i was at the car wash just finishing up and about to vacuum up my car when the

ultimate hustler's head popped out of the hose and said "aw shit nigga look at yo
car, the only grain you grippin is nutri-grains" and i tried to ignore him but he
was like "and ya head too big" i was like damn.

i was at the pharmacy with my gf we were buying condoms and i took a box off the
shelf and the ultimate hustlers head was behind it and he said "shit son i saw yo
shoes hangin off a powerline" i just kind of smiled and then he said "and yo girls
titties look like bisquick" i was like damn.

I was in the library getting some sex manuals with my gf and the ultimate hustler
pushes some books through from the other side of the shelf and shouts "them books
been fingered less times than yo' bitch have" and we tried to ignore him and leave
but he popped out of the book return box and shouted "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.
I have some social issues"

i was in the desert once walking thousands of miles to find an ancient prophet and
all of the sudden the ultimate hustler comes out behind a cactus and is like
"nigga yo sandals look like three strips of bacon strapped to a beef patty" and i
fell to my knees and then he says "and i heard that ancient prophet's girl been
fuckin wit a crackhead behind the super 10" and i heard the ancient prophet scream
from 1300 miles away

one day i was in the bank standing in line when a bank robber came in and started
to rob the bank and when the teller opened the drawer the ultimate hustler popped
out and said to the robber "damn yo ski mask look like it got fake dreds and a
chin strap" and the bank robber shot himself and everyone applauded the ultimate
hustler until he turned around and said "yall checks is so small you cant afford a
jumbo potato wedges at KFC" and everyone was like damn

the other day me and my crew were at biggie's grave leavin some flowers when all
of a sudden the ultimate hustler busted up out the ground and said "this is a
strange place for yall to be holdin a scrubs anonymous meeting" and we played it
off but then he said "i just busted up out the ground and i still be cleaner than
you bustas" and me and my crew were like damn.

i was sitting in the left field stands watching the baseball game and somebody hit
a homerun right to me and just about when i was gonna catch the ball the ultimate
hustler appeared on the ball and said "nigga the only thing you could catch is vd
from that stanky ass ho of yours" and the ball bounced off my head and landed two
rows in front of me and i was like damn

a long long time ago in a galaxy far away i was chillin on the bridge of the death
star when to my surprise the ultimate hustler pops up out an x-wing and yells "yo
face be so black and plasticky i could play madden on it" and i was stunned but
then he said "i am your father.... psyche nobody knows who yo daddy is" as i
dropped to my knees

last month i was at the zoo with my gf and we were in the primate house when all
of a sudden the ultimate hustler swoops in and turns on a smoke machine and says
"yo check it out, gorillas in the mist" and i was like damn. but then he was like
"no but seriously though you better lock ya girl up or tonight i'm gonna be gibbon
her the business" and before i could tell him to stop his hurtful wordplay, he
grabbed onto a vine and swung away

i was on my flight from dulles to jfk this past week with my gal and i was just
sittin back enjoyin some peanuts (what the deal???) when i hear the familiar voice
of the ultimate hustler come over the intercom and he says "attention passengers
y'all betta have your barf bags on hand because, you see my man in seat 7E there?
well his woman just went to the bathroom and when that ho walk back down the aisle
ya might feel some turbulence in ya guts" and i checked my seat number and was
like damn.

i was down at the dealership the other day lookin for a new whip and i decided on
this nice red candy-paint mustang so i'm lookin at it and all of a sudden the
ultimate hustler pops up out the trunk and shouts "nigga i seen yo gal and if you
lookin to buy this ride you best have a good shovel to scoop her ass out the
bucket seat." i was like "damn i'll take an f-150" and then the ultimate hustler
said "better make it 2"

i was prancin around my playhouse when i decided to ask jambi a question, but when
i opened up the box the ultimate hustler was in there instead. "you'd better
mecca-lecca hide that ho you was with outside the safeway. even cowboy curtis
wouldnt wanna tie that hog!" i was like damn, and everyone screamed because "damn"
was the secret word.

i was at 7-11 with my gf and the ultimate hustler comes out of the cashier's
turban and is like "yo homie yo girl about to get her third big gulp today, cept
this time she be paying for it." I started choking on my pizza taqito and
collapsed into the dorito shelves. then he was like "also yo face look like the
complimentary chili got left in the sun" and i was like damn.

