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SHRINK ASSAULT:
A Bitter Humor Look at the Psychs' Evil
Empire
Lorenzo Samuel
Adair Publishing, Clearwater, Florida
SHRINK ASSAULT:
A Bitter Humor Look at the Psychs' Evil
Empire
By Lorenzo Samuel
Published by
Adair Publishing
Post Office Box 8494
Clearwater, Florida 33758-8494
USA
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or
transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical
t
including photocopying
t
recording or by any information storage and
retrieval system without written permission from the authof
t
except for
inclusion of brief quotations in a review or in handouts for instructional
purposes.
Copyright (c) 2000
by Lorenzo Samuel
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN 0-9677269-3-X
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 99-091776
Table of Contents
Warning
How to read this book
Chapter One
Genesis
Chapter Two
Dr. Jekyl is Mr. Hyde
Chapter Three
Tweaking the attitude:
Psychology and psychiatry as Control
Psychology and psychiatry as Destroyer
Psychology and psychiatry as Punishment
Psychology and psychiatry as Guide
Psychology and psychiatry as Morals
Psychology and psychiatry as Education
Psychology and psychiatry as Politics
Psychology and psychiatry as Justice
Psychology and psychiatry as Conquest
Psychology and psychiatry as Civilization
Chapter Four
The main meal:
Bitter humor
Index
6
7
9
13
14
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
188
Shrink Assault 6
WARNING!
DO NOT READ TIDS BOOK FOR MORE
THAN THIRTY MINUTES AT ONE SITTING!
Then, how do you read this book? There is no point in sitting down all
comfy in your nice chair for a pleasant read. Reading this book is like
looking out your bedroom window just in time to see your neighbor
butcher his wife with a machete, then while you are recovering from
shock and rushing to dial 911, your spouse makes a distasteful joke about
the affair. You can't believe it. "Are you out of your mind?" you scream.
"A horrible thing has just happened over there!"
This book is full of horrific things and God help you if you're an imagina-
tive type. You need to read this book in small doses like people used to
take arsenic for the shakes. I do not recommend that you read it while
you are alone either. You might become depressed and need someone
friendly to talk to. You can prepare yourself though by shuddering in
anticipation when you turn to a new page. But, when you try to laugh and
you can't, when you think, "That's disgusting. What's humorous about
that? Only a sick mind would dream that up," close the book, put it on
the shelf and tum on the TV.
Hopefully, you've read to here before leaping wildly through the book
trying to find bitter humor. If that's what you're here for, well, go right to
Chapter Four and start off. Chapter One covers how I came to write the
book. So what? you say. Okay, how about Chapter Two, which lays
down some of the background for the book and starts the ball rolling so to
speak. Shouldn't you read that? Hmm. You say you're here only for the
humor, huh? Humbly, I beseech you to consider Chapter Three - ten es-
says, appetizers that will launch you into the main meal with a jaundiced
attitude. All right all ready, go to Chapter Four and read some ')okes."
Then, come back and read the earlier chapters. Remember though, no
more than thirty minutes at anyone sitting.
Shrink Assault 7
Chapter One
Genesis
Originally, the bitter humor in this book was published on the Internet
from 1996 through 1998 to rave reviews. At that time, I sent ten bitter
humor pieces each week to a mailing list that grew by the hundreds as
more and more people became aware of the assault against society led by
psychologists and psychiatrists. I created much of the humor out of per-
sonal experiences, newspaper accounts, pamphlets, books and psycho-
logical and psychiatric texts. Appropriately, these pieces are called
"black humor," which is humor applied to tragic circumstances. Such
humor is hard to pull off, but when done well, makes powerful statements
about human conditions. Some of our most hard-hitting movies have
been black.
The other major category of joke in the book is the "bashing" variety.
Here you'll find jokes akin to ethnic humor, attorney jokes and juvenile
thought. Even these jokes, however, are backed by an element of black-
ness. Why would anyone compare a psychiatrist, for instance, to a carrion
eating buzzard if it were not for some underlying and recognizable
tragedy connected with the psychiatric profession? The jokes may be
made up, they may be funny or not, but underneath them, blackness sits.
I first came across the tragedy of psychology in a college course titled,
"General Psychology," yes, old Psych 101. The teacher was a one-armed
Polish refugee from Hitler's death camps. I liked him. He told us
interesting things about his experiments with rats. He told us some of his
personal philosophy and how he was trying to understand how such a
terrible thing as the death camps could have come to be. If the man is still
alive, I bet you he is one despondent fellow. I'll lay you a hundred to one
he dido't learn a thing from those rats about what motivated the butchers
running the death camps.
That teacher of psychology is fodder for black humor when you realize
that historical research is increasingly pointing the finger toward psychia-
trists (medical doctor psychologists) as the people behind Hitler and the
death camps. My one-armed Pole, it appears, joined the enemy and stud-
ied rats. Ironically, to his death camp tormentors, he was no more than an
experimental animal himself.
Shrink Assault 8
My next experience with the field was in the college course, "Abnonnal
Psychology." The professor viewed severely disturbed people as objects
for study; he did not care about their suffering and he told us so. He told
us that psychology was scientific and human involvement with the objects
of study would be bad science. I was so disgusted that I walked out of
that class. It was not that I didn't understand science. I was a chemistry
major and knew the scientific method well enough. What I objected to
was treating human beings as objects.
Several years passed before a Lutheran minister married me to my first
wife. The minister, who was also a clinical psychologist, later committed
suicide. This wife of mine was being treated by another clinical psy-
chologist who was then under vows as an Episcopal priest. This man
started taking psychiatric drugs, began an affair with a married woman
and later committed suicide.
Several years later I met a psychiatrist from a state mental facility in
Pennsylvania and learned for the first time what real arrogance was.
Those experiences were accidental, but they were enough to start me
questioning psychological premises and practice. One of my first inves-
tigations occurred when I toured a mental hospital in Missouri and saw a
psychiatrist lecturing his residents in the most degrading objective tenns
about a lady who was sitting in front of them where she could hear every
word. She was obviously stung by his unfeeling words about her.
I could tell you about psychologists and psychiatrists lying in court under
oath and passing it off as expert opinion, immune from peIjury; about
psychologists, pretending to be experts in surrogate parenting, guilefully
divulging how they had deceived their clients. However, my personal
knowledge is nothing compared with the many tragic circumstances oc-
curring daily in schools, clinics, courts, church, and medicine resulting
from the incursion of psychology into those areas.
One day, while telling a friend about a particularly terrible occurrence, I
added a remark along the lines of, "Oh, well, maybe we should learn from
the psychs' assurances and not the facts." Incredibly, my friend laughed,
catching me off my guard. Gradually, one liners started peppering my
conversations about psychology and psychiatry and the tragedies they
create. From there, the humor just grew.
Shrink Assault 9
Chapter T1J!JJ.
Dr. Jekyl is Mr. Hyde
The purpose of this book is to make fun of the psych-induced destruction
of creativity, intellect, memory and lives. .
Psychiatry, psychology and related callings are under severe and
ever-increasing criticism. To date, their practitioners have withstood what
to them are ignorant cavilings indicative of underlying mental illness, but
their position as authorities in human behavior is waning fast. Is there any
hope for them, then, or have they built into their profession too many
fixed ideas of self importance to permit significant change?
Within these pages, they have a chance to look at themselves as others see
them. I do seek a change in their viewpoint, not through rational persua-
sion, for they are immune to such, but by means of vitriolic humor. If
they can muster the courage to read bitter humor about themselves,
perhaps they will be able to see what they are doing, and change. Alas, I
fear I harbor a futile hope!
But oh, can you see it? Vignettes from this book used to open meetings,
symposia and conventions; jokes herein used to stimulate lagging student
interest. Certainly, much of what follows could provide notable remarks
at cocktail parties or in bars. Imagine going into a psych's office to find a
copy of this book on the reception room table along with National Geo-
graphic and People Magazine. A psych could nail down his profession's
coffin lid with this book.
Past humor about psychs hasn't cut true. The jokes t e n d e r e ~ allegedly
about pyschs, were often more about the condition of insanity. Some
psych humor portrays the shrink as sort of a bumbler trying to cope with
the amusing craziness of people. The common reader may relate to this,
but the shrink isn't exposed therein as the butcher he is. He escapes con-
demnation by being passed off as an innocent bumbler.
Underneath this bumbler is a snide person doing vicious things. There-
fore, we must delve into the underlying viciousness to arrive at a genre of
shrink humor that accurately portrays the field. In this book, I have at-
tempted to establish a new standard for psych humor.
Shrink Assault 10
Hopefully, this book will lead to many discussions among the brothers
and sisters, but it should find its best use in the non-psych community.
Those who portray psychs in plays, books, newspapers, magazines, tele-
vision, movies and the Internet should find the following material condu-
cive to the creation of many plots and character studies about psychs and
the tragic hann their profession causes.
I would think that this book would be must-reading for any parent. Per-
haps, it would impel us to head off the wholesale conversion of our
schools into psychological laboratories. And I would like to see all stu-
dents considering a profession in psychology or psychiatry to have
dog-eared copies of this book in their satchels and backpacks and on their
bookshelves. Maybe then, they'd choose to enter useful professions.
Whoa, do I hear some psychs in the closet mumbling about changing their
professions too? Well, hear this - any psych so doing would gain our
esteem, for she or he would be reentering the human race. You thought
psychs were already a part of the race, did you? No, though psychs would
be included in the definition of human beings if one were to believe our
dictionaries, I suspect these dictionaries of having sold out to the enemy.
I have written a definition for human being and psychs do not fit into it.
In my definition, the world of man is divided into human beings and
shrinks. Now, people don't have to feel guilty about being in the same
species with those guys. The odd thing about my definition, though, is
that even psychs can agree to it. People are mentally ill and shrinks are
shrinks.
Shrinks consider that the illness suffered by human beings is essentially
this: humans insist on adjusting their environment to suit their own ends.
The shrink knows that to become well, humans must adjust to their envi-
ronment, accept it and live in it without making a ruckus. Because the
shrink pursues this end, he is the darling of governments. Nevertheless,
all creativity depends upon one's ability to adjust external factors to the
benefit of self and others.
Governments want psychs to prevent riots and dissidence. They give
them billions of dollars in such hope. Euphemistically, this is called pro-
moting the mental health of the citizens. Psych failures in the mental
health field are so at odds with their self-proclaimed position as authori-
ties that the only conclusion the government can come to is that the
psychs need more money. That kind of non-sequitur reasoning agrees
Shrink Assault 11
well with psych thought. The logic goes, "a billion dollars wasn't enough,
give us a trillion!"
The psych's crowning achievement in recent years in the promotion of
mental health is drugging school children so that they will sit still while
being confused by their teachers. It is quite a problem for the teacher
when Johnny wiggles around and throws spit balls as she tries to teach
him verb conjugation. More of a problem when he looks out the window
in crushing boredom. Serious meetings are held then with Johnny's
parents - they are surprised to hear that Johnny has a mental disease, but
oh so glad to learn that it can be controlled with specially designed psy-
chiatric wonder drugs. Johnny is given the drugs with no more fanfare
than as if they were his daily multivitamin. Wonderfully, his confusion no
longer manifests itself on the environment, but stays internal; he sits in
class bubbling inside, a silent sufferer no longer throwing spit balls, no
longer dreaming, but he keeps a knife safe in a drawer at home and he
knows where the guns are kept.
Johnny has been primed for a special class where he will learn that death
is no big deal.
Later on, Johnny will switch to pot and other street drugs, including ge-
neric concoctions of the same drugs the psychs gave him. School psychs
teach the kids to be tolerant of Johnny because his behavior is one of the
legitimate forms of expression in their environment. When Johnny grows
up he will become a potential psych customer. When Johnny kills himself
or another or others, becomes homeless or commits crimes or destroys his
marriage, the shrink will say that if the government would only cough up
more money, he could solve these problems.
Psychology is the sociological cancer.
Mainly because government has given the psych money, shrink influence
and presence has grown out of control. Medical doctor psychs started out
small, first finding a niche in custodial care. Violent people had always
posed a problem to their custodians. These alienists (old name for
shrinks) became the "experts
ll
in providing violent people with custodial
care. Their solution was to keep the violent ones quiet. Sawed out brains,
restraints and tortures often worked to quiet them. This violence on the
violent to make them quiet was the shrinks' ultimate "success." They
have been riding that IIsuccessll ever since, becoming the authorities in
keeping people quiet.
Shrink Assault 12
Into families, schools, churches, employment they rode with their
quiet-them message disguised as mental health. They rode in to quiet
those supposedly prone to violence: nervous spouses, stressed creative
people, active children, "strange" people, deviant politicos, family embar-
rassments, criminals, zealots, those with different ideas, your neighbor,
your relative, you.
Wake up, they're here!
Some of the humor pieces that follow are straight-out jokes - you might
find them amusing, or not. Many of the others are recognizably black; all
stem from a black humor mindset - you might think some are stupid, not
funny, maybe even nauseating. People have told me that some of them
are unfair, either that they don't portray reality or that they are mere psych
bashing. That's fine, I tell them. Fairness is not part ofjoke making. The
psych profession deserves to be bashed like no other I know.
It's all a part of black, or bitter, humor, an interesting fonn. "Black," in
the sense I use it, is gloomy, pessimistic, or dismal. "Humor" is the
faculty of perceiving, appreciating, or expressing what is amusing or
comical. How can those two words be used together? Well, that's the
trick. Read on.
Psychs are good subjects for black humor because they do harmful and
tragic things that they try to pass off as useful. Only black humor is caus-
tic and vitrioHc enough to suffice to poke fun at their world. Such humor
often evokes strong rejection at the borderline of amusement and disgust.
The same piece will be amusing to one person and disgusting to another.
Various degrees of blackness are possible and you will find them all
herein. If a piece seems too serious to be humorous, chalk it up to reality.
Peruse what follows. I hope you tread that borderland between disgust
and humor with some enjoyment, but not too much.
Shrink Assault 13
Chapter Three
Tweaking the Attitude
Psychology and Psychiatry as Control
Psychology and psychiatry are control mechanisms used by government
under the guise of mental health. To make this outlandish proposition
more acceptable, consider the function of government: to exercise
authority in controlling the actions of the people under its jurisdiction and
directing the affairs of state in order to maintain public order and promote
the common welfare. By definition then, control is, qualitatively at least,
fifty percent of government.
Control is for the purpose of maintaining public order and promoting
common welfare. Political scientists may separate maintaining public or-
der from promoting the common welfare, but politicians are likely to re-
late them as follows: 1) To maintain public order, the welfare of the peo-
ple must be enhanced, or 2) To promote the common welfare, order must
be maintained. The two major political parties in the USA can be divided
roughly along these two points of view. But, that is an aside. Maintaining
public order and promoting the common welfare are dependent upon each
other.
The two concepts may be dependent, but they are not the same thing. A
sane person would see the difference between public order and common
welfare; the insane would see them as the same. Take the mental health
Shrink Assault 14
of citizens. Logically, this falls under the common welfare. Not to the
irrational person however. To that person, the mental health of the
citizens falls under "public order =common welfare."
Government uses control to maintain public order and promote the com-
mon welfare. When the two concepts are identified with each other, con-
trol becomes identified with them as well. Our equation then expands to
this identity, control = public order = common welfare.
Psychology and psychiatry, consummated with government under the De-
partment of Education and the National Institutes of Mental Health, would
seem to fall under promoting the common welfare. But, consider the
three term equation above. We get the following idiocy: In order to im-
prove the mental welfare of people, you must control them. We might as
well say, improving mental welfare is controlling the people.
The viewpoint of "control = public order = common welfare" has not al-
ways been current. It only began with the infiltration of psychological
thought into government about fifty-five years ago. It is a psych-pro-
duced phenomena. Instead of saying that government uses psychs to
control the people, let us go one step deeper - psychs use government to
get money in order to control people. Psychs infiltrated the government
to get authorization and money to control the people. One main result of
this was formation of the National Institutes of Mental Health, a main
channel for the distribution of our money to the psychs.
In medicine, law, education and counseling, we see the control
mechanism of psychology and psychiatry at work. The widespread drug-
ging of adults and, sadly, children is the direct result of this philosophy of
control. If the common welfare was treated separately from public order
and if mental health was relegated to where it belongs, namely common
welfare, then psychology and psychiatry would have taken an entirely
different direction in the United States.
Psychology and Psychiatry as Destroyer
Ernest Hemingway was only one of many creative people destroyed by
psychiatry and psychology. He was given electroshock. Afterwards, he
told a friend, "It was a brilliant cure, but we lost the patient." His mem-
ory, which fed his great creative writing gift, had been decimated. Not
able to pursue his purpose in life, to write, he committed suicide. We lost
a great author. It was an irreparable loss.
Shrink Assault 15
Those psychs and their assistants who administered the shock to Mr.
Hemingway should have been prosecuted for assault and battery and
manslaughter at least. If we applied to psychs the same standards as we
do to the man in the street, we'd have thousands of convictions a year, for
many thousands are being harmed and destroyed each year with psych
treatments.
This is only the tip of a vaster, more broad based destruction of society.
Within our schools, huge sections of our future are being destroyed
through psych influence. The design is to thwart the aspirations ofschool
children under the mistaken notion that, otherwise, many will become de-
spondent about being under achievers. The thwarting is done by lowering
ethical standards and promoting acceptance of immoral conduct as normal
expressions of life. It is done by making low standards acceptable. In the
case ofsome six million children as of 1999, it is done with drugs.
Sociologically, the goal is to destroy moral standards. Chiefly, the main
target is the concept of right and wrong. Two of the major defenders of
the concept of right and wrong conduct have been the Law and the
Church. Once, education would have been included as a defender, but no
more. In the public and secular private schools, the destruction of the
concept of right and wrong is all but complete. This is the end product of
the introduction of psychology into the teachers colleges many years ago.
The idea there was change the teachers and they'd accept psych changes
in education. And, that's what happened.
Psychs have infiltrated church seminaries of major denominations. The
goal here is to transform the idea of moral dilemma into the idea of mental
illness. They want the clergyman to counsel his or her parishioners using
psych methods or to refer them to psychs. The first step is to get church
agreement that emotionally ill parishioners should be treated by psych
trained counselors. The second step is to increase the number of emo-
tionally ill by increasing the number of invented mental diseases. This is
well along.
The Law has been the hardest nut to crack for the psychs. They have tried
through testifying in court as experts in human conduct. Their opinions
often decide cases in which mental health is an aspect. Their goal is to
convince the legal community that all crime and all dispute are symptoms
of mental illness and has nothing to do with right and wrong. For the most
part, the Law has resisted psych infiltration into law schools. Still, I expect
we'll see psychs on law school faculties soon enough.
Shrink Assault 16
Psychs are involved in destruction because they are conducting a war
against society to make psychology the guiding philosophy of life. They
have succeeded to the extent they have, not because they are smart gen-
erals and good soldiers, but because they have been working under cover
of doing something else. They have been pursuing a fifth column activity,
pretending to help, pretending to heal, while doing something entirely
different.
Psychology and Psychiatry as Punishment
There is such a thing as Public Relations (PR) positioning. The purpose
of PR positioning is to create in your public how you want them to view
you. This is not uncommon or unusual. PR positioning is probably as old
as language. The PR position may range from the truth down to total
falsehood and depends upon the agenda and ethics of the positioner.
Psychology and psychiatry (P&P) has used PR to position itself as treater
of mental illness. This is a falsehood, a cover up for the actual agenda.
The agenda of P&P is control (see the essay on that point). The public
experiences that control as punishment. Treatment is the PR term for psy-
chological punishment. Okay, now that I've made these categorical
statements, let's examine them. Punishment is discipline for disapproved
acts. In P&P, the disapproved acts are abnormal behavior. Abnormal
behavior is that behavior P&P views as out of control.
P&P did not make too much of a stir as long as it and its public agreed on
what was abnormal behavior. For example, both would agree that
running naked through a crowded supermarket is abnormal. This
agreement on some of human behavior being abnormal empowered P&P
to invent other abnormalities. Consider a child who daydreams instead of
paying attention to the teacher or who has to be called several times be-
fore he or she responds or who runs into the street without looking for
cars. P&P has stated that this behavior is abnormal and has given it as
symptomatic of an invented mental disease it has named Attention Deficit
Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Most of the population does not see the
above behavior as abnormal, instead finding it a normal temporary phase
that some kids pass through.
In many cases, the behavior leading to a diagnosis of ADHD results in
punishment by drugging. Typically, a school psych or psych minion con-
vinces the child's parents that the child is manifesting the abnormalities of
Shrink Assault 17
ADHD. Once that agreement has been established, first that the behavior
is occurring and second that it is abnonnal, ''treatment'' is discussed. At
this point, unbeknownst to the parents certainly, and sometimes even to
the psych, a PR caper is being pulled off. What is really being said is,
"You're child is out of control and, if something isn't done about it now,
she or he will go more out of control in the future. Therefore, we must
punish your child so that she or he becomes controllable and controlled."
The results of punishment are observable. The shame and withdrawal of
the punished person is commonplace. Observe some child who has been
drugged for the first time, someone who has just received electroshock for
the first time, someone after their first psychotherapy session, someone
after their first group therapy meeting, school children after their first "it's
okay if it feels good" playacting. But, they, like criminals, become hard-
ened to it after a while and you see different manifestations.
One of the functions of the National Institutes of Mental Health is to carry
fonvard this PR campaign. The Institutes are in the executive branch of
the federal government, so it is not a surprise that recently the President,
Vice-President and their wives pushed the Institutes' PR line claiming that
mental treatment was no disgrace and nothing to be ashamed of. The goal
of those pronouncements was to remove the "stigma" of mental treatment,
so that more mental treatment could be given. Read this as a PR cover up
for an exercise in control of the people under threat of punishment.
Psychology and Psychiatry as Guide
Would it be too much to expect a science of human behavior to provide a
simple guide to living? If psychology and psychiatry (P&P) are at the top
of the heap in understanding how man functions socially, shouldn't we be
able to look to them for some rules, some do's and don'ts?
To guide is to point out the way and lead one toward a goal. A fishing
guide takes you to where they're biting and shows you where to cast the
lure. Sabbath teachers point out the rules to good behavior and help ad-
herents to follow them. Cookbooks are guides to finished food dishes.
There are many guides. Think of all the how-to books out there. They
help one achieve one's projects and goals. Some P&P'ers have attempted
to formulate guides. Primarily, they do it to bring in business.
Some P&P guides are interesting enough to reach the level of fad. But,
like all fads, they fade rapidly away into the dust bins of the world. And,
Shrink Assault 18
in their wake? Don't look for much in the way of changed culture or
happier people. Come right down to it, we don't expect much from them
after we've placed our friends into their oddity classifications.
The P&P guides fail for one reason and a corollary (secondary) reason.
First, the presumed goal is not the goal ofP&P. For instance, say the title
of the guide is, "How to Cope with your Fears." You think the goal is
being able to cope with your fears. However, this is a specious goal for
P&P. The goal of P&P can be variously stated as, controlled people,
quiet people, people who do not bother others. Your fears can be tearing
you apart, but P&P doesn't care as long as you don't cause anyone else
concern. Secondly, the route given to reach a specious goal must be itself
specious.
A woman friend of mine once lent me The Art ofLoving by Eric Fromm.
Eric was a famous psychoanalyst forty years ago. His book appeared to
be a guide on how to love. My friend had underlined appropriate pas-
sages, I thought at the time, in an attempt to lure me into acceptable hab-
its. Later, in discussing it with her, I found that she had simply read the
book and underlined things with which she agreed. The book didn't
change her approach to love in any way that I could see. It sat on her
bookshelf for years, then one day she decided to have a yard sale.
Psychology and Psychiatry as Morals
Morals can be defined as principles of conduct and behavior relating to
right and wrong. Do psychology and psychiatry (P&P) give us principles
of conduct and behavior relating to right and wrong? The simple answer
would be no. The complex answer is also no.
This conclusion is based on the fact that within P&P there is no such thing
as right and wrong. There are only varying degrees of sanity
(adjustment). Let's rephrase our definition of morals so that P&P can fit
in. Say that morals are principles of conduct and behavior relating to
sanity and insanity. Now, the question - does P&P give us principles of
conduct and behavior relating to sanity and insanity? Yes, by the tonI
P&P maintains lists and manuals and texts of sYmptomatic behavior. If
one exhibits behavior mentioned in these lists or manuals, he or she has a
neurosis, a psychosis or a tendency (warning sign) towards such. There
are hundreds (may be thousands now) of behavior patterns, anyone of
Shrink Assault 19
which qualify one for special handling or treatment. We have to do a
little turn around to make the symptoms into principles though.
An example of a symptom: "Obsessively thinks about something or
someone." (I haven't verified this in any manual, but it sounds like it
ought to be one, right?) To make a principle out of this, we could say,
"One should not obsessively think about something or someone." Do this
with each of the hundreds of so-called symptoms and there will be your
list of principles of conduct and behavior relating to sanity and insanity.
Our list wouldn't be an old stodgy thing either. P&P invents new diseases
whenever it wants to. Only a few holes need to be filled. There are still a
couple of things we do that are not yet on any list. In the next few years,
I'll wager, every bit of human activity will be symptomatic of some neu-
rosis, psychosis or tendency thereto. Then, we can make a complete list
of morals.
If you're thinking, "darned if I want to memorize a thousand plus princi-
ples," don't worry. You don't have to learn a one of them. You just do
whatever you please. Good old P&P will let you know if you've crossed
the line too far. After all, we're not talking right and wrong here.
Psychology and Psychiatry as Education
That something can be taught doesn't mean it is useful, true or beneficial.
Of course, psychology and psychiatry (P&P) can be taught. A person can
be educated in those subjects. Psychology was introduced into teachers
colleges before the mid-20th century. A good research project would be
to find out why that was done. One hypothesis is that teachers shouldn't
teach without knowing what makes school kids tick.
Here's an eighteen year old girl. She's been dallying in human relation-
ships since she was 0 years old. Now, she's in Psych 101 class. She
might learn that people see and hear and use other senses to interpret
signals from their external world. She might learn that their responses to
these signals depend on how they process the information they have re-
ceived. She might learn that if stuff is askew in their bodies, it could mess
up their responses to external stimuli. I remember thinking one day in
Psych 101, "Hey, these guys know what's going on!" But, do they?
A civil engineer learns how to build bridges. She goes to work for a com-
pany that builds bridges. She apprentices there and, eventually, she can
Shrink Assault 20
build bridges. An English major learns to read, write and analyze English.
He goes to work for a magazine. He apprentices there and, eventually, he
can edit a magazine.
The psychology major has a harder row to hoe. She learns about psychol-
ogy. She goes to work for a clinic that does 1 She apprentices there
and, eventually, she can 1 Maybe, she goes to work for an
advertising agency. That's it, she's learned what makes people tick, so
she's the perfect choice. She tries to bring her education to bear on pre-
paring ad copy, but her offerings are rejected. She learns to do it the way
ad people do. Eventually, ifshe's been successful in casting off her psych
education, she could become successful in the ad agency.
In almost every field other than the straight practice of psychology, the
psychology student finds that what she learned doesn't apply to what
she's doing. If it did work, why, bingo, it would spread like an oil slick
over wildlife. Because it doesn't work, psychologists have to work awfully
hard to keep the psychology-over-all idea going.
With psychology, there is no product outside of the field. Therefore,
when you learn psychology, you are learning to produce nothing of use.
Psychology and Psychiatry as Politics
Politics could be said to be the conducting or participating in political
affairs where political implies of or having to do with the government of
human activity. Paralleling this definition, psychology and psychiatry
(P&P) would be the conducting or participating in psychological affairs
where psychological implies having to do with the government of human
activity. The word "government" does not mean the same in the two
definitions and neither does "human activity."
In the political sense, government involves the exercise of law and human
activity is that activity that is subject to law. In the psychological sense,
government involves the use of psychological techniques and human
activity is that activity that is subject to those techniques.
Each group considers the other group to fall under it. If government in the
psychological sense falls under government in the political sense, then
P&P falls under the Law. If government in the political sense falls under
government in the psychological sense, then politics fans under P&P.
Shrink Assault 21
Many statements have been made by prominent psychologists and
psychiatrists that show they believe government in the political sense falls
under government in the psychological sense. In other words, they con-
sider P&P to be above the Law, or to put it bluntly, P&P is the law. Thus,
they find no conflict in seeking to manipulate politics to achieve control
of human behavior.
P&P has, in the main, taken over medicine and education. Their penetra-
tion has been less in the Church and the Law although the inroads are well
developed. Their biggest challenge is in establishing a position of domi-
nance above the Law and above politics.
Their main impediment in the United States is the same one faced by
other despotic groups and movements, the Constitution of the United
States. To get a total political win, they must dispose of the current con-
stitution and replace it with a psychological constitution. If and when that
occurs, P&P will become the ruling oligarchy of the United States. News
at 101
Psychology and Psychiatry as Justice
Let us consider whether the qualities of justice apply to psychology and
psychiatry (P&P). Justice means impartial and fair, or upholding what is
right, just or lawful. Other meanings of the word derive from just, which
means rightful and proper. P&P, then, to be justice, should be impartial
and fair and uphold what is right, just or lawful.
In law, justice includes judging. P&P is judgmental because it attempts to
delineate what is nonnal and what is abnormal behavior. It measures
people against these criteria of abnormality. What's more, it judges based
on the outcome of applying of the criteria. Once judgment comes down,
P&P will decide on the punishment, which might be drugs, electroshock.,
behavior modification or therapy.
Is P&P justice meted our impartially? It appears not. For instance,
women, blacks and old people are more likely to receive electroshock
than are white males in their prime. Being incapable of resistance and
denied choice, children are punished with psychological education
techniques in many schools. These instances are merely a few of many
examples that could be given to illustrate the point. P&P is not impartial,
but like any bully, attacks preferentially those it views as less able to de-
fend themselves.
Shrink Assault 22
Regarding fairness, carry fOlWard the reasoning and conclusions from
above. These may beg the question however. Is P&P a fair system even
if it were applied evenly to everyone? Should the abnormal be punished
at all for being "abnormal?" What degree of abnonnality requires punish-
ment? Is psychological discipline proper punishment? Do people have
the right to be abnormal?
Going further with the definition of justice, let's consider whether P&P
upholds what is right, just and lawful. P&P doesn't view rightness as a
valid concept, so it could not uphold it. In fact, we might even insult P&P
by using such an appellation. Just (rightful, proper) wouldn't work for
P&P either. Proper refers to what is socially acceptable. One of P&P's
goals is to change what is socially acceptable. Therefore, it doesn't up-
hold what is currently socially acceptable. As for law, P&P considers
itself senior, a law unto itself. It doesn't uphold the Law.
For P&P to be considered justice would require a serious redefinition of
tenns.
Psychology and Psychiatry as Conquest
Once upon a time, a bully lived in our neighborhood. He would go up
and down the streets, through back yards and into playgrounds looking for
fights. When he found a fight going on, he'd watch for awhile, then he'd
go tell the mothers of the kids who were fighting. Like as not, we kids
would be interrogated when we got home, then confess and get punished.
That kid wreaked havoc with neighborhood child relationships, I'll tell
you. Years went by until we found out who had told on us. In high
school, a group of us waylaid the kid and beat the stuffing out of him. We
told him why too. After that, anytime one of us got in trouble, we went
looking for that kid. The kid was a coward. He began avoiding us.
When he saw one of us coming, he'd go the other way. And, he didn't tell
on us anymore.
Psychology and psychiatry (P&P) is like that bully. The P&P bully
looked around and saw conflict, then went to the government and told on
us. He told the government that conflict was dangerous because it could
lead to serious things. The government, not quite as bright as our parents
were, had to be told this and it had to be told that it better stop the conflict
or all hell could break loose. You'd get people demanding their rights.
Shrink Assault 23
You'd get tax protesters. You'd get people not wanting to be controlled.
You'd get political movements. Oh, my, what you'd get!
Like that neighborhood bully, the P&P bully is on a mission of conquest.
Being cowards both, they could not carry out their conquest without out-
side help. They had to sneak around and get support and strong hand
backup. Their conquest is to make their neighborhood conform to their
ideas. And, they use the fears of the strong hand to do this. They think
that if all agree with their ideas, they will be safe.
Someday, someone is going to beat the stuffing out of that P&P bully.
Just as we kids took action when we found out who was messing with our
natural relationships, when enough people and organizations find out
who's been disturbing their lives and business, they are going to cancel
out the license of the P&P bully. Wow, will we see relief when that hap-
pens!
Psychology and Psychiatry as Civilization
Civilization is the difference between mind and brain. Civilization is an
advanced stage of social development in which people, organizations and
governments act in a refined manner. Mind is that part of a person that is
used to pose and resolve problems, consider, think and know. Brain is
that part of the central nervous system that reacts to physical stimuli re-
ceived by and from the body.
The formula for civilization is C = M - B; where M = mind, B = brain = a
near constant, and C = civilization. Thus, C is directly proportional to M.
As M approaches B, C approaches O. Therefore, at M = B, C =O. Psy-
chology and psychiatry (P&P) concerns itself solely with the brain. In
fact P&P equates mind with brain. So, we see that P&P is a drag on
civilization.
Shrink Assault 24
Chapter Four
The main meal
***
Bernard Shaw said, "When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth."
***
"The line between actually very serious and actually very funny is
actually very thin." John Le Carre
***
Shrinkologist: A generic term standing for psychologist, psychotherapist,
psychoanalyst, psychiatrist, or anyone else who shrinks for a living.
***
How can you tell a shrinkologist at a party?
He's the person who is alone, even when apparently with someone.
***
Reporter: "How do you account for the number of teen suicides increasing
threefold from 1960 to 1993 coincident with the sevenfold increase in
school psychologists during that same period?"
Shrink: "As the problems of youth increase, more psychologists are
needed to address them. II
***
The Dean told students embarking on their careers in shrinkology that
each one of them could be a researcher in the laboratory of life, to wit:
their offices, clinics, hospitals, asylums, schools, prisons and so on. He
encouraged them all to observe and write up their findings in the
Shrink Assault 25
never-ending quest for knowledge about human behavior and mental ills.
One little darling blurted out that she only wanted to help people, not re-
search. The Dean, chastising her before the assemblage, said, "If that's all
you're here for, young lady, I suggest that you look into another profes-
sion."
***
Dr. Psych underwent electroshock to prove that it would have no effect on
him. He spends most of his time at home now being cared for by his wife.
He is still stupid, but no longer arrogant. Have you met an arrogant
vegetable lately?
***
Two psychologists were about to pass each other in the school hallway
when, with apparent politeness, one of them said, "Good morning."
Confused, but trying to hide it, the other one wondered, "What could he
have meant by that?"
***
Why would a pelican make a great psychologist?
He knows how to stretch his bill.
***
Why should psychiatrists be hung?
So they can have a visible means of support.
***
Who's less intelligent than a psych?
Joe the frog.
***
Two psychs were fishing when one landed a lunker. "This is a wonderful
place to fish," said one, "How are we going to remember where it is?"
The other shrink immediately jumped overboard and stayed underwater
for a few minutes, then climbed back into the boat and said, III painted an
Shrink Assault 26
X on the bottom of the boat so we'll remember where this spot is." The
first psych, knowing himself to be the brighter one, replied, "You idiot,
what if next time we get a different boat?"
***
What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a catfish?
One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.
Upon hearing this, Dr. Braintwister gave forth with a pretended laugh, but
cataloged the joke silently as an example of society's oral fixation.
***
What's the difference between a spin bin doctor and a homicidal maniac?
About twelve years of schooling.
***
Why should a psych practice near a cemetery?
As a convenience to his patients.
***
Oh, so perceptive - Scottish psych Reginald Passmore "discovered" an
eating disorder, fear of modem foods, brought about, he said, by "the
constant media barrage that makes people believe modern foods are
poisonous, inadequate, and so forth. II
***
A psych passed by a house and saw a colleague beating his child with a
French roll. Deciding it was none of his business, he went on home. The
next day he saw his colleague beating the child with a loaf of bread, but
he continued along as he had done the previous day. The third day he saw
his colleague beating his child with a Devils food cake. Thinking this was
some new fonn of therapy, he went up and asked, "Why are you beating
him with a cake?"
His colleague replied, "It's his birthday."
***
What do you call a busload of psychologists driving off a cliff?
A good start.
Shrink Assault 27
***
How do you keep a shrink from going mad in August?
Shoot him in July.
***
Hired by an airline to help identify terrorist highjackers, two shrinks made
up a list of terrorist personality characteristics to assist security forces in
identifying dangerous suspects. The airline stopped using the list,
however, after discovering that a disproportionate number of people
stopped for questioning were mental health professionals
***
Why should a psych practice near a cemetery?
As a convenience to his patients.
***
Two psychs had locked themselves out of their car.
Psych A: "Let's get a coat hanger."
Psych B: "No, better not, passersby might think we are car thieves."
Psych A: "How about breaking the window?"
Psych B: "No, my car alarm is on and it would bring the police!"
Psych A: "Well we'd better do something fast, It looks like rain and with
your top down it would definitely ruin the interior."
***
A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada
Hotel where the American Psychiatric Association was holding its Annual
Convention. More than 500 psychiatrists were taken as hostages. The
terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they
would release one psych every hour.
Shrink Assault 28
***
Dr. Terror was smirking
t
so Dr. Butcher asked
t
"What's so funny?"
Terror replied
t
"I just heard something amusing about a colleague: He
has sex with his patients. II
Butcher asked, "What's the joke?1I
Terror replied, "He doesn't charge anything!1I
***
A male psych was crying on the beach, and another psych came along:
Psych A: "Why are you crying?1I
Psych B: "I had a great practice. I was embezzling funds from the
hospital, raping my male patients, drugging my female patients and taking
pornographic pictures of them, and the hospital fired me! I don't know if
anyone will hire me now. II
Psych A: "Why don't you get ajob in another field?"
Psych B: "What! and stop helping people?1I
***
Why are psychiatrists called shrinks?
Their numbers grow smaller with each passing year.
***
Why can't psychs go to the beach nowadays?
Dogs keep trying to bury them in the sand.
***
Why is a dead psych like a dead duck?
Both are done quacking.
Shrink Assault 29
~ ...........................
7
***
An experienced shrink commented, "I think that child psychiatry in
particular has been asked to run before it can walk. In other words, we
are trying to put into practice a whole lot of ideas and theories that have
never been absolutely proved. There is danger that we dash in and say,
'Thou shalt bring up thy children in such and such a way' before we really
know what the Hell we are doing."
Now, they know what they're doing.. Drug the kid and don't worry about
upbringing!
***
The head of the department put a new psych in charge of ECT
(Electro-convulsive therapy, or electroshock), and was showing him the
machine. As he turned away the psych yelled, "YEOW!t1 "What's the
matter?" asked the Department head.
"I dunno," the psych said, "I just put this thing up to my head and ...
YEOW{!"
The department head said, "If you think that hurt, wait until you turn it
on."
***
An old saying goes something like this: "Don't throw out the baby with
the bath water." Dr. Curdle Drugalot, upon being interviewed in January
1992 about the head of the Norwegian Psychology Association resigning
after a report was filed about illicit sexual relations the Norse worthy had
had with two patients, expostulated those same words, implying smugly
that the Norseman was of the baby, not of the bath water.
Actually, we respectfully disagree. Any psych who would stoop so low as
to even touch inferiors, let alone have sex with them, needs to get his
priorities straight.
***
Why are shrinks like old time highwaymen?
Shrink Assault 30
Because you either lose your money, your life, or both.
***
Patient: "Oh, doctor. I looked up 'psyche' in the dictionary. It is the root
word from which 'psychologist', 'psychiatrist' and 'psychoanalyst' were
derived. 'Psyche' means breath, spirit, soul or mind. I feel so optimistic
now."
Psych: "Let's examine this manic idea."
***
Why are two psychs living next door to each other like a double-barrel
shotgun?
Because what one misses the other one is sure to kill.
***
Are psychs reliable?
Of course, they lie, and then re-lie.
***
Why are shrinks prime candidates to work at the CIA (Central
Intelligence Agency)?
They already have a license to kill.
***
A ventriloquist was traveling on a back road when his car broke down. A
college kid came over to the fence to see what was happening. "What do
you do?" the man asked the kid.
"During the summer I help watch my mother's sheep, but when school's in
I'm studying to become a psychologist specializing in sex therapy."
Just then, a ewe moseyed over to chew on the grass by the fence.
Thinking he would have a little fun, the ventriloquist threw his voice to
the sheep, and started having a pretended conversation with it. The
budding psych's mother came over to see what was going on when the kid
grabbed her and said, t1Ma, Ma, don't believe a word that ewe says!"
Shrink Assault 31

