THE HARVARD-YALE

GAME
A LisT of ALL THE
HoT YALE GiRLs
pg 46
kATiE AnD suRi
sPoTTED AT THE GAME!
pictures on pg 51
Q&A wiTH coAcHinG LEGEnD
jERRY sAnDuskY
pg 42
99 bEsT
sEx PosiTions
wiTH A fooTbALL HELMET
pg 38
officiAL GAME PRoGRAM
THE GAME
4
Harvard football players are universally mocked outside
of Cambridge for being too soft. Harvard football players
are universally mocked within Cambridge for being too
stupid. I want to change that. I want to bring pride back to
the Harvard football team so that the players dont have
to worry about being mocked behind their backs, their
enormous ogre backs.
Thats why, in an effort to revitalize the football program,
Harvard has fnalized plans to turn historic Harvard
Stadium into a world-class destination in the world of
sports.
A forty million dollar retractable roof to protect the
empty seats
To improve game speed, the Star-Spangled-Banner,
player introductions, and the moment of silence will be
performed simultaneously.
Cement benches adorned with seat cushions. Seat
cushions double as a fotation device.
Hot dog vendors walking the stands are replaced
with sushi vendors. Walking the stands is replaced by
escalators.
To uphold new effciency standards, group locker
room shower is replaced by group locker room bath.
New public announcer FOX Broadcast Analyst Joe
Buck
Cup holders!!!
In order to make these and the rest of the Allston renovation
project we rely on two things: fnancial support of alumni
and cutting fnancial aid.
So Crimson fans, enjoy sitting for three hours in that
cement shithole known as Harvard Stadium. Cant wait
to see you back for the 2014 HY game at the Faust-o-
Dome.
Sincerely,
Drew Faust
Drew Faust
HARVARD YARDAGE: Harvard has won The Game 55 more times than #1 BCS ranked Alabama.
A twenty-foot Bud-Light-Jumbotron in the North
End Zone to display highlights during games and
C++ code when Computer Science 50 is moved to
the stadium.
Luxury boxes start at $15,000. Ammenities include
wine, breadsticks, and guaranteed acceptance to
Harvard for frst born child.
JP Morgan Endzone. Please visit JPMorgan.com
for more information.
A LETTER fRoM cRiMsons #1 fAn: DREw fAusT
Harvard Yale 2012
5
RONdeJEREMY_Lampoon.indd 1 5.11.2012 18.04
THE GAME
8
A MEssAGE fRoM coAcH MuRPHY To THE PLAYERs
Listen guys, win or lose today, Im proud of
you. You worked your butts off all season.
Now theres just more one thing I, as head
coach, have to tell you: the eighteenth
amendment to the U.S. constitution was
the only one to be repealed in our countrys
history.
I know my advice is sometimes oblique. What
the hells coach Murphy on about? you ask
yourselves when I try to explain multi-cellular
division in terms of a 4-3 defense. But I need
you to trust me now, just like you trust me on
the feld: If anyone should ask you, in written
or verbal form, what President is associated
with the gold standard, you say McKinley.
You say McKinley every time.
Id do anything for you guys. Because were
family. Sometimes family means paying out
of your own pocket for Javarrius to get a forearm tattoo of a completed Scantron, but designed to look
like a gang thing. Sometimes it means helping your guys choose classes with the fewest TFs, whatever
those are.
But Ill tell you what family always means. It means being there. It means hiring the best trainers to heal
your wounds, and fnding the Asianest students for you to sit behind. It means screaming when you
mess up, cheering when you succeed, and coughing when youre about to bubble in B for question 34
on the Natural Disasters midterm. And it means reassuring your quarterback that, no matter what the
defense throws at you, the Russian Revolution always happened in 1917.
buLLDoGs
DonT sMokE
Paid for by
The Yale committee on student Health
HARVARD YARDAGE: This year The Game will be played on a 129-yard feld to honor the 129th anniversary of the
game.
Harvard Yale 2012
9
Press Conference Transcript:
Yale Backup QB Jeffrey Blatt:
Friends, families, reporters, or whoever you may happen to be in that ChatRoullete.com Video
Window; thank you for joining me here today.
