Dominique Taylor Ms. Suzanne Ingram English 1103-036 4 December, 2012 Whats It Like To Be You? Whats it like to be me?

Who am I? What kind of stuff am I made of? These questions are hard for me to answer. I try my best to keep myself busy so I never have to answer these questions. Those of you reading this probably are wondering why I run from these questions. Others probably know the answer already because you run away from these questions just like me. But to answer the lingering questions of why I run ,for those who are still in the dark, because there are parts of me that Im just not ready to face. I am afraid of finding parts of me that I do not like or that I am not ready to change. There are factors of my life from my past that make me who I am, but I suppress the memories due to their painful nature. Now lets not get the wrong idea. My life is not a tragic tale, although moments of my story are very melancholy. In the end, the good definitely outweighs the bad, and the happiness out shines the sad. I accredit that to Gods enduring mercy, grace, and favor. To tell whats it like to be me, I must first answer the question Who am I? I will start with a poem. I ammany things and few things in one. I am the product of someones daughter, and someones son. I am a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a daughter. I am a reader, a learner, a niece, an author. The hats I wear are seemingly endless, and I seem to find a new one to wear every day.

To tell you all the things I am would be like trying to eat every food on the buffet. For I am for constantly growing and evolving into the young woman I am today, and who I will be tomorrow. I live every moment relishing in the highs filled with joys, and learning from my lows of sorrow. I am a book unread, I am a song unsung. I have yet to figure out exactly all of who I am, but thats part of lifes fun. The epitome of who I am is based upon my foundation. My foundation consists of family, and God. I am the youngest of five kids. My childhood is filled with wonderful memories of sitting at the picnic table with my cousins and siblings arguing over who would get the biggest slice of watermelon once my grandmother cut it. Or waking up at my grandmothers house to the wonderful smell of sausage, eggs, grits, bacon, toast and grape juice waiting for me while the Young and the Restless played on TV. If I had to sum my childhood up in three words they would be family, food, and books. I grew up with my cousins living within walking distance and family gatherings in the backyard. I spent my days playing with Barbies, baby dolls, and lots of books. My sister Devannie, cousin Latrese, and I would even put our baby dolls into strollers and walk them down to the corner store to get all the junk food five dollars could buy, which was a lot back then. With so much family around me I never felt alone until my teenage years. I was very protected and sheltered by my siblings as a child; truth be told, I still am. My parents instilled in us at a very young age that we were to look out for each other, and to protect one another at all times. If you fought one of us, you fought all of us. My sister Devannie is the little fire cracker of the family; she has always protected me and would drown a glass a water if

it crossed me the wrong way. We protect each other so fiercely that we could be angry with one another, but if someone on the street talked about our sibling we would fight them like they were public enemy number one. I thank God for the fact that I can trust that my siblings will always protect me even when my parents are long gone. Our love for one another is sometimes over shadowed by our constant bickering. With everyone being born exactly four years apart (except for Mario and Marcus, who are the same age; Marcus is adopted), there are a lot of misunderstanding and generational differences. My siblings always seem to be dumbfounded that our parents allow me to get away with stuff they never have had the chance to do. I just tell them that mom and dad had perfected their parenting technique by the time I was born. And besides, I got better grades than they ever did and stayed out of trouble unlike them. Mom and dad always say I was never a problem child. Being the bookworm of the family has saved me from getting into the trouble of idle hands that problem children always get into. This is one characteristic that I cannot credit the mannerisms of my family. They have found themselves repeating history a time or too. My ability to avoid troubled paths by learning from the mistakes of others is one of my unique traits that I am very proud of. I have never been the type of girl who needed to experience things for herself in order to understand the lesson. Many of my peers cannot understand this concept, which is just one of the many reasons why I am somewhat isolated from my age group. But that is for later in my tale. I must first finish my explanation of my foundation. My family, in a lot of ways, influenced my views and opinions of the world. I have always looked to my family for answers on what I should do or any other questions I may have before I seek the answers from the world. I trust my family to lead me into the right direction and I value their opinions. I also look to God for answers. When no

one else can understand me, consol me, or listen to me, I know God is always there. My relationship with God is my primary reason for abstaining from sex until marriage. I base my morals off of what God and my family says. I try everyday to be the person that my family will be proud of, and to one day hear God say well done. Whenever I fail I get extremely upset with myself because Im not just letting myself down, Im letting God and my family down. I know they love me enough that it will be okay if I fall short as long as I have tried my best. I just never want to disappoint them. This pedestal I am on is partially my fault and partially my familys. All my life I have been that cousin that everyone got compared to when it came to academics. Why cant you be more like Nu-Nu? She loves books. You need to be more like your cousin Dominique and keep your nose in a book instead of a boys butt. I was, and still am, flattered by aunts and uncles remarks, but their compliments soon became heavy titles that I had to bear growing up. But they are not the only guilty party. My parents and grandmother had their roles in bragging about my achievements. Every straight A report card, spelling bee award, or honor roll award earned me numerous praises. It also gave them bragging rights for what seemed to be an eternity. Around the time of my parents divorce I started feeling pressure to maintain excellent grades. I guess some part of my childish mind thought that if I did everything right my parents would stop arguing and stay together. Truth be told, their problems went beyond me and my grades. As their divorce became final, and my mother moved me and my sister Devannie into an apartment, I looked for things that I could control in my ever changing would. So I looked to my books and school work for comfort. My books took me away to another world, and school was the place where I could shine academically and relax with my friends. That peace I found at school would be short lived.