"Didn't you put an ad in the paper for a psychologist?"

"Yes, I did and I received a bunch of replies, and they all said the same
thing!"
"What did they say?"
"You can have mine."

What do a psych's mouth and a toll booth have in common?

They both open only for pay.

Do you think that shrinks despise us because we won't pay for their
"services"? If it weren't for the government and the insurance companies,
your average shrink would have to become gainfully employed.

Detectives, after immobilizing a suspected murderer, had the police psych

called to the crime scene to assist them with a psychological profile. When
he got there he saw a struggling man bound with chains, handcuffed and
gagged, with blood all over his clothes. Pieces of the victim's body were
strewn about. Among the weapons in the apartment were a chainsaw, a
blow torch and garden shears. The detective asked the psych for his
professional opinion. The psych said "A person who cuts and bums
himself up in front of a gagged, handcuffed and chained guy must have
had extreme masochistic tendencies, but other than that, I couldn't say
without interviewing him."

Did you hear about the psych and the whore who, after an unusually
sordid sexual experience, argued about which of them owed $I00 to the
other?
Shrink Assault 32
***
Psychiatrists at a psychiatric hospital in the Midwest were found to have
misappropriated and embezzled government research funds. The
offending shrinks were forced to resign. A reporter was interviewing a
local psych about the scandal. The shrink surprised the reporter by
expressing sorrow for the departing psychs. "Yes," the local psych said,
"It's too bad. Most of those people don't know how to do anything else."
***
Judge: "You are a despicable criminal who hasn't done anything for other
people and whose treatments don't work, but only result in murders and
suicides! You are a menace to society."
Psych: "That's not fair. Without me, much of our fine police force would
be out of work, our wonderful social workers would have fewer
interesting problems and those brilliant inventors of chemical
straight-jackets would have to seek other employment!"
***
Psych A: "Hey, I heard you had your life history done."
Psych B: "Yeah, but it cost me ten thousand dollars. I'
Psych A: "That's outrageous."
Psych B: "Not really, it only cost me two thousand dollars for the
research, the other eight thousand was to cover it up!"
***
"Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself as a
therapy." Karl Kraus (1874-1936)
***
A psych visited an anti-psych Internet site (psych.crime/) after being
"invited" to link his site to it. He sent back a reply that he did not know
which category to put it under. After a few e-mails back and forth. the
Shrink Assault 33
psych suggested (straight face) that perhaps it belonged in the "ethics"
section.
***
The old lady was lying on the ECf bed, but had yet to be hooked up. Dr.
Bumumgud pointed to the unfortunate lady and said to the new psych
residents crowding around him, "Now notice how tense she is. If we were
to shock her just as she is, what would happen to her?"
New psych A: "Some of her bones might break due to involuntary muscle
contractions. II
Dr. Burnumgud: "Right, and how do we counteract that?1I
New psych B: "By using a muscle relaxant drug."
Dr. Burnumgud: IIRight again; however, the drug increases the likelihood
of heart attack and subsequent death - so why do we use itT'
New psych C, lowering his voice so as not to be overheard by the
technicians: "People with broken bones complain, dead people don't?1I
***
Attorney: IIDoctor, how much is the opposition paying you to stand up in
court today and lie like this?"
Psych: IINot as much as I deserve."
$
***
Psych at party: "This one patient asked me three times why he isn't
getting any results from his therapy. If he asks me again, I'm canceling his
appointments,"
***
Neighbor: "Why did you decide to become a psych?"
Shrink Assault 34
Psych (thinking, "What is this guy really asking?"): "Why do you want to
know?II
Neighbor: "I was just wondering. II
Psych (thinking, "Obsessive, compulsive, what's with this guy?"): "I
wanted to cure people of their delusions."
Neighbor: "That's great, you must feel really good about rendering such
service!"
Psych (thinking, "Just my luck, a mental defective for a neighbor! "):
"Yes, but it's quite a task. People insist on holding onto them. II
***
Did you hear about the psych who escaped a murder charge by showing
that the investigating detectives suffered from blame transference?
***
In an issue of the Los Angeles Times that appeared in the beginning of
May 1996, a front page headline announced that researchers at one of the
local universities had discovered a gene associated with Attention Deficit
Hyperactivity Disorder. My God, I thought, hope exists now for finding
the gene associated with Shrink Disorder. Imagine, if we could perform
gene diagnosis at birth, or before, we could identify babies who would
become shrinks if something wasn't done. I know that something can be
done about it if we can only FIND THAT GENE!
***
Child: "I'm tired of walking in circles."
Therapist: "Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
***
How many psychs does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to screw in the bulb and one to apply the shock.
Shrink Assault 35
***
Three former psych patients were on an Iowa river bank at flood watching
tons of wreckage and debris float down the river when they saw a man
floating by, holding desperately to a piece of wood. The ex-patients
threw a line to the doomed man, thereby saving his life.
Once ashore, the man thanked the three in a somewhat reserved way and
gave them his card, which said, "Francis Drugger, Psychiatrist." As
Drugger thought his rescuers would embarrass him by relating this story
to reporters, thus causing them to sneak around into his personal life and
expose his sex therapy with teenage girls, he offered the three five hours
of psychiatric consultation each, free of charge.
Upon seeing this, they at once hefted up the shrink and chucked him back
into the raging flood waters, whereupon he sunk shrieking, "Why, why?
You saved me! Why throw me back in?"
As he went down for the third time he could barely hear, "One good turn
deserves another. II
***
Interviewer: Dr. Childmold. Has the conversion of children from the
religions of their fathers to the religion of psychology been going forward
per plan?
Dr. Childmold: What on Earth are you talking about? I've been a child
and school psychologist for years and I know of no such plan.
Interviewer: You mean you are ignorant of the main goal of your
profession, to infiltrate secular and religious educational institutions with
psychological dogma?
Dr. Childmold: But, that is only the application of science to our
educational problems. No one could object to that!
After the interview, Dr. Childmold retired to his hotel room. He decided
to undress and relax with a drink. He removed his suit coat, tie, shirt,
shoes and socks, underclothes. Then. he did an amazing thing. He
grabbed his skin and stripped it from his hairy wolf body. He looked
sternly at the bundle of skin in his hands because it was beginning to fail
him. Sheep's clothing was not as successful as it once had been.
Shrink Assault 36
***
A young secretary was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when she found the
school psych standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the psych. "This is important. Everyone else has gone
home. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.
IIExcellent, excellent!" said the psych as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. lIIjust need one copy."
***
Saint Patrick arrives at the pearly gates and rings for entrance. S1. Peter
opens the gate and says, "Oh, Patrick, come right in. You of all have no
tests to take and no judgment to pass."
Patrick is quite pleased that he has been admitted to Heaven so easily, but,
being the curious sort, he just has to ask, "Why have I been admitted
without having to go through any trials, whereas many very good people
are scrutinized in detail?"
St Peter looks surprised that Patrick would even ask. He says, "You are
the guy who drove the psychs out of Ireland, aren't yoU?1I
***
A psych ethics committee taking up behavior of shrinks toward their
patients is like a committee of foxes reviewing the conduct of foxes in
chicken coops.
***
Ignorance is covered up by arrogance and the psych is the most arrogant
of men.
***
A psych was visiting an asylum and was having trouble making a collect
call out Enraged, he yelled at the operator, whereupon one of the inmates
came up, took the phone from him and with politeness got the operator to
place the call correctly. The operator said, IIThanks for your assistance,
sir, now you can put the crazy person back on. "
Shrink Assault 37
***
The rebels took the hotel on Tuesday and locked all the guests in the
ballroom. On Wednesday morning, the rebel chief addressed the
prisoners: "Today, to show our good faith, we will release all women,
children and clergymen. All the others will remain as hostages."
The women and children went through rapidly as there was no doubt who
they were, but the clergymen had to show their credentials. A priest went
through, then a rabbi, then a mullah. Bringing up the rear was Dr.
William Quickfry. He showed the guard his World Psychiatric
Association membership card. The guard scratched his head and said,
"What kind of priest are you?"
Without hesitation, Quickfry responded, "High priest of materialism."
***
Once the patients in a state insane asylum exchanged places with their
psychs as part of some play therapy a brighter than usual shrink had
thought up. The only trouble was that the patients liked their new roles so
much that they refused to change back. This situation persisted for
several weeks until merchants who supplied goods to the asylum noticed
that it was being more sanely and competently run and remarked on the
fact to the director of asylums of the state. The director investigated,
found out what had occurred and set matters straight.
***
Minorities have always posed a threat to the manipulation of government
by vested interests. Freedom movements, hallmarked by the Magna
Charta and the Constitutions of the Western World, have been countered
by moneyed vested interests in league with psychology and psychiatry.
The goal is the identification and control of minority deviant thought.
Whew! Could your average psych be smart enough to know he was doing
that?
Shrink Assault 38
***
What's the difference between a psych and a dog?
One of them is trustworthy, loyal and finds your behavior acceptable.
***
In order to focus attention of shrinks at a psych convention on the serious
problem of suicide among members of the mental health profession, the
moderator had each shrink look at the person on his right and the person
on his left and told them, "One of you will commit suicide within the next
ten years."
Next day, the local newspaper headlined, "Psych Predicts Death of
Colleagues. II Suddenly, sales of newspapers increased, there was a drop
in the crime rate in the city and the local baseball team went on its longest
winning streak of the season.
***
What's the difference between a psych and a rat?
There are some things a rat won't do.
***
Although a lawyer, S1. Ives, was promoted to sainthood, no shrink has
achieved that honor.
***
A top advertising executive on Madison Avenue had noticed over the
years that whenever he let his subordinates use solely psychology-based
advertising techniques. the ad campaign was likely to fail except when it
was saved by some bright idea entirely disrelated to that II science."
After one horrendous failure of a major campaign and threatened loss of
the agency's largest client, the exec decided to take a vacation. Following
Shrink Assault 39
his wife into a curio shop in their seaside vacation spot, the executive
spotted a remarkably lifelike statue of a wino.
He bought it on a lark, but upon exiting the shop, he was immediately
accosted by what seemed to be all the winos and bums in the town. They
all wanted to touch the statue, and when they did, the most wondrous
thing happened: one after another swore to get a job and do something
worthwhile in life.
Being a bright idea man, he went back to the curio shop and found out the
name of the local sculptor who had produced the statue. The executive
found the sculptor, and after a bit of bargaining, the local artist agreed to
produce a statue of a psych.
***
How is a shrink similar to a contraceptive?
They both impede life.
***
Dr. Lightning, prominent shock doctor, accepted a challenge from the
media to prove that electroshock was harmless by undergoing
electroshock treatment himself. As the day approached for the shocker to
voluntarily fry, the consensus of the public about the well-publicized
event was that only a crazy person would do it. After the shocking, Dr.
Lightning appeared to be the same as before, but his staff noticed that he
had more lapses of memory and after a few weeks, he maintained that he
had never undergone shock therapy as only a crazy person would do that.
***
How can shrinks, a profession with the highest suicide rate of any
profession, help others if they can't help themselves?
By self-elimination.
***
Psychology is mental pollution. Help clean up the environment.
Shrink Assault 40
***
What the people think: The function of psychs is to adjust the behavior of
emotionally troubled people so that they feel better and less troubled.
What the rich think: The function of psychs is to adjust the behavior of
people who trouble the rich.
What the government thinks: The function of psychs is to control the
behavior of potential political deviants.
What shrinks think: The function of psychs is to adjust and control the
behavior of everyone except psychs.
***
Considering that shrinks commit criminal acts under the guise of
treatment, why do lawyers use them to testify in court?
Who else would know better how to get away with crime?
***
Child (seeking to amuse): How many shrinks does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Psych: Hmmm, why do you want a light bulb screwed in? Do you have a
fixation about light bulbs? Hmmm, have you been having any dreams
about this? Hmmm, interesting.
***
A 1985 article in a psych journal stated that religious belief comes from
"oral and anal drives."
***
Preacher: What's the difference between psych treatment and selling your
soul to the Devil?
Shrink Assault 41
Johnny: With psych treatment, Hell starts sooner?
Preacher: Johnny, that's close.
Mary: Preacher, I know. When you sell your soul to the Devil, you get to
have some fun before Hell starts.
***
Missed opportunity: With one seat empty, a plane full of psychs crashes
into a mountain.
***
I saw a shrink smile once. It was back in '73 after the psych had
recommended electroshock treatment for a relative. Best I can recollect,
the smile crinkled up from the right comer of his mouth as he told me how
much he had been thanked by relatives of the patients he had permanently
quieted down with electroshock treatments. I didn't find it funny at all
and said so. Right then, that little smile went away, to be replaced by
serious study. I think I fit into a mental disease just about then.
***
A survey of psychs asking what had been the most important development
in psychology in the last twenty years yielded this majority response, "the
drug revolution." Nevertheless, while many people recognize the
inventors of penicillin, polio vaccine, etc., as medical heroes, no one
really knows who invented a particular psych drug or class of drugs.
Perhaps, these inventors don't want to be known for what they have done.
Or maybe, they're just humble.
***
Counsel: "And what did you observe about Ms. Jones that led to your
decision that she is a danger to society?"
Shrink: "When I examined her, she was extremely arrogant, self-centered
and filled with her own self-importance."
Counsel and judge both laugh.
Shrink (perplexed): "What's funny?"
Shrink Assault 42
***
The psych was out walking with his grandmother when granny spotted a
coin in the road. She exclaimed, "Oh my, a quarter!" and darted out to get
it, but was run over by a semi-truck. The psych quickly pocketed the coin,
which turned out to be a nickel, not a quarter as granny had thought. He
was embarrassed that his grandmother would mistake a nickel for a
quarter, but hung around anyway waiting for someone to call 911.
***
Having now "solved" the problem of attention deficit in young children,
certain shrinks have moved on to that attention deficit caused by puberty.
***
A former mental patient, and an avid horsewoman, was recently brought
before the court on the charge of assault and battery of a neighbor. It
seems that the latter had referred to shrinks as horses' asses. The
horsewoman was so outraged at the denigration of her horses that she had
horse-whipped her neighbor within an inch of his life.
***
American shrink Walter Freeman performed over 3,500 psychosurgical
lobotomies during his illustrious career. He characterized the lobotomy
as "mercy killing of the psyche .... patients ... must sacrifice some of the
virtue, of the driving force, creative spirit or soul."
Seems there's always a downside.
***
Proverb: "The less truth in something, the longer to learn it."
Example of the proverb in action: It takes 12 years beyond high school to
become a shrink.
***
Did you hear about the person convicted of murdering a shrink, who,
upon being sentenced by the judge, successfully pled social betterment
and had his sentence reduced?
Shrink Assault 43
***
How many shrinks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Even shrinks can't fit in a light bulb!
***
I hear that a favorite subject of psychs at lunch nowadays is how to
distinguish sex therapy from rape.
***
Examining Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder:
The propensity of shrinks to consider differences abnormal interests me.
For instance, the use of the word "disorder" implies, of course, that
"attention deficit" is abnormal.
Forget that many great artists, musicians, captains of industry, scientists,
and other pioneers couldn't sit still in their youth and were interested in
other things than what was being taught in schools.
But aside from that, most shrinks I have met were certainly different. Does
that mean they are abnormal?
No, the only conclusion one can draw is that the nonnal band is narrow
indeed, being occupied by shrinks and, perhaps, a few others.
***
In order to successfully sue a medical doctor for malpractice, one must
show that the doctor's standard of care was below the standard of care of
doctors of his or her specialty in the community. Psychiatry, being a
medical specialty, falls under this rule, but it's difficult to convict a shrink
of malpractice. Why? The standard of care of psychiatrists as a whole is
so low that it is improbable that anyone shrink would fall below it.
***
What is wrong with the following methods of handling a first grade
student who wiggles in her or his seat?
A. Whack the student on the knuckles with a ruler.
B. Affectionately touch the student to calm him/her down.
Shrink Assault 44
C. Refer the student to the school psychologist for evaluation.
Method A implies that there is such a thing as right and wrong behavior.
Method B could lead to jail time for the teacher.
Method C is right. Wiggling implies deep emotional upset.
***
When a teacher fondles a child affectionately, that is child abuse and a
social ill proclaimed with headlines. When a psych drugs young students
in order to keep them quiet, that is treatment and a social good.
Dr. Kidlust knows how to have the best of both worlds: He drugs fIrst,
fondles second.
***
A psych was before the court on charges connected with burning his
child's hands over a gas burner. On direct examination by his attorney, the
shrink testified that the burning was simply a behavior modification
technique with which he had hoped to teach his child not to play with fife.
The judge told the psych that he wished he could sentence him to Hell so
that he could learn not to sin, but that he was limited by law to giving him
a year in the county jail.
***
Some free association questions for psychs:
"What do you think of when I say 'control under the guise of help'?
"What do you think of when I say 'arrogance under the guise of
detachment' ?
"What do you think of when I say 'ignorance under the guise of
authority'?"
***
Example of psych logic:
Shrink Assault 45
Reporter: "The mass murderers of the 20th century committed their
horrendous crimes after they had received psych drug treatment. What is
your comment to that?"
Shrink: "There's no drug without some side effects.
1I
***
Psych on arriving in Hell - "What an ideal place. These people are so
well controlled, so well adjusted. No trouble to anybody!"
***
What is the theme song of psychiatry and psychology?
The Great Pretender.
***
Upon learning that he was HIV, Dr. Sexbrain wondered which of his
patients was to blame.
***
Prosecutor: II Dr. Drugshock, how do explain all these overcharges to
patients who trusted yoU?1I
Dr. Drugshock: "That was part of their treatment. You see, these patients,
being emotionally immature, misguidingly place their trust in the wrong
places. They must be weaned of that."
Amen!
***
"Psychological activities began in earnest in the mid-nineteenth century.
From the beginning, psychs were involved in the suppression of
individual liberty and, so, have been recruited by governments."
Anonymous.
Shrink Assault 46
Ah, but Mr. Anonymous, you miss the point. A person can only be happy
if he or she conforms to the norm. Isn't that worth giving up a little
personal freedom?
***
Patient (upon receiving a large bill for psych services): "Doctor, I don't
recall receiving these services or even being here on some of the days
listed. II
Psych: "When did you first start having trouble with your memory?"
***
What's the difference between a shrink and a legitimate doctor?
One is crazier than the patient.
***
Upon his death, a New Orleans psych bequeathed $50,000 to a famous
graveyard declaring that it was "an act of restitution to the former patients
he had sent there."
***
How come shrinks can rape their patients and not be charged with a
crime?
Psych: "Treatment is not a crime.II
***
If, as the psychs believe, man is a bunch of chemicals and structures to be
picked apart and examined in excruciating detail to see what makes him
tick, should we not first start with the psychs?
Let us operate on them, probe their brains with chrome plated ice picks,
apply electricity to their bodies, give them calculated doses of insulin
sufficient to convulse them, observe them with dispassionate detachment,
experiment on them, keep them imprisoned in hospital wards and
asylums, put them in chemical straight jackets with mind-altering de-
bilitating drugs, put them through mazes and tests and talk about them in
"learned" journals.
Perhaps then, by thoroughly understanding their amazing brains and their
wonderful synapses, we may realize the perfection toward which we
should strive.
Shrink Assault 47
***
At a party, a game of charades was in progress. The hostess, whose turn
it was, was giving forth with vigorous body movements whereupon she
passed a great volume of gas with a long hiss. A psych present
commented with a smile, "Ah, yes, I got it - 1943, the death camps."
***
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Cadillac with two psychs
in it?
The porcupine's pricks are on the outside.
***
A student was researching medical ethics. On the psychiatric as-
sociation's web site, he saw a link that said "Ethics." Eagerly, he clicked
on it only to come up with "Not Found."
***
How do you know that a shrink is lying?
His lips are moving.
***
Did you hear about the psych who took a personality test and was so
relieved to find that he had none?
***
Fifty people chosen at random were shown the definition, expressed in lay
terms, of a computing psychotic and asked what kind of professional that
described. Over half thought the traits were those of a psychiatrist. Most
of the remainder thought that the characteristics couldn't be traits of any
professional.
Shrink Assault 48
***
Laws have been passed in many states removing the psychs
l
right to rape
patients and commit indiscriminate murder through electric shock. The
Devil, foreseeing the demise of lucrative psych practice, approached a
likely looking shrink.
Devil: "Aren't you tired of making less money than your medical
non-psych colleagues who know half of what you do? Sick of the
disrespect? Exhausted by all the public scrutinyT'
Shrink: "Why, yes, 1am.
tI
Devil: tlJust as 1 thought. So, this is what 1 am going to do for you - a
million dollars per year tax free, all the people to experiment on you
could ever want without the threat of reprisals from the law, your patients
the most desirable possible who will give you their bodies voluntarily, and
the ability for you to convince anyone that he or she has a mental disease.
All you have to give me in return is your immortal soul."
The shrink, pondering long and hard, adjusted his tie several times, stuck
his hands in his pockets, took them out and put them back in, frowned and
puzzled, then finally answered - til donlt get it. What's the catch?tI
***
Psychiatry and psychology will probably be eliminated frrst in Japan as
many Japanese are quite status conscious and would not do anything to
lose face or bring disgrace to their families.
***
How can you tell a level-headed psychologist?
He drools out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.
Shrink Assault 49
***
A business consultant broke away from a young fellow and finally made it
to his seat while his dinner was still warm. He expressed his resentment
about the fellow taking advantage of him at a party by seeking advice on
business problems.
A shrink sitting alongside said, "What concerns you about it?"
The consultant replied, "I don't like people who think they have a right to
get my hard won business knowledge for free. II
"Why don't you send him a bill?" said the psych.
"What a brilliant idea!" said the consultant.
The next day, upon arriving at his office to do just that, the consultant
found a note stating, "For psychological services, $500."
***
Why are shrinks never committed to an asylum?
How can you tell when they go crazy?
***
Did you hear about the naive lawyer who was looking for an honest shrink
to testify to the mental state of his client?
***
There are lots of differences between a psychiatrist and a guy who sells
drugs on the street. For instance, I've never heard of a street pusher
saying to a dissatisfied client, "Hey, man, the stuff didn't work for you?
Okay, let's try these electrodes."
***
English teacher: "What is wrong with the following sentence, 'The insane
psych are here?' II
Shrink Assault 50
Student: "It is redundant. II
***
A patient fell in love with his psych
t
a married woman. He pleaded with
her to come up with some way for them to spend more time together.
Seriously, the psych replied, "Seeing each other in downtrodden bars.
sneaking to motel rooms on the wrong side of town, lying to our spouses
and friends - is that what you want?"
II No,II sighed the discouraged patient.
"Oh, well," said the shrink
t
lIit was just a suggestion. II
***
As a young boy, he liked to torture insects and small animals. When he
was a teenager, he enjoyed peeping in windows at stupid people in
various states of undress. In college, he would become sexually involved
with girls then jilt them for no reason at all.
Near his senior year in college he became depressed with his own lack of
motivation and goals, so he decided to become a psych in order to under-
stand his own behavior. After getting his license, he gave electroshock
and drugs to depressed people who came to him for help.
Finally, he understood that his own depression was only relieved when he
recognized how superior he was to the average man.
***
Woman: II Dr. Shrinkum, how long will I have to be hospitalized for my
depression?1I
Shrinkum (reviewing the insurance information on her patient form):
IIAlthough I canlt promise anything. I think that after about six months
you'll have improved enough to be released. II
***
What do lawyers and shrinks have in common?
One invents the law to administer while the other invents mental diseases
to cure.
Shrink Assault 5I
***
As the female patient ate her banana, the shrink's nether member stirred.
He made a "penis fixation; sexual therapy recommended. II
***
Ronnie was a German Shepherd police dog who had been trained to
attack the most threatening person in a violent confrontation. If he and
his policeman handler came upon someone being robbed, Ronnie would
go after the robber without fail.
One day, a frantic 911 call arrived from a terrified secretary at a psych
clinic at which an outpatient had apparently gone berserk.
When Ronnie and his handler arrived, they were confronted with the
scene of the patient yelling and slashing a butcher knife at a shrink
cowering behind his desk.
The handler loosed Ronnie from his leash, and after only a moment's
the dog leaped for the shrink's throat.
***
Why are most psychiatrists atheists?
They have no conception of anything greater than themselves.
***
Why do psychs not need contraception for birth control?
Their personalities are enough.
***
A patient of Dr. Burnem had committed suicide while under his care.
Seeing an opportunity to pad his bill, the good shrink doubled it before
sending it to the dead woman's husband for payment. The irate husband
phoned the psych and asked how the psych had the gall to send him a bill
under such to which Burnem replied that he had done
everything he could for the woman, but that she had come to him too late.
Nevertheless, the psych was willing to cut the bill in half out of the
Shrink Assault 52
goodness of his heart. As the bill had been substantial, the husband was
grateful for the discount and for Burnem's humanity.
***
Scale ofIntelligence
Shrinks' Opinion Actual Scale
1. Psychs I. Man
2. Man 2. Porpoises
3. Apes 3. Psychs
4. Porpoises 4. Apes
Yes; disbelievers, psychs are smarter than apes.
***
What's a dead shrink called?
A shrunk.
***
As was their habit, the two neighbors were in the kitchen having coffee
and chatting up each other.
Neighbor 1: ItI hear that our new neighbor is a psych."
Neighbor 2: "There goes the neighborhood."
***
Dr. Brainstab went on a camping tour in the backwaters of the Amazon.
The guide explained that a native treatment for festering wounds was to
Shrink Assault 53