Due to unfortunate circumstances, Rhodes Scholarship interviews have been scheduled at the same
time as The Game. After great thought, I have decided I cannot let my teammates down. I am skipping
my interview, thereby forfeiting my chances at the prestigious scholarship, in order to play back-up
quarterback against Harvard.
This was not an easy decision. My parents wanted me to skip the game. My girlfriend urged me to
skip the game as well. My coach begged me to skip the game. My teammates circulated a petition which
would have forced me to skip the game.
The only people who told me to play in The Game were the Rhodes Scholarship interviewers, who
said You should play in the game. We have no record of you ever being nominated for the scholarship.
In the end, I knew the decision to play in the game was the right one. I have responsibilities to
my teammates, mostly getting them water and yelling great hustle for 60 minutes. Anybody can be a
Rhodes Scholar but only I can avoid a warrant for my arrest by leaving the state for the weekend. Go Y
beat H.
YALE sEconD-sTRinG Qb
To skiP RHoDEs scHoLARsHiP inTERViEw
To PLAY bAckuP in THE GAME
fooTbALL DEfiniTions
Spectators,
To avoid the confusion historically associated with the Harvard-Yale Game, the editors of The Game
Program provide you with the following list of defnitions to better understand the thing you are watching
right now.
sPoRT A recreational activity in which athletes
(strong men) run around and/or jump for a
specifed period of time.
fooTbALL 1. A type of sport (see above)
involving shoulder pads, a well-maintained lawn,
and an inebriated local audience who would
otherwise be doing nothing socially productive. 2.
A ball used in the sport of football.
coAcH An old man with a gruff voice, Christian
values, and sage-like wisdom, who would
otherwise be doing nothing socially productive;
an American sensei.
PLAYER A young man with a gruff voice, Christian
values, and a body that could incapacitate any
coach or sage..
ToucHDown A good thing for your team to
get.
fiELD GoAL Not as good as a touchdown but
still pretty cool to watch.
sAfETY It never happens, but in theory, this is
also a good thing for your team to get.
fAns - Thats you, spectators!
HARVARD YARDAGE: 90% of Yales preparation for The Game involved flming a Call Me Maybe parody video.
THE GAME
10
YALEs PAssinG,
sExuAL AssAuLT nuMbERs
Down THis sEAson
Although Yale Quarterback Eric
Williams is off to a laudable start this
year, he has not been able to match
his predecessor, star QB Patrick Witt,
who fnished the 2011 season with
new records in both number of passes
and sexual assaults completed.
Witt was a master of the play-
action pass and unrecorded sexual
assault, renowned for avoiding the
grasp of pass-rushers and criminal
investigators. Theres a fne line
between rape and love, explains
cheerleader Stacy DeMille, but just
like the line of scrimmage, Witt did a
great job of blurring it.
HARVARD fooTbALL PLAYER DAiLY DiET
bREAkfAsT
14 Grilled Chickens
4 Powerades
LuncH
14 Grilled Chickens
4 Powerades
DinnER
14 Grilled Chickens
4 Powerades
HARVARD YARDAGE: If you hear Harvard Quarterback Michael Pruneau shouting things like Blue 42 before every play,
do not laugh and point. He has fnally mastered the concepts of colors and numbers, and he is very proud of himself.
Harvard Yale 2012
11
H-Y Q&A
by Billy Natow
Yesterday, I caught up with linebacker Sean
Thomas, the frst openly gay football player to ever
wear the Harvard uniform. Heres the exclusive
interview!
billy natow: Talk about a great season! 18
interceptions? And 4.3 sacks a game?!? sean,
how does it feel?
Sean Thomas: It feels great.
i bet it does. And coupled with that whole
coming-out-publicly-to-your-teammates- and-
the- greater-Harvard-community thing. Youre
an inspiration to all Harvard LGbT students.
What?
Gay and a star athlete! Really, youre amazing.
IIm not gay.
Thats not what your teammates have been
saying! Especially not after they heard what
you and that painter were doing behind the
Leverett Towers.
