330 Questions Before Getting Married

by Marvin A. Marcelino

Marriage is a pursuit in life through partnership, though they are considered as one person, yet they are still two different people with individual characters, values and aspirations. Each person has a unique values system (spiritual, mental, social, and physical). These individual values are gained and applied to adapt, survive, and meet lifes goal as individual and together as a couple. However, in marriage these values are merged with another persons set of dissimilar values and beliefs. If this is well communicated and understood in the early stage of a relationship then a high probability of a successful marriage is evident. If these are not well defined, they are the primary causes or source of most marital conflicts. Every person undeniably possesses some degree of prejudices to the spouse set of values. These values are set aside prior to marriage but reappear during misunderstandings and miscommunications which adds complication to marital conflicts resulting to separation or divorce. Pre-marital stage is the drunken stage where both individual is emotional high and nothing else matter but the present emotional state each has for each other (each sees only the beloved with all heavenly clouds of white around). When these emotional states settles (the smokes clears out and reality sets in) and each enters into clearmindedness and realization. These questions start popping at any argument in and out of context. May this call your attention before you lock yourself into a possibility; marriage is marrying to possibilities, the possibility to goodness or disaster. Ask each other, for you and your beloved to be clear and definite. Couples must search to find out truths and weed out doubts about your partner, for knowing will save you from future headaches and regrets. To avoid future marital conflicts and regrets the following 330 questions may help one to clarify doubtful and undefined sets of values in some if not all aspects of marriage life.
Warning: you might not want to consider marriage after going through the questions.

About you and your partner to be 1. How would you describe yourself? 2. How did you fell in love to each other? 3. Do you many ways to show your love? 4. What do you do that shows you love me? 5. Are you really in love with this person? 6. Is it really love or something else? Can you describe it? 7. Am I a jealous person? Why? 8. Are there trust issues or feel insecure exist in each of you? 9. Do I truly and completely know the person I will marry? 10. What do I really need from this person? 11. What is your love language? 12. How will we handle communication? 13. How can we improve our current communication? 14. Are you a visual (or auditory, or kinetic) person? 15. Do you think you listen to one another well? 16. What is my partners (spouse to be) likes and dislikes? 17. Do you know each others emotional intelligence and maturity? 18. Do both of you know about each others past relationships? 19. Do you have unfinished business with your former relationships? 20. How many relationships did you have before marriage? What failed your former relationships?

About Marriage /Married Life 1. How much laws about civil marriage do you know? 2. Can you define the meaning of marriage? 3. What is your concept of marriage? 4. When you talk about family, what comes first in your mind? 5. What are your expectations of marriage? 6. Do you have a marital mission statement? 7. What is your vision about your marriage? 8. What is your individual or both goals in life? (long and short term) 9. Why are you/we getting married? 10. Am I in a hurry to get married? 11. Do you have a plan (map) to get into marriage? 12. Can both name three most important things to you in marriage? 13. What are both your expectations of marriage to be like? 14. What do you as a couple want out of marriage life? 15. What is the main role of the husband? 16. What is the main role of the wife? 17. Identify three things that we want to accomplish in the near future. 18. Identify three things that we want to accomplish, long term. 19. Why have I chosen you as a potential spouse? 20. How will we keep our marriage thriving?

21. What will both of you do in the case that one of you feels the relationship is stale or strained? 22. Will you both agree to go to counseling if one ever decide not be married to each other? 23. Do both of you think your relationship will change after getting married? 24. What do both you think you will still be in love in thirty or forty years? 25. Will you be faithful to one another, do both of you have the same thought about this? 26. How much knowledge you have about processing marriage documents? 27. Can each of you remember the best and worst part of your parents marriage?

About Mental/ Physical /Relational Health

Mental
1. Do both of you think it is important to know one another's physical and mental health histories? 2. Do both of you suffer from any allergies, chronic disease or condition? 3. Will both of you willingly take a physical exam by a medical physician prior to your marriage? 4. Proper health and nutrition; do both of you place importance about it? 5. How do both of you support your own health and nutrition? 6. Can both of you freely talk about sex? 7. Should both of you talk about sex? 8. Do both of you comfortable discussing your sexual likes and dislikes? 9. Do both of you know your expectations of each others sexual relationship? 10. Is there a gap of intelligence between you and your partner? if yes how wide?

Relational
1. 2. 3. 4. Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. How much law on abuse do you know? How do both of you handle emotional stress? (home, school, work) How will both of you settle disagreements and differences of opinions? What are your fighting styles? 5. How do both of you resolve problems? 6. After the wedding, do both of you think it is necessary to express romantic feelings verbally? 7. After the wedding, do both of you think that you should express affection in public? 8. How both of you would express your admiration for someone that you know now? 9. When someone has you a done a favor and disfavor, how do both of you express each others feelings? 10. How do both of you express your feelings to someone who has hurt you? 11. If both of you wrong each other, how do you apologize?