apply leeches which sucked away the decaying flesh, leaving them clean
with no chance of gangrene setting in.
The shrink later received a slight cut on the lower leg which began to
fester.
As the party was alongside a marsh which was known to contain vast
quantities of leeches, she put her leg in the water, but was consumed
entire.
***
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Since psychiatrists are rarely held accountable for their actions, probably
an infinite number.
***
From the 1998 psych list of invented diseases: Internet Compulsive
Disorder. Guess this will mandate a new DSM (shrinks' catalog of
invented mental diseases)!
***
A clinical psych on his way home from a tryst was accosted by a thug who
said, "Your money or your life. II
Putting on his most arrogant air, the psych responded, "If you canlt make
such simple decisions, you need professional help.1I
The thug was so dumbfounded by this remark that he shot the shrink, but
forgot to take the money.
***
A psych stepped in a pile of cow dung and thought he was melting.
Shrink Assault 54
***
A young rattlesnake was slithering across a hiking trail when he was
stepped upon by Dr. Pillbrain. The snake whipped around and sank his
fangs into the shrink's leg.
Suddenly. the snake convulsed. shriveled up and died.
Several old rattlers watched this from the grass at the side of the trail.
One hissed to the other. "I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't believe me.
Psychs will backfire on you every time."
***
At trial, the psych expert for the prosecution testified that defendant was
not insane at the time he committed the criminal acts and, therefore, was
responsible for them. Defendant's counsel followed with another psych
expert who stated that defendant had been insane at the time. This
situation occurs daily throughout our great court system and only goes to
show that at least fifty percent of shrinks are either lying or donIt know
what they're talking about.
***
From secret psych ditties:
Who should we shock today?
Who ought we put away?
***
Suggested entries for the Psychs' Diagnostic and Statistical Manual:
Doesn't recognize superiority when he sees it =Reverse Polarity Fixation.
Pays attention to his health = Death Worry Syndrome. Likes to talk =
Obsessive Communication Fixation. Uses a dictionary to learn the
meanings of words =Wordmania. Teacher who is expert in getting her
class's attention =Excessive Attention Disorder.
***
Ten psychs agreed to serve on their association's ethics committee.
Between them they had drugged, electroshocked, operated on, killed and
incarcerated thousands of people. Putting their great minds together they
arrived at their first agenda item: overbilling. Their primary concern
about excessive billing was that it could lead to bad public relations for
the profession.
Shrink Assault 55
***
A deeply religious lady was extremely depressed by her frequent sexual
episodes. Neither daily prayer nor visits to her minister resolved her
nymphomania, so she went to a shrink. After hearing the woman out, the
psych told her that if she committed to twice weekly visits for treatment,
he could help her overcome her compulsive and excessive religiosity.
***
Teacher to her class: "In the 1800's, Germany became the birthplace of
materialistic psychology and psychiatry. In the 1930's and 1940's, under
the Nazi government, shrinks were allowed to experiment upon and
torture human beings. The psychs were not forced to do this, they did it
willingly.
"In the cradle of liberty which is this United States of America, psychs are
given both license and millions of dollars by the government to drug,
shock, experiment on, and otherwise abuse citizens in the name of mental
treatment.
"So, can anyone tell the difference?"
Bright student, tentatively: "One was a fascism and one was a de-
mocracy?"
***
When a psych gets drunk does he become more obnoxious or less
obnoxious?
Less; the only type to do so.
***
Example of psych think:
The daughter of a well known citizen had committed suicide after having
been put on a psychotropic drug. In order to get some background filler
for an article, a reporter was interviewing a local shrink and asked him if
he ever made an error in prescribing a drug.
Shrink: "Of course, for instance, I might prescribe Yanac when some
other drug, like Drozac, was indicated."
Reporter: "Do you think then that Drozac caused this unfortunate girl's
suicide?"
Shrink Assault 56
Shrink: "No, thatls ridiculous. It's the suicidal tendency, not the drug,
which causes suicide. The drug merely suppresses the tendency."
Reporter: "Well, in this case would no drug at all have been better than
Drozac?1I
Shrink: "Oh, I know where you're going with this: the theory that
suppression of a tendency, when the suppression fails, can lead to an
explosion of the tendency. No proof of that, my man."
Reporter: "But, thousands of people have died after taking Drozac!"
Shrink: "You can prove anything with statistics. Here, let me illustrate.
Letls say that 1000 people are going to commit suicide if nothing is done.
These 1000 are put on Drozac. Then 900 commit suicide. Didn't we have
a positive impact here? Didn't we save some lives?"
***
The PR apologist for the local psych association told a reporter that
psychs are just as honest as ordinary people.
***
Hopeless task #152: Finding enough ethical shrinks to people the
American Psychiatric Association's Ethics Committee.
***
Shrink, - verb; 1. to draw back. 2. to contract or lessen in size. 3. to
become reduced in extent or scope. 4. to cause to shrink or contract. -
noun; 5. the act or an instance of shrinking. 6. a shrinking movement. 7.
shrinkage. 8. head shrinker, slang for psychiatrist or psychologist.
***
Oh, my, not another stupid bash!
Where can you find a bunch of posturing ignorant buffoons pretending to
be authorities of they know not what?
At a convention of school psychs.
***
Dr. Luvimall came down with rabies after having had sex with a raccoon.
He was prosecuted on animal cruelty charges. The psych explained that
Shrink Assault 57
this was part of the treatment of one of his male patients. He was just
trying to show his patient that sex with a dead raccoon was no big deal.
The patient corroborated the fact that the raccoon had been deceased at
the time of the alleged act, so Dr. Luvimall was found not guilty of the
charge.
***
Dr. Laimdown, on trial for raping one of his patients, was being cross
examined by the district attorney. The DA was reading from the arresting
officer's report in which the officer referred to the patient as a witness.
"What are you talking about some witness?" the psych challenged. "She
and I were the only ones in the office."
***
What's the difference between a psych and a buzzard?
One of them takes offhis wing tips at night.
***
Why doesn't a shrinkologist wear shrinkwrap clothing?
Because you can see through them anyway.
***
Dr. Birdbrain has been dreaming lately that he is an ostrich. He can't see
anything in his dream though, for he always has his head in the sand. Still,
he is a very superior ostrich because he spent many years learning how to
keep his head in the sand. Some of the inferior ostriches come to him for
help. They believe that any ostrich with its head in the sand must know
how to help them with their problems. They give him ostrich money for
this help. The supreme council ofostriches gives him money to keep other
ostriches from getting any strange ideas that might cause the supreme
council problems. Everything is going along fine, but he sometimes
wishes he could pull his head out of the sand and see what's going on.
***
Why is psychology like a vacuum cleaner?
They both suck!
Shrink Assault 58
***
A shrink's dream of Heaven - Every bit of man's behavior characterized as
one or another mental illness.
***
A shrink's greatest fear - All his toys are taken away: his drugs, his shock
equipment and chemicals, his brain picks and knives, his zombies.
***
Three words which you'll never hear a shrink say and mean.
"I was wrong."
***
A psych is to mental health as a person who thinks two plus two equals
fi ve is to mathematics.
***
NETOMANIA
In a study of 14 so-called Internet "addicts," psychiatrist Nathan Shapira
of the University of Cincinnati said that, on average, the subjects of the
study each had had five psychiatric disorders each.
Shapira thinks that excessive online use should be considered not as a
separate addiction, but as a disorder of impulse control, in the same
category as kleptomania or compulsive shopping.
He suggests the problem be called Intemetomania or Netomania. (from
USA Today 1 Jun 98)
***
Pyschs never die, they just lose their patients.
***
A wealthy shrink and long time member of the elite City Club expired.
As was their custom, the members passed the hat to collect money for the
burial, or in this case, cremation.
A recently admitted member of the club, when it came his turn to
asked what would be the appropriate amount to give.
Shrink Assault 59
When told that no one had given more than five dollars
t
the new member
exclaimed, "Five dollars! Five dollars to cremate a shrink? Why, here's
fifty. Burn ten of them!"
***
Another shrink: "How is that young Hitler doing?"
Young Hitler's shrink: "Fine
t
he's becoming more selective he no
longer wants to kill everyone."
***
The psych was on the stand pretending to be competent in testifying to the
mental state of a dedicated Catholic priest. As the shrink claimed to have
read some religious literature on Christianity, counsel asked him to name
one book, whereupon the shrink mentioned, "A Psychiatric Evaluation of
Jesus," by Dr. Albert Schweitzer.
***
A psych: One who sold his soul in a previous life.
***
What do psychiatrists and sperm have in common?
One in 3
t
OOO
t
OOO has a chance of becoming a human being.
***
The former name for "psychiatrist" was "alienist," which means one
concerned with those who are different or strange. Now
t
we see why
shrinks are mainly concerned with themselves.
***
Moreover, when a group engages in evil -- by which I mean that its
members perpetrate acts which they would hesitate to carry out alone -- it
defines evil as good.
Thomas Szasz to the Foucalt Tribunal. 1998.
Shrink Assault 60
***
A fable:
A male lawyer and a female psych were discussing which of their
professions had contributed the most to society. After tearing each other
down for hours, they seemed to have gained more respect for each other
and an affection was developing.
Lawyer: "You know, since psychology was introduced into education,
medicine and religion, crime and civil litigation have proliferated
dramatically."
Psych (blushing): "Why, thank you. You recognize the debt your
profession owes mine!"
Postscript: The lawyer and the psych were later married, and so dedicated
to each other are they that, whenever he can, the lawyer takes his shrink to
court.
***
What is one disease which will never appear in the shrinks' official
catalog of mental diseases?
The compulsion to invent delusory diseases.
***
When Dr. Gravedigger was undergoing his own psychotherapy at the
beginning of his career, he discovered that he was Sleeping Beauty, Tom
Thumb and Don Juan, all bound up in one. On certain days, he would be
more like Sleeping Beauty, on others, more like Tom Thumb and, on
others, more like Don Juan. The trouble was he never knew which one he
was going to be when he woke up in the morning.
If he was Sleeping Beauty, he'd think he was the most beautiful man in
the world. But, the other aspects of his personality would pipe up and
say, "Hog wash! You're ugly." If he was Tom Thumb, he'd think he was
as tough as a tiny diamond. But, his other selves would say, "Horse ma-
nure! You're just little." If he was Don Juan, he'd think he was the
greatest lover in the world. But, his other delusions would say, "Pig spit!
You're impotent."
Over the course of his psychotherapy, he and his therapist worked on the
problem and finally were able to blend the three personalities into one.
Shrink Assault 61
The solution has worked out very well. Whenever a beautiful new patient
comes into his office, Dr. Gravedigger thinks of Sleeping Beauty and his
tiny penis becomes erect.
***
Patient: "Doctor, I've been depressed ever since 1 first began treatment
with you three ~ e a r s ago. WhyT'
Doctor Makumsic: "You were depressed before, but just didn't know it.
You're making progress!"
***
An ex-patient on the usefulness of psychs:
10
1 canlt think of anything -
perhaps we could grow them for food. 10
***
United States of America war record as a function of psych involvement
on our side:
Early wars - no shrinks - stunning victories.
WWI - hardly any shrinks - victory.
WWII - some shrinks - victory but eventual loss of
economic position.
Korean War - more shrinks - stalemate.
Viet Nam War -lots of shrinks - humiliating loss.
***
Psych hospital admittance patter:
Shrink Assault 62
How much insurance do you have and how many days does it cover?
you are covered for your stay with us. what seems to be the
problem?
***
The psych believes in evolution, but it is a strange evolution ending in
himself.
***
While the psych was being escorted by the Devil into the deeper regions
of they passed another shrink treating a lovely young woman with
drugs, electroshock and sexual therapy. With that, the psych
brightened up. But, when they reached the psych's eternal he was
put to work shoveling coal into the fire. Extremely displeased, he whined
to the Devil about how the other shrink he'd seen got to carry on his
profession while he had to forever shovel coal into the everlasting fire.
The Devil turned to the psych with a smile and said, "Don't worry, you
will have your turn at punishing others."
***
The only danger in shrink roasting is that it might lead to the idea that
society would be better off without them.
***
The shrink's idea of the proper psych PR stance: When you don't know
the answer, pretend you do by mouthing incomprehensibilities.
***
On the powers of psych observation: The chief psych, followed by a
covey of residents, entered the ward where the nurses already had an
elderly female patient sitting in a straightback chair. She was in the
process of sticking the tip of her tongue along the edge of her teeth and
making sucking noises at the same time.
The chief psych laid some shrink jargon on the residents and pretty soon
all were agreed on what psychiatric classification the patient belonged to,
based in part on her strange tonguing and sucking.
Shrink Assault 63
After the intellectual giants left the another patient came up to the
object of their scrutiny and said, "Here, honey, here is a toothpick. That'll
work better than your whereupon the female patient happily
picked pieces of food from between her teeth.
***
After over a century of failing to cure anything, psychs developed one of
the greatest excuses of all time, right up there along with, III forgot.
1I
See
if you can pick out the excuse:
New patient: Doctor, I have been emotionally distraught for I get'
exceedingly nervous for no reason and I can't seem to get along with my
husband anymore.
Psych: You have the classic signs of an impending nervous collapse and
if we donlt do something soon, I'm afraid it will be too late.
New patient: (Relieved) I knew there would be something I could do.
Psych: Now, let me give you one word of warning. There is no such
thing as a cure for neuroses and psychoses. The best we can hope for is to
find a way of controlling them.
If you picked "there is no such thing as a cure," as the infamous excuse,
go to the head of the class. Some more shopworn excuses of shrinks:
"He came to me too late:' Use this one when your patient commits
suicide after three months of treatment.
"She must not have followed the directions on the bottle." This one is
good for mothers on Drozac who've just murdered their children.
"Death due to heart failure. II For those who die after a course of
electroshock therapy.
"Their families are usually very pleased with the results." This is good
when the patient is now a vegetable and sits quietly in the corner not
bothering anyone in the family.
***
A great day: When the psychs discovered that the South American poison
curare could be used to immobilize the muscles of electroshock victims
Shrink Assault 64
before they were shocked. Now, shrinks could poison before shocking.
This great advance led to fewer broken bones, but more heart attacks.
***
Head of the Psychology Department to new psych students: "And
remember, you must at least make the pretense of listening."
***
What's the difference between a shrink and a cook?
One feeds you drugs and one just feeds you.
***
Actually, very few shrinks are homosexual; fewer yet are heterosexual.
***
The symphony orchestra had just completed a fantastically beautiful
rendition.
Minister's thought: How wonderful the creativity of God working in man!
Psych's thought: How could such beautiful music come from an ape?
***
Another psych dream of Heaven: Emotional crises everywhere.
***
The shrink's little girl sat on his knee telling him about her latest dream:
Daughter: "Daddy, I was all grown up running around with no clothes on
and I looked just as pretty as a movie star."
Psych: liMy, my, dear, you obviously were looking for a husband."
Shrink Assault 65
Daughter: "Daddy, Daddy, you were there too. You were watching me
and you had this big banana and you came toward me grinning. What
does it mean, Daddy?"
Psych (flustered): "My young lady, sometimes a banana is just a banana."
***
What's the difference between a psych and a corporation?
One's an artificial person with no feelings.
***
The psych, in giving an explanation of his propensity to apply sexual
therapy to his patients, said that it was not unprofessional lust that
influenced him towards it, but professional sublimation thereof.
***
The psych has become a master of failing intelligently. By creating the
illusion that he is intelligent, his failures are seen as the best that can be
done, so that it becomes wise for governments to give him more money to
carry on.
***
Two shrinks at a party were talking to an engineer when, all at once
without a word to anyone, the engineer up and left.
The hostess came over and asked one of the shrinks what had happened to
cause her guest to suddenly depart.
.One psych replied that apparently the engineer had a physical problem.
nYeah," replied the other, "he said, 'I can't stand these two assholes.
1lI
Shrink Assault 66
***
The idea of a world without drugs drives the psych nearly berserk, but not
such that you would notice from outward appearance.
***
The sympathy view: I know how you feel.
The empathy view: I feel as you do.
The shrink's view: I know what you need, but if it doesn't work or you
suffer adverse side effects or you kill yourself, I can't be blamed because
you came to me too late.
***
"Whether or not the tensions, insecurities, and frustrations are responsible
for high suicide and divorce rates ..., they no doubt playa role in the
incidence of so-called nervous breakdowns among psychiatrists.... " The
Psychiatrists, Rogow.
Psychiatrist with a nervous breakdown! Sounds like a good idea.
***
The word "shrink" comes from what shrinks do: invalidate, make one feel
less significant, make less of personal goals, try to eliminate illusions and
dreams, get one to adjust to surroundings, in other words deflate one's
importance.
"psych," of course, comes from psychologist or psychiatrist.
"Spin binner" derives from spin bin which is slang for a crazy house or
insane asylum.
Psychiatrists are medical doctors who are licensed by state medical
associations. They are allowed to prescribe medicines and drugs and to
inflict other treatments, such as surgery, shock and incarceration.
Psychologists, not being medical doctors, may not do these things. For
these reasons, psychologists are thought by many to be less dangerous.
Where the two professions join is in the view that mankind is a species of
animal which is driven by inward and outward environments. The main
thrust of both fields is to get people to adjust to these environments
through the use of treatments and/or therapies.
Shrink Assault 67
***
How does a psych open a melon?
Before slicing, he draws a face on it so that he can tell which part to stab
first.
***
Psych theories of human behavior: reasonings so incredulous that they
must be right, so obtuse that only the most "learned" can understand them,
so vodooish that their practice fills needs for witch doctoring.
J r o ~
***
Why don't you get a psych anything for Christmas?
1. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
2. He thinks that Jesus was paranoid.
3. He feels that spirit is a delusion.
4. He's been bad all year.
5. Why send good money after bad?
6. All of the above ....and then some.
***
To the common man, psych speech and writing is called psychobabble:
Why would you never wait for a shrink to say something sensible?
Who wants to waste time?
***
"A guilty conscience stems from the concept of right and wrong," thinks
the psych. Ergo, the psych possesses no guilty conscience.
Shrink Assault 68
***
To the average psych, the afterlife is a delusion: What do you say to a
shrink who thinks he's simply going to oblivion when he dies?
Bon voyage.
***
If a black shrink could trace his roots, where would they lead?
To African witch doctors.
***
Dr. Bumbler had explained how he had loaned $50,000 to an ac-
quaintance. without written agreement, to invest in a scheme gone bad.
The acquaintance had invested it in some real estate instead, but shortly
thereafter declared bankruptcy.
Bumbler. who had been promised close to 100% return, asked the lawyer
what he could do about it. He told Bumbler. as there appeared to be no
fraud involved with the loan, that he would just have to stand in line like
any other unsecured creditor.
As he was leaving, the attorney asked Bumbler what area he practiced in,
to which Bumbler replied, II Psychiatry. but I'd like to get out of it.II
The lawyer, who knew something about the crimes psychs commit daily,
thought, lIAh. perhaps this guy wants to reform somehow. II
Bumbler went on, IIMedicine isn't like it used to be, so much paper work
you know, but I can't afford to retire.
1I
***
A notorious psych was jailed for embezzlement of hospital funds. After
he was imprisoned, he complained to the warden, liMy stature is being
Shrink Assault 69
squashed here. You have taken away my professional name and replaced
it withjust a number."
The warden, who was in fine humor, replied, "We could give you a new
number if that would be better."
The shrink, appeased, said, "Perhaps that will do, but could you put lOr.' in
front ofit?"
*.*
The shrink wondered as he looked at the modem sleek aircraft that was to
take him to Chicago, "Is it merely coincidence that the plane's phallic
design is also aerodynamically sound?" Such problems occupy psych
thinking.
***
Why should psychs be prevented from having sex with their patients?
Those patients are already being screwed. Why add insult to insult?
***
Should not electrocutioners and electroshock psychs be in the same
union?
***
"Doctors in all ages have made fortunes by killing their patients by means
of their cures. The difference in psychiatry is, that is the death of the
sout" RD.Laing
***
Billy awoke around 2:00 A.M. to noises in the attic and scratchings in the
walls. The monsters were back, or maybe a crazy man, or goblin, was
going to GET HIM.
He couldn't go to Daddy. Daddy was a psych; he always said the same
thing, "You
t
re hearing things, Billy, those are delusions. II He wasn't at all
Shrink Assault 70
sure that Daddy wasn't in league with them. Mter all, Daddy worked with
crazies and Daddy was himself somewhat weird and he didn't act like his
friends' dads.
Billy knew that the good people always got the monsters, vampires and
ghouls in the end and he wondered whether the good people would get
Daddy someday.
"Daddy is pretty sneaky," thought Billy, "but the good people will
probably get him, just like the monsters," and, feeling better, he drifted
back to sleep.
***
Psychs are akin to firemen who set fires.
***
Psych's idea of a line - "I can show you how to get over your neuroses
about the opposite sex.II
***
Shrink's idea of foreplay - fondling himself while looking at his new
patient.
***
Shrink treatment: various forms of punishment usually reserved for the
emotionally disturbed or those who may become so.
***
The drug was invented by a drug company in order to sedate hyperactive
school children. However, some parents had voiced opposition to having
their kids put on the drug, so the school psych had a local shrink in to talk
to the parents for the purpose of assuaging their fears. He gave each of
the parents a free sample of the drug and asked them to take it so that they
could experience its harmless effects. Many of the parents who had taken ~
the drug were not now objecting to t h ~ drugging program. "You see, II
said the school psych later, II there are no harmful effects. II
Shrink Assault 71
***
A Boston newspaper announced: Indefinite suspension of Dr. X's license
for practicing psychiatry while impaired by alcohol, drugs
t
and mental
instability.
Reader's comment: Mental instability is required for practicing
psychiatry, so why should the poor psych have his or her license
suspended?
***
How does a male psych know when sexual therapy is indicated?
He gets an erection.
***
The National Institutes of Mental Health sponsors National Depression
Screening Day each October. Find out if you're depressed. Perhaps, you
don't know. Am I really depressed? Don't let this question go
unanswered. Get screened.
***
Shrinkologists often become depressed. Wouldn't you if you were
unfortunate enough to be one? Does anyone say, "You're a shrink, oh,
how wonderful!" or "He's extremely successful, he's a psych!" or "Psychs
are the most pleasant people." or "Wait till you meet my son, the shrink
t
heIS very smart. II ?
***
Psych treatment: that form of mental, and often physical, rape and
molesting, usually requiring a license from the state.
***
I have found that many psychs are social bumblers. While this might
seem amusing, realize that the bumbling isnlt limited to social situations;
they canIt even prescri be drugs correctly, electroshock per standards or
incarcerate the right person in the mental ward.
***
How does a female shrink know she's losing her touch in a sexual
relationship?
Her partner wants to be with her.
Shrink Assault 72
***
Psych - That which you never find on a list of the most admired
professions.
***
Why the psych tends to commit suicide more than people in legitimate
professions:
1) He compares how smart he realIy is with the level of intelligence he
must portray.
2) He becomes depressed that people either don't like him or only pretend
to.
3) No one seems to recognize his importance to society.
4) Every time he tries to do something creative he fails.
5) He doesn't get invited to hardly any parties.
6) He doesn't know what to do about patients except pass out drugs.
7) He wonders just what is the difference between a drug pusher and
himself.
8) He doesn't get any respect.
9) He isn't good at sports.
10) He has never been able to overcome what he feels are his
shortcomings.
11) People don't admire his work and he almost never receives praise.
12) He can't tolerate even the idea that he has done something wrong.
Shrink Assault 73
***
An Episcopal minister had left the active ministry to become a clinical
psychologist. He gradually freed himself from the concept of right and
wrong and became involved in a "freer" lifestyle, which included seeing a
married woman. He was adjusting, coming to grips with the world. A
few years later he must have lost his grip, for he committed suicide.
The lesson we learn from this tragedy is that we must eradicate the
concept of right and wrong before it becomes part of a person. The
disease is very hard to get rid of once you've got it.
***
Shrinkology: a form of mental gardening where eradicating weeds
requires the loss of some crops.
***
Dr. Cringe tried selling himself as a potential husband to the young lady
of his dreams. After cataloging his many qualities, he put in the clincher,
"And besides, you can receive psychotherapy from me free of charge."
With that, the gal refused his proposal of marriage. "But, why?" he
asked.
She replied, ItI want someone who'll put me on a pedestal, not drag me off
it. "
***
To understand psychs, we must look to their subjects of psychology and
psychiatry, which are like cultures for the growing of bad germs.
***
The wife was attending a social services clinic in a small Pennsylvania
town. A psych from the Warren State Hospital made regular visits there
and one day her husband was asked to come down to see him. When the
husband told the shrink that he didn't have any emotional problems that
bothered him unduly, the shrink antagonistically berated him for his un-
reality and advised a course of treatment, the first step of which would
bring him to recognize his personal problems so that they could be
handled.
Shrink Assault 74
Later, it came out that the wife was continually comparing herself
unfavorably to the husband and the shrink's solution was to tear down the
husband's self image so that the wife could live with him without feeling
herself inferior. And that leads to a psych riddle:
What's better than one up and one down?
Two down.
***
Perhaps, shrinks should have their patients sign a waiver to the effect that
the shrink is not responsible for what her or his patient does or feels
between sessions. But, the downside to that is that shrinks would be
admitting that they had some responsibility for what happened during the
sessions and this could lead to some embarrassments.
***
Dr. Peter had been having sex with, OOPS, providing therapy for, sexually
frustrated Mrs. Samson every Friday afternoon for six months. One Friday,
she called in and canceled her appointment with an excited message that
her husband was taking her off on a long romantic weekend. Peter went
home to his wife early with serendipitous expectation, but when he
proposed therapy, wifey claimed a headache you wouldn't believe.
***
Shrink: someone who is not primarily interested in the mental health of
humanity, but in the quirky behavior of animals.
***
What's the difference between a shrink and a prostitute?
One ofthem calls it treatment.
***
Words not spoken in the same breath as shrink or psych: spirit, spiritual,
soul, inspire, creative, sincere, God, uplifting, wonderful, beautiful, hope,
Shrink Assault 75
faith, fidelity, honesty, integrity, truth, trust, infinity, faithful, values,
morals, prayer, right and wrong, belief, salvation, Heaven, ethical, personal
responsibility.

