240 Mating

equipped to handle this alternating-phase style of life, able, that is, to

provide clear direction to a person who might otherwise get lost in meditation
or in devotion to a cause.
No matter what kind of persons Idealists marry, however, it is not too
much to say that they are the best of all the temperaments at creating
successful and fulfilling marriages. Developing harmonious personal rela-
tions is their joy and their area of expertise, and they bring all their finest
qualities to the enterprise. Their sensitivity, their spirit of cooperation,
their ability to communicate their feelings, their passion for their mates,
their desire for deep bonding, their personal warmth and enthusiasm-all
these traits work their magic in the NF's relationships, and more than
compensate for their tendency to start up Pygmalion Projects. Indeed, if
we can assume that Pygmalion Projects are an inevitable part of any marriage,
that at best such intimate coerciou can be kept loving and sympathetic,
then Idealists offer their mates the possibility of exceptional happiness.
The Rational Mindmate
1 wanted my wife to share all my interests, which included mathematical
social science .... 1 was a little worried (I am not joking) that she did
not know calculus, but she promised to remedy that, a promise she
fulfilled only many years later.
-Herbert A. Simon
Rationals make wonderful mates-they are loyal, uncomplaining, warm-
ly sexual, honest and aboveboard in their communications, and not in the
least possessive. Butfor all the satisfactions they bring to a marriage,
establishing romantic relationships with Rationals usually requires more
time and energy than with the other temperaments. Even the outgoing
Rationals, although apparently easy to get to know, are fairly difficult to
get close to, for their personality structure is characteristically complex
and, at times, even hidden from view.
Rational Courtship
Rationals do not care to spend much of their time or energy making
social connections. Not only do they find. the rituals of dating slightly
absurd, but they seem to have more difficulty than other temperaments
engaging in play, which makes dating usually something of a trial for
ihem. While some NTs will attempt to cover their lack of social skills by
clowning around, they tend, on the whole, to be rather serious and cerebral,
enjoying discussions on esoteric topics full of technical details (everything
you wanted to know about chemical bonding-and more), a pastime which
the other temperaments are apt to find dreadfully dull. For most NTs,
intellectual development seems to proceed at a faster rate than does social
development-they are often the math whizzes and science nerds in high
,
J
(
,
The Rational Mindmate 241
school and college-and they tend to prefer their books and computers to
football games and prom dates. But even in young adulthood, Rationals
remain somewhat stiff and awkward when it comes to dating, and many
show almost no interest in developing social graces or in being popular.
Once in a college or business environment, extraverted Rationals might
decide (quite deliberately) to date around for the fun of it, and some might
experiment with sexual practices. But when establishing more lasting rela-
tionships they are not likely to give in to impulse. Indeed, and as a matter
of personal ethics, Rationals usually regard sexual promiscuity with distaste.
Even talking about their sexual experiences is uncomfortable for them,
and they are not likely to discuss past involvements with a partner or with
others, and almost never discuss their current sex life with friends. A few
highly private, seriously committed relationships is the usual pattern of an
NT's love life, probably because Rationals (like many Idealists) tend to
develop intimate relationships rather slowly.
Thus, generally speaking, dating for Rationals is neither entertainment
(as it is for Artisans), social participation (as it is for Guardians), nor deep
bonding (as it is for Idealists); rather, dating for Rationals is a sometimes
difficult search for a person they deem worthy of their personal investment.
Wanting always to know what they're doing and where they're going, NTs
think through relationships carefully, giving prolonged consideration to
their intentions and expectations. Once the matter has been mapped out to
their satisfaction-{)nce their coordinates are clear-they are ready to pro-
ceed with investing in the relationship, and, in all likelihood, they will
develop the relationship as they have conceived it, provided, of course,
that a response has been forthcoming from the recipient. If the relationship
calls for a short-term involvement, a short-term investment is made, and
the NT makes sure the temporary nature of the affair is clearly understood
by the other party. Should this not be agreeable, the NT is likely to shrug
his or her shoulders and turn away, with only mild regrets. If, on the other
hand, the relationship calls for a long-term commitment, a long-term com-
mitment is made, and will be honored even if the relationship does not
develop as satisfactorily as anticipated. Nor is the NT likely to verbalize
any disappointment or dissatisfaction if such is the case. Once Rationals
have made their search and decided on a mate, they are unlikely to have a
change of mind. .
The Coordinator NTs (ENTJs and INTJs) are more systematic in this
search for a mate than the Engineer NTs (ENTPs and INTPs). Coordinators
will often have in mind a list of physical and cognitive features they hope
to find in their mate, and they will not be slow to discourage someone who
does not fit the bill. Engineers, on the other hand, can be rather passive
about the seeing the whole courtship process as perhaps more
trouble than It's worth, and they are likely to settle down with the first
of quality who happens to show an interest in them-just to get the
matmg problem solved. Both styles can lead to errors: Coordinators can be
242 Mating
naive about their requirements and make faulty lists, while Engineers some-
times find that short-term solutions can result in long-term regrets. But
unless their choice is a complete disaster, Rationals tend to stand by their
commitments and make every effort to see their relationships through.
Although the Rational mating style can seem over-controlled at times,
it has its attractions for the other temperaments. Artisans admire both the
Rationals' penchant for effective action and their refusal to be bound by
convention, while at the same time they enjoy trying to jolly the NTs up a
bit, getting them to stop being so serious and obsessive about their work.
Guardians, in contrast, think highly of the Rationals' seriousness and hard
work, and take real pride in helping the lost-in-thought NTs keep their feet
on the ground, providing them with an enjoyable, conventional social life.
All in all, however, Idealists feel the strongest attraction to Rationals. Not
only do Idealists share with Rationals a rare compatibility of mind, a
deeply satisfying mutual interest in abstract ideas, but NFs also marvel at
the NTs' ability to focus and to concentrate, so different from their own
tendency to be scattered, divided, and distracted.
Once Rationals have given themselves to a mate, they feel pledged to
the relationship-with or without a marriage license. NTs often have a
curious amorality concerning the generally-accepted standards of mating
behavior. The rules and formalities of society have little pressure for them,
but their own personal standards of conduct certainly do. Society's seal of
approval-in the form of a church ceremony or marriage license-means
nothing to them, and will be put up with only to please their family or their
mate. What matters to the Rational is individual commitment, and this
personal contract is worthy all their loyalty. The same goes for their attitude
towards pre-marital sex. The sexual ethics of NTs are carefully considered,
and strictly adhered to, but mayor may not conform to the general mores
of sexual behavior current in any given time. In most cases, Rationals are
not at all reluctant to explore their sexuality once they have committed to a
relationship.
Rational Married Life
Once an investment has been made in a mate, and Rationals are free to
pursue their varied interests-both know-abouts and know-hows-they
come face to face rather quickly with a major problem in, their marriages.
It is frequently, and sadly, the case that Rationals are misunderstood on
one important point by their spouses, who will accuse them of being cold
and unemotional, and of seeming distant and unconcerned with their welfare.
NTs, for their part, are amazed that their way of relating and loving can be
seen by their mates as aloof or uncaring, for they know what powerful
passions surge within them, and how keenly interested they are in their
mates. But the false impression-almost a stereotype-of Rational coldness
remains the source of much disappointment and conflict in their marriages.
What's the cause of this misunderstanding, this discrepancy between ap-