Youyou told them about that?
in fact, im talking with coach Murphy about it
right after this.
Dear God, please dont tell him about that.
sean, youre making history! A gay footballer!
Amazing!
Coach Murphy, hehe doesnt take well to gays.
Yes, hes quite the eccentric, isnt he?
Defensive tackle Matt Lunati 15
didnt want us to tell you this,
but its his birthday today!!!
He didnt want us to tell you because
hes actually a 34-year-old convicted felon.
HARVARD YARDAGE: Yale cheerleader Amy Pullman is not wearing any underwear and really hopes that nobody
notices. Yale band leader Martine Figgle is also not wearing any underwear and is determined to make everyone notice.
ToMMY LEE jonEs
on His TiME As A
HARVARD fooTbALL PLAYER
I remember when I was asked to play offensive
guard. My goal in acting has always been to play
exclusively police offcers and sheriffs but when
you start out you cant always pick your roles.
Our shows were every Saturday in this really
cool circular theatre. I was always impressed how
devoted the other performers were to character
acting, virtually never breaking from the juvenile
boneheads they played over the course of four
years.
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I Spy Challenge!
Te photo below of the 1908 Harvard Football team has been altered in 15 places! Can you spot them all?
Original Photo of the 1908 Harvard Football Team Edited Photo of the 1908 Harvard Football Team
THE GAME
14
concussions: A REAL PRobLEM in coLLEGE fooTbALL
By John A. Assad, Ph.D.
If youre a football fan, you
will probably enjoy watching a
Yalie get his head clobbered in
from a Harvard football player
at this years The Game.
However, as a professor
of neurobiology at Harvard
Medical School, Im here to
discuss the dangers of helmet-
to-helmet contact in college
football.
Average brain of student. Average brain of
concussed football player.
Players have gotten bigger and stronger while heads have remained roughly the same size. I have seen
several student-athletes crumple like paper dolls after neck injuries as the other team goes the other way
for six. Not only is it tragic to watch a young man become paralyzed with my own two eyes, I have to stand
around for 20 minutes before they fgure out how to drag the body off the feld.
Harvard students often ask me, Why should we protect these already brain-dead, non-contributing members
of our society? My response: not only are they the epitome of school spirit, they lower the grading curve for
the rest of you.
Sure, we could ban the game of football - but then we would be giving up the tradition of 6000 students going
to one game every other year. Since my research into head trauma depends on it, I say we keep football at
Harvard. These are good kids. They might be a little dumber than most but a 570 verbal on the SAT is pretty
damn good when your brain is functioning at 80% capacity.
I urge everyone to hope and pray for the players safety. We may hate the Bulldogs but only newborns should
have soft skulls. Next time you cheer for a hard hit, remember that player may be wearing a helmet for the
rest of his life. Not because hes been knocked into mental retardation but because Ive invented an ultra-
comfy helmet he will never want to take off.
buLLDoGs
DonT bLAZE
Paid for by
The Yale committee on
student Health
H-Y TRViA
Did you know that .....???
The game dates back to a
cold November day in 1875,
when a 95-poud English
bulldog spent an hour trying
to fght a shade of red.
HARVARD YARDAGE: Historically a Harvard football player is more likely to become a nun after college than a profes-
sional football player.
Harvard Yale 2012
15
HAnDsoME DAn
The Yale bulldog at todays game is called
Handsome Dan, named after the prettiest
cheerleader on the 1889 squad. It was the frst
live mascot in college sports as well as the frst
mascot to be neutered. To date there have been
17 Handsome Dans, one that lived to be 100 years
old and fourteen that didnt survive the frigid 1989
season. Handsome Dan is known to bark when
Yale scores, growl when Harvard scores, and shit
uncontrollably after pass interference penalties.
MiT PRAnks
Harvard-Yale games are often remembered not only for the match itself, but also for the
cheeky pranks pulled by MIT. A brief history:
1979 - MIT students dismantle and reassemble a Ford Mustang atop Memorial Church, along with the
two Yale students driving it.