How do you tell which kid has a psych for a father?

He's the one who agrees when the other kids taunt, "My father is better
than your father!"

The psych intern had administered all the tests to the applicant to the free
clinic. He had conducted the interviews and gone over all of it with his
professor. He had to agree that this particular applicant had nothing
seriously wrong with him.
When he told the applicant that, the psych intern was near tears and could
hardly stop from shedding them during the exit interview. The rejected
patient, though, showed no signs of emotional distress, and as he left,
considered it just another experience in his search for self fulfillment.
The psych intern, however, required several sessions during his own
psychotherapy, but he never got over it, calling it "growth" in the end.
*.*
Shrink: someone interested in disproving the mental health ofhumanity.
*.*
Shrink: a person worth more dead than alive.
***
Recommended investments for psychs: Acme Electroshock Machine
Company; Automated Ice Pick Lobotomies, Inc.; Vegetable Producers,
Limited; Zombie Drug Company; Suicide Assistance, Inc.; Incarceration
Hospitals, Ltd.; Insurance Milkers Cooperative Company; Government
Handouts Company, Inc.; Deep Sleep Mattress Company; Murderous Side
Effects, Ltd.
*.
.,D
From the origins of psych advancements: Years ago in Italy, a psych
observed pigs being shocked with electricity prior to slaughter. After
Shrink Assault 76
their jolts, the pigs were confused and manageable, and they didn't resist
having their throats slit by the butchers. From this, the psych, with a flash
of inspiration which only comes to a man once in a lifetime, decided to
see if psychotics could be made more manageable thusly, and
electroshock therapy was born.
***
Shrink: we could also call him a cringe or a shrivel.
***
Instead of Grimm's Fairy Tales for children (they're pretty s c a r y ) ~ some
enterpriser could create fairy tales and moral stories with psychs as the
bad guys (which they are of course).
Instead of the troll hiding under the bridge to catch unsuspecting children,
how about the psych hiding in his office at the school ready to snatch
active little boys and girls? How about the shrink that turned mommy into
a monster?
***
One of the premises of shrinkology is that right and wrong do not exist,
but only sanity and insanity. This concept has been incorporated into the
shrink's own methodology, so much so that he does what society
considers wrong without qualm. This has led to the perpetration of vast
frauds.
Currently, psychiatric hospitals and clinics are defrauding Government
programs and private insurers of hundreds of millions of dollars annually.
The FBI has carried out large scale investigations and raids on these
facilities.
In the 1960's shrinks promised that they could solve society's problems if
only they were to receive enough money to carry out research. They were
to focus on education, substance abuse. violence and mental health.
For the past 30 years the Government has given these people billions of
dollars. Could this be the biggest fraud of all?
No right or wrong, no conscience, are the signposts of criminals. Is
shrinkology organized crime?
***
Shrinkdom: the kingdom of the shrinks. sometimes known as psychdom.
Shrink Assault 77
***
Good Old Days: when no one had ever heard of a psych.
***
There's hope when the shrink you went to see says he can do nothing for
you.
***
"The academic substance of public education today is controlled lock,
stock and barrel by behavioral psychologists, and they don't believe in
excellence. The American classroom has been transformed into a psych
lab and the function of a psych lab is not academic excellence." Educator
and author Samuel L. Blumenfeld.
***
A shrink shrinks others, but he swells himself. Perhaps, he could also be
called a sweller, but this might be too friendly a term.
***
More from the origins of psych advancements:
The village idiot wandered by the blacksmith's forge as it blew up missil-
ing metal in all directions. A two foot metal rod pierced the idiot's head
and remained therein, the ends sticking out of each temple.
Amazingly, the man did not die and, in fact, seemed to suffer no ill effects
at all except his personality showed signs of change. Of course, he was
still an idiot.
This was the fIrst recorded prefrontal lobotomy. Psychs got hold of it,
modernized techniques and have made many quiet idiots from smart
neurotics ever since.
***
What do a waiter and a school psychologist have in common?
Shrink Assault 78
They both try to put people in their places.
***
A time came when time travel was at length perfected. The development
was the last gasp effort of a dying world. Now a special breed of
scientific space detective would go to work to solve the debilitating
problems, begun centuries ago, which were plaguing the inhabitants now.
Causation had been lost in antiquity. Solving and eliminating the plague
had proven impossible without identifying the source. Despite resistance
from mental manipulators (ancient texts showed their precursors to be
shrinks), a small group of legalists and scientists had pushed through the
funding and effort to arrive at this seminal point in man's history, time
travel.
The space detectives went into the past, but nothing happened for years.
People in the know began to despair. Then, slowly at first, a rapture
began. People began to vanish, some rich, some poor. This was the cue
for other scientific detectives who had remained behind to go to work
analyzing data that was showing up.
After months and months of work, some of these detectives left for the
past as well. More rapture occurred, more people disappeared.
The Society of Mental Manipulators met in secret session as many of their
members had vanished. Within a few years, only a handful of them were
left. They voted to disband. They were no more. The people became
happier and more productive. Everyone waited for the return of the
detectives, for their final report.
***
In some psych circles, a raging debate exists whether psychoanalytic
training erodes one's sense of humor and produces a certain coldness and
remoteness or whether those with these character traits tend to enter the
profession.
Shrink Assault 79
***
What's the best test of a psych's sincerity?
She quits the profession.
***
What's the difference between a snake dead on the road and a psych dead
on the road?
The snake has skid marks in front ofit.
***
The reporter pointed out that Dr. Seducea Spinbrain was no better than a
whore for receiving her patients' insurance money after sex sessions with
them. "There's a big difference
t
" stated Spinbrain
t
"l do it for my patients
t
emotional health, not for their pleasure."
***
A new slant is frequently needed when characterizing shrinks. For
instance, a closet atheist
t
in shrink talk, would be a psych who attends
church.
***
The new drug stopped the propensity of aggressive rats to bite the tails
and ears of less aggressive rats. Excitement reigned at Elysian Park Drug
Company. With this drug they could capture the market of Deranged Billy
Drug Company's anti-violence drug Deathkill. Millions went into further
development
t
tests
t
politician's coffers, and perks and favors for certain
well placed people.
FinallYt tests were begun on humans. Panels of shrinks evaluating results
raved. A few side effects, piffle, not enough to worry about. Finally, after
the usual circus at Food and Drug Administration ("FDA"), the new drug
Violenceaid came on the market to much fanfare in the shrink
Shrink Assault 80
community. Shrinks prescribed it and recommended its use to legitimate
doctors. Elysian Park's stock soared. lilt is the wonder drug, II reported
the press with liberal quotes from reigning shrinks.
Slowly at first, crescendo finally, reports of suicides, murders,
malformations and insanity began to come in to FDA's Adverse Drug
Effects Unit. Community groups began to agitate for a drug ban. Psychs
met in official panels giving Violenceaid a clean bill of health. Sure there
were side effects, but look at all the good it did other people.
Back in the board room of Elysian Park, quiet discussions went on - initial
investment had been recouped. There were millions to be made. Just
hold on a while longer, maybe only a couple of years, then withdraw it.
Meanwhile, buried in archives was a dusty old report about rats, who after
50 or so doses of Violenceaid, had begun to nibble the ears and tails of
other rats more vigorously than they had before.
***
Can you invent a disease for the compulsive naming of streetcars?
Try trolleynomenclaturrnania.
***
Whereas, according to Max Frisch, technology is the knack of so
arranging the world that we donlt have to experience it, psychology would
be the knack of so arranging the person so that he can't experience it.
***
A swelled head usually designates a person filled with his or her own
importance, but when applied to a shrink, it also expresses Nature's effort
to fill a vacuum.
***
Dr. Cringe was reading some G. K. Chesterson, whereupon he ran across
the part where the author described temperament as a disease that afflicts
amateurs.
"Hmm," thought Cringe, "I wonder if it's treatable. II
***
Many psychs believe that lower-class and non-white patients respond
better to drugs than to psychotherapy because they have limited ability to
express themselves. See "Sociopsychological Characteristics of Resident
Shrink Assault 81
Psychiatrists and their Use of Drug Therapy,1I American Journal of Psy-
chiatry.
If that is the case, I say shrinks should learn to talk better.
***
One cleric's view of shrinks: Monkeys whom the Devil has sent on a
mission to mankind.
***
What do you have when 100 psychs are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
***
Set of answers for psychs to use in weeding out potentially troublesome
schoolchildren for treatment:
Question: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Answers: A cowboy - Possibly oversexed.
A nurse - Perhaps compulsive.
A fireman - May be arson prone.
A policeman - May invert to criminal.
Just like Daddy - Fixated.
A psych - Compulsive liar.
***
As one shrink said regarding his vacation home in the country, lII'd go
nuts if I couldn't get out of the city most weekends, especially in good
weather."
Shrink Assault 82
***
Shrinks play important roles in the spread of dangerous drugs. Drug
companies approach them first with new mind altering chemicals. The
psychs try them out, and once acceptance is gained there, they spread out
to legitimate doctors and into broad use. The drug Prozac spread that
way. Now, I hear that 75% of Prozac prescriptions are written by
non-shrinks. The next step is to find other uses for the drug. Prozac was
being considered for use in weight control the last I heard. Soon,
thousands of normal women could be on this drug. Some of them may
murder their babies, but look on the positive side, probably millions of
pounds of excess weight will be lost compared to a few hundred pounds
of baby weight.
***
Same subject as above:
Law suits against the maker of the psych drug Prozac increase daily with
a total of approximately $2 billion in damages sought to date (1996). The
company's legal defense costs could be handled through increased Prozac
sales. A potential new area is Prozac diet pills. Big market. Look at the
benefits - don't feel like eating, what's the use of eating, save on food.
stay home, go to bed, sleep maybe, have weird thoughts about getting
even.
***
An ultimate of masochism: Marrying your shrink.
***
A local shrink got a young lady pregnant and, to the amazement of
everyone who knew him, actually offered to do the right thing by
marrying her. But, she refused, saying that she'd rather just have the child
of a bastard than be married to one.
***
Why are shrinks monotheists?
They have no god but themselves.
***
Autopsies have been performed on many people who had received shock
treatment. What was found was irreversible brain damage, in many cases
with hemorrhages and large areas of tissue destruction.
Shrink Assault 83
We see nothing unusual in this. Obviously, you must destroy some of the
brain as that is the way you get rid of those bad feelings and troublesome
behavior.
***
There have been several studies which showed that psychotherapy (not
shock or drugs) has produced results no better than no therapy at all. This
has caused more than one psych to become depressed about the relevancy
of what he does.
***
The psych's bane: happy carefree people. Nothing depresses the shrink
so as to be among them for any length of time.
***
If one distilled psych "philosophy" and goals to a few words, to be
euphemistic, it would be to adjust everyone to the world. What is the
world? Celine characterized it as "a vast attempt to swindle."
***
Psychs have come up with a simple checklist to tell whether a schoolchild
is hyperactive and in need of psych care. Anyone who deals with children
can apply the checklist, but mainly it is teachers who do so.
Some of the questions are, "Does the child squirm in his seat?" "Does
she talk in class?" "Does she climb trees?" "Does he run out in the street
after a ball without looking for traffic?" If you thought that these were
normal child behavior, look again.
Unfortunately, not all children are tagged as some teachers seem not to be
annoyed by these activities.
***
Psychs are so unimaginative. Take TV for instance, how long has it been
around? Why, with one simple modification, TV sets could come
Shrink Assault 84
equipped with electric prods. A "shrink for the millions" pay-for-TV
network could put on a daily "psych Hour." Just follow the host's
instructions, put the prods to your head and give yourself a good jolt.
Let's get with it, psychs, there's a huge market out here.
***
Modem method of toilet training invented by a shrink at Callan Park (a
psychiatric institution in Australia) - eat your own feces. No salt or
pepper either.
***
From a Canadian study: "[A]nti-anxiety agents appeared to be most
implicated
t
with 3.6 times as many acts of aggression occurring when
inmates were on these drugs." Prison shrinks issue a month's supply of
drugs to released prisoners with instructions for them to hook up to a
supply on the outside. That way, a modicum of control can be exerted
over those released, they say.
***
A Minnesota study found that psychs oriented towards drugs and
electroconvulsive therapy received much higher incomes than shrinks
oriented towards psychotherapy. You canlt really blame people for
wanting to make more moneyt can you?
***
From the book Madness and Cure by Robert Langs, "three times as many
incidents of overtly inappropriate behavior were manifested by psych
therapists than by their patients."
Surely, like Alice
t
we have gone through the looking glass!
***
Why did the psych leave for greener pastures?
The money had dried up and everyone in town was on drugs!
Shrink Assault 85
***
Shrinks prescribe mind altering depressant drugs to children for such
"mental disorders" as bed wetting, being active and being afraid of
school. Yet, the children who are on these drugs often become defiant,
hysterical and hostile. Of course, this is extremely annoying to parents.
Bright idea - give the drugs to the parents too.
Robert Lee Harvey got some prescribed. Then he slit his 6-year old son's
throat and stabbed him to death and then started stabbing himself.
Wonder what caused that? Geez! Golly! What a relief that the psychs
are out there monitoring these things.
***
Psychiatry - the care of the id by the odd.
***
What do you get a psych who has everything?
Penicillin, if you're into altruism.
***
Psych A: "Wow! Look at that girl! She's gorgeous! Who is she?"
Psych B: "My patient!"
Psych A: "Have you had sex with her yet?II
Psych B: "No (sneeringly), she's a moralist."
Psych A: IlAh, I see the problem. Have you considered electroconvulsive
therapy?"
***
Psychs can exist well in any political climate where control of the
populace is important to those in charge. Left and right wing
totalitarianisms and democracies manipulated by vested interests alike
think that they are using the shrink to help achieve their end of a docile
governed people that produces goods and services, but this is only
apparency; it is the psych who is imposing his agenda through them.
Actually, psychs are a vested interest, perhaps the only one that can exist
and forward its agenda in all political systems extant today.
Shrink Assault 86
***
A shrink was shooting up some cocaine and wondering if he should help
his child who was struggling over some math homework. IIYou
'
d better do
it soon, dear, II his mistress said, "He'll be going into the third grade and
then it'll be too hard for you. II
***
Psych A: "l got my wife a beautiful necklace for her birthday. II
Psych B: "Did she like it?"
Psych A: "Yes, but my patient demanded it back."
***
Why is a psych like a man soaring in a balloon?
He looks down on others, everyone seems little and insignificant to him
and he is held up only by hot air.
***
The idea is to give beginning school children psychiatric evaluations to
identify those who are potentially troublesome. Armed with this
information, shrinks would then drug these children to keep them under
control. Little Jimmy, undergoing his evaluation at the hands of Dr.
Youngkill, surprised the psych by stating that he had stopped sucking the
tit at an early age because he found his mother unworthy of him. "By
George, a budding psychologist," thought the shrink.
Shrink Assault 87
***
The psych had just moved into his new big corner office. There came a
knock at the door and in the doorway a gorgeous girl appeared. Wanting
to impress her, he grabbed the speaker phone importantly and said, "Why,
yes sir, I think I can have lunch with you, Mr. President! Yes, yes, thank
you sir, good bye!" Turning to the girl, he asked in his most solicitous
sounding voice, "Can I help you, young lady?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, I'm here to hook up your phone."
~ ~ ~ ~ J , , , , , .
~
~ ~
~ . ~
***
Wanting to give psychs an extra chance, St. Peter began routing all of
them to Purgatory. There, the psychs attended special classes on right and
wrong. The class was a resounding success. Psych after psych passed his
final exam with 100%. Every one of the graduates now knew the dif-
ference between right and wrong.
Proudly clasping their diplomas to their bosoms, the psychs lined up in
mass outside the Pearly Gates. But, alas, each one suffered the same fate.
Upon examination by St. Peter, each psych gave a long litany of wrongs
he'd committed and was sent to Hell.
***
Shrink definition of "lunatic fringe": Those who promote the idea that the
psychs are somehow subversive and anti-humanitarian.
***
Two young girls were talking and one said, ttl had sex with a shrink over
the weekend. It
Replied the other, "How do you know he was a psych?"
The first girl said, "I got his bill today for $loo!"
Shrink Assault 88
***
A psych was sitting in a park counting birds. A kid came up and said,
"Whatcha doing, mister?"
The psych replied, "Counting birds. II
The kid says, "That's breaking the law, mister. I'm going to have to charge
you one dollar for every bird you've counted. II
The psych smirked and gave the kid sixteen dollars. Upon returning to
work, he told his partner what had transpired.
"You gave a lousy kid sixteen dollars?" his partner said.
Replied the psych, "The joke's on the kid. I really counted more than two
hundred birds!"
***
A psych directed his technician to adjust the voltage on the ECT shock
machine to a higher than normal amount.
Technician: "Don't you think that is a little high?"
Psych: "Don't be an idiot. As a female pregnant with child, we really
have two people, so more juice is required."
***
St. Peter, having made only a few admittance mistakes throughout the
eons, one day let a psych into Heaven. The shrink was beside himself
with h.is apparently successful deception, for he seemed to be the only one
of his profession around. He failed from the start, however, because he
couldn't invent a mental IIdisease" which heavenly beings would admit to
having. He complained bitterly to St. Peter. The goodly saint admitted
his error in placing the psych and, without regrets, transferred him to the
hotter clime whereupon the psych set up a thriving practice. Thus, the old
saw, "Hell is the psychiatrist's heaven. II
***
How do you keep a psych from going insane?
Too late, you can't.
Shrink Assault 89
***
Rather than flunk out of medical school, you can always become a
psychiatrist!
***
Surveys of psychiatrists showed that the main reasons for which they
chose their profession in medical school was that they were not able to do
well in the legitimate medical specialties and that they were striving to
handle their own feelings of inadequacy and emotional depression.
***
What do you get a psych for his birthday?
Acoffin.
***
Justice exists even in Hell:
The old shrink fina])y died and, ofcourse, went immediately to Hell. To her
surprise, she was given ajob within a section of the DeviJ's minions whose
task it was to inflict mental torture on Hell's residents. She didn't even
have to go to minion school, having been so weJl prepared on Earth. She
went to work with relish, but after a hundred thousand years, she was
dismissed. Without delay, she accosted the Devil and asked, "Why was I
dismissed? Wasn't I doing a good job?"
The Devil said, "Oh, nothing like that. You did fine. It's just your tum,
that's all."
***
Senate Committee: "Dr., supposedly you have a code of ethical conduct,
but that didn't keep you from raping ten of your female patients. A man off
the street, with no code, rapes, so what's the difference?"
Psych: "That's what I say, who cares, what's the difference?"
***
Why should psychs put a sanitary cover on the toilet seat before going to
the bathroom?
To protect innocent people from getting a social disease.
Shrink Assault 90
***
What is the difference between a psych and a duck?
One quacks for money.
***
Concerned Minister: "My parishioner, Mrs. Jones, is deeply troubled by
her sexual affair with you."
Psych: "That's a part of her treatment."
Minister: "But, she fears that she is sinning and will be called to task on
Judgment Day. II
Psych: "Don't worry, I will testify that she was insane and not responsible
for her acts."
***
Dr. Shrinkberry's wife had a baby boy despite all the modern preventions.
The little fellow had many of the doctor's distinguishing features, but
Shrinkberry suspected the real father to be the bachelor who Iived next
door. Nevertheless, to maintain his position of "respect," he decided to
have no degrading conversations with his wife on the matter. Instead, he
would treat the child as if he were the real father. Mter all, such
detachment was his expertise, it was what kept him going.
***
Professor: "Dr. SliSUffi, why did you choose to go into psychiatry?"
Dr. Slisum: liTo understand why I was failing medical school."
***
Interviewer: "What's your favorite breakfast, doctor?"
Psych: "Brains...scrambled or fried."
***
Man: "Did you know that psychs have the highest suicide rate of any
profession?"
Woman: "If that's so, why do they let them treat the mentally il1?11
Man: "They have so much in common!1I
Shrink Assault 91
***
Shrinks have analyzed their own propensities for entering the profession
with astounding insight:
"[The] earliest known factors initiating movement toward a career in
psychiatry are primitive identifications and objects from pre-oedipal and
oedipal years. Of these, involvement with mother and mothering
functions seem most common."
Well, what do you know?
***
Why did the child psych molest his own children?
He was in the habit of taking his work home with him.
***
He truly doesn't understand:
Attorney: "Dr., after you saw your patient, he went into a restaurant and
killed almost all the patrons, then kidnapped a boys choir, raping them all,
then killed his family and was found in the graveyard having sex with
corpses after brutally murdering two policeman."
Psych: "What are you driving at?"
***
Why do psychs receive no presents at Christmas?
Santa has no time for cretins who say the giving of gifts signifies an
unhealthy sexual attraction to one's mother.
Shrink Assault 92
***
Investigatory Board: "Dr. you gave electric shock, psychotropic drugs,
and psychosurgery to Ms. Smith and she subsequently died. How do you
account for this?"
Shrink: "Veil, although ve know a great deal about the human mind. there
are still some things ve are yet to understand. II
***
Suggested justifications to explain why so many patients die from psych
prescriptions or electric shocks or other treatment:
1. You get what you pay for and since most of the patients have their
insurance company pay for it, they really don't deserve to get well.
2. He was crazy anyway; this world is better off without him
3. Man is just an animal anyway
4. There are too many people on this planet, so we are really helping the
population problem.
5. He didn't want to live anyway.
6. Nobody can cure these people anyway.
7. They are better off dead than crazy.
8. He would probably have committed suicide anyway
Shrink Assault 93
9. She was the one that asked for the treatment, I didn't force her.
10. She didn't tell me she was pregnant.
11. Nobody else wants this job, so somebody has to do it.
12. Nobody can be helped and those who say that people can be helped
are really just suffering from a help-disorder as described in the psy-
chiatric handbook, chapter 4, as item #115 of the list of psychiatric
illnesses right after the "Fear of the IRS syndrome" and before the "Have
to eat vitamins compulsion. It
13. We an have to die some day!
***
Drug induced psychosis sometimes begins when a person stops taking a
psychotropic drug after having been on it for some time, whereas the
person may have been prescribed the drug for a mere neurosis. Within a
few day's withdrawal, insane thoughts or behavior may result. The shrink
blames the person for coming off the drug and uses the adverse reactions
to convince the person to get back on it. Here's a test to see if you have
the potential of becoming a good shrink: What caused the psychosis in
the patient?
Hint: In order to choose the correct answer, you must forget that the
person was not psychotic before taking the drug. If a shrink can ignore
that, so can you. Good luck on the test.
I. The withdrawal by the patient from the drug without shrink
authorization,
2. The administering of the drug by the psych to the patient,
or
3. The drug itself?
***
Psych A: "After a tiring day tending to my patients and their foibles, I
sometimes relax at the zoo."
Psych B: "Why there?"
Shrink Assault 94
Psych A: "To see how the other animals behave!"
***
A psych was in the hospital emergency ward and the doctor was shocked
to find that the scrotum of the psych was badly scalded. The doctor asked,
"What happened?"
The psych replied, "I was making some tea and the instructions said to
soak the bag in boiling water'.'
***
True or false:
1. Shrink Milton Greenblat proposed placing psychs near leaders of the
United States to pass on their mental health.
2. A goal pushed by psychs to achieve peace on earth is the eradication
of the concept of right and wrong.
3. Psychs have a suicide rate almost three times that of any other
profession.
All true.
***
How can you tell the difference between a drug dealer and a shrink?
One is hated by the community AND has a license to dea1.
***
From the shrink's manual on creating business (usually requires several
psychs):
1. Allege someone is mentally ill.
2. Use psych treatments to make him "mentally il1."
Shrink Assault 95
3. Testify in court that the subsequent crime the person committed was
not his responsibility because he was mentally ill.
4. Get the person incarcerated in a mental institution.
5. Use psych treatments to ensure the mental illness does not abate.
***
What's the difference between a shrink and a drug dealer?
Drug dealers aren't required to go to school.
***
What's the difference between a cannibal and a psych?
One of them is a butcher AND wears a suit.
***
The IRS computer kicked out for audit the tax return of one Smalley P.
Schockemquik, Shrinkologist, because of the item on it which stated,
"referral fees from prisons and mortuaries. II
***
Psychs are as dedicated to helping people with emotional problems as a
tape worm is to helping a dog.
***
Many of the mass murderers of modern times were treated by shrinks
before they committed their heinous crimes. A famous example is
Adolph Hitler.
After examining the young Hitler. what did his psych say?
'IHmmmm, all this man needs to make him happy is a Party."
Shrink Assault 96
***
Dr. Marital, family counselor, advised the young couple to postpone
having children while they were so happy with each other. liThe blissful
atmosphere would provide insufficient negative influences for proper
development, II he said.
***
The psych's viewpoint of school children: impulsive, self-centered little
animals in a psychological laboratory.
***
Equal rights in the field of mental health:
For the rich - psychoanalysis with the outcome being interesting
conversation at parties.
For the poor - drug and shock treatment with the outcome being no
parties.
The not rich/not poor get some of both, but mostly the latter. While the
rich pay for their own, the not rich/not poor pay for themselves and the
poor.
***
The psych must strive for tolerance, for the cool ability to stand unfazed
in the face of increasing criticism that is, after all, only an indication of a
world out of control. As never before, the treatment only psychs can
present is needed to bring life back into perspective.
But, even with all our strivings, new ideas such as drugging, cutting out
portions of the brain, and electroshocking have been rejected by the
people in their ignorance. Indeed, we must carryon alone, it seems, in
creating a controlled, predictable civilization. Although our numbers are
decreasing, we still have our marching orders, we have our great mission
yet.
I say, let's begin a new educational campaign to teach people who we
really are --
Suggested opening remarks for the next annual meeting of psychs,
shrinks, spin binners, shrinkologists and assorted ilk.
Shrink Assault 97
***
Egotism: a necessary psych virtue.
***
Many medical students who enter psychiatry do so "out of a growing
awareness of their own neurotic difficulties" or "because the occurrence
of mental illness in their families has led them to identify with patients
who are similarly disturbed."
***
What's an electroshock shrink being executed in the electric chair called?
Payback.
***
Dr. Confused thought that he should engage in an extramarital affair as an
expression of his manly freedom, but he could not get past the first step in
his plan: no one would marry him.
***
I may have mentioned earlier that my first contact with a medical shrink
was with one from the Warren State Hospital in Pennsylvania. Recently, I
heard of a report which stated that at one Pennsylvania institution
two-thirds of the psychiatrists were "seriously mentally ill." I wonder.
***
A good-natured man named Darrell lived happily with his wife and young
son out in the country next to a large river. The only thing unusual about
Darrell's life was that he knew a talking alligator named Larry who lived
in the river. Darrell often went down to the riverside to talk to Larry.
Over the years they became good friends.
One day bad news arrived. Darrell's mother had died. Darrell was very
upset for about a week, so a friend suggested he see a psychiatrist.
Darrell drove in to the nearest town and talked with a Doctor Fritz. At
some point in the conversation, Darrell mentioned that one of his close
friends was a talking alligator. That was all Dr. Fritz needed to hear.
Shrink Assault 98
The next day, Darrell found himself in a straitjacket, locked in a
psychiatric ward where he'd been placed against his will by order of
Doctor Fritz. Back at his office, Dr. Fritz was counting a pile of cash he'd
gotten from the psychiatric ward and laughed, "Talking alligators, hal If I
could just find 10 or 12 more suckers like that, I could retire in a couple
years. II
At the end of the week, Dr. Fritz came in to the psychiatric ward to
"observe" Darrell. Darrell pleaded to be released, but Dr. Fritz said
laughing, "Look, Darrell, youlre going to have to confront reality.
Frankly, I don't see no alligators, do you? Ha Ha Ha...." Every week it
was the same routine, Dr. Fritz would stop by for a few minutes, and then
walk out laughing, "Hey, Darrell, I donlt see no alligators today, do you?
Ha Ha Ha...," and collect his consultant fee from the hospital. Darrell
remained captive for several years.
One day near Darrell's house, Darrell's wife, Sarah, took a walk by the
river, weeping. Larry the alligator came over and asked her what was
wrong. She cried and told him the whole story of how Darrell had been
taken away and how Dr. Fritz kept teasing him every week. Larry said he
was very sorry and if he had any ideas, he'd let her know.
The next afternoon, Dr. Fritz received a phone call from someone named
Larry, asking for help. "What seems to be the matterT' said Dr. Fritz.
l'Oh, everything, doc! I have schizophrenia, depression, psychosis,
neurosis and a compulsion to bite people!" said Larry.
"Hmmm. That does sound bad! Do you have insurance?1I
"Oh, yesl Five kinds! And each one covers mental health for a year!"
"Ahh, that's good! Why don't you come right over?"
"Well, actually I was getting kind of hungry, and I was thinking of getting
something to eat. Can you meet me at the diner by the river at, say, 6?"
"Why sure,II said Dr. Fritz, "I'll see you there at 6."
Greedily thinking of the money he could make from his prospective new
patient, Dr. Fritz arrived at the diner at 6 o'clock sharp. Oddly, the diner
was closed for remodeling and Dr. Fritz didnlt see anyone around. Then,
he heard a voice coming from the river. He walked to the river, but didn't
Shrink Assault 99
see anyone. It was getting a bit dark. Still, there was a voice from
somewhere. This was very strange.
The next day, at the psychiatric ward, Darrell waited solemnly for Dr.
Fritz to arrive to sign his yearly continuance papers. Darrell expected to
hear the usual mocking laugh from Dr. Fritz, "Hey, I don't see no
alligators, do you? Ha Ha Ha...." But this time, for some reason, Dr.
Fritz didn't show up. For two or three days, no one heard from Dr. Fritz.
At length, without having Dr. Fritz's expert opinion to rely on, the ward
released Darrell. A few other patients under Dr. Fritz's care were also
released, all quite sane. Darrell went home to his family and they had a
big celebration over his release. It had been five long years and finally
he was free!
The next day Darrell was walking by the river and was happy to see
Larry. Darrell noticed Larry had grown over the years. He was
probably 12.feet long. Darrell said, "Well, it's great to see you
t
Larry.
How you doing?"
"Great
t
Darrell, but I do have indigestion. Must have eaten something
rotten. How was it in the psych ward?"
"Oh, it was pretty bad, being beaten and shocked and all that, but the
important thing is I'm free now! It's kind of strange, though. Dr. Fritz
just disappeared and no one's seen him for days." Then, Darrell looked at
Larry and noticed a large bulge in Larry's belly. "SaYt Larry... you didn't
have anything'to do with Dr. Fritz's disappearance, did you?"
Larry burped and replied
t
"Hey, I don't see no psychiatrists around here,
do you?"
***
The tenets of shrinkology are so unlike the concepts of the people that the
shrink and patients really need an interpreter. The shrink has attempted to
be his own interpreter, but as he is not conversant with the people, he fails
miserably.
***
Shrinks use electroshock therapy to handle severe depression. A 1989
scientific report reviewing the use of such therapy from Cerletti's time
forward showed no sufficient evidence that electroshock therapy eases
depression. This report, when brought to the attention of Dr. Lobe
Shrink Assault 100
Curdle, changed his perspective greatly to the point where he decided that
many more years of electroshock research on humans would be required
before the technique could be perfected. To his credit, he has sought a
grant from The National Institutes of Mental Health for a research
program involving extensive tests on depressed children.
***
Psych definition of socially adapted: no longer worried about one's sins.
***
Perhaps, the plan was to separate out the emotionally disturbed medical
students into psych departments. Then, when they graduated, put them to
the task of treating other mentally ill people. Crazies treating crazies.
However, if that was the plan, things have backfired - we have the crazies
treating a lot of normal people, so maybe that wasn't the plan after alL
Maybe, what they were meant to do was create mentally ill people. That
would better match the facts.
***
Dr. Ewen Cameron had been president of both the American Psychiatric
Association and the World Psychiatric Association. He made great
advances for shrinkdom by conducting interesting experiments with shock
and mind altering drugs. In one series of experiments, unwitting patients
were put into drug-induced comas for 15 to 30 days while friendly Ewen
had heavy electroshocks administered to them several times each day.
Cameron said of the typical patient after treatment, "His remarks are
entirely uninfluenced by previous recollections -- nor are they governed in
any way by his forward anticipation .... There is complete amnesia for all
events in his life."
What a humanitarian, what a guy! And this author is not the only one to
recognize greatness. When Cameron died, a commendatory obituary with
full page picture of him appeared in the American Joumal of Psychiatry.
***
The Central Intelligence Agency once was very interested in electroshock
as a means of producing amnesia. Agency shrinks said that a series of
Shrink Assault 10I
shocks could achieve this. The CIA could send an agent into the field, he
could learn secrets, then when he was retired, he could undergo a series of
shock treatments. The agency would no longer have to worry about
whistle blowers. Secrets would remain secrets.
***
The knowledge of shrinkology: Ignorance arranged and classified.
***
Gottlieb Burckhardt became the first shrink to publish results of
psychosurgery (cutting out or mutilating portions of the brain). This
pioneering work by one of the psych greats was done so that "the patient
might be transformed from a disturbed to a quiet dement (insane person)."
It was up to another shrink, Egas Moniz, to develop techniques of drilling
holes in the heads of patients through which he put a thin-bladed knife to
swish around.
Unfortunately, Moniz didn't live to accept accolades - he was shot and
paralyzed by one of his patients and later beaten to death by another.
Many patients turn out to be ingrates, it is true, but the work must go on.
***
Lyrics of a song popular in psych circles:
Hey, he's the man and he shrinks 'em good.
Shrinkum, shrinkum, yeah.
Once I was king of the hill.
Now a pill.
Shrinkum, shrinkum, shrinkum.
Fry my brain please.
Sizzle, sizzle, sizzzzzle.
I'm well adjusted now after the slice.
And so nice.
He's the man and he shrinks 'em good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
***
A forgotten wise man once said that laughter is the revolt of the
intelligence. This probably explains why shrinks don't laugh much.
***
Adolph Hitler traced his political calling to a vision he says he saw while
under treatment by a shrink in a hospital.
Shrink Assault 102
***
Dr. Ernst Rodin, eminent Detroit psych, proposed a brilliant solution to
race riots in that city - use psychosurgery to remove aggression, and
castration to keep "dumb young males who riot
ll
from having children.
Said Rodin, "[H]uman eunuchs, although at times quite scheming
entrepreneurs, are not given to physical violence. Our scientific age tends
to disregard this wisdom of the past."
Comforting to know.
***
Quiz: Guess which of the following wore electric dog collars, got urine
injected into their blood, and were forced to spend the night in graves
they had dug:
a. Prisoners on Devil's Island.
b. Political dissidents in the former Soviet Union.
c. Inmates in a Mental Asylum in Wisconsin.
d. Children in a behavior modification program at a Florida school.
Answer: d. (yes, it is true.)
Shrink Assault l03
***
Psych A: "My wife had a terrible inhibition. It
Psych B: "What was that?"
Psych A: "She didn't want to have sex with other guys, but I cured her!tt
Psych B: "How?tt
Psych A: "I told her to go out and have sex with other people or dontt
come back, and so far she hasnlt come back!"
***
"Before I went to a psych, I thought I was small and insignificant."
"Did anything change?"
"Yes, now I know I am."
***
Psychoanalyst [sy-co-a(as in abcd...)-nal-ist].
***
Florida shrink Louis Tsavaris was convicted of strangling to death a
patient with whom he had been having sexual intercourse. When he got
out of prison, he applied to get his license reinstated. We can surely
understand his need - a guy gets horny in prison.
***
"Strategic Planning for Mental Health .... We can justifiably stress our
point of view with regard to the proper development of the human psyche,
even though our knowledge be incomplete. We must aim to make it
penneate every educational activity in our nationallife....[We] have made
a useful attack on a number of professions. The two easiest of them
naturally are the teaching profession and the church." 1940, J. R. Rees,
cofounder of The World Federation of Mental Health.
***
Definition of a psychiatrist: a cunningly berserk medical doctor.
***
Interviewer: "Dr. Electric, the government has given your profession
billions of dollars to solve problems in education, but psychs have never
Shrink Assault 104
shown that they can get any results at all. Would you care to comment?"
Dr. Electric: "I certainly would. Those who criticize the good faith
efforts of the psychs to improve man's lot are emotionally immature.
These things take time. Shrinkology is an experimental science and we all
must grow with it and within it."
***
Psychological definition of sexual inhibition: moral, faithful,
monogamous.
***
The psychs' overall values clarification program helps us to become more
like psychs and frees us from obsolete considerations of right and wrong,
gives us tolerance of differences of opinion on things like loyalty to
parents and country or on cheating and stealing, and brings our children
new experiences in matters such as death awareness and promiscuity.
***
Psychs
t
values system: One man's vice is another man's virtue.
***
What's the difference between a mad scientist and a psychiatrist?
One uses electricity to make zombies from dead flesh while the other uses
electricity to make zombies from live flesh.
***
In the Northwest, detectives were investigating the killing of a sexual
psychopath by one of his intended victims. The detectives were
astounded to find that the man had previously been sentenced to a local
mental hospital's sexual offenders program, had completed the program
and had then immediately been hired as a counselor for that program by
the psychs in charge.
Shrink Assault 105
Upon hearing of the murders the psychopath had committed, the
spokesman for the shrinks said, "you never really know about the private
Iives of anyone."
If you feel that the psychs at this hospital should have been allowed to
have anyone work there who they had judged competent to treat sexual
offenders, you will be glad to know that there were five others who had
completed the sexual offenders program and were working as therapists at
the same hospital!
***
Shrinks make up eight percent of physicians. but they make up eighteen
percent of physicians suspended from Medicaid and Medicare for fraud
and abuse. Dr. Shockshrink commented, "Why are they always picking
on us? We're just doing our jobs."
***
1940 - Johnny can read, write and do arithmetic.
1945 - Psychs begin their strategic plan to insert their theories into the
educational system.
1955 - United States Congress passes the Mental Health Study Act.
1960 - Johnny can still read, write and do arithmetic pretty well.
1963 - The government begins giving psychs vast amounts of money.
1963 - The decline of education begins as shown in Scholastic Aptitude
Test scores.
1993 - My name is Johnny. I'm on Ritalin to help me stay still and pay
attention to the teacher. I'm functionally illiterate which means, if I try
real hard, I can read the "Exit" sign in case of fire and the "Boys" sign
when I have to take a leak.