I moved to North Carolina the summer before my eighth grade year. I thought life was just going to get better and better, but unfortunately my luck had turned for the worse. I got the ultimate taste of culture shock when I moved to Greensboro. People talked different and dressed different. My oldest sister Bryaunna had already been living in Greensboro for a few years before my mother, Devannie, Mario, and I arrived. Mario and Devannie, being the social butterflies that they are, thrived in Greensboro and made friends quickly. I did not. I am a very strong minded, determined individual and I am going to do what I feel is right no matter what the circumstances are. My peers did not like that so much. I thought I had found a group of friends who would accept me, but the moment I stood up for my morals (not picking on people for fun) I became public enemy numero uno. They turned the majority of the eighth grade against me, except for a few boys and a girl named, Shay. She would turn out to be only my frienemy. Shay and I bonded over music and Tyler Perry plays. But in the end she would be a fair weather friend who would smile in my face but never mean me any good. Shes a good person at heart so I still tolerate her till this day (I just handle her with a long wooden spoon). The friendships in my life since then have been nonexistent. I have tried to connect with my peers and have friendships with them but I always end up being just an acquaintance. The unsaved kids tell me I have too many morals (I dont smoke, drink, have sex, dress in sexy clothes, or disrespect my elders to name just a few), and the saved kids really are not about the life that they portray to their parents and I dont deal with lying that well. I am me one hundred percent of the time, no matter who I am around, so multi-face people dont rub me the right way. This may seem harsh, or overly critical, but its just my personality. Im to blunt to deal with anything less. Now not all of my peers have conflict of views and lifestyle, we just can never get past the surface.

So I spent many of my middle and high school days alone. The isolation got so bad that around Christmas of my junior year, I attempted suicide. I had been experiencing moments of depression (days were I couldnt get out of bed), and panic attacks. I had been thinking about suicide since about the fifth grade. My junior year was my first and last attempt. I took over twenty Ibuprofen pills in hopes of dying. Luckily my mentor called the ambulance, and I was taken to the hospital. Long story short I spent two weeks in Behavioral Health (the place where suicidal people go for help) and went through months of therapy afterwards. Thankfully, college has not been as unkind to me as high school and middle school had been. The first month or two of college was extremely rough for me. I cried the first night my mother and sisters left. I longed for the familiarity of home, and the consistency of the family and friends I knew so well. My classes were not overwhelmingly hard, they were just tedious and contained a lot of course work. I had to stretch myself as a student to not rest on my natural abilities. I had to study hard, practice, and give my classes everything I had. On top of classes I had to go to work, my organizations meeting, therapy, and all kinds of meetings in between. Most of the people I considered friends from high school that came to UNCC with me are no longer a part of my life, though a few still remain. I dont want to jinx it, but I think I have met many people who have the potential to be good friends, so for now I will call them really good acquaintances. None of them are my age, or in my class, but theyre wonderful nonetheless. Meeting so many new people has helped me find confirm things about myself. I stand firm on my morals, and my likes as well as dislike. I realized from watching my peers that smoking and drinking and smoking are not the things for me. But Ive also learned that I am a more sociable person than I thought. This first semester as a freshman has been a rollercoaster ride. Ive cried

many tears, but I have also shared as many laughs with quality people that I am glad to have met. As second semester approaches, I look at my first semester as a freshman with joy. The journey to get to where I am today has been I long trying one. I have not always been grateful to be alive, but I have come to value you my life. I realize that as long as I have my family and God, nothing else matters. My panic attacks have come under some control and happen occasionally now. I am suicide thought free, thanks be to God, and I am a freshman halfway through college. Ive experienced a lot of things and seen a lot of things in my short eighteen years of life, but my journey has only begun. So Ive told you who I am. And while telling you who I am, Ive given you a glimpse of whats it like to be me. The only thing left for me is to tell you what I am made of I am made of silver and gold. I am made of the greatest story never told. I am made of love, strength, courage, pain. A God resides in me who never places blame. I am filled with life, laughter, smiles, and joy. One day Ill be filled with love for my little girl or boy. I am made of things I have yet to discover. Until then the rest of me is undercover.