ISSUE 1 SPRING 2005 NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN

!!!!!GJSTU!GBUVPVT!!JTTVF!

Copyright 2005 The

Dog’s Egg/Fred the http://thedogsegg.freestarthost.com
Head Productions
 CONTRIBUTORS WANTED
The Dog’s Egg needs YOU!
If you can draw the kind of cartoons or write the
kind of articles that you think may be suitable for
these pages, then contact chris@thedogsegg.co.uk
and your work could be in the next issue of this
illustrious pile of shite!

FEEDBACK WELCOME
What did you enjoy/hate about this magazine? Tell
us and we’ll listen. Next time it will be better, we
promise. It might even be funny.
Contact chris@thedogsegg.co.uk and tell us what
you think.
http://thedogsegg.freestarthost.com
THE DOG’S EGG No.1
SPRING 2005

2005 The Dog’s Egg/

Fred the head produc-
tions.

This magazine is
free to reproduce
and pass along, as
long as it remains
intact. i.e. don’t nick bits
without asking nicely first. A
pox be upon those who at-
tempt to defy us, may their
genitals turn brown and fall
off.

All correspondence to:

editor@thedogsegg.co.uk

Before you complain, please

bear in mind that this publi-
cation is FREE…

Oh fuck - Jehovah’s Fitnesses!

2
3
Moyles’s
ADVERTISEMENT

Full Moon
Last night it emerged that
Radio 1 celebrity salad-
dodger Chris Moyles has
become so enormous that
his gravitational field has
caused an individual pork
pie to begin orbiting him.
The pie is believed to
complete its orbit in ap-
proximately four and a
half minutes.

Chris’s sidekick, ‘Comedy

Moyles: Salad Dodger
Dave’ explains what hap-
pened: to touch it.The combina-
tion of steak, kidney, suet
‘We were at a celebrity and Carol Vorderman was
party to celebrate the com- just too much for him. I
Advertisement paid for by the Methylated Spirit
pletion of the world’s could see him drooling, manufacturers association of Great Britain. British
largest steak and kidney but before I realised what Government guidelines recommend that tramps
pudding. Everything was was about to happen, he drink no more than two bottles of meths a day.
going well, and Chris was was already beyond my
simply grazing on the grasp.’
finger buffet that had been as Moyles lunged for the pearing up his own arse.
provided, and enjoying a What happened next is 378kg pudding, and after Some commentators be-
few glasses of champagne. common knowledge, shoving an unsuspecting lieve this has already hap-
Nothing seemed amiss. caught on TV cameras and Vorderman to the floor, pened.
shown around the globe. swallowed the pudding in
‘Then the announcement Onlookers watched aghast When asked for comment,
only two or three bites.
came that they were the team responsible for
about to unveil the pud- Comedy Dave takes up the manufacture of the
ding, and we all gathered the story again: pudding said it was very
around the stage. The disappointing, as the pud-
buzz of excitement was ‘The party was fairly sub- ding had not been offi-
incredible- we all knew dued after that, I can tell cially weighed, and as
that we had defeated you. After about half an such will not count for the
France’s record attempt, hour, people started to record. They have vowed
and we were all feeling leave, so we decided to go to try again.
pretty proud to be British too. It was as we passed
as the curtains swished the buffet table that Carol Vorderman said she
open to unveil the pud- Chris’s increased gravita- was ‘Very embarrassed.’
ding, with Carol Vorder- tional effects lifted up the
man posing seductively pork pie and it’s been or- When we interviewed
on top. biting him ever since.’ Chris Moyles about the
incident, he had a mouth-
‘I don’t think Chris Doctors have warned ful of cake, and declined
could help himself. It was Vorderman and pud- Moyles that if he gets any- to comment.
like putting a big bag of ding, moments before more massive, he will
heroin in front of an ad- the incident begin to collapse in on
dict and expecting him not himself, eventually disap-

4
5
HOW TO SPOT A
COMMIE PINKO’
By Guest Columnist
GEORGE W. BUSH

Is your neighbour a communist? Are you con- 8. RECYCLES his TRASH.

cerned he might corrupt your family with his 9. DOES NOT have STARS AND STRIPES on
Marxist philosophy? Worry no longer as display outside his home.
George W. Bush gives tips and advice on how 10. Is named IVAN or BORIS.
to spot that ‘Red under the bed’…

Ten signs to watch out for:

1. Has LONG HAIR.

2. Is a VEGETARIAN.
3. OPPOSES war in IRAQ. REMEMBER– COMMUNISTS ARE A
4. Drives a NON-US made CAR. THREAT TO OUR LIBERTY. REPORT
5. DOES NOT go to church EVERY SUNDAY. THEM TO YOUR LOCAL POLICE DE-
6. VOTED DEMOCRAT at the last election. PARTMENT IMMEDIATELY!
7. Speaks a FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

6
OUTFOXING
you see the future of fox-
hunting.’ he said, proudly
gesturing at the huge
weapon of mass destruc-
lity of the English coun-
tryside, then the horizon
was lit with a magnificent

THE BAN
tion.