Shrink Assault 106

***
Although the electroshock patient had never been fatally ill before, he
woke up dead.
***
General psychological field theory:
P = f(A); P =psychology, A =arrogance.
For those not familiar with mathematical language: Psychology is a
function ofarrogance.
***
500 children between the ages of 5 and 13 were put into two groups of2S0
each. One group received psych treatment and one group received no
treatment at all. After 30 years, 80 percent of the children were located and
evaluated. Those who had received psych treatment as children were
found to be worse offthan those who had received no treatment. What do
you think we should do?
a. Give psychs more money to improve their techniques;
b. Put all schoolchildren on Ritalin so they will not wiggle around; or
c. Bring the shrinks to justice for what they have done?
Correct answer: a. If you answered "b," you have the right idea but just
lack scope. Those who answered lie" need professional help.
***
A psych student blooper: The human is more intelligent than the beast
because the human brain has more convulsions.
***
Dr. Sizzlelobe was suspended from the Medicare and Medicaid programs
for billing up to 24 hours of therapy per day, for having sex with his
Shrink Assault 107
patients and billing the government for the time, and for submitting bills
for non-existent patients. Sizzlelobe explained that he spent much of his
day thinking about having sex with the women who might some day
become his patients, that this was preparation for therapy, and, therefore,
billable.
***
While psychs commit suicide three times more often than people in other
professions, they also fail more often in the attempt.
***
Does the shrink slaver, when he hears the shock machine go zzzzap?
***
From 1960 to 1985, the United States government funded psychiatry by
nearly $16 billion. OOPS!
***
Reporter: "Why don't you simply bill the patients you treat rather than
depend upon government appropriations?"
Psych: "People wouldn't come to us for treatment if they had to pay for it
themselves."
***
"One's suicide is selfish because it leaves behind all those who care about
oneil is a thought that does not pertain to shrinks because,
a. Psychs are selfish;
b. No one cares about shrinks anyway; or
c. A psych's suicide, while selfish from the psych's point of view, is
actually a socially beneficial act.
***
Teacher: "Rewrite this sentence to remove the redundancy: 'The criminal
psych was wrong and not right either. "'
Student: "The psych was wrong and not right either."
***
We heard about a shrink who definitely is around the bend:
Shrink Assault 108
Attorney: Dr. Cutnerve, are you yourself emotionally unstable?
Cutnerve: I used to be.
Attorney: How many times have you committed suicide?
Cutnerve: Four times.
***
Don't let worry kill you off without psych help.
***
Asylum psych: "Fred is perfectly stable and I recommend his release."
Superintendent: "Butt he was put in here for brutally raping and
murdering four elderly women just two years ago."
Asylum psych: "How do you know that?"
Superintendent: "Haven't you read his case history?"
Asylum psych: "Well, no, I haven't had the chance. I guess we could
keep him in a while longer for further observation."
***
What's the difference between a shrink and a terrorist?
While they both obtain money by alarm and threat, one must go to school
for many years to learn how to do it.
***
Why would a child psychologist not think fuimy this dialog with a child?
Attorney: "SammYt all your answers to my questions must be oral, OK?"
Sammy: "Oral."
Attorney: "Do you go to school?"
Sammy: "OraL"
Shrink Assault 109
***
Reporter (1976): "Why are Blacks not given an anesthetic when they are
given electroshock while Whites are?"
South African Chief State Psychiatrist: lilt's simply too expensive, too
slow and too risky. ...[B]ecause we treat more Africans than Whites, we
would have to double our staff if we used anesthetics."
***
Question for those wishing to become psychs: How would you improve
on the discipline enforced by a woman in Tacoma, Washington, who kept
her eight year old stepgrandson in a box for two years, only letting him
out to defecate and attend church?
Correct answer: Don't let him out to attend church.
***
After Dr. Egoshrivel's speech to psych students, one of them approached
the savant and gushed, "I loved your speech and found it to be of
absolutely infinitesimal value." Thus, was the doctor's ego rubbed.
***
Psych's ad in the singles personal column: Anal professional desires
companionship with opposite member.
***
Example of shrinks taking responsibility for their actions: During the
1950's and 1960's, many psychs around the country were contracted by
government agencies to conduct experiments to determine how humans
could be controlled with drugs and other means. Clandestine agencies
wanted to find something which would selectively remove secret in-
formation from the memories of spies.
LSD became the experimental drug of choice for psych researchers. In
some programs, the drug was given to unwitting people, and their
Shrink Assault 110
subsequent behavior observed. A soldier who unknowingly took LSD
leapt to his death from a New York hotel window as a result.
For years, the shrinks who had administered the drug remained hidden
from public view, but when they were finally exposed, their spokesman
stated that the experiment and test subjects had been officially sanctioned.
Well, excuse us for even wondering. My dad said I could kill the kid next
door, so I did.
***
Why can't a shrink be trusted to deliver a baby?
The first thing she would do when a baby is born is cut its biblical cord.
***
Dr. Cutnshock arrived home from his tour of medieval cathedrals
wondering why scholars said that they were supported by flying buttocks.
***
Dr. Bugger thought as he was providing intensive sex therapy to a patient,
"Selfish pleasures are nothing compared to the pleasures of doing
something for others. "
***
The shrink thinks so much of himself that his highest form of love making
is masturbation.
***
Report: "Patient received treatment for acute schizoparanoid
melancholia. Mandated were a series of electroconvulsive applications
given during restful state. Patient responded well with no negative latent
memories. Excessive agitation was eliminated allowing the successful
start of non coercive custodial and familial care.II
Translation: "Patient punished for being a troublesome, worrisome,
bothersome jerk. We drugged him comatose then sent successive shocks
(we're talking voltage, man) through his brain until he couldn't remember
anything. He now just sits still and vegetates."
***
Reporter: "How do you explain the fact that patient deaths increased
fivefold after you took over as head of State Psychiatric Institution?"
Shrink Assault 111
Psych Superintendent: "Unfortunately, that was a side effect of our
chemical straight jacketing program where we use modem drugs to
control patient behavior. The good news is that we have been able to
reduce our staff 25%, thereby saving taxpayers thousands of dollars per
year."
***
At two California state mental institutions, over 100 deaths had gone
unreported.
Queried about this, Dr. Didndoit responded with, "Do you realize how
much paperwork is involved?"
***
What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a murderer?
The murderer goes to jail.
***
The psych's definition of school and its purpose: An assemblage of
children placed in a controlled environment for the purpose of identifying
those who will adjust to society and the environment and those who will
not without interdiction.
***
Definition of a psych: like the Devil, but not as successful; an
incompetent Devil.
***
The end of psych treatment occurs precisely when the money runs out.
Thus, poor people generally escape that form of torture unless they run up
against government programs supplying money to the shrinks.
Shrink Assault 112
***
The main thing all psychs must learn is that they are the authorities, so
they know more than anyone else about human behavior; that there is a lot
to learn, but less for them to learn than for anyone else; and that psych
failures are not failures, but just examples that more money is needed to
understand all aspects of human behavior and mental illness.
Armed with this knowledge, the psych has sufficient arrogance to carry
him through a life of professional failure.
***
A prominent psych, who is president of a psychiatric nursing college, saw
an anti-psych web site about which he was quite concerned and so he
e-mailed the web master to let him know that it was not healthy to dwell
upon the negative aspects of psychiatry.
***
What does the psych think when he reads about increases in violence,
drug use and functional illiteracy in the United States while knowing that
the number of school psychologists has increased sevenfold between 1960
and 1993?
Job security.
***
Some say that humor is a defense against insanity. Shrinks, being a
humorless lot, lead one to wonder whether they have already lost the
battle.
***
The psychologist's solution to the Dr. JekyllMr. Hyde problem:
Dr. Hyde.
***
In S1. Louis, the college administrator's wife sought help from a psych
who promptly placed her in a psych ward without the administrator's
knowledge.
At work, he received a distress call from the wife who was terrified
because the psych was going to give her electroshock.
Shrink Assault 113
He hired a tough lawyer and got her released, but not until after the psych
had phoned him at 6:00 A.M. in terror of suit. The shrink explained how
lots of families had thanked him for electroshocking their loved ones.
To the administrator's question of whether those he had shocked thanked
him, he said that he couldn't recall any.
***
Around 70% of the income of psychiatrists comes from the government.
Thus, it follows that 70 cents of every dollar paid to psych lobbyists in
Washington comes from the government. Duhhhhh...
***
Communism ceased to be a threat to the United States when the
communists realized what a good job the psychs were already doing.
***
To become a shrink, one must go to school longer than in any other
profession.
It takes time to learn how to withstand failure and keep on going.
***
Unusual as it was, Computa-Match failed to find a match for one of its
profiles. Dr. Flop had had a Don Juan he was treating fill out the form on
the ruse that it was part of his therapy. Flop had been sure that such a
lady killer would bring in a whole bevy of matches, but it hadn't.
He decided that honesty might be best approach after all, so he filled out
the questionnaire himself and sent it in for a second try. A few days later
a letter arrived from Computa-Match canceling Flop's membership with
the curt explanation that Computa-Match was a reputable dating service
not to be used for sordid escapades.
Shrink Assault 114
***
Some psychs claim that young males prone to violence also have strong
sex drives. Their solution? Castrate those young males. Studies have
also shown that shrinks who administer electroshock are more aggressive
than psychs who do not. ..
***
When questioned as to his own responsibility for his patient having
committed a murder after taking a drug prescribed by him, Dr.
Shrivellobe chose an analogy to make his point: II Suppose a guy has too
many drinks at a bar and on his way home runs into another car causing it
damage. Is the bartender who served him the liquor at fault? Of course
not
t
a person must take responsibility for his own actions. Have I made
myself clear?"
***
The increase in Government funding of psychiatry and psychiatric
research is date coincident with the increase in the violent crime rate
t
the
decline of scholastic aptitude test scores and the increase in drug
addiction - the very things psychs were supposed to solve.
When confronted with these statistics
t
a well known shrink commented,
liThe government has never provided us with enough money to handle
these problems; they must increase funding before it is too late. II
***
As a contribution to his faith, a Jewish shrink decided to set up his office
near the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem so that he could treat depressed
wailers.
***
A take-off from a Josh Billings line: The trouble with psychs isn't so much
their ignorance as knowing so many things that ain't so.
***
Dr. Quackbrain was commiserating with his publisher over the slow
progress he was having writing his popular book on synapses. The
publisher suggested hiring a ghost writer, but Quackbrain refused, saying
that ghosts were simply synapses gone wrong.
Shrink Assault 115
***
The following would never occur, not because shrinks are
but because they are incapable of humor:
Shrink #1: "After her shock treatment, we let her up, but she staggered
into the door and fell down. It was so funny that I couldn't stop laughing,
inwardly of course.
"Then, I had the nurse double her Thorazine and she was so groggy and
befuddled that she thought that she was at home. You should have heard
her slobber when she tried to speak. Oh, what a riot!
"Her orderly told me later that she woke up during the night screaming
from bad dreams. I must say, these people do keep me amused."
Shrink #2: "I know, it is hard to be objective sometimes."
***
Thumbnail sketch of a psych's life: Pretense for reality, arrogance for
knowledge.
***
Psychiatry and psychology have not advanced because their advancement
has been left up to psychs.
***
The language of the psychologies is called "psychobabble." Years are
required to learn it, but the common folk, when they hear it, think it's
funny, so the shrinks keep it among themselves pretty much.
***
From the Comprehensive Textbook of Psychiatry, 1980, "taken no more
than two or three times per week, cocaine creates no serious problems. II
Shrink Assault 116
***
After having been convicted of raping two of his patients, Dr. Pillpusher
went to prison. As with all new inmates he dutifully appeared before the
prison psychologist for evaluation:
II Are you sorry for what you did?1I
IIYes," said Pillpusher, "Patient preparation was wholly inadequate."
Seeing that Pillpusher had recognized his responsibility in the matter, the
prison psych promised to recommend parole at the earliest opportunity.
***
The history of psych treatment is really the history of the straight jacket.
The straight jacket is a restraint which pins a person's arms motionless.
The problem, then, was how to induce motionlessness without having to
apply the jacket because with the jacket one couldn't eat or do other
personal things without assistance. Well, brilliant minds got to work.
They found that if you cut out a portion of the pre-frontal lobes in the
brain, a person would remain quiet, but retain the ability to make
rudimentary motions. Electric shock was similarly effective. Many of
these victims (oops, I meant "patients") could feed themselves. But, the
greatest advance was to be in chemical straight jacketing drugs.
Researchers are trying for the perfect straight jacket - a person motionless
as regards threatening behavior, but still able to function sufficiently so as
to not be a nuisance.
***
The psych's concept of immortality #1: A wealthy patient leaves him a lot
of money.
The psych's concept of immortality #2: He has his body frozen with
liquid nitrogen until #1 happens.
***
In a study of suicides of psychs, the researchers found that the tendency of
shrinks to have certain mental problems were three times that of the
general population. Their inference was that physicians with these
tendencies were inclined to select psychiatry as a specialty.
***
An example of a shrink solution:
Shrink Assault 117
In the early 1960's psychs experimented with methadone as a replacement
for heroin, the idea being that, after the replacement, the subject would be
weaned from methadone and thenceforth be free of that drug. Millions of
government funds were poured into methadone clinics.
The result was an entire new crop of addicts buying and selling
methadone doses, trading and selling it for street drugs, using it along
with their crack cocaine and so forth. In a Columbus, Ohio methadone
clinic, fewer than 1% of those on the program were able to walk away
from drugs.
A survey showed that 50% of heroin addicts stop taking the drug upon
their own volition with no outside help.
Of course, the latter data was anecdotal and has not been verified with
double blind, objective studies.
***
Practical joke pulled by a psych: Dr. Shrinkle told a patient to take one
Drozac twice a day and he would feel better. The patient followed the
psych's advice and felt suicidal.
***
Bailiff: tlDo you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth, so help you Ood?"
Psych: llSure, I'll try anything once."
***
You are in a room with an evil psychiatrist, an honest caring psychiatrist
and the tooth fairy. You put $5 on the table and leave. When you come
back the $5 is gone. Who took it?
The evil psychiatrist, the others are mythical characters.
***
Today, we are thanking shrinks for another gift to mankind: LSD.
***
Reporter: "Have there been any improvements in electroshock therapy in
the past few years?"
Shrink Assault 118
Psych: liMy dear man, there sure have. With modern drugs, we have been
able to relax patients sufficiently so that they hardly show a convulsion
when the current is applied. Look at it this way, now it's like frying an egg
without all that popping and bubbling.II
***
Definitions for an upcoming dictionary:
Charlatan: A person who pretends to knowledge or skill; psych.
Fraud: A deceitful person; impostor; psych.
Quack: A fraudulent or ignorant pretender to any skill, knowledge or
qualifications; psych.
***
Psych (evaluating Johnny): "Johnny, how do you know when you are
doing what's right?"
Johnny: "Well, when I want to do it and it feels g o o d : ~
Psych: "How do you know when you are doing something wrong?"
Johnny: "Ifwhat I do makes others feel bad when they are doing what
makes them feel good."
Psych (thinking): "That should satisfy those 'Golden Rule' guys."
***
Judge: "The jury has found you innocent ofthe charge ofembezzlement."
Psych: "Does that mean I can keep the cash?"
***
Writer: "It took me four weeks to finish my last book."
Psych: "That's nothing, it took me ten years to finish my last sentence.II
***
What diploma should a Psych end up with?
The third degree.
Shrink Assault 119
***
After the first visionaries have passed into history, the entire problem of
government is how to control the people so they don't revolt. Bribery and
control are the main methods utilized.
Bribery occurs through government handouts and privileges while control
is brought about through laws and regulations enforced by police,
government agencies and courts.
One such government agency is the National Institutes of Mental Health
("NIMH"). The NIMH specializes in control through promotion and
funding of mental and emotional treatments and research. The NIMH
plays a crucial role in keeping citizens satisfied with their lot.
***
Doug and Pete went hunting. They had a good day and made their limit of
two deer, six rabbits and one psych. When they drove into their yard, Pete
jumped out of the truck and hollered, "Hey, maw, time to put the game up
for freezing."
Maw came out of the house and took one look at what the boys had shot,
then said, "You can just take that psych and dump him in the garbage."
Doug stomped up to maw, "But, maw, they's tasty when you cook 'em
right."
Maw put her fists on her hips, jutted out her jaw, and said, "Won't touch
it. Do you know how long it takes to clean one ofthem things?"
***
It seems that some people can't stand success.
A famous baseball team which had been improving and rising in the
standings year after year, was about to make its final surge to the top. The
team management, looking for every possible edge, hired a team psych.
Well, the team won the World Series that year, but in succeeding years,
couldn't seem to go all the way despite having the same or better
personnel.
Shrink Assault 120
***
Ambrose Bierce had a tongue-in-cheek definition for "madII which
describes the type of person psychs consider a threat to society:
"Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming
to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants
from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual."
Bierce continued, "It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by
officials destitute of evidence that [they] themselves are sane."
***
Ernest Hemmingway, the famous author, turned to the psychs for help. At
the Mayo Clinic, he lost his most prized possession, his memory, due to
the electroshocks administered to him there. He later confided to a friend,
"It was a brilliant cure but we lost the
***
Priest: "There is only one way to make an honest living."
Psych: "What's that?"
Priest: "Hmm, I thought you wouldnlt knoW.'1
***
Nurse: "Did you hear the hospital is looking for a psych?"
Orderly: "I thought they hired one last October."
Nurse: "That's the one they're looking for. 'I
***
We are in the age of Great Delusions - when black appears white, and
white appears black - when the sane are made to appear insane and the
insane act as the world's psychiatrists." Senator Jack Tenney
Shrink Assault 121
***
Psych Lewis Terman used "tests" to back up his claim that 83% of Jews
were feebleminded, that children of the poor could never be educated, and
that Blacks, Indians, and Mexicans should not be allowed to reproduce.
***
More adverse reaction reports, including reports of over 1300 deaths,
have been received by the Food and Drug Administration ("FDA") on the
mind altering drug Prozac than on any other drug in the 23 year history of
the reporting system.
An FDA panel of shrinks met to decide Prozac's future and gave it a clean
bill of health.
It's good to know that we have nothing to be concerned about.
***
"My psych came to this country knowing only five words."
"What were they?"
"I vas only vollowing orders! II
***
Committee: "Dr., we think you have a split personality."
Psych: "We don't think so."
***
Psych witness: "l am a self-made woman."
Attorney: "I'm glad you are accepting the blame. II
***
Insanity is contagious ... you get it from your psych.
***
An American Psychologist magazine article commented on the results of
psych treatment involving 500 men, half of whom had been randomly
assigned to a five-year treatment program and the other half who received
no treatment.
Thirty years after the five-year program, a follow-up study found:
Shrink Assault 122
II I. Men who had been in the treatment program were more likely to
commit (at least) a second crime.
"2. Men who had been in the treatment program were more likely to evi-
dence signs of alcoholism.
"3. Men from the treatment group more commonly manifested signs of
serious mental illness.
"4. Among men who had died, those from the treatment group died
younger.
"5. Men from the treatment group were more likely to have experienced
high blood pressure or heart trouble.
"6. Men from the treatment group tended to have occupations with lower
prestige... .'l
***
Woman: IIDoctor, I wanted to tell you how much I've benefited from your
treatment. II
Psych: tlHmmm. are you one of my patients?1I
Woman: "No, but my late rich husband was."
***
Being a psych nowadays is not all that popular. It always has been a
second-rate profession. tlGh. you are a shrink? How wonderful, how
fulfilling that must be."
Welre thinking of establishing exit programs for psychs who want to leave
that kind of work and get into something worthwhile. How would we
cover up their backgrounds though? Their education and employment
tracks would give them away.
Perhaps, a Psychs Anonymous (PA) would be the way to approach this
problem.
***
A shrink's thought upon seeing a man fly by flapping his arms: "What's
this compulsion to be a bird?1I
Shrink Assault 123
***
The psychs decided on methadone as a treatment for heroin addiction.
Earlier, they had touted and used heroin as a treatment for morphine
addiction. Today there are thousands and thousands of methadone
addicts. Breathlessly, we await the psych's new drug t9 handle this
problem.
***
Did you hear about the psych who sued his own brain for failing to
support him?
***
Occasionally, a psych drug is taken off the market because it is addictive.
At a shrink convention, a reporter from the local paper broached the
subject.
Reporter: IIWhat possible benefit could there be to addiction?"
Psych: II Well, it keeps patients taking their medicine.
1I
***
Shrinks do have their uses. Let's suppose that you are Uncle Charlie's
only heir, but the old blighter continues to live on and on. Youlre tired of
waiting for him to kick off. You want that money now.
Here's what you do. Find a shrink to certify that Uncle Charlie is
incompetent to take care of his own affairs and that he suffers from mental
illness to boot. Get Uncle committed to a mental hospital and, with the
shrink's certification, apply to a court to be Uncle Charlie's conservator.
Now, youlll be able to spend Uncle Charlie's money. Of course, you will
have to pay for Charlie's upkeep and, of course, you'll want to send the
shrink a nice check.
Shrink Assault 124
***
Ben Franklin once said, "He that falls in love with himself will have no
rivals.II Must have had psychs in mind.
***
Iatrogenic: (of a neurosis or physical disorder) caused by the diagnosis,
manner or treatment of a physician or surgeon. The root breaks down to
"iatro," meaning "healer," and "genic,s' meaning "produced."
"Iatro" is a root word in "psychiatry" also, that is, "iatry" comes from
"iatro.
1I
Thus, II psychiatrogenic" would mean a neurosis or physical
disorder caused by the diagnosis, manner or treatment of a shrink.
I think this should catch on. The disease would be psychiatrogenia. It
would manifest itself in many symptoms. Medical doctors could take
courses and specialize in Psychiatrogenics. A whole stable of drugs could
be invented to control this disease and vast research budgets would be
funded by eager bureaucrats. The disease would spread throughout the
land. It would be worth billions.
Or, we could simply get rid of the psychs.
***
The psych has placed himself in a maze where there is no route and no
outlet, all based on the faulty premise that man is merely an animal.
Maybe, this explains his compulsion for building mazes for mice to
negotiate.
***
The official psych view of Thomas Edison's discoveries: If it hadn't been
for his neuroses, we wouldn't have the electric light bulb.
Shrink Assault 125
***
It's odd that "iatrogenic" has not been associated with shrinks before this.
The author may be the first to assert that the whole of psychiatry and
psychology is an iatrogenic neurosis. Here is a partial list of symptoms:
1. Suicidal feelings after psych treatment.
2. Stupor after taking drugs.
3. Disorientation after electroshock.
4. Violent rage feelings after taking psychotropic drugs.
5. In children, the desire for street drugs after being given drugs to sit still.
6. Vegetation after psychosurgery.
And expanding into social ills:
7. Immorality after years ofpsych influenced "education.'1
***
Curious Person: "Ifnobody likes psychs, why do they still exist?1I
Expert psych: "Most people have an unconscious desire to be punished."
***
A priest went into a barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he
owed. 'INo charge, Father,II the barber said. "I consider it a service to the
Lord." When the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a
rosary on the stoop along with a thank-you note from the priest.
Shrink Assault 126
A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do lowe you?1l
the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered.
"l consider it a service to my community. It
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along
with a thank-you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a psych walked in for a shave and a haircut. While
shaving the psych, the barber sliced through the psych's jugular vein with
his razor.
As the psych gasped, "Why?" and began to slip into unconsciousness, the
barber said, "I consider it a service to my country."
The next morning, he found a Congressional Medal of Honor on his
stoop.
BRAVO!
***
A forgotten wise man once said that laughter is the revolt of the
intelligence. This probably explains why shrinks don't laugh much.
***
How do you tell the difference between psychs and patients in a mental
ward?
The psychs can go home without getting better.
***
Let's just assume the mind set of a shrink: for a moment: You know that if
Mrs. Frigid could only learn to engage in illicit sex, she'd lose her
inhibitions. What are you supposed to do, have her practice on a manne-
quin (not the real thing after all), bring in a male orderly (confidentiality
lost), do some bum off the street (amateurish)? No, you're just going to
have to do it yourself, it's your professional duty.
Shrink Assault 127
***
The quaint coastal viJIage's only tour bus, recently bought and all shiny,
was taking a group of psychs on the rounds of the historic place when it
skidded and went over the cliff and sunk out of sight into the sea.
The town folk, in a heroic effort, managed to retrieve the bus from the
foaming water, but, alas, after they had gotten it up, there were not
enough daylight hours remaining to search for any psychs who might have
survived the plunge.
On subsequent tours, the tour bus driver would always point out the spot
where the bus had gone over and say, "and a great day it was when the
town worked as one to save this very bus. That shows you what people
can do if they set their minds to it. II
***
If a psych could cure, would he?
***
Perhaps, it is unfair to be so one sided - Every once in a while, someone
publicly says that he or she has been helped by shrinkology, that analysis
has made it easier to get along in life. I, for one, have never heard anyone
say on the airwaves, "Didn't help me, I'm crazier than I ever was." And
there are those who have been converted, you understand, those who have
sold their souls, so to speak.
***
In Argentina, psych hospital officials were arrested and charged with
trading in body parts taken from live patients. The parts were sold to
organ banks. One escaped patient was found at the bottom of a deep well,
his eyes missing.
Why waste perfectly good eyes on a crazy person anyway when a normal
person could benefit from them?
Where did your new kidney come from?
I don't know, but I've been feeling a bit bonkers lately.
***
The psych's ten commandments:
1. You shall not have God before your psych.
Shrink Assault 128
2. You shall give all your graven images to your psych, especially the
ones in denominations of $100 and $500.
3. You shall not use the name of your psych in vain, but shall tell others
all the good he is doing for you.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, or not, who cares?
5. Realize that your mother, especially, and your father have caused you
emotional difficulties which your good psych is trying to help you get
over.
6. You shall not murder during psych treatment.
7. You shall not commit adultery with commitment.
8. You shall not steal unless it relieves you of tension.
9. You shall not lie unless expedient and relevant.
10. You shall not covet, just take it if it feels good to you.
***
Although I steadfastly state that man is not an animal, I am not so sure
about the psych.
***
No one can reject psychoanalysis like a psych's wife.
***
In California, in 1976, the psychs suffered a great loss which they
commiserate to this day: The California Legislature passed a law
prohibiting the use of electroshock and lobotomies on children.
What are those poor kids to do when they need their brains scrambled?
***
Dr. Spinmind thought the idea was fantastic: Get hold of his former
patients and have them write up the benefits they had had from his
treatment. He could use these to promote himself, for the media, etc.
Shrink Assault 129
So, he sent out letters to each of the many patients he had treated. After
several weeks, to his despair, no letters had arrived in return.
He had given up hope when he finally received a response. "Dear Dr.
Spinmind," it said, "Our Annie, whom you had treated five years ago,
passed away just last week. We.lre sure that, if she were alive, she would
have sent you a letter herself.. Although she was miserable most of the
time, she knew that she would have felt worse if it had not been for you.
We are most grateful for Annie's placid nature during the years since her
therapy. She certainly was easy to take care of. As you know, she had
been away from us for years working in Chicago. You brought us back
together. Thank you and God bless. Sincerely, George and Mary
Squelch."
***
It might be said of psychoanalysis that if you give it a little finger it will
soon have your whole hand. Sigmund Freud
***
In Italy, the government was paying psychs $210 a day per patient. The
patients were warehoused in large rooms, often sleeping on the floors with
no beds, naked in their own urine and excrement.
I can hear the shrinks now, "The government needs to increase allotments, .
so we can hire more orderlies."
***
Psych book title you'll never see, "Maintaining Objectivity During Sex
Therapy. II
***
There is a new breed of ambulance chaser: the school psych who finds
students "needing behavioral adjustment." Instead of working for
lawyers, he pimps for psychiatrists and the drug industry.
***
There is a new kind of bounty hunter. He doesn't hunt murderers to bring
'em back dead or alive. No, he hunts for the emotionally disturbed with
insurance policies to bring 'em in to the shrink hospital until the insurance
money runs out.
Shrink Assault 130
***
A shrink could not be a martyr because no one would miss him.
***
Perfect mental torture: Two shrinks in love with each other.
***
Sex therapy was bound to become popular among those psychs who had
trouble getting it any other way.
***
A New York psych was given 10 to 20 years in prison for sodomising a
nine year old patient. According to the District Attorney, the psych was
unrepentant in the sense that he didn't see the criminality of his actions.
That's where the story ends, but I want to look inside this shrink's head for
his rationale. I think it goes something like this: How can I be repentant
and still maintain my objectivity? That's a professional standard any
psych would understand.
***
One Oklahoma psych
t
while conducting research for the CIA
t
gained
notoriety by becoming the first person to kill an elephant with LSD.
When notified that he was the winner of the Humane Society's Annual
Cruelty Award, Dr. Jolly said off the record that it is shameful for animal
fixated people to deny other animals the right to trip out like humans.
Shrink Assault 131
***
Shrinks take many years to complete their education. You see, they have
to find the right disease in their diagnostic manual and then read drug
manuals to find which drug to give and how much. If the patient starts
running into walls or gets too groggy, the shrinks have to be able to notice
that and cut down the dosage.
***
This shrink was tired of the out of date electroshock machine taking up
room. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under some other torture
equipment, making it impossible to move the old machine while the cord
was attached.
He decided to cut the cord, since the machine was unusable anyway. He
sawed at the cord with a knife. Seeking to ground itself, the electricity
shot through the shrink's body. After a few minutes, the shrink was
smoking and turning black. By the time the fuses blew, he had shriveled
to half his former size.
On page thirty-five of next morning's Daily News, was the caption,
"Shrink Shrunk!"
***
Canadian psychs were shipping patients to Texas mental health hospitals
for nice kickbacks. The Canadian National Health Care Program was
footing the bill. A group of patients were enroute when word got to the
Texas hospitals that the Canadian government was putting strict limits on
such U.S. hospitalizations. Dozens of Canadian patients were dumped at
the airport with no return tickets.
These were the lucky ones.
Shrink Assault 132
***
To the psych, morality does have its place: the residue left after our
cravings have been satisfied.
***
Reporter: Isn't it a terrible condemnation that those kids who committed
all these school murders were on psych drugs?
School psych: Not at all. Do you realize how much worse it would be
without the drugs?
***
!fIf you look...at male monkeys, roughly half of them survive to adulthood.
The other half die by violence. That is the natural way for males, to
knock each other off and, in fact, there are some interesting evolutionary
implications of that because the same hyperaggressive monkeys who kill
each other are also hypersexual, so they copulate more and therefore they