1982 - A bomb squad is called after an enormous black weather balloon infates in the middle of the feld,
diverting attention from the four actual bombs placed in Harvards locker room.
1988 - A trio of cows numbered 1, 2, and 4 are released onto the feld, causing offcials to search
fruitlessly for a cure to the bioengineered ebola they carried.
2001 - MIT pranksters replace the Harvard Marching Bands sheet music with an EMP capable of
resetting the credit information of all major banks.
2008 - MIT students paint the word FARTS somewhere. Somewhere bad.
HARVARD YARDAGE: The longest recorded butt-slap in The Game history was performed by Frankie Chitters 87 and
lasted a whopping 23 minutes.
THE GAME
16
At todays The Game you may see a costumed
person running around the endzone and harassing
the cheerleaders. Next to this drunk student will be
the mascot of Harvard, the John Harvard pilgrim,
leading the student section in cheers that nobody
knows. While it may be endearing, the pilgrim is
a racist caricature and a Harvard tradition that
must be discontinued, much like the pre-1960s
Harvard tradition of going to football games in the
frst place.
It is unacceptable that the Harvard Crimson is
mentioned in the same breath as The Cleveland
Indians, the Washington Redskins, and the Kansas
City Flyin Jews. While a rich, Protestant, white
man may encapsulate Harvard quite succinctly,
the John Harvard mascot continues to do more
harm than good. We here at the Crimson believe
that if Harvard abolishes its insensitive mascot, it
will fnally shed its image as the laughing stock of
the sports world.
cRiMson EDiToRiAL:
HARVARD MAscoT: RAcisT?
by Max Kidd
Today Harvard will forgo wearing black shoes,
instead opting for dark grey in honor of
defensive lineman Andrew Wilkinson
whos fghting testicular cancer or something.
If you would like to join the fght against
testicular cancer or something
wear dark grey more often.
John Harvard (center) makes his racist face,
the only one his costume allows.
**REcoRD ALERT**
If QB Colton Chapple passes for 16,000 yards
today he will be the NCAA all-time passing
leader.
HARVARD YARDAGE: Only players can be called for pass interference so feel free to really fuck with these people.
Harvard Yale 2012
17
ATTEnTion fooTbALL DADs:
Want your kid to grow up to be a
husky, concussed hero among men?
Had enough of that stuffed dolphin
bullshit? FOOTBALL BABIES is a
new learningtainment device for your
newborn that teaches your little dude
practical football technique and builds
serious baby muscle.
Its simple. Toss your baby in the chute
so hes inside this cardboard box part
here. This is where hell spend the next
seven hours. What we do is simple:
launch fve full-sized footballs per
minute at your baby.
Is your little one is wailing into his
mommys breasts after his soft, buttery skull collided with that long pass aimed at his neck? Give him
some sniffng salts and send him back in there. He has learned a lesson about how pain works.
So throw away that Baby Einstein kit because no one wants to be cheering their next 18 years cheering
at Spelling Bees. Buy FOOTBALL BABIES today!
buLLDoGs
DonT snoRT
Paid for by
The Yale committee on student Health
CAL NATURALE
Look AT ME now!
HARVARD YARDAGE: New Yale coach Tony Reno is a big hit with the cheerleaders: Every quarter hell come up to us
and say I am not picturing you naked right now.
THE GAME
18
REPLAcEMEnT REfEREEs wELcoMED bAck To THE GAME
Competitors and fans alike were
delighted last month when it
became clear that their beloved NFL
replacement refs would be available to
offciate at The Game this year.
When the replacement refs were
called up to serve in the professional
league during a labor dispute this
September, Harvard was forced to turn
to legitimately competent referees to
offciate their games. It soon became
clear that these referees believed that
Ivy League football actually resembled
real sports, bewildering players and
random passers-by.
Those guys were calling everything, shouted running back Treavor Scales, 13. Did you know theres
a line of scrimmage? How the hell do they expect us to run when the defense is literally lined up in front
of us?
Coach Murphy and his team were already drawing up emergency backup plans, such as actually playing
football sober and learning the rules, but many players pointed out that the real victims here may have
actually been the new referees.