Me and my gf were browsing the latest Home theater sets in Best BUy when suddenly
the ultimate hustler flies out from a nearby speaker and shouts 'nigga youre so
poor your tv dinner tray is your good china' and i fell back aghast then he looked
right at me and said 'plus yo mouth so enormous you speak in Dolby Surround Sound'
and i was like ddddddaaaaaammmmmmmnnnnnnn

once at the county fair i was eatin a corndog and playing some ring toss when The
Ultimate Hustler's head popped out of one of the bottles and said "the only rings
you be tossin is onion rings" i was flustered but tried focusing on the game but
he said "and yo face so ugly you put the freakshow out of business" and i was like
"damn"

i walked into the bank the other day and the ultimate hustler popped out from
behind a plant and said "boy you so ugly the security done turned off the
surveillence cameras" and i was like fukkkkkk

i was enjoying a quiet meal by myself when the ultimate hustler kicked down the
door, walked up to my table and stared me in the eye and said "you so lonely, you
see less action than a blind man at an IMAX" and i started feeling pretty dizzy.
he then said "and yo' mailman knows about them condom product samples and that you
aint seein' no girl" and i just threw up on the floor and blacked out

i took my girlfriend to a nice restaurant the other day and the ultimate hustler
popped out from under the table and said "boy you so ugly the waiter gonna give
YOU a tip if you tie your napkin over your face" and i kinda clenched my fist but
said nothing and then he said "and your woman's crotch smell like last week's
seafood platter" and i was like damn.

well i was at the post office the other day minding my own business and the
ultimate hustler popped out of a mail cart and said "hey boy you so ugly you push
yo face into dough to make gorilla cookies" and of course i just tried walking
away but the cart followed me and the huster said "you so ugly yo momma had to be
crunck as fuck to breast feed yo ass" and i just hit the door embarrassed as hell,
not able to look at myself the same way ever again
i was contributing to the collection plate at church when the ultimate hustler
popped out from behind a pew and said "god don't want your old baby ruth wrappers,
you poor ass chocoholic" and i just sat there with my mouth open, then he turned
to the reverend and said "and yo' monsignor look more like a monsenorita" and i
started crying

I was sitting in Philosophy class and the ultimate hustler popped out of a
collection of Camus' fiction and said "bitch the only stranger you know is when
you be sittin on yo hand before jerkin off at night" and i tried to keep my
composure, but then he appeared out of the aether and said "you breath so bad
bitches be callin you the plauge" and i was like damn.

after philosophy i went to my next class psychology, glad to have escaped the
ultimate hustler. but as soon as i sat down he amassed in the collective
unconscious and said "freud be sayin e'eyone wants to fuck they mother, but most
of em just fuck yours instead" and i blacked out but he popped into my dream as an
archetype and said "you so repulsive to girls even yo anima want nothin to do wit
you" and i was like goddamn

i was browsing the folklore section of the bookstore the other day when the
ultimate hustler pops out of a copy of struwwelpeter and says "damn son there a
story in here bout you called 'the sucka who couldn't get it up never, talkin his
dick floppin round like a stank-ass fish all the damn time'" and i was about to
console myself with a copy of joseph campbell when he threw the brothers grimm at
me and said "plus yo face look like baba yaga's taint" and i was like "damn"

i was sittin down at the double arches, gettin my mack and my mac on, when the
ultimate hustler came out from behind the counter an sayed "you lookin for a job
application cause you got enough grease to keep this joint rollin 24 7" so i
nonchalantly reach for a napkin and stares me down and says "tell yo girl i heard
they puttin slimfast on the dollar menu" and she stumbled into the bathroom
visibly shaken while i rushed out the door with the napkin dispenser

I was leading my army of 300 foot soldiers into battle against the Persian army
when the ultimate hustler pops out from behidn a rock and yells 'nigga when yo
girl's around you always be fighting in the shade' and as i fell back defeated I
heard 'Better bring her too because she always be preparing to dine somewhere' as
i threw myself into the city well

i was catching up on some canterbury tales during a break in my basketball game

and the ultimate hustler rappelled down from the ceiling and said "yo they call
you 'middling english' because when you try to put english on the ball you goddamn
mediocre at it" and i didn't respond because i was still trying to figure out the
insult and then he took the book from me and made a slam dunk with it and said
"you eat more ass than in the miller's tale, son" and said "damn? i guess?"

i was sailing to the new world when the ultimate hustler popped out from behind
the tiller and said "shit man yo mamma so fat you should dump the boat and throw a
mizzenmast on her" and i sputtered a little bit but then he whispered in my ear
"and i just got damn cleanin yo girl's poop deck" and i blacked out and enslaved
half of africa.