reproduce more to offsef the fact that half of them are dying....[M]aybe it
isn't just the careless use of the word when people call certain areas of
certain cities 'jungles' ...." from the Director of the National Institutes of
Mental Health, a top shrink in the United States.
***
The Nazis came to power in Germany in 1933. For nearly 30 years prior
to that, German psychs had been developing racial purity and racial
genetics dogma which called for elimination of the "unfit" from the
Gennan race and the breeding of a master race. The Nazis instituted this
psych program on a broad scale and the rest is infamy.
Guess who went unpunished.
***
An example of a psych hospital administrator's sublimation of thought:
Empty hospital beds means emotionally disturbed people are out there not
being treated.
Shrink Assault 133
***
The Association of Christian Psychologists should be ashamed of
themselves. Angels don't sit down to dinner with the Devil.
***
We should have degrees of shrink for psychs, don't you think? They are
not all the same - some can nullify one's existence better than others. I
suggest Latin numerical prefixes. A duoshrink would be a neophyte
capable of invalidating one's importance in only two ways, octoshrink
could do it eight ways and so forth.
***
A group of psychs needed a good investment for their extra cash. They
decided on investing in a 900 line which would give canned, but "valid,"
shrink advice covering general problems of everyday life. At the end of
the $2 per.minute can, a pitch for psych treatment would sound.
The 900 line didn't pan out well, so the shrinks decided to add on some
feeder lines as is common in the pay-to-listen industry. Suicide counselors
were given kickbacks for referring callers to the 900 line. As one victim put
it, "I got to pay $2 per minute while deciding whether or not to take my
life."
***
The fundamentalist pastors of a church in the Los Angeles area had
treated successfully hundreds of people with varying degrees of emotional
problems. One young man, who had gone through their program against
the wishes of his parents, went later to a shrink at the parents' urging, then
went back to the church, then later committed suicide.
The parents brought wrongful death charges against the pastors and the
church. No charges were ever filed against the shrink. The case went all
the way to the U.S. Supreme Court which upheld a ruling vindicating the
pastors and their right to deliver spiritual counseling.
That one suicide caused a storm of media attention. The hundreds of
psych induced suicides each year cause hardly a ripple. The psych license
to kill is still in place.
***
The incredible shrinking man had always wanted to be a psych.
Shrink Assault 134
***
A progressive fable:
Mother Nature had watched the psychs induce immorality, neuroses and
miseries on man long enough. She was sick of those guys messing up her
good plans for man and earth.
She approached the head of the American Psychological Association and
told him, "Stop it. You're spoiling things. Get out of this business. II But,
alas, he considered Mother just a figment of someone's imagination.
She tried the heads of the American Psychiatric Association, the World
Federation of Mental Health, the World Psychiatric Association and the
National Institutes of Mental Health, all to no avail; they all saw her as a
figment.
She then went to professors of psychology and doctors of psychiatry and
tried to reason with them. "You are only a figment of someone's
imagination," they said.
"These people are not nice," Mother said to the clouds and the sky. The
clouds and the sky always tried to please Mother; they created their most
fearsome storms and lightening and sent them down upon the psychs.
In a few weeks, there were no more psychs. In a few years, they became
mere figments of someone' s imagination.
***
Neurotic: Worries about castles in the air.
Psychotic: Lives in them.
Psych: Holds the mortgage.
***
How about the shrink who doubled his sex therapy business by becoming
bisexual?
***
Unlike many legitimate doctors, why do so few psychs play golf!
They find green holes with flag sticks in them too suggestive.
Shrink Assault 135
***
Of course, we are all crazy. Everyone falls into some emotionally ill
classification. According to a Yale psychiatry professor quoted in the
Wall Street Journal, "If you look at [the diagnosis manual], you can
classify all of us under one rubric or another of mental disorder. II
The psychs face a major problem in getting people to accept this.
Nevertheless, it is vital to do so because if we do not realize that we are
crazy, we wonlt recognize the need for professional help.
***
A law was presented in the California legislature which would require
psychs to report to the police instances where a patient threatened the life
of another person and the psych had reason to believe that the patient was
serious about carrying out his or her threat. Psych lobbyists mounted a
heavily financed campaign to defeat the bill, but it passed anyway. All
well and good, the only problem being that psychs have to be able to
exercise judgment.
***
Harvard psych Richard Hernstein claimed that Americans are becoming
more stupid with each generation. Thus, he advocated selective breeding
to prevent human "residue" from coming into existence. If the reader
thought deja vu, Nazi Germany,II be ashamed. This is America!
***
Well, nobody's perfect:
Shrink Assault 136
"He has made an excellent response to the years of treatment. I see no
psychiatric reason to consider him to be of any danger to himself or any
other member of society. II - Psych's evaluation of Edmund Kemper III
four years after Kemper had killed a IS-year old girl. After his release,
Kemper committed five more murders.
***
Accountants cover their mistakes with book entries; psychs cover theirs
with sod.
***
Apparently, some scientist has come up with a new theory of how the
dinosaurs were wiped out. The old theory maintained that a cataclysmic
event occurred which had caused a sudden drop in temperature, freezing
the giant reptiles. I'm sorry that I donlt have the new theory at hand to
give to you dino fans.
However, my interest is in the top shrink who was quoted as saying
(paraphrasing) that, as this would require a rethinking of where man fits in
in the scheme of evolution, psychs would have to reconsider some of their
theories also.
After hearing this, I wondered expectantly what the great authorities
would proclaim. What kind of animal are we now? I was just getting
used to being a rather intelligent ape. Can I hack it being instead a
somewhat brilliant lizard?
***
On the way to becoming a vegetable, one passes the last gasp of self
assertion: suicide. That is a hump to surmount, but never fear, the psychs
are working on the problem.
***
A young lady obtained a job as receptionist for a psych, only to quit after
a few weeks. She quit, she said, because in dealing with a shrink, you can
never win. If she came to work late, it was because she was hostile. If
Shrink Assault 137
she came early, she was anxious. If she arrived on time, she was compul-
sive.
***
Dr. Brainknife never could take a picture which favored him, he thought.
Then, a news photographer took a picture of a group with Brainknife in
the background at a social event and the picture appeared next day on the
Society page.
When Brainknife arrived at his clinic the following morning, he saw a
couple of secretaries looking at the paper. They had their backs to him
and one of them said, "Why, if I didn't know better, I'd say that crazy
looking guy was Brainknife."
The other replied, ItYeah, a dead ringer for sure, but who'd put Brainknife
on the Society page1't
As he snuck by quietly so as not to be noticed, Brainknife thought, "I
never take a good picture. II
***
Why cantt a psych feel compassion for others?
Because that would require non-objectivity.
***
Why can't a psych say the words, "I am guilty"?
Because that would not be a lie.
***
Some psychs suggest that their critics are disturbed types or disgruntled
patients who had been inadequately psychoanalyzed (shrunk) themselves
or whose transference problems had not been successfully resolved.
Golly, that's good to know.
Shrink Assault 138
***
Dr. Tranquil Lizer decided to write a book on faith healing frauds. One
Friday evening he went to a revival and when the healing and testimony
started, he staggered up front complaining of terminal cancer. The
minister looked at him, laid hands upon his head and said, "Lord, heal this
sinner by your grace. Heal! Heal! Heal!" Up off his knees came the
shrink, pretending miraculous betterment. The healer looked him in the
eye saying, "00, my son, and psych no more:'
***
Try your skill in rearranging the letters to form words:
A. This is a crypt = ?
B. Zombie tool =?
See next page for correct answers.
***
We search in vain for psychs who are members of The Optimist Club.
***
The school psych was typing up some notes as all the secretaries were
busy. She turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the psych took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
***
What's the psych's solution to a twinge of conscience?
No answer, Catch 22 question.
Shrink Assault 139
***
A study published in The Medical Journal of Australia was entitled,
"Hazards of Therapy: Child Abuse in the 24 Hours after Psychotherapy
Sessions. II
Hi Mommyt did you see your shrink today?
Smack!
***
Answers to word puzzle on previous page:
A. This is a crypt = Psychiatry.
B. Zombie tool = Lobotomize.
***
Group therapy: a safer form of psych treatment as the psych canlt spend as
much time with you individually.
***
The purpose of the major tranquilizers is stated to be "maximum
behavioral disruption." The "disruption
ll
is the sabotage of thought
processes to deny the person control of his own body. A friend had been
given one of these drugs. I remember the amazement I felt from the
passenger side as he drove his car over a row of bushes on his way to a
psychotherapy session.
***
On the highway of knowledge, psychology and psychiatry would be
wrong turns into blind alleys or mazes; one couldn't call them "detours" as
that would imply getting to your destination eventually.
Shrink Assault 140
***
Perhaps, medicine should have shed psychiatry years ago, but consider
this: Supposedly, 70% of illness is psychosomatic. If medicine is to
foster a monopoly over all illness, it will need to cover that 70%
somehow. It will need those broad psych classifications of alleged mental
illness that cover up ignorance of what's really going on.
***
Shrinks admit by their own surveys that psychiatrists and psychologists
have a much higher proportion of atheists in their ranks than do other
groups. Thus, by tortured conjecture, Dr. Acylim1s reason for not
believing in God goes something like this: Man is supposed to be created
in God's image. Man is the effect of his environment. Thus, God is the
effect of his environment. God, if he exists, wouldn't be such a schmuck
as to be an effect. So, he doesn't exist.
***
A psych's personality is merely an enduring error.
***
Government duplicity in the area of drugging the U.S. public is
interesting. On the one hand, the vast empire of illicit drugs is fought by
government agencies. On the other hand, different government agencies
spend huge sums supporting the funneling of legalized drugs to the public.
Both sets of drugs have dangers and varying degrees of habit inducement.
Psychs are the primary pushers on the legal drug side. They are usually
more lI educated,1I but less street-wise, than pushers of illegal drugs. And,
what may be the main reason the psych is favored over other drug pushers
- the psych pays taxes!
***
The problem with most neurotics is that they appear to recover
spontaneously whether treated or not. Thus, it is im.portant to get the
beginning neurotic on the appropriate drug as soon as possible. This is a
problem of social shrinklogy - to make it apparent that drugs handle
neuroses.
***
The criminal justice system and the mental health system are linked by
disapproval of behavior. The handling of the disapproved conduct
differs, but both use punishment such as drugs, shock and incarceration,
to stop unacceptable behavior.
Shrink Assault 141
Both systems are really institutionalizations of spanking, slapping, going
to bed without supper, staying in your room, loss of privileges, forced
indoctrination, and so forth.
So, what's the difference between the criminal justice system and the
mental health system?
Well, one is punishment and the other is care.
***
Shrink on his deathbed, slipping into his oblivion - A nice thought, but
what would he feel? Would he forget that he was a psych, would he join
the race of man?
***
Shrinks have noticed that people who have had a good night's sleep wake
up refreshed. With brilliant insight, some psychs are 'I treating
tl
patients
with deep sleep therapy. They give unwitting patients enough
barbiturates so that they sleep for weeks at a time.
Funny though, the patients tlwake up" in a confused stupor and sorely
depressed. What's the poor psych to do? How about electroshocking the
patients while they are sleeping? That's the ticket. Shucks, that makes
them even more confused! Well then, maybe if we perform
psychosurgery while they sleep....
***
An example of psych insight into Native Americans: tI the Sioux child
has a sense of guilt about the aggressive reactions provoked by his
weaning trauma, and then lives it out in a religious ritual of the Sun
Dance. It
Shrink Assault 142
***
Psych: an alleged doctor who thinks you have what he treats.
***
Something to wonder about: Why has no shrink ever been burned at the
stake?
***
Dr. Kutz died for two minutes before being brought back to life by
resuscitation and heart massage. He had an out of the body, after death,
experience, but he could not talk about it, as he would not admit to
hallucinating.
***
If God were a shrink, just think, we'd all be patients rather than sinners.
There would be no right and wrong, no good and evil. Weld just be out of
adjustment. What a wonderful world that would be. You and me, we'd
only need aligning, if God were a shrink.
***
Shrink - more stupid than other people, but his ignorance is better
camouflaged.
***
Shrink: a paid voyeur who hurts those viewed.
***
Jews, Gypsies and others were fodder for Nazi slave labor and
extennination programs. Perhaps not so well known is that the mentally
ill in Nazi Germany were fed into these same programs.
You guessed it, shrinks were in charge.
Shrink Assault 143
During and after Nazi Germany, psychs spread this wonderful idea to
Russia, Yugoslavia, South Africa and other countries of the world.
Shrinkology, providing solutions for the world's mental health problems.
Let's give them more money, how about it?
***
Shrink: a professional psychotic given license; a licensed psycho.
***
Who anointed thee, oh psych? Could we but discover whose minion thou
art!
***
A shrink evaluation of Jackie Kennedy Onassis, wife of former president
Jack Kennedy, upon her marriage to Aristotle Onassis: "Jackie is
emotionally immature; her sexual needs are not as strong as many women
her age, and she wanted a father figure for herself rather than a husband
and a 10ver.
1I
Oh, Jackie, we loved you anyway!
***
Dr. Harry Bailey became the first Australian psychiatrist to be named a
World Health Organization Research Fellow. Called by his shrink peers
the "White Knight" of Australian psychiatry, Bailey committed suicide
the night before he was to testify in court to answer charges of patient
abuse at a psych hospital where over a thousand patients had suffered
brain damage or death. The world has lost a stalwart, to be sure. After it
has blown over, we'll give him an award posthumously and excuse his
minor lapses ofjudgment.
***
If you want your newborn to become a psych, consider these apt first
names for your baby: Shrivel, ShriveJIa, Cringe, Cringer, Shrink,
Shrinker, Shrinka, Spinner, Spinbin, Shocker, Shocka, Slicer, SHcera,
Shrink Assault 144
Electro, Electra, Psycher, Psychel, Psychella, Psyche, Cutter, Cuttera,
Crazito, Crazita, Insano, Insana, Frontal (used with the middle name
"Lobe"), Lobe, LobelIa, Braino, Braina, Nervo, Nerva, Nervoso, Nervosa,
Synapse, Synapsa, Synapso, Arrogancio, Arrogancia, Quacko, Quacka,
and on. You can make up your own names. Just pick a descriptive term
for psych and play around with it. Satisfaction guaranteed.
***
The insanity defense often thwarts criminal prosecutions. Some shrink
testifies that the criminal was insane at the time of the crime and, thus, did
not understand the consequences of his or her acts. Perhaps, prosecutors
should examine the shrinks as to whether they understand the
consequences of their testimonies. In the criminal justice system, the as-
sumption that shrinks are sane may be wholly unwarranted.
***
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They
had pictures of psychs on them. People couldn't figure out which side to
spit on.
***
Redundancy: Shrink treatment of the mental ill.
***
Psych religious philosophy in a nutshell: When you're dead, you're dead.
In application: The sooner, the better.
***
Quack: "A false doctor who kills you." La Bruyere.
***
Five of the ten shrinks who served on the Food and Drug Administration's
panel to evaluate the drug Prozac had investments in drug companies
Shrink Assault 145
totaling around $1 million. Not to be dissuaded, these heroes gave Prozac
a clean bill of health.
***
Psych: an animal with a brain and two opposing thumbs.
***
Records at a St. Louis mental health hospital showed that 82 per cent of
prisoners. given pre-trial evaluations had received psych treatment prior to
committing the crimes for which they had been arrested. This means that
18 per cent of these prisoners had not had psych treatment. This is
shocking and indicates that work is still needed on identifying potential
criminals.
***
Psych studies: the path from inadequacy to arrogance.
***
Sadist: a shrink.
Masochist: the patient.
***
Functional definition of a psych: a responsibility thief.
***
A study of people receiving psychotherapy compared with those waiting
to start psychotherapy showed that t1[t]he therapy patients did not improve
significantly more than did the waiting-list controls." But, also significant
is the fact that the psychs never carried on with the obvious new
treatment: Waiting for psychotherapy to begin.
***
There was once a patron saint for psychs, but he resigned.
***
Psychiatry and psychology: Departments of Witchcraft.
Shrink Assault 146
***
"Indeed a debate may soon be raging among some clinical scientists on
the questions of whether clinging to the drug-free state of mind is not an
antiquated position of anyone -- physician or patient -- to hold. tI Los
Angeles shrink.
***
More than a third of all anti-psychotic drugs are given to the elderly, those
over 60 years of age, in and out of nursing homes (1990).
The drugs have helped to solve a major social problem - complaints.
Before the advent of these drugs, elderly patients were prone to complain
vociferously about poor food, dirty bed clothes, other patients and staff,
and so forth. This obvious psychotic behavior was extremely bothersome,
especially when one had to face it daily. The elderly patients never
seemed to understand about low budgets, staff turnover problems, and so
forth.
Along came the anti-psychotic drugs, and 10 and behold, out the window
went many of the complaints. They didn't even mind poor food.
As one nursing home administrator said, II ... they were so zonked out ...
that their heads were in their mashed potatoes. II
***
Psychiatrist: A medical shyster trading in non-existent diseases, which,
not understood, require brutal treatments.
***
Laughing, yelling, smiling, bitching, snickering, moaning, fits of
happiness, fits of anger, being optimistic sometimes and pessimistic at
others, sad, mad, working, playing, cheerful, worried, suspicious, trusting,
faithful, humane, cruel - all parts of life these. Take Haldol, take
Thorazine, take another major tranquilizer on your psych's prescription,
get rid of these nasty life feelings and attitudes, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Shrink Assault 147
***
In the majority of people, the major tranquilizers produce a zombie-like
state. Thus, these drugs are of great use in conveniently "warehousing"
the mentally ill and other troublesome persons. Fewer support staff are
needed to handle quiet people. Less food is required because the people
are inactive. The food doesn't have to taste good because zombies have
lost taste appreciation anyway. They stay in bed longer. Lots of benefits.
***
If you ever thought that the United States government does stirring and
wonderful things for its people, consider this: There are more shrinks per
capita in Washington, D.C., than in any other place on earth. Why there?
Could it be that shrinkology is a political operation?
***
A skull, meaning deadhead, is another good designation for shrink or
psych. Example of a usage: Skulls skulk to their annual convention.
***
For psychs, self esteem is an erroneous appraisement.
***
A confused psych was standing by his car. A passing drunk said, "Need
some help, mate?" The psych replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery in this remote door opener. Now I can't get into my car. Do you
think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery
for this?"
The drunk replied, "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?"
"No, just this remote," he answered, handing it and the car keys to the
drunk.
Shrink Assault 148
As he took the key and manually unlocked the door, the drunk said,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries... itls a long
walk. II
***
Sin: In psych parlance, a complex.
***
Quite commonly, a psychoanalytic shrink will fixate on a patient to such
an extent that, if the patient starts missing appointments, the shrink will go
into depression or melancholia. The draw is so strong that the shrink
might beg the patient to return, but only after putting forth a stern front
and insisting on kept appointments.
Some patients will perceive this weakness and obtain special favors and
reduced fees. But, this rarely helps and the psych is likely to remain de-
pressed and melancholic.
From a future treatise on the mental diseases of shrinks. The disorder is
known as the Absence of Patient Syndrome.
***
Soul, psych definition: That section of the brain which attempts to
monitor ethical behavior; a mythical section of the brain.
***
Shrink: A licensed delinquent who is above the law.
***
In II efforts to account for criticism, psychoanalysts and psychiatrists
themselves have become increasingly skeptical about the goals, methods,
and achievements of their professions. Never before has there been so
much soul-searching and self- examination, so much questioning of theory
and techniques, so much discussion of principles, problems, and policies."
The Psychiatrists, 1970.
Shrink Assault 149
This referred to psychs in the 1960
1
s, then along came mind altering
drugs, chemical straight-jacketing, and suddenly everything was fine
again.
***
"A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least
harm to the patient.
1I
Ambrose Bierce's definition of a prescription
requires modification for prescriptions from medical psychs: IIA shrink's
guess at what will best prolong the situation with least annoyance to
others."
***
Not only was a shrink the first to kill an elephant with LSD, Benjamin
Rush, father of American psychiatry, was the first to assist in killing an
American president. Followers of Rush, a strong advocate of bleeding,
dispatched George Washington by bleeding him to death. President
Washington was suffering from a cold at the time.
It was most likely Rush who first coined the famous psych justification,
"He came to me too late. II
***
One of the more glorious psych contributions to the civil rights movement
was the 1967 paper entitled, "Psychodynamics and Therapy of Civil
Rights Activists."
***
A large proportion of medical students who are not affiliated with any
religion choose psychiatry as a specialty.
Psychiatric News.
***
From a 1970 shrink: "Since a lot of psychiatrists are fairly disturbed
people, it would be a good thing if they subjected themselves to some
fO,rm of psychoanalytic treatment." We struggle against agreement here
despite the need to punish shrinks for the harm they have caused.
***
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a psychiatrist.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the psychiatrist twice.
Shrink Assault 150
***
Little boy: "Daddy, Daddy, it's not so bad. Mommy's only getting
tomato-therapy. "
Father: "No, son, she's getting somato-therapy (shock treatment and drug
therapy)."
Mother's psych (attempting amusement in a sing song voice): "You say,
'somahto' and I say, 'somayto'.o'
***
As one psych put it regarding his role with his patients: "To be a god to
them."
***
In 1989, those over 60 years of age made up 17 per cent of the United
States population, but accounted for greater than 50 per cent of deaths
resulting from drug reactions. During that time period, an average of 200
old folks died each day from drug reactions.
Much of the time shrinks don't directly administer the drugs, but they are
always in the background as advisors if not actually on the case. They are
the "experts."
We presented these statIstIcs to the eminent Dr. Deathdrug for his
reaction. The great man thought for a moment and then gave us some
cogent answers: "They came to us too late. II "Being old, they were going
to die soon anyway." IIMany of them want to die." "It's easy to say, 'drug
reaction,' when it was their heart which gave out." IIAt least, they die in
peace." "Some side effects are to be expected." "Psychs aren't perfect
either, you know." "I'm as disturbed as you are, believe me."
Shrink Assault 151
We are thankful that shrinks such as Dr. Deathdrug are taking the problem
to heart.
***
Dr. Copula, aghast at the charge he was promiscuous, proved to the
satisfaction of the court that he never hypnotized or drugged more than
one of his patients at a time into having sex with him.
***
In cases of depressed morale, psychs tend to move toward more reliance
on shock and drugs. From a review of the problems of psychiatrists.
***
n[S]uicide is the major complication" of withdrawal from Ritalin and
similar drugs. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Third Edition, Revised,
a psych text. Depression usually follows withdrawal from the drug.
Psychs have approximately six million school children on Ritalin. Dr.
Makinsane denied that the fact that many of these children will join the
pool of adult psych patients has anything to do with prescribing the drug.
***
Explaining his reasons for switching to psychiatry, one pediatrician stated,
"After many years hoping that a really sick kid would come into the
office, I gave up."
***
In an attempt to show the public that shrinks have human sensibilities, the
American Psychiatric Association puts on at its annual meetings (used to
anyway) psych musicians and psych art exhibits. These mockeries of
creativity get sage nods from many of the shrink attendees, but privately
they know indications of insanity when they see them.
***
The shrinkologist kept his diary totally secret. After all, he really
shouldn't have one. A fly was buzzing around one day when the shrink
was making an entry and this is what it read: "How can I best describe
Shrink Assault 152
myself? I am, essentially, the perfect aristocrat with wondrous
complications which only I can understand. I am on a pedestal; lesser
beings can onty look up to me and wish they could be as I. I have power
over people which they dare not gainsay. I am the epitome of civilized
man, educated in the highest subject. Good and evil, right and wrong, are
obviated by my work. I am part of the great adjustment of man to his
surroundings. It is wholesome work, though unrecognized. I'll probably
not win any awards from the ingrates, yes, those very ones I have helped.
But, I will carryon, carryon as the perfect aristocrat I am,
unappreciated."
***
Over 20 per cent of people taking the major tranquilizers have
experienced permanent damage in the muscle control part of the brain
such that their facial and body muscles tense and move spasmodically and
grotesquely out of control. Dr. Drugum believes that the bugs will
eventually be worked out with newer drugs to eliminate these pesky side
effects.
On the other hand, Dr. Slicimup is working on identifying the offending
portion of the brain so that psychosurgeons will be able to cut that part
out. Both Dr. Drugum and Dr. Slicimup warn us not to be too optimistic
that solutions will be forthcoming soon. We'll just have to bear with it for
awhile.
***
Shrinks touted the introduction of morphine, heroin, codeine, cocaine and
methadone as non-addictive. Designer drugs, such as Valium and Xanac
received similar "non-addictive
ll
introductions. In 1977, there were more
emergency room admissions from use of Valium than any other drug.
In 1987, shrinks finally admitted that Xanax was highly addictive. Listen
to your friendly shrink, listen to him, he's the expert.
Shrink Assault 153
***
The general public, including psych critics, don't realize the great service
psychs do the community by keeping the insane and other offensive
personalities out of public view in mental hospitals, asylums, wards and
homes. Imagine what it would be like if we had to see this bizarre
behavior every day. Even though there are some adverse reactions to
drugs, shock, brain surgery and experimental treatments, these very
methods which ignorant critics so blithely condemn, are what restrain
mental patients and allow them to be managed and out of sight. So,
enough of this unenlightened condemnation.
***
Child psychologist: A specialist in kiddy sex.
***
"When it is further asserted, particularly by way of statistics rather than
flat statements, that psychiatry and especially psychoanalysis are being
deserted by the brighter medical students, or that the rates of suicide,
alcoholism, divorce, and disturbed offspring are higher in psychiatry than
in other professions, or that the proportion of those cured of serious
mental illness is no greater today than in the eighteenth century, the
professional insecurity and anxiety even of those who are most secure and
least anxious in their personal lives is apt to increase sharply." The
Psychiatrists. Rogow (1970).
***
Definition of a sexually well adjusted shrink: One who copulates only
with patients of his or her own sex.
***
Upon learning that Ritalin is becoming a widely spread street drug
responsible for 60 to 70 per cent of crime in Vancouver and other
Canadian cities, Dr. Makinsane's colleague Dr. Fix stated, "Once bonafide
prescription drugs are on the streets, there is nothing we can do. The
people selling these drugs are not doctors and do not know the proper
dosages." He was also heard to say, "OOPS. guess somebody goofed."
***
Stories showing the power of psych observation:
In psychiatric screening of Peace Corps volunteers, it was found that the
performances of the Peace Corps workers bore no relationship to the
Shrink Assault 154
predictions of a team of psychs who had rated them before they left for
Ghana to serve.
During the Korean war, psychs were 25% correct in predicting unsatis-
factory service by soldiers. This was about the per cent of unsatisfactory
service overall.
***
How does a shrink examine a new patient complaining of sexual
compulsion?
It varies with the shrink, but first you must take off your clothes.
***
Sexual preference test for psychs:
1. For sexual intercourse, do you prefer warm bodies or cold bodies?
2. Which drug do you favor to enhance sexual sensation?
3. If you could fantasize, would you dream of sex with a beautiful movie
star or model, one of your patients, Hitler, your spouse, your paramour, a
beast, a deep sleep patient, another shrink, or someone in the throes of
electroshock?
4. On where do you prefer to screw: your desk, the floor in your office,
the couch in your office, a motel bed, an electroshock gurney?
5. Does money have to change hands in order for sex to be worthwhile?
6. Would you like to feel love someday?
***
What's the difference between a regular game of strip poker and one with
a psych participating?
After the regular game, everyone remembers what happened.
***
Proportionately, the largest consumers of psych drugs are the shrinks
themselves.
Shrink Assault ISS
Reporter: "Dr. Imbiber. Wouldn't you agree that the reason psychs are
such large consumers of psych drugs is that they are more mentally
disturbed that the average person?"
Dr. Imbiber: "No, no, not at all. You see, we can get them at a discount!"
***
Answer me this: What would happen if we did to the psychs what they
have done to the people?
***
"Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
Samuel Goldwyn
***
Setting:
Drs. Ignorant and Stupido have made the following suggestions: A panel
of psychs should screen candidates for political office. A shrink should be
in constant attendance to the President of the United States. Psychs
should have more input into political decisions and foreign affairs.
Scene 1, Take 1:
Reporter: "What good would your suggestions doT'
Dr. Ignorant: "Hey, Dr. Stupido. The guy said, 'good'!"
Dr. Stupido: '''Good', that's a blast. Whose talking 'good' here? Did
someone say anything about' good.'?"
Ignorant and Stupido laugh so hard they fall off their chairs. Reporter is
confused.
Director: "Cut. Beautiful, baby, beautiful. Put it in the can."
Shrink Assault 156
***
Special punishments to be meted out to psychs for their crimes:
electroshock until a vegetable, electroshock until dead, lobotomize until
without will, drug until zombie, drug into deep sleep for periods of years
depending on nature of crime, banish to association only with their kind,
lobotomize until without sexual feeling, sit still in a public school
classroom.
***
If the people were to get better emotionally and mentally, the psych would
be brought to task for having failed plus, he would now be out of ajob!
***
The mid-1960's saw the beginning of a dramatic increase in consumption
of psych drugs. One advertisement in the American Journal of Psychiatry
stated, "Her kind of pressures last all day ... shouldn't her tranquilizer?ll
The accompanying picture showed nothing unusual - a young mother
giving her child a bath. Psychs translate everyday occurrences into
situations requiring treatment. This is a practice building technique.
***
Another thing you will never see - a party honoring a psych put on by his
ex-patients.
***
For many years a famous psychiatrist named Dr. Weasey headed a mental
hospital which was staffed by several subordinate psychiatrists and
nurses. Dr. Weasey was considered an expert on the insane. One day a
reporter asked Dr. Weasey how he determined if a person was insane or
not. Dr. Weasey explained, "That's easy! I'm an expert on the insane.
I've been observing them for years."
Some time later, the newspaper headlines read that Dr. Weasey was under
criminal investigation for murder and various other crimes. Dr. Weasey
was hiding out somewhere and the police were looking for him. A
$25,000 reward was offered for information leading to his arrest.
At the mental hospital, one of the long term mental patients, Homer
Smith, saw the article and wrote a letter to the police. He told the police
all about Dr. Weasey's strange habits and mannerisms, and what kind of
places Dr. Weasey would be likely to hide in. Two weeks later, following
Shrink Assault 157
Homer's advice
t
the police located and apprehended Dr. Weasey. He was
tried and convicted for murder and numerous other offenses.
The newspapers came to interview Homer. They wanted to know how it
was possible that a patient who had been in a psychiatric ward for over 10
years was responsible for apprehending a dangerous criminal.
Homer explained, "That's easy. I'm an expert on psychiatrists. I've
been observing them for years. II
***
The psych should be commended for having to live with apes day in and
day out. It is not easy.
***
In a magazine article, a psychologist in a city near a rural area promoted
his "services
u
to local farmers. He said that farmers would be suffering
psychological trauma from this winterts 102 inches of snow that
t
so far,
had left hundreds of cattle dead. He said that the farmers should get
treatment because of the herd loss and the likelihood of floods in the
spring.
A farmer responded to the article with a letter to the editor that said
t
"If
that psychologist thinks dead cows and no spring plantint is mental
illness
t
he doesn't know beans about farming. t,