It was just sad to see them. They would make a call and then gesture wildly to the stands, defensive
end Danny Frate, 14, brayed sympathetically. It was as though they actually thought there would be
somebody watching.
Replacement referees reach fnal decision on penalty by
comparing penis sizes.
GET To know An AssisTAnT coAcH
Defensive Coordinator Randy Barnes starts every day the same way, by
typing titties shaped like footballs into Google and hoping for the best.
HARVARD YARDAGE: Wide receiver Cory Briggs has had sex with every member of the womens lacrosse team and he
feels like none of his teammates give him credit for this.
Harvard Yale 2012
19
Footballs is a great college activity. Here are some others: kicking back with buddies, swimming for an
appropriate amount of time, telling the barista you just want plain hot water, and turning in your library
book before it is due.
Sometimes, I worry that college teens of today have started liking more dangerous things. Maybe you
like doing handstands on hard surfaces or leaning backwards in your chairs. Many of you are still awake
beyond 11pm. And I assume you all think vomit is cool.
Today you may be tempted to celebrate Harvards win or mourn her loss by having sex with multiple
partners, passing marijuana around, or mooning your Yale peers. But let me tell you: I did not spend
thirteen years in the Monastery for Aspiring Deans to have to watch some flthy sex pile in the Winthrop
JCR.
Yours,
David R. Friedrich
David R. Friedrich
Interim Associate Dean of Student Life
A MEssAGE fRoM DAViD R. fRiEDRicH,
inTERiM AssociATE DEAn of sTuDEnT LifE
PLAYER inAcTiVEs
The following players have been deactivated from todays roster
YALE
Daniel Quinn, LB - Torn ACL
Timothy Lemley, QB-Government 1310
Kevin Burrow, RB-Government 1310
Johnny McPeak, RB-Government 1310
Rodney Davis, RB-Government 1310
Harry Jean, WR-Government 1310
Bryan Minter, WR-Government 1310
Timothy Slater, WR-Government 1310
Richard Dugger, WR- Government 1310
Frank Deckard, TE-Government 1310
Larry Corcoran, TE-Government 1310
Roy Feller, C-Government 1310
George Shipman, C-Government 1310
Aaron Hedge, G-Government 1310
George Johnson, G-Government 1310
Danny Dash, OT - Government 1310
Justin McKevlin, OT-Government 1310
Kenneth Prescott, OT-Government 1310
Phillip Sterling, DE-Government 1310
Ronald Emery, DE - Government 1310
John Sanborn, DE -Government 1310
Brian Deberry, DE-Government 1310
Ralph Baldwin, DE-Government 1310
Anthony Tubbs, DT-Government 1310
James Whitt, DT-Government 1310
Henry Cuomo, DT-Government 1310
Jeff Knudsen, LB-Government 1310
Willie Dunkin, LB-Government 1310
Walter Sparrow, LB- Government 1310
Earl Adkinson, LB-Government 1310
James Worthen, CB-Government 1310
Keith Staub, CB-Government 1310
Tony Hyatt, CB-Government 1310
Mike Poole, S-Government 1310
Steve Telles, S-Government 1310
Scott Inman, S - Government 1310
Edward Leister, S-Government 1310
Jeff Bazen, K - Government 1310
Matthwew Cress, P -Government 1310
HARVARD
HARVARD YARDAGE: This year the Yale Tailgate Committee plans on having exactly zero tragedies.
THE GAME
20
sYnoPsis of fiLMs 2-5 of THE cHAiRbuD QuinTiLoGY
chair bud: off the bench
While accompanying his sitter Benny to the 1985 Indiana-Purdue game, Bobby Knight throws
Chair Bud across the court in a fury after his team is given a technical. To everyones shock, this
counts as an offcial substitution, and Chair Bud goes onto score 10 points (just 10 rebounds
and assists short of a triple-double). Newly inspired, Gene Hackman takes over as coach and
leads the Hoosiers to the big title.
chair bud: five-wood out of the bunker
When movers unload the belongings of the grandmother of Hockey-player-turned-furniture Chair
Bud, they are shocked to learn they are dealing with a special chair when they spontaneously
given him a golf club and things go well. With a little help from groundskeeper Bill Murray, Chair
Bud and his sitter Benny lead America to the Ryders Cup, where Bagger Vance shows them
how to win the big title.
chair bud: unseating the Referee
During a Wimbledon diffcult-surface match between Roger Federer and the Williams Sisters,
Chair Bud helps the referee make a challenging call concerning the tennis ball. But to everyones
shock, Chair Bud doesnt just know where the lines are -- he can hold court inside them too.