i was perusing the deli aisle at the grocery store when out of the corner of my
eye i thought i saw a purple cape leaping from shelf to shelf. my last encounter
with the ultimate hustler was fresh in my memory so i turned and ran towards the
automatic exit doors, prepared to push in case of emergency. but the ultimate
hustler was too quick, he caught me as i was rounding the corner: "yo too bad
them doors aint open as automatic as yo girls drawers" i dropped the bag of
muenster cheese that i was about to buy, and the ultimate hustler said "nigga you
aint need that on account of the monster cheese i saw last time yo girls drawers
flew open" i opened the gallon of milk i was carrying and poured it all over my
head because damn.

it was a stormy night and i was 50 miles out to sea, lobster season was at its
peak. suddenly a strong gale brought the ultimate hustler aboard my ship,
whereupon he said "nigga the only thing blowin harder than this wind is yo girl."
his insult stung even harder than the bitter wind on my face, but i tried to
ignore him, and hauled up my net. "aww shit nigga you still catchin crabs even
when you a million miles away from that ho" i threw myself overboard immediately
because DAMN

------------------------------

I was in orchestra practice, playing my part on my Clarinet (Bb), and as I was

following the score, I noticed that one bar had the command to play in a hustling
fashion. Well, I ended up playing that bar, but to my surprise, no music came out,
only a single feather. I recognised this feather, but where... yes! I had seen it
before! I remember a man following me, heckling me. He walked with this perculiar
hat, one bearing the very same-

My thoughts were interrupted, for the conducter- who curiously, had had his back
to us until now, swayed his cape around in a quick turn and revealed his face-

Oh my god.

No.

'Nigga the way yo blow that, I can tell that yo cocksucking skills come straight
from yo momma'

NO.

'Which is no surprise yo 'cause her chest B Flat as well'

NO!!!

'Tho nigga, yo inotation so bad yo make it seem like yo greasy farts is musical'

Damn.

-------------------------------

i was leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and
hoping each time that my next leap would be the leap home, when i leapt into an
ill-furnished, wood-paneled basement apartment in crenshaw, california. i looked
in the mirror, only to find that i had in fact leapt into the consciousness of
luddy! no sooner could i express my shock than the ultimate hustler
hologrammatically projected himself before me and mused, "nigga, yo aura lookin
like cookie monster's pubes" and i was taken aback but then, before vanishing, he
followed up with, "and yo chest hair so nappy shit look like taco meat" and i was
like "oh boy"

i was snuggled up with my boo, enjoying a new episode of nbc's heroes, when the
show took a commercial break. i was just about to get up from the couch to get a
refill of my mountain dew baja blast when a promo for the local news came on.
imagine my surprise when the ultimate hustler, wearing a velour suit, appeared
instead of the usual news anchor. he began: "area busta's girl's teeth so messed
up, she get arrested at the food lion under suspicion of smuggling out creamed
corn in she mouth" and i scrambled for the remote, but not before he followed
with, "story never, cause aint nobody wanna see that stankass ho on they screen"
and my entertainment center collapsed into a pile of rubble

i was playing a game of freecell and decided to open winamp; however, rather than
the familiar hourglass i was expecting, my cursor turned into the ultimate
hustler's head! fearing the worst, i tried to move the cursor to the bottom of the
screen, but the ultimate hustler was too quick: "nigga, yo desktop background
lookin like the dumpster behind the anime factory" and my face turned beet red and
then he was like "and yo c: drive almost as fragmented as yo mom's grill" and i
was like ctrl+alt+del

i was chillin outside my spaceship and decided i wanted to come back in. i asked
my on-board computer, UH 9000, to open the pod bay doors, so imagine my surprise
when he came back with "i'm afraid i can't do that, dave." i asked him what the
problem was, and he was like "cuz rosa still tryin to scrub yo jheri curl and
cheetos stank up out my motherboard" and i grew concerned, but then he said "shit
son, you gonna be the first fetal alcohol syndrome space baby i ever seen" and i
just sputtered off into space like a deflating balloon because damn

i was at chuck e. cheese with my nephew and he wanted to play whack-a-mole. we put
in a token, but i was startled to see the ultimate hustler's head pop out of one
of the holes. i bopped him before he could say anything, but then he kept coming
out of more holes. i dropped the hammer and covered my nephew's ears, but i'm
pretty sure he heard the ultimate hustler say "too bad you caint swing that hammer
for shit, on account of ya momma used up all the swinging genes in yo family." i
found myself speechless as he continued, "shit, i seen that ho on
grannygummers.com, and her lower back tattoo done drooped down to her ankles," and
my nephew's crying face was the last thing i saw before i fainted into the ball
pit