***
Psych dean to students in the graduating class: It ... and this is the keynote
in dealing with people - always appear sincere
t
even when you don't mean
it."
***
A psych is something the Devil dragged in.
Shrink Assault 158
***
In the Viet Nam war, a lower percent of soldiers were excused from duty on
psychiatric grounds than in the Korean War and World War II. An army
shrink, in an article in the American Journal of Psychiatry entitled, ItThe
Mental Health of Army Troops in Viet Nam," stated that the low rate was
due in part to the application of the "cardinal principles of combat
psychiatry. It
Well, thanks, we lost.
***
liThe patient was referred to a psychiatrist with a severe emotional
problem." This sentence is posed as an example of a misplaced modifier.
But, remember what Bernard Shaw said, "When a thing is funny, search it
for a hidden truth,"
***
From his prison cell, Dr. Brainburner read with amusement the caption on
page two of the local paper, "Convicted on eight counts, Judge Samuels
sentences psych Brainburner to six years in prison.
1t
Laughing insanely to
himself, the literal psych consoled himself with the idea that the wrong man
was in prison.
***
People can be divided into two classes, inmates and outmates of mental
wards. This classification provides shrinks with patient potential of 100%
and, hence, has gained much favor among them.
***
Many psychs specialize in marital problems, yet the divorce rate and
demoralization of sex continue to rise. On closer look, we see that the
divorce rate of psychs exceeds that ofother professionals.
Applicable wisdom: Those who live in glass houses should not throw
stones.
If you have read this book up to here, youlll realize that this is a congenial
view.
***
The world is mainly masochistic, I suppose. Why else would we have
psychs?
Shrink Assault 159
***
More on the blind leading the blind: tlHardly less paradoxical is the sad
truth that many a psychiatrist and analyst shares in the spiritual malaise
t
the growing uncertainty, the doubts and the despairs, that characterize our
society. II
The Psychiatrists, 1970.
***
So, you thought you were a normal heterosexual. In psychoanalytic
theory, bisexuality is thought to be a universal trait in that each person has
traits of the opposite sex and homosexual tendencies.
***
"Many psychiatrists and analysts are themselves tense, anxious persons all
too aware that their patients are quick to detect any weakness or insecurity
on their part.II
The Psychiatrists, 1970.
Heyt doc. What seems to be the problem? Talk to me. Maybe we can
work through this.
***
The shrink as prognosticator: III feel safe in predicting that in the course
of the next twenty-five years nearly all psychiatric patients will be readily
cured with simple drugs mostly prescribed by general physicians. II Psych
William Sargant, The Unquiet Mind, 1967.
***
Have you heard about the psych who saved his fortune cookie messages
and reviewed them daily before seeing patients? He was the wonder of
the psych community with more patient satisfaction and referrals than any
of his colleagues.
***
The curious thing about mistakes made by psychs is that they are
intentional.
Shrink Assault 160
***
We owe a great debt to psychs for this insight:
Anal eroticism is the pleasurable part of the experience of anal function; it
appears in disguised and sublimated forms in later life.
***
Prescription for beneficial treatment in a mental ward:
I. Good relations between ward staff so as to provide a congenial
atmosphere for the patients;
2. Optimism among the ward staff regarding patient recovery;
3. Good food and plenty of rest;
4. Goals set which patients can meet;
5. Group activities for the patients; and
6. Psychs denied access to the patients.
you'toethetops!
***
Everyone is a potential psych patient:
Shrink Assault 161
Character neurosis is a derangement wherein neurotic conflicts are
expressed in exaggerated but socially acceptable patterns of conduct and
may not be readily discernible as symptoms.
***
You can help your shrink, too - Counter-transference is the shrink's
conscious or unconscious emotional response to his or her patient.
***
The worst phobia of all:
Psychphobia - fear of psychs. A personality disorder and a social disease
of first magnitude requiring immediate treatment.
***
Commitment:
A process for admitting a person to a mental hospital, usually without his
or her consent, after which the mental hospital has the right to detain the
person for a legally prescribed time after the person has expressed the
desire to leave. During the commitment, including the continued
commitment after the person has asked to leave, the attending shrinks are
free to use any form of treatment they choose.
***
Psychs define delusion as a false belief out of keeping with the
individual's level of knowledge and his cultural group. Here is how to
escape being classified as delusory: consider yourself not very important,
deny that anyone is against you, don't think that any casual or unrelated
events apply to you, back down in the face of logical argument or
contradictory evidence, donIt have and carry out original or creative ideas
in the face of opposition.
Follow this advice and you will be considered well adjusted.
***
The psychIS obfuscation of "getting along
ll
:
Shrink Assault 162
Mental Health - A state of relative being in which an individual has
achieved a reasonably sufficient integration of his instinctual drives. His
integration is acceptable to himself and to his social milieu as reflected in
his interpersonal relationships, his level of satisfaction in living, his actual
his flexibility and the level of maturity he has attained.
***
Legitimate medical doctors take the Hippocratic Oath upon getting their
degrees. Medical psychs, however, are not allowed to take that oath.
Instead, they must take the Hypocritical Oath.
***
Some psychs are opposed to group therapy because they feel threatened
when outnumbered, but the chance to make more money per hour
encourages them toward it.
***
Fortunately, those who want to get ahead in life qualify for psych
treatment too - Compensation neurosis stands for particular unconscious
neurotic reactions in which features such as situational or financial
advantage are manifest.
***
Electroshock is given to twice as many women as men. Some young turks
are concerned. They have taken the lead in increasing the number of men
receiving shock. It's a small beginning, but progress is progress and some
day just as many men as women will receive the benefits of electrocon-
vulsive therapy.
***
Shrinks are living proof that insanity can be taught.
***
Yet another great advance in understanding brought to us by psychs -
Castration complex is the fear, stemming from the unconscious, of losing
the genital organs, usually in punishment for forbidden sexual
including the childhood fantasy that female genitals result from the loss of
a penis.
***
Stroke of genius time: Define "personality" as an individual character
disorder manifested in the characteristic way a person behaves in relation
to his environment. As every person is different, each deviates from the
Shrink Assault 163
norm and is, therefore, not normal. Psychs are missing out by too nar-
rowly defining their terms.
***
"As many patients are afraid of electroshock, they should not be told
when they are about to receive the treatment." Impastato, a shrink.
***
Psych Larry Squire claimed that frequent complaints of memory loss
reflect an "illusion" on the part of the patients.
***
One of the main economic problems faced by shrinks in the treatment of
mental disease is the resistance of patients to start a long course of
treatment. Patients rarely feel that their problems are so severe as to
require more than a little unburdening communication or maybe some
mild drug. Short patient visits, or quickly written prescriptions, are not
very lucrative.
Mother: "Doctor, after the baby was born I felt somewhat depressed. I
have this booklet that the hospital gave me on post-partum psychosis and
I sure don't want to come down with that, so I came to you even though I
am starting to feel better."
Shrink: "You are sure lucky that you came to me before it was too late
(thinking - before you bounced back on your own). Fortunately, the drugs
I am going to prescribe will keep you in control of this dread disease."
Mother (after being on the drugs for awhile): "Doctor, I'm feeling more
depressed than when I came to see you initially."
Shrink: "How unfortunate we weren't quite quick enough. What I
recommend is a short stay in the hospital. A course of electroshock
should handle the problem."
Mother: "But, but.. "
Shrink: "Now, now, don't you worry. I'll take care of everything."
***
A problem with having memories erased through electroshock is that one
doesn't know whether they were good or bad.
Shrink Assault 164
***
"Fear develops almost invariably after a certain number of [electroshock]
treatments, and no satisfactory explanation has been found for this fear
which the patient also is unable to explain." Kalinowsky, a shrink.
***
Penis envy: Envy by the female of the penis of the male. Broadly, the
wish for male traits, position. or benefits. Believed to be an important
element in female personality growth. -- Definition devised by male
psychs suffering from penilemania.
***
A patient: liThe personal and family problems that existed before I went
for treatment remained, only now I had the added problem of having my
memory erased. II
***
Tell me about your electroshock treatment.
I don't remember anything about it.
Then, how do you know you even received it?
(befuddlement)
***
Shrink: "Your husband's electroshock therapy was a success. He can no
longer remember what was bothering him so much before the treatment.
1I
Wife: "0h, Doctor, that is wonderful! Can I see my husband now?1I
Shrink: IISure, why not."
Wife (at husband's bedside): "Dear, I'm so happy that you're getting
better."
Shrink Assault 165
Husband: "Who are you?"
***
Cerletti and Bini, coinventors of electroshock, experimented on dogs, but
found so much brain damage that they could not carry out satisfactory
studies. In an attempt to lessen the brain damage, they chose to pass the
current between the rectum and the mouth of the animals. Cerletti later
wrote that the treatment was harmless because he observed that the
electroshocked dogs were able to stand up and run away from the shock
table following their recovery from the post shock trauma. (Dang, these
guys are so smart, it's scary!)
***
Heads actually do shrink from electric shock. Medical fact.
***
Only a psych would use the word "therapy" to describe sending electric
shocks through a person's body. But, perhaps, they are just being
euphemistic for fear of shocking the sensibilities of people.
***
Psychiatry: No, thank you. High voltage on the temples burns the bulb
out.
***
Stop electric shock experiments! A head is not a lightning rod.
***
Some pray IN temples, the psych zaps ON temples.
***
Two known causes of severe shock: accidents and psychs.
Better shock from a head-on collision than shock from a shrink.
***
School psych was feeling depressed, so went to see a shrink. The shrink
recommended a course of electro-convulsive treatments. The psych went
through six shock treatments. After a few months, he was still depressed
and told one of the teachers in his school. She asked him what he had
Shrink Assault 166
learned from his shock treatments. The psych responded, uPve learned to
keep my mouth shuU
n
***
Don't lend your car to a psych. He'll electrocute the shock absorber.
***
From an 8-yr-old:
"What's the difference between a psych and a pail of shit?"
"The pail."
***
A visitor in a psychiatric ward: "What about this guy over there? He is so
calm."
Shrink: "Yes, he thinks he is an electric lamp that's always on."
Visitor: "This does not seem very dangerous to anybody. Why do you
keep himhere rather than letting him go to live with his family?"
Shrink: "I can't turn him off. II
***
What's black and brown and looks good on a psychiatrist ?
A Doberman.
***
How many psychs would it take to cure all the mental illness in the world?
Psych Answer #1 - Question is meaningless. Mental illness can't be
cured.
Shrink Assault 167
Psych Answer #2 - We have enough personnel. We just need more
money.
Psych Answer #3 - Question is inappropriate. Everyone is mentally ill to
one degree or another.
Kid's Answer - Huh, somebody sick?
Fool's Answer - Five psychs for every person alive.
Smart Ass Answer - None.
***
A gentleman is sent to the butcher by his wife to pick up a roast for
dinner. While there, he sees a sign, "Brains: Engineer $15Ilb, Carpenter
$25/lb, Psychiatrist $250Ilb." He asks the butcher, "Why are psych brains
so expensive?1l The butcher replies, "Do you know how many psychs it
takes to get a pound of brains?"
***
Do you know why California has the largest number of psychiatrists, and
New Jersey has the largest number of toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick!
***
Did you hear about the Chief Psych who wasn't doing so well after taking
a shock treatment?
Yep, the power went to his head.
***
A news service reported that U.S. psychiatrist Richard Skodnek was
sentenced after being convicted of fabricating diagnoses for patients he
had never seen and billing insurers for their "treatment." He received 46
months in prison and was ordered to pay more than $1.3 million in fines
and restitution for these ghost patients.
His insanity plea was rejected by the jury. He was banned for life from
practicing again in the mental health field.
Test on how you're doing with this book:
Shrink Assault 168
Question? Who committed the greater crime, Skodnek or a shrink who
treated real patients and made legal insurance claims?
***
"Since sterilization is the only sure thing to prevent the further
transmission of mental illness and serious hereditary afflictions, it must
therefor be viewed as an act of charity and precaution for the upcoming
generation.II Ernst Rudin, German shrink.
***
Overheard at the last annual meeting of the Oxymoronic Society: "He's a
caring shrink, for sure."
***
Psych: "Do you have lewd thoughts about your sister?"
Patient: "I don't have a sister."
Psych: "If you expect me to help you, you have to learn to cooperate!"
***
Shrink A: "I don't understand how you can look so spry after helping
patients all day.II
Shrink B: "Who helps?"
***
Psych Comeback #32: "I'll be the first to admit that we don't have all the
answers yet."
The Question: "Why do shrinks have more failed marriages and more
successful suicides than those in other professions?"
***
"Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're complex." Samuel
Behrman
***
"Psychiatry's chief contribution to philosophy is the discovery that the
toilet is the seat of the soul." Alexander Chase
***
"Halfof analysis is anal." Marty Indek
Shrink Assault 169
***
Oh, oh, a blow to the eugenicists. From a 1996 news service release:
A U.S. researcher told a European psychiatric conference that he has
found that men with hairy chests tend to be more intelligent than their bare
brethren. "When academic ranking among the students was examined, the
hairier males got better grades," Dr. Aikarakudy Alias said after studying
medical and engineering students.
Did he study female students as well? Would implanted hair work, you
think?
***
Let's all be unhappy now, it's good for society:
"We were surprised by the result. We expected the opposite," said Geir
Kaufmann, a professor of psychology at Oslo's Norwegian College of
Business. In a recent study, he found that unhappy people do better work
than happy people, who overestimate their own ability, underestimate the
complexity of problems, and tend to opt for the easy or obvious answers.
Unhappy people, in contrast, tend to look deeper and find more creative
solutions to work problems.
Now, how about unhappy people with hairy chests? (see previous joke.)
Wouldn't they be awesome achievers?
***
The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is
reflected in the proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American
Psychiatric Association.
***
How many shrinks does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thin you slice 'em.
***
Reporter: "You say that witnessing your first few electroshock treatments
was so disturbing that you had to leave the room. You say that, yes,
horrendous side effects are produced from which the patients never
recover. You say that the patients are not cured, but only put in a position
Shrink. Assault 170
where they can't act out the terrible frustrations they feel. Dr. Cold, how
can you justify giving them?"
Dr. Cold: "If you let your emotions get involved, it will tear you apart. A
doctor must develop a certain insensibility in order to treat these people.
The people who write anti-shock books, the multitude of ex-mental
patient advocates, and so forth, do not understand what I had to go
through to develop the dispassionate objective approach necessary to do
this work. You say, but all these terrible side effects! I say, how would
we even know about the side effects without first doing the treatments?
Take a broader view of things, sir. Science is advancing."
***
As one psych has put it, IlWe may soon be in a position to distinguish
organic childhood from functional childhood. II
***
English teachers advise against redundancy, but authors often use it for
emphasis. Redundancy may be used with abandon when speaking of
psychs. An example: Self vanity is characteristic of shrinks. Words like
"arrogance," "ignorant." and so forth, while applicable to psychs, are not
strong enough. Examples of useful redundancy when referring to psychs:
haughtily arrogant, ignorantly lacking in knowledge.
***
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to other side.
Why did the Psych cross the road?
To understand why the chicken was so compelled.
Shrink Assault 171
***
More and more, bonafide doctors are saying that many of the behavior
patterns which are given tldisorder" labels by psychs are actually caused
by experimentally proven deficiencies of specific minerals and vitamins.
Dr. Vitsrdrugs, eminent shrink, begs to differ. Those so-called doctors
are suffering from nutrition deficit disorder, he says.
***
Man in elevator: "Did you hear about the psych who was sleeping with his
patients?tI
Shrink: "No."
Man (busting up laughing): IIHe was an animal psychologist."
Shrink (perplexed): IIS0 ?"
***
Dr. Iamgod, outwardly a religious woman despite being a psych, was
speaking to the priest when he disappeared in a twinkling. Another
woman parishioner, whom she was treating, said, "Sweet Lord, it's the
Rapture at last," and she too vanished. The shrink glanced around as
others disappeared. "What a brilliant way to get rid of the insane," she
thought.
***
A psych mistakenly took a wrong turn during a tour of the Tower of
London. As he rounded a corner, he found a door, and opening it, saw a
torture room. In the room was an iron maiden, a rack, a chair with nails all
over the seat and back, a lead boot with a hole to pour hot oil over
someone's foot, whips, and branding irons, pokers, various types of pliers,
and other more gruesome items. While he was taking a look, a guard
came up to him and said, "Horrible, isn't it sir, and to think they used all
this for torturing people. II
Staring in awe, the psych said, "Boy, they sure had great equipment in
those days!"
***
The police were tipped off to a child molester's hideout. When three
officers from the vice squad busted in, they were shocked to find the
police shrink and several nude young boys.
Shrink Assault 172
At an intradepartmental hearing, each of the three officers was suspended
for two weeks without pay for interfering with a police officer carrying
out his official duties.
***
Sammy's mother was asked to come see the school psychologist. He
informed her that her son Sammy was unable to read and that this was
caused by a brain chemical imbalance. Not knowing what else to do, she
decided to try to teach the boy to read herself.
She did the following advanced reading technology. First she told the
little boy that anyone could learn to read; it is easy once you know 'the
secret. Second she taught him the alphabet. Third she told him that letters
stand for sounds so people can communicate. Then she gave him one
letter at a time and taught him the sounds. Then she taught him that words
are sounds that stand for something. Finally she got him to sound out
some words.
Now, he can read -- AMAZING! She had cured his bad brain!! His
chemicals are balanced now -- Adapted from an actual event.
***
The Dean of Medicine admitted privately the other day that the real
reason it takes twelve years to become a psychiatrist is that students who
enter the field are less intelligent than those who don't.
***
III am sure it would be sensible to restrict as much as possible the work of
these gentlemen, who are capable of doing an immense amount of harm
with what may very well descend into charlatanry. II
Winston S. Churchill on "psychiatrists"
19 December 1942
Public Records Office
UK
Shrink Assault 173
***
A story of the just reward:
A psych was accused of sexually molesting a young boy while the boy
was hypnotized. The psych was brought to court for this offense, but
could not testify in his own behalf because, as his attorney explained, the
psych now had Altzheimer's disease and couldn't remember...
hmrnmmmmmm
***
Clinical psych Dr. Mesup Kids shot his wife's lover. The police could
find no clue to the identity of the killer until they found in the deceased's
unopened mail a bill from the doctor for services rendered and the cost of
three bullets.
***
Lawyer - How can you render an opinion that my client was criminally
responsible for this crime when you do not believe, as a matter of
principle, in responsibility?
Psych Witness - The district attorney is paying my fee. Ask him.
***
The first step in our plan to STOP THE INSANITY is to put all the
psychs in jail.
***
When I was publishing this bitter humor on the Internet, I had dozens of
psychs requesting the pieces. Most of them would drop off after a while.
Some would tell me why. My wife thought the following was funny, so
I'm including it here. Myself, I just felt sorry for the poor sap:
"Sir, I am a psychiatrist who enjoys laughing at himself and was hoping
your list would provide some humor and maybe even insight.
Unfortunately it is just boring. Three weeks and nary a chuckle. Just
bitter, angry, depressed rhetoric and simple minded name-calling. I hope
at some future time you get the help you seem to need. I am afraid your
fear of 'therapists' will prevent that, and for that I am sorry. In the
meantime, please remove me from this forum."
***
What is the difference between God and a psychiatrist?
Shrink Assault 174
God doesn't think he is a psychiatrist.
***
A psych, a cleric and a teenage girl were the only people traveling in a
plane which had encountered rough weather.
The pilot announces that the plane is going to crash and tells the
passengers, ''There are only two parachutes. You three will have to
decide who gets them."
The psych says, "The world needs smart men like me." He buckles up
and leaps out.
The cleric says to the teenager, "You have your whole life ahead of you;
take the last chute and go." The girl replies, "That's all right, there's still
two. That smart guy took my backpack. to
***
"There is nothing more horrifying than stupidity in action." Adlai E.
Stevenson.
Idea: Let's drug elementary school children who fidget. And then, let's
teach them to read without understanding the words.
***
How does a psych go about changing a light bulb?
He gets a grant from the Department of Education.
***
I was looking into the future the other day when I saw unemployed psychs
on welfare. Suddenly, I was elated as a dozen or so mental disorders
kicked in. But, shortly, I crashed into a deep depression when I realized
that psychs are already getting government appropriations for doing harm.
Shrink Assault 175
Then, I calmed down. Welfare would be better: Giving them money for
doing nothing would be better.
*ilc*
One day God was making an inspection visit to Hell. "What's going on
here?1I he asked Satan. "What has happened to the despair? Where is the
misery? These people are eternally damned. They're not supposed to be
walking around with looks of contentment."
Satan said. "Don't worry. my psychs will be back soon. They had some
things to take care of on Earth.tt
***
The principal of the school where psych Dr. Kidsfriend oppresses
children says to the assistant principa,l. "I'm worried about Kidsfriend. His
mind seems to be wandering."
The assistant principal replies, "I wouldn't worry. It won't go far."
***
How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. unless there are contra-indications which require consultation or
referral.
***
The beautiful wife of a prominent businessman was having an affair with
her shrink. She was beginning to feel more and more bizarre about it
even though the shrink had ensured her that sex therapy was absolutely
necessary for her to come to grips with her sexuality.
To give the treatment realism, he convinced her to set up an apartment
where they could meet. One day the wife came to the apartment and
found the psych spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved
towards him and sat down very seductively.
She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward
and whispered in his ear:
"Take off my dress.
"Now take off my bra.
"Next remove my shoes and stockings.
"Now remove my garter belt and panties. II
Shrink Assault 176
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted, "The
next time I catch you wearing my clothes, I'm finding another shrink.
n
***
The only people sicker than those who cannot tolerate bizarre behavior
are those who have to do something about it.
***
What's the difference between a psych and a jackass?
One of them will listen to reason if you hit him with a stick.
***
Dr. Frylobe's wife told him that tonight at 2:00 A.M., Daylight Savings
Time was coming in. She asked him to set the clocks ahead, then she
went to bed. Frylobe remembered that he had not done anything about
the change at his office and private hospital, so he set the clocks at his
house and drove to back to the office. After hetd set the clocks ahead, he
went to his electroshock machine and studied it. A psych tech found him
there in the morning still puzzling. Frylobe said to the tech
t
"How in the
hell do we advance the timer on this machine?"
***
A ventriloquist had been hired to perform secretly at a psychiatrists'
convention. He pretended that he was a shrink and went from table to
table plying his trade unbeknownst to the attendees. Several psychiatrists
were sitting around a table. Suddenly, a coffee cup said: "Hi. I'm a
talking coffee cup and I'm telling you you're having auditory hallucina-
tions."
Not one psych acknowledged that he'd heard anything.
***
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the
Shrink Assault 177
following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you
with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
***
A psychologist treated a child with the worst apathy (unconcern) he had
ever seen. He gave her a long-winded speech on how important it is to
care about others. He recommended sending her to a boarding school
where interaction with others might decrease her apathy.
Several months later he met a colleague who inquired after the girl, to
which the psychologist responded, "She's gone. Who cares?"
***
A woman was hauled off by the police and brought to the psychiatrist in
the emergency room:
Psychiatrist: "Do you feel people are out to get you?"
Captive: "They're out to get me, they got me, and they brought me here."
Psychiatrist: "Do you ever feel like killing yourselfl"
Captive: "Only when they put me in those depressing mental hospitals."
Psychiatrist: "Does God talk to you?"
Captive: "Yes, He does, and He's been telling me that you've been
padding your Medicaid bills."
***
"Idleness is the beginning of all psychology." Friedrich Nietzsche.
What, psychology a vice?"
***
Ever check out the names of ECT devices? Well, one brand made by
Somatics Inc is called the Thymatron. What's a Thymatron? Good
question. Thymatron is a coined word made up from Thymo- [(Gr.
thymos, to burn sacrifice) Combining form indicating relationship with
the soul, spirit] and -tron [(Gr. of instrument), a combining form used
especially in forming names of devices in electronics.] It is aptly named.
Another ECT machine is listed as manufactured by the Hittman Co. Yet
another is made by Ectonus Inc. That's right. ECT - ON - US.
Shrink Assault 178
***
Alleged to be a true story:
Some years ago, a major national conference was held to discuss
addiction. Psychologists, social workers and therapists of all kinds came
from all over the country to talk about the problems of the poor addicts
and what to do for them. The first morning
t
at the first panel, the hotel
did not have the coffee ready. The panel members refused to continue
until they had had their coffee.
***
An apparently true story:
A very depressed man goes to see his psych and, once in session with his
therapist
t
pulls out a revolver and admits to the psych that he is still so
depressed that he has been playing Russian roulette.
The psych says "Excellent, for someone like you this is progress!" He
then picks up the revolver, breaks it open and says, "Look here
t
this bullet
represents death, but, the five empty chambers represent life - death is
surrounded by life!"
The patient replies
t
"Thanks Doc, you're telling me that life is an empty
chamber?" At which point, the psych closes the revolver and, smiling as
if to make a point, blows his own brains out.
Shrink Assault 179
***
A psych was spending a quiet day fishing on Loch Ness, when suddenly
his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. The beast tossed him
and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the psych sailed head over heels, he cried out, "0h, my God! Help
me!" A booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you were
God!1I
***
President Harry S. Truman is famous for his pithy statement, "The buck
stops here." Psych Dr. I. M. Sizzle has puzzled over the meaning of that
statement for years. What disorder would underlie such a remark, he
wonders.
***
Identical twin brothers. One lives a godly life, good husband and father,
reputable businessman, lots of community service. The other is a psych.
They both die at about the same time. The good twin is in Heaven and can
look down on the bad twin in Hell. Hell is not as the good twin imagined.
His brother is still conducting business as usual, damaging children with
Outcome Based Education and drugs for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity
Disorder, seducing clinical patients with sex therapy, electroshocking and
malpracticing and so forth. The good twin sees St. Peter and says to him,
"Mind you, I'm not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but
my brother down there looks like he's enjoying himself."
St. Peter puts an arm on the manls shoulder and says, liMy son, all is not
as it seems. In Hell, everything runs backwards. II
***
Found in the email signature of a psychologist who didn't think black
humor on psychs was funny: "Some people are alive simply because it's
against the law to kill them!" (1998)
***
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer I - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurities. (Psychoanalyst's
submission)
Shrink Assault 180
Answer 2 - Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross
roads. ECT and psychotropic drug protocols can be used to keep the
chickens in place on the acceptable side of the road. (Psychiatrist's
submission)
***
I would put good stuff about psychs in my stories if I could think of any
good stuff to put in. I don't believe I ever will.
***
The psychs in Greensboro, NC (Mar 1998) "restrained" a 16 year old at a
private psych hospital there. A bed sheet was tied around the boy's head
and he died.
A psych, who wishes to remain anonymous, stated to a local reporter,
"Unfortunately, he came to the hospital too late for us to help him."
Note - That hospital has since lost their NC state license and federal
Medicaid and Medicare funding.
***
Support for argument that psychs have rights to their opinions:
In 1928, Justice Louis D. Brandeis repeated that famous phrase. He
stated: tiThe makers of our Constitution sought to protect Americans in
their beliefs, their thoughts, their emotions, and their sensations. They
conferred, as against the Government, the right to be let alone -- the most
comprehensive of rights, and the right most valued by civilized men.II
On this, Chief Justice (then Circuit Judge) Warren Burger said in 1964,
tlNothing in this utterance suggests that Justice Brandeis thought an
individual possessed these rights only as to sensible beliefs, valid
thoughts, reasonable emotions, or well-founded sensations. I suggest he
Shrink Assault 181
intended to include a great many foolish, unreasonable, and even absurd
ideas which do not confonn...."
***
Making use of the fashionable rhetoric of rights, a prominent psychiatrist
describes adding the "right to treatment" -- a euphemism for coercive
drugging and so-called "outpatient commitment" -- to civil commitment as
a "policy more realistically and humanely balancing the right to be sick
with the right to be rescued." Thomas Szasz - from a statement to the
Foucalt Tribunal 1998.
***
Could there be a conspiracy to teach phonics?
A current psych-based textbook is being used to teach student teachers
how to teach "whole language" to children learning to read. In the "whole
language" method, children guess at words based on the pictures or the
context. They are taught to skip over words they don't know or to substi-
tute words that might fit the context. There is a chapter in the textbook
that warns teachers to be aware ofa conspiracy of lay persons to teach the
sounding the syllables in words. According to the book, teaching
intensive phonics is a plot to keep children from reading or thinking for
themselves and to promote docility and obedience on the part ofthe lower
classes. "Reading Process and Practice, Socio-Psycholinguistics to Whole
Language" by Constance Weaver (1994).
School psych: "Mary, your teacher says that you want to know what the
words in the book mean. Is that true?"
Mary: "Well,just some ofthem, sir."
School psych: "Mary, call me Bill. I'm your friend here at the school.
There's a special medicine that you need to take, Mary, so you won't
worry anymore about what some of the words mean."
Mary: "Thank you, Bill. Thanks for being my friend."
Shrink Assault 182
***
Joe Psychotherapist's practice had reached the point where he decided
that he needed a snappy sign over his office door. As he was located in
an old converted warehouse that his yuppie clients liked, he had the sign
maker put a weathered board up advertising "Joe Psychotherapist."
Immediately, business began to slacken. One day as Joe was entering his
office, he chanced to look up at the sign. The old wood was cracked in
strategic places. What Joe saw painted up there was "Joe
Psycho/the/rapist."
***
Reporter - "Dr. Dopem, statistics show that between 1950 and 1964, more
people died in federal, state and county psychiatric hospitals than all the
Americans killed in the Revolutionary War, War of 1812, Mexican War,
Civil War (over 500,000 in that one alone), Spanish-American War,
World War I, World War II, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, and the
Persian Gulf War combined. How do you countenance that?"
Dr. Dopem - "You are mixing logic here. People die. They've got to die
someplace."
***
The crazed ex-patient of Dr. Fiximgud burst into the clinic and with a sten
gun forced everyone into the back room. He told the attendant to go get a
can of gasoline. He said that if the attendant tried to contact the police,
he'd kill the receptionist of the clinic. The attendant went out and brought
back the gasoline in two minutes. The ex-patient then told the
maintenance man to get some rope and, if he tried to call the police, he'd
kill Dr. Fiximgud's secretary. The maintenance man brought back the
rope in one minute. The ex-patient then had one of the orderlies tie the
psych to a chair. Then, he poured gasoline over the Dr. Fiximgud's $600
suit. He thereupon told everyone present that they could save the psych
by taking up a collection among themselves. He bet they had plenty they
could cough up. He had the receptionist pass a bucket around. Everyone
put in something. When the receptionist gave the bucket back to the
ex-patient, he found quite a haul: Two dollars, some change, six lighters
and five books of matches.
Shrink Assault 183

