend
to cows.

is

a quitter

when

it

Then we decided
walk around the
say
that

to stop playing

and

links just so

we could

we had

seen

most of the

United States of America.

Out near

the Fifth

hole

we met

young Mil Roberts and Frank Jenvey.

108

JOHN HENRY

They were playing a match for 60 cents a side and they were two busy
boys,
all

right, all right.

Mil had his sleeves rolled up to show

the mosquito bites on his muscles,

and

Frank was
missed the
I

telling
last

himself

how he
was and
to

bunker.
it

asked Mil what time

"Three

he told me,
play!"

up and four

suppose that was Central time.

handed Frank a few bars of

polite

conversation but he gave

me

the Frost-

burg face. Did you ever have one of those

real
?

players pass you out the golfish glare

You
get
it

for the
believe

snowstorm when you

!

me

Then Mil and Frank dove

mudcan, cooked a
pill,

in

the

placed the ball

Jake invited her to join the Page 109. hunting party."

ON GOLF
on
it,

109

gave us the dreary day-day and were on their

slapped
it

in the slats,

way.
It

must be awful

to play for

money.

At

the Seventh hole

we found Jake
hill

Roberts ploughing the side of a

with his niblick.

He
last

said he lost a ball there one day

it

summer and he wanted

it

back

because

belonged to a

set.

Jake said he
with
that
t

went to Three
once,

in four

ball

but
till

the

folks

wouldn

believe
ball.
I

him

he showed

them the

When

introduced him to Clara

Jane he invited her to join the hunting party, and intimated that I d enjoy
the

new mown

scenery further

down

the line.
I

whip-sawed him with a whistling

IIO

JOHN HENRY
entitled,
"Why

specialty

Dcn
"

You

Get a Lady of Your promised to be good.

After

Own ?

and he

we

trailed over the

mountains,
three

through

seven

farms,

across

rivers, up the valley and

down

the

railroad,

we

finally

reached the end of

the links

and took the steamer back

to mother.

Clara Jane says golf would be a

great

game
till

if

it

wasn

so far from

home.

Yours

the bench breaks

believe

me!

JOHN HENRY

JOHN HENRY, Hugh McHugh s

first

book, reached the 25,000

after
it

mark two weeks

published.
It

was

s popularity since

then
"

has been unprecedented.

John Henry s philosophy is of the most approved up-to-date brand. He is by all odds a young man of the period he is a man about town. He is a slang artist; a
;

painter of recherche phrases

tart

maker
!"

of

but oh my John Henry recounts some of his adven tures about town, and he interlards his des criptive passages with impressive comments on the men, women, institutions, and places,
"little,

Americanisms. In this book it is

brought within his observant notice. We need not say that his comments are highlynor that his descriptions are re colored markable for expressiveness and colloquial Mr. Henrv is a sort of refined piquancy. and sublimated type of Chimmie Fadden," though there is by no means anything of the gamin about him. He doesn t speak in rich coster dialect such as is used by Mr. Townsend s famous character, nor is he a mem;

Ill

hero of the

her of the same social set as the popular New York slums. Mr. Henry

a higher plane, he uses good mostly in tart superlatives and his associates are of a high social scale. Mr. Henry s adventures as he describes

moves on

English

them here

will

make you wonder and make

in

you laugh. His book abounds

of the kind

bon-mots of slang;

you hear in the theatres when the end-men, comedians and monologuists are at their wittiest and best, when they revel in mad and merry extravagances of speech and experience.
It is

an art to use street-talk with force

and

terseness,

and although

it

isn

the

most

elegant phase of the Queen s English it nevertheless impresses to the Queen s taste.

Hugh McHugh
Item.
"

has this

art."

Philadelphia

John Henry is only one of the numer ous young men who are treating the public
"

to the latest slang

through the medium of

print nowadays, but he, unlike most of the others, is original in his phrases, has the

strong support of the unexpected in his hu mor and causes many a good laugh. For

one thing, he merely

112

tries

to

make

fun,

wisely avoiding the dangers of tediousness

in

endeavoring to utter immature wisdom

"

in

the language of the brainless.

The

author,

Huph McHugh,
is

is

thought
it

to be

Mr. George V. Hobart.

Certain

is

a Baltimorean, past or present; the local references evidence that. In some places the expressions have the
that the writer

Hobart ring to them. But if Mr. Hobart did write the stories, he has done his best

work of
"

the kind

yet."

Baltimore Herald.

The humor

is

of the spontaneous sort

that runs close to truth, and it affords a hearty laugh." Cleveland World.
"

many

As

thing

since

a study in slang it surpasses any the days of Artie. The

"

Rocky Mountain News.

Written Free Press.
"

"

in the choicest

slang."

Detroit

John Henry." A regular and as good as Billy Baxter."

"

side-splitter,

New

York

Press.
"

It is as

kind,

better

good as any of the books of than most of them, and

being
113
coarse."

its
is

funny

without

Portage

Register.

John Henry is an amusing malefactor, and those who care to forgive him for cob
"

the English language into strange shapes will enjoy their acquaintance with him." Chicago Tribune.

bling

"

John Henry
amusing."
"

St.

is very interesting and Louis Globe-Democrat.

There are seven sketches, and each seems funnier than the others." Book seller, Newsdealer and Stationer.
"

The book

is

a clever satire

the foolishness in

modern

society,

on some of and the

slang is simply unapproachable. geles Herald.

"

Los

An
from
and

Every page
a popular song.
"

is

as catchy as a bar
as

The

slang

is

correct,

original

smart as the newest handshake from Lon

don.
"

In the lottery of humorous books

John
capital

Henry
prize."

seems to approximate the

The

New

York Journal.

University of California

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1989

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