12. If your partner has wronged you, how do you want him or her apologize to you? 13. How long do you forgive someone or your spouse? 14. How will both of you balance between lifes important and less important decisions? 15. Are use foul languages common in the environment your spouse grew up in?(i.e. family, home, public place) 16. Do either your friends use foul language? 17. Does both of your family use foul language? 18. How do both of you express anger? 19. How do both of you expect your spouse to understand the anger? 20. What do both of you do when you are angry? 21. When do both of you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage? 22. When both of you have disagreements about trivial matters, how should the conflict get resolved? 23. What would either of you do if you felt that you are abused? 24. Would you call the authority for assistance if you were being abused? 25. Can you both forgive? 26. Rate your communication skills; are you willing to improve to have better and clear understanding? 27. How will both of you make decisions together? 28. Do both of you are willing to face the difficult conflicts in marriage and do you try to avoid the problem? 29. Do both of you think you have problems in your relationship that you need to deal with before your wedding? 30. Do either of you know how to handle conflict well? 31. How are both of you different from each other? 32. Do each of you think about your differences will contribute problems in your marriage? 33. Do either of you expect or want each other to change?

Physical
34. Does your partner has any physical disabilities, does it affects you? 35. Are you both healthy? 36. Does both of you like physical sports? 37. Are you hiding any illnesses? 38. Do you vices (smoking, drinking, drug, gambling)? 39. Have you ever hit someone? 40. Do you have a criminal record? 41. What was your childhood like? 42. Do you both really like your body fit? 43. How sure are you accepting how your spouse physical looks? 44. How ready are you when your spouse physical figure changes?

About Medical/End of Life Issues 1. Does your partner has any physical or mental illness, does it affects you? 2. Is one of you or of your immediate family members have any disabilities or other special needs, medical, issues, illnesses, which might affect your marriage life? 3. Are you both healthy? 4. Do you have health insurance? 5. What medical concerns do both of you have or foresee will come up in the in your genes in the future? 6. Do you have religious beliefs that will affect medical decisions? 7. Does your blood type match? 8. How will we handle pregnancy/childbirth/infertility? 9. How do you feel about organ donation? 10. Do you like taking care of a sick person? 11. Do you have ready account or savings for emergency cases?

Religion 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Are you a spiritual person? What spirituality can you offer your spouse? Do both of you think that religion plays an important part in your life? Are both faith and spirituality important in a marriage? What is your image of God? Do you both have the same religious beliefs? If not how will you deal with this? 7. What are you expecting of your spouse with their religious beliefs? 8. Does your family and church dictate whom you are to marry? 9. What role does religion take in both of your life and your spouse? 10. What role will religion take in marriage life? 11. will you raise your children according to you your chosen religion(s) or your spouses? (in case you both belong to different belief) 12. Will your religion play a major role your life after you are married? 13. What type of relationships does either of you want to have with the members of your family that does not adhere to your religious? 14. What is your understanding of your religious marriage? 15. What is your relationship between you and your church community in your area? 16. Are you volunteering in any religious/social/political activities? 17. Will your home be an extension of your church?

About Career and Professional growth 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Do both of you read? What do you both read? Do both of you like learning? Do you see any career goal versus marriage conflict before you? Do I see a good future if I marry you? Do I see my dreams fulfilled if I marry you? How sure and ready are you to give up your career for the sake of your spouse? 7. Can we each freely pursue our own interests? 8. Where do you see your career going? 9. How will we handle unemployment? 10. Are either threatened by your spouse career advancement and success? 11. If either of you lost a job today, what do you think both of you would do? 12. What if either of you had the opportunity to quit your jobs? What would both of you do? 13. Do both of you think you could ever go into business together? 14. How do you want to spend our days off? 15. What are both your expectations about how to spend your free time? 16. What life goals for career, family, or other personal success do both of you share in common? 17. What career goals are either of you having differences? How will both of you work through these differences? How will either of you help each other reaches ones goals? 18. What hobbies do each of you has that will affect the other? 19. Do either of you has ever been convicted or got involved in a crime? 20. Have either of you held jobs? 21. What level of education has each of you received? 22. Do both of you have the same spiritual/political beliefs? 23. How ready are we for a career change to keep our marriage? 24. What differences in customs or opinions might both of you face because of these career goals?

About Location/Relocation 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. Where would both of you like to live? Is it the same with your spouse? How close would you like to stay to family or in-laws? Do you have a plan where to settle permanently? Is there any place you would NOT like to live? How do both of you feel about travelling? Where does both of you see your family growing old together? Are both of you comfortable, if either of you works in another country? Are you both ready for sudden relocation due to work demand? If both of you are not living together, what are you going to do with all of your stuff?