Psych: "This report from your teacher says that you daydream, look out
the window, and wiggle in your seat."
Six-year-old Albert Einstein: "I find what the teacher says boring. I like to
think ofother things."
Psych: "Hmmmm. I would say you need to be drugged, wouldn't you?"

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her
mother, IISigmund proposed to me an hour ago."
IIThen why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an athiest. Mom, he doesn't even
believe there's a hell.
1I
Her mother replied, "Give him some slack, honey. He doesn't know any
better because he's just a shrink. Marry him anyway. Between the two of
us, weIll show him how wrong he is."
*.*
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time
I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think
there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me,
Doc! I'm going crazy!"
IIJust put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to
me three times a week, and I'll help you smash those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
II A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Shrink Assault 184
Six months later, the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you
ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Hal For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10.
11
"Oh? Is that so? How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
***
A belief shared by not a few psychs is that psychoses and neuroses are
hereditary, that is, they spring from genes predisposed. This makes the
psych habit of identifying new mental disorders more interesting than it
might otherwise be, for now new research vistas open: Let us go and find
the gene that causes little Johnny's Attention Deficit Hyperactivity
Disorder or Mary's Nose Picking Compulsion Disorder.
But, what about the Compulsion to Find New Mental Disorders? What
gene causes that, eh?
I might even chip in ten bucks for that line of research.
***
It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three kids were casting their
lines to catch some fish and two of their friends were rowing in a small
boat.
Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to poop on. (Those
nasty birds!) The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove
onto the three kids.
Tu1, tu1, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three. The
older crow went towards the two in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it
went thud, hitting only one of them. Since this was a moving target, it
didn't seem all that bad.
Shrink Assault 185
Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it had just
been hatched. It dove towards those three kids. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud,
thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid
riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested
on a tree branch.
So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there and said, "We are
impressed! Where do you learn to poop on people like that?"
The little one said, "I may be a new hatch but live got plenty of experience.
In my last life I was a school psychologist."
***
One day Dr. Dazed was out jogging after a particularly stressful day at his
psych clinic when he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold
water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw
him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore.
He was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved a
stalwart of the community and each of you deserve a reward."
The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!"
Dr. Dazed says, "Compulsive, my young friend. There's a carnival coming
here next summer. Here's five buck towards a ticket."
The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air
Jordan's."
Dr. Dazed responds, "Sounds like a fixation to me. But, anyway, here's
five bucks for you too."
II And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom
speakers" the third boy says.
Dr. Dazed looks at the boy and says, "But son you don't look like you are
handicapped to me."
Shrink Assault 186
The boy says, ''I'm going to be when my dad finds out I saved a shrink
from drowning!!"
***
A hurricane was approaching the west coast of Florida and a local radio
station had their expert psychologist on the air to answer questions from
the radio audience. A casual, if ignorant, observer might think that the
psych was on the air to help people over their worries about harm from
the storm. One of three calls the psych received was from a young },loy
who asked why they were trying to scare everybody about the storm. The
psych assured the boy that they were not trying to scare anyone, but that
such a thing could be pretty scary. The thing to do, he said, was to walk
away from the television, but be sure to check it later for up to date
information.
This incident possibly teaches us several things:
1. If the man on the radio was their expert psychologist, other
psychologists must exist who are not experts.
2. Although the psych was Hnot trying to scare anyone," if you were
scared you should stay tuned so you can be scared again.
3. At least three people, two if you don't count the boy, out of a
population of two million, were worried enough to call in.
4. The psych was so confused, he thought he was on TV rather than on
radio.
***
Dr. Sham overheard the secretaries talking about email and how
convenient it was. He felt left out, so decided to get on line and go
modem. Besides, he'd heard that there were several mailing lists for
psychs that he might find interesting. During these discussions, he would
nod his head learnedly and, when directly asked about his experiences on
line, would give non-committal answers to hide his ignorance of this new
system of communication. Over the next weekend he purchase a
computer and modem. A consultant hooked it up for him and installed
the Internet software he needed to connect up. "I don't have time to run
through this with you today, but fortunately, it is very easy," the
consultant said. "Just click around with this mouse and you'll be able to
work out for yourself how to send and receive mai1."
Shrink Assault 187
Dr. Sham spent the rest of Saturday trying to get the system to work. The
next day, the secretaries were talking about surfing the Net over the
weekend. Sham broke in and said, "I was on the Net, too."
The secretaries were impressed because Sham was such a fumbler
ordinarily. "Well, did you find anything interesting?" one of the girls
said.
Sham puffed out his chest. "Well, I found a glitch (new word he'd
leaned) in the programming. I'll get the consultant on it next weekend."
"Oh, what was it?" said another secretary, quite impressed.
"Well," said Sham, "when my mail program said, 'You have mail,' I went
out to the porch, but the box was empty. Happened four or five times. I
was really disgusted."
***
The last psych on Earth is in a holding cell after having been found guilty
of the practice of shrinkology. What shall her or his sentence be?
Contest: Answer this question in either of two ways - 1) Provide an an-
swer that completes the joke or 2) Write an essay on the subject. Essays
are limited to 500 w o r d s ~ Jokes and essays will be judged on how funny
and how black they are. The best three jokes and the best essay will be
featured and credited in the next edition of this book. Entries may be ed-
ited for grammar and word usage. All entries become the property of
Adair Publishing. Mail entries, your name and address to Adair Publish-
ing, P.O. Box 8474, Clearwater, FL 33758-8474.
Shrink Assault 188
Index
This is a partial index of words or concepts that appear in the book. Page
numbers before 24 indicate that the listing is for subjects in essays or in-
troductory material. Some subjects occur so often in the bitter humor
starting in Chapter 4 that to list all the pages was impractical. Such sub-
jects are children, sex, right and wrong, patient, doctor, electroshock, and
so forth. Tum a page or two and you will find humor in those areas.
Neither is the listing of pages below complete for some of the words.
Adjustment 41,67,112
Arrogance 42,107,146
Atheist 52,80,141
Authorities 46
Birth Control 52
Black Humor 7,12,179
Brain 23,47,102,129
Church 80,104,134
Civilization 23,97
Coercion 111,181
Commitment 161,181
Conquest 22
Consent 15
Conspiracy 181
Control 13,45,85,140
Crazy 38,50,128,136
Cures 52,90,153,170
Death 34,70,121,151
Death Camp 48
Delusion 68,69,162
Depression 51,72,149
Destruction 84
Deviance 39,41
Devil 49,63,90,133
Diagnosis 55,151,177
Disorders 35,86,124
Dissidence 103
Divorce 67,153,159
EeT 30,34,89,177-80
Education 19,77,121,179
Elderly 63,146,147
Experiment 47,101,153
Experts 55,151,186
Fixation 44,82,131,149
Gene 35,184
God 65,83,128,143,179
Government 38,56,130
Guide 17
Heaven 37,59,76,89,179
Hell 30,63,88,183
Hitler 60,96,102
Hospitals 51,98,124,153
Hypnosis 63,151,173
Insanity 81,122,144,163
Justice 21,107,141,180
Killing 43,60,134,182
Lobotomy 78,129,140
Ministers 56,65,91,138
Molestation 72,92,172
Morals 18,76,86,132
Neurosis 64,94,141,184
Nursing Home 146,147
Objective 116,170
Personality 28,61,161
Politics 20,41,86
Post-partum 163
Prison(er) 38,85,116,168
Promiscuous 105,151
Psychopath 105
Psychosis 64,99,163,184
Therapy 61,76,81,84,139
Punish 16,63,111,126,141
Quiet 42,45,64,78,102
Rats 7,39,80
Religion 36,61,150
Sanity 18,77
Schools 45,57,71,107,130
Science 36,79,146
Self Esteem 148
Sin 45,148
Soldiers 110,154,158
Soul 31,42,43,60,70
Spirit 31,43,68,75,178
Studies 59,106.121,146
Suicides 85,97,98,111
Tolerance 97,105
Tranquilizers 140,147.152
Vegetables 26,64,137,156
Wards 72,94,113.157.166
Warehousing 130,147
Witchcraft 65.69,146
Zombies 59,139,147,156
About the Author
To his writing, Lorenzo Samuel brings a lifetime of experience in science,
industry, education, counseling and the law. As with most authors
though, he has had an abundance of non-descript employment that he
would rather not mention, even though it provides flavor to his writing.
Actually, Lorenzo Samuel is a pen name. His alter ego has a Bachelors
degree in chemistry and a Juris Doctorate in law.
Mr. Samuel has written two other non-fiction books and hundreds of
papers, articles and reports. "SHRINK ASSAULT: A Bitter Humor Look
at the Psychs' Evil Empire" is his third book and the first in a series
entitled, "The Psychs' Evil Empire Series." Mr. Samuel has done
extensive research on psychologists, psychiatrists and their professions.
Being well versed in scientific methodology, he soon found that these
professions were not scientific although they pretended to be in order to
steal money from us taxpayers via the government. Through his
investigations, he found that psychs were committing a vast fraud on the
people to the tune of many billions of dollars. As a natural humorist, he
found it easy to turn this knowledge into a book of bitter humor.
The second book in the Psychs' Evil Empire Series will cover the mental
diseases of psychologists and psychiatrists. Several years ago, Mr.
Samuel discovered that psychs are prone to mental diseases peculiar to
themselves. He hopes that a listing of these diseases will enable psychs
to get the treatment they so justly deserve.
Mr. Samuel is nearing completion of a book of short speculative fiction
stories about psych oppression. This will be the first book in a series
entitled, "The Psychs' Evil Empire Fiction Series." Each of the Evil
Empire series wiII likely run to five interrelated books
Mr. Samuel has chosen planet earth for his residence, unwisely some say.
He lives there with his wife, who will not permit her name to be revealed
for what she says are obvious reasons. Hint - she was named after a
famous 1930's torch singer. They have two cats, one, the Queen of the
Known and Unknown Universes, and the other, the Usurper. Ifthe Queen
and the Usurper can be convinced, a dog is planned. Oh yes, Lorenzo
and his wife have four adult children and five grandchildren.
ORDER FORM
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WHAT'S YOUR AFRICANNAME? How to Find it. Make it Public, or
Keep it Secret, 176 pages, $12.95
SHRINKASSAULT: A Bitter Humor Look at the Psychs' Evil Empire, 192
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