i was pining away at the ivory women i had carved, truly the paragon of feminine
beauty. venus took pity on me, and i was overcome with joy as i watched the statue
soften and become human. but my delight turned to horror as the transformation
continued. my beloved's golden tresses coiled and darkened; her pearl-white teeth
turned to gold; her supple breasts shriveled and were soon covered with a velour
topcoat. i looked upon my final creation: the ultimate hustler. he began to speak:
"nigga, you put the pig in pygmalion." my spirits continued to darken as he said,
"and why you always touchin me with them raggedy-ass hands? you rub them shits
together and you gonna end up wit so much nasty dead skin, it look like somebody
lit one of them black snake fireworks in ya hands." i fell to knees in lamentation
and cursed the gods.

already afraid of flying, i was on edge as my flight from compton to staten island
leveled off at 20,000 feet. i looked out the window and was paralyzed with fear;
the ultimate hustler was on the wing! i tried to reason with him, but he just
said, "damn, i guess this the seat you get when you pay for ya plane ticket with
food stamps. i ain't even know they let you fly in the boiler room." i was
horrified as he began to tear at the inner workings of the wing. "yeah son, i'mma
take this plane more off-course than yo girl's lazy eye." i ran to the cockpit and
brought the plane into a nosedive because damn.

i was sitting in the cave, watching shadows flutter across the wall when a shape
emerged from the fiery embers, dark and foreboding, "bitch you consciousness so
limited the distance between your perception and the ideal is almost as big as the
gap in ya mamas teeth" i strained to turn and face the man instead of observing
his dancing silhouette when he continued, "and the information delivered to your
mind from your senses is almost as false as the bitches hair color" and i
conceived a platonic model of stupefaction and awe which translated through my
speech into "damn"

Preparing to cleanse the mosque of the Sunni infidels, I tightened my C-4 vest. I
awaited the call to prayer, but the sweet shahada of the muezzin was replaced by
the cackle of a man in silks and gold from the East. From the minaret he yelled,
"Bismallah ar-rahman ar-raheem, I testify that they no busta like this busta right
here. ya'll look like grizzly adams cooked too long." I was stricken ill by this
comment, and reached for some nearby dates from a date tree to ease my stomach.
"Look at this fool eatin his cracka jacks in his cracka jacket. yall look like the
cookie monster in a old navy vest." I was incensed at and pressed the detonation
button on the remote. The last thing I heard in life was "Ya'll get the WB on
that" and I awoke in a land of pure white. I looked around to find my 72 virgins,
but I saw that they were surrounding that man dressed of the East, feeding him
milk and honey! "Those are my virgins!" I exclaimed, and the women giggled. "The
only virgin round here now is you son," said the man. I fell to my knees. "and
yall got a hole in your chest" and I was like damn.

-------------------------

SING TO ME MUSE, OF VELOUR AND THE MAN

the dooming sting of the slams that ruined so many
the chumps and the bustas hurled headlong into gloom
to sip bitter cola with the sluts and kinky-haired hoes,
dollar store shit, not even brand-name;
thus was the will of Zeus.
Begin with the wit of that lord--
the Ultimate Hustler
who descended like night upon the bright shores
of unfortunate Troy where the Achaeans all camped.
As the sun in his splendor, spangles his rays
upon the folds of the sea when the day is just dawning
so too was the light that came from the mouth
of that merciless pimp, for nigga he had
hella fine platinum up in his grill.
And seeing the masses of Grecians, a full generation
set for ten years in grim siege on the sand
the Hustler rattled his cane, a thunderous funk
and made known his will.

"Well well well

guess now be a good time to buy stock in coconut oil and cock rings
since y�all look like you ready to storm Fire Island and start a pride parade.
First time I seen a fleet of ships using they momma�s dirty drawers as sails.
That ain�t no Mycenaean insignia, that just where she couldn�t reach around ta
wipe.
An do I see Odysseus sticking gettin rutty with that handmaid? Ima call Ithaca,
tell em they all need to file a missin bustas report.�

All through the camp, men fell transfixed

laid out by the insults that poured like hard rain
upon the wearied and weak. It seemed as a plague
that ran through the ranks, a vast rippling breath
like when the wind, blown black in the dusk
touches the grain and withers the stalks
and the farmers they gather what once was fine crop
and set it to torch to weep at the flames.