Teaming up with John McEnroe as his sitter Benny watches from the grandstands, Chair Bud
defeats Federer and the Williams sisters by a love set to take home the big title.
chair bud: The underchair story
Unlike his couch potato sitter Benny, Chair Bud seems to be having a normal Sunday Mass
at Notre Dame when Rudy is horribly crippled by Peyton Manning and Chair Bud is the only
underchair left. Proving to everyones shock that hes the best chair in the football house,
Chair Bud gets Sandra Bullock an Oscar, quenches Adam Sandlers thirst and wins one for the
Gipper -- the big title.
HARVARD in THE nfL
Current NFL players and former Harvard students discuss
how Harvard prepared them for professional football.
Matt Birk, OL, Baltimore Ravens: My connections at
Harvard got me my job in pro football. Coach Murphy knows
a bunch of NFL coaches and Ray Lewis was in the Delphic
so obviously theyre gonna recruit one of their own.
Desmond Bryant, DT, Oakland Raiders: The Offce of Career
Services offers fantastic support through their on-campus
recruiting, My senior year I had fnal round interviews with
six companies and ended up getting offers from Morgan
Stanley, Deutsche Bank, and the Oakland Raiders
Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB, Buffalo Bills: A lot of NFL teams were
excited that I did well on the Wonderlic intelligence test that
they give to all players in the draft, but what really set me
apart was my perfect LSAT score.
Congratulations
on joining
the 50 games attended Club
Marv Hankeron
STadIum JanITOr
HARVARD YARDAGE: Someone in this stadium is probably masturbating right now, and theres nothing anybody can do
about it.
Harvard Yale 2012
21
sPEciAL TEAMs sPoTLiGHT
Dont be fooled by their lack of athleticism. Special teams players are some of the most important on the
team, right after the offensive and defensive starters. We interviewed the Crimsons top special teams
players on what it means to be an overlooked part of the squad.
#37 David Mothander, Kicker: Usually Im just sitting on the bench, flling Gatorade cups, drinking
Gatorade cups, throwing Gatorade cups in the trash, taking out the trash and changing the bag when
Coach Murphy yells at me.
#42 Jacob Dombrowski, Punter: Sometimes I have good days ands sometimes I have bad days, but I
always get to leave practice an hour early.
#82 Tyler Ott, Long Snapper: Most of the linemen give me shit because Im only 240 pounds but Im
getting a world-class education to throw a ball through my legs, so Im fne with it.
#11 Michael Pruneau, Placeholder: When I tell people Im a special player, they think Im mentally
handicapped like the rest of the squad. After I tell them no, Im a special teams player, they just think I
suck at football.
BULLDOGS DO LSD
Paid for by
The LsD Association of America
HARVARD YARDAGE: At this point in the season Yale is playing for pride because of QB Eric Williams self-esteem
issues.
What? This was a parody program? Omg I didnt realize that until I saw the masthead hahaha lol wow haha lol you got me good this time Lampoon.
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BoARD oF eDiToRS
J. M. Harel-Cohen 13
L. A. Sassoon 13
A.P. F. Karn 13
T. B. Faux 13
S. L. Sansovich 13
G. K. B. Brinkley 14
O. T. Tikolo 14
elmer W. Green, 1897-1977, Grand Curator
november 2012 The Game
ART & LAYouT eDiToR
Meryl F. natow
MVP: JDH
All-Stars:
BAS, eRB, PHM, nL,
WDG, eWvS, KCR,KAe
BHB would like to thank all his
buds at 44 Bow, his friends in
572, and Bobby Samuels.