About In-Laws and Relatives 1. 2. 3. 4. Was your family an affectionate one? Do both of your parents met or get acquainted? Do you see possible problems that will with both families? What values do both of you want to bring from your family into your marriage? 5. Do you have some likes and dislikes with your spouses family? 6. Do you have some likes and dislikes with your spouses parents marriage? 7. Do you have some likes and dislikes with your spouses age? 8. Can you rate how is good your relationship with your family? 9. Do you have expectations from your relationship with the family of your spouse? 10. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be? 11. Are both of you comfortable having your in-laws live with you? 12. Will you allow your in-laws to manage your own marriage? 13. Will there be anyone in your family who will live with you? 14. Do both of you think that you will have problems with your family during the holidays? 15. Are you financially dependent or obligated to your in-laws? 16. If, for any reason, either of your relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done? 17. How will both of you make sure you have quality time together? 18. Can your in-laws provide the privacy both of you needed as a separate family? 19. How much time will both of you agreed to spend with your in-laws? 20. Are both of you financially dependent or obligated to your in-laws?

About Resources and Finances 1. Do you have savings account? 2. Will you prefer to have a joint checking account or separate accounts or both? 3. Is a pre-nuptial agreement necessary? 4. Can we talk about money? 5. Do you have standing loan before getting married? 6. Who will be the provider? 7. Do you individually have financial goals or plans? 8. Is there any outstanding fines or debts exist to each of you? 9. What are your future plans for purchasing a home? 10. Do both of you know where your important financial documents are located? 11. What is your definition of wealth? 12. How do you spend money? 13. How do you save money? 14. How much assets do you have (or combined?) 15. Who pays for what? 16. Are you both a saver and spender when it comes to money? 17. How much does each of you owe in debts and what are your assets?

18. How do we handle our paychecks? 19. Can you differentiate want with needs? 20. What are you both expecting from your spouse financially? 21. Does each of you understand your financial responsibilities in the marriage? 22. Have either of you started planning for retirement? What happens if you dont have any? 23. What if either of you or both suddenly get bankrupt? 24. How would you deal with family and money crises? 25. How much debt does each of you have? Is it worth to be into debt? 26. Do you have any idea or skills how you will manage your finances? 27. What will both of you do in the event of sudden loss of income? 28. How will both of you pay your bills, manage accounts, set savings aside, and handle large purchases together. 29. Do you have, weekly, monthly or yearly budget? 30. Can you trace where does your money go? 31. Who will be responsible for making sure that bills are paid on time? 32. Do both of you support the idea of taking loans to buy something either of you desired? 33. Do both of you support the idea of a working wife? 34. If so, how do both of you think a dual-income family should manage funds? 35. Do both of you currently use a budget program to manage your finances? 36. Do you know where to get or have your extra money? How would you spend your savings? 37. Do you use credit cards? Do you really need it? 38. Do both of you consider going for a vacation every year a necessity or a luxury? 39. Will your perception about money change after marriage? 40. Do either of you have any existing debts now? If so, what are your steps in eliminating it? 41. Are there people to whom you are financially responsible to? 42. To whom do you go to for financial assistance?

About Sex and Romances 1. Do you discuss sex topic? 2. Do you know each others likes and dislikes about sex? 3. Do you know some civil laws concerning sex? 4. How often both of you want to have it? 5. Is there anything either of you wont try or do? 6. How do both of you feel about alternative lifestyles? 7. What would either of you like that you both havent done/discussed? 8. How do you both want to grow sexually? 9. Are you both open to discuss previous sexual relationship with your spouse? 10. How open either of you to sexual preference as a human right?

Couples/Friends/Social Interaction 1. What type of relationship do you both want to have with your family or relatives that does not adhere to your culture, and cultural traditions and beliefs? 2. What differences in customs or opinions might both of you face because of culture, traditions and beliefs? 3. Who are your friends that support your marriage? (Identify at least three.) 4. How did both of you get to know your friends? 5. Are your values or beliefs similar to your friends? 6. What do both of you like most about them? 7. Is your circle of friends in good relation your spouses circle of friends? 8. What will be both your relationship with them after marriage be? 9. Do both of you have friends from the opposite sex? Does your spouse welcome them? 10. What level of your relationship with them is acceptable to your spouse? 11. What will be the level of you individual relationship with them after marriage? 12. Do you want your spouse to have a definite level of relationship with all of your friends? 13. Are there things that both of you do differently or similarly during your free time? 14. Are guests welcome in your home for entertainment, does both you love the idea? 15. When your friends come to your house, what either of you expect from each other? 16. What is your honest opinion about speaking other languages in your home that one among you do not understand? (with friends or family) 17. How will each of you handle each other's families and friends? What Holiday customs will each of you need to honor? What boundaries will be set? 18. Do you travel? For what? With whom? 19. How do you personally like spending your vacations with your family? 20. How do both of you think your spouse should spend his or her vacations? 21. Do you think your spouse needs time alone? How much? Why? 22. Do you believe in spouses private space? How much space do you need? 23. What do think about regular greetings to each other? (i.e. after work, when waking up, and when saying goodbye or goodnight) 24. How often do you think your spouse need to hang out with friends? 25. What do both of you agree that you keep private about your marriage? What boundaries do both of you need to set? 26. What gets on your nerves when it comes to friends ______. 27. How would each of you feel if your spouse a night out with his/her friends regularly? 28. Do you have secrets that only you friends know that your spouse have no idea?