I requested a demonstra-
tion, and Sir Nicholas
The recent motions in was only to glad to
the houses of parlia- ‘Despite the gallant efforts oblige. A word with the
ment to outlaw hunt- of the Countryside alli- missile’s ground crew
ing with hounds have ance, it seems that our (dressed in their tradi-
caused some divi- noble sport in its present tional red uniforms) and Mushroom: the future?
sions in Fox hunting form is doomed,’ he said. a target was soon ac-
circles. ‘They have managed a quired. The crew quickly nuclear flower which
temporary stay of execu- went to work, making last mushroomed into the sky,
On one hand, there are tion for us, but in the end minute adjustments. and I was blinded as the
those in the blood-sport those left-wing loonies in flash seared my retinas.
community ‘Only a rabbit I’m afraid,
who are twenty-seven miles away. ‘That’s the last time that
petitioning Our spotter planes have buck-toothed twat will
government been unable to find a fox. steal lettuces from Mister
in order to The crew will reduce the McGregor’s garden!’ he
preserve payload considerably. The shouted in triumph.
their cho- fox, being the evil ginger
sen sport in cunt that he is, requires at So, is this the future of
its tradi- least five megatons to traditional countryside
tional form. stop. Rabbits, being less pursuits, or will other
hardy can be stopped with methods find favour in the
On the Foxes: Ginger cunts as little as forty kilotons. blood-sport community at
other hand, Ah, I think they’re ready.’ large? Is it morally correct
there are those who are Parliament will win. They for man to hunt furry ani-
willing to make changes always do. A brief countdown fol- mals with thermonuclear
in order to continue, turn- ‘We are not the type of lowed before the awesome devices, or should they
ing to such pursuits as people who will simply power of the deafening stick with traditional ex-
drag hunting and auto- roll over and play dead in rocket engines lifted the plosives? These are all
eroticism in order to get the face of these mad- missile into the sky on a arguments that may take
their kicks. On a third, men’s attempt to destroy column of flame, and it some time to settle, as the
brand-new hand, there are our way of life. We have disappeared rapidly from countryside undergoes its
the newly emerging mili- been expecting these view. biggest upheaval in centu-
tant hunters, moves for ries. For now, The Dog’s
who are some There was a moment or Egg leaves you, it’s read-
adopting time, and two to savour the tranquil- ers, to decide...
more ex- have set
treme forms about de-

FREE PINT
of their fa- vising
vourite pas- new ways
time. of hunting
Samantha Fox: Not that are FOR EVERY READER!
I recently relevant to this story allowable
attended a within the TO THE READER: This coupon entitles you to one free
pint of beer at any participating outlet. To find your nearest
meeting of the Quim- new legislation.’ outlet, simply go to the bar of any pub and ask if they are
thorpe hunt in a field in participating.
Berkshire, to find out just He headed towards a TO THE RETAILER: Should you be foolish enough to
what was going on. Sir spinney, and gestured that accept this coupon as payment for beer, please note that
the price of the pint of beer will not be refunded upon re-
Nicholas Dryhump, the I follow him. turn of this coupon to the issuer.
master of the hunt, was I was stunned by what I DISCLAIMER: Neither The Dog’s Egg nor Fred the Head
only too pleased to outline saw in the trees, a massive productions will accept any responsibility for injuries re-
their reasoning : launching gantry for a ceived while attempting to redeem this voucher.
Cash value of coupon: £o.ooooooooop
ballistic missile. ‘Here

7
8
20 AMAZING FACTS 17. Until planets have been visited
by a human being, they are offi-

ABOUT THE SOLAR

cially the property of Britain’s
reigning monarch.

SYSTEM 18. Mars is not only one of the nine

planets, but is also the name of a
popular chocolate bar.
Have you ever wondered what the Solar System is
19. Like Snickers.
all about? Always wanted to know more? Here’s
your chance to impress your friends down the pub 20. Which used to be called Mara-
with our handy guide! Knowledge is power! thon.