Jester, Ibis, Blot Blatt
Ibis: What the hell Blatt, you said you werent
going to do a Jester-Ibis-Blot! Tey are the one
part of a Lampoon issue literally no one will ever
read and it turns the reader of.
Blatt: Im not. Tis is a Jester-Ibis-Blatt. Its 10
times better.
Jester: I dont see how this is any diferent. Im
already tired reading this tiny font.
Blatt: But Jester-Ibis-Blatts are exciting! Lots of
stories about playing for an nFL team, crashing
cars, and hopping on tables.
Ibis: Tis is still like a regular Jester-Ibis-Blot, just
a bunch of lame in-jokes only people on staf will
understand.
Blatt: Can you be a good sport about this Ibis? Be
like me, Im the best sport.
Jester: Cmon Blatt, I agree with Ibis. Lets cut this
from the issue.
Blatt: You know what Jester? How about I cut you
from this Jester-Ibis-Blatt!
Ibis: You cant do that!
Blatt:and Ill cut you too Ibis. Tis is no longer
a Jester-Ibis-Blatt. Tis is now a Blatt-Blatt-Blatt.
Blatt:Wow, great call Blatt. Its so much better
now.
Blatt: Yeah, this feels perfect.
MFN thanks a Rubin, The
Harvard Lampoons number
one fan!!!!!!!!!
Credits
Yales Passing-ERB
Defnitions-WDG
Harvard in the NFL-JDH
Handsome Dan-JDH
MIT Pranks-RAK
Racist Mascot-JDH
Friedrich-EWvS
Football Dads-EWvS
Referees-BAS
Message from Coach-JOM
Special Teams-JDH
Concussions-JDH
HY Q and A-WDG
Bulldogs Dont Smoke Art-NL
Blatt Thank You Art-PHM
Handsome Dan Art-KCR
All Photoshops-MFN
THE GAME
24
EnTiRE HARVARD coMMuniTY EnDoRsEs
bobbY sAMuELs
foR cRiMson PREsiDEnT
As expected, the Harvard community announced today that Robert S. Samuels 14 is the clear
and obvious choice to serve as the next President of the Harvard Crimson, a popular campus
newsletter. Today we play The Game, says Coach Tim Murphy, but even Yale agrees that
Robert S. should be the winner.
Current president E. Benjamin Samuels, has yet to endorse a candidate. Sitting in an offce
chair, he explains that Its like mom always says: Theres a Cool Samuels Brother, and Im
sorry, E. Benjamin, but its not you.
Other top candidates include JJ Shpall 15, also of the Sports Board, from where all of the
Crimsons presidents are pulled.
Even the Lampoon, a semi-Sorrento humor square that occasionally published a so-called
secret, has decided to formally endorse Robert S., the frst time it has backed a Crimson
candidate in its twenty-six year history. Robert S. is an all-star, explains Lampoon artist Eric H.
Hajdin 14. Id never even met an all-star before.
Bobby Samuels (center) rejoices his imminent election as President of The Harvard Crimson.
HARVARD YARDAGE: For every Harvard-Yale Game, there are approximately 9 other Harvard football games that
people dont give a shit about.
Harvard Yale 2012
25
INTRODUCING..........
The Game: The Game
**FEATURES**
Choose to play as up to two different teams.
Pick your era: pre-forward pass (pre-1906) or forward pass era (post-1906).
Play as your favorite Harvard or Yale legends: Tommy Lee Jones.
Realistic Game Conditions: empty stadiums, shitty weather, no re-entry.
Max throwing range: 20 yards.
Player Career Mode: Go from Boarding School to Harvard Football Recruit to
Bain Consulting Associate.
Referees dont give a shit.
Forty to ffty percent of fans do not know where they are.
Includes two plays: run and incomplete pass.
The Game: The Game
is presented by
*
*Note: Game-o-rade is not
affliated with Gatorade,
The Game, or lightening.
HARVARD YARDAGE: In a recent Crimson interview, cheerleading captain Jasmine Bolton revealed that she does not
view cheerleading as necessarily demeaning or stupid.
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