About Child Care and Concerns 1. Are you aware of the laws on childs rights? 2. Do you want to have children? 3. How many children do you want? 4. Are you fond of children? 5. Are you patient and kind with kids? 6. Have you both decided how many children do you want to have? 7. How long should you both be married before having children? 8. What will you both do if you can't have kids? 9. What kind of parent do you think you will be? 10. Do you both have the similar parenting philosophy? 11. Will either of you willing to stay home after you have children? 12. Have you agreed on the type of birth control should both of you practice if you desire to postpone or prevent parenthood? 13. How do both of you feel about adopting orphans? 14. Do both of you have any children already? 15. Do both of you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids? 16. Do both of you want to have children? Agree in number of children? 17. To the best of both your understanding, are you able to have children? 18. Should a couple have children in their first two years of marriage? If not, when? 19. Does both of you believe in abortion? 20. What does each of you think is your relationship with your children? 21. What kind of relationship do you have with childrens other parent? 22. What is your expectation with your spouses relationship to the parents of your children? 23. What is your personal view about the best method(s) of raising children? 24. Do both of you believe on one best method(s) of disciplining children? 25. Will how you were raised be similar how you raised your children? 26. Do both of you agree in ways to discipline children? 27. Do you know the laws concerning child abuse? 28. Do both of you agree and believe the same about spanking children? Under what circumstances? 29. Do both of you agree and believe the same about public school for your children? 30. Do both of you agree and believe the same about private school for your children? 31. Are you in favor home schooling for your children? 32. Do you have definite level of relationship you want your children to have with their classmates/friends who differs in religious beliefs from yours? 33. Would allow your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country with different culture and tradition? 34. Do you both have any preferred degree of relationship you want your children to have with all their grandparents?

About Separation and Divorce 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Do you know any civil laws provisions about marriage? What is each your biggest fear about marriage or being married? What does each of you think about divorce or annulment? If you both run into marital problems, how would you handle it? Do you still have any Pandoras box? (i.e. previous failed relationships, past trauma, family addictions, etc.) 6. Do you have a contingency plans in case of separation or annulment? What are your parents or in-laws plan for your future care? 7. How would both of you deal with your exs in your lives? In case this is a second marriage, how do we deal with your ex/our children/my new stepchildren? 8. How would you deal with extended family and the stresses to both of you? 9. How do you both reconcile any differences in culture and traditions? 10. What do you think would be your deal-breakers to your relationship or marriage? 11. Do you know about the laws on child custody? 12. Are you aware of any procedures on marriage litigations?

About House Keeping Responsibilities and Household Chores 1. Do you like household chores? 2. How much housekeeping skills do you know? 3. Will you clean the toilet? 4. Will you regularly take the trash out? 5. Have you both agreed how the household chores be divided between you? 6. Who will do the laundry? 7. Who will iron the clothes? 8. Who will cook? 9. Who go to market? 10. Who will wash the dishes? 11. Who will clean the house? 12. How do we split up chores? 13. How we will handle holidays? 14. Who will make the milk in the middle of the night? 15. Who will change the diaper? 16. Should working spouse be exempted from housekeeping responsibilities? 17. Should we have house helpers or housemaid? 18. Who will manage the remote control? 19. Who will make the household chores schedule? 20. Who will wake up at night and change the babys diaper? 21. Who will wake up at night to make the bottle infant milk? 22. Who will send the toddlers to the nursery/school?

These 330 questions confront some ignored vital marital issues during the stage of courtship, engagement and pre-wedding. These questions seek to decrease the possibilities of marital conflicts at the start. This is a preventive measure to ensure a well deserved partnership. Once the couple ignored any unknown information about his/her partner, these unresolved issues will haunt both at the early post-wedding stage. Any unresolved issues starts to destroy the marriage like the rust on the iron. Experienced couples will always say, It is never a guarantee that marriage is conflict-free, but lesser conflict is a marriage heaven-made.

marvin a marcelino