1. The Sun is a star that lives at the

centre of the Solar System. Its
magical ‘cosmic glue’ holds the
planets in place.
2. The planets revolve around the
Sun. They are: Mercury, Venus,
Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Ura-
nus, Neptune and Pluto the dog.
3. Earth has one moon, but some
planets have over 30. Only Mercury
and Venus do not have any moons. 9. Like Hillbilly children.
This is because moons do not like
heat, and Mercury and Venus are
too close to the sun.
4. Which is very hot indeed.
5. Our moon is made of cheese.
When Stretch Armstrong, the first
man on the moon tasted it, he said it 12. Or Venus
reminded him of ‘Red Leicester,
with a hint of mature Cheddar’.
7. The rest are all
called Dave
8. Comets are
dirty snowballs
that whizz around
the sun in very
Haemorrhoid: Rogue
long orbits. As
they approach the sun, they melt
and develop a tail.
10. Recent comets to fly by the sun
have been Hale-Bopp, Ikeya-Zhang
and Bill Haley’s comet.
11. All extraterrestrials come from
Mars.
13. One day, a rogue haemorrhoid
will smash into the earth, ending
life as we know it.

14. If you left the Earth’s atmos-

phere, cosmic rays would turn your
bones into blancmange.

15. Though you would get better on

your return to earth.

The Moon: Cheese

6. Haemorrhoids are big bits of
rocky debris up to 1000km (620
miles) across. Most are to be
Jupiter: Gay
found in the haemorrhoid belt.
Some of the biggest have special 16. Jupiter is the official gay planet
names such as Ceres, Mathilde, and of the solar system.
Eros.

9
10
 ARE YOU A WEREWOLF?
FIND OUT BY TAKING THIS SIMPLE TEST IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME!
Question 1 1. Open the front door,
You are out on a date with an greet him cheerfully,
attractive member of the and accept your post
opposite sex, when you notice from him, perhaps
the full moon in the sky. Do remarking on the
you: weather?
2. Open the door, chase
1. Remark to your him down the path,
companion how barking and nipping
beautiful it looks? at his ankles?
2. Feel the lycanthropic 3. Open the door, rip
Werewolf: Is this YOU?
tides rushing through your mail from his
your veins , transform grasp and say, ‘If
into a brutish and they’re bills, you can 1. ‘The sound of music’
hairy monster, and fucking keep them!’, and ‘Mary Poppins’
tear your before slamming the 2. ‘Lassie come home’
companion’s throat door in his face? and ‘An American
out? Werewolf in London’
3. Ignore the moon, and Question 4 3. ‘Anal cum sluts, Vol.
sexually assault your Whilst out for a walk, you spot IV’ and ‘Sheep wide
companion? an attractive member of the open, Vol VI’
opposite sex walking their
Labrador. Do you:
Question 2 Your Answers:
You are watching television 1. Pet the Labrador as a
late at night, when you feel way of breaking the Mostly 1’s: Don’t panic! You’re
peckish. What snack would ice, then ask the not a werewolf. You are a well-
you be most likely to choose? owner out for a date? balanced individual, living life
2. Ignore the owner, get clean and sensibly.
1. A piece of fruit, or down on all fours and
perhaps a Linda sniff the Labrador’s Mostly 2’s: Congratulations!
McCartney vegetarian bottom? You are almost certainly a were-
ready meal. 3. Ignore the Labrador, wolf. Either that, or one of your
2. A large chunk of raw, and make a clumsy parents was a coyote. Speak to
bleeding meat, attempt to grope the your GP about Lycanthropy-
preferably still warm. owner? controlling medication.
3. Two pot noodles, a
ketchup sandwich and Question 5 Mostly 3’s: Oh dear. You are not
six bags of Monster After a night out, you find a werewolf. However, you are a
Munch. yourself in desperate need of sick and depraved individual who
the toilet. Do you: should almost certainly be locked
up. If you are not already regis-
1. Hold it in until you tered as a sex offender, then it is
find a public likely that you soon will be. Seek
convenience? help.
2. Rush to the nearest
lamppost and cock
your leg up it? ADVERTISEMENT
3. Take a piss in the MORRISEY’S PENGUIN
Raw meat: A tasty snack? middle of the street, SHEDS- ONLY 99p/doz.!
preferably in front of
Question 3 some bystanders?
You look out of the window,
and spot the postman walking Question 6
up the path. Do you: What are your favourite films?
Morrisey’sPenguin sheds Ltd. Little Piddle, NOR-
FOLK. 0555-678910

11
All material copyright 2005 The Dog’s Egg/Fred the Head Productions. Violators will be prostituted. Spoon jar, jar spoon. Just like that. Bollocks.