Mighty Achilles, a lion in temper, stepped onto the shore

from his proud flanks flashed fierce indignation
at the Ultimate Hustler, the man like dark wine all richly attired.
When kings go out hunting, they bring with them dogs,
tightly-haunched hounds with foam on their teeth.
The pack is arrayed, and now catches the scent
of a rabbit or stag and strains at the leash,
their limbs at the ready, their eyes full of death,
and finally their master loosens the rein
so was the wrath of Achilles that long had lain quiet,
now aimed at the Hustler and hot for its prey.

�Whether you be
a dark Ethiopian far from your home or else
a sunburnt man from a sunburnt land, Achilles
cares not. You now forfeit your life.�

So said Achilles, and drew forth his spear, the heft on his shoulder
the point all of bronze and, taking his aim, hurled it full force
like a bolt from Olympus.
But Mandingo was watching,
god of the Dozens, and turned it astray.

All there assembled, Achaean and Trojan, saw Achilles� first failure
and soon wicked Rumor, with her venom and bile, started to whisper
that ain�t nobody choked that bad since yo momma
try deepthroating a Titan.
The Hustler boomed out his mirth.

�Next time you wanna give me yo shaft, make believe I�m Patroclus� stankhole
and there ain�t no way you missin. Oh I forgot, Hector currently using that bitch
as a hood ornament. Take him down to the kennels, he metamorphose
into kibbles and bits. That nigga, he dead.
And what up with that armor? Shit�s tacky. Bet that breastplate come with a horn
play �Lowrider� when you goosesteppin through the ranks.
Ain�t it bad enough you got grease face? Been, what, twenty years since yo momma
dip you in tha Styx, and the Hades EPA still tryin to clean the oil slick,
declaring it unfit for animal habitation.
My nigga Charon spark up a fatty, throw the match overboard,
shit goes up like Mt Etna.�

Mighty Achilles groaned like the ocean, let fall his arms to the ash at his feet.
Betaken by sorrow, he sought out his tent and the drowse of his harem
where black-visaged grief crept from the shadows. Like the waxes of Hybla
it muzzled his mind, stopped up his ears, made deaf his heart
to all the sweet pleas of men and immortals.

Just at that moment, the figure of Helen, awake in the city,

appeared on the walls. King Menelaos, the chariot driver,
gnashed all his teeth and raged at the day
she was promised as prize to craven Prince Paris
and doomed distant Troy.
She was spied by the Hustler.

�Shit, ain�t it the daughter of Leda and a swan.

Bitch squirt up a douche, get a bowful of duck soup.
That the face launched a thousand ships? They all musta
gone looking for that most mythical of treasures, cure for dick blisters.
Only time the topless towers of Ilium get burned is when they go take a leak,
get funky discharge look like something Cerberus leave on yo carpet.
Bitch been ploughed more times than the winedark sea. Yeah
I droppin some poetical shit here. Fuck ya if ya hatin.
Everyone heard Helen so tough and hangly down there, she legally obligated
to have the Arby�s logo tattooed on her snatch.
Priam still around? Get him out here.
That nigga so old, last time he manage to pop wood,
Pandora�s box just got some peach fuzz
and Priapus� balls ain�t even drop yet.
This some brokedown city y�all got here. Couple thousand years, Heinreich
Schliemann
dig this place up, wonder what the hell the luddy convention was doin in town.
All looking like somebody built a group home for Cyclops crackheads.�

His counsel at end, the Hustler arose and took to the air
in the form of a bird, feathers jet-black, leaving all stunned.
Sometime a hunter when the race has been run
surveys the beast his arrows brought low,
admires the flank and the struggling faint breaths,
and though its life is near gone strings one last shaft
to take cold delight in an unneeded wound.
So now the Hustler, in no haste to leave,
flung finally a barb down into the field.

�First I thought that wicker tinker toy was the Trojan Horse,
but now y�all inside it, I see it just a raggedy-assed fruit basket.
And yo toga look like a dishrag.�

Tearing her hair, Queen Hecuba led

her waxen-faced ladies in an ebon procession
to Athena�s white temple, hoping the goddess
would pity their plight, grant Troy gray-eyed mercy.
Greeks and Dardanians, all there assembled, hearing the wail
added their voices to the keening and crying
and it is said that even Olympus covered its face
for the great lamentation:
�Damn.